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Ever hit “Buy Now” when you're feeling stressed and then feel instant regret? In this episode, we explore why emotional spending happens and how your nervous system drives the urge to buy. Instead of shaming yourself for overspending, you’ll learn to understand what your body is really trying to communicate.
We dive into the difference between a dopamine hit and true regulation, and why buffering behaviors like shopping, overworking, or emotional eating keep us in the same patterns. You'll understand how to replace impulsive spending with intentional spending that aligns with your values, so money becomes a neutral tool, not a source of shame.
In this episode, we cover:
- Emotional spending as a nervous system signal
- Seeking dopamine vs. feeling feelings
- Buffering patterns like overspending, overworking and overeating
- Money as a tool, not an emotional fix
- The 24-hour pause to interrupt urgency
Other ways to connect with me:
Come learn with me in my monthly workshops
➡️ Join here
Grab your free Human Design chart
➡️ Schedule your free clarity call here
From my soul to yours,
Erin
Episode Transcript
Have you ever clicked the buy button to calm your
nerves or bought something justto feel a little relief?
I want you to know you're notthe only woman that might be
experiencing this.
In this episode, I'm going tobe diving into the reasons why
we emotionally spend, why ithappens, what your body is
(00:20):
actually trying to tell you.
And then I'm going to sharesome tools to help you support
yourself and soothe your nervoussystem so that you can replace
reaching for your credit card orthat buy now button on Amazon
with practices that trulynurture and regulate your
nervous system.
So let's dive in.
So let's talk about whyemotional spending happens.
(00:42):
I think we've all been there.
I think I used to do this withvacations.
I'm not really a clothes buyer,but I definitely have done this
with vacations.
So emotional, and some peopledo this, some women do this with
purses, some women do this withbuying clothes or shopping for
their kids.
So just like recognize wherethis might be or might resonate
(01:03):
with you.
It's okay.
And the biggest thing I wantyou to get out of this is the
awareness and then developingsome tools and some skill sets
to support you so that youaren't just emotionally
spending.
So emotional spending, it'sreally typically not really
about discipline.
It is really your nervoussystem is signaling to you some
(01:23):
type of either emotional need oryou're having some feelings
that you're not willing to feelright now.
So maybe you're feelingstressed or you're feeling
bored, or you're feeling sadnessor overwhelm or guilt.
Like it could be a culminationof any of these feelings.
Think about like you couldreplace overspending with
overeating or overwatching TV orsome people do porn or, you
(01:49):
know, like I was traveling tonot too much, but I was using
that as an escape.
So if you are having somefeelings, some uncomfortable
feelings in your body and you'renot willing to feel those,
we're going to want to, becausewe as biological beings, we want
to seek pleasure and avoidpain.
(02:09):
So if you are feeling some ofthose lower vibration emotions
and you want to escape those andyou don't want to feel them and
you aren't as practiced infeeling them, you're going to
want to seek some pleasure.
And if shopping is somethingthat gives you pleasure, then
you're going to want to do thatto avoid or to not feel.
(02:30):
So I think we always withanything, we either go towards a
feeling or we're trying to moveaway from a feeling.
So I say we shop for a feelingor we shop to avoid a feeling.
And so you have to really bevery clear on why I am shopping
right now.
You know, buying something, ifyou're doing it from an
(02:51):
emotional place, what I call notclean energy, meaning it wasn't
pre-planned purchase.
It isn't something that you'vebeen thinking about for some
time that you definitely feel inyour body you're trying to
avoid something, then what weare doing is we are shopping to,
you know, receive some type ofdopamine hit or some type of
(03:12):
relief.
And this this is a temporaryfix.
It feels good in the moment,but it doesn't really fix it
long term.
And so it doesn't reallyaddress these underlying
feelings that we are feeling.
So whether it be shopping,whether it be overworking, like
for me, I was an overworker,hoarded my money, or I would use
(03:33):
travel to escape.
So some people watch TV or theydrink.
It's all what my coach, one ofmy coaches used to call it is
buffering.
We are all choosing to dothings because we aren't willing
to feel the uncomfortableemotions that we are feeling in
our bodies at that time.
So we're avoiding a feeling.
And so the goal is to developother supportive practices that
(03:58):
will actually give you thedopamine hit in a healthier way.
And I want to say this it isnot to do that before you've
actually worked through thereasons why you're emotionally
spending.
Because I think if you justreplace like a healthier
dopamine hit with something thatyou, let's say, overspending or
(04:18):
emotionally spending, youreally aren't really getting
down to the root cause, right?
Like you're still trying to getthe dopamine hit, which
ultimately you're actually notfeeling your feelings.
So what this actually mightlook like is maybe you are
purchasing something after whatyou might feel in air quotes is
(04:38):
like, I've had a hard day, or Ideserve it, or I've worked
really hard for this, or maybeyou've been in an argument, or
maybe you've looked at yourbooks, or you just had a meeting
with your CPA and you'refeeling some of these
uncomfortable emotions, theselower vibration emotions.
And so you're trying to escapeand you're trying to feel a
little bit of a highervibration, which I mean, hello,
(05:02):
we all want to feel that, right?
But when we are wanting to feelthat higher vibration emotion,
like that dopamine and that joyand that fun, we aren't really
allowing ourselves to get to theroot cause and see, oh, I'm
feeling guilt because I amhaving a story around what my
numbers should be.
(05:22):
Oh, this is really about myworthiness.
Do you see how, like, when wejust go to the thing to fix us,
we don't give ourselves thespace, the time, the grace to
really get to the root of what'sactually going on here?
Because then we're gonna justcontinue and to repeat these
cycles.
So you might make a purchasebecause you feel, you know,
(05:46):
you're trying to avoid afeeling.
Then you might actually feelmore shame or more regret or
more guilt afterwards, becausenow you've spent more money and
then you feel it's just kind oflike if someone overeats, right?
Like, and I've done this too,you're not feeling good.
You go in the pantry, you eatsomething, in the moment it
gives you that quick dopaminehit.
But then afterwards, you'relike, oh man, I shouldn't have
(06:07):
done that.
Why did I do that?
And then like you pile on moreof those lower vibration
emotions.
And so if you are trying to buythings or you are buying things
to distract yourself, or evenif to celebrate, like sometimes
people, which I've done thistoo, you know, we're using money
to give us a feeling, like it'snot money's job to make us feel
(06:28):
anyway.
Like that's not that's notmoney's job.
That's our job.
And so if we're trying tocelebrate something, or we're
trying to distract ourselves, orwe're trying to self-soothe by
emotionally spending, we're notactually doing the work that we
need to be doing withinourselves.
So the deeper, if you thinkabout the deeper needs of
actually spending is you areseeking some sort of feeling.
(06:52):
So maybe you are trying toultimately feel safe, or maybe
you're trying to feel good aboutyourself, you know.
If you have a belief that, youknow, if my revenue isn't at X,
then I am X, you know, not agood person, doing it wrong,
whatever.
(07:12):
And then there's emotions likeshame and guilt attached to
that, then what you are wantingis you're wanting to feel
different, which this is normal.
This is part of the humanexperience, but we don't want to
do anything externally and itdoesn't work, right?
We can't do anything externallyto make us feel a certain way.
(07:33):
So we've got to pause.
We have to ask ourselves, whatam I trying to feel in this
moment?
Or first off, back up and ask,what am I actually feeling in
this moment?
I'm feeling guilt.
Why am I feeling guilt?
It's typically there's going tobe a thought there.
There's also many thoughts,there's going to be a belief
there.
And so recognizing what isthis, what is this belief system
that I have, because that'swhat you're wanting to
(07:55):
ultimately change.
So underneath this, if you areseeking some type of connection
or you're seeking some type ofcomfort or safety or
self-validation, that is all thethings that we need to be
giving to ourselves regardlessof whether we're purchasing or
not.
Right.
This is this is some of thatdeep inner work that I talk
(08:16):
about of like, this isn't whatwe do.
Like, money is never going tomake us feel this way.
Buying something is never goingto make us feel this way.
Eating something isn't evergoing to make us feel this way.
This is the stuff that we haveto do for ourselves because we
love ourselves, because we wantthe best for ourselves, because
we deserve to live the best lifethat we want.
(08:37):
We've got to give ourselvesthat comfort, that safety, that
connection, thatself-validation.
And so I always encourageclients and also you is to slow
down, to ask yourself, what am Ifeeling in this moment?
And recognizing what are thoseemotions.
And if you can pause, like Ilike to put a 24-hour spending
(08:58):
on my kid, because it makes herslow down.
Because when you are in thatemotional brain, when you are
just acting from a veryreactionary place, you're not
able to give yourself the timeand the space to kind of analyze
some things.
And I know I do talk aboutmaking purchases from, you know,
your intuition in a gut, butintuition in your gut is solid.
(09:19):
It's neutral.
It isn't emotional.
So I want to be very clearhere.
When you're making intuitivemoves, they aren't emotional
moves.
They're very neutral, grounded,calm, peaceful moves.
So maybe setting a time, when Isay a timer, like a 24-hour,
you know, boundary for yourselfof where you're not going to
(09:42):
purchase anything.
Like when you're recognizing,and like I say with everything,
you know, awareness a lot oftimes happens after the fact.
So you might have alreadypurchased it and then you
recognize what you did.
But the next time you're likesitting at your computer and you
see that you're about topurchase it and you're like,
hang on a second, what am Ifeeling right now?
And then what will happen iseventually you'll get to before.
(10:04):
You'll be like, I'm feelingsomething.
I'm noticing the urge that Iwant to go buy something.
What am I feeling right now?
So do you see how theprogression of awareness
happens?
It backs up until when you getto before it is actually
happening.
So some tools or some skillsthat you can develop is you
always have your breath.
Like, what are you feeling?
What are you like allowingyourself, you know, to get out
(10:27):
of that sympathetic state, getinto that parasympathetic, rest
and digest.
Exhale longer than you'reinhaling.
So if you inhale for fourseconds, exhale for six or
eight.
Do that a couple of times.
Notice how you're feeling inyour body, doing some grounding
work, right?
You can go out in the grass,you can go out in nature, you
can just sit here at your deskand you can just feel your
(10:50):
breath.
Also, like I mentioned,allowing some type of like
boundary, 24 hours.
Like it's gonna be there whenyou get back.
Right?
The the thing that you'rewanting to buy.
It'll be there tomorrow.
What do I need to take care of?
Like your nervous system andyou, your body, your mind, your
spirit are more important rightnow than purchasing something.
Stop the cycle.
Ask yourself, what am I feelingright now?
(11:12):
Breathe, you know.
What am I needing in thismoment?
It's probably not gonna be whatyou're wanting to purchase.
You know, your your brain'sgonna tell you that, your ego,
your ego mind is gonna say that.
But really, probably what youneed is nervous system support,
comfort, love, connection,validation, you know, an at a
(11:32):
girl of like, hey, you're doingthe best that you can right now.
I know that it feels reallydifficult, but I'm here for you.
You might need somereparenting.
Like, that's what you're gonnaneed more than purchasing
something.
And then obviously, likeeverything I say is like, what
type of somatic work can you do?
Maybe it's just journaling.
Like, I'm really feeling theurge right now to purchase this.
And that's because I am feelinga lot of guilt or shame around
(11:54):
my numbers or how my businesswent today or whatever.
Journal it out.
You know, I've talked about EFTtapping, I've talked about
emotional release therapy, youknow, go for a walk, move some
of that energy, work out, moveyour body, be in nature, like
get out of your office and go bein nature.
You know, sometimes also justsitting there with the feelings,
(12:15):
that's also really powerfultoo.
Like you really get to commandand have command over the
feelings.
Like your feelings are not you.
You are not your feelings.
You are the observer of yourfeelings.
So maybe it's just, you know,as you go for a walk, like what
am I feeling in this moment?
And really just being with yourbody, giving yourself some time
(12:37):
to sink into and recognizewhat's coming up here.
And I think if you really wantto take this an extra step
deeper, is like, what does thelittle child within me need in
this moment?
Like, that's really what we'regetting at here.
Like the reparenting.
What does the little girl, whatis like if this was me, what
does little Aaron need in thismoment?
More often than not, it alwayscomes back to she needs to feel
(12:58):
more love.
She needs to feel and be loved.
She needs support, she needs tosay, you know what, it's okay.
We're gonna get through thistogether.
I'm here for you.
I love you.
It's okay.
Like, what do you what doesyour little girl or your little
boy need?
And then if you're like, Istill want to purchase this
after you've waited the 24hours, okay.
(13:20):
But then it comes from a veryempowered place.
It doesn't come from areactionary place.
So I want to leave you withjust a couple of mindset shifts
to think about and things toponder before we leave.
A lot of people make purchasesfrom an emotional place.
The first and most importantstep, right, is awareness.
(13:41):
I've done it, clients have doneit, friends have done it.
Like we've all done it.
We all have been taught to goseek something externally, you
know, to have us try to feel afeeling or avoid a feeling.
It's not a problem.
Like you're not the only onethat has that is experiencing
this or has experienced this orwill experience this.
(14:02):
But the important thing here isto always stop and ask myself,
what am I feeling in thismoment?
I also think you need to treatmoney very intentional, like an
intentional tool.
It is a tool.
It is not here to be yoursupport service animal, you
know.
You see those?
Like it's not here to prop youup.
(14:22):
Like money is to be used.
It is your responsibility togenerate the emotions within you
and to use money and to use itfor planned purchases, not for
some type of safety or escape.
Okay, so let me give you acouple of things to think about.
One, you're not the only personthat has ever bought something
from an emotional place.
(14:44):
I have clients have, I'm sureeveryone has bought from an
emotional place.
It's not a problem.
You're not a bad person.
It makes you human.
So give yourself a little bitof a break if you're beating
yourself up right now.
Also, I think it's reallyimportant to treat money as a
tool.
It isn't something that isthere for you to create safety
(15:08):
for you or an escape or to giveyou either a high or a low
feeling.
So just be aware of when you'reexpecting money to do that for
you.
And I think also too, is thatover time, the goal is for us to
meet our own emotional needs,right?
And that always starts withwhat am I thinking?
(15:30):
What am I feeling?
What am I needing in thismoment?
What would I love?
What am I choosing to, youknow, avoid right now?
Like just start to ask yourselfquestions to get more clarity
as to what you were thinking andfeeling.
And then you're going to beable to get to some of these
deeper belief systems, whichthat's where, like, that's where
(15:52):
the real good stuff lies,because it's in those belief
systems that we actually createnew belief systems, right?
So if you have a belief thatI'm a bad person because my
numbers are like this, the realbelief is I equate something
externally to how I am a good orbad person versus I'm
inherently good and worthybecause I am here on this
(16:16):
planet.
Do you see the difference inbelief systems?
So start there, ponder this.
If this is you, not a problem.
Recognize it and then put someboundaries up for yourself.
Like, what am I willing to do?
Am I willing to pause mypurchases?
Am I willing to tap into mybody when I'm feeling some of
this lower vibration emotions?
(16:37):
Am I willing to start askingmyself some questions?
I'll leave you with that.
And until next time, I'll seeyou in the next episode.
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