April 21, 2025 • 21 mins
If you grew up with a parent who had narcissistic or borderline personality disorder, codependency can sneak into your adult relationships without you even realizing it. What started as a necessary survival strategy—keeping the peace, reading the room, making yourself “easy”—turns into a lifelong pattern of people-pleasing, over-explaining, and walking on eggshells.
In this episode, we unpack the everyday signs of codependent behavior: perfectionism to avoid criticism, guilt when setting boundaries, and the urge to fix other people’s emotions so you don’t have to feel the discomfort of their disappointment or anger.
These aren’t character flaws. They’re protective coping skills from childhood—responses you had to develop in a home where your emotional needs were often dismissed, minimized, or manipulated.
We’ll talk about what it really means to work on codependency, including:
- Letting go of the need to manage other people’s emotions
- Asking for support without apologizing for your needs
- Learning to tolerate discomfort without over-functioning
- Reclaiming trust in your own voice, boundaries, and resilience
→ Want to go deeper? Grab the Before Boundaries Mini-Course, available now on a pay-what-you-can basis at confidentboundaries.com.
→ Subscribe to Bonus Episodes of You're Not Crazy at confidentboundaries.com/bonusepisodes
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Torie Wiksell is a therapist and coach who specializes in working with the adult children of parents with borderline and narcissistic personality disorders. Torie brings a unique perspective having spent years working with clients with personality disorders and growing up with a mother she suspects had NPD with BPD traits. Torie provides online therapy to clients located in WA, OR, and CA, and online coaching internationally.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Torie Wiksell (00:14):
Welcome to You're Not Crazy, a podcast for the
adult children of parents withborderline and narcissistic
personality disorders.
I'm your host, tori Wixel, atherapist and coach with over a
decade of experience in themental health field.
Now let's jump in.
Hi and welcome back to thisweek's episode of You're Not
(00:35):
Crazy.
If you are one of our newlisteners, I want to officially
welcome you to our podcast.
I am so happy to see some newpeople trickling in, getting
messages from people who are newto the podcast and, as always,
I am eternally grateful for ourlongtime listeners as well, who
(00:57):
have been there since thebeginning and continue to help
spread the word of You're NotCrazy.
It's been so cool to see thiscommunity grow, and I'm so glad
that it is continuing to growand help other people feel so
much less alone in theirjourneys.
It's really been an awesome andvery rewarding experience to do
(01:20):
the podcast, so welcome.
A few housekeeping things beforewe dive into the heart of
today's episode One.
I believe last week I talkedabout my new mini course called
Before Boundaries.
I initially had posted it up onconfidentboundariescom for a
small price However small price.
(01:48):
However, I adjusted that andit's now available at
confidentboundariescom for whatI call pay what you can.
So if what you can pay is $0,then go sign up for $0.
If you are able to pay a littlebit more then I appreciate that
as well.
But I just changed that feestructure over there.
So if you haven't taken beforeboundaries, if you are
(02:09):
struggling with boundaries, thatis a course you definitely want
to take.
It is also available in theConfident Boundaries online
community membership in ouron-demand library.
So if you are already a part ofthe Confident Boundaries
community, just head on over tothe On Demand library and you
can find it there.
But I highly recommend you takethat course because it is a
(02:31):
really easily digestible15-minute video where I break
down the differences between BPDand MPD and why these disorders
make boundary settingespecially challenging.
Disorders make boundary settingespecially challenging.
If you even suspect that yourparent has either of those
disorders, it is a really goodplace to start to really
understand what that means.
(02:52):
I know a lot of people are onthe fence about does my parent
really have BPD or MPD?
They've never been officiallydiagnosed or I don't know if
they have.
This is your go-to course toget some clarity.
I talk about really commonsigns and symptoms and behaviors
that come up with thesedisorders and it will give you a
(03:13):
lot of perspective.
And while it absolutely is notme diagnosing your parent
because that would be impossiblefor me to do via a video course
and, having never met them,impossible for me to do via a
video course and having nevermet them If you can relate and
empathize with what I am sayingin the video, then we would be a
very good fit for workingtogether as far as addressing
(03:36):
your family dysfunction.
So that is also a commonquestion that comes up.
What if I don't know for surethat my parent is a narcissist?
What if I don't know for surethat my parent is a narcissist?
What if I don't know for surethat they have BPD?
They've really never beendiagnosed.
That doesn't necessarily matter.
What matters is the pattern ofbehavior that we're seeing and
how that impacts you, and if youcan relate to the things that
(03:59):
I'm talking about in thispodcast, if you can relate to
the things that I'm talkingabout in the boundaries workshop
and the mini course beforeboundaries, then we are making
progress and we are addressingyour family in a way that is
resonating and true to whatyou've experienced.
So don't get so caught up inthe diagnoses.
(04:20):
They're only helpful to acertain extent to give us some
common language to talk about,but I know it can also be a
little catch-22.
It can make things a littletricky too.
Okay, so let's jump into theheart of today's episode, which
is talking about codependency.
Codependency is something thatis so common when you grow up in
(04:47):
a dysfunctional familysituation, when one of your
parents has BPD or MPD.
It also is something that somany people don't understand
that they actually arestruggling with, and, as someone
who I myself have had a verywindy road, let's say, with my
(05:10):
own codependency, I think it's areally important and helpful
topic to dive into on thepodcast.
What exactly is codependency?
What does it mean to becodependent?
What does it mean to be in acodependent relationship?
We get very enmeshed withpeople that we care about, and
(05:31):
we very much want people we careabout to be very invested in us
, and so we pour ourselves intothem, hoping that we'll be
reciprocated.
And there are really commontraits of people who struggle
with codependency.
That can be things like overexplaining or over justifying
(05:55):
your decisions.
It can be being hyper vigilantto other people's moods or
shifts in the way that they'retalking like the walking on
eggshells thing that is reallycommon to experience or feel.
If you're around someone withBPD or MPD, perfectionism is a
big one to try to avoid conflictor criticism.
(06:18):
Really, people pleasingCodependency and people pleasing
go hand in hand.
So if you have found yourselfto be a pleaser, you also might
have some codependent traits.
These are all extremely commonaspects of codependency and by
no means does this describeevery codependent trait that
(06:40):
could possibly show up in yourlife, but I think that by
talking through some of these,it gives you a good sense of
what codependency is.
So let's talk about it a bitmore and dive into what do we do
if we relate to havingcodependent traits.
This one is especially trickybecause when people have
(07:05):
borderline personality disorder,they also have a lot of
codependent traits typically Notpeople with narcissistic
personality disorder, but peoplewith BPD tend to have a lot of
codependent traits.
There is a lot of dependence onother people to regulate their
emotions and a lot of externalpressure on people around them
(07:30):
to do and say the thing thatthey need in that moment in
order for them to be okay.
And when you grow up with aparent like that, you are going
to have a higher chance of beingcodependent because your
emotional needs are notconsistently being met, and that
is really what drives a lot ofcodependency and codependent
(07:52):
traits.
But if you grow up with aparent with BPD and you see some
of those codependent traits inyourself, you might freak out,
like I've done in the past, andthink, oh my gosh, what if I
myself have BPD?
What if I'm the problem?
What if I am doomed to repeatall of this trauma?
(08:16):
And what if this is me too?
And I want to tell you what ifthis is me too?
And I want to tell you I knowI've said it on the podcast
before, but let's say you didhave BPD.
Okay, you're not your parent.
You're listening to me talk onthis podcast.
Bpd is very treatable and verymanageable.
(08:36):
What I would highly recommendyou do is find a DBT program
near you if you truly areconcerned that you have BPD, and
start as soon as you can Workwith a therapist who is trained
in DBT, who specializes in BPD.
Even if you don't have BPD, dbtis awesome for learning skills
(08:59):
that we were never taught whenwe grew up with BPD and MPD
parents.
So that is okay.
It is manageable.
The fact that you are afraidmeans that you're willing to go
to therapy and do the work tomake sure that you do everything
in your power not to harm otherpeople.
That is wonderful.
That in and of itself makes youdifferent from your parent, but
(09:22):
I think what's far more likelyif you have found yourself here
listening to me talk than youhaving BPD is that you have some
codependent traits that arereally a result of not having
that consistent, stable, secureattachment to your parents.
When you're growing up, you cangrow up to become an adult who
(09:45):
is really fixated on having thatsecure attachment in your
relationships, and yet when youdon't grow up with that, the way
we go about it is just notproductive.
We go about it in a way that isreflective of the relationship
we had with our own parents, notwith what is actually healthy
(10:08):
amongst two adults, and so whenyou're looking at codependency
and working on codependenttraits, there are some things
that are really important foryou to understand about that.
One is that most adults arecapable of taking care of their
own emotions.
Most adults are capable ofhandling things like being let
(10:33):
down or anxious.
Most adults can navigate that,and even the ones who can't are
responsible for figuring it out.
They're responsible for goingand seeking out support and
education and knowledge in orderto figure out how to manage
(10:53):
their difficult emotions.
It is never up to other adultsaround them to manage their
emotions for them.
That is codependency rightthere.
Growing up, you were convincedthat it was up to you to
(11:14):
regulate your parents' emotions.
You were conditioned to believethat if you acted, if you said
certain things, if you behavedin the right way, if you
followed unspoken rules thatwere constantly changing, if you
could figure them out and gettwo steps ahead, that you could
(11:34):
make everything be okay becauseyou could control and regulate
your parents' emotions for them.
And in large part that's afallacy.
But even when it is true, it'snot healthy and that is
codependency right there.
Codependency is this beliefthat I can take care of this
(11:57):
conflict or stressor or issuethat is happening with this
person that I'm in some sort ofrelationship with, by going
around them and regulating theiremotions for them.
The way that I used to do this alot that I have done a lot of
(12:20):
work on and am much better aboutnow is I would get very
uncomfortable if my husband wasupset, and not just
uncomfortable.
I would try to fix that, and byfix that I mean make it so he
was never upset.
(12:40):
And that's not reasonable andthat's not necessary, because my
husband is, overall, a verylovely human being who is quite
capable of regulating his ownemotions and while he is
definitely not perfect, he is acapable adult who has the
ability and the willingness toask for help when he needs it.
(13:05):
And so this was unnecessary andI wasn't even aware I was doing
it for a very long time.
But once I became aware of this, it was so hard to not step in
and try to fix things when hewas upset and he didn't have to
be upset with me or ourrelationship, it was just being
(13:28):
upset in general because for solong of my life someone my
parent being upset with me orupset in general, felt so unsafe
.
That couldn't be okay for me.
And even though I've chosen amuch more emotionally healthy
partner for myself, even thoughI have chosen to surround myself
(13:53):
with much more emotionallyhealthy friends and colleagues,
that doesn't mean thatunderlying tendency that I had
just goes away.
Another way codependency hasshown up in my life and that
I've had to work on is withasking for help.
(14:15):
It can be really hard to askfor help, and something I used
to do a lot is, on the raretimes that I did ask for help, I
would preface it by saying it'scompletely fine if you don't
want to do this or you don'thave the capacity to do this, or
if you just make sure you candefinitely tell me.
(14:37):
If you're not interested indoing this and I'm not going to
lie sometimes I still findmyself prefacing things with
that whole unnecessary introwhere I am assuming
responsibility for someone else,knowing what their capacity is
and being able to tell me yes orno.
(14:59):
I'm assuming that because it'shard for me to say no to people
if I don't have the capacitythat.
It's hard for other people, andthat's not my job.
My job is to recognize what Ihave the capacity for
emotionally, what I'mexperiencing and what I need to
help myself with those feelings,and so I actively work on
(15:25):
trying not to get two stepsahead of myself and answer on
behalf of someone else andinstead be much more present and
mindful and know that it's okayto ask for help and it's okay
for people to say no, and asadults, these are very normal
(15:52):
things that we have to gothrough in order to be a healthy
person.
We have to ask for help.
We have to be understandingthat not everyone that we ask
for help is going to be able toaccommodate us or accommodate us
in the way that we hope or wantor need.
And when that's the case, thatwe're okay figuring it out by
(16:15):
ourselves, going to ask someoneelse for help who is more
capable or available to us atthe time that we are not
depending on another person tofeel emotionally stable and safe
and secure, because that iswhat we did with our parent for
so long.
We really gave our parent thispower to decide whether or not
(16:41):
we felt safe and okay or not.
If they were happy with us, ifthey were pleasant, if they were
not upset with us, then we feltokay, and if they were upset
with us, if they were not happywith us, our world was not okay,
and so our well-being did verymuch revolve around our parents'
(17:07):
emotions, which is why wedevelop codependency, where we
try to regulate other adults'emotions, because that has been
our survival skill, that hasbeen our survival tool, our
mechanism for keeping ourselvesfeeling safe and being safe.
And the reality is when youstart choosing safer people,
(17:28):
when you start choosinghealthier people to be a part of
your life.
You don't have to protectyourself in that way and you
really need to relearn how toapproach relationships in a way
that isn't trying to regulatesomeone else's emotions for them
, because that, inadvertently,is trying to control the other
(17:49):
person, and I know if you'relistening to my podcast, that's
like the last thing that youwant to do.
I'm sure of it.
I know for a fact you do notwant to be out there controlling
other people and that is notyour intention.
But that is, in fact, what wedo when we are exhibiting
codependent tendencies.
We're assuming that we knowbetter than that other person
(18:13):
how to make sure they're okay,how to regulate and manage their
emotions, how to anticipate andrespond to their capacity
levels, and we just don't knowbetter.
They know them best.
We need to focus on ourselvesand what we need and we want,
(18:35):
and that is also a really goodredirection to getting more
familiar with yourself andlearning about yourself and
developing that trust inyourself of saying this is my
capacity, this is what I need,this is what I want and I'm
capable of handling theconsequences of that right.
I'm capable of feeling a littleuncomfortable if my husband is
(18:58):
upset.
And because I love him and Idon't want him to feel upset, I
don't want him to be sad ordisappointed or afraid or angry
or all those things because it'spainful to see someone that I
care about experiencedistressing emotions and, at the
(19:19):
same time, it's okay for him to, because he's human and it's a
good thing, it's a healthy thing, and I can just be with him, I
can just be there around him.
I don't have to step in and doanything, I don't have to make
it my emotional experience, andhe doesn't want that, frankly,
(19:41):
because he is a grown adult whois a healthy adult, who tries
his best to be the healthiestversion of himself.
I hope that diving into thebasics of codependency today
added some clarity to what itmeans.
This is something that comes upso frequently with the people
(20:02):
that I work with and, like Isaid, this is a journey that I
am on as well, and I'm sure thiswill not be our last episode on
codependency at all.
So thank you so much for tuningin for another week of You're
Not Crazy, don't forget Before.
Boundaries and the BoundariesWorkshop are both available over
(20:24):
at confidentboundariescom andin the Confident Boundaries
online community on-demandlibrary Until next week.
I'll see you guys then Bye.
Thanks so much for joining mefor another episode of you're
(20:49):
not crazy.
If you like the podcast, pleaseleave a review and rate us five
stars.
It helps so much, and make sureto check the show notes for
links to bonus podcast episodesand other ways I can help.
See you soon.
Welcome to You're Not Crazy, a podcast for the
adult children of parents withborderline and narcissistic
personality disorders.
I'm your host, tori Wixel, atherapist and coach with over a
decade of experience in themental health field.
Now let's jump in.
Hi and welcome back to thisweek's episode of You're Not
(00:35):
Crazy.
If you are one of our newlisteners, I want to officially
welcome you to our podcast.
I am so happy to see some newpeople trickling in, getting
messages from people who are newto the podcast and, as always,
I am eternally grateful for ourlongtime listeners as well, who
(00:57):
have been there since thebeginning and continue to help
spread the word of You're NotCrazy.
It's been so cool to see thiscommunity grow, and I'm so glad
that it is continuing to growand help other people feel so
much less alone in theirjourneys.
It's really been an awesome andvery rewarding experience to do
(01:20):
the podcast, so welcome.
A few housekeeping things beforewe dive into the heart of
today's episode One.
I believe last week I talkedabout my new mini course called
Before Boundaries.
I initially had posted it up onconfidentboundariescom for a
small price However small price.
(01:48):
However, I adjusted that andit's now available at
confidentboundariescom for whatI call pay what you can.
So if what you can pay is $0,then go sign up for $0.
If you are able to pay a littlebit more then I appreciate that
as well.
But I just changed that feestructure over there.
So if you haven't taken beforeboundaries, if you are
(02:09):
struggling with boundaries, thatis a course you definitely want
to take.
It is also available in theConfident Boundaries online
community membership in ouron-demand library.
So if you are already a part ofthe Confident Boundaries
community, just head on over tothe On Demand library and you
can find it there.
But I highly recommend you takethat course because it is a
(02:31):
really easily digestible15-minute video where I break
down the differences between BPDand MPD and why these disorders
make boundary settingespecially challenging.
Disorders make boundary settingespecially challenging.
If you even suspect that yourparent has either of those
disorders, it is a really goodplace to start to really
understand what that means.
(02:52):
I know a lot of people are onthe fence about does my parent
really have BPD or MPD?
They've never been officiallydiagnosed or I don't know if
they have.
This is your go-to course toget some clarity.
I talk about really commonsigns and symptoms and behaviors
that come up with thesedisorders and it will give you a
(03:13):
lot of perspective.
And while it absolutely is notme diagnosing your parent
because that would be impossiblefor me to do via a video course
and, having never met them,impossible for me to do via a
video course and having nevermet them If you can relate and
empathize with what I am sayingin the video, then we would be a
very good fit for workingtogether as far as addressing
(03:36):
your family dysfunction.
So that is also a commonquestion that comes up.
What if I don't know for surethat my parent is a narcissist?
What if I don't know for surethat my parent is a narcissist?
What if I don't know for surethat they have BPD?
They've really never beendiagnosed.
That doesn't necessarily matter.
What matters is the pattern ofbehavior that we're seeing and
how that impacts you, and if youcan relate to the things that
(03:59):
I'm talking about in thispodcast, if you can relate to
the things that I'm talkingabout in the boundaries workshop
and the mini course beforeboundaries, then we are making
progress and we are addressingyour family in a way that is
resonating and true to whatyou've experienced.
So don't get so caught up inthe diagnoses.
(04:20):
They're only helpful to acertain extent to give us some
common language to talk about,but I know it can also be a
little catch-22.
It can make things a littletricky too.
Okay, so let's jump into theheart of today's episode, which
is talking about codependency.
Codependency is something thatis so common when you grow up in
(04:47):
a dysfunctional familysituation, when one of your
parents has BPD or MPD.
It also is something that somany people don't understand
that they actually arestruggling with, and, as someone
who I myself have had a verywindy road, let's say, with my
(05:10):
own codependency, I think it's areally important and helpful
topic to dive into on thepodcast.
What exactly is codependency?
What does it mean to becodependent?
What does it mean to be in acodependent relationship?
We get very enmeshed withpeople that we care about, and
(05:31):
we very much want people we careabout to be very invested in us
, and so we pour ourselves intothem, hoping that we'll be
reciprocated.
And there are really commontraits of people who struggle
with codependency.
That can be things like overexplaining or over justifying
(05:55):
your decisions.
It can be being hyper vigilantto other people's moods or
shifts in the way that they'retalking like the walking on
eggshells thing that is reallycommon to experience or feel.
If you're around someone withBPD or MPD, perfectionism is a
big one to try to avoid conflictor criticism.
(06:18):
Really, people pleasingCodependency and people pleasing
go hand in hand.
So if you have found yourselfto be a pleaser, you also might
have some codependent traits.
These are all extremely commonaspects of codependency and by
no means does this describeevery codependent trait that
(06:40):
could possibly show up in yourlife, but I think that by
talking through some of these,it gives you a good sense of
what codependency is.
So let's talk about it a bitmore and dive into what do we do
if we relate to havingcodependent traits.
This one is especially trickybecause when people have
(07:05):
borderline personality disorder,they also have a lot of
codependent traits typically Notpeople with narcissistic
personality disorder, but peoplewith BPD tend to have a lot of
codependent traits.
There is a lot of dependence onother people to regulate their
emotions and a lot of externalpressure on people around them
(07:30):
to do and say the thing thatthey need in that moment in
order for them to be okay.
And when you grow up with aparent like that, you are going
to have a higher chance of beingcodependent because your
emotional needs are notconsistently being met, and that
is really what drives a lot ofcodependency and codependent
(07:52):
traits.
But if you grow up with aparent with BPD and you see some
of those codependent traits inyourself, you might freak out,
like I've done in the past, andthink, oh my gosh, what if I
myself have BPD?
What if I'm the problem?
What if I am doomed to repeatall of this trauma?
(08:16):
And what if this is me too?
And I want to tell you what ifthis is me too?
And I want to tell you I knowI've said it on the podcast
before, but let's say you didhave BPD.
Okay, you're not your parent.
You're listening to me talk onthis podcast.
Bpd is very treatable and verymanageable.
(08:36):
What I would highly recommendyou do is find a DBT program
near you if you truly areconcerned that you have BPD, and
start as soon as you can Workwith a therapist who is trained
in DBT, who specializes in BPD.
Even if you don't have BPD, dbtis awesome for learning skills
(08:59):
that we were never taught whenwe grew up with BPD and MPD
parents.
So that is okay.
It is manageable.
The fact that you are afraidmeans that you're willing to go
to therapy and do the work tomake sure that you do everything
in your power not to harm otherpeople.
That is wonderful.
That in and of itself makes youdifferent from your parent, but
(09:22):
I think what's far more likelyif you have found yourself here
listening to me talk than youhaving BPD is that you have some
codependent traits that arereally a result of not having
that consistent, stable, secureattachment to your parents.
When you're growing up, you cangrow up to become an adult who
(09:45):
is really fixated on having thatsecure attachment in your
relationships, and yet when youdon't grow up with that, the way
we go about it is just notproductive.
We go about it in a way that isreflective of the relationship
we had with our own parents, notwith what is actually healthy
(10:08):
amongst two adults, and so whenyou're looking at codependency
and working on codependenttraits, there are some things
that are really important foryou to understand about that.
One is that most adults arecapable of taking care of their
own emotions.
Most adults are capable ofhandling things like being let
(10:33):
down or anxious.
Most adults can navigate that,and even the ones who can't are
responsible for figuring it out.
They're responsible for goingand seeking out support and
education and knowledge in orderto figure out how to manage
(10:53):
their difficult emotions.
It is never up to other adultsaround them to manage their
emotions for them.
That is codependency rightthere.
Growing up, you were convincedthat it was up to you to
(11:14):
regulate your parents' emotions.
You were conditioned to believethat if you acted, if you said
certain things, if you behavedin the right way, if you
followed unspoken rules thatwere constantly changing, if you
could figure them out and gettwo steps ahead, that you could
(11:34):
make everything be okay becauseyou could control and regulate
your parents' emotions for them.
And in large part that's afallacy.
But even when it is true, it'snot healthy and that is
codependency right there.
Codependency is this beliefthat I can take care of this
(11:57):
conflict or stressor or issuethat is happening with this
person that I'm in some sort ofrelationship with, by going
around them and regulating theiremotions for them.
The way that I used to do this alot that I have done a lot of
(12:20):
work on and am much better aboutnow is I would get very
uncomfortable if my husband wasupset, and not just
uncomfortable.
I would try to fix that, and byfix that I mean make it so he
was never upset.
(12:40):
And that's not reasonable andthat's not necessary, because my
husband is, overall, a verylovely human being who is quite
capable of regulating his ownemotions and while he is
definitely not perfect, he is acapable adult who has the
ability and the willingness toask for help when he needs it.
(13:05):
And so this was unnecessary andI wasn't even aware I was doing
it for a very long time.
But once I became aware of this, it was so hard to not step in
and try to fix things when hewas upset and he didn't have to
be upset with me or ourrelationship, it was just being
(13:28):
upset in general because for solong of my life someone my
parent being upset with me orupset in general, felt so unsafe
.
That couldn't be okay for me.
And even though I've chosen amuch more emotionally healthy
partner for myself, even thoughI have chosen to surround myself
(13:53):
with much more emotionallyhealthy friends and colleagues,
that doesn't mean thatunderlying tendency that I had
just goes away.
Another way codependency hasshown up in my life and that
I've had to work on is withasking for help.
(14:15):
It can be really hard to askfor help, and something I used
to do a lot is, on the raretimes that I did ask for help, I
would preface it by saying it'scompletely fine if you don't
want to do this or you don'thave the capacity to do this, or
if you just make sure you candefinitely tell me.
(14:37):
If you're not interested indoing this and I'm not going to
lie sometimes I still findmyself prefacing things with
that whole unnecessary introwhere I am assuming
responsibility for someone else,knowing what their capacity is
and being able to tell me yes orno.
(14:59):
I'm assuming that because it'shard for me to say no to people
if I don't have the capacitythat.
It's hard for other people, andthat's not my job.
My job is to recognize what Ihave the capacity for
emotionally, what I'mexperiencing and what I need to
help myself with those feelings,and so I actively work on
(15:25):
trying not to get two stepsahead of myself and answer on
behalf of someone else andinstead be much more present and
mindful and know that it's okayto ask for help and it's okay
for people to say no, and asadults, these are very normal
(15:52):
things that we have to gothrough in order to be a healthy
person.
We have to ask for help.
We have to be understandingthat not everyone that we ask
for help is going to be able toaccommodate us or accommodate us
in the way that we hope or wantor need.
And when that's the case, thatwe're okay figuring it out by
(16:15):
ourselves, going to ask someoneelse for help who is more
capable or available to us atthe time that we are not
depending on another person tofeel emotionally stable and safe
and secure, because that iswhat we did with our parent for
so long.
We really gave our parent thispower to decide whether or not
(16:41):
we felt safe and okay or not.
If they were happy with us, ifthey were pleasant, if they were
not upset with us, then we feltokay, and if they were upset
with us, if they were not happywith us, our world was not okay,
and so our well-being did verymuch revolve around our parents'
(17:07):
emotions, which is why wedevelop codependency, where we
try to regulate other adults'emotions, because that has been
our survival skill, that hasbeen our survival tool, our
mechanism for keeping ourselvesfeeling safe and being safe.
And the reality is when youstart choosing safer people,
(17:28):
when you start choosinghealthier people to be a part of
your life.
You don't have to protectyourself in that way and you
really need to relearn how toapproach relationships in a way
that isn't trying to regulatesomeone else's emotions for them
, because that, inadvertently,is trying to control the other
(17:49):
person, and I know if you'relistening to my podcast, that's
like the last thing that youwant to do.
I'm sure of it.
I know for a fact you do notwant to be out there controlling
other people and that is notyour intention.
But that is, in fact, what wedo when we are exhibiting
codependent tendencies.
We're assuming that we knowbetter than that other person
(18:13):
how to make sure they're okay,how to regulate and manage their
emotions, how to anticipate andrespond to their capacity
levels, and we just don't knowbetter.
They know them best.
We need to focus on ourselvesand what we need and we want,
(18:35):
and that is also a really goodredirection to getting more
familiar with yourself andlearning about yourself and
developing that trust inyourself of saying this is my
capacity, this is what I need,this is what I want and I'm
capable of handling theconsequences of that right.
I'm capable of feeling a littleuncomfortable if my husband is
(18:58):
upset.
And because I love him and Idon't want him to feel upset, I
don't want him to be sad ordisappointed or afraid or angry
or all those things because it'spainful to see someone that I
care about experiencedistressing emotions and, at the
(19:19):
same time, it's okay for him to, because he's human and it's a
good thing, it's a healthy thing, and I can just be with him, I
can just be there around him.
I don't have to step in and doanything, I don't have to make
it my emotional experience, andhe doesn't want that, frankly,
(19:41):
because he is a grown adult whois a healthy adult, who tries
his best to be the healthiestversion of himself.
I hope that diving into thebasics of codependency today
added some clarity to what itmeans.
This is something that comes upso frequently with the people
(20:02):
that I work with and, like Isaid, this is a journey that I
am on as well, and I'm sure thiswill not be our last episode on
codependency at all.
So thank you so much for tuningin for another week of You're
Not Crazy, don't forget Before.
Boundaries and the BoundariesWorkshop are both available over
(20:24):
at confidentboundariescom andin the Confident Boundaries
online community on-demandlibrary Until next week.
I'll see you guys then Bye.
Thanks so much for joining mefor another episode of you're
(20:49):
not crazy.
If you like the podcast, pleaseleave a review and rate us five
stars.
It helps so much, and make sureto check the show notes for
links to bonus podcast episodesand other ways I can help.
See you soon.
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