August 20, 2025 • 17 mins
Have you ever caught yourself thinking your relationship will never change? That moment of hopelessness is precisely what makes breakthrough moments of connection so powerful—when something shifts and you glimpse what's possible through conscious partnership.
In this vulnerable and insightful episode, I share a recent experience that validated years of relationship work with my husband. After two chaotic weeks dealing with a flooded basement, a sick child with pneumonia, missed family visits, and the stress of upcoming travel plans, my nervous system was completely dysregulated. I felt disconnected, overwhelmed, and caught in old interpretations about my relationship.
What happened next demonstrates the profound difference between unconscious and conscious partnership. Despite my dysregulation, I chose to reach out to my husband with honesty about my emotional state. His response—warm, understanding, and exactly what I needed—not only provided immediate relief but also showed me that our years of work with Imago therapy and polyvagal theory were bearing fruit.
This episode explores the fascinating connection between nervous system states and our interpretations of reality. When we're dysregulated, our thoughts become dysregulated too, creating stories that often aren't accurate. Learning to recognize this pattern without automatically believing those thoughts is a cornerstone of conscious relating.
While conscious partnership requires effort, I've discovered that unconscious relating demands far more energy and creates much more suffering. Even in the midst of life's inevitable chaos, we can make choices that align with the relationships we truly want to create.
Join me for this exploration of real relationship transformation, and discover how even small moments of conscious connection can shift your partnership in meaningful ways. Subscribe for weekly episodes that offer practical insights for navigating relationships, even when depression is in your bed.
- If you and your partner are ready to co-create the roadmap to the relationship of your dreams, join us for the next in-person "Getting the Love You Want" Weekend Couples Retreat!
For support in how to have deeper connections and better communication in the relationships that matter most in your life, follow the host, Trish Sanders on Instagram , Bluesky or LinkedIn.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
Hello and welcome to the One Depression Is In your
Bed podcast.
Have you ever had that hopelesskind of feeling in your
relationship when you start tobelieve that things will
absolutely never change?
Honestly, I've had that thoughtmore times than I can count,
which is part of the reason whyit feels so incredibly awesome
when some positive, welcome,desirable new thing happens
(00:23):
between my husband and I, andthat is exactly the kind of
moment I'm going to share abouttoday in this episode that is a
part of my series on consciouspartnership stories.
I'm your host, trish Sanders,and I am delighted that you are
here.
Let's get started.
Being in a relationship can bereally hard at times, especially
(00:45):
if you and your partner arecaught in unconscious
self-protective patterns, and myhusband and I have definitely
been caught in those kinds ofrepetitive traps for probably
the better part of our twodecades together.
However, we also continue to doour own individual work and our
own relational work, and thingshave absolutely improved,
(01:08):
particularly over the last 10years, when we really started to
dive into Imago, relationshiptheory and therapy, and then
also, we got a real boost overthe last few years that we've
been working with polyvagaltheory, which is an approach
that involves our nervous system, and so, essentially, the two
(01:30):
together gave us the ability tounderstand the underlying
processes underneath thatunconscious stuff that was
happening in our relationship,and then the communication tools
to talk about them.
That's what Imago therapy isall about, and polyvagal theory
gave us that vitally importantpiece of how the nervous system
is a part of all of that, and so, with this continued work and
commitment to each other andourselves and to our well-being
and the health and happiness ofour relationship, we've really
(01:52):
been able to get to a placewhere, more and more, I am in
awe of being able to haveexperiences that are new and
that feel connecting and joyfuland are much more the kinds of
experiences that I've beenlonging to have for a very long
time, and our relationship isfeeling more and more like the
relationship I want it to feellike, and the reality is is that
(02:12):
life keeps lifing and there'sstresses and hardships and
twists and turns in the road,and we can't always anticipate
them, and no matter how muchmeditation I do which, of course
, I think is very helpful is notgoing to stop things from
having an impact on me and myrelationship and, of course, on
Ben himself, my husband, andthat's going to affect how we
(02:33):
respond to each other and how wehandle our day to day.
But the more conscious I'vebecome, the more I've been able
to expand my awareness aboutwhat's really going on and the
more I understand my ownreactions and of course also
Ben's reactions or myinterpretations about what Ben's
reactions are the better I'mable to respond to life when the
twists and the turns get to beparticularly challenging.
(02:55):
And over the last two weeksI've had quite a winding, twisty
road and it's been quitechallenging.
Actually, it's probably beenthe most dysregulated and the
most unbalanced I've felt inquite some time, certainly for
such a long stretch, because alot of things have just kind of
been happening sort of one afteranother over the last two weeks
(03:15):
and I haven't had a lot ofdowntime, which has also been
challenging.
I mentioned over the last coupleof episodes that my basement
flooded two weeks ago, so that Ithink sort of was the start of
it.
I had a lot of feelings, I hada grief experience that was
activated through that and thenjust the chaos and the upheaval
of ripping out the basement andhaving my whole house be in
(03:36):
disorder, in more disorder thanusual, and that was sort of the
beginning of what felt like areally chaotic time.
And then we went on vacation,which was wonderful.
We went up to Niagara Falls,but we drove up six hours.
We had a beautiful day atNiagara Falls, that was amazing.
And then we drove home back sixhours the next day and we
realized that my daughter wassick.
(03:58):
She had a fever when we werecoming home and the fever went
into what became pneumonia andthat week she was supposed to be
in camp but because she wassick, of course she didn't go.
And I had plans for that wholeweek of all the work that I was
going to get done, because Iknew that she wasn't going to be
in camp for a couple of weeksand we still have a month or so
before school starts that wholeweek, as far as my work went,
(04:19):
was totally a wash, and then Iended up getting sick and having
a fever for a couple of days inthere.
Then my sister and her partnerand my nephew came to visit from
overseas and I was so excitedabout their visit.
But my daughter was sick andhad a fever and so we couldn't
participate in some of the plans.
And then my mother-in-law cameto visit for the weekend and she
was supposed to stay with usbut because of the flood she
(04:40):
couldn't and our house again wassuper crazy and my husband of
course was going to spend timewith his mom, so he was busy a
lot with her while I was home alot with our daughter and I felt
super overwhelmed because wewere supposed to have other
plans and we are also going toCalifornia with my sister and my
nephew to go see the Redwoodsand I just felt wholly
(05:00):
unprepared for all of that.
Given everything.
That just felt like a verychaotic couple of weeks and
perhaps in differentcircumstances or if those things
were spread out, maybe Iwouldn't have been thrown so
much for a loop.
But realistically I was prettydysregulated Because, like I
said, it just kind of felt likeI wasn't able to catch my breath
.
It just felt like there waslike something else going on or
(05:21):
some other disappointment or letdown Because again, I was so
excited about my sister comingand I was really quite
heartbroken that I wasn't ableto do certain things with her
and my nephew.
And of course I understood mydaughter was sick and obviously
that was my priority, but itdidn't change the fact that I
felt really sad about missingout and I just felt like I
couldn't get ahead of myself.
I couldn't get all the thingsthat needed to be done for the
house and the basement and thetrip that we had coming up, and
(05:43):
my daughter was not respondingto antibiotic and I had to keep
bringing her the doctor, andthat feels really challenging as
well, and I was again run downin the middle of that.
So my head was spinning andeven though I was definitely
using some of my tools, like mymeditation and my breathing, it
doesn't change that these thingsare happening, although it does
help my body respond and I wasable to keep myself much better
(06:04):
anchored than perhaps I wouldhave in the past.
However, I was still prettydysregulated and feeling pretty
off balance for most of the lastcouple of weeks, and also
because of where our focusneeded to be.
I think I also ended up feelingpretty disconnected from my
husband, ben.
I did want to connect with myhusband, but I also had a lot of
dysregulation happening andwhen you're so dysregulated, the
(06:25):
interpretations that you'remaking about what's going on in
your life are also dysregulated.
So I had a lot of dysregulatedinterpretations and stories
going on in my head and I feltvery powerless and hopeless and
very drained and disconnectedand it was quite challenging for
me but I was able to anchorenough in that grounded ventral
energy, that nervous systemstate of calm connection.
(06:48):
Not completely, I definitelywas leaning towards
dysregulation, but I still hadan anchor, kind of rooting
myself a bit, and it was reallyhelpful, even though it was also
still really difficult.
I kind of felt like I was onthat tilt-a-whirl ride, if you
know that ride, and I felt likeI was in the little car and I
was spinning and I couldn't slowdown the momentum of the ride
(07:10):
because I wasn't controllingthat.
That was like all the thingsthat were happening for me and
so I was definitely spinning andthat's very much what it felt
like.
My head was spinning but becauseI was rooted enough, I was able
to not spin that wheel to makemyself spin more and make myself
more dizzy or sick, which Ithink could be figurative or
even literal, because I thinkthat when we're spinning out of
(07:32):
control like that, we can feelemotionally or physically ill.
So even though I wasn't able tomake everything better
magically or quickly, I was ableto keep things from getting
worse, which is sort of one ofmy keys in how to deal with
depression that you can't alwaysmake yourself feel better, but
you do have quite a bit ofability to not make things worse
(07:52):
.
And so that's kind of where Iwas at for a lot of the last
couple of weeks really beingable to maintain the level of
challenge that I wasexperiencing without making it
worse.
I also was trying to reallyhold on to the idea that this is
temporary and I was able toremind myself that it will not
last forever, even though therewere definitely moments where I
was fearing that it would lastforever or things would never
(08:13):
get better or things would neverend.
They kind of just felt likethey kept coming.
And again, when your nervoussystem is dysregulated, your
thoughts are also dysregulatedand the interpretations that you
make about what's going on isdysregulated.
They're linked to the state ofyour nervous system.
So when I was in that swirlingspinning place, I was very
chaotic, feeling veryoverwhelmed, very frantic.
Again, I was able to stay justrooted enough that I didn't
(08:36):
totally spin off into the mostoverwhelmed I could feel.
But there was also momentswhere I went into that more shut
down dorsal state and wastouching on that hopelessness
and feeling very disconnectedfrom my sister because I was
missing out seeing her anddisconnected from my husband and
even very disconnected frommyself.
And my thoughts can get prettydark, even now still not nearly
(08:58):
as frequently and not nearly asdark as they used to.
But when you're in that dorsal,dark place, your thoughts just
sort of reflect that and I wasable to notice that and not
believe the stories, not believethe hopelessness, not believe
that this was going to lastforever.
And that was really helpfulbecause those served me in
helping me to not make thingsworse and I was also able to
(09:18):
talk to myself with compassionas much as I possibly could.
Maybe not in every moment, tobe totally honest, but in many
moments I was able to say hey,look, a lot's happening right
now.
Of course you're missing yoursister.
Of course it's never fun whenyou have a sick kid or you're
sick yourself.
Obviously no one likes aflooded basement, but it's going
to be OK eventually in one wayor another in the end.
(09:39):
And I just need to sort of likeride this wave and transition
through all of these things thatwere feeling difficult, and I
was able to do that enough thatI was able to sort of stay
afloat, no-transcript,dysregulated, and then that will
(10:26):
escalate and make me becomemore dysregulated.
And then up and up and up wecan trigger each other very well
.
So part of me was feeling prettypessimistic about connecting
with Ben.
But another part of me was likewell, hey, what do you really
want to do here?
Do you really want to staystuck in this?
And I did not want to staystuck in that.
So I decided to reach out andtry to connect with Ben a little
bit.
But again, I was superdysregulated and definitely not
(10:48):
at my best.
So when I went to Ben itsounded something like me saying
to him listen, I'm reallydysregulated.
It sounded something like mesaying to him listen, I'm really
dysregulated.
I have a lot of feelings goingon right now.
I'm not sure how well I canconnect, but I would like to
connect.
And I sort of braced myself alittle bit because I kind of was
waiting for that old story,that old expectation that I had
going on, to happen.
But Ben actually just looked atme and said, wow, that really
makes sense.
(11:08):
I know you've had a lot goingon and I totally understand.
I also want to connect.
Do you want to hug and I waslike wow, I mean it wasn't the
first time that he wassupportive in response.
But compared to that old storythat I was holding, that felt
totally new and refreshing andwonderful.
And I immediately noticed thatmy nervous system calmed down a
little bit.
But I wasn't quite ready toconnect that fully and because,
(11:31):
again, dysregulation just meansyou're in self-protection mode
and I was still a bit in thatself-protective place, I wasn't
yet in a place where I felt safeenough to be vulnerable for a
hug and I was able to tell himthat I appreciated his response
and that it meant a lot to meand that I felt really supported
and that I looked forward tobeing able to connect more when
I felt more available.
(11:52):
And he handled it beautifullyand responded beautifully and I
was so incredibly grateful forthat.
Not only in that moment was Igrateful for it, because I was
consciously in that moment veryaware of how wonderful that felt
, but it really set the tone forme to feel calmer and more
connected for the entire rest ofthe day and my nervous system
definitely calmed down and I wasable to feel closer and more
(12:13):
connected to Ben in a way thathad I either not talked to him
at all, or had I gone to him andthings went in one of our old
patterns where we kind oftriggered each other and
dysregulated each other more andmore, there would have been
more rupture, that would havehappened and I would have felt
more and more disconnected fromhim.
But instead the total oppositehappened and it was really
reassuring and really validatingfor all the work that we've
(12:33):
been doing.
And since that moment that wasa couple of days ago that we had
that conversation, it's stillbeen challenging.
Just, life has continued to be alittle hectic, but that is life
, and we've continued to makethe best of it and try to figure
out how to connect and how toself-regulate, each of us on our
own and then also co-regulatingtogether.
We're preparing to leave on atrip to California in a couple
(12:56):
of days, which also feels alittle bit overwhelming at the
moment, because usually I'm moreprepared for trips and right
now, with all that's been goingon, I am not nearly as prepared
as I would like to be.
But I also know that it's goingto be a really wonderful trip
and that's my intention and soI'm able to choose behaviors
that support that intention.
And I know that being chaoticand overwhelmed and feeling
(13:17):
frantic will not help that atall.
And so I'm figuring out how toslow down and do what needs to
be done, knowing that it's goingto get done.
And it's either going to getdone with me feeling crazed and
overwhelmed or it's gonna getdone with me taking a breath and
slowing down.
And knowing that I'll figure itout, because I always have and
I always will, and Ben and Itogether definitely can be an
(13:38):
excellent team.
And that feels pretty awesometo say, because it's definitely
what I want, that's therelationship I want to have, and
I think that's the relationshipI do have.
And if I can act consciouslyand make choices that are in
alignment with the life and therelationship I want to have,
then I'm much more likely tohave that life and relationship
Right.
And it does take effort to be aconscious person and be in a
(14:01):
conscious partnership, andsometimes it's hard and it
doesn't mean that life isperfect all the time, because
that's not how life is but beingunconscious and letting my
thoughts go wherever they go andbelieving the interpretations
that are in my head, which,again, this is amazing
information that I've onlylearned in the last couple of
years.
The stories we have, theinterpretations, our thoughts
about what's happening in anygiven situation are connected to
(14:22):
the state our nervous system isin.
I have other episodes aboutthat, if you're interested in
checking that out.
It's amazing, and for me toknow that I can tell myself okay
, this thought means something,but word for word it's not
accurate.
So I could be curious insteadof just believing the thoughts
that are in my head, and I thinkthat that to me, is key to know
.
As a conscious person, I canchoose to either believe the
(14:44):
thoughts in my head at facevalue or I can choose to be
curious about them and what dothey mean and what are the needs
underneath them and what do Ireally want and how can I
support that.
And thinking about yourthoughts and being curious about
your thoughts is reallypowerful and it has served me
very well and this was adelightful experience for me
(15:05):
where I was able to see the realbenefit in my actual
relationship with Ben.
And, like I said, I think thatit can take a lot of work to be
a conscious partner, but I knowwhat it's like to be an
unconscious partner and it's alot more work actually.
It's a lot more draining, a lotmore painful and a lot more
unhappy.
Lot more work.
Actually.
It's a lot more draining, a lotmore painful and a lot more
unhappy, and I feel reallyconfident that we're going to
(15:25):
have a beautiful trip togetherand it's going to be a
delightful family experience andI'm going to be able to share a
wonderful time with not onlyBen, but also our kids and also
my sister and my nephew, and Ithink it's going to be a really
magical experience.
And had I not been able to takecare of myself and stay just
anchored enough, I think Iprobably would have spoiled the
(15:47):
trip in some way, because Iwould have brought some of that
dysregulated energy into thetrip in a way that I think I'm
not going to.
So I will probably update youafter the trip and let you know
how it went, but I'm hoping tobring my conscious, imperfect,
as regulated as possible self tothe trip, and I think that
that's the best I can do.
So stay tuned and I will updateyou next time how everything
(16:10):
went.
As our time comes to a close, Iask you to keep listening for
just a few more moments, becauseI want to thank you for showing
up today and I want to leaveyou with an invitation as you
hit stop and move back out intothe world on your own unique
wellness journey In order tomove from where you are today to
the place where you want to be.
(16:30):
The path may seem long orunclear or unknown, and I want
you to know that if that seemsscary or daunting or downright
terrifying or anything else,that is totally okay.
Know that you do not have tocreate the whole way all at once
.
We don't travel a whole journeyin one stride, and that is why
(16:51):
my invitation to you today is totake a step, just one, any type
, any size, in any direction.
It can be an external step thatcan be observed or measured, or
it could be a step youvisualize, taking in your mind.
It can be a step towards actionor towards rest or connection
or self-care, or whatever stepmakes sense to you.
(17:13):
I invite you to take a steptoday, because getting to a
place that feels better, morejoyful, more connected than the
place where you are today ispossible for everyone, including
you, and even when depressionis in your bed.
If today's episode resonatedwith you, please subscribe so
you can be notified when eachweekly episode gets released.
(17:35):
I encourage you to leave areview and reach out to me on
social media at trishsanderslcsw.
Your feedback will help guidefuture episodes and I love
hearing from you.
Also.
Please share this podcast withanyone who you think may be
interested or who may getsomething from what I have
shared.
Until the next time we connect,take care of yourself and take
(17:57):
a step.
Hello and welcome to the One Depression Is In your
Bed podcast.
Have you ever had that hopelesskind of feeling in your
relationship when you start tobelieve that things will
absolutely never change?
Honestly, I've had that thoughtmore times than I can count,
which is part of the reason whyit feels so incredibly awesome
when some positive, welcome,desirable new thing happens
(00:23):
between my husband and I, andthat is exactly the kind of
moment I'm going to share abouttoday in this episode that is a
part of my series on consciouspartnership stories.
I'm your host, trish Sanders,and I am delighted that you are
here.
Let's get started.
Being in a relationship can bereally hard at times, especially
(00:45):
if you and your partner arecaught in unconscious
self-protective patterns, and myhusband and I have definitely
been caught in those kinds ofrepetitive traps for probably
the better part of our twodecades together.
However, we also continue to doour own individual work and our
own relational work, and thingshave absolutely improved,
(01:08):
particularly over the last 10years, when we really started to
dive into Imago, relationshiptheory and therapy, and then
also, we got a real boost overthe last few years that we've
been working with polyvagaltheory, which is an approach
that involves our nervous system, and so, essentially, the two
(01:30):
together gave us the ability tounderstand the underlying
processes underneath thatunconscious stuff that was
happening in our relationship,and then the communication tools
to talk about them.
That's what Imago therapy isall about, and polyvagal theory
gave us that vitally importantpiece of how the nervous system
is a part of all of that, and so, with this continued work and
commitment to each other andourselves and to our well-being
and the health and happiness ofour relationship, we've really
(01:52):
been able to get to a placewhere, more and more, I am in
awe of being able to haveexperiences that are new and
that feel connecting and joyfuland are much more the kinds of
experiences that I've beenlonging to have for a very long
time, and our relationship isfeeling more and more like the
relationship I want it to feellike, and the reality is is that
(02:12):
life keeps lifing and there'sstresses and hardships and
twists and turns in the road,and we can't always anticipate
them, and no matter how muchmeditation I do which, of course
, I think is very helpful is notgoing to stop things from
having an impact on me and myrelationship and, of course, on
Ben himself, my husband, andthat's going to affect how we
(02:33):
respond to each other and how wehandle our day to day.
But the more conscious I'vebecome, the more I've been able
to expand my awareness aboutwhat's really going on and the
more I understand my ownreactions and of course also
Ben's reactions or myinterpretations about what Ben's
reactions are the better I'mable to respond to life when the
twists and the turns get to beparticularly challenging.
(02:55):
And over the last two weeksI've had quite a winding, twisty
road and it's been quitechallenging.
Actually, it's probably beenthe most dysregulated and the
most unbalanced I've felt inquite some time, certainly for
such a long stretch, because alot of things have just kind of
been happening sort of one afteranother over the last two weeks
(03:15):
and I haven't had a lot ofdowntime, which has also been
challenging.
I mentioned over the last coupleof episodes that my basement
flooded two weeks ago, so that Ithink sort of was the start of
it.
I had a lot of feelings, I hada grief experience that was
activated through that and thenjust the chaos and the upheaval
of ripping out the basement andhaving my whole house be in
(03:36):
disorder, in more disorder thanusual, and that was sort of the
beginning of what felt like areally chaotic time.
And then we went on vacation,which was wonderful.
We went up to Niagara Falls,but we drove up six hours.
We had a beautiful day atNiagara Falls, that was amazing.
And then we drove home back sixhours the next day and we
realized that my daughter wassick.
(03:58):
She had a fever when we werecoming home and the fever went
into what became pneumonia andthat week she was supposed to be
in camp but because she wassick, of course she didn't go.
And I had plans for that wholeweek of all the work that I was
going to get done, because Iknew that she wasn't going to be
in camp for a couple of weeksand we still have a month or so
before school starts that wholeweek, as far as my work went,
(04:19):
was totally a wash, and then Iended up getting sick and having
a fever for a couple of days inthere.
Then my sister and her partnerand my nephew came to visit from
overseas and I was so excitedabout their visit.
But my daughter was sick andhad a fever and so we couldn't
participate in some of the plans.
And then my mother-in-law cameto visit for the weekend and she
was supposed to stay with usbut because of the flood she
(04:40):
couldn't and our house again wassuper crazy and my husband of
course was going to spend timewith his mom, so he was busy a
lot with her while I was home alot with our daughter and I felt
super overwhelmed because wewere supposed to have other
plans and we are also going toCalifornia with my sister and my
nephew to go see the Redwoodsand I just felt wholly
(05:00):
unprepared for all of that.
Given everything.
That just felt like a verychaotic couple of weeks and
perhaps in differentcircumstances or if those things
were spread out, maybe Iwouldn't have been thrown so
much for a loop.
But realistically I was prettydysregulated Because, like I
said, it just kind of felt likeI wasn't able to catch my breath
.
It just felt like there waslike something else going on or
(05:21):
some other disappointment or letdown Because again, I was so
excited about my sister comingand I was really quite
heartbroken that I wasn't ableto do certain things with her
and my nephew.
And of course I understood mydaughter was sick and obviously
that was my priority, but itdidn't change the fact that I
felt really sad about missingout and I just felt like I
couldn't get ahead of myself.
I couldn't get all the thingsthat needed to be done for the
house and the basement and thetrip that we had coming up, and
(05:43):
my daughter was not respondingto antibiotic and I had to keep
bringing her the doctor, andthat feels really challenging as
well, and I was again run downin the middle of that.
So my head was spinning andeven though I was definitely
using some of my tools, like mymeditation and my breathing, it
doesn't change that these thingsare happening, although it does
help my body respond and I wasable to keep myself much better
(06:04):
anchored than perhaps I wouldhave in the past.
However, I was still prettydysregulated and feeling pretty
off balance for most of the lastcouple of weeks, and also
because of where our focusneeded to be.
I think I also ended up feelingpretty disconnected from my
husband, ben.
I did want to connect with myhusband, but I also had a lot of
dysregulation happening andwhen you're so dysregulated, the
(06:25):
interpretations that you'remaking about what's going on in
your life are also dysregulated.
So I had a lot of dysregulatedinterpretations and stories
going on in my head and I feltvery powerless and hopeless and
very drained and disconnectedand it was quite challenging for
me but I was able to anchorenough in that grounded ventral
energy, that nervous systemstate of calm connection.
(06:48):
Not completely, I definitelywas leaning towards
dysregulation, but I still hadan anchor, kind of rooting
myself a bit, and it was reallyhelpful, even though it was also
still really difficult.
I kind of felt like I was onthat tilt-a-whirl ride, if you
know that ride, and I felt likeI was in the little car and I
was spinning and I couldn't slowdown the momentum of the ride
(07:10):
because I wasn't controllingthat.
That was like all the thingsthat were happening for me and
so I was definitely spinning andthat's very much what it felt
like.
My head was spinning but becauseI was rooted enough, I was able
to not spin that wheel to makemyself spin more and make myself
more dizzy or sick, which Ithink could be figurative or
even literal, because I thinkthat when we're spinning out of
(07:32):
control like that, we can feelemotionally or physically ill.
So even though I wasn't able tomake everything better
magically or quickly, I was ableto keep things from getting
worse, which is sort of one ofmy keys in how to deal with
depression that you can't alwaysmake yourself feel better, but
you do have quite a bit ofability to not make things worse
(07:52):
.
And so that's kind of where Iwas at for a lot of the last
couple of weeks really beingable to maintain the level of
challenge that I wasexperiencing without making it
worse.
I also was trying to reallyhold on to the idea that this is
temporary and I was able toremind myself that it will not
last forever, even though therewere definitely moments where I
was fearing that it would lastforever or things would never
(08:13):
get better or things would neverend.
They kind of just felt likethey kept coming.
And again, when your nervoussystem is dysregulated, your
thoughts are also dysregulatedand the interpretations that you
make about what's going on isdysregulated.
They're linked to the state ofyour nervous system.
So when I was in that swirlingspinning place, I was very
chaotic, feeling veryoverwhelmed, very frantic.
Again, I was able to stay justrooted enough that I didn't
(08:36):
totally spin off into the mostoverwhelmed I could feel.
But there was also momentswhere I went into that more shut
down dorsal state and wastouching on that hopelessness
and feeling very disconnectedfrom my sister because I was
missing out seeing her anddisconnected from my husband and
even very disconnected frommyself.
And my thoughts can get prettydark, even now still not nearly
(08:58):
as frequently and not nearly asdark as they used to.
But when you're in that dorsal,dark place, your thoughts just
sort of reflect that and I wasable to notice that and not
believe the stories, not believethe hopelessness, not believe
that this was going to lastforever.
And that was really helpfulbecause those served me in
helping me to not make thingsworse and I was also able to
(09:18):
talk to myself with compassionas much as I possibly could.
Maybe not in every moment, tobe totally honest, but in many
moments I was able to say hey,look, a lot's happening right
now.
Of course you're missing yoursister.
Of course it's never fun whenyou have a sick kid or you're
sick yourself.
Obviously no one likes aflooded basement, but it's going
to be OK eventually in one wayor another in the end.
(09:39):
And I just need to sort of likeride this wave and transition
through all of these things thatwere feeling difficult, and I
was able to do that enough thatI was able to sort of stay
afloat, no-transcript,dysregulated, and then that will
(10:26):
escalate and make me becomemore dysregulated.
And then up and up and up wecan trigger each other very well
.
So part of me was feeling prettypessimistic about connecting
with Ben.
But another part of me was likewell, hey, what do you really
want to do here?
Do you really want to staystuck in this?
And I did not want to staystuck in that.
So I decided to reach out andtry to connect with Ben a little
bit.
But again, I was superdysregulated and definitely not
(10:48):
at my best.
So when I went to Ben itsounded something like me saying
to him listen, I'm reallydysregulated.
It sounded something like mesaying to him listen, I'm really
dysregulated.
I have a lot of feelings goingon right now.
I'm not sure how well I canconnect, but I would like to
connect.
And I sort of braced myself alittle bit because I kind of was
waiting for that old story,that old expectation that I had
going on, to happen.
But Ben actually just looked atme and said, wow, that really
makes sense.
(11:08):
I know you've had a lot goingon and I totally understand.
I also want to connect.
Do you want to hug and I waslike wow, I mean it wasn't the
first time that he wassupportive in response.
But compared to that old storythat I was holding, that felt
totally new and refreshing andwonderful.
And I immediately noticed thatmy nervous system calmed down a
little bit.
But I wasn't quite ready toconnect that fully and because,
(11:31):
again, dysregulation just meansyou're in self-protection mode
and I was still a bit in thatself-protective place, I wasn't
yet in a place where I felt safeenough to be vulnerable for a
hug and I was able to tell himthat I appreciated his response
and that it meant a lot to meand that I felt really supported
and that I looked forward tobeing able to connect more when
I felt more available.
(11:52):
And he handled it beautifullyand responded beautifully and I
was so incredibly grateful forthat.
Not only in that moment was Igrateful for it, because I was
consciously in that moment veryaware of how wonderful that felt
, but it really set the tone forme to feel calmer and more
connected for the entire rest ofthe day and my nervous system
definitely calmed down and I wasable to feel closer and more
(12:13):
connected to Ben in a way thathad I either not talked to him
at all, or had I gone to him andthings went in one of our old
patterns where we kind oftriggered each other and
dysregulated each other more andmore, there would have been
more rupture, that would havehappened and I would have felt
more and more disconnected fromhim.
But instead the total oppositehappened and it was really
reassuring and really validatingfor all the work that we've
(12:33):
been doing.
And since that moment that wasa couple of days ago that we had
that conversation, it's stillbeen challenging.
Just, life has continued to be alittle hectic, but that is life
, and we've continued to makethe best of it and try to figure
out how to connect and how toself-regulate, each of us on our
own and then also co-regulatingtogether.
We're preparing to leave on atrip to California in a couple
(12:56):
of days, which also feels alittle bit overwhelming at the
moment, because usually I'm moreprepared for trips and right
now, with all that's been goingon, I am not nearly as prepared
as I would like to be.
But I also know that it's goingto be a really wonderful trip
and that's my intention and soI'm able to choose behaviors
that support that intention.
And I know that being chaoticand overwhelmed and feeling
(13:17):
frantic will not help that atall.
And so I'm figuring out how toslow down and do what needs to
be done, knowing that it's goingto get done.
And it's either going to getdone with me feeling crazed and
overwhelmed or it's gonna getdone with me taking a breath and
slowing down.
And knowing that I'll figure itout, because I always have and
I always will, and Ben and Itogether definitely can be an
(13:38):
excellent team.
And that feels pretty awesometo say, because it's definitely
what I want, that's therelationship I want to have, and
I think that's the relationshipI do have.
And if I can act consciouslyand make choices that are in
alignment with the life and therelationship I want to have,
then I'm much more likely tohave that life and relationship
Right.
And it does take effort to be aconscious person and be in a
(14:01):
conscious partnership, andsometimes it's hard and it
doesn't mean that life isperfect all the time, because
that's not how life is but beingunconscious and letting my
thoughts go wherever they go andbelieving the interpretations
that are in my head, which,again, this is amazing
information that I've onlylearned in the last couple of
years.
The stories we have, theinterpretations, our thoughts
about what's happening in anygiven situation are connected to
(14:22):
the state our nervous system isin.
I have other episodes aboutthat, if you're interested in
checking that out.
It's amazing, and for me toknow that I can tell myself okay
, this thought means something,but word for word it's not
accurate.
So I could be curious insteadof just believing the thoughts
that are in my head, and I thinkthat that to me, is key to know
.
As a conscious person, I canchoose to either believe the
(14:44):
thoughts in my head at facevalue or I can choose to be
curious about them and what dothey mean and what are the needs
underneath them and what do Ireally want and how can I
support that.
And thinking about yourthoughts and being curious about
your thoughts is reallypowerful and it has served me
very well and this was adelightful experience for me
(15:05):
where I was able to see the realbenefit in my actual
relationship with Ben.
And, like I said, I think thatit can take a lot of work to be
a conscious partner, but I knowwhat it's like to be an
unconscious partner and it's alot more work actually.
It's a lot more draining, a lotmore painful and a lot more
unhappy.
Lot more work.
Actually.
It's a lot more draining, a lotmore painful and a lot more
unhappy, and I feel reallyconfident that we're going to
(15:25):
have a beautiful trip togetherand it's going to be a
delightful family experience andI'm going to be able to share a
wonderful time with not onlyBen, but also our kids and also
my sister and my nephew, and Ithink it's going to be a really
magical experience.
And had I not been able to takecare of myself and stay just
anchored enough, I think Iprobably would have spoiled the
(15:47):
trip in some way, because Iwould have brought some of that
dysregulated energy into thetrip in a way that I think I'm
not going to.
So I will probably update youafter the trip and let you know
how it went, but I'm hoping tobring my conscious, imperfect,
as regulated as possible self tothe trip, and I think that
that's the best I can do.
So stay tuned and I will updateyou next time how everything
(16:10):
went.
As our time comes to a close, Iask you to keep listening for
just a few more moments, becauseI want to thank you for showing
up today and I want to leaveyou with an invitation as you
hit stop and move back out intothe world on your own unique
wellness journey In order tomove from where you are today to
the place where you want to be.
(16:30):
The path may seem long orunclear or unknown, and I want
you to know that if that seemsscary or daunting or downright
terrifying or anything else,that is totally okay.
Know that you do not have tocreate the whole way all at once
.
We don't travel a whole journeyin one stride, and that is why
(16:51):
my invitation to you today is totake a step, just one, any type
, any size, in any direction.
It can be an external step thatcan be observed or measured, or
it could be a step youvisualize, taking in your mind.
It can be a step towards actionor towards rest or connection
or self-care, or whatever stepmakes sense to you.
(17:13):
I invite you to take a steptoday, because getting to a
place that feels better, morejoyful, more connected than the
place where you are today ispossible for everyone, including
you, and even when depressionis in your bed.
If today's episode resonatedwith you, please subscribe so
you can be notified when eachweekly episode gets released.
(17:35):
I encourage you to leave areview and reach out to me on
social media at trishsanderslcsw.
Your feedback will help guidefuture episodes and I love
hearing from you.
Also.
Please share this podcast withanyone who you think may be
interested or who may getsomething from what I have
shared.
Until the next time we connect,take care of yourself and take
(17:57):
a step.
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