March 24, 2025 • 38 mins
Transform Your Mindset with Kyle Smith
In this episode of Work Besties Who, we sit down with Kyle Smith, a Clarity Consultant and the creator of NeuroLinguistic Somatic Experience (NLSE) — a powerful blend of story work and breath work designed to help you rewrite your inner narrative and manage anxiety.
Kyle shares how shifting language, practicing breath work, and developing clarity can turn mental roadblocks into opportunities for growth. We dive into practical tools to build mental fitness, reduce anxiety, and communicate more intentionally. Kyle also explains why kindness isn’t just a feeling — it’s an active, daily practice that creates ripple effects in every relationship.
✨ Key Takeaways:
- NLSE is a mindset gym for building resilience and clarity.
- Story work helps release the emotional weight of past experiences.
- Breath work is a tool for self-regulation and focus.
- Eliminating “soft talk” leads to stronger decision-making.
- Anxiety is often driven by stories we tell ourselves — and those stories can change.
- Judgment and compassion are both essential for growth and connection.
- Recognizing when it's time for change is the first step toward transformation.
- Kindness is something we embody — not just feel — and it always comes back to us.
🎧 Tune in and learn how to show up for yourself with more clarity, courage, and kindness!
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Jess (00:00):
Stuck in a rut.
It's time to break free.
In today's episode of WorkBesties who podcast, we have
Kyle Smith, a clarity consultantand creator of Neuro-Lingistics
Semantic Experience, nlse.
He's going to reveal how themindset, language and breathing
work can unlock your truepotential, ready to transform
(00:21):
your anxiety into action andtake control of your wellness.
So keep listening to the very,very end to learn the
game-changing tools that couldchange your life.
Hi, I'm Claude and I'm Jess.
We are Corporate Employees byDay.
Welcome, kyle.
We are so excited to have youon today's podcast.
(00:42):
We thought we'd kick off withyou, giving a little bit of
background on who you are andwhat you do.
Sure.
Kyle Smith (00:48):
My name is Kyle Smith and it's a
neuro-linguistic somaticexperience NLSE that I developed
and it's an outcomes-focusedpractice rather than a
problems-focused practice and itworks as a mindset gym for
mental fitness and it's atop-down approach.
It's not head heavy, itinvolves the body and I
(01:09):
developed it through turning myproblems into my passions and
going from someone I didn't liketo someone I actually do like.
Claude (01:15):
And when did you really start to create this program?
Kyle Smith (01:19):
Overall, I would say probably about 10 years ago.
That's when I made the decisionto make different decisions, to
experience a different life,because the one that I was
experiencing was not one that Iwanted to be in.
I didn't like the character Iwas.
So when I found myself with aclean slate where it was just
open-ended, I decided that Iwanted to adjust some things.
(01:40):
That took me down a route oftrying out different modalities,
different practices, to seewhat resonated and then reject
what didn't.
And throughout that 10 years,the two things that I got the
most leverage and bang for mybuck in the results from was
story work and breath work, andso I combined those two things
(02:00):
to create Neuro LinguisticSomatic Experience NLSE those
two things to createneuro-linguistic somatic
experience, NLSE Interesting.
Jess (02:08):
So between those two, can you break down what the
differences are and what youmean by story work versus breath
work?
Kyle Smith (02:13):
Totally so.
Story work is in the head andthen breath work is of the body.
So it's an exchange between thetwo.
One way where we can have themas separate is we can look at
our words and think about whichwords help us or harm us.
So our words, our stories, whatwe say, think and write
(02:34):
influence the way that we thinkand I think of words and the
words that we say and think andthat we write as the ethereal
macronutrients of the mind.
So the body is built up off ofcarbs, fats and proteins.
The quality of thosemacronutrients is going to
influence the quality of thebody.
The quality of the words thatwe speak is going to influence
(02:57):
the quality of our mind.
When we feed our mind qualitywords, we're going to have
quality thoughts.
When we feed our mind crapwords, we're going to have crap
thoughts.
So story work is taking thosestories and alleviating
intensity or creating moremeaning and joyfulness,
depending on the type of story.
And then breath work is thepractice to connect.
(03:18):
It's an active meditation.
So, rather than a passivemeditation where you're sitting
in stillness, which, technically, you got some of that when
you're doing some breathworkpractices.
However, when you're doing thebreathwork practice, it's a
different type of tempos.
So whatever the practice is,there's a tempo with it.
So it could be in, out, in, out, it could be slow, quick bursts
(03:39):
, and it depends on what theperson wants to experience on
the other side.
Why is it?
They're doing the breath work.
They'll pick low and slow sothat they can down-regulate and
they'll pick high and tight toup-regulate.
So with the breath work, it getsus having a conversation with
our body, because the breath isthe language of the body.
So when we're breathing high andtight, we're good to fight.
(04:01):
When we're breathing low andslow, we're good to flow.
And if we're good to fight whenwe're breathing low and slow,
we're good to flow.
And if we're in a spot where,let's say, we're going into a
competition or a challenge,being high and tight and good to
fight, that's probably in ourI'm going to take out, probably
that could very well be in ourbest interest.
And if we're breathing low andslow and we're in a neutral area
(04:23):
where we're hanging out withfriends and suddenly we
recognize that we're breathinghigh and tight, we have a
dialogue take a breath in, takethe breath out, down, regulate
the body, and so I think of thebreath work aspect, as you're
going from a thermometer, whereyou're reacting to the internal
(04:43):
or external stimuli, to being athermostat where you're setting
your internal temperature toyour liking, so you're on
Goldilocks zone through thebreath.
So that's how story work andbreath work would be separate.
Claude (04:56):
So you're doing that breath work.
For example, is it somethingwhere you do every day like a
meditation, and or as well whenyou have this outburst of
anxiety, of stress.
Kyle Smith (05:09):
That's where you start working also, doing also
those breath work I would say ifsomeone's focusing on breath
work, well, if they want to getreally good at it, do more of it
.
I think that's logical.
Yeah, exactly, and so with thatpractice, the thing that people
(05:31):
forget about practice is thatpractice is what we do in
controlled environments, and soif we can control and regulate
ourselves in a controlledenvironment, it allows us to
practice for thoseuncontrollable circumstances
where we are now testing what wehave practiced downregulating.
So I think of it where the waythat I use it or the way that I
(05:53):
recommend people to use it is ifyou want to have it as a daily
practice, go ahead, because itcan downregulate, upregulate and
neutralize, like you can chillout pretty good and then do it
as you wish.
It could be five minutes, itcould be 30 minutes, it could be
.
However, you want to experiencethat breathwork journey.
Claude (06:14):
I'm not sure I understood the storytelling one.
Kyle Smith (06:18):
Totally so.
I'll start with stories itself.
Stories are an example ofstories.
Would be past experiences.
It could be traumas.
It could be future anxietiesthat don't exist yet.
It could be future goals thatdon't exist yet.
It could be stories that hurt,haunt, taunt, annoy.
It could be dreams.
Anything that can be writtendown could be story work, and
(06:41):
the reason for how the storywork process goes is we're
taking the stories out of themind and we're putting it on
paper or on a Google document.
So we're taking it out of theinfinite expanse up here and
we're putting it someplace wherewe have a start and a finish,
and it allows us to go into thatstory, do a four-step process
to down-regulate or get unstuck,celebrate the wins and progress
(07:04):
and then create goals andtargets that we are action prone
and excited to go towards.
Jess (07:10):
It's like journaling.
Yeah, I'm gonna say so, kyle.
Is that kind of the intent?
Is, yes, journaling, but is itthe intent to, like you, write
the story down so you take astep back and see it in a
different lens?
Kyle Smith (07:22):
and then so that, and then it goes into
integrating that story ratherthan having it hold as an anchor
.
So how the story work and thebreath work work together is
through the four-step processthat I walk people through.
I'll just do it here becauseit'll be, it'll be fun, it'll be
easy, so what it?
looks like is starts with.
(07:45):
So this would be the heavyversion.
And then there's light languagegames that are fun to play with
as well, and it's all aboutexploration.
There's no right or wrong.
The four-step process and theway that a session usually goes
is I'll do 10 to 15 minuteswhere we'll do a guided
breathwork session to down,regulate and neutralize any
feelings.
So if someone's coming in wherethey're wound up, if they're
(08:07):
low, if they're high, whateverthey're experiencing, I know
that throughout that first 10 to15 minutes they're going to be
neutral.
Then let's say it's a storywhere it's a uh, it could be a
trauma.
Everyone likes everyone likesto talk about their traumas
nowadays, so it'd be about theirtrauma.
Jess (08:24):
We all have a lot of them.
That's why.
Kyle Smith (08:27):
I think we have less .
I'll counter that.
I think we have less.
I think we believe we have more.
However, in concept, however,in reality, we have less.
Yeah, because that's anarrative, what we frame the
world around us.
A story is how we perceive theworld around us.
A story is how we perceive theworld around us.
It's a frame because when I'mworking with folks, people will
(08:49):
take multiple let's say it has asimilar theme and I'm sure both
of you know someone like this.
I think I know a couple peoplelike this where they date 10
different people.
However, it's the exact sameperson.
So when we have stories orexperiences in our life, it can
have the same theme rejection,resentment, grief, joy and then
(09:12):
we put all those storiestogether and then we think it's
big, when it's actually quitesmall, little chunks that
happened as moments of time.
Yeah.
Jess (09:21):
Got it.
That makes sense.
Kyle Smith (09:23):
So let's say, for a trauma story, where it's being
held in the body, because that'swhere the somatic part comes in
.
It's the physical body, andthen there's the emotional body,
the emotions, the energy inmotion, emotion, that's where we
hold our stories and they couldflow or they can hinder flow.
(09:44):
They work as a dam.
So it could be a story.
Let's see, I'll use one of myown because it'll be easier.
So a story actually, I'll gowith a story that I did story
work and, uh, my father passedaway when I was nine, so that
one's pretty solid one to writedown.
Like I'm like, yeah, this is ajuicy, freaking story.
We're gonna get something fromthis.
So the first step is to.
So that would be my topic, thatwould be the story that would.
(10:05):
I think it'd be more so alongthe lines of taunt or annoy.
Nowadays there's no hurt andthere's no haunt.
It'd be more taunt and annoy.
And I go with taunt and that'sbecause I'm also thinking of
this on the fly, because I'mjust reflecting too and I would
think taunt because I didn't getto learn that much about him.
So that's why it'd be ataunting story, not a hurtful
(10:28):
story, and so I would title itand write it down.
So the first step title the Daymy Father Passed Away, write
down the story.
It was at my grandparents'place, or when I was nine years
old.
I remember being at mygrandparents' place.
So you write the storyconversationally, err on the
side of more detail rather thanless, and you write until you're
(10:50):
content.
You'll know when there's enoughwritten.
So that's the first part whichpeople don't do.
This part, this is whatjournaling usually is, where you
take your thoughts and you putthem down.
However, people journal in thefirst person as if they're just
talking to themselves.
I am this, oh, I am that,whether it's positive or
negative, I feel this, I feelthat this thing was done to me
(11:12):
Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
So when we put it asconversational, then we're
writing a story and someone elsecould read it and it makes
sense.
There's like it's grammarly.
It makes more sense from agrammar perspective.
So that's taking it out of thehead.
So this you're already.
In a very small percentage ofindividuals, they'll take their
stories and put them somewhereelse.
(11:32):
And then step two this can bedone solo, with another person
or in a group of people, and itis to read the story out loud.
The more people, the moresupercharged the experience is.
You'll feel it because you'resharing your heart and it's a
really cool experience.
And so then, in step two, asyou're reading it out loud, many
folks, if it's a story that'san ouchy story, they'll hold
(11:53):
their breath in their chest andthey'll try to read the story as
quickly as possible becausethey don't want to feel the
feels.
Claude (12:00):
Right.
Kyle Smith (12:02):
So sometimes so if I'm working with someone and
they end up with motor mouth,I'm like whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
slow it down.
They're like, yeah, I don'twant to slow down.
Jess (12:12):
Would you ever have somebody else read the story for
them?
Or you really need them to read?
Kyle Smith (12:16):
it.
They have to read it because itmeans something to them.
It doesn't mean anything to theother person.
I would put different words inif I'm working with someone and
that would just adjust it sothat they can say it in a
different way, to introduce aframe, got it?
Yeah, so reading it, that's.
That's the second step.
Step three is read it 30% slowerand this is to negate the speed
(12:38):
reading on possible speedreading on step two 30% your
normal rate of speech.
Reading on step two 30% yournormal rate of speech.
So then the story would be whenI was nine years old, I
remember being at mygrandparents' place and then so
on for the rest of the story.
So that's 30% my normal rate ofspeech.
Go through that.
Then we integrate the readingand the breathing.
(12:59):
We put those together.
So that's where the it comestogether, where it's not just
story work and breath work, it'sa well hybridization of the two
.
And at the end of every periodthe occasional comma and
sometimes and you insert abreath, so you maintain that
same slow reading.
When I was nine years old I wasat my grandparents' house.
(13:20):
So now, at each stage it's microdoses of exposure therapy in a
controlled set and setting.
And so people are confrontingthe thing that they were
previously fearful of.
They're confronting the dragonto get the gold.
And so at each step, there'sthree questions to ask yourself.
And the first one is like,after you're done a read, what
(13:42):
feelings are coming up?
Where do I feel it?
In my body and on it, on ascale of one to 10, 10 being the
most intense, where do I putmyself?
How intense does it feel?
And each of those points, boom,boom, boom.
You feel and you experiencesomething different because
you're pushing, you're flowingthrough.
So now that story that may havein the past hurt, haunt, taunt
(14:03):
and annoyed, that was lodged inmy body.
I four-stepped and allowed itto break and crack and I was
able to allow that flow ofenergy.
Sorry, busted down that dam.
That happened when I was nine.
That was still an anchorpreventing progress in the
present, like, let's say, liketwo decades later, probably less
(14:26):
than that.
I handled it pretty early on.
So that was one where I waslike when I first started story
working, I was like this is astory, let's go, it was great.
So that's the process andthat's how the stories and the
breath break down, the emotions,and that's like going to the
past, and it could be used tocreate the future as well.
Jess (14:47):
Where did you recognize that you needed to do these two
steps?
How or I guess how wouldsomebody recognize that this is
something they should be comingand leveraging?
Kyle Smith (14:56):
Ooh, I got two different answers for that one.
The first one I kind of askedtwo different questions.
Yeah, I was like wait a second,that's all good.
So for the first one, how Icame about putting them together
is because, uh, cause storywork, I did learn I have a sort
of a level one, level twocertification for it.
So I learned it fromoriginators Mark England, really
(15:17):
cool guy, and Mark England,Adam Chin, the Unlifted Crew,
Kimberly Kesting freaking goats,and I.
I recommend checking out theirstuff.
It's cool.
Jess (15:27):
Okay.
Kyle Smith (15:29):
Uh, so it was actually a case of uh, fafo, you
know f around and find out anduh, those are the two things
that stuck the with the moststrength.
So over that 10 years they'rejust molding together.
And then I had a year where Iwas practicing it and developing
(15:49):
it with, uh well, case studiesand seeing what the right amount
of time for a session is.
It used to be it started as twohour sessions and it's come
down to 75 minute sessions, like.
So it's been pretty cool.
And the second what was thesecond question again?
Jess (16:03):
The second question is so now you know how you came about
it, but me, let's say, I have nobackground on this.
I obviously know whatstorytelling is, but in a
different way.
How would I know or where wouldI have gone to recognize that
this is something that I couldget benefit from?
Kyle Smith (16:19):
Well, if my marketing is good enough, that's
one way I would say that theway that I wrap it up and the
systems that I have on the backend, it's not the systems that
I'd be sharing, it's the giftwrapping, and so I focus on.
If you're an individual thatthis is the person I speak to,
if you're an individual that hasa sincere desire to make change
(16:43):
, has a curiosity towardsexploration and has an openness
or a willingness to test theirpain, threshold and or comfort
zone, then those are the threefoundational points.
From there then it comes downto what is the style that
someone's looking for.
Because the way that I frame itis my focus is autonomy.
(17:03):
I'm cool with working withsomeone for a year and after a
year, the goal is for them notto need me.
It's to have them work with meif they so choose.
They don't have to Ideallylifelong clients.
That's like the idea.
That's like super sweet.
However, I don't want peopledependent on me and I want
people teaching it outside of meas well.
(17:24):
So I purposefully made this sothat people go from dependent
dwellers to autonomous actiontakers.
So when people have that pointof I don't like or a struggle is
I'm doing what other people aretelling me to do and I'm not
happy.
I've already done everythingI've been told to do and I'm
(17:46):
about to retire and I'm nothappy.
And so it's when people areunclear, uncertain or stuck in
something.
That's when I get to come in,because it's about building up
the person, the self-image, theidentity.
Claude (17:59):
Is it also for someone that has anxiety or stress?
So they do those that sometimescan come from, like you say, a
past, a trauma.
Sometimes can come from, likeyou say, a past, a trauma, and
then to try to relieve, I don'tknow, to try to relieve those
anxieties.
Kyle Smith (18:15):
I would go with the stories first, because what
would be the anxiety from?
So, let's say, could it be ananxiety of anticipation of
future pain?
So I am scared to do thisbecause I'm scared to fail.
So there's the thing thatyou're resisting and the thing
that you want, and you'recreating the narrative, while
(18:37):
not even being there, about whatyour failure is going to be
like before you get there.
Claude (18:42):
Yeah.
Kyle Smith (18:42):
So that's one form of anxiety.
I would also say- it soundslike Kyle.
Jess (18:46):
In essence, like most, we've been trained that like if
you have anxiety, you have allthese other things.
Breathing work alone will helpyou.
But it sounds like you'resaying you really need to
integrate the two, otherwiseyou're not explaining the why
before solving the how.
Kyle Smith (19:00):
Yeah, because I, because I think that it goes
head first, then to the body,and so how my practice differs
is that there's the body aspect,where there's the using the
breath, where counselingtherapies to talking heads, it's
just a regurgitation ofinformation.
It's the exact same thing allthe time.
It doesn't go from here down.
(19:21):
Breath work only focuses itsbody heavy, and I think that
when it comes to our anxieties,it's not from a physical sense,
it's from the stories that camebefore the feeling.
We have to have to think thething before the feeling.
So another form of anxiety thatI'd like to think of as well is
it's a narrative anxiety wherelet's say you have a kid and you
(19:44):
have the kid getting in linefor a roller coaster and there's
two different adults and thekid's saying, wow, I'm breathing
really heavy, my heart's reallyfast.
And then one of the adults, forwhatever reason, is like, oh,
yeah, your pupils are dilatedand it's like, yeah, I'm really
sweaty, I got wobbly knees.
So then you have one adult sayyou're experiencing fear.
(20:06):
So that kid is going to saythese feelings is fear.
Then you have adult number twosay oh, you're experiencing
excitement.
They're the exact samephysiological responses to a
particular stimuli.
It's just which narrative arewe choosing to put on that point
?
So, is it anxiety or is itexcitement?
Is it fear of a future thatdoesn't exist, which in that
(20:29):
case the goal would be to limityour limitations in order to
reduce resistance?
So then, if you limit thelimitations and you reduce
resistance, then there's nodistraction or excuse preventing
the person from going forwardBecause, rather than adopting
the hypothetical failure,they're creating the structured
(20:49):
focus and target and outcome.
And then I also think there's athird type of anxiety that I
think of as well, and I callthis one incongruence anxiety.
So this one, this one, I think,is the I think this is broadly
what people experience whenthey're experiencing anxiety.
I think it goes this one, thenit goes the narrative one, where
(21:10):
it's excitement rather thanthat, and then anticipation of
future pain would probably belike.
Second in there, it would goyeah.
So this incongruence anxiety iswhen you say you're going to do
something and you don't do itand you want to do it.
There's a cognitive disconnectbetween what you say you're
going to do and who you perceiveyourself to be, cognitive
disconnect between what you sayyou're going to do and who you
(21:31):
perceive yourself to be.
So I like to think that theworse off we feel about
ourselves, the further off trackwe are.
The more anxiety we feel, thefurther off track we are.
If we actually stick to doingwhat we say we're going to do,
we're not going to experienceanxiety because we're going to
live in alignment.
Jess (21:46):
So, Kyle, since this is about work besties, I'm curious
from your perspective.
I know I love all that and,like I, actually resonate very
well, that was a bit of atangent.
Kyle Smith (21:57):
That was a bit of a tangent, but I'm wondering like.
Jess (22:01):
So, some of those things and the reason I'm kind of it's
like a leading question becauseI think I have a perspective on
it too, as you're working withindividuals perspective on it
too, as you're working withindividuals have you ever found
or do you feel like there's waysyou can leverage your work
bestie or some type of person inyour life to help say, like,
this is where you're going offcourse, because I just, yeah,
(22:21):
some of those things, I meanliterally, you said some of
those and I'm like I'm feelingit myself.
So is there, yeah, I don't know, like a sign or tips or
recommendations of when you hearyour work bestie say this?
That's when you need to remindthem or have them think about
doing some story.
Kyle Smith (22:38):
You know I'm going to flip the table on this one a
little bit.
Okay, because that was aprojection, so we turn into a
reflection, because we can onlyrecognize in others what we also
can see in ourselves.
Jess (22:50):
In ourselves, yeah.
Kyle Smith (22:51):
So I would start with, if the person said exactly
as you said, I would say do youneed to go into this work by
any chance?
And then I also think thatbecause we also may know
something.
However, it's difficult to pullsomeone out or up if they're
(23:12):
not wanting to change at thatmoment.
So meeting them where they'reat is going to be easier to
encourage and inspire and createthat support system or that
work bestie, Because I thinksupport is really important.
Solutions are less important,because folks often know what
the solution is.
(23:33):
And then another thing is whensomeone else sees that you're
doing the thing that you wantthem to do, they're going to be
more inclined to do it becauseyou also practice what you
preach.
Jess (23:46):
Okay, all right, I felt that.
I'm sorry.
I said I felt that yeah, fair.
Kyle Smith (23:52):
When you asked the question, I felt it I'm like
here we go.
I was like keep it as neutralas possible.
Jess (24:02):
I think the next question I would have asked, but now it's
going to turn on me what arethe signs when somebody needs
help and he's like do you wantto flip the camera?
Do you want the mirror?
Do you need a mirror?
yeah, take a pen, yeah that wasbeautiful and I resonated the
most with, though, and I'm notsure if, um, you feel the same,
(24:25):
but I would imagine, based onsome of the memes we see out
there for work besties, whichthere's a lot of them the whole
committing to what you sayyou're going to do and not
really following through withall of it and then the shame and
guilt you feel for it.
It's like a consistent narrativethat just evolves and you feel
like you can't get out of it.
So I think to your point.
It's like taking that step backand writing what down.
(24:45):
Why do I?
Claude (24:47):
keep doing that.
It's so questionating.
Oh yeah, we talked about thattoo.
Kyle Smith (24:53):
I would also go with two other things on what you
just said.
There, too, is what is it thatyou're paying attention to?
That works as a distraction?
Eliminate them, because thenthat creates more space in the
mind.
Jess (25:02):
What if I like doing those things you can do it.
Kyle Smith (25:04):
Well, you can do it, you can do it.
I mean, you're not gonna wantto, so that's gone, yeah.
And then another thing too isthat I think that folks because
I I was actually duringjournaling about this the other
day, I was writing this out andit's that why is it that we try
to aim to do everything when wecan just crush it at few things?
Jess (25:27):
so it's an expectation adjustment, it's a narrative
adjustment and expectations andexpectations, totally yeah, I
think that's the one I alwayshave to consistently go back to
likewise same so let's changetopics a little less about me
perhaps.
Claude (25:45):
Claude, feel free to talk about your synchrosis no,
you're good, I have plenty we'llhave like I'll share.
Kyle Smith (25:54):
I'll share, uh, one other thing too, with uh
supporting people too.
I like.
I like this thingy that uh,jordan pearson says about love,
how love is a dance betweenjudgment and compassion, because
if we don't have enoughjudgment and too much compassion
, people will continue theirbehavior because they're not
(26:18):
experiencing the repercussionsof judgment.
If it's only judgment and nocompassion, then there's no
emotional component to it, andso when we have that dance
between compassion, judgment andtheir flowing, then it sounds
more like right now.
Actually, I'll say I'll just godirectly to you, jess, it'll
(26:39):
just be more fun.
Jess (26:40):
Go for it.
Kyle Smith (26:42):
So this would be.
It's all about intentionalityand delivery as well.
So, for example, jess, you'rethinking way more than you
really need to, and I know youcan organize your thoughts.
Jess (26:52):
Thank you, so that would be that would be compassion and
judgment at the same time at thesame time yeah without it
feeling hurtful.
You feel yeah, totally, andexactly feel charged totally and
another thing I do specificallyin that is your point.
I do feel supported, yeah yeahand it's.
Claude (27:11):
I don't know if even I feel like judgment for me
judgment, it has that negativeconnotation maybe is it your
negative connotation?
Kyle Smith (27:18):
or is it your negative connotation or is it an
adopted negative connotation?
Jess (27:22):
turn the light on you.
It's your turn.
Just just just lit up.
Claude (27:27):
She's like yes, yes yeah , there's a lot of issues,
because I do believe it doesn'thave to be negative, I think.
Jess (27:40):
I think what?
Because, how kyle just said itto me, it was judgment, but it
was a but was it a judgmentthough?
Yeah, because he's seeing thatI'm not hitting, like I am
committing to 25 things when Ionly need to do five.
So he's saying you can organizeyour time better and maybe you
could do all 25.
Maybe you don't need to, thoughtotally.
Kyle Smith (28:02):
However, I do understand why I think that I
actually like the negativeconnotation to judgment, because
then I think that it puts us inour best behavior.
Compassion has that love, ithas that admiration,
appreciation, it has thatsupport.
It's consoling, and judgmentallows us to have direction.
It allows us to objectivelyobserve the information and be
(28:27):
able to say am or am not goingon the direction that I want to.
So I don't think it's negative.
I think that there are judgypeople, and I think that another
thing too is when people aresimply just judging to be
malicious.
I don't think that anotherthing too is when people are
simply just judging to bemalicious.
I don't think that's cool, thatdoesn't fit.
Jess (28:42):
That's where I think that's why yeah it's like the
difference of gossip and what dowe have that like one
conversation was like it's likethe difference between like
gossiping about people but firstlike venting, venting no but
well, venting in general, verselike wasn't gossiping.
Then the difference was likevery fine line, right, but at
the same point one was a littlemore negative versus one was
(29:03):
going to actually get you to aplace Like you can say to
someone he was venting, you'reright, you can say to someone
I'm just venting, I'm notgossiping, I'm venting and
therefore I'm looking for younot to answer me today but just
to listen and be myself.
To listen, just to listen andbe myself.
Yeah, it's not meant as anegative.
Whatever's coming out of theirmouth, they probably don't
actually fully mean, they justneed it to articulate it really.
(29:23):
So it's almost the storytellingright like they need to frame it
out once you say it out loudyou then half the time we're
like oh, I didn't really meanthat.
Claude (29:30):
Yeah but several times also.
We did say during otherpodcasts that you know
friendship also like work,besties, besties, but friendship
is you don't want a yes person.
You want someone that's got itright, that time I know usually
goes a yeah person.
Usually I say yeah person.
I like that too.
Kyle Smith (29:49):
I like I'm flowing with that, I'm finding with that
right, yeah, listen, there wasjudgment.
Claude (29:54):
And when you told me there was judgment, no, no, no,
there was judgment.
And what is the other way?
And I listen, see, that's whatshe did in the past, so it was
what.
But you know, so you need also,like friendship is also someone
that has to give, like you know, judgment, or you know what is
(30:16):
going on and being factual, butalso with empathy.
Yeah, you know and that is Iwhat is going on and being
factual, but also with empathyyeah you know, and that is I
think, is I think I like that.
Jess (30:24):
That's why I like how you framed it, the judgment the
passion.
It's better than saying likeconstructive criticism, because
I feel, like constructivecriticism is still like a
negative yeah, like you're justdoing.
I think it's like the complimentsandwich just yeah, it makes
makes me think of work also yeah, everybody's in a relationship
with someone to be like yourwork bestie is.
(30:45):
We talk about this a lot.
Sometimes we bicker just asmuch, if not more, than our with
our significant others.
So it is that balance ofjudgment and passion, and when
we come at each other, we alwayssometimes come with step back
because we're like but I loveyou.
Claude (30:59):
I'm doing this because I love you.
I feel like we're in a therapysession right now.
Kyle Smith (31:06):
I'm just watching.
It's good and breathing.
Claude (31:11):
You should do that awesome my goodness.
Jess (31:16):
But this is a sign that it works right now, that we've
learned how we can better eachother with some of these
processes.
Awesome, my goodness.
But this is a sign that itworks.
Yeah, right.
No, I love it Now that we'velearned how we can better each
other with some of theseprocesses, which we were waiting
for.
What can we do from a workbestie, community capacity?
And so we were thinking aboutsome of the things that they
most often are challenged with,and we do hear a lot about
burnout, anxiety, stress, and wedo hear a lot about burnout,
(31:37):
anxiety, stress and I think youkind of hit on this already in
some capacity, from theperspective of what would we be
if they didn't have the means orthe time to get to you.
What were a couple of quicktricks they could start to do
until they can find somebodylike you to work with?
Kyle Smith (31:54):
The easiest thing this is a fun one it's removing
soft talk.
What do you mean by that?
I'll tell you.
So there is soft talk andthere's solid talk.
Soft talk is unclear,indecisive, ambiguous language.
Solid talk is the opposite.
It's decisive, it's clear andit makes sense.
(32:17):
It's logically sound.
So an example of soft talkthere's soft talk words and
you'll recognize many of them.
An example I might make it tothe party for 5pm.
I could make it to the partyfor 5pm.
I should make it to the partyfor 5pm.
I kind of want to be at theparty for 5pmm.
Perhaps I'll make it to theparty for 5 pm.
(32:41):
So these are all soft talk words.
They're unclear and ambiguousand I like to think that if you
can answer, if a statement canbe followed up with a question,
it's not said solid enough.
So we remove the soft talk.
I'm going to make it to theparty for 5pm.
I'm not going to make it to the.
I'm not going to the party andI'm undecided.
(33:02):
I'll let you know at a laterdate.
And so it creates clarity arounddecisions.
So when we remove the soft talk, it puts us into a state to
make a small decision thataligns with what we want to do
so.
There's no possibility ofresentment, there's only the
anticipation of someone elsecaring that we're not there.
(33:24):
Then we have with that smalldecision, with those small
decision makings.
When we remove that soft talk,it micro doses decision making
and so when we can make thosesmall decisions, we practice
small decision making.
By removing that soft talk,we'll be able to train ourselves
(33:45):
to be able to be more competentand confident in our decision
making by the time we get to bigdecisions, because we're going
to trust ourself to be able todo it.
Jess (33:50):
So it's like small and steady, but then also.
Kyle Smith (33:53):
It's slow and strong , rather than faster, to fail.
Jess (33:56):
Yeah, but it's also holding you and your work-classy
accountable right, because ifyou're doing it, you want to
balance the comment back ifthey're not being clear.
You know, compassion slashjudgment.
Kyle Smith (34:13):
Yeah, fair.
Claude (34:14):
But it's true though, because a lot of time at least
you can make a decision.
You tell the other person thedecision right, even if you
don't know.
At least it's not like gooseygoosey, you know, like loosey
goosey.
Kyle Smith (34:30):
I dig it.
Claude (34:31):
Yeah, you know, because it is.
If you don't know, it's like Ido not know, but I will let you
know Instead of I should be ableto, I might go, you know, and
it's actually, yeah, giving alsoaccountability.
Kyle Smith (34:45):
Totally.
And then people like, whenpeople start doing it or start
removing the soft talk, they'llsee it in their texts very often
.
And then when they practice it,it happens in the brain Like
(35:06):
when you're thinking you'veremoved the soft talk and you're
like whoa, like if?
Claude (35:09):
something silly like should I do the laundry today?
Kyle Smith (35:10):
I remove that I can do the laundry today it feels
different in the body.
Yeah, and so I'm not if peoplewant to.
Jess (35:14):
Oh yes, there you go at least you made a decision.
And that feels good.
Kyle Smith (35:20):
Totally.
And then you notice it aroundwhen people, when you're walking
around, you could hear softtalk everywhere, because there's
plenty of indecisive, ambiguousindividuals.
Jess (35:31):
It's going to be like the when.
Is it like where you break theglass when one person says it?
Kyle Smith (35:36):
then now you cannot notice it.
Yeah, yeah, it's exactly likethat.
Claude (35:40):
You'll be like and I think I really also like that
you say it is going to show youas being more confident to the
others.
Jess (35:50):
Yeah, you know that is by that on others and empower you.
Yeah, yeah.
I think that's a fantasticfirst step to start with.
So thank you, I appreciate that.
Kyle Smith (36:01):
My pleasure.
Jess (36:02):
I'm going to use it.
Claude (36:03):
Good yeah, give her, I am going to use it, not that I'm
nice Nice.
Kyle Smith (36:07):
That was good.
That was good, that was awesome.
Jess (36:16):
So, kyle, for our WorkBestie community out out
there, if they wanted to learnmore about you and your process,
how would they go about doing?
Kyle Smith (36:24):
the best resource for information would be
clarityconsultantca that's mywebsite and then to have a
conversation with me.
Actually, all my social mediahandles are the same.
It's a dapper do Kyled-a-p-P-E-R-D-U-D-E-K-Y-L-E For
my fastest response time.
Instagram.
Claude (36:44):
And, of course, we'll put all those links and the
information on all the YouTubeand Instagram, on all the posts
and the reels we're going to do.
Jess (36:54):
Don't forget to subscribe and, like Kyle, do you have any
parting words before we wrap up?
Kyle Smith (37:01):
Yeah, sure, I have something I like to share and
it's a mantra of my own, andit's to keep up the kindness.
And when I say kindness, Idon't think of it as passivity,
I think of it as activeparticipation and I don't think
of kindness as emotion.
I believe that we recognizekindness when we see it, which
means that kindness can beembodied.
(37:23):
So if we keep up the kindness,we're just embodying it and as
we bring more kindness toourselves, it's obviously going
to perpetuate outwards and we'regoing to receive more kindness
as a transaction.
Jess (37:37):
I love it, I really love it.
Yeah, it's that whole adage ofwhat you give back, you get.
What you give out, you giveback tenfold totally beautiful
thank you so much, kyle.
Claude (37:48):
Yeah, it was so interesting.
A lot of things we can actuallystart doing, you know, to
better ourself and pleaseeverybody you want to learn more
?
Jess (37:58):
contact kyle, and thank you so much, thank you thank you
I remember, whether you'reswapping snacks in the break
room, rescuing each other fromendless meetings or just sending
that perfectly timed meme.
Having a work bestie is likehaving your own personal hype
squad.
Claude (38:17):
So keep lifting each other, laughing through the
chaos and, of course, thriving.
Until next time, stay positive,stay productive and don't
forget to keep supporting eachother.
Work besties.
Stuck in a rut.
It's time to break free.
In today's episode of WorkBesties who podcast, we have
Kyle Smith, a clarity consultantand creator of Neuro-Lingistics
Semantic Experience, nlse.
He's going to reveal how themindset, language and breathing
work can unlock your truepotential, ready to transform
(00:21):
your anxiety into action andtake control of your wellness.
So keep listening to the very,very end to learn the
game-changing tools that couldchange your life.
Hi, I'm Claude and I'm Jess.
We are Corporate Employees byDay.
Welcome, kyle.
We are so excited to have youon today's podcast.
(00:42):
We thought we'd kick off withyou, giving a little bit of
background on who you are andwhat you do.
Sure.
Kyle Smith (00:48):
My name is Kyle Smith and it's a
neuro-linguistic somaticexperience NLSE that I developed
and it's an outcomes-focusedpractice rather than a
problems-focused practice and itworks as a mindset gym for
mental fitness and it's atop-down approach.
It's not head heavy, itinvolves the body and I
(01:09):
developed it through turning myproblems into my passions and
going from someone I didn't liketo someone I actually do like.
Claude (01:15):
And when did you really start to create this program?
Kyle Smith (01:19):
Overall, I would say probably about 10 years ago.
That's when I made the decisionto make different decisions, to
experience a different life,because the one that I was
experiencing was not one that Iwanted to be in.
I didn't like the character Iwas.
So when I found myself with aclean slate where it was just
open-ended, I decided that Iwanted to adjust some things.
(01:40):
That took me down a route oftrying out different modalities,
different practices, to seewhat resonated and then reject
what didn't.
And throughout that 10 years,the two things that I got the
most leverage and bang for mybuck in the results from was
story work and breath work, andso I combined those two things
(02:00):
to create Neuro LinguisticSomatic Experience NLSE those
two things to createneuro-linguistic somatic
experience, NLSE Interesting.
Jess (02:08):
So between those two, can you break down what the
differences are and what youmean by story work versus breath
work?
Kyle Smith (02:13):
Totally so.
Story work is in the head andthen breath work is of the body.
So it's an exchange between thetwo.
One way where we can have themas separate is we can look at
our words and think about whichwords help us or harm us.
So our words, our stories, whatwe say, think and write
(02:34):
influence the way that we thinkand I think of words and the
words that we say and think andthat we write as the ethereal
macronutrients of the mind.
So the body is built up off ofcarbs, fats and proteins.
The quality of thosemacronutrients is going to
influence the quality of thebody.
The quality of the words thatwe speak is going to influence
(02:57):
the quality of our mind.
When we feed our mind qualitywords, we're going to have
quality thoughts.
When we feed our mind crapwords, we're going to have crap
thoughts.
So story work is taking thosestories and alleviating
intensity or creating moremeaning and joyfulness,
depending on the type of story.
And then breath work is thepractice to connect.
(03:18):
It's an active meditation.
So, rather than a passivemeditation where you're sitting
in stillness, which, technically, you got some of that when
you're doing some breathworkpractices.
However, when you're doing thebreathwork practice, it's a
different type of tempos.
So whatever the practice is,there's a tempo with it.
So it could be in, out, in, out, it could be slow, quick bursts
(03:39):
, and it depends on what theperson wants to experience on
the other side.
Why is it?
They're doing the breath work.
They'll pick low and slow sothat they can down-regulate and
they'll pick high and tight toup-regulate.
So with the breath work, it getsus having a conversation with
our body, because the breath isthe language of the body.
So when we're breathing high andtight, we're good to fight.
(04:01):
When we're breathing low andslow, we're good to flow.
And if we're good to fight whenwe're breathing low and slow,
we're good to flow.
And if we're in a spot where,let's say, we're going into a
competition or a challenge,being high and tight and good to
fight, that's probably in ourI'm going to take out, probably
that could very well be in ourbest interest.
And if we're breathing low andslow and we're in a neutral area
(04:23):
where we're hanging out withfriends and suddenly we
recognize that we're breathinghigh and tight, we have a
dialogue take a breath in, takethe breath out, down, regulate
the body, and so I think of thebreath work aspect, as you're
going from a thermometer, whereyou're reacting to the internal
(04:43):
or external stimuli, to being athermostat where you're setting
your internal temperature toyour liking, so you're on
Goldilocks zone through thebreath.
So that's how story work andbreath work would be separate.
Claude (04:56):
So you're doing that breath work.
For example, is it somethingwhere you do every day like a
meditation, and or as well whenyou have this outburst of
anxiety, of stress.
Kyle Smith (05:09):
That's where you start working also, doing also
those breath work I would say ifsomeone's focusing on breath
work, well, if they want to getreally good at it, do more of it
.
I think that's logical.
Yeah, exactly, and so with thatpractice, the thing that people
(05:31):
forget about practice is thatpractice is what we do in
controlled environments, and soif we can control and regulate
ourselves in a controlledenvironment, it allows us to
practice for thoseuncontrollable circumstances
where we are now testing what wehave practiced downregulating.
So I think of it where the waythat I use it or the way that I
(05:53):
recommend people to use it is ifyou want to have it as a daily
practice, go ahead, because itcan downregulate, upregulate and
neutralize, like you can chillout pretty good and then do it
as you wish.
It could be five minutes, itcould be 30 minutes, it could be
.
However, you want to experiencethat breathwork journey.
Claude (06:14):
I'm not sure I understood the storytelling one.
Kyle Smith (06:18):
Totally so.
I'll start with stories itself.
Stories are an example ofstories.
Would be past experiences.
It could be traumas.
It could be future anxietiesthat don't exist yet.
It could be future goals thatdon't exist yet.
It could be stories that hurt,haunt, taunt, annoy.
It could be dreams.
Anything that can be writtendown could be story work, and
(06:41):
the reason for how the storywork process goes is we're
taking the stories out of themind and we're putting it on
paper or on a Google document.
So we're taking it out of theinfinite expanse up here and
we're putting it someplace wherewe have a start and a finish,
and it allows us to go into thatstory, do a four-step process
to down-regulate or get unstuck,celebrate the wins and progress
(07:04):
and then create goals andtargets that we are action prone
and excited to go towards.
Jess (07:10):
It's like journaling.
Yeah, I'm gonna say so, kyle.
Is that kind of the intent?
Is, yes, journaling, but is itthe intent to, like you, write
the story down so you take astep back and see it in a
different lens?
Kyle Smith (07:22):
and then so that, and then it goes into
integrating that story ratherthan having it hold as an anchor
.
So how the story work and thebreath work work together is
through the four-step processthat I walk people through.
I'll just do it here becauseit'll be, it'll be fun, it'll be
easy, so what it?
looks like is starts with.
(07:45):
So this would be the heavyversion.
And then there's light languagegames that are fun to play with
as well, and it's all aboutexploration.
There's no right or wrong.
The four-step process and theway that a session usually goes
is I'll do 10 to 15 minuteswhere we'll do a guided
breathwork session to down,regulate and neutralize any
feelings.
So if someone's coming in wherethey're wound up, if they're
(08:07):
low, if they're high, whateverthey're experiencing, I know
that throughout that first 10 to15 minutes they're going to be
neutral.
Then let's say it's a storywhere it's a uh, it could be a
trauma.
Everyone likes everyone likesto talk about their traumas
nowadays, so it'd be about theirtrauma.
Jess (08:24):
We all have a lot of them.
That's why.
Kyle Smith (08:27):
I think we have less .
I'll counter that.
I think we have less.
I think we believe we have more.
However, in concept, however,in reality, we have less.
Yeah, because that's anarrative, what we frame the
world around us.
A story is how we perceive theworld around us.
A story is how we perceive theworld around us.
It's a frame because when I'mworking with folks, people will
(08:49):
take multiple let's say it has asimilar theme and I'm sure both
of you know someone like this.
I think I know a couple peoplelike this where they date 10
different people.
However, it's the exact sameperson.
So when we have stories orexperiences in our life, it can
have the same theme rejection,resentment, grief, joy and then
(09:12):
we put all those storiestogether and then we think it's
big, when it's actually quitesmall, little chunks that
happened as moments of time.
Yeah.
Jess (09:21):
Got it.
That makes sense.
Kyle Smith (09:23):
So let's say, for a trauma story, where it's being
held in the body, because that'swhere the somatic part comes in
.
It's the physical body, andthen there's the emotional body,
the emotions, the energy inmotion, emotion, that's where we
hold our stories and they couldflow or they can hinder flow.
(09:44):
They work as a dam.
So it could be a story.
Let's see, I'll use one of myown because it'll be easier.
So a story actually, I'll gowith a story that I did story
work and, uh, my father passedaway when I was nine, so that
one's pretty solid one to writedown.
Like I'm like, yeah, this is ajuicy, freaking story.
We're gonna get something fromthis.
So the first step is to.
So that would be my topic, thatwould be the story that would.
(10:05):
I think it'd be more so alongthe lines of taunt or annoy.
Nowadays there's no hurt andthere's no haunt.
It'd be more taunt and annoy.
And I go with taunt and that'sbecause I'm also thinking of
this on the fly, because I'mjust reflecting too and I would
think taunt because I didn't getto learn that much about him.
So that's why it'd be ataunting story, not a hurtful
(10:28):
story, and so I would title itand write it down.
So the first step title the Daymy Father Passed Away, write
down the story.
It was at my grandparents'place, or when I was nine years
old.
I remember being at mygrandparents' place.
So you write the storyconversationally, err on the
side of more detail rather thanless, and you write until you're
(10:50):
content.
You'll know when there's enoughwritten.
So that's the first part whichpeople don't do.
This part, this is whatjournaling usually is, where you
take your thoughts and you putthem down.
However, people journal in thefirst person as if they're just
talking to themselves.
I am this, oh, I am that,whether it's positive or
negative, I feel this, I feelthat this thing was done to me
(11:12):
Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
So when we put it asconversational, then we're
writing a story and someone elsecould read it and it makes
sense.
There's like it's grammarly.
It makes more sense from agrammar perspective.
So that's taking it out of thehead.
So this you're already.
In a very small percentage ofindividuals, they'll take their
stories and put them somewhereelse.
(11:32):
And then step two this can bedone solo, with another person
or in a group of people, and itis to read the story out loud.
The more people, the moresupercharged the experience is.
You'll feel it because you'resharing your heart and it's a
really cool experience.
And so then, in step two, asyou're reading it out loud, many
folks, if it's a story that'san ouchy story, they'll hold
(11:53):
their breath in their chest andthey'll try to read the story as
quickly as possible becausethey don't want to feel the
feels.
Claude (12:00):
Right.
Kyle Smith (12:02):
So sometimes so if I'm working with someone and
they end up with motor mouth,I'm like whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
slow it down.
They're like, yeah, I don'twant to slow down.
Jess (12:12):
Would you ever have somebody else read the story for
them?
Or you really need them to read?
Kyle Smith (12:16):
it.
They have to read it because itmeans something to them.
It doesn't mean anything to theother person.
I would put different words inif I'm working with someone and
that would just adjust it sothat they can say it in a
different way, to introduce aframe, got it?
Yeah, so reading it, that's.
That's the second step.
Step three is read it 30% slowerand this is to negate the speed
(12:38):
reading on possible speedreading on step two 30% your
normal rate of speech.
Reading on step two 30% yournormal rate of speech.
So then the story would be whenI was nine years old, I
remember being at mygrandparents' place and then so
on for the rest of the story.
So that's 30% my normal rate ofspeech.
Go through that.
Then we integrate the readingand the breathing.
(12:59):
We put those together.
So that's where the it comestogether, where it's not just
story work and breath work, it'sa well hybridization of the two
.
And at the end of every periodthe occasional comma and
sometimes and you insert abreath, so you maintain that
same slow reading.
When I was nine years old I wasat my grandparents' house.
(13:20):
So now, at each stage it's microdoses of exposure therapy in a
controlled set and setting.
And so people are confrontingthe thing that they were
previously fearful of.
They're confronting the dragonto get the gold.
And so at each step, there'sthree questions to ask yourself.
And the first one is like,after you're done a read, what
(13:42):
feelings are coming up?
Where do I feel it?
In my body and on it, on ascale of one to 10, 10 being the
most intense, where do I putmyself?
How intense does it feel?
And each of those points, boom,boom, boom.
You feel and you experiencesomething different because
you're pushing, you're flowingthrough.
So now that story that may havein the past hurt, haunt, taunt
(14:03):
and annoyed, that was lodged inmy body.
I four-stepped and allowed itto break and crack and I was
able to allow that flow ofenergy.
Sorry, busted down that dam.
That happened when I was nine.
That was still an anchorpreventing progress in the
present, like, let's say, liketwo decades later, probably less
(14:26):
than that.
I handled it pretty early on.
So that was one where I waslike when I first started story
working, I was like this is astory, let's go, it was great.
So that's the process andthat's how the stories and the
breath break down, the emotions,and that's like going to the
past, and it could be used tocreate the future as well.
Jess (14:47):
Where did you recognize that you needed to do these two
steps?
How or I guess how wouldsomebody recognize that this is
something they should be comingand leveraging?
Kyle Smith (14:56):
Ooh, I got two different answers for that one.
The first one I kind of askedtwo different questions.
Yeah, I was like wait a second,that's all good.
So for the first one, how Icame about putting them together
is because, uh, cause storywork, I did learn I have a sort
of a level one, level twocertification for it.
So I learned it fromoriginators Mark England, really
(15:17):
cool guy, and Mark England,Adam Chin, the Unlifted Crew,
Kimberly Kesting freaking goats,and I.
I recommend checking out theirstuff.
It's cool.
Jess (15:27):
Okay.
Kyle Smith (15:29):
Uh, so it was actually a case of uh, fafo, you
know f around and find out anduh, those are the two things
that stuck the with the moststrength.
So over that 10 years they'rejust molding together.
And then I had a year where Iwas practicing it and developing
(15:49):
it with, uh well, case studiesand seeing what the right amount
of time for a session is.
It used to be it started as twohour sessions and it's come
down to 75 minute sessions, like.
So it's been pretty cool.
And the second what was thesecond question again?
Jess (16:03):
The second question is so now you know how you came about
it, but me, let's say, I have nobackground on this.
I obviously know whatstorytelling is, but in a
different way.
How would I know or where wouldI have gone to recognize that
this is something that I couldget benefit from?
Kyle Smith (16:19):
Well, if my marketing is good enough, that's
one way I would say that theway that I wrap it up and the
systems that I have on the backend, it's not the systems that
I'd be sharing, it's the giftwrapping, and so I focus on.
If you're an individual thatthis is the person I speak to,
if you're an individual that hasa sincere desire to make change
(16:43):
, has a curiosity towardsexploration and has an openness
or a willingness to test theirpain, threshold and or comfort
zone, then those are the threefoundational points.
From there then it comes downto what is the style that
someone's looking for.
Because the way that I frame itis my focus is autonomy.
(17:03):
I'm cool with working withsomeone for a year and after a
year, the goal is for them notto need me.
It's to have them work with meif they so choose.
They don't have to Ideallylifelong clients.
That's like the idea.
That's like super sweet.
However, I don't want peopledependent on me and I want
people teaching it outside of meas well.
(17:24):
So I purposefully made this sothat people go from dependent
dwellers to autonomous actiontakers.
So when people have that pointof I don't like or a struggle is
I'm doing what other people aretelling me to do and I'm not
happy.
I've already done everythingI've been told to do and I'm
(17:46):
about to retire and I'm nothappy.
And so it's when people areunclear, uncertain or stuck in
something.
That's when I get to come in,because it's about building up
the person, the self-image, theidentity.
Claude (17:59):
Is it also for someone that has anxiety or stress?
So they do those that sometimescan come from, like you say, a
past, a trauma.
Sometimes can come from, likeyou say, a past, a trauma, and
then to try to relieve, I don'tknow, to try to relieve those
anxieties.
Kyle Smith (18:15):
I would go with the stories first, because what
would be the anxiety from?
So, let's say, could it be ananxiety of anticipation of
future pain?
So I am scared to do thisbecause I'm scared to fail.
So there's the thing thatyou're resisting and the thing
that you want, and you'recreating the narrative, while
(18:37):
not even being there, about whatyour failure is going to be
like before you get there.
Claude (18:42):
Yeah.
Kyle Smith (18:42):
So that's one form of anxiety.
I would also say- it soundslike Kyle.
Jess (18:46):
In essence, like most, we've been trained that like if
you have anxiety, you have allthese other things.
Breathing work alone will helpyou.
But it sounds like you'resaying you really need to
integrate the two, otherwiseyou're not explaining the why
before solving the how.
Kyle Smith (19:00):
Yeah, because I, because I think that it goes
head first, then to the body,and so how my practice differs
is that there's the body aspect,where there's the using the
breath, where counselingtherapies to talking heads, it's
just a regurgitation ofinformation.
It's the exact same thing allthe time.
It doesn't go from here down.
(19:21):
Breath work only focuses itsbody heavy, and I think that
when it comes to our anxieties,it's not from a physical sense,
it's from the stories that camebefore the feeling.
We have to have to think thething before the feeling.
So another form of anxiety thatI'd like to think of as well is
it's a narrative anxiety wherelet's say you have a kid and you
(19:44):
have the kid getting in linefor a roller coaster and there's
two different adults and thekid's saying, wow, I'm breathing
really heavy, my heart's reallyfast.
And then one of the adults, forwhatever reason, is like, oh,
yeah, your pupils are dilatedand it's like, yeah, I'm really
sweaty, I got wobbly knees.
So then you have one adult sayyou're experiencing fear.
(20:06):
So that kid is going to saythese feelings is fear.
Then you have adult number twosay oh, you're experiencing
excitement.
They're the exact samephysiological responses to a
particular stimuli.
It's just which narrative arewe choosing to put on that point
?
So, is it anxiety or is itexcitement?
Is it fear of a future thatdoesn't exist, which in that
(20:29):
case the goal would be to limityour limitations in order to
reduce resistance?
So then, if you limit thelimitations and you reduce
resistance, then there's nodistraction or excuse preventing
the person from going forwardBecause, rather than adopting
the hypothetical failure,they're creating the structured
(20:49):
focus and target and outcome.
And then I also think there's athird type of anxiety that I
think of as well, and I callthis one incongruence anxiety.
So this one, this one, I think,is the I think this is broadly
what people experience whenthey're experiencing anxiety.
I think it goes this one, thenit goes the narrative one, where
(21:10):
it's excitement rather thanthat, and then anticipation of
future pain would probably belike.
Second in there, it would goyeah.
So this incongruence anxiety iswhen you say you're going to do
something and you don't do itand you want to do it.
There's a cognitive disconnectbetween what you say you're
going to do and who you perceiveyourself to be, cognitive
disconnect between what you sayyou're going to do and who you
(21:31):
perceive yourself to be.
So I like to think that theworse off we feel about
ourselves, the further off trackwe are.
The more anxiety we feel, thefurther off track we are.
If we actually stick to doingwhat we say we're going to do,
we're not going to experienceanxiety because we're going to
live in alignment.
Jess (21:46):
So, Kyle, since this is about work besties, I'm curious
from your perspective.
I know I love all that and,like I, actually resonate very
well, that was a bit of atangent.
Kyle Smith (21:57):
That was a bit of a tangent, but I'm wondering like.
Jess (22:01):
So, some of those things and the reason I'm kind of it's
like a leading question becauseI think I have a perspective on
it too, as you're working withindividuals perspective on it
too, as you're working withindividuals have you ever found
or do you feel like there's waysyou can leverage your work
bestie or some type of person inyour life to help say, like,
this is where you're going offcourse, because I just, yeah,
(22:21):
some of those things, I meanliterally, you said some of
those and I'm like I'm feelingit myself.
So is there, yeah, I don't know, like a sign or tips or
recommendations of when you hearyour work bestie say this?
That's when you need to remindthem or have them think about
doing some story.
Kyle Smith (22:38):
You know I'm going to flip the table on this one a
little bit.
Okay, because that was aprojection, so we turn into a
reflection, because we can onlyrecognize in others what we also
can see in ourselves.
Jess (22:50):
In ourselves, yeah.
Kyle Smith (22:51):
So I would start with, if the person said exactly
as you said, I would say do youneed to go into this work by
any chance?
And then I also think thatbecause we also may know
something.
However, it's difficult to pullsomeone out or up if they're
(23:12):
not wanting to change at thatmoment.
So meeting them where they'reat is going to be easier to
encourage and inspire and createthat support system or that
work bestie, Because I thinksupport is really important.
Solutions are less important,because folks often know what
the solution is.
(23:33):
And then another thing is whensomeone else sees that you're
doing the thing that you wantthem to do, they're going to be
more inclined to do it becauseyou also practice what you
preach.
Jess (23:46):
Okay, all right, I felt that.
I'm sorry.
I said I felt that yeah, fair.
Kyle Smith (23:52):
When you asked the question, I felt it I'm like
here we go.
I was like keep it as neutralas possible.
Jess (24:02):
I think the next question I would have asked, but now it's
going to turn on me what arethe signs when somebody needs
help and he's like do you wantto flip the camera?
Do you want the mirror?
Do you need a mirror?
yeah, take a pen, yeah that wasbeautiful and I resonated the
most with, though, and I'm notsure if, um, you feel the same,
(24:25):
but I would imagine, based onsome of the memes we see out
there for work besties, whichthere's a lot of them the whole
committing to what you sayyou're going to do and not
really following through withall of it and then the shame and
guilt you feel for it.
It's like a consistent narrativethat just evolves and you feel
like you can't get out of it.
So I think to your point.
It's like taking that step backand writing what down.
(24:45):
Why do I?
Claude (24:47):
keep doing that.
It's so questionating.
Oh yeah, we talked about thattoo.
Kyle Smith (24:53):
I would also go with two other things on what you
just said.
There, too, is what is it thatyou're paying attention to?
That works as a distraction?
Eliminate them, because thenthat creates more space in the
mind.
Jess (25:02):
What if I like doing those things you can do it.
Kyle Smith (25:04):
Well, you can do it, you can do it.
I mean, you're not gonna wantto, so that's gone, yeah.
And then another thing too isthat I think that folks because
I I was actually duringjournaling about this the other
day, I was writing this out andit's that why is it that we try
to aim to do everything when wecan just crush it at few things?
Jess (25:27):
so it's an expectation adjustment, it's a narrative
adjustment and expectations andexpectations, totally yeah, I
think that's the one I alwayshave to consistently go back to
likewise same so let's changetopics a little less about me
perhaps.
Claude (25:45):
Claude, feel free to talk about your synchrosis no,
you're good, I have plenty we'llhave like I'll share.
Kyle Smith (25:54):
I'll share, uh, one other thing too, with uh
supporting people too.
I like.
I like this thingy that uh,jordan pearson says about love,
how love is a dance betweenjudgment and compassion, because
if we don't have enoughjudgment and too much compassion
, people will continue theirbehavior because they're not
(26:18):
experiencing the repercussionsof judgment.
If it's only judgment and nocompassion, then there's no
emotional component to it, andso when we have that dance
between compassion, judgment andtheir flowing, then it sounds
more like right now.
Actually, I'll say I'll just godirectly to you, jess, it'll
(26:39):
just be more fun.
Jess (26:40):
Go for it.
Kyle Smith (26:42):
So this would be.
It's all about intentionalityand delivery as well.
So, for example, jess, you'rethinking way more than you
really need to, and I know youcan organize your thoughts.
Jess (26:52):
Thank you, so that would be that would be compassion and
judgment at the same time at thesame time yeah without it
feeling hurtful.
You feel yeah, totally, andexactly feel charged totally and
another thing I do specificallyin that is your point.
I do feel supported, yeah yeahand it's.
Claude (27:11):
I don't know if even I feel like judgment for me
judgment, it has that negativeconnotation maybe is it your
negative connotation?
Kyle Smith (27:18):
or is it your negative connotation or is it an
adopted negative connotation?
Jess (27:22):
turn the light on you.
It's your turn.
Just just just lit up.
Claude (27:27):
She's like yes, yes yeah , there's a lot of issues,
because I do believe it doesn'thave to be negative, I think.
Jess (27:40):
I think what?
Because, how kyle just said itto me, it was judgment, but it
was a but was it a judgmentthough?
Yeah, because he's seeing thatI'm not hitting, like I am
committing to 25 things when Ionly need to do five.
So he's saying you can organizeyour time better and maybe you
could do all 25.
Maybe you don't need to, thoughtotally.
Kyle Smith (28:02):
However, I do understand why I think that I
actually like the negativeconnotation to judgment, because
then I think that it puts us inour best behavior.
Compassion has that love, ithas that admiration,
appreciation, it has thatsupport.
It's consoling, and judgmentallows us to have direction.
It allows us to objectivelyobserve the information and be
(28:27):
able to say am or am not goingon the direction that I want to.
So I don't think it's negative.
I think that there are judgypeople, and I think that another
thing too is when people aresimply just judging to be
malicious.
I don't think that anotherthing too is when people are
simply just judging to bemalicious.
I don't think that's cool, thatdoesn't fit.
Jess (28:42):
That's where I think that's why yeah it's like the
difference of gossip and what dowe have that like one
conversation was like it's likethe difference between like
gossiping about people but firstlike venting, venting no but
well, venting in general, verselike wasn't gossiping.
Then the difference was likevery fine line, right, but at
the same point one was a littlemore negative versus one was
(29:03):
going to actually get you to aplace Like you can say to
someone he was venting, you'reright, you can say to someone
I'm just venting, I'm notgossiping, I'm venting and
therefore I'm looking for younot to answer me today but just
to listen and be myself.
To listen, just to listen andbe myself.
Yeah, it's not meant as anegative.
Whatever's coming out of theirmouth, they probably don't
actually fully mean, they justneed it to articulate it really.
(29:23):
So it's almost the storytellingright like they need to frame it
out once you say it out loudyou then half the time we're
like oh, I didn't really meanthat.
Claude (29:30):
Yeah but several times also.
We did say during otherpodcasts that you know
friendship also like work,besties, besties, but friendship
is you don't want a yes person.
You want someone that's got itright, that time I know usually
goes a yeah person.
Usually I say yeah person.
I like that too.
Kyle Smith (29:49):
I like I'm flowing with that, I'm finding with that
right, yeah, listen, there wasjudgment.
Claude (29:54):
And when you told me there was judgment, no, no, no,
there was judgment.
And what is the other way?
And I listen, see, that's whatshe did in the past, so it was
what.
But you know, so you need also,like friendship is also someone
that has to give, like you know, judgment, or you know what is
(30:16):
going on and being factual, butalso with empathy.
Yeah, you know and that is Iwhat is going on and being
factual, but also with empathyyeah you know, and that is I
think, is I think I like that.
Jess (30:24):
That's why I like how you framed it, the judgment the
passion.
It's better than saying likeconstructive criticism, because
I feel, like constructivecriticism is still like a
negative yeah, like you're justdoing.
I think it's like the complimentsandwich just yeah, it makes
makes me think of work also yeah, everybody's in a relationship
with someone to be like yourwork bestie is.
(30:45):
We talk about this a lot.
Sometimes we bicker just asmuch, if not more, than our with
our significant others.
So it is that balance ofjudgment and passion, and when
we come at each other, we alwayssometimes come with step back
because we're like but I loveyou.
Claude (30:59):
I'm doing this because I love you.
I feel like we're in a therapysession right now.
Kyle Smith (31:06):
I'm just watching.
It's good and breathing.
Claude (31:11):
You should do that awesome my goodness.
Jess (31:16):
But this is a sign that it works right now, that we've
learned how we can better eachother with some of these
processes.
Awesome, my goodness.
But this is a sign that itworks.
Yeah, right.
No, I love it Now that we'velearned how we can better each
other with some of theseprocesses, which we were waiting
for.
What can we do from a workbestie, community capacity?
And so we were thinking aboutsome of the things that they
most often are challenged with,and we do hear a lot about
burnout, anxiety, stress, and wedo hear a lot about burnout,
(31:37):
anxiety, stress and I think youkind of hit on this already in
some capacity, from theperspective of what would we be
if they didn't have the means orthe time to get to you.
What were a couple of quicktricks they could start to do
until they can find somebodylike you to work with?
Kyle Smith (31:54):
The easiest thing this is a fun one it's removing
soft talk.
What do you mean by that?
I'll tell you.
So there is soft talk andthere's solid talk.
Soft talk is unclear,indecisive, ambiguous language.
Solid talk is the opposite.
It's decisive, it's clear andit makes sense.
(32:17):
It's logically sound.
So an example of soft talkthere's soft talk words and
you'll recognize many of them.
An example I might make it tothe party for 5pm.
I could make it to the partyfor 5pm.
I should make it to the partyfor 5pm.
I kind of want to be at theparty for 5pmm.
Perhaps I'll make it to theparty for 5 pm.
(32:41):
So these are all soft talk words.
They're unclear and ambiguousand I like to think that if you
can answer, if a statement canbe followed up with a question,
it's not said solid enough.
So we remove the soft talk.
I'm going to make it to theparty for 5pm.
I'm not going to make it to the.
I'm not going to the party andI'm undecided.
(33:02):
I'll let you know at a laterdate.
And so it creates clarity arounddecisions.
So when we remove the soft talk, it puts us into a state to
make a small decision thataligns with what we want to do
so.
There's no possibility ofresentment, there's only the
anticipation of someone elsecaring that we're not there.
(33:24):
Then we have with that smalldecision, with those small
decision makings.
When we remove that soft talk,it micro doses decision making
and so when we can make thosesmall decisions, we practice
small decision making.
By removing that soft talk,we'll be able to train ourselves
(33:45):
to be able to be more competentand confident in our decision
making by the time we get to bigdecisions, because we're going
to trust ourself to be able todo it.
Jess (33:50):
So it's like small and steady, but then also.
Kyle Smith (33:53):
It's slow and strong , rather than faster, to fail.
Jess (33:56):
Yeah, but it's also holding you and your work-classy
accountable right, because ifyou're doing it, you want to
balance the comment back ifthey're not being clear.
You know, compassion slashjudgment.
Kyle Smith (34:13):
Yeah, fair.
Claude (34:14):
But it's true though, because a lot of time at least
you can make a decision.
You tell the other person thedecision right, even if you
don't know.
At least it's not like gooseygoosey, you know, like loosey
goosey.
Kyle Smith (34:30):
I dig it.
Claude (34:31):
Yeah, you know, because it is.
If you don't know, it's like Ido not know, but I will let you
know Instead of I should be ableto, I might go, you know, and
it's actually, yeah, giving alsoaccountability.
Kyle Smith (34:45):
Totally.
And then people like, whenpeople start doing it or start
removing the soft talk, they'llsee it in their texts very often
.
And then when they practice it,it happens in the brain Like
(35:06):
when you're thinking you'veremoved the soft talk and you're
like whoa, like if?
Claude (35:09):
something silly like should I do the laundry today?
Kyle Smith (35:10):
I remove that I can do the laundry today it feels
different in the body.
Yeah, and so I'm not if peoplewant to.
Jess (35:14):
Oh yes, there you go at least you made a decision.
And that feels good.
Kyle Smith (35:20):
Totally.
And then you notice it aroundwhen people, when you're walking
around, you could hear softtalk everywhere, because there's
plenty of indecisive, ambiguousindividuals.
Jess (35:31):
It's going to be like the when.
Is it like where you break theglass when one person says it?
Kyle Smith (35:36):
then now you cannot notice it.
Yeah, yeah, it's exactly likethat.
Claude (35:40):
You'll be like and I think I really also like that
you say it is going to show youas being more confident to the
others.
Jess (35:50):
Yeah, you know that is by that on others and empower you.
Yeah, yeah.
I think that's a fantasticfirst step to start with.
So thank you, I appreciate that.
Kyle Smith (36:01):
My pleasure.
Jess (36:02):
I'm going to use it.
Claude (36:03):
Good yeah, give her, I am going to use it, not that I'm
nice Nice.
Kyle Smith (36:07):
That was good.
That was good, that was awesome.
Jess (36:16):
So, kyle, for our WorkBestie community out out
there, if they wanted to learnmore about you and your process,
how would they go about doing?
Kyle Smith (36:24):
the best resource for information would be
clarityconsultantca that's mywebsite and then to have a
conversation with me.
Actually, all my social mediahandles are the same.
It's a dapper do Kyled-a-p-P-E-R-D-U-D-E-K-Y-L-E For
my fastest response time.
Instagram.
Claude (36:44):
And, of course, we'll put all those links and the
information on all the YouTubeand Instagram, on all the posts
and the reels we're going to do.
Jess (36:54):
Don't forget to subscribe and, like Kyle, do you have any
parting words before we wrap up?
Kyle Smith (37:01):
Yeah, sure, I have something I like to share and
it's a mantra of my own, andit's to keep up the kindness.
And when I say kindness, Idon't think of it as passivity,
I think of it as activeparticipation and I don't think
of kindness as emotion.
I believe that we recognizekindness when we see it, which
means that kindness can beembodied.
(37:23):
So if we keep up the kindness,we're just embodying it and as
we bring more kindness toourselves, it's obviously going
to perpetuate outwards and we'regoing to receive more kindness
as a transaction.
Jess (37:37):
I love it, I really love it.
Yeah, it's that whole adage ofwhat you give back, you get.
What you give out, you giveback tenfold totally beautiful
thank you so much, kyle.
Claude (37:48):
Yeah, it was so interesting.
A lot of things we can actuallystart doing, you know, to
better ourself and pleaseeverybody you want to learn more
?
Jess (37:58):
contact kyle, and thank you so much, thank you thank you
I remember, whether you'reswapping snacks in the break
room, rescuing each other fromendless meetings or just sending
that perfectly timed meme.
Having a work bestie is likehaving your own personal hype
squad.
Claude (38:17):
So keep lifting each other, laughing through the
chaos and, of course, thriving.
Until next time, stay positive,stay productive and don't
forget to keep supporting eachother.
Work besties.
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