November 11, 2024 • 34 mins
Can setting boundaries actually transform your relationships and boost your personal growth? Laura Wood and Michaela Beaver promise to unlock the secrets to mastering healthy boundaries in this episode of "Why Am I Like This?". Dive into a discussion about why so many struggle to set limits and the common misconception that we can control others' actions. Laura and Mishayla delve into the fears that hold us back, like disappointing others and the guilt of asserting our needs, while providing insights into unlearning childhood beliefs that confuse self-care with selfishness.
Expect some practical wisdom as Laura and Michaela explore the role of personal values in defending your boundaries and the potential resistance you might face when doing so. By offering strategies such as using "I feel" statements, they demonstrate how to communicate effectively without triggering defensiveness. The conversation also touches on an optimistic view of human nature, suggesting that most hurtful comments are misguided attempts to help, and how understanding this can ease tensions and foster trust. Their discussion underscores the importance of acknowledging miscommunications to improve relational dynamics.
In challenging relationships, understanding the character of those you engage with can drastically change the game. Laura and Michaela equip you with techniques for respectful communication and self-reflection, ensuring that you maintain your emotional balance and don't mirror negativity. They affirm that boundaries empower us, teaching others how to treat us with dignity while nurturing self-respect and growth. Through relatable examples and a heartfelt dialogue, the episode aims to inspire you to set limits that align with your values and enhance your interactions, paving the way for stronger, healthier relationships.
Laura's Free Course on Emotional Development and Regulation:
https://benavieri.com/neuroception-sign-up/
This show is sponsored by:
Core Self
Benavieri Counseling & Coaching
www.benavieri.com
Active Healing Psychiatric Services
www.activehealingpsych.com
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Laura (00:00):
Hello and welcome to.
Why Am I Like this?
The podcast for those whodidn't get enough hugs as a
child?
I'm Laura Wood and I'm a traumatherapist.
Michaela (00:09):
And I'm M Beaver.
I'm a psychiatric nursepractitioner.
Laura (00:13):
So, M, why are we doing this podcast?
Michaela (00:17):
I'm so glad you asked.
We want to help you understandyourself a little bit better how
the things that you learnedabout yourself and the world and
childhood are still affectingyou today.
We want to figure out why arewe like this, those random
things about ourselves that wemight wonder about, like why am
I so jumpy?
Why am I so anxious?
Why do I take everythingpersonally?
(00:39):
Why are my thoughts so negative?
Why do I feel like I have tofix everything all the time?
Laura (00:46):
Yes, and we are talking about boundaries today.
We're going to try to answerthe following questions why do I
feel like people keep takingadvantage of me?
How do I learn to say no, andhow do boundaries actually help
us in relationships?
So let's get into it.
Why do I feel like people aretaking advantage of me?
(01:08):
Why does it seem like that?
Michaela (01:11):
So that's a really good question.
I think that it can really feellike people are taking
advantage of us when we don'thave good boundaries.
I think that you know, we tryto set limits and it's really
hard.
It doesn't feel good because wefeel like someone's going to be
(01:34):
mad at us and that doesn't feelgood.
We want everybody to like usand lately we've talked about
that before that we want to beliked most of us and you know, I
(02:07):
think that when it comes toletting people down or making
people feel like people feelhurt or we're afraid that we're
going to lose somebody, we kindof back away and we let things
get by and let things get by andbefore we know it, we're
miserable and we feel likeeverybody's taking advantage of
us and that we're giving morethan we're getting in that
relationship.
Laura (02:14):
Yeah for sure.
We're giving and giving andgiving and not getting anything
in return, and that makes usfeel yucky and it makes us feel
like, why do I?
Why am I the only one who'strying to be there for this
other person?
Like, I am trying to be therefor this other person but really
it's in order to get my ownneeds met.
(02:35):
I think that if I'm going to bein this relationship and I'm
going to show up for this person, that means they're going to
show up for me in the same way,and so it's sort of a
reenactment that we're trying toinitiate.
We're trying to control anotherperson's behavior with our
behavior.
You know, I hear all the timewhen people say, well, I would
(02:56):
never do that to anyone else, sothey shouldn't do that to me,
right?
That is that indicates that mybehavior is somehow going to
control your behavior.
Like, just because I wouldn'tdo it to them doesn't mean that
they wouldn't do it to me, andit doesn't really.
Their behavior doesn't haveanything to do with me, right?
And it's hard to remember thatfact.
(03:18):
It's hard to remember that wecan't control other people, and
other people are doing thingsthat they would do based on
their character and theirpersonality, and if we don't
want them to behave that way, wehave to set a boundary.
We can't just keep giving andgiving and giving, expecting
them to maybe read our minds andeventually like follow suit
(03:49):
eventually, like, follow suit.
Michaela (03:50):
Yeah, I think that you know, when we are allowing
people into our lives, we'reproviding them with a level of
access to us, our emotions, toour, our stories and the things
that are going on for us, likewe're letting them in and we're
we're being vulnerable with them, right, and sometimes people
(04:11):
don't deserve or haven't earnedthat level of vulnerability, and
that's when they can takeadvantage of our kindness, or
maybe they talk about whateverwe told them to other people,
and so, you know, we don't.
Sometimes.
(04:31):
You know, we, we trust people.
We don't really know that wecan trust them yet, but yet we,
we, we give them this, thislevel of vulnerability that we,
they really haven't, theyhaven't really earned it, right,
and so it's fine to do that,right, but once they break that
confidence, then that's the timethat you have to decide okay,
(04:56):
do I want to keep telling themmy secrets, you know?
Do I want to give them thatvulnerability?
Or maybe I should say, okay,I'm going to be more cautious
about what I'm going to tell you.
Right, that's a boundary thatyou're setting with that person.
Laura (05:15):
Yeah, oversharing is a sign of porous boundaries.
You know the person who tellstheir whole life story to
anybody who will listen.
Or you know the person whoshares all of their trauma and
gets caught in all the detailsand is kind of going on and on
about it.
Those are examples of porousboundaries, and a lot of times
we're looking to be heard, we'relooking to be understood, we're
(05:37):
looking to be attuned to andwe're not going to the right
people for that right Like wedon't have it, we haven't
established that healthy of arelationship with that person,
and so it's too much, too soon.
That's an example of not havinga healthy boundary Sure.
Michaela (05:54):
And so when we set a boundary, I think that the
biggest thing is is that peopleare fearing If I say no.
Are they?
What are they going to thinkabout me?
What does that mean about me ifI say no?
So how do I?
Laura (06:12):
be selfish.
Michaela (06:13):
Yeah, and I think you know that's definitely something
that we learned as children,right?
I'm responsible for youremotions, I can't let you down.
If I don't share all my stuff,then I'm not being a good friend
(06:35):
, right?
And so how do we learn asadults how to not listen to
those old things that we learnedand to learn how to say no?
Laura (06:48):
I think it's really hard, depending on the people that we
have in our lives, like,depending on how deep these
relationships go and how much wehave depended on the people,
that we're now trying to changethose boundaries with right,
like sometimes people don't likechange, and so when we start to
assert ourselves and set newboundaries, people can get upset
(07:08):
by that, they can get mad, theycan get hurt, they can be
offended, they can completely,you know, disrespect our
boundaries.
That's something that we have toaccept as part of the deal.
So we have to learn to beindependent and autonomous
instead of dependent on thepeople that we're sort of around
(07:32):
all the time.
So if it's a parent, let's say,even as an adult, if it's a
parent who is not respecting myboundaries and when I say no,
they're insistent or they justbulldoze past me and they do
whatever they want and theydon't listen to what I say, like
that's not okay.
And so we have to recognizewhat's a violation of our
boundary and we have to knowwhat our boundaries are, and
(07:54):
then we can say no in a kind way, and we can say no because we
respect ourselves, and we cansay no because we respect our
own needs, and so I think a lotof it is, I think it's values.
Michaela (08:08):
Yeah, so how do we know where our boundaries are?
Like, what would be a sign thatthis is a boundary that I would
want to set, because myboundaries are maybe different
than your boundaries?
Laura (08:19):
Yeah, I think it starts with values again, Like when we
go into a relationship and wesay, okay, this is okay for me
and this is not okay for me.
Sometimes we have to actuallydefine our values and learn new
things about ourselves and aboutthe world and about the way
that people are allowed to treatus and the way that people are
not allowed to treat us, Like,for example I've talked about
(08:40):
this before but learning thatyou have the right to say no and
that if somebody gets hurt,that's okay, I think that's new
information for a lot of people.
Like, I think a lot of the timewhen we say no, we want that
other person to be okay with itand they're not always and
that's okay.
We have to recognize that it'snot reasonable for us to in any
(09:02):
relationship.
It's not reasonable for us tonever hurt that other person or
to never be hurt by that otherperson or to never have any kind
of misunderstanding ordisagreement.
We have to recognize that thoseconflicts are not negative in
nature.
They're just part of arelationship and that we can
continue in that relationship,even if there's been like a
breach of trust or potentially anew boundary set or something
(09:28):
that's happened that makes usupset or sad or hurt.
We can still go forward in thatrelationship.
I think we don't always knowthat.
Michaela (09:38):
Absolutely to know that if someone you know hurts
our feelings, like you know,they come over and tell us that
we didn't.
Oh man, your house is dirty,you need to dust, right.
They come in our house and they, you know, say things like that
and we don't want to be treatedin that way.
(10:02):
Right, and this is a simpleexample, but, like in that, that
hurt our feelings and we don'twant to be treated in that way.
Right, and this is a simpleexample, but, like in that, that
hurt our feelings and we don'tdeserve to be treated in a way.
And so we can ask them, youknow, we can tell them how they
made us feel, you know, or wecan just decide not to have them
come to our house anymore.
Laura (10:22):
Yeah, I mean, how does that sound?
How do we?
What do we say to that personthat hurt our feelings?
What kinds of words do we use?
Well, I think.
Michaela (10:33):
I feel.
Right, nobody can argue withthe way that you feel.
It's your feelings.
They're valid, no matter what.
They may not agree with it.
They may have a totallydifferent perspective of the
situation, and that's okay,right?
They don't have to.
They don't have to respond bysaying, oh my gosh, I'm um, I
(10:54):
didn't say that.
I didn't mean to hurt or likethey didn't.
They don't.
They're going to come back andbe defensive, right?
So they're going to be like Ididn't say that.
Why would you take that out ofcontext?
Or, you know, blow it.
(11:14):
You know they're going to fightback, right, where, if I say,
hey, I felt really sad and hurtthat you, you know, said that
about my clothes and that didn'tmake me feel very good, and
they can come back and say, hey,I'm really sorry, I didn't mean
to make you feel that way.
Right, they're not accepting orlike saying that they did
something wrong or that they'rebad because they did this thing.
They can say, oh, I'm sorry,that wasn't my intention, that
(11:36):
wasn't how I perceived thesituation, because sometimes
that's what happens.
It's just a miscommunication.
Nobody was intending to harmthe other person.
Laura (11:45):
Yeah, I think that's most of the time what happens.
We're not usually trying tohurt the other person.
Most people aren't justinconsiderate jerks for no
reason, like they're.
Most of the time we don't think, or we are just caught up in
something, or we're trying to behelpful and we say something
that might be a little bithurtful.
Instead, like, for example hey,do you want me to dust your
(12:08):
living room Because it's superdusty?
Like that could hurt somebody'sfeelings.
Right, but I'm trying to behelpful.
I'm trying to say like oh, maybeyou didn't notice that it was
like this, or maybe becausesometimes we get caught up with
things and we don't notice howbad it's gotten, and so I'm
trying to help you by tellingyou you know, when we are
(12:32):
thinking about boundaries fromthis is just within
relationships we're talkingabout boundaries that help us
communicate better.
But sometimes we have to say no, I can't spend time with you
right now.
Sometimes we have to havedistance or we have to have our
own space, like I can't be therein this context for you anymore
(12:53):
, and so that could be a littlebit harder to say no, like if
somebody is asking you to go dosomething and you don't want to
right.
You can say no just because youdon't want to.
You don't have to have a reason.
Michaela (13:07):
That's absolutely true and I think that you, it could
go either way, right?
You can say that you, it couldgo either way, right.
You can say hey, I reallyappreciate you as a human being.
However, I think it's best forme and my mental health in this
time if we take some space.
You know, and I'm going througha lot right now and I just need
(13:31):
some space and I'll reach outwhen I'm ready.
Yeah, you know, and so then youcan take that space without
being blamey or putting makingthem feel shameful.
It's really about what yourneeds are, and if they press you
, you don't have to give themany response or any answer or
any explanation until you kindof worked it out.
Laura (13:52):
Yeah, another way to notice if you maybe don't have
super strong boundaries is ifyou feel like you have to
justify your behavior all thetime.
You know, if every time you saysomething you have to justify
it, that might say that mightmean that your boundaries aren't
firm or they're not healthy,because you're worried about
(14:12):
what the other person, how theother person, is going to
receive everything that you doand say, and so you're focusing
really on controlling theirresponse than you are on
actually expressing your trueneeds and your experience and
respecting Respecting yourself.
Michaela (14:32):
Yeah, and I think you know that's hard.
I you know.
I would wonder if somebody thathad the need to over-explain
themselves.
You know that they had aprevious relationship where they
felt like they were walking oneggshells all the time, right
when they were, you know,constantly getting in trouble
(14:53):
for every little thing that theydid they could.
They felt like they couldn't doanything right.
So you know they probably have,because they don't have firmed
up boundaries.
They probably have hadexperiences where people didn't
treat them very well.
Laura (15:10):
Now I can think of examples from childhood that if
you were not given very muchcredit for your experience, or
given the right to have anexperience without justifying
yourself, but just to be, if youweren't allowed to just be
yourself and exist andeverything was criticized and
(15:31):
everything was critiqued,everything was criticized and
everything was critiqued.
You know, when we have parentswho are hypercritical, we often
grow up to be defensive and onedge all the time and then we're
going to defend ourselves andjustify our behavior and we're
not going to have those firmboundaries to say no, I'm just
not interested in going to thatmovie right now, you know, but I
(15:52):
will catch you next time, orwhatever Right.
And going to that movie rightnow, you know, but I will catch
you next time, or whatever right, like we have to think about
all these different ways that wecan say no, um, and make it,
you know, justifiable.
Michaela (16:03):
Right.
But if you tell me that you'renot going to come to the movies
with me, I'm allowed to feel sadand disappointed, right, my
feelings are valid as well.
But I as a human being, youknow, need to treat and respect
you and not yell at you and say,well, we just can't be friends,
(16:26):
I guess, right?
So someone who you know isfighting against those
boundaries might be mad at youand might not want to talk to
you for a while or, you know,say something rude or talk about
you behind your back to otherpeople, right?
So how would somebody handlethat if that happens to them?
(16:48):
Because we're asking them toset boundaries and in setting
boundaries there can cause someconflict and that can cause some
anxiety in them to try tohandle these things.
So what would you recommend forthem?
Laura (17:02):
You know, I usually try to think about the person's
character who we're talkingabout, right?
So, for example, if I'm sayingno to you, I'm going to think
about your character.
Are you somebody who is goingto be mean to me because you
didn't get your way?
Are you somebody who's going tohurt me because your feelings
(17:24):
got hurt, right?
So I'm trying to think about,like, who are you as a person
and give you credit for that forthe benefit of the doubt.
Like that way, I don't have asmuch anxiety when I'm about to
tell you no or no, thank you,whatever.
And so if you are a person who'sgoing to behave that way, then
I can know well, that's just howyou handle it when you get
(17:48):
upset.
So if I know that somebody inmy life handles things badly
when they get upset, then I alsoknow that that's not my fault,
and so I can say to myselfthat's on them to respond
appropriately.
As long as I'm doing my partand communicating effectively
and being, you know, an honestand considerate person, then the
(18:15):
other person in thisrelationship is responsible to
be honest and considerate aswell and not be, you know, not
hurt me because they got hurt,not lash out or be defensive,
and if they are, then I knowthat's about them, that's their
stuff.
Michaela (18:29):
Yeah, that's a great point.
And then you're knowing thatahead of time.
And then I think, like you know, if that person were to start
getting frustrated with meraising their voice, I would say
, hey, I would like to talkabout this again with you, but I
want to do it in a time thatyou're calm and that we can have
(18:51):
a, you know, respectfulconversation with each other.
So I do want to finish thisconversation, but I feel like we
need to both be respectful ofeach other, and so let's calm
down first, and then we can talkabout it later.
And then, if you know youseparate ways, you get off the
phone, whatever that looks like,and then, if they continue to
act in an unhealthy way, youjust don't communicate, you
(19:12):
don't respond back, right,because they can send you book
long text messages of horriblethings and be swearing at you
and really, really, really upsetthat they're not getting their
way and that it's distressingfor them because they're not
able to handle their emotions,they're not in control of their
nervous system, and and and thisis the only way that they know.
(19:37):
They think that they're goingto feel better if they get this
out there, right, they just needto take it out on other people
to feel better and you don'thave to engage with that, right,
you can just ignore it.
You can just wait till itpasses and or, or or you know
block their phone number for aminute, right, like you don't
(19:58):
have to engage in it.
Because the more you engage init, the worse you're going to
feel and the more that it'sgoing to prolong their anger.
Laura (20:04):
In this, in the situation , I think One phrase that comes
to mind is hey, I understandyou're upset, but it's not okay
to talk to me that way, right?
And when we are engaging withsomebody who is screaming and
yelling or name calling, like,that's not okay, you know, and I
(20:26):
need to make sure that I'm notdoing that, also Right?
So how am I behaving when myfeelings are hurt?
Am I lashing out?
Am I hurting others?
If that's the case, then I needto make sure that I'm working
on myself and I'm.
When my feelings are hurt, am Ilashing out?
Am I hurting others?
If that's the case, then I needto make sure that I'm working
on myself and I'm doing my ownwork to have the control of
myself that I need in order totreat people well.
But we all need to learn how toregulate our own nervous system
(20:51):
so that we can treat people theway they deserve to be treated
to regulate our own nervoussystem so that we can treat
people the way they deserve tobe treated.
Michaela (21:02):
I like how you that phrase, because I think that
it's very direct, right Likeit's.
It's very confident, it's verydirect.
You're being very clear as well, so I think that that's really
good and, you know, for peoplethat are listening, that might
be people that don't havecontrol of their nervous system,
this isn't anything bad aboutyou.
This is just an opportunity foryou to learn that you can
(21:25):
actually control.
You know your response in thesesituations.
It's something that you have tolearn how to do, and it's not
easy.
This is something that can bevery challenging.
Maybe you had a parent thatresponded that way.
You know that was veryemotionally reactive and you've
learned to respond in that way.
Maybe you have a trauma historyand this is just a response to
(21:49):
trauma, and so you know I don'twant anybody to feel like we're
picking on them or that we'recalling them out and they're
going to feel bad, because thisis a way that they might respond
.
I think we've all responded ina bad way before, in a in a not
unhealthy way I should say rightIn an unhealthy way in the past
, and so you know it it takesskills and practice to learn how
(22:15):
to regulate your nervous systemwhen things are difficult.
Laura (22:21):
And we have to know that we're not dependent on our
relationships.
We're not dependent on thepeople that we're talking to.
We're not beholden to them,we're not required to make them
happy all the time.
We're not required to make themhappy all the time.
We are ourselves responsiblefor our own individual safety
and security and autonomy andour own stuff.
(22:45):
If every single person took careof themselves, then we wouldn't
probably be hurting others.
If every single person was ableto have the respect for
themselves to say no when theyneeded to, and if every single
person practiced healthyboundaries and had the boundary
that they're not going to treatothers in an abusive way and
(23:09):
they're not going to tolerateothers treating them in an
abusive way, you know, if we'repaying attention and helping
ourselves, the world would be alot different place.
And when I say that peoplethink well, but that's selfish,
right, like that's selfish toonly take care of yourself, to
only think of yourself and I'mnot saying to be inconsiderate
(23:31):
and selfish I'm saying that yourpriority and your primary
responsibility is to care foryourself.
Michaela (23:40):
Well, you're only able to control one human being
Right In your life.
The only human being that youhave control over and can manage
the responses of is yourself.
Laura (23:52):
That's right.
Manage the responses of isyourself, that's right.
So having having thatresponsibility, knowing that you
have that responsibility,paying attention to controlling
yourself, paying attention toyour own responses and making
sure that you're respectingyourself first and you're
respecting the others around you, is going to go a long way.
Michaela (24:14):
Yeah, 100%, that makes a lot of sense.
So in what other ways doboundaries help us in
relationships?
Is there anything else that itdoes for us?
Laura (24:27):
Well, in relationships, boundaries help us teach others
how to treat us and they teachothers how to how we are.
Basically, if we treatourselves the way we deserve to
be treated and part of thatmeans standing up for ourselves
and being true to ourselves whensomething's not okay then we're
(24:48):
teaching others that they needto treat us with respect and
dignity.
And if they're unwilling totreat us with respect and
dignity and if they're unwillingto treat us with respect and
dignity, then we're saying, hey,that's not okay.
I'm, you know, a boundary isdifferent than a rule.
I'm not saying, hey, you haveto be perfectly well regulated
in order to interact with me,but I am saying that if you
(25:09):
start to hurt me or be you know,behave in a way that is like
violent, emotionally orphysically or whatever, I'm
going to stop and say this isn'tokay to treat me this way.
I'm going to walk away untilwe're going to agree to walk
away, until we are in a placewhere we can be respectful to
(25:30):
one another.
That's respecting therelationship, that's respecting
each other.
I'm also going to say, you know,if my boundary is that, let's
say cigarette, smoke orsomething, let's say my boundary
is that I don't want to bearound you when you're smoking
cigarettes.
I'm not saying you can't smokecigarettes, right, right, I'm
not making a rule for your life.
(25:51):
I'm saying when you smokecigarettes, I'm going to go
inside, right, because I don'twant to be around cigarette
smoke.
That's my choice.
And so that person is going tosay, ok, well, I still want to
smoke cigarettes, so I'm goingto smoke a cigarette outside.
And that just means we'relimiting our time together
because of both of our choicesmy choice to not be around it
and their choice to be a smoker.
Right, to not be around it andtheir choice to be a smoker,
(26:13):
right.
It's not the same as saying,well, you can't do this in order
to be with me.
You know what I mean.
Michaela (26:27):
That makes me think of something that somebody said is
that boundaries are for us,they're not for other people.
So, like you said, you're notcreating a rule.
I'm not saying, hey, you can'tdo this or you can't be with me,
right, like you have to do thisor you can't be with me, that's
like for another person.
But you're saying this is forme, right, it's not, it's
(26:47):
something that I need for me,it's about me and so, like
they're, the boundaries are forus yeah, they're a rule that we
make for ourselves, notsomething that we make for
another person.
Laura (27:01):
So you know, when we're on a diet or something and
somebody wants to go get icecream, I might say, you know, I
really can't handle thetemptation right now, so I'm
just going to sit this one out,I'm not going to go get ice
cream.
I might say, you know, I reallycan't handle the temptation
right now, so I'm just going tosit this one out, I'm not going
to go get ice cream, right.
So that's a thing for me.
I'm not saying, well, you can'thave ice cream because I'm on a
diet, and that's kind of anoversimplified example, but it's
(27:27):
one that applies in many, manydifferent contexts.
Michaela (27:33):
Yeah, so one of the more complicated boundaries that
sometimes people have to setlike is when we have to take
people out of our lifealtogether.
And so I think, like when youknow there's this misnomer that
(27:55):
when, like they're when we inmental health, when we talk
about setting boundaries, itmeans just kicking people out of
our lives.
You know well, you just don'thave people in your life and
it's it's really the opposite.
But there are times where youknow you have to figure out if
someone is, if they're not ableto follow the boundaries that
(28:15):
you're setting, and they'reconstantly crossing them.
You know, maybe they're, maybeit's something with your kids,
or you know they're, they're notbeing respectful of the limits
that you've set with them, oryou know they're constantly
(28:38):
berating you and treating you ina bad way passive, aggressive,
you know and they keep crossingthe boundaries.
You know, sometimes there is atime that you want to take a
step back from people and that'shard you want to take a step
back from people, and and that'shard, yeah, it can be really
difficult.
Laura (28:58):
You know, I think primarily boundaries are
designed to keep relationshipssafe, right, and so when a
relationship is no longer safe,it's okay to say I just don't
think this relationship ishealthy for me.
You know, we can say these arethe boundaries that I need in
order to make this relationshipsafe.
Like it's not okay to call menames, it's not okay to berate
(29:18):
me, it's not okay to scream andyell, it's not okay to
physically hurt me, and if thosethings are still happening,
then I can say I can't be inthis relationship.
If those things are going tocontinue to happen, right, I can
say that this relationship isno longer safe for me.
Michaela (29:36):
Right, but for the most part, that's not what
boundaries are trying to do.
They're trying to keep therelationship safe, which is
primarily what they're meant forso that we can feel happy in
the relationships that we have,so that we don't feel drained by
them, that we're not feelinglike we're being taken advantage
(29:57):
of, that we're able to live ourtruths and people respect us.
Laura (30:05):
Yeah, I think we want to, and I keep going back to this
relationship with ourself.
We have to respect ourselves inorder to ensure that others will
respect us too, and the reasonwhy I say that is not because
our self-respect controlsanother person's behavior, but
it gives us the strength that weneed to say no and to say
(30:26):
that's not okay.
I deserve better than that, andI think some of this the way
that we phrase these things, theI statements, the making sure
that we're talking aboutourselves and not accusing the
other person of violatingsomething right, like, I'm
saying, hey, I feel this way,this is not okay for me, and so
(30:49):
I need to change this situation.
We're using language that isabout us and not about the other
person's bad behavior, becausewe're separating the person from
the problem too.
We're separating the personfrom the behavior.
I'm not saying you know, you'rea total monster.
I'm saying, hey, this isn'tsafe for me.
I need to move away from thisrelationship, right, and there's
(31:12):
a big difference in that fromthis relationship, right, like
and there's a big difference inthat, and I think that's part of
respecting ourself andrespecting another person's
autonomy and saying, like, Ihaven't been able to get you to
change your behavior, and so Ihave to do this for me, right.
Michaela (31:27):
Well, and I think that you know, sometimes it can be
really hard for people to be ina place where they feel like
they can be safe on their own.
That can be really challenging.
They they fear isolation, theyfear letting people go, they
(31:47):
feel fear people leaving them.
And so you know, if you're oneof those people that don't feel
like you know your own self-loveand confidence in yourself,
that, no matter what happens,whether this relationship works
or it doesn't work, I'm going tobe okay because I'm good, I
(32:09):
love me, I'm enough.
And until you can get to thatplace, some of this stuff is
going to be really hard, and soyou might.
Before you can start settinghealthy boundaries, maybe you
need to reach out to a therapistto try to learn what those
boundaries are for you, whatyour values are, how to become
(32:29):
more confident in knowing thatyou deserve those things and
that you are okay even on yourown.
Laura (32:37):
I completely agree with that.
I think you're absolutely right.
We have to be okay on our ownfirst.
Healthy relationships are withpeople who are relatively
healthy individuals.
First right.
We don't have to be perfectlyhealthy to have a healthy
relationship.
We don't have to be perfectlyhealed in order to have a
healthy relationship, but wehave to at least have a starting
(32:58):
point for healing and we haveto at least have a starting
point for a sense of ourself inorder to really have a
relationship that's healthy andthriving, because it starts with
a relationship with ourself.
Michaela (33:15):
Yeah, a hundred percent.
Laura (33:18):
Well, on that positive note, I think that this is a
really good place to leave it.
Any final words on ourboundaries and how to gain the
confidence to be on our own, howto gain the confidence to be on
our own.
Michaela (33:33):
Start small.
You don't have to set everysingle boundary, day one.
So pick like one thing that'slike a deal breaker thing right
and practice with it.
Practice with your one personyou know, and start small and
just set.
Start setting a boundary to letpeople know how you want to be
(33:54):
treated and then see how thatfeels.
Laura (33:57):
I love that.
I think that's great advice,thank you.
So thank you for listening towhy am I like this?
If you like our show, pleaseleave us a rating and review on
your favorite podcast platform,follow the show and share it
with friends.
This episode was written andproduced by me, laura Wood and
Michaela Beaver.
Our theme song is Making EndsMeet by Thick as Thieves, and a
(34:21):
special thanks to BenavieriCounseling and Coaching and
Active Healing PsychiatricServices for sponsoring this
show.
Hello and welcome to.
Why Am I Like this?
The podcast for those whodidn't get enough hugs as a
child?
I'm Laura Wood and I'm a traumatherapist.
Michaela (00:09):
And I'm M Beaver.
I'm a psychiatric nursepractitioner.
Laura (00:13):
So, M, why are we doing this podcast?
Michaela (00:17):
I'm so glad you asked.
We want to help you understandyourself a little bit better how
the things that you learnedabout yourself and the world and
childhood are still affectingyou today.
We want to figure out why arewe like this, those random
things about ourselves that wemight wonder about, like why am
I so jumpy?
Why am I so anxious?
Why do I take everythingpersonally?
(00:39):
Why are my thoughts so negative?
Why do I feel like I have tofix everything all the time?
Laura (00:46):
Yes, and we are talking about boundaries today.
We're going to try to answerthe following questions why do I
feel like people keep takingadvantage of me?
How do I learn to say no, andhow do boundaries actually help
us in relationships?
So let's get into it.
Why do I feel like people aretaking advantage of me?
(01:08):
Why does it seem like that?
Michaela (01:11):
So that's a really good question.
I think that it can really feellike people are taking
advantage of us when we don'thave good boundaries.
I think that you know, we tryto set limits and it's really
hard.
It doesn't feel good because wefeel like someone's going to be
(01:34):
mad at us and that doesn't feelgood.
We want everybody to like usand lately we've talked about
that before that we want to beliked most of us and you know, I
(02:07):
think that when it comes toletting people down or making
people feel like people feelhurt or we're afraid that we're
going to lose somebody, we kindof back away and we let things
get by and let things get by andbefore we know it, we're
miserable and we feel likeeverybody's taking advantage of
us and that we're giving morethan we're getting in that
relationship.
Laura (02:14):
Yeah for sure.
We're giving and giving andgiving and not getting anything
in return, and that makes usfeel yucky and it makes us feel
like, why do I?
Why am I the only one who'strying to be there for this
other person?
Like, I am trying to be therefor this other person but really
it's in order to get my ownneeds met.
(02:35):
I think that if I'm going to bein this relationship and I'm
going to show up for this person, that means they're going to
show up for me in the same way,and so it's sort of a
reenactment that we're trying toinitiate.
We're trying to control anotherperson's behavior with our
behavior.
You know, I hear all the timewhen people say, well, I would
(02:56):
never do that to anyone else, sothey shouldn't do that to me,
right?
That is that indicates that mybehavior is somehow going to
control your behavior.
Like, just because I wouldn'tdo it to them doesn't mean that
they wouldn't do it to me, andit doesn't really.
Their behavior doesn't haveanything to do with me, right?
And it's hard to remember thatfact.
(03:18):
It's hard to remember that wecan't control other people, and
other people are doing thingsthat they would do based on
their character and theirpersonality, and if we don't
want them to behave that way, wehave to set a boundary.
We can't just keep giving andgiving and giving, expecting
them to maybe read our minds andeventually like follow suit
(03:49):
eventually, like, follow suit.
Michaela (03:50):
Yeah, I think that you know, when we are allowing
people into our lives, we'reproviding them with a level of
access to us, our emotions, toour, our stories and the things
that are going on for us, likewe're letting them in and we're
we're being vulnerable with them, right, and sometimes people
(04:11):
don't deserve or haven't earnedthat level of vulnerability, and
that's when they can takeadvantage of our kindness, or
maybe they talk about whateverwe told them to other people,
and so, you know, we don't.
Sometimes.
(04:31):
You know, we, we trust people.
We don't really know that wecan trust them yet, but yet we,
we, we give them this, thislevel of vulnerability that we,
they really haven't, theyhaven't really earned it, right,
and so it's fine to do that,right, but once they break that
confidence, then that's the timethat you have to decide okay,
(04:56):
do I want to keep telling themmy secrets, you know?
Do I want to give them thatvulnerability?
Or maybe I should say, okay,I'm going to be more cautious
about what I'm going to tell you.
Right, that's a boundary thatyou're setting with that person.
Laura (05:15):
Yeah, oversharing is a sign of porous boundaries.
You know the person who tellstheir whole life story to
anybody who will listen.
Or you know the person whoshares all of their trauma and
gets caught in all the detailsand is kind of going on and on
about it.
Those are examples of porousboundaries, and a lot of times
we're looking to be heard, we'relooking to be understood, we're
(05:37):
looking to be attuned to andwe're not going to the right
people for that right Like wedon't have it, we haven't
established that healthy of arelationship with that person,
and so it's too much, too soon.
That's an example of not havinga healthy boundary Sure.
Michaela (05:54):
And so when we set a boundary, I think that the
biggest thing is is that peopleare fearing If I say no.
Are they?
What are they going to thinkabout me?
What does that mean about me ifI say no?
So how do I?
Laura (06:12):
be selfish.
Michaela (06:13):
Yeah, and I think you know that's definitely something
that we learned as children,right?
I'm responsible for youremotions, I can't let you down.
If I don't share all my stuff,then I'm not being a good friend
(06:35):
, right?
And so how do we learn asadults how to not listen to
those old things that we learnedand to learn how to say no?
Laura (06:48):
I think it's really hard, depending on the people that we
have in our lives, like,depending on how deep these
relationships go and how much wehave depended on the people,
that we're now trying to changethose boundaries with right,
like sometimes people don't likechange, and so when we start to
assert ourselves and set newboundaries, people can get upset
(07:08):
by that, they can get mad, theycan get hurt, they can be
offended, they can completely,you know, disrespect our
boundaries.
That's something that we have toaccept as part of the deal.
So we have to learn to beindependent and autonomous
instead of dependent on thepeople that we're sort of around
(07:32):
all the time.
So if it's a parent, let's say,even as an adult, if it's a
parent who is not respecting myboundaries and when I say no,
they're insistent or they justbulldoze past me and they do
whatever they want and theydon't listen to what I say, like
that's not okay.
And so we have to recognizewhat's a violation of our
boundary and we have to knowwhat our boundaries are, and
(07:54):
then we can say no in a kind way, and we can say no because we
respect ourselves, and we cansay no because we respect our
own needs, and so I think a lotof it is, I think it's values.
Michaela (08:08):
Yeah, so how do we know where our boundaries are?
Like, what would be a sign thatthis is a boundary that I would
want to set, because myboundaries are maybe different
than your boundaries?
Laura (08:19):
Yeah, I think it starts with values again, Like when we
go into a relationship and wesay, okay, this is okay for me
and this is not okay for me.
Sometimes we have to actuallydefine our values and learn new
things about ourselves and aboutthe world and about the way
that people are allowed to treatus and the way that people are
not allowed to treat us, Like,for example I've talked about
(08:40):
this before but learning thatyou have the right to say no and
that if somebody gets hurt,that's okay, I think that's new
information for a lot of people.
Like, I think a lot of the timewhen we say no, we want that
other person to be okay with itand they're not always and
that's okay.
We have to recognize that it'snot reasonable for us to in any
(09:02):
relationship.
It's not reasonable for us tonever hurt that other person or
to never be hurt by that otherperson or to never have any kind
of misunderstanding ordisagreement.
We have to recognize that thoseconflicts are not negative in
nature.
They're just part of arelationship and that we can
continue in that relationship,even if there's been like a
breach of trust or potentially anew boundary set or something
(09:28):
that's happened that makes usupset or sad or hurt.
We can still go forward in thatrelationship.
I think we don't always knowthat.
Michaela (09:38):
Absolutely to know that if someone you know hurts
our feelings, like you know,they come over and tell us that
we didn't.
Oh man, your house is dirty,you need to dust, right.
They come in our house and they, you know, say things like that
and we don't want to be treatedin that way.
(10:02):
Right, and this is a simpleexample, but, like in that, that
hurt our feelings and we don'twant to be treated in that way.
Right, and this is a simpleexample, but, like in that, that
hurt our feelings and we don'tdeserve to be treated in a way.
And so we can ask them, youknow, we can tell them how they
made us feel, you know, or wecan just decide not to have them
come to our house anymore.
Laura (10:22):
Yeah, I mean, how does that sound?
How do we?
What do we say to that personthat hurt our feelings?
What kinds of words do we use?
Well, I think.
Michaela (10:33):
I feel.
Right, nobody can argue withthe way that you feel.
It's your feelings.
They're valid, no matter what.
They may not agree with it.
They may have a totallydifferent perspective of the
situation, and that's okay,right?
They don't have to.
They don't have to respond bysaying, oh my gosh, I'm um, I
(10:54):
didn't say that.
I didn't mean to hurt or likethey didn't.
They don't.
They're going to come back andbe defensive, right?
So they're going to be like Ididn't say that.
Why would you take that out ofcontext?
Or, you know, blow it.
(11:14):
You know they're going to fightback, right, where, if I say,
hey, I felt really sad and hurtthat you, you know, said that
about my clothes and that didn'tmake me feel very good, and
they can come back and say, hey,I'm really sorry, I didn't mean
to make you feel that way.
Right, they're not accepting orlike saying that they did
something wrong or that they'rebad because they did this thing.
They can say, oh, I'm sorry,that wasn't my intention, that
(11:36):
wasn't how I perceived thesituation, because sometimes
that's what happens.
It's just a miscommunication.
Nobody was intending to harmthe other person.
Laura (11:45):
Yeah, I think that's most of the time what happens.
We're not usually trying tohurt the other person.
Most people aren't justinconsiderate jerks for no
reason, like they're.
Most of the time we don't think, or we are just caught up in
something, or we're trying to behelpful and we say something
that might be a little bithurtful.
Instead, like, for example hey,do you want me to dust your
(12:08):
living room Because it's superdusty?
Like that could hurt somebody'sfeelings.
Right, but I'm trying to behelpful.
I'm trying to say like oh, maybeyou didn't notice that it was
like this, or maybe becausesometimes we get caught up with
things and we don't notice howbad it's gotten, and so I'm
trying to help you by tellingyou you know, when we are
(12:32):
thinking about boundaries fromthis is just within
relationships we're talkingabout boundaries that help us
communicate better.
But sometimes we have to say no, I can't spend time with you
right now.
Sometimes we have to havedistance or we have to have our
own space, like I can't be therein this context for you anymore
(12:53):
, and so that could be a littlebit harder to say no, like if
somebody is asking you to go dosomething and you don't want to
right.
You can say no just because youdon't want to.
You don't have to have a reason.
Michaela (13:07):
That's absolutely true and I think that you, it could
go either way, right?
You can say that you, it couldgo either way, right.
You can say hey, I reallyappreciate you as a human being.
However, I think it's best forme and my mental health in this
time if we take some space.
You know, and I'm going througha lot right now and I just need
(13:31):
some space and I'll reach outwhen I'm ready.
Yeah, you know, and so then youcan take that space without
being blamey or putting makingthem feel shameful.
It's really about what yourneeds are, and if they press you
, you don't have to give themany response or any answer or
any explanation until you kindof worked it out.
Laura (13:52):
Yeah, another way to notice if you maybe don't have
super strong boundaries is ifyou feel like you have to
justify your behavior all thetime.
You know, if every time you saysomething you have to justify
it, that might say that mightmean that your boundaries aren't
firm or they're not healthy,because you're worried about
(14:12):
what the other person, how theother person, is going to
receive everything that you doand say, and so you're focusing
really on controlling theirresponse than you are on
actually expressing your trueneeds and your experience and
respecting Respecting yourself.
Michaela (14:32):
Yeah, and I think you know that's hard.
I you know.
I would wonder if somebody thathad the need to over-explain
themselves.
You know that they had aprevious relationship where they
felt like they were walking oneggshells all the time, right
when they were, you know,constantly getting in trouble
(14:53):
for every little thing that theydid they could.
They felt like they couldn't doanything right.
So you know they probably have,because they don't have firmed
up boundaries.
They probably have hadexperiences where people didn't
treat them very well.
Laura (15:10):
Now I can think of examples from childhood that if
you were not given very muchcredit for your experience, or
given the right to have anexperience without justifying
yourself, but just to be, if youweren't allowed to just be
yourself and exist andeverything was criticized and
(15:31):
everything was critiqued,everything was criticized and
everything was critiqued.
You know, when we have parentswho are hypercritical, we often
grow up to be defensive and onedge all the time and then we're
going to defend ourselves andjustify our behavior and we're
not going to have those firmboundaries to say no, I'm just
not interested in going to thatmovie right now, you know, but I
(15:52):
will catch you next time, orwhatever Right.
And going to that movie rightnow, you know, but I will catch
you next time, or whatever right, like we have to think about
all these different ways that wecan say no, um, and make it,
you know, justifiable.
Michaela (16:03):
Right.
But if you tell me that you'renot going to come to the movies
with me, I'm allowed to feel sadand disappointed, right, my
feelings are valid as well.
But I as a human being, youknow, need to treat and respect
you and not yell at you and say,well, we just can't be friends,
(16:26):
I guess, right?
So someone who you know isfighting against those
boundaries might be mad at youand might not want to talk to
you for a while or, you know,say something rude or talk about
you behind your back to otherpeople, right?
So how would somebody handlethat if that happens to them?
(16:48):
Because we're asking them toset boundaries and in setting
boundaries there can cause someconflict and that can cause some
anxiety in them to try tohandle these things.
So what would you recommend forthem?
Laura (17:02):
You know, I usually try to think about the person's
character who we're talkingabout, right?
So, for example, if I'm sayingno to you, I'm going to think
about your character.
Are you somebody who is goingto be mean to me because you
didn't get your way?
Are you somebody who's going tohurt me because your feelings
(17:24):
got hurt, right?
So I'm trying to think about,like, who are you as a person
and give you credit for that forthe benefit of the doubt.
Like that way, I don't have asmuch anxiety when I'm about to
tell you no or no, thank you,whatever.
And so if you are a person who'sgoing to behave that way, then
I can know well, that's just howyou handle it when you get
(17:48):
upset.
So if I know that somebody inmy life handles things badly
when they get upset, then I alsoknow that that's not my fault,
and so I can say to myselfthat's on them to respond
appropriately.
As long as I'm doing my partand communicating effectively
and being, you know, an honestand considerate person, then the
(18:15):
other person in thisrelationship is responsible to
be honest and considerate aswell and not be, you know, not
hurt me because they got hurt,not lash out or be defensive,
and if they are, then I knowthat's about them, that's their
stuff.
Michaela (18:29):
Yeah, that's a great point.
And then you're knowing thatahead of time.
And then I think, like you know, if that person were to start
getting frustrated with meraising their voice, I would say
, hey, I would like to talkabout this again with you, but I
want to do it in a time thatyou're calm and that we can have
(18:51):
a, you know, respectfulconversation with each other.
So I do want to finish thisconversation, but I feel like we
need to both be respectful ofeach other, and so let's calm
down first, and then we can talkabout it later.
And then, if you know youseparate ways, you get off the
phone, whatever that looks like,and then, if they continue to
act in an unhealthy way, youjust don't communicate, you
(19:12):
don't respond back, right,because they can send you book
long text messages of horriblethings and be swearing at you
and really, really, really upsetthat they're not getting their
way and that it's distressingfor them because they're not
able to handle their emotions,they're not in control of their
nervous system, and and and thisis the only way that they know.
(19:37):
They think that they're goingto feel better if they get this
out there, right, they just needto take it out on other people
to feel better and you don'thave to engage with that, right,
you can just ignore it.
You can just wait till itpasses and or, or or you know
block their phone number for aminute, right, like you don't
(19:58):
have to engage in it.
Because the more you engage init, the worse you're going to
feel and the more that it'sgoing to prolong their anger.
Laura (20:04):
In this, in the situation , I think One phrase that comes
to mind is hey, I understandyou're upset, but it's not okay
to talk to me that way, right?
And when we are engaging withsomebody who is screaming and
yelling or name calling, like,that's not okay, you know, and I
(20:26):
need to make sure that I'm notdoing that, also Right?
So how am I behaving when myfeelings are hurt?
Am I lashing out?
Am I hurting others?
If that's the case, then I needto make sure that I'm working
on myself and I'm.
When my feelings are hurt, am Ilashing out?
Am I hurting others?
If that's the case, then I needto make sure that I'm working
on myself and I'm doing my ownwork to have the control of
myself that I need in order totreat people well.
But we all need to learn how toregulate our own nervous system
(20:51):
so that we can treat people theway they deserve to be treated
to regulate our own nervoussystem so that we can treat
people the way they deserve tobe treated.
Michaela (21:02):
I like how you that phrase, because I think that
it's very direct, right Likeit's.
It's very confident, it's verydirect.
You're being very clear as well, so I think that that's really
good and, you know, for peoplethat are listening, that might
be people that don't havecontrol of their nervous system,
this isn't anything bad aboutyou.
This is just an opportunity foryou to learn that you can
(21:25):
actually control.
You know your response in thesesituations.
It's something that you have tolearn how to do, and it's not
easy.
This is something that can bevery challenging.
Maybe you had a parent thatresponded that way.
You know that was veryemotionally reactive and you've
learned to respond in that way.
Maybe you have a trauma historyand this is just a response to
(21:49):
trauma, and so you know I don'twant anybody to feel like we're
picking on them or that we'recalling them out and they're
going to feel bad, because thisis a way that they might respond
.
I think we've all responded ina bad way before, in a in a not
unhealthy way I should say rightIn an unhealthy way in the past
, and so you know it it takesskills and practice to learn how
(22:15):
to regulate your nervous systemwhen things are difficult.
Laura (22:21):
And we have to know that we're not dependent on our
relationships.
We're not dependent on thepeople that we're talking to.
We're not beholden to them,we're not required to make them
happy all the time.
We're not required to make themhappy all the time.
We are ourselves responsiblefor our own individual safety
and security and autonomy andour own stuff.
(22:45):
If every single person took careof themselves, then we wouldn't
probably be hurting others.
If every single person was ableto have the respect for
themselves to say no when theyneeded to, and if every single
person practiced healthyboundaries and had the boundary
that they're not going to treatothers in an abusive way and
(23:09):
they're not going to tolerateothers treating them in an
abusive way, you know, if we'repaying attention and helping
ourselves, the world would be alot different place.
And when I say that peoplethink well, but that's selfish,
right, like that's selfish toonly take care of yourself, to
only think of yourself and I'mnot saying to be inconsiderate
(23:31):
and selfish I'm saying that yourpriority and your primary
responsibility is to care foryourself.
Michaela (23:40):
Well, you're only able to control one human being
Right In your life.
The only human being that youhave control over and can manage
the responses of is yourself.
Laura (23:52):
That's right.
Manage the responses of isyourself, that's right.
So having having thatresponsibility, knowing that you
have that responsibility,paying attention to controlling
yourself, paying attention toyour own responses and making
sure that you're respectingyourself first and you're
respecting the others around you, is going to go a long way.
Michaela (24:14):
Yeah, 100%, that makes a lot of sense.
So in what other ways doboundaries help us in
relationships?
Is there anything else that itdoes for us?
Laura (24:27):
Well, in relationships, boundaries help us teach others
how to treat us and they teachothers how to how we are.
Basically, if we treatourselves the way we deserve to
be treated and part of thatmeans standing up for ourselves
and being true to ourselves whensomething's not okay then we're
(24:48):
teaching others that they needto treat us with respect and
dignity.
And if they're unwilling totreat us with respect and
dignity and if they're unwillingto treat us with respect and
dignity, then we're saying, hey,that's not okay.
I'm, you know, a boundary isdifferent than a rule.
I'm not saying, hey, you haveto be perfectly well regulated
in order to interact with me,but I am saying that if you
(25:09):
start to hurt me or be you know,behave in a way that is like
violent, emotionally orphysically or whatever, I'm
going to stop and say this isn'tokay to treat me this way.
I'm going to walk away untilwe're going to agree to walk
away, until we are in a placewhere we can be respectful to
(25:30):
one another.
That's respecting therelationship, that's respecting
each other.
I'm also going to say, you know,if my boundary is that, let's
say cigarette, smoke orsomething, let's say my boundary
is that I don't want to bearound you when you're smoking
cigarettes.
I'm not saying you can't smokecigarettes, right, right, I'm
not making a rule for your life.
(25:51):
I'm saying when you smokecigarettes, I'm going to go
inside, right, because I don'twant to be around cigarette
smoke.
That's my choice.
And so that person is going tosay, ok, well, I still want to
smoke cigarettes, so I'm goingto smoke a cigarette outside.
And that just means we'relimiting our time together
because of both of our choicesmy choice to not be around it
and their choice to be a smoker.
Right, to not be around it andtheir choice to be a smoker,
(26:13):
right.
It's not the same as saying,well, you can't do this in order
to be with me.
You know what I mean.
Michaela (26:27):
That makes me think of something that somebody said is
that boundaries are for us,they're not for other people.
So, like you said, you're notcreating a rule.
I'm not saying, hey, you can'tdo this or you can't be with me,
right, like you have to do thisor you can't be with me, that's
like for another person.
But you're saying this is forme, right, it's not, it's
(26:47):
something that I need for me,it's about me and so, like
they're, the boundaries are forus yeah, they're a rule that we
make for ourselves, notsomething that we make for
another person.
Laura (27:01):
So you know, when we're on a diet or something and
somebody wants to go get icecream, I might say, you know, I
really can't handle thetemptation right now, so I'm
just going to sit this one out,I'm not going to go get ice
cream.
I might say, you know, I reallycan't handle the temptation
right now, so I'm just going tosit this one out, I'm not going
to go get ice cream, right.
So that's a thing for me.
I'm not saying, well, you can'thave ice cream because I'm on a
diet, and that's kind of anoversimplified example, but it's
(27:27):
one that applies in many, manydifferent contexts.
Michaela (27:33):
Yeah, so one of the more complicated boundaries that
sometimes people have to setlike is when we have to take
people out of our lifealtogether.
And so I think, like when youknow there's this misnomer that
(27:55):
when, like they're when we inmental health, when we talk
about setting boundaries, itmeans just kicking people out of
our lives.
You know well, you just don'thave people in your life and
it's it's really the opposite.
But there are times where youknow you have to figure out if
someone is, if they're not ableto follow the boundaries that
(28:15):
you're setting, and they'reconstantly crossing them.
You know, maybe they're, maybeit's something with your kids,
or you know they're, they're notbeing respectful of the limits
that you've set with them, oryou know they're constantly
(28:38):
berating you and treating you ina bad way passive, aggressive,
you know and they keep crossingthe boundaries.
You know, sometimes there is atime that you want to take a
step back from people and that'shard you want to take a step
back from people, and and that'shard, yeah, it can be really
difficult.
Laura (28:58):
You know, I think primarily boundaries are
designed to keep relationshipssafe, right, and so when a
relationship is no longer safe,it's okay to say I just don't
think this relationship ishealthy for me.
You know, we can say these arethe boundaries that I need in
order to make this relationshipsafe.
Like it's not okay to call menames, it's not okay to berate
(29:18):
me, it's not okay to scream andyell, it's not okay to
physically hurt me, and if thosethings are still happening,
then I can say I can't be inthis relationship.
If those things are going tocontinue to happen, right, I can
say that this relationship isno longer safe for me.
Michaela (29:36):
Right, but for the most part, that's not what
boundaries are trying to do.
They're trying to keep therelationship safe, which is
primarily what they're meant forso that we can feel happy in
the relationships that we have,so that we don't feel drained by
them, that we're not feelinglike we're being taken advantage
(29:57):
of, that we're able to live ourtruths and people respect us.
Laura (30:05):
Yeah, I think we want to, and I keep going back to this
relationship with ourself.
We have to respect ourselves inorder to ensure that others will
respect us too, and the reasonwhy I say that is not because
our self-respect controlsanother person's behavior, but
it gives us the strength that weneed to say no and to say
(30:26):
that's not okay.
I deserve better than that, andI think some of this the way
that we phrase these things, theI statements, the making sure
that we're talking aboutourselves and not accusing the
other person of violatingsomething right, like, I'm
saying, hey, I feel this way,this is not okay for me, and so
(30:49):
I need to change this situation.
We're using language that isabout us and not about the other
person's bad behavior, becausewe're separating the person from
the problem too.
We're separating the personfrom the behavior.
I'm not saying you know, you'rea total monster.
I'm saying, hey, this isn'tsafe for me.
I need to move away from thisrelationship, right, and there's
(31:12):
a big difference in that fromthis relationship, right, like
and there's a big difference inthat, and I think that's part of
respecting ourself andrespecting another person's
autonomy and saying, like, Ihaven't been able to get you to
change your behavior, and so Ihave to do this for me, right.
Michaela (31:27):
Well, and I think that you know, sometimes it can be
really hard for people to be ina place where they feel like
they can be safe on their own.
That can be really challenging.
They they fear isolation, theyfear letting people go, they
(31:47):
feel fear people leaving them.
And so you know, if you're oneof those people that don't feel
like you know your own self-loveand confidence in yourself,
that, no matter what happens,whether this relationship works
or it doesn't work, I'm going tobe okay because I'm good, I
(32:09):
love me, I'm enough.
And until you can get to thatplace, some of this stuff is
going to be really hard, and soyou might.
Before you can start settinghealthy boundaries, maybe you
need to reach out to a therapistto try to learn what those
boundaries are for you, whatyour values are, how to become
(32:29):
more confident in knowing thatyou deserve those things and
that you are okay even on yourown.
Laura (32:37):
I completely agree with that.
I think you're absolutely right.
We have to be okay on our ownfirst.
Healthy relationships are withpeople who are relatively
healthy individuals.
First right.
We don't have to be perfectlyhealthy to have a healthy
relationship.
We don't have to be perfectlyhealed in order to have a
healthy relationship, but wehave to at least have a starting
(32:58):
point for healing and we haveto at least have a starting
point for a sense of ourself inorder to really have a
relationship that's healthy andthriving, because it starts with
a relationship with ourself.
Michaela (33:15):
Yeah, a hundred percent.
Laura (33:18):
Well, on that positive note, I think that this is a
really good place to leave it.
Any final words on ourboundaries and how to gain the
confidence to be on our own, howto gain the confidence to be on
our own.
Michaela (33:33):
Start small.
You don't have to set everysingle boundary, day one.
So pick like one thing that'slike a deal breaker thing right
and practice with it.
Practice with your one personyou know, and start small and
just set.
Start setting a boundary to letpeople know how you want to be
(33:54):
treated and then see how thatfeels.
Laura (33:57):
I love that.
I think that's great advice,thank you.
So thank you for listening towhy am I like this?
If you like our show, pleaseleave us a rating and review on
your favorite podcast platform,follow the show and share it
with friends.
This episode was written andproduced by me, laura Wood and
Michaela Beaver.
Our theme song is Making EndsMeet by Thick as Thieves, and a
(34:21):
special thanks to BenavieriCounseling and Coaching and
Active Healing PsychiatricServices for sponsoring this
show.
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