June 11, 2025 • 18 mins
Feeling like you're carrying the entire weight of your relationship while your partner seems to be coasting? You're not alone—and the solution might surprise you.
Most of us have been fed a harmful myth that if we just work hard enough on ourselves and the relationship, everything will improve. This message is particularly strong for women in heterosexual relationships, who are often encouraged to keep putting in the work while their male partners are implicitly let off the hook. But this approach isn't just exhausting—it's fundamentally flawed.
The truth is that relationships require both partners to be actively engaged. When one person is constantly trying while the other seems disengaged, it's typically not about motivation or love—it's about two dysregulated nervous systems unable to find safety with each other. One partner often gets stuck in anxious hypervigilance (fight/flight) while the other collapses into withdrawal (freeze). From these defensive positions, real connection is physiologically impossible.
The breakthrough comes when both partners understand that self-regulation must come first. Rather than trying to change each other, the focus shifts to helping your own nervous system feel safe. When both people can access their regulated state—what polyvagal theory calls "ventral vagal"—suddenly differences aren't threats anymore. You can approach challenges with curiosity instead of defensiveness, and creative solutions become possible.
This approach transformed my own 21-year relationship after years of feeling stuck in these exact patterns. It doesn't have to take that long for you! Start by noticing when you feel hopeless about your relationship—that feeling itself is information that your nervous system is in survival mode. From there, you can take steps toward regulation, which opens the door to true partnership.
Ready to break free from the cycle of one-sided effort and create a relationship where both people feel seen, supported and valued? Subscribe for next week's episode where I'll share specific steps you and your partner can take together toward the connection you both deserve.
- If you are looking to take the first step towards improving your connection and communication with your partner, check out this FREE monthly webinar on "Becoming a Conscious Couple,".
- If you and your partner are ready to co-create the roadmap to the relationship of your dreams, join us for the next in-person "Getting the Love You Want" Weekend Couples Retreat!
For support in how to have deeper connections and better communication in the relationships that matter most in your life, follow the host, Trish Sanders on Instagram , Bluesky or LinkedIn.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
Hello and welcome to the when Depression is in your
Bed podcast.
Do you commonly feel like youare doing most of your
relationship work all on yourown?
Are you tired of feeling likeyour partner just isn't putting
in the effort that you do?
If you're longing for arelationship with your intimate
romantic partner to feel morelike a partnership, check out
today's episode to learn whatmay be getting in your way and
(00:22):
how you can actually begin totake steps together towards the
relationship that you both wantto create and enjoy.
I'm your host, trish Sanders,and I'm so glad that you're here
.
Let's get started.
Over the last several episodes,I have been talking about my
take a step approach to helpsomebody move out of a depressed
or disconnected, stuck place.
(00:42):
The approach works with thenervous system in order to make
change possible and accessible.
Instead of working against thenervous system, which is what we
often do, particularly whenwe're acting from an unconscious
place, which many of us aremuch of the time, we tend to try
to push or force or shame orguilt or beat ourselves up in
order to try to get us to becomeunstuck, or we may end up just
(01:05):
avoiding things all together andall of these kinds of responses
to getting unstuck actuallycome from a survival place and
can end up creating morestuckness because you're feeling
more of a threat and you kindof dig in deeper into fight or
flight or freeze responses.
And I have been sharing avariety of steps that an
individual might consideraccessing in order to begin some
(01:28):
movement for themselves towardswhere they really want to be.
And I've been talking about howto tune into your nervous
system so that you can reallylet that guide you about what
steps make sense for you.
And today I will be continuingto talk about the take a step
approach, but I'm going to shifta little bit into talking about
how it can be used in arelationship rather than just
how it's used by an individual.
(01:49):
So I just want to start out bysaying that relationship is not
just something that's nice orcomfortable or that many people
would like to have.
Connection is actuallybiologically necessary.
So that means we needconnection to survive and
certainly to thrive.
Polyvagal theory talks abouthow our nervous system is
(02:10):
connected to our entire livedexperience, which means it
affects how we experienceourselves and other people and
the world.
One of the principles ofpolyvagal theory is
co-regulation and it is abouthow we need connection and how
important relationships are toour well-being and our overall
health.
This doesn't necessarily meanonly romantic partner
(02:31):
relationships, but today that iswhat I will be focusing on, and
the problem that we often havein relationship is that our
relationships may not feel safeand connected or enjoyable and
we often don't feel like we canrely on our partner or we don't
feel like we can be vulnerablewith them.
And this has to do with usfeeling unsafe in the
relationship.
We don't feel like we can workin partnership with our partner,
(02:53):
and this has to do with ourrelationship history.
The truth is is that we wereall hurt at some point in the
context of relationship, meaningthat at some point early on in
our lives, between us and ourcaregivers, our needs were not
met exactly as we needed them tobe met.
We were disappointed, we werelet down.
Something has happened to allof us because there's not one
(03:15):
caregiver, there's not oneparent, not one mother or father
who can meet their child'sneeds 100% of the time in
exactly the way that their childneeds.
So we all have experienced sometype of hurt in relationship.
Imago theory, in addition topolyvagal theory, are the two
guiding perspectives that I workfrom and through because they
truly resonate with me and theyreally make sense and connect to
(03:35):
my own lived experience.
And so Imago theory tells usthat since we are hurt in
relationship, healing must occuralso in relationship.
But we have a tendency tocontinue to recreate the
emotional challenges andhardships and chaos and hurts of
our early relationship in ourcurrent partner relationship, so
we miss these uniqueopportunities that actually are
(03:56):
there to help us grow, and itdoesn't feel like we lean on
connection or lean on ourpartner in times of struggle or
stress or hardship.
We often have a tendency to goaway from the relationship when
the relationship has gotten tothat place where things might be
difficult.
If you're in a relationshipwhere things are going really
well and you can rely on yourpartner and lean on your partner
and they can rely and lean onyou, that's absolutely wonderful
(04:19):
.
I'm thinking that people who aredrawn to my podcast may not
always feel that way in theirrelationship, even if they do
sometimes feel that they canrely on their partner or that
they can lean on their partner.
And so that's what I'm going tobe talking about today why it
can feel so tough to work inpartnership with someone who we
really want to work with andsomeone that we really love and
care for and who we believe loveand cares for us.
(04:40):
So when relationships are inthat challenging place, people
are often told that if they workon themselves, the relationship
will improve, and that is truein some ways, to a point.
But I'm here to tell you todaythat in order to have a healthy,
mutually satisfying, enjoyablerelationship, you must be
working with your partner,taking steps together.
(05:00):
Our society often supports areally toxic relationship
dynamic and there is a genderbias here, because in
heterosexual couples, the womanin the relationship is often
encouraged to keep doing herwork and the relationship work,
and they are told that theirwork alone will help the
relationship get better.
Like if you change the way thatone gear turns, the whole rest
(05:22):
of the system will change andthe man in the relationship is
seemingly let off the hook andthere's not always a lot of
expectation placed on him.
Now I do want to just say that,although I'm referencing
heterosexual couples, therelationship dynamics that I'm
talking about apply in all sortsof relationships, in same-sex
relationships, in relationshipsthat practice ethical
(05:42):
non-monogamy or polyamory.
So just to be clear, I don'tmean that this only applies in
heterosexual, cisgender couples,but it is very prevalent in
those kinds of relationships.
This is a truly harmful myththat we are fed about how
relationships work and it harmsboth partners, because a healthy
relationship involves bothpartners offering to and
(06:03):
receiving from the relationshipand it's not an even 50-50, 100%
of the time, of course.
But if there is not some sortof balance in the offering and
the receiving in therelationship, it is not going to
feel nourishing and satisfyingand meaningful for both partners
.
And this dynamic is soincredibly common and we see it
in many different contexts,because we often see that one
(06:25):
partner who might be consideredto have an anxious attachment
style may end up partnering withsomebody who would be
considered to have an avoidantattachment style.
Or we see one partner who couldbe considered an over performer
partnering with somebody whocould be considered an under
performer.
And we see this sort ofseemingly opposites attract
phenomenon.
It's not exactly an oppositesattract phenomenon.
(06:46):
It's actually more of acomplementary parts attraction.
But I will talk about that morein another episode.
But we see this happen andreally these different ways of
responding and handling thingsand interacting within the
relationship actually offer usopportunities for growth.
But we often don't know how torecognize what these
opportunities are or what to doabout them, and so we can get
(07:09):
really stuck in these roleswhere one person keeps putting
in effort and feels frustratedand they feel like they're doing
all this work and they'regetting resentful and angry
about it, and the other partneractually is also doing work, but
it's not always visible in thesame way, but it seems like
they're not doing anything andthey're feeling like they're
(07:29):
disappointing their partner allthe time, no matter how much
effort they put in.
And both people can stay in thisreally unhealthy, dysregulated
partnership for a really longtime, and that's one of the
reasons why relationships oftenend, because people get stuck in
this dynamic and they don'tknow how to get out of it.
Taking steps together is reallykey, but of course it makes
sense why people might say, yeah, that's great, I'd love to take
(07:53):
steps with my partner, but Ireally don't know how to make
that happen, because I'm eitherthe partner who feels like I'm
doing everything or I'm thepartner who I'm trying a lot but
none of my efforts seem to getrecognized and my partner seems
disappointed in me so frequently, and in both cases you may end
up feeling really hopeless aboutyour relationship.
In order to change this dynamic, we have to understand what's
(08:13):
actually happening, and what'simportant to know about this
dynamic is that it is rooted inour nervous system and our
partner's nervous system,because we can only connect when
our nervous system feels safeand if we feel like we're
putting in all the effort or wefeel like nothing we do is good
enough, we're not feeling safein the relationship and we stay
stuck in survival mode.
(08:33):
Being anxious is being stuck ina sympathetic fight or flight
survival mode, and beingdepressed or hopeless or
withdrawn is being stuck in adorsal, collapsed survival mode.
And when both partners are inthis dysregulated place, which
means that they're feeling aneed to protect themselves
because they're feeling unsafeor attacked or threatened in the
relationship, they stay out ofconnection with each other
(08:56):
because it doesn't feel likemoving towards each other is a
safe option for them.
And when we're locked in thisdynamic, one partner may often
be trying to take steps fortheir other partner by doing all
that extra work or putting inall that extra effort, or they
might be telling their partnerthe steps that they think they
should take.
All of this just feeds thatreally unhelpful cycle because
it contributes to both partnersreally feeling unsafe, unseen,
(09:18):
unheard, unsupported, insecure,unimportant, alone lots of
different, very unpleasantfeelings, and it keeps us
working separately instead ofworking together.
So the real key here ispartners being able to focus on
their own self-regulation, whichmeans essentially focusing on
helping your nervous system getback to a feeling of safety.
And when both partners are ableto do that, when they're both
(09:41):
feeling safe, then connection isavailable.
And then all of a sudden, allthese new possibilities can
begin to emerge.
When you and your partner areboth in ventral, when you have a
different view about somethinglike, for example, what step you
take, what needs to be done,what is helpful for the
relationship, it's not seen as athreat and you can actually
come to it with curiosity andsay, hmm, we think two different
(10:01):
things about what is the nextstep for us.
How can we communicate aboutthat?
As an Imago therapist, I usewhat we call the Imago
Intentional Dialogue, which is astructured type of
communication to be able to helppartners talk about these kinds
of conflicts with curiosity andcreate in a safe environment so
that they can explore what'sgoing on for themselves and for
(10:22):
each other, so they can figureout what the we needs.
What does the relationship need, rather than what I need or
what you need, or rather thanjust working separately, but it
actually helps partners be ableto come together.
Now, on the flip side, if yourpartner has a different
perspective than you and thatlands as a threat in your system
, a cue of danger, then youmight try to attack back or
(10:44):
fight back or fix or tell themwhat they should do or what they
need to do, or you might try toconvince them or even
manipulate them to try to dowhat we think they should do.
Or, when all other efforts fail, we might fall into that
avoidance, collapsed, give upkind of place.
And again, when we are in thisdance of dysregulation, when one
(11:05):
nervous system is in eitherthat fight or flight response of
sympathetic or that dorsalfreeze response, then we just
stay stuck and we can't accessthe ability to connect or
problem solve or be curious.
We also can't feel hopeful, bythe way.
So this is kind of a goodrelationship temperature check
just to ask yourself do I feelhopeful about my relationship
right now?
And if you can say yeah, I havesome hope, even if it's just a
(11:26):
little bit of hope, that meansthat you have some of that
ventral energy available to you,which means that your nervous
system is feeling safe enough.
Now, if you say nope, I don'thave hope.
I've been at this for a longtime.
We've been having the sameproblems for years and years.
We make progress and then wefall back, or something changes,
and then it changes back to theold way within a short period
(11:46):
of time.
No, I really don't see a wayforward.
I have to tell you that thisdoes not necessarily mean that
your relationship is absolutelyhopeless.
It's actually an indicator thatyour nervous system is
perceiving something that is acue of danger.
You're feeling threatenedsomehow, and so your nervous
system is in one of yoursurvival states and hope is not
actually available.
It's not accessible to you inthat particular moment.
(12:08):
So if you determine that youhave some ventral energy, then
you have a whole bunch ofoptions that are possibly
available to you.
It also depends if your partneris in a safe and regulated
state.
You can check out my previousepisode when helping your
partner hurts you both, whichtalks about how to pay attention
to your own nervous system sothat you can regulate and come
(12:30):
to the relationship and yourpartner in a way that is more
helpful for both of you, and itexplores how to create some
safety for your partner'snervous system.
And then, when you're bothconnected, then you can work on
figuring out what steps youwanna take together and how to
move forward in partnership.
What I really want you to takeaway from what I'm talking about
(12:51):
is the importance of regulatingyourself and your partner
regulating their own self, sonot you regulating each other,
but knowing that both of youworking on regulation is
absolutely key in being able tocome together in partnership and
work together so that you canboth figure out the steps to
take that move you towards arelationship that you both want
(13:13):
to have and be in, and in thenext episode I will talk more
about some specific steps thatyou and your partner may want to
consider taking that cansupport you in having a healthy,
meaningful and connected,satisfying relationship with
each other.
I also want you to really hearhow common it is to feel like
you can't work with your partner.
Or you're trying, or you'redoing everything you can, or
(13:34):
you're doing so much and feelingoverwhelmed and stressed out
and resentful about it, orfeeling like you're trying and
nothing is good enough andnothing you try seems to matter.
Those dynamics are soincredibly common and our
society tends to tell us, well,this relationship is toxic, or
chalk it up to differentattachment styles, or say, well,
if this is how the relationshipis, then you have to end it.
(13:56):
And certainly again.
I've said before and I'll sayagain there are absolutely
relationships where it makessense to end it.
But if we understand that thisis not necessarily the hallmarks
of a bad relationship, it'sactually the hallmark of two
dysregulated nervous systemsthat feel unsafe, and what we
are often trying to do to helpthe relationship is actually
contributing to our partnerfeeling unsafe, and vice versa.
(14:18):
What our partner might be doingto contribute to the
relationship feeling safe isactually ending up making us
feel more threatened.
And so what we have to be ableto do is start to notice how
we're feeling dysregulated, andso that we can regulate
ourselves and again go to thatplace of connection.
And I can tell you in my ownexperience I have been so
dysregulated for so much of mylife, both as an individual and
(14:39):
certainly in partnership with myhusband, and finally, after 21
years, the ratio of dysregulatedtime to regulated time is
shifting in a significant way,and it's because we are both
working on our own regulation.
Now I also want to tell you itdoesn't have to take you 21
years to make change and grow.
We were both really stuck andlearning about polyvagal theory
(15:02):
and being able to connect to ournervous system.
Experience has been a completeand total game changer for us.
Our healing process and ourability to work together has
changed drastically and iscontinuing to change drastically
, and it's a huge reason why Ieven started this podcast in the
first place, because after many, many years of feeling so stuck
in our relationship dynamics, Ifinally figured out the key
(15:25):
that made everything else sortof come together into a clearer
picture of what we needed to do.
So I just want to wrap up todaysaying that working together in
relationship is the way to havea healthy relationship, and that
seems fairly obvious, and maybesome people really already know
that.
But, like I said, we live in aworld where that is often not
actually the message that isgetting sent out.
(15:46):
It's okay for one person to dothe work of relationship and
that that's enough for therelationship to change.
I can tell you that is not true.
Again, you have to do your ownwork and, yes, you doing your
own work can contribute toshifts in the relationship.
Of course that's true, but itwill not get you the
relationship that you're lookingfor, where your needs can be
met and where you can expressyour own needs and where you can
(16:07):
feel like your needs are beingmet or recognized, or where you
feel like you can lean in, orwhere you feel you can breathe
and like let things go, likemeaning, like you don't have to
do it all, like you feel likeyou can trust your partner to do
their piece right, like you'renot going to see giant shifts on
those fronts.
So we will continue talkingabout how to take steps with
(16:27):
your partner and, of course, Iwill absolutely continue to talk
about more ways to regulate andnotice that you're dysregulated
, because that's actually thefirst step in regulating is to
notice I'm no longer feelingsafe, I've moved into survival,
and once you notice that, thenyou have some power.
If you don't notice that you'refeeling unsafe, you're not
(16:48):
really going to be able to takeaction to move towards safety.
So tune in next week to hearmore about taking steps with
your partner.
As our time comes to a close, Iask you to keep listening for
just a few more moments becauseI want to thank you for showing
up today and I want to leave youwith an invitation as you hit,
stop and move back out into theworld on your own unique
wellness journey In order tomove from where you are today to
the place where you want to be.
(17:09):
The path may seem long orunclear or unknown, and I want
you to know that if that seemsscary or daunting or downright
terrifying or anything else,that is totally okay.
Know that you do not have tocreate the whole way all at once
.
We don't travel a whole journeyin one stride, and that is why
(17:30):
my invitation to you today is totake a step, just one, any type
, any size, in any direction.
It can be an external step thatcan be observed or measured, or
it could be a step youvisualize taking in your mind.
It can be a step towards action, or towards rest or connection
or self-care, or whatever stepmakes sense to you.
(17:53):
I invite you to take a steptoday because getting to a place
that feels better, more joyful,more connected than the place
where you are today is possiblefor everyone, including you, and
even when depression is in yourbed.
If today's episode resonatedwith you please subscribe so you
can be notified when eachweekly episode gets released.
(18:15):
I encourage you to leave areview and reach out to me on
social media at trishsanderslcsw.
Your feedback will help guidefuture episodes and I love
hearing from you.
Also, please share this podcastwith anyone who you think may
be interested or who may getsomething from what I have
shared.
Until the next time we connect,take care of yourself and take
(18:36):
a step.
Hello and welcome to the when Depression is in your
Bed podcast.
Do you commonly feel like youare doing most of your
relationship work all on yourown?
Are you tired of feeling likeyour partner just isn't putting
in the effort that you do?
If you're longing for arelationship with your intimate
romantic partner to feel morelike a partnership, check out
today's episode to learn whatmay be getting in your way and
(00:22):
how you can actually begin totake steps together towards the
relationship that you both wantto create and enjoy.
I'm your host, trish Sanders,and I'm so glad that you're here
.
Let's get started.
Over the last several episodes,I have been talking about my
take a step approach to helpsomebody move out of a depressed
or disconnected, stuck place.
(00:42):
The approach works with thenervous system in order to make
change possible and accessible.
Instead of working against thenervous system, which is what we
often do, particularly whenwe're acting from an unconscious
place, which many of us aremuch of the time, we tend to try
to push or force or shame orguilt or beat ourselves up in
order to try to get us to becomeunstuck, or we may end up just
(01:05):
avoiding things all together andall of these kinds of responses
to getting unstuck actuallycome from a survival place and
can end up creating morestuckness because you're feeling
more of a threat and you kindof dig in deeper into fight or
flight or freeze responses.
And I have been sharing avariety of steps that an
individual might consideraccessing in order to begin some
(01:28):
movement for themselves towardswhere they really want to be.
And I've been talking about howto tune into your nervous
system so that you can reallylet that guide you about what
steps make sense for you.
And today I will be continuingto talk about the take a step
approach, but I'm going to shifta little bit into talking about
how it can be used in arelationship rather than just
how it's used by an individual.
(01:49):
So I just want to start out bysaying that relationship is not
just something that's nice orcomfortable or that many people
would like to have.
Connection is actuallybiologically necessary.
So that means we needconnection to survive and
certainly to thrive.
Polyvagal theory talks abouthow our nervous system is
(02:10):
connected to our entire livedexperience, which means it
affects how we experienceourselves and other people and
the world.
One of the principles ofpolyvagal theory is
co-regulation and it is abouthow we need connection and how
important relationships are toour well-being and our overall
health.
This doesn't necessarily meanonly romantic partner
(02:31):
relationships, but today that iswhat I will be focusing on, and
the problem that we often havein relationship is that our
relationships may not feel safeand connected or enjoyable and
we often don't feel like we canrely on our partner or we don't
feel like we can be vulnerablewith them.
And this has to do with usfeeling unsafe in the
relationship.
We don't feel like we can workin partnership with our partner,
(02:53):
and this has to do with ourrelationship history.
The truth is is that we wereall hurt at some point in the
context of relationship, meaningthat at some point early on in
our lives, between us and ourcaregivers, our needs were not
met exactly as we needed them tobe met.
We were disappointed, we werelet down.
Something has happened to allof us because there's not one
(03:15):
caregiver, there's not oneparent, not one mother or father
who can meet their child'sneeds 100% of the time in
exactly the way that their childneeds.
So we all have experienced sometype of hurt in relationship.
Imago theory, in addition topolyvagal theory, are the two
guiding perspectives that I workfrom and through because they
truly resonate with me and theyreally make sense and connect to
(03:35):
my own lived experience.
And so Imago theory tells usthat since we are hurt in
relationship, healing must occuralso in relationship.
But we have a tendency tocontinue to recreate the
emotional challenges andhardships and chaos and hurts of
our early relationship in ourcurrent partner relationship, so
we miss these uniqueopportunities that actually are
(03:56):
there to help us grow, and itdoesn't feel like we lean on
connection or lean on ourpartner in times of struggle or
stress or hardship.
We often have a tendency to goaway from the relationship when
the relationship has gotten tothat place where things might be
difficult.
If you're in a relationshipwhere things are going really
well and you can rely on yourpartner and lean on your partner
and they can rely and lean onyou, that's absolutely wonderful
(04:19):
.
I'm thinking that people who aredrawn to my podcast may not
always feel that way in theirrelationship, even if they do
sometimes feel that they canrely on their partner or that
they can lean on their partner.
And so that's what I'm going tobe talking about today why it
can feel so tough to work inpartnership with someone who we
really want to work with andsomeone that we really love and
care for and who we believe loveand cares for us.
(04:40):
So when relationships are inthat challenging place, people
are often told that if they workon themselves, the relationship
will improve, and that is truein some ways, to a point.
But I'm here to tell you todaythat in order to have a healthy,
mutually satisfying, enjoyablerelationship, you must be
working with your partner,taking steps together.
(05:00):
Our society often supports areally toxic relationship
dynamic and there is a genderbias here, because in
heterosexual couples, the womanin the relationship is often
encouraged to keep doing herwork and the relationship work,
and they are told that theirwork alone will help the
relationship get better.
Like if you change the way thatone gear turns, the whole rest
(05:22):
of the system will change andthe man in the relationship is
seemingly let off the hook andthere's not always a lot of
expectation placed on him.
Now I do want to just say that,although I'm referencing
heterosexual couples, therelationship dynamics that I'm
talking about apply in all sortsof relationships, in same-sex
relationships, in relationshipsthat practice ethical
(05:42):
non-monogamy or polyamory.
So just to be clear, I don'tmean that this only applies in
heterosexual, cisgender couples,but it is very prevalent in
those kinds of relationships.
This is a truly harmful myththat we are fed about how
relationships work and it harmsboth partners, because a healthy
relationship involves bothpartners offering to and
(06:03):
receiving from the relationshipand it's not an even 50-50, 100%
of the time, of course.
But if there is not some sortof balance in the offering and
the receiving in therelationship, it is not going to
feel nourishing and satisfyingand meaningful for both partners
.
And this dynamic is soincredibly common and we see it
in many different contexts,because we often see that one
(06:25):
partner who might be consideredto have an anxious attachment
style may end up partnering withsomebody who would be
considered to have an avoidantattachment style.
Or we see one partner who couldbe considered an over performer
partnering with somebody whocould be considered an under
performer.
And we see this sort ofseemingly opposites attract
phenomenon.
It's not exactly an oppositesattract phenomenon.
(06:46):
It's actually more of acomplementary parts attraction.
But I will talk about that morein another episode.
But we see this happen andreally these different ways of
responding and handling thingsand interacting within the
relationship actually offer usopportunities for growth.
But we often don't know how torecognize what these
opportunities are or what to doabout them, and so we can get
(07:09):
really stuck in these roleswhere one person keeps putting
in effort and feels frustratedand they feel like they're doing
all this work and they'regetting resentful and angry
about it, and the other partneractually is also doing work, but
it's not always visible in thesame way, but it seems like
they're not doing anything andthey're feeling like they're
(07:29):
disappointing their partner allthe time, no matter how much
effort they put in.
And both people can stay in thisreally unhealthy, dysregulated
partnership for a really longtime, and that's one of the
reasons why relationships oftenend, because people get stuck in
this dynamic and they don'tknow how to get out of it.
Taking steps together is reallykey, but of course it makes
sense why people might say, yeah, that's great, I'd love to take
(07:53):
steps with my partner, but Ireally don't know how to make
that happen, because I'm eitherthe partner who feels like I'm
doing everything or I'm thepartner who I'm trying a lot but
none of my efforts seem to getrecognized and my partner seems
disappointed in me so frequently, and in both cases you may end
up feeling really hopeless aboutyour relationship.
In order to change this dynamic, we have to understand what's
(08:13):
actually happening, and what'simportant to know about this
dynamic is that it is rooted inour nervous system and our
partner's nervous system,because we can only connect when
our nervous system feels safeand if we feel like we're
putting in all the effort or wefeel like nothing we do is good
enough, we're not feeling safein the relationship and we stay
stuck in survival mode.
(08:33):
Being anxious is being stuck ina sympathetic fight or flight
survival mode, and beingdepressed or hopeless or
withdrawn is being stuck in adorsal, collapsed survival mode.
And when both partners are inthis dysregulated place, which
means that they're feeling aneed to protect themselves
because they're feeling unsafeor attacked or threatened in the
relationship, they stay out ofconnection with each other
(08:56):
because it doesn't feel likemoving towards each other is a
safe option for them.
And when we're locked in thisdynamic, one partner may often
be trying to take steps fortheir other partner by doing all
that extra work or putting inall that extra effort, or they
might be telling their partnerthe steps that they think they
should take.
All of this just feeds thatreally unhelpful cycle because
it contributes to both partnersreally feeling unsafe, unseen,
(09:18):
unheard, unsupported, insecure,unimportant, alone lots of
different, very unpleasantfeelings, and it keeps us
working separately instead ofworking together.
So the real key here ispartners being able to focus on
their own self-regulation, whichmeans essentially focusing on
helping your nervous system getback to a feeling of safety.
And when both partners are ableto do that, when they're both
(09:41):
feeling safe, then connection isavailable.
And then all of a sudden, allthese new possibilities can
begin to emerge.
When you and your partner areboth in ventral, when you have a
different view about somethinglike, for example, what step you
take, what needs to be done,what is helpful for the
relationship, it's not seen as athreat and you can actually
come to it with curiosity andsay, hmm, we think two different
(10:01):
things about what is the nextstep for us.
How can we communicate aboutthat?
As an Imago therapist, I usewhat we call the Imago
Intentional Dialogue, which is astructured type of
communication to be able to helppartners talk about these kinds
of conflicts with curiosity andcreate in a safe environment so
that they can explore what'sgoing on for themselves and for
(10:22):
each other, so they can figureout what the we needs.
What does the relationship need, rather than what I need or
what you need, or rather thanjust working separately, but it
actually helps partners be ableto come together.
Now, on the flip side, if yourpartner has a different
perspective than you and thatlands as a threat in your system
, a cue of danger, then youmight try to attack back or
(10:44):
fight back or fix or tell themwhat they should do or what they
need to do, or you might try toconvince them or even
manipulate them to try to dowhat we think they should do.
Or, when all other efforts fail, we might fall into that
avoidance, collapsed, give upkind of place.
And again, when we are in thisdance of dysregulation, when one
(11:05):
nervous system is in eitherthat fight or flight response of
sympathetic or that dorsalfreeze response, then we just
stay stuck and we can't accessthe ability to connect or
problem solve or be curious.
We also can't feel hopeful, bythe way.
So this is kind of a goodrelationship temperature check
just to ask yourself do I feelhopeful about my relationship
right now?
And if you can say yeah, I havesome hope, even if it's just a
(11:26):
little bit of hope, that meansthat you have some of that
ventral energy available to you,which means that your nervous
system is feeling safe enough.
Now, if you say nope, I don'thave hope.
I've been at this for a longtime.
We've been having the sameproblems for years and years.
We make progress and then wefall back, or something changes,
and then it changes back to theold way within a short period
(11:46):
of time.
No, I really don't see a wayforward.
I have to tell you that thisdoes not necessarily mean that
your relationship is absolutelyhopeless.
It's actually an indicator thatyour nervous system is
perceiving something that is acue of danger.
You're feeling threatenedsomehow, and so your nervous
system is in one of yoursurvival states and hope is not
actually available.
It's not accessible to you inthat particular moment.
(12:08):
So if you determine that youhave some ventral energy, then
you have a whole bunch ofoptions that are possibly
available to you.
It also depends if your partneris in a safe and regulated
state.
You can check out my previousepisode when helping your
partner hurts you both, whichtalks about how to pay attention
to your own nervous system sothat you can regulate and come
(12:30):
to the relationship and yourpartner in a way that is more
helpful for both of you, and itexplores how to create some
safety for your partner'snervous system.
And then, when you're bothconnected, then you can work on
figuring out what steps youwanna take together and how to
move forward in partnership.
What I really want you to takeaway from what I'm talking about
(12:51):
is the importance of regulatingyourself and your partner
regulating their own self, sonot you regulating each other,
but knowing that both of youworking on regulation is
absolutely key in being able tocome together in partnership and
work together so that you canboth figure out the steps to
take that move you towards arelationship that you both want
(13:13):
to have and be in, and in thenext episode I will talk more
about some specific steps thatyou and your partner may want to
consider taking that cansupport you in having a healthy,
meaningful and connected,satisfying relationship with
each other.
I also want you to really hearhow common it is to feel like
you can't work with your partner.
Or you're trying, or you'redoing everything you can, or
(13:34):
you're doing so much and feelingoverwhelmed and stressed out
and resentful about it, orfeeling like you're trying and
nothing is good enough andnothing you try seems to matter.
Those dynamics are soincredibly common and our
society tends to tell us, well,this relationship is toxic, or
chalk it up to differentattachment styles, or say, well,
if this is how the relationshipis, then you have to end it.
(13:56):
And certainly again.
I've said before and I'll sayagain there are absolutely
relationships where it makessense to end it.
But if we understand that thisis not necessarily the hallmarks
of a bad relationship, it'sactually the hallmark of two
dysregulated nervous systemsthat feel unsafe, and what we
are often trying to do to helpthe relationship is actually
contributing to our partnerfeeling unsafe, and vice versa.
(14:18):
What our partner might be doingto contribute to the
relationship feeling safe isactually ending up making us
feel more threatened.
And so what we have to be ableto do is start to notice how
we're feeling dysregulated, andso that we can regulate
ourselves and again go to thatplace of connection.
And I can tell you in my ownexperience I have been so
dysregulated for so much of mylife, both as an individual and
(14:39):
certainly in partnership with myhusband, and finally, after 21
years, the ratio of dysregulatedtime to regulated time is
shifting in a significant way,and it's because we are both
working on our own regulation.
Now I also want to tell you itdoesn't have to take you 21
years to make change and grow.
We were both really stuck andlearning about polyvagal theory
(15:02):
and being able to connect to ournervous system.
Experience has been a completeand total game changer for us.
Our healing process and ourability to work together has
changed drastically and iscontinuing to change drastically
, and it's a huge reason why Ieven started this podcast in the
first place, because after many, many years of feeling so stuck
in our relationship dynamics, Ifinally figured out the key
(15:25):
that made everything else sortof come together into a clearer
picture of what we needed to do.
So I just want to wrap up todaysaying that working together in
relationship is the way to havea healthy relationship, and that
seems fairly obvious, and maybesome people really already know
that.
But, like I said, we live in aworld where that is often not
actually the message that isgetting sent out.
(15:46):
It's okay for one person to dothe work of relationship and
that that's enough for therelationship to change.
I can tell you that is not true.
Again, you have to do your ownwork and, yes, you doing your
own work can contribute toshifts in the relationship.
Of course that's true, but itwill not get you the
relationship that you're lookingfor, where your needs can be
met and where you can expressyour own needs and where you can
(16:07):
feel like your needs are beingmet or recognized, or where you
feel like you can lean in, orwhere you feel you can breathe
and like let things go, likemeaning, like you don't have to
do it all, like you feel likeyou can trust your partner to do
their piece right, like you'renot going to see giant shifts on
those fronts.
So we will continue talkingabout how to take steps with
(16:27):
your partner and, of course, Iwill absolutely continue to talk
about more ways to regulate andnotice that you're dysregulated
, because that's actually thefirst step in regulating is to
notice I'm no longer feelingsafe, I've moved into survival,
and once you notice that, thenyou have some power.
If you don't notice that you'refeeling unsafe, you're not
(16:48):
really going to be able to takeaction to move towards safety.
So tune in next week to hearmore about taking steps with
your partner.
As our time comes to a close, Iask you to keep listening for
just a few more moments becauseI want to thank you for showing
up today and I want to leave youwith an invitation as you hit,
stop and move back out into theworld on your own unique
wellness journey In order tomove from where you are today to
the place where you want to be.
(17:09):
The path may seem long orunclear or unknown, and I want
you to know that if that seemsscary or daunting or downright
terrifying or anything else,that is totally okay.
Know that you do not have tocreate the whole way all at once
.
We don't travel a whole journeyin one stride, and that is why
(17:30):
my invitation to you today is totake a step, just one, any type
, any size, in any direction.
It can be an external step thatcan be observed or measured, or
it could be a step youvisualize taking in your mind.
It can be a step towards action, or towards rest or connection
or self-care, or whatever stepmakes sense to you.
(17:53):
I invite you to take a steptoday because getting to a place
that feels better, more joyful,more connected than the place
where you are today is possiblefor everyone, including you, and
even when depression is in yourbed.
If today's episode resonatedwith you please subscribe so you
can be notified when eachweekly episode gets released.
(18:15):
I encourage you to leave areview and reach out to me on
social media at trishsanderslcsw.
Your feedback will help guidefuture episodes and I love
hearing from you.
Also, please share this podcastwith anyone who you think may
be interested or who may getsomething from what I have
shared.
Until the next time we connect,take care of yourself and take
(18:36):
a step.
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