February 27, 2024 • 31 mins
It's not strange to worry sometimes, but can it be taken to an extreme? I think so. On this episode I talk about:
- why we worry.
- how other's offer us worry and add to our existing worry.
- why worrying isn't loving.
- how worry can become habitual.
- and how to decrease how much you worry.
https://jamelynstephan.com
https://jamelynstephan.com/meet-with-me/
https://www.instagram.com/jamelyn_stephan_coaching/
jamelyn@jamelynstpehan.com
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
I'm Jamilin Stephan and this iswant to want it episode number
(00:03):
107 worry.
Welcome to want to want it apodcast for women of the church
of Jesus Christ of latter daysaints who are ready to ignite
not only their sexual desire,but all of their desires to
create a more fulfilling lifeand marriage.
I'm jamielynn Stephan.
I'm a certified life coach, awife, and a mother of seven
(00:25):
children.
I'm excited to share my personaljourney to desire with you and
teach you how to desire more aswell Hey everybody.
I am so happy to be here today.
I took a few weeks off recordingand kind of out of my business
because I have a brand newgrandson that I got to spend so
much time with.
And he is of course.
(00:46):
Amazing and loved by everybodyand so much fun to hold and be
with.
But.
It's time to get back to realityand engage in my business again.
So here I am today to talk toyou about worry.
Worry is kind of interesting tothink about, because remember I
taught you the model, right?
You have a circumstance, andthen you have a thought about
(01:07):
that circumstance and thatthought creates a feeling in
your body and that feelingdrives you to act.
And then that action orinaction, whatever happens gives
you the results that you have inyour life.
Worry is super interestingbecause it happens in your mind.
So worry can be a thought,right?
Your thoughts can be worry, typethoughts, because worry is
(01:27):
really when we allow our mind todwell on.
Uh, difficulties or troubles orproblems, and maybe even not
even real problems, but some ofthem are actual problems.
Some of them are just potentialproblems that we have and we
kind of get so that our mind isdwelling and we're worrying.
So.
You could put worry in thethought line of the model.
So let's say that thecircumstance is that you're
(01:50):
going to take your driver'slicense exam today.
And so your thought is I'm soworried I'm going to fail,
right?
So you have worry as a thought.
But worry can also be a feelingyou can feel worried.
And most of us experienced someworry in our life because it's
almost a part of anxiety.
So back to the example of thedriver's test, you've got your
driver's test and your thoughtis if I mess up my parallel
(02:11):
parking today, I'm going tofail.
And then, because you'rethinking that thought you feel
worried, you feel worried aboutparallel parking.
So we're, it can be a thought ora feeling, but it can also be an
action.
I want you to think aboutanother definition of worry.
So another definition of worryis like when you're touching or
disturbing or pulling onsomething repeatedly, like a dog
(02:33):
can worry on a bone, right.
He worries a bone bite, justmeaning that he's biting it and
working on it constantly.
And for a long time, It's thesame idea with worry in your
action line, you can justconstantly worry and dwell on
the problem.
So let's say you're gettingready for your driver's test.
And in your mind, you just keepdwelling on the fact that you
could fail and you keep thinkingof all the things you might do
(02:54):
wrong to fail, and you justrepeatedly go to the story of
how you might fail.
And so your action is to worry.
So as we talk about worry today,You're going to hear me
describing worry as a way ofthinking.
Feeling actions, like all ofthose different things come into
worry.
Which honestly makes sensebecause worry is like fear and
doubt.
(03:14):
And so it is an opposition tofaith.
Which I'm going to talk a littlemore about later, but faith also
can be a thought or a feeling oran action.
So it is interesting, right?
It's an opposition to faith andit can be.
What you think or what you feelor how you act.
Worry.
Like anxiety is always futurefocused.
(03:36):
We are not feeling worried aboutwhat's happening right now in
the present moment.
Like in this instant, I'm notworried about this instant.
Does that make sense?
I may be worried about the nextinstant, but worry.
Isn't something we experience.
About what is happening rightnow, this very instant.
So it's just a good thing toremind your brain that worries
(03:58):
always living in the future.
Usually an unknown future, butby dwelling on all that could
possibly go wrong.
We cause herself pain in thepresent, right?
This unnecessary discomfort andpain in the present because we
are caught up in worry.
Now where it is so interestingas well, because worry is
something that we actually arewilling to give people more of.
(04:20):
So if you had a friend and shewas feeling like she was such a
failure as a mother, and she wasso disappointed in herself.
You would never add to herfeelings of disappointment by
telling her oh, and by the way,you're also failing as a wife,
right?
We just like, we don't do that.
Or if you have a friend who'soverwhelmed in his life, you're
not going to take the time to belike, Hey, listen, I get that.
(04:43):
You're totally overwhelmed overhere, but you have totally
dropped the ball in this area ofyour life as well.
Just so you know, We do not dothat.
In fact, if anything, we tryhard to talk our friends out of
negative emotions.
We desperately want people tofeel better.
But sometimes when our friendstell us about their worries, we
can be really quick to add moreworry onto their worries.
(05:05):
So for example, maybe yourfriend is worried about the
COVID vaccine.
Now, this is kind of acontroversial subject.
So maybe I shouldn't be bringingthis up on my podcast, but let's
just say that your friend isdebating about giving her kids a
COVID vaccine and is superworried about whether it's the
right thing to do.
And it's really frighteningabout it.
And then she comes to talk toyou and instead of doing what
(05:25):
you would do, if she was sad ordepressed or overwhelmed, you
decide to offer her more worry.
But you start telling herstories of kids in the hospital
that weren't vaccinated areabout someone that you heard had
vaccinated their child.
And that child ended up in thehospital because of the
vaccination.
Right.
Now it's not because a goodfriend should withhold good
information.
That's not what I'm trying tosay.
(05:46):
But it's the emotion behind whatyou share that matters.
So check yourself.
Are you stressed and worriedabout this too?
And so are you sharing thisinformation from that place?
Or can you share informationthat you have from a place of
reason and calm?
Now, maybe this is a toughexample for some, but I just
(06:07):
want to encourage you to lookwithin yourself and ask, do I
feel my friends worries or do Ihelp them out of it?
Like, for example, a friend whodoesn't want to fuel worry.
Maybe it would say, I can seehow worried you are about this,
because it can be really hardright now to find clear answers
about what to do.
And I mean, I've had my ownstruggles.
But I do know this.
(06:28):
You are your child's mother fora reason, and you're going to
know the right thing to do.
You're going to be able to cometo a decision and make peace
with it.
Something kind of like that,right.
Something that acknowledges howthey are feeling while offering
them the opportunity to turn tofaith or reason or calm.
Because there's no clarity andworry.
So if nothing else, a goodfriend wants to help their
(06:48):
friend get to more clarity.
Not to more worry.
Now not only do people encourageus in our worry at times.
People offer us worry all thetime.
They offer us things to worryabout and they tell us really,
we really should be worriedright there.
Like if you're not worried, youreally should be worried.
It's time for you to worry.
(07:09):
You know, you should worry aboutyour kids.
You should worry about theirfuture or their grades or their
relationships or their habitslike that.
Someone that gets me screentime.
I worry about screen time and Iget myself caught up in worrying
other people, telling me all theresearch and things about screen
time.
It just adds to my worry.
People tell us we should beworried about money, about what
our house looks like about ourspouse, cheating on us.
(07:33):
They tell us we should beworried about being embarrassed
or taken advantage of, or beingtreated fairly.
People encourage us to worryabout, you know, are you good
enough?
Are you pretty enough?
Are you acceptable enough?
They tell us, we should worryabout having hard conversations.
Like, oh, this is going to be areally hard conversation.
You should be totally stressedor being honest or vulnerable,
(07:54):
right.
Like, oh, they got to worryabout that.
Now we don't necessarily needpeople to offer us worry.
We do a great job on our own.
But part of the reason we are sogood at it is because we are fed
it constantly.
Advertisers thrive on worry.
It can even feel like reallywell-meaning church leaders or
church members want us to worry.
(08:15):
Right there.
Like, oh, this thing you shouldreally be worried when Christ
specifically tells us doubt, notfear, not.
So in other words, Don't worry.
So, again, not only does ourbrain offer us where all day,
every day, everyone else doestoo.
So in our area, like probablyyour area, people have a lot of
(08:35):
opinions about the.
Uh, schools.
Here like this.
This one's too full, that one'stoo old and run down that one's
got all the bad kids in it,right.
Or they have a ton of opinionsabout the teachers, you know,
he's way too strict.
She doesn't prepare the kidswell enough for the exams they
have to take.
Or I've just heard that guy,such a terrible teacher.
And it's just amazing how oftenpeople want to offer, worry to
(08:58):
their friends who are parents ofthe kids potentially going to
these schools.
And so.
Parents start to frantically tryand get their kids out of a
certain school or out of acertain class and all because
they were just offered.
Worry.
Now again, I appreciate it.
When someone gives me the headsup about something that really
matters, but too often, oneperson's worry is something that
(09:18):
they're just handing to you andnot really carefully thought out
information.
And you can tell by the way theyshare that information.
Just like I said before theyshare it and it's laced with
worry, right?
It's from this place where youfeel their worry, it's not
really from this place ofclarity or calm or reason.
Now, When I startedhomeschooling years ago.
(09:39):
I certainly had my own worriesabout it, but every one.
Except for other homeschoolersconstantly offered me worry They
would offer it in the form ofkind of questions, but they were
worry questions, right?
Like no one really wanted tocome straight out and say, your
kids are gonna be idiots becauseyou're doing this.
But they would say things like.
(10:00):
Like, what if your kids don'treally know how to socialize
well with other kids or adultsas they get older or.
Like how all your kids ever getopportunity to play sports.
Like they'll never get to playon the high school basketball
team or how can you be sure thatyou're going to actually be able
to teach them everything theyneed to know to succeed in life?
Or what do they need to learn?
Something that you don't knowabout and you can't teach them.
(10:20):
Now in truth, I actually hadfantastic answers for all of
these questions.
Answers that I felt reallyconfident in.
Because I knew there weresolutions to all of these
problems and I knew that some ofthem weren't even problems.
But I had my own worries becauseI just saw myself failing every
day, trying to balance the care,a little babies and toddlers
(10:42):
with teaching my older kids.
Plus we're taught to worry andwe're taught to adopt the worry
other people offer us.
So it felt like I was supposedto worry.
So I did.
And even though I was offered alot of comfort and peace,
especially through the holyghost, I could never really
grasp onto it.
Well, because I was so caught upin the worry, it felt like I
needed to worry, or I wouldn'tmake myself do a good job.
(11:05):
And it felt like I needed toworry.
So other people wouldn't have toworry for me.
And I felt like I needed toworry so that if my kids turned
out badly from it all, then Iwould just be able to say, yeah,
I totally saw this coming.
And by the way, I actuallycouldn't be happier with how my
kids have turned out the oneswho were mainly homeschooled and
the ones that were mainly in thepublic school system.
(11:25):
They're just awesome humans.
And looking back, I just want totake that homeschool mom and
tell her.
Don't worry one more minuteabout it.
I know it feels useful.
I know everyone else wants youto worry.
But it is completelyunnecessary.
And not useful at all.
It isn't helping you show up asa caring mother or a confident
homeschooler, and that'sactually harder on your kids
(11:46):
than anything else.
I just wish so badly.
I could go back and just tellher your okay, everything's
going to be fine.
And that is the thing that is sointeresting about worry is it's
so deceptive.
We tell ourselves that it isuseful and helpful when in
reality it just keeps us stuckor it keeps us acting ways that
(12:06):
aren't awesome.
They just, aren't really thebest ways to act.
I felt like it was useful toworry about my kids at home
learning with me, because then Ithought, okay, then I'm going to
be vigilant.
And I'm going to hold myself toa really high standard.
And then my fear of failing isgoing to help me keep on top of
them.
Right.
Cause I don't want them to fail.
But that's not really how itturned out.
(12:28):
I was just driven by worry andanxiety.
And I am sure that that showedup in the way I interacted with
my kids and probably in anegative way, most of the time,
in fact, For sure it did becauseworry is a negative emotion and
you just can't show up greatfrom that place.
And it certainly didn't help meor my mental health or my
confidence.
I just beat myself up every dayfor years.
(12:50):
But it felt like worry was theresponsible way to feel that I
needed to feel worried.
I had no idea that it wasactually making things worse.
Instead of getting curious andgetting creative.
I just worried.
But what would have beendifferent for me if I had just
taken time to ask myself, okay,listen, I'm worried about X, Y,
and Z.
Okay.
So if that happens, what am Igoing to do about it?
(13:12):
Or even to say, I can't controlmy kids or their experience with
me, but I can control who I wantto be.
So who do I want to be as ahomeschool mom?
What do I want to do to makethis fun and enjoyable and
fruitful?
Now.
It's not that I never askedmyself some of these questions a
little bit, but more often thannot, I was just stuck in worry.
And honestly, I am so thankfulfor coaching because I worry so
(13:35):
much less than I used to.
Now that I see how useless itis.
It catches me still at times forsure.
But I indulge in it way lessthan I used to when I was
constantly offered it by otherpeople.
And when I felt like aresponsible loving mother needs
to worry.
Which brings me to the nextthing I want to point out about
worry.
And that is worry is not love.
(13:58):
I had this epiphany when I wascoaching one day and then I
heard it in a talk in generalconference.
The one that was by Tamara wRooney.
Maybe it's Tamara.
I don't know, actually.
Anyways, sorry.
If you haven't read that talk orlisten to what you need to go
find it.
October 20, 23 generalconference of the church of
Jesus Christ of latter daysaints.
It's a Saturday evening sessionand it's called seeing God's
(14:20):
family through the overviewlens.
And it is so good.
And in that talk, she alsomentions how worry tricks us,
because it feels like love, butit isn't.
Love feels good.
You guys.
It feels so good.
Guess what does not feel good?
Worry.
That is how you know it is notlove.
(14:42):
And only true feelings of lovecan move us to truly loving
actions.
Worry.
Well, not.
I've talked to many mothers whoworry a lot about their kids,
the ones at home and the onesnot at home.
And some of them feel like itwould almost be a betrayal to
their children to not worryabout them.
They feel like it would be themost unloving thing to do to
(15:02):
stop worrying about them.
But I would argue that we arebetter parents when we require
ourselves to focus on loving ourchildren and not worrying about
them.
Honestly don't think that ourheavenly father and our heavenly
mother and our savior JesusChrist, the most loving beings
in the universe, the only beingswho really understand
unconditional love, I don'tthink they are worried about us.
(15:26):
I think they care about us, butI don't think they're sitting in
heaven stewing about us.
They think about us.
They care deeply about us.
They love us, but I honestlydon't think they are worried.
So if we want to take them, forexample, I don't think it serves
our kids to worry.
Now again, we can expressconcern with reason and love.
We can offer guidance from aplace of love and
(15:47):
thoughtfulness.
But trust me when I say our kidscan tell when we are worried.
And that just makes themworried.
And now if I go back to thistalk by tomorrow, w Rooney says.
She says in her talk.
I went through a rough patch mysenior year in high school, when
I wasn't making great choices.
I remember seeing my mom cryingand I wondered if I disappointed
(16:09):
her.
At the time I worried that hertears meant she'd lost hope for
me.
And if she didn't feel hope forme, maybe there wasn't a way
back.
But my dad was more practiced atzooming out and taking the long
view he learned from experiencethat worry feels a lot like
love, but is not the same.
He used the IFA to see thateverything would work out and
(16:30):
his hopeful approach changed me.
I really wanted to use thatstory because I think it
illustrates perfectly what I'mtrying to teach you here.
And to practice in my own life.
Worry, isn't loving.
Not only because then we act inways that aren't helpful, but
because our kids pick up on itand it affects their faith.
They start to worry.
They lose hope in themselves.
(16:51):
Uh, they start to believe thatthey're not going to figure it
out or work it out or come outon top.
So, if you want to really helpyour kids stop worrying about
them and start believing inthem, start teaching yourself to
have confidence in them.
I've talked before about how youhave a whole volleyball team of
players who are working to helpyour child overcome whatever
they need to overcome andsucceed.
(17:13):
You've got heavenly parents andJesus Christ.
You've got the holy ghost.
You have leaders and teachersand coaches and friends and
family, and all of these peopleare working for the good of your
child.
Knowing that helps me be moreconfident that everything's
going to work out just fine, andI can drop the worry.
It helps me move to trulyfeeling and showing love instead
(17:35):
of counterfeiting it with worry.
When I took my life coachtraining From Brooke Castillo,
she taught about a few negativeemotions that she described as
indulgent emotions.
So, what does it mean to indulgein something, right?
It means that you're going toyield to the desire of
something.
And you're going to beunrestrained.
So when you indulge in anemotion, it means you're going
(17:56):
to give into it withoutrestraint at all.
So often I'll tell people thatanger is indulgent.
Not because you're never goingto feel anger, but if you
constantly indulge in it, if youmake it your go-to and act on it
all the time you are beingindulgent.
It is indulgent to constantlynurturing her and then to yell
at people or throw things andhave a tantrum that's indulgent
(18:18):
behavior.
Now anger can feel reallypowerful and make you feel like
you have control when in realityyou're out of control.
Indulgent emotions deceive usthat we are doing something
helpful or useful when inreality, it is the opposite.
It's the same with worry.
It becomes habit.
It becomes this go-to emotionfor us.
(18:39):
With certain people that weassociate with or in certain
situations and we just feed it.
And so we worry and worry andworry because we think it's
useful and helpful.
But in reality, It usually justkeeps us stuck.
Nothing changes when we worry.
We keep acting the same.
We keep thinking the same and wenever have access to our best,
most mature grownup selves whenwe indulge in worry.
(19:01):
My husband is a physician and hespends a few days a week helping
people who suffer with chronicpain.
This is a super tough field ofmedicine because chronic pain is
no joke.
And there's often no cure forit, right.
There's just kind of bettercoping strategies, maybe ways to
help you feel less pain.
But a lot of the time.
These people pain is going to bewith them for their life.
(19:23):
So when my husband gets a newpatient, they often are asked to
answer questions.
To kind of put them on what'scalled the pain catastrophizing
scale.
So this scale tells the doctorsand other therapists we're going
to work with this patient.
How much they one ruminate abouttheir pain, right?
Like how much are they thinkingabout this?
Two.
(19:44):
If they magnify their pain, arethey saying like, I'm afraid.
This is just going to get wayworse and I'm going to have the
worst life because it's going tobe worse and worse and worse.
And the third thing they lookfor is if they feel helpless to
manage their pain, right.
Are they kind of saying there'sjust nothing to do about my
pain?
Nothing helps.
There's no help for me.
Now patients who score high onthe scale, the ones who really
(20:06):
magnify their pain, ruminateabout their pain all the time
and feel totally and utterlyhelpless about their pain.
Don't get better.
My husband told me that the paincatastrophizing scale is
actually really good atpredicting whether their pain
will resolve or not.
And if they score high on it, itmost likely won't resolve or get
any better.
(20:27):
And it has nothing to do withwhether they have access to
interventions or medicines ordifferent therapies at all, what
they think about their pain inthe end, determines whether they
have improvement or a cure fortheir pain.
It is what they think.
Now catastrophizing is justworry on steroids.
It's always looking into thefuture and believing the worst
(20:49):
case scenarios are coming orthat your situation is worse
than it actually is.
And when you catastrophize youcreate the very things you don't
want.
When pain patients are highcatastrophizers.
They create more pain.
And I think we can use this inour own lights.
Are you a catastrophizer or evenjust a chronic worrier?
Are you kind of addicted to it?
(21:10):
Do you indulge in it?
If there was a lifecatastrophizing scale, how high
would you score on it?
Really be honest with yourselfwith this, watch yourself for a
few days and see, because if youscore high because you
chronically worry.
I have to think just like thepain patients, it would be
predictive that your life is notgoing to really get any better.
(21:33):
So, what are some things we cando if we feel like we worry too
much?
If we feel like maybe we're abit addicted to worry or we
indulge in worry, I called oneof my daughters to ask her if
she felt like she had learned toworry by just watching me worry
as she was growing up.
And she's like, yeah, totally.
So I hung up on her.
Just kidding.
I totally did not hang up on herthat anyways.
(21:54):
It was actually really good tolisten to her.
Kind of tell me the ways thatshe had felt my worry at times.
And it made me take a closerlook at myself right now.
Because, like I said before, Iworry way less than I used to,
but I actually think I worrymore than I realize still.
And this is my work to do aswell.
So I have just a few suggestionsof things to do to help you
(22:16):
worry less.
There are no particular order.
It's not an exhaustive list, butI hope something on it will help
you.
First of all, it really helps meto remember that worry is the
opposite of faith.
When I feel faith, I feel trust.
I feel hope.
I feel confidence.
So one thing you can do whenworry is plaguing you is to ask
yourself, what would faith sayabout this?
(22:38):
Or if I had faith, what would Ibelieve in stead?
So let's say you're worriedabout the failing marks that
your child has in school rightnow.
And you worry, they won't beable to be successful as an
adult.
Because of how they're failingin school right now and not
doing well.
So then you would ask yourself,If I had faith, what would I
believe instead?
(23:00):
And maybe you would answer andsay, well, you know what?
I actually struggled in schooland I've made actually a pretty
good life for myself, despitestruggling in high school.
And I also know that when he'sreally ready to learn for real,
he can take any high schoolcourse later in his life.
And it might cost a lot moremoney, but he's going to get the
education he wants and maybepaying for that course and
(23:20):
taking it later.
He's going to learn somevaluable lessons and maybe even
understand all the conceptsbetter because he's a little
older, a little more mature.
And maybe faith would tell methat, you know what his marks in
school matter way less than howI show up loving him right now.
So maybe faith would say.
You know what my job is to lovehim as best I can right now.
And to stop focusing on how he'sfailing and focus on how much he
(23:42):
means to me.
Now, I don't know what faithwould tell you.
That's what you get to access,but it is a really good practice
to get into when worry isoverwhelming you, what would
faith say?
Another thing that has helped meis learning to be okay with
others suffering.
I know this sounds superheartless, but I want you to
know it isn't that I revel intheir suffering.
(24:04):
But I just accept that there issuffering just like my suffering
that I have.
They're suffering is going tobring some really great life
lessons.
When we're worried, we too oftenwork to disrupt the suffering or
discomfort of others.
And when we do that, we caninterrupt important life
learning.
Now.
Use wisdom and judgment here.
(24:24):
I don't think you need to standback and watch your child get
bullied for a year and never saya word or change anything.
That's not what I'm saying, buttoo often we suffer when someone
we love suffers, so we want tostop their suffering.
So we don't have to suffer.
Once we can make peace with ourown suffering and accept that
it's okay for someone else tosuffer as well.
We will stop worrying so much.
(24:46):
Now to do this requires you togrow yourself up because it
requires faith that allafflictions and difficulties
will be consecrated for theirgood.
But it will decrease your worryso much.
If you can do this.
Don't be too hard on yourself.
This takes practice, but keeppracticing.
This has been so helpful for me,even when I do it in perfectly.
(25:06):
Uh, striving to allow otherpeople to suffer and be okay,
and just be there to support andhelp where I can so much more
helpful than the worry or tryingto get in the way of the lesson.
Another thing you can do isInstitute a worry time.
So I had a daughter who wouldworry so much and all day long,
(25:28):
she would want to talk to meabout it.
I'm so worried about this.
I'm so worried about this.
And it.
It was almost my undoing becauseit becomes so difficult to try
and manage their emotions andyour own and the situation.
So on the advice of a woman,much wiser than myself, my
mother.
I instituted worry time withthis daughter.
So at around nine o'clock atnight, she was allowed to come
(25:48):
into my room.
And for 20 minutes she couldjust worry.
She could tell me all about herworries.
No interruptions, no judgment,no advice, unless you wanted
some.
And she could just go for 20minutes.
And the amazing thing about thiswas first, my life felt way
better.
Because I wasn't having tolisten to the worries all day
long.
(26:08):
But more miraculous said thatwas her worry time.
Just got shorter and shorter andshorter.
I don't even know why thathappened, whether it was because
by verbalizing it, she wasprocessing it.
And so it was just able to kindof pass through.
Or whether just hearing herself,she realized I actually don't
really need to worry about thisanymore.
Or if just having someone reallylistened to her, made her feel
(26:30):
like, oh, I'm understood andheard.
And so it just all kind ofsettled down.
I have no idea.
But we didn't end up doing worrytime for a long period of time
because she just settled down.
So you can do this with a childor with a spouse or with a
friend.
But you could also do it withyourself.
This allows you to have a setaside time and a set length of
time where you can write or talkout all your worries and you get
(26:52):
to just worry as much as youwant.
Now, this is really good to letyou kind of just process through
your worry and just get it allout.
But it's also good for youbecause it requires you to
manage your mind when it isn'tworry time.
When we indulge in worry, worryis running the show.
Worry is driving the car and noone is telling it.
No.
But when you only let yourselfworry at a certain time of the
(27:15):
day, you are in the driver'sseat.
Now worry might be winding inthe back seat, but it's not
driving.
You're in charge, not worry.
That's why this really helps.
Also if worry feels especiallyoverwhelming, or even if it's
just a nagging feeling, you cando what I suggest with all
emotions.
Allow it and process it.
(27:35):
Let it be in your body.
Welcome it in.
Now, watch that you don't goback up into your brain and
start feeding it a bunch morethings to be worried about.
That's not what you're trying todo.
The goal is to focus on thefeeling of worry in your body,
where do you feel it?
What color is it?
Does it move?
Is it heavy?
Is it light?
Does it have a shape and justlet it be with you until it's
(27:56):
kind of had it say and driftsaway.
K.
So you can always just allow itand process it.
Another thing you can do whenworry feels especially intense,
is to bring yourself back to thepresent moment by engaging all
of your senses.
What do I hear right now?
And then you'll have to listen.
Right?
So you can really like, oh,here's what I hear right now.
(28:16):
I hear the clock ticking.
What do I feel?
What do I taste?
What do I see?
What am I smelling?
Make yourself really focused onwhat you are.
Presently experiencing.
It takes you away from the worryfor a moment.
But it also reminds your brainthat right now, in this moment,
(28:37):
I M O K.
And we know you're okay, becausewhen you're in immediate danger
or crisis, you're actually notworried anymore.
Did you know that the futuredoes not exist when you are in
an absolute, immediate, pendingdanger?
Your brain can only focus onwhat's happening right now.
So if my house is on fire, I'mnot worried about the talk I got
to give in church on Sunday.
(28:58):
So, if you're worrying rightnow, bring yourself back into
the present moment with yourfive senses and it will help you
remember that right now.
You are O K.
Another thing to do when yourbrain is wrapped up in worry is
to ask yourself questions.
Okay.
Okay.
I'm worried about this.
If that happens.
How do I want to handle it?
(29:19):
Who do I want to be?
What would I do?
How could I be the most helpfulif that situation comes up,
getting curious about what youwould want to do or would do or
plan to do is much more helpful.
I went into a meeting not longago.
And I was a little concernedbecause I'd had the heads up
that some of the peopleattending the meeting were
already upset.
(29:40):
So to take myself out of worry,I started to ask myself
questions like, okay, what arethe chances?
Things are really going to gowell in this meeting, really?
And I felt like, you know what?
They actually have a really highchance of going well.
The other people don't reallyknow me.
So I felt like they would bereasonable with me.
And then I asked, okay, if itstarts to go badly, for some
reason, what do I want to doabout that?
And so I just thought about whatcould possibly go wrong.
(30:03):
And in the end, I decided thatthe most important things that I
could do would be one to keepthe meeting focused on what it
was really about.
And to just show up honest andkind and thoughtful.
And I am so glad that I took thetime to really think about all
of that because the meeting didend up going sideways for a
little bit.
And I was put on the spot that Ihad a plan.
(30:24):
Now, I don't know what theexperience was for everyone else
in that meeting, but I leftfeeling like I had been who I
decided to be.
So when you're caught up inworry, it can just keep you
spinning instead of problemsolving.
So when you're worried, requireyourself to problem, solve a
little bit.
But remember to focus on whatyou actually have control over,
which is you.
So, what will you do?
(30:45):
Who are you going to be?
How are you going to help?
And the last thing I want tooffer you is that you can stop
offering yourself.
Worry whenever you want.
I mean, your brain is alwaysgoing to offer it to you all the
time.
Cause it's in the habit of doingthat.
It's just what it does, but youcan stop taking that offering.
You could try and go one day,worry free, and then try going
(31:07):
to days where he free then aweek and so on.
It's okay.
If the worry comes up, but youcan just decide you're not going
to take it.
You're not going to do it.
And I would add to this stopoffering worry to your friends
and to your kids, into yourhusband.
Don't be the friend that feedstheir worry or offers them new
things to worry about.
Be the friend who offers faith,be the friend who offers
(31:28):
confidence.
Be the friend who offers otheroptions.
I hope you all have a greatweek, everybody.
Thank you so much.
Worry less.
See you later.
Bye.
Thanks for listening today.
If you like what you hear on thepodcast, and you'd like to learn
more, feel free to head over tomy website.
(31:49):
Jamilin Stephan coaching.com orfind me on Instagram or Facebook
at Jamileh.
step in coaching.
I'm Jamilin Stephan and this iswant to want it episode number
(00:03):
107 worry.
Welcome to want to want it apodcast for women of the church
of Jesus Christ of latter daysaints who are ready to ignite
not only their sexual desire,but all of their desires to
create a more fulfilling lifeand marriage.
I'm jamielynn Stephan.
I'm a certified life coach, awife, and a mother of seven
(00:25):
children.
I'm excited to share my personaljourney to desire with you and
teach you how to desire more aswell Hey everybody.
I am so happy to be here today.
I took a few weeks off recordingand kind of out of my business
because I have a brand newgrandson that I got to spend so
much time with.
And he is of course.
(00:46):
Amazing and loved by everybodyand so much fun to hold and be
with.
But.
It's time to get back to realityand engage in my business again.
So here I am today to talk toyou about worry.
Worry is kind of interesting tothink about, because remember I
taught you the model, right?
You have a circumstance, andthen you have a thought about
(01:07):
that circumstance and thatthought creates a feeling in
your body and that feelingdrives you to act.
And then that action orinaction, whatever happens gives
you the results that you have inyour life.
Worry is super interestingbecause it happens in your mind.
So worry can be a thought,right?
Your thoughts can be worry, typethoughts, because worry is
(01:27):
really when we allow our mind todwell on.
Uh, difficulties or troubles orproblems, and maybe even not
even real problems, but some ofthem are actual problems.
Some of them are just potentialproblems that we have and we
kind of get so that our mind isdwelling and we're worrying.
So.
You could put worry in thethought line of the model.
So let's say that thecircumstance is that you're
(01:50):
going to take your driver'slicense exam today.
And so your thought is I'm soworried I'm going to fail,
right?
So you have worry as a thought.
But worry can also be a feelingyou can feel worried.
And most of us experienced someworry in our life because it's
almost a part of anxiety.
So back to the example of thedriver's test, you've got your
driver's test and your thoughtis if I mess up my parallel
(02:11):
parking today, I'm going tofail.
And then, because you'rethinking that thought you feel
worried, you feel worried aboutparallel parking.
So we're, it can be a thought ora feeling, but it can also be an
action.
I want you to think aboutanother definition of worry.
So another definition of worryis like when you're touching or
disturbing or pulling onsomething repeatedly, like a dog
(02:33):
can worry on a bone, right.
He worries a bone bite, justmeaning that he's biting it and
working on it constantly.
And for a long time, It's thesame idea with worry in your
action line, you can justconstantly worry and dwell on
the problem.
So let's say you're gettingready for your driver's test.
And in your mind, you just keepdwelling on the fact that you
could fail and you keep thinkingof all the things you might do
(02:54):
wrong to fail, and you justrepeatedly go to the story of
how you might fail.
And so your action is to worry.
So as we talk about worry today,You're going to hear me
describing worry as a way ofthinking.
Feeling actions, like all ofthose different things come into
worry.
Which honestly makes sensebecause worry is like fear and
doubt.
(03:14):
And so it is an opposition tofaith.
Which I'm going to talk a littlemore about later, but faith also
can be a thought or a feeling oran action.
So it is interesting, right?
It's an opposition to faith andit can be.
What you think or what you feelor how you act.
Worry.
Like anxiety is always futurefocused.
(03:36):
We are not feeling worried aboutwhat's happening right now in
the present moment.
Like in this instant, I'm notworried about this instant.
Does that make sense?
I may be worried about the nextinstant, but worry.
Isn't something we experience.
About what is happening rightnow, this very instant.
So it's just a good thing toremind your brain that worries
(03:58):
always living in the future.
Usually an unknown future, butby dwelling on all that could
possibly go wrong.
We cause herself pain in thepresent, right?
This unnecessary discomfort andpain in the present because we
are caught up in worry.
Now where it is so interestingas well, because worry is
something that we actually arewilling to give people more of.
(04:20):
So if you had a friend and shewas feeling like she was such a
failure as a mother, and she wasso disappointed in herself.
You would never add to herfeelings of disappointment by
telling her oh, and by the way,you're also failing as a wife,
right?
We just like, we don't do that.
Or if you have a friend who'soverwhelmed in his life, you're
not going to take the time to belike, Hey, listen, I get that.
(04:43):
You're totally overwhelmed overhere, but you have totally
dropped the ball in this area ofyour life as well.
Just so you know, We do not dothat.
In fact, if anything, we tryhard to talk our friends out of
negative emotions.
We desperately want people tofeel better.
But sometimes when our friendstell us about their worries, we
can be really quick to add moreworry onto their worries.
(05:05):
So for example, maybe yourfriend is worried about the
COVID vaccine.
Now, this is kind of acontroversial subject.
So maybe I shouldn't be bringingthis up on my podcast, but let's
just say that your friend isdebating about giving her kids a
COVID vaccine and is superworried about whether it's the
right thing to do.
And it's really frighteningabout it.
And then she comes to talk toyou and instead of doing what
(05:25):
you would do, if she was sad ordepressed or overwhelmed, you
decide to offer her more worry.
But you start telling herstories of kids in the hospital
that weren't vaccinated areabout someone that you heard had
vaccinated their child.
And that child ended up in thehospital because of the
vaccination.
Right.
Now it's not because a goodfriend should withhold good
information.
That's not what I'm trying tosay.
(05:46):
But it's the emotion behind whatyou share that matters.
So check yourself.
Are you stressed and worriedabout this too?
And so are you sharing thisinformation from that place?
Or can you share informationthat you have from a place of
reason and calm?
Now, maybe this is a toughexample for some, but I just
(06:07):
want to encourage you to lookwithin yourself and ask, do I
feel my friends worries or do Ihelp them out of it?
Like, for example, a friend whodoesn't want to fuel worry.
Maybe it would say, I can seehow worried you are about this,
because it can be really hardright now to find clear answers
about what to do.
And I mean, I've had my ownstruggles.
But I do know this.
(06:28):
You are your child's mother fora reason, and you're going to
know the right thing to do.
You're going to be able to cometo a decision and make peace
with it.
Something kind of like that,right.
Something that acknowledges howthey are feeling while offering
them the opportunity to turn tofaith or reason or calm.
Because there's no clarity andworry.
So if nothing else, a goodfriend wants to help their
(06:48):
friend get to more clarity.
Not to more worry.
Now not only do people encourageus in our worry at times.
People offer us worry all thetime.
They offer us things to worryabout and they tell us really,
we really should be worriedright there.
Like if you're not worried, youreally should be worried.
It's time for you to worry.
(07:09):
You know, you should worry aboutyour kids.
You should worry about theirfuture or their grades or their
relationships or their habitslike that.
Someone that gets me screentime.
I worry about screen time and Iget myself caught up in worrying
other people, telling me all theresearch and things about screen
time.
It just adds to my worry.
People tell us we should beworried about money, about what
our house looks like about ourspouse, cheating on us.
(07:33):
They tell us we should beworried about being embarrassed
or taken advantage of, or beingtreated fairly.
People encourage us to worryabout, you know, are you good
enough?
Are you pretty enough?
Are you acceptable enough?
They tell us, we should worryabout having hard conversations.
Like, oh, this is going to be areally hard conversation.
You should be totally stressedor being honest or vulnerable,
(07:54):
right.
Like, oh, they got to worryabout that.
Now we don't necessarily needpeople to offer us worry.
We do a great job on our own.
But part of the reason we are sogood at it is because we are fed
it constantly.
Advertisers thrive on worry.
It can even feel like reallywell-meaning church leaders or
church members want us to worry.
(08:15):
Right there.
Like, oh, this thing you shouldreally be worried when Christ
specifically tells us doubt, notfear, not.
So in other words, Don't worry.
So, again, not only does ourbrain offer us where all day,
every day, everyone else doestoo.
So in our area, like probablyyour area, people have a lot of
(08:35):
opinions about the.
Uh, schools.
Here like this.
This one's too full, that one'stoo old and run down that one's
got all the bad kids in it,right.
Or they have a ton of opinionsabout the teachers, you know,
he's way too strict.
She doesn't prepare the kidswell enough for the exams they
have to take.
Or I've just heard that guy,such a terrible teacher.
And it's just amazing how oftenpeople want to offer, worry to
(08:58):
their friends who are parents ofthe kids potentially going to
these schools.
And so.
Parents start to frantically tryand get their kids out of a
certain school or out of acertain class and all because
they were just offered.
Worry.
Now again, I appreciate it.
When someone gives me the headsup about something that really
matters, but too often, oneperson's worry is something that
(09:18):
they're just handing to you andnot really carefully thought out
information.
And you can tell by the way theyshare that information.
Just like I said before theyshare it and it's laced with
worry, right?
It's from this place where youfeel their worry, it's not
really from this place ofclarity or calm or reason.
Now, When I startedhomeschooling years ago.
(09:39):
I certainly had my own worriesabout it, but every one.
Except for other homeschoolersconstantly offered me worry They
would offer it in the form ofkind of questions, but they were
worry questions, right?
Like no one really wanted tocome straight out and say, your
kids are gonna be idiots becauseyou're doing this.
But they would say things like.
(10:00):
Like, what if your kids don'treally know how to socialize
well with other kids or adultsas they get older or.
Like how all your kids ever getopportunity to play sports.
Like they'll never get to playon the high school basketball
team or how can you be sure thatyou're going to actually be able
to teach them everything theyneed to know to succeed in life?
Or what do they need to learn?
Something that you don't knowabout and you can't teach them.
(10:20):
Now in truth, I actually hadfantastic answers for all of
these questions.
Answers that I felt reallyconfident in.
Because I knew there weresolutions to all of these
problems and I knew that some ofthem weren't even problems.
But I had my own worries becauseI just saw myself failing every
day, trying to balance the care,a little babies and toddlers
(10:42):
with teaching my older kids.
Plus we're taught to worry andwe're taught to adopt the worry
other people offer us.
So it felt like I was supposedto worry.
So I did.
And even though I was offered alot of comfort and peace,
especially through the holyghost, I could never really
grasp onto it.
Well, because I was so caught upin the worry, it felt like I
needed to worry, or I wouldn'tmake myself do a good job.
(11:05):
And it felt like I needed toworry.
So other people wouldn't have toworry for me.
And I felt like I needed toworry so that if my kids turned
out badly from it all, then Iwould just be able to say, yeah,
I totally saw this coming.
And by the way, I actuallycouldn't be happier with how my
kids have turned out the oneswho were mainly homeschooled and
the ones that were mainly in thepublic school system.
(11:25):
They're just awesome humans.
And looking back, I just want totake that homeschool mom and
tell her.
Don't worry one more minuteabout it.
I know it feels useful.
I know everyone else wants youto worry.
But it is completelyunnecessary.
And not useful at all.
It isn't helping you show up asa caring mother or a confident
homeschooler, and that'sactually harder on your kids
(11:46):
than anything else.
I just wish so badly.
I could go back and just tellher your okay, everything's
going to be fine.
And that is the thing that is sointeresting about worry is it's
so deceptive.
We tell ourselves that it isuseful and helpful when in
reality it just keeps us stuckor it keeps us acting ways that
(12:06):
aren't awesome.
They just, aren't really thebest ways to act.
I felt like it was useful toworry about my kids at home
learning with me, because then Ithought, okay, then I'm going to
be vigilant.
And I'm going to hold myself toa really high standard.
And then my fear of failing isgoing to help me keep on top of
them.
Right.
Cause I don't want them to fail.
But that's not really how itturned out.
(12:28):
I was just driven by worry andanxiety.
And I am sure that that showedup in the way I interacted with
my kids and probably in anegative way, most of the time,
in fact, For sure it did becauseworry is a negative emotion and
you just can't show up greatfrom that place.
And it certainly didn't help meor my mental health or my
confidence.
I just beat myself up every dayfor years.
(12:50):
But it felt like worry was theresponsible way to feel that I
needed to feel worried.
I had no idea that it wasactually making things worse.
Instead of getting curious andgetting creative.
I just worried.
But what would have beendifferent for me if I had just
taken time to ask myself, okay,listen, I'm worried about X, Y,
and Z.
Okay.
So if that happens, what am Igoing to do about it?
(13:12):
Or even to say, I can't controlmy kids or their experience with
me, but I can control who I wantto be.
So who do I want to be as ahomeschool mom?
What do I want to do to makethis fun and enjoyable and
fruitful?
Now.
It's not that I never askedmyself some of these questions a
little bit, but more often thannot, I was just stuck in worry.
And honestly, I am so thankfulfor coaching because I worry so
(13:35):
much less than I used to.
Now that I see how useless itis.
It catches me still at times forsure.
But I indulge in it way lessthan I used to when I was
constantly offered it by otherpeople.
And when I felt like aresponsible loving mother needs
to worry.
Which brings me to the nextthing I want to point out about
worry.
And that is worry is not love.
(13:58):
I had this epiphany when I wascoaching one day and then I
heard it in a talk in generalconference.
The one that was by Tamara wRooney.
Maybe it's Tamara.
I don't know, actually.
Anyways, sorry.
If you haven't read that talk orlisten to what you need to go
find it.
October 20, 23 generalconference of the church of
Jesus Christ of latter daysaints.
It's a Saturday evening sessionand it's called seeing God's
(14:20):
family through the overviewlens.
And it is so good.
And in that talk, she alsomentions how worry tricks us,
because it feels like love, butit isn't.
Love feels good.
You guys.
It feels so good.
Guess what does not feel good?
Worry.
That is how you know it is notlove.
(14:42):
And only true feelings of lovecan move us to truly loving
actions.
Worry.
Well, not.
I've talked to many mothers whoworry a lot about their kids,
the ones at home and the onesnot at home.
And some of them feel like itwould almost be a betrayal to
their children to not worryabout them.
They feel like it would be themost unloving thing to do to
(15:02):
stop worrying about them.
But I would argue that we arebetter parents when we require
ourselves to focus on loving ourchildren and not worrying about
them.
Honestly don't think that ourheavenly father and our heavenly
mother and our savior JesusChrist, the most loving beings
in the universe, the only beingswho really understand
unconditional love, I don'tthink they are worried about us.
(15:26):
I think they care about us, butI don't think they're sitting in
heaven stewing about us.
They think about us.
They care deeply about us.
They love us, but I honestlydon't think they are worried.
So if we want to take them, forexample, I don't think it serves
our kids to worry.
Now again, we can expressconcern with reason and love.
We can offer guidance from aplace of love and
(15:47):
thoughtfulness.
But trust me when I say our kidscan tell when we are worried.
And that just makes themworried.
And now if I go back to thistalk by tomorrow, w Rooney says.
She says in her talk.
I went through a rough patch mysenior year in high school, when
I wasn't making great choices.
I remember seeing my mom cryingand I wondered if I disappointed
(16:09):
her.
At the time I worried that hertears meant she'd lost hope for
me.
And if she didn't feel hope forme, maybe there wasn't a way
back.
But my dad was more practiced atzooming out and taking the long
view he learned from experiencethat worry feels a lot like
love, but is not the same.
He used the IFA to see thateverything would work out and
(16:30):
his hopeful approach changed me.
I really wanted to use thatstory because I think it
illustrates perfectly what I'mtrying to teach you here.
And to practice in my own life.
Worry, isn't loving.
Not only because then we act inways that aren't helpful, but
because our kids pick up on itand it affects their faith.
They start to worry.
They lose hope in themselves.
(16:51):
Uh, they start to believe thatthey're not going to figure it
out or work it out or come outon top.
So, if you want to really helpyour kids stop worrying about
them and start believing inthem, start teaching yourself to
have confidence in them.
I've talked before about how youhave a whole volleyball team of
players who are working to helpyour child overcome whatever
they need to overcome andsucceed.
(17:13):
You've got heavenly parents andJesus Christ.
You've got the holy ghost.
You have leaders and teachersand coaches and friends and
family, and all of these peopleare working for the good of your
child.
Knowing that helps me be moreconfident that everything's
going to work out just fine, andI can drop the worry.
It helps me move to trulyfeeling and showing love instead
(17:35):
of counterfeiting it with worry.
When I took my life coachtraining From Brooke Castillo,
she taught about a few negativeemotions that she described as
indulgent emotions.
So, what does it mean to indulgein something, right?
It means that you're going toyield to the desire of
something.
And you're going to beunrestrained.
So when you indulge in anemotion, it means you're going
(17:56):
to give into it withoutrestraint at all.
So often I'll tell people thatanger is indulgent.
Not because you're never goingto feel anger, but if you
constantly indulge in it, if youmake it your go-to and act on it
all the time you are beingindulgent.
It is indulgent to constantlynurturing her and then to yell
at people or throw things andhave a tantrum that's indulgent
(18:18):
behavior.
Now anger can feel reallypowerful and make you feel like
you have control when in realityyou're out of control.
Indulgent emotions deceive usthat we are doing something
helpful or useful when inreality, it is the opposite.
It's the same with worry.
It becomes habit.
It becomes this go-to emotionfor us.
(18:39):
With certain people that weassociate with or in certain
situations and we just feed it.
And so we worry and worry andworry because we think it's
useful and helpful.
But in reality, It usually justkeeps us stuck.
Nothing changes when we worry.
We keep acting the same.
We keep thinking the same and wenever have access to our best,
most mature grownup selves whenwe indulge in worry.
(19:01):
My husband is a physician and hespends a few days a week helping
people who suffer with chronicpain.
This is a super tough field ofmedicine because chronic pain is
no joke.
And there's often no cure forit, right.
There's just kind of bettercoping strategies, maybe ways to
help you feel less pain.
But a lot of the time.
These people pain is going to bewith them for their life.
(19:23):
So when my husband gets a newpatient, they often are asked to
answer questions.
To kind of put them on what'scalled the pain catastrophizing
scale.
So this scale tells the doctorsand other therapists we're going
to work with this patient.
How much they one ruminate abouttheir pain, right?
Like how much are they thinkingabout this?
Two.
(19:44):
If they magnify their pain, arethey saying like, I'm afraid.
This is just going to get wayworse and I'm going to have the
worst life because it's going tobe worse and worse and worse.
And the third thing they lookfor is if they feel helpless to
manage their pain, right.
Are they kind of saying there'sjust nothing to do about my
pain?
Nothing helps.
There's no help for me.
Now patients who score high onthe scale, the ones who really
(20:06):
magnify their pain, ruminateabout their pain all the time
and feel totally and utterlyhelpless about their pain.
Don't get better.
My husband told me that the paincatastrophizing scale is
actually really good atpredicting whether their pain
will resolve or not.
And if they score high on it, itmost likely won't resolve or get
any better.
(20:27):
And it has nothing to do withwhether they have access to
interventions or medicines ordifferent therapies at all, what
they think about their pain inthe end, determines whether they
have improvement or a cure fortheir pain.
It is what they think.
Now catastrophizing is justworry on steroids.
It's always looking into thefuture and believing the worst
(20:49):
case scenarios are coming orthat your situation is worse
than it actually is.
And when you catastrophize youcreate the very things you don't
want.
When pain patients are highcatastrophizers.
They create more pain.
And I think we can use this inour own lights.
Are you a catastrophizer or evenjust a chronic worrier?
Are you kind of addicted to it?
(21:10):
Do you indulge in it?
If there was a lifecatastrophizing scale, how high
would you score on it?
Really be honest with yourselfwith this, watch yourself for a
few days and see, because if youscore high because you
chronically worry.
I have to think just like thepain patients, it would be
predictive that your life is notgoing to really get any better.
(21:33):
So, what are some things we cando if we feel like we worry too
much?
If we feel like maybe we're abit addicted to worry or we
indulge in worry, I called oneof my daughters to ask her if
she felt like she had learned toworry by just watching me worry
as she was growing up.
And she's like, yeah, totally.
So I hung up on her.
Just kidding.
I totally did not hang up on herthat anyways.
(21:54):
It was actually really good tolisten to her.
Kind of tell me the ways thatshe had felt my worry at times.
And it made me take a closerlook at myself right now.
Because, like I said before, Iworry way less than I used to,
but I actually think I worrymore than I realize still.
And this is my work to do aswell.
So I have just a few suggestionsof things to do to help you
(22:16):
worry less.
There are no particular order.
It's not an exhaustive list, butI hope something on it will help
you.
First of all, it really helps meto remember that worry is the
opposite of faith.
When I feel faith, I feel trust.
I feel hope.
I feel confidence.
So one thing you can do whenworry is plaguing you is to ask
yourself, what would faith sayabout this?
(22:38):
Or if I had faith, what would Ibelieve in stead?
So let's say you're worriedabout the failing marks that
your child has in school rightnow.
And you worry, they won't beable to be successful as an
adult.
Because of how they're failingin school right now and not
doing well.
So then you would ask yourself,If I had faith, what would I
believe instead?
(23:00):
And maybe you would answer andsay, well, you know what?
I actually struggled in schooland I've made actually a pretty
good life for myself, despitestruggling in high school.
And I also know that when he'sreally ready to learn for real,
he can take any high schoolcourse later in his life.
And it might cost a lot moremoney, but he's going to get the
education he wants and maybepaying for that course and
(23:20):
taking it later.
He's going to learn somevaluable lessons and maybe even
understand all the conceptsbetter because he's a little
older, a little more mature.
And maybe faith would tell methat, you know what his marks in
school matter way less than howI show up loving him right now.
So maybe faith would say.
You know what my job is to lovehim as best I can right now.
And to stop focusing on how he'sfailing and focus on how much he
(23:42):
means to me.
Now, I don't know what faithwould tell you.
That's what you get to access,but it is a really good practice
to get into when worry isoverwhelming you, what would
faith say?
Another thing that has helped meis learning to be okay with
others suffering.
I know this sounds superheartless, but I want you to
know it isn't that I revel intheir suffering.
(24:04):
But I just accept that there issuffering just like my suffering
that I have.
They're suffering is going tobring some really great life
lessons.
When we're worried, we too oftenwork to disrupt the suffering or
discomfort of others.
And when we do that, we caninterrupt important life
learning.
Now.
Use wisdom and judgment here.
(24:24):
I don't think you need to standback and watch your child get
bullied for a year and never saya word or change anything.
That's not what I'm saying, buttoo often we suffer when someone
we love suffers, so we want tostop their suffering.
So we don't have to suffer.
Once we can make peace with ourown suffering and accept that
it's okay for someone else tosuffer as well.
We will stop worrying so much.
(24:46):
Now to do this requires you togrow yourself up because it
requires faith that allafflictions and difficulties
will be consecrated for theirgood.
But it will decrease your worryso much.
If you can do this.
Don't be too hard on yourself.
This takes practice, but keeppracticing.
This has been so helpful for me,even when I do it in perfectly.
(25:06):
Uh, striving to allow otherpeople to suffer and be okay,
and just be there to support andhelp where I can so much more
helpful than the worry or tryingto get in the way of the lesson.
Another thing you can do isInstitute a worry time.
So I had a daughter who wouldworry so much and all day long,
(25:28):
she would want to talk to meabout it.
I'm so worried about this.
I'm so worried about this.
And it.
It was almost my undoing becauseit becomes so difficult to try
and manage their emotions andyour own and the situation.
So on the advice of a woman,much wiser than myself, my
mother.
I instituted worry time withthis daughter.
So at around nine o'clock atnight, she was allowed to come
(25:48):
into my room.
And for 20 minutes she couldjust worry.
She could tell me all about herworries.
No interruptions, no judgment,no advice, unless you wanted
some.
And she could just go for 20minutes.
And the amazing thing about thiswas first, my life felt way
better.
Because I wasn't having tolisten to the worries all day
long.
(26:08):
But more miraculous said thatwas her worry time.
Just got shorter and shorter andshorter.
I don't even know why thathappened, whether it was because
by verbalizing it, she wasprocessing it.
And so it was just able to kindof pass through.
Or whether just hearing herself,she realized I actually don't
really need to worry about thisanymore.
Or if just having someone reallylistened to her, made her feel
(26:30):
like, oh, I'm understood andheard.
And so it just all kind ofsettled down.
I have no idea.
But we didn't end up doing worrytime for a long period of time
because she just settled down.
So you can do this with a childor with a spouse or with a
friend.
But you could also do it withyourself.
This allows you to have a setaside time and a set length of
time where you can write or talkout all your worries and you get
(26:52):
to just worry as much as youwant.
Now, this is really good to letyou kind of just process through
your worry and just get it allout.
But it's also good for youbecause it requires you to
manage your mind when it isn'tworry time.
When we indulge in worry, worryis running the show.
Worry is driving the car and noone is telling it.
No.
But when you only let yourselfworry at a certain time of the
(27:15):
day, you are in the driver'sseat.
Now worry might be winding inthe back seat, but it's not
driving.
You're in charge, not worry.
That's why this really helps.
Also if worry feels especiallyoverwhelming, or even if it's
just a nagging feeling, you cando what I suggest with all
emotions.
Allow it and process it.
(27:35):
Let it be in your body.
Welcome it in.
Now, watch that you don't goback up into your brain and
start feeding it a bunch morethings to be worried about.
That's not what you're trying todo.
The goal is to focus on thefeeling of worry in your body,
where do you feel it?
What color is it?
Does it move?
Is it heavy?
Is it light?
Does it have a shape and justlet it be with you until it's
(27:56):
kind of had it say and driftsaway.
K.
So you can always just allow itand process it.
Another thing you can do whenworry feels especially intense,
is to bring yourself back to thepresent moment by engaging all
of your senses.
What do I hear right now?
And then you'll have to listen.
Right?
So you can really like, oh,here's what I hear right now.
(28:16):
I hear the clock ticking.
What do I feel?
What do I taste?
What do I see?
What am I smelling?
Make yourself really focused onwhat you are.
Presently experiencing.
It takes you away from the worryfor a moment.
But it also reminds your brainthat right now, in this moment,
(28:37):
I M O K.
And we know you're okay, becausewhen you're in immediate danger
or crisis, you're actually notworried anymore.
Did you know that the futuredoes not exist when you are in
an absolute, immediate, pendingdanger?
Your brain can only focus onwhat's happening right now.
So if my house is on fire, I'mnot worried about the talk I got
to give in church on Sunday.
(28:58):
So, if you're worrying rightnow, bring yourself back into
the present moment with yourfive senses and it will help you
remember that right now.
You are O K.
Another thing to do when yourbrain is wrapped up in worry is
to ask yourself questions.
Okay.
Okay.
I'm worried about this.
If that happens.
How do I want to handle it?
(29:19):
Who do I want to be?
What would I do?
How could I be the most helpfulif that situation comes up,
getting curious about what youwould want to do or would do or
plan to do is much more helpful.
I went into a meeting not longago.
And I was a little concernedbecause I'd had the heads up
that some of the peopleattending the meeting were
already upset.
(29:40):
So to take myself out of worry,I started to ask myself
questions like, okay, what arethe chances?
Things are really going to gowell in this meeting, really?
And I felt like, you know what?
They actually have a really highchance of going well.
The other people don't reallyknow me.
So I felt like they would bereasonable with me.
And then I asked, okay, if itstarts to go badly, for some
reason, what do I want to doabout that?
And so I just thought about whatcould possibly go wrong.
(30:03):
And in the end, I decided thatthe most important things that I
could do would be one to keepthe meeting focused on what it
was really about.
And to just show up honest andkind and thoughtful.
And I am so glad that I took thetime to really think about all
of that because the meeting didend up going sideways for a
little bit.
And I was put on the spot that Ihad a plan.
(30:24):
Now, I don't know what theexperience was for everyone else
in that meeting, but I leftfeeling like I had been who I
decided to be.
So when you're caught up inworry, it can just keep you
spinning instead of problemsolving.
So when you're worried, requireyourself to problem, solve a
little bit.
But remember to focus on whatyou actually have control over,
which is you.
So, what will you do?
(30:45):
Who are you going to be?
How are you going to help?
And the last thing I want tooffer you is that you can stop
offering yourself.
Worry whenever you want.
I mean, your brain is alwaysgoing to offer it to you all the
time.
Cause it's in the habit of doingthat.
It's just what it does, but youcan stop taking that offering.
You could try and go one day,worry free, and then try going
(31:07):
to days where he free then aweek and so on.
It's okay.
If the worry comes up, but youcan just decide you're not going
to take it.
You're not going to do it.
And I would add to this stopoffering worry to your friends
and to your kids, into yourhusband.
Don't be the friend that feedstheir worry or offers them new
things to worry about.
Be the friend who offers faith,be the friend who offers
(31:28):
confidence.
Be the friend who offers otheroptions.
I hope you all have a greatweek, everybody.
Thank you so much.
Worry less.
See you later.
Bye.
Thanks for listening today.
If you like what you hear on thepodcast, and you'd like to learn
more, feel free to head over tomy website.
(31:49):
Jamilin Stephan coaching.com orfind me on Instagram or Facebook
at Jamileh.
step in coaching.
Popular Podcasts
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations.
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
The Nikki Glaser Podcast
Every week comedian and infamous roaster Nikki Glaser provides a fun, fast-paced, and brutally honest look into current pop-culture and her own personal life.