Relearning Safety: Working With Your Nervous System to Create Habits of Rest

✨ Free Resource: Download my guide, 100 Practices That Can Increase Your Access to Rest & Renewal  — filled with simple, doable ways to rest your body, mind, and spirit.

These are small, easy to incorporate practices for eight kinds of rest — from physical and emotional to creative and communal and more.

👉 Grab your free copy here! (regulatedrelationships.kit.com/rest)

Feeling exhausted even after a full night’s sleep? We dig into why rest doesn’t land when your nervous system is stuck in go mode or collapses into shutdown, and how tiny, consistent signals of safety can rebuild your capacity for calm, connection, and real renewal. Drawing on polyvagal insights, I explain why forcing sleep backfires and why micro moments—90 seconds of breath, a soft gaze toward the horizon, warm hands around a mug, gentle rocking, or barefoot grounding—can do more than a once-a-year vacation. These small cues tell your body it’s safe enough to release, and repeated often, they rewire how you meet stress, settle at night, and wake with energy.

We unpack top-down versus bottom-up permission to rest. Affirmations like “My worth isn’t tied to productivity” can help, but many of us need embodied proof: steady breathing, soothing temperature, or rhythmic movement that convinces the nervous system more than words ever could. You’ll hear practical ways to stitch these moments into a busy day without overhauling your life, plus how to navigate perfectionism, missed days, and the urge to self-criticize. Consistency matters, but it doesn’t need to be rigid; imperfect practice still builds capacity.

We also explore co-regulation—resting with others in settings like restorative yoga, meditation groups, or quiet faith spaces—so you can borrow steadiness when solo slowing feels impossible. I share what shifted for me after years of running on fumes, and how a gentle, repeatable routine can replace late-day caffeine with genuine energy. Walk away with a clear, compassionate path: choose one small step today, repeat it often, and let safety lead you toward the kind of rest that actually restores. If the conversation helps, subscribe, leave a review, and share it with someone who needs a softer way to feel well.

If you and your partner are ready to co-create the roadmap to the relationship of your dreams, join us for the next in-person "Getting the Love You Want" Weekend Couples Retreat!

For support in how to have deeper connections and better communication in the relationships that matter most in your life, follow the host, Trish Sanders on Instagram , Bluesky or LinkedIn.

Episode Transcript

SPEAKER_00 (00:01):
Hello and welcome to the When Depression is in your
bed podcast.
Are you someone who longs tofeel well rested, but you either
find that it's just too hard foryou to slow down, or no matter
how much sleep you get, you justnever seem to feel restored?
If so, please listen to today'sepisode in which I continue the
conversation about rest and howto work with your nervous system

(00:21):
to heal the impact of trauma andstress so that you can finally
feel renewed.
I'm your host, Trish Sanders,and I am delighted that you are
here.
Let's get started.
In the last episode, I talkedabout how our autonomic nervous
system is shaped by trauma andstress and our life experiences
in general, and how the impactof those things can actually

(00:42):
damage our physical capacity forrestorative rest.
Many of us have systems thathave learned that it's not safe
to slow down.

And so we get stuck in go mode: go, go, go, do, do, do, never (00:51):
undefined
rest, never stopping, a lot ofanxiety, racing thoughts,
trouble falling asleep at night,that sort of thing.
Or some of us find that when wetry to go into slowdown, our
systems actually go intoshutdown, which are not the same
thing.
And when our system goes into abiological shutdown, we don't

(01:12):
have the capacity for thatrestorative rest either.
So in either case, restorationand renewal is not physically
accessible.
And if you want to hear moreabout that, you can check out my
last episode or any of my recentepisodes.
I think that I'm on episode sixright now of talking about rest
because I think it's such anincredible topic that so many of
us don't feel well rested andwe're going through our day in

(01:34):
survival mode, running on fumesand feeling frustrated that we
can't do all the things that wewant to do.
And I think very often we'reasking our systems to do more
than we really have capacity todo as a human being.
One person can only really do somuch, but we're really asking a
lot from our systems and notable to give ourselves the rest
we need to biologicallyfunction.

(01:55):
So today I'm going to talk abouthow to help heal your nervous
system to be able to experiencerestorative rest so you can
finally get that sense ofrenewal that you're longing for.
I will be talking about theconcepts of how to stretch into
creating habits of rest that canreally begin to get you to where
you want to be.

(02:15):
I also want to mention that Ihave a free resource that has
100 practices that can help makerest and renewal more accessible
to everyone.
And you can go toregulatedrelationships.kit.com
forward slash rest if you wantto download that free guide.
It's a really great pairing withthe information I'm going to
share today.
There'll also be a link in myshow notes below if you want to

(02:37):
just go and click the link toget that free resource.
So one of the most importantthings to really understand if
you're stuck in a state of neverreally feeling rested and never
getting to that sense of feelingrenewed and waking up feeling
alert and bright-eyed andbushy-tailed and ready for the
day is that for many of us, ouractual nervous system in a
biological way needs to relearnthe capacity for rest, which

(03:00):
takes some time because many ofus have the experience, whether
we're conscious of it or not,but our systems know that we
hold the idea that slowing downis dangerous.
Stillness can be dangerous.
And I again I talked about thata lot in the last episode and in
recent episodes.
If you want to hear more aboutthat, but today I'm going to
talk about the process ofhelping your nervous system
relearn that stillness andslowing down is actually safe.

(03:26):
And that will help you restoreyour capacity to get where you
really want to be, so that youcan wake up, maybe not always
hopping right out of bed, youknow, even when you're feeling
well rested, you might wake upfeeling a bit groggy, but within
a few minutes, you can actuallyget back waking up feeling like,
wow, I'm rested and ready forthe day.
Which I have to tell you, assomebody who's been working on
my own rest practices for thelast few years, waking up and

(03:48):
feeling like I have energy andthen moving through my day and
not feeling like I have to reachfor caffeine in the late
afternoon, which has been mylifelong practice, my morning
caffeine and my afternooncaffeine to be able to get
through the day has been totallyincredible.
And that's really why I'msharing this with you today,
because I really think thateveryone is entitled to rest to
biological need.
And I want to help supporteverybody get the rest that they

(04:10):
need so we can keep going anddoing all the important things
that we want and need to do.
So if you've ever tried to forceyourself to rest, you may have
realized that this is not ahelpful approach.
Like when you're laying in bedand you're trying to fall
asleep, and the more you'reactively trying to fall asleep,
the harder it is to fall asleep.
You can't really say sleep nowand have your body respond.
It just doesn't work that way.

(04:31):
So the reshaping process, andthis is, I think, one of the
very exciting things about ournervous system, is that when I
said earlier that lifeexperiences shape our nervous
system, any and all lifeexperiences have impact.
So if your nervous system has atsome point learned that it needs
to be in protective mode, andthat's where you tend to be
stuck, your nervous system canalso relearn how to experience

(04:54):
groundedness and connection andfeeling safe enough.
And I find that very excitingand very hopeful.
And the way to do this reshapingprocess is often slower than we
would like it to be.
In polyvagal theory, which Italk about a lot, which was
created by Dr.
Stephen Porgis, they talk aboutthe micro moments that create
healing.
And so little teeny micromoments accumulate over time to

(05:16):
create real change.
And so a lot of the time, andthis is true in a lot of habits
in general, but today I'mtalking about the experience of
rest.
We often want to be able to havechange happen now.
And a lot of the changes that wewant to see happen right now, we
try to force or push or makehappen, or we take a big bite.
If you think about New Year'sresolutions, we often want to do
it all.
I'm gonna go to the gym fivedays a week and I'm gonna start

(05:38):
this new habit and it's fullform and they don't stick,
right?
And so we know this about habitformation.
And this is the same exactprocess when we're talking about
healing our nervous system thatwe can't necessarily create this
giant change.
Like if you're somebody who goesto bed at 2 a.m.
and tonight you start trying togo to sleep at 10 p.m., it
probably won't work.
And so we need to be aware thatmicro moments, these little tiny

(06:02):
changes that we can do.
And this is why I created thatfree resource I mentioned
before, because there's ahundred small practices that you
can begin to incorporate intoyour life that can help you to
reshape your nervous system andto help teach your nervous
system that slowing down is safeenough now, even if in your
childhood that was not true.
Or as I've been mentioning, inyour ancestry, in your lineage,

(06:25):
if your ancestors had theexperience that slowing down was
not safe or that they pushed sohard all day that their body
went into biological shutdown atnight just to get by.
If that's what you're carryingin your bones, in your DNA, then
using micro moments can helpreshape your system so that you
can have a totally newexperience and a new
relationship with rest.

(06:45):
And consistency is reallyimportant, but for me, I can
tell you that consistency is notsomething that I strongly
identify as being very good at.
It has historically been reallyhard for me to maintain a habit
in a consistent way.
If that applies to you, Itotally understand.
And it's still possible andprobably even more possible than
you think because we're aimingfor micro moments, these tiny

(07:06):
changes.
We're not making big asks.
We're not talking about makinggiant changes.
And so you might need a littlesupport incorporating these
things or building consistencyinto your practice.
But with the help of alarms orlittle notes, putting things in
your calendar, stuff like that,you can actually help remind
yourself to keep these habitsgoing.

(07:27):
You can pick tiny little newpractices to incorporate into
your everyday.
And if you continue to do them,they will continue to impact
your nervous system and help itheal.
The way I like to explain thisis if you think about the idea,
if you are someone who goes onvacation, let's say once a year,
which many of us don't even taketime to slow down and rest for a
vacation.
But if you go on, let's say, aone-week vacation every single

(07:48):
summer, that's great.
However, you may have noticedfor many of us, when you go on
vacation, there's a lot ofstress going into preparing to
leave for the vacation.
And then you get on the vacationand it takes time for your
nervous system to actually startto release and let go and rest.
And then you have to ramp backup to prepare for the vacation
to end and to go back home.
And a lot of time, people comehome from vacation not feeling

(08:10):
like they rested and feelingthat they often eat a vacation
from their vacation.
And if you're somebody whoactually can disconnect and go
on that one vacation a year,that's fantastic.
That's very exciting.
And I hope that you enjoy it andyou take advantage of that.
However, if you only go on onevacation once a year, your
nervous system will not have theconsistency it needs to be
reshaped.
And so that's really, reallyimportant.

(08:31):
It's the same idea if you wentto the gym and did an amazing
workout once a year, you wouldnot build any muscles.
And so this is a practice thatyou have to be consistent.
But again, it's a reallyachievable and accessible
practice if you realize that thechanges you're making are just
little tiny baby steps one at atime.
And I've always said baby stepsget you where you're going as

(08:51):
long as you keep taking them.
And this is very much thisprocess.
So keep taking those baby stepsand you will get the rest that
you deserve.
And if you are a perfectionistlike me, or I like to think of
myself as a perfectionist inrecovery working on that, but I
even now find myself beingjudgmental or critical of myself
when I try to do something andit doesn't look the way that I

(09:12):
imagined it to look.
And so this process is going tobe totally imperfect, messy,
inconsistent at times.
And that is okay.
Because if you beat yourself upalong the process, it's not
actually going to help in anyway.
What ends up actually happeningis, for example, let's say you
decide, okay, I want to start mymornings with a 90-second breath
work or 90 second meditation.

(09:32):
And I want to do it every singleday.
And let's say for the first fewdays, it works really well.
But then there's a morning whenthe alarm goes off and you're
just too tired and you shut thealarm.
And then when you wake up, itends up that you're running late
now and you have to jump intothe shower to get ready to go
wherever you have to be.
And so you miss that day.
And then you're like, oh mygosh, I was doing it for a few
days and now I failed.
And if you start to talk toyourself that way, you're going

(09:53):
to put your system into survivalmode again because you're
attacking yourself.
Your nervous system is probablyin sympathetic mode, which is
your fight or flight response,and your fight mode is being
directed at yourself.
And yourself is going to reactand probably push back.
And a lot of the time that cancreate inner turmoil and you end
up getting stuck in this innerfight instead of having

(10:14):
compassion for yourself andsaying, like, whoa, well, you
know, doing it imperfectly iscertainly better than not doing
it.
And this is a process.
And I'm going to be gentle withmyself in this process.
And maybe you decide, oh, I'llmeditate for 90 seconds later
today when I have more time, ormaybe I'll just begin again
tomorrow.
The next really important thingis giving yourself permission to
rest.
And there's a couple ofdifferent ways to do this.

(10:35):
It's really important to talkabout both top-down ways of
giving permission as well asbottom-up ways of giving
permission.
So let me tell you what I mean.
Top-down ways of givingpermission are things that start
in your head and you send amessage down to your body.
So that's thinking about things,that's using words.
And you might actually say toyourself, I'm allowed to rest.
Rest is biologically important.

(10:57):
Rest is biologically necessary.
My worth isn't tied to myproductivity.
I am giving myself permission toslow down.
I'm giving myself permission topause.
Those are fantastic.
And if you tell yourself thatand that works, keep telling
yourself that and keep going,creating more and more
micromoments so that you cancontinue to expand your habits

(11:17):
of rest.
However, for many of us, tellingour body something doesn't
always work because the nervoussystem is constantly assessing
our internal environment, ourexternal environment, and the
space between us and others.
So the relationships we havewith others.
And if it's getting a felt senseof something not being okay, if
we have learned that it is notokay to slow down and our brain

(11:38):
is telling our body, hey, it'sokay to slow down.
Our nervous system says, uh, no,it's not, and it doesn't believe
our brain.
And so this is sometimes aproblem with top-down
approaches.
Like I said, if it works foryou, great.
But if it doesn't work for you,you might want to think about
how to create bottom-upapproaches to giving yourself
permission.
I would refer to this asembodied permission because it

(11:59):
really starts in your physicalbody so that it sends a message
up to your brain.
Ah, my body is safe.
My system feels safe.
I experience cues of safety inthe environment.
And then your brain gets thesignal, it's okay, we're safe
enough.
All is well.
You can let your guard down.
And that is often a much morehelpful approach.

(12:20):
So, how do you do this?
Well, there's lots of ways andyou can experiment and play.
Many of these things are on thefree resource that I created,
but just some ideas.
You can start a groundingpractice, like just feeling your
feet on the floor or feelingyourself in your seat.
You can actually go outsidewalking grass or put your hands
on the earth, those sorts ofthings.
They actually send that messageto your brain that you're safe

(12:43):
because you're feeling thesupport that's there for you.
And so that could be a reallyhelpful practice.
Breath work, of course, can bevery helpful.
It's not true for every singleperson.
Sometimes people experiencebreath as dysregulating, but for
many, it's a great way to slowdown and to send that message to
your brain because when we're infight or flight mode, when we're
fighting or running, we're oftenbreathing really fast, like

(13:03):
right.
And if we're stuck in dorsal,that shutdown experience, we may
be breathing infrequently orvery slowly or even missing
breaths, like little moments ofstopping our breath.
And so if we breathe slowly andconsistently, then our brain
gets the message, like, oh,okay, everything is safe here.
But like I said, it's not alwaystrue for everybody.

(13:23):
So you can experiment foryourself.
You can also play with rockingor swaying, some sort of gentle
movement that can be reallysoothing for a lot of people, as
can playing with temperature.
If you think about having a warmcup of tea and just holding the
cup before you even take a sip,that can be a very soothing
experience that conveys safetyto our body.
You also can keep a soft gaze orlook out into the horizon

(13:46):
gently.
And the reason this works isbecause if you think about, you
know, when you're again in fightmode, you're probably holding a
very intense gaze and reallylasering in on the possible
threat.
And so softening your gaze,looking around, orienting
yourself to your space, yourroom, allowing yourself to look
out into the distance canactually help your body learn
that you're in a safeenvironment and can kind of help

(14:09):
flick the switch from I'm notfeeling safe to I'm feeling safe
or safe enough.
And also, and this is somethingthat I really try to do,
something that I work with.
And sometimes I'm doing a reallygreat job, and sometimes I'm
doing it very imperfectly, butbeing able to take short pauses
throughout your day can be very,very helpful because again, when
you're like, I have to go, Ihave to do the next thing, I
have to do the next thing, whichis a space that I often live in.

(14:29):
Like, what's next?
What's next?
What's next?
And my day is stacked back toback with activities a lot of
the time and things I have todo, clients and meetings and all
of that.
And if I just take pause justfor even a minute and just
breathe and allow my system toreset, it does wonders in a
cumulative way over the courseof my day.
So these are all ways to let ourbody know that we're safe and it

(14:50):
can again send that message upto our brain where it can be
received.
And I want you to think aboutco-regulation.
And in this case, as it pertainsto rest, co-regulation is being
with another, being safelyconnected to another person and
with rest and renewal, these canbe beautiful practices because
the idea of slowing downtogether and being in a space of
quiet, of stillness.

(15:11):
And I've talked about this inrecent episodes.
And again, there's examples ofthis on the resource that's
available for you where you canslow down, like in a meditation
class or in a restorative yogaclass, or you can go to a place
of worship and being able toconnect with other people and
rebalance your nervous systemwith the help and support of
other people's nervous systems.

(15:32):
It's a really beautiful andpowerful practice.
And if you're having troubleslowing down on your own, this
is a really wonderful option.
So I invite you to think aboutthe ways that you can begin to
stretch into creating thesehabits of rest that can reshape
your nervous system to increaseyour capacity to actually feel
restored and to be able to slowdown with your nervous system in

(15:53):
a ventral state, which is yournervous system state of safety,
so that you can actually receiverest that you're looking for.
And I have to tell you that forme, this process truly began
with a shift of self-love andself-care that I've talked about
on the podcast before.
But I really got to a placearound when I turned 40 that I
realized that if I didn't starttaking better care of myself, I

(16:16):
was not going to be able tosustain the way I was living and
certainly not be able to get tothe goals that I wanted to
achieve because I was I justcouldn't do enough to get far
enough because I didn't haveenough fuel to run on.
I was always busy, I was alwaysoverwhelmed.
I had too much on my plate.
And I really got to a placewhere I was like, I can't keep
going like this.
I need to start taking care ofmyself.
And so the care came first, theidea of care.

(16:38):
And it wasn't so easy to receivecare.
And a lot of that had to do withmy nervous system and how my
nervous system had been shapedthrough my experiences and the
idea of taking care of myselfand truly deeply loving myself
didn't always feel accessible.
Certainly it did in certainmoments, but it wasn't something
that I was able to sustain for along period of time.
But as I started to take littletiny micro moments of self-care,

(16:59):
I started to really shape mysystem.
And over time, I was able toreally shift to noticing when I
wasn't taking care of myself thenegative impact that it had on
my system.
I was like, ooh, this feeldoesn't feel good.
This doesn't feel like mynormal, familiar as it has for
much of my life.
And so I've really been able tobenefit over the last five years
from being able to see how myconscious choices have impacted

(17:20):
my nervous system.
And if self-love or self-carefeels inaccessible to you or
like a luxury or something thatyou can't quite reach yet,
starting with the idea ofperhaps thinking about what does
feel accessible, either treatingyourself with respect or even
just thinking about it in termsof biologically what all humans
need to survive.

(17:41):
And then to be able to think,well, how can I move beyond
surviving into thriving?
What would that look like?
How can I think about that?
And if you're having trouble, ofcourse, getting support, therapy
or coaching or whatever makessense to you, getting support
from a friend or anybody whomight be able to support you
through this journey.
Because even though I would loveit for everyone to just be able
to be totally open to takingcare of themselves, I know that

(18:03):
that's not really always truefor all of us.
Again, it certainly wasn't truefor me, but over time there's
been such incredible shifts forme.
And I'm really excited andhopeful that you can experience
shifts like that as well.
Because I know that you might belistening to this and think to
yourself, like, yeah, slowingdown sounds great.
You know, like for me, Idefinitely had people tell me
over my life, well, just go tobed earlier or just slow down or

(18:25):
don't do so much or take iteasy, which sounds good in
theory, but it just wasn't achoice that I could make at the
time.
The idea of going to bed earlierthat felt totally impossible to
me, really, until prettyrecently.
I knew that going to bed earlierwould benefit me, but I couldn't
physically get to bed earlier.
And so if you feel that way,like, yeah, of course, doing

(18:45):
these healthy things soundsgood, but you know, dot, dot,
dot, I really hear you, I seeyou, I know that it can be hard.
Please, please, please take thepressure off.
Don't think about what youshould be doing or how this
should be, or even the end goalof what you want this to
ultimately look like.
Please think about one step thatyou can take today.

(19:05):
And if you allow yourself todrop down into your body, out of
your head, not thinking, but toask your system what could feel
restful for you today?
What's accessible for you today?
What do you need?
You might be surprised that youmay receive an answer that you
hadn't expected.
So, in closing, please rememberthat rest becomes restorative
when your body feels safe enoughand you can help your nervous
system relearn what safety feelslike.

(19:27):
It's very possible.
And it might be, as I saidearlier, a slower process than
you want it to be.
It may take many months orlonger, but if you start today,
you will be somewhere differenta few months or a few years from
now.
As our time comes to a close, Iask you to keep listening for
just a few more moments becauseI want to thank you for showing
up today.
And I want to leave you with aninvitation as you hit stop and

(19:51):
move back out into the world onyour own unique wellness
journey.
In order to move from where youare today to the place where you
want to be, the path may seemlong or unclear or unknown.
And I want you to know that ifthat seems scary or daunting or
downright terrifying or anythingelse, that is totally okay.

(20:12):
Know that you do not have tocreate the whole way all at
once.
We don't travel a whole journeyin one stride.
And that is why my invitation toyou today is to take a step,
just one.
Any type, any size, in anydirection.
It can be an external step thatcan be observed or measured, or
it could be a step you visualizetaking in your mind.

(20:34):
It can be a step towards actionor towards rest or connection or
self-care or whatever step makessense to you.
I invite you to take a steptoday because getting to a place
that feels better, more joyful,more connected than the place
where you are today is possiblefor everyone, including you, and

(20:55):
even when depression is in yourbed.
If today's episode resonatedwith you, please subscribe so
you can be notified when eachweekly episode gets released.
I encourage you to leave areview and reach out to me on
social media attrish.sanders.lcsw.
Your feedback will help guidefuture episodes, and I love
hearing from you.

(21:15):
Also, please share this podcastwith anyone who you think may be
interested or who may getsomething from what I have
shared.
Until the next time we connect,take care of yourself and take a
step.