June 12, 2025 • 45 mins
My friend, Rocio, shares that she never pictured her wedding day and often resisted conventional timeline milestones. Now, at almost 40 years old, she talks with her husband about the possibility of adoption. She shares how her perspectives on life have changed over time, especially caring less about what other people think. Rocio shares many insightful, wise life lessons she’s learned along the way.
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Episode Transcript
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(00:00):
Hi, you're listening to Who SetsThis Clock?
I'm the podcast creator and hostMarguerite.
Each week I talk with my guests about their life timelines.
We take a closer look at the life paths we take or don't take
when it comes to having kids, along with other types of cyto
clocks that take around us. I have candid, personal
conversations with people from awide range perspectives.
(00:23):
I also explore how our relationship shift when friends
and family start to have kids. New episodes come out every
Thursday. Thank you so much for listening.
Before we get into today's episode, I want to take a moment
to acknowledge the ICE raids happening here in Los Angeles in
my city. These actions are causing real
fear and harm in our immigrant communities, especially the
(00:47):
Latino community. I am thinking in my city and
proud to see those speaking out and protesting over the past
couple of days. I encourage my listeners to
support local immigrant justice organizations.
CHIRLA, the Coalition for HumaneImmigrant Rights here in LA, is
one of the many organizations doing amazing work to protect
(01:08):
immigrants rights. Even if you're not in LA, please
keep yourself informed. Immigration raids have been
popping up across this country in the United States.
I hope you take care of yourselfand your loved ones during these
stressful times. These moments remind us how much
we all deserve safety, dignity, and care, no matter where we're
from. OK, let's get into today's
(01:32):
episode. I'm here with my friend Rosio.
(01:58):
We met while working as educators at a museum in Los
Angeles. I think now is a good time to
mention that you'll start to notice in upcoming episodes.
I still keep in touch with many of my former Co workers from
that period in my life. I feel lucky to have to have
that in my life. As I started my career at this
museum, I met lots of people my age and a lot of ways it shaped
(02:20):
who I am today. Rosio and her husband Daniel are
so good about keeping in touch with everyone and inviting me to
Hangouts, so I'm very appreciative of that.
I'm really looking forward to talking with her today.
At her birthday celebration earlier this year, we briefly
talked about her plans for her future in regards to growing her
family. For me, that topic is something
that tends to naturally come up in conversations.
(02:42):
And looking back, I think that conversation with her was
another nudge to give me the confidence to put this podcast
together. So that quick chat at her
birthday really stuck with me. And today I'm looking forward to
going a little bit deeper with her.
OK, so I want to start giving you all a fuller sense of who
Rosio is. And then we'll talk about life
timelines and how friendship dynamics can shift when some
(03:04):
people have kids and others dumps.
So yeah, let's get into it. Hi, Rosio, welcome to the
podcast. Can you tell us a little bit
about yourselves for our listeners?
What's your age? Who do you live with and do you
have kids? Things like that.
Hi, and thank you for having me,Marguerite.
(03:24):
So yes, I'm Rosio. I'm from Los Angeles, born and
raised. I'm 39 years old.
I live with my husband. We actually just moved to
Torrance a couple of months ago.So it's been a very exciting
change for us. Went to school in Long Beach.
I've been working at the museum that Marguerite and I met.
(03:45):
For what? What is it like 1314 years now?
I was going to ask you what yearyou started and I forgot.
Yeah, I started in 2011, so thisyear will be 14 years.
Oh my gosh. It it went by quickly.
Yeah, it does. It really does.
Yeah. And I have no kids at the moment
except for my beautiful cat, which I consider my childhood.
(04:06):
Yes, of course, we have to mention the pets, of course.
OK, great. And I think that gives like a
frame of reference. So yeah, I want to start with
the kind of diving in. What did you imagine your life
to be like at this age of 39 or late 30s?
Yeah. I mean, originally I always
thought that I would go the education route.
(04:28):
That was always something that like I really dreamed up.
I thought that I might go to getlike my master's degree, for
example, and I might have had a might purchase my home at this
point, you know, maybe done liketraveling.
That was always something that Ireally wanted to do as a as a
child. I wanted to see ancient cities
(04:48):
because I loved, I loved the classics.
I actually, that was what I studied when I was in college.
I studied archaeology and I justfell in love with it even more
than. But as a child, it was a big
dream. And you know, marriage was not
something I necessarily thought of when I was a little girl.
A lot of little girls dreamed about their wedding day, and
(05:09):
that wasn't me. I wasn't, I was very, I was a
little bit different. I was very bookish.
I was very, you know, I kind of wanted to do my own thing and I
had two elder sisters and for me, I was always wanting to be
the opposite of of them. I had a very rebellious spirit
(05:29):
as my if if you met my mother, she would say I just didn't want
to, I guess, conform. Oh, interesting.
OK. Did your your older two sisters
get married? Yeah, they neither one of them
went to college. It wasn't the route that they
that they took. They went to school for only a
(05:51):
couple of years and then they started doing their their own
thing, their own career. And then eventually both of them
got married one a little bit later in life.
But she was in a committed relationship for many years.
So I always considered it kind of like a marriage.
And then, yeah, they got they got married.
My second eldest sister went on to have children and my eldest
(06:12):
sister, like myself, just wasn'tin the cards for her.
Her and her husband came to the agreement that they weren't
interested in having kids. So.
Interesting. OK, yeah.
I'm always interested in like sibling dynamics.
I have. I'm the oldest of four and none
of us have kids. It's seeming like we won't, but
we'll we'll see. And yeah, I also relate to I
(06:33):
never really dreamed of my wedding as a kid either.
Like I didn't think of a weddingdress or like, what would it be
like? I just yeah, it didn't seem like
you hear that trope of what wereyour wedding day be like a
little girls are thinking about their wedding by same.
I did not imagine it. So, OK, so thinking about where
(06:54):
you imagine your life was like at this age, how do you feel
about where you are now? You know.
I'm happy like where where I currently am.
I really love the work that I do.
My job is very fulfilling, so I'm, I am really happy with
that. It's very goal oriented.
It has like a mission to it and I feel like it's doing helpful
(07:15):
work for our communities here inLos Angeles, which makes me
really happy to kind of continueand be excited to want to keep
going. I have a really loving family.
We're I'm very close with my momand my sisters and I see them
several times a month. I get to see, I get to see that.
I get to see my nieces. I take my cat over so that she
(07:36):
can see her grandma. So so it's like really nice and
fun loving. I have a really awesome husband
who's really great at, you know,keeping keeping me on my toes.
He just has a very different outlook on life and I feel like
it's a great compliment to me. I am very analytical and I am
(08:00):
very like things need to be donethis a certain way.
And he's very like, you know, I don't have happen when it
happens. And like, he's a little bit more
spontaneous, a little bit more like he lets things kind of go.
And yeah, but he also kind of pushes me for like certain
(08:20):
things and take me outside of mycomfort zone, which I'm thankful
for. Obviously I'm very, I'm very
stubborn. So he has to kind of be like,
you need to try, we need to try different things.
So as as annoying as that can besometimes, also like I'm very
grateful for. Yeah, yeah.
It's a good balance. It's like you're, yeah, like you
said, more analytical and he kind of brings you out of that.
(08:43):
So, and I'm sure vice versa, youprobably keep him on track and
we all have restraints in that way too, so.
Yeah, yeah. I feel like it's a nice way of
kind of like looking a lot of the time when in the beginning
it's just like, gosh, we are so different.
I'm just like, I don't know how your brain works.
It's just I think that's one of the things that kind of
(09:04):
intrigued me about him when we first started going out.
It's just like, wow, I do not understand the world through
your eyes, but I found it awesome.
That's great. So it seems like you're really
happy, even though it might not exactly be what you imagine your
life to be like. It seems pretty on track and
that you're happy with where youare now.
What do you love most about yourage right now?
(09:26):
I think more than anything, I amstarting to feel a little bit
more comfortable and confident. And the person who I am, I spent
a lot of time in my 20s, just a lot of like, you know, you
people like me. Am I, am I doing things the way
(09:47):
other the way others want it to be done?
I'm just kind of second guessingeven though like in my heart of
hearts, I was just like, but like, this is how I want to do
things. But like always wanting to not
step on toes, for example. And I think over time, I think
I've gotten to a point where I'mable to look at things a little
(10:12):
bit more holistically. I'm kind of take a step back on
like it like it's not, it's not all about perceptions.
And you're never going to get 100% of any of anyone's
approval. And it's OK.
You have to accept that and justkind of move on from that and
just know that like if you know you're in that you're in the
(10:32):
right for what you feel that you're doing.
Just be confident and comfortable and just let
everything else kind of roll off.
Yeah, as someone who wants everyone to like me, I think it
gets a little easier because, yeah, you just with time and
wisdom, it gets easier to like let it roll off of you.
If someone doesn't like you or doesn't agree with what you're
(10:53):
doing, it's what you're doing inlife.
And that's if it's OK with you, then that's OK with you.
So sometimes it's easier said than done than done.
But yeah, I feel like with as you're growing up, that really
that has stuck out for me to a feeling that it's going along
the lines of, of that there are certain timelines and societal
(11:13):
pressures that can affect us as we're aging.
And, you know, some people have opinions about what we're doing
and you kind of have to decide what's for you and what's not
for you. So along the way, have you felt
any societal pressures about where to be at this age?
It could even be in your 30s or and and now at the at the age of
39. Yeah, definitely felt a lot of
societal pressures. I am a Latina and in in Latino
(11:39):
culture, a lot of the time, you know, it's expected that you're
supposed to get married, have kids at a certain point.
And so much of my time prior to Daniel and I getting married, it
was always the question of when are you 2 getting married?
And then once we did get married, immediately after,
(12:00):
including the day that we got married, it was like, so when
are the kids coming? Oh my God, I was just like Jesus
on the. Day of your wedding.
Wow. Yeah, OK.
On the day, I was just like, OK,it was, you know, it was
something that like I knew it was coming and it wasn't like
from anybody immediate in my in,in my family.
(12:21):
It was like, you know, my cousinjoking about it, my aunt asking
about it. Like it wasn't, it wasn't my
mom, it wasn't my sisters. And because I've spoken with
them before, I'm like, that's not really where I was thinking
of going. So yeah, they don't, they don't
necessarily bring it up. But yeah, it happened from an
aunt and a cousin, and I was like, OK, yeah.
(12:44):
Like when we celebrate today, I'm hitting one milestone.
Let's celebrate that. Yeah.
I was just like, yeah, I just said I do 30 minutes ago.
Thank you. Yeah.
Want to move on to the next thing?
Oh gosh, have you found that? Well, it's not your immediate
family, but has there been anyone like beyond your family
that has asked you about that? Like getting married or having a
(13:08):
family. That I can remember.
I know that it's, I know that it's mostly been family that I
can think of. And I know I've had
conversations with, with friendswhere like, you know, it, it
wasn't brought up like with likean expectation or where like I
felt that there was like a pressure behind it.
I think it was more just an openconversation of just like, you
(13:29):
know, are you all thinking aboutgetting married?
What about like kids? What's the next step?
Like you, I think it was more open, not so much like.
So when is this going to happen?Now, like with pressure and
judgement on that, Yeah, yeah. And then how long did you and
Daniel wait to get married? Like how many years was that to?
(13:49):
I believe it was four years fromwhen we started dating that we
got married. OK nice.
So just find it kind of rude. Any Yeah, it's when it's family.
You have to be very. What's the word not rude back?
I don't know. You can't be very aggressive
with your response. But I haven't experienced that
too much in my family. My mom used to ask me, I think
(14:12):
just to gauge like you're saying, gauge interest, like
what's going on here? Like you're married.
Are you going to start a family?And she has to couple times.
And I had to be like very directlike Nope.
I just, I decided not to have kids.
Zach and I decided not to have kids.
And then she really backed off. Yeah, I haven't really felt
pressure from her. And I'm thankful when parents
don't put that pressure on cuz you already have to make that
(14:33):
choice. And then to have added pressure
seems stressful. So.
Yeah, yeah, I completely agree with that.
Yeah. And did you feel any pressure to
get married? Did you have that, like looming
over you or did you feel like that was on your timeline?
I felt like it was a little bit marriage was a little bit more
(14:55):
on my timeline. I will say that specifically
like for us, us getting married,it was something that we had had
this conversation on together and we always knew it was going
to happen maybe at some point down the road.
And what really kind of pushed us to happen a little quicker
(15:16):
than I would have thought is my dad was told that he only had
about six months left to live. And I wanted to make sure that
he would be able to give me awaybecause even though I never
dreamed of that as a, as a little girl, it was incredibly
important to me for to have likethat moment.
And So what ended up happening is he got released from the
hospital and it was going to be Father's Day weekend and we
(15:40):
ended up having a friend do the ceremony for us and my parents
backyard because my dad couldn'treally travel.
He was really weak. And that's how we got married,
at least the the first marriage and then we had the more
official one later. But yeah, that's the one that I
consider the official one where my dad gave me away.
(16:03):
So that was, that was, I'll say I wouldn't say that it pressured
us. I'd just say that it moved up
the timeline the. Timeline moved up.
Well, that's really beautiful. Thank you for sharing that.
I remember seeing your photos and it looks so sweet and like
really intimate and like the people in your family that were
there. We just looked.
It just did lovely. So yeah, that's thank you for
(16:25):
sharing. It's really such a pretty
moment. So we talked a little bit about
pressures about marriage and thepeople asking if you're going to
have kids or not, and I want to move into that direction.
So at any point in your life hasthe idea of of having kids up
come up for you? I know say you said currently
you don't have kids, so has thatidea come up for you as well?
(16:52):
Yeah, So all, all on the same line as when we first started
talking about marriage, we also started talking about like
possibilities of having a family.
And we had a very open conversation on like how we
thought about that. And I didn't let Daniel know
that when it came to the idea ofchildbirth.
I have a really deep seated psychological fear of
(17:13):
childbirth. I've had it since for as long as
I can remember, since I was a child, I at least.
And the thought of it just scares me incredibly.
Like just, I don't know. I've always had it in the back
of my head that would I have gotten pregnant that I wouldn't
have made it through the pregnancy.
(17:33):
And it's just, you know, probably needed to go to therapy
for something like that, but I can't really tell you like where
it comes from. But like it's just deep rooted.
Plus, the more you learn as you become an adult, it's just the,
the, the rates that we have herein the United States are
incredibly bad. And it's just, it doesn't help
(17:54):
it how it made my anxiety even worse when it came to that.
And so I let him know that for me, it was probably not going to
be a possibility of something that I would be able to do
emotionally or mentally because I just don't feel like I would
be able to commit to that. And like, you know, I'm like,
(18:15):
I'm not going to come out of it well, not for.
You. No, so he, he completely
understood. He was, he was just like, it is
your body that is going to be going through that.
And if that's not something thatyou're comfortable with, we can
look into other possibilities. And one of the things that we
talked about was the possibilityof adoption someday, which I'm
(18:36):
completely comfortable with. I wouldn't mind being able to,
you know, bring a child into ourfamily.
We have a very loving home and Ifeel like we would be able to
give it a good environment to grow up in.
And for me it doesn't matter in terms of like biological or
anything like that. Cuz I know some people like
(18:58):
their dream is to have a biological child.
But for me, I don't see, I don'tsee myself having seen a
difference in that. It would still, yeah, it would,
it would still be like a child that would be able to be brought
in. I do have a cousin who adopted a
child and she absolutely loves him and sees him as her own.
(19:18):
And yeah, but seeing her and howhappy she is with that
relationship that she has with her son just fully shows me that
that's that's something that I can definitely do maybe someday.
Yeah. Oh, that's cool.
Yeah, you have someone, an example like really close to you
to see that, how that works out too.
That's amazing. I, I hadn't heard about this
(19:38):
before, but I just learned I waslooking at another podcast
called the Kids or Child Free Podcast.
And they talk about more specifically like the decision
if you're going to have kids or not and how to like weigh that
decision. And then I saw tokophobia, which
is an intense fear of pregnancy and childbirth which I had no
idea existed. Yeah, I didn't know that was a
(20:01):
word. Yeah, Tokophobia and tokos in
Latin meaning childbirth. So fear of childbirth and and it
come, it kind of stems from symptoms resembling OCD, not
necessarily saying that it's an umbrella of OCD, but it stems
from anxiety and not, and I'm not trying to diagnose you by
any means, but there there is a legitimate fear of that.
(20:22):
And I also have, I don't think Ihave tokophobia to that extent,
but I have a fear of it changingmy body, of going through that
process. I refuse to watch a video of
childbirth. Like, I've avoided it for life
and I don't want to see it and Idon't want to hear the stories.
I guess I've had some curiosity.I've asked friends, like, for a
(20:44):
little bit of information, like how it happened or if they're
willing to share. But yeah, I feel like that is an
important factor and it's something to check in with
yourself about. And especially for you, it came
up in childhood. So it's something that you're
honoring and that's your boundary.
And so, yeah, that is real and that's out there and it can, it
can really factor into into thisdecision.
(21:05):
So I'm glad that you and Daniel could find a compromise in that.
And, and, and it's wonderful. Yeah.
Thinking of adoption too, comingup.
Yeah, we are gonna talk about you have touched upon like it's
kind of changed over the years. If you can just remind me you
didn't really like imagine having kids growing up that's
(21:28):
kind of like off the table untilyou met Daniel.
Or was that something that you kind of like refactoring in the
back of your mind? Yeah, I will.
I'll say that at least when I was growing up, since I didn't
think I would get married, I just didn't think I would have
children. And so that was just kind of
like always in the in the back of my my head, I'm just like,
(21:48):
that's just not going to be in the cards for me.
And then I think what kind of had me reflecting more on it is,
you know, speaking with Daniel and like, knowing that, like for
him, he always dreamed of havinga family.
And so, yeah, having that conversation between us, like
him being able to understand whyI wouldn't be able to give birth
(22:09):
to a child, but talking togetherand just having a conversation
on what other possibilities are there and then finding a
compromise that would be good for both of us.
And this for us, I think will besomething that can work.
We're both going to be happy with moving forward.
And it's something that we can together start doing like
(22:31):
research on to see like a timeline of when like that might
be able to happen. It may not be like within a year
or two, but maybe like we can start at least doing some
research so that we have a better understanding.
I think is something that we've been wanting to do for some
time. Just to know like, okay, what
needs to happen? Like what are the processes?
(22:54):
Because I can't say that I know it, and I know it's not what it
looks like in the movies, because that's way too simple.
So, OK, so you're going to startto to do research about it.
And you know, we also as women, we have the biological clock.
So maybe that releases some pressure because you'll be
adopting. And yeah, I feel like that that
can also just change your timeline in general because it
(23:15):
will be not on your on your body, you know, it'll be outside
of that. So yeah, that's beautiful how
you both came into that agreement and and also talked it
through as well. Do you feel any other pressures
of about where you are in life? It sounds like you, you feel
really good about your, your situation.
You have, you know, you're married, you have a wonderful
(23:36):
career that you really live and then it sounds like you're
really talk through the adoptionroute.
But yeah. Do you have any other pressures
that are coming outside from exterior?
Forces, not so much. I think I'm 39, so I think I'm
getting to an age where like family is starting to ask me
less and less about like the kids, etcetera.
(23:56):
And other than like my my immediate family, we haven't
really told anyone that we are thinking of someday adopting.
It's something like, you know, I've mentioned it to my mom, but
haven't spoken to her and in a lot of detail about it or like a
timeline for and my sisters knowthat that's the possibility of
somewhere where I might go. So they're excited about
(24:19):
potentially being ants in the future other than to the cats.
And but aside aside from that, Ifeel like now that we've bought
a home, like also I feel like that's something like I've,
we've been wanting to do for quite some time, not something
again that we thought we'd be able to do, especially with the
(24:40):
way the world is going. Yeah, especially for millennials
like us, Yeah. I know, but we're we're happy
kind of getting adjusted into like this whole new whole new
world of being homeowners. It's very, it's very different.
And yeah, I think that's like for, for us, I don't know that
anybody else is saying it. It's just like we're currently
(25:02):
like in a condo. We would like to at some point
buy like an actual like home, the one that we see ourselves
kind of like like settling into like as our forever home.
So I think that's more like it'sin our, it's in both of our
brains, but not so much coming from other people.
OK, the goal we can set for yourself.
Yeah. Yeah, let's call it a goal.
(25:23):
I guess that's that's better. Yeah, I feel like the top three
are like getting married, havingkids and then a home.
And that's something that you kind of have to you feel out in
your 20s and 30s and then you kind of see where you land.
Congrats, by the way, on your onyour new home because it's
pretty recent, right? Yeah.
Very recent, yeah, we just got it.
(25:45):
Nice. OK, we're moving along and a
huge reason why I started this podcast was because as I was
going through my 20s and friendsare to have kids and start their
families, I felt very thrown off.
I felt like I didn't know how tonavigate that, especially being
more firm in my personal decision not to have kids.
(26:06):
So it, it really felt like a huge shift and I, and I still
even feel like even now 30s, I feel like I'm navigating that in
this episode before I, I talked to one of my good friends who
I've known since college and shehas two kids.
And so, you know, for me, that was the first time talking to
her one-on-one. I feel like I want to get into
(26:26):
this with you too, that we oftendon't have these conversations
with parents and friends about these shifts that happened in
our lives. So it's pretty interesting to
talk with her about her perspective and my perspective
and how we're both feeling aboutit.
So I think that's a huge reason why I want this podcast because
I want to hear other people's perspectives, how they navigate
(26:46):
that shift and how that affects their lives too.
So it's, it's really fascinatingto me and I'm, I'm hoping that
can make me feel less alone. I think in general, in general
when experiencing that kind of timeline in life.
So yeah, I think just to kind ofget a sense of your friends and
family members, Do you feel likethere's a good mix of people
(27:07):
that have kids or not have kids?How's that feeling for you with
your friends and family members having kids in their lives or
choosing not to? Yeah, I think I have a, a pretty
good mix of both. So like I mentioned earlier, one
of my elder sisters has three girls and then my other elder
sister does not have any kids. Her and her husband made the
(27:29):
decision that they don't. And so, you know, that's my
immediate like family dynamic right there.
Same thing with with like my immediate like first cousins.
I have one who has one little boy and then the other one,
she's not married, doesn't have kids.
And so like at least with family, it seems to be be like
pretty, pretty even. And then with friends very
(27:50):
similar. I have a good number of friends
who you know, they, they are either single or they have a
partner, but they don't have anykids at the moment.
Some of them I do know that theydon't want to have kids and
others I haven't had the conversation with them if they
are choosing because I don't want to ask that question
(28:11):
because I remember not being comfortable with being.
And so only if it's kind of brought up, I'm just like,
great, thanks for letting me know.
Yeah. And then I also have like
friends of my 2 closest friends from high school, both of them
have families. One of them just had twin girls
last year on top of her two little boys that she already
(28:33):
had. So she's now a full family of
four. And my other good friend, she
has 2 little boys. And yeah, it's they were like
some of my closest friends that when the some of the longest
friends that I have. And so yeah, it have a good mix
of folks, both with kids and without.
(28:55):
Kids, yeah. And then maybe we can also talk
more about the two friends from high school cuz you're your
longest friends. But how do you feel like you've
navigated those relationships that do have kids?
Cuz that's for me, that's the longer the relationship too.
It's you're so used to the way that you, even if you're like a
trio, like your dynamic and the way you hang out and the way
(29:19):
that you're able to just like bespontaneous and then go and hang
out. And then when someone has a kid,
it's not as easy. So do you guys have you all
talked about that? Or if you haven't also thinking
about how you navigated that andthose changes.
Yeah. We haven't had an open
conversation about like the change that has happened.
It's we definitely know it's there.
(29:39):
I think we acknowledge it not directly, but just like, hey,
like I know you guys are busy, but you want to get coffee this
like 2 like 2-3 weeks from now and like just kind of seeing
where the cards may may land andyou're the one and.
Too. It's, it's a mix.
Sometimes it's yeah, it's so it's not just me.
(30:01):
Sometimes they'll reach out to me and like I have like an hour
without the baby and then, you know, they'll they'll ask if
like we can, we can hang out. It was really nice when I was
living in Pico Rivera, which is my hometown, because they both
live there with their, with their families.
And when we were we were living there, it was so much easier.
They would text me and it would,I would be able to kind of meet
(30:21):
up with them. And now, you know, I live 30
minutes away. Yeah, distance, it's a little
bit, it's going to be a little bit more complicated now going
forward. So it's going to have to be much
more of a planned thing rather than a spontaneous like, OK, we
have, we have like 15 minutes orI can just go over someone's
(30:42):
house and we can have like tea together for a few minutes while
the kids are taking a nap or something.
Yeah, yeah, I see that. Yeah.
So it's been, it's been something just to kind of
navigate with definitely understanding that, you know,
family dynamics are are going tochange, understanding that their
(31:02):
time is going to be a little bitmore focused, especially since
they have such young kids at this time that need a lot of
attention. And you know, especially my
friend who has four little ones and a husband who work for long
hours, you know, she she's primarily the one at home and
she gets maybe support from likesome family members with the
(31:26):
kiddos. So I don't want to put extra
pressure on my part. I want to kind of be
understanding of that and just letting her know through like
text or just phone calls, just saying hi, seeing how you're
doing. That's pretty much how we kind
of check in with each other, at least on a monthly basis.
We kind of on a group text just like, hey, just seeing how you
(31:48):
all are doing and then we'll just like send funny memes or
emojis. Yeah, yeah.
Just to keep in touch, like a yeah that you see, because I
know you're very close to your nieces.
Do you feel like that experiencehas helped you be empathetic and
and help with this, with this change in your friendships?
Do you feel like that has any impact?
Yeah. Seeing seeing my nieces grow up,
(32:09):
it was it was really great. My eldest niece, like I was one
kind of primarily taking care when my sister was doing school
and work in that early phase. So it was really nice to kind of
get that early relationship withher.
And it kind of continues to now.And she's 18 now, but it's.
(32:31):
Yeah, I know it's unbelievable to just like, remember I was
just like when when this little girl was born, I was I was 20
years old, pretty much her age at this.
Wow. Yeah.
When I became when I became her aunt and.
And yeah. It's just it's something that I
feel like helped me kind of see,like, hey, you know, I can keep
(32:51):
a human being alive. It's possible.
I find. Yeah, yeah.
I always found it funny because I'm just like, I can't keep a
plant alive, but I can keep a human being alive.
It's pretty. Impressive.
That's amazing. Do you feel like you would want
to have these conversations withyour friends or do you feel it's
kind of naturally happening where you're where the flow is
(33:15):
is happening? Like for me, it's kind of hard
to, I did feel, I, I feel very empathetic to their situation,
but sometimes it can be a bummerto like not have some reach out
to you or just really not see them as much.
So yeah, I just wanted to see how you're how you're feeling
about that. Yeah, I can.
It definitely does feel a littlebit sad.
It's just, it's, it's a shift, it's a change due to changes in
(33:40):
their, in their family circle. And yeah, it's, it's, it's a
little bit sad, especially for my friends who I've known them
since high school. And, and yeah, it's just as it
was. We weren't, it's not like we
were seeing each other like all the time because, you know, we
have marriage work. But yeah, it's a kind of being
(34:03):
having to let go of like what was and transitioning into like
a new phase of what that friendship is now.
And yeah, it's understanding as I am.
I can't help but be a little bitsad about it.
I don't know that I would openlytalk about it to them because
like I feel like it would not that they would take it badly or
like, but I just don't want themto make it like make them feel
(34:28):
bad about it. Maybe.
Yeah, like I don't, I, I would hope that it wouldn't, but I
mean, I, I can't, you can ever gauge like how someone is going
to take something you can mean something in in the best way
possible and it could come off completely the opposite of how
you had hoped. And I just don't want to put
that pressure on them. I'm like they they're going
(34:49):
through and now I'm like, they don't, they don't need this.
I'm like, maybe we can reflect on it later.
Maybe when the kids are older. Yeah, maybe where we can kind of
look back and on it and like maybe dynamics will change in a
couple of years when the kids are a little bit older, they can
travel a little bit more, you know, things, things become a
(35:10):
little bit more flexible. But until that time, like, yeah,
I've, I've been, I, I think I'vejust kind of been like in my, in
my brain just kind of reminding myself like, just remember, you
know, it's not that they don't want to like answer, they just
can't at this moment. They'll, if they'll, I usually
hear with, I hear from them. Like if I if I don't hear from
them that day within a couple ofdays at most?
(35:32):
Yeah, yeah. My first interview was with my
sister. She's 35, and she said that
yeah, she feels like selfish to kind of have those
conversations. And I think she's kind of tried
and she feels like comes off selfish.
So she's had to do a lot of selfreflection in that too, of like
how to how to keep that a littlebit to yourself and then
(35:53):
navigate that. And then as you're talking to, I
was also thinking about like, I'm in generally really bad with
change in my life. So I'm like, yeah, we've been
having a hard time because it isa change in life, the new season
of life. And so I am not so quick.
I'm adaptable, but like when thelarger things happen and there's
(36:14):
a changer, I've really feel likea shift.
It's really hard for me to pivot.
And so I just felt really off guard by all of this.
And I think it's just me processing this major change and
it's going to change again, likeyou said.
And when the kids get older and when they have more time, the
friendship dynamic could change again.
(36:35):
So yeah, I mean, it's a little bit of therapy for me of like
I'm having some hard time with change and that's I'm
recognizing that. And it's all part of also
growing up, cuz even if you didn't even not having kids,
you're still way different than when you're in your 20s.
Your life can look a lot different.
Avoid you're going out and the way that you're doing stuff.
So that's another change even. Just coming into a different
(36:57):
jacket as well, so. Yeah, absolutely.
And yeah, I'm glad you put the word to it.
For some reason, selfish did not.
But yes, that's exactly how it feels.
I'm just, I'm like, no, it's going to be taken wrong.
I don't want to start that cuz I'm gonna, I'm gonna come off.
I feel like I'm gonna come off very bratty of like, but I want
(37:18):
it this way. Like more time for me.
Like no, that's not how this works.
Well, thank you for all your perspectives on this.
I think one of the other questions I had was, and it
sounds like you all are navigating it very well.
You know, you you still have to keep in touch and you have like
a rhythm and flow to that and understanding.
But maybe even broader to even any of your other friends that
(37:40):
have kids. Is there anything you want them
to know about your perspective or Yeah, is there anything about
your perspective as a person who?
Does not have kids at the momentI think.
And this is not from like any ofmy like immediate friends, but
like, I sometimes feel like, youknow, when the when, when it
come, when it comes up like, oh,do you have like kids or like
you're chatting with someone? And like you say no, like, I
(38:02):
don't know, sometimes like a wall can go up, especially if
somebody does have children, forexample.
So this isn't like people that Iknow.
It's more like people that I'm meeting, for example, where the
assumption kind of becomes like,Oh, she doesn't have kids.
I mean, she doesn't like them orshe doesn't, she's not accepting
of like my lifestyle or, I don'tknow, it's not everyone, but I
(38:24):
definitely sometimes get that vibe from some folks where I
become the the other and I get categorized in that way, which
is really disappointing because that's all you get, get known as
a as like this, this category ofthey don't have kids, so they
don't understand. So they don't need to come to
like these parties or they don'tneed to come and socialize with
(38:46):
these people. Or the assumption is made for me
of like, oh, she probably won't want to come to the birthday
'cause like she doesn't have kids.
Yeah. Which is really sad.
And. I'm nodding my head a lot, like
I really agree with this, yeah. Yeah, so like I haven't had it.
(39:07):
My, my friends who have kids have, have invited me.
They're like, in case you want to want to come, we're
celebrating so and so's birthday.
And like, you know, if I can make it, I will definitely do.
So family has never left me out of like kids birthday party.
So that's not something that that I felt with, but like
people, people that I have, likeI, I've known we weren't like
(39:27):
the closest, but like, you know,we would hang out and then once
they had kids, all of a sudden it's just like, Nope.
Yeah, yeah, she's not in that category.
Maybe she doesn't want to go because there'll be tons of
screaming kids, but I agree. I would like to make that choice
on my own. And yeah, and also feel invited.
I feel the same. And I think we both work in
(39:49):
fields where we work with kids. And I have noticed that from,
and I don't think it's coming upvery often, but it's like when
there are kids classes or kids programs and there's mommy
groups that form, it can kind offeel othering or maybe they're
just like, oh, maybe they don't have that understanding, but
it's something that doesn't needto be that way.
(40:09):
I feel like it's because I don'thave kids.
I doesn't mean that we hate them.
So yeah, I totally agree on those.
You can feel those assumptions sometimes and it's like, give me
a chance or maybe ask how I feelabout those things and.
I have thought about that since working with with careers that
have that you create programs with kids.
(40:31):
So it's like, maybe, I don't know, people don't feel like
we're qualified, but it can fit away sometimes.
Yeah, I got it. Yeah, no, I totally agree with
that. So it would be nice to be
invited to, to give us a choice.There have been like times where
I've been invited. I think it's just for my nieces
to like, I think it's called SkyZone or something like all these
(40:54):
kids, all the surfaces and I'm like no, no, no, I don't want to
go there. Like I'm, I'm good on that.
But it's like a kids birthday party or somewhere else.
Like I would still want to be invited to those things.
So yeah, just giving that optionwould be be nice.
Yeah, although funny story, my husband for his 30th birthday
and decided to go to one of those trampoline parks which are
(41:16):
usually for little kids. I only hear that and it was
really funny because it was a bunch of little kids, Yes.
And then a group of 30 plus yearolds bouncing around on the
trampolines and getting stuck inveins because we're old.
I didn't know you. I didn't know adults could also
jump on the trampolines. We could, Yeah.
(41:37):
Yeah. This was years ago now, but it
was really funny. Yeah, I didn't know either.
But he's just like, this is whatI want to do.
I'm like, oh. Yeah, they fulfilling like an
inner child thing. You know, that sounds, that
sounds. I really thought only kids could
jump on them. So that's amazing, yeah.
Yeah, he had a he had a ball. I got I got stuck in the in the
(42:00):
pit of all the little film things and they had to dig me
out. That's incredible.
OK, well, thank you so much. Thank you for sharing all your
thoughts and experiences. I feel like you're you were very
open and very thoughtful in yourresponses, which I really
appreciate. I just want to, I just have one
more question for you. It's kind of my concluding
question for everyone and it's it's not on purpose.
(42:21):
So the question is what do thesekids need to know?
And it really can be anything you want to leave for the
younger generation, and it couldbe any topic.
So I went really broad with thisand I'm going to say be true to
yourself because there's just somany pressures and lots of
things are going to be pulling you one way or another.
And there's always going to be certain expectations.
(42:43):
And that's going to be incredibly exhausting.
A lot of like the anxiety that you have about these outside
thoughts is not something that you need to take on to yourself.
There's already enough going on in our lives that you don't need
to take on these pressures that you might think are coming from
elsewhere because a lot of the time it's just what you're
thinking are the pressures and it's not really there.
(43:05):
It's a it's a construct. So it's better to just kind of
let it go. Just be who you want to be.
As long as you're being responsible and you're being
true to yourself, I think that'sthe best thing that you can do.
Don't wait too much time. The way that I did is what I
would tell my younger self like stop caring what everybody
buddy, thanks and just to be youand the ones who stick around
(43:29):
with who, with the person that you are, the ones who matter and
the ones who don't, It's like let it go.
You don't need people who are going to be constantly judging
you in your life. Yeah, beautifully sad.
Yeah. I don't have nothing else to add
because I was. That was perfect.
So again, thank you so much. Thanks for being on my podcast
and I'll talk to you soon. Thank you for having me, of
(43:52):
course. Thank you for listening to my
conversation with Rosio. We both could relate on quite a
few experiences. I absolutely loved her advice to
the younger generation and that it was something she would tell
her younger self. I'm finding as we get closer to
40 we can have such a drastically different
perspective than a 20 and we canbecome so much more sure of what
(44:14):
we want and know. How to pursue that too?
Maybe we can even find a little more peace within ourselves.
Next week I'll be talking with afriend using the alias Leia.
Together we share our wedding experiences, how we can have
better conversations with our friends, having kids, and how
she's merging her career goals and aspirations with her desire
(44:36):
to have a kid soon. As always, I can't wait for you
to hear my combo with her. If you feel like anything
resonated with you today, pleasereach out.
You can reach out via e-mail at hello@thisclockpod.com or DM me
on Instagram at this clock pod. For behind the scenes content
into making this podcast and formy reflections, you can
(44:58):
subscribe to my sub stack at this clock pod.substack.com.
You can find all this info in the show notes.
To help support this podcast, please rate, review, and follow
on whatever platform you listen.See you next Thursday.
Hi, you're listening to Who SetsThis Clock?
I'm the podcast creator and hostMarguerite.
Each week I talk with my guests about their life timelines.
We take a closer look at the life paths we take or don't take
when it comes to having kids, along with other types of cyto
clocks that take around us. I have candid, personal
conversations with people from awide range perspectives.
(00:23):
I also explore how our relationship shift when friends
and family start to have kids. New episodes come out every
Thursday. Thank you so much for listening.
Before we get into today's episode, I want to take a moment
to acknowledge the ICE raids happening here in Los Angeles in
my city. These actions are causing real
fear and harm in our immigrant communities, especially the
(00:47):
Latino community. I am thinking in my city and
proud to see those speaking out and protesting over the past
couple of days. I encourage my listeners to
support local immigrant justice organizations.
CHIRLA, the Coalition for HumaneImmigrant Rights here in LA, is
one of the many organizations doing amazing work to protect
(01:08):
immigrants rights. Even if you're not in LA, please
keep yourself informed. Immigration raids have been
popping up across this country in the United States.
I hope you take care of yourselfand your loved ones during these
stressful times. These moments remind us how much
we all deserve safety, dignity, and care, no matter where we're
from. OK, let's get into today's
(01:32):
episode. I'm here with my friend Rosio.
(01:58):
We met while working as educators at a museum in Los
Angeles. I think now is a good time to
mention that you'll start to notice in upcoming episodes.
I still keep in touch with many of my former Co workers from
that period in my life. I feel lucky to have to have
that in my life. As I started my career at this
museum, I met lots of people my age and a lot of ways it shaped
(02:20):
who I am today. Rosio and her husband Daniel are
so good about keeping in touch with everyone and inviting me to
Hangouts, so I'm very appreciative of that.
I'm really looking forward to talking with her today.
At her birthday celebration earlier this year, we briefly
talked about her plans for her future in regards to growing her
family. For me, that topic is something
that tends to naturally come up in conversations.
(02:42):
And looking back, I think that conversation with her was
another nudge to give me the confidence to put this podcast
together. So that quick chat at her
birthday really stuck with me. And today I'm looking forward to
going a little bit deeper with her.
OK, so I want to start giving you all a fuller sense of who
Rosio is. And then we'll talk about life
timelines and how friendship dynamics can shift when some
(03:04):
people have kids and others dumps.
So yeah, let's get into it. Hi, Rosio, welcome to the
podcast. Can you tell us a little bit
about yourselves for our listeners?
What's your age? Who do you live with and do you
have kids? Things like that.
Hi, and thank you for having me,Marguerite.
(03:24):
So yes, I'm Rosio. I'm from Los Angeles, born and
raised. I'm 39 years old.
I live with my husband. We actually just moved to
Torrance a couple of months ago.So it's been a very exciting
change for us. Went to school in Long Beach.
I've been working at the museum that Marguerite and I met.
(03:45):
For what? What is it like 1314 years now?
I was going to ask you what yearyou started and I forgot.
Yeah, I started in 2011, so thisyear will be 14 years.
Oh my gosh. It it went by quickly.
Yeah, it does. It really does.
Yeah. And I have no kids at the moment
except for my beautiful cat, which I consider my childhood.
(04:06):
Yes, of course, we have to mention the pets, of course.
OK, great. And I think that gives like a
frame of reference. So yeah, I want to start with
the kind of diving in. What did you imagine your life
to be like at this age of 39 or late 30s?
Yeah. I mean, originally I always
thought that I would go the education route.
(04:28):
That was always something that like I really dreamed up.
I thought that I might go to getlike my master's degree, for
example, and I might have had a might purchase my home at this
point, you know, maybe done liketraveling.
That was always something that Ireally wanted to do as a as a
child. I wanted to see ancient cities
(04:48):
because I loved, I loved the classics.
I actually, that was what I studied when I was in college.
I studied archaeology and I justfell in love with it even more
than. But as a child, it was a big
dream. And you know, marriage was not
something I necessarily thought of when I was a little girl.
A lot of little girls dreamed about their wedding day, and
(05:09):
that wasn't me. I wasn't, I was very, I was a
little bit different. I was very bookish.
I was very, you know, I kind of wanted to do my own thing and I
had two elder sisters and for me, I was always wanting to be
the opposite of of them. I had a very rebellious spirit
(05:29):
as my if if you met my mother, she would say I just didn't want
to, I guess, conform. Oh, interesting.
OK. Did your your older two sisters
get married? Yeah, they neither one of them
went to college. It wasn't the route that they
that they took. They went to school for only a
(05:51):
couple of years and then they started doing their their own
thing, their own career. And then eventually both of them
got married one a little bit later in life.
But she was in a committed relationship for many years.
So I always considered it kind of like a marriage.
And then, yeah, they got they got married.
My second eldest sister went on to have children and my eldest
(06:12):
sister, like myself, just wasn'tin the cards for her.
Her and her husband came to the agreement that they weren't
interested in having kids. So.
Interesting. OK, yeah.
I'm always interested in like sibling dynamics.
I have. I'm the oldest of four and none
of us have kids. It's seeming like we won't, but
we'll we'll see. And yeah, I also relate to I
(06:33):
never really dreamed of my wedding as a kid either.
Like I didn't think of a weddingdress or like, what would it be
like? I just yeah, it didn't seem like
you hear that trope of what wereyour wedding day be like a
little girls are thinking about their wedding by same.
I did not imagine it. So, OK, so thinking about where
(06:54):
you imagine your life was like at this age, how do you feel
about where you are now? You know.
I'm happy like where where I currently am.
I really love the work that I do.
My job is very fulfilling, so I'm, I am really happy with
that. It's very goal oriented.
It has like a mission to it and I feel like it's doing helpful
(07:15):
work for our communities here inLos Angeles, which makes me
really happy to kind of continueand be excited to want to keep
going. I have a really loving family.
We're I'm very close with my momand my sisters and I see them
several times a month. I get to see, I get to see that.
I get to see my nieces. I take my cat over so that she
(07:36):
can see her grandma. So so it's like really nice and
fun loving. I have a really awesome husband
who's really great at, you know,keeping keeping me on my toes.
He just has a very different outlook on life and I feel like
it's a great compliment to me. I am very analytical and I am
(08:00):
very like things need to be donethis a certain way.
And he's very like, you know, I don't have happen when it
happens. And like, he's a little bit more
spontaneous, a little bit more like he lets things kind of go.
And yeah, but he also kind of pushes me for like certain
(08:20):
things and take me outside of mycomfort zone, which I'm thankful
for. Obviously I'm very, I'm very
stubborn. So he has to kind of be like,
you need to try, we need to try different things.
So as as annoying as that can besometimes, also like I'm very
grateful for. Yeah, yeah.
It's a good balance. It's like you're, yeah, like you
said, more analytical and he kind of brings you out of that.
(08:43):
So, and I'm sure vice versa, youprobably keep him on track and
we all have restraints in that way too, so.
Yeah, yeah. I feel like it's a nice way of
kind of like looking a lot of the time when in the beginning
it's just like, gosh, we are so different.
I'm just like, I don't know how your brain works.
It's just I think that's one of the things that kind of
(09:04):
intrigued me about him when we first started going out.
It's just like, wow, I do not understand the world through
your eyes, but I found it awesome.
That's great. So it seems like you're really
happy, even though it might not exactly be what you imagine your
life to be like. It seems pretty on track and
that you're happy with where youare now.
What do you love most about yourage right now?
(09:26):
I think more than anything, I amstarting to feel a little bit
more comfortable and confident. And the person who I am, I spent
a lot of time in my 20s, just a lot of like, you know, you
people like me. Am I, am I doing things the way
(09:47):
other the way others want it to be done?
I'm just kind of second guessingeven though like in my heart of
hearts, I was just like, but like, this is how I want to do
things. But like always wanting to not
step on toes, for example. And I think over time, I think
I've gotten to a point where I'mable to look at things a little
(10:12):
bit more holistically. I'm kind of take a step back on
like it like it's not, it's not all about perceptions.
And you're never going to get 100% of any of anyone's
approval. And it's OK.
You have to accept that and justkind of move on from that and
just know that like if you know you're in that you're in the
(10:32):
right for what you feel that you're doing.
Just be confident and comfortable and just let
everything else kind of roll off.
Yeah, as someone who wants everyone to like me, I think it
gets a little easier because, yeah, you just with time and
wisdom, it gets easier to like let it roll off of you.
If someone doesn't like you or doesn't agree with what you're
(10:53):
doing, it's what you're doing inlife.
And that's if it's OK with you, then that's OK with you.
So sometimes it's easier said than done than done.
But yeah, I feel like with as you're growing up, that really
that has stuck out for me to a feeling that it's going along
the lines of, of that there are certain timelines and societal
(11:13):
pressures that can affect us as we're aging.
And, you know, some people have opinions about what we're doing
and you kind of have to decide what's for you and what's not
for you. So along the way, have you felt
any societal pressures about where to be at this age?
It could even be in your 30s or and and now at the at the age of
39. Yeah, definitely felt a lot of
societal pressures. I am a Latina and in in Latino
(11:39):
culture, a lot of the time, you know, it's expected that you're
supposed to get married, have kids at a certain point.
And so much of my time prior to Daniel and I getting married, it
was always the question of when are you 2 getting married?
And then once we did get married, immediately after,
(12:00):
including the day that we got married, it was like, so when
are the kids coming? Oh my God, I was just like Jesus
on the. Day of your wedding.
Wow. Yeah, OK.
On the day, I was just like, OK,it was, you know, it was
something that like I knew it was coming and it wasn't like
from anybody immediate in my in,in my family.
(12:21):
It was like, you know, my cousinjoking about it, my aunt asking
about it. Like it wasn't, it wasn't my
mom, it wasn't my sisters. And because I've spoken with
them before, I'm like, that's not really where I was thinking
of going. So yeah, they don't, they don't
necessarily bring it up. But yeah, it happened from an
aunt and a cousin, and I was like, OK, yeah.
(12:44):
Like when we celebrate today, I'm hitting one milestone.
Let's celebrate that. Yeah.
I was just like, yeah, I just said I do 30 minutes ago.
Thank you. Yeah.
Want to move on to the next thing?
Oh gosh, have you found that? Well, it's not your immediate
family, but has there been anyone like beyond your family
that has asked you about that? Like getting married or having a
(13:08):
family. That I can remember.
I know that it's, I know that it's mostly been family that I
can think of. And I know I've had
conversations with, with friendswhere like, you know, it, it
wasn't brought up like with likean expectation or where like I
felt that there was like a pressure behind it.
I think it was more just an openconversation of just like, you
(13:29):
know, are you all thinking aboutgetting married?
What about like kids? What's the next step?
Like you, I think it was more open, not so much like.
So when is this going to happen?Now, like with pressure and
judgement on that, Yeah, yeah. And then how long did you and
Daniel wait to get married? Like how many years was that to?
(13:49):
I believe it was four years fromwhen we started dating that we
got married. OK nice.
So just find it kind of rude. Any Yeah, it's when it's family.
You have to be very. What's the word not rude back?
I don't know. You can't be very aggressive
with your response. But I haven't experienced that
too much in my family. My mom used to ask me, I think
(14:12):
just to gauge like you're saying, gauge interest, like
what's going on here? Like you're married.
Are you going to start a family?And she has to couple times.
And I had to be like very directlike Nope.
I just, I decided not to have kids.
Zach and I decided not to have kids.
And then she really backed off. Yeah, I haven't really felt
pressure from her. And I'm thankful when parents
don't put that pressure on cuz you already have to make that
(14:33):
choice. And then to have added pressure
seems stressful. So.
Yeah, yeah, I completely agree with that.
Yeah. And did you feel any pressure to
get married? Did you have that, like looming
over you or did you feel like that was on your timeline?
I felt like it was a little bit marriage was a little bit more
(14:55):
on my timeline. I will say that specifically
like for us, us getting married,it was something that we had had
this conversation on together and we always knew it was going
to happen maybe at some point down the road.
And what really kind of pushed us to happen a little quicker
(15:16):
than I would have thought is my dad was told that he only had
about six months left to live. And I wanted to make sure that
he would be able to give me awaybecause even though I never
dreamed of that as a, as a little girl, it was incredibly
important to me for to have likethat moment.
And So what ended up happening is he got released from the
hospital and it was going to be Father's Day weekend and we
(15:40):
ended up having a friend do the ceremony for us and my parents
backyard because my dad couldn'treally travel.
He was really weak. And that's how we got married,
at least the the first marriage and then we had the more
official one later. But yeah, that's the one that I
consider the official one where my dad gave me away.
(16:03):
So that was, that was, I'll say I wouldn't say that it pressured
us. I'd just say that it moved up
the timeline the. Timeline moved up.
Well, that's really beautiful. Thank you for sharing that.
I remember seeing your photos and it looks so sweet and like
really intimate and like the people in your family that were
there. We just looked.
It just did lovely. So yeah, that's thank you for
(16:25):
sharing. It's really such a pretty
moment. So we talked a little bit about
pressures about marriage and thepeople asking if you're going to
have kids or not, and I want to move into that direction.
So at any point in your life hasthe idea of of having kids up
come up for you? I know say you said currently
you don't have kids, so has thatidea come up for you as well?
(16:52):
Yeah, So all, all on the same line as when we first started
talking about marriage, we also started talking about like
possibilities of having a family.
And we had a very open conversation on like how we
thought about that. And I didn't let Daniel know
that when it came to the idea ofchildbirth.
I have a really deep seated psychological fear of
(17:13):
childbirth. I've had it since for as long as
I can remember, since I was a child, I at least.
And the thought of it just scares me incredibly.
Like just, I don't know. I've always had it in the back
of my head that would I have gotten pregnant that I wouldn't
have made it through the pregnancy.
(17:33):
And it's just, you know, probably needed to go to therapy
for something like that, but I can't really tell you like where
it comes from. But like it's just deep rooted.
Plus, the more you learn as you become an adult, it's just the,
the, the rates that we have herein the United States are
incredibly bad. And it's just, it doesn't help
(17:54):
it how it made my anxiety even worse when it came to that.
And so I let him know that for me, it was probably not going to
be a possibility of something that I would be able to do
emotionally or mentally because I just don't feel like I would
be able to commit to that. And like, you know, I'm like,
(18:15):
I'm not going to come out of it well, not for.
You. No, so he, he completely
understood. He was, he was just like, it is
your body that is going to be going through that.
And if that's not something thatyou're comfortable with, we can
look into other possibilities. And one of the things that we
talked about was the possibilityof adoption someday, which I'm
(18:36):
completely comfortable with. I wouldn't mind being able to,
you know, bring a child into ourfamily.
We have a very loving home and Ifeel like we would be able to
give it a good environment to grow up in.
And for me it doesn't matter in terms of like biological or
anything like that. Cuz I know some people like
(18:58):
their dream is to have a biological child.
But for me, I don't see, I don'tsee myself having seen a
difference in that. It would still, yeah, it would,
it would still be like a child that would be able to be brought
in. I do have a cousin who adopted a
child and she absolutely loves him and sees him as her own.
(19:18):
And yeah, but seeing her and howhappy she is with that
relationship that she has with her son just fully shows me that
that's that's something that I can definitely do maybe someday.
Yeah. Oh, that's cool.
Yeah, you have someone, an example like really close to you
to see that, how that works out too.
That's amazing. I, I hadn't heard about this
(19:38):
before, but I just learned I waslooking at another podcast
called the Kids or Child Free Podcast.
And they talk about more specifically like the decision
if you're going to have kids or not and how to like weigh that
decision. And then I saw tokophobia, which
is an intense fear of pregnancy and childbirth which I had no
idea existed. Yeah, I didn't know that was a
(20:01):
word. Yeah, Tokophobia and tokos in
Latin meaning childbirth. So fear of childbirth and and it
come, it kind of stems from symptoms resembling OCD, not
necessarily saying that it's an umbrella of OCD, but it stems
from anxiety and not, and I'm not trying to diagnose you by
any means, but there there is a legitimate fear of that.
(20:22):
And I also have, I don't think Ihave tokophobia to that extent,
but I have a fear of it changingmy body, of going through that
process. I refuse to watch a video of
childbirth. Like, I've avoided it for life
and I don't want to see it and Idon't want to hear the stories.
I guess I've had some curiosity.I've asked friends, like, for a
(20:44):
little bit of information, like how it happened or if they're
willing to share. But yeah, I feel like that is an
important factor and it's something to check in with
yourself about. And especially for you, it came
up in childhood. So it's something that you're
honoring and that's your boundary.
And so, yeah, that is real and that's out there and it can, it
can really factor into into thisdecision.
(21:05):
So I'm glad that you and Daniel could find a compromise in that.
And, and, and it's wonderful. Yeah.
Thinking of adoption too, comingup.
Yeah, we are gonna talk about you have touched upon like it's
kind of changed over the years. If you can just remind me you
didn't really like imagine having kids growing up that's
(21:28):
kind of like off the table untilyou met Daniel.
Or was that something that you kind of like refactoring in the
back of your mind? Yeah, I will.
I'll say that at least when I was growing up, since I didn't
think I would get married, I just didn't think I would have
children. And so that was just kind of
like always in the in the back of my my head, I'm just like,
(21:48):
that's just not going to be in the cards for me.
And then I think what kind of had me reflecting more on it is,
you know, speaking with Daniel and like, knowing that, like for
him, he always dreamed of havinga family.
And so, yeah, having that conversation between us, like
him being able to understand whyI wouldn't be able to give birth
(22:09):
to a child, but talking togetherand just having a conversation
on what other possibilities are there and then finding a
compromise that would be good for both of us.
And this for us, I think will besomething that can work.
We're both going to be happy with moving forward.
And it's something that we can together start doing like
(22:31):
research on to see like a timeline of when like that might
be able to happen. It may not be like within a year
or two, but maybe like we can start at least doing some
research so that we have a better understanding.
I think is something that we've been wanting to do for some
time. Just to know like, okay, what
needs to happen? Like what are the processes?
(22:54):
Because I can't say that I know it, and I know it's not what it
looks like in the movies, because that's way too simple.
So, OK, so you're going to startto to do research about it.
And you know, we also as women, we have the biological clock.
So maybe that releases some pressure because you'll be
adopting. And yeah, I feel like that that
can also just change your timeline in general because it
(23:15):
will be not on your on your body, you know, it'll be outside
of that. So yeah, that's beautiful how
you both came into that agreement and and also talked it
through as well. Do you feel any other pressures
of about where you are in life? It sounds like you, you feel
really good about your, your situation.
You have, you know, you're married, you have a wonderful
(23:36):
career that you really live and then it sounds like you're
really talk through the adoptionroute.
But yeah. Do you have any other pressures
that are coming outside from exterior?
Forces, not so much. I think I'm 39, so I think I'm
getting to an age where like family is starting to ask me
less and less about like the kids, etcetera.
(23:56):
And other than like my my immediate family, we haven't
really told anyone that we are thinking of someday adopting.
It's something like, you know, I've mentioned it to my mom, but
haven't spoken to her and in a lot of detail about it or like a
timeline for and my sisters knowthat that's the possibility of
somewhere where I might go. So they're excited about
(24:19):
potentially being ants in the future other than to the cats.
And but aside aside from that, Ifeel like now that we've bought
a home, like also I feel like that's something like I've,
we've been wanting to do for quite some time, not something
again that we thought we'd be able to do, especially with the
(24:40):
way the world is going. Yeah, especially for millennials
like us, Yeah. I know, but we're we're happy
kind of getting adjusted into like this whole new whole new
world of being homeowners. It's very, it's very different.
And yeah, I think that's like for, for us, I don't know that
anybody else is saying it. It's just like we're currently
(25:02):
like in a condo. We would like to at some point
buy like an actual like home, the one that we see ourselves
kind of like like settling into like as our forever home.
So I think that's more like it'sin our, it's in both of our
brains, but not so much coming from other people.
OK, the goal we can set for yourself.
Yeah. Yeah, let's call it a goal.
(25:23):
I guess that's that's better. Yeah, I feel like the top three
are like getting married, havingkids and then a home.
And that's something that you kind of have to you feel out in
your 20s and 30s and then you kind of see where you land.
Congrats, by the way, on your onyour new home because it's
pretty recent, right? Yeah.
Very recent, yeah, we just got it.
(25:45):
Nice. OK, we're moving along and a
huge reason why I started this podcast was because as I was
going through my 20s and friendsare to have kids and start their
families, I felt very thrown off.
I felt like I didn't know how tonavigate that, especially being
more firm in my personal decision not to have kids.
(26:06):
So it, it really felt like a huge shift and I, and I still
even feel like even now 30s, I feel like I'm navigating that in
this episode before I, I talked to one of my good friends who
I've known since college and shehas two kids.
And so, you know, for me, that was the first time talking to
her one-on-one. I feel like I want to get into
(26:26):
this with you too, that we oftendon't have these conversations
with parents and friends about these shifts that happened in
our lives. So it's pretty interesting to
talk with her about her perspective and my perspective
and how we're both feeling aboutit.
So I think that's a huge reason why I want this podcast because
I want to hear other people's perspectives, how they navigate
(26:46):
that shift and how that affects their lives too.
So it's, it's really fascinatingto me and I'm, I'm hoping that
can make me feel less alone. I think in general, in general
when experiencing that kind of timeline in life.
So yeah, I think just to kind ofget a sense of your friends and
family members, Do you feel likethere's a good mix of people
(27:07):
that have kids or not have kids?How's that feeling for you with
your friends and family members having kids in their lives or
choosing not to? Yeah, I think I have a, a pretty
good mix of both. So like I mentioned earlier, one
of my elder sisters has three girls and then my other elder
sister does not have any kids. Her and her husband made the
(27:29):
decision that they don't. And so, you know, that's my
immediate like family dynamic right there.
Same thing with with like my immediate like first cousins.
I have one who has one little boy and then the other one,
she's not married, doesn't have kids.
And so like at least with family, it seems to be be like
pretty, pretty even. And then with friends very
(27:50):
similar. I have a good number of friends
who you know, they, they are either single or they have a
partner, but they don't have anykids at the moment.
Some of them I do know that theydon't want to have kids and
others I haven't had the conversation with them if they
are choosing because I don't want to ask that question
(28:11):
because I remember not being comfortable with being.
And so only if it's kind of brought up, I'm just like,
great, thanks for letting me know.
Yeah. And then I also have like
friends of my 2 closest friends from high school, both of them
have families. One of them just had twin girls
last year on top of her two little boys that she already
(28:33):
had. So she's now a full family of
four. And my other good friend, she
has 2 little boys. And yeah, it's they were like
some of my closest friends that when the some of the longest
friends that I have. And so yeah, it have a good mix
of folks, both with kids and without.
(28:55):
Kids, yeah. And then maybe we can also talk
more about the two friends from high school cuz you're your
longest friends. But how do you feel like you've
navigated those relationships that do have kids?
Cuz that's for me, that's the longer the relationship too.
It's you're so used to the way that you, even if you're like a
trio, like your dynamic and the way you hang out and the way
(29:19):
that you're able to just like bespontaneous and then go and hang
out. And then when someone has a kid,
it's not as easy. So do you guys have you all
talked about that? Or if you haven't also thinking
about how you navigated that andthose changes.
Yeah. We haven't had an open
conversation about like the change that has happened.
It's we definitely know it's there.
(29:39):
I think we acknowledge it not directly, but just like, hey,
like I know you guys are busy, but you want to get coffee this
like 2 like 2-3 weeks from now and like just kind of seeing
where the cards may may land andyou're the one and.
Too. It's, it's a mix.
Sometimes it's yeah, it's so it's not just me.
(30:01):
Sometimes they'll reach out to me and like I have like an hour
without the baby and then, you know, they'll they'll ask if
like we can, we can hang out. It was really nice when I was
living in Pico Rivera, which is my hometown, because they both
live there with their, with their families.
And when we were we were living there, it was so much easier.
They would text me and it would,I would be able to kind of meet
(30:21):
up with them. And now, you know, I live 30
minutes away. Yeah, distance, it's a little
bit, it's going to be a little bit more complicated now going
forward. So it's going to have to be much
more of a planned thing rather than a spontaneous like, OK, we
have, we have like 15 minutes orI can just go over someone's
(30:42):
house and we can have like tea together for a few minutes while
the kids are taking a nap or something.
Yeah, yeah, I see that. Yeah.
So it's been, it's been something just to kind of
navigate with definitely understanding that, you know,
family dynamics are are going tochange, understanding that their
(31:02):
time is going to be a little bitmore focused, especially since
they have such young kids at this time that need a lot of
attention. And you know, especially my
friend who has four little ones and a husband who work for long
hours, you know, she she's primarily the one at home and
she gets maybe support from likesome family members with the
(31:26):
kiddos. So I don't want to put extra
pressure on my part. I want to kind of be
understanding of that and just letting her know through like
text or just phone calls, just saying hi, seeing how you're
doing. That's pretty much how we kind
of check in with each other, at least on a monthly basis.
We kind of on a group text just like, hey, just seeing how you
(31:48):
all are doing and then we'll just like send funny memes or
emojis. Yeah, yeah.
Just to keep in touch, like a yeah that you see, because I
know you're very close to your nieces.
Do you feel like that experiencehas helped you be empathetic and
and help with this, with this change in your friendships?
Do you feel like that has any impact?
Yeah. Seeing seeing my nieces grow up,
(32:09):
it was it was really great. My eldest niece, like I was one
kind of primarily taking care when my sister was doing school
and work in that early phase. So it was really nice to kind of
get that early relationship withher.
And it kind of continues to now.And she's 18 now, but it's.
(32:31):
Yeah, I know it's unbelievable to just like, remember I was
just like when when this little girl was born, I was I was 20
years old, pretty much her age at this.
Wow. Yeah.
When I became when I became her aunt and.
And yeah. It's just it's something that I
feel like helped me kind of see,like, hey, you know, I can keep
(32:51):
a human being alive. It's possible.
I find. Yeah, yeah.
I always found it funny because I'm just like, I can't keep a
plant alive, but I can keep a human being alive.
It's pretty. Impressive.
That's amazing. Do you feel like you would want
to have these conversations withyour friends or do you feel it's
kind of naturally happening where you're where the flow is
(33:15):
is happening? Like for me, it's kind of hard
to, I did feel, I, I feel very empathetic to their situation,
but sometimes it can be a bummerto like not have some reach out
to you or just really not see them as much.
So yeah, I just wanted to see how you're how you're feeling
about that. Yeah, I can.
It definitely does feel a littlebit sad.
It's just, it's, it's a shift, it's a change due to changes in
(33:40):
their, in their family circle. And yeah, it's, it's, it's a
little bit sad, especially for my friends who I've known them
since high school. And, and yeah, it's just as it
was. We weren't, it's not like we
were seeing each other like all the time because, you know, we
have marriage work. But yeah, it's a kind of being
(34:03):
having to let go of like what was and transitioning into like
a new phase of what that friendship is now.
And yeah, it's understanding as I am.
I can't help but be a little bitsad about it.
I don't know that I would openlytalk about it to them because
like I feel like it would not that they would take it badly or
like, but I just don't want themto make it like make them feel
(34:28):
bad about it. Maybe.
Yeah, like I don't, I, I would hope that it wouldn't, but I
mean, I, I can't, you can ever gauge like how someone is going
to take something you can mean something in in the best way
possible and it could come off completely the opposite of how
you had hoped. And I just don't want to put
that pressure on them. I'm like they they're going
(34:49):
through and now I'm like, they don't, they don't need this.
I'm like, maybe we can reflect on it later.
Maybe when the kids are older. Yeah, maybe where we can kind of
look back and on it and like maybe dynamics will change in a
couple of years when the kids are a little bit older, they can
travel a little bit more, you know, things, things become a
(35:10):
little bit more flexible. But until that time, like, yeah,
I've, I've been, I, I think I'vejust kind of been like in my, in
my brain just kind of reminding myself like, just remember, you
know, it's not that they don't want to like answer, they just
can't at this moment. They'll, if they'll, I usually
hear with, I hear from them. Like if I if I don't hear from
them that day within a couple ofdays at most?
(35:32):
Yeah, yeah. My first interview was with my
sister. She's 35, and she said that
yeah, she feels like selfish to kind of have those
conversations. And I think she's kind of tried
and she feels like comes off selfish.
So she's had to do a lot of selfreflection in that too, of like
how to how to keep that a littlebit to yourself and then
(35:53):
navigate that. And then as you're talking to, I
was also thinking about like, I'm in generally really bad with
change in my life. So I'm like, yeah, we've been
having a hard time because it isa change in life, the new season
of life. And so I am not so quick.
I'm adaptable, but like when thelarger things happen and there's
(36:14):
a changer, I've really feel likea shift.
It's really hard for me to pivot.
And so I just felt really off guard by all of this.
And I think it's just me processing this major change and
it's going to change again, likeyou said.
And when the kids get older and when they have more time, the
friendship dynamic could change again.
(36:35):
So yeah, I mean, it's a little bit of therapy for me of like
I'm having some hard time with change and that's I'm
recognizing that. And it's all part of also
growing up, cuz even if you didn't even not having kids,
you're still way different than when you're in your 20s.
Your life can look a lot different.
Avoid you're going out and the way that you're doing stuff.
So that's another change even. Just coming into a different
(36:57):
jacket as well, so. Yeah, absolutely.
And yeah, I'm glad you put the word to it.
For some reason, selfish did not.
But yes, that's exactly how it feels.
I'm just, I'm like, no, it's going to be taken wrong.
I don't want to start that cuz I'm gonna, I'm gonna come off.
I feel like I'm gonna come off very bratty of like, but I want
(37:18):
it this way. Like more time for me.
Like no, that's not how this works.
Well, thank you for all your perspectives on this.
I think one of the other questions I had was, and it
sounds like you all are navigating it very well.
You know, you you still have to keep in touch and you have like
a rhythm and flow to that and understanding.
But maybe even broader to even any of your other friends that
(37:40):
have kids. Is there anything you want them
to know about your perspective or Yeah, is there anything about
your perspective as a person who?
Does not have kids at the momentI think.
And this is not from like any ofmy like immediate friends, but
like, I sometimes feel like, youknow, when the when, when it
come, when it comes up like, oh,do you have like kids or like
you're chatting with someone? And like you say no, like, I
(38:02):
don't know, sometimes like a wall can go up, especially if
somebody does have children, forexample.
So this isn't like people that Iknow.
It's more like people that I'm meeting, for example, where the
assumption kind of becomes like,Oh, she doesn't have kids.
I mean, she doesn't like them orshe doesn't, she's not accepting
of like my lifestyle or, I don'tknow, it's not everyone, but I
(38:24):
definitely sometimes get that vibe from some folks where I
become the the other and I get categorized in that way, which
is really disappointing because that's all you get, get known as
a as like this, this category ofthey don't have kids, so they
don't understand. So they don't need to come to
like these parties or they don'tneed to come and socialize with
(38:46):
these people. Or the assumption is made for me
of like, oh, she probably won't want to come to the birthday
'cause like she doesn't have kids.
Yeah. Which is really sad.
And. I'm nodding my head a lot, like
I really agree with this, yeah. Yeah, so like I haven't had it.
(39:07):
My, my friends who have kids have, have invited me.
They're like, in case you want to want to come, we're
celebrating so and so's birthday.
And like, you know, if I can make it, I will definitely do.
So family has never left me out of like kids birthday party.
So that's not something that that I felt with, but like
people, people that I have, likeI, I've known we weren't like
(39:27):
the closest, but like, you know,we would hang out and then once
they had kids, all of a sudden it's just like, Nope.
Yeah, yeah, she's not in that category.
Maybe she doesn't want to go because there'll be tons of
screaming kids, but I agree. I would like to make that choice
on my own. And yeah, and also feel invited.
I feel the same. And I think we both work in
(39:49):
fields where we work with kids. And I have noticed that from,
and I don't think it's coming upvery often, but it's like when
there are kids classes or kids programs and there's mommy
groups that form, it can kind offeel othering or maybe they're
just like, oh, maybe they don't have that understanding, but
it's something that doesn't needto be that way.
(40:09):
I feel like it's because I don'thave kids.
I doesn't mean that we hate them.
So yeah, I totally agree on those.
You can feel those assumptions sometimes and it's like, give me
a chance or maybe ask how I feelabout those things and.
I have thought about that since working with with careers that
have that you create programs with kids.
(40:31):
So it's like, maybe, I don't know, people don't feel like
we're qualified, but it can fit away sometimes.
Yeah, I got it. Yeah, no, I totally agree with
that. So it would be nice to be
invited to, to give us a choice.There have been like times where
I've been invited. I think it's just for my nieces
to like, I think it's called SkyZone or something like all these
(40:54):
kids, all the surfaces and I'm like no, no, no, I don't want to
go there. Like I'm, I'm good on that.
But it's like a kids birthday party or somewhere else.
Like I would still want to be invited to those things.
So yeah, just giving that optionwould be be nice.
Yeah, although funny story, my husband for his 30th birthday
and decided to go to one of those trampoline parks which are
(41:16):
usually for little kids. I only hear that and it was
really funny because it was a bunch of little kids, Yes.
And then a group of 30 plus yearolds bouncing around on the
trampolines and getting stuck inveins because we're old.
I didn't know you. I didn't know adults could also
jump on the trampolines. We could, Yeah.
(41:37):
Yeah. This was years ago now, but it
was really funny. Yeah, I didn't know either.
But he's just like, this is whatI want to do.
I'm like, oh. Yeah, they fulfilling like an
inner child thing. You know, that sounds, that
sounds. I really thought only kids could
jump on them. So that's amazing, yeah.
Yeah, he had a he had a ball. I got I got stuck in the in the
(42:00):
pit of all the little film things and they had to dig me
out. That's incredible.
OK, well, thank you so much. Thank you for sharing all your
thoughts and experiences. I feel like you're you were very
open and very thoughtful in yourresponses, which I really
appreciate. I just want to, I just have one
more question for you. It's kind of my concluding
question for everyone and it's it's not on purpose.
(42:21):
So the question is what do thesekids need to know?
And it really can be anything you want to leave for the
younger generation, and it couldbe any topic.
So I went really broad with thisand I'm going to say be true to
yourself because there's just somany pressures and lots of
things are going to be pulling you one way or another.
And there's always going to be certain expectations.
(42:43):
And that's going to be incredibly exhausting.
A lot of like the anxiety that you have about these outside
thoughts is not something that you need to take on to yourself.
There's already enough going on in our lives that you don't need
to take on these pressures that you might think are coming from
elsewhere because a lot of the time it's just what you're
thinking are the pressures and it's not really there.
(43:05):
It's a it's a construct. So it's better to just kind of
let it go. Just be who you want to be.
As long as you're being responsible and you're being
true to yourself, I think that'sthe best thing that you can do.
Don't wait too much time. The way that I did is what I
would tell my younger self like stop caring what everybody
buddy, thanks and just to be youand the ones who stick around
(43:29):
with who, with the person that you are, the ones who matter and
the ones who don't, It's like let it go.
You don't need people who are going to be constantly judging
you in your life. Yeah, beautifully sad.
Yeah. I don't have nothing else to add
because I was. That was perfect.
So again, thank you so much. Thanks for being on my podcast
and I'll talk to you soon. Thank you for having me, of
(43:52):
course. Thank you for listening to my
conversation with Rosio. We both could relate on quite a
few experiences. I absolutely loved her advice to
the younger generation and that it was something she would tell
her younger self. I'm finding as we get closer to
40 we can have such a drastically different
perspective than a 20 and we canbecome so much more sure of what
(44:14):
we want and know. How to pursue that too?
Maybe we can even find a little more peace within ourselves.
Next week I'll be talking with afriend using the alias Leia.
Together we share our wedding experiences, how we can have
better conversations with our friends, having kids, and how
she's merging her career goals and aspirations with her desire
(44:36):
to have a kid soon. As always, I can't wait for you
to hear my combo with her. If you feel like anything
resonated with you today, pleasereach out.
You can reach out via e-mail at hello@thisclockpod.com or DM me
on Instagram at this clock pod. For behind the scenes content
into making this podcast and formy reflections, you can
(44:58):
subscribe to my sub stack at this clock pod.substack.com.
You can find all this info in the show notes.
To help support this podcast, please rate, review, and follow
on whatever platform you listen.See you next Thursday.
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