Grief, Gratitude & ADHD: What’s Been Coming Up for Me This Holiday Season

Holidays have a way of pulling old feelings to the surface. This time, two truths came up at once: the enduring ache of losing my dad five years ago, and a quieter grief I call “ADHD grief”—the gap between the cozy, orderly home I imagine and the real limits of my brain and nervous system. I share the moments that stopped me mid-task, what changed when I paused to feel instead of fix, and how gratitude began to stand beside grief without erasing it.

You’ll hear how an unexpected gathering on my dad’s anniversary became a gift of connection rather than a ritual of loss, and why that mattered more than any plan I could have made. We talk about the pressure to perform “holiday perfection,” the comparison traps that heighten shame, and the kinder, capacity-based choices that bring the season back to what counts. From ordering cards early to hearing my daughter say the tree makes every morning feel like Christmas, I show how small, doable wins can carry real magic—even when the closets are messy and the to-do list is imperfect.

If you live with ADHD or another form of neurodivergence, or if you’re navigating fresh or longstanding grief, you’ll find practical compassion here: naming what you can’t control, choosing what you can, and taking one step—toward action, rest, connection, or care. We won’t force gratitude as a cure, and we won’t rush grief. Instead, we make space for both and let them guide better decisions, gentler self-talk, and traditions that fit our actual lives. If this resonates, follow the show, share it with a friend who needs it, and leave a review—then tell me: what one step will you take today?

If you and your partner are ready to co-create the roadmap to the relationship of your dreams, join us for the next in-person "Getting the Love You Want" Weekend Couples Retreat!

For support in how to have deeper connections and better communication in the relationships that matter most in your life, follow the host, Trish Sanders on Instagram , Bluesky or LinkedIn.

Episode Transcript

SPEAKER_00 (00:00):
Hello, and welcome to the When Depression is in
your bed podcast.
In today's episode, I'm sharingwhat's really been happening for
me this holiday season, howgratitude and grief can coexist,
and how ADHD brings its ownversions of both.
My hope is that by sharing mystory, you may feel a little bit
less alone in yours.
I'm your host, Trish Sanders,and I am delighted that you are

(00:23):
here.
So let's get started.
Over the last few weeks, I havehad a few moments where I have
just been bowled over by a hugewave of emotion in the middle of
my day.
Once I was doing dishes, anothertime I was opening up my closet
looking for something forChristmas.
And I literally just had thismoment where I was physically

(00:43):
overcome by these huge emotions.
And I really had to stop andtake pause because it was such a
clear moment of like, whoa,that's different, or that's new,
or that's something, I guess,maybe.
And I had to pause each time andreally think like, what's
happening here?
Like, what's going on for me?
The first time that it happened,I realized pretty quickly that
it was bereavement grief becauseit was the weekend of the

(01:04):
anniversary of five years sincemy dad's transition.
And I knew that I was grievingthe loss as well as celebrating
his life.
I had had a dinner with some ofour family friends a couple of
weeks prior to that in memory ofmy dad.
And I was also together thatweekend with a lot of friends
who are family to me and my dad.

(01:26):
But it was a couple days afterthe actual anniversary, and it
really just hit me.
And I realized that I justneeded to slow down and honor it
because even though I had donethese things and it didn't
really feel like I was checkingboxes, but I think in my head, I
was like, oh, I did recognizethis five-year anniversary, but
my body was communicating to mea very different reality that

(01:46):
wasn't enough.
Not in like I needed to do moresort of way at all, but in that
I needed to feel more, I guess,is probably the more accurate
version of what I think themessage was.
And so I really was able to slowdown and sit with that grief.
And then about a week later, Ihad another couple of
experiences that were verysimilar.
And I paused.
And while I realized that thegrief that I had around my dad

(02:09):
could certainly be part of thatemotional overwhelm, there
seemed to be something elsereally more prominent, at least
in that particular moment thatwas happening for me.
And it was around my experienceof getting my house prepared for
guests, which is in and ofitself something I could talk
about and probably will spendanother episode talking about.
But the idea of just likegetting everything ready for
someone to come over and alsogetting the house ready for the

(02:32):
holidays and everything that wasaround that.
And as somebody with an ADHDbrain, those things which may
come more easily or at leastdifferently to people with
neurotypical brains are reallyquite challenging for me.
But I want to do those things.
I want my house to be ready forvisitors.
I want to be able to have mykids have their friends over and
have play dates at the house.
And I really would love for myhouse to be the hangout house

(02:55):
for my teenage son and hisfriends.
And I also want to createholiday magic for my kids.
So it's not that it's out ofalignment with who I am
authentically.
These are things that I want.
It's just that they are hard forme because of how my brain
works.
And I realize that in thatmoment, that wave that stopped
me in my tracks physically wasalso a grief experience.

(03:16):
But it wasn't bereavement grief.
It was some version of what Iwould call ADHD grief.
And what I mean by that is that,and I'll talk concretely about
it in relation to my house andgetting things ready.
I've lived my whole life with anADHD brain, and getting certain
things in order in my house canbe really hard.
Keeping my house in order isextremely hard.
You know, if you ring my bell atany given moment, you're likely

(03:38):
to find some random piles oncountertops or tables.
And please don't open myclosets.
There is a chance that perhapsyou might find something that's
delightfully organized, but I dothink the odds are that in
reality you'll probably find abig old mess.
And how that impacts myday-to-day life is hard enough.
But when it comes to theholidays, when I want to be able
to find my outdoor decorationsfrom last year or locate the
treetopper for my Christmastree, it poses a whole nother

(04:01):
level of challenge.
And I was having this griefexperience of the mom that I
wish that I could be, or thevision of the Christmas magic
that I want to create for mykids that I'm not able to
create.
I felt the grief in not beingable to be that or have that or
do that.
And similarly to the bereavementgrief that I had around my dad,

(04:23):
this wasn't an experience of Ineeded to do more.
It wasn't like, oh, I need totry harder or I need to get more
organized or I need to figurethis out.
Even though I'm certainly in theprocess of growing and learning
and working with my ADHD and mybrain, appreciating its
strengths and figuring out howto build strategies that really
work for me that help me havethe life I want to have.
So that's definitely somethingthat's happening, but it wasn't

(04:45):
about that.
It wasn't about doing more oreven figuring things out.
It really was an experience of Ijust needed to take pause and be
with that grief.
Like, oh, this doesn't look theway that I wanted it to look or
that I wished that it wouldlook.
And I think that there was alsosome comparison torture grief
that was really in there becauseI do live in an area where

(05:05):
people I know have beautifullydecorated homes inside and out.
And they do so many beautifulholiday activities with their
kids.
And I know that this ishappening in the world.
And when I realize the extremegap between what I am able to do
and what some other peoplearound me are able to do,
there's grief in that experienceas well.
And there's a sense of loss.
And certainly if I allow it, itcan go into an I'm not good

(05:28):
enough place and I'm a failureplace.
But I was really able to not gointo that place, really hardly
at all.
Like maybe I touched it a littlebit, but that really wasn't what
the main message of theexperience was.
It was much more, again, both inthe experience with my dad and
with this ADHD grief experience,just acknowledging that and

(05:48):
allowing myself to feel thosefeelings.
And that was really, for me inthose moments, enough.
That's really what I needed.
And when I was able to do that,really acknowledge and allow the
grief, I was able to hold themand move through those feelings.
And moving through feelingsdoesn't mean that I didn't feel
those feelings anymore.

(06:09):
I still have grief and I willalways have feelings about the
loss of my dad.
And I don't know, maybe one dayI will have a home that's
decorated differently for theholidays.
But even still, that won't takeaway the loss of all of the
years that I didn't have that orwhen my kids were younger and I
wished I had that for them orwhatever that is.
So, like the loss is the loss,and that doesn't change, but I

(06:30):
wasn't stuck in the feeling andthe heaviness of that grief once
I acknowledged it.
And all of a sudden, I wasreally able to also hold this
incredible gratitude.
And I will share this storybecause to me, this is such an
example of how the universeworks, at least how I experience
the universe and how I interpretwhat's happening.
I had mentioned I had had adinner a week or two before my

(06:52):
dad's actual five-yearanniversary.
And it just so happened that onthe actual anniversary date of
my dad's death that there wasthis event, and I won't go into
too much detail about it just toprotect those who have not
consented to have me talkingabout them on my podcast.
But dear family friends of ourswho have known me since birth,
their child, who is now grown,had a special event.

(07:13):
And it just so happened to landon the date of my dad's actual
anniversary.
So I ended up being with all ofthese people, many of whom were
at the dinner just a week or twoprior.
And we were together, not inmemory of my dad, but in
celebration of our connectionand the the life that we were
all living.

(07:34):
And it was just so incrediblytouching and beautiful to me
that we weren't just checking abox.
We weren't just saying, like,oh, we got together for Tom's
anniversary.
We were together because we allwanted to be together.
And that felt really, reallyspecial to me to be able to
maintain these connections andnourish these connections, to be
able to be together with all ofthese people.

(07:56):
And we did a toast to my dad,and we, of course, talked about
my dad, and we knew that it wasthe anniversary, but it felt
like this universal gift that wewere together in this really
special way, and that it wasn'tdriven by the loss, it was
actually driven by our genuineconnection to one another.
And I had so much gratitude forthat.

(08:17):
So as you can probably hear orsee if you're watching the
video, I still get reallyemotional about it because of
the amount of gratitude that Ihad.
And it was in acknowledging thegrief that I was really able to
hold space for the depths of thegrief and also the depths of my
gratitude.
And very similarly, with thegrief around the loss of what I

(08:40):
haven't been able to accomplishby my own standard as a result
of my ADHD brain, I started toreally be able to hold so much
gratitude for how far I havecome.
Because I remember so clearlyChristmas has passed when my son
was younger and my husband wasstruggling and depressed, and
what those seasons looked like,which I will talk more about in
future episodes.

(09:01):
But in addition to that, justwhat ADHD looks like or how ADHD
has shown up over the holidays,and again, and me wanting to
provide holiday magic for my sonwhen he was small, and now, of
course, both my son and mydaughter, but having these kind
of like capacity issues, like aplace I just can't quite get to.
I can't get it all together inexactly the way that I'd like
to.

(09:21):
But seeing that I ordered myholiday cards already this year,
and they will probably be sentout before Christmas Eve Eve,
which in the past is when I hadgotten to send them out because
life was what it was, and Iwasn't able to bring that task
to priority quick enough untilChristmas was a day or two away.
And then I was like, oh my gosh,I have to spend all night long

(09:42):
making sure that all of thesecards get mailed and out before
Christmas.
And so they got out, but theyprobably didn't arrive at most
people's houses until after theholiday was over.
And also the years that I didn'teven make a holiday card because
I just couldn't get to it.
And again, I think that it was amix of ADHD and my life
circumstances, but I see how farI've come.

(10:02):
And my husband told me that oneof the mornings after we put up
our tree this year, our daughtercame downstairs and said
something like, Oh, it feelslike Christmas morning every
morning.
And I realized, oh my gosh,she's still experiencing the
magic of holidays, right?
She's still experiencing themagic of Christmas, even if I'm
not doing that hundred otherthings that I would like to be
doing.
And last year I started reallyconsciously focusing on having

(10:25):
my kids choose a couple ofactivities that felt really
important to them to do over theholidays that would make them
feel like we were doingsomething special and
celebratory.
And we did that last year andwe're continuing to do that this
year.
And I was able to really look atthe shift in how my holidays
have felt to me and to mychildren and really have a lot

(10:45):
of gratitude for that as well.
And the awareness that my griefand my gratitude don't in any
way cancel each other out,right?
Because if I take a moment and Ithink about my grief, whew, it's
right there, right?
But if I allow that, it'll findits way into gratitude.
And if I sit with my gratitudelong enough, it probably will
find its way back to grief,either thinking about my dad not
being here in the same way heused to be, or in thinking about

(11:08):
something that I wish I couldhave done differently in the
past that I just wasn't able todo and the loss of that.
But to be able to hold space forall of that, I think is really
the goal and the most importantthing.
At least it has been for me.
And knowing that there aremoments when I will be knocked
over by a wave of grief.
That is a very common griefexperience.
I know that intellectually, butI also know that experientially.

(11:32):
And I also know that mygratitude can shore me up in
those moments sometimes.
It can help lift me up so that Ican hold the grief.
Not so that I can forget thegrief or move on or let go of
necessarily, but just so that Ican be with all of those
feelings when they arise.
And from that place, it becomesvery clear to me, or it has been

(11:53):
becoming very clear to me,particularly over the last few
weeks, what I can and can'tcontrol.
And I cannot control whensomebody dies, especially
somebody that I love.
I cannot control the brain thatI was born with, and I can't
control how my past experiencesimpacted my brain and my nervous
system and how that does, infact, affect how I show up in

(12:16):
the world.
I can't change all of thosethings from happening or having
happened.
However, there are so manythings that I do have a choice
about and I do have the abilityto make decisions that can
create change for myself in howI experience all of those things
that I can't control.
And so I can choose toacknowledge my feelings and be

(12:36):
with my feelings, even whenthey're hard, which certainly
they sometimes are.
And I can control how I takecare of myself and how I talk to
myself in my head.
I can control who I reach outto, who I spend my time with,
from having the wonderful dinnerthat I had in celebration of my
dad, to the universe supportingme and being able to spend time
on my dad's anniversary withpeople who I loved so much, to

(12:58):
being able to reach out to myfriends and family when I'm
having these moments, or myhusband, I was able to share
with Ben and be vulnerable withhim in a different way than I
often am.
I definitely take on the role inmy relationship as the person
who just can kind of keep goingand I take care of stuff and I
do stuff.
And it's been a long time of meworking on me being able to slow
down and open up and bevulnerable and show my feelings

(13:19):
and show my needs and my softspots on all of those things
allow me to have more deeper,meaningful connections with all
of those people who I love somuch, including my husband Ben.
And I also have control overwhat I focus on and what I
choose to put my energy into.
For me, having an annual dinnerin celebration and memory of my

(13:41):
dad feels really nourishing andspecial.
And it's a tradition that Ireally love.
And so I continue doing that.
And when it comes to my houseover the holiday season or any
day perhaps, I can choose howmuch effort and energy I put
into that within my capacity.
And with compassion, I can dothat.
And my living room may neverlook like it came out of a scene
in a Hallmark movie, and maybeit'll never actually look like

(14:04):
that.
No matter how hard I work attrying to create strategies that
allow me to do more of what Iwant to do, and that's okay.
Maybe we need a new kind ofholiday Hallmark movie that
reflects a life that so many ofus are living, that the standard
is not perfection.
Because even for all of thoseamazing people whose houses are
so beautifully decorated and Iadmire so much, even they, I

(14:27):
have to imagine, feel in someway, somewhere, that they're
falling short of some standardof perfection because that's
what we're fed, that that's whatwe're supposed to do.
And maybe some of them aretotally content and happy, and I
hope that they are, but I knowfor me, the standard of
perfection of what I'm supposedto do or what I think I'm
supposed to do to create holidaymagic for my kids, or even in

(14:48):
the idea of how you handlegrief, like five years after my
dad died.
I think our society might say,like, I shouldn't have moments
where I'm bowled over by thosefeelings, like grief should be
over.
We live in a society that kindof wants to put that stuff in
the past.
But I don't think that it'srealistic and I don't really
think that it's helpful.
It certainly isn't helpful forme.
And I know that the holidays area time of grief for so many

(15:11):
people in a multitude ofdifferent ways.
And I really want to acknowledgethat.
And if you're having a griefexperience, this holiday season
where you are might be very,very different than where I am
in my grief process.
And please know that I'm nottrying to tell you that you
should be grateful right now ifyou're experiencing big grief.
Maybe you're not at the placewhere the gratitude is available
to you yet, or maybe you canhold space for both.

(15:33):
This is a very unique thing.
So I'd want to be clear that Iam not setting a message that if
you're grieving, just begrateful instead.
I am not saying that at all.
My message really is aboutholding space for all the grief,
for all the gratitude.
Open your arms and your heart toall of it.
And if you are ADHD orneurodivergent like me, then you
might know the very specialgrief and gratitude that can

(15:55):
come along with having that kindof brain.
But to know that all of that isimportant and being able to
acknowledge all of thosefeelings and hold all of those
feelings is so incrediblyvaluable because it will guide
you.
It'll tell you what you need andit'll help you see with clarity
what you can't control and whatyou can, and to know that you do
have a choice.
And so I hope that you make thechoices that are available to

(16:17):
you so that you can meetwhatever comes up for you this
holiday season with love andacceptance.
As our time comes to a close, Iask you to keep listening for
just a few more moments becauseI want to thank you for showing
up today.
And I want to leave you with aninvitation as you hit stop and
move back out into the world onyour own unique wellness

(16:37):
journey.
In order to move from where youare today to the place where you
want to be, the path may seemlong or unclear or unknown.
And I want you to know that ifthat seems scary or daunting or
downright terrifying or anythingelse, that is totally okay.
Know that you do not have tocreate the whole way all at

(16:59):
once.
We don't travel a whole journeyin one stride.
And that is why my invitation toyou today is to take a step,
just one.
Any type, any size, in anydirection.
It can be an external step thatcan be observed or measured, or
it could be a step you visualizetaking in your mind.
It can be a step towards actionor towards rest or connection or

(17:22):
self-care or whatever step makessense to you.
I invite you to take a steptoday because getting to a place
that feels better, more joyful,more connected than the place
where you are today is possiblefor everyone, including you, and
even when depression is in yourbed.
If today's episode resonatedwith you, please subscribe so

(17:44):
you can be notified when eachweekly episode gets released.
I encourage you to leave areview and reach out to me on
social media attrish.sanders.lcsw.
Your feedback will help guidefuture episodes, and I love
hearing from you.
Also, please share this podcastwith anyone who you think may be
interested or who may getsomething from what I have

(18:05):
shared.
Until the next time we connect,take care of yourself and take a
step.