December 9, 2024 • 34 mins
What drives us to try and fix everything around us? Join trauma therapist Laura Wood and psychiatric nurse practitioner Michaela Beaver as they unravel the complex web of motivations behind our relentless need to solve every problem. Is it a quest for control, an intolerance for imperfection, or a sneaky way to sidestep our personal issues? Together, they explore how chaotic childhoods can lead to seeking comfort in chaos, and how this shapes our adult interactions and reactions.
Laura and Michaela dive into the learned behaviors from our upbringing, questioning the social belief that constant worry equals preparedness. They shine a light on the difference between healthy planning and overactive anxiety. By recognizing when our nervous systems are unnecessarily on high alert, we can learn to cultivate a sense of safety without feeling compelled to fix every single issue. Finding that sweet spot between calmness and alertness is key to navigating life without succumbing to anxiety or avoidance.
The duo also tackles the art of letting go. Why do we often cling to perfectionism and the need for achievement? They discuss how childhood experiences might have planted these seeds, driving us to feel indispensable to be valued. The conversation offers practical strategies to identify which problems are truly urgent and how to conserve energy by letting smaller issues slide. Learn how embracing your inherent value, beyond achievements, can break the cycle of high-functioning anxiety and burnout, allowing a more relaxed, regulated state of mind.
Laura's Free Course on Emotional Development and Regulation:
https://benavieri.com/neuroception-sign-up/
This show is sponsored by:
Core Self
Benavieri Counseling & Coaching
www.benavieri.com
Active Healing Psychiatric Services
www.activehealingpsych.com
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Laura (00:03):
Hello and welcome to.
Why Am I Like this?
The podcast for those whodidn't get enough hugs as a
child?
I'm Laura Wood and I'm a traumatherapist and I'm Mic Beaver.
Michaela (00:14):
I'm a psychiatric nurse practitioner.
Laura (00:17):
Michaela, why are we doing this podcast?
Michaela (00:21):
I am so glad you asked .
We want to help you understandyourself a little bit better how
the things you learned aboutyourself and the world in
childhood are still affectingyou today.
We want to figure out why arewe like this, those random
things about ourselves that wemight wonder about, like why am
I so jumpy?
Why am I so anxious?
Why do I want to takeeverything personally?
(00:43):
Why are my thoughts so negative?
Why do I feel like I have tofix everything all the time?
Laura (00:50):
Yes, and that's actually what we're talking about today.
We're talking about fixingthings, and we're going to try
to answer the followingquestions why do I have to?
Why do I feel like I need tofix everything all the time?
Is fixing things a copingmechanism?
And how do I stop fixing thingsthat aren't my problem?
(01:10):
So let's get into it.
Why do we feel like we need tofix everything all the time?
Why are we doing this toourselves?
Michaela (01:18):
Such a good question.
It's such an energy burner likefeeling like we have to take on
the world's problems, Don't youthink I?
Laura (01:26):
do.
Is it a control issue?
Is it like about, I need tocontrol everything, or you know?
Can we just not tolerateimperfection?
What's going on?
Michaela (01:39):
Well, I think it could be any of those things.
I almost think it could be anavoidance strategy, Like I don't
want to work, like like lookinside me, and so I'm going to
look at everybody else and fixeverybody else and not to say
that everybody like know thatpeople who fix everything don't
think that they have problems.
(01:59):
It's just you know they don'twant to look at them.
Laura (02:02):
Yeah, I think that's onto something.
I think about that sometimes asa therapist.
I'm like am I helping otherpeople to like avoid my own
stuff?
Michaela (02:13):
Maybe I think sometimes I help other people
because it helps my stuff, ooh,yeah, and so it's like Ooh, I.
It's like almost like oh,that's like me.
So I understand that you know,or I know someone like that.
Laura (02:28):
So yeah, yeah, I always say life is a traumatic
reenactment, right.
So, we're fixing everythingthat relates to our own stuff.
So it's like if somebody comesto you with a problem, you're
like oh, I can solve that and Ican get you a different outcome
than I had, and that will helpsomehow, like relieve my trauma.
(02:48):
Response.
Michaela (02:50):
Totally yeah.
Wouldn't that be nice if thatwas true.
Laura (02:54):
I know I would love it if it actually worked that way,
but it turns out it doesn't.
And solving everybody else'sproblems actually does not help
you like resolve and reprocessyour own trauma.
It just is a reenactment.
Michaela (03:12):
It is, and so I think that that's one thing.
I think it's an avoidancestrategy, I think that we don't
want to look inward, and so it'sreally easy to just be like
talking about everybody elsetrying to dig in and figure out
what's going on with you and how.
How do I help you?
Um, but I also like wonder ifit helps us to like fill a void.
(03:36):
Like we feel like something'smissing too, like we just like
we, we don't do well in silence,right, we don't do well when
things are good, we want thingsto be bad, because that that
makes us feel something.
And then maybe, like whenthings are good, like we feel
weird, like it's not safe to becalm Right, we've talked about
(03:58):
that before and so, like we haveto fill this void of need, to
like get our adrenaline goingagain.
Laura (04:06):
Yeah, I think that makes sense, like if everything's okay
, then what's my purpose right?
Like what am I supposed to bedoing if there's nothing to do?
I think a lot of times peopledo struggle being calm because
maybe in their childhood thingswere never calm.
Everything was chaotic andeverything was.
(04:27):
You know, there always had tobe something going on and you
always had to have something todo and you couldn't just relax.
Michaela (04:36):
Yeah.
So what would that make a kidthink?
Like if I?
They would learn that theycan't relax.
They would learn that theycan't relax and so they would
think that they need to keepstirring things up and making
them more activated as an adult,because that's just how they're
used to feeling.
Laura (04:55):
Yeah, like the feeling of chaos is familiar and we
gravitate towards things thatare familiar.
And also, if it doesn't feellike, if everything's chaotic
all the time and I'm trying torelax and I'm like, oh, I found,
like this peace and quiet, butthen all of a sudden somebody
comes in and things get crazyagain, then I might feel like
(05:15):
it's not OK to be calm.
Or if I'm being hurt at home,like, or if somebody is hurting
me, me relaxing might just belike inviting the hurt to come
because, like, there's nothingelse going on.
The other thing I think aboutis that sometimes we aren't able
to get the attention that weneed in childhood, and so making
(05:36):
things an emergency is like theonly way to get our parents'
attention, and so if Iconstantly have a big problem to
solve, then I need, then that'sthe only time I'm actually
getting any kind of attention.
Michaela (05:49):
Yeah, and so then that's a learned behavior that's
been continuing to play out.
For sure, you know, and this islike you know, I have a very
close relationship with my momand as an adult we talk about a
lot of things, but in childhoodwe want we don't want to put too
(06:11):
much on our kids and sometimesit can be hard not to make that
mistake.
But I think that, likesometimes, as you know, a parent
, we might come to our kid withproblems and they might
interpret that it's their job tosolve them.
Do you think that one of thereasons why like this is this
was my job, that I learned froma young age that, like you know,
(06:34):
mom's not okay and I need tohelp her?
Maybe, you know, maybe I'mprying into things and mom
doesn't know how to, like, youknow, not tell them stuff, but
because they're seeing it and sothen they're trying to help,
maybe some some kind of scenariolike that.
Laura (06:48):
Yeah, I could definitely see that like being the
peacekeeper or being like theperson that everyone comes to to
deal with, like your stuff.
Um, when you see like even if,let's say, your parent didn't
put anything, like it's not,like a projection of like this
is going towards the kid, likeI'm like as the parent, I'm
telling my kids all the problems, like, even if it's not like
(07:09):
that, and it's just that youhave a lot of distress as a
parent, your kids are going tosee that and they're going to
try to fix it.
They're going to try to solvefor the distress, even if the
parent does have good boundariesand is like it's not for you,
like it's okay, I'm fine.
Like kids don't?
They're going to try to fix itanyway.
Like, because the worst thingin the world for a kid is for
(07:31):
their parent to be in distress.
Michaela (07:34):
Right.
Well, and I think that you knowthey, they definitely read,
read us and they, like, want usto be good, because when we're
good, we're fun and we hang outand we have a good time and they
know that if mom's happy, ifdad's happy, then like things
are fun and things are good andI want that.
Laura (08:07):
And things can be, um, calm in the house, but if
they're not, then we don't havethat calm and we think that calm
is just like a myth.
Like I remember feeling likewhen I had little kids.
Um, I remember feeling likecalm was just a pretend thing
that people talk about.
Sometimes I was like what evenis that?
(08:30):
That doesn't make any sense.
Like I have no idea how to berelaxed when I have all this
stuff going on and I always feltlike I can't relax because if I
relax, then something's goingto go wrong and I'm not going to
be prepared and I hear that allthe time Like people need to be
prepared for what's next.
Michaela (08:50):
Which I think that there is a difference between
planning and preparing and worry, and this is something that I
talk about with clients all thetime.
I'm like you know, we can, wewant to plan and prepare.
We have a big presentation atwork and we want to be ready for
it right.
But if we're sitting there andthinking about stuff that's
outside of our control, thenthat's worry and that's not the
(09:12):
same thing as being prepared,and so we're tricking ourselves
into thinking that it's planningand preparing when it's really
not.
It's something else.
Laura (09:21):
Yeah, that's a good point Like, I think, that you don't
have to have the worry in orderto have the preparedness Right.
So your nervous system ismisunderstanding that right.
So when we are in distress, ournervous system is activated and
we're either in hyper arousal,which is like we're activated,
(09:41):
we're up, regulated, we havemore energy, and maybe that's
nervous energy or we'redownregulated and we have less
energy, which is like avoidance,or like depression, or like
feeling like just like blah,like I'm not going to take care
of anything, and so, either way,that's an activation of our
nervous system when it doesn'tneed to be activated.
(10:02):
So, basically, our nervoussystem is missing the message
that like things are okay andyou can be safe, and so the
hardest part of that is toactually believe that your
situation that you're in is safewithout having to fix all the
problems or without having to doall the things, or without
(10:22):
having to, like take the nextstep.
But like basic safety isliterally like I'm not in any
danger right now, and I thinksometimes people confuse like
basic safety with like thateverything's good, Right, and
that's not always true.
Michaela (10:39):
Yeah, it can't be because we can.
There's a lot of things thataren't going to be solvable,
there's a lot of stressors thatare going to be ongoing, that
you can't fix or you can't doanything about, and so you have
to be able to learn that likeokay, in this moment I'm safe,
like there's nothing dangerousright now.
Laura (11:00):
Yeah, yeah.
And when you know that there'snothing dangerous, then your
nervous system can get into itsneutral state and have a balance
of the arousal system so thatyou have you can be alert and
active and aware.
But you don't have to be hyperaroused and like overly anxious
(11:21):
or overly excited, or you don'thave to be like so worried that
you're just like shut down andfeeling overwhelmed.
Like you want that like balanceof the middle, which is safety.
And when we're trying to fixeverything, all the time we're
basically saying I can findsafety if I just fix this next
thing, like I just need to fixthis and then I'll be okay, I
(11:42):
just need to fix this and thenI'll be okay.
Right, like if I fix this, I'llbe okay, but we don't know.
In that moment the thing thatwe're missing is I can be okay
Even if this problem isn'tsolved.
Michaela (11:54):
Yeah, I love that.
I think that, um, that'ssomething you do really well at
teaching, like, especially likekids, working with them and
being like hey, did you knowthat you can be okay If you
don't finish that or if thisdoesn't happen?
Right, like, if you don't getthe toy, did you know you can be
okay?
That's a hard one.
Laura (12:15):
It is hard and most of the time the kids are like what?
No, I can't.
And then I'm like, well, let'ssee and we can test it out.
And so a lot of times we haveto test out our theory of
whether or not we can be okaywhen we're just learning how to
be calm and stop fixing thingsand stop trying to solve all
these problems that are maybenot my problem or not a problem
(12:37):
at all or not a problem worthsolving.
You know, when we're justlearning that, we have to like,
try it out, we have to get liketake a baby step into, okay, I'm
not going to do anything aboutthis and I'm going to see what
happens.
Michaela (12:51):
So that would cause a lot of distress in some people.
If they didn't do something inthat moment, yeah, how would
they learn that they could beokay then how?
Laura (13:04):
would they learn that they could be okay.
Then they would just have tonotice like I didn't die Nothing
, like I didn't get hurt, Ididn't, you know, get nothing,
the world didn't end.
And these are like we want totry practicing on benign things
(13:27):
that aren't actually likeemergencies.
Right, if it's an emergency,like please handle it, but if
it's not an emergency, we don'thave to do everything right away
.
Like I always wonder if it'sdifficult, or if it's dangerous,
or is it urgent, or is it anemergency, or am I just trying
to solve it in order to copewith my feelings?
Is it just my feelings or is itthe actual problem?
(13:48):
And most of the time, it's myfeelings that I need to address
and not the actual problem.
Michaela (13:55):
Right, the actual problem will still be there
tomorrow.
Laura (13:59):
Yeah, or it will resolve itself on its own.
So sometimes I ask myself, if Ijust let it go, what would
happen?
Sometimes the answer is nothingLike um, I can't think of a
(14:19):
good example right now, but I'mjust thinking about like the
little nitpicky things that wehave about each other, like our
spouses, or something right,like the way that they're
chewing or the way that they'rebreathing, or like the where
they play, where they put thetowels or whatever.
Or like the way they fold thetowels like I don't know right,
like those are like notimportant problems.
(14:42):
Those are like oh, okay, thisis just the thing that's kind of
annoying and I can be okay eventhough that thing annoys me,
like I don't need them to changetheir behavior in order for me
to be okay yeah, even thoughsometimes it doesn't feel that
way.
Michaela (14:55):
right Like you don't fold the towel correctly.
I'm not happy.
Right Like they're doing itwrong.
Laura (15:04):
We have to fix them.
Why do we have to fix that?
I don't know.
So even if they're objectivelywrong about the way they fold
their towels, we still can letthem be wrong.
And the world did not end andnothing bad happened.
You know, maybe my linen closetdoesn't look exactly the way
that I want it to, or whatever,like, maybe I can't fit as many
(15:25):
towels on that same shelf as Iwanted to.
But, like, okay, right, like.
Sometimes I say, like thatreally doesn't matter, this
really matter.
Is this?
How important is this?
How big of a problem is this tosolve?
Deal, little deal, big deal,little deal.
There's, um, a workshop,there's a worksheet that I give
(15:45):
little kids.
That's called sizing theproblem, and so, is it a tiny
problem?
Is it a small problem?
Is it a medium problem?
Is it a small problem?
Is it a medium problem?
Right, like.
So there's, and then sometimesthere's a big problem and then
sometimes there's an emergency.
But most things fall in thecategory of like, small to tiny.
Michaela (16:06):
So what happens when we really really believe that
that linen closet is a big deal,right, we're like this is going
to end the world, right, like,or whatever it is like, but yet,
like, even though we logicallyknow that it's not, there are
some things that we, like,emotionally really believe that
(16:27):
like, it has to be this way.
Laura (16:31):
It's a good question.
I think if we're sticking withthe linen closet example, we can
say to ourselves that it's okayfor me to be uncomfortable with
this, it's okay for me to notlike this.
I can let that be, I can beokay with that.
And in order for our brain andbody to agree with that
(16:56):
statement, sometimes we need tofind congruence.
So what I mean by congruence islike, if I am looking at this
linen closet and I'm like what'sthe worst part?
Like, what's the worst partabout it?
Is it that it's wrong and ithas to be right?
Like, or is it that it's not myway?
(17:19):
Like, what's the worst part?
Identifying the worst part.
And then, when you identify theworst part, this is like an EMDR
technique, but like kind offloating back to see like, where
did I learn this?
What?
Why do I think this needs to bedone a certain way?
Oh, is it like rules from mychildhood?
Like, is it because that's howit had to be when I was growing
(17:42):
up?
Is it because, you know, therewas some kind of event that this
is reminding me of?
And so when I get congruent andI recognize like, oh, I'm
actually just repeatingsomething from my past.
But I don't have to.
I can choose to let this go andmake this part of my present
and part of my future.
(18:02):
I don't have to let this be.
I don't have to repeat thisthing from my past.
Michaela (18:07):
Yeah, that makes me think of like OCD and, like you
know, trying to quell the needfor control and that like
whatever you can do to make youranxiety feel better.
And then if folding the towelsthat way oh okay, that made me
feel good Then our brain's like,oh, that's something to pay
attention to, Right, and that'show we kind of get into those
(18:31):
habits of doing things over andover again is because it
relieves some kind of anxiety,right?
Laura (18:37):
Yeah, it's a coping mechanism.
Right, it's a relief of mydistress.
If I can just change the waythis towel is folded, then I
won't be in distress anymore.
But what we really need tolearn how to do is manage our
distress inside of ourselves andnot like it's not about the
towel.
The towel doesn't have controlover me.
I have control over me and so Ican use my coping mechanisms
(19:00):
that I've learned, like my calmplace.
Or I can use my imaginarycontainer.
I can use my breathingtechniques for, like, I can move
through this distress and then,if it pops back up in my head,
I can be like oh yeah, I alreadysolved that.
I solved for the distress, soI'm okay, this towel is just
(19:20):
this towel, that's hard to do itis.
Michaela (19:26):
It sounds easy, right Right, but I think it takes some
time for our brain to recognizethat it doesn't need to be
distressing anymore.
Laura (19:37):
It does take time to recognize and it takes habits.
It takes like we have toprocess the fact that we're
changing something, we're doingsomething differently.
We have to process that thisisn't the same as it was before.
So, like, a lot of the time Ihear people say well, I, this is
just, I react this way, right,like this is like somebody might
(20:00):
tell me well, I don't like togo to restaurants, I just don't
like restaurants.
When I go to a restaurant, Ifeel panicky.
Okay, you don't have tonecessarily right, like that's,
you can change that if you wantto, we can work on that.
Like it doesn't have to be aright Like that's, you can
change that if you want to, wecan work on that.
Like it doesn't have to be apermanent thing about yourself.
Like these are states, nottraits.
Like these are a state of beingand states of being are
(20:23):
temporary and so if you canaddress the state, then you can
find change.
And so we have to consciouslytell ourselves like hey, I'm
doing something differentlyright now.
This isn't the same as before.
Michaela (20:40):
Yeah, and getting back into the present moment and
recognizing that this isn't thepast is also helpful in that.
Laura (20:48):
Yeah for sure.
So like, if I'm trying to fixeverything as a coping mechanism
, then I'm trying to control.
Sometimes I'm trying to controlwhat's around me because I
don't feel like I control what'sinside me.
So I'm trying to fix everythingon the outside in order to feel
better on the inside.
Michaela (21:08):
Yeah, that makes sense and you know, anxiety is
something that everybodyexperiences, right Like the
normal thing that our body does,and I know we've talked about
this before.
It doesn't feel good, and so ittakes time and it takes
practice to start to trylearning these things and using
(21:30):
them, which can be hard whenthey don't work right away.
Laura (21:36):
Yeah, when they don't work right away, we get
disappointed.
And then when we feeldisappointed, we don't like the
way that feels, and so it's likewe feel like we set ourselves
up to fail, and then it's justone more thing we can't do.
Well, and I hate that feelingright, but Mm-hmm, and I hate
(21:59):
that feeling right.
But we can realize that doingsomething over and over and over
and over and over again isnecessary, because the first
time it might not work, thatdoesn't mean it's failed.
It just means it was the firsttime and we haven't made that
connection yet in our brain.
We haven't wired that synapse,we haven't built that ridge yet,
and so when we do that, we dothat over time.
(22:20):
We don't do that in one anddone, just like we didn't learn
the habits one time.
Michaela (22:26):
No definitely not.
So if we can use the skills andthey can work, then we can calm
our nervous system and use adifferent coping mechanism
rather than trying to fix thetowels, trying to fix all the
things around us.
So that's helpful.
(22:48):
Can you think of any otherreasons why we might want to fix
things all the time?
Laura (22:53):
Can you think of any other reasons why we might want
to fix things all the time?
I think sometimes we want to fixthings because we think they
have to be perfect.
Like, if I'm a perfectionistand anything less than perfect
is not okay, then I might berunning around trying to fix
(23:14):
everything all the time in orderto like settle myself down and
in order to like feel betterabout the way things are, in
order to avoid feeling like afailure.
Sometimes the opposite ofperfectionism is feeling like a
failure.
Right, so, like it's, I alwaysneed to have everything perfect
and I always need to haveeverything done well and done
the right way in order for me tonot feel like a failure.
Michaela (23:36):
Yeah, that makes sense .
The other thing that I wasthinking was worrying about not
being needed anymore.
This is my role, and if youdon't need me to fix these
(24:01):
problems, if I'm not, you know,trying to dig in and figure out
what's going on with you and howto help you, then you are going
to leave me because you don'tneed me anymore.
Laura (24:08):
Oh yeah, that's a really good one.
So we need to be important Like.
This is my purpose, this is myrole.
I'm here to make everythingbetter, and if I can't make
everything better, then youwon't need me and you won't care
for me anymore.
Where does that come from?
Michaela (24:26):
Well, I think that that's a complicated question.
I think that like it obviously.
I think it probably comes fromsomething in childhood where we
felt like we felt abandoned.
We felt like people would,would leave us if we weren't
important enough to them.
Right, Like, um, a parent that,like, is a really high
(24:47):
achieving, you know hardworkingparent and you know I wasn't
helping around the house or help, helping solve your problems
for you or doing something foryou.
Then I didn't get attention andthat makes me feel important.
Right, that makes me getattention from you.
Kind of going back to that,yeah, achievement.
Laura (25:11):
I think about perfectionism and achievement
kind of on the same layer, right.
Like if I'm trying to achievethings all the time, I'm always
striving for the next thing, I'malways trying to do better, I'm
always trying to go one stepfurther and like some of that is
a good thing, right.
Like we want to strive, butthere's an unhealthy way, like
(25:32):
there's an unhealthy level ofthat too, right.
So what we want is a balance,just like with our nervous
system.
Like we need hyper arousal, weneed hypo arousal.
Like those are important butthey're not sustainable, right.
They're not things that we needto have on all the time.
They're on when we need them.
So the same is true forachievement.
Like we want to be able toachieve and we want to have that
(25:54):
as a base, like as a balanced,you know part of our life
achievement and you knowcelebration, but also just
knowing our inherent value is usas a person and that we have
value even if we're notachieving things.
And I think that's a hard thingto learn if achievement was the
best way for you to getattention as a child.
Michaela (26:16):
For sure.
Well, and when you're talkingabout that, what I was thinking
about was, you know, people likethat are in their like 30s and
40s and their or maybe early 20s, but they're like they, high
functioning anxiety.
People that are just literallyin fight or flight all day long,
(26:42):
constantly, because they haveso many different ways they're
being pulled and that thatnervous system response being on
constantly can lead to adrenalfatigue.
Like at some point, like our,our levels of cortisol are going
to be high, high, high.
You know, at some point, likeour, our levels of cortisol are
going to be high, high, high.
You know, at some point duringthe day, maybe it's right before
(27:04):
bed, and then we get thatsecond wind, and then we get
that, we get more work done, andthen over time, that cortisol
just gets drained and then we'reour body's not able to mount
that response anymore and we'redepleted.
Laura (27:23):
Yeah, and then we're totally drained, we're totally
burnt out.
So if I'm fixing everybody'sproblems all the time and I'm
never focused on calm andrelaxation and just living my
own life and being settled, thenI can completely burn myself
out, literally physiologically,not just mentally.
(27:44):
Right, yeah, I think when weare addressing this within
ourselves, we want to askourselves like which of these is
it right?
Like, what is the benefit?
What's helpful about fixingeverything?
What's important about it to me?
What does it say about me thatI need to, that I'm fixing this
(28:07):
thing?
Like what does that mean aboutme?
Does it mean that I have value?
Does it mean that I'm a goodperson?
Does it mean that people willcare about me and people will
love me and they won't leave me?
Right, like, what is that thing?
That's what we need to askourselves.
Michaela (28:24):
Or if I'm not doing this and and and fixing all the
things, then I must be a failure.
And so then once you know, okay, this is kind of my deal, this
is why I'm trying, this is theproblem I'm trying to solve,
then you can circle back and sayI don't have to solve that
problem, like that's not aproblem that needs to be fixed,
(28:48):
that's not my problem to fix,right, and I can be okay Even if
I'm not doing that thing.
Laura (28:57):
Yeah, when I want to stop solving a problem or when I
want to check in with myself,like, is this something that I
need to be dealing with, a lotof the times I'll ask myself,
okay, what problem am I solving?
Like, what problem am I reallysolving?
Is it I'm solving that, youknow, the towels are folded
wrong?
Or is it that I'm solving alogistical problem about, like,
(29:21):
how to get my kids to school, orwhen to you know when to pick
them up, or something like that?
Like, what's the actual problemthat I'm solving?
Or am I just anxious and I needto be doing something, and
sometimes we don't really evenknow when we're in it?
Michaela (29:40):
Well, and I think sometimes what the the problem
we were trying to solve isn'talways the problem.
Right, like we're, you knowwe're focusing on this thing,
but really it's that like I hatemy job, right, like we're
trying to, we're trying to doall these other things to make
ourselves happy when and that'snot really the problem.
Laura (30:02):
Yeah, that's the avoidance strategy that you
talked about earlier.
Like if I'm avoiding dealingwith the fact that I hate my job
, then I'm going to be likedoing all this extra stuff
around and sort of fixingeverything else because I can't
fix that.
Michaela (30:17):
Or you don't think you can fix it.
Laura (30:19):
Yeah, or I can't.
There's something going on inmy life that I can't control and
so I'm trying to fix everythingthat I can control in order to
kind of make up for the factthat I'm out of control in this
one area, Like, let's say, aloved one is sick, or you know
I'm, you know my kids arestruggling, or you know things
(30:40):
are difficult at work, orsomething that I can't really do
anything about, but I have tojust kind of like let the
process wait out, Like Iremember when I was selling my
house, just feeling like Ineeded to do something all the
time because there was nothing Icould do about waiting until
the process was done.
(31:00):
Yeah, it's hard to wait.
It's hard to wait.
It's hard to just let it go.
Michaela (31:06):
That's another podcast .
Laura (31:09):
Why can't I let stuff go?
Maybe that's our next episode.
Michaela (31:14):
Yeah, so we can try to identify what we're trying to
avoid or what problem we'retrying to solve.
We can tell ourselves that wedon't need to solve that problem
, that we can maybe sit on it,wait, see what happens.
(31:34):
If it's not an emergency,emergency and we can use our
coping skills to like help calmour nervous system down so that
we're not in that fight orflight state and going into
burnout.
What else can we do to stop tohelp ourselves, stop fixing
things that are not our problem?
Laura (31:53):
I like the idea of just waiting a few minutes.
So like if I feel like this isurgent and I just set a timer
for three minutes and see ifit's still as urgent after three
minutes is over, that's good.
And if you wait three minutesand your system hasn't already
kind of processed throughwhatever was going on, then
(32:14):
maybe go solve the thing, do thething.
But what helps is the waitingperiod because it actually
allows your system enough timeto like, distract itself or kind
of naturally flow through theemotion of it all.
And so waiting three minutesand doing something else during
that time is a way for you tocope with the distress without
(32:35):
even recognizing that you'recoping with the distress.
Okay.
So that's another one.
I like that.
Michaela (32:42):
Yeah, I think that fits.
I mean just talking about likebeing in distress and like
walking away from the problem.
You know, like you're, you'regetting dysregulated from an art
, you're going to have anargument with your spouse or
whatever and you're like, okay,I just need to run to the
(33:02):
bathroom really quick.
I got.
You know, give yourself spaceto just get regulated a lot of
ways so that when you come backyou handle it in a mature way.
Laura (33:15):
Yeah, you need a, you need a pause.
It's like hitting the refreshbutton, hitting the pause button
and just going back to it witha clear head or with clear eyes,
because if the problem is trulya problem, it'll be there when
you get back.
It's not going anywhere.
Yeah, that's good.
Yeah, so fixing things as acoping mechanism is a high use
(33:41):
of energy that we maybe don'tneed to use.
What if we could just let it beunfixed and relax and then
prioritize the big problemsright, sizing the problem,
prioritize the big problems andlet go of the small problems.
(34:03):
I think we would all be alittle bit more regulated.
Definitely, it's a hard thingto do, but with practice it will
work.
Michaela (34:16):
I'll have to be thinking about that over the
next few weeks of like what isthis a big problem or a little
problem?
Laura (34:22):
Yeah, sizing the problem.
That's one of my favoritethings, like try that first and
then see if you can let go ofsome of the little stuff.
Thank you for listening to.
Why am I like this.
If you like our show, pleaseleave us a rating and review on
your favorite podcast platform.
Follow the show and share itwith your friends.
This episode was written andproduced by me, Laura Wood and
(34:44):
Micheala Beaver.
Our theme song is Making EndsMeet by Thick as Thieves, and a
special thanks to BenavieriCounseling and Coaching and
Active Healing PsychiatricServices for sponsoring this
show.
Hello and welcome to.
Why Am I Like this?
The podcast for those whodidn't get enough hugs as a
child?
I'm Laura Wood and I'm a traumatherapist and I'm Mic Beaver.
Michaela (00:14):
I'm a psychiatric nurse practitioner.
Laura (00:17):
Michaela, why are we doing this podcast?
Michaela (00:21):
I am so glad you asked .
We want to help you understandyourself a little bit better how
the things you learned aboutyourself and the world in
childhood are still affectingyou today.
We want to figure out why arewe like this, those random
things about ourselves that wemight wonder about, like why am
I so jumpy?
Why am I so anxious?
Why do I want to takeeverything personally?
(00:43):
Why are my thoughts so negative?
Why do I feel like I have tofix everything all the time?
Laura (00:50):
Yes, and that's actually what we're talking about today.
We're talking about fixingthings, and we're going to try
to answer the followingquestions why do I have to?
Why do I feel like I need tofix everything all the time?
Is fixing things a copingmechanism?
And how do I stop fixing thingsthat aren't my problem?
(01:10):
So let's get into it.
Why do we feel like we need tofix everything all the time?
Why are we doing this toourselves?
Michaela (01:18):
Such a good question.
It's such an energy burner likefeeling like we have to take on
the world's problems, Don't youthink I?
Laura (01:26):
do.
Is it a control issue?
Is it like about, I need tocontrol everything, or you know?
Can we just not tolerateimperfection?
What's going on?
Michaela (01:39):
Well, I think it could be any of those things.
I almost think it could be anavoidance strategy, Like I don't
want to work, like like lookinside me, and so I'm going to
look at everybody else and fixeverybody else and not to say
that everybody like know thatpeople who fix everything don't
think that they have problems.
(01:59):
It's just you know they don'twant to look at them.
Laura (02:02):
Yeah, I think that's onto something.
I think about that sometimes asa therapist.
I'm like am I helping otherpeople to like avoid my own
stuff?
Michaela (02:13):
Maybe I think sometimes I help other people
because it helps my stuff, ooh,yeah, and so it's like Ooh, I.
It's like almost like oh,that's like me.
So I understand that you know,or I know someone like that.
Laura (02:28):
So yeah, yeah, I always say life is a traumatic
reenactment, right.
So, we're fixing everythingthat relates to our own stuff.
So it's like if somebody comesto you with a problem, you're
like oh, I can solve that and Ican get you a different outcome
than I had, and that will helpsomehow, like relieve my trauma.
(02:48):
Response.
Michaela (02:50):
Totally yeah.
Wouldn't that be nice if thatwas true.
Laura (02:54):
I know I would love it if it actually worked that way,
but it turns out it doesn't.
And solving everybody else'sproblems actually does not help
you like resolve and reprocessyour own trauma.
It just is a reenactment.
Michaela (03:12):
It is, and so I think that that's one thing.
I think it's an avoidancestrategy, I think that we don't
want to look inward, and so it'sreally easy to just be like
talking about everybody elsetrying to dig in and figure out
what's going on with you and how.
How do I help you?
Um, but I also like wonder ifit helps us to like fill a void.
(03:36):
Like we feel like something'smissing too, like we just like
we, we don't do well in silence,right, we don't do well when
things are good, we want thingsto be bad, because that that
makes us feel something.
And then maybe, like whenthings are good, like we feel
weird, like it's not safe to becalm Right, we've talked about
(03:58):
that before and so, like we haveto fill this void of need, to
like get our adrenaline goingagain.
Laura (04:06):
Yeah, I think that makes sense, like if everything's okay
, then what's my purpose right?
Like what am I supposed to bedoing if there's nothing to do?
I think a lot of times peopledo struggle being calm because
maybe in their childhood thingswere never calm.
Everything was chaotic andeverything was.
(04:27):
You know, there always had tobe something going on and you
always had to have something todo and you couldn't just relax.
Michaela (04:36):
Yeah.
So what would that make a kidthink?
Like if I?
They would learn that theycan't relax.
They would learn that theycan't relax and so they would
think that they need to keepstirring things up and making
them more activated as an adult,because that's just how they're
used to feeling.
Laura (04:55):
Yeah, like the feeling of chaos is familiar and we
gravitate towards things thatare familiar.
And also, if it doesn't feellike, if everything's chaotic
all the time and I'm trying torelax and I'm like, oh, I found,
like this peace and quiet, butthen all of a sudden somebody
comes in and things get crazyagain, then I might feel like
(05:15):
it's not OK to be calm.
Or if I'm being hurt at home,like, or if somebody is hurting
me, me relaxing might just belike inviting the hurt to come
because, like, there's nothingelse going on.
The other thing I think aboutis that sometimes we aren't able
to get the attention that weneed in childhood, and so making
(05:36):
things an emergency is like theonly way to get our parents'
attention, and so if Iconstantly have a big problem to
solve, then I need, then that'sthe only time I'm actually
getting any kind of attention.
Michaela (05:49):
Yeah, and so then that's a learned behavior that's
been continuing to play out.
For sure, you know, and this islike you know, I have a very
close relationship with my momand as an adult we talk about a
lot of things, but in childhoodwe want we don't want to put too
(06:11):
much on our kids and sometimesit can be hard not to make that
mistake.
But I think that, likesometimes, as you know, a parent
, we might come to our kid withproblems and they might
interpret that it's their job tosolve them.
Do you think that one of thereasons why like this is this
was my job, that I learned froma young age that, like you know,
(06:34):
mom's not okay and I need tohelp her?
Maybe, you know, maybe I'mprying into things and mom
doesn't know how to, like, youknow, not tell them stuff, but
because they're seeing it and sothen they're trying to help,
maybe some some kind of scenariolike that.
Laura (06:48):
Yeah, I could definitely see that like being the
peacekeeper or being like theperson that everyone comes to to
deal with, like your stuff.
Um, when you see like even if,let's say, your parent didn't
put anything, like it's not,like a projection of like this
is going towards the kid, likeI'm like as the parent, I'm
telling my kids all the problems, like, even if it's not like
(07:09):
that, and it's just that youhave a lot of distress as a
parent, your kids are going tosee that and they're going to
try to fix it.
They're going to try to solvefor the distress, even if the
parent does have good boundariesand is like it's not for you,
like it's okay, I'm fine.
Like kids don't?
They're going to try to fix itanyway.
Like, because the worst thingin the world for a kid is for
(07:31):
their parent to be in distress.
Michaela (07:34):
Right.
Well, and I think that you knowthey, they definitely read,
read us and they, like, want usto be good, because when we're
good, we're fun and we hang outand we have a good time and they
know that if mom's happy, ifdad's happy, then like things
are fun and things are good andI want that.
Laura (08:07):
And things can be, um, calm in the house, but if
they're not, then we don't havethat calm and we think that calm
is just like a myth.
Like I remember feeling likewhen I had little kids.
Um, I remember feeling likecalm was just a pretend thing
that people talk about.
Sometimes I was like what evenis that?
(08:30):
That doesn't make any sense.
Like I have no idea how to berelaxed when I have all this
stuff going on and I always feltlike I can't relax because if I
relax, then something's goingto go wrong and I'm not going to
be prepared and I hear that allthe time Like people need to be
prepared for what's next.
Michaela (08:50):
Which I think that there is a difference between
planning and preparing and worry, and this is something that I
talk about with clients all thetime.
I'm like you know, we can, wewant to plan and prepare.
We have a big presentation atwork and we want to be ready for
it right.
But if we're sitting there andthinking about stuff that's
outside of our control, thenthat's worry and that's not the
(09:12):
same thing as being prepared,and so we're tricking ourselves
into thinking that it's planningand preparing when it's really
not.
It's something else.
Laura (09:21):
Yeah, that's a good point Like, I think, that you don't
have to have the worry in orderto have the preparedness Right.
So your nervous system ismisunderstanding that right.
So when we are in distress, ournervous system is activated and
we're either in hyper arousal,which is like we're activated,
(09:41):
we're up, regulated, we havemore energy, and maybe that's
nervous energy or we'redownregulated and we have less
energy, which is like avoidance,or like depression, or like
feeling like just like blah,like I'm not going to take care
of anything, and so, either way,that's an activation of our
nervous system when it doesn'tneed to be activated.
(10:02):
So, basically, our nervoussystem is missing the message
that like things are okay andyou can be safe, and so the
hardest part of that is toactually believe that your
situation that you're in is safewithout having to fix all the
problems or without having to doall the things, or without
(10:22):
having to, like take the nextstep.
But like basic safety isliterally like I'm not in any
danger right now, and I thinksometimes people confuse like
basic safety with like thateverything's good, Right, and
that's not always true.
Michaela (10:39):
Yeah, it can't be because we can.
There's a lot of things thataren't going to be solvable,
there's a lot of stressors thatare going to be ongoing, that
you can't fix or you can't doanything about, and so you have
to be able to learn that likeokay, in this moment I'm safe,
like there's nothing dangerousright now.
Laura (11:00):
Yeah, yeah.
And when you know that there'snothing dangerous, then your
nervous system can get into itsneutral state and have a balance
of the arousal system so thatyou have you can be alert and
active and aware.
But you don't have to be hyperaroused and like overly anxious
(11:21):
or overly excited, or you don'thave to be like so worried that
you're just like shut down andfeeling overwhelmed.
Like you want that like balanceof the middle, which is safety.
And when we're trying to fixeverything, all the time we're
basically saying I can findsafety if I just fix this next
thing, like I just need to fixthis and then I'll be okay, I
(11:42):
just need to fix this and thenI'll be okay.
Right, like if I fix this, I'llbe okay, but we don't know.
In that moment the thing thatwe're missing is I can be okay
Even if this problem isn'tsolved.
Michaela (11:54):
Yeah, I love that.
I think that, um, that'ssomething you do really well at
teaching, like, especially likekids, working with them and
being like hey, did you knowthat you can be okay If you
don't finish that or if thisdoesn't happen?
Right, like, if you don't getthe toy, did you know you can be
okay?
That's a hard one.
Laura (12:15):
It is hard and most of the time the kids are like what?
No, I can't.
And then I'm like, well, let'ssee and we can test it out.
And so a lot of times we haveto test out our theory of
whether or not we can be okaywhen we're just learning how to
be calm and stop fixing thingsand stop trying to solve all
these problems that are maybenot my problem or not a problem
(12:37):
at all or not a problem worthsolving.
You know, when we're justlearning that, we have to like,
try it out, we have to get liketake a baby step into, okay, I'm
not going to do anything aboutthis and I'm going to see what
happens.
Michaela (12:51):
So that would cause a lot of distress in some people.
If they didn't do something inthat moment, yeah, how would
they learn that they could beokay then how?
Laura (13:04):
would they learn that they could be okay.
Then they would just have tonotice like I didn't die Nothing
, like I didn't get hurt, Ididn't, you know, get nothing,
the world didn't end.
And these are like we want totry practicing on benign things
(13:27):
that aren't actually likeemergencies.
Right, if it's an emergency,like please handle it, but if
it's not an emergency, we don'thave to do everything right away
.
Like I always wonder if it'sdifficult, or if it's dangerous,
or is it urgent, or is it anemergency, or am I just trying
to solve it in order to copewith my feelings?
Is it just my feelings or is itthe actual problem?
(13:48):
And most of the time, it's myfeelings that I need to address
and not the actual problem.
Michaela (13:55):
Right, the actual problem will still be there
tomorrow.
Laura (13:59):
Yeah, or it will resolve itself on its own.
So sometimes I ask myself, if Ijust let it go, what would
happen?
Sometimes the answer is nothingLike um, I can't think of a
(14:19):
good example right now, but I'mjust thinking about like the
little nitpicky things that wehave about each other, like our
spouses, or something right,like the way that they're
chewing or the way that they'rebreathing, or like the where
they play, where they put thetowels or whatever.
Or like the way they fold thetowels like I don't know right,
like those are like notimportant problems.
(14:42):
Those are like oh, okay, thisis just the thing that's kind of
annoying and I can be okay eventhough that thing annoys me,
like I don't need them to changetheir behavior in order for me
to be okay yeah, even thoughsometimes it doesn't feel that
way.
Michaela (14:55):
right Like you don't fold the towel correctly.
I'm not happy.
Right Like they're doing itwrong.
Laura (15:04):
We have to fix them.
Why do we have to fix that?
I don't know.
So even if they're objectivelywrong about the way they fold
their towels, we still can letthem be wrong.
And the world did not end andnothing bad happened.
You know, maybe my linen closetdoesn't look exactly the way
that I want it to, or whatever,like, maybe I can't fit as many
(15:25):
towels on that same shelf as Iwanted to.
But, like, okay, right, like.
Sometimes I say, like thatreally doesn't matter, this
really matter.
Is this?
How important is this?
How big of a problem is this tosolve?
Deal, little deal, big deal,little deal.
There's, um, a workshop,there's a worksheet that I give
(15:45):
little kids.
That's called sizing theproblem, and so, is it a tiny
problem?
Is it a small problem?
Is it a medium problem?
Is it a small problem?
Is it a medium problem?
Right, like.
So there's, and then sometimesthere's a big problem and then
sometimes there's an emergency.
But most things fall in thecategory of like, small to tiny.
Michaela (16:06):
So what happens when we really really believe that
that linen closet is a big deal,right, we're like this is going
to end the world, right, like,or whatever it is like, but yet,
like, even though we logicallyknow that it's not, there are
some things that we, like,emotionally really believe that
(16:27):
like, it has to be this way.
Laura (16:31):
It's a good question.
I think if we're sticking withthe linen closet example, we can
say to ourselves that it's okayfor me to be uncomfortable with
this, it's okay for me to notlike this.
I can let that be, I can beokay with that.
And in order for our brain andbody to agree with that
(16:56):
statement, sometimes we need tofind congruence.
So what I mean by congruence islike, if I am looking at this
linen closet and I'm like what'sthe worst part?
Like, what's the worst partabout it?
Is it that it's wrong and ithas to be right?
Like, or is it that it's not myway?
(17:19):
Like, what's the worst part?
Identifying the worst part.
And then, when you identify theworst part, this is like an EMDR
technique, but like kind offloating back to see like, where
did I learn this?
What?
Why do I think this needs to bedone a certain way?
Oh, is it like rules from mychildhood?
Like, is it because that's howit had to be when I was growing
(17:42):
up?
Is it because, you know, therewas some kind of event that this
is reminding me of?
And so when I get congruent andI recognize like, oh, I'm
actually just repeatingsomething from my past.
But I don't have to.
I can choose to let this go andmake this part of my present
and part of my future.
(18:02):
I don't have to let this be.
I don't have to repeat thisthing from my past.
Michaela (18:07):
Yeah, that makes me think of like OCD and, like you
know, trying to quell the needfor control and that like
whatever you can do to make youranxiety feel better.
And then if folding the towelsthat way oh okay, that made me
feel good Then our brain's like,oh, that's something to pay
attention to, Right, and that'show we kind of get into those
(18:31):
habits of doing things over andover again is because it
relieves some kind of anxiety,right?
Laura (18:37):
Yeah, it's a coping mechanism.
Right, it's a relief of mydistress.
If I can just change the waythis towel is folded, then I
won't be in distress anymore.
But what we really need tolearn how to do is manage our
distress inside of ourselves andnot like it's not about the
towel.
The towel doesn't have controlover me.
I have control over me and so Ican use my coping mechanisms
(19:00):
that I've learned, like my calmplace.
Or I can use my imaginarycontainer.
I can use my breathingtechniques for, like, I can move
through this distress and then,if it pops back up in my head,
I can be like oh yeah, I alreadysolved that.
I solved for the distress, soI'm okay, this towel is just
(19:20):
this towel, that's hard to do itis.
Michaela (19:26):
It sounds easy, right Right, but I think it takes some
time for our brain to recognizethat it doesn't need to be
distressing anymore.
Laura (19:37):
It does take time to recognize and it takes habits.
It takes like we have toprocess the fact that we're
changing something, we're doingsomething differently.
We have to process that thisisn't the same as it was before.
So, like, a lot of the time Ihear people say well, I, this is
just, I react this way, right,like this is like somebody might
(20:00):
tell me well, I don't like togo to restaurants, I just don't
like restaurants.
When I go to a restaurant, Ifeel panicky.
Okay, you don't have tonecessarily right, like that's,
you can change that if you wantto, we can work on that.
Like it doesn't have to be aright Like that's, you can
change that if you want to, wecan work on that.
Like it doesn't have to be apermanent thing about yourself.
Like these are states, nottraits.
Like these are a state of beingand states of being are
(20:23):
temporary and so if you canaddress the state, then you can
find change.
And so we have to consciouslytell ourselves like hey, I'm
doing something differentlyright now.
This isn't the same as before.
Michaela (20:40):
Yeah, and getting back into the present moment and
recognizing that this isn't thepast is also helpful in that.
Laura (20:48):
Yeah for sure.
So like, if I'm trying to fixeverything as a coping mechanism
, then I'm trying to control.
Sometimes I'm trying to controlwhat's around me because I
don't feel like I control what'sinside me.
So I'm trying to fix everythingon the outside in order to feel
better on the inside.
Michaela (21:08):
Yeah, that makes sense and you know, anxiety is
something that everybodyexperiences, right Like the
normal thing that our body does,and I know we've talked about
this before.
It doesn't feel good, and so ittakes time and it takes
practice to start to trylearning these things and using
(21:30):
them, which can be hard whenthey don't work right away.
Laura (21:36):
Yeah, when they don't work right away, we get
disappointed.
And then when we feeldisappointed, we don't like the
way that feels, and so it's likewe feel like we set ourselves
up to fail, and then it's justone more thing we can't do.
Well, and I hate that feelingright, but Mm-hmm, and I hate
(21:59):
that feeling right.
But we can realize that doingsomething over and over and over
and over and over again isnecessary, because the first
time it might not work, thatdoesn't mean it's failed.
It just means it was the firsttime and we haven't made that
connection yet in our brain.
We haven't wired that synapse,we haven't built that ridge yet,
and so when we do that, we dothat over time.
(22:20):
We don't do that in one anddone, just like we didn't learn
the habits one time.
Michaela (22:26):
No definitely not.
So if we can use the skills andthey can work, then we can calm
our nervous system and use adifferent coping mechanism
rather than trying to fix thetowels, trying to fix all the
things around us.
So that's helpful.
(22:48):
Can you think of any otherreasons why we might want to fix
things all the time?
Laura (22:53):
Can you think of any other reasons why we might want
to fix things all the time?
I think sometimes we want to fixthings because we think they
have to be perfect.
Like, if I'm a perfectionistand anything less than perfect
is not okay, then I might berunning around trying to fix
(23:14):
everything all the time in orderto like settle myself down and
in order to like feel betterabout the way things are, in
order to avoid feeling like afailure.
Sometimes the opposite ofperfectionism is feeling like a
failure.
Right, so, like it's, I alwaysneed to have everything perfect
and I always need to haveeverything done well and done
the right way in order for me tonot feel like a failure.
Michaela (23:36):
Yeah, that makes sense .
The other thing that I wasthinking was worrying about not
being needed anymore.
This is my role, and if youdon't need me to fix these
(24:01):
problems, if I'm not, you know,trying to dig in and figure out
what's going on with you and howto help you, then you are going
to leave me because you don'tneed me anymore.
Laura (24:08):
Oh yeah, that's a really good one.
So we need to be important Like.
This is my purpose, this is myrole.
I'm here to make everythingbetter, and if I can't make
everything better, then youwon't need me and you won't care
for me anymore.
Where does that come from?
Michaela (24:26):
Well, I think that that's a complicated question.
I think that like it obviously.
I think it probably comes fromsomething in childhood where we
felt like we felt abandoned.
We felt like people would,would leave us if we weren't
important enough to them.
Right, Like, um, a parent that,like, is a really high
(24:47):
achieving, you know hardworkingparent and you know I wasn't
helping around the house or help, helping solve your problems
for you or doing something foryou.
Then I didn't get attention andthat makes me feel important.
Right, that makes me getattention from you.
Kind of going back to that,yeah, achievement.
Laura (25:11):
I think about perfectionism and achievement
kind of on the same layer, right.
Like if I'm trying to achievethings all the time, I'm always
striving for the next thing, I'malways trying to do better, I'm
always trying to go one stepfurther and like some of that is
a good thing, right.
Like we want to strive, butthere's an unhealthy way, like
(25:32):
there's an unhealthy level ofthat too, right.
So what we want is a balance,just like with our nervous
system.
Like we need hyper arousal, weneed hypo arousal.
Like those are important butthey're not sustainable, right.
They're not things that we needto have on all the time.
They're on when we need them.
So the same is true forachievement.
Like we want to be able toachieve and we want to have that
(25:54):
as a base, like as a balanced,you know part of our life
achievement and you knowcelebration, but also just
knowing our inherent value is usas a person and that we have
value even if we're notachieving things.
And I think that's a hard thingto learn if achievement was the
best way for you to getattention as a child.
Michaela (26:16):
For sure.
Well, and when you're talkingabout that, what I was thinking
about was, you know, people likethat are in their like 30s and
40s and their or maybe early 20s, but they're like they, high
functioning anxiety.
People that are just literallyin fight or flight all day long,
(26:42):
constantly, because they haveso many different ways they're
being pulled and that thatnervous system response being on
constantly can lead to adrenalfatigue.
Like at some point, like our,our levels of cortisol are going
to be high, high, high.
You know, at some point, likeour, our levels of cortisol are
going to be high, high, high.
You know, at some point duringthe day, maybe it's right before
(27:04):
bed, and then we get thatsecond wind, and then we get
that, we get more work done, andthen over time, that cortisol
just gets drained and then we'reour body's not able to mount
that response anymore and we'redepleted.
Laura (27:23):
Yeah, and then we're totally drained, we're totally
burnt out.
So if I'm fixing everybody'sproblems all the time and I'm
never focused on calm andrelaxation and just living my
own life and being settled, thenI can completely burn myself
out, literally physiologically,not just mentally.
(27:44):
Right, yeah, I think when weare addressing this within
ourselves, we want to askourselves like which of these is
it right?
Like, what is the benefit?
What's helpful about fixingeverything?
What's important about it to me?
What does it say about me thatI need to, that I'm fixing this
(28:07):
thing?
Like what does that mean aboutme?
Does it mean that I have value?
Does it mean that I'm a goodperson?
Does it mean that people willcare about me and people will
love me and they won't leave me?
Right, like, what is that thing?
That's what we need to askourselves.
Michaela (28:24):
Or if I'm not doing this and and and fixing all the
things, then I must be a failure.
And so then once you know, okay, this is kind of my deal, this
is why I'm trying, this is theproblem I'm trying to solve,
then you can circle back and sayI don't have to solve that
problem, like that's not aproblem that needs to be fixed,
(28:48):
that's not my problem to fix,right, and I can be okay Even if
I'm not doing that thing.
Laura (28:57):
Yeah, when I want to stop solving a problem or when I
want to check in with myself,like, is this something that I
need to be dealing with, a lotof the times I'll ask myself,
okay, what problem am I solving?
Like, what problem am I reallysolving?
Is it I'm solving that, youknow, the towels are folded
wrong?
Or is it that I'm solving alogistical problem about, like,
(29:21):
how to get my kids to school, orwhen to you know when to pick
them up, or something like that?
Like, what's the actual problemthat I'm solving?
Or am I just anxious and I needto be doing something, and
sometimes we don't really evenknow when we're in it?
Michaela (29:40):
Well, and I think sometimes what the the problem
we were trying to solve isn'talways the problem.
Right, like we're, you knowwe're focusing on this thing,
but really it's that like I hatemy job, right, like we're
trying to, we're trying to doall these other things to make
ourselves happy when and that'snot really the problem.
Laura (30:02):
Yeah, that's the avoidance strategy that you
talked about earlier.
Like if I'm avoiding dealingwith the fact that I hate my job
, then I'm going to be likedoing all this extra stuff
around and sort of fixingeverything else because I can't
fix that.
Michaela (30:17):
Or you don't think you can fix it.
Laura (30:19):
Yeah, or I can't.
There's something going on inmy life that I can't control and
so I'm trying to fix everythingthat I can control in order to
kind of make up for the factthat I'm out of control in this
one area, Like, let's say, aloved one is sick, or you know
I'm, you know my kids arestruggling, or you know things
(30:40):
are difficult at work, orsomething that I can't really do
anything about, but I have tojust kind of like let the
process wait out, Like Iremember when I was selling my
house, just feeling like Ineeded to do something all the
time because there was nothing Icould do about waiting until
the process was done.
(31:00):
Yeah, it's hard to wait.
It's hard to wait.
It's hard to just let it go.
Michaela (31:06):
That's another podcast .
Laura (31:09):
Why can't I let stuff go?
Maybe that's our next episode.
Michaela (31:14):
Yeah, so we can try to identify what we're trying to
avoid or what problem we'retrying to solve.
We can tell ourselves that wedon't need to solve that problem
, that we can maybe sit on it,wait, see what happens.
(31:34):
If it's not an emergency,emergency and we can use our
coping skills to like help calmour nervous system down so that
we're not in that fight orflight state and going into
burnout.
What else can we do to stop tohelp ourselves, stop fixing
things that are not our problem?
Laura (31:53):
I like the idea of just waiting a few minutes.
So like if I feel like this isurgent and I just set a timer
for three minutes and see ifit's still as urgent after three
minutes is over, that's good.
And if you wait three minutesand your system hasn't already
kind of processed throughwhatever was going on, then
(32:14):
maybe go solve the thing, do thething.
But what helps is the waitingperiod because it actually
allows your system enough timeto like, distract itself or kind
of naturally flow through theemotion of it all.
And so waiting three minutesand doing something else during
that time is a way for you tocope with the distress without
(32:35):
even recognizing that you'recoping with the distress.
Okay.
So that's another one.
I like that.
Michaela (32:42):
Yeah, I think that fits.
I mean just talking about likebeing in distress and like
walking away from the problem.
You know, like you're, you'regetting dysregulated from an art
, you're going to have anargument with your spouse or
whatever and you're like, okay,I just need to run to the
(33:02):
bathroom really quick.
I got.
You know, give yourself spaceto just get regulated a lot of
ways so that when you come backyou handle it in a mature way.
Laura (33:15):
Yeah, you need a, you need a pause.
It's like hitting the refreshbutton, hitting the pause button
and just going back to it witha clear head or with clear eyes,
because if the problem is trulya problem, it'll be there when
you get back.
It's not going anywhere.
Yeah, that's good.
Yeah, so fixing things as acoping mechanism is a high use
(33:41):
of energy that we maybe don'tneed to use.
What if we could just let it beunfixed and relax and then
prioritize the big problemsright, sizing the problem,
prioritize the big problems andlet go of the small problems.
(34:03):
I think we would all be alittle bit more regulated.
Definitely, it's a hard thingto do, but with practice it will
work.
Michaela (34:16):
I'll have to be thinking about that over the
next few weeks of like what isthis a big problem or a little
problem?
Laura (34:22):
Yeah, sizing the problem.
That's one of my favoritethings, like try that first and
then see if you can let go ofsome of the little stuff.
Thank you for listening to.
Why am I like this.
If you like our show, pleaseleave us a rating and review on
your favorite podcast platform.
Follow the show and share itwith your friends.
This episode was written andproduced by me, Laura Wood and
(34:44):
Micheala Beaver.
Our theme song is Making EndsMeet by Thick as Thieves, and a
special thanks to BenavieriCounseling and Coaching and
Active Healing PsychiatricServices for sponsoring this
show.
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