February 17, 2025 • 23 mins
In this episode of Walk & Talk, I want to share some insight of my past relationships and how somehow I felt like I kept attracting the same kind of people into my life and repeating old patterns that I didn't want. Let's learn how to change that and let go and become the best version of ourselves. No scripts, no editing, just you and me healing together day by day.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
Hello beautiful people! Good morning, good afternoon, good evening, whatever time it is, I hope you have or had an amazing day.
(00:09):
My name is Lorena and welcome to another episode of Walk and Talk.
Thank you for tuning in today and just sharing a little piece of your time with me.
Alright, I woke up this morning and I'm on my way to yoga class.
And I was like, okay, I need to film another episode because I just woke up with so much energy and a certain topic that just crossed my mind that I was like, okay, I need to just get this out for people to listen to.
(00:39):
And the topic is, why do I keep attracting the same kind of men, specifically narcissistic, into my life?
You know, like the ones that look perfect when you text them at first and then everything's amazing the first couple months and then down the line you just start feeling drained and you start questioning your worth and you just start getting emotionally exhausted.
(01:07):
So yeah, those kinds of people.
But obviously as much as I want to point fingers, I've kind of had this huge realization that like, it's not really about them.
And I feel like a lot of people when you go through relationships like this, we're like, oh, my ex was just crazy or oh, my partner was this way or I was talking to this person and they were this way.
(01:34):
And like, at what point do you start to realize, okay, let's not point the finger and realized you have as much say and choosing and decision making in that relationship in the in that process as they do.
So sometimes we just need to realize it's actually not about them, but it's about us.
(01:59):
So that's exactly what I want to talk about today.
So grab your headphones, get comfy or let's go on a walk together.
But I just want to chat about the kind of patterns and how I've worked my way through them.
Okay, so let's be real.
This isn't something I've obviously figured out overnight for the longest time.
(02:19):
I thought that these men were just kind of coming out of nowhere as if like the universe was playing some joke on me.
I'd be like, oh, I just feel so lonely and single or I'd finally be in like a time in my life where I just like didn't want anybody.
And then all of a sudden, like a movie like I just met someone at a coffee shop or I just happened to like stumble upon them at work or a friend of a friend.
(02:42):
And then all of a sudden things are great.
And I'm like, oh, they just like it's like the universe answered my prayers and they're here and you know, everything's great.
Like, oh, my gosh, finally someone different.
And you start talking with them.
You start telling them like, yeah, I went through this and that.
And they're like, oh, yeah, me too.
(03:02):
You know, it's always so relatable at first.
And they've been cheated on too.
And they've been hurt and this and that.
And you're like, oh, they would never do any of that to me because obviously I just shared to them everything that I went through.
So they would not do that.
And then you give it a few weeks or a few months.
And guess what? You're stuck in the same emotionally draining cycle again.
(03:28):
And I'm not saying everybody.
I want to just make sure I'm clear on that.
It's not everybody.
I'm just talking about my experiences because the worst part, like looking back, the signs were always there.
And I'm like, how did I not see it?
How did I not like acknowledge it?
(03:50):
The love bombing, the gaslighting, the way they would like suddenly make me feel like I had to work for their approval.
It's just like exhausting to even think about this.
My last relationship, I didn't recognize that there were so many signs because I thought my relationship was perfect.
We never fought.
(04:11):
We never really argued.
Our communication was amazing.
And then over as months proceeded, all of a sudden, there was all these issues constantly on both ends.
I started getting annoyed at little things that he was doing.
Or he just started not giving me the attention that I wanted.
Or he just didn't even care to hang out with me.
(04:32):
And I started looking back at small moments that maybe I had ignored.
And it was crazy.
Like one of the biggest ones was I remember I had a time where we were hanging out every day all the time.
24-7, texting, calling, and we even worked together.
(04:54):
It was too much.
Like it got to a point where like I had no independence.
Like he was just always with me.
And I'm not saying he was clingy.
I loved spending time with this person, but it became a lot.
And so I talked to my therapist and I was like, you know, I just I kind of need to ask him for like just like a day for myself.
Like I feel like even sometimes when I'd go and see my friends, he would be like, oh, can I come?
(05:15):
And I'm like, I just want to see my girlfriends, you know?
But anyway, so I remember I was like, I need to do this in the nicest way possible because I knew that he was a bit sensitive and I didn't want to hurt his feelings.
So I took him on a nice walk.
We watched the sunset and I was like, OK, we're in an open space.
It's just him and I.
There's no other people.
(05:36):
And I sat him down and I was like, hey, I just kind of been thinking that like I'm kind of I love hanging out with you.
I want you to know this isn't anything personal, but I need some just like time for myself.
And I'm not speaking as if like a week or anything.
Like I just I'm thinking like once a week, just a day for myself where I could just have the full 24 hours for myself.
(06:00):
I can do my self-care routine, catch up with my friends, catch up on my reality TV, scroll on TikTok, whatever, and then read, write, whatever, and then go to bed.
And he did not take that well.
He started I don't want to say freaking out, but it was not good.
(06:21):
He was like, what do you mean?
Why are you trying to like move backwards?
I thought like you liked hanging out with me.
This is really mean.
I can't believe you're bringing this up now out here in front of all these people.
There's like nobody there.
He's like you could have way to do this in private, which like fair, but like I was actually thinking it might be better for him.
It just turned into like a snowball.
(06:43):
All of a sudden it was my fault and I was rude and I shouldn't have asked him for space.
And then I was kind of just like, okay, I knew he was he wasn't going to take this well, but I didn't think it'd be this bad.
And then it just got worse and worse and worse.
And for the next like two three hours, he was just kind of arguing with me about like how that's unfair of me to ask.
And I don't know.
(07:05):
Honestly, red flag.
Like if I even have to I remember I even said to him was like I shouldn't even have to be asking you for permission to have time for myself.
Like this is ridiculous ridiculous.
And the fact that I was even asking already red flag.
And now the fact that he was making me feel bad for asking another red flag.
(07:26):
And then he was literally trying to compromise every like everything with me.
He was like, well, how about you just get like three hours for yourself and then I come over after and I was like, why do I have to put a time limit on it?
And then this went on for like two days and then even the next day after he was still texting me and was like, well, can you make sure it's like only on this day?
Because like I want to make sure that we like can hang on weekends.
(07:48):
And I was like, what if I want like a Saturday?
Like it was just like why oh my gosh, like looking back genuinely, what was he doing?
Like why he just felt like he had clearly this like ownership over me or whatever it was.
But I'm like the fact that I was allowing this for me was crazy.
Like I should never have have to ask anybody for my own time or my own self-care.
(08:12):
Like it was just I hated it.
I'm looking back. I can't believe I even accepted that behavior because me now would have just laughed and been like go deal with yourself.
I'm not here for this.
So here's where it gets real.
I feel like there were only a reflection of where I was mentally and emotionally.
(08:38):
Like these people were there in my life and coming into my life because there were things that I needed at the moment
or maybe deep rooted issues that I had at the moment that I didn't realize I had because obviously it's a lot much easier to just say like,
you know what?
They were the problem.
But like I said at the same time, why was I accepting that behavior?
(09:01):
Why was I staying like if I kept ending up in these same situations happening over and over again?
Eventually, I have to stop and ask myself like what is the common denominator here?
Spoiler alert.
Obviously, it's me.
Like I'm the one making these decisions.
I'm the one telling myself that I'm going to stick with these men and figure it out or that I can fix them.
(09:24):
No, you can't.
And this wasn't just my last relationship.
Like this was my last two three where I just kind of looking back.
I was staying for behavior that I was outgrowing every time and it's funny.
I feel like every time I've left a relationship like that afterwards, I didn't necessarily miss them.
(09:50):
I missed me more than I missed them.
Like I missed my old self and the person that I lost myself in those relationships, but I also became a whole different person outside of that.
And it was something actually so beautiful to realize like I had outgrown those people and maybe small issues that I had in the past with a different relationship.
Maybe if it wasn't addressed, maybe it did come up with a new partner.
(10:12):
But either way, I was able to accept and realize like, okay, I know my red flags, but I need to stop ignoring others.
So this is where things get messy for me.
I feel like I had to dig deep and really face the truth about why I kept choosing these kind of men.
(10:32):
And what I found was a mix of loneliness and self-worth.
I think I liked the idea of them.
I liked the attention I was getting at the moment, but I also had no self-worth for myself.
I was like, whatever, I'll take what I can get.
And it's funny, like I used to crave connections so much that I was really willing to settle for anyone who could give me just the smallest bit of attention.
(11:01):
It wasn't even about them being a perfect fit for me.
It's just about filling a void.
And here's the thing when you're in that lonely headspace, especially in the position where I was where I was very lost in school and work and friends and my family.
And just a lot of things weren't going well in my life.
(11:21):
And so I started attracted people who know how to take advantage of when people are at those weak positions because narcissistic men can sense insecurity like sharks smell blood and they will play into it.
So well, I've read so many books.
I've heard so many podcasts.
I've talked to so many different people and therapists and experiences and it's true.
(11:43):
They will take the most vulnerable younger girls.
I want to emphasize on that because I feel like it's always the older man.
No offense.
And they will take them and just use them and be like, guess what?
Here I am.
Everything's amazing at first.
Let me show you that I can take care of you and that I have all these luxuries and I can treat you better until you're finally mine.
(12:08):
And then I get bored and then you have to deal with me.
And you know, I had to face the fact that I stayed in these situations even when I knew things weren't going to change like for years.
I'm talking I accepted bad behavior for a long time because I didn't know that I deserve better because I didn't think that I deserved better.
(12:32):
If someone treated me poorly or made me feel like I wasn't enough, it was almost like well, maybe this is what I get.
Like this is just how relationships are.
And one of the relationships I was in was absolutely terrible in that sense of like whenever we argued or had a fight or something like that,
(12:52):
we always were like, well, it's normal like couples fight all the time.
And you know, this is just how relationships are and we got to get through it.
We never got through it.
That was not normal by the way.
And just no.
So let me tell you that kind of relationship is dangerous.
Like if you don't believe that you deserve love and respect, you will settle for the bare minimum or worse.
(13:19):
You will start tolerating toxic behavior because it feels normal.
And looking back, like maybe it comes from a lot deeper issues.
Like, you know, I grew up in a household where maybe I just received that kind of attention or love that I desired or some sort of male validation.
I don't know. I'm still working through it with my therapist.
Okay, work with me here.
(13:39):
But if you don't believe you deserve the love and respect, you will settle for the bare minimum.
I'm repeating that because that is exactly what I've come to realize.
If you go into a relationship and you are going into fill a void that you might not even know that you have,
(14:01):
you know, maybe you are dealing with financial issues.
Maybe you are dealing with friendship issues with your family, with your own self-identity, with your sexuality, religion, with, I don't know,
a feeling of loneliness, like with respect, with school, whatever it is.
If there is an empty part of your life and you start dating someone and that part is still empty,
(14:27):
you are going to start to rely on your partner to fill that void.
And it goes both ways. And you might not even recognize it.
You might feel like you're in an amazing place right now and you go into a relationship and things are always amazing the first couple of months.
But I am telling you, that's why people always say, oh, it's the honeymoon phase.
Wait till it's over because three months later or four or whatever, in my case, it sometimes was six.
(14:52):
You will realize that insecurities will come up naturally.
You know, we want to be on our best behavior at the beginning, but then things will come up.
Reality will start to hit on both ends of like, you know what, I do have these issues.
I do need to work on this. And it's a matter of how you're going to deal with them.
Are you going to take the time and go through it with your partner and be like, hey, I'm dealing with this.
(15:15):
You're dealing with this. Let's work through it.
Or are you just going to expect them to change and be like, hey, I can fix them when you can't.
Or hey, maybe you should go to therapy.
If you have to tell a man to go to therapy or a woman, I'm telling you right now, run.
Like, I have realized I cannot be with someone unless they've done the work or if they're open to it.
(15:41):
Like if you're going to be closed off about actually learning about yourself and, you know,
maybe therapy is not for everybody. I don't want to push it.
But at least take the time to journal or read a book on self-help or some reflection, like something.
You need to do something because everybody's changing every day and everybody has traumas that comes up over time that we don't realize.
(16:03):
We all carry in this luggage of baggage that is going to spill over, tilt over into our other relationships until we deal with it.
It's not just going to go away. Even if you think it is, it's not.
And the problem with a lot of these things is, like I said, we will give the amount of love that we think that we deserve.
(16:25):
And expect it back when maybe we deserve even more.
And I recently read this book called The Eight Rules of Love, I think it was by Jay Shetty.
It was an amazing book. And one of the main quotes that he says was the love that we give out and the love that we expect to kind of receive.
(16:45):
We need to be giving to ourselves. We need to know that all of these things in our life,
like I said, like the money, the friends, the family, religion, we have completed ourselves.
And we can be our best version in order to accept someone else's love.
Until we have fulfillment completely in our lives, then we can go and share our love with somebody else.
(17:11):
I don't know if you guys have ever heard of like the buckets of love, but like you need to make sure that all your buckets are full.
Until you have enough to give to someone else.
A relationship should be two people, completely individuals, coming together.
Not let's see if you can help me, I can help you.
(17:31):
Of course, there's different ways that that can work.
But the point is you should be able to compliment your partner, not complete your partner.
Okay, so going back to what I was talking about, here's the turning point.
Realizing that this wasn't about blaming other people,
(17:52):
and it was actually more about taking accountability for why I let them in and why I stayed.
And I know that sounds harsh, but hear me out.
This isn't about shaming yourself for past choices or talking about like, oh, why did I do that?
Maybe I should have listened to my friends or should have ignored the red flags, whatever.
(18:13):
We've all been there. We've all done it.
Maybe even with ourselves, but it's about empowering yourself to make better choices.
And once I realized that I was actually in control, everything started shifted.
Like my mindset, my physical appearance, my way of thinking, my standards.
Like there was no more playing victim, no more excuses.
(18:35):
And it wasn't easy to admit obviously, but I was the one who kept opening the door for these people.
Like I kept entertaining people who didn't value me.
Because deep down, I didn't value myself yet.
And that's a hard thing to admit out loud, honestly, but it was such a freeing moment when you realize,
okay, you just need to let them be, let them go and pour that energy that you were giving to other people into yourself.
(19:00):
So fast forward to where I am today.
My self-worth is so high.
I really don't think about men.
It's not on my radar.
Like I am in no position today to anybody right now.
I don't want to for at least a year.
And I told that to my friends and myself.
It's a promise that I'm making a little vow.
I need to really take this time to just like in my 20s learn and self-discover myself and who I am, what I want and fill those buckets that I've had for myself.
(19:30):
I am someone who loves doing introspective work.
If you don't know what that is, it's just learning about why we are the way that we are, why we think, why certain things trigger us.
Like I was just talking about this with my best friends and I was like, you know what my therapist and I were talking the other day about just why I used to crave so much male attention.
(19:51):
Like why was it something that I was seeking when I was bored or lonely and she kind of started asking me such bare minimum questions.
And somehow we got down to like the deep root issue of it being part of like something in my childhood and I was like, whoa.
And I literally was smiling.
I don't know why I was like so excited to learn like, oh my gosh, it is actually something from my childhood.
(20:16):
Like when you get to the bottom of why something triggers you because there is definitely certain things and avenues that I've poured my heart out into journaling and thinking and I've been like,
okay, what is this stemming from?
And I can't get to the bottom of it because it just seems to come up at most random times.
So when you really get to the bottom of it and you're like, this is why this is the nerve brain cell I need to kill and I need to just like change.
(20:41):
It is such a satisfying and joyful moment because you get to realize that you get to do that change in that work.
And so like I said, I've just learned to pour all this energy that I have and used it to give to others that I've given to others back into myself.
Like instead of obsessing over whether someone likes me or who I'm talking to or if they read my text, I just don't care anymore.
(21:07):
I'd rather ask myself, do I even like them?
Do I even want to reply?
Do I want to pour my energy into this?
Do they align with my values and my standards that I have now?
And I'm not here telling you go write out a list and start, you know, putting a checkmark next to everything because I've done that too.
And no, that's not how it works. Not everybody is going to fill that list.
(21:31):
Nobody's perfect.
But you need to know what your values and your standards and your main reasons for going out there and dating and also even with friendships are because you need to start living your life for you not to be chosen by someone else.
Okay.
So when you raise your self-worth, it's like the people who aren't meant to be in your life just kind of stop showing up.
(21:54):
You realize like they can sense that you are no longer available for their games and it's not about being closed off to love.
It's not about closing that door intentionally or just kind of ghosting them or whatever they excuse.
They want to make you feel bad about it's about you giving yourself that love and respect that you deserve.
(22:18):
And I don't feel lonely anymore because I've built that life that I feel like it feels whole without that relationship.
Finding peace and solitude and just enjoying your own company and knowing that you're enough.
That's exactly what you need.
And I'm not saying just go and be by yourself all the time, but realizing that you can have time to grow and learn.
(22:44):
And in my first episode of my podcast, if you haven't heard of it, it's called being uncomfortable being comfortable with the uncomfortable.
I talk more about that.
So go give that a listen.
But if you do take anything away from this episode, let it be that the people you attract reflect where you are emotionally.
And if you want better than you have to do better for yourself, okay, healing is a journey.
(23:08):
It starts with kind of taking a look at all these hard patterns and just making the decision to break them.
And I know it's not easy and things are going to take time, but trust me, it is worth it.
And my comments, my deems, my reviews are always open.
You're not alone.
So thank you for spending today with me again.
Another episode.
I hope this resonated with you.
(23:29):
And if it did awesome, if you have someone you want to share it with, that's even better.
And, you know, just take care of yourself.
Hello beautiful people! Good morning, good afternoon, good evening, whatever time it is, I hope you have or had an amazing day.
(00:09):
My name is Lorena and welcome to another episode of Walk and Talk.
Thank you for tuning in today and just sharing a little piece of your time with me.
Alright, I woke up this morning and I'm on my way to yoga class.
And I was like, okay, I need to film another episode because I just woke up with so much energy and a certain topic that just crossed my mind that I was like, okay, I need to just get this out for people to listen to.
(00:39):
And the topic is, why do I keep attracting the same kind of men, specifically narcissistic, into my life?
You know, like the ones that look perfect when you text them at first and then everything's amazing the first couple months and then down the line you just start feeling drained and you start questioning your worth and you just start getting emotionally exhausted.
(01:07):
So yeah, those kinds of people.
But obviously as much as I want to point fingers, I've kind of had this huge realization that like, it's not really about them.
And I feel like a lot of people when you go through relationships like this, we're like, oh, my ex was just crazy or oh, my partner was this way or I was talking to this person and they were this way.
(01:34):
And like, at what point do you start to realize, okay, let's not point the finger and realized you have as much say and choosing and decision making in that relationship in the in that process as they do.
So sometimes we just need to realize it's actually not about them, but it's about us.
(01:59):
So that's exactly what I want to talk about today.
So grab your headphones, get comfy or let's go on a walk together.
But I just want to chat about the kind of patterns and how I've worked my way through them.
Okay, so let's be real.
This isn't something I've obviously figured out overnight for the longest time.
(02:19):
I thought that these men were just kind of coming out of nowhere as if like the universe was playing some joke on me.
I'd be like, oh, I just feel so lonely and single or I'd finally be in like a time in my life where I just like didn't want anybody.
And then all of a sudden, like a movie like I just met someone at a coffee shop or I just happened to like stumble upon them at work or a friend of a friend.
(02:42):
And then all of a sudden things are great.
And I'm like, oh, they just like it's like the universe answered my prayers and they're here and you know, everything's great.
Like, oh, my gosh, finally someone different.
And you start talking with them.
You start telling them like, yeah, I went through this and that.
And they're like, oh, yeah, me too.
(03:02):
You know, it's always so relatable at first.
And they've been cheated on too.
And they've been hurt and this and that.
And you're like, oh, they would never do any of that to me because obviously I just shared to them everything that I went through.
So they would not do that.
And then you give it a few weeks or a few months.
And guess what? You're stuck in the same emotionally draining cycle again.
(03:28):
And I'm not saying everybody.
I want to just make sure I'm clear on that.
It's not everybody.
I'm just talking about my experiences because the worst part, like looking back, the signs were always there.
And I'm like, how did I not see it?
How did I not like acknowledge it?
(03:50):
The love bombing, the gaslighting, the way they would like suddenly make me feel like I had to work for their approval.
It's just like exhausting to even think about this.
My last relationship, I didn't recognize that there were so many signs because I thought my relationship was perfect.
We never fought.
(04:11):
We never really argued.
Our communication was amazing.
And then over as months proceeded, all of a sudden, there was all these issues constantly on both ends.
I started getting annoyed at little things that he was doing.
Or he just started not giving me the attention that I wanted.
Or he just didn't even care to hang out with me.
(04:32):
And I started looking back at small moments that maybe I had ignored.
And it was crazy.
Like one of the biggest ones was I remember I had a time where we were hanging out every day all the time.
24-7, texting, calling, and we even worked together.
(04:54):
It was too much.
Like it got to a point where like I had no independence.
Like he was just always with me.
And I'm not saying he was clingy.
I loved spending time with this person, but it became a lot.
And so I talked to my therapist and I was like, you know, I just I kind of need to ask him for like just like a day for myself.
Like I feel like even sometimes when I'd go and see my friends, he would be like, oh, can I come?
(05:15):
And I'm like, I just want to see my girlfriends, you know?
But anyway, so I remember I was like, I need to do this in the nicest way possible because I knew that he was a bit sensitive and I didn't want to hurt his feelings.
So I took him on a nice walk.
We watched the sunset and I was like, OK, we're in an open space.
It's just him and I.
There's no other people.
(05:36):
And I sat him down and I was like, hey, I just kind of been thinking that like I'm kind of I love hanging out with you.
I want you to know this isn't anything personal, but I need some just like time for myself.
And I'm not speaking as if like a week or anything.
Like I just I'm thinking like once a week, just a day for myself where I could just have the full 24 hours for myself.
(06:00):
I can do my self-care routine, catch up with my friends, catch up on my reality TV, scroll on TikTok, whatever, and then read, write, whatever, and then go to bed.
And he did not take that well.
He started I don't want to say freaking out, but it was not good.
(06:21):
He was like, what do you mean?
Why are you trying to like move backwards?
I thought like you liked hanging out with me.
This is really mean.
I can't believe you're bringing this up now out here in front of all these people.
There's like nobody there.
He's like you could have way to do this in private, which like fair, but like I was actually thinking it might be better for him.
It just turned into like a snowball.
(06:43):
All of a sudden it was my fault and I was rude and I shouldn't have asked him for space.
And then I was kind of just like, okay, I knew he was he wasn't going to take this well, but I didn't think it'd be this bad.
And then it just got worse and worse and worse.
And for the next like two three hours, he was just kind of arguing with me about like how that's unfair of me to ask.
And I don't know.
(07:05):
Honestly, red flag.
Like if I even have to I remember I even said to him was like I shouldn't even have to be asking you for permission to have time for myself.
Like this is ridiculous ridiculous.
And the fact that I was even asking already red flag.
And now the fact that he was making me feel bad for asking another red flag.
(07:26):
And then he was literally trying to compromise every like everything with me.
He was like, well, how about you just get like three hours for yourself and then I come over after and I was like, why do I have to put a time limit on it?
And then this went on for like two days and then even the next day after he was still texting me and was like, well, can you make sure it's like only on this day?
Because like I want to make sure that we like can hang on weekends.
(07:48):
And I was like, what if I want like a Saturday?
Like it was just like why oh my gosh, like looking back genuinely, what was he doing?
Like why he just felt like he had clearly this like ownership over me or whatever it was.
But I'm like the fact that I was allowing this for me was crazy.
Like I should never have have to ask anybody for my own time or my own self-care.
(08:12):
Like it was just I hated it.
I'm looking back. I can't believe I even accepted that behavior because me now would have just laughed and been like go deal with yourself.
I'm not here for this.
So here's where it gets real.
I feel like there were only a reflection of where I was mentally and emotionally.
(08:38):
Like these people were there in my life and coming into my life because there were things that I needed at the moment
or maybe deep rooted issues that I had at the moment that I didn't realize I had because obviously it's a lot much easier to just say like,
you know what?
They were the problem.
But like I said at the same time, why was I accepting that behavior?
(09:01):
Why was I staying like if I kept ending up in these same situations happening over and over again?
Eventually, I have to stop and ask myself like what is the common denominator here?
Spoiler alert.
Obviously, it's me.
Like I'm the one making these decisions.
I'm the one telling myself that I'm going to stick with these men and figure it out or that I can fix them.
(09:24):
No, you can't.
And this wasn't just my last relationship.
Like this was my last two three where I just kind of looking back.
I was staying for behavior that I was outgrowing every time and it's funny.
I feel like every time I've left a relationship like that afterwards, I didn't necessarily miss them.
(09:50):
I missed me more than I missed them.
Like I missed my old self and the person that I lost myself in those relationships, but I also became a whole different person outside of that.
And it was something actually so beautiful to realize like I had outgrown those people and maybe small issues that I had in the past with a different relationship.
Maybe if it wasn't addressed, maybe it did come up with a new partner.
(10:12):
But either way, I was able to accept and realize like, okay, I know my red flags, but I need to stop ignoring others.
So this is where things get messy for me.
I feel like I had to dig deep and really face the truth about why I kept choosing these kind of men.
(10:32):
And what I found was a mix of loneliness and self-worth.
I think I liked the idea of them.
I liked the attention I was getting at the moment, but I also had no self-worth for myself.
I was like, whatever, I'll take what I can get.
And it's funny, like I used to crave connections so much that I was really willing to settle for anyone who could give me just the smallest bit of attention.
(11:01):
It wasn't even about them being a perfect fit for me.
It's just about filling a void.
And here's the thing when you're in that lonely headspace, especially in the position where I was where I was very lost in school and work and friends and my family.
And just a lot of things weren't going well in my life.
(11:21):
And so I started attracted people who know how to take advantage of when people are at those weak positions because narcissistic men can sense insecurity like sharks smell blood and they will play into it.
So well, I've read so many books.
I've heard so many podcasts.
I've talked to so many different people and therapists and experiences and it's true.
(11:43):
They will take the most vulnerable younger girls.
I want to emphasize on that because I feel like it's always the older man.
No offense.
And they will take them and just use them and be like, guess what?
Here I am.
Everything's amazing at first.
Let me show you that I can take care of you and that I have all these luxuries and I can treat you better until you're finally mine.
(12:08):
And then I get bored and then you have to deal with me.
And you know, I had to face the fact that I stayed in these situations even when I knew things weren't going to change like for years.
I'm talking I accepted bad behavior for a long time because I didn't know that I deserve better because I didn't think that I deserved better.
(12:32):
If someone treated me poorly or made me feel like I wasn't enough, it was almost like well, maybe this is what I get.
Like this is just how relationships are.
And one of the relationships I was in was absolutely terrible in that sense of like whenever we argued or had a fight or something like that,
(12:52):
we always were like, well, it's normal like couples fight all the time.
And you know, this is just how relationships are and we got to get through it.
We never got through it.
That was not normal by the way.
And just no.
So let me tell you that kind of relationship is dangerous.
Like if you don't believe that you deserve love and respect, you will settle for the bare minimum or worse.
(13:19):
You will start tolerating toxic behavior because it feels normal.
And looking back, like maybe it comes from a lot deeper issues.
Like, you know, I grew up in a household where maybe I just received that kind of attention or love that I desired or some sort of male validation.
I don't know. I'm still working through it with my therapist.
Okay, work with me here.
(13:39):
But if you don't believe you deserve the love and respect, you will settle for the bare minimum.
I'm repeating that because that is exactly what I've come to realize.
If you go into a relationship and you are going into fill a void that you might not even know that you have,
(14:01):
you know, maybe you are dealing with financial issues.
Maybe you are dealing with friendship issues with your family, with your own self-identity, with your sexuality, religion, with, I don't know,
a feeling of loneliness, like with respect, with school, whatever it is.
If there is an empty part of your life and you start dating someone and that part is still empty,
(14:27):
you are going to start to rely on your partner to fill that void.
And it goes both ways. And you might not even recognize it.
You might feel like you're in an amazing place right now and you go into a relationship and things are always amazing the first couple of months.
But I am telling you, that's why people always say, oh, it's the honeymoon phase.
Wait till it's over because three months later or four or whatever, in my case, it sometimes was six.
(14:52):
You will realize that insecurities will come up naturally.
You know, we want to be on our best behavior at the beginning, but then things will come up.
Reality will start to hit on both ends of like, you know what, I do have these issues.
I do need to work on this. And it's a matter of how you're going to deal with them.
Are you going to take the time and go through it with your partner and be like, hey, I'm dealing with this.
(15:15):
You're dealing with this. Let's work through it.
Or are you just going to expect them to change and be like, hey, I can fix them when you can't.
Or hey, maybe you should go to therapy.
If you have to tell a man to go to therapy or a woman, I'm telling you right now, run.
Like, I have realized I cannot be with someone unless they've done the work or if they're open to it.
(15:41):
Like if you're going to be closed off about actually learning about yourself and, you know,
maybe therapy is not for everybody. I don't want to push it.
But at least take the time to journal or read a book on self-help or some reflection, like something.
You need to do something because everybody's changing every day and everybody has traumas that comes up over time that we don't realize.
(16:03):
We all carry in this luggage of baggage that is going to spill over, tilt over into our other relationships until we deal with it.
It's not just going to go away. Even if you think it is, it's not.
And the problem with a lot of these things is, like I said, we will give the amount of love that we think that we deserve.
(16:25):
And expect it back when maybe we deserve even more.
And I recently read this book called The Eight Rules of Love, I think it was by Jay Shetty.
It was an amazing book. And one of the main quotes that he says was the love that we give out and the love that we expect to kind of receive.
(16:45):
We need to be giving to ourselves. We need to know that all of these things in our life,
like I said, like the money, the friends, the family, religion, we have completed ourselves.
And we can be our best version in order to accept someone else's love.
Until we have fulfillment completely in our lives, then we can go and share our love with somebody else.
(17:11):
I don't know if you guys have ever heard of like the buckets of love, but like you need to make sure that all your buckets are full.
Until you have enough to give to someone else.
A relationship should be two people, completely individuals, coming together.
Not let's see if you can help me, I can help you.
(17:31):
Of course, there's different ways that that can work.
But the point is you should be able to compliment your partner, not complete your partner.
Okay, so going back to what I was talking about, here's the turning point.
Realizing that this wasn't about blaming other people,
(17:52):
and it was actually more about taking accountability for why I let them in and why I stayed.
And I know that sounds harsh, but hear me out.
This isn't about shaming yourself for past choices or talking about like, oh, why did I do that?
Maybe I should have listened to my friends or should have ignored the red flags, whatever.
(18:13):
We've all been there. We've all done it.
Maybe even with ourselves, but it's about empowering yourself to make better choices.
And once I realized that I was actually in control, everything started shifted.
Like my mindset, my physical appearance, my way of thinking, my standards.
Like there was no more playing victim, no more excuses.
(18:35):
And it wasn't easy to admit obviously, but I was the one who kept opening the door for these people.
Like I kept entertaining people who didn't value me.
Because deep down, I didn't value myself yet.
And that's a hard thing to admit out loud, honestly, but it was such a freeing moment when you realize,
okay, you just need to let them be, let them go and pour that energy that you were giving to other people into yourself.
(19:00):
So fast forward to where I am today.
My self-worth is so high.
I really don't think about men.
It's not on my radar.
Like I am in no position today to anybody right now.
I don't want to for at least a year.
And I told that to my friends and myself.
It's a promise that I'm making a little vow.
I need to really take this time to just like in my 20s learn and self-discover myself and who I am, what I want and fill those buckets that I've had for myself.
(19:30):
I am someone who loves doing introspective work.
If you don't know what that is, it's just learning about why we are the way that we are, why we think, why certain things trigger us.
Like I was just talking about this with my best friends and I was like, you know what my therapist and I were talking the other day about just why I used to crave so much male attention.
(19:51):
Like why was it something that I was seeking when I was bored or lonely and she kind of started asking me such bare minimum questions.
And somehow we got down to like the deep root issue of it being part of like something in my childhood and I was like, whoa.
And I literally was smiling.
I don't know why I was like so excited to learn like, oh my gosh, it is actually something from my childhood.
(20:16):
Like when you get to the bottom of why something triggers you because there is definitely certain things and avenues that I've poured my heart out into journaling and thinking and I've been like,
okay, what is this stemming from?
And I can't get to the bottom of it because it just seems to come up at most random times.
So when you really get to the bottom of it and you're like, this is why this is the nerve brain cell I need to kill and I need to just like change.
(20:41):
It is such a satisfying and joyful moment because you get to realize that you get to do that change in that work.
And so like I said, I've just learned to pour all this energy that I have and used it to give to others that I've given to others back into myself.
Like instead of obsessing over whether someone likes me or who I'm talking to or if they read my text, I just don't care anymore.
(21:07):
I'd rather ask myself, do I even like them?
Do I even want to reply?
Do I want to pour my energy into this?
Do they align with my values and my standards that I have now?
And I'm not here telling you go write out a list and start, you know, putting a checkmark next to everything because I've done that too.
And no, that's not how it works. Not everybody is going to fill that list.
(21:31):
Nobody's perfect.
But you need to know what your values and your standards and your main reasons for going out there and dating and also even with friendships are because you need to start living your life for you not to be chosen by someone else.
Okay.
So when you raise your self-worth, it's like the people who aren't meant to be in your life just kind of stop showing up.
(21:54):
You realize like they can sense that you are no longer available for their games and it's not about being closed off to love.
It's not about closing that door intentionally or just kind of ghosting them or whatever they excuse.
They want to make you feel bad about it's about you giving yourself that love and respect that you deserve.
(22:18):
And I don't feel lonely anymore because I've built that life that I feel like it feels whole without that relationship.
Finding peace and solitude and just enjoying your own company and knowing that you're enough.
That's exactly what you need.
And I'm not saying just go and be by yourself all the time, but realizing that you can have time to grow and learn.
(22:44):
And in my first episode of my podcast, if you haven't heard of it, it's called being uncomfortable being comfortable with the uncomfortable.
I talk more about that.
So go give that a listen.
But if you do take anything away from this episode, let it be that the people you attract reflect where you are emotionally.
And if you want better than you have to do better for yourself, okay, healing is a journey.
(23:08):
It starts with kind of taking a look at all these hard patterns and just making the decision to break them.
And I know it's not easy and things are going to take time, but trust me, it is worth it.
And my comments, my deems, my reviews are always open.
You're not alone.
So thank you for spending today with me again.
Another episode.
I hope this resonated with you.
(23:29):
And if it did awesome, if you have someone you want to share it with, that's even better.
And, you know, just take care of yourself.
Popular Podcasts
United States of Kennedy
United States of Kennedy is a podcast about our cultural fascination with the Kennedy dynasty. Every week, hosts Lyra Smith and George Civeris go into one aspect of the Kennedy story.
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com