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August 13, 2025 14 mins

Grief has its own timeline. And sometimes, the most profound revelations about loss emerge from unexpected places—like a flooded basement.

When contractors tore out the flooring and walls of what had been my late father's living space, I experienced a surprising wave of emotion. Though he had passed nearly five years earlier, that basement remained "Dad's room" in our family's daily conversations. The physical dismantling of this space triggered a grief experience that felt both familiar and entirely new.

What struck me most was how differently my body and mind processed this grief compared to five years ago. My nervous system felt safer, more capable of holding both the sadness of loss and the possibility of renewal. This wasn't because my earlier grief was somehow wrong—rather, it demonstrated how our emotional processing evolves over time, despite society's problematic expectations that we should "get over" significant losses within arbitrary timeframes.

The flood created an unexpected opportunity to honor what was while embracing what could be. As I found myself spontaneously researching new flooring options and imagining the space transformed for our teenage son, I recognized this dual experience as a meaningful part of my healing journey. This mirrors my relationship with depression—both involve nonlinear paths where compassion for wherever I am in the process proves essential.

Whether you're navigating grief, depression, or any significant emotional challenge, remember that healing happens in its own perfect, imperfect time. I invite you to take just one step today—any size, any direction—knowing that movement toward greater joy and connection is possible for everyone, including you, even when depression is in your bed.

- If you and your partner are ready to co-create the roadmap to the relationship of your dreams, join us for the next in-person "Getting the Love You Want" Weekend Couples Retreat!

For support in how to have deeper connections and better communication in the relationships that matter most in your life, follow the host, Trish Sanders on Instagram , Bluesky or LinkedIn.

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Episode Transcript

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Speaker 1 (00:01):
Hello and welcome to the when Depression is in your
Bed podcast.
This episode is part of myconscious partnership stories,
in which I share real, currentmoments from my actual life as
examples of what it can looklike to be in a conscious
partnership and generally to bea conscious human.
Today I will explore a recentgrief experience that I had,
about a loss that occurredalmost five years ago.

(00:23):
If you know grief somewhere inyour life, please join me for
today's conversation.
I'm Trish Sanders and I amdelighted that you are here.
Let's get started.
I am going to talk about grieftoday which maybe doesn't
exactly or neatly fit under theumbrella of conscious
partnership unless the loss isof your partner, perhaps but I

(00:44):
think that grief is such a humanexperience and it's connected
to so many things that I talkabout on the podcast, and, of
course, this was an experiencethat I myself had and I talk
about myself on the podcast, soit made sense for me to want to
share it, and so I hope that youget something from it or that
you can connect with it in someway.

(01:05):
So I mentioned in my lastepisode that our basement
flooded last week, and I talkedin the last episode about how I
didn't have an immediately veryoverwhelming reaction, even
though I wasn't happy that thebasement flooded.
I wasn't really triggeredsignificantly when it first
happened, but it was a hardexperience to go through,
certainly, and I did, of course,significantly when it first
happened, but it was a hardexperience to go through,

(01:26):
certainly, and I did of courseend up having a variety of
different feelings.
But one of the most significantexperiences that I had was
actually part of this griefexperience.
So we moved into this houseabout six years ago and at the
time the basement was unfinished.
But we had also recently foundout that my dad had been
diagnosed with leukemia and wewere expecting him to move in

(01:46):
and live with us, which happenedmore quickly than we thought at
the time.
And so as soon as we moved intothe house we had to begin
renovations and we had thebasement finished for him to
live in and he lived there forthe rest of his life, and he did
end up moving in with us withinjust a couple of months of us
moving into the house and hestayed with us until he
transitioned, which was about ayear and a half after we moved

(02:10):
in.
And after that had happened, myhusband Ben and I did talk about
how we wanted to use the spacedownstairs and we had all
different ideas but we didn'treally do anything with it and
we really never use that spaceat all except for like storage
for donations and occasionallywhen we have a guest we have
them stay there.
But for the most part we referto it as my dad's room.

(02:31):
We kind of talk about it stilllike as if he's down there.
When we hear noise then we'llsay, oh, it's just Tom making
noise, you know that kind ofthing.
Even though we know that he'sphysically not there anymore, we
definitely still feel hispresence and it still feels like
my dad's place, even though hehasn't actually been physically
occupying it in several yearsnow.
So I share all of this to setthe stage for my experience of

(02:54):
going downstairs after they hadpulled out all the flooring and
cut the walls up two feet fromthe floor because it had sucked
up water and the studs wereexposed and I walked downstairs
just kind of going to check outwhat they had done and when I
saw all of the demolition itfelt like such a gut punch to me

(03:14):
and it was the feeling of likewow, this isn't my dad's space
anymore.
My dad doesn't live hereanymore.
Of course, I consciously,intellectually, knew that for
almost five years, but there wasstill this connection of him in
the space, of course, and, likeI said, his presence still very
much feels like it's there, andwhen we were going through some

(03:34):
of his things that are stillthere that we had to take out
not much was damaged, but justgoing through it and pulling
things out of the basement itreally was this very powerful
grief experience for me, which,of course, I think made a lot of
sense, and I was able to talkabout that with Ben and share
with him that the actual floodhadn't knocked me over so much.
But this experience of feelingthis different version of grief

(04:00):
really felt heavy for me and Iwas also able to notice that it
was great to connect with Benand really feel heard about it.
It was also really noticeablefor me that I was experiencing
grief in a very different waythan I had certainly experienced
it five years ago when my dadactually transitioned and of
course that makes sense afterall this time.

(04:21):
But I think the way Iunderstood it was that my
experience of grief now wasstill heavy and was still sad,
certainly, and it was definitelychallenging.
But also my nervous system feltsafe enough.
And again, this has to do withthe fact that there's been a lot
of time and distance from theactual death loss.

(04:41):
And I am not saying in any waythat I would have or could have
or should have experienced mygrief differently five years ago
when my dad actually died.
But it was just interesting tonotice the evolution of this
feeling.
And grief is a very complexemotion, as many of our emotions
are.
But our society often puts atimeline an acceptable timeline

(05:04):
on a lot of our feelings.
Grief is certainly one of them.
Like, bereavement, days aregiven they're not even required
federally to be given, but if acompany does offer them, they're
usually three or five days,maybe more if it's a very close
loss or something like that.
But after that period of timeyou're expected to be able to
pull yourself together and getback to work and even family or

(05:27):
friends or people who shared thesame loss you had.
Eventually, life goes on, asthey say, and the support and
the understanding often fadesaround those feelings and we
expect people to get over things.
That's a phrase we like to useoften in the society.
Just get over it or I'm over it,and there's a lot of judgment

(05:47):
of like I should be over it, andI think that that is so
detrimental to our overallwell-being, because feelings are
signals of underlying needs andif we don't allow ourselves to
have feelings, then we alsodon't get the cues of what we
need.
And while we can't meet everysingle need exactly as we want,

(06:07):
exactly in the timeline that wemight want it, our needs matter
quite a bit and they're reallyimportant to attune to.
And this experience really gaveme insight into one of my needs
that I actually wasn't verymuch aware of until this all
happened.
Because when the flood happenedand I do think that this was
unconsciously part of why itdidn't feel so upsetting

(06:30):
initially I wasn't thinking it,but as we were going through the
process, I felt like I was inthis rebirth, that I felt like
this was a new beginning, andwhen I saw the basement ripped
out, that felt like a loss.
And again it wasn't exactly thesame loss as when my dad
actually made his physicaltransition, but this was a whole
different kind of loss, in thatsame grief experience of a new

(06:53):
end, that his space was going tobe changed.
It wasn't there anymore and yetthat loss allowed space for
this new beginning.
I did find myself looking atflooring options and new couches
and I didn't spend hours andhours, but there was this
helpful part of the process forme that Ben was very sweet and
supportive around because we hada lot to do and it was kind of

(07:15):
a chaotic couple of days, ofcourse, getting all of this
stuff done.
But Ben understood and I wasable to tell him that I knew
that it wasn't the best time tolook at this stuff, but it sort
of was helping me move throughsome of these feelings in what
felt like a really helpful way,that even though there was this
end, this very final thing thatwas happening, it felt like part

(07:35):
of me felt like my dad wasbeing ripped out of the basement
, but it also felt like it wasthe next chapter, and so there
was this deep grief and alsothis deep gratitude for what can
be next.
And it was really helpful forme to talk about making
downstairs a hangout for our son, who's 13, so he could enjoy

(07:57):
the space downstairs and makingit a music room that we could
enjoy as a family, and that wasreally important for me.
And I didn't even see the needto move to the next chapter.
I think that part of me was soconnected to how things were of
course, because we are oftenconnected to how things have
been and I didn't quite knowthat I was ready to let go and

(08:21):
move into the next phase.
Though the experience was heavyin moments, it also had flow
and was able to move, which feltreally positive, and I was
really grateful to have thatexperience Also going through
this really made me think abouthow a lot of our feelings have
this evolution process that theygo through, and it's not linear

(08:42):
, and this can come up a lot ofthe time in intimate partner
relationships, where either youfeel like your partner should be
over something like why arethrough and it's not linear and
this can come up a lot of thetime in intimate partner
relationships, where either youfeel like your partner should be
over something like why are youbringing this up again?
Didn't we talk about thisalready?
Or you might feel that way aboutyourself, like oh, why am I
still upset about this?
I should be over it by now,kind of thing.
And the reality is, a lot ofthe time, things need to be
addressed at different stagesover time and it doesn't mean

(09:06):
you're rehashing things or thatyou're not over something or you
are not as far along as youshould be, whether it's grief or
any other feeling but when afeeling arises, there's a reason
for it, and attuning to it andpaying attention to it and
responding to it and caringabout it and sharing about that
in connection with importantpeople in your life certainly

(09:27):
your intimate partner is reallya huge part of the healing and
growth process and it was reallyspecial for me to be able to go
through all of that with Benlast week, even though I
certainly would not have chosenlike, hey, let's flood the
basement in order to get to thisnext phase of growth.
But the flood did end upbringing me this opportunity
that I really am grateful forand I look forward to this whole

(09:51):
in between process being overthe demolition process and the
figuring it out process andbeing able to move to that next
phase, and I imagine that I willhave more grief experiences
come as I even move into beingable to enjoy that space in a
new way, because I do feel likeit's my dad's space and I think
that his presence will always bethere.

(10:11):
I feel like his presence isalways with me and being
anchored in that safe, grounded,connected experience.
I know that I might have afeeling that might knock me over
a little bit or throw me offbalance, and I also trust that I
know how to experience thesethings and acknowledge what
needs to be acknowledged and beattuned to myself in such a way

(10:32):
that I can take good care ofmyself.
And I think that this alsoreally reminds me of my
relationship with depression,because I know what it feels
like to be overwhelmed or bowledover or shut down by heavy,
deep, big feelings and I knowthat when I'm in that space

(10:52):
certain things can feelimpossible.
And I also know how I've movedfrom there.
And when I think about my actualphysical basement, five years
ago I wasn't ready to ripeverything out and make it a
family room.
That just didn't feel like itmade sense to me.
My system wasn't ready for thatand that's totally okay.
And today it was still hard, orlast week it was still a

(11:13):
challenging experience, but Iwas ready for it.
And again, in my relationshipwith depression there was a time
when I wasn't ready to move, tobe able to lift myself up, and
again, very nonlinear experience, because it wasn't like there
was a time 20 years ago when Iwasn't ready and then 18 years
ago I was a little bit moreready and 16 years ago a bit
more ready.
It's been like a very windingroad, for sure, but when I find

(11:36):
myself in those moments where Ifeel shut down or paralyzed or
overwhelmed, I have learned tobe able to come to that a lot
more of the time.
I to be able to come to that alot more of the time I don't
think 100% of the time, I don'tthink I'll ever get to 100% of
the time but I've learned how tobe able to come to that
experience so much more of thetime with greater compassion and
allowing whatever is there tobe there and to give myself that

(11:58):
space to feel whatever I'mfeeling and to often not shame
myself or judge myself for beingwhere I'm at.
And I think that has been oneof the most significant shifts
that have helped me in dealingwith my depression.
And then, of course, being ableto share that more openly with
Ben has been really powerful forour relationship.
So thank you for letting meshare with you a bit about my

(12:22):
grief.
Grief is a tough one for somany reasons, for so many of us.
I do think that findingconnection in the loss, finding
connection to others, findingconnection to yourself, I think
that that's deeply important andI think giving yourself
compassion, to know that whereyou're at is exactly where you

(12:42):
need to be right now, and itwill change.
And that's true with allfeelings, including depression.
So I have so many thoughts andso much more to say on all of
this, but I'll keep it short fortoday, and I'm sure I will
touch on these concepts again infuture episodes.
As our time comes to a close, Iask you to keep listening for

(13:04):
just a few more moments, becauseI want to thank you for showing
up today and I want to leaveyou with an invitation as you
hit stop and move back out intothe world on your own unique
wellness journey In order tomove from where you are today to
the place where you want to be.
The path may seem long orunclear or unknown, and I want

(13:24):
you to know that if that seemsscary or daunting or downright
terrifying or anything else,that is totally okay.
Know that you do not have tocreate the whole way all at once
we don't travel a whole journeyin one stride, and that is why
my invitation to you today is totake a step, just one, any type

(13:45):
, any size, in any direction.
It can be an external step thatcan be observed or measured, or
it could be a step youvisualize taking in your mind.
It can be a step towards action, or towards rest, or connection
, or self-care, or whatever stepmakes sense to you.
I invite you to take a steptoday, because getting to a

(14:06):
place that feels better, morejoyful, more connected than the
place where you are today ispossible for everyone, including
you, and even when depressionis in your bed.
If today's episode resonatedwith you, please subscribe so
you can be notified when eachweekly episode gets released.
I encourage you to leave areview and reach out to me on

(14:27):
social media at trishsanderslcsw.
Your feedback will help guidefuture episodes and I love
hearing from you.
Also, please share this podcastwith anyone who you think may
be interested or who may getsomething from what I have
shared.
Until the next time we connect,take care of yourself and take
a step.
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