October 10, 2025 • 8 mins
"I kept the blinds down all the time... it was a metaphor for my whole life."
Today’s episode introduces a new type of segment—shorter messages from me to you—straight From The Heart. These are spontaneous and will drop randomly, whenever the inspiration strikes and my heart is being tugged on by something that needs to be shared. Think of them as surprise bonus episodes!
These are the episodes that simply have to be made.
First up is an essential contemplation for anyone who assumes they have to go it alone. In this episode I share some of my own experience with isolation and ask you to reconsider your assumptions about seeking help.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
SPEAKER_00 (00:00):
There are moments in life that split us open.
(00:02):
By unraveling such breaks ortruths, we don't need it.
Until we had no choice.
This podcast is about thosemoments.
It's about the turning pointsthat change us, the things I
wish someone had told me that Ionly understand and looking
back.
Come on in, you belong here, andwe're gonna talk about all of
it.
I'm your host, Natanya, and thisis what I didn't know.
(00:29):
Before we begin, a quick note.
This podcast explores themessuch as mental health,
addiction, trauma, and recovery.
While the stories here arehonest and heartfelt, they're
not a substitute forprofessional advice, therapy, or
medical treatment.
Please listen with care andpause anytime you need to.
Take whatever resonates for youand leave the rest.
(00:51):
Every so often I sit down torecord something just for you.
A short reflection, no script,no guest.
It's where I share what I'vebeen thinking about lately,
straight from the heart.
So I was talking to a friendtoday, and we were talking about
loneliness.
And I was it reminded me of atime in my life when I really
(01:17):
didn't I didn't want to letanybody in ever.
And this is several years ago,and I I was so isolated, and I
think sometimes when you don'tfeel good and things are hard,
and I was in a very dark placethat I didn't want anyone to see
(01:38):
that.
And and quite literally, thehouse that I lived in, we kept
the blinds down all the time onlike the main floors that nobody
could see in.
And it was kind of it wasn'tlike dark, dark in there, but it
was just darker because of that.
And I thought about that oftenabout how much it it was, it's
(01:58):
literal, but it's a metaphor forfor my whole life at that point
in time when I didn't wanna, Ididn't want to show any of the
things that I was going throughthat were difficult.
And even to the point when I canremember going to the grocery
store particularly was a painfulexperience for me because I was
constantly on edge that I mightrun into somebody that I know.
(02:22):
And when you don't feel good,even questions like, hi, how are
you, can, you know, set you onedge because my answer was the
true answer was, well, Ioscillate between either wanting
to sob or set things on fire.
How are you?
You know, that's that was thetruth.
But I, you know, you're sort ofsaying platitudes and being kind
(02:44):
and moving on and like I wouldduck, I would duck duck around
the corner and hide because Ididn't I didn't want to face any
of it and I didn't want to see,I didn't want people to see me.
And what was interesting is Ican also remember, you know,
several years later, after I hadsort of done an about face and
(03:06):
gone and looked in my lifedirectly and dealt with things,
walked through things that werehard, had hard conversations,
faced things, forgiveness, allof that.
And I had moved to Colorado.
And in Colorado, I lived in asmall town.
And small towns are you youcan't avoid running into people
(03:26):
no matter how hard you try,because the guy that, you know,
works at your bank also worksout at the same gym that you
work out at, and then has a sidehustle as a waiter at your
favorite restaurant on aweekend.
Like you you run into peopleeverywhere because you just
cross paths.
And so I had gotten to a placewhere I remember being in a
(03:47):
grocery store one day and I raninto somebody that I knew and
chit-chatted for a little bitand then sort of had a moment
afterwards where I I realizedhow far I had come.
You know, sometimes when you'remaking small incremental
changes, it's I call itmeasuring backwards.
We forget to look behind us tosee how far we've come.
And when you still have gold infront of you, you can be forever
(04:10):
chasing the I'm not there yetinstead of looking at how far
you've come.
And especially when it's smalland over time, you don't really
realize how much how differentyour life can be.
And so it it was just I had amoment I remember in a grocery
store and I realized like thisis this used to be a really
painful thing for me, and it'snot anymore.
(04:30):
And it's not because I madedifferent choices and changes to
my life.
And one of those things wasletting people in.
We don't realize sometimes, youknow, there's a million reasons
why we don't want to let peoplein.
You know, first off, you thinkthat they don't care.
Even if you do think they mightcare, then you think that they
(04:51):
don't understand.
And sometimes it's becausethey're having a, you know, hard
time with things and you don'twant to bur burden them with
your problems.
There's a million reasons.
But I just looking back,realized how much I had shut
people out for a long time.
I didn't I wouldn't even giveanyone the opportunity to maybe
help me by telling themanything.
(05:11):
They didn't even know anything.
And it's one of the things thatI I don't have very many regrets
about really anything in mylife.
And I'm I'm very comfortablesaying that.
But one of the things I sort of,in hindsight, if I could have
done something differently or ifI would have nudged myself in
anything, it would be to maybenot make so many assumptions
(05:34):
that letting people in would beso difficult or that they
wouldn't understand or wouldn'tcare or wouldn't want to help
me.
Because as it turns out, a lotof people cared.
And I have many people in mylife now that love me and help
me in many different ways.
But a lot of that the change hadto come from within me.
(05:54):
And if you think of it sort offrom the alternative
perspective, most of us, ifsomeone came to you in this
moment and said, Would you helpme?
Most of us wouldn't mind, even,you know, would be happy to help
or would love to help, you know,really love to help someone else
with something that is within mycapacity to give them.
(06:15):
And, you know, in not asking forhelp and making those
assumptions, we end up robbingother people of the opportunity
to give us a really beautifulgift.
So if if there was anything Icould invite you to today, if
there are places or spaces whereyou think that you're alone,
(06:38):
that no one will hear you orwill understand you or can hold
you, that was one I had for along time.
That nobody can hold all that Iam.
And that's also not true.
And many people hold differentparts of me, you know, and not
everybody has the key card to mysuite, so to speak, you know,
(07:00):
not everybody gets access toevery level of me.
If you think of a bullseye, it'sa really good example of if you
were the center and you have thesurrounding circles that go
outward.
Some people are level threepeople.
They're not in every aspect ofmy life.
They don't get access to, youknow, things that are vulnerable
for me or things that I'm reallyworking on.
(07:23):
And other people do.
Some people are closer and I Ican get into really deep,
honest, heartfelt things withthem.
And even there's many thingsthat I'm still working through
that those people don't even getthat, you know, maybe my
therapist gets.
And that's it for today.
And all of that's okay.
You know, I don't think there'sa a timeline on that, but I just
(07:45):
think that there's definitelydefinitely some potential for
you to let people help you thatyou might have just been just
been closing off from that isn'treally necessary and you might
be surprised.
So I just want to give that toyou today and invite you to
(08:06):
consider that people might caremore than you think.
Thank you so much for beinghere.
It means more than you know.
If you enjoyed this episode,please share it with a friend or
leave a quick rating or reviewwherever you listen to podcasts.
It helps more people find theshow.
If you want more of me, head onover to NataniAlison.com and
(08:27):
enter your name and email forbehind the scenes updates in
between shows.
New episodes air every Tuesday.
We'll see you next week.
There are moments in life that split us open.
(00:02):
By unraveling such breaks ortruths, we don't need it.
Until we had no choice.
This podcast is about thosemoments.
It's about the turning pointsthat change us, the things I
wish someone had told me that Ionly understand and looking
back.
Come on in, you belong here, andwe're gonna talk about all of
it.
I'm your host, Natanya, and thisis what I didn't know.
(00:29):
Before we begin, a quick note.
This podcast explores themessuch as mental health,
addiction, trauma, and recovery.
While the stories here arehonest and heartfelt, they're
not a substitute forprofessional advice, therapy, or
medical treatment.
Please listen with care andpause anytime you need to.
Take whatever resonates for youand leave the rest.
(00:51):
Every so often I sit down torecord something just for you.
A short reflection, no script,no guest.
It's where I share what I'vebeen thinking about lately,
straight from the heart.
So I was talking to a friendtoday, and we were talking about
loneliness.
And I was it reminded me of atime in my life when I really
(01:17):
didn't I didn't want to letanybody in ever.
And this is several years ago,and I I was so isolated, and I
think sometimes when you don'tfeel good and things are hard,
and I was in a very dark placethat I didn't want anyone to see
(01:38):
that.
And and quite literally, thehouse that I lived in, we kept
the blinds down all the time onlike the main floors that nobody
could see in.
And it was kind of it wasn'tlike dark, dark in there, but it
was just darker because of that.
And I thought about that oftenabout how much it it was, it's
(01:58):
literal, but it's a metaphor forfor my whole life at that point
in time when I didn't wanna, Ididn't want to show any of the
things that I was going throughthat were difficult.
And even to the point when I canremember going to the grocery
store particularly was a painfulexperience for me because I was
constantly on edge that I mightrun into somebody that I know.
(02:22):
And when you don't feel good,even questions like, hi, how are
you, can, you know, set you onedge because my answer was the
true answer was, well, Ioscillate between either wanting
to sob or set things on fire.
How are you?
You know, that's that was thetruth.
But I, you know, you're sort ofsaying platitudes and being kind
(02:44):
and moving on and like I wouldduck, I would duck duck around
the corner and hide because Ididn't I didn't want to face any
of it and I didn't want to see,I didn't want people to see me.
And what was interesting is Ican also remember, you know,
several years later, after I hadsort of done an about face and
(03:06):
gone and looked in my lifedirectly and dealt with things,
walked through things that werehard, had hard conversations,
faced things, forgiveness, allof that.
And I had moved to Colorado.
And in Colorado, I lived in asmall town.
And small towns are you youcan't avoid running into people
(03:26):
no matter how hard you try,because the guy that, you know,
works at your bank also worksout at the same gym that you
work out at, and then has a sidehustle as a waiter at your
favorite restaurant on aweekend.
Like you you run into peopleeverywhere because you just
cross paths.
And so I had gotten to a placewhere I remember being in a
(03:47):
grocery store one day and I raninto somebody that I knew and
chit-chatted for a little bitand then sort of had a moment
afterwards where I I realizedhow far I had come.
You know, sometimes when you'remaking small incremental
changes, it's I call itmeasuring backwards.
We forget to look behind us tosee how far we've come.
And when you still have gold infront of you, you can be forever
(04:10):
chasing the I'm not there yetinstead of looking at how far
you've come.
And especially when it's smalland over time, you don't really
realize how much how differentyour life can be.
And so it it was just I had amoment I remember in a grocery
store and I realized like thisis this used to be a really
painful thing for me, and it'snot anymore.
(04:30):
And it's not because I madedifferent choices and changes to
my life.
And one of those things wasletting people in.
We don't realize sometimes, youknow, there's a million reasons
why we don't want to let peoplein.
You know, first off, you thinkthat they don't care.
Even if you do think they mightcare, then you think that they
(04:51):
don't understand.
And sometimes it's becausethey're having a, you know, hard
time with things and you don'twant to bur burden them with
your problems.
There's a million reasons.
But I just looking back,realized how much I had shut
people out for a long time.
I didn't I wouldn't even giveanyone the opportunity to maybe
help me by telling themanything.
(05:11):
They didn't even know anything.
And it's one of the things thatI I don't have very many regrets
about really anything in mylife.
And I'm I'm very comfortablesaying that.
But one of the things I sort of,in hindsight, if I could have
done something differently or ifI would have nudged myself in
anything, it would be to maybenot make so many assumptions
(05:34):
that letting people in would beso difficult or that they
wouldn't understand or wouldn'tcare or wouldn't want to help
me.
Because as it turns out, a lotof people cared.
And I have many people in mylife now that love me and help
me in many different ways.
But a lot of that the change hadto come from within me.
(05:54):
And if you think of it sort offrom the alternative
perspective, most of us, ifsomeone came to you in this
moment and said, Would you helpme?
Most of us wouldn't mind, even,you know, would be happy to help
or would love to help, you know,really love to help someone else
with something that is within mycapacity to give them.
(06:15):
And, you know, in not asking forhelp and making those
assumptions, we end up robbingother people of the opportunity
to give us a really beautifulgift.
So if if there was anything Icould invite you to today, if
there are places or spaces whereyou think that you're alone,
(06:38):
that no one will hear you orwill understand you or can hold
you, that was one I had for along time.
That nobody can hold all that Iam.
And that's also not true.
And many people hold differentparts of me, you know, and not
everybody has the key card to mysuite, so to speak, you know,
(07:00):
not everybody gets access toevery level of me.
If you think of a bullseye, it'sa really good example of if you
were the center and you have thesurrounding circles that go
outward.
Some people are level threepeople.
They're not in every aspect ofmy life.
They don't get access to, youknow, things that are vulnerable
for me or things that I'm reallyworking on.
(07:23):
And other people do.
Some people are closer and I Ican get into really deep,
honest, heartfelt things withthem.
And even there's many thingsthat I'm still working through
that those people don't even getthat, you know, maybe my
therapist gets.
And that's it for today.
And all of that's okay.
You know, I don't think there'sa a timeline on that, but I just
(07:45):
think that there's definitelydefinitely some potential for
you to let people help you thatyou might have just been just
been closing off from that isn'treally necessary and you might
be surprised.
So I just want to give that toyou today and invite you to
(08:06):
consider that people might caremore than you think.
Thank you so much for beinghere.
It means more than you know.
If you enjoyed this episode,please share it with a friend or
leave a quick rating or reviewwherever you listen to podcasts.
It helps more people find theshow.
If you want more of me, head onover to NataniAlison.com and
(08:27):
enter your name and email forbehind the scenes updates in
between shows.
New episodes air every Tuesday.
We'll see you next week.
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