January 8, 2024 • 42 mins
Have you ever noticed that sometimes the most damaging critiques come from your own mind? I know, I've been there; questioning my worth, my appearance, my decisions - all because of societal norms ingrained deep within my psyche. Tune in as I share my solidarity and journey towards triumphing over internalized misogyny.
We'll talk about the insidious concept of "pick me girls," scrutinize the impact of media consumption on our mental health, especially when it comes to violence against women in the entertainment industry Lastly, I'll invite you to embark on this movement toward self-awareness and liberation from these harmful societal norms. Listen in as I lay the smack down on accountability and how we can choose better, do better, and create better.
Thank you so much for listening! I hope you enjoyed this podcast. If so, please leave a rating and review so we can spread the word to the women who need it the most. Below you'll find links to my website, social media, and resources for victims. If you believe you're in danger, please seek help immediately. There are people out there who want to help and who truly care. Myself included! You're worth so much more.
Also, some links in my show notes may be affiliate links. This means I earn a tiny amount of money if you buy a product I recommend. You should know, I never recommend crap.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
It's time to wake up witches.
I'm your host, cat Adams, andI'm here to remind you that, no
matter where you're at in life,you're not stuck.
Good morning If you'relistening to this in the morning
(00:31):
.
Good afternoon, good evening ifyou're not.
So today is after Thanksgivingweekend and, as you know, if
you've been listening to myprevious episodes, I've had a
long week off.
So I've been trying to.
Trying to is the keyword herework in bank, a bunch of these
(00:53):
podcast episodes, so I don'thave to work in December.
And it's not been going so well.
I've had, you know, familycoming into town and feeling
torn this way and torn that way,and having to be true to myself
(01:13):
and say, hey, I needed thistime because I was like on the
verge of a mental breakdown lastweek and it's okay.
I need this time for me to restand to just kind of check out
and check away from everybody,because, you know, I haven't had
a long time and forever.
And I'm trying to.
I'm trying to tell myselfthat's okay, because that's hard
(01:34):
y'all, that's hard choosingyourself, especially as a woman
and especially as a mom.
It's hard to choose yourself.
So I have been doing that.
But also, like you know mydaughter, she's got a friend
over and I want to do some funstuff with them and, yeah, like
(01:55):
I've been busy, so I've not beenable to bank these episodes and
only have one more day off, onemore day.
So I've decided, instead oftrying to do it all, which I
think would put me at four moreepisodes I need to record.
I'm only going to do three andI'm going to take the last week
of December off because that ismy 40th birthday and I need the
(02:21):
break.
So hopefully I will pick backup in January.
Actually, I'm going to go aheadand record one for January.
I think that makes three.
That way I don't have to comeback from my birthday
celebrations and be like, oh mygosh, I got to work.
So just some tidbits of my life.
(02:41):
You know I stay busy.
You know I stay busy and whenI'm not working at my full-time
job, I'm working with mypodcasting and my books, because
it's my passion and that's whatdrives me and makes me feel
like I'm doing good in the world, which is kind of what we're
going to talk about today.
We're going to talk about kindof the good things you can do in
(03:03):
the world and changing yourmindset and how you might be in
a mindset that is calledinternalized Misogyny.
And what is that right?
We're all guilty of it to someextent and I'm going to tell you
my story here in a bit on how Iused to be and I'm not anymore,
(03:23):
because I recognize it.
But first let me tell you whatit is.
So internalized misogyny refersto the involuntary belief by
women and the negativestereotypes and social norms
about women that are prevalentin their culture.
This phenomenon occurs whenwomen consciously or
unconsciously accept andpropagate the sexist messages
that are ingrained in society.
(03:44):
Here's some key aspects.
So origin and societal norms.
Internalized misogyny arisesfrom living in a society where
sexist attitudes and stereotypesare pervasive.
These norms and attitudes areoften absorbed unconsciously
from a young age.
It can manifest in various ways, such as women judging
(04:05):
themselves or other women,harshly reinforcing gender
stereotypes, competing withother women under patriarchal
standards or devaluing women andtheir achievements.
Women experience internalizedmisogyny.
May regulate their behaviortill line with societal
expectations of femininity,often at the cost of their own
needs and desires.
This can involve womencriticizing others for not
(04:28):
adhering to traditional genderroles or for challenging gender
norms, often without realizingthat these judgments are
grounded in sexist beliefs.
Internalized misogyny canaffect relationships between
women, leading to competitionmistrust and a lack of
solidarity and support.
It can also have negativeconsequences on mental health,
contributing to issues like lowself-esteem, anxiety and
(04:49):
depression.
The expression and impact ofinternalized misogyny can vary
significantly across differentcultures and individual
experiences.
Addressing it involvesawareness and critical
examination of one's own beliefsand attitude.
It often requires challengingsocietal norms and engaging in
feminist discourses that promotegender equality.
Education, community supportand open discussions about these
(05:13):
stereotypes and sexism plays acrucial role in helping
individuals recognize andovercome internalize misogyny,
and that's what we're going totalk about today, because I've
noticed it.
I noticed it in all women.
We all have it to an extent andI used to be so bad about this,
but I've changed my mindset andI'm so much happier and I've
(05:40):
changed the things that I put inmy head and I've gone so much
further in life in just doingthese things, where I feel like
I'm not having to constantlycompare myself, you know, to
everyone or be in a competition.
Now look, I am not perfect.
Yes, I still do this to anextent, but I don't look at
(06:03):
other women as my competition,and I used to do that, but, yes,
I do still get hard on myselffor some things.
But let's talk about this.
Let's talk about being a betteryou.
So, because this is the timenow, right, when you're trying
to gather all my new yearsresolution, what can I do to be
a better me?
What can I do to change me?
(06:23):
You know, we've gone throughall this empowering knowledge in
this podcast and in the bookand I know now, you know about
the whole woo-hoo-joo-joo, highvibration manifestation and just
being more educated on thesesubjects that affect me and my
kids in the world.
And now what?
Let's put it all together andhow do I want to go into 2024?
(06:48):
And remember when I talked aboutthat whole series is my husband
abusive or is he an asshole?
Well, you can start by notbeing an asshole yourself and
recognizing some of the stuffyou might do that makes you an
asshole.
And so first, let's talk aboutthis internalized misogyny,
(07:12):
because I'm seeing it a lot onTikTok and the.
I believe and some people hatethis term, but those that
support it are the pick me girls.
If you don't know what a pickme girl is, it's like the girl
that's like.
I'm not like other women.
I'm one of the cool girls.
(07:33):
I'm one of the ladies, man orman's lady or whatever and
they're like pick me, pick me.
I'm not like them.
I'm so much better.
I'm just not like other females.
Yada, yada, yada.
They're the women you see atthe Trump rallies that are
wearing the shirts that say I'dlet Trump grab me by the pussy.
(07:56):
Yeah, all right.
And I want to go back to acouple episodes ago, which was
only a couple days ago.
I was talking about this.
I was talking about the MattReif, the Netflix special, and I
was saying how I turned it offwithin like the first, what?
Two, three, four minutesbecause he made a domestic
violence joke.
(08:17):
That wasn't funny.
But again, like I'm not goingto support that and I didn't
know until a long time to TikTokthe other day, because you know
my love hate relationship withTikTok, I know apologies if
you've been like where is she onTikTok?
I go through phases, you'rejust going to have to accept it.
I post like a ton for monthsand then I stop and then I post
(08:38):
a ton for months again.
I just get burned out.
But I dig it on TikTok becauseI do look at it and I get like
recipes and stuff and whatever.
But Matt Reif came up on thereand a lot of women are canceling
him it's like a whole cancelculture thing, you know and he
got mad and he was like, oh well, if you were offended at my
(09:02):
jokes, then here's my officialapology.
And you click on the link inhis profile I think it was an
Instagram or whatever and itsent you to a website for
special needs helmets forchildren.
Yeah, so my intuition was spoton that this dude is a great, a
douchebag.
But I'm so proud of women notsupporting this.
(09:25):
I am so proud of women notsupporting this.
It was all over TikTok.
Women are like hell no, hell no, this isn't okay.
Like fuck you, matt Reif.
Basically like we're not goingto support you anymore.
Supposedly his career is tanking.
I don't know, I don't know hisnumbers.
I hope it is, because you knowwhat he deserves it he, what he
(09:51):
was saying was just awful.
It was just like so douchey, sofrat boy, so like it just
unattractive and disgusting, Idon't know.
And then, like he talks aboutwomen, he like fat shames women,
slut shames, women.
Oh, he was talking about womenwho love their crystals and like
(10:13):
made a best station stuff andhow we're all crazy, but if you
want my take on that subject, Ifeel like there's an awakening
going on with women in the worldFinally realizing our power and
how.
If you look into it right I'mgoing to go off on a tangent
here real quick If you look intoit and I'm not trying to offend
(10:34):
anybody, if you are, you knowone of that followers of the
Abrahamic, I think it's what'scalled religions like
Christianity and Muslim Judaism.
I don't think Judaism is one, Idon't know the male dominated
religions, the male writtenreligions.
If you look back before that,there's a lot of I don't know if
(10:55):
I'd even call them religions.
There's a lot of likespirituality and stuff.
When cultures worshiped womenand when women were held in very
high regard and they were not,like you know, servants.
They were.
They were like matriarchies andstuff.
They were very powerful.
And then men came in anddestroyed it all.
(11:17):
And I was walking in nature theother day and look, I'm just
gonna.
You know my beliefs.
I'm not religious.
I don't follow any one religion.
I'm really not quite sure whatI believe.
I definitely believe, like, inthe feminine power.
And I'm just walking in naturethe other day and I was just
looking around and I was likenature and archer and I was
(11:40):
doing my walking meditation andI'm like I don't think a man
could have made this stuff.
I don't think a man could havemade these beautiful flowers and
beautiful trees and the birdssinging and the bunnies hopping
around and the deer playing.
I don't think a man made that.
I just don't, I don't, I don't.
I mean, it's so beautiful, it'sso lovely, it's such feminine
(12:04):
energy when you step out ofnature.
I think a woman did it, but I'mgonna leave that right there.
I don't know how I got off onthat tangent and talking about
matriarch, but so I was proud ofthese women for stopping
supporting matriarch.
But when I was looking at thoseTikToks, of course there were
(12:25):
the TikToks of the men who werelike oh, sensitive, feminine
women.
And also there were the TikToksof women saying like women just
need to grow up.
Women need to be stopping sosensitive.
I want to go see Matt Reif.
Still, I'll buy your tickets ifyou want to get rid of your
tickets album.
That's a pit me girl, all right.
(12:48):
And it's also the wholeinternalized misogyny, like how
do you expect women to do betterand get further ahead when you
don't support your fellow women,like I don't understand it.
Why wouldn't you?
You know, just because thiswoman's story isn't your own
(13:09):
experience, we all, I canguarantee you, we all have
experiences with, like adangerous male, a predatory male
, sexual harassment, yada, yada,yada.
That's just the nature of it.
We do.
And for pick me girls or I'mjust gonna call them pick me
(13:34):
girls I don't have another namefor them Like the internalized
misogynist ladies for you tosupport that, like you're not
doing us females any favors.
We never going to be in charge,and a lot of you want that
because it goes back to theinternalized misogyny you don't
believe we should be.
(13:55):
You believe that narrative thatmen say to keep women from being
in power, oh well, she mightget her period and she's super
emotional, so we can't have awoman in power.
Have you seen Trump on a tiradeand women, y'all listen to that
and you believe it and you'relike, oh yeah, women are so
crazy and you internalize thisbullshit and it's like you're
(14:22):
brainwashed.
I mean, you're brainwashed.
Same with religions that sayyou know, women shouldn't be in
church and men should be thehead of households, and yada,
yada, yada.
If you want to believe that,for yourself fine, but don't put
those beliefs on other women.
Don't say this woman shouldn'tbe out here doing this because I
(14:43):
can't do that, because you knowwhat a lot of this also comes
from, I have learned it alsocomes from a lot of its jealousy
.
So a lot of this internalizedmisogyny is actually jealousy,
and I'm going to tell you myexperience with this.
(15:04):
I used to have a very negativeattitude, probably in my early
20s, I think, especially aboutother women, and most of it was
jealousy.
I was going to church, I was aChristian and you know the
modest culture thing, and I wasa jealous woman.
(15:26):
I was, I was a jealous womanand I used to put other women
down that weren't like me, or Iwould think I was holier than
now and I was just better, and Isurrounded myself by people who
did the same.
I had very close people in mylife who had the exact same
(15:50):
catty attitude, and when Istarted like working on myself,
I got out of religion and I juststarted seeing the good in
people and like I felt betterabout myself, oh, you know what
kind of came in at the same time.
So I had struggled with myweight back then too, and I'm
(16:14):
sure this played a ton in it.
I struggled with my weight andI lost like 40 pounds and I felt
good about myself and I didn'tfeel jealous anymore about other
women because, first, I'mfocusing on myself.
Second, I feel good aboutmyself, I feel confident and
third, I didn't like like thenegative consequences of my
(16:34):
behavior, the negative mentalhealth space.
So I completely transformed mylife and I slowly got rid of
most of that toxicity.
Of course, it always creepsback in y'all, it always creeps
back in right.
So I didn't think like thatanymore.
(16:55):
And then I had, like, metfriends all right, so-called, I
thought, friends and they werelike you need to go to this
church thing.
It's just a women's retreat.
I know it's church, but youneed to go to it.
And I went and it was like thiswoman's class.
And the woman, the speaker, waslike don't you just hate that
(17:17):
woman?
That's got it all together andshe's got like she bakes these
cookies from scratch and she'sgot her house clean.
I don't know.
And I'm like don't I just hatethat woman?
No, I don't think like thatanymore.
I'm so far beyond that, in fact, like I'll look at a woman like
that and like, damn it.
I need to do better.
I don't not like screw you,bitch, I hate you.
(17:38):
I'm so jealous.
No, it's like huh, how does shedo that?
I wonder what tips I can takefrom this situation and do
better for myself, and I don'tknow.
I think that's a lot healthier,is it?
I think so, anyways, yeah, so Iwent to that and I'm like you
(17:58):
know, I can't do it.
That was the only class Iattended.
I dropped those people for mylife, turns out they were a big
bunch of Karens anyways,obviously because they would do
the same thing.
And then, you know, I had otherfriends in my life and we would
go out and they would be like,just talking about other women
Ooh, can you see what she'swearing?
(18:19):
And I dropped them too, like Ijust I can't, I just can't.
And then I have some women inmy life who, if they see another
girl that's prettier than themor that is happy and live in
life, and she may dressdifferent and she's, you know,
(18:42):
pretty, and they feel threatenedor something in some kind of
way.
They have a name for thosewomen and I don't even wanna say
it because I don't want anybody, I don't wanna call anybody out
on my podcast, but they have aname for those women and they're
always like did you see that?
You know, named a woman?
Did you see that?
(19:02):
I mean, I'm not, I'm not doingit.
She was just, and the latesttime was like this person was
talking to me and she's like, ohyeah, she just got divorced and
she was over there and she'sgot these tattoos and she's
wearing her short shorts andjust laughing and smiling and
she just she looked like one ofthese women.
(19:23):
And just the bitterness in thisgirl's voice as she was telling
me this, or this woman's voicewho was acting like a little
girl as she was telling me this,I was just like I kind of felt
like, well, that was me a fewyears ago after my divorce,
laughing and feeling free.
She should be feeling great forthis woman.
(19:43):
But instead, no, she's jealousof this woman, and it comes down
to again, jealousy over youdon't have confidence in
yourself, or jealousy oversomeone living a lifestyle that
you don't allow yourself to live.
And that can go back toreligion, because some of us are
like, how dare she be wearing abathing suit and frolicking on
(20:04):
the beach?
Because I don't allow myself towear a bathing suit.
I wear a potato sack becauseI'm modest, because Jesus, or
because my husband doesn't wantanyone to see my goodies except
me.
So how dare she be wearing that?
And again that you putting yourvalues on somebody else and
that's bullshit.
And it's internalized misogynyover like the whole religious
(20:26):
thing and you're trying tocontrol somebody else and what
they do and what they say andhow they look.
But it's also internalizedmisogyny because you're jealous.
Come on, let's just admit it.
You're jealous that woman'shappy and you're oppressed and
you don't want to admit it.
So because another womandoesn't fall in line with your
lifestyle and your values,because another woman might
(20:46):
choose something different,because another woman might have
casual sex, because there'sthis whole saying oh my gosh, a
lot to unpack around femalesexuality that I'm not even
gonna go into.
Because apparently women aren'tsupposed to have sex, women
aren't supposed to enjoy sex,women aren't supposed to be sexy
(21:07):
.
But then again, we are supposedto be sexy.
I don't know lots of mixedmessages here and women love
judging other women on that.
They love it, they love it.
That's like how dare she be outthere gallivant and having
casual sex because that's a sinand she needs to close her legs
and blah, blah, blah, and itcomes down to jealousy.
(21:30):
You judge in other womenbecause they're out there having
fun, they're in control oftheir life, they're not
oppressed by some you knowwhatever religious text or
values that don't align withyour values, and you jealous
because they're happy.
So how about you just mind yourown business, keep your
(21:53):
opinions to yourself and unpacksome of the stuff that you may
be thinking about other womenand how it relates to you.
So if you see a woman out therelike killing it in her career
and she's got kids at home, andyou're like, well, yeah, she
should be spending time with herkids instead of working,
(22:16):
because women supposed to beraising their kids.
Same thing with, like the casualsex thing.
Like that's your values, that'swhat you believe.
Why would you pin that onanother woman?
How will we ever progress aswomen if we're pitted against
each other all the time?
And I know people cringe whenthey talk about the patriarchy,
but this is the way it's set up.
It's set up to brainwash you tobelieve other women are your
(22:40):
enemy and they're not.
Gosh, I could go on about thisforever, so all I'm gonna say
there is maybe you can stoppinning your values and beliefs
on other women and work onyourself and stop judging other
women for living their best lifeand for the choices they make.
(23:02):
If they don't align with yours,that's okay.
That's their life, it doesn'taffect you.
Get over it.
Check in with your jealouslylevel.
If you're jealous, work onyourself.
If you're like, hey, she'sbeautiful, she looks so much
better than me, you know, andI'm struggling with this weight,
go work out.
Don't look over there.
(23:22):
Look in the mirror Like it'sokay to you know.
Struggle with yourself.
But don't take that out onother people, especially your
pillow women.
Like again, they want usfighting with any other.
So deal with your internalizedmisogyny First and stop and
(23:48):
think when you feel like, oh, Ihate that woman because she's so
perfect.
Instead, like, check in withyourself.
Why are you being a bitter cow?
I mean, I'm not trying to evenbe mean about it Like a lot of
women I had in my life arebeautiful and I would think they
(24:09):
look so perfect on the outside,but the way they talk about
other women is just gross anddisgusting.
And if you have people in yourlife like this, don't have women
in your life like that anymore.
Like women, support other women.
Those are the successful womenyou need to surround yourself
with so you can go further inlife, not women who are dragging
(24:31):
other women down.
Women need to lift each otherup.
If you don't have those womenin your life, get rid of them.
I promise you you're not gonnamiss it.
Like that's that negative, darkdoo-doo energy we talk about
all the time.
Get rid of it.
So, moving on to topic two,after the internalized misogyny,
and you deal with all that shitin your head and all that
bitterness and you get rid ofall the negative, dark, doo-doo
(24:53):
energy in your head and in yourlife.
You're going to think aboutwhat you support and what you
put inside your head, and Ifound a great quote on this.
It says when you choose what towatch or read, you're choosing
your future.
Thoughts and perspectives Onlyconsume what you'd like to
(25:13):
become.
And I just like snatched thisoff of a Facebook recommended it
to me from, like, mark Mansonwhoever that is I hope he's not
like a douchebag, because thatwas a good quote.
So I've always said if you puttrash in, you get trash out.
So there's some things I don'tI don't put in my head.
One of those is and this isn'tI'm not judging on this at all
(25:36):
Like.
This is just me and this is asimple example.
It's nothing like, it's nothingdetrimental or harmful.
I don't watch horror movies.
I mean I will watch somethingscary but I won't put.
I won't watch horror moviesbecause when I put that in my
head and this is like a physicalexample I get it.
I guess it could be physical.
(25:57):
I get it out Like I havenightmares.
Maybe it's cause of trauma, Idon't know, but I just don't
feel good.
I don't.
I can't get it out of my head.
So I put trash in there, I gettrash out.
I feel like crap.
You know, after a few days Idon't like watching people being
like tortured or anything likethat.
(26:18):
It just does not make me feelgood.
Now, that's not to say not onlywatch happy, feel good movies.
Hell, no, I actually like stuffthat just breaks my heart and
does not be tied up with a happybow.
That's why I don't read a lotof romance.
I don't like a happy ending.
I need something to rip myheart out, stomp on it and make
me think for a few days, notmake me like feel ill and
(26:38):
disgusted because I just watcheda human being tortured Like I
need a love story that brings meinto life, you know, in a
horrible way at the end, likesomebody dies, not, but not like
with a chainsaw.
So that's kind of like aphysical example, I guess, of
you put trash in, you get trashout.
Same with news.
Be careful in what news sourcesyou watch.
(27:00):
If you consume news all day,you know you feel like shit.
So I told y'all before I needto do better at this because I'm
regressing.
I read news on Reddit usuallyand that's my news source and I
just read it once a day.
Once a day, not before bed, notfirst thing in the morning,
like around lunchtime.
(27:20):
So I don't want to get trashout of my head, because reading
the news can be like putting aton of trash in your head.
So be careful what you read,what you consume, yada, yada,
yada.
Same with hey.
You can relate this to food.
If you're drinking a bunch ofalcohol and eating a bunch of
fried foods and sugars, what doyou think you're gonna get out
(27:42):
of that?
You're gonna feel like shit.
You're probably gonna look likeshit, unless you're one of
those lucky women we hate, right, with the good genes.
But it's gonna make your healthgo down.
You're gonna feel like trash.
You eat trash.
You're gonna feel like trash.
And you know, I think this isfunny because my brand is so
trashy.
I'm so trashy and I can jokeabout it, you know what?
(28:04):
Because it's my own trauma,it's my own shit.
So I can joke about it.
But in the reality is, I don'tput trash in my head.
And there's a couple of thingsI wanna point out to you along
these lines, and then we'regonna wrap it up.
But one is that recent.
Let me bring it up here on mycomputer.
It's the recent statistic Itold y'all about in my previous
(28:27):
podcast, and it's porn.
You know, it is 88.2% ofphysical violence in the popular
form.
There was a study yada, yada,yada, popular porn.
88.2% of that had physicalviolence against women.
48.7% of it had verbal or namecalling against women.
(28:49):
Porn culture has gotten out ofhand y'all.
I'm not judging if you'relooking at it, whatever, I don't
give a shit.
I'm just telling you thereality of it and you can do
better.
Is there ethical porn sites outthere?
I don't know.
I think so.
They're probably like the paidstuff.
I don't know.
I don't know.
I haven't done that research.
I'm just telling you about pornand how women are like oh well,
(29:13):
you know, all men do it andyada, yada, it's okay, blah,
blah, blah.
But you're supporting Anindustry that is not supporting
women.
If you look into it, a lot ofthose women are trafficked,
they're abused, they're coerced,they're like you know, they're
(29:33):
director or whatever it'll belike oh, this person signed a
contract to not do this sexualact, but when it gets going,
they coerce them into doing thatsexual act and it's just, it's
sad what happens in thatindustry.
Go look it up, do research,watch the documentary.
I think there's one on, I thinkit's Netflix, I don't know it's
(29:55):
.
Porn industry is really harmfulto women and it's making the men
think this is what we want, thephysical violence and again I
go back to that other quote.
It was like I forget who saidit, but it was women.
Men can't empathize withwomen's pain because they're too
busy jerking off to it, likethey get off on the rape and the
(30:20):
torture and all that shit likespitting on women, slapping
women, and it can conditionwomen to believe that's what
they want too.
And I think I've talked aboutthat euphoria seen before on
here.
But yeah, that was very tellingIf you've seen euphoria where
it's like those teenagers andit's the first time they're
(30:41):
doing it and like he chokes heror something and she freaks out
and he's like I didn't know, Ithought that's what I was
supposed to do, and like shefelt like so violated because he
learned it from porn.
So I know we like to makeexcuses for men on oh well, you
(31:04):
know every man does it Blah,blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
And yeah, but first work onyourself.
You know that's what it'salways about.
It's not changing your partner.
You need to change yourself andyou need to see stuff
differently and the reality ofit.
Like, if you support that stuff, then you know you're not
helping us get any further,you're not helping us make
(31:26):
progress.
And another thing also it's notonly what you watch.
That's like going back to MattRye as soon as he made that
comment about domestic violenceclick, turn it off.
Didn't support it.
Those women on TikTok who werelike I'm canceling this mofo,
great, that is what I'm talkingabout.
Turn it off.
Don't give them your valuabletime and your valuable energy.
(31:49):
You are too valuable to stoopthat low.
Just turn it off, move on,choose better, do better.
Another thing is the books.
The books oh my gosh, I'm gonnaget a lot of flack for this
always do.
And it's a big reason why Ijust got disgusted with the
romance community, because whenI was writing, you know the
(32:09):
bully romance.
I've said it a million times,you're gonna hear it again Bully
romance was big.
What's bully romance?
Oh, it's basically when youknow a man abuses this woman and
she's like but I love him andthen all of a sudden he changes.
Yeah, bullshit.
And I always get countered with.
But you don't go after women whowere writing about killing
(32:32):
somebody or horror books andblah, blah, blah.
The difference between thesebooks is these women ain't
falling in love with a man who'slike in a horror story, gonna
kill them or whatever.
Maybe they are, but it doesn'tshow the man like changing and
loving her back or whatever like.
(32:53):
No, that's not real.
It's not real in abusivesituations and we need to stop
giving telling women this.
We need to stop.
Stop telling women he'll change.
Stop telling women.
You know that it's okay to bewith a man and yada, yada, yada
who's like that, because maybehe'll change or maybe you can, I
(33:14):
don't know pray they abuse awayor whatever.
Stop telling women that.
Stop telling it through theirbooks.
You know, if you're.
I know a lot of romance authorsthat I respect, but they're
writing this stuff about likewomen being kidnapped and carved
up on their stomach with aman's initials and a knife and
they're like, well, I love him.
(33:36):
And all of a sudden at the endit's like, oh well, you know, I
love you, woman and I'm gonnachange for you, or I'm gonna
just do this to other peopleinstead of you and they fall in
love with these psychos.
We're responsible for puttingthat stuff out there as authors,
but also as readers, and you'relike, oh well, I like that.
(33:57):
That's my kink, or you kinkshame, and I think some kink
should be shamed.
Unpopular opinion but yeah, didy'all even see there's like
some pedophilia stuff goingaround?
That's like we should supportpedophiles, or are you fucking
kidding me?
No, are we this far lost?
Women?
Get control of yourselves.
It's okay to like wanna readstuff.
(34:21):
You know where I get it.
I think a lot of the popularthing was with being kidnapped.
Is you got a man finally totake you away from all this shit
like screaming kids and washingdishes and whatever he's just
going to you know, take care ofyou, but make the decisions so
you don't have to use your brainto make the decisions.
And a lot of it's also goesback to the internalized massage
(34:45):
.
Anywhere women can't and I'mabout to go deep here women
can't be responsible for theirown pleasure because it's sinful
and it's wrong.
So if you're forced in like akidnapping, rapy situation to do
that, then it's okay Becausethat's not you choosing to be
sinful.
You know what I mean.
I told you I was gonna go deephere.
(35:07):
It's that too.
If you look at other cultures Idid.
I found a study.
I think it might've been Sweden, that, or maybe it was
Switzerland, one of thoseScandinavian countries that
always has their shit together.
That kind of romance books,things like that bully romance
and like dark romance, isn'tpopular at all.
(35:29):
Like women actually reject it.
They don't care for thatbecause they haven't been
oppressed.
Where they feel like grown upin like a super oppressive
religious type setting wherethat would be okay and where
they feel like they can't be incontrol of their own sexuality,
(35:52):
like they're fighting this whatis it called Cognitive distance
on their sexuality, on their ownpleasure?
Like they want to be able to besexual beings and be in control
of their own pleasure.
But no, no, no, because you'regonna go to hail, right.
So close your legs and stopsinning.
You hate them, right?
And so they struggle with that,and that's one of the reasons
(36:14):
why it's so popular.
Look, I told y'all I'm gettingdeep in, real deep here, and I'm
going on and on and on.
I'm just trying to give youexamples of some of the stuff we
support and some of the stuffwe do as women that's holding us
back.
Like what you're reading, whatyou're writing, what you're
(36:34):
working toward, is it holdingyou back?
Is it holding women back as awhole?
And if you're like I don't careabout other women, then why are
you listening to this podcast?
Like this is what it's allabout is helping each other,
empowering each other so we cando better, so we can do those
bigger things right.
Getting women unstuck so theycan have the power, so they can
(36:56):
write those laws.
Cause I guarantee you, if thiswas a woman's world, we wouldn't
have wars anymore and everychild would not go hungry in the
entire world.
I guarantee it.
Tell me a woman you know in yourlife don't say Marjorie
Green-Taylor or Lauren Brebert,who would deny a child, a
starving child, dude.
(37:16):
I mean, come on, come on, likewomen need to be in power, we
need to fix this.
I told y'all we're waking up.
I don't care if you think ofcrystals and the jujitsu or
whatever.
I truly think women have a lotof power and that's why we've
been oppressed for so long.
Men know that, so they've hadto, like, keep their foot on
(37:37):
their neck, right?
I mean, if you go back beforethese man-made religions, you
can see that.
You guys see it.
I mean, come on, our menstrualcycles are usually synced up to
the moon.
That's some of the jujitsustuff.
I think we all got a little bitof witch in us and they're
scared and they should bebecause you're coming to change
the laws.
You're coming to change the lawson school shootings.
(38:00):
You're coming to change thelaws on child poverty and hunger
.
You're coming to change thelaws on the pay gap.
You're coming to change thelaws on domestic violence.
You know that things in thecourt right now, that Raminie
thing where it's like theSupreme Court has to vote on
whether men convicted ofdomestic violence who have a
(38:24):
restraining order should beallowed guns, y'all, this isn't
the fucking Supreme Court.
Why is this even a thing?
This is a no brainer.
One of the judges, or somebody,or the lawyer in that court
said something like thedifference between a battered
woman and a dead woman is a gun.
How powerful is that statement?
Y'all, wake up.
(38:46):
We have to change this for ourdaughters, for ourselves, for
the women that come after us.
Like I'm tired I know y'all aregonna be tired too, so this is
one little thing you can do.
Change the things insideyourself, change the things you
read, the things you support,what you consume, and do better.
(39:08):
And one of the things I wantedto do this year, which I have
been, is volunteering, justreaching out to some
organizations that supportcauses you like and volunteer.
One of mine is a domesticviolence shelter.
I've been doing just littlethings for them, just writing
stuff.
It's easy.
I'm doing it from home.
They all need your help.
They all can use your help.
There's a lot of coalitions.
(39:30):
There's the National Council onDomestic Violence.
You can become a member and getall kinds of great resources
and be part of their webinarsand stuff.
I plan on doing that soon.
Yeah, just look around, there'sall kinds of stuff.
So do better and put better outin the world.
And that's like do it duringthis holiday given season, right
(39:52):
, the Yuletide Blessings and allthat jazz.
Put better stuff into your headso you can put better stuff
into the world.
No more trash.
That's all I have today.
I know I've been running reallylong on these podcasts and
apologies if you're like I don'twanna hear this bitch anymore.
I just have a lot to say andI'm trying to close the year out
on a high note.
So I hope you got somethingfrom this.
(40:14):
I hope you stay safe.
I hope you feel powerful andlike the badass which you are,
because you are and you have somuch ahead of you.
If you're feeling stuck, Ipromise you you're not stuck.
You just have to changeyourself.
You can't change anybody else.
No one's gonna come save you.
You have to save yourself.
So let's get ready to kick 2024in the ass and let that be our
(40:40):
year.
Thank you so much for listening.
If you love the show, pleaseleave a rating, a review, and if
you know anyone who also mightlove the show or who could
benefit from this information,please be sure to share it and
subscribe.
The more we get this out topeople, the more people we can
(41:00):
help, and I truly believethere's so many women who need
to hear these words, because somany women are feeling stuck.
Also, if you're looking for me,you can usually find me on the
ground at author Cat Adams, andbe sure to head over to my
website and that'scatadamsadamswitha-double-d'scom
.
Subscribe to my newsletter forthe latest information.
(41:21):
Also, when you subscribe,you're gonna get a free novella.
And just be forewarned myOronti romcom is as dirty as my
mouth.
So if that's your thing, go forit.
It's super hilarious.
But thank you again for tuningin.
Until next time, please staysafe and I'll see you on the
(41:41):
other side.
Mode中国.
It's time to wake up witches.
I'm your host, cat Adams, andI'm here to remind you that, no
matter where you're at in life,you're not stuck.
Good morning If you'relistening to this in the morning
(00:31):
.
Good afternoon, good evening ifyou're not.
So today is after Thanksgivingweekend and, as you know, if
you've been listening to myprevious episodes, I've had a
long week off.
So I've been trying to.
Trying to is the keyword herework in bank, a bunch of these
(00:53):
podcast episodes, so I don'thave to work in December.
And it's not been going so well.
I've had, you know, familycoming into town and feeling
torn this way and torn that way,and having to be true to myself
(01:13):
and say, hey, I needed thistime because I was like on the
verge of a mental breakdown lastweek and it's okay.
I need this time for me to restand to just kind of check out
and check away from everybody,because, you know, I haven't had
a long time and forever.
And I'm trying to.
I'm trying to tell myselfthat's okay, because that's hard
(01:34):
y'all, that's hard choosingyourself, especially as a woman
and especially as a mom.
It's hard to choose yourself.
So I have been doing that.
But also, like you know mydaughter, she's got a friend
over and I want to do some funstuff with them and, yeah, like
(01:55):
I've been busy, so I've not beenable to bank these episodes and
only have one more day off, onemore day.
So I've decided, instead oftrying to do it all, which I
think would put me at four moreepisodes I need to record.
I'm only going to do three andI'm going to take the last week
of December off because that ismy 40th birthday and I need the
(02:21):
break.
So hopefully I will pick backup in January.
Actually, I'm going to go aheadand record one for January.
I think that makes three.
That way I don't have to comeback from my birthday
celebrations and be like, oh mygosh, I got to work.
So just some tidbits of my life.
(02:41):
You know I stay busy.
You know I stay busy and whenI'm not working at my full-time
job, I'm working with mypodcasting and my books, because
it's my passion and that's whatdrives me and makes me feel
like I'm doing good in the world, which is kind of what we're
going to talk about today.
We're going to talk about kindof the good things you can do in
(03:03):
the world and changing yourmindset and how you might be in
a mindset that is calledinternalized Misogyny.
And what is that right?
We're all guilty of it to someextent and I'm going to tell you
my story here in a bit on how Iused to be and I'm not anymore,
(03:23):
because I recognize it.
But first let me tell you whatit is.
So internalized misogyny refersto the involuntary belief by
women and the negativestereotypes and social norms
about women that are prevalentin their culture.
This phenomenon occurs whenwomen consciously or
unconsciously accept andpropagate the sexist messages
that are ingrained in society.
(03:44):
Here's some key aspects.
So origin and societal norms.
Internalized misogyny arisesfrom living in a society where
sexist attitudes and stereotypesare pervasive.
These norms and attitudes areoften absorbed unconsciously
from a young age.
It can manifest in various ways, such as women judging
(04:05):
themselves or other women,harshly reinforcing gender
stereotypes, competing withother women under patriarchal
standards or devaluing women andtheir achievements.
Women experience internalizedmisogyny.
May regulate their behaviortill line with societal
expectations of femininity,often at the cost of their own
needs and desires.
This can involve womencriticizing others for not
(04:28):
adhering to traditional genderroles or for challenging gender
norms, often without realizingthat these judgments are
grounded in sexist beliefs.
Internalized misogyny canaffect relationships between
women, leading to competitionmistrust and a lack of
solidarity and support.
It can also have negativeconsequences on mental health,
contributing to issues like lowself-esteem, anxiety and
(04:49):
depression.
The expression and impact ofinternalized misogyny can vary
significantly across differentcultures and individual
experiences.
Addressing it involvesawareness and critical
examination of one's own beliefsand attitude.
It often requires challengingsocietal norms and engaging in
feminist discourses that promotegender equality.
Education, community supportand open discussions about these
(05:13):
stereotypes and sexism plays acrucial role in helping
individuals recognize andovercome internalize misogyny,
and that's what we're going totalk about today, because I've
noticed it.
I noticed it in all women.
We all have it to an extent andI used to be so bad about this,
but I've changed my mindset andI'm so much happier and I've
(05:40):
changed the things that I put inmy head and I've gone so much
further in life in just doingthese things, where I feel like
I'm not having to constantlycompare myself, you know, to
everyone or be in a competition.
Now look, I am not perfect.
Yes, I still do this to anextent, but I don't look at
(06:03):
other women as my competition,and I used to do that, but, yes,
I do still get hard on myselffor some things.
But let's talk about this.
Let's talk about being a betteryou.
So, because this is the timenow, right, when you're trying
to gather all my new yearsresolution, what can I do to be
a better me?
What can I do to change me?
(06:23):
You know, we've gone throughall this empowering knowledge in
this podcast and in the bookand I know now, you know about
the whole woo-hoo-joo-joo, highvibration manifestation and just
being more educated on thesesubjects that affect me and my
kids in the world.
And now what?
Let's put it all together andhow do I want to go into 2024?
(06:48):
And remember when I talked aboutthat whole series is my husband
abusive or is he an asshole?
Well, you can start by notbeing an asshole yourself and
recognizing some of the stuffyou might do that makes you an
asshole.
And so first, let's talk aboutthis internalized misogyny,
(07:12):
because I'm seeing it a lot onTikTok and the.
I believe and some people hatethis term, but those that
support it are the pick me girls.
If you don't know what a pickme girl is, it's like the girl
that's like.
I'm not like other women.
I'm one of the cool girls.
(07:33):
I'm one of the ladies, man orman's lady or whatever and
they're like pick me, pick me.
I'm not like them.
I'm so much better.
I'm just not like other females.
Yada, yada, yada.
They're the women you see atthe Trump rallies that are
wearing the shirts that say I'dlet Trump grab me by the pussy.
(07:56):
Yeah, all right.
And I want to go back to acouple episodes ago, which was
only a couple days ago.
I was talking about this.
I was talking about the MattReif, the Netflix special, and I
was saying how I turned it offwithin like the first, what?
Two, three, four minutesbecause he made a domestic
violence joke.
(08:17):
That wasn't funny.
But again, like I'm not goingto support that and I didn't
know until a long time to TikTokthe other day, because you know
my love hate relationship withTikTok, I know apologies if
you've been like where is she onTikTok?
I go through phases, you'rejust going to have to accept it.
I post like a ton for monthsand then I stop and then I post
(08:38):
a ton for months again.
I just get burned out.
But I dig it on TikTok becauseI do look at it and I get like
recipes and stuff and whatever.
But Matt Reif came up on thereand a lot of women are canceling
him it's like a whole cancelculture thing, you know and he
got mad and he was like, oh well, if you were offended at my
(09:02):
jokes, then here's my officialapology.
And you click on the link inhis profile I think it was an
Instagram or whatever and itsent you to a website for
special needs helmets forchildren.
Yeah, so my intuition was spoton that this dude is a great, a
douchebag.
But I'm so proud of women notsupporting this.
(09:25):
I am so proud of women notsupporting this.
It was all over TikTok.
Women are like hell no, hell no, this isn't okay.
Like fuck you, matt Reif.
Basically like we're not goingto support you anymore.
Supposedly his career is tanking.
I don't know, I don't know hisnumbers.
I hope it is, because you knowwhat he deserves it he, what he
(09:51):
was saying was just awful.
It was just like so douchey, sofrat boy, so like it just
unattractive and disgusting, Idon't know.
And then, like he talks aboutwomen, he like fat shames women,
slut shames, women.
Oh, he was talking about womenwho love their crystals and like
(10:13):
made a best station stuff andhow we're all crazy, but if you
want my take on that subject, Ifeel like there's an awakening
going on with women in the worldFinally realizing our power and
how.
If you look into it right I'mgoing to go off on a tangent
here real quick If you look intoit and I'm not trying to offend
(10:34):
anybody, if you are, you knowone of that followers of the
Abrahamic, I think it's what'scalled religions like
Christianity and Muslim Judaism.
I don't think Judaism is one, Idon't know the male dominated
religions, the male writtenreligions.
If you look back before that,there's a lot of I don't know if
(10:55):
I'd even call them religions.
There's a lot of likespirituality and stuff.
When cultures worshiped womenand when women were held in very
high regard and they were not,like you know, servants.
They were.
They were like matriarchies andstuff.
They were very powerful.
And then men came in anddestroyed it all.
(11:17):
And I was walking in nature theother day and look, I'm just
gonna.
You know my beliefs.
I'm not religious.
I don't follow any one religion.
I'm really not quite sure whatI believe.
I definitely believe, like, inthe feminine power.
And I'm just walking in naturethe other day and I was just
looking around and I was likenature and archer and I was
(11:40):
doing my walking meditation andI'm like I don't think a man
could have made this stuff.
I don't think a man could havemade these beautiful flowers and
beautiful trees and the birdssinging and the bunnies hopping
around and the deer playing.
I don't think a man made that.
I just don't, I don't, I don't.
I mean, it's so beautiful, it'sso lovely, it's such feminine
(12:04):
energy when you step out ofnature.
I think a woman did it, but I'mgonna leave that right there.
I don't know how I got off onthat tangent and talking about
matriarch, but so I was proud ofthese women for stopping
supporting matriarch.
But when I was looking at thoseTikToks, of course there were
(12:25):
the TikToks of the men who werelike oh, sensitive, feminine
women.
And also there were the TikToksof women saying like women just
need to grow up.
Women need to be stopping sosensitive.
I want to go see Matt Reif.
Still, I'll buy your tickets ifyou want to get rid of your
tickets album.
That's a pit me girl, all right.
(12:48):
And it's also the wholeinternalized misogyny, like how
do you expect women to do betterand get further ahead when you
don't support your fellow women,like I don't understand it.
Why wouldn't you?
You know, just because thiswoman's story isn't your own
(13:09):
experience, we all, I canguarantee you, we all have
experiences with, like adangerous male, a predatory male
, sexual harassment, yada, yada,yada.
That's just the nature of it.
We do.
And for pick me girls or I'mjust gonna call them pick me
(13:34):
girls I don't have another namefor them Like the internalized
misogynist ladies for you tosupport that, like you're not
doing us females any favors.
We never going to be in charge,and a lot of you want that
because it goes back to theinternalized misogyny you don't
believe we should be.
(13:55):
You believe that narrative thatmen say to keep women from being
in power, oh well, she mightget her period and she's super
emotional, so we can't have awoman in power.
Have you seen Trump on a tiradeand women, y'all listen to that
and you believe it and you'relike, oh yeah, women are so
crazy and you internalize thisbullshit and it's like you're
(14:22):
brainwashed.
I mean, you're brainwashed.
Same with religions that sayyou know, women shouldn't be in
church and men should be thehead of households, and yada,
yada, yada.
If you want to believe that,for yourself fine, but don't put
those beliefs on other women.
Don't say this woman shouldn'tbe out here doing this because I
(14:43):
can't do that, because you knowwhat a lot of this also comes
from, I have learned it alsocomes from a lot of its jealousy
.
So a lot of this internalizedmisogyny is actually jealousy,
and I'm going to tell you myexperience with this.
(15:04):
I used to have a very negativeattitude, probably in my early
20s, I think, especially aboutother women, and most of it was
jealousy.
I was going to church, I was aChristian and you know the
modest culture thing, and I wasa jealous woman.
(15:26):
I was, I was a jealous womanand I used to put other women
down that weren't like me, or Iwould think I was holier than
now and I was just better, and Isurrounded myself by people who
did the same.
I had very close people in mylife who had the exact same
(15:50):
catty attitude, and when Istarted like working on myself,
I got out of religion and I juststarted seeing the good in
people and like I felt betterabout myself, oh, you know what
kind of came in at the same time.
So I had struggled with myweight back then too, and I'm
(16:14):
sure this played a ton in it.
I struggled with my weight andI lost like 40 pounds and I felt
good about myself and I didn'tfeel jealous anymore about other
women because, first, I'mfocusing on myself.
Second, I feel good aboutmyself, I feel confident and
third, I didn't like like thenegative consequences of my
(16:34):
behavior, the negative mentalhealth space.
So I completely transformed mylife and I slowly got rid of
most of that toxicity.
Of course, it always creepsback in y'all, it always creeps
back in right.
So I didn't think like thatanymore.
(16:55):
And then I had, like, metfriends all right, so-called, I
thought, friends and they werelike you need to go to this
church thing.
It's just a women's retreat.
I know it's church, but youneed to go to it.
And I went and it was like thiswoman's class.
And the woman, the speaker, waslike don't you just hate that
(17:17):
woman?
That's got it all together andshe's got like she bakes these
cookies from scratch and she'sgot her house clean.
I don't know.
And I'm like don't I just hatethat woman?
No, I don't think like thatanymore.
I'm so far beyond that, in fact, like I'll look at a woman like
that and like, damn it.
I need to do better.
I don't not like screw you,bitch, I hate you.
(17:38):
I'm so jealous.
No, it's like huh, how does shedo that?
I wonder what tips I can takefrom this situation and do
better for myself, and I don'tknow.
I think that's a lot healthier,is it?
I think so, anyways, yeah, so Iwent to that and I'm like you
(17:58):
know, I can't do it.
That was the only class Iattended.
I dropped those people for mylife, turns out they were a big
bunch of Karens anyways,obviously because they would do
the same thing.
And then, you know, I had otherfriends in my life and we would
go out and they would be like,just talking about other women
Ooh, can you see what she'swearing?
(18:19):
And I dropped them too, like Ijust I can't, I just can't.
And then I have some women inmy life who, if they see another
girl that's prettier than themor that is happy and live in
life, and she may dressdifferent and she's, you know,
(18:42):
pretty, and they feel threatenedor something in some kind of
way.
They have a name for thosewomen and I don't even wanna say
it because I don't want anybody, I don't wanna call anybody out
on my podcast, but they have aname for those women and they're
always like did you see that?
You know, named a woman?
Did you see that?
(19:02):
I mean, I'm not, I'm not doingit.
She was just, and the latesttime was like this person was
talking to me and she's like, ohyeah, she just got divorced and
she was over there and she'sgot these tattoos and she's
wearing her short shorts andjust laughing and smiling and
she just she looked like one ofthese women.
(19:23):
And just the bitterness in thisgirl's voice as she was telling
me this, or this woman's voicewho was acting like a little
girl as she was telling me this,I was just like I kind of felt
like, well, that was me a fewyears ago after my divorce,
laughing and feeling free.
She should be feeling great forthis woman.
(19:43):
But instead, no, she's jealousof this woman, and it comes down
to again, jealousy over youdon't have confidence in
yourself, or jealousy oversomeone living a lifestyle that
you don't allow yourself to live.
And that can go back toreligion, because some of us are
like, how dare she be wearing abathing suit and frolicking on
(20:04):
the beach?
Because I don't allow myself towear a bathing suit.
I wear a potato sack becauseI'm modest, because Jesus, or
because my husband doesn't wantanyone to see my goodies except
me.
So how dare she be wearing that?
And again that you putting yourvalues on somebody else and
that's bullshit.
And it's internalized misogynyover like the whole religious
(20:26):
thing and you're trying tocontrol somebody else and what
they do and what they say andhow they look.
But it's also internalizedmisogyny because you're jealous.
Come on, let's just admit it.
You're jealous that woman'shappy and you're oppressed and
you don't want to admit it.
So because another womandoesn't fall in line with your
lifestyle and your values,because another woman might
(20:46):
choose something different,because another woman might have
casual sex, because there'sthis whole saying oh my gosh, a
lot to unpack around femalesexuality that I'm not even
gonna go into.
Because apparently women aren'tsupposed to have sex, women
aren't supposed to enjoy sex,women aren't supposed to be sexy
(21:07):
.
But then again, we are supposedto be sexy.
I don't know lots of mixedmessages here and women love
judging other women on that.
They love it, they love it.
That's like how dare she be outthere gallivant and having
casual sex because that's a sinand she needs to close her legs
and blah, blah, blah, and itcomes down to jealousy.
(21:30):
You judge in other womenbecause they're out there having
fun, they're in control oftheir life, they're not
oppressed by some you knowwhatever religious text or
values that don't align withyour values, and you jealous
because they're happy.
So how about you just mind yourown business, keep your
(21:53):
opinions to yourself and unpacksome of the stuff that you may
be thinking about other womenand how it relates to you.
So if you see a woman out therelike killing it in her career
and she's got kids at home, andyou're like, well, yeah, she
should be spending time with herkids instead of working,
(22:16):
because women supposed to beraising their kids.
Same thing with, like the casualsex thing.
Like that's your values, that'swhat you believe.
Why would you pin that onanother woman?
How will we ever progress aswomen if we're pitted against
each other all the time?
And I know people cringe whenthey talk about the patriarchy,
but this is the way it's set up.
It's set up to brainwash you tobelieve other women are your
(22:40):
enemy and they're not.
Gosh, I could go on about thisforever, so all I'm gonna say
there is maybe you can stoppinning your values and beliefs
on other women and work onyourself and stop judging other
women for living their best lifeand for the choices they make.
(23:02):
If they don't align with yours,that's okay.
That's their life, it doesn'taffect you.
Get over it.
Check in with your jealouslylevel.
If you're jealous, work onyourself.
If you're like, hey, she'sbeautiful, she looks so much
better than me, you know, andI'm struggling with this weight,
go work out.
Don't look over there.
(23:22):
Look in the mirror Like it'sokay to you know.
Struggle with yourself.
But don't take that out onother people, especially your
pillow women.
Like again, they want usfighting with any other.
So deal with your internalizedmisogyny First and stop and
(23:48):
think when you feel like, oh, Ihate that woman because she's so
perfect.
Instead, like, check in withyourself.
Why are you being a bitter cow?
I mean, I'm not trying to evenbe mean about it Like a lot of
women I had in my life arebeautiful and I would think they
(24:09):
look so perfect on the outside,but the way they talk about
other women is just gross anddisgusting.
And if you have people in yourlife like this, don't have women
in your life like that anymore.
Like women, support other women.
Those are the successful womenyou need to surround yourself
with so you can go further inlife, not women who are dragging
(24:31):
other women down.
Women need to lift each otherup.
If you don't have those womenin your life, get rid of them.
I promise you you're not gonnamiss it.
Like that's that negative, darkdoo-doo energy we talk about
all the time.
Get rid of it.
So, moving on to topic two,after the internalized misogyny,
and you deal with all that shitin your head and all that
bitterness and you get rid ofall the negative, dark, doo-doo
(24:53):
energy in your head and in yourlife.
You're going to think aboutwhat you support and what you
put inside your head, and Ifound a great quote on this.
It says when you choose what towatch or read, you're choosing
your future.
Thoughts and perspectives Onlyconsume what you'd like to
(25:13):
become.
And I just like snatched thisoff of a Facebook recommended it
to me from, like, mark Mansonwhoever that is I hope he's not
like a douchebag, because thatwas a good quote.
So I've always said if you puttrash in, you get trash out.
So there's some things I don'tI don't put in my head.
One of those is and this isn'tI'm not judging on this at all
(25:36):
Like.
This is just me and this is asimple example.
It's nothing like, it's nothingdetrimental or harmful.
I don't watch horror movies.
I mean I will watch somethingscary but I won't put.
I won't watch horror moviesbecause when I put that in my
head and this is like a physicalexample I get it.
I guess it could be physical.
(25:57):
I get it out Like I havenightmares.
Maybe it's cause of trauma, Idon't know, but I just don't
feel good.
I don't.
I can't get it out of my head.
So I put trash in there, I gettrash out.
I feel like crap.
You know, after a few days Idon't like watching people being
like tortured or anything likethat.
(26:18):
It just does not make me feelgood.
Now, that's not to say not onlywatch happy, feel good movies.
Hell, no, I actually like stuffthat just breaks my heart and
does not be tied up with a happybow.
That's why I don't read a lotof romance.
I don't like a happy ending.
I need something to rip myheart out, stomp on it and make
me think for a few days, notmake me like feel ill and
(26:38):
disgusted because I just watcheda human being tortured Like I
need a love story that brings meinto life, you know, in a
horrible way at the end, likesomebody dies, not, but not like
with a chainsaw.
So that's kind of like aphysical example, I guess, of
you put trash in, you get trashout.
Same with news.
Be careful in what news sourcesyou watch.
(27:00):
If you consume news all day,you know you feel like shit.
So I told y'all before I needto do better at this because I'm
regressing.
I read news on Reddit usuallyand that's my news source and I
just read it once a day.
Once a day, not before bed, notfirst thing in the morning,
like around lunchtime.
(27:20):
So I don't want to get trashout of my head, because reading
the news can be like putting aton of trash in your head.
So be careful what you read,what you consume, yada, yada,
yada.
Same with hey.
You can relate this to food.
If you're drinking a bunch ofalcohol and eating a bunch of
fried foods and sugars, what doyou think you're gonna get out
(27:42):
of that?
You're gonna feel like shit.
You're probably gonna look likeshit, unless you're one of
those lucky women we hate, right, with the good genes.
But it's gonna make your healthgo down.
You're gonna feel like trash.
You eat trash.
You're gonna feel like trash.
And you know, I think this isfunny because my brand is so
trashy.
I'm so trashy and I can jokeabout it, you know what?
(28:04):
Because it's my own trauma,it's my own shit.
So I can joke about it.
But in the reality is, I don'tput trash in my head.
And there's a couple of thingsI wanna point out to you along
these lines, and then we'regonna wrap it up.
But one is that recent.
Let me bring it up here on mycomputer.
It's the recent statistic Itold y'all about in my previous
(28:27):
podcast, and it's porn.
You know, it is 88.2% ofphysical violence in the popular
form.
There was a study yada, yada,yada, popular porn.
88.2% of that had physicalviolence against women.
48.7% of it had verbal or namecalling against women.
(28:49):
Porn culture has gotten out ofhand y'all.
I'm not judging if you'relooking at it, whatever, I don't
give a shit.
I'm just telling you thereality of it and you can do
better.
Is there ethical porn sites outthere?
I don't know.
I think so.
They're probably like the paidstuff.
I don't know.
I don't know.
I haven't done that research.
I'm just telling you about pornand how women are like oh well,
(29:13):
you know, all men do it andyada, yada, it's okay, blah,
blah, blah.
But you're supporting Anindustry that is not supporting
women.
If you look into it, a lot ofthose women are trafficked,
they're abused, they're coerced,they're like you know, they're
(29:33):
director or whatever it'll belike oh, this person signed a
contract to not do this sexualact, but when it gets going,
they coerce them into doing thatsexual act and it's just, it's
sad what happens in thatindustry.
Go look it up, do research,watch the documentary.
I think there's one on, I thinkit's Netflix, I don't know it's
(29:55):
.
Porn industry is really harmfulto women and it's making the men
think this is what we want, thephysical violence and again I
go back to that other quote.
It was like I forget who saidit, but it was women.
Men can't empathize withwomen's pain because they're too
busy jerking off to it, likethey get off on the rape and the
(30:20):
torture and all that shit likespitting on women, slapping
women, and it can conditionwomen to believe that's what
they want too.
And I think I've talked aboutthat euphoria seen before on
here.
But yeah, that was very tellingIf you've seen euphoria where
it's like those teenagers andit's the first time they're
(30:41):
doing it and like he chokes heror something and she freaks out
and he's like I didn't know, Ithought that's what I was
supposed to do, and like shefelt like so violated because he
learned it from porn.
So I know we like to makeexcuses for men on oh well, you
(31:04):
know every man does it Blah,blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
And yeah, but first work onyourself.
You know that's what it'salways about.
It's not changing your partner.
You need to change yourself andyou need to see stuff
differently and the reality ofit.
Like, if you support that stuff, then you know you're not
helping us get any further,you're not helping us make
(31:26):
progress.
And another thing also it's notonly what you watch.
That's like going back to MattRye as soon as he made that
comment about domestic violenceclick, turn it off.
Didn't support it.
Those women on TikTok who werelike I'm canceling this mofo,
great, that is what I'm talkingabout.
Turn it off.
Don't give them your valuabletime and your valuable energy.
(31:49):
You are too valuable to stoopthat low.
Just turn it off, move on,choose better, do better.
Another thing is the books.
The books oh my gosh, I'm gonnaget a lot of flack for this
always do.
And it's a big reason why Ijust got disgusted with the
romance community, because whenI was writing, you know the
(32:09):
bully romance.
I've said it a million times,you're gonna hear it again Bully
romance was big.
What's bully romance?
Oh, it's basically when youknow a man abuses this woman and
she's like but I love him andthen all of a sudden he changes.
Yeah, bullshit.
And I always get countered with.
But you don't go after women whowere writing about killing
(32:32):
somebody or horror books andblah, blah, blah.
The difference between thesebooks is these women ain't
falling in love with a man who'slike in a horror story, gonna
kill them or whatever.
Maybe they are, but it doesn'tshow the man like changing and
loving her back or whatever like.
(32:53):
No, that's not real.
It's not real in abusivesituations and we need to stop
giving telling women this.
We need to stop.
Stop telling women he'll change.
Stop telling women.
You know that it's okay to bewith a man and yada, yada, yada
who's like that, because maybehe'll change or maybe you can, I
(33:14):
don't know pray they abuse awayor whatever.
Stop telling women that.
Stop telling it through theirbooks.
You know, if you're.
I know a lot of romance authorsthat I respect, but they're
writing this stuff about likewomen being kidnapped and carved
up on their stomach with aman's initials and a knife and
they're like, well, I love him.
(33:36):
And all of a sudden at the endit's like, oh well, you know, I
love you, woman and I'm gonnachange for you, or I'm gonna
just do this to other peopleinstead of you and they fall in
love with these psychos.
We're responsible for puttingthat stuff out there as authors,
but also as readers, and you'relike, oh well, I like that.
(33:57):
That's my kink, or you kinkshame, and I think some kink
should be shamed.
Unpopular opinion but yeah, didy'all even see there's like
some pedophilia stuff goingaround?
That's like we should supportpedophiles, or are you fucking
kidding me?
No, are we this far lost?
Women?
Get control of yourselves.
It's okay to like wanna readstuff.
(34:21):
You know where I get it.
I think a lot of the popularthing was with being kidnapped.
Is you got a man finally totake you away from all this shit
like screaming kids and washingdishes and whatever he's just
going to you know, take care ofyou, but make the decisions so
you don't have to use your brainto make the decisions.
And a lot of it's also goesback to the internalized massage
(34:45):
.
Anywhere women can't and I'mabout to go deep here women
can't be responsible for theirown pleasure because it's sinful
and it's wrong.
So if you're forced in like akidnapping, rapy situation to do
that, then it's okay Becausethat's not you choosing to be
sinful.
You know what I mean.
I told you I was gonna go deephere.
(35:07):
It's that too.
If you look at other cultures Idid.
I found a study.
I think it might've been Sweden, that, or maybe it was
Switzerland, one of thoseScandinavian countries that
always has their shit together.
That kind of romance books,things like that bully romance
and like dark romance, isn'tpopular at all.
(35:29):
Like women actually reject it.
They don't care for thatbecause they haven't been
oppressed.
Where they feel like grown upin like a super oppressive
religious type setting wherethat would be okay and where
they feel like they can't be incontrol of their own sexuality,
(35:52):
like they're fighting this whatis it called Cognitive distance
on their sexuality, on their ownpleasure?
Like they want to be able to besexual beings and be in control
of their own pleasure.
But no, no, no, because you'regonna go to hail, right.
So close your legs and stopsinning.
You hate them, right?
And so they struggle with that,and that's one of the reasons
(36:14):
why it's so popular.
Look, I told y'all I'm gettingdeep in, real deep here, and I'm
going on and on and on.
I'm just trying to give youexamples of some of the stuff we
support and some of the stuffwe do as women that's holding us
back.
Like what you're reading, whatyou're writing, what you're
(36:34):
working toward, is it holdingyou back?
Is it holding women back as awhole?
And if you're like I don't careabout other women, then why are
you listening to this podcast?
Like this is what it's allabout is helping each other,
empowering each other so we cando better, so we can do those
bigger things right.
Getting women unstuck so theycan have the power, so they can
(36:56):
write those laws.
Cause I guarantee you, if thiswas a woman's world, we wouldn't
have wars anymore and everychild would not go hungry in the
entire world.
I guarantee it.
Tell me a woman you know in yourlife don't say Marjorie
Green-Taylor or Lauren Brebert,who would deny a child, a
starving child, dude.
(37:16):
I mean, come on, come on, likewomen need to be in power, we
need to fix this.
I told y'all we're waking up.
I don't care if you think ofcrystals and the jujitsu or
whatever.
I truly think women have a lotof power and that's why we've
been oppressed for so long.
Men know that, so they've hadto, like, keep their foot on
(37:37):
their neck, right?
I mean, if you go back beforethese man-made religions, you
can see that.
You guys see it.
I mean, come on, our menstrualcycles are usually synced up to
the moon.
That's some of the jujitsustuff.
I think we all got a little bitof witch in us and they're
scared and they should bebecause you're coming to change
the laws.
You're coming to change the lawson school shootings.
(38:00):
You're coming to change thelaws on child poverty and hunger
.
You're coming to change thelaws on the pay gap.
You're coming to change thelaws on domestic violence.
You know that things in thecourt right now, that Raminie
thing where it's like theSupreme Court has to vote on
whether men convicted ofdomestic violence who have a
(38:24):
restraining order should beallowed guns, y'all, this isn't
the fucking Supreme Court.
Why is this even a thing?
This is a no brainer.
One of the judges, or somebody,or the lawyer in that court
said something like thedifference between a battered
woman and a dead woman is a gun.
How powerful is that statement?
Y'all, wake up.
(38:46):
We have to change this for ourdaughters, for ourselves, for
the women that come after us.
Like I'm tired I know y'all aregonna be tired too, so this is
one little thing you can do.
Change the things insideyourself, change the things you
read, the things you support,what you consume, and do better.
(39:08):
And one of the things I wantedto do this year, which I have
been, is volunteering, justreaching out to some
organizations that supportcauses you like and volunteer.
One of mine is a domesticviolence shelter.
I've been doing just littlethings for them, just writing
stuff.
It's easy.
I'm doing it from home.
They all need your help.
They all can use your help.
There's a lot of coalitions.
(39:30):
There's the National Council onDomestic Violence.
You can become a member and getall kinds of great resources
and be part of their webinarsand stuff.
I plan on doing that soon.
Yeah, just look around, there'sall kinds of stuff.
So do better and put better outin the world.
And that's like do it duringthis holiday given season, right
(39:52):
, the Yuletide Blessings and allthat jazz.
Put better stuff into your headso you can put better stuff
into the world.
No more trash.
That's all I have today.
I know I've been running reallylong on these podcasts and
apologies if you're like I don'twanna hear this bitch anymore.
I just have a lot to say andI'm trying to close the year out
on a high note.
So I hope you got somethingfrom this.
(40:14):
I hope you stay safe.
I hope you feel powerful andlike the badass which you are,
because you are and you have somuch ahead of you.
If you're feeling stuck, Ipromise you you're not stuck.
You just have to changeyourself.
You can't change anybody else.
No one's gonna come save you.
You have to save yourself.
So let's get ready to kick 2024in the ass and let that be our
(40:40):
year.
Thank you so much for listening.
If you love the show, pleaseleave a rating, a review, and if
you know anyone who also mightlove the show or who could
benefit from this information,please be sure to share it and
subscribe.
The more we get this out topeople, the more people we can
(41:00):
help, and I truly believethere's so many women who need
to hear these words, because somany women are feeling stuck.
Also, if you're looking for me,you can usually find me on the
ground at author Cat Adams, andbe sure to head over to my
website and that'scatadamsadamswitha-double-d'scom
.
Subscribe to my newsletter forthe latest information.
(41:21):
Also, when you subscribe,you're gonna get a free novella.
And just be forewarned myOronti romcom is as dirty as my
mouth.
So if that's your thing, go forit.
It's super hilarious.
But thank you again for tuningin.
Until next time, please staysafe and I'll see you on the
(41:41):
other side.
Mode中国.
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