March 2, 2025 • 35 mins
Join us for an engaging exploration of why so many of us carry the weight of seriousness without realizing its impact on our lives. In our latest episode, we dive deep into the reasons behind our reluctance to laugh, unraveling how childhood experiences shape our perceptions of humor. Gain insights into the critical role laughter plays not just in enhancing our mood but also in promoting connections, healing, and overall well-being.
We tackle the barriers that prevent us from embracing humor, including anxiety, societal expectations, and deep-seated fears of vulnerability. Equipped with practical strategies, we guide you on how to invite laughter back into your daily life—whether it's through funny videos, light-hearted games, or simply learning to be silly again. Discover how mindfulness practices can facilitate this journey, assisting you in letting go of the need to take everything so seriously.
This episode is not just about understanding but about fostering resilience and joy in the face of life's challenges. Will you join us in recognizing that it's perfectly okay to find moments of laughter amidst the chaos? Tune in, and let's rediscover the lighter side of life together! Don’t forget to subscribe, share your thoughts, and connect with us afterward!
Laura's Free Course on Emotional Development and Regulation:
https://benavieri.com/neuroception-sign-up/
This show is sponsored by:
Core Self
Benavieri Counseling & Coaching
www.benavieri.com
Active Healing Psychiatric Services
www.activehealingpsych.com
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Laura (00:03):
Hello, Welcome to.
Why Am I Like this?
It's a podcast for those whodidn't get enough hugs as a
child.
I'm Laura Wood and I'm a traumatherapist.
Michaela (00:12):
And I'm Michaela Beaver.
I'm a psychiatric nursepractitioner.
Laura (00:17):
So, Michaela, why are we doing this podcast?
Michaela (00:21):
I am so glad you asked .
We want to help you understandyourself a bit better how the
things that you learned aboutyourself and the world and
childhood are still affectingyou today.
We want to figure out why arewe like this those?
Laura (00:34):
random things about ourselves that we might wonder
about.
Michaela (00:36):
Like why am I so jumpy ?
Why am I so anxious?
Why do I take everythingpersonally?
Why are my thoughts so negative?
Why do I feel like I have tofix everything all the time?
Laura (00:49):
Yes, and today we are talking about being serious
people.
Why are we so serious all thetime?
And we're going to try toanswer the following question
why can't I see the lighter sideof things?
Why is laughing good for me andhow to not take yourself so
seriously?
So let's get into it.
Why are we so serious?
Michaela (01:14):
Yeah, that's such a good question.
I think that, again, there'salways multiple reasons for why
we're like this.
Um, but I think of, I think ofperfectionism.
I think that if we can like,maintain this carefully curated
version of ourselves, thatpeople won't people won't see
(01:39):
our flaws.
Laura (01:42):
Yeah, like I don't want to be judged.
I don't want to be, you know,seen as imperfect or you know, I
want to be taken seriously, Iwant to be respected, I want to
be seen as like I'm not messinganything up ever.
Michaela (01:55):
Yeah, like maybe I'm, maybe I would think I'm not
smart enough, or people wouldthink I'm not smart if I made a
joke.
Laura (02:04):
Or I think fear and like hypervigilance can make us seem
really serious, like we're notpresent.
And so if we're constantlywalking around afraid of
somebody seeing us like mess up,and we're just like super
diligent about the way that webehave all the time, we can just
come off as really serious andlike stoic and like not really
(02:26):
can just come off as reallyserious and like stoic and like
not really we're not loose,we're not like going with the
flow, we're like sohypervigilant, trying to be a
certain way all the time.
Michaela (02:33):
Yeah, for sure.
Well, I think that you know, inour busy lives and we're always
trying to get ahead we arespending more and more time in
that fight or flight response,and so it can, you know, if we
do laugh and we do joke, thatactually helps to get us more
(02:53):
into that parasympatheticnervous system, you know, and
get us out of that fight orflight.
And so it can be really hard ifwe're, you know, trying to work
really hard at you, hard atdoing all these things, it can
be hard to let down that guardsometimes.
Laura (03:09):
Yeah, if I feel like I have to do everything right all
the time and I'm busy thinkingahead and planning for what's
next, what's the?
You know I could be vulnerable.
I could be seen, as you know,not doing something right or not
(03:31):
taking something seriously ornot paying enough attention or,
you know, somebody might judgeme in that way.
Michaela (03:38):
Well, and I think too, like, um, when we're with a
group of people that maybe wedon't trust completely, right,
it's hard to let that guard down.
And so where maybe we wouldnormally, you know, make a funny
joke or act a little bit silly,maybe we don't feel comfortable
enough to be vulnerable in thatsituation, and so we might
(04:00):
think that people are going tolaugh at us or they're not going
to like us if they see thatreal version of us.
Laura (04:06):
Yeah, and you know, when we are honest and genuine and
actually do show ourselves like,people tend to like us more.
That's the reality.
When we're like looking on thebright side or when we're, you
know, letting ourselves kind ofbe a little silly or be easier
to go through different things,be more flexible, we're actually
(04:30):
showing that we're human beingsand people appreciate that.
At least I think so.
I agree.
Michaela (04:38):
I think that it's our own internal experience of of
that and the fear of maybe thepast, right Like if we, you know
, were silly at one point andsomeone you know used it against
us or, you know, maybe somebodydidn't didn't like us for it.
Or we feel like people don'treally understand our funniness,
(04:59):
right Like we try to make jokesand, you know, maybe they don't
understand our humor, try tomake jokes and, you know, maybe
they don't understand our humor,and so we kind of learned that
it's not safe to let people seethat side of us and growing up,
like, what was the vibe in yourhouse, right?
Laura (05:13):
Like I always check in with people about what was
happening when they were kids.
Were they allowed to be silly?
Was silliness something thatwas appreciated in their house,
or was silliness something thatwas, like, frowned upon?
You know, sometimes adults likeI can relate to this.
As an adult, like I have a hard.
I used to have a hard time likeplaying pretend with my kids.
(05:35):
Like there's not really tea inthat cup, like I'm not drinking
anything, there's nothing there.
It's hard for me to playpretend so like.
So I could understand howadults maybe stifle silliness in
children and kind of say, likedon't act like that, like you're
acting childish, right, whenyou think about being silly and
(05:59):
think about making jokes orsometimes humor is assigned this
label of childish andimmaturity and so people don't
want to be seen that way.
As an adult, they think thatadults are supposed to be
serious all the time.
Michaela (06:17):
Yeah Well, it's so funny, like you're talking about
childhood.
So my brother is so funny.
I think he is he.
He just he's very witty.
Like he comes back with theselike very like perfectly timed
witty remarks and everybodylaughs and it's hilarious.
But I tend to be like super,super serious, like I'm not
(06:39):
quick with those things, and sowe grew up in the same exact
household.
I just think that we, you know,somewhere along the way, is he
picked up, or he's always beenreally good at just like coming
up with those things.
Laura (06:52):
Yeah, and it has to be at least a place that was safe, to
be fun and funny, Right?
So in your household it soundslike it was okay to make jokes.
Sometimes it was okay to laughat, you know, things that are
silly or funny, or you know whenI think about when we make
mistakes, or you know it's okayto laugh it off, it's okay to be
(07:13):
like, oh, I can't believe.
I just did that silly thing.
Like my son just texted me todayabout something that was.
He was like asked me a questionbut he wasn't thinking it
through and so he kind ofalready knew the answer.
So once he asked me thequestion, he says I swear I'm
not a failure.
He was like just kidding, Iknow the answer, I figured it
out Like don't worry, Cause itwas something so common sense
(07:35):
that he should have just known.
And so he made a joke about itand I I replied back, you know,
LOL, and it was.
I laughed out loud when I sawthe text, and so it's okay to
make a mistake, it's okay to besilly, it's okay to be funny.
That's the environment that I'mtrying to create, and it sounds
like that's the environmentthat you had when you were
growing up.
Michaela (07:55):
Yeah, definitely, I think that was definitely the
case.
Um, so why do you think thatlaughter can be good for us?
Laura (08:08):
Laughter is contagious.
It lightens the mood, itreleases doesn't smiling in
general like release, like happyhormones and like having just a
like having a good laugh hastherapeutic benefits.
Like it actually can likeremind us and put us in a place
(08:29):
where we feel safe and we feelcomfortable and we feel okay and
things can be.
Things can be okay again aftera really hard time, like when
we're all you know, when we'rereminiscing about somebody that
we've lost and we think aboutthe funny moments with them.
Like it feels lighter, it feelsbetter, it just it releases
feelings of wellbeing, ofwellness and of of safety and
(08:52):
connection, and so I think it'sa really positive thing to be
able to laugh.
Michaela (08:57):
Yeah, I, I think it also.
You know, you think about likethe oxygen exchange that's
happening when you're laughingreally hard, and so you're you
think about like the oxygenexchange happening when you're
laughing really hard, and soyou're you're getting an
increase in oxygen to your, yourmuscles, to your heart, to your
lungs, and you know you're,you're getting that boost of
(09:20):
endorphins and I think that likethere is even some level of
like decrease in inflammationthat can happen when we laugh,
and so there's really goodpositive physical benefits that
happen when we laugh and canreduce pain even.
Laura (09:38):
Yeah, you know, when we laugh so hard that we cry right
Like why is that happening?
We're because ourparasympathetic nervous system,
like you mentioned earlier, it'sreally activating.
So our parasympathetic nervoussystem counteracts that
sympathetic activation of youknow, fear and danger and you
know the overstimulation of youknow, when we're hypervigilant,
(10:02):
that kind of thing.
So our sympathetic nervoussystem activates when we're in
danger and then when oursympathetic nervous system is
active, it makes it kind of hardto be easy and calm.
But our parasympathetic nervoussystem comes in to balance that
out.
So when we're laughing andwe're getting that release and
our parasympathetic nervoussystem comes in to balance that
out.
So when we're laughing andwe're getting that release and
our parasympathetic nervoussystem is coming online, it's
(10:24):
really counteracting all of that.
Those symptoms of overthinkingor the symptoms of fear, the
symptoms of worry, the symptomsof anxiety and even depression
can be alleviated evendepression are can be alleviated
.
Michaela (10:42):
Yeah, that's such a good point.
I think that you know we talk alot about different like
grounding skills and breathingskills and stuff like that to
help activate theparasympathetic nervous system.
But you could just laugh.
You could just laugh Somethingthat's hilarious, like a funny
cat video.
My kids are obsessed with likewanting to go on YouTube and
watch funny cat videos and theyjust laugh.
(11:03):
Sometimes when I don't wantthem to watch TV they've had
enough TV time We'll literallyjust pretend that we're watching
funny cat videos and we'll likemake up stories of the funny
things that the cats are doing,just because they think it's
hilarious.
That's great.
Laura (11:18):
I love that strategy.
We can remember and even justthinking about it is kind of
making us laugh.
Right, when we see other peoplelaughing, we start laughing.
It's almost impossible toresist.
You know, when we're watchingfunny videos and it's just like
a quick thing, it just puts ourputs us in a place that's
(11:40):
outside of our own mind, it'soutside of our own distress.
It's such a good distraction.
I use that as a copingmechanism with my clients.
Often I'll say, like think ofthe funniest video that you've
ever seen.
Or like watch funny videos.
Or you know, like star them,put them in a folder or
something like that, so they'relike in a playlist, so that you
(12:02):
can pull them up whenever youneed them.
And those things will beavailable to you at any time and
you can use them to getyourself out of a stuck mood.
Michaela (12:12):
Yeah, that's a really good piece of advice and I think
that that's something that youcould easily go to if you're
needing like, if you're needinga distraction.
But I know that, like, somethings are not always funny for
everybody, right.
So, you know, sometimes we, youknow, have a hard time getting
(12:34):
behind things and I think, forme, like just certain comedians
or certain like shows, I'm likeI just don't understand that
humor, like it doesn't makesense in my brain.
Laura (12:48):
I totally get that, because I hate adult cartoons so
, like all cartoons made foradults, hate them.
I don't think they're funny, Idon't like them, it doesn't make
me feel good.
I just I don't know why I havethis aversion to them, but there
are so many people who thinkeverything, like all of those
cartoons are so funny Like theSimpsons, people love the
(13:09):
symptoms, it's like a wholething and I'm just like it's
just not my deal.
I can't get there, but that'sokay.
I can find other things that Ithink are funny.
You know there are a lot ofcomedians that I enjoy, that I
think are great and that I thinkare hilarious and I could sit
and watch and laugh for days.
You know videos I love watchingvideos of like babies and
(13:31):
animals together and like doingsilly things, or like babies,
like walking around, Cause likebabies are so silly, they just
are like they don't.
They're just wobbly and and andcurious and it's I think it's
really funny.
So I like to watch that kind ofthing.
Sometimes just smiling even ifit's not a laughter, just
(13:52):
smiling, can be enough to getyou into a little bit better of
a place so that you can findcertain things funny I can think
about when sometimes if I'm ina really bad mood, I don't want
to laugh.
I like actively am like I don'twant to laugh, I don't want to
think that's funny, Like cause Iwant to just brood and be mad
(14:12):
and like be unhappy and begrumpy right now, Um is that why
people always go?
Michaela (14:19):
don't laugh.
Laura (14:25):
Yes, and it's so annoying , right, but it works.
Like you have to be okay withwhat works and we have to be
accountable to our own self andlike recognize that being in a
broody, sad, grumpy mood is okay, but it's not necessary and so
we can make a change and get outof that.
And you know, we don't have tosit and like just be miserable
(14:50):
because something miserable ishappening.
It doesn't discredit ordisrespect the bad thing that's
happening.
If you change your mood andchange your mindset, disrespect
the bad thing that's happeningif you change your mood and
change your mindset.
Michaela (15:00):
Sure, I know, if you want to laugh, you should play
the game telestrations.
Okay, I've never played it.
Okay.
So it's like telephone, right,but it's only like.
But it's like you draw picturesand then, like, somebody else
will write the word and then thenext person draws the pictures
and, as you can imagine, ifpeople are not great at drawing
(15:20):
or spelling in our family,apparently it is the most
hilarious thing and you laugh sohard and you get social
connection when you do thosekinds of things.
So like trying to find somekind of game or thing that is
hilarious, like catchphrasesometimes, like that can be
really funny.
So you find things like that.
You can actually improve yoursocial connection with people
(15:43):
and laugh at the same time andlet the stress of the week, you
know, just relax off of you andyou can feel a whole lot
brighter just from doing some ofthose things.
Laura (15:56):
Laughing together and smiling together actually
increases your oxytocin bondinghormone too.
So, like as a family, you'reexperiencing that bond together
and it's co-regulating.
It's very much a communityevent, a social engagement event
to be able to release and relaxwith people that you love and
(16:20):
that you're connected to.
Just like fosters that bond.
It makes it so much strongerand what wires together fires
together.
So when you are laughing andhaving a great time and then you
remember that thing, like, doyou ever just laugh out of
nowhere because of a memory?
Oh for sure, I do it all thetime like I'll think of
something and I'll just startlaughing and then I'm like, why
(16:43):
like?
And then somebody might be like, why are you laughing?
And then it's because I'mremembering something that was
funny.
Michaela (16:55):
It's not even something funny right now.
It can be hard to you know.
Let go of that control that wefeel like we need or that we
have.
You know it's out.
Try.
Try one of these suggestionsand see what happens.
See if you can let laughterfind something that you find
(17:24):
funny, cause what's funny to usmay not be funny to you.
But you know, if you can findthat thing that makes you laugh,
you might feel like you can getout of that stuck place
Absolutely.
Laura (17:36):
And, you know, another reason why people maybe take
themselves seriously is thatcontrol that you mentioned and
the sense of.
I think a sense of likeresentment can come up from
people who are taking that orlike who are like super serious.
I think they can resent peoplewho are not serious and who,
(18:00):
like, make jokes about thingsbecause it makes them feel like
no one's hearing them, likemakes them feel misunderstood,
and so that's like, I think,sometimes why people get mad
when people make jokes out ofthings that are like serious
topics.
You know, sometimes thathappens where we try to make
light of things that are likeserious topics.
You know, sometimes thathappens where we try to make
light of something that's notlight and you know it upsets
(18:23):
people and offends them.
Um, because it's like you'renot understanding me and my pain
, right.
Michaela (18:32):
Well, and I think too, you're just like you said
earlier, like you, you're,you're in that mood and you're
so overwhelmed with everything.
And then someone, just like yousaid earlier, like you, you're,
you're in that mood and you'reso overwhelmed with everything,
and then someone just like sayssomething funny and it's like
you never take, like they justnever take anything seriously,
Like you know, and it justreally can be bothersome.
I mean, I feel like, um, I'mway more serious and my husband
(18:55):
is just like kind of a jokingfunny guy and sometimes he can
do that, and it's like, oh, Ijust can't with you right now.
I'm like you just don'tunderstand, this is not funny.
Laura (19:07):
Yeah, it can feel like a misattunement when we're being
serious.
I think that there's like amillion reasons why this can
happen.
But sometimes, when we've been,when we've been hurt before and
we have this deep pain inourselves that that doesn't get
to the surface or that hasn'tbeen worked out, you know, that
(19:29):
pain can kind of tell us likethe world is not an okay place.
Nothing is funny, nothing isgood, everything has to be
serious, everything has to be.
You know, I have to just workreally hard.
I'm I'm, you know everything ishard for me.
I'm just, you know I'm nevergonna get a catch a break, like
I can't catch a break, likethose kinds of thoughts can come
(19:49):
to mind when we're in a seriousplace, when we're feeling like,
when we're a person who isreally struggling with
depression or struggling with,you know just life circumstances
that are out of their control.
I think those negative thoughtscan make it hard to see the
bright side.
That can.
(20:10):
They can make it hard to relief, like to release that, that
feeling and just let go andlaugh and experience joy.
Michaela (20:22):
Well, I think that you really hit hit that one right
on.
So you said that they're tryingto control things Basically.
You're trying to control thingsBasically.
You're trying to control thingsthat are outside of your
control, Right Time, you know,and that can make us feel like
everything is really serious,Like we're going to take
everything really serious inthat because it's, because it
(20:44):
feels so, out of our control andoverwhelming.
Laura (20:48):
And if we've been hurt or if we've experienced trauma, or
if we've experienced trauma orif we've experienced danger, we
might believe like, hey, this isserious, everything is serious,
right, because if we don't takeit seriously, we could get hurt
, we could be in danger, wecould.
You know that hypervigilanceagain, that nervous, that
sympathetic nervous system,activation of the fight or
flight mechanism, that is likereally running our, our
(21:10):
strategies all the time.
Michaela (21:13):
Well, and what I think is really interesting is is
that people with that highfunctioning anxiety, they're in
this state all the time and itfeels really normal.
It doesn't feel like they'relike you're anxious or like
you're really worried aboutsomething, but you are, and so
it's just become your new normaland you might.
(21:38):
The thing you might notice isthat it is hard for you to laugh
or or or take things.
You know, lighter or, you know,laugh things off or whatever,
and so everything feels reallyhard.
Laura (21:46):
Mm-hmm hard and it feels really heavy and it feels really
alone and isolating, which iswhy laughter is the antidote to
that in a lot of ways, right,because of that social
engagement and because of theconnection that comes from
laughing and you know I alwayssay that we have to have a
(22:06):
connection with ourself and sosometimes just like watching
something funny, even if we'realone, and laughing and
experiencing joy by ourselves,like in a safe space where we
don't have to feel vulnerable,can be a good way to start, like
healing.
It can be a good way to startnot taking yourself so seriously
.
Michaela (22:24):
Yeah, um, the other thing that I had thought about
here was like, um, you know,specifically surrounding like
kids is like us as adults takingeverything seriously that they
do, because, um, the outcome, ifwe don't, is that they're going
(22:48):
to be a terrible human being,they're going to be a delinquent
, they're going to never besuccessful, and so we need to
teach these lessons so that theycan be good human beings.
Laura (23:02):
That makes so much sense.
If, as a kid, I was taught thateverything has to be taken
super seriously, otherwisesomething really bad will happen
, I am thinking that I wouldn'thave, you know, the freedom or
the safety to be silly or tolaugh things off or to see the
(23:25):
humor in something even as likea coping mechanism.
Right, because I think a lot ofpeople use humor as a coping
mechanism, which can be to anunhealthy degree.
We can all coping mechanismscan be used to an unhealthy
degree.
But when we don't overuse itand we're just using it to say
to kind of see things in an okayspace and like take, like see
(23:46):
the light, the lighter side ofthings, like that can be really
effective and helpful.
But if my whole life I've beentaught that like life is serious
, everything is serious, like wehave to be serious all the time
, you know that would probablyprevent me from from believing
that things can be funny as anadult an adult.
Michaela (24:07):
Well, and I think that , as a parent, if something you
know, you know spilled water,you know it doesn't have to be
the end of the world and we canmake jokes out of even hard
things and we can teach lessonseven through humor.
You know I I talk to kids about.
(24:27):
You know when they're beingbullied like, can you make a
joke out of what they're doing?
Right, because we, we don'thave to take everything
seriously.
And if we do in certain moments, then if we can flip it into
being something funny, then thattakes the power away from
certain situations or it makesit so that you can teach a
lesson and the kid doesn't haveto feel, you know, as
(24:49):
overwhelmed with guilt and shamein that moment.
And so not everything has to belike, not every like
consequence or every lesson thatwe teach has to be a negative
one.
Laura (25:02):
Yeah, I agree with that.
I think that's really important.
As we're interacting with ourkids or with young people or
with anyone right, Like whenwe're offering correction, we
need to be coming from like awith the heart of a teacher,
with a like with a, as alighthearted sort of like hey,
that happened, Whoopsie daisy,and this is okay.
(25:23):
You know, instead of comingdown on somebody like you should
have known, or you did thismessed up, and you know, that's
really stifling instead ofuplifting.
Michaela (25:34):
Yeah, well, I think that one of the things that's
really hard as a parent and Istruggle with this too is like
our expectations of our kidsgrow and grow and grow, and
sometimes our expectations growoutside of the what is actually
normal for a kid of that age,and so once they've shown that
they can do something, and theycan do it, well, that doesn't
(25:57):
mean that they're proficient atit, doesn't mean that they're
always going to be able to dothat, doesn't mean they're going
to not forget sometimes, and soyou know.
But the expectation is oh, youdid it, and now I know you can
do it.
Laura (26:16):
And so, therefore, you should always be able to do it,
and I don't know what justhappened here.
Yeah, we call that theexpectation gap is the gap
between what we expect is andwhat's actually possible, right,
like, like you said, justbecause we can demonstrate
proficiency in a moment doesn'tmean we can demonstrate it
consistently without support andreminder.
Like we still need thosetraining wheels.
Like, even when you havetraining wheels on your bike,
there's a time because thetraining wheels don't fully,
(26:36):
they're not as deep as theactual wheel, so there are
moments where you can ride yourbike and balance, even with
those training wheels on.
That doesn't mean you canconsistently do it.
It's just practice, it'sgetting started.
You still need support and youstill need those that backup.
It's like bumpers and bowling.
Like, even if you don't hit thebumpers, you know every single
(27:00):
time if, if six out of 10 timesyou do hit them, like that,
those four times demonstratethat you're practicing and that
you're getting better, but thatyou're not yet fully
consistently able to do it everytime.
Michaela (27:11):
Oh, I love that.
That's such a good analogy.
So, yeah, I mean, I think thatthat's a huge thing and I think
it can be really hard, becausewe so desperately are ready for
things to get easier.
Parenting is so hard andrelationships in general are
just really challenging.
You know, and I think that youknow, when we can see glimmers
(27:36):
of hope, we want, we really wantthat to stay.
We don't want to go backwards.
Laura (27:42):
No, we don't want to go backwards.
But it's important to know too,when I think about my clients
and I think they say things likea setback or whatever we're
never going back, we're nevergoing backwards.
Just because on the fifth timeI hit those bumpers doesn't mean
that on the sixth time I won'tlike or I can't like, I can't do
(28:04):
it without it, like we'removing forward all the time.
There is no such thing as goingbackwards, there is no such
thing as back at square one.
We're always learning andgrowing and moving forward, and
so that's true with ourselves,that's true with our
relationships.
Like you know, even if you guysare working on something, like
in an adult relationship, forexample, if we're working on
(28:24):
something and you know thatperson doesn't, doesn't do the
thing that you've been saying isgoing to happen that next time,
that doesn't mean you're backat square one.
It just means that one time itdidn't happen, but the next time
it can.
And so every new opportunity isan opportunity to sort of
revert back to our defaultmechanism of taking ourselves
(28:52):
seriously.
Like it's okay that we use thatdefault.
That time we need to manuallygo in and we're making an update
, right, so the default is goingto come up, that's okay.
It just means that we weren'tmaybe as mindful in that moment
as we could be in the nextmoment.
Yeah, that's such a good way ofseeing it.
I think mindfulness, too, is away to start to see the lighter
(29:19):
side and not take yourself soseriously, like recognizing that
you're a person with flaws andrecognizing that you're not
perfect.
You know, there's a lot of thatin mindfulness is that nobody's
perfect, nothing's perfect.
We don't have control overcertain things.
We don't have the ability tochange what we can't change.
We only can, you know, we canonly really respond and react
(29:42):
and and operate from a placewithin.
We can't control everything onthe outside in.
Michaela (29:53):
We can't control everything on the outside.
I wonder, you know, maybethat's a skill that might be
helpful to help people be ableto feel like they can let that
down.
And laugh is like, maybe, ifyou can't get into something,
maybe that is a sign that maybeyou need to do some mindfulness,
or you need to do somegrounding so that you can get
into the rest and digest andactivate that parasympathetic
(30:15):
nervous system so that maybe youcan laugh.
Laura (30:19):
Yeah, I think mindfulness is always a great place to
start, you know.
The next place, I think, is topractice and give yourself grace
.
Like, practice over and over.
Like try to find somethingfunny in every day.
Try to find something you know,a glimmer of hope or a glimmer
of brightness.
Like, even in the worstpossible situations, there's
(30:41):
always something that you canfind, whether it's a memory of
something else or you knowsomething like some funny video
or you know a playlist of thingsthat you've saved over time.
But like, you can always maybefind a moment in the day to
laugh or to smile and justpractice that as many times a
(31:01):
day as you can.
That's a good idea.
Michaela (31:08):
What else can you think of to help people continue
to, you know, see things in aless serious way.
Anything else you can think of?
Laura (31:18):
I was thinking about a strengths inventory, like making
a note of all the things thatyou find good about yourself,
like all the skills that youhave, all the like.
Take a strengths inventory, askills inventory things that
you're good at, things that makeyou feel good about yourself.
Because when we are takingourselves too seriously, a lot
of the time we'reovercompensating for our
(31:39):
confidence, Like we're, you know, afraid that people are going
to see our flaws, and that'sbecause our flaws are so
prominent in our mind that we'remaybe need to balance those out
with some strength.
Michaela (31:52):
That's a good idea.
I guess I hadn't really thoughtabout like this being a sign of
like low self-esteem, but yeah,that makes a lot of sense.
Like we're thinking all thesenegative things in our head all
the time and we are strugglingto balance out some of those
negative thoughts.
(32:12):
So trying to come up with likemore healthier, positive coping
skills or positive thinking, andmaybe even like identifying our
triggers and recognizing likewhat those negative thoughts are
, so that we can maybe have amantra that we, you know, use
every time that one thing comesup.
So, like you know, I, um, I'm a, I'm a good friend, or I, you
(32:36):
know, I'm doing my best, orwhatever.
Laura (32:41):
I love that.
I think challenging thosethoughts, having a positive
opposite, something that we canuse to balance out that
narrative and counter thatnarrative in our mind that you
know we're not doing good orthat people are going to see us
at their worst, like remindingyourself that you do have a best
and that you can be at yourbest and people can recognize
(33:03):
that, and that people aren'talways looking for flaws.
Sure yeah that's true.
Michaela (33:07):
I also, like you know, one of the things that you
talked about before is thatwould work here as well is
what's the worst thing thatcould happen right, playing that
, playing that.
What's the worst thing thatcould happen?
Like, if I go into this socialsetting and I let people see the
like goofy, funny side of me,like what's the worst thing that
(33:28):
could happen?
Laura (33:30):
I love that, the worst case scenario game.
It's one of my favorites.
I think that's a good one, youknow.
So we've got mindfulnesspractice, finding moments to
laugh, finding moments to smile,seeing just a glimmer every day
, making a list of all thethings that you're proud of, all
the things that you find thatyou're good at, the things that
(33:52):
make you feel good aboutyourself and that you feel
strong in, and then adding tothat list right, like, this
isn't static, this grows overtime, so it's going to get
longer and longer the more youdo it.
And then playing that worstcase scenario game, challenging
those negative thoughts with,like, well, that's not really
true, is it?
Because the worst case scenariois probably not that likely.
(34:12):
So I think those are all reallygood skills.
To not take yourself soseriously.
I love that.
Yeah, what a good place toleave it today.
Yeah, and so I reallyappreciate your insights and
your help on this not taking usso seriously and thank you for
(34:33):
listening to why Am I Like this?
If you like our show, pleaseleave us a rating and review on
your favorite podcast platform,follow the show and share it
with your friends.
This episode was written andproduced by me, Laura Wood and
Michaela Beaver.
Our theme song is Making EndsMeet by Thick as Thieves, and a
special thanks to BenavieriCounseling and Coaching and
(34:54):
Active Healing PsychiatricServices for sponsoring our show
.
Hello, Welcome to.
Why Am I Like this?
It's a podcast for those whodidn't get enough hugs as a
child.
I'm Laura Wood and I'm a traumatherapist.
Michaela (00:12):
And I'm Michaela Beaver.
I'm a psychiatric nursepractitioner.
Laura (00:17):
So, Michaela, why are we doing this podcast?
Michaela (00:21):
I am so glad you asked .
We want to help you understandyourself a bit better how the
things that you learned aboutyourself and the world and
childhood are still affectingyou today.
We want to figure out why arewe like this those?
Laura (00:34):
random things about ourselves that we might wonder
about.
Michaela (00:36):
Like why am I so jumpy ?
Why am I so anxious?
Why do I take everythingpersonally?
Why are my thoughts so negative?
Why do I feel like I have tofix everything all the time?
Laura (00:49):
Yes, and today we are talking about being serious
people.
Why are we so serious all thetime?
And we're going to try toanswer the following question
why can't I see the lighter sideof things?
Why is laughing good for me andhow to not take yourself so
seriously?
So let's get into it.
Why are we so serious?
Michaela (01:14):
Yeah, that's such a good question.
I think that, again, there'salways multiple reasons for why
we're like this.
Um, but I think of, I think ofperfectionism.
I think that if we can like,maintain this carefully curated
version of ourselves, thatpeople won't people won't see
(01:39):
our flaws.
Laura (01:42):
Yeah, like I don't want to be judged.
I don't want to be, you know,seen as imperfect or you know, I
want to be taken seriously, Iwant to be respected, I want to
be seen as like I'm not messinganything up ever.
Michaela (01:55):
Yeah, like maybe I'm, maybe I would think I'm not
smart enough, or people wouldthink I'm not smart if I made a
joke.
Laura (02:04):
Or I think fear and like hypervigilance can make us seem
really serious, like we're notpresent.
And so if we're constantlywalking around afraid of
somebody seeing us like mess up,and we're just like super
diligent about the way that webehave all the time, we can just
come off as really serious andlike stoic and like not really
(02:26):
can just come off as reallyserious and like stoic and like
not really we're not loose,we're not like going with the
flow, we're like sohypervigilant, trying to be a
certain way all the time.
Michaela (02:33):
Yeah, for sure.
Well, I think that you know, inour busy lives and we're always
trying to get ahead we arespending more and more time in
that fight or flight response,and so it can, you know, if we
do laugh and we do joke, thatactually helps to get us more
(02:53):
into that parasympatheticnervous system, you know, and
get us out of that fight orflight.
And so it can be really hard ifwe're, you know, trying to work
really hard at you, hard atdoing all these things, it can
be hard to let down that guardsometimes.
Laura (03:09):
Yeah, if I feel like I have to do everything right all
the time and I'm busy thinkingahead and planning for what's
next, what's the?
You know I could be vulnerable.
I could be seen, as you know,not doing something right or not
(03:31):
taking something seriously ornot paying enough attention or,
you know, somebody might judgeme in that way.
Michaela (03:38):
Well, and I think too, like, um, when we're with a
group of people that maybe wedon't trust completely, right,
it's hard to let that guard down.
And so where maybe we wouldnormally, you know, make a funny
joke or act a little bit silly,maybe we don't feel comfortable
enough to be vulnerable in thatsituation, and so we might
(04:00):
think that people are going tolaugh at us or they're not going
to like us if they see thatreal version of us.
Laura (04:06):
Yeah, and you know, when we are honest and genuine and
actually do show ourselves like,people tend to like us more.
That's the reality.
When we're like looking on thebright side or when we're, you
know, letting ourselves kind ofbe a little silly or be easier
to go through different things,be more flexible, we're actually
(04:30):
showing that we're human beingsand people appreciate that.
At least I think so.
I agree.
Michaela (04:38):
I think that it's our own internal experience of of
that and the fear of maybe thepast, right Like if we, you know
, were silly at one point andsomeone you know used it against
us or, you know, maybe somebodydidn't didn't like us for it.
Or we feel like people don'treally understand our funniness,
(04:59):
right Like we try to make jokesand, you know, maybe they don't
understand our humor, try tomake jokes and, you know, maybe
they don't understand our humor,and so we kind of learned that
it's not safe to let people seethat side of us and growing up,
like, what was the vibe in yourhouse, right?
Laura (05:13):
Like I always check in with people about what was
happening when they were kids.
Were they allowed to be silly?
Was silliness something thatwas appreciated in their house,
or was silliness something thatwas, like, frowned upon?
You know, sometimes adults likeI can relate to this.
As an adult, like I have a hard.
I used to have a hard time likeplaying pretend with my kids.
(05:35):
Like there's not really tea inthat cup, like I'm not drinking
anything, there's nothing there.
It's hard for me to playpretend so like.
So I could understand howadults maybe stifle silliness in
children and kind of say, likedon't act like that, like you're
acting childish, right, whenyou think about being silly and
(05:59):
think about making jokes orsometimes humor is assigned this
label of childish andimmaturity and so people don't
want to be seen that way.
As an adult, they think thatadults are supposed to be
serious all the time.
Michaela (06:17):
Yeah Well, it's so funny, like you're talking about
childhood.
So my brother is so funny.
I think he is he.
He just he's very witty.
Like he comes back with theselike very like perfectly timed
witty remarks and everybodylaughs and it's hilarious.
But I tend to be like super,super serious, like I'm not
(06:39):
quick with those things, and sowe grew up in the same exact
household.
I just think that we, you know,somewhere along the way, is he
picked up, or he's always beenreally good at just like coming
up with those things.
Laura (06:52):
Yeah, and it has to be at least a place that was safe, to
be fun and funny, Right?
So in your household it soundslike it was okay to make jokes.
Sometimes it was okay to laughat, you know, things that are
silly or funny, or you know whenI think about when we make
mistakes, or you know it's okayto laugh it off, it's okay to be
(07:13):
like, oh, I can't believe.
I just did that silly thing.
Like my son just texted me todayabout something that was.
He was like asked me a questionbut he wasn't thinking it
through and so he kind ofalready knew the answer.
So once he asked me thequestion, he says I swear I'm
not a failure.
He was like just kidding, Iknow the answer, I figured it
out Like don't worry, Cause itwas something so common sense
(07:35):
that he should have just known.
And so he made a joke about itand I I replied back, you know,
LOL, and it was.
I laughed out loud when I sawthe text, and so it's okay to
make a mistake, it's okay to besilly, it's okay to be funny.
That's the environment that I'mtrying to create, and it sounds
like that's the environmentthat you had when you were
growing up.
Michaela (07:55):
Yeah, definitely, I think that was definitely the
case.
Um, so why do you think thatlaughter can be good for us?
Laura (08:08):
Laughter is contagious.
It lightens the mood, itreleases doesn't smiling in
general like release, like happyhormones and like having just a
like having a good laugh hastherapeutic benefits.
Like it actually can likeremind us and put us in a place
(08:29):
where we feel safe and we feelcomfortable and we feel okay and
things can be.
Things can be okay again aftera really hard time, like when
we're all you know, when we'rereminiscing about somebody that
we've lost and we think aboutthe funny moments with them.
Like it feels lighter, it feelsbetter, it just it releases
feelings of wellbeing, ofwellness and of of safety and
(08:52):
connection, and so I think it'sa really positive thing to be
able to laugh.
Michaela (08:57):
Yeah, I, I think it also.
You know, you think about likethe oxygen exchange that's
happening when you're laughingreally hard, and so you're you
think about like the oxygenexchange happening when you're
laughing really hard, and soyou're you're getting an
increase in oxygen to your, yourmuscles, to your heart, to your
lungs, and you know you're,you're getting that boost of
(09:20):
endorphins and I think that likethere is even some level of
like decrease in inflammationthat can happen when we laugh,
and so there's really goodpositive physical benefits that
happen when we laugh and canreduce pain even.
Laura (09:38):
Yeah, you know, when we laugh so hard that we cry right
Like why is that happening?
We're because ourparasympathetic nervous system,
like you mentioned earlier, it'sreally activating.
So our parasympathetic nervoussystem counteracts that
sympathetic activation of youknow, fear and danger and you
know the overstimulation of youknow, when we're hypervigilant,
(10:02):
that kind of thing.
So our sympathetic nervoussystem activates when we're in
danger and then when oursympathetic nervous system is
active, it makes it kind of hardto be easy and calm.
But our parasympathetic nervoussystem comes in to balance that
out.
So when we're laughing andwe're getting that release and
our parasympathetic nervoussystem comes in to balance that
out.
So when we're laughing andwe're getting that release and
our parasympathetic nervoussystem is coming online, it's
(10:24):
really counteracting all of that.
Those symptoms of overthinkingor the symptoms of fear, the
symptoms of worry, the symptomsof anxiety and even depression
can be alleviated evendepression are can be alleviated
.
Michaela (10:42):
Yeah, that's such a good point.
I think that you know we talk alot about different like
grounding skills and breathingskills and stuff like that to
help activate theparasympathetic nervous system.
But you could just laugh.
You could just laugh Somethingthat's hilarious, like a funny
cat video.
My kids are obsessed with likewanting to go on YouTube and
watch funny cat videos and theyjust laugh.
(11:03):
Sometimes when I don't wantthem to watch TV they've had
enough TV time We'll literallyjust pretend that we're watching
funny cat videos and we'll likemake up stories of the funny
things that the cats are doing,just because they think it's
hilarious.
That's great.
Laura (11:18):
I love that strategy.
We can remember and even justthinking about it is kind of
making us laugh.
Right, when we see other peoplelaughing, we start laughing.
It's almost impossible toresist.
You know, when we're watchingfunny videos and it's just like
a quick thing, it just puts ourputs us in a place that's
(11:40):
outside of our own mind, it'soutside of our own distress.
It's such a good distraction.
I use that as a copingmechanism with my clients.
Often I'll say, like think ofthe funniest video that you've
ever seen.
Or like watch funny videos.
Or you know, like star them,put them in a folder or
something like that, so they'relike in a playlist, so that you
(12:02):
can pull them up whenever youneed them.
And those things will beavailable to you at any time and
you can use them to getyourself out of a stuck mood.
Michaela (12:12):
Yeah, that's a really good piece of advice and I think
that that's something that youcould easily go to if you're
needing like, if you're needinga distraction.
But I know that, like, somethings are not always funny for
everybody, right.
So, you know, sometimes we, youknow, have a hard time getting
(12:34):
behind things and I think, forme, like just certain comedians
or certain like shows, I'm likeI just don't understand that
humor, like it doesn't makesense in my brain.
Laura (12:48):
I totally get that, because I hate adult cartoons so
, like all cartoons made foradults, hate them.
I don't think they're funny, Idon't like them, it doesn't make
me feel good.
I just I don't know why I havethis aversion to them, but there
are so many people who thinkeverything, like all of those
cartoons are so funny Like theSimpsons, people love the
(13:09):
symptoms, it's like a wholething and I'm just like it's
just not my deal.
I can't get there, but that'sokay.
I can find other things that Ithink are funny.
You know there are a lot ofcomedians that I enjoy, that I
think are great and that I thinkare hilarious and I could sit
and watch and laugh for days.
You know videos I love watchingvideos of like babies and
(13:31):
animals together and like doingsilly things, or like babies,
like walking around, Cause likebabies are so silly, they just
are like they don't.
They're just wobbly and and andcurious and it's I think it's
really funny.
So I like to watch that kind ofthing.
Sometimes just smiling even ifit's not a laughter, just
(13:52):
smiling, can be enough to getyou into a little bit better of
a place so that you can findcertain things funny I can think
about when sometimes if I'm ina really bad mood, I don't want
to laugh.
I like actively am like I don'twant to laugh, I don't want to
think that's funny, Like cause Iwant to just brood and be mad
(14:12):
and like be unhappy and begrumpy right now, Um is that why
people always go?
Michaela (14:19):
don't laugh.
Laura (14:25):
Yes, and it's so annoying , right, but it works.
Like you have to be okay withwhat works and we have to be
accountable to our own self andlike recognize that being in a
broody, sad, grumpy mood is okay, but it's not necessary and so
we can make a change and get outof that.
And you know, we don't have tosit and like just be miserable
(14:50):
because something miserable ishappening.
It doesn't discredit ordisrespect the bad thing that's
happening.
If you change your mood andchange your mindset, disrespect
the bad thing that's happeningif you change your mood and
change your mindset.
Michaela (15:00):
Sure, I know, if you want to laugh, you should play
the game telestrations.
Okay, I've never played it.
Okay.
So it's like telephone, right,but it's only like.
But it's like you draw picturesand then, like, somebody else
will write the word and then thenext person draws the pictures
and, as you can imagine, ifpeople are not great at drawing
(15:20):
or spelling in our family,apparently it is the most
hilarious thing and you laugh sohard and you get social
connection when you do thosekinds of things.
So like trying to find somekind of game or thing that is
hilarious, like catchphrasesometimes, like that can be
really funny.
So you find things like that.
You can actually improve yoursocial connection with people
(15:43):
and laugh at the same time andlet the stress of the week, you
know, just relax off of you andyou can feel a whole lot
brighter just from doing some ofthose things.
Laura (15:56):
Laughing together and smiling together actually
increases your oxytocin bondinghormone too.
So, like as a family, you'reexperiencing that bond together
and it's co-regulating.
It's very much a communityevent, a social engagement event
to be able to release and relaxwith people that you love and
(16:20):
that you're connected to.
Just like fosters that bond.
It makes it so much strongerand what wires together fires
together.
So when you are laughing andhaving a great time and then you
remember that thing, like, doyou ever just laugh out of
nowhere because of a memory?
Oh for sure, I do it all thetime like I'll think of
something and I'll just startlaughing and then I'm like, why
(16:43):
like?
And then somebody might be like, why are you laughing?
And then it's because I'mremembering something that was
funny.
Michaela (16:55):
It's not even something funny right now.
It can be hard to you know.
Let go of that control that wefeel like we need or that we
have.
You know it's out.
Try.
Try one of these suggestionsand see what happens.
See if you can let laughterfind something that you find
(17:24):
funny, cause what's funny to usmay not be funny to you.
But you know, if you can findthat thing that makes you laugh,
you might feel like you can getout of that stuck place
Absolutely.
Laura (17:36):
And, you know, another reason why people maybe take
themselves seriously is thatcontrol that you mentioned and
the sense of.
I think a sense of likeresentment can come up from
people who are taking that orlike who are like super serious.
I think they can resent peoplewho are not serious and who,
(18:00):
like, make jokes about thingsbecause it makes them feel like
no one's hearing them, likemakes them feel misunderstood,
and so that's like, I think,sometimes why people get mad
when people make jokes out ofthings that are like serious
topics.
You know, sometimes thathappens where we try to make
light of things that are likeserious topics.
You know, sometimes thathappens where we try to make
light of something that's notlight and you know it upsets
(18:23):
people and offends them.
Um, because it's like you'renot understanding me and my pain
, right.
Michaela (18:32):
Well, and I think too, you're just like you said
earlier, like you, you're,you're in that mood and you're
so overwhelmed with everything.
And then someone, just like yousaid earlier, like you, you're,
you're in that mood and you'reso overwhelmed with everything,
and then someone just like sayssomething funny and it's like
you never take, like they justnever take anything seriously,
Like you know, and it justreally can be bothersome.
I mean, I feel like, um, I'mway more serious and my husband
(18:55):
is just like kind of a jokingfunny guy and sometimes he can
do that, and it's like, oh, Ijust can't with you right now.
I'm like you just don'tunderstand, this is not funny.
Laura (19:07):
Yeah, it can feel like a misattunement when we're being
serious.
I think that there's like amillion reasons why this can
happen.
But sometimes, when we've been,when we've been hurt before and
we have this deep pain inourselves that that doesn't get
to the surface or that hasn'tbeen worked out, you know, that
(19:29):
pain can kind of tell us likethe world is not an okay place.
Nothing is funny, nothing isgood, everything has to be
serious, everything has to be.
You know, I have to just workreally hard.
I'm I'm, you know everything ishard for me.
I'm just, you know I'm nevergonna get a catch a break, like
I can't catch a break, likethose kinds of thoughts can come
(19:49):
to mind when we're in a seriousplace, when we're feeling like,
when we're a person who isreally struggling with
depression or struggling with,you know just life circumstances
that are out of their control.
I think those negative thoughtscan make it hard to see the
bright side.
That can.
(20:10):
They can make it hard to relief, like to release that, that
feeling and just let go andlaugh and experience joy.
Michaela (20:22):
Well, I think that you really hit hit that one right
on.
So you said that they're tryingto control things Basically.
You're trying to control thingsBasically.
You're trying to control thingsthat are outside of your
control, Right Time, you know,and that can make us feel like
everything is really serious,Like we're going to take
everything really serious inthat because it's, because it
(20:44):
feels so, out of our control andoverwhelming.
Laura (20:48):
And if we've been hurt or if we've experienced trauma, or
if we've experienced trauma orif we've experienced danger, we
might believe like, hey, this isserious, everything is serious,
right, because if we don't takeit seriously, we could get hurt
, we could be in danger, wecould.
You know that hypervigilanceagain, that nervous, that
sympathetic nervous system,activation of the fight or
flight mechanism, that is likereally running our, our
(21:10):
strategies all the time.
Michaela (21:13):
Well, and what I think is really interesting is is
that people with that highfunctioning anxiety, they're in
this state all the time and itfeels really normal.
It doesn't feel like they'relike you're anxious or like
you're really worried aboutsomething, but you are, and so
it's just become your new normaland you might.
(21:38):
The thing you might notice isthat it is hard for you to laugh
or or or take things.
You know, lighter or, you know,laugh things off or whatever,
and so everything feels reallyhard.
Laura (21:46):
Mm-hmm hard and it feels really heavy and it feels really
alone and isolating, which iswhy laughter is the antidote to
that in a lot of ways, right,because of that social
engagement and because of theconnection that comes from
laughing and you know I alwayssay that we have to have a
(22:06):
connection with ourself and sosometimes just like watching
something funny, even if we'realone, and laughing and
experiencing joy by ourselves,like in a safe space where we
don't have to feel vulnerable,can be a good way to start, like
healing.
It can be a good way to startnot taking yourself so seriously
.
Michaela (22:24):
Yeah, um, the other thing that I had thought about
here was like, um, you know,specifically surrounding like
kids is like us as adults takingeverything seriously that they
do, because, um, the outcome, ifwe don't, is that they're going
(22:48):
to be a terrible human being,they're going to be a delinquent
, they're going to never besuccessful, and so we need to
teach these lessons so that theycan be good human beings.
Laura (23:02):
That makes so much sense.
If, as a kid, I was taught thateverything has to be taken
super seriously, otherwisesomething really bad will happen
, I am thinking that I wouldn'thave, you know, the freedom or
the safety to be silly or tolaugh things off or to see the
(23:25):
humor in something even as likea coping mechanism.
Right, because I think a lot ofpeople use humor as a coping
mechanism, which can be to anunhealthy degree.
We can all coping mechanismscan be used to an unhealthy
degree.
But when we don't overuse itand we're just using it to say
to kind of see things in an okayspace and like take, like see
(23:46):
the light, the lighter side ofthings, like that can be really
effective and helpful.
But if my whole life I've beentaught that like life is serious
, everything is serious, like wehave to be serious all the time
, you know that would probablyprevent me from from believing
that things can be funny as anadult an adult.
Michaela (24:07):
Well, and I think that , as a parent, if something you
know, you know spilled water,you know it doesn't have to be
the end of the world and we canmake jokes out of even hard
things and we can teach lessonseven through humor.
You know I I talk to kids about.
(24:27):
You know when they're beingbullied like, can you make a
joke out of what they're doing?
Right, because we, we don'thave to take everything
seriously.
And if we do in certain moments, then if we can flip it into
being something funny, then thattakes the power away from
certain situations or it makesit so that you can teach a
lesson and the kid doesn't haveto feel, you know, as
(24:49):
overwhelmed with guilt and shamein that moment.
And so not everything has to belike, not every like
consequence or every lesson thatwe teach has to be a negative
one.
Laura (25:02):
Yeah, I agree with that.
I think that's really important.
As we're interacting with ourkids or with young people or
with anyone right, Like whenwe're offering correction, we
need to be coming from like awith the heart of a teacher,
with a like with a, as alighthearted sort of like hey,
that happened, Whoopsie daisy,and this is okay.
(25:23):
You know, instead of comingdown on somebody like you should
have known, or you did thismessed up, and you know, that's
really stifling instead ofuplifting.
Michaela (25:34):
Yeah, well, I think that one of the things that's
really hard as a parent and Istruggle with this too is like
our expectations of our kidsgrow and grow and grow, and
sometimes our expectations growoutside of the what is actually
normal for a kid of that age,and so once they've shown that
they can do something, and theycan do it, well, that doesn't
(25:57):
mean that they're proficient atit, doesn't mean that they're
always going to be able to dothat, doesn't mean they're going
to not forget sometimes, and soyou know.
But the expectation is oh, youdid it, and now I know you can
do it.
Laura (26:16):
And so, therefore, you should always be able to do it,
and I don't know what justhappened here.
Yeah, we call that theexpectation gap is the gap
between what we expect is andwhat's actually possible, right,
like, like you said, justbecause we can demonstrate
proficiency in a moment doesn'tmean we can demonstrate it
consistently without support andreminder.
Like we still need thosetraining wheels.
Like, even when you havetraining wheels on your bike,
there's a time because thetraining wheels don't fully,
(26:36):
they're not as deep as theactual wheel, so there are
moments where you can ride yourbike and balance, even with
those training wheels on.
That doesn't mean you canconsistently do it.
It's just practice, it'sgetting started.
You still need support and youstill need those that backup.
It's like bumpers and bowling.
Like, even if you don't hit thebumpers, you know every single
(27:00):
time if, if six out of 10 timesyou do hit them, like that,
those four times demonstratethat you're practicing and that
you're getting better, but thatyou're not yet fully
consistently able to do it everytime.
Michaela (27:11):
Oh, I love that.
That's such a good analogy.
So, yeah, I mean, I think thatthat's a huge thing and I think
it can be really hard, becausewe so desperately are ready for
things to get easier.
Parenting is so hard andrelationships in general are
just really challenging.
You know, and I think that youknow, when we can see glimmers
(27:36):
of hope, we want, we really wantthat to stay.
We don't want to go backwards.
Laura (27:42):
No, we don't want to go backwards.
But it's important to know too,when I think about my clients
and I think they say things likea setback or whatever we're
never going back, we're nevergoing backwards.
Just because on the fifth timeI hit those bumpers doesn't mean
that on the sixth time I won'tlike or I can't like, I can't do
(28:04):
it without it, like we'removing forward all the time.
There is no such thing as goingbackwards, there is no such
thing as back at square one.
We're always learning andgrowing and moving forward, and
so that's true with ourselves,that's true with our
relationships.
Like you know, even if you guysare working on something, like
in an adult relationship, forexample, if we're working on
(28:24):
something and you know thatperson doesn't, doesn't do the
thing that you've been saying isgoing to happen that next time,
that doesn't mean you're backat square one.
It just means that one time itdidn't happen, but the next time
it can.
And so every new opportunity isan opportunity to sort of
revert back to our defaultmechanism of taking ourselves
(28:52):
seriously.
Like it's okay that we use thatdefault.
That time we need to manuallygo in and we're making an update
, right, so the default is goingto come up, that's okay.
It just means that we weren'tmaybe as mindful in that moment
as we could be in the nextmoment.
Yeah, that's such a good way ofseeing it.
I think mindfulness, too, is away to start to see the lighter
(29:19):
side and not take yourself soseriously, like recognizing that
you're a person with flaws andrecognizing that you're not
perfect.
You know, there's a lot of thatin mindfulness is that nobody's
perfect, nothing's perfect.
We don't have control overcertain things.
We don't have the ability tochange what we can't change.
We only can, you know, we canonly really respond and react
(29:42):
and and operate from a placewithin.
We can't control everything onthe outside in.
Michaela (29:53):
We can't control everything on the outside.
I wonder, you know, maybethat's a skill that might be
helpful to help people be ableto feel like they can let that
down.
And laugh is like, maybe, ifyou can't get into something,
maybe that is a sign that maybeyou need to do some mindfulness,
or you need to do somegrounding so that you can get
into the rest and digest andactivate that parasympathetic
(30:15):
nervous system so that maybe youcan laugh.
Laura (30:19):
Yeah, I think mindfulness is always a great place to
start, you know.
The next place, I think, is topractice and give yourself grace
.
Like, practice over and over.
Like try to find somethingfunny in every day.
Try to find something you know,a glimmer of hope or a glimmer
of brightness.
Like, even in the worstpossible situations, there's
(30:41):
always something that you canfind, whether it's a memory of
something else or you knowsomething like some funny video
or you know a playlist of thingsthat you've saved over time.
But like, you can always maybefind a moment in the day to
laugh or to smile and justpractice that as many times a
(31:01):
day as you can.
That's a good idea.
Michaela (31:08):
What else can you think of to help people continue
to, you know, see things in aless serious way.
Anything else you can think of?
Laura (31:18):
I was thinking about a strengths inventory, like making
a note of all the things thatyou find good about yourself,
like all the skills that youhave, all the like.
Take a strengths inventory, askills inventory things that
you're good at, things that makeyou feel good about yourself.
Because when we are takingourselves too seriously, a lot
of the time we'reovercompensating for our
(31:39):
confidence, Like we're, you know, afraid that people are going
to see our flaws, and that'sbecause our flaws are so
prominent in our mind that we'remaybe need to balance those out
with some strength.
Michaela (31:52):
That's a good idea.
I guess I hadn't really thoughtabout like this being a sign of
like low self-esteem, but yeah,that makes a lot of sense.
Like we're thinking all thesenegative things in our head all
the time and we are strugglingto balance out some of those
negative thoughts.
(32:12):
So trying to come up with likemore healthier, positive coping
skills or positive thinking, andmaybe even like identifying our
triggers and recognizing likewhat those negative thoughts are
, so that we can maybe have amantra that we, you know, use
every time that one thing comesup.
So, like you know, I, um, I'm a, I'm a good friend, or I, you
(32:36):
know, I'm doing my best, orwhatever.
Laura (32:41):
I love that.
I think challenging thosethoughts, having a positive
opposite, something that we canuse to balance out that
narrative and counter thatnarrative in our mind that you
know we're not doing good orthat people are going to see us
at their worst, like remindingyourself that you do have a best
and that you can be at yourbest and people can recognize
(33:03):
that, and that people aren'talways looking for flaws.
Sure yeah that's true.
Michaela (33:07):
I also, like you know, one of the things that you
talked about before is thatwould work here as well is
what's the worst thing thatcould happen right, playing that
, playing that.
What's the worst thing thatcould happen?
Like, if I go into this socialsetting and I let people see the
like goofy, funny side of me,like what's the worst thing that
(33:28):
could happen?
Laura (33:30):
I love that, the worst case scenario game.
It's one of my favorites.
I think that's a good one, youknow.
So we've got mindfulnesspractice, finding moments to
laugh, finding moments to smile,seeing just a glimmer every day
, making a list of all thethings that you're proud of, all
the things that you find thatyou're good at, the things that
(33:52):
make you feel good aboutyourself and that you feel
strong in, and then adding tothat list right, like, this
isn't static, this grows overtime, so it's going to get
longer and longer the more youdo it.
And then playing that worstcase scenario game, challenging
those negative thoughts with,like, well, that's not really
true, is it?
Because the worst case scenariois probably not that likely.
(34:12):
So I think those are all reallygood skills.
To not take yourself soseriously.
I love that.
Yeah, what a good place toleave it today.
Yeah, and so I reallyappreciate your insights and
your help on this not taking usso seriously and thank you for
(34:33):
listening to why Am I Like this?
If you like our show, pleaseleave us a rating and review on
your favorite podcast platform,follow the show and share it
with your friends.
This episode was written andproduced by me, Laura Wood and
Michaela Beaver.
Our theme song is Making EndsMeet by Thick as Thieves, and a
special thanks to BenavieriCounseling and Coaching and
(34:54):
Active Healing PsychiatricServices for sponsoring our show
.
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