November 25, 2024 • 38 mins
Have you ever wondered why your brain seems wired to focus on the negative? Join us as we unravel the secrets of negativity bias, an ancient survival mechanism that shapes our thoughts and perspectives. Hosts Laura Wood, a trauma therapist, and Michaela Beaver, a psychiatric nurse practitioner, engage in a heartfelt discussion about how past hardships can leave a lingering shadow on our mindset. Drawing from personal stories and professional insights, we explore the impact of depression and hopelessness on negative thinking patterns and highlight the transformative power of hope and gratitude as tools for a positive shift.
Maintaining positivity isn't always easy, especially when negativity feels like a natural inclination. We delve into the effort required to shift one's mindset and the pivotal role therapy can play in this transformation. From the common practice of negative commiseration in social settings to understanding the brain's survival-driven focus on negativity, we uncover the complexities behind these thought patterns. Together, we examine how childhood reinforcement and evolutionary predispositions contribute to our tendency toward negativity, offering strategies for overcoming these barriers, particularly for those grappling with depression.
Explore the paradox of how negativity can feel productive, tracing this perception back to childhood and ancestral roots. We discuss cognitive behavioral strategies and the importance of affirmations and mantras in building inner strength and reshaping our outlook. By embracing positive self-talk and envisioning the best version of ourselves, we foster resilience and success in challenging situations. With encouragement to harness these practices, we invite you to engage with our content, share it with friends, and embark on a journey toward a more optimistic mindset.
Laura's Free Course on Emotional Development and Regulation:
https://benavieri.com/neuroception-sign-up/
This show is sponsored by:
Core Self
Benavieri Counseling & Coaching
www.benavieri.com
Active Healing Psychiatric Services
www.activehealingpsych.com
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Laura Wood (00:04):
Hello and welcome to .
Why Am I Like this, the podcast?
Who didn't get enough hugs as achild?
I am Laura Wood and I'm atrauma therapist.
Michaela Beaver (00:14):
And I'm Mashaela Beaver.
I'm a psychiatric nursepractitioner.
Laura Wood (00:18):
So, M, why are we doing this podcast?
Michaela Beaver (00:22):
I'm so glad that you asked.
We want to help you understandyourself a bit better, how the
things you learned aboutyourself and the world and
childhood are still affectingyou today.
We want to figure out why arewe like this, those random
things about ourselves we mightwonder about, like why am I so
jumpy?
Why am I so anxious?
Why do we take everythingpersonally?
(00:43):
Why are my thoughts so negative?
Why do I feel like I have tofix everything all?
Laura Wood (00:48):
the time?
Yes, and we are talking aboutour attitudes today, and we're
going to try to answer thefollowing questions why are my
thoughts so negative?
What is the negativity bias andhow do I start looking on the
bright side?
So let's get into it.
Why are we so negative?
What's going?
Michaela Beaver (01:07):
on.
Man, this is a hard one becauseI think I'm an optimist.
Like I'm optimistic, like Ithink, uh, I don't know, my
brain just does not work thatway.
Yes, I see the negatives, yes,I know that there's like things
that can happen, but ultimatelyI'm always like hey, I got this
right, like we're going to getthrough this, and I think of all
the like ways that I can likecounteract those negative
(01:31):
thoughts.
So, um, yeah, I don't know,like why are people having
struggles with these negativethoughts and unable to like move
their brains?
Laura Wood (01:43):
I think so.
It's funny.
I've actually been told I'mvery negative, but I don't see
that in myself.
I think maybe that's like anold version of me where in the
past I know that I've beensomebody who is just kind of on
the downside of things, likelooking at the not right side,
always thinking what's the nextthing that's going to happen.
(02:05):
Everything is bad.
Everything bad happens to meLike I can't catch a break, just
like that feeling of likedredging through, like I used to
say, like just clawing my waythrough every second of every
day, like trying to make it andtrying to get out of this like
hole that I'm always in, like Iused to feel that way, um, and
so I think I had like a reallybad attitude at that time.
(02:26):
And I think a lot, there's a lotto be said for changing the way
that you think so that you canchange the way you feel.
Like you can't change yourimmediate reaction, like your
first thought, you can't changethat, you can't control that.
That's going to happen, but youdon't have to go with that.
So I always think the mainreason why we're so negative is
(02:49):
and I think there's plenty ofother reasons too, but for me.
It's that negativity bias andit's a survival skill.
So if you are constantlylooking for the negative thing,
like then, you won't getblindsided by it.
You're always going to be ableto be prepared for the worst
(03:09):
thing that could happen, theworst case scenario.
It's a survival skill for thosewho have been through really
negative experiences, like overand over and over.
It's just this validating thingthat keeps happening.
That keeps happening, and sothey start to skew the way that
they see the world into thisnegativity lens that, basically,
(03:29):
is designed to keep you alivein a weird way.
Michaela Beaver (03:32):
Yeah, that's so interesting.
So I have gone through severalhard things and I don't know,
like through that, I've alwaysjust been like pick yourself up,
keep going.
What are my options?
Look at the next thing, right.
And I know several people thathave gone through really hard
(03:54):
things and they also have that.
Like you know it's they canstill.
They don't lose their hope inthings.
Do you think it has somethingto do with, just like that,
being able to have hope?
You know cause?
Some of depression is likehopelessness and not being able
to see your way out of it.
Do you think it has somethingto do with that?
Laura Wood (04:15):
Yeah, I do.
I think, um, depression has abig part of this.
Like, I think, if we'rethinking, if we're hopeless all
the time, if we're feeling likethere is no way out, if we're
feeling like there's nothing wecan do, if we're feeling like,
you know, everything we trydoesn't work, I see that a lot,
like well, I tried this, I can'tdo this, I can't do this, I
(04:36):
can't do this, and so I can't, Ican't, I can't, is going to
turn into I won't, I won't, Iwon't, and then I just am
constantly like reinforcing myhopelessness.
Right, and so I think havinghope is a good antidote and a
good solution.
That's why they say a gratitudejournal is so helpful and
(04:57):
important, like a practice.
I said journal specifically.
That's an, that's a technique,but a gratitude practice in
general is something that canchange our entire mood, like we
can feel better on a regularbasis because we're training our
thoughts to go from thatnegativity bias to this
positivity bias, like agratitude practice builds a bias
(05:21):
on the other side.
Michaela Beaver (05:23):
Yeah, that makes a lot of sense.
So our positive you know, youalways hear people say like it
takes 10 positives to discountone negative, right?
So those negative things arejust really sticky.
They stick to us and thepositive things we just like
minimize them, right, likethat's a cognitive distortion
minimizing and maximizing, right, we minimize the good and we
maximize the bad things and ourbrain tends to want to stick to
(05:46):
those things.
While you were talking, I wasalso wondering if you know if it
I believe it's probablysomething tied to childhood as
well right, why we're sonegative, right?
So if we have one person whogot a lot of positive
reinforcement in childhood, youknow, hey, you got this, you can
(06:06):
do this, you're, you knowyou're, you're stronger than you
think, right, like you get alot of positive reinforcement,
then you are going to beinherently more likely to
believe that you can be okay.
Whereas if you have another kid, even from the same family
sometimes, where you know thethere was a lot of butting of
(06:28):
heads, they were, you know, morelikely to get in trouble.
They were constantly being toldstop that, don't do that, don't
touch that.
You're never going to get it.
Why can't you just listen?
Maybe that's it that person'sup that person up for maybe
having more likely being on thatnegativity bias versus the
positivity bias.
Laura Wood (06:50):
I think that's right .
I think the way that we'retrained in childhood to look at
the world it shapes ourworldview right.
So if I'm constantly gettingreinforced that I'm bad and that
I'm doing something wrong andthat nothing good is happening
and I'm not doing good enough,I'm already sort of seeing the
world from this negative lens,like I'm not somebody who is
(07:11):
going to have the option tothink positively because I never
learned it.
You know, when kids are exposedto chronic toxic stress and
like chronic negativity, they'regoing to embody that later on.
There's obviously someexceptions, right, like you have
, people who come out of really,really horrible circumstances
(07:33):
with like grit and resilience.
But I also think sometimes thathas a lot to do with at least
one role model.
If we have at least one rolemodel from any perspective that
is telling us or showing us apositive way forward, we can
leech onto that and we canfollow that and we can really
say, okay, that's possible.
(07:54):
If it's possible for them, it'spossible for me.
We can internalize thosemessages and we can make that
our reality.
But I also think it'stemperament.
So I think we're born with apositive or a negative sort of
view on the world, like I thinkwe have, like some people are
born with this the glasses halffull kind of perspective and
that can change over time.
(08:15):
Like I think that can betrained out of somebody.
It can be broken down.
Anybody can be broken down.
It can be trained out ofsomebody, but it can also be
trained into somebody.
Like I think, depending on whoyou ask, you might get a
different perspective.
Like somebody might say aboutme specifically, depending on
who you ask, you might havesomebody say oh well, that
person's really negative or thatperson's really positive,
(08:37):
depending on, like, thesituation that I'm in, and so
like, depending on therelationship that I have with
them.
So that's kind of what I mean.
Like we're born with like alittle bit of something and then
we train into the positivenessor we train into the
negativeness.
Like for me, I think I don'tknow for sure, but I think I'm
(08:59):
kind of a glass that's halfempty, maybe, and then I'm
trained into a glass that's halfempty maybe, and then I'm
trained into a glass that's halffull.
That's why, like in somerelationships, depending on my
situation, you might feel me assomebody who's negative, like
somebody who's always kind ofdown or whatever, but then in
like my work, life or my um, youknow, when I'm trying to raise
(09:21):
my kids or I'm trying to pushforward, like I'm always trying
to say like it's, there's alwayssome it's possible, right, I
there's no no, for me it'salways possible.
Michaela Beaver (09:32):
Yeah, do you think that because you were kind
of like that um half emptytrain to be half full?
Do you think that it it stilltakes more energy for you to
kind of flip that mindset,depending on the day?
Laura Wood (09:47):
I do think that's true.
Yeah, I've never really thoughtabout it like that, but when
you put it that way, I thinkthat makes a lot of sense.
Like it takes and I hear thisfrom clients it takes a lot of
energy to like reground yourselfin the opposite state that
you're sort of used to being in.
So like if my baseline, mybaseline, is like down here and
(10:12):
then I'm constantly trying toand this is an audio medium, so
you can't see me but if mybaseline is like, let's say,
like a one or a two right, andthen I'm trying to sort of
perform at a five or a six allthe time, that balance takes
work, it takes effort and ittakes energy to get there.
(10:33):
One thing that helped me istherapy.
I know we talk about therapy inevery single episode, but
therapy helped me retrain mybaseline.
So I think my baseline ishigher than it used to be.
I think it used to be down at aone or two.
Now maybe my baseline isalready kind of like a four or a
(10:53):
five and I'm trying to performat like a five or six.
You know what I mean.
So it gets.
I'm a little bit closer towhere that is and so it's more
natural for me now to default towhen I have that negative
thought.
You know the initial negativethought of like oh, this is such
a disaster, like why can'tanything work out.
I can easily flip that thoughtinto okay, what do I need to do?
(11:17):
How do I move forward?
How do I change this?
Like, how do I get out of thissituation?
Michaela Beaver (11:27):
this Like how do I get out of this situation?
Sure, yeah, that makes sense.
So this makes me think aboutlike a time where I was in a
situation with a group of peoplethat there was a lot of
negative things going on at thewe're in the work environment
and we kind of came together anddid a lot of commiserating,
like we were just kind of likethis is so terrible, how are we
going to get out of this?
(11:47):
Whatever, and like I think thatI was driven to the social
connection piece of it.
But after I left it I felt soicky, like, so gross, like that
negative, that negativity, likeit didn't feel good, it felt so,
I don't know, opposite of how Iwanted to feel or how I wanted
(12:07):
to view things.
Like I wanted to be, like I gotthis, I'm going to move forward
, here's my plan.
But like, for some reason, Istill find myself drawn to
people, even when it's like thatnegative, like drama, whatever,
like.
And also I think it's because Iwant to solve a problem.
Like I want to be there, I wantto help you, like let's figure
this out together, you know,kind of thing.
Laura Wood (12:29):
Well, yeah, I mean, it sounds like the problem that
you had, the reason why it feltso icky, is because the other
people maybe didn't want tosolve the problem.
Like sometimes misery lovescompany and we just want to
commiserate in like the crappystuff.
And sometimes, you know, I talkto parents about this.
Sometimes when kids have a badday, or when kids come home
(12:51):
complaining about their teachersin school or complaining about
their friends in school, likesometimes we just need somebody
to co-sign on our rage.
Like I need somebody to say,yeah, that's the worst, right.
Like I need somebody tovalidate that and then I can
pick myself up and move myselfthrough it.
And I think people have thatcapacity.
But if we're not gettingvalidated, then we don't have
(13:13):
the ability to move forward.
And then there's also somepeople who are just they're kind
of stuck in the negativity anddon't see a way out.
And so if you're in anenvironment where you've got a
whole bunch of people who don'tsee a way out, and then you are
like, yeah, I can validate thatthis is terrible and I can
commiserate, but then I want totake that next step and nobody
(13:34):
else is taking that next stepwith you, that could feel really
icky.
Michaela Beaver (13:39):
Yeah for sure, so so.
So when we are stuck in this,you know this makes me think of,
like you know, the brain andthe way that it works.
You know I think aboutdifferent parts of the brain
that might keep us stuck.
You know I think about, like,people that come to see me for
(14:00):
depression, for example, and youknow we try to manage their
symptoms of depression, maybetake the edge off with a
medication or a supplement orsomething you know like that.
But when we are stuck in thesenegative thoughts, I don't
really I don't see medicinemoving that needle.
(14:21):
You know I don't see that ithelps.
And so we talk a lot about, youknow, trying to change our
thoughts and try to look atthings from different
perspectives.
But some people just feel verystuck, like their brains are
very hard to move and you knowwhat options do they have when
they're just so very stuck inthat mindset?
Laura Wood (14:45):
To me.
I always wonder why are we likethat?
Like, why are we stuck?
What's helpful about seeingthings on the negative side?
And so if we can uncover thatsomebody's brain is thinking
negatively as a survival skill,and they can like get that
(15:05):
insight, sometimes that insightis really helpful.
Like, oh, because if you asksomebody, well, why are you
thinking that way?
They're going to be like well,I don't know, I just am, that's
how my brain works, right.
But if you say, okay, if youcould guess.
Sometimes, if we just askourselves what's the first thing
that pops up, even if we Adon't agree with or B, it
(15:26):
doesn't make sense to us what'sthe first answer that we get.
Sometimes it's because if I'mnegative, like if I see these
negative things that couldpossibly happen, I can be
prepared for them.
I hear that all the time.
Michaela Beaver (15:40):
But I think it makes people stuck and to the
point where you know they justcan't even take any step forward
because one they believe thatthey believe themselves so
strongly right that they don't,they cannot see things from
other perspectives, or that theyhave talked themselves out of
starting any direction becausethey just see that it's going to
(16:04):
fail no matter what.
So they're hopeless, like whyeven try?
Laura Wood (16:08):
Yeah, and I think what our nervous system needs in
that moment is to understandthat hypervigilance, this hyper
awareness towards like thenegative, and or this shutdown
of like resigned to just feelingcrummy, because I feel crummy
and I'm never going to feelbetter and it's always going to
be this way.
What our nervous system needsto recognize is, in the present
(16:32):
moment, like nothing really badis actually happening or is you
know for the most part, like,let's say that, let's say that
we're just sitting around kindof talking and having you know,
commiserating or whatever.
Let's look around.
Is it safe here?
Do I really need to like beconstantly aware of this
negative thing that's in my liferight now?
Like for, for example, rightnow my son's car won't start, so
(16:56):
I have.
So this is just like a real lifeexample of one of those things
that comes up and you're justlike WTF, why is this happening
to me?
What am I supposed to do now?
I have to work, I have allthese other things going on.
I don't have time to deal withthis right.
Like so I could go down thisrabbit hole and then it could be
constantly on my mind as I'mtrying to work, as I'm trying to
(17:18):
get through my day.
I could just be spinning andruminating on it.
But when I stop and think, like,okay, during this hour, you
know that I'm getting to chatwith you, does this have to be
at the front of my mind, am Igoing to die if I don't like
remember that this is happeningright, this second.
(17:39):
I'm not saying, like in an hourfrom now maybe I do need to
think about it in an hour fromnow, but right this second.
I don't have to think aboutthat, I don't have to focus on
that.
I can focus on what's going onright now and I can look around
me and find maybe a thing or twothat is positive.
Like, oh, I'm getting to talkto my friend.
Like, oh, I'm home today and somy dogs are right here, so
(18:01):
that's fun, you know, I canfocus on a couple of things that
are decent, and then I can justfeel a little bit of a shift,
and in the beginning that's notsomething that happens
automatically.
That's something that requiresa lot of effort to do.
Michaela Beaver (18:19):
Yeah, it sounds easy, but it's actually not
that easy when you're in thatmoment when you cannot stop
thinking about that thing.
Yeah, I also think like it's anavoidance strategy.
So if I can find all of thenegative things and all the
(18:39):
reasons not to move forward,then I don't have to feel the
feelings that I feel when Ithink about, like you know, like
that, when I what that wouldmean, like if I, if I go out and
I try to make friends, forexample, I can figure out all
(19:00):
the reasons why I can't go dothat, because if I'm actually in
that situation, that's going tobe uncomfortable and so I don't
really want to do it and so I'mtrying to avoid it.
So I'm coming up with all thesenegative thoughts about it and
why it could go wrong, so that Idon't ever have to go into that
situation.
Laura Wood (19:16):
Yeah, that makes perfect sense.
So when we're thinkingnegatively, I remember this one
time I was having like a reallytough day, maybe feeling really
down, and I was going to therapy.
That day my therapist asked melike well, what's helpful about
thinking that way?
Like what's helpful about thisfeeling that you have, or being
down today?
Like what's what's importantabout it?
(19:38):
What would you have to dealwith if you weren't?
That was the question that sheasked me, and I was like, well,
I would have to deal with thisfeeling that I don't want to
deal with, like I would have tofeel sad or I would have to feel
disappointed.
I think is what it was, cause Ican't remember the exact
situation, but I would have tofeel disappointed in this
situation and I don't want to.
(19:58):
So I'm just going to sit hereand be, like you know,
despondent about it instead.
And that's we think it's kind oflike logically, when we talk it
through, it's counterintuitive,right A hundred percent, but
internally it's instinctual,it's part of our limbic system,
it's part of our amygdala isreacting.
(20:21):
So like our information comesin through our limbic system,
which is in our brainstem, andthat information gets passed in,
passed through the amygdala,and the amygdala is what reacts
to it emotionally.
And then so when we've got thisemotional reaction happening,
our, our thoughts haven't comeonline yet, but our emotions are
then going to drive ourthoughts into oh, this is bad or
(20:43):
this is good, and then we canchoose to either go with that
thought or change that thought,and so that's really one of the
biggest things that helps youkind of start looking on the
bright side is like you don'thave to go with your first
thought, you don't have to makethat emotion, that feeling
doesn't have to become a fact.
Michaela Beaver (21:03):
Yeah, I love that.
I use that a lot in talking todifferent people.
Whatever it may be, it's like,yeah, you could go with that.
That's an option and you get tochoose.
Right.
It is a choice.
At some point you know whetheryou stay in that or not.
And, yes, it takes time tolearn how to get yourself out of
(21:23):
that, because we are drawn towhat is what we're used to and
how we're used to doing things.
To what is what we're used toand how we're used to doing
things, how we were kind oftrained to do things, or what
our biology wants us to do.
But it is ultimately still achoice and we can learn to think
about it differently or to trysomething new.
Laura Wood (21:43):
Does having a bad attitude make us feel like we
are being productive, or likehaving a negative outlook, or
like making up complaints aboutthings or coming up with reasons
why something is bad?
Does that make us feelproductive in any way?
Like, do you feel like Iwouldn't think so?
I don't know.
Like I'm thinking about how, ifI don't have anything to do,
(22:06):
then am I being like if I'm justlike sitting around, like being
happy and relaxed and likeenjoying myself?
Am I I being like if I'm justlike sitting around, like being
happy and relaxed and likeenjoying myself?
Am I not being productiveenough?
And I need to like come up witha list of things that are going
wrong so that I can fix them.
Maybe, I don't know.
I just sort of I'm thinkingabout that as we are talking
(22:27):
through the avoidance strategy.
It's almost like it's both.
You know, it's both theavoidance strategy and it's the
production strategy.
It's like we have to be doingsomething all the time, like
there always has to be somethingwrong that we can just deal
with and fix and like address.
Michaela Beaver (22:47):
Yeah, that makes sense.
Okay, Say more about that.
Laura Wood (22:50):
So, like, if you're a kid and you're sitting around
on the couch or something andwatching TV, like, and your
parents are telling you all thetime, like, get up and go do
something you know there's tonsof stuff to do Like, what are
the things that we have to do?
Well, like, if, what does yourparents say when you're telling
them that you're bored?
Go play with your toys?
I was thinking go cleansomething.
(23:12):
So that's the differencebetween how we grew up so like
but that's fine.
Michaela Beaver (23:18):
Yeah, that was what we were told, like go
outside, go play.
Laura Wood (23:22):
So, like when I said I was bored, it was like I was
bored.
It was like, well, I can giveyou a list of chores to do, like
I can give you a list of thingsto do, right.
And so in my head then I thinkthe learning is we learn that
sitting around is bad and likerelaxing, so like relaxing is
bad.
We can't just do nothing, wehave to be doing something.
(23:42):
And if I don't have anyproblems to solve and I never
really learned how to like gooutside or like go play with my
toys, like that was never, thosewere never options.
It was always like go solve aproblem, right, that's so.
That's kind of maybe where I'mgetting my negative, like
glasses half empty kind of vibe.
And maybe that's where you getyour glasses half full kind of
(24:05):
vibe, like go find something funto do.
Is your answer Right?
Michaela Beaver (24:09):
Well, and also you think about like ancestral,
like history.
So you know, back in, back inthe day, you know, if you know
things were really hard, youknow, maybe it was adaptive to,
like you were saying, you know,be on edge, be looking for
(24:32):
something bad, or to go like get, give yourself a burst of
energy and go like forage forfood, right, so it was so like
you have two options, right.
Like you could have been like,oh, I'm going to look out for
danger because there could beberries.
And this guy's like, oh my, Isaw this person eat these
berries and they died, right, soeverything's dangerous.
(24:52):
And then on this side they'relike, oh my, I saw this person
eat these berries and they died,right, so everything's
dangerous.
And then on this side they werelike, oh, we went out and
forage for food and we, we, wecaught some fish and we won,
right.
And like we saved our village,right.
And so that those epigeneticsare flipping on different
strategies and different,different parts of our genes to
help us adapt to those specificsituations.
(25:14):
And so now, years later, we'repassing down these, these same
strategies, to our children.
Laura Wood (25:23):
Yeah, absolutely.
Like you can go and find likethe bright side of things, the
good stuff.
You can go and find, like, howsuccessful you were.
Or you can go and find howdangerous things are and how
horrible things are and howscary things are.
And to go back to like that'spart of the negativity bias is
like I'm constantly on alert fordanger, like I'm seeking out
(25:45):
danger all the time just in case, so that I can make sure that I
don't die, so I don't fall inthat hole.
I have to be aware that thathole is there and so I have to
be paying attention.
And if I'm not paying attentionthen I'll die.
Like I think I hear thatargument a lot and I know that
it sounds silly to say like,well, I'll die, but like we
really jumped to, I'll die likesuper fast.
(26:06):
It does not take much for us tothink that we're going to die
and that for us to thinksomething's dangerous that's not
actually dangerous.
I've heard a lot of peopleexplain to me what is dangerous
when it's really just it'sdifficult, like it's difficult,
it's not dangerous.
And so that's another way thatwe can kind of curb our
negativity is by saying like, oh, this is difficult.
(26:26):
It's not dangerous, so thatmeans it's possible.
Michaela Beaver (26:31):
I like that.
Okay, so we can, you know, tellourselves it's difficult, not
dangerous.
We can also use like acognitive behavioral strategy
type approach.
We kind of talked aboutchanging our thoughts a little
bit, so like if I'm thinking,hey, I don't want to go hang out
(26:52):
with these people, they'regoing to make fun of me and I'm
going to feel sad, it's notgoing to be fun, whatever, like,
it's just going to be.
I'm so tired, I don't reallywant to do it.
So we're thinking of all thesereasons not to go hang out with
our friends.
You know, we could use some ofthose thought changes to say,
(27:15):
well, what was the time that wewent out with our friends and it
wasn't that right.
Okay, I can think back to thisother time that I did have fun.
Laura Wood (27:23):
So maybe it's possible that I could have fun
this time, right, yeah, sothat's something called a
mastery resource, actually likethinking of a time that you
actually did this well or thatthis thing went well, and like
picturing yourself in thatposition and recognizing like,
oh, I have had this happenbefore and it has gone well and
that means it's possible that itcan go well again in the future
.
Right, so it's a really goodoption.
(27:43):
You know, another thing that wecan do is we can play the worst
case scenario game.
Do is we can play the worstcase scenario game.
So the worst case scenario gameis sometimes the friend's
example that you gave.
Like, okay, it's going to beawkward, or I'm going to feel
bad, or whatever.
(28:04):
Like somebody is going to saysomething to me.
Okay, what's the worst thingthat could happen?
Somebody says something and itmakes you feel sad.
And then what could happen?
Somebody says something and itmakes you feel sad.
Michaela Beaver (28:18):
And then what?
Well, I'll just feel sad, like,okay, nope, then I'll die.
I can never show my face again,I can never see them again,
because I totally embarrassedmyself so, so much that I'm
going to have no friends andI'll die.
Laura Wood (28:30):
Yeah.
So is that really true?
No, no, it's not true.
So we can back that up andrecognize, like, okay, so the
actual worst thing that's goingto happen is that you feel sad.
And then what can you leave?
Can you call someone to comepick you up?
Can you go talk to somebodyelse?
Can you, you know, bringsomebody with you so that you
have a buddy to go with in thefirst place?
(28:51):
Like, can you, you know, make ajoke, you know?
And in response to the thingthat they say, so there's all
these different options that youcan go through.
So when you play the worst casescenario game, you realize that
the worst thing that's going tohappen is probably not as bad
as you think it is.
Also, it's very it's not asprobable that the worst thing
(29:14):
happens.
It's possible, but it's notprobable.
Most of the time it's not theworst case scenario.
It can be bad, but not usuallythe worst.
Michaela Beaver (29:24):
And it's not probably the best.
You're probably not going to goand be the life of the party
and everybody's chanting Laura,Laura, like you're the, you're
the most amazing, right.
Like that's not it, it's notgoing to be that either.
Laura Wood (29:38):
No it's definitely not going to be that.
It's going to be somewhere inthe middle and I'm going to
survive it, and that's the thing.
We have to be okay with feelingawkward.
We have to be okay with feelinghurt or embarrassed or sad,
like those are.
So awkward and embarrassed arereally hard feelings to feel.
(29:58):
I've learned that people do notlike to feel this way.
Michaela Beaver (30:03):
No, because it means something about them.
Laura Wood (30:06):
Ah, okay, like what.
Michaela Beaver (30:09):
One.
I don't like how it makes mefeel physically right, because
those are negative feelings,they're distracting, and then it
means that I'm a loser, itmeans that I'm worthless, it
means that I'll never fit in.
Laura Wood (30:25):
Yikes, okay.
So if it means all that, that'sa big time.
Yeah, that's really bad.
But guess what it doesn't meanany of that about?
Yeah, people are people andthey're going to do peopley
things and they're going to sayand do whatever they say and do,
and that's not about you.
So, like, if I'm somebody whosays mean things to people to
(30:46):
hurt their feelings at parties,that's a thing that I do.
That's not something that I'mdoing because of the person I'm
saying it to.
That's just that I I do.
That's not something that I'mdoing because of the person I'm
saying it to.
That's just that I have thatmood which I don't, by the way.
I don't say mean things topeople at parties.
Michaela Beaver (30:59):
But I think then and also you have to flip
it around and say, like, whydoes that person need to do
those things?
Why do they need to say meanthings at parties?
Well, because they feel awkward, because they feel better about
themselves when they are makingsomeone else be the person
that's awkward, and so it hasmore to do with them than it
(31:19):
does with you.
And the other thing that yousaid that I want to make sure
that we highlight is that youcan handle it.
Our fears and these things makeus feel as though we're not
capable of managing how thatfeels and how terrible that is,
and I can't handle it Right.
(31:40):
But that's not true.
There's plenty of times thatwe've gone through these same
things and we've been able tohandle it and we'll continue to
be able to handle hard things.
It's not fun to do, but wesurvive and we adapt.
Laura Wood (31:56):
Yeah, and we can't avoid the things that make us
feel bad all the time, like wehave to be able to develop
resilience, and the way that wedo that is by facing hard things
and by getting through hardthings and by coming back and
trying to do it again and notgiving up and not thinking that
we can't do it and not, you know, feeling hopeless about it.
(32:21):
We have to be able to say I cando this, I've done it before.
And when that doesn't feel true, channel some kind of like
symbolic resource, right,channel a symbol of something
that is powerful and that maybeis more powerful than you, and
you can sort of draw from thatstrength and power.
(32:42):
That's a symbolic resource thatyou can use, or the best
version of yourself.
Or think of a soundtrack, likethink of a song and like play it
in your head.
That like makes you feel goodat, like your height, music.
You know stuff like that.
Sorry, my dog's barking.
Michaela Beaver (33:01):
Those are all really, really interesting.
I'd not heard of that before.
That's a new, new one to me,and so that's really cool to
think about.
You know, channeling somethingthat's more powerful and helping
you, you know, maybe feel morepowerful as a result.
Laura Wood (33:18):
Yeah, and you can draw from that.
You can suck in that power andbe like okay, I can take some of
this because this all powerfulthing is going to give me a
little bit of what they have andit's going to help me out what
they have and it's going to helpme out.
Michaela Beaver (33:35):
Yeah, that's really cool.
And, from an adult perspective,you know doing my own work in
therapy and things.
I think that you know knowing,knowing and finding ways,
through therapy and your own toto recognize why these things
began in the first place andbeing compassionate to that part
of you that developed that thatfear in the first place.
Right, because I think that youknow we we spend a lot of time
(34:02):
really disliking this part of usand disliking that we can't
just be normal, right, or wecan't just like why did I, why
does, why do I have to respondin this way?
Right, like as part of you know, if you think about, like,
social anxiety, right, andthey're thinking all those
negative things about, you know,being judged or and having all
(34:23):
those negative beliefs aboutthemselves, right, you know you
think about, um, that's not afun thing to experience.
You think, why am I, why am Ilike this, right?
Why do I do this?
Right?
And so, looking in and findingout that, like, this really
happened for a reason.
And you know, kids do thingsdifferently than adults do, they
(34:44):
think about things differentlythan adults do, and so these
strategies were developed inchildhood.
They've been there for a longtime and they were developed for
a reason and it it helped youin that moment.
You may not understand it orreally it doesn't make sense now
as using your adult, you know,fully formed brain, but it did
(35:05):
make sense at a time in yourlife and that, like having that
compassion, can help you kind ofmove through some of that you
know discomfort a little biteasier.
Laura Wood (35:16):
No, you're absolutely right.
That relationship with yourselfand that compassion for
yourself is so incrediblyimportant that if we don't have
that, you know, then we'realways kind of banishing and
like hurting that part of usthat's already feeling negative
and already feeling bad, andthen that's just going to
perpetuate the negativity.
Right?
If we're going against our ownself in those moments, then
(35:39):
we're not going to be able tosee things for the way that they
really are.
We're not going to be able toget into the present and see the
bright side.
As the adult that we are today,that's a really good one.
Michaela Beaver (35:52):
Yeah, anything else that you can think of that
we could do to start having abrighter side, looking at things
on the brighter side.
Laura Wood (36:00):
I think this one is everybody hates this, but
affirmations, okay, likeeverybody gets mad at me when I
tell them to do affirmations,but I promise affirmations
really work.
So we've got our gratitude,we've got being compassionate
toward ourselves, we've gotchallenging our thoughts and
really playing the worst casescenario game.
(36:20):
There's so many different toolsthat we can use mastery
resources, symbolic resources oflike something that just makes
you feel, something you canbelieve a little bit, even if
you don't fully believe it.
You believe it a little bit.
That makes you feel like you'recapable and competent and
you're able to move forward.
So like even if you're justsaying to yourself you know I
(36:43):
can do this, um, I am strong, Iam capable, um, I am stable,
something like even sayingsomething, something as neutral
as like I'm emotionally stable,I'm capable of managing my
emotions.
You know I have power over myemotions, just those basic
(37:05):
things Like.
I know it sounds so silly, butif you say that stuff to
yourself and like go into asituation, you really will have
just a tiny bit more fuel to besuccessful.
Michaela Beaver (37:17):
Yeah, I love that.
And affirmations, mantras, likeall of those things are so
helpful and every you can youhave to, you can re-engage them.
Every time that negativethought comes in, right, like
it's going to happen a lot, thatthought is going to pop a lot.
That thought is going to popback in If you're putting
yourself in in a, in a placewhere you're feeling negative or
(37:38):
you're feeling uncomfortable oryou're having a lot of negative
thoughts like you're going tohave to tell yourself over and
over again some of these thingsand um, but they do like they do
make a difference.
Laura Wood (37:50):
They really do, yeah , so I think we've got lots of
tools to start looking on thebright side.
So this is good, very good,well, so thank you so much for
listening to.
Why Am I Like this?
If you like our show, pleaseleave us a rating and review on
your favorite podcast platform.
Follow the show and share itwith your friends.
This episode was written andproduced by me, laura Wood and
(38:13):
Michaela Beaver.
Our theme song is Making EndsMeet by Thick as Seas, and a
special thanks to BenevaryCounseling and Coaching and
Active Healing PsychiatricServices for sponsoring our show
.
Hello and welcome to .
Why Am I Like this, the podcast?
Who didn't get enough hugs as achild?
I am Laura Wood and I'm atrauma therapist.
Michaela Beaver (00:14):
And I'm Mashaela Beaver.
I'm a psychiatric nursepractitioner.
Laura Wood (00:18):
So, M, why are we doing this podcast?
Michaela Beaver (00:22):
I'm so glad that you asked.
We want to help you understandyourself a bit better, how the
things you learned aboutyourself and the world and
childhood are still affectingyou today.
We want to figure out why arewe like this, those random
things about ourselves we mightwonder about, like why am I so
jumpy?
Why am I so anxious?
Why do we take everythingpersonally?
(00:43):
Why are my thoughts so negative?
Why do I feel like I have tofix everything all?
Laura Wood (00:48):
the time?
Yes, and we are talking aboutour attitudes today, and we're
going to try to answer thefollowing questions why are my
thoughts so negative?
What is the negativity bias andhow do I start looking on the
bright side?
So let's get into it.
Why are we so negative?
What's going?
Michaela Beaver (01:07):
on.
Man, this is a hard one becauseI think I'm an optimist.
Like I'm optimistic, like Ithink, uh, I don't know, my
brain just does not work thatway.
Yes, I see the negatives, yes,I know that there's like things
that can happen, but ultimatelyI'm always like hey, I got this
right, like we're going to getthrough this, and I think of all
the like ways that I can likecounteract those negative
(01:31):
thoughts.
So, um, yeah, I don't know,like why are people having
struggles with these negativethoughts and unable to like move
their brains?
Laura Wood (01:43):
I think so.
It's funny.
I've actually been told I'mvery negative, but I don't see
that in myself.
I think maybe that's like anold version of me where in the
past I know that I've beensomebody who is just kind of on
the downside of things, likelooking at the not right side,
always thinking what's the nextthing that's going to happen.
(02:05):
Everything is bad.
Everything bad happens to meLike I can't catch a break, just
like that feeling of likedredging through, like I used to
say, like just clawing my waythrough every second of every
day, like trying to make it andtrying to get out of this like
hole that I'm always in, like Iused to feel that way, um, and
so I think I had like a reallybad attitude at that time.
(02:26):
And I think a lot, there's a lotto be said for changing the way
that you think so that you canchange the way you feel.
Like you can't change yourimmediate reaction, like your
first thought, you can't changethat, you can't control that.
That's going to happen, but youdon't have to go with that.
So I always think the mainreason why we're so negative is
(02:49):
and I think there's plenty ofother reasons too, but for me.
It's that negativity bias andit's a survival skill.
So if you are constantlylooking for the negative thing,
like then, you won't getblindsided by it.
You're always going to be ableto be prepared for the worst
(03:09):
thing that could happen, theworst case scenario.
It's a survival skill for thosewho have been through really
negative experiences, like overand over and over.
It's just this validating thingthat keeps happening.
That keeps happening, and sothey start to skew the way that
they see the world into thisnegativity lens that, basically,
(03:29):
is designed to keep you alivein a weird way.
Michaela Beaver (03:32):
Yeah, that's so interesting.
So I have gone through severalhard things and I don't know,
like through that, I've alwaysjust been like pick yourself up,
keep going.
What are my options?
Look at the next thing, right.
And I know several people thathave gone through really hard
(03:54):
things and they also have that.
Like you know it's they canstill.
They don't lose their hope inthings.
Do you think it has somethingto do with, just like that,
being able to have hope?
You know cause?
Some of depression is likehopelessness and not being able
to see your way out of it.
Do you think it has somethingto do with that?
Laura Wood (04:15):
Yeah, I do.
I think, um, depression has abig part of this.
Like, I think, if we'rethinking, if we're hopeless all
the time, if we're feeling likethere is no way out, if we're
feeling like there's nothing wecan do, if we're feeling like,
you know, everything we trydoesn't work, I see that a lot,
like well, I tried this, I can'tdo this, I can't do this, I
(04:36):
can't do this, and so I can't, Ican't, I can't, is going to
turn into I won't, I won't, Iwon't, and then I just am
constantly like reinforcing myhopelessness.
Right, and so I think havinghope is a good antidote and a
good solution.
That's why they say a gratitudejournal is so helpful and
(04:57):
important, like a practice.
I said journal specifically.
That's an, that's a technique,but a gratitude practice in
general is something that canchange our entire mood, like we
can feel better on a regularbasis because we're training our
thoughts to go from thatnegativity bias to this
positivity bias, like agratitude practice builds a bias
(05:21):
on the other side.
Michaela Beaver (05:23):
Yeah, that makes a lot of sense.
So our positive you know, youalways hear people say like it
takes 10 positives to discountone negative, right?
So those negative things arejust really sticky.
They stick to us and thepositive things we just like
minimize them, right, likethat's a cognitive distortion
minimizing and maximizing, right, we minimize the good and we
maximize the bad things and ourbrain tends to want to stick to
(05:46):
those things.
While you were talking, I wasalso wondering if you know if it
I believe it's probablysomething tied to childhood as
well right, why we're sonegative, right?
So if we have one person whogot a lot of positive
reinforcement in childhood, youknow, hey, you got this, you can
(06:06):
do this, you're, you knowyou're, you're stronger than you
think, right, like you get alot of positive reinforcement,
then you are going to beinherently more likely to
believe that you can be okay.
Whereas if you have another kid, even from the same family
sometimes, where you know thethere was a lot of butting of
(06:28):
heads, they were, you know, morelikely to get in trouble.
They were constantly being toldstop that, don't do that, don't
touch that.
You're never going to get it.
Why can't you just listen?
Maybe that's it that person'sup that person up for maybe
having more likely being on thatnegativity bias versus the
positivity bias.
Laura Wood (06:50):
I think that's right .
I think the way that we'retrained in childhood to look at
the world it shapes ourworldview right.
So if I'm constantly gettingreinforced that I'm bad and that
I'm doing something wrong andthat nothing good is happening
and I'm not doing good enough,I'm already sort of seeing the
world from this negative lens,like I'm not somebody who is
(07:11):
going to have the option tothink positively because I never
learned it.
You know, when kids are exposedto chronic toxic stress and
like chronic negativity, they'regoing to embody that later on.
There's obviously someexceptions, right, like you have
, people who come out of really,really horrible circumstances
(07:33):
with like grit and resilience.
But I also think sometimes thathas a lot to do with at least
one role model.
If we have at least one rolemodel from any perspective that
is telling us or showing us apositive way forward, we can
leech onto that and we canfollow that and we can really
say, okay, that's possible.
(07:54):
If it's possible for them, it'spossible for me.
We can internalize thosemessages and we can make that
our reality.
But I also think it'stemperament.
So I think we're born with apositive or a negative sort of
view on the world, like I thinkwe have, like some people are
born with this the glasses halffull kind of perspective and
that can change over time.
(08:15):
Like I think that can betrained out of somebody.
It can be broken down.
Anybody can be broken down.
It can be trained out ofsomebody, but it can also be
trained into somebody.
Like I think, depending on whoyou ask, you might get a
different perspective.
Like somebody might say aboutme specifically, depending on
who you ask, you might havesomebody say oh well, that
person's really negative or thatperson's really positive,
(08:37):
depending on, like, thesituation that I'm in, and so
like, depending on therelationship that I have with
them.
So that's kind of what I mean.
Like we're born with like alittle bit of something and then
we train into the positivenessor we train into the
negativeness.
Like for me, I think I don'tknow for sure, but I think I'm
(08:59):
kind of a glass that's halfempty, maybe, and then I'm
trained into a glass that's halfempty maybe, and then I'm
trained into a glass that's halffull.
That's why, like in somerelationships, depending on my
situation, you might feel me assomebody who's negative, like
somebody who's always kind ofdown or whatever, but then in
like my work, life or my um, youknow, when I'm trying to raise
(09:21):
my kids or I'm trying to pushforward, like I'm always trying
to say like it's, there's alwayssome it's possible, right, I
there's no no, for me it'salways possible.
Michaela Beaver (09:32):
Yeah, do you think that because you were kind
of like that um half emptytrain to be half full?
Do you think that it it stilltakes more energy for you to
kind of flip that mindset,depending on the day?
Laura Wood (09:47):
I do think that's true.
Yeah, I've never really thoughtabout it like that, but when
you put it that way, I thinkthat makes a lot of sense.
Like it takes and I hear thisfrom clients it takes a lot of
energy to like reground yourselfin the opposite state that
you're sort of used to being in.
So like if my baseline, mybaseline, is like down here and
(10:12):
then I'm constantly trying toand this is an audio medium, so
you can't see me but if mybaseline is like, let's say,
like a one or a two right, andthen I'm trying to sort of
perform at a five or a six allthe time, that balance takes
work, it takes effort and ittakes energy to get there.
(10:33):
One thing that helped me istherapy.
I know we talk about therapy inevery single episode, but
therapy helped me retrain mybaseline.
So I think my baseline ishigher than it used to be.
I think it used to be down at aone or two.
Now maybe my baseline isalready kind of like a four or a
(10:53):
five and I'm trying to performat like a five or six.
You know what I mean.
So it gets.
I'm a little bit closer towhere that is and so it's more
natural for me now to default towhen I have that negative
thought.
You know the initial negativethought of like oh, this is such
a disaster, like why can'tanything work out.
I can easily flip that thoughtinto okay, what do I need to do?
(11:17):
How do I move forward?
How do I change this?
Like, how do I get out of thissituation?
Michaela Beaver (11:27):
this Like how do I get out of this situation?
Sure, yeah, that makes sense.
So this makes me think aboutlike a time where I was in a
situation with a group of peoplethat there was a lot of
negative things going on at thewe're in the work environment
and we kind of came together anddid a lot of commiserating,
like we were just kind of likethis is so terrible, how are we
going to get out of this?
(11:47):
Whatever, and like I think thatI was driven to the social
connection piece of it.
But after I left it I felt soicky, like, so gross, like that
negative, that negativity, likeit didn't feel good, it felt so,
I don't know, opposite of how Iwanted to feel or how I wanted
(12:07):
to view things.
Like I wanted to be, like I gotthis, I'm going to move forward
, here's my plan.
But like, for some reason, Istill find myself drawn to
people, even when it's like thatnegative, like drama, whatever,
like.
And also I think it's because Iwant to solve a problem.
Like I want to be there, I wantto help you, like let's figure
this out together, you know,kind of thing.
Laura Wood (12:29):
Well, yeah, I mean, it sounds like the problem that
you had, the reason why it feltso icky, is because the other
people maybe didn't want tosolve the problem.
Like sometimes misery lovescompany and we just want to
commiserate in like the crappystuff.
And sometimes, you know, I talkto parents about this.
Sometimes when kids have a badday, or when kids come home
(12:51):
complaining about their teachersin school or complaining about
their friends in school, likesometimes we just need somebody
to co-sign on our rage.
Like I need somebody to say,yeah, that's the worst, right.
Like I need somebody tovalidate that and then I can
pick myself up and move myselfthrough it.
And I think people have thatcapacity.
But if we're not gettingvalidated, then we don't have
(13:13):
the ability to move forward.
And then there's also somepeople who are just they're kind
of stuck in the negativity anddon't see a way out.
And so if you're in anenvironment where you've got a
whole bunch of people who don'tsee a way out, and then you are
like, yeah, I can validate thatthis is terrible and I can
commiserate, but then I want totake that next step and nobody
(13:34):
else is taking that next stepwith you, that could feel really
icky.
Michaela Beaver (13:39):
Yeah for sure, so so.
So when we are stuck in this,you know this makes me think of,
like you know, the brain andthe way that it works.
You know I think aboutdifferent parts of the brain
that might keep us stuck.
You know I think about, like,people that come to see me for
(14:00):
depression, for example, and youknow we try to manage their
symptoms of depression, maybetake the edge off with a
medication or a supplement orsomething you know like that.
But when we are stuck in thesenegative thoughts, I don't
really I don't see medicinemoving that needle.
(14:21):
You know I don't see that ithelps.
And so we talk a lot about, youknow, trying to change our
thoughts and try to look atthings from different
perspectives.
But some people just feel verystuck, like their brains are
very hard to move and you knowwhat options do they have when
they're just so very stuck inthat mindset?
Laura Wood (14:45):
To me.
I always wonder why are we likethat?
Like, why are we stuck?
What's helpful about seeingthings on the negative side?
And so if we can uncover thatsomebody's brain is thinking
negatively as a survival skill,and they can like get that
(15:05):
insight, sometimes that insightis really helpful.
Like, oh, because if you asksomebody, well, why are you
thinking that way?
They're going to be like well,I don't know, I just am, that's
how my brain works, right.
But if you say, okay, if youcould guess.
Sometimes, if we just askourselves what's the first thing
that pops up, even if we Adon't agree with or B, it
(15:26):
doesn't make sense to us what'sthe first answer that we get.
Sometimes it's because if I'mnegative, like if I see these
negative things that couldpossibly happen, I can be
prepared for them.
I hear that all the time.
Michaela Beaver (15:40):
But I think it makes people stuck and to the
point where you know they justcan't even take any step forward
because one they believe thatthey believe themselves so
strongly right that they don't,they cannot see things from
other perspectives, or that theyhave talked themselves out of
starting any direction becausethey just see that it's going to
(16:04):
fail no matter what.
So they're hopeless, like whyeven try?
Laura Wood (16:08):
Yeah, and I think what our nervous system needs in
that moment is to understandthat hypervigilance, this hyper
awareness towards like thenegative, and or this shutdown
of like resigned to just feelingcrummy, because I feel crummy
and I'm never going to feelbetter and it's always going to
be this way.
What our nervous system needsto recognize is, in the present
(16:32):
moment, like nothing really badis actually happening or is you
know for the most part, like,let's say that, let's say that
we're just sitting around kindof talking and having you know,
commiserating or whatever.
Let's look around.
Is it safe here?
Do I really need to like beconstantly aware of this
negative thing that's in my liferight now?
Like for, for example, rightnow my son's car won't start, so
(16:56):
I have.
So this is just like a real lifeexample of one of those things
that comes up and you're justlike WTF, why is this happening
to me?
What am I supposed to do now?
I have to work, I have allthese other things going on.
I don't have time to deal withthis right.
Like so I could go down thisrabbit hole and then it could be
constantly on my mind as I'mtrying to work, as I'm trying to
(17:18):
get through my day.
I could just be spinning andruminating on it.
But when I stop and think, like,okay, during this hour, you
know that I'm getting to chatwith you, does this have to be
at the front of my mind, am Igoing to die if I don't like
remember that this is happeningright, this second.
(17:39):
I'm not saying, like in an hourfrom now maybe I do need to
think about it in an hour fromnow, but right this second.
I don't have to think aboutthat, I don't have to focus on
that.
I can focus on what's going onright now and I can look around
me and find maybe a thing or twothat is positive.
Like, oh, I'm getting to talkto my friend.
Like, oh, I'm home today and somy dogs are right here, so
(18:01):
that's fun, you know, I canfocus on a couple of things that
are decent, and then I can justfeel a little bit of a shift,
and in the beginning that's notsomething that happens
automatically.
That's something that requiresa lot of effort to do.
Michaela Beaver (18:19):
Yeah, it sounds easy, but it's actually not
that easy when you're in thatmoment when you cannot stop
thinking about that thing.
Yeah, I also think like it's anavoidance strategy.
So if I can find all of thenegative things and all the
(18:39):
reasons not to move forward,then I don't have to feel the
feelings that I feel when Ithink about, like you know, like
that, when I what that wouldmean, like if I, if I go out and
I try to make friends, forexample, I can figure out all
(19:00):
the reasons why I can't go dothat, because if I'm actually in
that situation, that's going tobe uncomfortable and so I don't
really want to do it and so I'mtrying to avoid it.
So I'm coming up with all thesenegative thoughts about it and
why it could go wrong, so that Idon't ever have to go into that
situation.
Laura Wood (19:16):
Yeah, that makes perfect sense.
So when we're thinkingnegatively, I remember this one
time I was having like a reallytough day, maybe feeling really
down, and I was going to therapy.
That day my therapist asked melike well, what's helpful about
thinking that way?
Like what's helpful about thisfeeling that you have, or being
down today?
Like what's what's importantabout it?
(19:38):
What would you have to dealwith if you weren't?
That was the question that sheasked me, and I was like, well,
I would have to deal with thisfeeling that I don't want to
deal with, like I would have tofeel sad or I would have to feel
disappointed.
I think is what it was, cause Ican't remember the exact
situation, but I would have tofeel disappointed in this
situation and I don't want to.
(19:58):
So I'm just going to sit hereand be, like you know,
despondent about it instead.
And that's we think it's kind oflike logically, when we talk it
through, it's counterintuitive,right A hundred percent, but
internally it's instinctual,it's part of our limbic system,
it's part of our amygdala isreacting.
(20:21):
So like our information comesin through our limbic system,
which is in our brainstem, andthat information gets passed in,
passed through the amygdala,and the amygdala is what reacts
to it emotionally.
And then so when we've got thisemotional reaction happening,
our, our thoughts haven't comeonline yet, but our emotions are
then going to drive ourthoughts into oh, this is bad or
(20:43):
this is good, and then we canchoose to either go with that
thought or change that thought,and so that's really one of the
biggest things that helps youkind of start looking on the
bright side is like you don'thave to go with your first
thought, you don't have to makethat emotion, that feeling
doesn't have to become a fact.
Michaela Beaver (21:03):
Yeah, I love that.
I use that a lot in talking todifferent people.
Whatever it may be, it's like,yeah, you could go with that.
That's an option and you get tochoose.
Right.
It is a choice.
At some point you know whetheryou stay in that or not.
And, yes, it takes time tolearn how to get yourself out of
(21:23):
that, because we are drawn towhat is what we're used to and
how we're used to doing things.
To what is what we're used toand how we're used to doing
things, how we were kind oftrained to do things, or what
our biology wants us to do.
But it is ultimately still achoice and we can learn to think
about it differently or to trysomething new.
Laura Wood (21:43):
Does having a bad attitude make us feel like we
are being productive, or likehaving a negative outlook, or
like making up complaints aboutthings or coming up with reasons
why something is bad?
Does that make us feelproductive in any way?
Like, do you feel like Iwouldn't think so?
I don't know.
Like I'm thinking about how, ifI don't have anything to do,
(22:06):
then am I being like if I'm justlike sitting around, like being
happy and relaxed and likeenjoying myself?
Am I I being like if I'm justlike sitting around, like being
happy and relaxed and likeenjoying myself?
Am I not being productiveenough?
And I need to like come up witha list of things that are going
wrong so that I can fix them.
Maybe, I don't know.
I just sort of I'm thinkingabout that as we are talking
(22:27):
through the avoidance strategy.
It's almost like it's both.
You know, it's both theavoidance strategy and it's the
production strategy.
It's like we have to be doingsomething all the time, like
there always has to be somethingwrong that we can just deal
with and fix and like address.
Michaela Beaver (22:47):
Yeah, that makes sense.
Okay, Say more about that.
Laura Wood (22:50):
So, like, if you're a kid and you're sitting around
on the couch or something andwatching TV, like, and your
parents are telling you all thetime, like, get up and go do
something you know there's tonsof stuff to do Like, what are
the things that we have to do?
Well, like, if, what does yourparents say when you're telling
them that you're bored?
Go play with your toys?
I was thinking go cleansomething.
(23:12):
So that's the differencebetween how we grew up so like
but that's fine.
Michaela Beaver (23:18):
Yeah, that was what we were told, like go
outside, go play.
Laura Wood (23:22):
So, like when I said I was bored, it was like I was
bored.
It was like, well, I can giveyou a list of chores to do, like
I can give you a list of thingsto do, right.
And so in my head then I thinkthe learning is we learn that
sitting around is bad and likerelaxing, so like relaxing is
bad.
We can't just do nothing, wehave to be doing something.
(23:42):
And if I don't have anyproblems to solve and I never
really learned how to like gooutside or like go play with my
toys, like that was never, thosewere never options.
It was always like go solve aproblem, right, that's so.
That's kind of maybe where I'mgetting my negative, like
glasses half empty kind of vibe.
And maybe that's where you getyour glasses half full kind of
(24:05):
vibe, like go find something funto do.
Is your answer Right?
Michaela Beaver (24:09):
Well, and also you think about like ancestral,
like history.
So you know, back in, back inthe day, you know, if you know
things were really hard, youknow, maybe it was adaptive to,
like you were saying, you know,be on edge, be looking for
(24:32):
something bad, or to go like get, give yourself a burst of
energy and go like forage forfood, right, so it was so like
you have two options, right.
Like you could have been like,oh, I'm going to look out for
danger because there could beberries.
And this guy's like, oh my, Isaw this person eat these
berries and they died, right, soeverything's dangerous.
(24:52):
And then on this side they'relike, oh my, I saw this person
eat these berries and they died,right, so everything's
dangerous.
And then on this side they werelike, oh, we went out and
forage for food and we, we, wecaught some fish and we won,
right.
And like we saved our village,right.
And so that those epigeneticsare flipping on different
strategies and different,different parts of our genes to
help us adapt to those specificsituations.
(25:14):
And so now, years later, we'repassing down these, these same
strategies, to our children.
Laura Wood (25:23):
Yeah, absolutely.
Like you can go and find likethe bright side of things, the
good stuff.
You can go and find, like, howsuccessful you were.
Or you can go and find howdangerous things are and how
horrible things are and howscary things are.
And to go back to like that'spart of the negativity bias is
like I'm constantly on alert fordanger, like I'm seeking out
(25:45):
danger all the time just in case, so that I can make sure that I
don't die, so I don't fall inthat hole.
I have to be aware that thathole is there and so I have to
be paying attention.
And if I'm not paying attentionthen I'll die.
Like I think I hear thatargument a lot and I know that
it sounds silly to say like,well, I'll die, but like we
really jumped to, I'll die likesuper fast.
(26:06):
It does not take much for us tothink that we're going to die
and that for us to thinksomething's dangerous that's not
actually dangerous.
I've heard a lot of peopleexplain to me what is dangerous
when it's really just it'sdifficult, like it's difficult,
it's not dangerous.
And so that's another way thatwe can kind of curb our
negativity is by saying like, oh, this is difficult.
(26:26):
It's not dangerous, so thatmeans it's possible.
Michaela Beaver (26:31):
I like that.
Okay, so we can, you know, tellourselves it's difficult, not
dangerous.
We can also use like acognitive behavioral strategy
type approach.
We kind of talked aboutchanging our thoughts a little
bit, so like if I'm thinking,hey, I don't want to go hang out
(26:52):
with these people, they'regoing to make fun of me and I'm
going to feel sad, it's notgoing to be fun, whatever, like,
it's just going to be.
I'm so tired, I don't reallywant to do it.
So we're thinking of all thesereasons not to go hang out with
our friends.
You know, we could use some ofthose thought changes to say,
(27:15):
well, what was the time that wewent out with our friends and it
wasn't that right.
Okay, I can think back to thisother time that I did have fun.
Laura Wood (27:23):
So maybe it's possible that I could have fun
this time, right, yeah, sothat's something called a
mastery resource, actually likethinking of a time that you
actually did this well or thatthis thing went well, and like
picturing yourself in thatposition and recognizing like,
oh, I have had this happenbefore and it has gone well and
that means it's possible that itcan go well again in the future
.
Right, so it's a really goodoption.
(27:43):
You know, another thing that wecan do is we can play the worst
case scenario game.
Do is we can play the worstcase scenario game.
So the worst case scenario gameis sometimes the friend's
example that you gave.
Like, okay, it's going to beawkward, or I'm going to feel
bad, or whatever.
(28:04):
Like somebody is going to saysomething to me.
Okay, what's the worst thingthat could happen?
Somebody says something and itmakes you feel sad.
And then what could happen?
Somebody says something and itmakes you feel sad.
Michaela Beaver (28:18):
And then what?
Well, I'll just feel sad, like,okay, nope, then I'll die.
I can never show my face again,I can never see them again,
because I totally embarrassedmyself so, so much that I'm
going to have no friends andI'll die.
Laura Wood (28:30):
Yeah.
So is that really true?
No, no, it's not true.
So we can back that up andrecognize, like, okay, so the
actual worst thing that's goingto happen is that you feel sad.
And then what can you leave?
Can you call someone to comepick you up?
Can you go talk to somebodyelse?
Can you, you know, bringsomebody with you so that you
have a buddy to go with in thefirst place?
(28:51):
Like, can you, you know, make ajoke, you know?
And in response to the thingthat they say, so there's all
these different options that youcan go through.
So when you play the worst casescenario game, you realize that
the worst thing that's going tohappen is probably not as bad
as you think it is.
Also, it's very it's not asprobable that the worst thing
(29:14):
happens.
It's possible, but it's notprobable.
Most of the time it's not theworst case scenario.
It can be bad, but not usuallythe worst.
Michaela Beaver (29:24):
And it's not probably the best.
You're probably not going to goand be the life of the party
and everybody's chanting Laura,Laura, like you're the, you're
the most amazing, right.
Like that's not it, it's notgoing to be that either.
Laura Wood (29:38):
No it's definitely not going to be that.
It's going to be somewhere inthe middle and I'm going to
survive it, and that's the thing.
We have to be okay with feelingawkward.
We have to be okay with feelinghurt or embarrassed or sad,
like those are.
So awkward and embarrassed arereally hard feelings to feel.
(29:58):
I've learned that people do notlike to feel this way.
Michaela Beaver (30:03):
No, because it means something about them.
Laura Wood (30:06):
Ah, okay, like what.
Michaela Beaver (30:09):
One.
I don't like how it makes mefeel physically right, because
those are negative feelings,they're distracting, and then it
means that I'm a loser, itmeans that I'm worthless, it
means that I'll never fit in.
Laura Wood (30:25):
Yikes, okay.
So if it means all that, that'sa big time.
Yeah, that's really bad.
But guess what it doesn't meanany of that about?
Yeah, people are people andthey're going to do peopley
things and they're going to sayand do whatever they say and do,
and that's not about you.
So, like, if I'm somebody whosays mean things to people to
(30:46):
hurt their feelings at parties,that's a thing that I do.
That's not something that I'mdoing because of the person I'm
saying it to.
That's just that I I do.
That's not something that I'mdoing because of the person I'm
saying it to.
That's just that I have thatmood which I don't, by the way.
I don't say mean things topeople at parties.
Michaela Beaver (30:59):
But I think then and also you have to flip
it around and say, like, whydoes that person need to do
those things?
Why do they need to say meanthings at parties?
Well, because they feel awkward, because they feel better about
themselves when they are makingsomeone else be the person
that's awkward, and so it hasmore to do with them than it
(31:19):
does with you.
And the other thing that yousaid that I want to make sure
that we highlight is that youcan handle it.
Our fears and these things makeus feel as though we're not
capable of managing how thatfeels and how terrible that is,
and I can't handle it Right.
(31:40):
But that's not true.
There's plenty of times thatwe've gone through these same
things and we've been able tohandle it and we'll continue to
be able to handle hard things.
It's not fun to do, but wesurvive and we adapt.
Laura Wood (31:56):
Yeah, and we can't avoid the things that make us
feel bad all the time, like wehave to be able to develop
resilience, and the way that wedo that is by facing hard things
and by getting through hardthings and by coming back and
trying to do it again and notgiving up and not thinking that
we can't do it and not, you know, feeling hopeless about it.
(32:21):
We have to be able to say I cando this, I've done it before.
And when that doesn't feel true, channel some kind of like
symbolic resource, right,channel a symbol of something
that is powerful and that maybeis more powerful than you, and
you can sort of draw from thatstrength and power.
(32:42):
That's a symbolic resource thatyou can use, or the best
version of yourself.
Or think of a soundtrack, likethink of a song and like play it
in your head.
That like makes you feel goodat, like your height, music.
You know stuff like that.
Sorry, my dog's barking.
Michaela Beaver (33:01):
Those are all really, really interesting.
I'd not heard of that before.
That's a new, new one to me,and so that's really cool to
think about.
You know, channeling somethingthat's more powerful and helping
you, you know, maybe feel morepowerful as a result.
Laura Wood (33:18):
Yeah, and you can draw from that.
You can suck in that power andbe like okay, I can take some of
this because this all powerfulthing is going to give me a
little bit of what they have andit's going to help me out what
they have and it's going to helpme out.
Michaela Beaver (33:35):
Yeah, that's really cool.
And, from an adult perspective,you know doing my own work in
therapy and things.
I think that you know knowing,knowing and finding ways,
through therapy and your own toto recognize why these things
began in the first place andbeing compassionate to that part
of you that developed that thatfear in the first place.
Right, because I think that youknow we we spend a lot of time
(34:02):
really disliking this part of usand disliking that we can't
just be normal, right, or wecan't just like why did I, why
does, why do I have to respondin this way?
Right, like as part of you know, if you think about, like,
social anxiety, right, andthey're thinking all those
negative things about, you know,being judged or and having all
(34:23):
those negative beliefs aboutthemselves, right, you know you
think about, um, that's not afun thing to experience.
You think, why am I, why am Ilike this, right?
Why do I do this?
Right?
And so, looking in and findingout that, like, this really
happened for a reason.
And you know, kids do thingsdifferently than adults do, they
(34:44):
think about things differentlythan adults do, and so these
strategies were developed inchildhood.
They've been there for a longtime and they were developed for
a reason and it it helped youin that moment.
You may not understand it orreally it doesn't make sense now
as using your adult, you know,fully formed brain, but it did
(35:05):
make sense at a time in yourlife and that, like having that
compassion, can help you kind ofmove through some of that you
know discomfort a little biteasier.
Laura Wood (35:16):
No, you're absolutely right.
That relationship with yourselfand that compassion for
yourself is so incrediblyimportant that if we don't have
that, you know, then we'realways kind of banishing and
like hurting that part of usthat's already feeling negative
and already feeling bad, andthen that's just going to
perpetuate the negativity.
Right?
If we're going against our ownself in those moments, then
(35:39):
we're not going to be able tosee things for the way that they
really are.
We're not going to be able toget into the present and see the
bright side.
As the adult that we are today,that's a really good one.
Michaela Beaver (35:52):
Yeah, anything else that you can think of that
we could do to start having abrighter side, looking at things
on the brighter side.
Laura Wood (36:00):
I think this one is everybody hates this, but
affirmations, okay, likeeverybody gets mad at me when I
tell them to do affirmations,but I promise affirmations
really work.
So we've got our gratitude,we've got being compassionate
toward ourselves, we've gotchallenging our thoughts and
really playing the worst casescenario game.
(36:20):
There's so many different toolsthat we can use mastery
resources, symbolic resources oflike something that just makes
you feel, something you canbelieve a little bit, even if
you don't fully believe it.
You believe it a little bit.
That makes you feel like you'recapable and competent and
you're able to move forward.
So like even if you're justsaying to yourself you know I
(36:43):
can do this, um, I am strong, Iam capable, um, I am stable,
something like even sayingsomething, something as neutral
as like I'm emotionally stable,I'm capable of managing my
emotions.
You know I have power over myemotions, just those basic
(37:05):
things Like.
I know it sounds so silly, butif you say that stuff to
yourself and like go into asituation, you really will have
just a tiny bit more fuel to besuccessful.
Michaela Beaver (37:17):
Yeah, I love that.
And affirmations, mantras, likeall of those things are so
helpful and every you can youhave to, you can re-engage them.
Every time that negativethought comes in, right, like
it's going to happen a lot, thatthought is going to pop a lot.
That thought is going to popback in If you're putting
yourself in in a, in a placewhere you're feeling negative or
(37:38):
you're feeling uncomfortable oryou're having a lot of negative
thoughts like you're going tohave to tell yourself over and
over again some of these thingsand um, but they do like they do
make a difference.
Laura Wood (37:50):
They really do, yeah , so I think we've got lots of
tools to start looking on thebright side.
So this is good, very good,well, so thank you so much for
listening to.
Why Am I Like this?
If you like our show, pleaseleave us a rating and review on
your favorite podcast platform.
Follow the show and share itwith your friends.
This episode was written andproduced by me, laura Wood and
(38:13):
Michaela Beaver.
Our theme song is Making EndsMeet by Thick as Seas, and a
special thanks to BenevaryCounseling and Coaching and
Active Healing PsychiatricServices for sponsoring our show
.
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