January 11, 2025 • 42 mins
Self-care can be challenging and often feels selfish, yet it is a crucial component of well-being. We explore the reasons behind our reluctance to prioritize ourselves, looking into childhood influences, societal pressures, and the importance of cultivating supportive networks.
• Discussing the difficulties of prioritizing self-care
• The connection between self-care and burnout
• Importance of modeling self-care for others
• Exploring barriers to self-care rooted in childhood
• Practical tips for integrating self-care into daily life
• The significance of asking for help and building support networks
• Balancing personal commitments with self-care practices
• Encouraging grace and forgiveness in self-care journeys
Laura's Free Course on Emotional Development and Regulation:
https://benavieri.com/neuroception-sign-up/
This show is sponsored by:
Core Self
Benavieri Counseling & Coaching
www.benavieri.com
Active Healing Psychiatric Services
www.activehealingpsych.com
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Laura (00:03):
Hello and welcome to.
Why Am I Like this?
The podcast for those whodidn't get enough hugs as a
child?
I'm Laura Wood and I'm a traumatherapist and I'm Michaela
Beaver.
Michaela (00:15):
I'm a psychiatric nurse practitioner.
Laura (00:17):
So, Michaela, why are we doing this podcast?
Michaela (00:21):
I'm so glad you asked.
We want to help you understandyourself a bit better how the
things you learned aboutyourself and the world in
childhood are still affectingyou today.
We want to figure out why arewe like this those random things
about ourselves that we mightwonder about, Like why am I so
jumpy?
Why am I so anxious?
Why do I take everythingpersonally?
(00:41):
Why are my thoughts so negative?
Why do I feel like I have tofix everything all the time?
Laura (00:48):
Yes, today we are talking about self-care and we're going
to try to answer the followingquestions why is self-care so
hard?
Why can I take care of everyoneand everything else, but I
can't take care of myself?
And how do I start doing better?
So let's get into it.
Why is self-care so hard?
Michaela (01:11):
Yeah, that's such a good question and I love this
conversation, especially aswe're coming into the new year
and people are going to startthinking about their plans for
how they want to make good,positive changes.
But self-care can be reallyhard because we feel like we
don't have enough time, there'sfeels like there's just not
(01:31):
enough hours in the day, Maybelike we feel like it's just
going to be like too much work,right.
Laura (01:42):
It can feel like a lot of work, right.
It can feel like, oh, I have todo this extra step and, you
know, nobody's going to care ifI don't do it.
Right, like when I'm doingsomething for everyone else or
I'm taking care of somethingthat's like affecting other
people, then I might let themdown or they might notice, or I
have.
You know they have to, they'regoing to be impacted.
(02:04):
Yeah, we see the results of ouryeah.
And then, when it's just me,it's like, well, I'll be fine,
like I don't need to do this, orlike it doesn't matter if I
look my best, or it doesn'tmatter if I, you know, am taking
care of myself, because nobodyelse is ever going to know.
Like it'll just be me thatknows that I'm not doing this
(02:28):
thing that I want to do, orwhatever.
Right.
Michaela (02:31):
I work from home.
Who needs to get out of mypajamas?
Right, I need to get out of mypajamas if I'm at home right,
right.
Laura (02:38):
Or like who cares if I gained these little a couple
pounds?
Like I can just fit into myclothes or I can buy new clothes
or whatever.
Like it's not a big deal, likenobody cares about me, I'm just
being vain.
Or I'm just being selfish.
Like sometimes I think peoplethink that if they're doing
things for themselves, then thatmakes them selfish.
Sure, when I think it's totallythe opposite.
(03:01):
You know, I think if you takecare of yourself, then you can
do better taking care of othersand you're also setting a good
example.
Like when you're taking care ofyourself, you're showing your
family, especially your kids,that they matter too and that
you are important and that theycan take care of themselves
without being selfish.
Michaela (03:20):
Right.
I think that you're leading byexample when you do these things
and people do notice.
Laura (03:28):
People do notice.
And I think that we're kiddingourselves when we say people
don't notice.
Yeah, Like if you feel yourbest, you're going to.
People are going to notice.
You're going to show updifferently, I think.
Michaela (03:44):
I think about the like filling your cup right, like
I'm going to pour my cup out andjust help everybody else and if
it's going to be fine.
But like, then you're empty andyou have nothing to give and
you're burned out and maybe youend up having, you know, a
chronic fatigue issue.
Right, um, because there'snothing left to give.
Um, versus like, okay, I'mgoing to fill my cup up and it's
(04:07):
going to just overflow andeverybody's going to feel that
I'm doing well um.
Laura (04:13):
You're happier, you're more vibrant and bright, Like
your vitality is more likeexuberant to people and to
people that love.
You are happy because you'rehappy.
Michaela (04:33):
Oh man, like if somebody does something for you
and they're like doing itbegrudgingly, that doesn't feel
good, right, I don't want that.
I don't want that help Like Ifeel bad more than I feel good,
that you can feel it Like it'snegative energy, like, oh fine,
I'll go do that thing for you.
Laura (04:53):
Right, Like if, if everybody, if somebody like
resents having to like take careof you or like do something
nice for you or whatever, likethat doesn't feel good at all.
I would totally know that youwere like just oh, I have to do
this, Like I'm obligated, but Idon't actually want to do it and
I don't actually like enjoyhelping or taking care of people
(05:13):
.
I just am like obligated to doit and I'm dragging on and I'm
just burnt out and I like peoplecan feel that.
Michaela (05:20):
I think Well, and I think that you can still want to
be helpful and you can stillhave a desire, but it just like
just it feels so draining thatthat's not the vibe that you're
giving off, even though you'relike I want to do this.
You're just people feelopposite when you're like just
kind of in that different mood.
Laura (05:42):
Well, and when you're not taking care of yourself,
there's a lot of impact in yourlife, right, like what you
mentioned earlier, like chronicfatigue.
You know, if we're not takingcare of ourselves, then we don't
feel as well, like I can evensay, over the last like couple
of weeks, just with the holiday,I have been eating like crap,
like just not doing my best ateating well and I feel yucky,
(06:07):
like it doesn't make me feelgood.
And when I eat better like Iwas before that, like I was
eating nutritious meals, like Ithink we just talked about this
the other day I'm like I justfeel like trash Probably because
I'm eating like crap and I'mnot having like good nutritious
meals that make me feel like fedand make me feel nourished and
(06:28):
alive, like I just feel kind ofcrummy.
Michaela (06:32):
I love that you brought this up, so what you
know, you're talking about thethings that maybe you're not
doing good, but are there anythings that you are doing that
are helpful for you to you know,care for yourself.
Laura (06:47):
Yeah, like I think right now.
So right now I actually I'mstarting my New Year's
resolution early, which is todrink more water.
So that's something that I'mdoing is I'm feeding my body
water that it needs in order tobe to survive.
Um, another thing I did theseare going to be really little.
I'm reaching hard for these,like cause I am not good at
(07:09):
self-care.
I'm just going to admit thatright now.
So I'm reaching really hard,but like I bought like hand
cream to carry in my purse sothat I can like make sure my
cuticles like don't get allgross.
And I'm like taking, you know,I'm doing my own nails or I'm
getting you know, I'm gettingsome stuff to do my nails so
that they can look pretty.
I put makeup on every day.
Like those are little thingsthat help me, like tell myself
(07:35):
that I matter.
Like instead of you know, I'mvery much like I'll do
everything for every and I'm atherapist, right, like I'll take
on everybody else's stuff andI'll do everything for everyone
and I'll take care of them.
But I will not like feed mysoul, I will not like do my own
work in a way that is likeindependent of, like going to
(07:56):
therapy.
Right, like I'll go to therapy,but like you want to tell me to
, you know, meditate every dayor something I'm going to be
like, nah, I'm not doing that.
Like so, I'm not a good, um,I'm not good at self-care.
I really want to be better.
Michaela (08:12):
Well, I think that you are doing things, you're making
steps in the right direction totake care of yourself.
It's hard.
Laura (08:20):
Yeah, and so I, this year , um, my boyfriend and I started
doing, um, we started like mealplanning and like meal prepping
and eating really healthy meals.
And so, um, we're doing thatand we, I was feeling better, he
was feeling better, like we'redoing great, and then the
holiday hits and then we're justlike man, whatever, I'm just
going to eat garbage, and justlike all the pie.
(08:41):
And so that like doesn't help,right, like what are you
supposed to do?
It's there, everybody broughtpie.
I'm supposed, like I'm going tosay no, come on, right, you
know.
So we kind of fell off thewagon, but we're getting back on
track this week.
All the leftovers are done,right, time's up, can't eat them
anymore.
Michaela (09:01):
So we're ready to go Like a couple of weeks until you
have to do it all over again.
That's exactly right.
Laura (09:07):
And then, but that we're only that one, I'm not hosting.
Like we're not hosting, we'reactually traveling, so we're not
going to have the leftovers tohave to eat and like feel guilty
for throwing out.
So I won't have to re-eat allthe food that I was in the
macaroni and cheese and thegravy and yes, yeah, so I won't
(09:27):
have to eat all of those again.
Michaela (09:28):
um, after the holiday, I'll make sure to um, buy like
individual, like containers,like yes, they're plastic, but
whatever they're, just for otherpeople to send home with them
to say like here you can haveall the turkey that you want.
Oh, you want pie, take this.
Laura (09:49):
That's so smart.
We did send home two piesbecause, like I'm telling you,
we had a lot of pies, so we senthome two of them and, um, so
that was out of our refrigerator, but you know we had.
So we had turkey and friedchicken for Thanksgiving and it
(10:11):
was so good.
I, I'm telling you, I ate friedchicken every morning for
breakfast for a week.
Like it was a terrible idea,but it was also really delicious
and I'm like honestly not sureif I regret it or not, but yeah,
so I'm back on track with myeating, just starting this week.
But yeah, I'm not.
(10:31):
I don't do as much as I wouldlike to do, that's for sure.
What about you?
Michaela (10:39):
Yeah, I think that self-care is hard.
I think that I have afour-year-old and a
seven-year-old, and so I canvery easily make excuses to not
do the things.
You know, I have a picky eater.
Oh, I guess I shouldn't makethat healthy meal.
What are they going to eat, youknow?
(11:03):
And that can be reallychallenging.
But I'm meal prepping.
We made like a chicken gnocchisoup and we're going to make
like a spaghetti squash kind ofmeal this week.
That is going to be really good, and so I'm just trying to
sprinkle in those things amongstthe times that maybe my husband
(11:25):
cooks and it isn't the mosthealthy.
I'm grateful that people arefed and that I don't have to
cook when that happens.
And you know, I'm not like.
I ran a half marathon last yearand this year I've decided that
I'm not going to train.
I just don't have the space orcapacity for it.
And so I want to get atreadmill for the office so that
(11:49):
I can walk when I'm likebetween clients or if I'm just
charting, because I have atreadmill at home that I had
full intentions of using andit's in my spare room bedroom.
The problem is, is that if I gorun on it or like walk on it or
whatever the kids can hear it,and then they want turns and
(12:11):
maybe I should be better atboundary setting and like just
walking the door and saying thisis mom's time.
Um, but I just like I use thatas an excuse to be like, well,
I'm going to wake them up.
Or, and it's true If my excuseto be like well, I'm going to
wake them up, or and it's trueIf my, if I wake up early, my
four-year-old knows he's gotlike six cents that he's like
mom's awake, I better get up.
(12:31):
Yeah, I like there, you know, Ifeel like he can hear stuff.
He's just like ready to go.
So then I make excuses not todo those kinds of things.
So it's just really like tryingto make balance and in those
areas.
So I have plans, but I have toimplement them yet.
Laura (12:48):
Yeah, I too have a treadmill in my spare room and I
used it for I did really goodlast year.
I was using it all the time andI was like working out and it
was great, and I can't rememberwhy I fell off the wagon, but I
fell off the wagon and it's beenreally hard to get back on.
Um, and you know, I think,cause I wake up early-ish before
(13:13):
I have to come to work, like Iusually show up at work, you
know, between like nine and 10,and I wake up at like seven, 30.
So I have the time to spend ahalf hour 45 minutes on the
treadmill.
So I need to just do more oflike, I need to use my time
Right, like I think you use theterm like you perceive to have
not enough time, right, and so Ithink I perceive that I don't
(13:37):
have time, and the reality is Ido have time.
Sometimes I don't have themental bandwidth, like, the
capacity, like you mentioned, tolike do the thing that I want
to do and I'd rather just likesit and, you know, be outside
with my dogs or like maybe watchTV or something like that.
(13:58):
But I can do the treadmillwhile I do the TV.
I mean I can't, you know, notevery single time I watch TV do
I have to be on the treadmill,but I could at least trade off a
couple of minutes.
So yeah, I mean I think we giveand give and give and give, and
that analogy of like filling upyour cup and just like pouring
(14:19):
it out, and that analogy of likefilling up your cup and just
like pouring it out, pouring itout, pouring it out.
We really could do a better jobof reminding ourselves that we
matter just as much as everybodyelse in our life, and when we
are happy, they are happybecause they love us.
Michaela (14:34):
Mm-hmm.
Laura (14:35):
And I think sometimes we forget that, that they are
paying attention.
Michaela (14:38):
I think sometimes we forget that that they are paying
attention?
Yeah for sure.
So what do you think thebarrier is like when you're in
the moment, right, like what'sthe barrier to?
I'm just going to get on thetreadmill.
Is it like that you don't havea plan?
Like you're out of habit and sonow you need to make a plan?
(14:58):
Like why, what helps you getback on?
Laura (15:02):
track.
I like that you mentioned aplan.
I think that's a part of it.
Like so okay For me.
I'm thinking about what wouldmy plan be?
Well, I need to take out myworkout clothes and maybe put
them on the top of my drawerinstead of like buried at the
bottom right, I need to like goand do that ahead of time, Make
(15:22):
sure I have something that fits,Cause that's been a struggle
Like since I since I stoppeddoing the treadmill like I don't
have stuff that fits, so I kindof don't feel that good about
myself, and so I'm just like ugh, like I don't want to like
squeeze into these sausageclothes and like get on the
treadmill.
But so I think we make it like Ilet that be an excuse, right?
(15:43):
I let that fact that I, youknow, am limited in what I can
choose to wear, Like I let thatbe an excuse as to like why I'm
not going and doing it.
Um, another thing that I coulddo for self-care that doesn't
feel like self-care is walkingmy dogs.
Okay, Like, going out for awalk in nature is like really
(16:04):
good for you, Like super goodfor you.
I want to walk my dog.
So now I'm trying to likemultitask my self-care in right
Like, why am I doing that?
I feel like I need to beproductive at the same time.
Michaela (16:16):
Well, I think that you are now able to rationalize it
with yourself and say well, thisis not for me, it's for my dogs
, and so now I don't have tomake it about me anymore, I can
make it about somebody else.
Laura (16:31):
Yeah, that makes it so much easier, doesn't it?
Michaela (16:36):
Yeah, and I think one of the biggest barriers to
wanting to go for a runsometimes is just the fact that
you have to wash my hair afterRight.
Laura (16:44):
That's a really good point that I didn't even think
about that, but that is anexcuse that I used to.
I'm like oh, I'm gonna have towash my hair.
I just washed it, great.
Michaela (16:55):
So good, right.
Oh, maybe, like in a couple ofdays, when it's a little
greasier, maybe I'll want tolike do that workout then.
Laura (17:02):
Yes.
What about non-productiveself-care, like?
So we're talking aboutproductive self-care right now.
We're talking about self-carethat, like leads to outcomes.
We're running, we're boostingendorphins, we're losing weight.
Maybe we're getting fit, we'refitting into our clothes.
We're feeling more confidentlosing weight.
Maybe we're getting fit, we'refitting into our clothes, we're
feeling more confident.
That's a productive self-care.
(17:23):
What about something like ameditation that I said earlier
that I don't really do?
What are some of the barriersto those kinds of self-care?
Michaela (17:33):
I think there's just a lot of distractions, right, I
would rather make my brain beactive, right, because it's hard
for me to sit with my ownthoughts.
I don't like how I feel when Imeditate, maybe you know.
It's just boring, and I don'twant to be bored.
I'd rather scroll on Instagramor whatever.
(17:56):
And so it's like a trade off,like if I don't get to, if I do
this, then I can't do that, um,or like I just don't have time
during the day, like to takethat break, like it doesn't feel
like I have five minutes togive.
Laura (18:11):
Yeah, I wonder what other , as you're talking about that
I'm thinking about?
Okay, if meditation, isn't it?
What other types of self-careis there I'm thinking about?
Okay, if meditation isn't it?
Michaela (18:22):
what other types of self-care is there?
What can self-care be Right?
When we talked about, like youknow, my ADHD clients or my
anxious clients that are justlike thoughts are just racing,
it's really challenging for themto slow down and stop and
meditate.
So that feels uncomfortable forthem because those thoughts
just keep coming and they don'tknow that that's okay, just let
(18:44):
the thoughts come and go.
But that like just doesn't feelcomfortable for them because
those thoughts just keep comingand they don't know that.
That's okay, just let thethoughts come and go, but that
like just doesn't feelcomfortable for them.
So then we try more active formsof care, like progressive
muscle relaxation, where you'refocusing on tightening your
muscles and then relaxing them,like starting from your toes and
working your way up to yourface right, and just kind of
taking a moment to just tightenand relax our muscles.
And I think that that helps uscreate a good connection between
(19:04):
our mind and our body and thenwe can recognize when we're
having tension in our body andchoose to relax in those moments
.
And the other thing that Irecommend doing is guided
meditations, so kind of likeyour safe, calm space idea, like
we do a guided meditation orlike we imagine ourselves being
in a place that's really calmingfor us.
(19:25):
They're way more activelyengaging for the brain, and so
some people that have a hardtime just like shutting it down
and being quiet and having nothoughts.
They prefer those kinds ofactivities.
Laura (19:38):
Yeah, that makes a lot of sense.
Like a guided meditation,instead of being on your own,
could be much more engaging thanjust sitting there with your
own thoughts and trying to likelet them come and go, because
that is a hard thing to do andit's a hard thing to do and stay
present for Like sometimes itfeels like you could just zone
out and that's not necessarilythe goal.
(19:59):
The goal is to really bepresent in the moment and like
experience the environment.
Another thing that we can dofor self-care is like taking a
walk in nature, even if it's notwith the dogs, but like
experiencing nature is actuallyshown to like increase your
vitality because you are likearound all of these living
(20:21):
things and like the creatures inthe world and, um, the plants
and flowers and things like that.
Noticing that stuff is boostsyour own immunity and your own
vitality in your body.
Um, that's another good one.
Michaela (20:34):
That made me think of when you were just talking, was
also doing, like you know,making time to spend with
friends.
You know so you're activelysetting time to just be with
people and socialize, you knowwhen they I think of, like the,
that Netflix, like the bluezones or something like that
(20:55):
like that was one of the thingsthat made people live longer was
, you know, socializing aroundmeals and stuff.
Laura (21:04):
Yeah, I love that Like a form of self-care could be going
out with your friends once aweek or once a month or once a
quarter or something like that.
I think sometimes I hearpushback about self-care because
they don't know what it is.
We don't know what self-caremeans.
We think, oh, that means I haveto go to yoga or like I have to
meditate on my own or I have to, you know, knit or crochet or
(21:26):
something like that.
Or go to a spa.
Like self-care doesn't have tobe a spa day.
Right, can be a lot more thanthat.
And you know, just doingsomething that you enjoy, like
cooking.
If you enjoy cooking, that's aform of self-care.
If you enjoy, you know.
(21:47):
If you enjoy knitting, if youenjoy crocheting, those are
those can be self-care.
But if that's not for you, itdoesn't have to be.
It's the trick is findingsomething that you actually
enjoy and that you connect withon like a meaningful level, that
you connect with on like ameaningful level.
Michaela (22:01):
So what I'm hearing you say is that you self-care is
literally just paying attentionto yourself and meeting your
own needs.
Laura (22:14):
Yes, that is exactly what I'm saying, but you said it way
better.
Michaela (22:20):
Well, that's what, as you were saying, all that stuff,
I'm like, oh, that makes somuch sense, Like I never been
like really thought about it inthat way either.
Laura (22:28):
Yeah, like if you can connect with yourself, pay
attention to yourself, meet yourown needs, imagine how
fulfilled that could help youfeel.
And imagine how fulfilled thatcould help you feel.
And I could see a lot ofbarriers to that, especially
based on you know kind of whatwe were talking about before we
started recording like feelinglike if somebody feels like they
(22:51):
don't matter, or if somebodyfeels like they're like nobody
else cares about them or nobodyloves them, so like why bother?
Or if somebody feels like ifsomebody has depression, it can
be really difficult to care foroneself and just even do the
basic stuff.
Or if somebody really feelslike they are kind of isolated
(23:16):
and alone, they might not wantto do things that are fulfilling
to themselves.
They might just feel kind ofkind of stranded out in and just
zone out instead, or whatever.
You know, I think having thosemental health challenges can
make self-care really hard.
Michaela (23:37):
Yeah, what's a lesson that maybe happened in childhood
.
That might make someone have aharder time taking care of
themselves.
Laura (23:51):
I think if you had to raise yourself as a kid like
parentified children tend not tobe good at self-care because
they are taking care of everyoneelse and taking care of
everyone else's emotions.
Because we're parentified,because we're required to do
(24:11):
work that's not our work to do,meaning we have to take care of
other people or we have to takecare of ourselves at too young
of an age where that's notdevelopmentally appropriate, and
so we kind of burn ourselvesout in that way and then we
resent having to take care ofourselves because of our
upbringing.
Another thing is that self-carethe belief that self-care is
(24:35):
selfish can come from childhood,like why are you doing that?
You need to be taking care ofeveryone else?
Or you know be the biggerperson, or you know put yourself
aside and focus on others.
And you know those virtuousqualities, if overused, to be
compassionate and be reallyengaged with other people and
(24:57):
taking care of other people andfocusing on them.
If that's overused by parents,like trying to get their kids to
be not selfish, and ifselfishness is like a common
theme, then we can start tothink that self-care is selfish.
Michaela (25:11):
That's fair.
The other thing that I wasthinking about, or I love that
you were able to like put thatinto perspective so people can
think about, like how is it?
How did I learn this behavior?
Just come out of nowhere, right, it's a learned behavior for
some reason.
And then the other thing that Iwas thinking about like you know
(25:34):
, we're talking about self-care,but we can also take self-care
too far, right.
Like, well, I said, like I saidthat it's something that makes
you feel good.
We're talking about takingbreaks and like enjoying things,
but also like we could getaddicted to video games and do
(25:54):
nothing but video games and thenwe don't go do other things
that actually would be maybehelpful for us.
So we're not saying get lost inthis thing and oh, this is
permission to go out with myfriends, that I need to take
care of myself, like there are.
There is balance that we need,because we need to make sure
(26:16):
that we're, you know, going towork and doing our job and, you
know, taking care of the hardthings in the house, like, so we
still have to have balance andthere are things that still need
to be done.
So that was the other thing Iwas thinking about.
Laura (26:31):
Yeah, I think that's such a good point, right, like it's
not all or nothing.
Everything is in moderation.
We have to have we have adynamic life, right, we have a
dynamic existence.
Part of that is work, Part ofthat is play, part of that is
raising kids or spending timewith your family or, you know,
cooking or cleaning, doing hardthings.
(26:52):
But we also have to work in thegood things and the fun things
and the calming things.
But we want to make sure thatthere's a distinction between
like taking care of ourself anddoing some, like taking a
healthy break and then zoningout and dissociating, and
totally just like abandoning theworld and shutting down, Like I
(27:15):
think that's another thing thathappens in childhood, where
often, where treatment resistantdepression or depression comes
from, can be that that state ofshutdown when we've like it's
like a collapse feeling, it'slike a I just can't get up, I
just can't do anything else,like I'm completely shut down
(27:35):
and numb to the world.
Down and numb to the world.
And I think it's important torecognize that if that's what's
happening for you, like thatcould be something deeper than
just, you know, motivation oryou know it's not laziness.
Like that deep level of likecollapse and shutdown is
something that really that wecan become, that we can learn in
(27:56):
childhood because of ourtraumatic experiences, where if
we needed help and help wasn'tcoming, or if something really
scary happened to us and we wereall alone, and or if we were
chronically hurt or abused inchildhood, that shutdown
mechanism turns on and itbecomes stuck on.
If we can't escape, If it's aninescapable situation, then
(28:20):
often that shutdown mechanismwill get stuck and and we it can
lead to depression later inlife.
That's so interesting.
So that can make it really hardto take care of oneself,
because when we're shut down,we're basically giving up the
will to thrive.
We're saying like I might notdie but I like the thriving is
(28:42):
impossible yeah.
Michaela (28:44):
And so not all forms of not being able to do
self-care are just like.
Some of these things are moreintense and require more support
than just hey.
Create a plan.
Laura (28:59):
Yeah, I think so.
I think on some level likegetting up earlier, you know,
eating breakfast in the morning,taking action steps like those
are really helpful.
Not everybody can just do thatwithout additional intervention.
I think that was something thatI personally struggled with for
(29:22):
a long time was just thatchronic, like shutdown of my own
, like suppression of myself.
I was still taking care ofeveryone and everything, but
just not taking care of myselfat all and just like not even
like didn't even care that thatwasn't happening, like it just
was, like I can't, I don't havethe capacity for that, and so
until therapy and interventionsthat were healing of my trauma,
(29:45):
then I was able to really shiftthat mindset and start thinking
you know, I do really matter andit is a gift to take care of
myself and it's um rewarding andit's something that um gives me
meaning in my life every day.
Right, you deserve to care foryourself.
Yeah, you deserve to care foryourself and be cared for.
Michaela (30:07):
Yeah, you deserve to care for yourself and be cared
for Absolutely Well.
That made me think of like thisother piece of things which is
okay.
So we, my husband and I, wentand hung out with you for your
birthday celebration and I youknow I have mom guilt, like I
(30:33):
don't leave the house, my kidsbehind.
You know often that's notsomething that I do.
No, I was able to manage themom guilt and be okay.
But how can can you give anyadvice to some of these parents
out there moms specifically,maybe dads but like to help them
be able to like regulate theirnervous system and know that
it's okay and that their kid'sgoing to be okay when they're
(30:53):
separated from them, because Iknow that can be challenging.
Laura (30:57):
Yeah, that can be a huge challenge and I think that's a
big barrier to self-care too.
When you have kids, it's like Ishould be spending this time
with them or doing something forthem instead of doing something
for myself.
I think that you can movethrough that in a number of ways
.
One thing is that no amount ofguilt is going to improve your
(31:20):
child's like development.
Like what we really want is forour children to be like happy
and healthy and so like guiltdoes not contribute to that in
any meaningful way.
So there's that.
It's just not productive.
The other thing is that kidsneed to learn a healthy
separation.
So they need to know thatyou're their stable base, so
(31:42):
like you're going to be therefor them and then you can leave
and come back and that's healthyand safe because you're never
going to abandon them.
You're going to come back andthey're going to be okay.
They also need a healthy levelof separation, because kids up
until a certain age and I can'tremember the exact number of
months of development, but theydon't even see themselves as
(32:04):
external from you.
They literally think that theyare you.
You're the same, you're oneperson.
Your feelings are theirfeelings, their feelings are
your feelings Like there is noseparation or distinction
between the two of you?
Yeah, and so they need to knowthat they're a whole person and
they have skills and they haveinterests and they have things,
(32:24):
and that you're a whole personand you have skills and you have
interests, and you have thingsthat you like and you have
things that you need to do.
That's outside of them, and thetwo of you together can be two
whole people who love each otherand are connected and are
always going to be in thisrelationship.
That's meaningful, but that youcan also be separated and
that's OK.
(32:45):
Kids need to learn that lesson.
That's a part of growing up anda part of life, because they
need to be able to trustthemselves.
They can't just rely on you.
Michaela (32:54):
So what I'm hearing you say is that separation from
your kids is good for them.
That's what I'm saying.
That's the mantra that I wouldrecommend that people use if
they're struggling with thatthought or that concept that,
like I can't leave them, theyneed me, like what, what if
something bad happens?
So this is good for them, it isgood for them.
(33:16):
The other side of that that Ithink is also hard is asking for
help.
Right, so, like I want to go dothe self-care, but I have this
part of me that doesn't likeasking for help because that,
like, I'm putting my work onother people and that doesn't
feel good.
Laura (33:35):
I think in that case, the self-care in and of itself is
the asking for help, like thatis a form of self-care, like
letting someone know your limitand saying, hey, I'm maxed out
right now.
I need some support.
Is a self-care that you'reteaching yourself is okay to do.
You're saying I can delegatethis and I can ask someone
(33:57):
because they love me or theycare about me and they
appreciate me and they want thebest for me and I'm gonna trust
in their character that theyfeel all those ways and that
they'd be willing to help me.
And it's not about me giving upmy own work.
It's about me sharing my lifewith somebody who's in my life
(34:17):
for a reason, like if it's mypartner, they're my partner,
they chose to be my partner,they want to partner with me,
right, like they want to supportand help me.
So I'm giving them anopportunity to do that and
that's fulfilling for them too,just like it's fulfilling for me
to take care of them.
Yeah.
Michaela (34:35):
I love that.
That makes a lot of sense.
Sometimes it's not that easy.
We know that sometimes partnersdon't always give you the idea
that they're appreciative ofthem.
That's fair, but you should doit anyways because it is good
for you.
Laura (34:53):
It is good for you, and it's good for you to know that
you don't have to do everythingon your own, like you don't have
to hold this burden all byyourself, you don't have to
shoulder this all by yourself.
It's not just you in this worldand in this environment, in
your life.
Like you're, you're independentbut an autonomous, but you're
also supported and loved.
(35:14):
And when we don't have a lot ofpeople in our life that show us
that it can, that can feeluntrue, but we still deserve to
feel supported and loved.
And so then, maybe I thinkhaving really healthy boundaries
and setting your own limits andhaving boundaries with people
who and the way that they treatyou, is also a really important
(35:38):
aspect of self-care.
Michaela (35:39):
Sure, Well, and when you're saying all that, it made
me think like setting boundariesand whatever.
It made me think, well, okay,maybe that person that is
feeling that kind of way isn'ttaking care of themselves and
they also need some self-care,and so you can offer to make
sure that they're getting outand doing things to get their
(36:00):
own self-care.
Maybe they will feel less of akind of way when you're needing
support.
Yeah, absolutely.
Laura (36:10):
I think we resent helping others when we feel like we're
maxed out and we're doing toomuch for everyone else, and
that's a big, it's kind ofprojection.
Like I think that's a big partof it is when we, when stuff
like really bothers us aboutother people, a lot of the time
it's because it brings somethingout in us that we don't realize
or we're not fully accepting orwe're not really ready to
(36:32):
acknowledge.
Like, if I get irritated withsomebody about something, that
might be because, well, I'mirritated with myself for either
not doing it for myself first,or I'm irritated with somebody
who hurt me in the past in thatsame way.
Or or right, like there's allkinds of things that it kind of
musters up when we start to getupset with people, and so it's
(36:54):
important to look inside and belike okay, why am I upset that
this person needs my help?
Um, what is what's coming upfor me that's making it really
hard for me to support thisperson?
Is it that I'm not gettingenough support?
I'm not supporting myselfenough?
Know, or I feel resentment orsomething like that from the
past.
Michaela (37:14):
I love that.
That's such a good way oflooking at it.
That reminds me of somethinglike you know, I heard once was
like hey, I cannot react becauseI've done my work right.
Like you can be in a situationbecause and I can treat you with
respect because I've done mywork right.
Like you can be in a situationbecause and I can treat you with
respect because I've done mywork.
So if you're having feelingscoming up, it's really what's
(37:36):
going on inside me and reallybackwards, back internally, to
say, oh, why is this affectingme?
It can be really hard to do.
Laura (37:46):
It can be really hard to do and that's a big part of
therapy too is gaining insight.
Like I always say, you can'tsee your own face without a
mirror.
Like I, the therapist reflectsback those things that you're,
that are coming up in you,because you, when you're in the
middle of it, you can't alwayssee what's really going on
because you're too deep in it.
So we need someone else to giveback some insight and sort of
(38:12):
repeat back what we're sayingand, you know, ask questions
like clarifying questions, sothat we have to really think
through and define, like, wherethat does come from.
Sometimes it's not somethingthat do on our own.
Michaela (38:25):
Yeah, so we have talked a lot about why self-care
can be so hard.
There's a ton of reasons,apparently, yes, and we know why
, like why we have to feel likewe can take care of everybody
(38:49):
else and not ourselves.
Is there anything else that wecan do to start doing better?
Laura (38:55):
Yeah, I think doing better starts with giving
yourself reasonable expectations, like not putting so much on a
plan that if you don't do itlike if you say I'm going to do
this every day and then youdon't do it one day that doesn't
mean you failed.
Just do it tomorrow.
Like pick up where you left off.
(39:18):
Don't let yourself feel there'sno such thing as back at square
one.
We can't go back in time.
Right, we can.
We're only ever moving forward.
We can't go back in time.
So if you skip it, then do itthe next day and you're back on
track and you're just fine.
Um, I think reasonableexpectations forgiveness if we
(39:38):
don't meet our expectationsright away um, and giving
ourselves grace to explore andlearn, like what we actually
enjoy, because we might not know.
You know, building arelationship with yourself
starts with like explore,exploration, and like looking at
(40:01):
yourself and thinking like, doI even like this?
I don't know if I like this.
Why am I trying to do it like Idon't want to like?
This is not self-care if it'snot something that I actually
feel like, I like or is any kindof gives me any kind of meaning
or benefit, you know.
So that self-exploration Ithink it's really important.
Michaela (40:21):
I think managing what your expectations of the outcome
is going to be right.
I think that's another piecelike, not just within, like the
physical, like how I look orwhatever, but like, um, how you
feel about it or how you feelafter, like it takes time to let
these things you know build andsee the benefits of our actions
(40:46):
make up for all the ground oftime that we were like not doing
the things.
Laura (40:53):
Absolutely.
It takes practice for our brainand our nervous system to
recognize something as a new,like habit and benefit.
We don't just hear somethingonce and then, all of a sudden,
we know it.
That's just not how stuff works.
We have to repeat it and wehave to experience it, and we
have to go through it adifferent way and gain different
(41:14):
insight.
And doing all the things thatwe do when we learn something
new is applied here too.
It's not just going to be oh, Idid this one time and I feel
great.
You know, it's a practice.
It takes work and it takeseffort and accountability to say
like I'm going to make thischange in my life because I
deserve to.
(41:34):
Yeah, that's good.
Yeah, I think that's a goodplace to leave it Agreed.
So thank you so much for thisvery helpful conversation about
self-care.
I think I learned a little bitabout my own self-care habits
that I need to change and workon and focus on and increase my
(41:56):
priorities Same.
So that'll be folded into ourNew Year's resolutions this year
, I think yeah, and thank you somuch for listening to why am I
like this?
If you like our show, pleaseleave us a rating and review on
your favorite podcast platform.
Follow the show and share itwith your friends.
(42:18):
This episode was written andproduced by me, laura wood and
Michaela Beaver.
Our theme song is making endsmeet by thick as thieves, and a
special thanks to Benavieri,counseling and coaching and
active healing psychiatricservices for sponsoring our show
.
Is Making Ends Meet by Thick asThieves.
And a special thanks toBenavieri counseling and
Coaching, and Active HealingPsychiatric Services for
sponsoring our show.
Hello and welcome to.
Why Am I Like this?
The podcast for those whodidn't get enough hugs as a
child?
I'm Laura Wood and I'm a traumatherapist and I'm Michaela
Beaver.
Michaela (00:15):
I'm a psychiatric nurse practitioner.
Laura (00:17):
So, Michaela, why are we doing this podcast?
Michaela (00:21):
I'm so glad you asked.
We want to help you understandyourself a bit better how the
things you learned aboutyourself and the world in
childhood are still affectingyou today.
We want to figure out why arewe like this those random things
about ourselves that we mightwonder about, Like why am I so
jumpy?
Why am I so anxious?
Why do I take everythingpersonally?
(00:41):
Why are my thoughts so negative?
Why do I feel like I have tofix everything all the time?
Laura (00:48):
Yes, today we are talking about self-care and we're going
to try to answer the followingquestions why is self-care so
hard?
Why can I take care of everyoneand everything else, but I
can't take care of myself?
And how do I start doing better?
So let's get into it.
Why is self-care so hard?
Michaela (01:11):
Yeah, that's such a good question and I love this
conversation, especially aswe're coming into the new year
and people are going to startthinking about their plans for
how they want to make good,positive changes.
But self-care can be reallyhard because we feel like we
don't have enough time, there'sfeels like there's just not
(01:31):
enough hours in the day, Maybelike we feel like it's just
going to be like too much work,right.
Laura (01:42):
It can feel like a lot of work, right.
It can feel like, oh, I have todo this extra step and, you
know, nobody's going to care ifI don't do it.
Right, like when I'm doingsomething for everyone else or
I'm taking care of somethingthat's like affecting other
people, then I might let themdown or they might notice, or I
have.
You know they have to, they'regoing to be impacted.
(02:04):
Yeah, we see the results of ouryeah.
And then, when it's just me,it's like, well, I'll be fine,
like I don't need to do this, orlike it doesn't matter if I
look my best, or it doesn'tmatter if I, you know, am taking
care of myself, because nobodyelse is ever going to know.
Like it'll just be me thatknows that I'm not doing this
(02:28):
thing that I want to do, orwhatever.
Right.
Michaela (02:31):
I work from home.
Who needs to get out of mypajamas?
Right, I need to get out of mypajamas if I'm at home right,
right.
Laura (02:38):
Or like who cares if I gained these little a couple
pounds?
Like I can just fit into myclothes or I can buy new clothes
or whatever.
Like it's not a big deal, likenobody cares about me, I'm just
being vain.
Or I'm just being selfish.
Like sometimes I think peoplethink that if they're doing
things for themselves, then thatmakes them selfish.
Sure, when I think it's totallythe opposite.
(03:01):
You know, I think if you takecare of yourself, then you can
do better taking care of othersand you're also setting a good
example.
Like when you're taking care ofyourself, you're showing your
family, especially your kids,that they matter too and that
you are important and that theycan take care of themselves
without being selfish.
Michaela (03:20):
Right.
I think that you're leading byexample when you do these things
and people do notice.
Laura (03:28):
People do notice.
And I think that we're kiddingourselves when we say people
don't notice.
Yeah, Like if you feel yourbest, you're going to.
People are going to notice.
You're going to show updifferently, I think.
Michaela (03:44):
I think about the like filling your cup right, like
I'm going to pour my cup out andjust help everybody else and if
it's going to be fine.
But like, then you're empty andyou have nothing to give and
you're burned out and maybe youend up having, you know, a
chronic fatigue issue.
Right, um, because there'snothing left to give.
Um, versus like, okay, I'mgoing to fill my cup up and it's
(04:07):
going to just overflow andeverybody's going to feel that
I'm doing well um.
Laura (04:13):
You're happier, you're more vibrant and bright, Like
your vitality is more likeexuberant to people and to
people that love.
You are happy because you'rehappy.
Michaela (04:33):
Oh man, like if somebody does something for you
and they're like doing itbegrudgingly, that doesn't feel
good, right, I don't want that.
I don't want that help Like Ifeel bad more than I feel good,
that you can feel it Like it'snegative energy, like, oh fine,
I'll go do that thing for you.
Laura (04:53):
Right, Like if, if everybody, if somebody like
resents having to like take careof you or like do something
nice for you or whatever, likethat doesn't feel good at all.
I would totally know that youwere like just oh, I have to do
this, Like I'm obligated, but Idon't actually want to do it and
I don't actually like enjoyhelping or taking care of people
(05:13):
.
I just am like obligated to doit and I'm dragging on and I'm
just burnt out and I like peoplecan feel that.
Michaela (05:20):
I think Well, and I think that you can still want to
be helpful and you can stillhave a desire, but it just like
just it feels so draining thatthat's not the vibe that you're
giving off, even though you'relike I want to do this.
You're just people feelopposite when you're like just
kind of in that different mood.
Laura (05:42):
Well, and when you're not taking care of yourself,
there's a lot of impact in yourlife, right, like what you
mentioned earlier, like chronicfatigue.
You know, if we're not takingcare of ourselves, then we don't
feel as well, like I can evensay, over the last like couple
of weeks, just with the holiday,I have been eating like crap,
like just not doing my best ateating well and I feel yucky,
(06:07):
like it doesn't make me feelgood.
And when I eat better like Iwas before that, like I was
eating nutritious meals, like Ithink we just talked about this
the other day I'm like I justfeel like trash Probably because
I'm eating like crap and I'mnot having like good nutritious
meals that make me feel like fedand make me feel nourished and
(06:28):
alive, like I just feel kind ofcrummy.
Michaela (06:32):
I love that you brought this up, so what you
know, you're talking about thethings that maybe you're not
doing good, but are there anythings that you are doing that
are helpful for you to you know,care for yourself.
Laura (06:47):
Yeah, like I think right now.
So right now I actually I'mstarting my New Year's
resolution early, which is todrink more water.
So that's something that I'mdoing is I'm feeding my body
water that it needs in order tobe to survive.
Um, another thing I did theseare going to be really little.
I'm reaching hard for these,like cause I am not good at
(07:09):
self-care.
I'm just going to admit thatright now.
So I'm reaching really hard,but like I bought like hand
cream to carry in my purse sothat I can like make sure my
cuticles like don't get allgross.
And I'm like taking, you know,I'm doing my own nails or I'm
getting you know, I'm gettingsome stuff to do my nails so
that they can look pretty.
I put makeup on every day.
Like those are little thingsthat help me, like tell myself
(07:35):
that I matter.
Like instead of you know, I'mvery much like I'll do
everything for every and I'm atherapist, right, like I'll take
on everybody else's stuff andI'll do everything for everyone
and I'll take care of them.
But I will not like feed mysoul, I will not like do my own
work in a way that is likeindependent of, like going to
(07:56):
therapy.
Right, like I'll go to therapy,but like you want to tell me to
, you know, meditate every dayor something I'm going to be
like, nah, I'm not doing that.
Like so, I'm not a good, um,I'm not good at self-care.
I really want to be better.
Michaela (08:12):
Well, I think that you are doing things, you're making
steps in the right direction totake care of yourself.
It's hard.
Laura (08:20):
Yeah, and so I, this year , um, my boyfriend and I started
doing, um, we started like mealplanning and like meal prepping
and eating really healthy meals.
And so, um, we're doing thatand we, I was feeling better, he
was feeling better, like we'redoing great, and then the
holiday hits and then we're justlike man, whatever, I'm just
going to eat garbage, and justlike all the pie.
(08:41):
And so that like doesn't help,right, like what are you
supposed to do?
It's there, everybody broughtpie.
I'm supposed, like I'm going tosay no, come on, right, you
know.
So we kind of fell off thewagon, but we're getting back on
track this week.
All the leftovers are done,right, time's up, can't eat them
anymore.
Michaela (09:01):
So we're ready to go Like a couple of weeks until you
have to do it all over again.
That's exactly right.
Laura (09:07):
And then, but that we're only that one, I'm not hosting.
Like we're not hosting, we'reactually traveling, so we're not
going to have the leftovers tohave to eat and like feel guilty
for throwing out.
So I won't have to re-eat allthe food that I was in the
macaroni and cheese and thegravy and yes, yeah, so I won't
(09:27):
have to eat all of those again.
Michaela (09:28):
um, after the holiday, I'll make sure to um, buy like
individual, like containers,like yes, they're plastic, but
whatever they're, just for otherpeople to send home with them
to say like here you can haveall the turkey that you want.
Oh, you want pie, take this.
Laura (09:49):
That's so smart.
We did send home two piesbecause, like I'm telling you,
we had a lot of pies, so we senthome two of them and, um, so
that was out of our refrigerator, but you know we had.
So we had turkey and friedchicken for Thanksgiving and it
(10:11):
was so good.
I, I'm telling you, I ate friedchicken every morning for
breakfast for a week.
Like it was a terrible idea,but it was also really delicious
and I'm like honestly not sureif I regret it or not, but yeah,
so I'm back on track with myeating, just starting this week.
But yeah, I'm not.
(10:31):
I don't do as much as I wouldlike to do, that's for sure.
What about you?
Michaela (10:39):
Yeah, I think that self-care is hard.
I think that I have afour-year-old and a
seven-year-old, and so I canvery easily make excuses to not
do the things.
You know, I have a picky eater.
Oh, I guess I shouldn't makethat healthy meal.
What are they going to eat, youknow?
(11:03):
And that can be reallychallenging.
But I'm meal prepping.
We made like a chicken gnocchisoup and we're going to make
like a spaghetti squash kind ofmeal this week.
That is going to be really good, and so I'm just trying to
sprinkle in those things amongstthe times that maybe my husband
(11:25):
cooks and it isn't the mosthealthy.
I'm grateful that people arefed and that I don't have to
cook when that happens.
And you know, I'm not like.
I ran a half marathon last yearand this year I've decided that
I'm not going to train.
I just don't have the space orcapacity for it.
And so I want to get atreadmill for the office so that
(11:49):
I can walk when I'm likebetween clients or if I'm just
charting, because I have atreadmill at home that I had
full intentions of using andit's in my spare room bedroom.
The problem is, is that if I gorun on it or like walk on it or
whatever the kids can hear it,and then they want turns and
(12:11):
maybe I should be better atboundary setting and like just
walking the door and saying thisis mom's time.
Um, but I just like I use thatas an excuse to be like, well,
I'm going to wake them up.
Or, and it's true If my excuseto be like well, I'm going to
wake them up, or and it's trueIf my, if I wake up early, my
four-year-old knows he's gotlike six cents that he's like
mom's awake, I better get up.
(12:31):
Yeah, I like there, you know, Ifeel like he can hear stuff.
He's just like ready to go.
So then I make excuses not todo those kinds of things.
So it's just really like tryingto make balance and in those
areas.
So I have plans, but I have toimplement them yet.
Laura (12:48):
Yeah, I too have a treadmill in my spare room and I
used it for I did really goodlast year.
I was using it all the time andI was like working out and it
was great, and I can't rememberwhy I fell off the wagon, but I
fell off the wagon and it's beenreally hard to get back on.
Um, and you know, I think,cause I wake up early-ish before
(13:13):
I have to come to work, like Iusually show up at work, you
know, between like nine and 10,and I wake up at like seven, 30.
So I have the time to spend ahalf hour 45 minutes on the
treadmill.
So I need to just do more oflike, I need to use my time
Right, like I think you use theterm like you perceive to have
not enough time, right, and so Ithink I perceive that I don't
(13:37):
have time, and the reality is Ido have time.
Sometimes I don't have themental bandwidth, like, the
capacity, like you mentioned, tolike do the thing that I want
to do and I'd rather just likesit and, you know, be outside
with my dogs or like maybe watchTV or something like that.
(13:58):
But I can do the treadmillwhile I do the TV.
I mean I can't, you know, notevery single time I watch TV do
I have to be on the treadmill,but I could at least trade off a
couple of minutes.
So yeah, I mean I think we giveand give and give and give, and
that analogy of like filling upyour cup and just like pouring
(14:19):
it out, and that analogy of likefilling up your cup and just
like pouring it out, pouring itout, pouring it out.
We really could do a better jobof reminding ourselves that we
matter just as much as everybodyelse in our life, and when we
are happy, they are happybecause they love us.
Michaela (14:34):
Mm-hmm.
Laura (14:35):
And I think sometimes we forget that, that they are
paying attention.
Michaela (14:38):
I think sometimes we forget that that they are paying
attention?
Yeah for sure.
So what do you think thebarrier is like when you're in
the moment, right, like what'sthe barrier to?
I'm just going to get on thetreadmill.
Is it like that you don't havea plan?
Like you're out of habit and sonow you need to make a plan?
(14:58):
Like why, what helps you getback on?
Laura (15:02):
track.
I like that you mentioned aplan.
I think that's a part of it.
Like so okay For me.
I'm thinking about what wouldmy plan be?
Well, I need to take out myworkout clothes and maybe put
them on the top of my drawerinstead of like buried at the
bottom right, I need to like goand do that ahead of time, Make
(15:22):
sure I have something that fits,Cause that's been a struggle
Like since I since I stoppeddoing the treadmill like I don't
have stuff that fits, so I kindof don't feel that good about
myself, and so I'm just like ugh, like I don't want to like
squeeze into these sausageclothes and like get on the
treadmill.
But so I think we make it like Ilet that be an excuse, right?
(15:43):
I let that fact that I, youknow, am limited in what I can
choose to wear, Like I let thatbe an excuse as to like why I'm
not going and doing it.
Um, another thing that I coulddo for self-care that doesn't
feel like self-care is walkingmy dogs.
Okay, Like, going out for awalk in nature is like really
(16:04):
good for you, Like super goodfor you.
I want to walk my dog.
So now I'm trying to likemultitask my self-care in right
Like, why am I doing that?
I feel like I need to beproductive at the same time.
Michaela (16:16):
Well, I think that you are now able to rationalize it
with yourself and say well, thisis not for me, it's for my dogs
, and so now I don't have tomake it about me anymore, I can
make it about somebody else.
Laura (16:31):
Yeah, that makes it so much easier, doesn't it?
Michaela (16:36):
Yeah, and I think one of the biggest barriers to
wanting to go for a runsometimes is just the fact that
you have to wash my hair afterRight.
Laura (16:44):
That's a really good point that I didn't even think
about that, but that is anexcuse that I used to.
I'm like oh, I'm gonna have towash my hair.
I just washed it, great.
Michaela (16:55):
So good, right.
Oh, maybe, like in a couple ofdays, when it's a little
greasier, maybe I'll want tolike do that workout then.
Laura (17:02):
Yes.
What about non-productiveself-care, like?
So we're talking aboutproductive self-care right now.
We're talking about self-carethat, like leads to outcomes.
We're running, we're boostingendorphins, we're losing weight.
Maybe we're getting fit, we'refitting into our clothes.
We're feeling more confidentlosing weight.
Maybe we're getting fit, we'refitting into our clothes, we're
feeling more confident.
That's a productive self-care.
(17:23):
What about something like ameditation that I said earlier
that I don't really do?
What are some of the barriersto those kinds of self-care?
Michaela (17:33):
I think there's just a lot of distractions, right, I
would rather make my brain beactive, right, because it's hard
for me to sit with my ownthoughts.
I don't like how I feel when Imeditate, maybe you know.
It's just boring, and I don'twant to be bored.
I'd rather scroll on Instagramor whatever.
(17:56):
And so it's like a trade off,like if I don't get to, if I do
this, then I can't do that, um,or like I just don't have time
during the day, like to takethat break, like it doesn't feel
like I have five minutes togive.
Laura (18:11):
Yeah, I wonder what other , as you're talking about that
I'm thinking about?
Okay, if meditation, isn't it?
What other types of self-careis there I'm thinking about?
Okay, if meditation isn't it?
Michaela (18:22):
what other types of self-care is there?
What can self-care be Right?
When we talked about, like youknow, my ADHD clients or my
anxious clients that are justlike thoughts are just racing,
it's really challenging for themto slow down and stop and
meditate.
So that feels uncomfortable forthem because those thoughts
just keep coming and they don'tknow that that's okay, just let
(18:44):
the thoughts come and go.
But that like just doesn't feelcomfortable for them because
those thoughts just keep comingand they don't know that.
That's okay, just let thethoughts come and go, but that
like just doesn't feelcomfortable for them.
So then we try more active formsof care, like progressive
muscle relaxation, where you'refocusing on tightening your
muscles and then relaxing them,like starting from your toes and
working your way up to yourface right, and just kind of
taking a moment to just tightenand relax our muscles.
And I think that that helps uscreate a good connection between
(19:04):
our mind and our body and thenwe can recognize when we're
having tension in our body andchoose to relax in those moments
.
And the other thing that Irecommend doing is guided
meditations, so kind of likeyour safe, calm space idea, like
we do a guided meditation orlike we imagine ourselves being
in a place that's really calmingfor us.
(19:25):
They're way more activelyengaging for the brain, and so
some people that have a hardtime just like shutting it down
and being quiet and having nothoughts.
They prefer those kinds ofactivities.
Laura (19:38):
Yeah, that makes a lot of sense.
Like a guided meditation,instead of being on your own,
could be much more engaging thanjust sitting there with your
own thoughts and trying to likelet them come and go, because
that is a hard thing to do andit's a hard thing to do and stay
present for Like sometimes itfeels like you could just zone
out and that's not necessarilythe goal.
(19:59):
The goal is to really bepresent in the moment and like
experience the environment.
Another thing that we can dofor self-care is like taking a
walk in nature, even if it's notwith the dogs, but like
experiencing nature is actuallyshown to like increase your
vitality because you are likearound all of these living
(20:21):
things and like the creatures inthe world and, um, the plants
and flowers and things like that.
Noticing that stuff is boostsyour own immunity and your own
vitality in your body.
Um, that's another good one.
Michaela (20:34):
That made me think of when you were just talking, was
also doing, like you know,making time to spend with
friends.
You know so you're activelysetting time to just be with
people and socialize, you knowwhen they I think of, like the,
that Netflix, like the bluezones or something like that
(20:55):
like that was one of the thingsthat made people live longer was
, you know, socializing aroundmeals and stuff.
Laura (21:04):
Yeah, I love that Like a form of self-care could be going
out with your friends once aweek or once a month or once a
quarter or something like that.
I think sometimes I hearpushback about self-care because
they don't know what it is.
We don't know what self-caremeans.
We think, oh, that means I haveto go to yoga or like I have to
meditate on my own or I have to, you know, knit or crochet or
(21:26):
something like that.
Or go to a spa.
Like self-care doesn't have tobe a spa day.
Right, can be a lot more thanthat.
And you know, just doingsomething that you enjoy, like
cooking.
If you enjoy cooking, that's aform of self-care.
If you enjoy, you know.
(21:47):
If you enjoy knitting, if youenjoy crocheting, those are
those can be self-care.
But if that's not for you, itdoesn't have to be.
It's the trick is findingsomething that you actually
enjoy and that you connect withon like a meaningful level, that
you connect with on like ameaningful level.
Michaela (22:01):
So what I'm hearing you say is that you self-care is
literally just paying attentionto yourself and meeting your
own needs.
Laura (22:14):
Yes, that is exactly what I'm saying, but you said it way
better.
Michaela (22:20):
Well, that's what, as you were saying, all that stuff,
I'm like, oh, that makes somuch sense, Like I never been
like really thought about it inthat way either.
Laura (22:28):
Yeah, like if you can connect with yourself, pay
attention to yourself, meet yourown needs, imagine how
fulfilled that could help youfeel.
And imagine how fulfilled thatcould help you feel.
And I could see a lot ofbarriers to that, especially
based on you know kind of whatwe were talking about before we
started recording like feelinglike if somebody feels like they
(22:51):
don't matter, or if somebodyfeels like they're like nobody
else cares about them or nobodyloves them, so like why bother?
Or if somebody feels like ifsomebody has depression, it can
be really difficult to care foroneself and just even do the
basic stuff.
Or if somebody really feelslike they are kind of isolated
(23:16):
and alone, they might not wantto do things that are fulfilling
to themselves.
They might just feel kind ofkind of stranded out in and just
zone out instead, or whatever.
You know, I think having thosemental health challenges can
make self-care really hard.
Michaela (23:37):
Yeah, what's a lesson that maybe happened in childhood
.
That might make someone have aharder time taking care of
themselves.
Laura (23:51):
I think if you had to raise yourself as a kid like
parentified children tend not tobe good at self-care because
they are taking care of everyoneelse and taking care of
everyone else's emotions.
Because we're parentified,because we're required to do
(24:11):
work that's not our work to do,meaning we have to take care of
other people or we have to takecare of ourselves at too young
of an age where that's notdevelopmentally appropriate, and
so we kind of burn ourselvesout in that way and then we
resent having to take care ofourselves because of our
upbringing.
Another thing is that self-carethe belief that self-care is
(24:35):
selfish can come from childhood,like why are you doing that?
You need to be taking care ofeveryone else?
Or you know be the biggerperson, or you know put yourself
aside and focus on others.
And you know those virtuousqualities, if overused, to be
compassionate and be reallyengaged with other people and
(24:57):
taking care of other people andfocusing on them.
If that's overused by parents,like trying to get their kids to
be not selfish, and ifselfishness is like a common
theme, then we can start tothink that self-care is selfish.
Michaela (25:11):
That's fair.
The other thing that I wasthinking about, or I love that
you were able to like put thatinto perspective so people can
think about, like how is it?
How did I learn this behavior?
Just come out of nowhere, right, it's a learned behavior for
some reason.
And then the other thing that Iwas thinking about like you know
(25:34):
, we're talking about self-care,but we can also take self-care
too far, right.
Like, well, I said, like I saidthat it's something that makes
you feel good.
We're talking about takingbreaks and like enjoying things,
but also like we could getaddicted to video games and do
(25:54):
nothing but video games and thenwe don't go do other things
that actually would be maybehelpful for us.
So we're not saying get lost inthis thing and oh, this is
permission to go out with myfriends, that I need to take
care of myself, like there are.
There is balance that we need,because we need to make sure
(26:16):
that we're, you know, going towork and doing our job and, you
know, taking care of the hardthings in the house, like, so we
still have to have balance andthere are things that still need
to be done.
So that was the other thing Iwas thinking about.
Laura (26:31):
Yeah, I think that's such a good point, right, like it's
not all or nothing.
Everything is in moderation.
We have to have we have adynamic life, right, we have a
dynamic existence.
Part of that is work, Part ofthat is play, part of that is
raising kids or spending timewith your family or, you know,
cooking or cleaning, doing hardthings.
(26:52):
But we also have to work in thegood things and the fun things
and the calming things.
But we want to make sure thatthere's a distinction between
like taking care of ourself anddoing some, like taking a
healthy break and then zoningout and dissociating, and
totally just like abandoning theworld and shutting down, Like I
(27:15):
think that's another thing thathappens in childhood, where
often, where treatment resistantdepression or depression comes
from, can be that that state ofshutdown when we've like it's
like a collapse feeling, it'slike a I just can't get up, I
just can't do anything else,like I'm completely shut down
(27:35):
and numb to the world.
Down and numb to the world.
And I think it's important torecognize that if that's what's
happening for you, like thatcould be something deeper than
just, you know, motivation oryou know it's not laziness.
Like that deep level of likecollapse and shutdown is
something that really that wecan become, that we can learn in
(27:56):
childhood because of ourtraumatic experiences, where if
we needed help and help wasn'tcoming, or if something really
scary happened to us and we wereall alone, and or if we were
chronically hurt or abused inchildhood, that shutdown
mechanism turns on and itbecomes stuck on.
If we can't escape, If it's aninescapable situation, then
(28:20):
often that shutdown mechanismwill get stuck and and we it can
lead to depression later inlife.
That's so interesting.
So that can make it really hardto take care of oneself,
because when we're shut down,we're basically giving up the
will to thrive.
We're saying like I might notdie but I like the thriving is
(28:42):
impossible yeah.
Michaela (28:44):
And so not all forms of not being able to do
self-care are just like.
Some of these things are moreintense and require more support
than just hey.
Create a plan.
Laura (28:59):
Yeah, I think so.
I think on some level likegetting up earlier, you know,
eating breakfast in the morning,taking action steps like those
are really helpful.
Not everybody can just do thatwithout additional intervention.
I think that was something thatI personally struggled with for
(29:22):
a long time was just thatchronic, like shutdown of my own
, like suppression of myself.
I was still taking care ofeveryone and everything, but
just not taking care of myselfat all and just like not even
like didn't even care that thatwasn't happening, like it just
was, like I can't, I don't havethe capacity for that, and so
until therapy and interventionsthat were healing of my trauma,
(29:45):
then I was able to really shiftthat mindset and start thinking
you know, I do really matter andit is a gift to take care of
myself and it's um rewarding andit's something that um gives me
meaning in my life every day.
Right, you deserve to care foryourself.
Yeah, you deserve to care foryourself and be cared for.
Michaela (30:07):
Yeah, you deserve to care for yourself and be cared
for Absolutely Well.
That made me think of like thisother piece of things which is
okay.
So we, my husband and I, wentand hung out with you for your
birthday celebration and I youknow I have mom guilt, like I
(30:33):
don't leave the house, my kidsbehind.
You know often that's notsomething that I do.
No, I was able to manage themom guilt and be okay.
But how can can you give anyadvice to some of these parents
out there moms specifically,maybe dads but like to help them
be able to like regulate theirnervous system and know that
it's okay and that their kid'sgoing to be okay when they're
(30:53):
separated from them, because Iknow that can be challenging.
Laura (30:57):
Yeah, that can be a huge challenge and I think that's a
big barrier to self-care too.
When you have kids, it's like Ishould be spending this time
with them or doing something forthem instead of doing something
for myself.
I think that you can movethrough that in a number of ways
.
One thing is that no amount ofguilt is going to improve your
(31:20):
child's like development.
Like what we really want is forour children to be like happy
and healthy and so like guiltdoes not contribute to that in
any meaningful way.
So there's that.
It's just not productive.
The other thing is that kidsneed to learn a healthy
separation.
So they need to know thatyou're their stable base, so
(31:42):
like you're going to be therefor them and then you can leave
and come back and that's healthyand safe because you're never
going to abandon them.
You're going to come back andthey're going to be okay.
They also need a healthy levelof separation, because kids up
until a certain age and I can'tremember the exact number of
months of development, but theydon't even see themselves as
(32:04):
external from you.
They literally think that theyare you.
You're the same, you're oneperson.
Your feelings are theirfeelings, their feelings are
your feelings Like there is noseparation or distinction
between the two of you?
Yeah, and so they need to knowthat they're a whole person and
they have skills and they haveinterests and they have things,
(32:24):
and that you're a whole personand you have skills and you have
interests, and you have thingsthat you like and you have
things that you need to do.
That's outside of them, and thetwo of you together can be two
whole people who love each otherand are connected and are
always going to be in thisrelationship.
That's meaningful, but that youcan also be separated and
that's OK.
(32:45):
Kids need to learn that lesson.
That's a part of growing up anda part of life, because they
need to be able to trustthemselves.
They can't just rely on you.
Michaela (32:54):
So what I'm hearing you say is that separation from
your kids is good for them.
That's what I'm saying.
That's the mantra that I wouldrecommend that people use if
they're struggling with thatthought or that concept that,
like I can't leave them, theyneed me, like what, what if
something bad happens?
So this is good for them, it isgood for them.
(33:16):
The other side of that that Ithink is also hard is asking for
help.
Right, so, like I want to go dothe self-care, but I have this
part of me that doesn't likeasking for help because that,
like, I'm putting my work onother people and that doesn't
feel good.
Laura (33:35):
I think in that case, the self-care in and of itself is
the asking for help, like thatis a form of self-care, like
letting someone know your limitand saying, hey, I'm maxed out
right now.
I need some support.
Is a self-care that you'reteaching yourself is okay to do.
You're saying I can delegatethis and I can ask someone
(33:57):
because they love me or theycare about me and they
appreciate me and they want thebest for me and I'm gonna trust
in their character that theyfeel all those ways and that
they'd be willing to help me.
And it's not about me giving upmy own work.
It's about me sharing my lifewith somebody who's in my life
(34:17):
for a reason, like if it's mypartner, they're my partner,
they chose to be my partner,they want to partner with me,
right, like they want to supportand help me.
So I'm giving them anopportunity to do that and
that's fulfilling for them too,just like it's fulfilling for me
to take care of them.
Yeah.
Michaela (34:35):
I love that.
That makes a lot of sense.
Sometimes it's not that easy.
We know that sometimes partnersdon't always give you the idea
that they're appreciative ofthem.
That's fair, but you should doit anyways because it is good
for you.
Laura (34:53):
It is good for you, and it's good for you to know that
you don't have to do everythingon your own, like you don't have
to hold this burden all byyourself, you don't have to
shoulder this all by yourself.
It's not just you in this worldand in this environment, in
your life.
Like you're, you're independentbut an autonomous, but you're
also supported and loved.
(35:14):
And when we don't have a lot ofpeople in our life that show us
that it can, that can feeluntrue, but we still deserve to
feel supported and loved.
And so then, maybe I thinkhaving really healthy boundaries
and setting your own limits andhaving boundaries with people
who and the way that they treatyou, is also a really important
(35:38):
aspect of self-care.
Michaela (35:39):
Sure, Well, and when you're saying all that, it made
me think like setting boundariesand whatever.
It made me think, well, okay,maybe that person that is
feeling that kind of way isn'ttaking care of themselves and
they also need some self-care,and so you can offer to make
sure that they're getting outand doing things to get their
(36:00):
own self-care.
Maybe they will feel less of akind of way when you're needing
support.
Yeah, absolutely.
Laura (36:10):
I think we resent helping others when we feel like we're
maxed out and we're doing toomuch for everyone else, and
that's a big, it's kind ofprojection.
Like I think that's a big partof it is when we, when stuff
like really bothers us aboutother people, a lot of the time
it's because it brings somethingout in us that we don't realize
or we're not fully accepting orwe're not really ready to
(36:32):
acknowledge.
Like, if I get irritated withsomebody about something, that
might be because, well, I'mirritated with myself for either
not doing it for myself first,or I'm irritated with somebody
who hurt me in the past in thatsame way.
Or or right, like there's allkinds of things that it kind of
musters up when we start to getupset with people, and so it's
(36:54):
important to look inside and belike okay, why am I upset that
this person needs my help?
Um, what is what's coming upfor me that's making it really
hard for me to support thisperson?
Is it that I'm not gettingenough support?
I'm not supporting myselfenough?
Know, or I feel resentment orsomething like that from the
past.
Michaela (37:14):
I love that.
That's such a good way oflooking at it.
That reminds me of somethinglike you know, I heard once was
like hey, I cannot react becauseI've done my work right.
Like you can be in a situationbecause and I can treat you with
respect because I've done mywork right.
Like you can be in a situationbecause and I can treat you with
respect because I've done mywork.
So if you're having feelingscoming up, it's really what's
(37:36):
going on inside me and reallybackwards, back internally, to
say, oh, why is this affectingme?
It can be really hard to do.
Laura (37:46):
It can be really hard to do and that's a big part of
therapy too is gaining insight.
Like I always say, you can'tsee your own face without a
mirror.
Like I, the therapist reflectsback those things that you're,
that are coming up in you,because you, when you're in the
middle of it, you can't alwayssee what's really going on
because you're too deep in it.
So we need someone else to giveback some insight and sort of
(38:12):
repeat back what we're sayingand, you know, ask questions
like clarifying questions, sothat we have to really think
through and define, like, wherethat does come from.
Sometimes it's not somethingthat do on our own.
Michaela (38:25):
Yeah, so we have talked a lot about why self-care
can be so hard.
There's a ton of reasons,apparently, yes, and we know why
, like why we have to feel likewe can take care of everybody
(38:49):
else and not ourselves.
Is there anything else that wecan do to start doing better?
Laura (38:55):
Yeah, I think doing better starts with giving
yourself reasonable expectations, like not putting so much on a
plan that if you don't do itlike if you say I'm going to do
this every day and then youdon't do it one day that doesn't
mean you failed.
Just do it tomorrow.
Like pick up where you left off.
(39:18):
Don't let yourself feel there'sno such thing as back at square
one.
We can't go back in time.
Right, we can.
We're only ever moving forward.
We can't go back in time.
So if you skip it, then do itthe next day and you're back on
track and you're just fine.
Um, I think reasonableexpectations forgiveness if we
(39:38):
don't meet our expectationsright away um, and giving
ourselves grace to explore andlearn, like what we actually
enjoy, because we might not know.
You know, building arelationship with yourself
starts with like explore,exploration, and like looking at
(40:01):
yourself and thinking like, doI even like this?
I don't know if I like this.
Why am I trying to do it like Idon't want to like?
This is not self-care if it'snot something that I actually
feel like, I like or is any kindof gives me any kind of meaning
or benefit, you know.
So that self-exploration Ithink it's really important.
Michaela (40:21):
I think managing what your expectations of the outcome
is going to be right.
I think that's another piecelike, not just within, like the
physical, like how I look orwhatever, but like, um, how you
feel about it or how you feelafter, like it takes time to let
these things you know build andsee the benefits of our actions
(40:46):
make up for all the ground oftime that we were like not doing
the things.
Laura (40:53):
Absolutely.
It takes practice for our brainand our nervous system to
recognize something as a new,like habit and benefit.
We don't just hear somethingonce and then, all of a sudden,
we know it.
That's just not how stuff works.
We have to repeat it and wehave to experience it, and we
have to go through it adifferent way and gain different
(41:14):
insight.
And doing all the things thatwe do when we learn something
new is applied here too.
It's not just going to be oh, Idid this one time and I feel
great.
You know, it's a practice.
It takes work and it takeseffort and accountability to say
like I'm going to make thischange in my life because I
deserve to.
(41:34):
Yeah, that's good.
Yeah, I think that's a goodplace to leave it Agreed.
So thank you so much for thisvery helpful conversation about
self-care.
I think I learned a little bitabout my own self-care habits
that I need to change and workon and focus on and increase my
(41:56):
priorities Same.
So that'll be folded into ourNew Year's resolutions this year
, I think yeah, and thank you somuch for listening to why am I
like this?
If you like our show, pleaseleave us a rating and review on
your favorite podcast platform.
Follow the show and share itwith your friends.
(42:18):
This episode was written andproduced by me, laura wood and
Michaela Beaver.
Our theme song is making endsmeet by thick as thieves, and a
special thanks to Benavieri,counseling and coaching and
active healing psychiatricservices for sponsoring our show
.
Is Making Ends Meet by Thick asThieves.
And a special thanks toBenavieri counseling and
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