Writing New Stories: How My Brain Healed After Holiday Depression and Beyond

The holidays can feel bright for some and unbearably heavy for others. I open up about a Christmas that nearly ended my marriage and trace how those memories slowly softened—not by accident, but because the brain can change and grow when it feels safer. This is a story that starts with depression and disconnection, then moves to the science of hope: moving beyond survival mode, neural pruning, and memory reconsolidation. It’s also a map for finding one supported step when the season overwhelms you.

I talk through the shift from scanning for danger to making room for joy, and how therapy—especially Imago relationship work—gave us tools to repair when words misfired and patterns felt unbreakable. You’ll hear about the tree I decorated late, a child’s wonder at a star, and a mason jar full of Xs and Os that didn’t land the way I hoped. Those moments didn’t vanish; they were rewritten by new experiences of safety and small daily choices that rewrote a story of connection over time.

If you’re carrying grief, holiday blues, or chronic stress, consider this your gentle invitation to take one step today. Slow down instead of speeding up. Ask for help. Set one clear boundary. Reach for safe-enough connection. Your nervous system can learn a different holiday rhythm, and your brain can compress what no longer serves while expanding what sustains. Press play for a grounded blend of story and neuroscience, and leave with practical ways to start your new chapter. If it resonates, subscribe, share with a friend who needs it, and leave a review so more people can find support here.

If you and your partner are ready to co-create the roadmap to the relationship of your dreams, join us for the next in-person "Getting the Love You Want" Weekend Couples Retreat!

For support in how to have deeper connections and better communication in the relationships that matter most in your life, follow the host, Trish Sanders on Instagram , Bluesky or LinkedIn.

Episode Transcript

SPEAKER_00 (00:00):
Hello, and welcome to the When Depression is in
your bed podcast.
Today's episode is a specialmessage to anyone who might be
struggling this holiday season.
I'll share a bit of my own storyalong with some neuroscience to
show why hope for better days isnot just wishful thinking, but
something that can actuallyhappen for you and your brain.
My intention is that thisepisode lands as a joyful

(00:21):
inspiration for you and areminder that you aren't alone.
I'm your host, Trish Sanders,and I am delighted that you are
here.
Let's get started.
I decided to record my lastepisode, Grief, Gratitude, and
ADHD, What's Coming Up for MeThis Holiday Season, in a very
organic way, which tends to behow I choose my content most of
the time.
For me, this podcast is anongoing conversation and I don't

(00:43):
plan very much ahead.
I really base what I talk aboutbased on what I'm experiencing
in my day-to-day real life.
And after I recorded my lastepisode, it seemed like a
natural next episode to continuetalking about the holiday
season.
And my first thought was, wow, Ihave a ton to share on holidays
and depression, being that myhusband and I have both lived
with depression for most of ourlives, and we have certainly had

(01:05):
many celebrations impacted in avery negative way because of
that.
As a matter of fact, we actuallygot separated the day after
Christmas 11 years ago.
So obviously I had stories totell, right?
Wrong.
Well, sort of.
As I started to think about whatstories I wanted to share, it
became clear to me that I didn'thave a crystal clear memory of

(01:26):
all of those really awfulChristmases.
And at first I was sort ofconfused because there was
definitely a time when I couldhave painstakingly recalled
every last heartbreaking detailof each one of those Christmases
gone so very wrong.
So what was going on?
I realized it had a lot to dowith neuroscience and the way
brains work.

(01:46):
Many years ago, when my husbandand I were at our absolute worst
in the deepest depths ofdepression that we experienced,
we were both living in highalert.
We were almost always insurvival mode.
I was super vigilant, payingattention to absolutely
everything because being able totrack all the details of what
was going on was how I feltsafe.
I felt like I had to payattention to everything that was

(02:07):
happening for me and for myhusband so that essentially we
could stay alive.
And back then, that's what Ineeded to do.
However, thankfully, since then,things have changed so much.
And now that my body doesn'tfeel like it's under threat
constantly anymore, thankgoodness, my brain has started
to do what brains do when theystart to feel safer.
There's this idea in brainscience about use it or lose it.

(02:28):
And it's really true.
What we don't continue to use,our brain naturally prunes.
It's very efficient.
We don't need to put effort andenergy into parts of our brain
that we're not using regularly.
And so in time, in these 11 plusyears, my memories have
essentially compressed so thatthey don't take up as much space
as they used to, which is reallypretty awesome because that

(02:49):
means that the threat is notpresent anymore.
And so I don't have to keepthose thoughts in the forefront
of my brain.
And as those memories take upless space, there's more space
for newer, safer, much moreenjoyable memories to take up.
And this also means that thismemory is now what it's supposed

to be (03:08):
something that has happened in the past.
It's no longer something thatwhen I think about it, it feels
like it's happening to me rightnow, which is a very common
experience of trauma for verymany people.
And I can tell you for a lot ofyears, that was my experience,
that when I brought things backup, I could be transported right
back to those moments, rightback to that pain.
Whereas today it doesn't feelthat way at all.

(03:29):
It no longer serves me to keepthose things right there, front
and center, in the forefront ofmy mind, reliving all of those
details.
It doesn't help keep me safeanymore.
And as a matter of fact, thatfoggy, unclear memory that I
have, or that summary of thatmemory that I have now is
actually a pretty goodindicator, at least in this
case, that healing has occurredin my brain.

(03:50):
And part of how that happens isthat as I've told these memories
of these really painfulexperiences, whether I was
talking in therapy or talkingwith a friend or my husband, or
even just thinking about themmyself, my brain has been
editing the story.
Essentially, that's what memoryreconsolidation is.
And it's a way that theemotional charge that a
particular memory holds getsedited or updated to match how

(04:13):
it actually feels for me todayin the present moment, as
opposed to it holding the exactsame emotional charge that it
held when it actually happened.
So basically, when I rememberthese past experiences, I no
longer am back in this, oh mygosh, this is a huge cue of
danger.
I need to find safety right now.
I need to protect myself.
I need to be in survival.
Now, when I pull up thesememories, they feel much softer.

(04:33):
They no longer hold a charge ofa cue of danger.
And I experience it as part ofthe story rather than something
that I have to do somethingabout for fear that that'll be
the end of the story.
So the really good news is thatas my old memories have gotten
compressed, there's been spacefor my new memories to take up.
And there hasn't been a need torehash the old painful
experiences.

(04:54):
And I haven't experienced thosethings in the same way in
several years.
And so it doesn't mean that ourholidays are perfect and that
everything is constantlywonderful, but I don't
experience the challenges thatcome up during our holiday
season as a threat to mysurvival anymore.
They're just frustrations orthings that need to get figured
out or things that I want totalk to my husband about so we
can figure out how to do bettertogether.

(05:15):
So when I first noticed that Icouldn't remember every last
detail of all those holidays, Iwas a little bit worried and
thought, oh my gosh, what am Isupposed to talk about on these
episodes?
Because I don't want to justtalk about depression or grief
or holiday blues in a generalway.
There's a lot of information outthere, there's a lot of good
information out there, but Ireally wanted to bring my own
personal experience.
So I was a little bit at a loss.

(05:37):
But I realized that it wasn'tnecessarily helpful to try to
recount the complete horrorstories that I've lived through
and that I might be able tooffer something else that could
potentially be a lot morevaluable.
And that really is theexperience of my healing journey
and how far I have come in thepast decade plus, and the
neuroscience that helps explainwhat makes it possible to
actually be able to move on to amore joyful place in your life.

(06:00):
So I do still think it feelsfitting to share with you what I
do remember about 11 years ago.
But what I really want you tohear in today's episode is that
things can and do get better.
So if you're struggling thisholiday season, there is a path
towards finding self-care andsafe enough connection that can
lead you to eventually having acompletely different holiday
experience than you may behaving right now.

(06:20):
As a matter of fact, all thepain and struggle and hurt and
heaviness that you might bedealing with right now could
very possibly become a distantmemory to your future self.
It could be a ghost of Christmaspast, perhaps, or a ghost of
Hanukkah or Kwanzaa or wintersolstice past, or maybe it'll
just be a ghost of December'spast.

(06:41):
I truly want you to hear andbelieve, maybe even start to
know that it's so much more thana nice thought.
It's actually how our brainswork.
When you're in survival mode,when you feel like you have to
protect yourself, it makes totalsense that you have to keep
everything right in front of youand pay very close attention
because that is what feels likeit's keeping you safe right now.
It consumes you so that youdon't miss anything that could

(07:03):
be a threat or a danger.
And that essentially helps youstay alive, or at least it feels
like that's what it's doing,even though it actually might be
consuming the life that you haveright now.
But based on how brains andnervous systems work, it's
actually trying to help.
But we can work with our brainsand with our nervous systems so
that we can actually healtrauma, chronic stress, deep
relational disconnection, andany other wounds that we might

(07:24):
be carrying with us.
So all of that can be a part ofour story, not the main
characters, not who we are.
And we can begin to writesomething totally new, something
that is in alignment with ourauthentic selves and our true
wishes for the life that we wantto live and how we want to
celebrate our holidays.
And for me, I look back on thatholiday certainly as a very hard

(07:45):
chapter.
And quite honestly, that chapteris when things really started to
change.
The nightmare Christmas ofdisconnection that my husband
and I had 11 years ago was thepivotal point.
Things got so bad that we had todo something differently.
And we did.
So I will share with you what Ido remember about my holiday
season that year.
Things were definitely anightmare.
Ben and I were totallydisconnected, and part of what I

(08:09):
think made it even worse wasthat we were both trying to be
connected.
So in our own different ways, wewere both reaching out and
trying to engage, but it justwasn't working.
And that made it even harderbecause both of us, I don't want
to speak for Ben, but I can sayfor myself, and I imagine he
felt the same way, was that Ifelt like my efforts were

(08:30):
failing.
And that was really giving me anexperience of I don't know what
else to do because I feel likeI've tried everything.
And one of the moments that Iremember, I'm pretty sure from
that Christmas, but to behonest, it's a little bit
blurry.
So it could have been from adifferent year, but I don't
think so because my son wasreally small.
And I ended up putting up theChristmas tree with just him a
few days before Christmasbecause Ben and I just couldn't

(08:51):
get it together to get the treeup and decorate.
But I felt really strongly thatwe had to have a tree so that
Santa could put the presentsunderneath for our son.
Because even though Ben and Iwere suffering so badly, I
wanted so much for our son tohave a joyful holiday.
And it was so painful for meputting up the tree without Ben.
It felt so incomplete and therewas such a gap.

(09:11):
I tried to put on a happy facefor our son.
I don't know how successful Iwas.
I think I was successful, but Idon't really know how it landed
for him.
But I remember so clearly thismoment when I put the star on
top of the tree and my son saidthis adorably sweet thing,
something only like this littletiny young person could say with
all of his wonder and awe.

(09:32):
And he looked up at the star ontop of the tree and he said
something like, Wow, now Iunderstand the magic of
Christmas.
Santa will definitely be able tofind our house now.
And in that moment, despite howdark everything felt in my life,
I remember so clearly thislittle moment of brightness,
this little moment of our son,of his joy, and knowing that

(09:54):
maybe things weren't the way Iwanted them to be, but there was
something that was still enoughand not everything was going
totally wrong.
And as I said, I remember soclearly wanting to connect with
Ben and wanting to reach out andwishing that things could be
different.
And I actually made him forChristmas this little mason jar.
I think I might have talkedabout on the podcast before, but

(10:15):
it was a little jar that wasfilled with little X's and O's.
And I wrote something on it likethis is a jar filled with love.
I gave him this jar of love totry to communicate to him how
much I loved him and how much Iwanted to connect.
And to me, it felt like thishuge grand gesture.
And when he opened it onChristmas Day, it just didn't
land for him.

(10:36):
I don't really know why thatwas.
Maybe he just wasn't in areceiving place, or maybe it
felt like pressure to him, ormaybe the way that I sent it was
not quite the way that he neededit to be sent.
I don't really know, but Iremember feeling so incredibly
crushed in that moment.
Now I feel very differentlyabout it, but I do remember
feeling like, oh my gosh, Itried so hard to show him that I

(10:57):
loved him and it still failed.
So what else are we supposed todo?
Because Christmas was sodisconnected and so painful for
both of us.
Ben decided to go to his parentsout of state for the weekend.
And in the nine years that wehad been together at the time,
he had never gone away to hisparents' house without me and
certainly without our son.
So I was really taken aback.
Like, what is going on here?

(11:18):
And I think I experienced it asan abandonment, as a rejection
of my efforts.
I was trying so hard to connectwith him and here he was
leaving.
And when we talked on the phonethat weekend, I ended up saying
to him something that I didn'tactually mean the way that I
said it, but it landed in aparticular way because of the
words that I did in fact use.
And even though they weren'twhat I quite meant, and I really

(11:39):
wanted to take them back once Irealized how Ben heard them,
they ended up being exactly whatI needed to say because it
totally cracked open the waythat we were doing things, our
old patterns and the place thatwe were stuck in.
So when I was on the phone withhim, what I said to Ben was that
I had left to my mom's house andI had brought our son and that I
left permanently.

(11:59):
And those were my words.
And so, not surprisingly, thatlanded to him that I meant that
that was it, that was the end ofour relationship.
I wanted a divorce.
Now, in truth, that was reallynot what I meant.
What I really meant by sayingthat was that I had left with my
son and gone to my mom's housemany times before that, but I'd
always come back after a day ortwo because I didn't see how we

(12:20):
could work on our relationship,and Ben didn't see how we could
work on our relationship if Iwasn't in the relationship, if I
wasn't home with him.
So I always came back.
So what I actually meant in thatmoment was that I had left until
we actually did somethingdifferent and until we really
got some help.
And as a matter of fact, I hadknown about Imago therapy, which
is something that you may haveheard me talk about on the
podcast before.

(12:40):
Of course, I am now a certifiedImago Advanced Relationship
Therapist, but I was not then.
I only worked with kids andteens back then, but I had known
about Imago therapy and I hadread the Getting the Love You
Want book and I really believedin it.
And so I came back to Ben theday after saying that to him
with a list of Imago therapistsand the next Getting the Love

(13:00):
You Want workshop that washappening in the new year.
And when I came back to him, Iwas like, okay, so here's the
plan.
We're gonna go to this Imagotherapist and we're gonna go to
this workshop in a few months.
And he was like, What are youtalking about?
And I was like, What do youmean?
And he's like, We're gettingdivorced.
And I was floored.
I was like, what are you talkingabout?
And I quickly realized what hadhappened.
And I tried to tell him in thatmoment, no, no, no, that's not

(13:21):
what I meant.
Like, I get it.
Permanent sounds like it meanspermanent, but I didn't mean it
that way.
I was upset, I was distraught, Iwas just saying things not
exactly as I meant.
But he was already committed andhe was clear that we were
getting divorced.
And I was heartbroken and evenmore disconnected than I had
felt the week before, whichalmost seems unthinkable because
it was so painful the weekbefore.
And here I was feeling even morealone and even more isolated.

(13:45):
I was nauseous for days.
I could not eat, which by theway is not usually how I respond
to things when I'm upset aboutsomething or stressed about
something.
I definitely usually movetowards food.
So the experience of being sonauseous that I couldn't eat was
totally unfamiliar to me.
But I think now and lookingback, it was such an experience
of my full dorsal shutdown.
My nervous system was in such acollapsed place that the ability

(14:08):
to rest and digest, which iswhat our regulated dorsal allows
us to do, was just not working.
I was so collapsed andimmobilized that my digestive
system wasn't even working and Icouldn't eat and I was sick for
days.
I remember spending New Year'sEve at my aunt's house with my
sweet little son sleeping on mychest, trying to balance
gratitude for having my amazingkid and my supportive family,

(14:33):
and also wondering what the heckI was gonna do in the new year.
And I had no idea what to do,where to go, what my next step
was.
And I felt completely trapped.
And the experience of knowinghow much I wanted to be
connected with my husband andhow much I wanted things to
work, and in that moment,thinking that that's not what he

(14:55):
wanted was totally devastating.
I did come to realize thatwithin a few, I don't know, days
or weeks, I guess, that hewanted things to work too, but
he just believed that weabsolutely couldn't, that we had
already tried everything that wecould possibly try and nothing
was working.
And he used to say to me backthen things like, we're just
incompatible, I'll always loveyou, we'll be good co-parents

(15:18):
together.
We're just not meant to bemarried, but I didn't give up.
I was able to find an Imagotherapist that we did start
going to while we wereseparated.
And Ben did tell her that we hadtwo feet out the door of our
relationship, but I kept callingand calling and calling.
And so he was looking back.
And I also convinced him to cometo an Imago getting the Love You
Want workshop that washappening.

(15:38):
And that's a whole other storythat I much more clearly
remember.
But we registered and weunregistered because he changed
his mind and then were-registered and we did
actually get there.
And one step at a time, Ifigured out from New Year's Eve
of having no clue what I wasgoing to do next, and for the
next almost six months, figuringout piece by piece, little by

(15:59):
little, what I was gonna donext.
And quite honestly, I wassimultaneously figuring out what
I was gonna do next if we gotdivorced and what I was gonna do
next to try to not get divorced.
But I did, in fact, figure itout.
And every step that I startedtaking 11 years ago has really
led me to where I am today.
And I have kept taking steps,and there have been plenty of

(16:21):
other moments where I hadabsolutely no idea what to do.
None of them were as devastatingand painful and disconnected as
that moment, but there certainlyhas been plenty of disconnection
and pain and struggle since, butin ways that were much more
manageable, even if they wereoverwhelming in the moment.
That was definitely the worstChristmas that we ever had.
And I also want to say theprogress wasn't always linear.

(16:43):
It wasn't like things just keptgetting better and better and
better.
Our progress has definitely beena winding road, which I am very
honest about.
But yet I've always reached forconnection and been committed to
connecting with my husband andfiguring out how to do that.
And for me, that has always madesense for it to be with him.
If I was somebody else or he wassomebody else, maybe I would
have made a different decisionat some point.

(17:03):
But it still keeps making senseto me.
And so I still maintain thiscommitment.
And through this process, I havefigured out not only how to take
better care of my husband, butalso how to take far better care
of myself.
And then just as a trickle-downeffect, how to take much better
care of our kids.
And all of that learning, all ofthe new connecting, all of the

(17:24):
self-care, all of the newrelationship care, all of those
experiences, including thechallenging ones that have come
along the way, those are all newmemories that have been stored.
And those really have come todefine my story, the resilience
of it all, my resilience, ourresilience.
That has come to be the definingfactor in my story so much more

(17:44):
than the pain.
The pain happened, it had tohappen.
The disconnect was there, thedepression was there, the
emptiness, the isolation, thenot knowing what to do.
It was all there.
But like I said before, thestory didn't end there.
And that's really why I havethis podcast because I know that
there's so many people out therewho feel like they don't know
where to go from here.

(18:05):
And I'm somebody who found myway through and it wasn't by
accident and it wasn't alwayseasy, but I didn't give up.
And that is certainly in ageneral sense, but it feels very
tied to the holidays for a lotof reasons for me.
Of course, because we gotseparated around the holidays,
but I think that for me it wassuch an experience of I wanted
to celebrate life with myhusband.
That felt real and I felt sureof that.

(18:27):
And like I said, that's what Iwanted, and that's what made
sense for me.
That might be different for youand for your relationship or
your future relationships, butthat was my reality.
And over all of these years, Ihave continued to make new
memories.
And here we are in this newholiday season, and it is not
perfect, as evidenced by my lastpodcast episode: Grief,

(18:48):
Gratitude, and ADHD.
What's coming up for me thisholiday season?
It's certainly not always easy,but there is a lot more
connection and a lot more joy.
So, in case you are strugglingthis holiday season, in whatever
way you might be struggling, andif it helps to hear it, please
know that you are not alone.
You're not the only one.
And you actually, whether youknow it or not, can begin to
write your new story, your newholiday season story today.

(19:12):
Holidays don't always have to beheavy and painful.
This is a season of believingand a season of magic.
And I don't know if it soundstrite or silly or cheesy, maybe,
but if you believe in yourselfand you believe in your own
magic, but you can createsomething new from here, and you

(19:33):
can begin to give yourself carein a new way that can absolutely
lead to a better future andcertainly more joyful, more
celebratory holiday seasons thatlook so much different than how
this one might be looking foryou.
And you might need support, andfinding safe connection can be a
challenge, but there'stherapists and professional help

(19:53):
and healers.
And if you have friends orfamily that could be potential
resources, I encourage you toreach out.
And take one step of what willbe many steps, but can lead you
to a really new place so thatthe ghost of holidays yet to
come can actually have a verydifferent experience than what
you might be feeling right now.
And to know that it's not just awish, it's actually neuroscience

(20:16):
and how our brains work.
And so often, especially withdepression, we're fighting
against our brain and againstour nervous system.
And that's really what's causingthe problem.
So I encourage you with everyounce of my heart, my nervous
system, and my brain to pleasetake a step today, find a step
of self-care, whether that meansslowing down, which often during

(20:38):
the holiday season, we can feellike we need to speed up and do
so much more.
But taking a step towardsslowing down or connecting or
doing holidays in a way thatfeels right to you today, which
may be very different than whatfeels right for you next year or
the year after.
But taking a step towards safeconnecting and anything that

(20:59):
might bring you a little bitmore joy and maybe just even a
little tiny bit of holiday magicthat actually can start today.
And I hope that you can find astep that makes sense for you
and take it.
And I want to wish you happyholidays.
Even if they're not feeling sovery happy, I am sending you joy
and love this holiday season.

(21:20):
And again, a reminder that youaren't alone.
As our time comes to a close, Iask you to keep listening for
just a few more moments becauseI want to thank you for showing
up today.
And I want to leave you with aninvitation as you hit stop and
move back out into the world onyour own unique wellness
journey.
In order to move from where youare today to the place where you

(21:42):
want to be, the path may seemlong or unclear or unknown.
And I want you to know that ifthat seems scary or daunting or
downright terrifying or anythingelse, that is totally okay.
Know that you do not have tocreate the whole way all at
once.
We don't travel a whole journeyin one stride.

(22:02):
And that is why my invitation toyou today is to take a step,
just one.
Any type, any size, in anydirection.
It can be an external step thatcan be observed or measured, or
it could be a step you visualizetaking in your mind.
It can be a step towards actionor towards rest or connection or
self-care or whatever step makessense to you.

(22:26):
I invite you to take a steptoday because getting to a place
that feels better, more joyful,more connected than the place
where you are today is possiblefor everyone, including you, and
even when depression is in yourbed.
If today's episode resonatedwith you, please subscribe so
you can be notified when eachweekly episode gets released.

(22:48):
I encourage you to leave areview and reach out to me on
social media attrish.sanders.lcsw.
Your feedback will help guidefuture episodes, and I love
hearing from you.
Also, please share this podcastwith anyone who you think may be
interested or who may getsomething from what I have
shared.
Until the next time we connect,take care of yourself and take a

(23:10):
step.