May 28, 2025 • 23 mins
Are you caught up just going through the motions each day? Stuck in a cycle that doesn't feel terrible but certainly doesn't feel good either? That familiar static place can become surprisingly comfortable, even as it drains our sense of aliveness and meaning.
Today we explore how to break free using what I call the "Take-a-Step Approach" – a gentle, biology-based method that works with your nervous system instead of against it. Instead of forcing massive change through willpower (which rarely works), we focus on accessible micro-steps involving your senses, movement, rest, and playfulness that create sustainable shifts toward the life you truly desire.
The biology behind our stuckness explains why change feels so difficult. When our dorsal vagal system activates, we experience that familiar shutdown, collapse, and freeze response. This isn't a character flaw – it's a protective mechanism designed to keep us safe. Understanding this completely transforms how we approach healing. Rather than blaming ourselves for not "just doing better," we can work with our nervous system's natural pathways toward regulation.
Some of the most powerful steps involve anchoring through sensory experiences – truly tasting that piece of chocolate instead of mindlessly consuming it, feeling the weight of a blanket, or gazing at nature through your window. These simple actions activate the ventral vagal pathway – our biological route to feeling safe, connected, and alive.
We'll also explore why genuine rest differs dramatically from depression (hint: one restores while the other depletes), and why playfulness – so often dismissed as frivolous – might be exactly what your nervous system needs to experience freedom and joy again. Each small step builds neural pathways that make the next step easier, gradually creating momentum toward the life you want.
Whether you're struggling with depression or simply feel disconnected from what brings you alive, this episode offers practical, compassionate ways to begin moving forward today. Remember: you don't need to create the whole path at once – just take a single step.
- If you are looking to take the first step towards improving your connection and communication with your partner, check out this FREE monthly webinar on "Becoming a Conscious Couple,".
- If you and your partner are ready to co-create the roadmap to the relationship of your dreams, join us for the next in-person "Getting the Love You Want" Weekend Couples Retreat!
For support in how to have deeper connections and better communication in the relationships that matter most in your life, follow the host, Trish Sanders on Instagram , Bluesky or LinkedIn.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
Hello and welcome to the when Depression is in your
Bed podcast.
Are you caught up just goingthrough the motions day to day?
Are you stuck in a cycle thatdoesn't feel terrible but it
also doesn't feel good?
If so, join me today as I talkabout how to take a step using
your senses, movement, rest andplayfulness in order to begin to
move towards your best life.
(00:22):
I'm your host, trish Sanders.
Let's get started.
Today is the third episode inwhat I think will be a
four-episode series that divesinto the take-a-step approach
and discusses specific thingsthat you can do in order to step
your way out of the stucknessthat you're experiencing and
move into creating a life thatfeels joyfully, alive, connected
(00:47):
, meaningful and uniquely suitedto you and your desires.
Does that sound good to you?
I really hope so and I hopethat I can help get you there.
And if it sounds too good to betrue, then I encourage you, if
it makes sense, to keeplistening and see if you connect
to anything, because changingyour life for the better may
(01:07):
actually be more possible andmore accessible than you realize
.
If you've been feeling stuck inyour relationships and in your
life, then the take a stepapproach may be immensely
helpful for you because it workswith your nervous system
instead of against it.
Our biology the actual nervesthat make up different parts of
(01:28):
our nervous system actually cantransmit messages slowly and can
contribute to progress beingslow or feeling slower than we
want it to feel, andunderstanding this is completely
vital because it can help usshift from feeling frustrated
that we're not getting farenough, fast enough, or we're
not sustaining our progress, orit can help us to not blame and
(01:51):
shame and hate on ourselvesbecause we're somehow defective,
because we don't know how to dowhat we really want to do or we
can't get unstuck, and it canbegin to allow us to have a
little bit of self-compassionfor ourselves because we
understand what's actuallyhappening on a biological level
and we can use that knowledge tobegin to create a path towards
(02:11):
the life that we really want tolive.
In the last episode, I exploredvarious steps you can take
towards connection and breath.
Today, I will talk about stepstowards your senses, movement,
rest and playfulness.
Steps towards your senses,movement, rest and playfulness.
Taking a step that allows youto anchor in ventral through
(02:33):
your senses can be profoundlypowerful.
Focusing on your sensoryexperience can help you take a
step towards being lifted out ofa dorsal experience and moving
into a more ventral experiencewhere you feel that calm
grounding that can help you totake action or take rest or take
care of yourself in the waythat you really need.
And for many of us though ofcourse not all, especially in
(02:53):
today's world where you are inthis exact moment, is probably
safe.
Again, I know very well thatthis does not apply to everyone
in the world right now, but formany of us who are privileged to
be sitting in a safe room,anchoring through your five
senses can be really helpful andcan be very available.
So, thinking about what thatcan look like, listening to
(03:13):
music can be incredibly helpful.
It is often recommended tolisten to calming music to
support regulation.
I have to say, when I'm in adepressive episode, I tend to
listen to music that is probablynot considered calming by many
people.
I sort of listen to somethingthat probably would be
considered emo or metalcore orsomething like that, and for me
that can help feeling myheartbeat.
(03:35):
I notice that that can help mefeel alive.
I also have noticed the morethat I regulate and am able to
anchor in more of a ventralexperience.
I do notice that my taste ofmusic is expanding and I am
liking more calming, morepeaceful, beautiful music than
I've ever liked before, which isvery interesting and I will
talk about, I'm sure, on anotherepisode.
(03:56):
But again, tune into what worksfor you and what feels like
it's taking a step towards theplace you wanna be.
So, whatever kind of music youwanna listen to, and if it feels
like you've been able to moveinto a place that feels a little
bit better than where you justwere, then I would say, go with
it and keep tuning in.
You can also, of course, useyour sense of smell.
(04:16):
There's a lot of aromatherapyout there.
I love lavender and useessential oils for many
different things.
I have oil diffusers around sothat I can have the smell of
lavender easily accessible to mewhen I want it.
I have sage leaves and thingslike that.
There's candles, that kind ofthing.
You can have a smell thatreminds you of somewhere you've
(04:36):
been or something you've done,or even someone that you've been
connected to and love and holdwarmly in your heart, and you
have that kind of scentavailable that can be very
regulating and really start toanchor you in that ventral
experience.
When we anchor in ventral.
It helps us move out of dorsal.
So that's the step.
We want to invite some energyin that helps lift us.
(04:57):
So that's the movement that I'mlooking to create through
talking about this sensoryexperience.
If I think about anchoringsometimes, I think about that as
the opposite of moving.
If you're anchored, you'rebeing held.
Still, anchoring at ventralactually can pull you out of the
dorsal experience.
So that's what I'm reallytalking about.
And, of course, you can usetaste to elicit some sensory
experience that is nourishing ordelicious.
(05:19):
I love chocolate and I will saythat, for me, if I think about
putting one chocolate coveredalmond in my mouth and letting
it melt and really tasting itand being present and savoring
it, that is the kind ofexperience we're looking for,
which is different than if I poptwo or three chocolate almonds
in my mouth, you know, while I'mwalking through the kitchen,
and then pop another two orthree in my mouth and I don't
(05:40):
even notice that I eat them.
That's not anchoring in asensory experience and that
could actually be a sign ofdysregulation.
If you're mindlessly eating,that's definitely something that
I do when I'm dysregulated, Ifind myself mindlessly eating.
But this is the experience ofactually really being present
and, of course, with touch.
There's things like weightedblankets or fuzzy blankets or
(06:00):
fidget toys or things like that,that good to touch and that
really bring you into a sensoryexperience of being able to
connect in a tactile way.
And then, looking around, usingyour sight, I really like to
look out my back door in mykitchen because I can see my
backyard and I can see trees andgrass.
That's something I use a lotand for me that's an experience
(06:20):
where I can feel reallyconnected to nature and I feel
really rejuvenated and restoredand I feel grounded and calmed
and so that all happens justfrom looking out my window.
So that can be something.
If you have a picture that youlike to look at or something, I
really encourage you to thinkabout what you could put around
you that helps with creatingthose ventral anchors that lift
(06:41):
you and help you take stepstowards where you really want to
be and how you really want tofeel.
You can also take a steptowards movement, and, I would
add, in gentle movement.
If you want to take a steptowards movement that feels
bigger or more active, that'salso totally welcome if that's
accessible for you.
But movement can be trulytransformative, especially when
we're talking about coming outof that dorsal experience.
(07:02):
Because if you think aboutdorsal from a biological
perspective, it is the state ofshutdown, collapse,
immobilization and freezing,right.
All of that is the opposite ofmoving.
And so it might feel reallytough to think about moving,
like if you think about somebodywho's in a really severe
depression and can't move out ofbed and it seems ridiculous,
(07:23):
like why they can't just get upand go brush their teeth while
their nervous system is in astate of freezing for survival
and protection.
Movement feels impossible incertain moments.
And so if you think about thatas an extreme example, you can
start to picture why movementmight feel so hard.
We're frozen to protectourselves, we're hiding to
protect ourselves, we'reimmobilized because we think if
(07:45):
we move we will be harmed insome way.
Right?
So from a biologicalperspective, our nervous system
makes movement difficult, and sowhen we can notice, okay, I'm
not in any danger, my nervoussystem is perceiving some sort
of danger.
Obviously, but what kind ofmovement feels like it might be
accessible.
So that's why I qualify itsaying gentle movement, because
(08:06):
this can literally be justmoving, it could be walking, it
could be just stretching, andthose can be really helpful
things and can be reallynourishing, just to start to get
yourself to move out of thatfreeze that stuck that numb
place, and it can be reallybeneficial.
I personally like yoga quite abit.
I find that to be moreaccessible a lot of the time
(08:28):
than doing something that isperhaps more intense.
Although when I'm really wellanchored in a ventral state and
I have some really healthy,sympathetic energy going that's
supporting my movement, then Ireally love exercising.
I love biking and strengthtraining and that kind of stuff.
But sometimes that doesn't feelaccessible for me.
But yoga or gentle stretchingor foam rolling, things like
that that feels more availableto me a lot of the time so I'll
(08:51):
allow myself to start there.
Or something like dancing alsomight feel more accessible to me
, like a dance party with mykids sometimes feels available,
even if a full workout doesn'tfeel like I can manage that at
the moment.
So again, playing with thisexperience and seeing what kind
of movement feels available anddoable to you with compassion,
like feeling mad at yourselfbecause you can't do the workout
(09:11):
you plan to do, can becounterproductive.
But if you say, okay, theworkout I plan doesn't feel like
I can make that happen today.
What can I do instead?
Can I do 90 seconds ofstretching?
And you might say like well,that's ridiculous, that's not
enough, that's not good enoughor that's not what I wanted to
do.
But if you can allow yourselfto start somewhere, then you can
take another step.
And that's really the gift inthis strategy If you can take
(09:33):
one step with compassion andself-love and some grace and
some kindness, you're probablylikely to be able to take
another step.
If you beat yourself up alongthe way, you're likely to create
more of an environment ofthreat where you have to protect
yourself more, which can looklike you shutting down and
withdrawing even further.
So please keep that in mind asyou take any step towards
movement or any other step.
(09:54):
Again, the dorsal experience isa state of immobilized freeze,
biologically speaking.
So movement can feel reallyhard, and I will say that, even
though I do think that gettingto a place where you can feel
the ability to move it can betotally liberating and really
freeing.
Again, getting there can betough.
So this is a really good placeto take a step using
(10:15):
visualization, and so you juststart in your mind being able to
play with maybe a time when youwere able to go on a walk in a
beautiful place, you know,walking through nature or
walking down a beach orsomething like that.
Or it could be a time when youwere dancing and you were really
enjoying it and you can allowthat experience of when you had
(10:36):
been able to move.
Or maybe, if that feels sad,like oh, I was able to do that
then, but I'm not able to do itanymore Then just imagine
something you would like to doin the future.
If that feels safer Again, playwith it and see what feels more
accessible to you and start toenvision those things and see if
you can allow some of thatexperience to come alive in your
nervous system, even as youstay perfectly still.
(10:57):
And perhaps as you increaseyour ability to have that come
alive in your system, you mayfind maybe today, maybe tomorrow
, maybe in a few days, maybenext week, you'll be able to
actually move into the physicalexperience of movement, even if
it's not available to you rightnow.
So it's just something again toplay with and see what really
(11:17):
works for you.
I talked about this in my lastepisode a bit as well, but I
really want to emphasize theidea of taking a step towards
rest and just remind you that,at least from my own experience,
depression can be a warm, comfy, familiar blanket wrapped
around us and yet at the sametime it's also not just warm and
(11:38):
snuggly and safe.
It's also a very painful, empty, miserable, stuck that comes
along with feeling depressed andthat obviously is not very
comfortable at all.
And it's also really drainingto be in that experience where
it's like, oh, we feel safe andwarm and protected in our
depression blanket, but alsoit's miserable and depleting and
(12:00):
I'm aware of all the thingsthat I'm not doing, that I'm
supposed to be doing or thatneed to be done, or even that I
want to do and feel incapable ofdoing, and I feel like I'm
disappointed in me and everyoneelse is disappointed in me, and
there's just like layers andlayers of what just sucks energy
out of us, and so it seemssometimes counterintuitive to
think of a depressed personneeding rest, because it might
(12:22):
seem like that's all they'redoing is resting, they're doing
nothing, they're not doing muchof anything, so really they need
more rest.
And we can feel that way aboutourselves.
We can be pretty mean toourselves, I know I can and
think like, well, really is whatI need rest.
But I want you to start tothink about this because,
biologically speaking, thefunction of our nervous system
having the option to be in adorsal state is and you might
(12:44):
have heard this term before restand digest.
It's the shutdown our bodyneeds to go in to conserve
energy and replenish and restore.
So there's this really powerfulfunction in the dorsal
experience, right?
So if you can start to shiftthis and think, hmm, my dorsal
vagal system came online forsome reason, and if it came
(13:06):
online, that must mean that it'strying to protect me from
something.
And perhaps it's a feeling ofoverwhelm, like too much is
going on, or maybe I feel like Idon't have the resources that I
need right now to handlesomething, or I don't know how
to do something.
So I need a rest, I need amoment.
How can I let myself take abreak?
How can I let myself take thatbreather that my system is
(13:26):
telling me I need Now?
This might be hard for a lot ofpeople and it really was a huge
aha moment for me not that longago, because for me, and
perhaps for you as well, I knowit's true for many that when
we're in a state of overwhelm,when we're stressed out when our
to-do lists are in a healthy,restful way, and it's not
(13:52):
restful to be depressed andavoidant and distracting
yourself from your to-do listit's not restful at all.
But we don't really think aboutslowing down when there's so
much to be done, right.
But yet that's actually whatour systems might really be
longing for and biologicallyneeding for us to be able to do
the tasks that we actually needto do or want to do.
And also we do not live in asociety that really values time
(14:17):
to recuperate, to rest.
Especially in the US, where Iam, we do not get a lot of
vacation days.
We are not encouraged to takevacation days.
People, if they don't use alltheir paid time off, they often
will get bonuses or some sort ofreward.
Sometimes they'll just lose thedays if you don't use them.
You just don't get the days.
They don't roll over the nextyear.
(14:37):
So we are not encouraged as asociety to slow down and take a
rest, and so it can feel veryselfish or wrong, or we can feel
like there's something wrongwith us If we say, hey, you know
what.
I'm actually going to slow down, I'm going to take a break here
.
Going to slow down, I'm goingto take a break here, and that
can feel like somethingabsolutely negative, right,
something really awful for us todo.
However, if we start to reallyunderstand that this is a
(14:59):
biological need rest and digestis a thing that our system
really needs and if we can giveourselves the rest that our
nervous system is actuallylonging for, in a true way of
saying, this is going to be atime of restoration for me.
I'm going to get to my to-dolist.
I just need to take a realbreak that feels like a break,
not where I avoid stuff and thenI feel worse afterwards.
(15:20):
That's not the kind of breakI'm talking about.
Then we can start to reallycreate some shifts.
So please remember that takinga step towards true rest can be
exactly what your system needs,and it totally counts as taking
a step right.
So when someone says dosomething, why don't you just do
something?
Sometimes you say I am doingsomething, I'm taking really
quality rest time.
It may or may not go over well,depending who you're talking to
(15:41):
, but if you can tell yourselfthat with some compassion, that
can go a really long way.
Another kind of step that isoften overlooked is choosing to
take a step towards fun, or whatI would maybe more accurately
even describe as a step towardsplayfulness.
And again, we do not live in asociety that values adults
having time to play.
(16:02):
We barely value children havingtime to play, I think, as a
society, and so adults justenjoying themselves can really
not feel very supported, and wecertainly don't often support
ourselves or understand theimportance of it.
So this is something that isfrequently neglected and not
even thought about as somethingthat we need to really have on
our self-care to-do list, if youwill, and it's also the kind of
(16:25):
thing that a loved one mayconsciously or unconsciously end
up shaming a depressed ordisconnected person for doing.
You know, for taking a steptowards fun or playfulness, you
may get really negative feedbackfrom people who care about you.
I know for me a story that myhusband has remembered for
almost 20 years now and refersto sometimes is a story of when
(16:47):
we were pumpkin picking, when wewere early in our dating life,
and he jumped up into this wagonlike this little pull, pull
wagon, and I sort of was likehey, get down, get out of there.
And he felt really shamed andreally shut down and I at the
time I was like what?
They were not very sturdywagons.
I was afraid some kid was gonnasee him and jump in a wagon and
(17:07):
hurt themselves, right, andthat's why I told him to stop
doing it.
And at the time I honestlydidn't even realize why he was
upset with me or had a reactionat all.
I really didn't get it at thetime.
But the truth is is that what Icame to really understand is
that that was a moment where hefelt playful and alive and free,
and he was in this beautifulmoment and for a person who
deals with depression which hewas, is just as I was and am
(17:31):
that moment of feeling playfuland alive and free is super
valuable, and I unintentionallycrushed it.
So I didn't know at the time.
I did eventually understandthough that wasn't my intention,
it really was what happened andhow it landed for him, and so
that's an example of how we canshame somebody totally without
(17:52):
realizing it, and it's very easyto see someone being playful or
doing something that's fun orlighthearted and sort of feel
like, hey, is that the best useof your time, or don't you have
anything more important to do,or you have energy for this, but
you don't have energy to helpme out.
Or is this how you wasted yourtime today?
You could have been writingyour resume or something like
(18:12):
that.
So choosing fun can be veryeasily judged by others or by
ourselves, or on the other side,choosing fun might be something
that we feel is not evenpossible if you're stuck in a
depressed or dorsal placebecause you may feel undeserving
of happiness or you may feeltoo heavy to have fun that sort
of thing, or you might feelnumbed out and you might not
(18:34):
actually experience joy fromthings like you once did.
So of course, there's a lot ofthings that could potentially
get in the way of someone takinga step towards playfulness or
towards fun, but if you needpermission to be playful and to
allow yourself to have that kindof joy, that aliveness, that
freedom I am just one othernervous system in this world and
(18:54):
I don't really have anyauthority over you to tell you
this but if it helps, I willabsolutely tell you with full
confidence that playfulness isvitally important for everyone
of all ages, and if taking astep towards something fun feels
like an option for you, if youare receiving an invitation to
come play, I give you fullpermission to accept.
(19:17):
I will say that, when it comesto taking steps towards rest or
playfulness, I would encourageyou to check in with yourself to
see how taking that step issupporting you and feeling
better, because I think that funand rest can be used.
I know I can definitely usethem in avoidant ways, like
taking a nap or doing somethingthat feels easier or fun.
(19:39):
It can be a good distractionand there's a really fine line
because sometimes thedistraction is what we need.
We need that space to take arest or to be playful so that we
can have a sense of restorationand kind of build back up our
resources so that we can beready to take on the next thing.
But sometimes we do the funthing, the easy thing, take the
(20:00):
rest, take the nap, and then wefeel worse afterwards because
we're like, oh my gosh, wedidn't do the thing that we
needed to do.
We didn't take any action.
I had free time today and Ididn't use it quote unquote
productively.
I say quote unquoteproductively.
I say quote unquoteproductively because if you
rested or were playful and itfelt good to your system and
nourishing, I would say that'sincredibly productive.
I also know the feeling of like, oh gosh, this thing really
(20:22):
needs to get done, and I didn'tdo it again today.
So really check in withyourself and sort of see where
that step will bring you afterthe step is over.
Will it help you be moreavailable for whatever?
The next thing is that you wantto take a step towards, or will
you feel worse afterwards?
And I really ask you to not putpressure on yourself around
(20:42):
this.
In time, with continuedself-attunement, you'll learn to
listen to your body moreclosely and you'll get more
accurate answers of what yoursystem really needs, if you
really need rest or playfulnessor if you really need to do one
of the things that you feel likeyou really need to do or that's
important to you.
So I just kind of put it outthere as something to think
about and consider, because Iknow how these sort of things
(21:03):
have landed for me in my ownsystem.
In the next episode, I willbegin to talk about how to begin
to take a step towards hope,which may feel like a huge leap
or even an impossible jump, buttune in next time to see how I
break it down to make it moreaccessible, more available and
more possible to you, startingnow as our time comes to a close
(21:24):
, I ask you to keep listeningfor just a few more moments,
because I wanna thank you forshowing up today and I want to
leave you with an invitation asyou hit stop and move back out
into the world on your ownunique wellness journey In order
to move from where you aretoday to the place where you
want to be.
The path may seem long orunclear or unknown, and I want
(21:46):
you to know that if that seemsscary or daunting or downright
terrifying or anything else,that is totally okay.
Know that you do not have tocreate the whole way all at once
.
We don't travel a whole journeyin one stride, and that is why
my invitation to you today is totake a step, just one, any type
(22:08):
, any size, in any direction.
It can be an external step thatcan be observed or measured, or
it could be a step youvisualize, taking in your mind.
It can be a step towards actionor towards rest or connection
or self-care, or whatever stepmakes sense to you.
I invite you to take a steptoday, because getting to a
(22:28):
place that feels better, morejoyful, more connected than the
place where you are today ispossible for everyone, including
you, and even when depressionis in your bed.
If today's episode resonatedwith you, please subscribe so
you can be notified when eachweekly episode gets released.
I encourage you to leave areview and reach out to me on
(22:50):
social media at trishsanderslcsw.
Your feedback will help guidefuture episodes and I love
hearing from you.
Also, please share this podcastwith anyone who you think may
be interested or who may getsomething from what I have
shared.
Until the next time we connect,take care of yourself and take
a step.
Hello and welcome to the when Depression is in your
Bed podcast.
Are you caught up just goingthrough the motions day to day?
Are you stuck in a cycle thatdoesn't feel terrible but it
also doesn't feel good?
If so, join me today as I talkabout how to take a step using
your senses, movement, rest andplayfulness in order to begin to
move towards your best life.
(00:22):
I'm your host, trish Sanders.
Let's get started.
Today is the third episode inwhat I think will be a
four-episode series that divesinto the take-a-step approach
and discusses specific thingsthat you can do in order to step
your way out of the stucknessthat you're experiencing and
move into creating a life thatfeels joyfully, alive, connected
(00:47):
, meaningful and uniquely suitedto you and your desires.
Does that sound good to you?
I really hope so and I hopethat I can help get you there.
And if it sounds too good to betrue, then I encourage you, if
it makes sense, to keeplistening and see if you connect
to anything, because changingyour life for the better may
(01:07):
actually be more possible andmore accessible than you realize
.
If you've been feeling stuck inyour relationships and in your
life, then the take a stepapproach may be immensely
helpful for you because it workswith your nervous system
instead of against it.
Our biology the actual nervesthat make up different parts of
(01:28):
our nervous system actually cantransmit messages slowly and can
contribute to progress beingslow or feeling slower than we
want it to feel, andunderstanding this is completely
vital because it can help usshift from feeling frustrated
that we're not getting farenough, fast enough, or we're
not sustaining our progress, orit can help us to not blame and
(01:51):
shame and hate on ourselvesbecause we're somehow defective,
because we don't know how to dowhat we really want to do or we
can't get unstuck, and it canbegin to allow us to have a
little bit of self-compassionfor ourselves because we
understand what's actuallyhappening on a biological level
and we can use that knowledge tobegin to create a path towards
(02:11):
the life that we really want tolive.
In the last episode, I exploredvarious steps you can take
towards connection and breath.
Today, I will talk about stepstowards your senses, movement,
rest and playfulness.
Steps towards your senses,movement, rest and playfulness.
Taking a step that allows youto anchor in ventral through
(02:33):
your senses can be profoundlypowerful.
Focusing on your sensoryexperience can help you take a
step towards being lifted out ofa dorsal experience and moving
into a more ventral experiencewhere you feel that calm
grounding that can help you totake action or take rest or take
care of yourself in the waythat you really need.
And for many of us though ofcourse not all, especially in
(02:53):
today's world where you are inthis exact moment, is probably
safe.
Again, I know very well thatthis does not apply to everyone
in the world right now, but formany of us who are privileged to
be sitting in a safe room,anchoring through your five
senses can be really helpful andcan be very available.
So, thinking about what thatcan look like, listening to
(03:13):
music can be incredibly helpful.
It is often recommended tolisten to calming music to
support regulation.
I have to say, when I'm in adepressive episode, I tend to
listen to music that is probablynot considered calming by many
people.
I sort of listen to somethingthat probably would be
considered emo or metalcore orsomething like that, and for me
that can help feeling myheartbeat.
(03:35):
I notice that that can help mefeel alive.
I also have noticed the morethat I regulate and am able to
anchor in more of a ventralexperience.
I do notice that my taste ofmusic is expanding and I am
liking more calming, morepeaceful, beautiful music than
I've ever liked before, which isvery interesting and I will
talk about, I'm sure, on anotherepisode.
(03:56):
But again, tune into what worksfor you and what feels like
it's taking a step towards theplace you wanna be.
So, whatever kind of music youwanna listen to, and if it feels
like you've been able to moveinto a place that feels a little
bit better than where you justwere, then I would say, go with
it and keep tuning in.
You can also, of course, useyour sense of smell.
(04:16):
There's a lot of aromatherapyout there.
I love lavender and useessential oils for many
different things.
I have oil diffusers around sothat I can have the smell of
lavender easily accessible to mewhen I want it.
I have sage leaves and thingslike that.
There's candles, that kind ofthing.
You can have a smell thatreminds you of somewhere you've
(04:36):
been or something you've done,or even someone that you've been
connected to and love and holdwarmly in your heart, and you
have that kind of scentavailable that can be very
regulating and really start toanchor you in that ventral
experience.
When we anchor in ventral.
It helps us move out of dorsal.
So that's the step.
We want to invite some energyin that helps lift us.
(04:57):
So that's the movement that I'mlooking to create through
talking about this sensoryexperience.
If I think about anchoringsometimes, I think about that as
the opposite of moving.
If you're anchored, you'rebeing held.
Still, anchoring at ventralactually can pull you out of the
dorsal experience.
So that's what I'm reallytalking about.
And, of course, you can usetaste to elicit some sensory
experience that is nourishing ordelicious.
(05:19):
I love chocolate and I will saythat, for me, if I think about
putting one chocolate coveredalmond in my mouth and letting
it melt and really tasting itand being present and savoring
it, that is the kind ofexperience we're looking for,
which is different than if I poptwo or three chocolate almonds
in my mouth, you know, while I'mwalking through the kitchen,
and then pop another two orthree in my mouth and I don't
(05:40):
even notice that I eat them.
That's not anchoring in asensory experience and that
could actually be a sign ofdysregulation.
If you're mindlessly eating,that's definitely something that
I do when I'm dysregulated, Ifind myself mindlessly eating.
But this is the experience ofactually really being present
and, of course, with touch.
There's things like weightedblankets or fuzzy blankets or
(06:00):
fidget toys or things like that,that good to touch and that
really bring you into a sensoryexperience of being able to
connect in a tactile way.
And then, looking around, usingyour sight, I really like to
look out my back door in mykitchen because I can see my
backyard and I can see trees andgrass.
That's something I use a lotand for me that's an experience
(06:20):
where I can feel reallyconnected to nature and I feel
really rejuvenated and restoredand I feel grounded and calmed
and so that all happens justfrom looking out my window.
So that can be something.
If you have a picture that youlike to look at or something, I
really encourage you to thinkabout what you could put around
you that helps with creatingthose ventral anchors that lift
(06:41):
you and help you take stepstowards where you really want to
be and how you really want tofeel.
You can also take a steptowards movement, and, I would
add, in gentle movement.
If you want to take a steptowards movement that feels
bigger or more active, that'salso totally welcome if that's
accessible for you.
But movement can be trulytransformative, especially when
we're talking about coming outof that dorsal experience.
(07:02):
Because if you think aboutdorsal from a biological
perspective, it is the state ofshutdown, collapse,
immobilization and freezing,right.
All of that is the opposite ofmoving.
And so it might feel reallytough to think about moving,
like if you think about somebodywho's in a really severe
depression and can't move out ofbed and it seems ridiculous,
(07:23):
like why they can't just get upand go brush their teeth while
their nervous system is in astate of freezing for survival
and protection.
Movement feels impossible incertain moments.
And so if you think about thatas an extreme example, you can
start to picture why movementmight feel so hard.
We're frozen to protectourselves, we're hiding to
protect ourselves, we'reimmobilized because we think if
(07:45):
we move we will be harmed insome way.
Right?
So from a biologicalperspective, our nervous system
makes movement difficult, and sowhen we can notice, okay, I'm
not in any danger, my nervoussystem is perceiving some sort
of danger.
Obviously, but what kind ofmovement feels like it might be
accessible.
So that's why I qualify itsaying gentle movement, because
(08:06):
this can literally be justmoving, it could be walking, it
could be just stretching, andthose can be really helpful
things and can be reallynourishing, just to start to get
yourself to move out of thatfreeze that stuck that numb
place, and it can be reallybeneficial.
I personally like yoga quite abit.
I find that to be moreaccessible a lot of the time
(08:28):
than doing something that isperhaps more intense.
Although when I'm really wellanchored in a ventral state and
I have some really healthy,sympathetic energy going that's
supporting my movement, then Ireally love exercising.
I love biking and strengthtraining and that kind of stuff.
But sometimes that doesn't feelaccessible for me.
But yoga or gentle stretchingor foam rolling, things like
that that feels more availableto me a lot of the time so I'll
(08:51):
allow myself to start there.
Or something like dancing alsomight feel more accessible to me
, like a dance party with mykids sometimes feels available,
even if a full workout doesn'tfeel like I can manage that at
the moment.
So again, playing with thisexperience and seeing what kind
of movement feels available anddoable to you with compassion,
like feeling mad at yourselfbecause you can't do the workout
(09:11):
you plan to do, can becounterproductive.
But if you say, okay, theworkout I plan doesn't feel like
I can make that happen today.
What can I do instead?
Can I do 90 seconds ofstretching?
And you might say like well,that's ridiculous, that's not
enough, that's not good enoughor that's not what I wanted to
do.
But if you can allow yourselfto start somewhere, then you can
take another step.
And that's really the gift inthis strategy If you can take
(09:33):
one step with compassion andself-love and some grace and
some kindness, you're probablylikely to be able to take
another step.
If you beat yourself up alongthe way, you're likely to create
more of an environment ofthreat where you have to protect
yourself more, which can looklike you shutting down and
withdrawing even further.
So please keep that in mind asyou take any step towards
movement or any other step.
(09:54):
Again, the dorsal experience isa state of immobilized freeze,
biologically speaking.
So movement can feel reallyhard, and I will say that, even
though I do think that gettingto a place where you can feel
the ability to move it can betotally liberating and really
freeing.
Again, getting there can betough.
So this is a really good placeto take a step using
(10:15):
visualization, and so you juststart in your mind being able to
play with maybe a time when youwere able to go on a walk in a
beautiful place, you know,walking through nature or
walking down a beach orsomething like that.
Or it could be a time when youwere dancing and you were really
enjoying it and you can allowthat experience of when you had
(10:36):
been able to move.
Or maybe, if that feels sad,like oh, I was able to do that
then, but I'm not able to do itanymore Then just imagine
something you would like to doin the future.
If that feels safer Again, playwith it and see what feels more
accessible to you and start toenvision those things and see if
you can allow some of thatexperience to come alive in your
nervous system, even as youstay perfectly still.
(10:57):
And perhaps as you increaseyour ability to have that come
alive in your system, you mayfind maybe today, maybe tomorrow
, maybe in a few days, maybenext week, you'll be able to
actually move into the physicalexperience of movement, even if
it's not available to you rightnow.
So it's just something again toplay with and see what really
(11:17):
works for you.
I talked about this in my lastepisode a bit as well, but I
really want to emphasize theidea of taking a step towards
rest and just remind you that,at least from my own experience,
depression can be a warm, comfy, familiar blanket wrapped
around us and yet at the sametime it's also not just warm and
(11:38):
snuggly and safe.
It's also a very painful, empty, miserable, stuck that comes
along with feeling depressed andthat obviously is not very
comfortable at all.
And it's also really drainingto be in that experience where
it's like, oh, we feel safe andwarm and protected in our
depression blanket, but alsoit's miserable and depleting and
(12:00):
I'm aware of all the thingsthat I'm not doing, that I'm
supposed to be doing or thatneed to be done, or even that I
want to do and feel incapable ofdoing, and I feel like I'm
disappointed in me and everyoneelse is disappointed in me, and
there's just like layers andlayers of what just sucks energy
out of us, and so it seemssometimes counterintuitive to
think of a depressed personneeding rest, because it might
(12:22):
seem like that's all they'redoing is resting, they're doing
nothing, they're not doing muchof anything, so really they need
more rest.
And we can feel that way aboutourselves.
We can be pretty mean toourselves, I know I can and
think like, well, really is whatI need rest.
But I want you to start tothink about this because,
biologically speaking, thefunction of our nervous system
having the option to be in adorsal state is and you might
(12:44):
have heard this term before restand digest.
It's the shutdown our bodyneeds to go in to conserve
energy and replenish and restore.
So there's this really powerfulfunction in the dorsal
experience, right?
So if you can start to shiftthis and think, hmm, my dorsal
vagal system came online forsome reason, and if it came
(13:06):
online, that must mean that it'strying to protect me from
something.
And perhaps it's a feeling ofoverwhelm, like too much is
going on, or maybe I feel like Idon't have the resources that I
need right now to handlesomething, or I don't know how
to do something.
So I need a rest, I need amoment.
How can I let myself take abreak?
How can I let myself take thatbreather that my system is
(13:26):
telling me I need Now?
This might be hard for a lot ofpeople and it really was a huge
aha moment for me not that longago, because for me, and
perhaps for you as well, I knowit's true for many that when
we're in a state of overwhelm,when we're stressed out when our
to-do lists are in a healthy,restful way, and it's not
(13:52):
restful to be depressed andavoidant and distracting
yourself from your to-do listit's not restful at all.
But we don't really think aboutslowing down when there's so
much to be done, right.
But yet that's actually whatour systems might really be
longing for and biologicallyneeding for us to be able to do
the tasks that we actually needto do or want to do.
And also we do not live in asociety that really values time
(14:17):
to recuperate, to rest.
Especially in the US, where Iam, we do not get a lot of
vacation days.
We are not encouraged to takevacation days.
People, if they don't use alltheir paid time off, they often
will get bonuses or some sort ofreward.
Sometimes they'll just lose thedays if you don't use them.
You just don't get the days.
They don't roll over the nextyear.
(14:37):
So we are not encouraged as asociety to slow down and take a
rest, and so it can feel veryselfish or wrong, or we can feel
like there's something wrongwith us If we say, hey, you know
what.
I'm actually going to slow down, I'm going to take a break here
.
Going to slow down, I'm goingto take a break here, and that
can feel like somethingabsolutely negative, right,
something really awful for us todo.
However, if we start to reallyunderstand that this is a
(14:59):
biological need rest and digestis a thing that our system
really needs and if we can giveourselves the rest that our
nervous system is actuallylonging for, in a true way of
saying, this is going to be atime of restoration for me.
I'm going to get to my to-dolist.
I just need to take a realbreak that feels like a break,
not where I avoid stuff and thenI feel worse afterwards.
(15:20):
That's not the kind of breakI'm talking about.
Then we can start to reallycreate some shifts.
So please remember that takinga step towards true rest can be
exactly what your system needs,and it totally counts as taking
a step right.
So when someone says dosomething, why don't you just do
something?
Sometimes you say I am doingsomething, I'm taking really
quality rest time.
It may or may not go over well,depending who you're talking to
(15:41):
, but if you can tell yourselfthat with some compassion, that
can go a really long way.
Another kind of step that isoften overlooked is choosing to
take a step towards fun, or whatI would maybe more accurately
even describe as a step towardsplayfulness.
And again, we do not live in asociety that values adults
having time to play.
(16:02):
We barely value children havingtime to play, I think, as a
society, and so adults justenjoying themselves can really
not feel very supported, and wecertainly don't often support
ourselves or understand theimportance of it.
So this is something that isfrequently neglected and not
even thought about as somethingthat we need to really have on
our self-care to-do list, if youwill, and it's also the kind of
(16:25):
thing that a loved one mayconsciously or unconsciously end
up shaming a depressed ordisconnected person for doing.
You know, for taking a steptowards fun or playfulness, you
may get really negative feedbackfrom people who care about you.
I know for me a story that myhusband has remembered for
almost 20 years now and refersto sometimes is a story of when
(16:47):
we were pumpkin picking, when wewere early in our dating life,
and he jumped up into this wagonlike this little pull, pull
wagon, and I sort of was likehey, get down, get out of there.
And he felt really shamed andreally shut down and I at the
time I was like what?
They were not very sturdywagons.
I was afraid some kid was gonnasee him and jump in a wagon and
(17:07):
hurt themselves, right, andthat's why I told him to stop
doing it.
And at the time I honestlydidn't even realize why he was
upset with me or had a reactionat all.
I really didn't get it at thetime.
But the truth is is that what Icame to really understand is
that that was a moment where hefelt playful and alive and free,
and he was in this beautifulmoment and for a person who
deals with depression which hewas, is just as I was and am
(17:31):
that moment of feeling playfuland alive and free is super
valuable, and I unintentionallycrushed it.
So I didn't know at the time.
I did eventually understandthough that wasn't my intention,
it really was what happened andhow it landed for him, and so
that's an example of how we canshame somebody totally without
(17:52):
realizing it, and it's very easyto see someone being playful or
doing something that's fun orlighthearted and sort of feel
like, hey, is that the best useof your time, or don't you have
anything more important to do,or you have energy for this, but
you don't have energy to helpme out.
Or is this how you wasted yourtime today?
You could have been writingyour resume or something like
(18:12):
that.
So choosing fun can be veryeasily judged by others or by
ourselves, or on the other side,choosing fun might be something
that we feel is not evenpossible if you're stuck in a
depressed or dorsal placebecause you may feel undeserving
of happiness or you may feeltoo heavy to have fun that sort
of thing, or you might feelnumbed out and you might not
(18:34):
actually experience joy fromthings like you once did.
So of course, there's a lot ofthings that could potentially
get in the way of someone takinga step towards playfulness or
towards fun, but if you needpermission to be playful and to
allow yourself to have that kindof joy, that aliveness, that
freedom I am just one othernervous system in this world and
(18:54):
I don't really have anyauthority over you to tell you
this but if it helps, I willabsolutely tell you with full
confidence that playfulness isvitally important for everyone
of all ages, and if taking astep towards something fun feels
like an option for you, if youare receiving an invitation to
come play, I give you fullpermission to accept.
(19:17):
I will say that, when it comesto taking steps towards rest or
playfulness, I would encourageyou to check in with yourself to
see how taking that step issupporting you and feeling
better, because I think that funand rest can be used.
I know I can definitely usethem in avoidant ways, like
taking a nap or doing somethingthat feels easier or fun.
(19:39):
It can be a good distractionand there's a really fine line
because sometimes thedistraction is what we need.
We need that space to take arest or to be playful so that we
can have a sense of restorationand kind of build back up our
resources so that we can beready to take on the next thing.
But sometimes we do the funthing, the easy thing, take the
(20:00):
rest, take the nap, and then wefeel worse afterwards because
we're like, oh my gosh, wedidn't do the thing that we
needed to do.
We didn't take any action.
I had free time today and Ididn't use it quote unquote
productively.
I say quote unquoteproductively.
I say quote unquoteproductively because if you
rested or were playful and itfelt good to your system and
nourishing, I would say that'sincredibly productive.
I also know the feeling of like, oh gosh, this thing really
(20:22):
needs to get done, and I didn'tdo it again today.
So really check in withyourself and sort of see where
that step will bring you afterthe step is over.
Will it help you be moreavailable for whatever?
The next thing is that you wantto take a step towards, or will
you feel worse afterwards?
And I really ask you to not putpressure on yourself around
(20:42):
this.
In time, with continuedself-attunement, you'll learn to
listen to your body moreclosely and you'll get more
accurate answers of what yoursystem really needs, if you
really need rest or playfulnessor if you really need to do one
of the things that you feel likeyou really need to do or that's
important to you.
So I just kind of put it outthere as something to think
about and consider, because Iknow how these sort of things
(21:03):
have landed for me in my ownsystem.
In the next episode, I willbegin to talk about how to begin
to take a step towards hope,which may feel like a huge leap
or even an impossible jump, buttune in next time to see how I
break it down to make it moreaccessible, more available and
more possible to you, startingnow as our time comes to a close
(21:24):
, I ask you to keep listeningfor just a few more moments,
because I wanna thank you forshowing up today and I want to
leave you with an invitation asyou hit stop and move back out
into the world on your ownunique wellness journey In order
to move from where you aretoday to the place where you
want to be.
The path may seem long orunclear or unknown, and I want
(21:46):
you to know that if that seemsscary or daunting or downright
terrifying or anything else,that is totally okay.
Know that you do not have tocreate the whole way all at once
.
We don't travel a whole journeyin one stride, and that is why
my invitation to you today is totake a step, just one, any type
(22:08):
, any size, in any direction.
It can be an external step thatcan be observed or measured, or
it could be a step youvisualize, taking in your mind.
It can be a step towards actionor towards rest or connection
or self-care, or whatever stepmakes sense to you.
I invite you to take a steptoday, because getting to a
(22:28):
place that feels better, morejoyful, more connected than the
place where you are today ispossible for everyone, including
you, and even when depressionis in your bed.
If today's episode resonatedwith you, please subscribe so
you can be notified when eachweekly episode gets released.
I encourage you to leave areview and reach out to me on
(22:50):
social media at trishsanderslcsw.
Your feedback will help guidefuture episodes and I love
hearing from you.
Also, please share this podcastwith anyone who you think may
be interested or who may getsomething from what I have
shared.
Until the next time we connect,take care of yourself and take
a step.
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