163 | Why “Luxury” Isn’t Spoiled: Why Women Feel Guilty Spending Money on Comfort - Your Money, Your Rules | Money Mindset, Money Management, Abundance Mindset, Budgeting, Spirituality

Episode Transcript
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Erin Gray (00:00):
In today's episode, I am going to be talking about
the term luxury because it hasbeen a theme recently in my
client calls on several of them.
And my theory is if it is in orI'm having, you know, having
this conversation with severalof my clients, then it's
probably also a theme in thecollective.
So today I am going to bediscussing like what luxury is,

(00:23):
why do we experience guilt, orwhy does that show up around it,
and how you can actually startexperiencing luxury without the
guilt, because the whole pointof having money and circulating
money is for fun and enjoymentand for the body.
It is not to feel shame orguilt or to, you know,
pigeonhole us into a certain wayof being.

(00:44):
I also wanted to make just aquick announcement that if you
want to come and learn with me,be with other women who are on
this journey with you, you canregister for my free workshop
that I will be hosting onTuesday, December 16th, where I
will be teaching.
This specific workshop is goingto be about how to have
conversations with your spouseabout money with all the

(01:05):
friction and the arguing.
And I will be putting the linkin the show notes where you can
just click on the link in theshow notes and you can register
to join.
Okay, so I went to Googlebecause I wanted to actually
understand or like get theactual definition of what luxury
is.
And when I went and it andtyped it in, it said the
definition of luxury is thestate of great comfort and

(01:28):
extravagant living.
And so I picked apart, I waslike, great comfort.
Yes, that's what, you know,because the several
conversations that I had aroundluxury with clients was around
fine, flying first class andhaving nicer things and air
quotes when I say nicer, right?
It's just it is a judgment or athought around what is nicer,
what is nicer.

(01:48):
And so then I picked apart whatis extravagant living.
And extravagant was defined aslacking restraint in spending
money or using resources.
And then I went to see whatlacking restraint meant, which
was a measure or condition thatkeeps someone or something under
control or within limits.

(02:09):
And I think the wholedefinition is amazing.
Like we don't want to livewithin limits.
I'm tired of having livingwithin limits or having limits.
I don't want to be limited withmoney.
I know you don't want to belimited with money.
I know clients don't want to belimited with money.
Like I want all of us to feellimitless and unlimited when it

(02:30):
comes to money and just in ourlife.
So when we look at luxury fromthis perception, from this
definition, luxury is aboutexperiencing comfort.
It's not about limitingourselves with our resources.
And it's also not about beinglimited, you know, putting
ourselves in a box or livingwithin limits.
And I want to be clear herebecause luxury is not always

(02:53):
about buying the most costlything.
I think there is this, at leastthe way I perceive it
sometimes, you have, let's say,celebrities, right?
And they talk about luxury andthey're talking about name brand
things.
And I don't, I think I've saidthis on the podcast, but I'm
very vocal about there are lotsof name brand designers that

(03:14):
make their things in China.
So they make their warehouse isin the same warehouse that gets
made, you know, as Target does.
So name brand is not what I'mtalking about here.
And I think that that has beena societal or cultural thing
that we have cultivated to thinkluxury equals name brand.
That's not what I'm referringto here.
And I'm not referring to asbuying the most costly thing.

(03:37):
It's about buying and honoringwhat matters to you.
So when you think about luxury,I want you to change your
mindset from thinking aboutit's, you know, a name brand to
think about a luxurious amountof time, allowing yourself so
much space.
Like when I first told myhusband, this is years ago,

(03:58):
like, hey, we're just gonnastart flying first class.
And he's like, Well, we don'teat the food because we're
plant-based.
He's like, and we don't drinkalcohol.
And I'm like, yeah, but that'snot why I'm buying and sitting
in first class.
I'm sitting in first classbecause I want to be able to lay
down.
I want to sit in first classbecause I want more space when I
sit in my seat.
I want to drink unlimitedamounts of seltzer water.

(04:19):
I want to be able to wake uprefreshed when I get off of that
flight.
There's more than just, youknow, for us buying tickets
first class of, oh, we get tosit up in the front and we get
to drink.
That is not a desire for me.
But the desire to have morespace, to be able to lay down,
to be cared for, to have a, youknow, greater flight attendant

(04:40):
to passenger ratio, that is whatis important to me.
So think about luxury as time.
Think about it as having moreluxurious experiences or tools
or practices that elevate yourlife.
And when you look at luxury andthink of it from that you are
deserving of it and that thebody, like this is what I was

(05:03):
telling a client the other day.
I'm like, we have money for ourbody.
Our soul could give two shitsabout money, but the body, the
body loves to feel spacious andloves to have nice things and
loves to sleep on nice pillowsand a nice bed and live in a
nice home and drive a nice carand nice, you know, air quote.

(05:24):
But we do things for the bodyand the body loves to have
comfort and not to have anyrestraints.
So when you look at it fromthat standpoint and you look at
it from that different view,then we can start making
decisions for each individualthing versus this blanket
statement of like, oh, you know,I don't want to be too

(05:45):
luxurious or I don't want to,you know, fly, you know, I had a
client tell me the other week,like, oh, I don't want to fly
first class too much.
I'm like, why?
Who said, you know, where isthat thought behind there why
you wouldn't want to fly flyfirst class?
So if something adds more easeand more comfort and less limits
and less restriction, why arewe saying no to that?

(06:08):
Or why would we want to say noto that?
So I just want you to questionhow often have we been told, you
know, oh, don't do that.
I don't want to, you know,sometimes my parents will say
that about my kid, like, oh, youdon't want to spoil her too
much.
It's like spoiled to me has adifferent definition in terms of
like, I think you can break itdown into different ways, but

(06:31):
spoiled in a negativeconnotation is you aren't
grateful for what you have.
But yes, I want to be spoiled.
I want to have nice things, Iwant to live an amazing life.
So really start to questionwhen you think about luxury,
when you think about yourexperiences, when you think
about your time, the clothesthat you want to wear, the

(06:54):
vacations you want to go on, thepeople that you want to hire in
your business.
Like what feels caring foryourself and your body, your
mind?
And so let's talk about why somany of us might feel guilt or
we might feel shame aroundluxury.
A lot of us, we've all beenconditioned, right, around

(07:15):
societal and cultural beliefs.
So many of us carry beliefsystems from our family, from
society, from culture that haveluxury feeling, and I'm air
quoting wrong.
And so we have a negativeconnotation with luxury, or we
think spoiled, you know, is youdon't want to be too spoiled,

(07:38):
don't spoil them too much.
So when we judge the termluxury or what luxury is, and if
we're having too much of it,because we have a judgment
around it, like what is toomuch?
This is where I go back to thelaw of relativity.
Anything or something that youhave or you're thinking about is

(08:01):
only, you know, a lot or alittle compared to something
else.
So what are you comparing yourexperience with luxury to?
To someone else, to what youused to have.
And when we start judging that,right, like always use things
to support you and to empoweryou and to serve you.

(08:23):
So avoiding luxury andluxurious experiences, it can
keep you in this pattern of notenough or just enough.
It's almost kind of like makedo, or I'll just muster through
it, or uh, I'll just, you know,it's okay.
Like this will do mentality,which really, if you really get

(08:48):
down to it, it stems from moreof a scarcity mentality than it
does abundance.
And I really want you to flipthe switch and start thinking
about luxury as a form ofself-care from a place of power
being powerful.
And when I say power andpowerful, we also have negative
connotations around that.
Power and powerful does notmean overpowering someone else,

(09:12):
it means being in your power,right?
Empower being empowered isliving and acting from your
power.
It doesn't mean overpoweringsomeone else, which we've had
plenty of examples of that.
It means being in your power.
So luxury can representself-care for us.
Like I mentioned, you know,I've had three or four

(09:33):
conversations this past week.
So think about when we say yesto first class, we arrive well
rested.
We're able to think moreclearly, we are able to stay
more hydrated, you're serveddifferently, right?
You're cared for on the plane.
So thinking about why I wouldwant, and I'm just using first

(09:55):
class as an example.
And I'm not saying everybodyneeds to fly first class, but
I'm just asking you to questionif you want something and you're
telling yourself no, you can'thave it, or it's too luxurious,
that might actually not becoming from what you actually
want.
It could be coming from asocietal or cultural or familial

(10:16):
belief system.
And just question it.
You know, I think the biggestthing to recognize here is
having more money does not makeyou a better human.
And I think that we have alsobeen shown that, right?
We have been taught like if youhave more money, oh, well, then
you're better than somebodyelse.
No, you're not.
You just have more money.
Steve Jobs is not better thananybody else.

(10:37):
Like, pretty sure if you askhis daughter, I didn't think
they had a great relationship,right?
He just had more money.
So having more money doesn'tmake you a better human.
Who you are, your self-concept,what you believe about yourself
is how you present yourself tothe world.
And then having more moneyjust, you know, illuminates
that, right?
Adds to that.

(10:57):
So I also think as women, weall need to be the example for
other women.
And if you want to have moreluxurious experiences and you
aren't doing that, you have toquestion yourself and ask why.
So, because when we, when moreof us, and let's just use the
example, sit in first class,when more of us, you know, take

(11:20):
more luxurious vacations.
And I'm not talking about theInstagram influencers and all
that kind of crap.
I'm talking about because Igenuinely want to sit in first
class and I genuinely want to bein this beautiful hotel or this
beautiful Airbnb because I wantto, because I want to take my
family or my girlfriends on thistrip, because I want to do
that.
When it comes from your heart'sdesire, I believe that the more

(11:44):
of us that do that, the morethat we show other women it's
possible and it is let it be thenew standard for everyone.
So this also comes back to isit aligned with your spending?
Investing in yourself today.
This is the way I think aboutit, is I'm investing in myself
today because I love and I carefor this body.

(12:06):
And I want this body to lastme, you know, another hundred
years, right?
And so when we are doing thingsfrom that place, we are doing
it for our body because, like Imentioned, our soul, it could
care less, right?
It's the experiences, the thefeelings, the the lifestyle that

(12:29):
we have, yes, it is a feeling,but it is also like for our
bodies.
So let's talk about practicalsteps to actually enjoy
luxurious experiences, luxurywithout the guilt.
So start small, but not toosmall.
So maybe it's up-leveling yourcoffee.
Or, you know, I have thesereally nice journals by Peter

(12:52):
Popper Press.
I'll put the link in show um inthe show notes.
It's on Amazon, but they'rebeautiful.
They're like hardcover, theyare like gold-lined pages.
It just feels really nice whenI write in my journal.
Think about, like I alreadymentioned, flying economy.
So if you're going fromeconomy, then maybe you go to
premium economy or maybe you goto business and then you move to

(13:13):
first class.
It could even be like just yourbath towels.
Like, what are the things thatyou can start implementing today
where you know you couldupgrade it and it would feel
more luxurious?
And I want you to think aboutjust all of the areas of your
life.
So I'm going to name some ofthem.
Think about your food.
How could you up level?
How could you just decide basedon what you wanted to eat

(13:34):
versus the price?
Think about your personal care.
Like, are there certainproducts that you want to have
that because you've said no tobecause of the price, but you
really want them?
Think about your travelairfare, like I said, even Uber
drives, right?
Like when I came out of the LAairport the other day, a couple
months ago.
And the way that they have nowdeemed it is if you want an

(13:56):
Uber, you have to take like abus to, I don't even know where.
You got to go to somewhereelse.
And I was like, F that.
I was like, how do I get bepicked up right here?
And they're like, you have toorder Uber Black.
I'm like, okay, sign me up.
What do I got to do?
Right.
It was easy.
It was, it saved me not onlythe time, but the mental, like
figuring out how to get from theterminal I was in, to get on a

(14:18):
bus, to go to wherever I neededto go, to then order an Uber.
It's just was nice to walk outof the terminal and just be
like, here, pick me up righthere.
So your Uber drives, yourAirbnbs, think about your
clothing, how you invest inyourself.
Like all of that is previous,like obviously everything is
investing, but like with yourcoaches and your mentors, and

(14:41):
always go back to your body.
Like use your body as acompass.
Notice when you're spending oryour experiences feel
energizing.
And then notice when they feelshame-inducing, right?
So when you are purchasingsomething because you want to,
you know, I had a client, like Itold you, she wanted to do
first class.

(15:01):
And then I asked her, Well, howdid you feel after you
purchased the ticket and you hadthe experience?
She's like, I loved it.
It felt so good.
And I said, then you need toremember that the next time
you're ready to purchase aticket, and your mind starts to
give you, oh, you're beingspoiled, oh, not too luxurious.
Oh, you've been booking toomany first class tickets lately.
Like you have to go back tolike, what is actually my mind

(15:25):
and what actually feels good inthe body?
And like everything I talkabout and teach, play with this.
Get in the habit and practicedoing things and feeling
luxurious.
And like I said, it doesn'thave to be first class.
If that's too far of a jump foryour nervous system, then like
what are some, like I mentioned,like some bath towels, or maybe
it's a nicer cup of coffee, orwhatever it is for you.

(15:48):
Just start playing with this.
What I really want you to getto is like this is a state of
being.
This is this is an identityshift.
So what do you, and I want tobe very clear also, is like
doing these things when youstill aren't doing the internal
work on your mindset and youremotions isn't going to shift it

(16:09):
long term.
So you have to do the internalwork, right?
Like there's lots of peoplethat probably five fly first
class and live in amazing homesand still feel really shitty
about themselves.
That's not what I'm advocatingfor.
I'm advocating for you to dothe internal work and also allow
yourself to enjoy the externalexperiences as well.
And the more you do it, theeasier it gets.

(16:30):
And the more familiar yournervous system becomes with
this.
And that is the whole point.
Like we want our nervous systemto feel normal and to expect
luxury.
The only reason why it feels alittle odd right now, along with
the mindset, is because ournervous system isn't used to
feeling this way.
So the more that we get intoit, the more that we do it, the

(16:50):
more familiar that we will feeland the more we will expect it.
Like this will be our newnormal, and then it'll be
up-leveling on something else.
Okay, so play with this thisweek.
Really question yourself like,where am I wanting some, you
know, more luxuriousexperiences?
And I'm not giving them tomyself and start to decide,

(17:10):
okay, what's one thing that I'mgonna change this week?
And then really also look atthe mind chatter that comes up
when your mind, you know, tellsyou whatever it might be,
because those are the thoughtsand the beliefs that you've got
to work on and clear in order tocome back to, you know, your
abundant, luxurious, amazingself.
Okay, I love you.

(17:31):
I will see you in the nextepisode.

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163 | Why “Luxury” Isn’t Spoiled: Why Women Feel Guilty Spending Money on Comfort

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.css-14f5ked{margin:0;word-break:break-word;display:-webkit-box;-webkit-box-orient:vertical;box-orient:vertical;-webkit-line-clamp:2;overflow:hidden;}163 | Why “Luxury” Isn’t Spoiled: Why Women Feel Guilty Spending Money on Comfort