Imagine trying to connect with your teenager but feeling like every attempt ends up in misunderstanding or conflict. That's a scenario many parents face, and it’s one our special guest, Laura Ollinger, knows all too well. With a personal journey colored by the trials of raising four teenagers and navigating through family tragedies, including her daughter's battle with anxiety, Laura offers invaluable insights into improving parent-teen communication. We discuss the tendency for forced interactions in mother-son relationships and how reactive communication can create tension. Laura explains how giving teens space and fostering curiosity can transform these experiences into opportunities for building trust and harmony in your home.
But what happens when you throw military deployment and the challenges of reintegration into the mix? We uncover effective strategies that can help bridge the gap even in these complex situations. By embracing a curious mindset and using open-ended questions, parents can rebuild relationships and ensure their children feel seen and valued. We also touch on the importance of nonverbal communication and the role of shared activities like video games to strengthen bonds. Finally, we delve into the power of heart-focused breathing techniques to create a calm environment and rebuild trust when it's been compromised. Join us for an enlightening conversation packed with practical strategies that can help you enhance communication and trust within your family.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:02):
Welcome to your Thoughts, your Reality with
Michael Cole, the podcast thatshines a compassionate light on
the journey of veterans battlingthrough life's challenges.
Michael is a dual elitecertified neuro encoding
specialist in coaching andkeynote training presentations
dedicated to guiding militaryveterans as they navigate the
intricate pathways of postdeployment life.
(00:23):
Join him as we delve into theprofound realm of neuroencoding
science, empowering these braveindividuals to conquer universal
battles procrastination,self-doubt, fear and more.
Together, let's uncover thestrength within you to re-engage
with families and society,forging a new path forward.
Speaker 2 (00:47):
Well, hello, hello everybody.
Yes, we're back on again Sameday, a couple minutes later.
We have amazing Laura Olingeron here today, and you know
Laura is an empowering coach anddedicated mother of four
teenagers.
She has been running her owncoaching business for over three
years, helping parents andteens thrive in their
relationships.
(01:07):
She's deeply passionate aboutpersonal growth, empowerment and
fostering healthy livingpractices for families, and I'm
really excited to have thisconversation today.
Her expertise lies in improvingcommunication, building trust
and creating meaningfulconnections between parents and
their children, so super excitedto have you on, laura.
Why don't you tell us a littlebit more about yourself?
Speaker 3 (01:29):
Sure, thank you so much, michael.
So yes, mom of four teenagers,I've got two in high school, two
in middle school.
I'm in Austin, texas.
I've been here for 16 years butoriginally from the Midwest St
Louis, missouri and then wentthrough Boston for a while.
So I just am extremelypassionate about helping parents
(01:49):
and teenagers.
It started several years ago.
I was starting a new career andback in school I got my
master's in health and wellnesseducation and I also became a
certified, a national boardcertified health coach, health
and wellness coach.
And around that time is when,unfortunately, very tragically,
my nephew took his own life.
(02:11):
And that was just this massivewake up call to me Maybe realize
that it can happen to anybody,it can happen to any family,
anywhere, anytime.
It's just, you know, obviouslyextremely just, unexpected.
And at that time,simultaneously my daughter what
my oldest daughter was having alot of anxiety at the time.
(02:34):
And then you know that happenedand it quadrupled and I just
thought, you know, originally mypassion was to help stressed
out moms.
That was kind of my focus.
And then, when all these thingshappen, I realized, wait a
second.
I think my calling is really tohelp the teenagers too, and so
that's when I kind of combinedmy approach and I decided I
wanted to help both parents andteens.
Speaker 2 (02:55):
Yeah, that's, that's absolutely fantastic.
And I mean, when you, when youlook at it, you know obviously
I'm a parent, I'm a grandparentand all that fun stuff.
I, looking back, I mean you'realways questioning, right, as a
parent, you know you trydifferent things and those
backfire and some things workand so on.
So you know, I think whatyou're doing for families is
(03:16):
just absolutely fantastic.
So you know, I am so happyyou're on the show.
Speaker 3 (03:23):
Thank you.
No, no, I'm excited to be herejust because I know who your
audience is and I'm thinking, ohmy gosh, I just am excited to
share some things today,whatever you know they're
needing to hear.
So, yes, I'm totally excited tohave this conversation.
Speaker 2 (03:38):
Fantastic and anybody listening, you know.
Feel free to comment on theirquestions.
If you have something, you havesomething that we can talk
about.
But, again, we have half anhour and I have a lot of
questions myself.
So, if we can, just before weget started, on the top right
corner of your screen there's ablue QR code that takes you to
empowerperformancestrategiescomAgain,
(04:00):
empowerperformancestrategiescom.
There are free e-books for bothfamilies and veterans that I've
written.
There are Facebook groups,again for veterans and separate
ones for their families.
Please be part of the communityand part of the mission.
It's so important just to growthis mission and come together
and be connected, so pleasecheck that out, all right, with
(04:21):
that said, what do you think isone of the biggest barriers
parents face when trying toconnect with their teens today?
Speaker 3 (04:30):
Great question.
So I think it's a broad questionand there's so many different
types of people andpersonalities out there, so I
think it's like kind of one oftwo things potentially.
One is there's this like forcedapproach, where I've seen a lot
of times moms, specifically withtheir sons, desperately want to
(04:50):
have a connection in arelationship while their sons
are teenagers.
And it's kind of like there'sthis the visual that comes to
mind is like you know a turtlewhen they go into their shell,
and it's like the more the momis like knocking, like come on,
talk to me, let's hang out,let's be cool, you know the more
that the, the son a lot oftimes goes into their shell and
tightens up.
(05:11):
And so I think when it's justsuch a forced approach, that's
something that the parents needto look at and like figure out
what their role is in that andfigure out how can they like
back up a little bit, give theirteenager a little more space,
let them come out of theirturtle shell and not make it
feel so overwhelming.
And then the second thing isthen there's kind of the
(05:33):
opposite end of the spectrumwhere maybe they do have a good
relationship, except that a lotof parents are just very
reactive.
They have like this real likeshort fuse and they're like you
did what you went, where youmade, what grade you know.
There's this like kind ofoverwhelming, and it's funny
because both approaches are alittle bit overwhelming for the
(05:55):
teenager.
And so that parent too can backup and figure out.
You know how can I be morecurious about who my teenager is
developing into as a human andwhat they're up to these days?
Right, like kind of, instead oflike, yeah, you know that kind
(06:15):
of whole, like, it's like thatscreechy voice is what comes to
mind, you know that nagging, butit's like how can you just like
emotionally regulate yourselfand develop that relationship in
more of a regulated fashion?
Speaker 2 (06:28):
I love that and you know, no one I don't think
anyone I know ever appreciatesthat Right, that in your face,
you know it's.
It has to be walls down, goodcommunication and in a good
headspace, I think, foreverybody, for things to really
have just great conversations.
(06:48):
Can we talk about that a littlebit?
I think communication, youwould agree, is probably one of
the most important parts of it.
I don't do what you do, but asa human being I think that's
kind of natural.
So what kind of role and ortips would you say?
Coming from again, maybe aveteran transitioning back to,
reintegrating back into civilianlife?
(07:10):
You know, there's always thishoneymoon period, right, the
patterns are the same, storiesare different, patterns are
pretty much always the same,I've found.
And so there's a honeymoonperiod and then be life in, like
Les Brown tells us.
So what are some thoughts ofmaybe just that opening that
communication back up in a realway?
Speaker 3 (07:29):
That is such another man, great question.
So again, I think that there'skind of like multiple approaches
and so there's kind of what Iwould say is like the verbal
communication which was whatmost of us think of
communication being.
So maybe I start with that andthen move into the second part.
That first part withcommunication is to have that
(07:50):
kind of curious mindset, like ifyou've been deployed and you're
coming back and you're like,wow, I really want to get to
know who my child is.
Now it's kind of being curiousand it's not always, I think a
lot of times people think it hasto be these big, big things,
big topics, like you know, andwe start like kind of like
(08:13):
battering our children withquestions like what do you like
now?
What are you into, what's yourfavorite movie, what's your
favorite sport, who's yourfavorite teacher, all these
things.
And it's like like again, adown a notch and just just like
take it into little, likesmaller pieces, like bite sized
pieces, and just kind of keepingthose questions really open
ended, especially with teenagers.
(08:33):
You know there's classic howwas your day?
Fine, right, and so just kindof, first of all, learning that
open ended communication, youknow it could be what was the
best part of your day today,what was the worst part of your
day today, what was the funniestpart of your day?
Or, you know, did you laugh orwhat was funny today?
(08:55):
Kind of open-ended and on thelistening side there's a couple
pieces to listening, but thatkind of empathetic listening
where if our child is having abig emotion about something, we
really want to just validatethat and say, oh, I can see why
you're so mad that you got an Fon your math test.
(09:19):
That makes sense that you wouldbe so upset about that.
And we're not fixing it right,we're just validating.
We're kind of having empathy.
You know other big emotions, oh, you know, and kind of we want
to match them.
If they're excited aboutsomething and they got an A or
they scored the goal or thetouchdown or whatever, oh my
gosh, that's amazing, right,like we want to match that
(09:41):
energy.
And it's very disappointingwhen a child has like really
good news and they're so excitedand the parents like, oh,
that's great, right, it's likeit's very dismissive to the
child and so, whether it's apositive emotion or negative
emotion, we kind of want tomatch that and then also kind of
verbally say, you know, oh, Ican see why you're so excited
about this.
You worked so hard on thatproject, right, excited about
(10:06):
this, you worked so hard on thatproject, right.
And kind of there's that growthmindset where it's not like
your innate talents, where thatchild is a genius and they're
actually talented.
We want to focus on like thework they put in, the effort,
the concentration, theimprovement right, because
that's where you know itactually starts to build their
self-esteem when they hear aparent validating that.
(10:28):
And then there's this likenonverbal part I want to shift
into a little bit, which issometimes, you know, again,
there's a lot of teenagers whoand I believe it or not, because
I'm a very chatty person now,believe it or not, when I was a
teenager I didn't really want totalk a lot to my parents.
I didn't think they understoodme and I didn't know how to
(10:50):
express myself in a way thatfelt like a good, safe
communication for me, withoutlike feeling judged, and so
sometimes there's just this,what you know, how little girls
play very interactively, likethey play dolls together, and
boys have that more parallelplay where like boys like to go
fishing and like just not talkright, like they could just be
(11:12):
out all day, or you go out tothe golf course and that you get
back and like, oh, what'd youguys talk about?
What do you mean?
We were just golfing.
There's not a lot of right.
And so sometimes you need tomatch your child, whether it's a
son or daughter, and whetheryou're a mom or a dad, with what
feels right for them, and it'smaybe they like to play video
(11:33):
games.
Maybe you sit down and you playa video game with them, like,
instead of being mad, like, stopplaying video games.
Hey, how does this video gamework?
Can you show me Can I play withyou?
How does this video game work?
Can you show me can I play withyou?
Right, and so there's a form ofcommunication that's not always
verbal communication, but it'smore the being right.
Speaker 2 (11:50):
There's just being with them and connecting with
them I think, I think both ofthose are absolutely fantastic.
So, um, I'm just gonna, I'mjust gonna say it.
You know, man, they don't wantto be fixed yeah yeah, it's
natural.
Take a breath and just be, justbe present you know, so I think
(12:12):
that those are some reallyimportant things that you talked
about with.
You know it's not just verbal.
You know different, differentuh, teenagers, kids, humans in
general, they, they receive lovein different ways, right,
sometimes it Sometimes it's ahug, sometimes it's saying
you're proud of them, sometimesit's just being involved for a
minute or playing a video game,like you said, just so they feel
(12:33):
the presence and that you'represent for them and they're
being seen.
Would you say that's accurate?
Speaker 3 (12:40):
Oh, 100%, 100%, In fact, a lot of times.
There's Gary Chapman's book,the Five Love Languages.
I'm not sure if you're familiarwith the book, but it is the
physical touch, the acts ofservice, gifts, and so there's
five things.
Well, on his website there is aquiz for teenagers and you can
just take it for your teenager,or, if your teenagers are very
(13:02):
cooperative, they can take itthemselves, and so that way you
can actually find out what yourteenager's love language is.
And, like you're saying,another form of communication is
not always verbal, it's theseother things, but what your
overall, the overallcommunication is that you love
them, you're there for them,you're present for them, and
that's what you're communicatingthrough these different methods
(13:24):
.
Speaker 2 (13:25):
That's fantastic.
I know the book.
I did not know about that test,so that's, that's absolutely
fantastic.
I mean, and that's it, withanybody coaching, or as a parent
, I mean we're coaches in asense, right.
Just, you know, so just havingthese extra little tips and
skills I think is worth abillion dollars.
(13:45):
I mean it's literally pricelessto be able to go in and make it
fun, right?
If you can get your child to behonest and do the test, you're
going to get a lot further thanyour perception doing it for
them.
Speaker 3 (13:58):
Absolutely, absolutely yeah.
Speaker 2 (14:03):
So let's talk a little more about communication
and slowing it down, because Ithink nowadays human beings
struggle with it, period.
Right it's, we're, go, go, go.
It's social media doomscrolling it's.
You know, we're always so busyin our lives and it's hard for a
lot of people, unless they'vedone the work and know, to slow
(14:25):
down and be present for a minuteto do so.
You know.
So when you, when you give ussome thoughts and tips on how to
slow it down for for both ofyou, so that you can have that
real communication maybe, andand really connect.
Speaker 3 (14:40):
Yes, there's well, there's a bazillion ways.
But what comes to mind is I hadthis.
I was giving a workshop, aparenting workshop, one time,
and this mom stood up and shesaid it was at the end.
And she said I have a question.
And she said all this stuff Ilearned is great, all your
communication stuff is great,but how can I implement it?
(15:02):
Because I'm so stressed outwith my job.
She worked with teenagers Idon't know if she was a teacher,
but I think she was a teacherand she said but then I have to
walk into my house at the end ofthe day and deal with all their
stuff.
And I said okay, so first weneed to like emotionally
regulate and then we need toform the identity.
(15:23):
So I said even if you have tosit in your car for five minutes
when you get home before youwalk in the door and you know
that there's hungry teenagersinside or a hungry husband or
whoever is waiting for you, andif you can take five minutes and
I had taught several I'mcertified in I'm a heart math
practitioner, which is anonprofit organization to
(15:47):
develop emotional regulationskills, and it uses the heart's
intelligence and it's justbreathing.
If you can just breathe.
I mean, we could go throughsome breathing exercises, I
imagine.
Which is I said who do you needto be in this moment?
(16:11):
Right, who do you need to bewhen you walk in this door and
you know I need to be calm, Ineed to be centered, I need to
be present, I need to be mom,not teacher, and then just focus
on that.
And she I think she, herchildren, were very challenging
children and I said, okay, howcan you rise to the occasion to
be that mom for your kids inright now?
(16:34):
And she was like, oh, okay, andit made sense, it clicked to
her, right.
And so sometimes it's just thatslow it down, connect with your
body, center yourself, feelgrounded.
You know there's a bazillion,you know mindfulness tips these
days, just on YouTube andeverywhere.
But then, instead of focusingon what you don't want to do
(16:54):
like I don't want to scream, Idon't want to yell, I don't want
to be tempered focus on what,who, what you do want to do and
who you do need to be.
Speaker 2 (17:10):
I want to be calm, I want to be a relaxed mom and
present with my children.
Yeah, you know those, so many,so many golden nuggets in that,
just what you just said in thatlast three minutes or whatever
it was.
So it brought up something Iwant.
I want to add as well Ourfriends, david Yoloa, with the
Warriors and Queens, they workwith husbands and wives.
You know, and so you know, oneof the things that they've
talked about they've been on theshow multiple times is have a
transition period.
(17:31):
You know so that five minutes,like you said, and that's what
clicked.
Let let you know your spouse orwhatever the case is.
Let them know that when I comehome, I'm going to be out in the
car for five minutes.
I, you know, I, I'm notnothing's wrong, everything's
okay.
I'm just needed a couple ofminutes in me time.
You know so that everybody knows, and when, when that transition
(17:56):
period can happen, when you'recoming home from work or
whatever the case may be, itreally can change the game,
because then you, like Laurasaid and I do want you to talk
about some breathing exercisesfor a second you really do just
slow down and you know whenyou're frantic and you walk into
a, everybody feels the energylike you're saying right, so
(18:19):
you're going in there and you'regoing in that wrong headspace.
It just starts creating chaosand the whole, the whole house
can spin out of control in asense, you know.
And then of course no one'sbeing seen and no one.
You know all those beautifulthings that can happen when
someone's excited to see.
So can you just for a second,maybe talk about that just a
little bit more?
And then I'd like to talk aboutthe breathing exercises.
Just maybe give one, just solisteners have that.
Speaker 3 (18:41):
I would love to.
And, as you were saying that,what came to mind is you know,
parents are leaders and a lot oftimes moms specifically we
don't identify.
Like I know I didn't identifymyself as a leader until I was
actually taking a leadershipclass in my master's program and
(19:01):
I'm like, wait a second, I leadfour people every day.
Because it said like, who doyou lead, who are you in charge
of?
And I'm like what I neverthought of myself and if you can
have that identity of, I am theleader and therefore leaders
lead and we are responsible forthe environment in the home.
So, just because a parent hashad a bad or stressful day, and
I just wanna say I reallyappreciate veterans Like I I I
(19:27):
have never been one, so I can'tput myself in the shoes per se,
but I can, in my mind, imagineand appreciate, kind of what
they're dealing with, especiallyif they're reintegrating back
into their families and so yeah,so let's get to.
So part of that is like cominginto the home and like setting
this tone and setting theenvironment and if you want to
(19:48):
have a calm environment, that itis up to you and so getting
into that breathing stuff.
So the science of it is there'sit's called heart rate
variability and that's basicallylike the amount of time in
between each heart beat, and ina healthy sense we want that to
actually fluctuate.
(20:08):
And we want it to fluctuatethough in a very like steady,
even tone and kind of like niceand smooth, like a nice little
fun roller coaster.
And there's all this sciencethat shows when you've got
stress and anxiety and overwhelm, your heart rate variability
actually goes down.
But the lines on the little EKGchart is like very jaggedy,
(20:29):
like this, and so that's theequivalent of like hitting your
gas and your brake at the sametime of your car.
It's just like extremelyinefficient, like it's like, so
like jaggedy, and you're like,oh my gosh, I'm getting whiplash
Right, and that's why peoplebecome more exhausted because
you're burning so much energy,just like your heart rate.
You know it's all connected toyour nervous system.
(20:49):
So yeah, so we want to get moreconnected into.
You know there's the autonomicnervous system.
The sympathetic nervous systemis higher flight in.
The parasympathetic nervoussystem is the rest and relax.
So when we do our breathingexercises, what we're doing is
we're actually controlling ourheart rate variability and we're
making that line much moresmooth, and so what we can do is
(21:14):
you know, a lot of people havetheir different techniques, but
mine is based off of heart mathand it's really to focus.
I mean, do you want to do it?
We could do it.
Do a simple one.
Right now.
I can just describe it to youLike I just closed my eyes and
what we want to do is, as webreathe we might want to breathe
a little bit slower and deeperthan usual and what we want to
(21:40):
focus is in and out of our heart, and that's allowing kind of
some extra space to activatethat part of the nervous system.
And what we can do is actuallyan attitude shift.
So if we were coming into thehouse and we're feeling stressed
(22:01):
and anxious and we start tobreathe through our heart, we
can create an attitude shift.
So if we want to focus on beingmore calm, all we're going to
do is just think of the wordcalm and feel the calm in our
body.
Like you can actually generatean emotion in your body
artificially and then it becomesreal.
If you imagine, like, what doescalm feel like in your body?
(22:24):
And suddenly, like, as I'msaying this, I'm like, oh, like
I can feel my body getting alittle more calm and feel kind
of like my arms and legs gettinga little more calm and
continuing on just focusing onthat breath in and out through
the heart.
And when we feel truly calm andconnected with that new
attitude shift that we want tohave, then we can open our eyes
(22:48):
and be ready to go.
Speaker 2 (22:52):
I need two more minutes.
I'm just joking.
Speaker 3 (22:55):
Like very rushed version.
Ideally that would be muchlonger.
Speaker 2 (22:58):
Yes, no, seriously, that was fantastic, it really
was.
I've not done that whereliterally, like you just did it,
where you think of the wordcalm and so forth.
That was fantastic, thank you.
Speaker 3 (23:10):
Yes, you're very welcome.
Yeah, and it could be anyattitude you want, right Like if
we're going from this emotion,we just choose what we want.
And it's like if I were to tellyou right now, guess what, you
just won the lottery a milliondollars.
Your body would instantly beexcited, right, like you're.
That is how quickly you canchange an emotion, and really
you can.
You can pick whatever attitudeor emotion you want to generate
(23:34):
in your body and, yes, sometimesit might feel a little forced
and it feels a little contrivedat first, but you can get
yourself there right With just alittle more breathing.
If you imagine it and you canfeel it in your nervous system,
then you can become it.
Speaker 2 (23:46):
Yeah, fantastic, truly.
And let me just add, if I canthe more you do an exercise like
this, the more you build themuscle.
Like you don't go into a gymand come out looking like Arnold
Schwarzenegger with one try.
You know, the more you workthese exercises um, the the
easier they get and the moreeffective they're going to be as
well.
Speaker 3 (24:06):
So in fact, I have um I don't want to spend too much
time on this topic if you wantto switch topics, but I actually
have this um heart ratevariability monitor for people
who are really interested inthis and this actually just
clips on.
Actually, it's been a whilesince I used it.
Oh, it's, this piece clips onmy your earlobe and so it
measures your and it connects toyour phone and so you can
actually measure your heart ratevariability and it connects to
(24:27):
your phone and so you canactually measure your heart rate
variability.
And yes, they say like the moreyou use it, the better you get
at it and you can become quickerat regulating your heart rate
variability.
Speaker 2 (24:35):
Oh cool.
And so the show's not justabout tips, it's about tech as
well.
Speaker 3 (24:39):
Yes, exactly Little did you know.
Speaker 2 (24:43):
No seriously.
Thank you for sharing that.
I do want to touch base.
We got about five minutes left.
I want to touch base on trust.
I think it's super, superimportant.
So, whether you're just tryingto build more trust or you, know
(25:05):
, you're out of the trust circleor whatever it is from that
movie that's so true.
More trust, right?
So give us some thoughts onrebuilding trust or just
building it in the first place.
But my heart says let's talkabout rebuilding even more.
So, if you can.
Speaker 3 (25:20):
That's where I was wanting to start.
I was hoping you'd say that.
So here's the thing we'reparents and we all mess up.
Right, we mess up all the time,and so that's where we break
trust or rapport with our kids.
And the number one tip is toacknowledge it, and that might
(25:40):
mean, after we've had a chance,say you have a big blow-up fight
or whatever kind of breach oftrust it might be.
First we get emotionallyregulated, we do our breathing,
maybe we do our attitude shiftand then we go Once our teenager
has also.
I believe in a cooling offperiod.
I'm a big advocate of evengetting your heart rate down to
under 100 beats per minute sothat you can be.
(26:03):
You know, there's three partsof our brain and we get into our
like lizard brain and it's justthat very reactive.
And once we come back onlineand our prefrontal cortex is
back online, we go to ourteenager and we say, hey, I
messed up.
And then we apologize, and thenwe ask for a redo.
And so you know, I'm so sorry.
I yelled back there, um, that,that was my stuff coming in.
(26:26):
I had a stressful day.
I didn't mean to put my stressonto you.
I apologize.
Is there.
Any way we could have anotherversion of this conversation
that is, a more positive version, and ask can we redo this?
Speaker 2 (26:41):
Absolutely, absolutely love that.
And I just want to you know,point out something.
You know, point out somethingwhen you do that with your child
, when you do that with anybodyI found as a leader, whether
it's your business, whether it'syour spouse, your anybody when
you admit I'm not perfect, Imake mistakes and then you show
(27:02):
how to to to rebuild that or toto heal that with respect to the
other person, not only are theygoing to learn that, or to heal
that with respect to the otherperson, not only are they going
to learn that skill because theyrespect it, but they respect it
.
And it changes the game in therelationship when somebody says,
hey, you know what, if they'rewrong, or they feel they're
(27:25):
wrong, or they want to talkabout this, they're going to
talk about it with me andthey're going to come back and
we can repair this.
And I think that's one of themost important things.
That and my one of them mostimportant things a parent can
teach generationally down theline in your family, to teach
your children.
Speaker 3 (27:45):
I 100% agree and you know, if we had more time I
would go into the four parentingstyles.
But there is one specificparenting style because it's
like a quadrant and you know.
There's the helicopter style,where we're very permissive, we
let our kid do everythingbecause we want them to be happy
.
There's the avoidance style,where they're just like kind of
out of touch emotionally, andthen there's the authoritarian
(28:07):
and they're like the rules andthe dictator and that is where
the most trust is broken withthat parenting.
Well, they're broken with allof them.
But you know, with that style,because they're so used to
wanting respect and wanting tobe in control, and so when that
type of parent can say, hey, Imessed up and have some
vulnerability, that will just doso much for that relationship
(28:31):
to rebuild and repair.
And if they can kind of keepdoing that over and over again,
I mean massive night and daychange, I would say.
Speaker 2 (28:38):
Yeah, and thank you for saying that.
I absolutely think it'sfantastic.
I would say that when you'redoing doing that, you're
building trust, even more sobecause your, your child, your
again spouse anybody in yourlife knows that, hey, they may
be upset about something rightnow, but they're going to come
(28:59):
back and we're going to have aconversation yeah, yeah I think
that goes a long way.
Yeah, very cool.
All right, we are out of time,we're going to go a little bit
over.
That's okay, because you knowwhat.
We own the place.
So here.
So, laura, first of all, how dopeople reach out to you, and I
heard that you may be offeringsome really cool things.
I'd really like you to talkabout that, if we can.
Speaker 3 (29:20):
Absolutely so.
I have a free download foranybody who you know it's, for
anybody who wants it, and so theway to get that is going to my
website, which is positivelyhealthy, coachingcom.
And if you put in slash vets, Imade it vets just for you guys
who are the vets are listening.
And the free download is calledfive tips to cracking the
(29:41):
parent code and that just goes alot deeper into what you know.
We only had so much time today,but that goes just a lot deeper
and it's step-by-step.
And on top of that that, onceyou get that download, it'll
take you to the next page on mywebsite, which is my parenting
course, and I did a hugediscount.
Normally I I sell it for $197and I literally made it $20 for
(30:05):
the Vets and the and thediscount code is just Vets,
again right on there.
And so if you purchase it isamazing course, it is so helpful
and it's specifically forparents of teens and tweens and
it focuses just a lot onbuilding that relationship,
building the connection,building communication, having
understanding and empathy foryour teenager.
And then also the very lastmodule is about kind of building
(30:28):
leadership skills in them, andthat even goes into talking
about bullying and kind ofmaking sure your child is the
empathetic, caring person andnot the bully out there, because
we're seeing so much of thatthese days.
So again, it's justpositivelyhealthycoachingcom.
Slash vets and you'll find thatfree guide.
Speaker 2 (30:46):
Awesome, thank you, and Susan, my amazing wife, put
that up so everybody can get it.
Oh, perfect, and it's in theFacebook page as well.
And, laura, if you do seeanywhere else of social media,
please throw it in there as well.
Speaker 3 (30:59):
Oh, I will, and thank you.
Speaker 2 (31:01):
That is so generous and amazing that you did that
for our listeners.
Speaker 3 (31:06):
Well, absolutely.
I mean, it would really be myhonor if they took this course
and I wanted to just make itextremely accessible.
So I lowered the price and Ijust want to say I didn't make
it free, because people don't dofree courses.
I can tell you like they don'tvalue it.
They might start it and be like, oh, I got a free course and
then they don't finish it, andso when you have to put some
skin in the game, then you takeit more seriously, and I really
(31:29):
do want people to take thisseriously, and it's not for,
it's for anybody, it's not justfor vets to take their
relationship with their teenagerseriously, because you only get
one shot on this and, um, youknow, as you know, they're,
they're, they are out of thenest before we know it.
Speaker 2 (31:43):
Yeah, that is true, right, Um and and.
And I agree 100%.
Whenever you're doing coaching,that kind of thing, if there's
no skin in the game, peopledon't take it as seriously.
So, $20, everybody's not a lotof skin, so think about taking
that.
So, with that said, I want tojust thank you again for being
on.
(32:03):
If we can get three tips to getveterans further faster, that
would be great.
If we can get three tips to getveterans further faster, that
would be great.
Speaker 3 (32:10):
Yes, further, faster.
Those are the three thingsSelf-awareness what kind of
parent are you showing up as?
Emotionally regulatedRegulation, getting yourself
calm and centered, and thenempathetic listening and
communication with your teenager.
Speaker 2 (32:26):
Fantastic and truly.
Those are game changers, thoseare literally game changers and
start when they're, when they'refree.
Whatever the case may be, don'twait until they're teens.
So, anyway, I just wanted againto thank you for being on the
show.
Time is the most preciousresource we have.
We do not get it back as humanbeings.
Thank you for spending some ofyour life and time with us.
(32:48):
It is greatly appreciated tospread these resources for our
mission.
Speaker 3 (32:52):
Thank you, Michael, so much.
I really appreciate being here.
Speaker 2 (32:55):
Absolutely, and we'll definitely have you back on.
We have four pillars to gothrough, four styles of
parenting to go through.
Speaker 3 (33:01):
You can spend a whole nother show on all those things
.
Speaker 2 (33:04):
Yes, Excellent, All right, everybody.
On that note, we're out of here.
Bye guys.
Speaker 3 (33:07):
Yes, excellent, all right, everybody On that note,
we're out of here.
Speaker 1 (33:10):
Thank you for joining us on another insightful
journey of your thoughts yourreality podcast with your host,
michael Cole.
We hope the conversationsparked some thoughts that
resonate with you.
To dive deeper into empoweringyour thoughts and enhancing your
reality, visit empowerperformance strategiescom.
Remember your thoughts shapeyour reality, so make them count
(33:31):
.
Until next time, stay inspiredand keep creating the reality
you desire.
Catch you on the next episode.
Welcome to your Thoughts, your Reality with
Michael Cole, the podcast thatshines a compassionate light on
the journey of veterans battlingthrough life's challenges.
Michael is a dual elitecertified neuro encoding
specialist in coaching andkeynote training presentations
dedicated to guiding militaryveterans as they navigate the
intricate pathways of postdeployment life.
(00:23):
Join him as we delve into theprofound realm of neuroencoding
science, empowering these braveindividuals to conquer universal
battles procrastination,self-doubt, fear and more.
Together, let's uncover thestrength within you to re-engage
with families and society,forging a new path forward.
Speaker 2 (00:47):
Well, hello, hello everybody.
Yes, we're back on again Sameday, a couple minutes later.
We have amazing Laura Olingeron here today, and you know
Laura is an empowering coach anddedicated mother of four
teenagers.
She has been running her owncoaching business for over three
years, helping parents andteens thrive in their
relationships.
(01:07):
She's deeply passionate aboutpersonal growth, empowerment and
fostering healthy livingpractices for families, and I'm
really excited to have thisconversation today.
Her expertise lies in improvingcommunication, building trust
and creating meaningfulconnections between parents and
their children, so super excitedto have you on, laura.
Why don't you tell us a littlebit more about yourself?
Speaker 3 (01:29):
Sure, thank you so much, michael.
So yes, mom of four teenagers,I've got two in high school, two
in middle school.
I'm in Austin, texas.
I've been here for 16 years butoriginally from the Midwest St
Louis, missouri and then wentthrough Boston for a while.
So I just am extremelypassionate about helping parents
(01:49):
and teenagers.
It started several years ago.
I was starting a new career andback in school I got my
master's in health and wellnesseducation and I also became a
certified, a national boardcertified health coach, health
and wellness coach.
And around that time is when,unfortunately, very tragically,
my nephew took his own life.
(02:11):
And that was just this massivewake up call to me Maybe realize
that it can happen to anybody,it can happen to any family,
anywhere, anytime.
It's just, you know, obviouslyextremely just, unexpected.
And at that time,simultaneously my daughter what
my oldest daughter was having alot of anxiety at the time.
(02:34):
And then you know that happenedand it quadrupled and I just
thought, you know, originally mypassion was to help stressed
out moms.
That was kind of my focus.
And then, when all these thingshappen, I realized, wait a
second.
I think my calling is really tohelp the teenagers too, and so
that's when I kind of combinedmy approach and I decided I
wanted to help both parents andteens.
Speaker 2 (02:55):
Yeah, that's, that's absolutely fantastic.
And I mean, when you, when youlook at it, you know obviously
I'm a parent, I'm a grandparentand all that fun stuff.
I, looking back, I mean you'realways questioning, right, as a
parent, you know you trydifferent things and those
backfire and some things workand so on.
So you know, I think whatyou're doing for families is
(03:16):
just absolutely fantastic.
So you know, I am so happyyou're on the show.
Speaker 3 (03:23):
Thank you.
No, no, I'm excited to be herejust because I know who your
audience is and I'm thinking, ohmy gosh, I just am excited to
share some things today,whatever you know they're
needing to hear.
So, yes, I'm totally excited tohave this conversation.
Speaker 2 (03:38):
Fantastic and anybody listening, you know.
Feel free to comment on theirquestions.
If you have something, you havesomething that we can talk
about.
But, again, we have half anhour and I have a lot of
questions myself.
So, if we can, just before weget started, on the top right
corner of your screen there's ablue QR code that takes you to
empowerperformancestrategiescomAgain,
(04:00):
empowerperformancestrategiescom.
There are free e-books for bothfamilies and veterans that I've
written.
There are Facebook groups,again for veterans and separate
ones for their families.
Please be part of the communityand part of the mission.
It's so important just to growthis mission and come together
and be connected, so pleasecheck that out, all right, with
(04:21):
that said, what do you think isone of the biggest barriers
parents face when trying toconnect with their teens today?
Speaker 3 (04:30):
Great question.
So I think it's a broad questionand there's so many different
types of people andpersonalities out there, so I
think it's like kind of one oftwo things potentially.
One is there's this like forcedapproach, where I've seen a lot
of times moms, specifically withtheir sons, desperately want to
(04:50):
have a connection in arelationship while their sons
are teenagers.
And it's kind of like there'sthis the visual that comes to
mind is like you know a turtlewhen they go into their shell,
and it's like the more the momis like knocking, like come on,
talk to me, let's hang out,let's be cool, you know the more
that the, the son a lot oftimes goes into their shell and
tightens up.
(05:11):
And so I think when it's justsuch a forced approach, that's
something that the parents needto look at and like figure out
what their role is in that andfigure out how can they like
back up a little bit, give theirteenager a little more space,
let them come out of theirturtle shell and not make it
feel so overwhelming.
And then the second thing isthen there's kind of the
(05:33):
opposite end of the spectrumwhere maybe they do have a good
relationship, except that a lotof parents are just very
reactive.
They have like this real likeshort fuse and they're like you
did what you went, where youmade, what grade you know.
There's this like kind ofoverwhelming, and it's funny
because both approaches are alittle bit overwhelming for the
(05:55):
teenager.
And so that parent too can backup and figure out.
You know how can I be morecurious about who my teenager is
developing into as a human andwhat they're up to these days?
Right, like kind of, instead oflike, yeah, you know that kind
(06:15):
of whole, like, it's like thatscreechy voice is what comes to
mind, you know that nagging, butit's like how can you just like
emotionally regulate yourselfand develop that relationship in
more of a regulated fashion?
Speaker 2 (06:28):
I love that and you know, no one I don't think
anyone I know ever appreciatesthat Right, that in your face,
you know it's.
It has to be walls down, goodcommunication and in a good
headspace, I think, foreverybody, for things to really
have just great conversations.
(06:48):
Can we talk about that a littlebit?
I think communication, youwould agree, is probably one of
the most important parts of it.
I don't do what you do, but asa human being I think that's
kind of natural.
So what kind of role and ortips would you say?
Coming from again, maybe aveteran transitioning back to,
reintegrating back into civilianlife?
(07:10):
You know, there's always thishoneymoon period, right, the
patterns are the same, storiesare different, patterns are
pretty much always the same,I've found.
And so there's a honeymoonperiod and then be life in, like
Les Brown tells us.
So what are some thoughts ofmaybe just that opening that
communication back up in a realway?
Speaker 3 (07:29):
That is such another man, great question.
So again, I think that there'skind of like multiple approaches
and so there's kind of what Iwould say is like the verbal
communication which was whatmost of us think of
communication being.
So maybe I start with that andthen move into the second part.
That first part withcommunication is to have that
(07:50):
kind of curious mindset, like ifyou've been deployed and you're
coming back and you're like,wow, I really want to get to
know who my child is.
Now it's kind of being curiousand it's not always, I think a
lot of times people think it hasto be these big, big things,
big topics, like you know, andwe start like kind of like
(08:13):
battering our children withquestions like what do you like
now?
What are you into, what's yourfavorite movie, what's your
favorite sport, who's yourfavorite teacher, all these
things.
And it's like like again, adown a notch and just just like
take it into little, likesmaller pieces, like bite sized
pieces, and just kind of keepingthose questions really open
ended, especially with teenagers.
(08:33):
You know there's classic howwas your day?
Fine, right, and so just kindof, first of all, learning that
open ended communication, youknow it could be what was the
best part of your day today,what was the worst part of your
day today, what was the funniestpart of your day?
Or, you know, did you laugh orwhat was funny today?
(08:55):
Kind of open-ended and on thelistening side there's a couple
pieces to listening, but thatkind of empathetic listening
where if our child is having abig emotion about something, we
really want to just validatethat and say, oh, I can see why
you're so mad that you got an Fon your math test.
(09:19):
That makes sense that you wouldbe so upset about that.
And we're not fixing it right,we're just validating.
We're kind of having empathy.
You know other big emotions, oh, you know, and kind of we want
to match them.
If they're excited aboutsomething and they got an A or
they scored the goal or thetouchdown or whatever, oh my
gosh, that's amazing, right,like we want to match that
(09:41):
energy.
And it's very disappointingwhen a child has like really
good news and they're so excitedand the parents like, oh,
that's great, right, it's likeit's very dismissive to the
child and so, whether it's apositive emotion or negative
emotion, we kind of want tomatch that and then also kind of
verbally say, you know, oh, Ican see why you're so excited
about this.
You worked so hard on thatproject, right, excited about
(10:06):
this, you worked so hard on thatproject, right.
And kind of there's that growthmindset where it's not like
your innate talents, where thatchild is a genius and they're
actually talented.
We want to focus on like thework they put in, the effort,
the concentration, theimprovement right, because
that's where you know itactually starts to build their
self-esteem when they hear aparent validating that.
(10:28):
And then there's this likenonverbal part I want to shift
into a little bit, which issometimes, you know, again,
there's a lot of teenagers whoand I believe it or not, because
I'm a very chatty person now,believe it or not, when I was a
teenager I didn't really want totalk a lot to my parents.
I didn't think they understoodme and I didn't know how to
(10:50):
express myself in a way thatfelt like a good, safe
communication for me, withoutlike feeling judged, and so
sometimes there's just this,what you know, how little girls
play very interactively, likethey play dolls together, and
boys have that more parallelplay where like boys like to go
fishing and like just not talkright, like they could just be
(11:12):
out all day, or you go out tothe golf course and that you get
back and like, oh, what'd youguys talk about?
What do you mean?
We were just golfing.
There's not a lot of right.
And so sometimes you need tomatch your child, whether it's a
son or daughter, and whetheryou're a mom or a dad, with what
feels right for them, and it'smaybe they like to play video
(11:33):
games.
Maybe you sit down and you playa video game with them, like,
instead of being mad, like, stopplaying video games.
Hey, how does this video gamework?
Can you show me Can I play withyou?
How does this video game work?
Can you show me can I play withyou?
Right, and so there's a form ofcommunication that's not always
verbal communication, but it'smore the being right.
Speaker 2 (11:50):
There's just being with them and connecting with
them I think, I think both ofthose are absolutely fantastic.
So, um, I'm just gonna, I'mjust gonna say it.
You know, man, they don't wantto be fixed yeah yeah, it's
natural.
Take a breath and just be, justbe present you know, so I think
(12:12):
that those are some reallyimportant things that you talked
about with.
You know it's not just verbal.
You know different, differentuh, teenagers, kids, humans in
general, they, they receive lovein different ways, right,
sometimes it Sometimes it's ahug, sometimes it's saying
you're proud of them, sometimesit's just being involved for a
minute or playing a video game,like you said, just so they feel
(12:33):
the presence and that you'represent for them and they're
being seen.
Would you say that's accurate?
Speaker 3 (12:40):
Oh, 100%, 100%, In fact, a lot of times.
There's Gary Chapman's book,the Five Love Languages.
I'm not sure if you're familiarwith the book, but it is the
physical touch, the acts ofservice, gifts, and so there's
five things.
Well, on his website there is aquiz for teenagers and you can
just take it for your teenager,or, if your teenagers are very
(13:02):
cooperative, they can take itthemselves, and so that way you
can actually find out what yourteenager's love language is.
And, like you're saying,another form of communication is
not always verbal, it's theseother things, but what your
overall, the overallcommunication is that you love
them, you're there for them,you're present for them, and
that's what you're communicatingthrough these different methods
(13:24):
.
Speaker 2 (13:25):
That's fantastic.
I know the book.
I did not know about that test,so that's, that's absolutely
fantastic.
I mean, and that's it, withanybody coaching, or as a parent
, I mean we're coaches in asense, right.
Just, you know, so just havingthese extra little tips and
skills I think is worth abillion dollars.
(13:45):
I mean it's literally pricelessto be able to go in and make it
fun, right?
If you can get your child to behonest and do the test, you're
going to get a lot further thanyour perception doing it for
them.
Speaker 3 (13:58):
Absolutely, absolutely yeah.
Speaker 2 (14:03):
So let's talk a little more about communication
and slowing it down, because Ithink nowadays human beings
struggle with it, period.
Right it's, we're, go, go, go.
It's social media doomscrolling it's.
You know, we're always so busyin our lives and it's hard for a
lot of people, unless they'vedone the work and know, to slow
(14:25):
down and be present for a minuteto do so.
You know.
So when you, when you give ussome thoughts and tips on how to
slow it down for for both ofyou, so that you can have that
real communication maybe, andand really connect.
Speaker 3 (14:40):
Yes, there's well, there's a bazillion ways.
But what comes to mind is I hadthis.
I was giving a workshop, aparenting workshop, one time,
and this mom stood up and shesaid it was at the end.
And she said I have a question.
And she said all this stuff Ilearned is great, all your
communication stuff is great,but how can I implement it?
(15:02):
Because I'm so stressed outwith my job.
She worked with teenagers Idon't know if she was a teacher,
but I think she was a teacherand she said but then I have to
walk into my house at the end ofthe day and deal with all their
stuff.
And I said okay, so first weneed to like emotionally
regulate and then we need toform the identity.
(15:23):
So I said even if you have tosit in your car for five minutes
when you get home before youwalk in the door and you know
that there's hungry teenagersinside or a hungry husband or
whoever is waiting for you, andif you can take five minutes and
I had taught several I'mcertified in I'm a heart math
practitioner, which is anonprofit organization to
(15:47):
develop emotional regulationskills, and it uses the heart's
intelligence and it's justbreathing.
If you can just breathe.
I mean, we could go throughsome breathing exercises, I
imagine.
Which is I said who do you needto be in this moment?
(16:11):
Right, who do you need to bewhen you walk in this door and
you know I need to be calm, Ineed to be centered, I need to
be present, I need to be mom,not teacher, and then just focus
on that.
And she I think she, herchildren, were very challenging
children and I said, okay, howcan you rise to the occasion to
be that mom for your kids inright now?
(16:34):
And she was like, oh, okay, andit made sense, it clicked to
her, right.
And so sometimes it's just thatslow it down, connect with your
body, center yourself, feelgrounded.
You know there's a bazillion,you know mindfulness tips these
days, just on YouTube andeverywhere.
But then, instead of focusingon what you don't want to do
(16:54):
like I don't want to scream, Idon't want to yell, I don't want
to be tempered focus on what,who, what you do want to do and
who you do need to be.
Speaker 2 (17:10):
I want to be calm, I want to be a relaxed mom and
present with my children.
Yeah, you know those, so many,so many golden nuggets in that,
just what you just said in thatlast three minutes or whatever
it was.
So it brought up something Iwant.
I want to add as well Ourfriends, david Yoloa, with the
Warriors and Queens, they workwith husbands and wives.
You know, and so you know, oneof the things that they've
talked about they've been on theshow multiple times is have a
transition period.
(17:31):
You know so that five minutes,like you said, and that's what
clicked.
Let let you know your spouse orwhatever the case is.
Let them know that when I comehome, I'm going to be out in the
car for five minutes.
I, you know, I, I'm notnothing's wrong, everything's
okay.
I'm just needed a couple ofminutes in me time.
You know so that everybody knows, and when, when that transition
(17:56):
period can happen, when you'recoming home from work or
whatever the case may be, itreally can change the game,
because then you, like Laurasaid and I do want you to talk
about some breathing exercisesfor a second you really do just
slow down and you know whenyou're frantic and you walk into
a, everybody feels the energylike you're saying right, so
(18:19):
you're going in there and you'regoing in that wrong headspace.
It just starts creating chaosand the whole, the whole house
can spin out of control in asense, you know.
And then of course no one'sbeing seen and no one.
You know all those beautifulthings that can happen when
someone's excited to see.
So can you just for a second,maybe talk about that just a
little bit more?
And then I'd like to talk aboutthe breathing exercises.
Just maybe give one, just solisteners have that.
Speaker 3 (18:41):
I would love to.
And, as you were saying that,what came to mind is you know,
parents are leaders and a lot oftimes moms specifically we
don't identify.
Like I know I didn't identifymyself as a leader until I was
actually taking a leadershipclass in my master's program and
(19:01):
I'm like, wait a second, I leadfour people every day.
Because it said like, who doyou lead, who are you in charge
of?
And I'm like what I neverthought of myself and if you can
have that identity of, I am theleader and therefore leaders
lead and we are responsible forthe environment in the home.
So, just because a parent hashad a bad or stressful day, and
I just wanna say I reallyappreciate veterans Like I I I
(19:27):
have never been one, so I can'tput myself in the shoes per se,
but I can, in my mind, imagineand appreciate, kind of what
they're dealing with, especiallyif they're reintegrating back
into their families and so yeah,so let's get to.
So part of that is like cominginto the home and like setting
this tone and setting theenvironment and if you want to
(19:48):
have a calm environment, that itis up to you and so getting
into that breathing stuff.
So the science of it is there'sit's called heart rate
variability and that's basicallylike the amount of time in
between each heart beat, and ina healthy sense we want that to
actually fluctuate.
(20:08):
And we want it to fluctuatethough in a very like steady,
even tone and kind of like niceand smooth, like a nice little
fun roller coaster.
And there's all this sciencethat shows when you've got
stress and anxiety and overwhelm, your heart rate variability
actually goes down.
But the lines on the little EKGchart is like very jaggedy,
(20:29):
like this, and so that's theequivalent of like hitting your
gas and your brake at the sametime of your car.
It's just like extremelyinefficient, like it's like, so
like jaggedy, and you're like,oh my gosh, I'm getting whiplash
Right, and that's why peoplebecome more exhausted because
you're burning so much energy,just like your heart rate.
You know it's all connected toyour nervous system.
(20:49):
So yeah, so we want to get moreconnected into.
You know there's the autonomicnervous system.
The sympathetic nervous systemis higher flight in.
The parasympathetic nervoussystem is the rest and relax.
So when we do our breathingexercises, what we're doing is
we're actually controlling ourheart rate variability and we're
making that line much moresmooth, and so what we can do is
(21:14):
you know, a lot of people havetheir different techniques, but
mine is based off of heart mathand it's really to focus.
I mean, do you want to do it?
We could do it.
Do a simple one.
Right now.
I can just describe it to youLike I just closed my eyes and
what we want to do is, as webreathe we might want to breathe
a little bit slower and deeperthan usual and what we want to
(21:40):
focus is in and out of our heart, and that's allowing kind of
some extra space to activatethat part of the nervous system.
And what we can do is actuallyan attitude shift.
So if we were coming into thehouse and we're feeling stressed
(22:01):
and anxious and we start tobreathe through our heart, we
can create an attitude shift.
So if we want to focus on beingmore calm, all we're going to
do is just think of the wordcalm and feel the calm in our
body.
Like you can actually generatean emotion in your body
artificially and then it becomesreal.
If you imagine, like, what doescalm feel like in your body?
(22:24):
And suddenly, like, as I'msaying this, I'm like, oh, like
I can feel my body getting alittle more calm and feel kind
of like my arms and legs gettinga little more calm and
continuing on just focusing onthat breath in and out through
the heart.
And when we feel truly calm andconnected with that new
attitude shift that we want tohave, then we can open our eyes
(22:48):
and be ready to go.
Speaker 2 (22:52):
I need two more minutes.
I'm just joking.
Speaker 3 (22:55):
Like very rushed version.
Ideally that would be muchlonger.
Speaker 2 (22:58):
Yes, no, seriously, that was fantastic, it really
was.
I've not done that whereliterally, like you just did it,
where you think of the wordcalm and so forth.
That was fantastic, thank you.
Speaker 3 (23:10):
Yes, you're very welcome.
Yeah, and it could be anyattitude you want, right Like if
we're going from this emotion,we just choose what we want.
And it's like if I were to tellyou right now, guess what, you
just won the lottery a milliondollars.
Your body would instantly beexcited, right, like you're.
That is how quickly you canchange an emotion, and really
you can.
You can pick whatever attitudeor emotion you want to generate
(23:34):
in your body and, yes, sometimesit might feel a little forced
and it feels a little contrivedat first, but you can get
yourself there right With just alittle more breathing.
If you imagine it and you canfeel it in your nervous system,
then you can become it.
Speaker 2 (23:46):
Yeah, fantastic, truly.
And let me just add, if I canthe more you do an exercise like
this, the more you build themuscle.
Like you don't go into a gymand come out looking like Arnold
Schwarzenegger with one try.
You know, the more you workthese exercises um, the the
easier they get and the moreeffective they're going to be as
well.
Speaker 3 (24:06):
So in fact, I have um I don't want to spend too much
time on this topic if you wantto switch topics, but I actually
have this um heart ratevariability monitor for people
who are really interested inthis and this actually just
clips on.
Actually, it's been a whilesince I used it.
Oh, it's, this piece clips onmy your earlobe and so it
measures your and it connects toyour phone and so you can
actually measure your heart ratevariability and it connects to
(24:27):
your phone and so you canactually measure your heart rate
variability.
And yes, they say like the moreyou use it, the better you get
at it and you can become quickerat regulating your heart rate
variability.
Speaker 2 (24:35):
Oh cool.
And so the show's not justabout tips, it's about tech as
well.
Speaker 3 (24:39):
Yes, exactly Little did you know.
Speaker 2 (24:43):
No seriously.
Thank you for sharing that.
I do want to touch base.
We got about five minutes left.
I want to touch base on trust.
I think it's super, superimportant.
So, whether you're just tryingto build more trust or you, know
(25:05):
, you're out of the trust circleor whatever it is from that
movie that's so true.
More trust, right?
So give us some thoughts onrebuilding trust or just
building it in the first place.
But my heart says let's talkabout rebuilding even more.
So, if you can.
Speaker 3 (25:20):
That's where I was wanting to start.
I was hoping you'd say that.
So here's the thing we'reparents and we all mess up.
Right, we mess up all the time,and so that's where we break
trust or rapport with our kids.
And the number one tip is toacknowledge it, and that might
(25:40):
mean, after we've had a chance,say you have a big blow-up fight
or whatever kind of breach oftrust it might be.
First we get emotionallyregulated, we do our breathing,
maybe we do our attitude shiftand then we go Once our teenager
has also.
I believe in a cooling offperiod.
I'm a big advocate of evengetting your heart rate down to
under 100 beats per minute sothat you can be.
(26:03):
You know, there's three partsof our brain and we get into our
like lizard brain and it's justthat very reactive.
And once we come back onlineand our prefrontal cortex is
back online, we go to ourteenager and we say, hey, I
messed up.
And then we apologize, and thenwe ask for a redo.
And so you know, I'm so sorry.
I yelled back there, um, that,that was my stuff coming in.
(26:26):
I had a stressful day.
I didn't mean to put my stressonto you.
I apologize.
Is there.
Any way we could have anotherversion of this conversation
that is, a more positive version, and ask can we redo this?
Speaker 2 (26:41):
Absolutely, absolutely love that.
And I just want to you know,point out something.
You know, point out somethingwhen you do that with your child
, when you do that with anybodyI found as a leader, whether
it's your business, whether it'syour spouse, your anybody when
you admit I'm not perfect, Imake mistakes and then you show
(27:02):
how to to to rebuild that or toto heal that with respect to the
other person, not only are theygoing to learn that, or to heal
that with respect to the otherperson, not only are they going
to learn that skill because theyrespect it, but they respect it
.
And it changes the game in therelationship when somebody says,
hey, you know what, if they'rewrong, or they feel they're
(27:25):
wrong, or they want to talkabout this, they're going to
talk about it with me andthey're going to come back and
we can repair this.
And I think that's one of themost important things.
That and my one of them mostimportant things a parent can
teach generationally down theline in your family, to teach
your children.
Speaker 3 (27:45):
I 100% agree and you know, if we had more time I
would go into the four parentingstyles.
But there is one specificparenting style because it's
like a quadrant and you know.
There's the helicopter style,where we're very permissive, we
let our kid do everythingbecause we want them to be happy
.
There's the avoidance style,where they're just like kind of
out of touch emotionally, andthen there's the authoritarian
(28:07):
and they're like the rules andthe dictator and that is where
the most trust is broken withthat parenting.
Well, they're broken with allof them.
But you know, with that style,because they're so used to
wanting respect and wanting tobe in control, and so when that
type of parent can say, hey, Imessed up and have some
vulnerability, that will just doso much for that relationship
(28:31):
to rebuild and repair.
And if they can kind of keepdoing that over and over again,
I mean massive night and daychange, I would say.
Speaker 2 (28:38):
Yeah, and thank you for saying that.
I absolutely think it'sfantastic.
I would say that when you'redoing doing that, you're
building trust, even more sobecause your, your child, your
again spouse anybody in yourlife knows that, hey, they may
be upset about something rightnow, but they're going to come
(28:59):
back and we're going to have aconversation yeah, yeah I think
that goes a long way.
Yeah, very cool.
All right, we are out of time,we're going to go a little bit
over.
That's okay, because you knowwhat.
We own the place.
So here.
So, laura, first of all, how dopeople reach out to you, and I
heard that you may be offeringsome really cool things.
I'd really like you to talkabout that, if we can.
Speaker 3 (29:20):
Absolutely so.
I have a free download foranybody who you know it's, for
anybody who wants it, and so theway to get that is going to my
website, which is positivelyhealthy, coachingcom.
And if you put in slash vets, Imade it vets just for you guys
who are the vets are listening.
And the free download is calledfive tips to cracking the
(29:41):
parent code and that just goes alot deeper into what you know.
We only had so much time today,but that goes just a lot deeper
and it's step-by-step.
And on top of that that, onceyou get that download, it'll
take you to the next page on mywebsite, which is my parenting
course, and I did a hugediscount.
Normally I I sell it for $197and I literally made it $20 for
(30:05):
the Vets and the and thediscount code is just Vets,
again right on there.
And so if you purchase it isamazing course, it is so helpful
and it's specifically forparents of teens and tweens and
it focuses just a lot onbuilding that relationship,
building the connection,building communication, having
understanding and empathy foryour teenager.
And then also the very lastmodule is about kind of building
(30:28):
leadership skills in them, andthat even goes into talking
about bullying and kind ofmaking sure your child is the
empathetic, caring person andnot the bully out there, because
we're seeing so much of thatthese days.
So again, it's justpositivelyhealthycoachingcom.
Slash vets and you'll find thatfree guide.
Speaker 2 (30:46):
Awesome, thank you, and Susan, my amazing wife, put
that up so everybody can get it.
Oh, perfect, and it's in theFacebook page as well.
And, laura, if you do seeanywhere else of social media,
please throw it in there as well.
Speaker 3 (30:59):
Oh, I will, and thank you.
Speaker 2 (31:01):
That is so generous and amazing that you did that
for our listeners.
Speaker 3 (31:06):
Well, absolutely.
I mean, it would really be myhonor if they took this course
and I wanted to just make itextremely accessible.
So I lowered the price and Ijust want to say I didn't make
it free, because people don't dofree courses.
I can tell you like they don'tvalue it.
They might start it and be like, oh, I got a free course and
then they don't finish it, andso when you have to put some
skin in the game, then you takeit more seriously, and I really
(31:29):
do want people to take thisseriously, and it's not for,
it's for anybody, it's not justfor vets to take their
relationship with their teenagerseriously, because you only get
one shot on this and, um, youknow, as you know, they're,
they're, they are out of thenest before we know it.
Speaker 2 (31:43):
Yeah, that is true, right, Um and and.
And I agree 100%.
Whenever you're doing coaching,that kind of thing, if there's
no skin in the game, peopledon't take it as seriously.
So, $20, everybody's not a lotof skin, so think about taking
that.
So, with that said, I want tojust thank you again for being
on.
(32:03):
If we can get three tips to getveterans further faster, that
would be great.
If we can get three tips to getveterans further faster, that
would be great.
Speaker 3 (32:10):
Yes, further, faster.
Those are the three thingsSelf-awareness what kind of
parent are you showing up as?
Emotionally regulatedRegulation, getting yourself
calm and centered, and thenempathetic listening and
communication with your teenager.
Speaker 2 (32:26):
Fantastic and truly.
Those are game changers, thoseare literally game changers and
start when they're, when they'refree.
Whatever the case may be, don'twait until they're teens.
So, anyway, I just wanted againto thank you for being on the
show.
Time is the most preciousresource we have.
We do not get it back as humanbeings.
Thank you for spending some ofyour life and time with us.
(32:48):
It is greatly appreciated tospread these resources for our
mission.
Speaker 3 (32:52):
Thank you, Michael, so much.
I really appreciate being here.
Speaker 2 (32:55):
Absolutely, and we'll definitely have you back on.
We have four pillars to gothrough, four styles of
parenting to go through.
Speaker 3 (33:01):
You can spend a whole nother show on all those things
.
Speaker 2 (33:04):
Yes, Excellent, All right, everybody.
On that note, we're out of here.
Bye guys.
Speaker 3 (33:07):
Yes, excellent, all right, everybody On that note,
we're out of here.
Speaker 1 (33:10):
Thank you for joining us on another insightful
journey of your thoughts yourreality podcast with your host,
michael Cole.
We hope the conversationsparked some thoughts that
resonate with you.
To dive deeper into empoweringyour thoughts and enhancing your
reality, visit empowerperformance strategiescom.
Remember your thoughts shapeyour reality, so make them count
(33:31):
.
Until next time, stay inspiredand keep creating the reality
you desire.
Catch you on the next episode.
Popular Podcasts
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
I’m Jay Shetty host of On Purpose the worlds #1 Mental Health podcast and I’m so grateful you found us. I started this podcast 5 years ago to invite you into conversations and workshops that are designed to help make you happier, healthier and more healed. I believe that when you (yes you) feel seen, heard and understood you’re able to deal with relationship struggles, work challenges and life’s ups and downs with more ease and grace. I interview experts, celebrities, thought leaders and athletes so that we can grow our mindset, build better habits and uncover a side of them we’ve never seen before. New episodes every Monday and Friday. Your support means the world to me and I don’t take it for granted — click the follow button and leave a review to help us spread the love with On Purpose. I can’t wait for you to listen to your first or 500th episode!
Crime Junkie
Does hearing about a true crime case always leave you scouring the internet for the truth behind the story? Dive into your next mystery with Crime Junkie. Every Monday, join your host Ashley Flowers as she unravels all the details of infamous and underreported true crime cases with her best friend Brit Prawat. From cold cases to missing persons and heroes in our community who seek justice, Crime Junkie is your destination for theories and stories you won’t hear anywhere else. Whether you're a seasoned true crime enthusiast or new to the genre, you'll find yourself on the edge of your seat awaiting a new episode every Monday. If you can never get enough true crime... Congratulations, you’ve found your people. Follow to join a community of Crime Junkies! Crime Junkie is presented by audiochuck Media Company.
Ridiculous History
History is beautiful, brutal and, often, ridiculous. Join Ben Bowlin and Noel Brown as they dive into some of the weirdest stories from across the span of human civilization in Ridiculous History, a podcast by iHeartRadio.