EP00: Why This Podcast Is The Thing I Couldn't Not Do

On a kitchen floor in September of 2018, I woke up inside my adult life.  And I was not okay. 

In this premier episode, the stage is set at the lowest point I've ever been. That moment was a catalyst for the journey I would take over the next several years.

The exact words I said out loud to myself on the floor that day were, “This is not how this story ends.” I didn’t know what that would look like at the time, but what I did know is that it would begin with setting fire to everything I’d already created. 

Just because something has been true, doesn’t mean it has to stay that way. 

I dive into reflecting on the lack of emotional education in the world I grew up in and my passion for the importance of learning to express emotions, set boundaries, and seek help. I will always aim to create a platform for open discussions about mental health, recovery, and personal growth, encouraging others to take ownership of their healing journey while recognizing the value of support from others. 

After a lifetime of watching people shove things under the rug, I discovered I have an infinite hunger for talking about the truth. It’s what I’m here for.  

Let’s begin, shall we? 

Full show notes at netanyaallyson.com/episodes/00

Episode Transcript

SPEAKER_00 (00:00):
There are moments in life that split us open, quiet
unravelings, sudden breaks, ortruths we didn't know we needed
until we had no choice.
This podcast is about thosemoments.
It's about the turning pointsthat change us, the things I
wish someone had told me that Ionly understand in looking back.
Come on in.
You belong here, and we're goingto talk about all of it.

(00:22):
I'm your host, Natanya, and thisis What I Didn't Know.
Before we begin, a quick note.
This podcast explores themessuch as mental health,
addiction, trauma and recovery.
While the stories here arehonest and heartfelt, they're
not a substitute forprofessional advice, therapy or
medical treatment.

(00:43):
Please listen with care andpause anytime you need to.
Take whatever resonates for youand leave the rest.
Hi.
I'm Natanya.
I'm so happy that you're here.
And this is a project that Ihave thought of for several

(01:05):
years.
And I'm happy to be finally likeputting out into the world to
share with you.
And I hope that you getsomething out of it.
Where this begins, where we findour character was in 2018.
She was on the kitchen floor.
She was me sitting with a bottleof Jack Daniels and an Oracle
deck, asking a lot of really bigquestions, understanding that I

(01:27):
had hit a floor.
I'd hit a rock bottom and knewthat I couldn't continue
anymore.
I was a massive alcoholic.
My marriage was a shit show.
I was very dissociative andnumb.
Like in that moment, I couldn'tfeel anything.
I didn't care.
I wasn't sad.
I wasn't angry.
I wasn't anything.
I just couldn't feel anythinganymore.

(01:47):
And I had gotten to the pointwhere I was willing to finally
acknowledge that and ask somebigger questions.
And so what this is about, why Icreated this was for her, for
the girl on the floor thatdidn't know anything The only
emotion that I did have at thatpoint in time was after I had
kind of come along with therealization of where I was at
and I had started to come toterms with that and face it.

(02:10):
The one emotion that I did havewas anger.
And I was angry because thequestion that I had that I
literally spoke out to the worldwas how did no one tell me any
of this?
How did I not know anythingabout anything that I was
dealing with?
You know, and I had spent yearsin education systems.
Thank you so much for joiningus.

(02:59):
that were hard that were true.
And so I was in this state of areally big question of like, how
did I not know about any ofthis?
And so I got a little feistyabout that because it wasn't
okay.
Like we spend all this timeteaching people in America about
all of these other topics thatwhoever deemed as part of that

(03:20):
system, and yet the basis ofhuman relationships, connection,
and the relational experiencesthat we have with each other in
the workplace, in familyrelationships, friendships,
romantic dynamics.
I didn't know anything about anyof that.
And then I proceeded to spendthe next several years learning
voluntarily and investing inmyself because as much as I knew

(03:43):
and the, you know, pieces ofpaper that said I had graduated
from things and had degrees inthings wasn't all that valuable
when I found myself on thekitchen floor.
And so I decided to go dosomething about that.
So why this matters is that inmy anger that I didn't know any
of this, I laid figured out andunderstood that I didn't know
any of this because a lot of thepeople that were around me and

(04:04):
came before me, they didn't knoweither because no one showed
them because they didn't talkabout things.
And so in doing all this workand uncovering things from my
past, I had found that like mymemory of growing up was that a
lot of things were kind ofshoved under the rug or not
talked about.
And there was sort of like theoverarching thing of like, what
would the in the neighborhood,literally, or other people in

(04:31):
our family, you sort of didn'tshow the whole truth.
And you had a little bit of afacade, sometimes a big facade,
about what was actuallyhappening.
And so it leads this likeduality of who I'm showing
everybody and what's actuallyhappening behind closed doors.
And not talking about that was areally big disservice because I

(04:53):
didn't know.
And I didn't know what I didn'tknow.
And maybe you don't either.
And that's part of why I wantedto start talking about things I
think I started sort oforganically in just sharing
things on social media for myown healing.
I just started writing likeafter this experience, like
little clips of things.
Some of it was funny.
Some of it was meant to beinspirational because I wanted

(05:18):
to talk to people because nobodyhad talked to me.
And I spent a lot of time intherapy rooms and other rooms,
all sorts of paid professionalsand friends and family talking
about and learning about how totell the truth about things were
hard and understanding thatthat's okay.
And not only is it okay, I wouldencourage you to do it because

(05:42):
it's very freeing.
Of all the things that I everspeak about, one of the best
gifts I ever gave myself wastelling the truth.
And that begins with telling thetruth to yourself.
And sometimes that can be reallydifficult.
So that's why I'm here is toshare some of my own stories
that you may or may not havealready heard.

(06:02):
And to invite people, you know,some of the guests that I will
have on here are the people thatI talk to are people, they're
all people that have walked someversion of a similar road.
And it may not be the same topicor the same, you know, area, but
all of them have been throughhard things and chosen to sort
of do an about face and facethose things and step by step

(06:25):
walk through the muck of kind oflooking behind you.
Where have I been What have Igone through?
Where did I learn all of thisstuff?
Where am I at today?
And then what do I need to do tokind of unbreak those patterns
and habits that I've learned andto grow into something different
and ultimately better?
Because why that matters so muchto me is because who I am

(06:48):
impacts people, right?
Who I am, how I move throughoutthe world, the ripple effect is
very real.
I've seen it.
I've lived it.
I felt it from other people andI've seen the impact of things
that I have done or said someoneelse picking up a little piece
of something that I left andthen taking it and making it
their own and, you know,changing their own life with it,
which is just incrediblybeautiful.
I always say like one of mythings that I'm the most

(07:10):
passionate about, if there was atitle or a label or something I
could give for like why I am onthis earth, it is to help people
help themselves, right?
I can't do it for you and youdon't need me to, but what I can
do is start talking about someof the things that I don't know
that you may hear.
You know, if you're involvedlike I was in, things may be

(07:31):
happening that are difficult oruncomfortable, and you don't
know what to do with that.
And so I just wanted to starttalking to hopefully give you
permission to do the same.
I have some of these will besolo episodes where I talk to
you about things that I'mpassionate about, I'm interested
in, things that happen in mydaily life that's very much in
real time.
And some of them will be guestepisodes where I have other

(07:52):
people that I'm in conversationwith, like I said, people that
have already had their ownversions of this.
And a lot of them, some of them,the stories I know some of them
the questions I ask are becauseI genuinely want to know more
I'm so curious because what isso interesting and valuable to
me about this experience is thatthere's not a right way I think
there's there's sort of always Ialways say like all roads go to

(08:14):
Rome or all roads lead toCalifornia which is that like
you can input from anywhere youare in a GPS and take an
infinite number of roads to getthere and some are the highway
and some are a bunch of detoursand back roads and I've taken
many of all of the above and sohas everyone else that's here
but I think it's so valuable tokind of see and hear from
different people because whatI've found in my conversations

(08:36):
as I've moved throughout theworld is that I would be talking
to someone and then a week laterend up in a similar conversation
with someone else who theydidn't know each other and I'd
be like oh yeah I was justtalking about this with so and
so and sort of wishing that Icould share that or they could
hear that because they would getsomething out of it and so the
easiest way for me to do that isto record it so that is why I'm

(08:58):
here I am so excited to talk outloud in a way that I hope lands
for you and I hope that you canget something out of and apply
in your own life.
The best advice I can give whenlistening is to try to stay open
and stay curious and I willalways invite you to take what
resonates and leave the rest.

(09:19):
There will be moments that weprobably go down difficult
topics.
I encourage you to take care ofyourself in that process if
something is triggering for you.
I will talk about trauma.
I will talk about pain andthings that are hard and
wounding.
I'm a human in recovery, so Iwill also talk about recovery as
are many of the people that willbe on this podcast, though not
all of them.
And I think there's a lot ofvalue in that and just teaching

(09:40):
and talking about the way thatI've come to be moving
throughout the world as anadult.
Because essentially what it wasis I just spent many years
surviving barely and functioningand sort of checking off boxes
that I thought that was how tosucceed as an adult.
And while there's a lot that wasgood from those experiences I

(10:02):
was very reactive I wasn't likeleaning forward and leaning into
the choices that I make increating the way that I do now
and so to sort of own andacknowledge this is where I have
been this is where I have foundmyself and if you find yourself
here too I just hope that youknow that that you always have a
choice and that doesn't make iteasy it doesn't mean one of my
favorite and most passionatethings that I talk about is that

(10:24):
two things can be true at thesame time that both can be true
and one of those specific isthat everything that I have done
and I have gone through, I havebeen the one to take those steps
and make the choices and put onefoot in front of another and
make the choice that makes thechange to get myself from point
A to point 17.

(10:46):
And yes, I did that because itdoesn't make sense as does most
of my life.
But I have had to do that.
I did that on my own.
I had to make those actionablesteps and go one thing at a time
and sometimes backwards.
and sometimes forwards andsometimes to the side.
But I did that, meaning I had totake ownership of that and I had
to take full responsibility formy own life and my own choices,

(11:08):
regardless of whatever else hashappened to me.
So that is thing one.
That is true.
And big capital A.
And at the very same time, I didnot do that alone.
I have had a lot of help.
I have had a lot of guidance andmentors and kind of like I said
before, a lot of that has beenfriends and family and people
that I have trusted.
Some of that has been peoplelike sponsors in recovery.

(11:30):
So that has been paidprofessionals, therapists,
energy work.
I've done a lot of differentmodalities on purpose because I
kind of like to attack thingsfrom multiple angles because
every time I do that, I can sortof see different perspectives on
the same topic that I didn't seebefore.
And I think there's a lot ofvalue in that.
So I say that to distress thatboth things can be true.

(11:52):
In any situation, you have to bethe one to make the choice that
makes the change.
No one is coming to save you.
No one is going to do it foryou.
And even like the indecision ofwaiting or not making a choice
is still making a choice.
And all of that is up to you andwhat you do or don't choose to
do with that.
And at the same time, none of usdo anything alone.

(12:12):
And so whether it's, you know,the man you talked with the
grocery store that helps youreach things on the top shelf,
which is a regular problem thatI have, or, you know, a
therapist or healer or someonethat that takes you through like
a really, a really dark walk andhelps you come up to the other
side.
All of that, I had a lot ofsupport in.
And both things can be true.
Both parts of that same coin arenecessary in order for healing

(12:36):
to really occur.
And so that's why I'm here.
I'm here to talk to you aboutthat and to share essentially
all of the things that nobodytold me that I didn't, that I
just didn't have any concept ofand I had to go learn as an
adult.
And so I just want to share withyou what I didn't know.
As always, I hope that you takewhat resonates and leave the
rest.
We'll see you soon.