Episode Transcript
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SPEAKER_00 (00:01):
Hello and welcome to
the When Depression is in your
bed podcast.
Do you push hard all day only tocrash on the couch at night,
longing for some real you time,but instead you end up staying
awake too late, scrolling orwatching Netflix, only to start
the same cycle again in themorning?
Or maybe you drag through yourday, doing the bare minimum, but
(00:21):
no matter how much you rest ortry to rest, you never feel
truly restored.
If either of these rhythms feelsfamiliar, I see you.
I have been there.
And today I'm going to betalking about practical ways to
make rest and renewal moreaccessible so you can finally
feel present and replenished inyour own life.
I'm your host, Trish Sanders,and I am delighted that you are
(00:44):
here.
Let's get started.
As I just shared in my intro,for most of my life I have
noticed that I have fluctuatedbetween these two cycles, one
being that striving, pushing,hustling, often running on
coffee and caffeine to getthrough my day and do all the
things that needed to be done.
And then getting home at nightand just crashing with a glass
(01:05):
of wine or a beer, watchingNetflix, because I didn't have
energy to do anything else.
And even though my body feltexhausted, my brain was really
longing for some downtime.
So I would have what I thoughtwas downtime in this crash
experience.
But then I would go to bed toolate and I would wake up the
next morning exhausted, no moreready to tackle my day, but yet
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go through the whole thingagain.
I didn't know it then, but as Isee it now, I realized that my
nervous system was in thissympathetic fight or flight,
striving, pushing, mobilizedenergy place for the day.
And then because I was pushingso hard and using resources and
really running on fumes, by thetime night came, I just crashed
into this dorsal shutdownexperience, which really didn't
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allow me to get the rest that Ineeded.
And if I wasn't in that cycle ofsympathetic into dorsal crash,
then I was sort of just in thisdorsal place of going through
the motions, a lot of numbness,accomplishing the bare minimum,
and doing everything I couldjust to make it through the day.
Very similar nighttime crash.
Again, didn't have a lot ofresources, wasn't able to go to
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sleep, get a restful night'ssleep.
And now I realize that dorsalstuckness, of course, through my
lens, this is also what I alwaysdescribe as depression.
And I've had many, many episodesthrough my life of moderate to
severe depression, as has myhusband.
And I've witnessed these cyclesfor both of us.
However, over the last fewyears, a lot of things have
happened.
And it really started for mewith the idea of needing to take
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better care of myself, of whatreal, deep, profound,
restorative self-care lookedlike.
I think in the beginning, theidea that a lot of people hold
of getting massages or pedicuresor something with self-care was
sort of what I was trying tofigure out.
Is this what I need to do moreof?
And it gets expensive and Idon't know what to do.
So as I started to think aboutself-care and focus on that, it
became pretty clear that Ineeded to slow down because this
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was really right in thebeginning of the pandemic.
And I had my daughter who turnedone and my son, who was in
second grade, beinghomeschooled.
And of course, I was workingfrom home, as was my husband.
I had a lot of clientsvirtually.
And instead of having workhours, I was just seeing clients
wherever I could fit in becauseI was home all day and I didn't
have to leave and go to theoffice, which on one hand was
really convenient, but also itled me to just being busy
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constantly.
And it was just like thisnonstop day.
And I'm pretty familiar withthat nonstop day.
And now what I see is my nervoussystem's sympathetic drive.
But I started to realize thatthat was not sustainable and
that I needed to slow down.
And in this process of slowingdown and thinking about
self-care, I started to realizethat there was this really
interesting thing that washappening for me because the
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more that I focused on self-careand what truly loving myself
looked like, the more I realizedI needed restorative rest and
slowdown.
And it became so clear that mypractices were not allowing me
truly restorative rest.
And now I also realized, andI'll talk about this next time,
that my nervous system wasreally essentially fried and
didn't know how to rest in thatway.
And it took a lot of healing,which came through my slowdown
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in order for me to be able tomove into more growth and
creating the life I reallywanted to create and the habits
that I wanted to create.
But rest was absolutelynecessary for me first.
And so as I started thinkingabout wanting to share this with
you, it was very clear to methat rest is not always
accessible to so many people.
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And certainly, as I've talkedabout in like recent episodes,
if we think about rest in juststrictly physical rest terms,
going to sleep at night at adecent time, getting a full
solid eight plus hours, and thenwaking up feeling restored and
well rested is not necessarilyan option that's available to
many different people for manydifferent reasons.
And so I started wanting toshare practical ideas about how
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to first of all expand theconcept of rest, as I touched on
a couple of episodes ago.
And I wanted to provideaccessible ways to begin to
incorporate rest into your lifebecause I really do see it as
foundational in order to createdeep healing and the growth that
we're looking for.
If we are stuck in this survivalstate of just going through
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sympathetic striving and dorsalcrash, then we're not really
going to be able to move forwardor move from where we are.
We need to be able to have theresources, which comes, at least
in my experience, and I thinkfor many others, first in being
able to have true rest.
And so I decided to share myexperience.
And now I'm still working onincorporating more rest into my
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daily life.
And I realized that some ofthese things might be inspiring
for you and might be helpful,but I realized that you might
not want to do exactly thethings that I have done.
So I created a free guide thatyou can download that is a
hundred practices that can helpincrease your access to rest and
renewal.
And you can go and download yourfree copy of the hundred
(05:50):
practices atregulatedrelationships.kit dot
com slash rest.
And you can subscribe to myemail list and get your free
downloads so you could check outthe list and see what you are
called to and check off thethings that you might want to
try to incorporate into yourlife.
And also the link to thedownload will be available in
the show notes.
(06:11):
So if you want to scroll downunderneath the title of the
podcast, you'll see a place thatyou can get the free download as
well.
But for today, I wanted to beable to talk about some of the
practices that I've incorporatedthat have been incredibly
transformative for me.
In one of my recent episodes, Idid talk about rest in eight
different categories.
And I'm going to touch on eachof those eight categories today
and give some examples of what Iwas able to incorporate into my
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life to help increase my accessto rest and what has been so
very helpful to me.
So for physical rest, reallyallowing my body to get the rest
that it truly needs, I startedsleeping with an eye mask a few
years ago and it has beenextraordinary.
And my room is not particularlybright.
It's not like I have lights onor even a nightlight, but being
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able to have more darkness hasreally had a positive impact on
how restful my sleep feels.
And in those wonderful timeswhen I'm able to take a nap
during the day and there is somelight coming in, being able to
have a sleep mask on has beenincredible because I used to be
somebody that if I ever took anap, which when I was depressed,
I definitely took naps.
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But I was somebody who, if Ilaid down, I wasn't getting up
for two or three hours.
And those two or three hours arenot usually available to me
these days, but I do sometimeshave 20 minutes or 30 minutes.
And I now use a sleep mask whenI take those little cat naps,
and I find that to be reallyrestorative.
And if I'm falling into like alull in the afternoon, every
once in a while I can take oneof those cat naps with my mask.
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And it's been incredibly helpfulfor me.
And I also have set a bedtimefor myself.
Now, I will be honest, this issomething that is still in
process, but I do have 1045 setin my phone as my bedtime.
And in my head, I think about1045 as my bedtime.
And I do not go to bed at 1045many, many nights out of a
month, but I am going to bedmuch earlier than I've ever gone
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to bed in my entire life.
And there are also nights whereI'm getting to sleep at 1045 or
even earlier, which is veryexciting, especially for
somebody who has been a nightowl my entire life.
And I still do consider myself anight owl.
But the more that I have movedinto not being in this
sympathetic push striving allday long, I actually am not
crashing at night in the sameway that I used to most of the
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time.
And I'm actually finding it mucheasier to go to bed at night the
more I'm incorporating somerestful slowdown practices, more
of which I will talk to youabout in this episode during my
day.
So that has been pretty cool.
And it kind of just gives methis little framework of, oh,
okay, bedtime's coming.
Uh, also I wear an aura ring andit also tells me your bedtime is
approaching.
And it just sort of helps me getinto that mindset that I have a
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bedtime.
I'm not just pushing to stay upto all hours of the night
anymore.
I also have found, and I'vereferenced this before in other
episodes, but when you'redepressed and you're resting or
sleeping or doing nothing, quoteunquote, you're not really truly
resting.
And a lot of the time it'sbecause there's a lot of guilt
and shame that you feel aboutwhat you're not doing, because
you're aware that you're notdoing all these other things
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that you think you, quoteunquote, should be doing.
And so the rest is not restfulat all.
And I have found that being ableto take a 20 or 30 minute nap
when I really feel like I needit and being able to have
gratitude for that, like, wow,I'm so thankful that I have this
time to be able to rest.
Or on a weekend or a day off,instead of thinking, oh my gosh,
I have so much I have to do, Ishould be doing that, which is a
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sympathetically driven should,right?
Like I should do this.
That's a judgment.
I say, well, you know what?
I'm feeling a little bit rundown.
I'm going to take this littlecat nap or sleep in without
shame, without guilt.
And that has been an incrediblyrestorative practice for me as
well.
I will also mention, because ithas just been one of the most
significant practices for me,befriending my nervous system
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and becoming familiar with mynervous system and attuning to
my nervous system and findingout how to be more regulated
more of the time.
Again, this is basically theopposite of what I have spent
most of my life doing, which hasbeen being in survival mode of
this sympathetic charge or thisdorsal shutdown, being in a more
ventral space, that grounded,safe, connected present space
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more of the time.
It has truly allowed me to justnot be living a life that is
drawing on my resources in sucha fierce way.
Because going all day insurvival and even crashing in
dorsal is exhausting.
And so the more regulated I'vebecome, the more energy I have
had.
And I talk about this in manydifferent other episodes, so I'm
not going to go into it, but Ireally wanted to mention it
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today because it has definitelybeen one of the absolute top
rest and renewal practices thatI have adopted over the last few
years.
I also think about emotionalrest.
And one of the things that Ihave done is try to consciously
step away from being otherpeople's emotional caretakers
because there's a big differencebetween supporting people that
you love and care about andstepping into the role of their
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caretaker and being theirabsolute full-on support that
they lean on you for theiremotional needs to be met.
And I've definitely done this indifferent capacities, but
certainly with my husband, overthe last number of years, I have
shifted out of the role that Icarried for much of our
relationship.
And this is also something elseI could talk about in another
episode because there's so muchhere to dive into.
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But being able to rebalancewhere I give my energy and
attention has really donesomething beautiful for me and
my ability to not be depletedand drained all the time.
And it's also really helpedempower my husband.
It has not been an easy journey.
It wasn't so simple, but it wasalso easier and better than
continuing in the reallyunhelpful cycle that we used to
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live in.
So that has been a reallyamazing emotional renewal
practice that I have consciouslyadopted.
And that has been for severalyears.
And I've really seen suchpositive impact from being able
to do that.
And I also have really shifted,and this has to do a lot with
what I mentioned in thebeginning, like this self-love
idea of moving away fromself-criticism into
self-compassion.
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And also, as I've talked aboutbefore, the way we interpret the
world, the way we interpretourselves and others is directly
connected to the state of ournervous system.
When I was mostly in sympatheticor dorsal, my stories were
either about the world andothers and myself were
sympathetic stories.
There was a lot ofself-criticism, dorsal stories,
a lot of self-loathing in thosekinds of stories.
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And as I become more regulated,I have been able to access so
much more self-compassion, whichhas been incredibly restorative
for me as well.
I've also always felt reallyconnected to awe-inspiring
things like noticing a sunset orsomething else in nature.
And I take a lot of pictures ofthose things and I really take
moments out of my day to savorthem.
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That has also been a reallybeautiful practice.
And something that has also beenan extra bonus is that by me
doing this and me being verbalabout it, taking pictures,
saying something about thebeautiful sky, my kids have
adopted this as well, which hasreally been beautiful.
And I see them take time to slowdown to notice awe-inspiring
things.
This idea that we are small yetconnected to something so much
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bigger than us, and really beingable to sit with that in a
really beautiful way has reallybeen something that has really
fueled me day to day.
Another category of rest that Ithink about is mental rest.
And in general, I would say thisis like, how do we let down the
load that we carry?
I think that asking for help isprobably top on my list and how
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difficult that can be for manyof us.
It certainly has been difficultfor me, but looking about who I
can ask for help, whether it'smy son asking for help with
chores that I do in the house,or asking my husband for things,
or asking colleagues or friendsor family members, it's been
really helpful.
And I also want to include here,and I just want to touch on that
I think that if you have thecapacity and access to hire
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help, whether that's someone tohelp clean your house or someone
to walk your dogs or to babysit,I think that that can be
incredibly helpful.
A lot of us feel we can'tfinancially afford to hire
somebody, and that may very wellbe true.
But I also think that many of ushave some more capacity than we
think to hire some sort of help.
I realize that I come from aplace of privilege that I have
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been able to get some people onmy team and I plan to expand and
have more help in time, havingsomething like a personal
assistant, which is somethingI'd love to have at some point
soon, being able to have peopleto help with chores or
childcare, that kind of thing.
And if that doesn't feelaccessible to you, I do
encourage you to think aboutbartering for services because
you can trade services withanother parent that you know so
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that you can not pay a thing andbe able to have some childcare
in your week or even in yourmonth.
And so I think if you thinkabout it, kind of like this is
like where there's a will,there's a way.
There's things that can befigured out if you let yourself
think about them and getcurious, like hmm, what could
work for me?
And like I said, for me, I havebeen able to hire some people to
help me out on my householdteam.
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And I do plan on increasing thenumber of people I get to hire
to be a part of my team and thebusiness sense soon as well.
Because I think that if youreally do the math, the amount
of time that you have perhaps todo another job or do your
passion or something like that,a lot of the time the numbers
might surprise you.
Perhaps not all the time, butlike I said, it's something that
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I think is worth at leastthinking about.
Social rest is also somethingthat's really important.
And in my guide, I talk about alot of ways to disconnect and
give yourself space sociallythat you might need.
And I think that is importantfor me, being able to say no to
certain engagements that willfeel more overwhelming than
nourishing.
But for me, I am a social personand I generally do like being
around people.
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So for me, what social rest haslooked like is actually being
around people who nourish me andreducing relationships that I
feel depleted in.
And that has really beensomething that I've been
actively doing and I'm stillvery much actively doing and
figuring out how to do becauseit's not always easy to shift
your relationships.
But for me, it has reallycontributed very deeply to a
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sense of restoration andrenewal.
I would also add that if youhave pets, I think that social
connection and social supportcuddling with your pets is also
a beautiful way to obtain somevery substantial social rest.
So there's a category that Irefer to as restorative rest,
which is a wide category andit's really just how I see it to
be.
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A lot of my practices that Ifind really restful and renewing
do fall under what I think of asthat restorative rest, like
meditation and breathworkpractices and restorative yoga
and being in nature.
Breathwork could just bebreathing in and a sigh out,
which I consciously create and Ialso notice when that happens,
and I kind of savor thosemoments where I have a little
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bit more of that expansionavailable.
And even that noticing practiceof those moments can be really
restorative for me.
I also have been consciouslyreconnecting with the land.
This is also a whole otherepisode of my relationship to
the earth and the great outdoorsin general, but I have been able
to reconnect with and cultivatea practice of grounding outside
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and walking barefoot in thegrass or just standing in the
grass and squatting with myhands on the earth and just
slowing down, often closing myeyes, giving my energy to the
earth and feeling the supportthat I received from the earth.
And that has been an incrediblyrestorative practice for me that
I have really reclaimed becauseI did not grow up feeling
comfortable.
As a matter of fact, up untillast year, literally wore
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slippers everywhere in my life.
I would step out of a showerinto slippers.
I never walked anywherebarefoot.
And like I said, there's plentymore for another episode about
that.
But it has been a huge shift forme to be able to walk barefoot
outside.
And it has been a reallybeautiful practice.
I also find that just standingbarefoot and feeling the warm
sun on my face is something thatI absolutely love to do.
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And if I'm having a busy,stressful day and I don't have a
lot of time, I often will maketime to just go spend two
minutes in the backyard to beable to ground and feel the sun
on my face.
And then I feel recharged andrenewed and able to get back to
my day, which has been a reallybeautiful practice that I have
felt very grateful to have beenable to begin over the last,
like I said, year.
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Another type of rest that Idon't know if people always
think about is what I think ofas creative rest.
And this is perhaps sometimes amore active way of resting, but
this is perhaps morerenewal-oriented of connecting
with beauty and art and natureor creating in some way that is
really process-oriented ratherthan product-oriented, right?
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Like just being in the momentwith something rather than
having to produce something andallowing yourself that space and
that freedom to create withoutexpectations or judgments or
shoulds or have-to's, or needingit to be a certain way.
And I personally really lovespending time in gardens.
My daughter and I frequentlystop and appreciate the flowers
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wherever we are in the world.
And I also tend to take a lot ofpictures of things that are
really beautiful, and then I canlook back at them later when I
kind of need a littleinspiration, which is a really
beautiful creative practice forme.
Sensory rest is something that'sreally vitally important in our
world that is often so loud andso bright and so fast moving.
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And I think that being able todisconnect from screens is
certainly something that's veryimportant.
In addition to that, some othersensory rest practices that have
been truly delightful for me, asan essential oil diffuser on my
desk, and I think it's called apassive diffuser or something
like that.
But if I have a flower, a lotusflower, and it's just this
ceramic piece that I put on mydesk, and I just put a drop or
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two of lavender oil in it, andit's not like a diffuser where
the whole room smells intensely.
You'll have to play around withit if you work in a cubicle or
someone's right next to you, butit's much more subtle than other
ways of using essential oils.
I have found that I've enjoyedit quite a bit.
And when I'm feeling stressedout, I just grab my little
flower and I take this beautifulinhale of lavender, and I have
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really enjoyed having it thereon my desk.
That was something that Irealized that I wanted to start
doing, and I've really enjoyedhaving around.
I also have noticed, and thishas been in a few different
contexts, including going toconcerts, but humming or
listening to music with deepbass and feeling the vibration
in my chest and really beingpresent with that has been
something that has been reallyrestorative for me and something
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that I can really activelycultivate when I need a moment
of slowdown that I can kind ofbe present with myself and feel
that vibration that has beenreally beneficial for me.
I also take what I think of as aspa shower sometimes, where I
have the lights low and I havelike an essential oil steamer in
there.
I listen to some soft music, Itake my time, I slow down, I pay
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attention to my breathing.
And the importance of doing thiscame to my attention because of
the statistics that would comeup on my ring that I started to
see very consistently that whenI was taking a shower and
getting ready in the morning, itwas registering that I was doing
some sort of exercise because Iwas in such a strive push-go
mode.
And I started to realize that Ididn't want my getting ready
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process to be running a marathonand feeling that incredible
push.
So I started to consciously slowdown my getting ready experience
in the morning.
And that has also really, reallychanged my morning.
And I also have to say, most ofthe time, I'm not taking any
more time.
I'm not talking about taking along, luxurious warm bath, which
is also another wonderfulpractice, but I'm actually just
talking about slowing down yourshower and making it something
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that feels delicious anddelightful and restorative as
opposed to just plowing through.
So my spa shower experience isreally just a part of my regular
day, more than it is somethingelse that I do or add on to what
I already do.
It's really just my regulardaily practice, just done in a
more renewing way.
The last type of rest I'll talkabout is what I think about as
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ancestral, cultural, andcommunity rest.
And this is a wide topic, buthow I think about it is rest in
the presence of others.
And I think that sharing restfulpractices can be deeply
renewing.
And it can be something likeconnected with your ancestors,
which I have done some of thatwork, which has been really
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powerful and profound for me.
And I have done some processwork where I have been able to
release some of the burdens myancestors have carried, and it's
been very powerful for me.
But there's other ways where ifthat doesn't feel accessible or
of interest to you, you can dosomething like go to a
restorative yoga class.
Or I mentioned, I think in oneof my last episodes, I go to a
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group breathing practice everyweek.
And being able to share thosekind of renewing experiences in
community can be deeply healingand really create a lot of
beautiful space for that deeprest experience to occur.
And I also say that this issomething that really was a gift
for my husband.
But being able to share silencewith somebody that you love,
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that felt unfamiliar to me.
I'm a words person, which mightnot be a surprise being that I
have a solo podcast.
But my husband really enjoyedbeing able to share silence
together, whether it's us doingsomething together.
I can remember one time we did apuzzle together and afterwards
he was like, wow, that wasamazing.
And I was like, really?
I hated that experience, whichwas many years ago.
And looking back now, I'm like,oh my gosh, I've grown so much
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since then.
But I often have felt connectedthrough words and doing, and
being able to feel connectedthrough being together is
something that is truly, trulybeautiful and an incredible
practice.
And that may be something thatfeels hard to you as it has for
me in the past, but now thatit's something that I can enjoy
and appreciate, it's really beensomething that I truly love.
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So there you have it.
Some of my most favorite restand renewal practices that I
have been cultivating over thepast several years.
And I really invite you andencourage you to think about if
any of the things that I sharedfit.
Or as I mentioned, I have a freePDF that is a hundred practices
that can help increase youraccess to rest and renewal.
That maybe you'll like some ofthem and you could check them
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off and try them out, or maybethe list will inspire you to
think about rest in new ways sothat you can connect with things
that truly benefit you.
So just one more time, you canfind that PDF at
regulatedrelationships.kit dotcom slash rest, or you can look
in the show notes rightunderneath the podcast title.
Scroll down and you will find alink to that PDF.
(23:55):
And you can keep that on yourphone or put it on your
nightstand or your refrigeratorso you can remember to try to
incorporate your own rest andrenewal practices into your day.
So good luck, and I willcontinue my conversation more on
rest next time.
As our time comes to a close, Iask you to keep listening for
just a few more moments becauseI want to thank you for showing
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up today.
And I want to leave you with aninvitation as you hit stop and
move back out into the world onyour own unique wellness
journey.
In order to move from where youare today to the place where you
want to be, the path may seemlong or unclear or unknown.
And I want you to know that ifthat seems scary or daunting or
(24:38):
downright terrifying or anythingelse, that is totally okay.
Know that you do not have tocreate the whole way all at
once.
We don't travel a whole journeyin one stride.
And that is why my invitation toyou today is to take a step,
just one.
Any type, any size, in anydirection.
(24:58):
It can be an external step thatcan be observed or measured, or
it could be a step you visualizetaking in your mind.
It can be a step towards actionor towards rest or connection or
self-care or whatever step makessense to you.
I invite you to take a steptoday because getting to a place
that feels better, more joyful,more connected than the place
(25:20):
where you are today is possiblefor everyone, including you, and
even when depression is in yourbed.
If today's episode resonatedwith you, please subscribe so
you can be notified when eachweekly episode gets released.
I encourage you to leave areview and reach out to me on
social media attrish.sanders.lcsw.
(25:41):
Your feedback will help guidefuture episodes, and I love
hearing from you.
Also, please share this podcastwith anyone who you think may be
interested or who may getsomething from what I have
shared.
Until the next time we connect,take care of yourself and take a
step.