September 3, 2025 • 21 mins
Gratitude might be the relationship superpower you're overlooking. In this heartfelt exploration, we dive into how deliberately practicing appreciation transforms relationships from the inside out.
Your brain naturally fixates on problems—it's biology, not a character flaw. This negativity bias served our ancestors well for survival but wreaks havoc in modern relationships. When something upsets us, our nervous system responds as though facing physical danger, triggering fight, flight, or freeze reactions that derail connection. Gratitude serves as the antidote, consciously redirecting attention to what's working.
Sharing appreciations does something remarkable: it signals that love remains present even during conflict. Many of us carry childhood wounds where caregivers withdrew love completely when angry. By maintaining appreciation alongside frustration, we break this pattern, showing our partners "I see you positively even when we disagree." This creates the emotional safety necessary for vulnerable conversations.
Through personal stories about concert mishaps and upcoming retreats, I reveal how holding deep appreciation for my husband transformed how I approached recent conflicts. Rather than spiraling into "inevitable misery" thinking, gratitude provided perspective and motivation to address issues constructively through dialogue rather than silent resentment.
The magic happens not just when you feel grateful internally, but when you express it specifically. Your partner might be doing dozens of things they think show love, but only certain actions truly resonate. When you highlight these moments, you're providing a roadmap to your heart.
Ready to transform your relationship? Start today by noticing one thing you genuinely appreciate about your partner and share it with them. Then watch as this simple practice begins shifting everything from how you communicate to how quickly you recover from disagreements. Your relationship deserves this gift.
- If you and your partner are ready to co-create the roadmap to the relationship of your dreams, join us for the next in-person "Getting the Love You Want" Weekend Couples Retreat!
For support in how to have deeper connections and better communication in the relationships that matter most in your life, follow the host, Trish Sanders on Instagram , Bluesky or LinkedIn.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
Hello and welcome to the when Depression is in your
Bed podcast.
Join me today for aconversation about how gratitude
can be an invaluable tool inrelationship.
Not only can sharing yourappreciation support your
partner in feeling good, but itcan also do wonders for you and
how you show up with yourpartner, which, in turn, can go
a long way to improving yourrelationship.
To hear more, keep listening.
(00:22):
I'm your host, trish Sanders,and I am so delighted that you
are here.
Let's get started.
As we move towards the end ofsummer and we begin to
transition into the fall, I havebeen reflecting on the last
couple of months and everythingthat has happened, and I have
been finding a lot of gratitudeand a lot of appreciation for
everything the wonderful thingsand the beautiful things, and
(00:45):
also the really challengingthings and hard things and it
struck me that I don't thinkthat I've talked about gratitude
or appreciations in any lengthon the podcast yet, and at this
point, I do have a dailypractice of appreciation, both
sort of formally every night Igo through gratitudes but also
informally, as I notice thingsthroughout the day and I share
with my kids or my husband evengratitudes that I share with
(01:06):
myself, things that I appreciateabout myself and a few
significant things sort of cameup and I could really follow the
thread from how theappreciations that I was holding
and also sharing were reallyshaping my experience, and it
struck me that this would be agood thing to talk about on the
podcast this week.
Sharing positives in generaland being positive even to a
certain degree are reallyimportant tools in relationship,
(01:29):
because it's very easy to getfocused and stuck on the
negatives, which is in partbecause we are biologically
wired to pay attention to thethings that are negative,
because those are the thingsthat are potentially dangerous
and we have to pay attention toin order to survive essentially.
But in relationship there's notusually a lot of actual life or
death stuff happening.
But because of how our nervoussystem and brain work, we do
(01:52):
have a tendency to respond toemotional cues of danger in the
exact same way that we wouldrespond to a physical cue of
danger, and so when something isupsetting or frustrating, we
can go into that survival place,that fight or flight place or
that collapse withdrawn avoidantplace, and that totally makes
sense.
However, if we want to movetowards having a conscious
(02:13):
relationship where we start toact in ways that really get us
closer to having the impact wewant to have in creating what we
want to have in relationship,then using gratitudes is really
essential.
Because of our negativity biasand how we pay attention to the
things that are painful orupsetting or potentially
dangerous, we really need toconsciously put in effort to pay
(02:33):
attention quite a bit to thethings that feel good and it's
important for us to do that forourselves.
Again, I mentioned appreciatingmyself, which is sometimes
harder to do than appreciatingmy husband actually, but it's a
really important and beautifulpractice and the more you do it,
the more you reap the benefitsof the practice.
And in my office, when I'mworking with partners in
relationship, at the start ofevery single session we begin,
(02:57):
after a little centering, withsharing appreciations, and I
tell the people I work with whenI first share with them about
our appreciation practice thatinevitably there's going to be a
session where they show up,where they have just had an
argument, whether when it's inperson, it's in the car, and
when they were driving or, formy virtual sessions, just before
they signed on they had somesort of blowout and when they
(03:17):
sign on, they're going to belikely in that survival place
feeling a little defended, alittle self-protective, and they
may not feel very open tosharing appreciations.
And yet we always still will,and so I kind of give people a
little heads up on that, but Iexplain to them really the
importance of why that is.
And, of course, if they needtime to self-regulate or
co-regulate, they need to take amoment.
(03:39):
We of course do that so they'rein a place to genuinely share
an authentic gratitude and anappreciation might vary, they
might not share a super deepappreciation that touched their
heart, maybe that feels toovulnerable in the moment.
But partners in my decade ofworking with relationships have
really almost always been ableto come up with something to
appreciate and it really startsto create an intentional space
(04:02):
in which to do really goodrelationship work because it
conveys hey, even if I'mfrustrated or mad right now, or
if we just had a fight, I stillsee positives in you.
It can be very powerful to helpus see that it's not a black or
white situation.
It's not an either or Either mypartner's mad at me or they
love me, which is very common inthe childhood experience,
(04:23):
because when parents are mad attheir kids or when caregivers
are mad at their kids.
They may not intentionally dothis, but a lot of the time the
love is totally withdrawn, thelove is gone.
They are no longer available totheir child when they're mad.
And so a lot of us carry thisearly wounding from our
childhood that when our partneris mad, the love is gone, just
like when we grew up.
That may have been ourchildhood experience, and so
(04:44):
this is a way of saying hey,even if I'm mad, my love is not
gone.
I still see you, I still holdyou with positive regard, I
still see positive things aboutyou.
And it really can be veryhelpful to serve as a
co-regulating experience thattwo people in relationship can
regulate, begin to feel safe,begin to feel connected more,
even if there was just a recentconflict, so that they can go on
(05:07):
and address the conflict in ahelpful way.
Because if you're feelingdefended and angry, then you are
very well either on attack modeor you're ready to run, or
you're ready to shut down andhide, and none of that is very
helpful to having productiverelationship conversations.
You're not going to be able toproblem solve with your partner
and understand what happened ina particular conflict.
So this is a large part of thereason why I start sessions with
(05:29):
appreciations, and anotherreally wonderful benefit of
sharing appreciations with yourpartner is you start to let them
know the things that they dothat really land for you as
loving or helpful or important.
Because a lot of times partnersare doing many things, maybe
many small things or maybemedium or even large things that
they want their partner to feelloved as a result of them doing
(05:50):
, but they're not necessarilythings that land as so wonderful
for the partner.
And so then you might be Idon't mean this quite as harsh
as that, but you might bewasting your time doing lots of
things that are not quitelanding.
But maybe it's just one or twothings that you do, and often
they're not really necessarilyterribly hard things to
replicate or redo or do again,and those are the things that
(06:12):
your partner deeply appreciates.
And so sharing this informationalso starts to transform a
relationship, because you startto really share with your
partner the things that they dothat land so beautifully and
supportive for you, and viceversa.
So I think that having a regularpractice of appreciations with
your partner in a little bitmore of a formal sense, like
sharing appreciations before bedevery night or sharing
(06:34):
appreciations together overbreakfast.
I do think that that's abeautiful practice, but what I'm
going to talk about today isactually a couple of specific
appreciations that I've had inmy reflection of the summer.
One is an appreciation aboutsomething that just happened
between Ben and I, and one is anappreciation about something
that is coming up and I reallyhave been able to see over the
last few days how me holdingthose appreciations has shaped
(06:58):
how I have been able to respondto Ben in moments of conflict.
So first the one that is aboutto come up, that hasn't happened
yet.
I'm holding a lot ofappreciation for my husband, ben
, because next week I am goingaway all weekend to a wellness
retreat and then I'm coming homeon Sunday.
I'll be home on Sunday eveningand then on Monday morning I'm
going to hop on a plane and goaway for another five days to a
(07:21):
polyvagal training.
If you're not familiar with it,polyvagal theory is about how
our nervous system is at theheart of our lived experience,
how we experience ourselves,others, the world, and it's an
approach that I work with quitea bit in my practice and all
that I do and also in mypersonal life, and this is a
training I've literally beenlooking forward to for a year,
(07:42):
because it's a very experientialtraining and so I'll be doing a
lot of my own nervous systemwork in a really supported place
, and so the whole week it'llend up being about eight days
from the wellness retreat intothe polyvagal retreat is a huge,
deep, profound time ofself-care for me, as well as
learning and expansion, and ofcourse, I'll be able to bring
(08:04):
that back and I'll be able toshow up better in my family and
I'll be able to show up betteras a therapist and as a coach,
and so it will definitely have aripple effect outwards.
And it is absolutely startingwith myself.
And, of course, in order for meto go and do this, I need the
support of my husband and alsomy mom and her husband, because
I have two kids and they haveschool and they need to eat and
all of those things, and so Ihave a lot of support in being
(08:27):
able to go and do this reallyspecial thing next week and I
feel immense gratitude for beingable to do that, and so I've
been holding on to thatgratitude since I registered for
the wellness retreat and forthe training and it's something
that I feel really, reallyfortunate to be able to do for
many reasons, but specific toBen, he is so incredibly
(08:48):
supportive and he knows howimportant these things are for
me, and again, he also sees theripple effect how I show up when
I come home.
But he has to make his life alittle bit more challenging next
week in order for me to go awayand have this experience, and
so I feel immensely grateful forthat, and of course, I've also
shared that with him.
That's not just something I'mkeeping to myself.
And the second appreciationthat I've been really holding
(09:10):
very close to my heart issomething that just happened a
couple of days ago.
Ben and I and our son went to aconcert.
Ben and I go to a lot ofconcerts, and now our son, who's
13, has started coming toseveral of the concerts.
He's been coming to concertsover the last few years, but
every now and again and morerecently he's come to several
with us, and it's just been areally special thing to share as
(09:30):
a family.
Our six-year-old also actuallyhas come to a concert before,
but she is not quite ready tocome to all the concerts that we
go to.
She's not interested in comingquite yet, and it doesn't quite
make sense for a six-year-old tobe at all the concerts that we
attend.
Not quite yet, so she has a fewmore years to go.
But again, this is a reallyspecial, exciting thing for all
of us.
Ben and I enjoy it immenselyand our son enjoys it as well.
(09:51):
It's something really specialthat in and of itself.
I have a lot of gratitude forbeing able to share that
experience with both of them.
So at this particular concert myson's friend was also there,
but in a different section.
So we had thought we knew whattime the band was going to start
, and so my son was trying toget up to see his friend, just
to say hi.
They were really excited to beat this concert, seeing this
(10:12):
band that they really wanted tosee.
And I said to my husband and myfriend also, who was with us
you guys go down to the floor,we're just going to run up into
the other section and say hi tothe friend and we'll be right
down.
And so we were running.
My husband and I were laughing,we were having a good time,
let's do it, you know like,let's make this happen.
And we ran and then all of asudden the music starts earlier
than we were expecting.
We were like, oh no, like likethe music's starting, we're like
(10:34):
it's okay, we're almost at thefriend, Like we'll just say hi
and we'll take a picturetogether and we'll run back
downstairs.
And so we tried to do that, butit ended up because the music
started, we decided that it wastoo much and the friend went
back to his section and we endedup going back downstairs.
But we were laughing and it wasokay, but what we ended up
(10:57):
missing, I mean we heard.
And so my son was disappointedand my son also didn't get to
see the band performing itbecause, again, we could hear it
but we couldn't see the stage.
And so my son was like, oh, mygosh, like I missed the song.
And I said, oh, I know that'ssuch a bummer.
You know, let's enjoy the restof the show.
I wanted to be able to supporthim and feeling disappointed,
but also I don't want him to getstuck in disappointment, right?
So it was that balance ofvalidating and also let's enjoy
(11:18):
the rest of the show.
When he was able to transition,it was like yeah, yeah, like
let's get down there.
So we got down there.
We were able to find my husband.
Then it took a few minutes, butwe got there and when he first
came over to me he looked reallyangry and he was like we missed
the song together and I'm somad.
And I said to my son I said Iknow it's a bummer, also really
love that song I was reallybummed out.
It just didn't work out.
Things got a little crossed.
(11:39):
They started earlier than weanticipated.
Let's try to enjoy the rest ofthe concert.
And my husband walked away fromme and I was like oh my gosh, is
he so mad that he's walkingaway?
And I have to tell you justlittle tiny background
information it hasn't happenedin quite some time, but going
back probably 15 years or so,give or take a few years, there
(12:00):
were concerts that my husbandand I went to, even before our
son was born, where we had aconflict and we ended up being
really disconnected for thewhole time.
And so I kind of had like thisnervous system and brain
flashback like oh my gosh, isthis happening?
Like is he walking away from usright now?
And it ended up that that wasnot at all what was happening.
He actually came right back,but with my friend who was also
(12:20):
there with us because he knewwhere she was standing and he
brought her back and we ended uphaving a fantastic night.
The four of us my husband and myson and my friend and I we just
really had a blast.
We had a general admissionticket and so we were on the
floor and we were just likedancing and having such a great
time and we ended up having areally, really beautiful night.
And it really struck me that Iwas so grateful, because not
(12:43):
only my husband's ability toprocess his emotions and
self-regulate because it wasdisappointing, I also was
disappointed.
We missed that first song.
It was a really good one and itwould have been really cool for
us to all have been togetherwatching them perform and also
we were trying to have my sonmeet his friend, which was
important to him too, and so itwas like both things were
important and we made a decisionwhich, in the end, didn't work
(13:05):
out, but it didn't take awaythat we were still at this
really cool place doing thisreally cool thing together, and
so I was so grateful that wewere all able to self-regulate
and co-regulate and be able tohave this great night together,
were all able to self-regulateand co-regulate and be able to
have this great night together,but also it was such an
illustration of the progressthat we've made.
Again, going back many years.
There were lots of experiencesthat Ben and I had that, because
(13:26):
of our conflict, because of anargument, because of our
dysregulation, because of ourreactivity however you want to
describe it we were not able toenjoy certain things because
that got in the way, and so itwas really beautiful to have an
experience where it didn't getin the way, where we were able
to have this, and it alsosupported my son because, again,
he was also disappointed nothearing that song and moving
(13:47):
through that, you know, feelinglike, oh yeah, that was in fact
disappointing and we still haveso many more songs to hear, and
so we were able to reallynavigate that, I think, really
beautifully together and it wasreally exciting for me to see,
and so I also really was able toexpress that appreciation to
Ben as well.
So, in addition to having thesevery warm feelings of both
recognizing our progress and howmuch work we've done over all
(14:10):
these years and having all thisgratitude for having this
wonderful shared familyexperience, as well as having so
much gratitude and appreciatingBen supporting me in my own
journey which again does affectmy journey with him and my
entire rest of my lifeexperience with everybody in my
life I really had a lot of warmfeelings that were very top of
mind Over the last couple days.
(14:30):
We had a couple of conflictsthat perhaps I will get into
another day and I can share withyou what happened and how we
processed it.
But what I really noticed was,even though I definitely had
moments of pretty intensedysregulation, feeling like oh
my gosh, like why is thishappening again?
That's an old story of mine,like this inevitability.
I think that dealing withdepression, by the way, just as
a quick side note that that's avery common story that you're
(14:53):
feeling good, things are goingwell, and then you feel
depressed again and you're likewhat?
Again, I thought this was doneor I wasn't going to get back
here.
Now that I'm back here, it'sinevitable and I'll never be
able to be happy again, andthat's a very old feeling for me
.
It's also something that showsup for my husband as well quite
a bit, and it can be really hard.
It's easy to get stuck in thatplace of the inevitability of
misery.
I think is how I think about it, and so I touched that place a
(15:15):
little bit over the last coupledays a couple times, but I was
able to acknowledge that andnotice, like, okay, I'm feeling
dysregulated and let me rememberthat I'm holding these really
significant gratitudes forthings that just happened, brand
new things, not distant past,things like this one time Ben
did something great but like,actually a lot of wonderful
(15:35):
things are happening now, asevidenced by the concert and as
evidenced by the fact that I'mgoing on these really special
trips next week, and I was ableto really use those gratitudes
to self-regulate and get myselfto a place where I was able to
have more clarity about what wasreally going on and then could
make a much, much morewell-informed and conscious
decision about how I wanted tohandle it and how I ended up
(15:57):
handling it.
Yesterday we were busy, we hada lot going on.
I made a choice to just containmyself and sit with it for a
little bit, just so that wecould do everything else that we
were doing.
And then this morning, when wehad time, I was able to go to my
husband and ask him to have adialogue about it.
And much like polyvagal theoryI talk about Imago relationship
theory quite a bit, but ifyou're not familiar with it, it
is the approach to relationshipwork that I am trained in and
(16:19):
certified in and what I use withthe couples that I work with.
I also live it and the dialogueis the primary communication
tool that is used in Imagorelationship therapy.
So, without going into thedetails of how it's used, it is,
like I said, a specificapproach to communicating and
it's how Ben and I really dowork through our challenging
(16:40):
moments so that we can sharewhat our feelings and
experiences are, as well as theinterpretations we make and the
longings that we have, how welike to change things and we are
able to really work throughconflict so we can really grow
through it.
And it ended up being a reallybeautiful dialogue because I
felt super heard.
Ben was really supportive,really welcoming, he actually
shared which I thought wasreally sweet that he was so
(17:01):
grateful that I came to him witha dialogue request to ask to
talk to him about what happenedyesterday instead of sitting on
it forever, which I definitely,historically, have done many
times.
I'm very good at silentresentment, so I don't even tell
Ben what I'm mad at, I justbuild resentment inside.
It's something I've done many,many times over many, many years
, but it's something also, ofcourse, I've been very aware of
(17:23):
for a long time, and I know thatdoing that is really
destructive and unhelpful formyself and for my relationship,
and so doing something likeasking for a dialogue and
talking about how I feel in ahelpful, honest, open,
appropriate, compassionate wayreally works far better for us,
and it was so clear to me how Iwas able to do that because, or
(17:43):
in large part because, I wasalso really aware of these deep
appreciations that I had for Ben, and so it's kind of like it's
much easier for me to tellmyself the story which I also
think is a much more accuratestory that nobody's perfect,
conflict happens in relationship, and I have all of these
wonderful examples of thingsthat are really meaningful and
(18:04):
that I deeply appreciate aboutmy relationship, and also that
makes me feel really much moremotivated to work out the hard
moments, and so, while sometimesit might not feel like you have
a lot to be grateful for or youdon't want to share gratitudes,
you want to talk about the hardstuff, you want to talk about
the frustrations.
How can you feel grateful untilyou work out some of the stuff
that's going wrong or somethinglike that, which I know.
(18:26):
That feeling too, even if youstart out with little tiny
gratitudes, paying attention towhat's going well in a
relationship really serves toenhance that and it really
supports you because it helpsyou really strengthen the
foundation of your relationshipso that you can take risks like
being vulnerable and havingdeeper conversations.
Because if you're talking aboutconflict and hard stuff all the
(18:47):
time, that gets old prettyquickly and it can get
frustrating and you can getcaught in quite a loop, feeling
like you're talking about thesame thing over and over and
over again and getting nowherewhich probably many other
podcast episodes that I can talkabout that on.
But gratitude is something thatcan truly be a transformational
practice.
So if it's something that youdo in your life perhaps maybe
not in your relationship, butmaybe in other places you are
(19:09):
able to hold gratitude Iencourage you to bring it into
your relationship.
And if it's something that youdo think to yourself in your
head that you like oh yeah, ofcourse I appreciate my partner,
they do so much for me, butmaybe you don't share it as
often as you could then thatcould be a space for you to
stretch into and beyond that,any way that it makes sense for
you to share gratitude for yourpartner and, again, as I
(19:30):
mentioned, for yourself.
Noticing what you appreciateabout yourself and how far
you've come will really help youcontinue to grow and stretch
more and more into the personand partner that you really are
and that you really wanna be.
As our time comes to a close, Iask you to keep listening for
just a few more moments, becauseI wanna thank you for showing
(19:53):
up today and I want to leave youwith an invitation as you hit,
stop and move back out into theworld on your own unique
wellness journey In order tomove from where you are today to
the place where you want to be.
The path may seem long orunclear or unknown, and I want
you to know that if that seemsscary or daunting or downright
(20:14):
terrifying or anything else,that is totally okay.
Know that you do not have tocreate the whole way all at once
.
We don't travel a whole journeyin one stride, and that is why
my invitation to you today is totake a step, just one, any type
, any size, in any direction.
It can be an external step thatcan be observed or measured, or
(20:37):
it could be a step youvisualize taking in your mind.
It can be a step towards action, or towards rest, or connection
, or self-care, or whatever stepmakes sense to you.
I invite you to take a steptoday, because getting to a
place that feels better, morejoyful, more connected than the
place where you are today ispossible for everyone, including
(21:00):
you, and even when depressionis in your bed.
If today's episode resonatedwith you, please subscribe so
you can be notified when eachweekly episode gets released.
I encourage you to leave areview and reach out to me on
social media at trishsanderslcsw.
Your feedback will help guidefuture episodes and I love
(21:21):
hearing from you.
Also, please share this podcastwith anyone who you think may
be interested or who may getsomething from what I have
shared.
Until the next time we connect,take care of yourself and take
a step.
Hello and welcome to the when Depression is in your
Bed podcast.
Join me today for aconversation about how gratitude
can be an invaluable tool inrelationship.
Not only can sharing yourappreciation support your
partner in feeling good, but itcan also do wonders for you and
how you show up with yourpartner, which, in turn, can go
a long way to improving yourrelationship.
To hear more, keep listening.
(00:22):
I'm your host, trish Sanders,and I am so delighted that you
are here.
Let's get started.
As we move towards the end ofsummer and we begin to
transition into the fall, I havebeen reflecting on the last
couple of months and everythingthat has happened, and I have
been finding a lot of gratitudeand a lot of appreciation for
everything the wonderful thingsand the beautiful things, and
(00:45):
also the really challengingthings and hard things and it
struck me that I don't thinkthat I've talked about gratitude
or appreciations in any lengthon the podcast yet, and at this
point, I do have a dailypractice of appreciation, both
sort of formally every night Igo through gratitudes but also
informally, as I notice thingsthroughout the day and I share
with my kids or my husband evengratitudes that I share with
(01:06):
myself, things that I appreciateabout myself and a few
significant things sort of cameup and I could really follow the
thread from how theappreciations that I was holding
and also sharing were reallyshaping my experience, and it
struck me that this would be agood thing to talk about on the
podcast this week.
Sharing positives in generaland being positive even to a
certain degree are reallyimportant tools in relationship,
(01:29):
because it's very easy to getfocused and stuck on the
negatives, which is in partbecause we are biologically
wired to pay attention to thethings that are negative,
because those are the thingsthat are potentially dangerous
and we have to pay attention toin order to survive essentially.
But in relationship there's notusually a lot of actual life or
death stuff happening.
But because of how our nervoussystem and brain work, we do
(01:52):
have a tendency to respond toemotional cues of danger in the
exact same way that we wouldrespond to a physical cue of
danger, and so when something isupsetting or frustrating, we
can go into that survival place,that fight or flight place or
that collapse withdrawn avoidantplace, and that totally makes
sense.
However, if we want to movetowards having a conscious
(02:13):
relationship where we start toact in ways that really get us
closer to having the impact wewant to have in creating what we
want to have in relationship,then using gratitudes is really
essential.
Because of our negativity biasand how we pay attention to the
things that are painful orupsetting or potentially
dangerous, we really need toconsciously put in effort to pay
(02:33):
attention quite a bit to thethings that feel good and it's
important for us to do that forourselves.
Again, I mentioned appreciatingmyself, which is sometimes
harder to do than appreciatingmy husband actually, but it's a
really important and beautifulpractice and the more you do it,
the more you reap the benefitsof the practice.
And in my office, when I'mworking with partners in
relationship, at the start ofevery single session we begin,
(02:57):
after a little centering, withsharing appreciations, and I
tell the people I work with whenI first share with them about
our appreciation practice thatinevitably there's going to be a
session where they show up,where they have just had an
argument, whether when it's inperson, it's in the car, and
when they were driving or, formy virtual sessions, just before
they signed on they had somesort of blowout and when they
(03:17):
sign on, they're going to belikely in that survival place
feeling a little defended, alittle self-protective, and they
may not feel very open tosharing appreciations.
And yet we always still will,and so I kind of give people a
little heads up on that, but Iexplain to them really the
importance of why that is.
And, of course, if they needtime to self-regulate or
co-regulate, they need to take amoment.
(03:39):
We of course do that so they'rein a place to genuinely share
an authentic gratitude and anappreciation might vary, they
might not share a super deepappreciation that touched their
heart, maybe that feels toovulnerable in the moment.
But partners in my decade ofworking with relationships have
really almost always been ableto come up with something to
appreciate and it really startsto create an intentional space
(04:02):
in which to do really goodrelationship work because it
conveys hey, even if I'mfrustrated or mad right now, or
if we just had a fight, I stillsee positives in you.
It can be very powerful to helpus see that it's not a black or
white situation.
It's not an either or Either mypartner's mad at me or they
love me, which is very common inthe childhood experience,
(04:23):
because when parents are mad attheir kids or when caregivers
are mad at their kids.
They may not intentionally dothis, but a lot of the time the
love is totally withdrawn, thelove is gone.
They are no longer available totheir child when they're mad.
And so a lot of us carry thisearly wounding from our
childhood that when our partneris mad, the love is gone, just
like when we grew up.
That may have been ourchildhood experience, and so
(04:44):
this is a way of saying hey,even if I'm mad, my love is not
gone.
I still see you, I still holdyou with positive regard, I
still see positive things aboutyou.
And it really can be veryhelpful to serve as a
co-regulating experience thattwo people in relationship can
regulate, begin to feel safe,begin to feel connected more,
even if there was just a recentconflict, so that they can go on
(05:07):
and address the conflict in ahelpful way.
Because if you're feelingdefended and angry, then you are
very well either on attack modeor you're ready to run, or
you're ready to shut down andhide, and none of that is very
helpful to having productiverelationship conversations.
You're not going to be able toproblem solve with your partner
and understand what happened ina particular conflict.
So this is a large part of thereason why I start sessions with
(05:29):
appreciations, and anotherreally wonderful benefit of
sharing appreciations with yourpartner is you start to let them
know the things that they dothat really land for you as
loving or helpful or important.
Because a lot of times partnersare doing many things, maybe
many small things or maybemedium or even large things that
they want their partner to feelloved as a result of them doing
(05:50):
, but they're not necessarilythings that land as so wonderful
for the partner.
And so then you might be Idon't mean this quite as harsh
as that, but you might bewasting your time doing lots of
things that are not quitelanding.
But maybe it's just one or twothings that you do, and often
they're not really necessarilyterribly hard things to
replicate or redo or do again,and those are the things that
(06:12):
your partner deeply appreciates.
And so sharing this informationalso starts to transform a
relationship, because you startto really share with your
partner the things that they dothat land so beautifully and
supportive for you, and viceversa.
So I think that having a regularpractice of appreciations with
your partner in a little bitmore of a formal sense, like
sharing appreciations before bedevery night or sharing
(06:34):
appreciations together overbreakfast.
I do think that that's abeautiful practice, but what I'm
going to talk about today isactually a couple of specific
appreciations that I've had inmy reflection of the summer.
One is an appreciation aboutsomething that just happened
between Ben and I, and one is anappreciation about something
that is coming up and I reallyhave been able to see over the
last few days how me holdingthose appreciations has shaped
(06:58):
how I have been able to respondto Ben in moments of conflict.
So first the one that is aboutto come up, that hasn't happened
yet.
I'm holding a lot ofappreciation for my husband, ben
, because next week I am goingaway all weekend to a wellness
retreat and then I'm coming homeon Sunday.
I'll be home on Sunday eveningand then on Monday morning I'm
going to hop on a plane and goaway for another five days to a
(07:21):
polyvagal training.
If you're not familiar with it,polyvagal theory is about how
our nervous system is at theheart of our lived experience,
how we experience ourselves,others, the world, and it's an
approach that I work with quitea bit in my practice and all
that I do and also in mypersonal life, and this is a
training I've literally beenlooking forward to for a year,
(07:42):
because it's a very experientialtraining and so I'll be doing a
lot of my own nervous systemwork in a really supported place
, and so the whole week it'llend up being about eight days
from the wellness retreat intothe polyvagal retreat is a huge,
deep, profound time ofself-care for me, as well as
learning and expansion, and ofcourse, I'll be able to bring
(08:04):
that back and I'll be able toshow up better in my family and
I'll be able to show up betteras a therapist and as a coach,
and so it will definitely have aripple effect outwards.
And it is absolutely startingwith myself.
And, of course, in order for meto go and do this, I need the
support of my husband and alsomy mom and her husband, because
I have two kids and they haveschool and they need to eat and
all of those things, and so Ihave a lot of support in being
(08:27):
able to go and do this reallyspecial thing next week and I
feel immense gratitude for beingable to do that, and so I've
been holding on to thatgratitude since I registered for
the wellness retreat and forthe training and it's something
that I feel really, reallyfortunate to be able to do for
many reasons, but specific toBen, he is so incredibly
(08:48):
supportive and he knows howimportant these things are for
me, and again, he also sees theripple effect how I show up when
I come home.
But he has to make his life alittle bit more challenging next
week in order for me to go awayand have this experience, and
so I feel immensely grateful forthat, and of course, I've also
shared that with him.
That's not just something I'mkeeping to myself.
And the second appreciationthat I've been really holding
(09:10):
very close to my heart issomething that just happened a
couple of days ago.
Ben and I and our son went to aconcert.
Ben and I go to a lot ofconcerts, and now our son, who's
13, has started coming toseveral of the concerts.
He's been coming to concertsover the last few years, but
every now and again and morerecently he's come to several
with us, and it's just been areally special thing to share as
(09:30):
a family.
Our six-year-old also actuallyhas come to a concert before,
but she is not quite ready tocome to all the concerts that we
go to.
She's not interested in comingquite yet, and it doesn't quite
make sense for a six-year-old tobe at all the concerts that we
attend.
Not quite yet, so she has a fewmore years to go.
But again, this is a reallyspecial, exciting thing for all
of us.
Ben and I enjoy it immenselyand our son enjoys it as well.
(09:51):
It's something really specialthat in and of itself.
I have a lot of gratitude forbeing able to share that
experience with both of them.
So at this particular concert myson's friend was also there,
but in a different section.
So we had thought we knew whattime the band was going to start
, and so my son was trying toget up to see his friend, just
to say hi.
They were really excited to beat this concert, seeing this
(10:12):
band that they really wanted tosee.
And I said to my husband and myfriend also, who was with us
you guys go down to the floor,we're just going to run up into
the other section and say hi tothe friend and we'll be right
down.
And so we were running.
My husband and I were laughing,we were having a good time,
let's do it, you know like,let's make this happen.
And we ran and then all of asudden the music starts earlier
than we were expecting.
We were like, oh no, like likethe music's starting, we're like
(10:34):
it's okay, we're almost at thefriend, Like we'll just say hi
and we'll take a picturetogether and we'll run back
downstairs.
And so we tried to do that, butit ended up because the music
started, we decided that it wastoo much and the friend went
back to his section and we endedup going back downstairs.
But we were laughing and it wasokay, but what we ended up
(10:57):
missing, I mean we heard.
And so my son was disappointedand my son also didn't get to
see the band performing itbecause, again, we could hear it
but we couldn't see the stage.
And so my son was like, oh, mygosh, like I missed the song.
And I said, oh, I know that'ssuch a bummer.
You know, let's enjoy the restof the show.
I wanted to be able to supporthim and feeling disappointed,
but also I don't want him to getstuck in disappointment, right?
So it was that balance ofvalidating and also let's enjoy
(11:18):
the rest of the show.
When he was able to transition,it was like yeah, yeah, like
let's get down there.
So we got down there.
We were able to find my husband.
Then it took a few minutes, butwe got there and when he first
came over to me he looked reallyangry and he was like we missed
the song together and I'm somad.
And I said to my son I said Iknow it's a bummer, also really
love that song I was reallybummed out.
It just didn't work out.
Things got a little crossed.
(11:39):
They started earlier than weanticipated.
Let's try to enjoy the rest ofthe concert.
And my husband walked away fromme and I was like oh my gosh, is
he so mad that he's walkingaway?
And I have to tell you justlittle tiny background
information it hasn't happenedin quite some time, but going
back probably 15 years or so,give or take a few years, there
(12:00):
were concerts that my husbandand I went to, even before our
son was born, where we had aconflict and we ended up being
really disconnected for thewhole time.
And so I kind of had like thisnervous system and brain
flashback like oh my gosh, isthis happening?
Like is he walking away from usright now?
And it ended up that that wasnot at all what was happening.
He actually came right back,but with my friend who was also
(12:20):
there with us because he knewwhere she was standing and he
brought her back and we ended uphaving a fantastic night.
The four of us my husband and myson and my friend and I we just
really had a blast.
We had a general admissionticket and so we were on the
floor and we were just likedancing and having such a great
time and we ended up having areally, really beautiful night.
And it really struck me that Iwas so grateful, because not
(12:43):
only my husband's ability toprocess his emotions and
self-regulate because it wasdisappointing, I also was
disappointed.
We missed that first song.
It was a really good one and itwould have been really cool for
us to all have been togetherwatching them perform and also
we were trying to have my sonmeet his friend, which was
important to him too, and so itwas like both things were
important and we made a decisionwhich, in the end, didn't work
(13:05):
out, but it didn't take awaythat we were still at this
really cool place doing thisreally cool thing together, and
so I was so grateful that wewere all able to self-regulate
and co-regulate and be able tohave this great night together,
were all able to self-regulateand co-regulate and be able to
have this great night together,but also it was such an
illustration of the progressthat we've made.
Again, going back many years.
There were lots of experiencesthat Ben and I had that, because
(13:26):
of our conflict, because of anargument, because of our
dysregulation, because of ourreactivity however you want to
describe it we were not able toenjoy certain things because
that got in the way, and so itwas really beautiful to have an
experience where it didn't getin the way, where we were able
to have this, and it alsosupported my son because, again,
he was also disappointed nothearing that song and moving
(13:47):
through that, you know, feelinglike, oh yeah, that was in fact
disappointing and we still haveso many more songs to hear, and
so we were able to reallynavigate that, I think, really
beautifully together and it wasreally exciting for me to see,
and so I also really was able toexpress that appreciation to
Ben as well.
So, in addition to having thesevery warm feelings of both
recognizing our progress and howmuch work we've done over all
(14:10):
these years and having all thisgratitude for having this
wonderful shared familyexperience, as well as having so
much gratitude and appreciatingBen supporting me in my own
journey which again does affectmy journey with him and my
entire rest of my lifeexperience with everybody in my
life I really had a lot of warmfeelings that were very top of
mind Over the last couple days.
(14:30):
We had a couple of conflictsthat perhaps I will get into
another day and I can share withyou what happened and how we
processed it.
But what I really noticed was,even though I definitely had
moments of pretty intensedysregulation, feeling like oh
my gosh, like why is thishappening again?
That's an old story of mine,like this inevitability.
I think that dealing withdepression, by the way, just as
a quick side note that that's avery common story that you're
(14:53):
feeling good, things are goingwell, and then you feel
depressed again and you're likewhat?
Again, I thought this was doneor I wasn't going to get back
here.
Now that I'm back here, it'sinevitable and I'll never be
able to be happy again, andthat's a very old feeling for me
.
It's also something that showsup for my husband as well quite
a bit, and it can be really hard.
It's easy to get stuck in thatplace of the inevitability of
misery.
I think is how I think about it, and so I touched that place a
(15:15):
little bit over the last coupledays a couple times, but I was
able to acknowledge that andnotice, like, okay, I'm feeling
dysregulated and let me rememberthat I'm holding these really
significant gratitudes forthings that just happened, brand
new things, not distant past,things like this one time Ben
did something great but like,actually a lot of wonderful
(15:35):
things are happening now, asevidenced by the concert and as
evidenced by the fact that I'mgoing on these really special
trips next week, and I was ableto really use those gratitudes
to self-regulate and get myselfto a place where I was able to
have more clarity about what wasreally going on and then could
make a much, much morewell-informed and conscious
decision about how I wanted tohandle it and how I ended up
(15:57):
handling it.
Yesterday we were busy, we hada lot going on.
I made a choice to just containmyself and sit with it for a
little bit, just so that wecould do everything else that we
were doing.
And then this morning, when wehad time, I was able to go to my
husband and ask him to have adialogue about it.
And much like polyvagal theoryI talk about Imago relationship
theory quite a bit, but ifyou're not familiar with it, it
is the approach to relationshipwork that I am trained in and
(16:19):
certified in and what I use withthe couples that I work with.
I also live it and the dialogueis the primary communication
tool that is used in Imagorelationship therapy.
So, without going into thedetails of how it's used, it is,
like I said, a specificapproach to communicating and
it's how Ben and I really dowork through our challenging
(16:40):
moments so that we can sharewhat our feelings and
experiences are, as well as theinterpretations we make and the
longings that we have, how welike to change things and we are
able to really work throughconflict so we can really grow
through it.
And it ended up being a reallybeautiful dialogue because I
felt super heard.
Ben was really supportive,really welcoming, he actually
shared which I thought wasreally sweet that he was so
(17:01):
grateful that I came to him witha dialogue request to ask to
talk to him about what happenedyesterday instead of sitting on
it forever, which I definitely,historically, have done many
times.
I'm very good at silentresentment, so I don't even tell
Ben what I'm mad at, I justbuild resentment inside.
It's something I've done many,many times over many, many years
, but it's something also, ofcourse, I've been very aware of
(17:23):
for a long time, and I know thatdoing that is really
destructive and unhelpful formyself and for my relationship,
and so doing something likeasking for a dialogue and
talking about how I feel in ahelpful, honest, open,
appropriate, compassionate wayreally works far better for us,
and it was so clear to me how Iwas able to do that because, or
(17:43):
in large part because, I wasalso really aware of these deep
appreciations that I had for Ben, and so it's kind of like it's
much easier for me to tellmyself the story which I also
think is a much more accuratestory that nobody's perfect,
conflict happens in relationship, and I have all of these
wonderful examples of thingsthat are really meaningful and
(18:04):
that I deeply appreciate aboutmy relationship, and also that
makes me feel really much moremotivated to work out the hard
moments, and so, while sometimesit might not feel like you have
a lot to be grateful for or youdon't want to share gratitudes,
you want to talk about the hardstuff, you want to talk about
the frustrations.
How can you feel grateful untilyou work out some of the stuff
that's going wrong or somethinglike that, which I know.
(18:26):
That feeling too, even if youstart out with little tiny
gratitudes, paying attention towhat's going well in a
relationship really serves toenhance that and it really
supports you because it helpsyou really strengthen the
foundation of your relationshipso that you can take risks like
being vulnerable and havingdeeper conversations.
Because if you're talking aboutconflict and hard stuff all the
(18:47):
time, that gets old prettyquickly and it can get
frustrating and you can getcaught in quite a loop, feeling
like you're talking about thesame thing over and over and
over again and getting nowherewhich probably many other
podcast episodes that I can talkabout that on.
But gratitude is something thatcan truly be a transformational
practice.
So if it's something that youdo in your life perhaps maybe
not in your relationship, butmaybe in other places you are
(19:09):
able to hold gratitude Iencourage you to bring it into
your relationship.
And if it's something that youdo think to yourself in your
head that you like oh yeah, ofcourse I appreciate my partner,
they do so much for me, butmaybe you don't share it as
often as you could then thatcould be a space for you to
stretch into and beyond that,any way that it makes sense for
you to share gratitude for yourpartner and, again, as I
(19:30):
mentioned, for yourself.
Noticing what you appreciateabout yourself and how far
you've come will really help youcontinue to grow and stretch
more and more into the personand partner that you really are
and that you really wanna be.
As our time comes to a close, Iask you to keep listening for
just a few more moments, becauseI wanna thank you for showing
(19:53):
up today and I want to leave youwith an invitation as you hit,
stop and move back out into theworld on your own unique
wellness journey In order tomove from where you are today to
the place where you want to be.
The path may seem long orunclear or unknown, and I want
you to know that if that seemsscary or daunting or downright
(20:14):
terrifying or anything else,that is totally okay.
Know that you do not have tocreate the whole way all at once
.
We don't travel a whole journeyin one stride, and that is why
my invitation to you today is totake a step, just one, any type
, any size, in any direction.
It can be an external step thatcan be observed or measured, or
(20:37):
it could be a step youvisualize taking in your mind.
It can be a step towards action, or towards rest, or connection
, or self-care, or whatever stepmakes sense to you.
I invite you to take a steptoday, because getting to a
place that feels better, morejoyful, more connected than the
place where you are today ispossible for everyone, including
(21:00):
you, and even when depressionis in your bed.
If today's episode resonatedwith you, please subscribe so
you can be notified when eachweekly episode gets released.
I encourage you to leave areview and reach out to me on
social media at trishsanderslcsw.
Your feedback will help guidefuture episodes and I love
(21:21):
hearing from you.
Also, please share this podcastwith anyone who you think may
be interested or who may getsomething from what I have
shared.
Until the next time we connect,take care of yourself and take
a step.
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