September 15, 2025 • 31 mins
Most of us don’t actually choose how we show up — we default. In this powerful conversation, Marcy Axelrod, author of How We Choose to Show Up, joins Jess and Claude to unpack what it really means to bring your whole self to work and life.
From the science of empathy and psychological safety to simple reset tools you can try today, Marcy shares why “just showing up” isn’t enough — and how shifting into “truly showing up” changes everything.
✨ In this episode you’ll learn:
- Why authenticity at work is more than a buzzword
- The science behind empathy and connection
- Reset tools like breathwork and “tracing a 3” to manage stress
- How one café story revealed the shift from judgment to compassion
- Practical ways to repair, set boundaries, and create safety in meetings
- The one daily question that expands how you choose to show up
Whether you’re a leader, teammate, or work bestie, this episode is a guide to moving from default mode into intentional, connected presence.
🔗 Connect with Marcy: choosetoshowup.com
💚 Loved this conversation? Tag your work bestie and share how you’re choosing to show up today.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Marcy Axelrod (00:00):
Most people don't actually choose.
They default to choose.
Claude (00:03):
Hi, I'm Claude and I'm Jess.
We are corporate employees byday, entrepreneurs by night and
work besties for life.
Jess (00:11):
Join us as we explore how work besties lift each other up,
laugh through the chaos andthrive together in every
industry.
Work besties, so your messageis so powerful.
You talk about being the showup person.
What does that actually mean,Marcy?
Marcy Axelrod (00:30):
What it means is that I succumbed to how the
world works today and I labeledmyself.
That's what it means and it's awe have to live in the, in the
duality of being who we want tobe, while also recognizing that
for today's world, you need tobrand yourself.
So when I call myself the showup person, what I'm doing is I'm
(00:50):
letting people know right here,right now, there's a message
about how nature designed humansto show up and that's what I'm
offering.
So how do you, do you show up?
I very much try to live.
What I actually believe abouthow the world works and what I
believe, claude, is that we areall very fundamentally
(01:15):
integrated.
On my TED Talk I explain we areall leaves on the same tree,
right?
Peoples across time have knownthis.
There's this great quote fromChief Seattle going back
hundreds of years we are not theweb of life, we are a string
within it.
Whatever happens to oneindividual piece happens to the
(01:35):
whole.
Indigenous traditions have alsoknown this.
It's the kind of root ofBuddhism, a lot of Eastern
contemplative practices as well.
My book has the science tosupport this.
I'm going to give an example.
In our limbic system, ouremotional system, dacher Keltner
, a professor of psychology andthe head of the Greater Good
(01:57):
Science Center at the Universityof Berkeley did a study that
showed that if you literallyjust touch the forearm of a
stranger who you can't even seethe person's behind a curtain
with a one second touch, youknow what they're feeling.
The likelihood of guessingwrong in this study was below 8%
(02:21):
.
People got it right I meanright on to the word almost 70%
of the time.
And I don't mean just happy,sad, mad, glad, right, I mean
nostalgic.
Look at the connectedness that'spresent in our daily lives,
right, you're feeling what I'mfeeling right now, jess.
(02:42):
Literally, the chemistry ofyour body is shifting because of
what I'm saying, how I'm sayingit, what the ideas are, chances
are your cortisol is down,right, because I'm speaking with
a lot of care and a lot ofdepth.
Maybe your dopamine's up, youroxytocin, which is the
(03:07):
connectedness or love hormone,that's probably up.
So, literally, the chemistry ofyour body is changing because
of me and I am changing becauseof you.
So your question, claude, washow do I show up?
I very much try to show up inthe truth of how nature designed
us, which is that we areinterconnected beings and that
(03:32):
we are impacting each other atevery moment.
Claude (03:36):
I have a question.
So you're from that study.
You're telling me that if I'min the subway, if I touch
someone on their forearm, I cansee how they feel.
Marcy Axelrod (03:46):
You're going to feel how they feel.
Jess (03:49):
I feel I do, I'll try it Now.
Marcy Axelrod (03:53):
let me explain why.
Claude (03:56):
I mean we're all stuck to each other.
Marcy Axelrod (03:59):
Let me explain.
When you're not going to get it, when you're not receptive Okay
Cool.
You're not receptive if you arerushed, if you are stressed, if
you are preoccupied.
Claude (04:14):
Are you All right?
Jess (04:16):
So you're mostly preoccupied or stressed.
Marcy Axelrod (04:18):
If you're uncomfortable, oh, maybe you
really have to pee.
Maybe you didn't have yourcoffee, maybe you had too much
coffee.
Are you starting to see apattern here?
Need to be like your head to beclear.
Let's talk about the levelswhen you're in just showing up.
Let me talk about what justshowing up is, because what it
does is it disconnects us.
(04:38):
A large portion of us feeldisconnected from each other.
We have a loneliness epidemic.
I call it a show-up crisis.
Okay, there's a reason that inthe UK, the government created a
Department of Loneliness.
That's going on in America too.
Right?
Vivek Murthy, who was our 19thand 21st Surgeon General, wrote
(04:59):
one book.
The book is called Together.
It's about our lonelinessepidemic.
This stems from our notrecognizing that we all evolved
from the earth and we are allnot on the earth.
We are of the earth, right,just like an apple tree, apples,
the earth peep.
(05:20):
We've lost a sense of being one.
With the more that's out there,including each other, that
creates a massive stressorinside.
There's, in essence, a turningup of the dial of our threat
system.
When we feel even the mostminor threat, your faces or the
(05:44):
face of a stranger, even if it'ssmiling, will be perceived by
me as a threat.
That colleague doesn't like me,or you walk into a meeting and
it's like my God.
You know Joe over there.
He's always thinking that Idon't really have anything to
(06:04):
add to the party, you know, andwe perceive what's not there.
We perceive threat because oursystem is protecting ourselves.
Once you feel a lack ofconnection with each other, with
the earth, with the people mostimportant to us, we start to
(06:29):
basically malfunction as humansbecause we're not designed to
live the way that we live.
Claude (06:35):
How do you stop this vicious?
Marcy Axelrod (06:38):
circle.
You need to reset your body andyour nervous system to one of
open perceiving.
We're actually not perceivingof what's really going on and
this is how, unfortunately, ouryears go by and when we stop and
think what's most important tous, we kind of know, but we're
(06:58):
not living that.
So we live in just showing upwhen we really want to live in
truly showing up.
Jess (07:07):
Marcia, since we're a podcast about work besties, a
lot of the questions that ourcommunity ask us about is
showing up and being your moreauthentic self at work.
Level one is barely there, butlevel two is just showing up and
level three is truly showing up.
How do you get to really trulyshow up?
Marcy Axelrod (07:23):
Start with resetting your body, close your
eyes, re-embodying yourself.
Breath is a great way and it'sslow breaths.
I like the four in the four outIn for four, hold for four, out
for four, hold, hold, hold forfour and do it for a series of
minutes.
Anything that switches you intoyour sensing system.
(07:46):
We're only doing one of threethings at any moment.
We are focused on something,our mind is wandering or we're
sensing, and sensing can be whatyou're touching.
It can be oh my God, that tag'sbothering me.
It can be I'm hot, but thepoint is you're in your body and
(08:06):
when you're in your body you'rein stress.
So what I mentioned at the endof my 10 talks that I've gotten
really good feedback about istracing a three on your palm.
You can trace anything.
You can trace a heart.
I mentioned a three for levelthree truly showing up.
You do it slowly, give it agood minute.
What starts to happen is you'reperceiving of those exquisite
(08:31):
receptors in your palm.
Start to brighten and they showup for you more and more and
you'll feel your palm in a wayyou never felt.
It's like wow, like I neverfelt that, like certain spot
over here, a spot over here.
What happens is you'reperceiving of your body.
(08:56):
So those are two things.
The last chapter of my book hasa very highly regarded,
clinically proven meditationcalled the Wheel of Awareness by
Dr Dan Siegel.
I consider him to be thecreator of a whole field of
medicine called interpersonalneurobiology.
(09:17):
I will mention one of thethings in his meditation that
differs from others.
Once you've gone through a verydeep body scan, which is
feeling each part of your bodyas you breathe, what you do is
you think about someone.
And as you think about thatperson and it can be someone you
(09:38):
want to feel more warmth toward.
It can be someone you love.
It can be someone you're havingan issue with.
It can be your boss.
Before a meeting, right,picture that person and, with
all the warmth and love foryourself that you've just
focused on, send it slowly in anarc to them and then feel them
(10:04):
receiving it.
But it doesn't stop therebecause once they receive it,
you sit with that and thenafterwards you feel the
generosity of that person,sharing all that love, together
with theirs, back into you andyou receive it.
So to a certain extent this islike the loving kindness
(10:25):
meditation that's very much beenchosen to literally
revolutionize people's lives.
Two months ago I saw an oldergentleman with an infant and we
chatted for just a few secondsand it was just so loving and I
shared with the man how lovingit was that I saw how he held
(10:46):
this child, who I later learnedwas his granddaughter.
Three or four days later I geta message.
She found me and he said Marcy,I can't get out of my mind how
you felt my connectedness.
He said I've never truly beenpresent with anyone in my entire
life.
And he said I suffer with this.
Can you help me?
We meet on a Tuesday around 11am at a cafe and he said my
(11:11):
parents used to fight a lot andthe grounding in the house just
disappeared and my brothers andI just felt a lack of stability.
I was the oldest one, so Iwould look at them and I started
to say let's go play basketball, let me help you with your
homework.
I became the fixer and thesaver.
My whole life is now defined bythis.
He married someone who is nowdivorcing, who is dependent on
(11:33):
him.
He needs to be the one to keepeverything moving in a smooth
way.
He's got a job 500 peoplereport to him.
He's the COO, so he's verysuccessful because of this, but
he's never fully there, becausethe moment, even on vacation,
the moment that everyone's goodand everything's fine, his mind
(11:54):
and body say what's next?
He can't be there.
He has five kids.
Why does he have five kids?
Because he needs to always beso needed and to be in this life
where he's keeping all theballs from dropping, dropping.
Yeah, so he's telling me this.
I said, chuck, I got it Stop.
(12:15):
And he said even now, marcy,I'm not here.
So I said you see the man overthere.
So there was a man sitting atthe table near us.
I said look at this man.
Looks at the man for threeseconds and turns back and says,
marcy, how could he be here at11 am on a Tuesday?
What a schlump.
He's not doing his job.
He's supposed to be doing thesethings.
(12:35):
He's an undependable person.
He should be at work.
So that's how he learned toshow up.
So he's judging everybody inthis harsh world, and the world
is an ugly place where he can'tdepend on people.
So I said, chuck, keep looking.
So he turned back and he lookedtoward the man and this time
(12:58):
with a little more grace, alittle more acceptance, a little
more inquisitiveness and youcould see his breath had shifted
and his body settled just alittle bit.
But he really only gave itanother 10 seconds and he turns
back toward me and he said theman's not looking at the person
he's with.
He's staring at his phone Maybethere's something going on.
(13:20):
And she's staring at her phoneMaybe they're both.
So I said, okay, keep looking.
And then you could see hiswhole body almost fall into his
chair with some heaviness.
He said in a totally differenttone now he says Marcy.
He said the man is sad and I'msad and he said I think there's
(13:52):
something wrong.
And he said maybe that's hisdaughter.
So now he's thinking aboutrelatedness.
Right, my, my eyes are tearing.
Now.
Maybe the mother's in thehospital and they're trying to
help her and visiting hoursstart at noon.
So he's here, but he's onlygoing to be here now for another
20 minutes before he goes andhelps his wife and I really hope
(14:14):
she's doing okay.
And then he looks at me againand there's tears coming down
and you've got to recognizeChuck, big, big guy.
You don't expect this man toshow emotion.
So I said, chuck, what justhappened?
And it turns out it's exactlywhat's in the book.
He went from a version ofbarely there into noticing and
(14:42):
then tuning in.
So he moved from just being anego-driven self to being in a
situation member role.
He was presencing with thatperson, noticing and tuning in.
And then he started to feelwith and enact care and he said
(15:03):
to me, marcy, do you think itwould be okay if I give him a
hug?
So I said, if you approach himwith something like I'm noticing
that there's something sadgoing on and I just want to let
you know I'm here and I'msupporting you, and would you
like a hug?
So he switched, he went from hishead to his heart mode.
The heart mode is a label thatthe head of the Stanford Center
(15:27):
of Compassion and AltruismResearch uses.
His name is Jim Doty, heliterally happens to be a
neurosurgeon and I believe nowhe's also the head of the Dalai
Lama Foundation.
He talks about heart mode.
What's going on is you'vecalmed your body and you're
moving from human doing back tohuman being.
(15:50):
You're moving out of get itdone, have it, buy it mode or
judge it mode into aninterconnected being mode.
And this is when Claude on thesubway, you'll know.
Claude (16:08):
You'll know with the touch what they're feeling,
clear.
But don't you think that theguy Chuck actually reflected
what he felt to this guyprojection of his own feeling as
well, because maybe the guythat was on his phone was just
on his day off but it was areflection of him, chuck,
needing to always help everybodyon this guy that he's?
Marcy Axelrod (16:32):
supposed to help.
Yes to all of that.
That may have been what's goingon and it doesn't really matter
, because what is that?
He went from a low level tojust showing up barely there
sort of person who never feelshe's in the moment, who never
feels he's presencing becausehe's nervous.
He went from defaulting tosleepwalking through life plays
(16:59):
into a place where he was trulywith someone.
He might have been totallywrong, but he felt what the
other person was feeling Empathy.
It's empathy moving intocompassion.
So the difference there,empathy is I'm feeling you, but
you're you and I'm me.
That brings your own systemonline in a much deeper way,
(17:20):
such that you enact care.
The continuum doesn't stop withfeeling, with it's notice.
Tune in feel with enact care.
That's when people show up tohelp those in need.
Jess (17:34):
I think that example was really helpful because it did go
from somebody trying to solve aproblem too right, like, not
only did he put himself in thisother person's persona, but he
didn't go to like walk overthere and be like how can I help
you, it was just the care andcompassion that's.
So.
Bringing it back to work,besties can try and provide
examples for all of our workbesties.
(17:55):
Who's walking into a meetingand you see that one person that
you're like, oh crap, thismeeting is going to go sideways,
um, and maybe there's a way toreflect what you just provided
and to find the compassion forthat we need to move from the
spotlight thing, where you missthe truth of the world, into the
bigger sense of where does thisfit in the meeting now, versus
(18:21):
what our group needs to do next?
Marcy Axelrod (18:22):
The chucks.
So it's a practice.
You just look at them and youlet yourself reset, and if
you're in a judging mode andwords show up, you just let them
go, and what will most likelystart to happen is some
information is gonna come upthat has an emotional charge
(18:44):
with it, where the personbecomes a human again, not a
pain in the ass, and if theperson continues to show up, the
people around us continue tojust show up.
First of all, give it permission.
It's the evolutionary stagethey're in, or it's the moment
they're in, and it's okaybecause we get to choose how we
(19:06):
show up and over time they'llchoose how they show up and if
they come at us treating us asyou know, we're just the
analysis person who has to getthe spreadsheet done let it
happen, because right thensomething's going to shift,
(19:31):
because the way you receive themwill be with truly show up
energy and they might just barksomething at you and say let's
sit down and get started, right,but they're going to feel you
and something in them is goingto shift.
And it might be a month ofmeetings every Tuesday and
Thursday at 9 am before theyactually interact in a way that
(19:53):
shows that.
But you've already changed that.
This is a huge point of showingup you never leave anyone
around you untouched.
Jess (20:04):
It's impossible.
Okay, what do you mean by that?
How do you, when you say youdon't leave them untouched?
Marcy Axelrod (20:12):
With your countenance, your energy, your
level of stress or calm.
Okay, because you're respondingto me and I'm responding to you
.
So part of the model says that.
It explains that we andeverything out there are in
three roles there's a situation,there's a self role.
(20:35):
There's a situation member role, meaning we are co-creating
what's going on.
You are perceiving me, I amperceiving you.
Right, the chemistry of yourbody, as I mentioned, is
shifting.
What you're doing, how you'resitting, whether you're smiling,
when you're blinking, every somuch of what's going on right
(20:58):
now for you is because of me.
I am your environment and youare mine.
And it might be a subconsciousthing, because not everyone's
able to quiet their mind andreflect.
Wow, you know, I felt somethinga little different with Jess
and Claude today.
They aren't going to stopnecessarily, you know.
Let me take out my journal andpush the meeting off, like it's
(21:19):
not right.
That may not happen.
I'm not feeling this meetingthat may not happen, not feeling
this meeting can we just cancelit?
Jess (21:30):
realization that is unworded, it is beneath words,
which is what you want, whichactually, marcy, you do bring up
a good point, like although wejust joked about it there have
been meetings where you can tell, you can sense, you feel
somebody is um, perhaps not inthis state to be collaborative
or to be receptive.
And there have been times whereI know I've been in some
(21:52):
meetings where myself orsomebody else has stopped it and
said I think we should meet atother times.
I think you're right.
There are ways when you, whensomebody else shows up and yes,
they are just showing up, butnot in the way that's going to
work for how you want to justshow up, that it is okay.
Marcy Axelrod (22:10):
So after, after this discussion everyone you see
, you're going to notice, wow,that person's truly showing up.
They're just showing up, theystart to notice it everywhere.
It takes the judgment outbecause you relate to them with
(22:31):
an open-hearted permission.
So the continuum is apermission system.
Everyone gets to show up forwho and how they are, and most
of us are just the livingresults of what happened in our
childhood homes, right?
Or that big seminal experiencethat happened when we were 18,
(22:54):
or, unfortunately, the tragicevent that happened recently,
right, that's what shows up inour skin through us.
So it hopefully opens us up toperceive each other with a
little more love, even if youreally, really, really dislike
what someone's doing.
Jess (23:11):
Marcy, bring up a good example.
Let's say you're a leader of ateam and you just had a bad day,
and your team has felt that youhad a bad day.
What would be yourrecommendation for the next step
?
Do you go back the next day andown up to it and try and show
up then?
Marcy Axelrod (23:29):
Yeah.
So truly showing up isleadership.
So repair must be done.
Repair is essential.
So if the best you had at somepoint was not good, right, and
you mistreated someone, at thesoonest possible time you say
like, wow, I really just messedup and I wasn't thoughtful about
(23:52):
you and what you're goingthrough and what you need to do.
You know what's a better wayfor us to get this done.
So repair is essential becauseunprocessed things, processed
things live in us and they takeaway from our health, from our
joy, from the depth of ourrelationships.
(24:14):
Makes sense.
So it's never too late.
You're impacting everyone inevery moment, and so are they.
So your avarice, your disrespect, whatever it might've been, now
it's in them and they'reexactly, and then they can
reciprocate to someone else it'snever too late because once
(24:36):
it's done, like, like the itdidn't end it, it it never ended
, the person didn't move becauseit impacted them and it's in
that so we're seeing from a workperspective.
Jess (24:45):
There are so many meetings that we're in where you can
tell the people that are trulyshowing up and there, but then
there's other let's call thembarely there.
What would you and then maybeeven themselves are sitting in
the meetings, because I'veactually been in meetings with,
sometimes where I'm not the oneshowing up, I'm just barely
there and I even think to myselfwas I, was I really in this,
Like what?
What was the point?
(25:05):
What's your best advice tosomeone?
And when you catch yourself inthat moment, what would you do
differently?
Marcy Axelrod (25:13):
And you feel the other humans in the room, you
re-humanize everybody.
It isn't the business partnerguy, the supply chain guy.
You feel the people as fellowhuman beings.
They are impacting you.
Honor that Right and you areimpacting them Right.
So honor that truth about howhumans are designed to exist.
(25:35):
We are intertwined.
So my advice is to recognize ifyou don't choose how you show up
.
Unfortunately, our default isto a level two, which is a just
showing up, and once again whatI mentioned, your focus is going
a level two, which is a justshowing up, and once again what
I mentioned, your focus is goingto be a narrow thing and it's
going to go.
You aren't really there, youdon't get deep on anything.
(26:00):
No new ideas are going to showup, no real contributions to the
agenda of the meeting are goingto show up, and then you're
going to look back and feeldisappointed.
So you've got to reset yourself.
What you can do is choose oneperson at the table and just
your body will soften.
The most recent research I didwas with about a thousand global
(26:22):
executives at a company thatyou've well heard of in the
hospitality space, and what thesurvey said about 80% of the
women said I cannot be true tomyself at work.
I'm always in performance mode.
I'm afraid to share my ideas,I'm afraid I'm speaking out too
(26:42):
much, I'm afraid I don't speakout enough, I'm afraid I'm being
judged.
So fear shows up, and what thatmeans is that there's a lack of
emotional safety in theworkplace.
What do you do?
And there's two answers, becausethere's a bottom up.
(27:03):
What can each person do, whichis you truly show up and use
more words around?
You know, I feel that Ask morequestions.
That is huge.
What do you think would happenif so, instead of sharing your
thoughts, it's you know whatwould happen if this, or has
(27:25):
anyone explored that and sharemore of how you feel Like I'm
starting to feel that the pathof our decisions so far may not
really achieve what we'relooking for.
What other people think?
Are you sensing it too?
So bring more emotionally richwords in no-transcript.
Jess (28:16):
That makes sense.
So, marcy, you've shared a lotwith us today.
If the listeners could takejust one idea from today's
episodes, which one do you feelthey should take, and you hope
it really takes impact?
Marcy Axelrod (28:29):
Yeah, choose.
Most people don't actuallychoose, they default choose,
they just kind of keep going.
I have to get this done, I haveto get this done, I'm doing
this, I'm doing this.
They don't pause and askthemselves how am I really
choosing to show up right nowand ask themselves how am I
really choosing to show up rightnow and then think about?
(28:50):
How are they perceiving ofothers around them?
How are they relating to thework they need to do?
Because that just get it donemode also relates to the work.
So choose and by choose what Imean, it's use both systems of
attention, not just the narrowone, but what's the big picture,
(29:11):
what's the meaning in what I'mdoing?
Why am I doing this?
It's oh, because it's a smallpart of helping this group or
provide right.
It brings the meaning back.
So when I say choose right, itbrings the meaning back.
So when I say choose, I'mreally talking about expanding
(29:32):
your, your, your perceiving ofwhat you're doing and how you're
doing it, marcy, how can ourlisteners find and follow you so
choosetoshowupcom is thewebsite and the book Amazon how
we Choose to Show Up.
Is the website and the bookAmazon how we Choose to Show Up.
It recently won two Indie Book.
Claude (29:53):
Awards.
It also won the Hayakawa Book.
Marcy Axelrod (29:54):
Prize and it's a pretty cool.
Jess (29:58):
That's so awesome.
So this conversation has beenamazing.
It's been definitely amasterclass in what it means to
live with intention and justtruly how to show up, and, as we
talked about that, it's notnecessarily something that
anyone can't do on their own,but also to just constantly be
challenging yourself on that,and it's okay to take steps back
(30:20):
and just reflect on it.
But before we let you go, we'dlove to ask one more question
that our listeners were curiousabout.
What's that one thing you wishevery work bestie knew about?
How to help each other trulyshow up, especially on those
really hard days.
Marcy Axelrod (30:37):
Yeah, so when you truly show up to your work,
bestie, you're going to betotally in receiving mode and
you're going to feel them andyou're just going to help them
feel felt.
That's massive.
Jess (30:57):
Thank you, marcy, we so enjoyed having you and work
besties.
Claude (31:01):
I hope you enjoyed this episode as much as we did.
We learned a lot.
Thank you so much, marcy, anddo not forget to follow us,
subscribe and like the episode.
Thank you all.
See you next week.
Jess (31:15):
Remember whether you're swapping snacks in the break
room, rescuing each other fromendless meetings or just sending
that perfectly timed meme.
Having a work bestie is likehaving your own personal hype
squad.
Claude (31:28):
So keep lifting each other, laughing through the
chaos and, of course, thriving.
Until next time, stay positive,stay productive and don't
forget to keep supporting eachother.
Work besties.
Most people don't actually choose.
They default to choose.
Claude (00:03):
Hi, I'm Claude and I'm Jess.
We are corporate employees byday, entrepreneurs by night and
work besties for life.
Jess (00:11):
Join us as we explore how work besties lift each other up,
laugh through the chaos andthrive together in every
industry.
Work besties, so your messageis so powerful.
You talk about being the showup person.
What does that actually mean,Marcy?
Marcy Axelrod (00:30):
What it means is that I succumbed to how the
world works today and I labeledmyself.
That's what it means and it's awe have to live in the, in the
duality of being who we want tobe, while also recognizing that
for today's world, you need tobrand yourself.
So when I call myself the showup person, what I'm doing is I'm
(00:50):
letting people know right here,right now, there's a message
about how nature designed humansto show up and that's what I'm
offering.
So how do you, do you show up?
I very much try to live.
What I actually believe abouthow the world works and what I
believe, claude, is that we areall very fundamentally
(01:15):
integrated.
On my TED Talk I explain we areall leaves on the same tree,
right?
Peoples across time have knownthis.
There's this great quote fromChief Seattle going back
hundreds of years we are not theweb of life, we are a string
within it.
Whatever happens to oneindividual piece happens to the
(01:35):
whole.
Indigenous traditions have alsoknown this.
It's the kind of root ofBuddhism, a lot of Eastern
contemplative practices as well.
My book has the science tosupport this.
I'm going to give an example.
In our limbic system, ouremotional system, dacher Keltner
, a professor of psychology andthe head of the Greater Good
(01:57):
Science Center at the Universityof Berkeley did a study that
showed that if you literallyjust touch the forearm of a
stranger who you can't even seethe person's behind a curtain
with a one second touch, youknow what they're feeling.
The likelihood of guessingwrong in this study was below 8%
(02:21):
.
People got it right I meanright on to the word almost 70%
of the time.
And I don't mean just happy,sad, mad, glad, right, I mean
nostalgic.
Look at the connectedness that'spresent in our daily lives,
right, you're feeling what I'mfeeling right now, jess.
(02:42):
Literally, the chemistry ofyour body is shifting because of
what I'm saying, how I'm sayingit, what the ideas are, chances
are your cortisol is down,right, because I'm speaking with
a lot of care and a lot ofdepth.
Maybe your dopamine's up, youroxytocin, which is the
(03:07):
connectedness or love hormone,that's probably up.
So, literally, the chemistry ofyour body is changing because
of me and I am changing becauseof you.
So your question, claude, washow do I show up?
I very much try to show up inthe truth of how nature designed
us, which is that we areinterconnected beings and that
(03:32):
we are impacting each other atevery moment.
Claude (03:36):
I have a question.
So you're from that study.
You're telling me that if I'min the subway, if I touch
someone on their forearm, I cansee how they feel.
Marcy Axelrod (03:46):
You're going to feel how they feel.
Jess (03:49):
I feel I do, I'll try it Now.
Marcy Axelrod (03:53):
let me explain why.
Claude (03:56):
I mean we're all stuck to each other.
Marcy Axelrod (03:59):
Let me explain.
When you're not going to get it, when you're not receptive Okay
Cool.
You're not receptive if you arerushed, if you are stressed, if
you are preoccupied.
Claude (04:14):
Are you All right?
Jess (04:16):
So you're mostly preoccupied or stressed.
Marcy Axelrod (04:18):
If you're uncomfortable, oh, maybe you
really have to pee.
Maybe you didn't have yourcoffee, maybe you had too much
coffee.
Are you starting to see apattern here?
Need to be like your head to beclear.
Let's talk about the levelswhen you're in just showing up.
Let me talk about what justshowing up is, because what it
does is it disconnects us.
(04:38):
A large portion of us feeldisconnected from each other.
We have a loneliness epidemic.
I call it a show-up crisis.
Okay, there's a reason that inthe UK, the government created a
Department of Loneliness.
That's going on in America too.
Right?
Vivek Murthy, who was our 19thand 21st Surgeon General, wrote
(04:59):
one book.
The book is called Together.
It's about our lonelinessepidemic.
This stems from our notrecognizing that we all evolved
from the earth and we are allnot on the earth.
We are of the earth, right,just like an apple tree, apples,
the earth peep.
(05:20):
We've lost a sense of being one.
With the more that's out there,including each other, that
creates a massive stressorinside.
There's, in essence, a turningup of the dial of our threat
system.
When we feel even the mostminor threat, your faces or the
(05:44):
face of a stranger, even if it'ssmiling, will be perceived by
me as a threat.
That colleague doesn't like me,or you walk into a meeting and
it's like my God.
You know Joe over there.
He's always thinking that Idon't really have anything to
(06:04):
add to the party, you know, andwe perceive what's not there.
We perceive threat because oursystem is protecting ourselves.
Once you feel a lack ofconnection with each other, with
the earth, with the people mostimportant to us, we start to
(06:29):
basically malfunction as humansbecause we're not designed to
live the way that we live.
Claude (06:35):
How do you stop this vicious?
Marcy Axelrod (06:38):
circle.
You need to reset your body andyour nervous system to one of
open perceiving.
We're actually not perceivingof what's really going on and
this is how, unfortunately, ouryears go by and when we stop and
think what's most important tous, we kind of know, but we're
(06:58):
not living that.
So we live in just showing upwhen we really want to live in
truly showing up.
Jess (07:07):
Marcia, since we're a podcast about work besties, a
lot of the questions that ourcommunity ask us about is
showing up and being your moreauthentic self at work.
Level one is barely there, butlevel two is just showing up and
level three is truly showing up.
How do you get to really trulyshow up?
Marcy Axelrod (07:23):
Start with resetting your body, close your
eyes, re-embodying yourself.
Breath is a great way and it'sslow breaths.
I like the four in the four outIn for four, hold for four, out
for four, hold, hold, hold forfour and do it for a series of
minutes.
Anything that switches you intoyour sensing system.
(07:46):
We're only doing one of threethings at any moment.
We are focused on something,our mind is wandering or we're
sensing, and sensing can be whatyou're touching.
It can be oh my God, that tag'sbothering me.
It can be I'm hot, but thepoint is you're in your body and
(08:06):
when you're in your body you'rein stress.
So what I mentioned at the endof my 10 talks that I've gotten
really good feedback about istracing a three on your palm.
You can trace anything.
You can trace a heart.
I mentioned a three for levelthree truly showing up.
You do it slowly, give it agood minute.
What starts to happen is you'reperceiving of those exquisite
(08:31):
receptors in your palm.
Start to brighten and they showup for you more and more and
you'll feel your palm in a wayyou never felt.
It's like wow, like I neverfelt that, like certain spot
over here, a spot over here.
What happens is you'reperceiving of your body.
(08:56):
So those are two things.
The last chapter of my book hasa very highly regarded,
clinically proven meditationcalled the Wheel of Awareness by
Dr Dan Siegel.
I consider him to be thecreator of a whole field of
medicine called interpersonalneurobiology.
(09:17):
I will mention one of thethings in his meditation that
differs from others.
Once you've gone through a verydeep body scan, which is
feeling each part of your bodyas you breathe, what you do is
you think about someone.
And as you think about thatperson and it can be someone you
(09:38):
want to feel more warmth toward.
It can be someone you love.
It can be someone you're havingan issue with.
It can be your boss.
Before a meeting, right,picture that person and, with
all the warmth and love foryourself that you've just
focused on, send it slowly in anarc to them and then feel them
(10:04):
receiving it.
But it doesn't stop therebecause once they receive it,
you sit with that and thenafterwards you feel the
generosity of that person,sharing all that love, together
with theirs, back into you andyou receive it.
So to a certain extent this islike the loving kindness
(10:25):
meditation that's very much beenchosen to literally
revolutionize people's lives.
Two months ago I saw an oldergentleman with an infant and we
chatted for just a few secondsand it was just so loving and I
shared with the man how lovingit was that I saw how he held
(10:46):
this child, who I later learnedwas his granddaughter.
Three or four days later I geta message.
She found me and he said Marcy,I can't get out of my mind how
you felt my connectedness.
He said I've never truly beenpresent with anyone in my entire
life.
And he said I suffer with this.
Can you help me?
We meet on a Tuesday around 11am at a cafe and he said my
(11:11):
parents used to fight a lot andthe grounding in the house just
disappeared and my brothers andI just felt a lack of stability.
I was the oldest one, so Iwould look at them and I started
to say let's go play basketball, let me help you with your
homework.
I became the fixer and thesaver.
My whole life is now defined bythis.
He married someone who is nowdivorcing, who is dependent on
(11:33):
him.
He needs to be the one to keepeverything moving in a smooth
way.
He's got a job 500 peoplereport to him.
He's the COO, so he's verysuccessful because of this, but
he's never fully there, becausethe moment, even on vacation,
the moment that everyone's goodand everything's fine, his mind
(11:54):
and body say what's next?
He can't be there.
He has five kids.
Why does he have five kids?
Because he needs to always beso needed and to be in this life
where he's keeping all theballs from dropping, dropping.
Yeah, so he's telling me this.
I said, chuck, I got it Stop.
(12:15):
And he said even now, marcy,I'm not here.
So I said you see the man overthere.
So there was a man sitting atthe table near us.
I said look at this man.
Looks at the man for threeseconds and turns back and says,
marcy, how could he be here at11 am on a Tuesday?
What a schlump.
He's not doing his job.
He's supposed to be doing thesethings.
(12:35):
He's an undependable person.
He should be at work.
So that's how he learned toshow up.
So he's judging everybody inthis harsh world, and the world
is an ugly place where he can'tdepend on people.
So I said, chuck, keep looking.
So he turned back and he lookedtoward the man and this time
(12:58):
with a little more grace, alittle more acceptance, a little
more inquisitiveness and youcould see his breath had shifted
and his body settled just alittle bit.
But he really only gave itanother 10 seconds and he turns
back toward me and he said theman's not looking at the person
he's with.
He's staring at his phone Maybethere's something going on.
(13:20):
And she's staring at her phoneMaybe they're both.
So I said, okay, keep looking.
And then you could see hiswhole body almost fall into his
chair with some heaviness.
He said in a totally differenttone now he says Marcy.
He said the man is sad and I'msad and he said I think there's
(13:52):
something wrong.
And he said maybe that's hisdaughter.
So now he's thinking aboutrelatedness.
Right, my, my eyes are tearing.
Now.
Maybe the mother's in thehospital and they're trying to
help her and visiting hoursstart at noon.
So he's here, but he's onlygoing to be here now for another
20 minutes before he goes andhelps his wife and I really hope
(14:14):
she's doing okay.
And then he looks at me againand there's tears coming down
and you've got to recognizeChuck, big, big guy.
You don't expect this man toshow emotion.
So I said, chuck, what justhappened?
And it turns out it's exactlywhat's in the book.
He went from a version ofbarely there into noticing and
(14:42):
then tuning in.
So he moved from just being anego-driven self to being in a
situation member role.
He was presencing with thatperson, noticing and tuning in.
And then he started to feelwith and enact care and he said
(15:03):
to me, marcy, do you think itwould be okay if I give him a
hug?
So I said, if you approach himwith something like I'm noticing
that there's something sadgoing on and I just want to let
you know I'm here and I'msupporting you, and would you
like a hug?
So he switched, he went from hishead to his heart mode.
The heart mode is a label thatthe head of the Stanford Center
(15:27):
of Compassion and AltruismResearch uses.
His name is Jim Doty, heliterally happens to be a
neurosurgeon and I believe nowhe's also the head of the Dalai
Lama Foundation.
He talks about heart mode.
What's going on is you'vecalmed your body and you're
moving from human doing back tohuman being.
(15:50):
You're moving out of get itdone, have it, buy it mode or
judge it mode into aninterconnected being mode.
And this is when Claude on thesubway, you'll know.
Claude (16:08):
You'll know with the touch what they're feeling,
clear.
But don't you think that theguy Chuck actually reflected
what he felt to this guyprojection of his own feeling as
well, because maybe the guythat was on his phone was just
on his day off but it was areflection of him, chuck,
needing to always help everybodyon this guy that he's?
Marcy Axelrod (16:32):
supposed to help.
Yes to all of that.
That may have been what's goingon and it doesn't really matter
, because what is that?
He went from a low level tojust showing up barely there
sort of person who never feelshe's in the moment, who never
feels he's presencing becausehe's nervous.
He went from defaulting tosleepwalking through life plays
(16:59):
into a place where he was trulywith someone.
He might have been totallywrong, but he felt what the
other person was feeling Empathy.
It's empathy moving intocompassion.
So the difference there,empathy is I'm feeling you, but
you're you and I'm me.
That brings your own systemonline in a much deeper way,
(17:20):
such that you enact care.
The continuum doesn't stop withfeeling, with it's notice.
Tune in feel with enact care.
That's when people show up tohelp those in need.
Jess (17:34):
I think that example was really helpful because it did go
from somebody trying to solve aproblem too right, like, not
only did he put himself in thisother person's persona, but he
didn't go to like walk overthere and be like how can I help
you, it was just the care andcompassion that's.
So.
Bringing it back to work,besties can try and provide
examples for all of our workbesties.
(17:55):
Who's walking into a meetingand you see that one person that
you're like, oh crap, thismeeting is going to go sideways,
um, and maybe there's a way toreflect what you just provided
and to find the compassion forthat we need to move from the
spotlight thing, where you missthe truth of the world, into the
bigger sense of where does thisfit in the meeting now, versus
(18:21):
what our group needs to do next?
Marcy Axelrod (18:22):
The chucks.
So it's a practice.
You just look at them and youlet yourself reset, and if
you're in a judging mode andwords show up, you just let them
go, and what will most likelystart to happen is some
information is gonna come upthat has an emotional charge
(18:44):
with it, where the personbecomes a human again, not a
pain in the ass, and if theperson continues to show up, the
people around us continue tojust show up.
First of all, give it permission.
It's the evolutionary stagethey're in, or it's the moment
they're in, and it's okaybecause we get to choose how we
(19:06):
show up and over time they'llchoose how they show up and if
they come at us treating us asyou know, we're just the
analysis person who has to getthe spreadsheet done let it
happen, because right thensomething's going to shift,
(19:31):
because the way you receive themwill be with truly show up
energy and they might just barksomething at you and say let's
sit down and get started, right,but they're going to feel you
and something in them is goingto shift.
And it might be a month ofmeetings every Tuesday and
Thursday at 9 am before theyactually interact in a way that
(19:53):
shows that.
But you've already changed that.
This is a huge point of showingup you never leave anyone
around you untouched.
Jess (20:04):
It's impossible.
Okay, what do you mean by that?
How do you, when you say youdon't leave them untouched?
Marcy Axelrod (20:12):
With your countenance, your energy, your
level of stress or calm.
Okay, because you're respondingto me and I'm responding to you
.
So part of the model says that.
It explains that we andeverything out there are in
three roles there's a situation,there's a self role.
(20:35):
There's a situation member role, meaning we are co-creating
what's going on.
You are perceiving me, I amperceiving you.
Right, the chemistry of yourbody, as I mentioned, is
shifting.
What you're doing, how you'resitting, whether you're smiling,
when you're blinking, every somuch of what's going on right
(20:58):
now for you is because of me.
I am your environment and youare mine.
And it might be a subconsciousthing, because not everyone's
able to quiet their mind andreflect.
Wow, you know, I felt somethinga little different with Jess
and Claude today.
They aren't going to stopnecessarily, you know.
Let me take out my journal andpush the meeting off, like it's
(21:19):
not right.
That may not happen.
I'm not feeling this meetingthat may not happen, not feeling
this meeting can we just cancelit?
Jess (21:30):
realization that is unworded, it is beneath words,
which is what you want, whichactually, marcy, you do bring up
a good point, like although wejust joked about it there have
been meetings where you can tell, you can sense, you feel
somebody is um, perhaps not inthis state to be collaborative
or to be receptive.
And there have been times whereI know I've been in some
(21:52):
meetings where myself orsomebody else has stopped it and
said I think we should meet atother times.
I think you're right.
There are ways when you, whensomebody else shows up and yes,
they are just showing up, butnot in the way that's going to
work for how you want to justshow up, that it is okay.
Marcy Axelrod (22:10):
So after, after this discussion everyone you see
, you're going to notice, wow,that person's truly showing up.
They're just showing up, theystart to notice it everywhere.
It takes the judgment outbecause you relate to them with
(22:31):
an open-hearted permission.
So the continuum is apermission system.
Everyone gets to show up forwho and how they are, and most
of us are just the livingresults of what happened in our
childhood homes, right?
Or that big seminal experiencethat happened when we were 18,
(22:54):
or, unfortunately, the tragicevent that happened recently,
right, that's what shows up inour skin through us.
So it hopefully opens us up toperceive each other with a
little more love, even if youreally, really, really dislike
what someone's doing.
Jess (23:11):
Marcy, bring up a good example.
Let's say you're a leader of ateam and you just had a bad day,
and your team has felt that youhad a bad day.
What would be yourrecommendation for the next step
?
Do you go back the next day andown up to it and try and show
up then?
Marcy Axelrod (23:29):
Yeah.
So truly showing up isleadership.
So repair must be done.
Repair is essential.
So if the best you had at somepoint was not good, right, and
you mistreated someone, at thesoonest possible time you say
like, wow, I really just messedup and I wasn't thoughtful about
(23:52):
you and what you're goingthrough and what you need to do.
You know what's a better wayfor us to get this done.
So repair is essential becauseunprocessed things, processed
things live in us and they takeaway from our health, from our
joy, from the depth of ourrelationships.
(24:14):
Makes sense.
So it's never too late.
You're impacting everyone inevery moment, and so are they.
So your avarice, your disrespect, whatever it might've been, now
it's in them and they'reexactly, and then they can
reciprocate to someone else it'snever too late because once
(24:36):
it's done, like, like the itdidn't end it, it it never ended
, the person didn't move becauseit impacted them and it's in
that so we're seeing from a workperspective.
Jess (24:45):
There are so many meetings that we're in where you can
tell the people that are trulyshowing up and there, but then
there's other let's call thembarely there.
What would you and then maybeeven themselves are sitting in
the meetings, because I'veactually been in meetings with,
sometimes where I'm not the oneshowing up, I'm just barely
there and I even think to myselfwas I, was I really in this,
Like what?
What was the point?
(25:05):
What's your best advice tosomeone?
And when you catch yourself inthat moment, what would you do
differently?
Marcy Axelrod (25:13):
And you feel the other humans in the room, you
re-humanize everybody.
It isn't the business partnerguy, the supply chain guy.
You feel the people as fellowhuman beings.
They are impacting you.
Honor that Right and you areimpacting them Right.
So honor that truth about howhumans are designed to exist.
(25:35):
We are intertwined.
So my advice is to recognize ifyou don't choose how you show up
.
Unfortunately, our default isto a level two, which is a just
showing up, and once again whatI mentioned, your focus is going
a level two, which is a justshowing up, and once again what
I mentioned, your focus is goingto be a narrow thing and it's
going to go.
You aren't really there, youdon't get deep on anything.
(26:00):
No new ideas are going to showup, no real contributions to the
agenda of the meeting are goingto show up, and then you're
going to look back and feeldisappointed.
So you've got to reset yourself.
What you can do is choose oneperson at the table and just
your body will soften.
The most recent research I didwas with about a thousand global
(26:22):
executives at a company thatyou've well heard of in the
hospitality space, and what thesurvey said about 80% of the
women said I cannot be true tomyself at work.
I'm always in performance mode.
I'm afraid to share my ideas,I'm afraid I'm speaking out too
(26:42):
much, I'm afraid I don't speakout enough, I'm afraid I'm being
judged.
So fear shows up, and what thatmeans is that there's a lack of
emotional safety in theworkplace.
What do you do?
And there's two answers, becausethere's a bottom up.
(27:03):
What can each person do, whichis you truly show up and use
more words around?
You know, I feel that Ask morequestions.
That is huge.
What do you think would happenif so, instead of sharing your
thoughts, it's you know whatwould happen if this, or has
(27:25):
anyone explored that and sharemore of how you feel Like I'm
starting to feel that the pathof our decisions so far may not
really achieve what we'relooking for.
What other people think?
Are you sensing it too?
So bring more emotionally richwords in no-transcript.
Jess (28:16):
That makes sense.
So, marcy, you've shared a lotwith us today.
If the listeners could takejust one idea from today's
episodes, which one do you feelthey should take, and you hope
it really takes impact?
Marcy Axelrod (28:29):
Yeah, choose.
Most people don't actuallychoose, they default choose,
they just kind of keep going.
I have to get this done, I haveto get this done, I'm doing
this, I'm doing this.
They don't pause and askthemselves how am I really
choosing to show up right nowand ask themselves how am I
really choosing to show up rightnow and then think about?
(28:50):
How are they perceiving ofothers around them?
How are they relating to thework they need to do?
Because that just get it donemode also relates to the work.
So choose and by choose what Imean, it's use both systems of
attention, not just the narrowone, but what's the big picture,
(29:11):
what's the meaning in what I'mdoing?
Why am I doing this?
It's oh, because it's a smallpart of helping this group or
provide right.
It brings the meaning back.
So when I say choose right, itbrings the meaning back.
So when I say choose, I'mreally talking about expanding
(29:32):
your, your, your perceiving ofwhat you're doing and how you're
doing it, marcy, how can ourlisteners find and follow you so
choosetoshowupcom is thewebsite and the book Amazon how
we Choose to Show Up.
Is the website and the bookAmazon how we Choose to Show Up.
It recently won two Indie Book.
Claude (29:53):
Awards.
It also won the Hayakawa Book.
Marcy Axelrod (29:54):
Prize and it's a pretty cool.
Jess (29:58):
That's so awesome.
So this conversation has beenamazing.
It's been definitely amasterclass in what it means to
live with intention and justtruly how to show up, and, as we
talked about that, it's notnecessarily something that
anyone can't do on their own,but also to just constantly be
challenging yourself on that,and it's okay to take steps back
(30:20):
and just reflect on it.
But before we let you go, we'dlove to ask one more question
that our listeners were curiousabout.
What's that one thing you wishevery work bestie knew about?
How to help each other trulyshow up, especially on those
really hard days.
Marcy Axelrod (30:37):
Yeah, so when you truly show up to your work,
bestie, you're going to betotally in receiving mode and
you're going to feel them andyou're just going to help them
feel felt.
That's massive.
Jess (30:57):
Thank you, marcy, we so enjoyed having you and work
besties.
Claude (31:01):
I hope you enjoyed this episode as much as we did.
We learned a lot.
Thank you so much, marcy, anddo not forget to follow us,
subscribe and like the episode.
Thank you all.
See you next week.
Jess (31:15):
Remember whether you're swapping snacks in the break
room, rescuing each other fromendless meetings or just sending
that perfectly timed meme.
Having a work bestie is likehaving your own personal hype
squad.
Claude (31:28):
So keep lifting each other, laughing through the
chaos and, of course, thriving.
Until next time, stay positive,stay productive and don't
forget to keep supporting eachother.
Work besties.
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