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JJ Heller's What Love Really Means Used By Permission (See License)

WERE you there in 2020 when we started? These combined throw-back episodes is full of cliffhangers you don't have to wait or listen to another episode, all praise to the Star of the story, wow the growth of the podcast and personal healing, thank you Jesus!

What if the journey to healing trauma could be mapped through faith and community? The latest episode of Wednesdays with Watson explores the transformative power of these two pillars. Reflecting on my personal experiences with PTSD, I share how an unexpected diagnosis and the unwavering support of my church created a foundation for my recovery. We’ll revisit earlier episodes from our inaugural season, "PTSD, Jesus, and Me," during our upcoming hiatus, highlighting the profound impact of community and counseling.

As I work on my dissertation proposal for a doctorate in educational psychology, we dive deeper into the importance of supportive communities in battling trauma. Through stories of receiving a PTSD diagnosis, the role of trauma-informed therapy, and the physical impacts of trauma on the brain, I aim to provide comfort and understanding. We discuss pivotal moments that illustrate how trauma manifests in daily life and the need to remove mental health stigmas. By sharing personal anecdotes alongside biblical references, we examine the universal nature of trauma and the significance of safe spaces.

Faith, community, and the fight for self-acceptance are central to our conversations. From recounting the detachment experienced during trauma to finding solace in the Bible, we explore the shared human struggle for worthiness and the importance of compassionate connections. This episode serves as a heartfelt prayer for anyone experiencing similar pain, reminding them that they are not alone. Through the lens of my own recovery journey, I hope to inspire listeners to seek and find the support they need, knowing that healing is always within reach.

License for "What Love Really Means"
April 22, 2024 

The Music Bed, LLC ("MB") approves the use of "What Love Really Means" (Composition(s) and Master(s)) for Wednesdays with Watson "Wednesdays with Watson" (the "Production") pursuant to your request date April 22, 2024 as follows: 

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Worldwide
 Wednesdays with Watson 

Hosted by Amy Watson, a passionate advocate for mental health and a trauma survivor, this podcast aims to provide a safe and empathetic space for listeners to learn, share, and find hope. In each episode, we delve deep into the multifaceted aspects of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) and its far-reaching effects. 

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
Who will love me for me, not for what I have done or
what I will become.
Who will love me for me Causenobody has shown me what love,
what love really means.

Speaker 2 (00:33):
Hey everybody, and welcome to Wednesdays with
Watson.
It is July of 2024 and you arein for a little bit of a
different experience if you area regular listener to the
Wednesdays with Watson podcast.
Over the next two months, overJuly and August, we are going to
put the podcast on hiatus.
However, we are going tore-release some episodes from
the first season that most ofyou probably have not heard, and

(00:55):
so we're going to combine someof these episodes, many of which
I left off on a cliffhanger.
So back in the day, people hadto wait two weeks to find out
the rest of the story.
So back in the day, people hadto wait two weeks to find out
the rest of the story.
As you're listening to what weare going to share with you
today, just keep in mind who youhear talking to you right now

(01:15):
and how unbelievably faithfulGod has been, because, even when
I look back to four and a halfyears ago when I recorded these
episodes, even when I look backto four and a half years ago
when I recorded these episodes,I am such a different person so
much healing, so much hope, somuch growth, and part of that

(01:40):
has been because of this, whichhad become a bit of a passion
project my community andcounseling, which, from the very
beginning, became the taglinefor this podcast, along with
Jesus, who is the star of mystory.
And so, as you listen to thesefirst set that we're going to
drop today, we will be doingthat all through July and August

(02:00):
, and you will know, if you're anew listener, why all of these
things matter to me.
As for me, during July andAugust, I will be behind a
computer getting my dissertationproposal ready.
As some of you know, I am allthe dissertation done with my
doctorate degree in educationalpsychology, with a focus on

(02:22):
trauma and community care.
I'm looking forward to whatthat means for the podcast.
We have brand new content and abrand new format coming at you
in September, and so, until then, though, especially for those
of you that are new, enjoy thesedropback episodes so that we

(02:59):
can see how faithful God is.
Lot of prayer.
We have decided to launch thispodcast and we've decided to
name season one PTSD Jesus andMe.
During the course of thisseason, we will talk about my
story of ridiculous hope,ridiculous healing and, yes,
some repercussions of complexpost-traumatic stress disorder.

(03:19):
After living through threedecades of trauma, I am so
excited to be on this journeywith you.
This podcast is produced by AmyHyland and brought to you by
your favorite podcast streamingservice, and in order for you to
keep getting our podcasts andnotifications, don't forget to
hit that subscribe button.
I would also be honored if youwould follow me on social media.

(03:40):
All social media platforms arethe same Instagram, facebook and
Twitter.
Amy Watson.
Author.
Buckle up, let's enjoy the rideand let the healing begin.
Hey everybody, and welcome tothe inaugural season of
Wednesdays with Watson, and Iwish that you could actually see

(04:01):
the smile on my face.
That would reflect my gratitudefor you just spending a few
minutes of your time with metoday.
You know, it has often beensaid that the best investment of
our time, if we are going tospend time in the written word
or, in this case, the spokenword that we should write about
or speak about something that weknow, something that maybe we
would be considered an expert.

(04:22):
I'm not sure that I believethat, but we're going to go with
it.
I wish I were not an expert onthe topic that I chose for the
inaugural season of Wednesdayswith Watson.
I wish I could tell you that Iwas an expert in this field
because of the degrees on mywalls or because classes that
I've attended or just I was bornwith the expertise, but none of

(04:43):
that is true.
The reality is that the topicthat I decided to spend my
inaugural season of my podcaston comes from personal
experience, backed by a lifetimeof trauma.
As I prayed about the topic forseason one the thing that you
would listen to on the otherside and on your phone or on

(05:04):
your iPad on your computer as Iprayed about what to talk about,
I fought it for a long time,but I landed on my experience
and my diagnosis withpost-traumatic stress disorder.
I decided to tell this storybecause the story is greater
than just the diagnosis.
The story is greater than thetrauma that led to the diagnosis

(05:25):
.
The story is a story of healing, although the healing doesn't
look like.
Maybe I wanted it to.
Maybe some people on theoutside wouldn't consider that
there's been healing, butthere's been healing and I want
to tell you that story.
I want to tell you the threereasons why I feel like I am
sitting here, alive andbreathing, and able to even do
this today.

(05:46):
Primarily, first and foremost,my faith.
My faith in Jesus, who is theauthor and finisher, who paid a
heavy price so that I could walkthis earth and that I could
heal from pain, particularlyfrom pain from trauma, followed
closely by my communityoftentimes the same, the
community in my church althoughthat's not the entire community

(06:07):
that has helped me through thisand then, finally, and probably
the most difficult, a lot oftime in a counselor's office and
trauma-informed therapy.
I can't wait to tell you thestory of my church and how they
came alongside of me.
I can't wait to tell you thestory of my pastor's wife, who
drove me to the hospital andadmitted me to the psych ward.

(06:29):
I can't wait to tell you thestory of the shock on my face
when the doctor told me that Ihad post-traumatic stress
disorder.
I just looked at her because Ididn't ever think that I was
worthy of a diagnosis.
I thought my pain was nevergoing to matter and I certainly
didn't think that I deserved anytreatment or intervention at

(06:50):
all.
I can't wait to tell you thestory of how I have learned my
value through my healing withpost-traumatic stress disorder.
I can't wait to tell you thosestories.
I can't wait to tell you thestory of my co-workers who each
of them gave a sick day so thatI could take another 30 days of
intensive outpatient therapyafter having spent five days in

(07:12):
the hospital under a psych hold.
Basically, after 35 years, mybody just fell apart.
I can wait to tell you thatstory, but I'm going to.
Anyway.
That's not something I reallylike to talk about.
It's a lot, a lot of pain, butif you know me and if you've
ever met me, one statement thatyou've always heard me say is
that I just want to be a goodsteward of my pain.

(07:34):
I want my pain to matter, andso I hope it matters in your
life.
Whether you are suffering fromany of these illnesses like
post-traumatic stress disorder,anxiety or depression, do you
guys catch that?
I call that an illness, becausethat's what it is.
Whether they are psychologicalillnesses, whether they are

(07:54):
physiological illnesses orwhether they are, like mine,
trauma-based, they are illnesses.
Make no mistake.
We are now connected, unlikewhen I was diagnosed 12 years
ago.
We are more connected witheveryone in our lives than we
ever have been in the history ofthe world yet we are more
disconnected than we've everbeen as well.

(08:15):
As I am recording this, we arecurrently under a worldwide
pandemic, basically a virus thatis ruling our lives.
Fear is ruling and uncertaintyis at an all-time high, and
there's no doubt that we willhave so many more diagnoses of
all of these types of disordersand these illnesses when this is

(08:36):
all over.
My question to you is what willwe do then?
Because it's been 12 years andbecause I have been on a journey
of healing, I feel like I havesomething to add.
I feel like we all havesomething to add.
During the course of thispodcast, it is my desire that we
will learn together how to walkalongside those who are either

(08:58):
in our church or workplace orour family, who are suffering
from these debilitatingillnesses.
How do we take the stigma awayfrom medical intervention?
How do we take the stigma awayfrom pharmaceutical intervention
?
How do we take the stigma awayfrom trauma-informed therapy?
How do we help people?
How do we do that?

(09:19):
How do we provide a safe placefor them to seek help?
During the course of thisseason, you will have the
opportunity to hear from expertsin the field, one of them being
the counselor who is actuallywalking me through my diagnosis
of complex post-traumatic stressdisorder.
You'll also have theopportunity to hear from some of
my friends who walked methrough this.

(09:40):
It is my hope that you willfind comfort and healing in my
story.
It is my hope that you willresist the temptation to compare
my story with yours.
It is my hope that you willresist the temptation to compare
my healing with yours.
I fully recognize that myhealing looks different.
I fully recognize that thereare some of you, under the sound

(10:03):
of my voice, who have beggedGod to heal them, and God has
chosen to tell a different story.
And you still wake up andstruggle to get out of bed.
I am fully, fully aware of thatand I strongly encourage you
not to compare my story withyours, but to gain hope from the
star of my story and the starof yours too, and that is the

(10:26):
great physician.
Jesus is the star of my story.
He is the one that, even whenhealing doesn't look like I want
it to, there has been healingthat has not come for me.
There is lots of healing thathas come for me, and over the
course of this podcast I'llshare some of those things with

(10:46):
you.
But he hasn't taken it all awaylike I'd like him to, but he's
still the star of my story and Iwant him to be the star of
yours too.
He is the great physician.
He's a great physician for usall.
This is a very real issue, guys,us all.
This is a very real issue, guys, and it is my desire for my
pain to matter.
Otherwise, I'd just rather goahead and be with Jesus now,

(11:15):
because my pain needs to matter.
It needs to give you hope, itneeds to help you understand
that you can wake up with hopeand faith and love and joy in
every single one of its cousins.
It is my desire that, if youare not suffering from some of
these things, that you will beable to help those who are.
Regardless of why you're here,how long you'll stay, I'm so
glad that you are here.
I want you to know that.
I want Joel 2.25 to behighlighted in my story and

(11:39):
anything I ever touch, whetherthat be the written or the
spoken word, because Jesus isthe great redeemer of all of the
years that our enemy has stolenfrom us.
He is remarkably faithful inthat promise and that promise
happens to be one of my favoritepromises in all of the Bible.
We will have such greatopportunity during the course of
this podcast to grow together,to learn together.

(12:00):
The podcast itself will evolveand it will be directed by that
star of the story that I keeptelling you about, the great
physician who wants to heal usin the way that he wants to heal
us so that it can be used.
Romans 8, 28 is a verse that'sso often overused, but so true
that all things work togetherfor the good to those that love

(12:22):
God.
And if we will let the star ofour story, the great physician,
heal us in whatever way he wantsto, whether that means that we
still have to depend on him forevery single breath, because
sometimes it hurts to breathewhen the nightmares and the
terrors and the physicalsymptoms of some of these things

(12:42):
still occur, I want us toalways lean on that great
physician and trust him becausehe is good.
He is so good, even if hedoesn't heal us the way we want
to be healed.
He will redeem those years.
It will certainly be anadventure.
It'll be an adventure for youand it'll be an adventure for me
, and I know that the subjectmatter tends to be a little bit

(13:04):
heavy, but I promise that wewill have a whole bunch of fun.
While we're at it, please goahead and click on that
subscribe button so that when wedo publish podcasts every other
Wednesday, that is immediatelydownloaded to your device.
I'd also love it if you guyswould follow me on social media.
You can also email me atamywatsonauthorcom.

(13:24):
I covet your prayers as we goon this adventure together and
certainly would love to pray foryou, and so you could use any
of those mediums to get thoseprayer requests to me.
See you guys in a couple ofweeks and until then, take care.

Speaker 1 (13:38):
He cries in the corner where nobody sees.
He's the kid with the story.
No one would believe he praysevery night.
Dear God, won't you pleasecould you send someone here who
will love me?

Speaker 2 (14:00):
Hey everybody, you are listening to Wednesdays with
Watson.
I'm your host, amy Watson, andthank you for joining me today.
On today's podcast, I am goingto begin to tell you some of my
story, and we will also delveinto some of the practical
implications of post-traumaticstress disorder, as those of you
who are listening to thepodcast have come either to seek

(14:23):
information for yourself orsomebody that you love, and so,
as we move through this seasonthat we have called PTSD Jesus
and Me it is my desire to makesure that I help you via
storytelling and also having theopportunity to teach you some
very real issues that many, manypeople don't know about
post-traumatic stress disorder,just by way of a little bit of

(14:46):
housekeeping.
Today's episode will featuresome sensitive information as it
pertains to substance abuse andjust some very real issues that
come along with post-traumaticstress disorder.
So just a little bit of awarning there nothing real scary
for younger listeners, butobviously as a bit of a trigger

(15:06):
warning too.
We will be talking about trauma, and so just kind of be mindful
of that.
So sit back and relax and thankyou for joining and let's let
the healing continue.
Hey, everybody, and welcome backto Wednesdays with Watson.
I am your host, amy Watson, andguys, I am extraordinarily

(15:27):
grateful that you have decidedto invest a little bit of your
time with me today.
To say that I am overwhelmed bythe response of the inaugural
podcast is a bit of anunderstatement.
I am so, so grateful to thoseof you who are coming along
behind this adventure in supportof what we are trying to do.
We have named this season PTSDJesus and Me, and really I named

(15:51):
it that, guys, because I can'ttell you my story without
telling you the star of my story.
Remember my story.
The reason why I'm doing thisis to tell you about my journey
to diagnosis with complexpost-traumatic stress disorder,
and I simply would not be heretoday without that star of my
story.
So of course, I had to put hisname in the title of the podcast

(16:14):
.
He, along with what I havedubbed as the three C's and I
think that's the writer in mewho just loves alliteration the
three C's of my church and mycommunity, as well as
trauma-informed counseling,those things are the only reason
why I'm even alive to share mystory with you today, and so we
will visit those three C's often.

(16:34):
As I tell you my story, I'mgoing to vacillate in and out of
how those people and thosethings were really instrumental.
And what mostly today is goingto be about is my journey to the
diagnosis.
What mostly today is going tobe about is my journey to the
diagnosis and um, and then afterthat you know my, my church and
my community, and then, moreimportantly, trauma-informed

(16:55):
counseling is just so, so vitalin the in the healing, and
healing can come, and that isthe reason I'm doing this,
because I want you to find hopethat healing can come.
So I won't be able, by anystretch of the imagination, to
share all of my story with youguys, but I will always have a
destination and we may or maynot get there on any given

(17:16):
podcast.
I am a writer who likes to leavethings on cliffhangers
sometimes, and just rememberthat if you don't like the
cliffhanger, you can alwaysreach out to me and I'd be happy
to have some virtual coffeewith you and tell you the rest
of the story.
But just know that you may notalways know where I'm headed on
any given podcast, except for mywhole motivation and direction

(17:37):
is to tell you the story of mydiagnosis and treatment of PTSD.
I do not think that Iunderstood the responsibility of
tackling a subject like this,though the other night, in the
middle of the night literally, Iwoke up and the gravity of this
whole thing hit me.
It is an important topic, as weknow.
That being said, as nervous asI am, and the fact that it is

(18:00):
Thursday or the week before thisis to publish and I have
literally been working on it allweek that tells you how
important I know that this is,but it also fills me with
inexplicable joy.
I love, love, love, lovehelping people, and so this is
really my sweet spot.
You will hear me vacillate somany times between teacher and

(18:20):
storyteller, because I am both.
I love telling stories.
I am an eight on the Enneagramand for those of you who know
that I am an 8 on the Enneagramand for those of you who know
that, you know that Enneagram 8typically loved them, some them
and so I love talking about mystory, not only because it's a
cool story, but because you knowmost people may not admit that

(18:40):
they love talking about them,and so I do love telling stories
, and I certainly love tellingthis story, but I'm also a
teacher, and a teacher by trade,or at least for some part of my
career, I loved teaching, andso you will see me vacillate
back and forth between being astoryteller and then also
sharing with you informationthat I have learned either by

(19:02):
way of personal experience orbecause I've researched it,
because when we're on a subjectlike this, it is important to
understand who our sparringpartner is.
I so often think of my battlewith PTSD as a boxing match,
even though I've never boxed aday in my life, nor do I watch
it, but my sparring partner isPTSD, and it is a sparring

(19:25):
partner that can be the knockoutpunch if we let it.
And so, as I begin to speak toyou about my story and some of
the science of PTSD, we willtalk about, throughout the
course of the podcast, cuttingedge therapies that have helped
me along the way, and, as I'vementioned to you, my counselor
will do a session with us, andso, that being said, we will

(19:49):
continue on today with my life'sgoal, which is Philippians 112,
where Paul says.
I want you to understand thatthe things that have happened to
me have really happened.
Out of the furtherance of thegospel, and as we get into some
of the science of PTSD, I wantto tell you guys a current story
that just recently happened tome, because this story really is

(20:09):
so much of a picture of PTSDand how it exhibits itself and
the way we were created toprotect ourselves from danger.
And so I live in Florida and Iactually can't believe that this
is the first time this happenedto me, because I've lived here
my entire life and I amterrified, like my body, my DNA

(20:29):
I'm a first generation Floridian.
No DNA in me that is acceptingof snakes and alligators and
anything in the reptile family,terrified of all of them, and so
the fact that this is the firsttime this happened to me in my
life is actually quiteremarkable.
But the other day I was walkingI had my iPad in my hand and it
was the iPad Pro, so it's a bigiPad.

(20:50):
And so I opened the door to goto my back porch and as I opened
the interior door to go out tothe screened-in porch, I looked
down and I literally froze,because when I looked down I saw
a snake.
Now it was a black snake and Idon't need anyone commenting in
the show notes that black snakesare good.

(21:12):
There are no good snakes.
I certainly didn't have time tostand there and decide whether
it was a good snake or not, andI at first I froze, and then I
literally flew across the porchand jumped up on a chair and
texted my neighbor and asked herto come help me, and she didn't
, by the way, but that is asnapshot of a PTSD brain.

(21:35):
Oftentimes when we talk aboutPTSD you'll hear professionals
talk about it in a coupledifferent, really cool ways.
That helps us understand it.
And so there is this phenomenonof fight, flight and freeze,
and I kind of did two of thosethings, or actually did all.
Well, I didn't fight the snake,but that day when I, when my

(21:55):
body said my brain said, hey,that's dangerous, I froze first,
and then I literally ran acrossthe room and had there been a
battle to fight, like I had ashovel or something, I could
have also fought in that.
And so that day when I saw thatsnake is a bit of a picture of
what danger does to us.
It is not wildly understood andwe'll talk about this a little

(22:18):
bit more later, but it is notwildly understood why the same
person can have the same traumaand one person be adversely
affected by it and the otherperson not be adversely affected
by it.
What I do want to say iswhether or not somebody is
adversely affected by any giventrauma.
If it's the exact same traumahas nothing to do with how

(22:38):
strong they are emotionally orpsychologically or any of those
things.
We will talk about the scienceof trauma and that it actually
does physical damage to thebrain and, just like any other
disease, we don't understand whysome people exhibit symptoms
and some people don't, and soit's really, really important to
continue to remember that thingthat I keep mentioning about
not comparing our pain and notcomparing our trauma, and that

(23:00):
would be true about notcomparing your level of being
affected by trauma as well.
Sometimes you will hearcounselors and professionals
talk to you about PTSD and avery practical something that we
also see in nature by way of acheetah.
A cheetah is a giant, big catthat we see in the wild.

(23:21):
It is also the fastest animalin the world.
A cheetah can run 65 to 70miles an hour, and a cheetah
runs first and ask questionslater, and so, when we are faced
with trauma, our response isoften similar to that cheetah,
because we immediately go inflight mode.
We will run like that cheetahand we will run fast and we will

(23:42):
run hard.
The problem, as you're going tosee, with part of my story
today, with that kind of speed,is that it cannot be sustained,
and so, oftentimes, theexhaustion of running from that
trauma, we get stuck in thefight of our lives, severely
impacted by the hits and punchesthat come with PTSD, and so
that is just a little bit, andyou're going to hear me talk

(24:02):
about particularly the cheetahexample, as well as the
fight-flight-freeze component ofPTSD today, but those are just
some practical things tounderstand about trauma.
One of the things that perhapsshould serve as some comfort to
you as you try to deal withtrauma or as you're working with
people in your family that youlove or friend, for whatever

(24:25):
reason you're here listening tothis podcast, is to remember
that trauma is universal andtrauma is not new.
As we read in Ecclesiastes,chapter 3, there's absolutely
nothing new under the sun.
We can see the earliestrecording of trauma way back in
Genesis, when Cain killed Abel.
We don't know whether Eve foundAbel dead, murdered by the

(24:46):
hands of her son, cain.
Somebody had to tell her, and Ithink it's fair to say that
that was probably a prettytraumatic event for Eve to be
experiencing in our newly brokenworld.
It's safe to assume that Noahdealt with some trauma as he
faced insurmountable loss in hispath to obedience.
Job absolutely experiencedtrauma and lost, none of which

(25:07):
was his fault.
David wrote what was probablythe most accurate depiction of
PTSD found anywhere, in myopinion, much less anywhere in
the Bible in Psalm 91.
Verses 5 and 6 are pretty mucha journal of the day in the life
of a PTSD patient.
I call it the PTSD promisebecause Psalm 91, 5 and 6,

(25:28):
snapshot of the day of a bad dayof a PTSD patient.
You will not fear the terror ofthe night, nor the arrow that
flies by day, nor the pestilencethat stalks the darkness, nor
the plague that destroys midday.
That is exactly.
Every minute of every day hasthe potential to be very, very
difficult for somebody sufferingwith PTSD, and so David clearly

(25:51):
had some trauma going on, asdid many of the people that
wrote the Psalms obviously weregoing through some difficult
things.
Finally, jesus, being fully Godand fully man, suffered trauma
more than any of us can everimagine experiencing.
In Hebrews 4, 15 and 16, I'mgoing to read from the message
Love, this scripture Now we knowthat we have Jesus, this great

(26:13):
high priest, with ready accessto God, the Father.
We don't have a priest who isout of touch with our reality.
He has been through ourweakness and testing.
He has experienced it all.
So let us approach his throneboldly, with confidence and with
humility, because we do notlove a king who does not
understand our trauma, and so sooftentimes, when people go

(26:37):
through trauma, we convinceourselves that it's not that bad
or that it's not important,because somebody else's trauma
is worse than our trauma.
But trauma is not new andtrauma needs for you to pay
attention to it, because if youdon't, it will pay attention to
you.
The other thing that I thinkcomes so often with PTSD as we

(27:00):
are, you know, convincingourselves that maybe we're too
hard on ourselves, that weshouldn't be experiencing the
trauma like we are it's so notunderstood and is often covered
with cliche answers fromwell-meaning people, and that
brings shame and confusion.
So many people have thisphilosophy if you've got a
problem, I have a Bible verse,and while, yes, every problem

(27:22):
there probably is a Bible verse,there are times when we can
bring those things in, and weneed to be wise about that, for
lack of a better way to explainthat to you, because trauma is
so not understood and is notgoing to ever be the answer by
giving people cliche answers.
We need to walk alongsidepeople and, as you will hear,

(27:43):
some people did that for me andthat one of those C's that I
keep talking about in mycommunity.
It's important to remember thateverybody has trauma.
If you are listening to thispodcast and you have not
experienced trauma, let me tellyou something that is as sure as
gravity you will, because theBible tells us that we will have
suffering in this world andthat no one gets through this

(28:05):
lifetime without trauma.
And again, we're not comparingtrauma.
Remember, we all have it.
We're not comparing it.
Now here's what I'd like to slipinto teacher mode just for a
second, because trauma andremember trauma by definition is
basically something thatthreatens or causes physical

(28:25):
like we're not safe, we don'tfeel safe, or we're literally
not safe.
So trauma, ptsd can either becaused by you you perceive that
you're not safe, we don't feelsafe, or we're literally not
safe.
So trauma, ptsd can either becaused by you perceive that
you're not safe, even though youmay be safe, or you're
literally not safe and somethinghappens to you.
And when that happens, traumacauses physical damage to the
brain, and we will talk aboutthis at great length with Dr
Pettit when he comes on.
But suffice it to say thatthere are practical

(28:47):
repercussions to untreatedtrauma and for me, that served
as a discouragement to me.
I will sometimes be heardreferring to my brain as broken.
And as I was getting ready forthis podcast and writing my
notes, I wrote you are notbroken.
And even as I wrote that, I hadto check myself at the door and

(29:08):
see if I actually believed thatI am not broken, because even
though trauma causes physicaldamage to the brain, it doesn't
mean we're broken.
And even if we are broken again, we do not love a king who is
unfamiliar with that kind ofbrokenness.
It is not new.
We see his faithfulness allthrough the Bible restoring
brokenness.

(29:28):
And so, as I said, in hisfaithfulness, all through the
Bible, restoring brokenness.
And so, as I said in theinaugural podcast, I'm going to
evolve, the podcast is going toevolve.
And so that was a moment for methis week.
As I was getting ready for thisand wrote those words I am not
broken I literally just kind ofstepped back and thought to
myself do you really believethat?
And so that was a moment for me.
But there are some.
So, for example I'll give youguys some examples I struggle

(29:51):
with spatial issues.
One of the things that I can'tdo that all of the world is
doing right now, because we'reall stuck in our houses, is I
can't put together a puzzle.
I just can't do it Like I can'tsee it, I can't envision it,
even the edges I have a hardtime with.
This is embarrassing to me,especially back in the day when
I was at the children's home.
I grew up in a children's homeand we would the kids would sit

(30:14):
down around a table and puttogether a puzzle, and I
couldn't.
I could never understand it andI still, to this day, cannot
put together a puzzle, and thisis because of physical damages
to my brain from trauma.
When I was younger, I struggledwith my right and left and
teachers often dubbed me withdyslexia and other disorders,
even though I never, ever,struggled as a student.

(30:35):
Some of these misunderstoodconsequences of trauma confused
me and I thought that there wassomething wrong with me or that
I just wasn't as smart as otherpeople.
So things like not being ableto put together a puzzle was

(30:56):
super, super embarrassing to me,and I don't doubt that other
PTSD patients don't understandwhy some of that practical stuff
that they can't do, why theycan't do it, especially when
everybody else can't seeminglycan.
But we will talk about that atmore at length, about how it
causes physical damage to thebrain.
I've called this episode Lostwith Directions because perhaps
the most frustrating place thatI struggle with, this physical
damage to my healing brain, is acomplete lack of a sense of

(31:18):
direction.
It's probably true that I wasnot born with the best keen of
sense of direction, but I knowthat trauma caused this, because
I get lost now far fewer timesthan I did early in my diagnosis
.
But still, if we're out andabout just a heads up to those
of you in my daily life, if youtell me to turn north and there

(31:40):
isn't an ocean around, I'm goingto be really confused, unless
it's sunrise or sunset, you mayas well give me a quantum
physics problem, because Ireally struggle with sense of
direction.
And so, as I thought about thebeginning of telling you my
story, I understand that theplace that makes the most sense
to tell you my story is thebeginning.
But remember, we're talkingabout 35 years of trauma and the

(32:03):
rumor has it that I'm writing abook, and so I can't tell you
everything.
But I wanted to start at the daywhere I will draw a line
forever, at the day where Istarted on the journey, and
that's what today is about isthe journey of the diagnosis of
PTSD, because I was living mylife with some of the things

(32:23):
that I just explained to you,like putting together a puzzle
and get lost.
I was living my life under thisincredible self-pressure that I
just needed to get over it.
You know, I would throw Bibleverses at myself, put my hand to
the plow and, looking back, notfit for the kingdom of God, all
of those things, and I did notunderstand that PTSD even

(32:43):
existed.
And so perhaps the mostfrustrating place that I
struggled with it back then, andeven now, is that I always get
lost.
I can't read a map.
If you hand me a map on a phone, I'm going to hand it back to
you, and we're all going to hopethat we get to wherever it is
we're going, but I get lost.
And so, as I was thinking aboutwhere to tell you the story, I
was thinking of a time when Iwas so terrified that I was

(33:08):
going to get lost, because itwas a day that would have
invoked tears for most people,because it was a bad day for me.
But regardless of all thatemotional pain, I could not shed
a tear, and I think about thatoften why I couldn't cry in
those days, and that's also ahallmark symptom of PTSD is just
not being able to cry.
And here's why you can't cry,because cheetahs can't run and

(33:33):
cry at the same time.
And I was running for my life.
That cheetah life was one thatI was living, but none of it was
without consequence.
So the day that I sat at thelight at the intersection of
McMullen, booth and Drew, Inoticed this big giant building
on the corner of thatintersection.
I could tell it was a churchand I wanted nothing to do with

(33:57):
it.
I actually diverted my eyes.
I had no interest in God orchurch.
I didn't want to be responsiblefor knowing that that church
was there because I knew that Icould find help there, and at
that moment I didn't want help.
I had been living that cheetahlife and I have still to this
day, some pretty strong runninglungs, as I did then.
But running taught me nothing,teaches us nothing about coping

(34:19):
and resting, and so I couldn'tdo either one of those things.
Running in those days served abit of an analgesic to me.
So we sat at that light and Iglanced down at my gear shift
and grabbed the 16 16 ouncebottle of narcotic pain medicine
that I had secured.
Before leaving St Augustine, Itook a swig of that what I later
would dub as liquid gold.

(34:40):
I neither had a cough I didn'thave a cold, but my pain was
inexplicable.
And that liquid gold made itall more tolerable.
I was only just a couple blocksfrom my new apartment so I
wasn't worried about gettingthere.
I let that medicine just kindof coat my throat and, really,
like it, literally just hit me,and so some of that emotional
pain just kind of got dulled.

(35:02):
And I glanced down as I wasturning that corner, at the
printed MapQuest directions onthe passenger seat of my car and
I found very, very littlecomfort in those step-by-step
directions, didn't trust them,even though they were right
there.
And those of you that rememberthe old MapQuest directions
before GPS was constantlytelling us where to go.
That's how we found things.

(35:23):
But I didn't trust thosedirections, even though they
were sitting right next to me.
Instead, I focused on theU-Haul that was in front of me.
In that U-Haul representedeverything I owned.
It was a snapshot of 35 yearsof my life.
My brother-in-law was drivingthat U-Haul.
He and my sister had justhelped me move down my marital
home.
That home had been filled withviolence for 12 years, for

(35:45):
reasons that I can't explain.
I really can't.
Somehow, I found the courage tofinally leave that environment,
and, even though I was fairlyconfident that I was meant to
live this life in constant pain,I knew that I needed to get out
of that.
That's the thing, see.
When you're living this PTSDcheetah life, one day it catches

(36:06):
up with you, and leaving thatmarriage was just one of the
examples of that.
I wouldn't have survived itmuch longer.
As I followed closely behindthat U-Haul, I got a glimpse,
though, of that big building onthe corner, even though I didn't
want to, and it said CalvaryBaptist Church for Life's
Journey.
About that time, though, themedicine was kicking in.
I seriously don't remember muchabout moving myself into that

(36:27):
750 foot square foot apartmentthat I would later dub as the
ghetto.
It was a far cry from the housethat I left.
That was just three blocks fromthe Atlantic Ocean.
At some point, I must havetaken some more swigs from that
bottle, because I don't remembermy sister and brother-in-law
leaving that day, and I sleptfor 14 hours.
I woke up in the apartment thenext day to double-digit text

(36:48):
messages from my friends and myfamily as I tried to get settled
into that apartment.
Over the days and weeks thatwould follow, the monsters of
post-traumatic stress disordermanifested themselves in epic
proportions.
I continued to self-medicatemyself to sleep, basically, and
that is something very anotherhallmark of PTSD is
self-medication, isolation,those kinds of things, and I was

(37:10):
doing all of that.
I didn't know a soul, eventhough I went to college in
Clearwater.
All my friends had moved as Iunpacked my stuff.
I unpacked four or five Biblesand at least that many Bible
studies that I had taught overthe years.
Yet I was still just as lost,just like I was that day in the
car, like those directions weresitting right next to me.
I could trust them, they camefrom a trusted source, but I

(37:33):
could not get my direction fromthem.
I was so lost.
And that day in my apartment, Iwas so lost, even though I had
direction by way of four or fiveBibles and, like I said, at
least that many Bible studiesthat I had taught.
I was just lost with, eventhough I had direction.
I knew that I needed directionthat breathed air by way of

(37:53):
human beings, because we werenot designed as I think many of
us are finding now, in this timewhen I'm recording this, in
this epidemic where we're all athome.
We're not built to stay at home.
We're not built to do lifewithout people, and I knew that
I needed to do life with somepeople.
I needed to follow somebodyjust like I did, george, in that
U-Haul that day, that I couldsee and that I could touch.

(38:15):
Printed directions were nothelping me.
So one day I just Googled thename of that church and found
that they were actually having aBible study that night.
It was ironically a Wednesdaynight, so I showed up to that
Bible study.
I did not know a single soul.
Here's where decisions, guys,make a difference in everything.
That night changed everythingfor me.

(38:36):
I met two of the principalplayers in my healing that night
at that Bible study and myfriends Chrissy and my friend
Cheryl had their very firstWednesdays with Watson.
Good things really beganhappening to me as a result of
some of the connections I madethere, one of which is I got a
job, a teaching job at thatschool, and that was just a

(38:57):
lifeline for me.
In a couple years that were tofollow the community, that came
with that one decision to attendthat Bible study was literally
a lifelong for me.
Some of those people justprovided shade and shelter for
me because I was still livingthat cheetah life.
As a result of that Bible study, I just got people and, as you

(39:19):
know, one of the C's is mycommunity.
Sometimes directions come to usdifferently and even those with
a propensity to get lost canfollow some simple directions.
Loss can follow some simpledirections, because these people
that were in my life refused togive up on me, even though none
of them had any clue that I wasliving that cheetah life.
I am so grateful to them tothis day because at that point

(39:41):
everything I knew in my life byway of directions and those
Bibles were in jeopardy.
I found myself having plenty ofmoments, like John the Baptist
had, where I almost audiblyasked God if he was real or if I
should be looking for somebodyelse.
Fortunately, these people Ikeep talking about were living
their lives in abandonment ofthe cause of Jesus Christ and
because of that I had thedirection that I so desperately

(40:03):
sought, because they reflectedJesus in their interactions with
me.
Little things like my friendCheryl, who also taught at that
school, every single day broughtme cheese and crackers like a
third grader, because I wouldn'tbring food for my for myself,
and so she bought it from thegrocery store and brought it to
me every day for me to eat.
So I was continuing to live mycheetah life, complete with

(40:25):
adrenaline dumps and nightterrors and sheer exhaustion
from the run, and I could notsleep.
I still was not opening Bibles,still wasn't looking at those
printed directions that hadproven to me to be faithful and
true.
Oftentimes I couldn't even tellyou where one of my Bibles were
.
I was still so lost.
But those people weredefinitely helping me.

(40:46):
I had my eyes on them and,right, wrong or indifferent,
they are the reason why I'mstill breathing air.
But the repercussions of thatcheetah life was bound to catch
up to me, and catch up to me itdid.
My first class of the morningthat I taught was a chemistry
class at 745.
To say that I am not a morningperson is a bit of an
understatement.

(41:06):
But that was especially truebecause my nights were filled
with terror and traumaflashbacks and if you have PTSD,
even if you've never beendiagnosed, if you've had a
flashback, you know exactly whatI'm talking about.
During the day I was operatingoff of adrenaline dumps and
caffeine, but one night I wasjust so frustrated with not
being able to sleep.
I watched as every hour clickedby and I played that same game

(41:29):
that we all played If I go tosleep now, I'll get X amount of
sleep.
And as that X number begandwindling down, I was determined
to fall asleep and so I startedtaking a Klonopin, which is
like a Xanax or a Valium, forevery time I saw that clock hit
another hour.
I had been prescribed Klonopinfor anxiety, but I was only
supposed to take one of them,but every time I saw that clock

(41:51):
hit an hour, I took a Klonopin.
And by the time I got up totake a shower, to go to the work
the next day I had taken nineKlonopin and slept zero hours.
That next day I taught my longstretch of those six classes in
a row and again, for reasonsthat I can't explain to you,
during my break period I wentdown, started talking to my
assistant principal, who is aman that I really respected and

(42:13):
had a lot of just admiration forand just loved his job and
loved us, and so I told him whathappened and he just looked at
me gently and asked me if Icould teach my next class.
And when I told him that Icould, he said come back and see
me after you get done with theclass.
And so I didn't think muchabout that and I went back up
and taught my seventh class androamed back in his office and

(42:35):
when I did, my friend Cheryl wasthere and she looked upset and
I can't be sure Maybe she cananswer this for you one day but
I was pretty sure she had beencrying.
But we were going for a ride.
Apparently Aaron and Cheryl hadinvestigated where they could
take me to get help and a fewhours later I found myself in
the emergency room with Cherylwhere I would admit myself to
the psych ward and finally stoprunning.

(42:57):
I could not cry.
I wasn't scared.
I was somewhat grateful thatsomeone else had taken the
responsibility to take care ofme.
As all the paperwork got ready.
I continued to communicate withmy friends on text message.
Still was fine.
Still wasn't scared.
Communicate with my friends ontext message Still was fine.
Still wasn't scared.
As they got me ready to admit,admit me.
And as soon as I realized thatthe door was going to lock when

(43:17):
they did, I started to get alittle bit scared.
But then the last thing theydid was take my phone and my
cheetah life was officially over.
At least for that moment it wasover.
I sobbed because they took myphone.
They took away the onlydirection that I had been living
the last two years on.
That door closed behind Cheryland it locked.

(43:38):
As it slammed shut, and thatlocked door alone caused
childhood flashbacks.
But in short order they had memedicated and I fell asleep in
the clothes that I wore to workthat day.
That night the cheetah in mejust stopped and it's still
still, to this day, one of thebest nights of sleep I've ever
had.
The days that were come weresome of the hardest of my life,
and it landed me at the feet ofJesus, who I understood was not

(44:00):
unfamiliar with my sufferings,and because there was nothing
else to distract me, I found aBible in the psych ward.
It was the first day of therest of my life.
The cheetah retired that dayand I can't wait to tell you the
rest of the story.

Speaker 1 (44:16):
I will love you, for you, I will give you the love,
the love that you never knew,hey everybody and welcome back

(44:37):
to Wednesdays with Watson.

Speaker 2 (44:38):
My name is Amy Watson , I am your host, and I am so
grateful that you have returnedto spend some time with us.
Today.
We've named this first seasonof our podcast, ptsd, jesus and
Me, and I oftentimes just reallyfeel the need to tell you guys
that, because these things areso important and the end of my

(45:00):
story, which is really youhearing my voice right now and
hearing what the Lord has donein my life and healing of
complex post-traumatic stressdisorder.
Certainly, though, that wouldnot be possible without what I
have dubbed as the three C's andthe star of my story and my
church, obviously, and my faithin Jesus, my community and also

(45:23):
trauma-informed counseling, andso I will never apologize about
saying that every single week,because it is absolutely
impossible to tell a story,fiction or non, without telling
you about the hero, andcertainly, while God provided
many heroes along the way by wayof community, he absolutely is
the star of my story.
This podcast has already beenso rewarding and so interesting

(45:47):
to me.
It is a hybrid of my tellingyou the story of my journey of
being diagnosed withpost-traumatic stress disorder,
but it is told in story form and, while you don't need to have
listened to the podcast beforeit.
It might be good for you to goback and listen to those, but
it's not necessary because I amintegrating, telling you my

(46:11):
story and my journey of thediagnosis and treatment of PTSD,
along with some science of PTSDto help you understand this
phenomenon that is really waymore common than I think any of
us know.
One of the most popularquestions that I continue to
receive from the podcast isreally asked in various forms.

(46:37):
But really the question is thesame is how do I know if I have
PTSD?
Am not a doctor, I almost havea minor in psychology from
college, but all I can tell youis about my journey.
But I will tell you that ifyou're asking me if you have

(46:58):
PTSD, I think my answer to youat that point is inconsequential
because clearly there's areason why you're asking that
question.
So, by way of talking a littlebit before we pick up where we
left off as a cliffhanger I'msure most of you love me for
that Do.
Some people experience the sametrauma and have zero effect, and

(47:32):
some people can see orexperience that same trauma and
be heavily affected, many timesin the form of a diagnosis of
post-traumatic stress disorderand it really depends on who you
ask, and certainly there is aplace, a prominent place, for
biblical counseling.
When we talk about PTSD andthat school of thought many

(47:56):
times and I don't think it's awrong one and understand that
could be anything fromwitnessing a car accident to
being in a car accident, tobeing in war, to being on the
front lines in a hospital.

(48:16):
Many, many different things cancause trauma when our
perception is that we are notsafe or that we physically are
not safe or that we seesomething.
Many people that survived 9-11clearly suffered from PTSD
because of the atrocities theysaw on that day.
But oftentimes trauma affects usin many different ways.

(48:40):
Physiologically, we're alldifferent.
Certainly the lens in which weview things, view things that
come into our lives, experiencesthat we have had going into
seeing that all are going tocolor what affects us.
But the fact of the matter isis that if you're asking me that
question, my answer to you isboth largely uneducated and

(49:01):
inconsequential, because itmeans you're hurting and it does
mean that there's somethingjumping up and down that needs
to be addressed.
While we're talking aboutquestions coming in to me on the
podcast, there are a coupleways you can do that and I will
list those at the end of thepodcast, which includes all of
my social media platforms inaddition to my website.

(49:24):
But I'd like to pick up fromwhen we last spent time together
.
When we last spent timetogether, I left off telling
this story about how my friendCheryl had taken me to the
emergency room.
I checked myself in to beadmitted to the psych ward and
when I left you last, cheryl hadleft me behind those locked
doors and that psych ward.

(49:46):
But before I pick up on thatstory, I want to back up a bit
because it is my desire,obviously for this podcast, for
you to know the whole story andfor you to get a front row seat
to the healing that has beendescribed to me by more than one
person.
Amy, the healing that we'veseen you, just since we've known

(50:07):
you, the healing that we seeGod has performed in your life,
really is akin to someonebeating stage four cancer, and
so that is not something thatI've ever taken lightly, and I
do understand that.
I am recording this podcasttoday because of so many things
that happen, and so, before Ipick up behind the locked doors

(50:30):
of that psych ward, it'simportant for me to back up just
a little bit and help youunderstand why, really, we
believe that that was the timethat my body decided to give up
and that was the time that Ineeded to be in the hospital,
and so I mentioned to you bothChrissy and Cheryl, both of whom
I met at a Bible study afterleaving my marriage that was

(50:55):
filled with violence for 12years.
Chrissy was one of those people, and many of you listening to
this podcast know who Chrissy is, and many times will hear me
refer to her as my sister,because that is, in fact, what
she is in my life, as well asher family.
But we didn't start that way.
Chrissy is perhaps one of themost shy people on the planet,

(51:18):
and so the fact that she evenreached out to me and that she
and I, when we met in Decemberof 2007 in life group, the fact
that she even went out of herway to come up to me and talk to
me about things that she knew,was important to me.
Like I remember distinctly, sheknew that I am a Jaguars fan
and y'all pray for me becauseit's a sickness actually but she

(51:42):
had looked up information aboutthe Jaguars and had actually
come to me and that life groupand had talked to me about it,
and so she and I spent we wereinseparable that following
summer, just months before thisall happened, and we did
everything together and becamevery close.
One day, we were riding downthe road and I was still living

(52:03):
in that really dark 750 squarefoot apartment that I continue
to call the ghetto, and I waslonely and it was depressing,
and I think she knew that.
And Chrissy, one day we werejust driving down the road and
she had had a conversation withher mom, who you will refer me
you often hear me refer to asMama Bootsy, but she had asked

(52:25):
her mom if she should ask me tocome live with her, and her mom
said yes, absolutely you should.
And so Chrissy went out on alimb one day.
We were driving down the roadand asked me if I would be
interested in moving in with herfor a few months and I'm
literally air quoting, andyou'll find out why that's
really funny later.
As I mentioned, she and I hadspent a lot, a lot of time

(52:47):
together after meeting at churchthat previous December.
Part of the story that will comenext, and maybe even in the
next podcast, will be fromChrissy, because there is a
perspective that she has thatshe could share with you.
For those of you who arelistening to this podcast,
because you love somebody withPTSD, I want you to have her

(53:10):
take on this part of the story,and so but since it's my story,
I get to go first.
When I responded in theaffirmative that I would love to
move in with her for a couplemonths to save money, I even
surprised myself.
I thought she was going todrive off the road, though, and
she will tell you to this daythat she was terrified of asking
me to come live with her.
I guess, maybe I'm I don't know, guys I guess I kind of give

(53:33):
off a Miss Independent vibe, ormaybe I did then, but either way
, she was pretty scared to askme, and I don't know why.
I don't think I'm scary at all,maybe I was.
Then, anyway, she and Inegotiated rent because I
refused to let her give meanything.
After all, I have beensupporting myself since I was
around seven, with the exceptionof the time that I was in the

(53:55):
children's home.
I have worked, and if I ate itwas because I worked.
If I had shelter over my head,it was because I worked, and so
I wasn't going to let her giveme anything.
When I said that to her, though, she used some skill and she
told me that if I would go tocounseling and use the money for
counseling, that I could livewith her without paying rent.
I was not, and had never beenup until that point, opposed to

(54:17):
counseling.
I just really failed to find agood one.
The best one that I knew was,and is, one of my closest
friends, dr Krista Witt, and shewas certainly too close to the
situation, and I wasn't beinghonest with her because I knew
that you know she would take meexactly where I was ending up on
that day.
But I took Chrissy up on thatand had my first appointment

(54:40):
with Dr Pettit right after Imoved in with her.
Chrissy trusted Dr Pettit andso I trusted him, him and really
like when you guys continue tohear parts of my story, you will
understand that conventionalwisdom would have told me and
everybody who was advising menot to have a male counselor.
But when I walked in his officeI trusted him from the first

(55:04):
time I saw him.
He is a calm and gentle man andalso he's a Christian counselor
and he counsels from aChristian and a biblical
worldview.
But his office also felt safeto flesh out anger that maybe
didn't fit in the Bible andmaybe someone needed to be angry
with God, and so his officefelt safe.

(55:27):
I had never felt judged, alwaysended up somehow back at Jesus.
Some of the most recentresearch indicates to us that
people with a worldview that isbigger than we are and so for me
that is certainly God and formany of you it's the same but
people with a lens in which theycan view trauma from a higher

(55:53):
power or God, the recovery doesappear to be higher and faster,
and so I had great hope when Iwas in his office because I felt
like his office was a placewhere we could do both.
I could be honest and be angryand be confused about God and
still find some healing.
I certainly didn't know, though, most of this on that very

(56:14):
first visit, but I can 100%attest to that now.
But when I look back at thatfirst visit it does give me an
opportunity to talk to you alittle bit about two very
important components ofpost-traumatic stress disorder.
The first time that I walked inhis office was stress disorder.
The first time that I walked inhis office was I had been

(56:35):
teaching all day, drove fromClearwater to St Pete and if you
listened to my last podcastthis won't surprise you.
I got lost.
For those of you who know thedrive from Clearwater to St Pete
, it's one road.
Pretty difficult to get lost,but I did.
But I finally arrived at hisoffice and I sat down and told
him 35 years of trauma from thefirst traumatic event that I
have memory of when I was sevenyears old was this childhood

(56:58):
sexual abuse to the last punchfrom my ex-husband when I was 35
.
I told him those stories like Iwas giving him directions to
the bank.
Zero emotion, all the name itclaim it stuff in there.
He and I remember that firstappointment exactly the same.
I was smiling, I was upbeat.
I told him the story like I'mtelling it to you, maybe even in

(57:22):
some creative storytellinglanguage, but I essentially told
him with zero emotion.
I quoted my favorite name itclaim it stuff.
I threw in my favorite verse,philippians 1.12.
I told him it was worth it allto me if somebody could get help
, that I really wanted God touse it, and certainly that's

(57:42):
still true today.
But he and I remember thatvisit when I sat down and just
literally told him thisremarkable body of trauma,
without a single tear andwithout a single part of emotion
.
Many, many times when peoplewould ask me how I was doing and
some people who were in my lifeat that time would laugh when

(58:05):
they hear this, but I was askedhow I was doing, including when
Dr Pettit asked me how I wasdoing, my standard answer was
it's all good, and that was myanswer.
But what happened in his officethat day was a phenomenon that
is very familiar and arehallmarks for PTSD, and in some
ways both of these areinterchangeable detachment

(58:27):
versus disassociation.
And so, in form of detachment,I was telling Dr Pettit the
story as though it happened tosomebody else and not as though
it happened to me, and thedisassociation part is also a
little bit of that, but it'salso some of it I've left out, I
forgot and I've rememberedthose things as I've healed.

(58:48):
That disassociation part hascertainly gotten better and so I
had my appointment and droveback.
I had already moved intoChrissy's by then.
He told me that he would see mein a week.
I was so happy to be out of thatdark apartment.
Chrissy was super, super nice,had plenty of space for me, I
was comfortable at her house.

(59:09):
But I had this really, reallyunfamiliar feeling.
And it wasn't a bad feeling andI didn't want to medicate it,
but it was a confusing feeling.
It was a warm feeling, it was afuzzy feeling.
It was almost a feeling likeyou feel like when somebody
gives you a big hug that youwant.
You guys remember hugs during apandemic.

(59:30):
Anybody remember hugs.
That's what it felt like.
Later I would find out thatthat feeling was safety.
I was safe for the first timesince leaving the children's
home.
Although I'm not sure that Iwould have been able to identify
it at that time, I hadexperienced what that feeling
was.
In fact, I know I couldn't haveidentified it at that time.

(59:53):
I had experienced a lot of painand really tried to process some
of the pain in that darkapartment, and so many of those
nights and even days had beenfilled with such terror and
attempts to soothe that terrorwith medicine all the time.
And that medicine, albeitprescribed, I just didn't follow

(01:00:17):
the directions.
There's an old saying if youhave a problem with addiction
and whether my addiction wastemporary to deal with temporary
pain, or whether it's alegitimate addiction is
inconsequential.
But there's an old saying whenyou're trying to self-medicate,
which is absolutely a hallmarkof a PTSD patient, one pill is
too many and 10,000 is notenough.
And so, even while at Chrissy'sbecause I felt safe, everything

(01:00:38):
got worse.
The night terrors got worse,the lack of sleep got worse, all
of it got worse.
The pain was real and I wasjust trying to take as much
medicine as I could.
I was very comfortable there,but, like I said, the nights
just got worse and worse andworse and worse.
This confused me because Ididn't understand, but it is a

(01:00:58):
fairly understood phenomenon.
Now I was safe and so, for thefirst time in a long time, my
body decided I'm done.
And that led to the night whenI took those non-clonopin to
sleep.
I would find out later that DrPettit did not expect to see me
at a next appointment.
He fully expected the phonecall that he received from the

(01:01:21):
hospital.
As I mentioned, that first nightin the hospital was the best
sleep that maybe I've ever hadsince.
When I woke up, though, theperson in the bed beside me was
different from the night before.
The night before there was anelderly lady there with dementia
, but this person was different.
I will never forget Stacy.
She didn't need to tell me whyshe was there, though the

(01:01:42):
bandages that covered herforearms both of them told the
story for her.
That made me sad, and she wasangry that she was there and
apparently had arrived in themiddle of the night, but I was
just stunned as I stared at herforearms, where she had tried to
take her life the night beforeand had barely made it to the

(01:02:04):
hospital in time.
I was looking forward to thevisitation times.
There were two of them, one inthe morning and one in the
evening.
Almost all of my friends had towork, but Chrissy had a job
with some flexibility, and shewas there every single time that
she was allowed to be.
I do want to stop right herefor a second, because when I

(01:02:24):
look back on this day and maybeyou can hear the emotion in my
voice, because it's a precious,it was a precious time, but I
want to stop right here and prayfor any of you.
Under the sound of my voice,you find yourself where I was.
I beg God that you have aCheryl.
I beg God that you have aChrissy, I beg God that you have

(01:02:46):
a Chris DeWitt in your life and, honestly, those are just three
people that I will introduceand so many more that are part
of my story.
I beg God that you wouldunderstand that I had all three
well, two of them in my lifebecause of that one decision to
go to that Bible study, becausethat one time, that one time,
god really gave me the strengthto not isolate.

(01:03:07):
That one time, god really gaveme the strength to not isolate
that one night.
Isolation is such a hallmark ofPTSD.
All I had to do was make thatdecision that one time, and even
though I was traumatized, boydid I ever, ever, ever reap the
benefits from that one decision.

(01:03:28):
And so, even though we aretraumatized and we have every
reason to make bad decisionswhen we have post-traumatic
stress disorder.
We are going to be a product ofthe consequences of the
decisions we made Two decisionsone of them I was helped to make
, the other one I wasn't but togo to counseling.
But, more importantly, that onetime not to isolate meant

(01:03:50):
everything, and it meant thatChrissy was my very first
visitor in the psych ward thatday, and she asked me what she
could bring me, and I asked fortwo things I asked for my
pajamas and I asked for my Bibleand those of you that know me
know that the pajamas aren't asurprise, but those of you that

(01:04:10):
listened to my last podcast knowthat I hadn't picked up a Bible
in a while.
I paced the floors that morningwaiting for visitation time.
Food came and I just stared atit, didn't drink my coffee.
I couldn't wait to see Chrissy.
I was terrified.
I saw and heard things therethat I still can't forget.
I remember a distinct feeling offreedom, though it truly did

(01:04:34):
not matter who expected me to dowhat, where or what speed.
Every single aspect of my lifeor the expectation of my life
were in the hands of the doctorswho had diagnosed me with the
most severe form of PTSD, stillcurrently on the books.
I was truly shocked.
I was sure that waiting it out,getting up every time I got

(01:04:55):
punched, I was convinced that myefforts would lead to a brain
not tormented by trauma.
I use this word trauma a lot.
In some ways, it's importantthat I remember it even today,
because it was doing a number onme for sure.
It took me a long time tounderstand, to let myself off of
that hook that I kept puttingmyself on.

(01:05:18):
This, swallow your pride, getbetter, get up.
I was throwing the ownChristian cliches at me, as I
mentioned before the verses Many, many times I put my hands to
the plow and attempted to dosomething else and didn't look
back.
It didn't feel like I wasinheriting the kingdom of God.
Though Chrissy got there.
I was sad to see her leave thatmorning, but that night she

(01:05:42):
returned along with a bunch ofpeople.
I was only allowed two visitorsat a time.
About ten of them would show upand they had to come see me in
shifts.
Stacey and I hung out togetheralong with some of the other
patients that were in for thesame reasons as us PTSD, anxiety
and depression.
One of the reasons why it wasso scary was because the

(01:06:03):
hospital was doing construction,and so they had combined
patients with anxiety anddepression with some patients
who had more severe disordersthat often required outbursts
that were scary and lots ofwitness scenes of shots of
Haldol, and so it was terrifying.
So this group of us that werein this anxiety, depression,

(01:06:27):
ptsd hung together, and soStacey and I were in that group.
Oddly, I wanted to write and sowhen I asked for a pencil, they
gave me this.
It still makes me laugh.
They gave me this dull pencilthat was about an inch long.
It still makes me laugh.
They gave me this dull pencilthat was about an inch long.
It's not at all funny, but Iremember trying to write with
that pencil.
It was hilarious.

(01:06:48):
Stacy scooted her chair besideme and asked me what I was doing
and I told her I was justjournaling.
She pointed to my Bible and shesaid does that help you?
She asked me and I looked upand I knew it was a moment and,
regardless of how broken I felt,how mad I was at God, how

(01:07:09):
confused I was, I knew it was amoment.
So I talked to her about Godand our stories and I kept
watching her.
She kept looking down at myBible and she kept it like it
was going to give her somethingthat she needed.
It was the Bible that I boughtwhen I fled my marriage.
It was pretty special to me.
She asked me how to read theBible, and, of course, I hadn't

(01:07:31):
read mine in a while.
Suddenly, the teacher in me cameout, though, and so I shared
with her the birthday verse idea.
I don't know where I got thebirthday verse idea.
I was sharing it with somebodyrecently and I couldn't remember
who to give credit to.
I guess it's possible that Imade it up, but, for example,
your birthday verse is yourbirthday month and your birthday

(01:07:54):
.
So my birthday is December 1st,and so my birthday verse that I
picked is Romans 12.1.
So you go through the entireBible and you look up the month
and the day and you pick theverse that works for you, and so
I said to Stacy hey, what'syour birthday?
She said my birthday is onHalloween.
I said, okay, well, let's startin Matthew 10.31.

(01:08:15):
So I opened my Bible to Matthew10.31.
And here's the verse that Godgave Stacey and me Do not be
afraid, you are worth more thanmany sparrows.
Stacey told me that she wantedto believe, that she would make

(01:08:37):
eye contact with me, but lookeddown and played with the frayed
parts on her bandages on herwrists.
I could tell you this I was wayin over my head because I
wasn't even sure I believed herbirthday verse.
We were both terrified.
Neither of us believed we werevaluable.
I still fully, though,understood the gravity of that
moment.
I told her what I could abouthow much I loved Jesus, in spite

(01:09:02):
of the fact that I was sittingin the psych ward after taking
too much medicine to sleep.
She asked me if I was trying tokill myself, and, with a clear
conscience, I told her I wasn't.
But I also told her that Iwasn't a super fan of staying on
the planet either, but that Iunderstood that Jesus could walk
me there.
I told Stacy that I struggledunderstanding that I was

(01:09:25):
valuable to him, more valuablethan a little old bird that he
loves.
I watched a sparrow just thismorning on my porch and I was
reminded of this again, how muchhe loves the sparrows.
I told her.
I said I don't understand,stacy, how I'm valuable, how all
these things happen, but I knowyou're valuable and I know I'm
valuable and we don't have to beafraid.

(01:09:48):
I told her I plan to keepfighting.
I really wanted to tell herthat I was fighting because I
believed I was worth something.
But while I believed that versein my head, I could not make
that truth stay in my head.
I told her I was going to fight.
I was going to fight for thepeople that love me, and maybe
somewhere along the way I couldfight for myself too.
And I told her if you need tofight for somebody else right

(01:10:12):
now, you fight for them.
You'll fight for you at somepoint One day.
We'll both realize how valuablewe are.
I told her I was borrowing thefaith of my friends because I
was having a hard time findingmy own, but I knew it was there.
I told her that my faith wasn'tweak because I was in the same
place as she was in the psychward, but that God's promises

(01:10:34):
were strong.
The reality is, I had beatmyself up plenty of times and I
felt weak.
I didn't feel valuable.
As I continue to mention, Ipreached Bible verses to myself,
so often misused in these cases.
I was tired of putting my handto the plow.
I was tired of working hard toforget and move on, only to have
one more burden placed on me.

(01:10:54):
I needed to look back, andsitting in that psych ward
forced me to do that.
I told her that both of uscould work on understanding and
accepting our value and givingsome respect to the pain that
landed us in that hospital.
The deepest part of me then, andespecially now, believes that I
am valuable, but I have to bereminded it is where I get

(01:11:17):
attacked.
The place that exhibits a selfand behavior that results in not
taking care of myself.
Attacked.
The place that exhibits a selfand behavior that results in not
taking care of myself, noteating just all kinds of stuff
that I just have to do every day.
That's, for some of you, asecond nature.
She asked me if she could havethat Bible and when she got out
of the hospital three daysbefore I did, she took it with
her.
I continued to think aboutStacy and her birthday verse and

(01:11:39):
the promise written there, eventhough it felt like I was
talking to thin air.
I threw out some words to God,asking him to give me the will
to live.
I did not have it.
I also believe the beautifuldescriptions of heaven and even
now envisioning arriving inheaven and getting this big,
giant welcome hug from Jesus, socomforting to me.

(01:11:59):
Welcome hug from Jesus, socomforting to me.
I was then, and in some cases amnow, so tired and weary from
the constant bouts and thatboxing ring that just kept
layering trauma atop of trauma.
Every day we would all line upat the door of the doctors as
they came on the psych ward andwe all hoped that that day would
be the day they would releaseus.

(01:12:19):
Day after day, they would tellme one more day, and then that
day came and I was still there.
Chrissy came every time shecould, and so did others.
It was hard not to see theconcern in all of their faces,
but it seems like, and it seemedlike there was something that
they weren't telling me.
Finally, after five days,chrissy told me to eat at

(01:12:40):
mealtimes and maybe they wouldlet me go home.
I had continued to spend dayspushing the food around on my
plate, leaving it right where Ifound it.
I started attempting to eat andor got good at hiding it, and
finally they let me out of thehospital.
I walked out the doors of thehospital and across the street
was the Pinellas CountyCourthouse, and on on the way

(01:13:02):
home, I found out what they werenot telling me.
While I was in the hospital, myex-husband sent a series of
emails with threats to kill mein some of the most graphic ways
you can imagine, and whatevercommunication God and I were
having over that whole valuething was gone, because I simply
could not understand why hecould not give me a break.

(01:13:22):
I was done.
I went home with a stack ofmedication and I plan to use it
too.
Hey guys, it's me again and weare still in 2024.
Thank you for listening to thesethrowback episodes of the

(01:13:44):
Wednesdays with Watson podcast.
We would love it.
If you subscribe to the podcast, you can do that right there in
your app, wherever you are.
You can follow as a checkmarkat the top right-hand corner of
Apple Podcasts and then justright in other apps, you can
just follow or subscribe andhelp the show grow.
As we go into September, we willbe having new content, as I

(01:14:05):
mentioned at the beginning ofthe show, and a new format as
well, as I get closer tofinishing my doctorate degree.
One more thing by means ofhousekeeping, if you are so
inclined, the Patreon link is inthe show notes, and so if you
want to support what we're doinghere, which is to help people
who cannot afford counseling.
Please just click on that linkand you can support us for as

(01:14:27):
low as $5 a month, as many of mylisteners do.
And so until two weeks from now, when we bring you some more
throwback episodes, I want youto remember what I always say,
and I never leave a microphonewithout it you are seen, you are
known, you are heard, you areloved and you are so, so valued.
And ask yourself today, can youanswer the question in the

(01:14:50):
affirmative, just like I can?
Has he been faithful for all ofyour life?

Speaker 1 (01:15:16):
And she says Tell me what love, what love really
means, what love really means.
He's waiting to die, as he sitsall alone.
He's a man in a cell whoregrets what he's done.

(01:15:39):
He utters a cry from the depthsof his soul oh Lord, forgive me
, I want to go home.
Then he heard a voice somewheredeep inside and it said I know

(01:16:04):
you've murdered and I knowyou've lied, and I have watched
you suffer all of your life, allof your life.
And now that you're older still, I'll tell you that I, I will

(01:16:32):
love you for you, not for whatyou have done or what you will
become.
I will love you for you.
I will give you the love, thelove that you never knew.
Love you for you, not for whatyou have done or what you will

(01:17:00):
become.
I will love you the love, thelove that you never knew.
Thank you.