February 26, 2024 • 31 mins
Hop aboard the no-bs train and listen up. In this episode, we're continuing to hack the minds of abusive men and arm ourselves with the knowledge of why he behaves like a lunatic. We're continuing Lundy Bancroft's book study series, and specifically digging into detailed hard truths today. So, put on your big girl panties, and let's go.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
It's time to wake up witches.
I'm your host, cat Adams, andI'm here to remind you that, no
matter where you're at in life,you're not stuck you?
What's up again.
(00:29):
I am back and I'm recording onthe day of a full moon, so I
hope this podcast brings you allthe good juju, because I'm
hoping the full moon brings meall the good juju.
Today I'm doing like my crystalcharging.
I'm gonna do a milk bath andjust get all up in my feels
(00:52):
today because it's Saturday andI had a long Work week.
Y'all know about my work, mynew job, all that stressful
stuff.
So today I'm spending timerelaxing with my family.
We're gonna go do some stuffaround downtown Memphis and Just
(01:14):
have a good time, basically.
And I'm looking for a tripbecause I need to go somewhere,
like I need to go somewhere.
So if you have any likesuggestions of Relaxing places,
I ain't going back to crowdedDisney, ain't going back to
crowded New York City, but Ineed somewhere, and I'm
(01:35):
undecided on when.
That's gonna be probably abeach in Florida, but I don't
know if I'm gonna do the samething we usually do or not.
Anyways, I'm just rambling out.
I'm gonna go ahead and getstarted today because this
chapter is a bit long, so I havea lot to discuss and read to
(01:55):
y'all.
And again, if you're justlogging on to Logging on, you
don't log on to a podcast.
If you're just tuning in, I amgoing over the book.
So it's kind of like a bookstudy series.
We're doing the book called whydoes he do that inside the
minds of angry and controllingmen by Lundy Bancroft.
So the previous two episodeswe've been talking about like
(02:19):
Basically, why does he do that?
What is going on inside theirmind, and we've been kind of
demystifying the mystery andCalling out myths that are
bullshit.
And now I'm gonna tell you sometruths, some hard truths, some
reality.
So this chapter, chapter three,is called the abusive mentality.
(02:41):
So some of the things you mightthink when you're thinking
about the abusive mentality andyour toxic partner, who comes in
many different shades ofasshole, could be his attitude
always seems to be you owe me.
He manages to twist everythingaround, so that's my fault.
I feel suffocated by him.
(03:02):
He's trying to ruin my life.
I Mean, he's trying to run mylife.
I'm not going back in it andthat it's both.
It's both bitches, and you knowit.
Everyone seems to think he'sthe greatest guy in the world.
I wish they could see the sideof him that I have to live with.
He says he loves me so much, sowhy does he treat me like this?
And Matt goes on to say when Iworked with an abused woman, my
(03:24):
first goal is to help her toregain trust in herself, to get
her to rely on her ownPerceptions, to listen to her
own internal voices.
You don't really need an experton abuse to explain your life
to you.
What you do need, above all, issome support and encouragement
to hold on to your own truth.
Your abusive partner wants todeny your experience.
He wants to pluck your view ofreality out of your head and
(03:47):
replace it with his.
When someone has invaded youridentity in this way Enough
times, you naturally start tolose your balance, but you can
find your way back to center,and I'm just gonna have that as
a plug for my book.
You're not stuck, because thatis exactly what I do and my book
, and so what I do in ourpodcast.
(04:07):
Right, we are working onourselves and building back up
what we lost.
After all the time he's spentMaking us feel so confused and
breaking us down, we're comingback together within ourselves
and we're starting with self.
And that's what it's all about,because that's what you gotta
do to get out of the toxicity.
(04:29):
So, moving on to realities,reality number one is he is
controlling.
Now, like I said, this is along chapter, so I'm not gonna
go into these, all of these, infull detail, but Let me talk to
you a little bit about hiscontrolling behavior and the
(04:49):
spheres of control.
Matt says an abusive man'scontrol generally falls into one
or more of the followingcentral spheres Arguments and
decision-making.
An intimate relationshipinvolves a steady flow of
decisions to be made,conflicting needs to negotiate,
taste and desires to balance.
Who is going to clean up themess in the kitchen?
(05:10):
How much time should we spendalone together and how much with
other friends?
Where do our other hobbies andinterests fit into our
priorities?
How will we proceed and resolveannoyances or hurt feelings?
What rules will we have for ourchildren?
The mindset that an abuserbrings to these choices and
tensions can make him impossibleto get along with.
Consider how challenging it isto negotiate or compromise with
(05:32):
a man who operates on thefollowing tenants, whether he
says them aloud or not.
This is what he's thinkingy'all.
And to make this moreinteresting, I'm just going to
use a douchebag voice.
Ok, an argument should onlylast as long as my patience does
.
Once I've had enough, thediscussion's over and it's time
for you to shut up.
Wow, my douchebag impression'sgot a southern accent.
(05:55):
That's interesting, but notsurprising.
If the issue we're strugglingover is important to me, I
should get what I want.
If you don't back off, you'rewrong in me.
I know what's best for you andfor our relationship.
If you continue disagreeingwith me after I've made it clear
which path is the right one,you're acting stupid.
(06:15):
If my controlling authority's Ihave stopped this podcast so
many times to go back becauseI'm laughing hard doing this.
All right, I'm putting on mygame here.
I'm trying to mix up a littlebit.
Y'all.
I don't want this to be superdark.
You know me, I can't be serious.
If my controlling authorityseem to be slipping, I have the
(06:39):
right to take steps toreestablish the rule of my will,
including abuse if necessary.
All right, back to this moreconservative approach.
Last item on this list is thatis the one that most
distinguishes the abuser fromother people.
Perhaps any of us can slip intohaving feelings like the ones
in numbers one through three.
(06:59):
But the abuser gives himselfpermission to take action on the
basis of his beliefs.
With him, the foregoingstatements aren't feelings.
They are closely heldconvictions that he uses to
guide his actions.
That is why they lead to somuch bullying behavior.
Moving on to more of thesespheres of control Personal
(07:23):
freedom so we all know what thisis.
An abusive man often considershis right to control where his
partner goes, whom sheassociates with, what she wears
and when she needs to be backhome.
He therefore feels that sheshould be grateful for any
freedom that he does choose togrant her.
All right, I mean, that'spretty self-explanatory.
He goes on and says sometimesthis controls exercise through
(07:45):
wearing a woman down withconstant low-level complaints,
rather than through yelling orbarking orders.
The abuser may repeatedly makenegative comments about one of
his partner's friends, forexample, so that she gradually
stops seeing her acquaintance,to save herself the hassle.
In fact, she might even believeit was her own decision.
Not noticing how her abuserpressured her into it Is the
(08:06):
abusive man's thinking distorted.
Certainly, a man's partner isnot his child and the freedoms
he grants her are not credits tobe spent like chips when the
urge to control her arises.
But his rules make sense to himand he will fight to hang on to
them.
Isolation is a big thing andsometimes you don't know it's
happening to you, and thishappened in my relationship as
(08:28):
well.
Like any friends I had, theyusually didn't last long.
There was some way that myabuser had manipulated my
relationship with him to where Ididn't wanna hang around them
anymore unless it benefited himin a way.
(08:51):
So if we had couples friendswho what is the word I'm looking
for If we had couples friendswho enabled him and his bad
behavior and decisions, then hewould hang on to them.
But yeah, I mean taking awayyour personal freedoms like
(09:15):
that's a pretty obvious one.
And Matt moves on to parentingtoo.
He says that the couple haschildren.
The abusive man typicallyconsiders himself the authority
on parenting, even if hecontributes little to the actual
work of looking after them,which most do.
He sees himself as a wise andbenevolent head coach who
(09:36):
watches passively from thesidelines during the easy times,
but steps in with the correctapproach when his partner isn't
handling the children properly.
His arrogance about thesuperiority of his parenting
judgment may be matched only byhow little he truly understands
or pays attention to thechildren's needs.
No matter how good a mother andhis partner is, he thinks she
needs to learn from him, not theother worry around.
(09:57):
Oh my God, I'm experiencingthis now, y'all, holy shit.
So you know, I'm divorced,right From ex-Dushi ex-Dushi
husband, yeah, and we have adaughter and unfortunately we
have the shared custody wherehe's supposed to get her every
other weekend.
He does not.
He only gets her on Saturdaysbecause he doesn't.
(10:19):
He's not a responsible parent.
He basically doesn't do anyparenting at all.
It never has, but he doesn't doshit.
I do all the school stuff, I doall the homework, I do all like.
I'm taking her to tutoring nowbecause she's like her mama, she
struggles with math, and he putme through so much crap wanting
(10:46):
to get his name up at herschool so he could be involved
in her schooling At least that'swhat he said, just so he could
have that control.
Come on, we know what it was.
Because he doesn't want to dothe homework.
He's never taken her to school.
He's picked her up maybe likefive times total that she's been
here and y'all her schoolcommute I think I've said it
before is 40 minutes each way.
(11:07):
So I have to wake up in themorning, start work at six my
quote unquote lunch break isspent taking my daughter to
school, so I spent like threehours commuting to and from her
school.
That's another topic.
Anyways, she's not doing good inmath and now that he tried to,
(11:28):
he wanted to get control of whatshe's doing at school by acting
like he's Mr Concerned, amazingParent and going up to the
parent teacher conferences andgetting his name on everything.
He's logged in and looked ather grades and her grades in
math aren't good.
Do you want to know who'sthought that is?
(11:48):
Who's thought?
He says that is Mois steal.
Y'all.
I've been divorced since like2019 and I steal unfortunately
get abused through text.
We don't talk.
I don't ever talk to him.
I try like.
I hardly ever communicate withhim unless I have to, but this
(12:11):
is just one example.
I still deal with it.
At least I know what it is.
Now you know.
But he reached out on taxing.
He's like have you seen hergrade?
This is because she stays uptoo late and she's talking to
her friends or something andblah, blah, blah.
Now, yes, she stays up late,but he has no idea what's going
(12:34):
on in my house.
He doesn't know like anythingabout her homework or even offer
to help or any of that.
But he was essentially blamingme and he's said other things in
the past.
Like you know, I need to dothis and I need to do that.
And he always says, well, whenshe's over here she's perfectly
(12:58):
fine, there's no problems.
When she's over here she's justsuch a sweet angel, right, and
so is he, and they just getalong.
Meanwhile she's telling me likedifferent stories and it's just
like that is an example of theparenting thing how, no matter
(13:19):
how good a mother his partner isI think I'm pretty damn good
mom he thinks she needs to learnfrom him.
I learned a shit from him.
Fuck him, I ain't doing shit.
His ways because his ways ishands off 99% of the parenting.
Okay, like no, I actually takecare of my kid, all right.
(13:40):
Moving on, and that was just alittle bit of a story and a
little bit of a rant, but I hopeby me interjecting some of
these personal experiences, youcan, one, see my authenticity
and, two, understand a littlebit more about your situation,
because I think some of mine isrelatable.
(14:01):
He says when a man starts myprogram, he often says I am here
because I lose control myselfsometimes.
I need to get a better grip.
I always correct him.
I say your problem is not thatyou lose control of yourself,
it's that you take control ofyour partner.
In order to change, you don'tneed to gain control over
(14:21):
yourself, you need to let go ofcontrol of her, and we know that
don't ever happen.
They're not going to do that.
Oh my gosh.
You have to like, dig intotheir core beliefs and do all
this work, and they're not goingto do that.
So, like I could just closethis book and tell you just
leave him, get divorced afteryou have a safety plan, okay,
(14:43):
you got to make sure you're safefirst, but it's come on, I say
it all the time, you're notgoing to change him, he will not
change.
You have to change yourself.
So if that's the answer you'relooking for, when you listen to
my podcast and you read my books, like I'm telling you right now
, don't read my stuff thinking,oh, she's going to say the magic
words I need to hear so he willchange.
(15:05):
Nah, bitch, I'm not.
Like.
There are no magic words.
The magic words are you have tochange meaning, you have to
enlighten yourself so you canfigure out a way out, because he
is not going to save you, youhave to save yourself.
Moving on to reality number two,he feels entitled.
I love this one because this isso true, so many entitled ass
(15:28):
men out there.
Entitlement is the abuser'sbelief that he has a special
status and that it provides himwith exclusive rights and
privileges that do not apply tohis partner.
The attitude that drives abusecan largely be summarized by
this one word.
To understand entitlement, wefirst need to look at how rights
should be properly, shouldproperly be conceived of, in a
couple or family.
Let me just say entitlement howhe says.
(15:52):
They believe abusers believethey have a special status.
That can come in many differentways.
My ex used to say I'm special,you have to handle me with care,
because my brain doesn't workthis certain way and I get
overloaded and overstimulatedand I lash out.
That's why he was abusivebecause he was special, I had to
(16:12):
handle him with special care.
Those were his words.
He has something wrong in hisbrain, like a chemical imbalance
or something.
He's special basically,seriously, that's what he's
always telling me.
He's special and not in a waylike, oh, I'm so much better
than you, even though he wasthinking that it was in a way
like he mentally can't handle it, like bullshit.
(16:34):
He's a grown ass man who couldhandle his temper, who could
handle his behavior.
I seen him do it all the timeoutside of the house.
Inside of the house no, he tookit out on me.
So no, he ain't special, he'sentitled.
There's a graph mat has, andit's three circles, and all
three on the top.
(16:55):
Well, two on the top, or this,equal size, and one's just tiny,
tiny, tiny smaller, no, muchsmaller.
And in that, in these threecircles, one circles got man in
it, one circles got woman in it,their equal Size, and then
children in the next one.
That's just a teeny, tiny bitsmaller.
That's how it should be.
(17:16):
But the abusive man sees him asa huge ass circle, and then the
woman in a Much smaller circleand then the children in a
circle that's kind of a littlebit less than the woman.
That's how they perceive yourrights.
So he goes on to say theabusive man awards himself all
(17:37):
kinds of rights, includingPhysical caretaking, emotional
caretaking, sexual caretaking,deference and freedom from
accountability.
Physical caretaking is the focusof the more traditionally
minded abuser.
He sees you essentially as anunpaid servant.
You're the one doing the dishes, you're doing all the unpaid
labor, you're doing theparenting, you're cleaning the
(18:00):
house, yada, yada, yada.
That's physical caretaking.
Interwoven with the abusersover evaluation of his work is
the devaluation of his partner'slabor as well.
And then he goes on toemotional caretaking that can be
even more important thanhomemaking services.
To the modern abuser he sayswhen I have new clients, I go to
(18:23):
the board and a draw compasswith needle, with a needle
pointing straight up to big in,and I say you want your Partner
to be this compass and you wantto be north, no matter where the
compass goes and always pointsin the same direction, and no
matter where she goes or whatshe's doing or what's on her
mind, you expect her to alwaysbe focused on you.
My clients sometimes protest tome.
(18:43):
But that's what being in arelationship is about.
We're supposed to focus on eachother.
But I noticed that when hefocuses on her, on her, most of
what he thinks about is what shecan do for him and not the
Other way around.
And when he doesn't feel likefocusing on her at all, he
doesn't bother and abuser canseem emotionally needy.
You can get caught up in a trapof catering to him, trying to
(19:04):
fill a bottomless pit.
But he's not so much needy asentitled.
So no matter how much you givehim, it will never be enough.
So remember that next timeyou're like, oh my gosh, well,
maybe if I do this then he'll benice to me, maybe if I do that,
no, it's never gonna be enough.
Just get that through your headand stop doing all the shit
You're doing now.
Sexual care, taking duh, I'mnot going over that.
(19:27):
That's pretty obvious.
Deference I don't even know ifI've ever heard that word.
I hope I'm pronouncing it right.
It says deference refers to theabuser's entitlement to have
his taste and opinions treatedas edX who uses that word?
E-d-i-c-t-s, I don't know.
Once he has made thepronouncement that a certain
(19:47):
movie is shallow, or that Louisewas trying to seduce Jay at the
picnic, or that Republicansdon't know how to manage the
economy, ha ha, his partner issupposed to accept his view and
question.
Only.
It is especially important tohim that she did not disagree
with him in front of otherpeople.
If she does, he may later yellat you you made me look like a
fool and you're always out toshow me up and similar
accusations.
His unsaid rule is that she isnot to question his ideas.
(20:10):
Woof dealt with this one.
Too many of you know that my,we were sitting at a birthday
party one time and I don't know.
It was something about Somemovie or something and I didn't
understand it and I didn't thinkit was funny.
And one of these jokes orsomething he thought was funny
and I didn't.
I just didn't think it wasfunny.
And he somehow got offended atthat.
(20:31):
And because we were in front ofeverybody, I guess, maybe I
guess because this right herewhat we're talking about it and
agree with him and he said IDidn't have a sense of humor and
y'all me, he didn't even knowme, or he knew me, but he just
tried to keep me in a boxbecause he didn't want this, all
this ish, to come out.
He won't cat out on us to comeout.
(20:52):
And then, you know, I was pettyand I started writing rum come
books.
But to show him right, likewhat the hell?
That's a perfect example ofthis.
Like, you have to agree withhim and if you don't like,
you're the stupid one.
And how dare you right, it's abunch of stupid ass shit.
Anyways, I'm getting angry herereading about this and thinking
(21:17):
about all that old stuff.
Oh lord, I got a therapyappointment later, thank the
universe.
I will probably be unpackingsome of this.
And then he goes on to talkabout freedom from
accountability Means that theabusive man considers himself
above criticism.
If his partner attempts toraise her grievances, she is
nagging or provoking him.
He believes he should bepermitted to ignore the damage
(21:38):
his behavior is causing, and hemay become retaliatory if anyone
tries to get him to look at it.
Yep, the abusive man's highentitlement leads him to have
unfair and unreasonableexpectations, so the
relationship revolves around hisdemands.
His attitude is you owe me.
For each ounce he gives, hewants a pound in return.
He wants his partner to devoteherself fully to catering to him
(21:59):
, even if that means her ownneeds or her children's get
neglected.
You can pour all your energyinto keeping your partner
content, but if he has thismindset, he'll never be
satisfied for long and he willkeep feeling that you are
controlling him Because hedoesn't believe that you should
set any limits on his conduct orinsist that he meet
responsibilities.
I'm looking at this and I thinkI might need to make it into a
(22:22):
two-part series because it'sgetting pretty long.
So I'm gonna try to probably goto reality number three and
then I will Get back into itnext week and chop it up.
I'm just gonna have to becauseno one wants to sit and listen
(22:42):
to me talk for an hour or so.
Moving on, he says your abusivepartner doesn't have a problem
with his anger.
He has a problem with youranger, and I see that a lot and
I love this.
I love what he says here.
I had this copied somewherebecause this is so freaking true
.
One of the basic human rightshe takes away from you is the
(23:04):
right to be angry with him, nomatter how badly he treats you.
He believes that your voiceshouldn't rise and your blood
shouldn't boil.
The privilege of rage isreserved for him alone.
Let me repeat that theprivilege for rage is reserved
for him alone.
When your anger does jump out ofyou as will happen to any
(23:27):
abused woman from time to timehe is likely to try to jeem it
back down your throat as quicklyas he can.
Then he uses your anger againstyou to prove that what an
irrational person you are.
Abuse can make you feelstraight jacketed.
You may develop physical oremotional reactions to swelling
your anger, such as depression,nightmares, emotional numbing or
(23:47):
eating and sleeping problems,which your partner may use as an
excuse to belittle you furtheror make you feel crazy.
Why does your partner react sostrongly to your anger?
One reason may—one reason—onereason may be that he considers
himself above or approach, as Idiscussed above.
The second is that on somelevel, he senses, though not
necessarily consciously, thatthere is power in your anger.
(24:11):
I think I did an episode onthat.
If you have space to feel andexpress your rage, you will be
better able to hold onto youridentity and to resist the
suffocation of you.
He tries to take your angeraway in order to snuff out your
capacity to resist his will.
Finally, he perceives youranger as a challenge to his
authority, to which he respondsby overpowering you with anger
(24:32):
that is greater than your own,and this way, he ensures that he
retains the exclusive rights tothe one who shows anger.
Ooh, and I experienced so muchof this.
Oh, my gosh.
Like if I raised my voice or Igot mad or I fought back, it
(24:52):
would be ten times worse, to thepoint where I learned because
he manipulated me by doing thatto learn to just shut up and to
just be silent.
I was not allowed to be angry.
I just I still do thatsometimes, like if I get in an
argument or like you know, likeI just perceive that there's
(25:15):
some anger going around anywherein my life, I shut down a lot,
a lot Now, not all the times.
Now, you know, I'm a feistyperson.
I am a feisty person and my exknew that when he married me and
so, yeah, like I fought back alot but eventually, like I just
shut down and remained silentand that's what he wanted.
(25:38):
Like that's why they do thisbecause you're not allowed to be
angry.
Only he's allowed to be angry.
Even I don't care if he isdoing the worst things possible
to you.
You're not supposed to be angryabout it, right?
Because he's justified in hisbehavior.
Continuing on, he says once yougrasp the nature of entitlement,
the following concept about theabusive man becomes clear he
(25:58):
isn't abusive because he isangry, he's angry because he's
abusive.
The abuser's unfair andunrealistic expectations ensure
that his partner can neverfollow all of his rules or meet
all of his demands.
The result is that he isfrequently angry or enraged.
So lots of food for thoughtright there, and I'm going to go
into one more hard truth.
(26:19):
Reality, and then we're goingto cut this short.
Reality number three he twiststhings into the opposite and he
gives an example here.
One of his clients who wasphysically violent gave him the
following account of his worstassault on his wife.
He said one day Tanya went wayoverboard with her mouth and I
got so pissed off that I grabbedher by the neck and put her up
(26:41):
against the wall.
With his voice filled withindignation, he said.
Then she tried to neem me inthe balls.
How would you like it if awoman did that to you?
Of course I lashed out and whenI swung my hand, my fingernails
made a long cut across her face.
What the hell did she expect?
And then it goes on to say thequestion is the woman saying why
does he say that I'm the oneabusing him?
(27:02):
What this mofo just said, heturned it around on her.
The abusers highly entitledperceptual system causes him to
mentally reverse aggression andself-defense.
So when Tanya attempted todefend herself against his
life-threatening attack, hedefined her actions as violence
toward him.
Oh my God, what a bunch ofassholes.
(27:25):
And I'm going to leave it atthat one, because that goes back
to them feeling justified intheir actions and just making
your whole reality distorted andturning it around on you.
So if you got anything fromthis episode, I hope you, if you
resonate with any of this, Ihope you start making plans to
(27:50):
get out of your situation andnot take this shit, because I am
unpacking all the reality oftheir toxic behavior, because I
know it feels like you're goingto fog and I know it feels like,
oh my gosh, I don't know, Idon't understand why he does
this.
That was my most asked questionin my first marriage was why I
(28:12):
don't understand.
Why is he doing that?
What did I do?
And I'm telling you now all theanswers to that so you can be
armed with the knowledge youneed to prepare to get out and
work on yourself and get to theother side.
That is Amazing, freakinamazing.
(28:34):
The night before last, myhusband I go to bed early and
you know, sometimes my husbandwill go to bed early just cause
he wants to be next to me I'lllove you and stuff, and he,
cause he's a night out, he staysup a little bit later.
And he went to bed with me theother night and we had we opened
the windows, cause it felt sonice outside and you could hear
(28:55):
the frogs.
We live on a pond and the frogswere loud, so you could hear
the frogs and we had our littlewe have this like electric
fireplace going and then we hadthat going, with the frogs going
, and then we had a stormrolling in, so the lightning and
the thunder and we both justlaid there listening to it and I
(29:19):
felt so much at peace.
It was the huga, the huga vibe,right.
It was so cozy, so nice and Iwas just damn, I'm so lucky,
like, so happy to just be layingthere with him and felt so safe
, so secure, so peaceful.
It was just magic.
I would never want to do thatwith ex douche bag.
(29:40):
That's gross, ugh.
Like maybe I'm TMI, but wedidn't even sleep in the same
bed.
Like I hated that mofo and youprobably can relate if you have
a toxic person in your life, butno, new husband can't get
(30:00):
enough of him.
Still, we're going on strongand I can't imagine another way.
I still get sad thinking aboutOlme, who was trapped and never
even could have imagined thishad been my life, cause if I
could have, I would have gottenout sooner, which is why I do
this for all of you.
So learn from my mistakes, staysafe and know that you're truly
(30:24):
not stuck.
Thank you so much for listening.
If you love the show, pleaseleave a rating, a review, and if
you know anyone who also mightlove the show or who could
benefit from this information,please be sure to share it and
subscribe.
The more we get this out topeople, the more people we can
(30:45):
help, and I truly believethere's so many women who need
to hear these words, cause somany women are feeling stuck.
Also, if you're looking for me,you can usually find me on the
gram at author Kat Adams, and besure to head over to my website
, and that'skatadomsadamswithadoubledscom.
Subscribe to my newsletter forthe latest information.
(31:06):
Also, when you subscribe,you're gonna get a free novella.
And just be forewarned, myOronti romcom is as dirty as my
mouth.
So if that's your thing, go forit.
It's super hilarious.
But thank you again for tuningin.
Until next time, please staysafe and I'll see you on the
(31:26):
other side.
Mirafit Victorios.
It's time to wake up witches.
I'm your host, cat Adams, andI'm here to remind you that, no
matter where you're at in life,you're not stuck you?
What's up again.
(00:29):
I am back and I'm recording onthe day of a full moon, so I
hope this podcast brings you allthe good juju, because I'm
hoping the full moon brings meall the good juju.
Today I'm doing like my crystalcharging.
I'm gonna do a milk bath andjust get all up in my feels
(00:52):
today because it's Saturday andI had a long Work week.
Y'all know about my work, mynew job, all that stressful
stuff.
So today I'm spending timerelaxing with my family.
We're gonna go do some stuffaround downtown Memphis and Just
(01:14):
have a good time, basically.
And I'm looking for a tripbecause I need to go somewhere,
like I need to go somewhere.
So if you have any likesuggestions of Relaxing places,
I ain't going back to crowdedDisney, ain't going back to
crowded New York City, but Ineed somewhere, and I'm
(01:35):
undecided on when.
That's gonna be probably abeach in Florida, but I don't
know if I'm gonna do the samething we usually do or not.
Anyways, I'm just rambling out.
I'm gonna go ahead and getstarted today because this
chapter is a bit long, so I havea lot to discuss and read to
(01:55):
y'all.
And again, if you're justlogging on to Logging on, you
don't log on to a podcast.
If you're just tuning in, I amgoing over the book.
So it's kind of like a bookstudy series.
We're doing the book called whydoes he do that inside the
minds of angry and controllingmen by Lundy Bancroft.
So the previous two episodeswe've been talking about like
(02:19):
Basically, why does he do that?
What is going on inside theirmind, and we've been kind of
demystifying the mystery andCalling out myths that are
bullshit.
And now I'm gonna tell you sometruths, some hard truths, some
reality.
So this chapter, chapter three,is called the abusive mentality.
(02:41):
So some of the things you mightthink when you're thinking
about the abusive mentality andyour toxic partner, who comes in
many different shades ofasshole, could be his attitude
always seems to be you owe me.
He manages to twist everythingaround, so that's my fault.
I feel suffocated by him.
(03:02):
He's trying to ruin my life.
I Mean, he's trying to run mylife.
I'm not going back in it andthat it's both.
It's both bitches, and you knowit.
Everyone seems to think he'sthe greatest guy in the world.
I wish they could see the sideof him that I have to live with.
He says he loves me so much, sowhy does he treat me like this?
And Matt goes on to say when Iworked with an abused woman, my
(03:24):
first goal is to help her toregain trust in herself, to get
her to rely on her ownPerceptions, to listen to her
own internal voices.
You don't really need an experton abuse to explain your life
to you.
What you do need, above all, issome support and encouragement
to hold on to your own truth.
Your abusive partner wants todeny your experience.
He wants to pluck your view ofreality out of your head and
(03:47):
replace it with his.
When someone has invaded youridentity in this way Enough
times, you naturally start tolose your balance, but you can
find your way back to center,and I'm just gonna have that as
a plug for my book.
You're not stuck, because thatis exactly what I do and my book
, and so what I do in ourpodcast.
(04:07):
Right, we are working onourselves and building back up
what we lost.
After all the time he's spentMaking us feel so confused and
breaking us down, we're comingback together within ourselves
and we're starting with self.
And that's what it's all about,because that's what you gotta
do to get out of the toxicity.
(04:29):
So, moving on to realities,reality number one is he is
controlling.
Now, like I said, this is along chapter, so I'm not gonna
go into these, all of these, infull detail, but Let me talk to
you a little bit about hiscontrolling behavior and the
(04:49):
spheres of control.
Matt says an abusive man'scontrol generally falls into one
or more of the followingcentral spheres Arguments and
decision-making.
An intimate relationshipinvolves a steady flow of
decisions to be made,conflicting needs to negotiate,
taste and desires to balance.
Who is going to clean up themess in the kitchen?
(05:10):
How much time should we spendalone together and how much with
other friends?
Where do our other hobbies andinterests fit into our
priorities?
How will we proceed and resolveannoyances or hurt feelings?
What rules will we have for ourchildren?
The mindset that an abuserbrings to these choices and
tensions can make him impossibleto get along with.
Consider how challenging it isto negotiate or compromise with
(05:32):
a man who operates on thefollowing tenants, whether he
says them aloud or not.
This is what he's thinkingy'all.
And to make this moreinteresting, I'm just going to
use a douchebag voice.
Ok, an argument should onlylast as long as my patience does
.
Once I've had enough, thediscussion's over and it's time
for you to shut up.
Wow, my douchebag impression'sgot a southern accent.
(05:55):
That's interesting, but notsurprising.
If the issue we're strugglingover is important to me, I
should get what I want.
If you don't back off, you'rewrong in me.
I know what's best for you andfor our relationship.
If you continue disagreeingwith me after I've made it clear
which path is the right one,you're acting stupid.
(06:15):
If my controlling authority's Ihave stopped this podcast so
many times to go back becauseI'm laughing hard doing this.
All right, I'm putting on mygame here.
I'm trying to mix up a littlebit.
Y'all.
I don't want this to be superdark.
You know me, I can't be serious.
If my controlling authorityseem to be slipping, I have the
(06:39):
right to take steps toreestablish the rule of my will,
including abuse if necessary.
All right, back to this moreconservative approach.
Last item on this list is thatis the one that most
distinguishes the abuser fromother people.
Perhaps any of us can slip intohaving feelings like the ones
in numbers one through three.
(06:59):
But the abuser gives himselfpermission to take action on the
basis of his beliefs.
With him, the foregoingstatements aren't feelings.
They are closely heldconvictions that he uses to
guide his actions.
That is why they lead to somuch bullying behavior.
Moving on to more of thesespheres of control Personal
(07:23):
freedom so we all know what thisis.
An abusive man often considershis right to control where his
partner goes, whom sheassociates with, what she wears
and when she needs to be backhome.
He therefore feels that sheshould be grateful for any
freedom that he does choose togrant her.
All right, I mean, that'spretty self-explanatory.
He goes on and says sometimesthis controls exercise through
(07:45):
wearing a woman down withconstant low-level complaints,
rather than through yelling orbarking orders.
The abuser may repeatedly makenegative comments about one of
his partner's friends, forexample, so that she gradually
stops seeing her acquaintance,to save herself the hassle.
In fact, she might even believeit was her own decision.
Not noticing how her abuserpressured her into it Is the
(08:06):
abusive man's thinking distorted.
Certainly, a man's partner isnot his child and the freedoms
he grants her are not credits tobe spent like chips when the
urge to control her arises.
But his rules make sense to himand he will fight to hang on to
them.
Isolation is a big thing andsometimes you don't know it's
happening to you, and thishappened in my relationship as
(08:28):
well.
Like any friends I had, theyusually didn't last long.
There was some way that myabuser had manipulated my
relationship with him to where Ididn't wanna hang around them
anymore unless it benefited himin a way.
(08:51):
So if we had couples friendswho what is the word I'm looking
for If we had couples friendswho enabled him and his bad
behavior and decisions, then hewould hang on to them.
But yeah, I mean taking awayyour personal freedoms like
(09:15):
that's a pretty obvious one.
And Matt moves on to parentingtoo.
He says that the couple haschildren.
The abusive man typicallyconsiders himself the authority
on parenting, even if hecontributes little to the actual
work of looking after them,which most do.
He sees himself as a wise andbenevolent head coach who
(09:36):
watches passively from thesidelines during the easy times,
but steps in with the correctapproach when his partner isn't
handling the children properly.
His arrogance about thesuperiority of his parenting
judgment may be matched only byhow little he truly understands
or pays attention to thechildren's needs.
No matter how good a mother andhis partner is, he thinks she
needs to learn from him, not theother worry around.
(09:57):
Oh my God, I'm experiencingthis now, y'all, holy shit.
So you know, I'm divorced,right From ex-Dushi ex-Dushi
husband, yeah, and we have adaughter and unfortunately we
have the shared custody wherehe's supposed to get her every
other weekend.
He does not.
He only gets her on Saturdaysbecause he doesn't.
(10:19):
He's not a responsible parent.
He basically doesn't do anyparenting at all.
It never has, but he doesn't doshit.
I do all the school stuff, I doall the homework, I do all like.
I'm taking her to tutoring nowbecause she's like her mama, she
struggles with math, and he putme through so much crap wanting
(10:46):
to get his name up at herschool so he could be involved
in her schooling At least that'swhat he said, just so he could
have that control.
Come on, we know what it was.
Because he doesn't want to dothe homework.
He's never taken her to school.
He's picked her up maybe likefive times total that she's been
here and y'all her schoolcommute I think I've said it
before is 40 minutes each way.
(11:07):
So I have to wake up in themorning, start work at six my
quote unquote lunch break isspent taking my daughter to
school, so I spent like threehours commuting to and from her
school.
That's another topic.
Anyways, she's not doing good inmath and now that he tried to,
(11:28):
he wanted to get control of whatshe's doing at school by acting
like he's Mr Concerned, amazingParent and going up to the
parent teacher conferences andgetting his name on everything.
He's logged in and looked ather grades and her grades in
math aren't good.
Do you want to know who'sthought that is?
(11:48):
Who's thought?
He says that is Mois steal.
Y'all.
I've been divorced since like2019 and I steal unfortunately
get abused through text.
We don't talk.
I don't ever talk to him.
I try like.
I hardly ever communicate withhim unless I have to, but this
(12:11):
is just one example.
I still deal with it.
At least I know what it is.
Now you know.
But he reached out on taxing.
He's like have you seen hergrade?
This is because she stays uptoo late and she's talking to
her friends or something andblah, blah, blah.
Now, yes, she stays up late,but he has no idea what's going
(12:34):
on in my house.
He doesn't know like anythingabout her homework or even offer
to help or any of that.
But he was essentially blamingme and he's said other things in
the past.
Like you know, I need to dothis and I need to do that.
And he always says, well, whenshe's over here she's perfectly
(12:58):
fine, there's no problems.
When she's over here she's justsuch a sweet angel, right, and
so is he, and they just getalong.
Meanwhile she's telling me likedifferent stories and it's just
like that is an example of theparenting thing how, no matter
(13:19):
how good a mother his partner isI think I'm pretty damn good
mom he thinks she needs to learnfrom him.
I learned a shit from him.
Fuck him, I ain't doing shit.
His ways because his ways ishands off 99% of the parenting.
Okay, like no, I actually takecare of my kid, all right.
(13:40):
Moving on, and that was just alittle bit of a story and a
little bit of a rant, but I hopeby me interjecting some of
these personal experiences, youcan, one, see my authenticity
and, two, understand a littlebit more about your situation,
because I think some of mine isrelatable.
(14:01):
He says when a man starts myprogram, he often says I am here
because I lose control myselfsometimes.
I need to get a better grip.
I always correct him.
I say your problem is not thatyou lose control of yourself,
it's that you take control ofyour partner.
In order to change, you don'tneed to gain control over
(14:21):
yourself, you need to let go ofcontrol of her, and we know that
don't ever happen.
They're not going to do that.
Oh my gosh.
You have to like, dig intotheir core beliefs and do all
this work, and they're not goingto do that.
So, like I could just closethis book and tell you just
leave him, get divorced afteryou have a safety plan, okay,
(14:43):
you got to make sure you're safefirst, but it's come on, I say
it all the time, you're notgoing to change him, he will not
change.
You have to change yourself.
So if that's the answer you'relooking for, when you listen to
my podcast and you read my books, like I'm telling you right now
, don't read my stuff thinking,oh, she's going to say the magic
words I need to hear so he willchange.
(15:05):
Nah, bitch, I'm not.
Like.
There are no magic words.
The magic words are you have tochange meaning, you have to
enlighten yourself so you canfigure out a way out, because he
is not going to save you, youhave to save yourself.
Moving on to reality number two,he feels entitled.
I love this one because this isso true, so many entitled ass
(15:28):
men out there.
Entitlement is the abuser'sbelief that he has a special
status and that it provides himwith exclusive rights and
privileges that do not apply tohis partner.
The attitude that drives abusecan largely be summarized by
this one word.
To understand entitlement, wefirst need to look at how rights
should be properly, shouldproperly be conceived of, in a
couple or family.
Let me just say entitlement howhe says.
(15:52):
They believe abusers believethey have a special status.
That can come in many differentways.
My ex used to say I'm special,you have to handle me with care,
because my brain doesn't workthis certain way and I get
overloaded and overstimulatedand I lash out.
That's why he was abusivebecause he was special, I had to
(16:12):
handle him with special care.
Those were his words.
He has something wrong in hisbrain, like a chemical imbalance
or something.
He's special basically,seriously, that's what he's
always telling me.
He's special and not in a waylike, oh, I'm so much better
than you, even though he wasthinking that it was in a way
like he mentally can't handle it, like bullshit.
(16:34):
He's a grown ass man who couldhandle his temper, who could
handle his behavior.
I seen him do it all the timeoutside of the house.
Inside of the house no, he tookit out on me.
So no, he ain't special, he'sentitled.
There's a graph mat has, andit's three circles, and all
three on the top.
(16:55):
Well, two on the top, or this,equal size, and one's just tiny,
tiny, tiny smaller, no, muchsmaller.
And in that, in these threecircles, one circles got man in
it, one circles got woman in it,their equal Size, and then
children in the next one.
That's just a teeny, tiny bitsmaller.
That's how it should be.
(17:16):
But the abusive man sees him asa huge ass circle, and then the
woman in a Much smaller circleand then the children in a
circle that's kind of a littlebit less than the woman.
That's how they perceive yourrights.
So he goes on to say theabusive man awards himself all
(17:37):
kinds of rights, includingPhysical caretaking, emotional
caretaking, sexual caretaking,deference and freedom from
accountability.
Physical caretaking is the focusof the more traditionally
minded abuser.
He sees you essentially as anunpaid servant.
You're the one doing the dishes, you're doing all the unpaid
labor, you're doing theparenting, you're cleaning the
(18:00):
house, yada, yada, yada.
That's physical caretaking.
Interwoven with the abusersover evaluation of his work is
the devaluation of his partner'slabor as well.
And then he goes on toemotional caretaking that can be
even more important thanhomemaking services.
To the modern abuser he sayswhen I have new clients, I go to
(18:23):
the board and a draw compasswith needle, with a needle
pointing straight up to big in,and I say you want your Partner
to be this compass and you wantto be north, no matter where the
compass goes and always pointsin the same direction, and no
matter where she goes or whatshe's doing or what's on her
mind, you expect her to alwaysbe focused on you.
My clients sometimes protest tome.
(18:43):
But that's what being in arelationship is about.
We're supposed to focus on eachother.
But I noticed that when hefocuses on her, on her, most of
what he thinks about is what shecan do for him and not the
Other way around.
And when he doesn't feel likefocusing on her at all, he
doesn't bother and abuser canseem emotionally needy.
You can get caught up in a trapof catering to him, trying to
(19:04):
fill a bottomless pit.
But he's not so much needy asentitled.
So no matter how much you givehim, it will never be enough.
So remember that next timeyou're like, oh my gosh, well,
maybe if I do this then he'll benice to me, maybe if I do that,
no, it's never gonna be enough.
Just get that through your headand stop doing all the shit
You're doing now.
Sexual care, taking duh, I'mnot going over that.
(19:27):
That's pretty obvious.
Deference I don't even know ifI've ever heard that word.
I hope I'm pronouncing it right.
It says deference refers to theabuser's entitlement to have
his taste and opinions treatedas edX who uses that word?
E-d-i-c-t-s, I don't know.
Once he has made thepronouncement that a certain
(19:47):
movie is shallow, or that Louisewas trying to seduce Jay at the
picnic, or that Republicansdon't know how to manage the
economy, ha ha, his partner issupposed to accept his view and
question.
Only.
It is especially important tohim that she did not disagree
with him in front of otherpeople.
If she does, he may later yellat you you made me look like a
fool and you're always out toshow me up and similar
accusations.
His unsaid rule is that she isnot to question his ideas.
(20:10):
Woof dealt with this one.
Too many of you know that my,we were sitting at a birthday
party one time and I don't know.
It was something about Somemovie or something and I didn't
understand it and I didn't thinkit was funny.
And one of these jokes orsomething he thought was funny
and I didn't.
I just didn't think it wasfunny.
And he somehow got offended atthat.
(20:31):
And because we were in front ofeverybody, I guess, maybe I
guess because this right herewhat we're talking about it and
agree with him and he said IDidn't have a sense of humor and
y'all me, he didn't even knowme, or he knew me, but he just
tried to keep me in a boxbecause he didn't want this, all
this ish, to come out.
He won't cat out on us to comeout.
(20:52):
And then, you know, I was pettyand I started writing rum come
books.
But to show him right, likewhat the hell?
That's a perfect example ofthis.
Like, you have to agree withhim and if you don't like,
you're the stupid one.
And how dare you right, it's abunch of stupid ass shit.
Anyways, I'm getting angry herereading about this and thinking
(21:17):
about all that old stuff.
Oh lord, I got a therapyappointment later, thank the
universe.
I will probably be unpackingsome of this.
And then he goes on to talkabout freedom from
accountability Means that theabusive man considers himself
above criticism.
If his partner attempts toraise her grievances, she is
nagging or provoking him.
He believes he should bepermitted to ignore the damage
(21:38):
his behavior is causing, and hemay become retaliatory if anyone
tries to get him to look at it.
Yep, the abusive man's highentitlement leads him to have
unfair and unreasonableexpectations, so the
relationship revolves around hisdemands.
His attitude is you owe me.
For each ounce he gives, hewants a pound in return.
He wants his partner to devoteherself fully to catering to him
(21:59):
, even if that means her ownneeds or her children's get
neglected.
You can pour all your energyinto keeping your partner
content, but if he has thismindset, he'll never be
satisfied for long and he willkeep feeling that you are
controlling him Because hedoesn't believe that you should
set any limits on his conduct orinsist that he meet
responsibilities.
I'm looking at this and I thinkI might need to make it into a
(22:22):
two-part series because it'sgetting pretty long.
So I'm gonna try to probably goto reality number three and
then I will Get back into itnext week and chop it up.
I'm just gonna have to becauseno one wants to sit and listen
(22:42):
to me talk for an hour or so.
Moving on, he says your abusivepartner doesn't have a problem
with his anger.
He has a problem with youranger, and I see that a lot and
I love this.
I love what he says here.
I had this copied somewherebecause this is so freaking true
.
One of the basic human rightshe takes away from you is the
(23:04):
right to be angry with him, nomatter how badly he treats you.
He believes that your voiceshouldn't rise and your blood
shouldn't boil.
The privilege of rage isreserved for him alone.
Let me repeat that theprivilege for rage is reserved
for him alone.
When your anger does jump out ofyou as will happen to any
(23:27):
abused woman from time to timehe is likely to try to jeem it
back down your throat as quicklyas he can.
Then he uses your anger againstyou to prove that what an
irrational person you are.
Abuse can make you feelstraight jacketed.
You may develop physical oremotional reactions to swelling
your anger, such as depression,nightmares, emotional numbing or
(23:47):
eating and sleeping problems,which your partner may use as an
excuse to belittle you furtheror make you feel crazy.
Why does your partner react sostrongly to your anger?
One reason may—one reason—onereason may be that he considers
himself above or approach, as Idiscussed above.
The second is that on somelevel, he senses, though not
necessarily consciously, thatthere is power in your anger.
(24:11):
I think I did an episode onthat.
If you have space to feel andexpress your rage, you will be
better able to hold onto youridentity and to resist the
suffocation of you.
He tries to take your angeraway in order to snuff out your
capacity to resist his will.
Finally, he perceives youranger as a challenge to his
authority, to which he respondsby overpowering you with anger
(24:32):
that is greater than your own,and this way, he ensures that he
retains the exclusive rights tothe one who shows anger.
Ooh, and I experienced so muchof this.
Oh, my gosh.
Like if I raised my voice or Igot mad or I fought back, it
(24:52):
would be ten times worse, to thepoint where I learned because
he manipulated me by doing thatto learn to just shut up and to
just be silent.
I was not allowed to be angry.
I just I still do thatsometimes, like if I get in an
argument or like you know, likeI just perceive that there's
(25:15):
some anger going around anywherein my life, I shut down a lot,
a lot Now, not all the times.
Now, you know, I'm a feistyperson.
I am a feisty person and my exknew that when he married me and
so, yeah, like I fought back alot but eventually, like I just
shut down and remained silentand that's what he wanted.
(25:38):
Like that's why they do thisbecause you're not allowed to be
angry.
Only he's allowed to be angry.
Even I don't care if he isdoing the worst things possible
to you.
You're not supposed to be angryabout it, right?
Because he's justified in hisbehavior.
Continuing on, he says once yougrasp the nature of entitlement,
the following concept about theabusive man becomes clear he
(25:58):
isn't abusive because he isangry, he's angry because he's
abusive.
The abuser's unfair andunrealistic expectations ensure
that his partner can neverfollow all of his rules or meet
all of his demands.
The result is that he isfrequently angry or enraged.
So lots of food for thoughtright there, and I'm going to go
into one more hard truth.
(26:19):
Reality, and then we're goingto cut this short.
Reality number three he twiststhings into the opposite and he
gives an example here.
One of his clients who wasphysically violent gave him the
following account of his worstassault on his wife.
He said one day Tanya went wayoverboard with her mouth and I
got so pissed off that I grabbedher by the neck and put her up
(26:41):
against the wall.
With his voice filled withindignation, he said.
Then she tried to neem me inthe balls.
How would you like it if awoman did that to you?
Of course I lashed out and whenI swung my hand, my fingernails
made a long cut across her face.
What the hell did she expect?
And then it goes on to say thequestion is the woman saying why
does he say that I'm the oneabusing him?
(27:02):
What this mofo just said, heturned it around on her.
The abusers highly entitledperceptual system causes him to
mentally reverse aggression andself-defense.
So when Tanya attempted todefend herself against his
life-threatening attack, hedefined her actions as violence
toward him.
Oh my God, what a bunch ofassholes.
(27:25):
And I'm going to leave it atthat one, because that goes back
to them feeling justified intheir actions and just making
your whole reality distorted andturning it around on you.
So if you got anything fromthis episode, I hope you, if you
resonate with any of this, Ihope you start making plans to
(27:50):
get out of your situation andnot take this shit, because I am
unpacking all the reality oftheir toxic behavior, because I
know it feels like you're goingto fog and I know it feels like,
oh my gosh, I don't know, Idon't understand why he does
this.
That was my most asked questionin my first marriage was why I
(28:12):
don't understand.
Why is he doing that?
What did I do?
And I'm telling you now all theanswers to that so you can be
armed with the knowledge youneed to prepare to get out and
work on yourself and get to theother side.
That is Amazing, freakinamazing.
(28:34):
The night before last, myhusband I go to bed early and
you know, sometimes my husbandwill go to bed early just cause
he wants to be next to me I'lllove you and stuff, and he,
cause he's a night out, he staysup a little bit later.
And he went to bed with me theother night and we had we opened
the windows, cause it felt sonice outside and you could hear
(28:55):
the frogs.
We live on a pond and the frogswere loud, so you could hear
the frogs and we had our littlewe have this like electric
fireplace going and then we hadthat going, with the frogs going
, and then we had a stormrolling in, so the lightning and
the thunder and we both justlaid there listening to it and I
(29:19):
felt so much at peace.
It was the huga, the huga vibe,right.
It was so cozy, so nice and Iwas just damn, I'm so lucky,
like, so happy to just be layingthere with him and felt so safe
, so secure, so peaceful.
It was just magic.
I would never want to do thatwith ex douche bag.
(29:40):
That's gross, ugh.
Like maybe I'm TMI, but wedidn't even sleep in the same
bed.
Like I hated that mofo and youprobably can relate if you have
a toxic person in your life, butno, new husband can't get
(30:00):
enough of him.
Still, we're going on strongand I can't imagine another way.
I still get sad thinking aboutOlme, who was trapped and never
even could have imagined thishad been my life, cause if I
could have, I would have gottenout sooner, which is why I do
this for all of you.
So learn from my mistakes, staysafe and know that you're truly
(30:24):
not stuck.
Thank you so much for listening.
If you love the show, pleaseleave a rating, a review, and if
you know anyone who also mightlove the show or who could
benefit from this information,please be sure to share it and
subscribe.
The more we get this out topeople, the more people we can
(30:45):
help, and I truly believethere's so many women who need
to hear these words, cause somany women are feeling stuck.
Also, if you're looking for me,you can usually find me on the
gram at author Kat Adams, and besure to head over to my website
, and that'skatadomsadamswithadoubledscom.
Subscribe to my newsletter forthe latest information.
(31:06):
Also, when you subscribe,you're gonna get a free novella.
And just be forewarned, myOronti romcom is as dirty as my
mouth.
So if that's your thing, go forit.
It's super hilarious.
But thank you again for tuningin.
Until next time, please staysafe and I'll see you on the
(31:26):
other side.
Mirafit Victorios.
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