Are You In A Healthy Relationship or A ManipulationShip?

A Psycho-Spiritual Autopsy of Attachment, Control, and the Theater of Conditional Love Love, in its corrupted form, is no longer devotion—it is performance art for the emotionally underfed. Behind every I adore you lurks a contract written in childhood: I will manage your perception of me if you promise not to disappear. Thus begins the manipulation•ship—two nervous systems bargaining for oxygen under the costume of intimacy. What appears romantic is often a reenactment of abandonment with better lighting.

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
What's going on family, it's eleanor your favorite emotionally unavailable
YouTuber Back for another triggering video like share and subscribe
for more content from a dismissive avoidant perspective. Getting right
into today's topic, why I go cold as a dismissive

(00:21):
avoidant after you get vulnerable with me? And to me,
this is very simple. Vulnerability equals overwhelmed. Whether it's you
pressuring me to be vulnerable with you, or you opening
up and being vulnerable with me unprompted, it is. It's overwhelming.

Speaker 2 (00:42):
It kind of First of all, I feel like it
puts me on the spot to perform or to also
be vulnerable. But I really associate vulnerability and being vulnerable
or somebody opening up with responsibility, Like if you're being
vulnerable with me, you know I appreciate it and I'm
honored that you felt safe enough, but there's also a

(01:02):
responsibility to continue to make you feel safe or keep
that information.

Speaker 3 (01:10):
Safe.

Speaker 2 (01:11):
And it's not that I can't keep a secret or
I can't make someone feel safe. It's that I don't
want to feel pressure to always have to.

Speaker 1 (01:22):
Show up in that way.

Speaker 2 (01:23):
I don't want to feel committed to have to always
be the shoulder that somebody cries on, or that person
that you're always opening up to, And I damn sure,
I don't want you feeling like just because you've been
doing all this opening up that that means any moment
now I'm going to start to open up. No, no, no,

(01:46):
which leads into my next.

Speaker 4 (01:49):
I cannot, I can't continue. I'm sorry that lady does
trigger me every time I hear it, because just the
level of cool, calm, callousness is crazy to me. But

(02:09):
I guess I can't villainize her. You're listening to the
Voice of Reason Live on KBLA Talk fifteen eighty. I'm
the VR, and if this is your first time tuning in,
please understand a little bit about what I do. I
kind of curate this national discussion about intimate relationships, and

(02:34):
I come from a psycho spiritual perspective. I mean, we
go everywhere, right, anthropology, philosophy, psychology, psychiatry, right, we go
all over the board, religion, we go everywhere, and we

(02:55):
play these clips to kind of queue up the discussion.
And if you want to participate, which is highly encouraged,
because this is not a monologue. This is a dialogue.
Between us family to talk about relationships. A lot of

(03:16):
people have a lot of misunderstandings around the purpose of relationship.
They think it's gender based. If you just follow a
gender role, everything is good. They don't understand the deeper
Many people don't understand the deeper layers. Right. And the
clip that you just heard is from a woman. Well,

(03:42):
her YouTube channel is called Dismissable Meat and she does
these talks from about relationships from a dismissive, avoidant attachment style. Now,
if attachment styles are unknown to you, attachment styles come

(04:03):
out of, of course psychology, and there was a psycho
analyst by the name of Bowlby, John Bowlby in the fifties.
He was from the UK and he kind of created
this concept called attachment. Right later Mary Ainsworth added the

(04:25):
styles to it, attachment styles, and then so many people,
you know, have picked up the paton and run with it.

Speaker 5 (04:36):
Right.

Speaker 4 (04:37):
The latest book that everybody's talking about because of TikTok
is a book called Attached by Levine and it's a
great book. I've read it several times, and everybody's talking
about attachment styles. But what people don't understand about attachment styles,
and this is why I cringe a little bit every

(04:59):
time I that lady talking. I mean, did you get
rid of the video? Andy? Oh my god, because she
has this monotone, just real like can you imagine somebody
talking like that and they were robbing you? Like it

(05:19):
just feels like, Ah, it's just devil may care, flippant,
glib kind of you know, tone about hurting people, because
really that's what she's doing, right, But I don't want
to villainize her because you know, people have insecure attachment styles. Now,

(05:41):
according to attachment theory, you get your attachment style from
your primary caregiver. In other words, your mama. Nobody. They
don't want to say mama in.

Speaker 1 (05:55):
A way that.

Speaker 2 (05:58):
Would how do I want to say it. I'm not
going to respond in a way that's going to promote
or suggest that I want to talk about the topic
any further. You know, I'm not going to try it.
I'm not going to match it. I'm not going to

(06:20):
lead you on. I'm not going to tell you a lot.

Speaker 4 (06:22):
Meg if you want to make if you want a
follow her, please go to dismissable Me and hear more.
Tonight's topic it's centered around this stuff, right. The reason
why I did. Tonight's topic is because I heard a
clinician say something that I thought was quite profound, and

(06:42):
that was, if you have developed an insecure attachment style,
you learn to manipulate others in order to get what
you need, starting with you know your primary caregiver. Now,

(07:04):
another interesting kind of caveat to attachment theory is you
carry this insecure attachment style or secure attachment style. There's
only one secure attachment style and there are three insecure
attachment styles, but you carry these attachment styles into your

(07:26):
adult relationship and they kind of play out in the relationship. Now,
fifteen years ago, nobody was really talking about attachment styles.
It was the information was still there, but nobody was
really yeah, attachment styles, right, And we grew up in
this society where people are talking about what they deserve, right,

(07:50):
And what does that have to do with anything? Though?
Because I always quote the great philosopher Jay Kristiana Murty
when he says relationships are mirrors. Right, So if we're
using this ancient kind of metaphysical philosophical lens, then you're
actually getting what you deserve when you're unhappy. But that's

(08:12):
another thing. Tonight's topic. Are you in a healthy relationship
or a manipulationship. People give me topic, somebody, a young
lady gave me this topic, man, and I had to
do it. A riveting look at how to know the difference.

(08:32):
Are you in a relationship, a healthy relationship, give and
take showing up or a manipulationship? A riveting look at
how to know the difference? Watch this true or false?
Is there a difference between being what you want and

(08:57):
going after what you want? I think a lot of
people are going after what they want because they haven't
mastered how to be what they want. So if you're
going after what you want, you're pursuing it and you're
trying to cultivate it. I think there's strategy involved, and
where there is strategy, there might be manipulation. I'm just

(09:19):
saying one eight hundred and nine twenty fifteen eighty. Get
to your phone lines. Let's talk about it. Are you
in a healthy relationship or a manipulation ship? Love in
its corrupted form is no longer about devotion. It is
a performance art for the emotionally underfed. Behind every I

(09:47):
adore you lurks a contract written in childhood. I will
manage your perception of me if you promise not to disappear.
Thus begins manipulationship, two nervous systems bargaining for oxygen under
the costume of intimacy. What appears romantic is often a

(10:11):
reenactment of abandonment with better lighting. Attachment theory gives this
pathology a map. Bolby called it survival, Ainsworth called it style.
Tatkin called it regulation. The anxious manipulates through pursuit. Who

(10:38):
is the anxious? Anxious? Preoccupied is one of the insecure
attachment styles. Right, let me tap dance for you so
I can get your acknowledgment, your approval when I say
tap dance. Let me go get straight a's because I
notice you fawn over my sibling who has good grades.
Let me see if good grades will get me some

(11:00):
of the fawning. Right, Or let me join the football
team to see if I can get some attention out
of you. Right. The anxious manipulate through pursuit. The avoidant
manipulates through withdrawal. Where is that lady's voice, Andy? She

(11:21):
gone now? But she is a self proclaimed avoidant. Right.
The avoidant manipulates through withdrawal. The disorganized weaponizes chaos to
keep love predictable in its unpredictability. I know this thing

(11:42):
is going to end because I'm gonna script the ending
so I can make my exit. Remember when they talk
about fearful, right or disorganized, that's the third insecure attachment style,
and it is a combination of the previous two anxious,

(12:03):
preoccupied and dismissive avoidant. So they swing both ways, hot
and cold, up and down. Love you get over here, snuggle,
get away. I don't know you, I can't trust you.
So they're saying the disorganized weaponizes chaos to keep love
predictable in its unpredictability. What we mistake for chemistry is

(12:30):
the nervous system's nostalgia for danger. Right, Oxytocin baptizes the wound,
Cortisol writes the vowels. Language becomes the battlefield of control,
gas lighting, silence, and semantic Deceit replaces communication. To say

(12:54):
you make me feel is to surrender authorship of your
own consciousness. Manipulation is not evil. It is the body's
dialect for I was never mirrored. Healing demands the courage
to abolish the performance. It begins when the breath becomes

(13:15):
more honest than the apology ouch Authenticity replaces agenda, truth
becomes erotic, transparency becomes home. In the collapse of cohercion,
something wholly survives Coregulation without captivity, passion without power. To

(13:42):
love without manipulation is to graduate from survival into sovereignty.
Anything less is choreography performed for ghosts who never learned
to stay. You're asking for this information tonight, and it's

(14:02):
important that we get it right. It's important that we
tap in. Who are you? Are you anxious? Are you dismissive?
I asked a young lady a moment ago. I said, Hey,
have you been in a manipulation ship? She was like what,

(14:23):
and automatically, by default, yeah, I've been in a relationship
when somebody manipulated me. Wait, wait, wait a minute, have
you manipulated someone? We always want to put it on
somebody else, but we manipulate. Where do we learn to manipulate?
If a bear learns to forage, a bear cub learns

(14:47):
to forage by watching its mama bear, where do you
think you learned it? I want to talk to everybody
about it now before I go forward, I want to
say this j W. I was at our event this weekend.
I was there and I did not see you, my

(15:07):
good brother, but I just wanted to let you know
I'm a man of my word. I showed up, I
took pictures, I made videos. I was there. When we
come forward, we want to open the phone line to
start this national discussion. Let's get it.

Speaker 6 (15:20):
Six signs of emotional manipulation. The first sign of emotional
manipulation is charm and flattery. Manipulators often know exactly when
to be sweet. They'll flood you with compliments right when
you're pulling away or threatening to leave. It's not real affection,
it's strategy. They're using charm as a tool to keep control.
The second sign is the silent treatment they're sending right

(15:44):
next to you, but completely ignoring you. It's not about
needing space, it's about punishing you. This kind of emotional
manipulation is meant to make you feel invisible, anxious, and
unsure of what you did wrong. The third sign is DARVO,
which stands for defend, attack, reverse victim, and offender. Let's
say they lie or cross a line. When you bring

(16:04):
it up, they immediately get defensive, attack your character, and
then somehow they become the victim. Suddenly you're apologizing for
bringing up the thing they did. This kind of emotional
manipulation leaves you constantly questioning yourself. Number four is triangulation.
Sometimes people involve a third person to ease tension, but
when it's manipulative, they use someone to cross boundaries. Like

(16:27):
if you go no contact, then they send a friend
to check in on you or report back. That's not
resolving conflict. That's spying through someone else. It's emotional manipulation
in a very sneaky form. Fifth is distraction. When they're
clearly in the wrong, they'll suddenly change the subject. They
might bring up something random or accuse you of something
completely unrelated. This is done to avoid.

Speaker 4 (16:50):
Do you see why I have to I have to
expose it. Many of us think we know what's going on,
but some of this stuff is so subtle. And when
you're dealing with somebody you like, somebody you're attached to,
somebody you've vibeen with. How many of y'all let stuff

(17:11):
like that slide all the time? It's cool? I mean,
so you said it's cool, and it ain't cool. Are
you manipulating yourself right now? Like you bean? Like, nah,
something wrong with you?

Speaker 7 (17:24):
No?

Speaker 4 (17:24):
No, no, it's cool, I'm good, You're not good again.
Sometimes a person doesn't have to give you the rundown.
You know, my mama was abusive, or my mama was
neglect for my dad wasn't there, or blah blah blah
blah blah. Sometimes it's about knowing how they show up,

(17:47):
knowing the signs. And that's what we're talking about tonight.
Emotional blackmail as a love language. How insecure attachment masquerade
as intimacy. My goodness, here's your psychological insight. Insecurely attached

(18:08):
individuals weaponize affection to secure proximity. Love becomes a negotiation
for validation rather than a communion of presence. Back to
the initial question I asked, true or false? Is there
a difference between being what you want and going after

(18:31):
what you want?

Speaker 3 (18:32):
See?

Speaker 4 (18:32):
I posit here that the manipulator goes after what they
want and they try to manipulate the situation in order
to get it. See, when you embody what you want,
there's no traveling, there's no need to do anything. You
are love, you are respect right DC. So many let

(18:57):
me ask that question, true or false? Is there a
difference between being what you want and going after it?
Many of us go on these elaborate journeys because we
feel internally we don't have it right, so we go

(19:19):
in search of it. Whatever the it may be, whatever
the mythical it may be, we go in search of it.
In search of it within people, right, events, activities, we
want to be acknowledged, but we don't know how to

(19:39):
acknowledge ourselves. In many cases, the anxious partner clings to love,
but also to the illusion of safety. That's ugly. Your
psychiatric insight from the DSM five lens, emotional blackmail aligns
with maladaptive interperson schemas seen in borderline and dependent personality structures,

(20:06):
where the fear of abandonment generates cycles of coheresive control.
According to the American Psychiatric Association twenty twenty two, when
I come forward, the phone lines are flooding up. People
want to talk. They may have manipulated or have been manipulated.
Let's see.

Speaker 3 (20:26):
It is the mind's first line of defense against emotional disruption.
When information threatens our sense of stability, we don't analyze.

Speaker 8 (20:34):
We retreat. Someone tells you your partner is unfaithful.

Speaker 3 (20:37):
You deny someone challenges your convictions, You deny someone holds
up a mirror so you can see the parts of
you that you are not aware of.

Speaker 8 (20:44):
You deny, and you know.

Speaker 3 (20:46):
What, Our emotional intelligence hasn't failed. It's just been conditioned
by the very attachments it was meant to evaluate. If
we're talking behaviorally, this only confirms our bias towards homeostasis.
We prefer internal consistency over external time, which is why
awareness doesn't always lead to change.

Speaker 8 (21:03):
Sometimes it just deepens the denial. But let me give
you perspective. Most people don't fear the truth.

Speaker 3 (21:08):
They fear losing the version of themselves that depends on
the lie. Once we receive information, there's a part of
us that immediately recognizes us that it is true. The
discomfort isn't in the knowing, it's in recognizing that it's
gonna require us or our situations to change. The mind
will always prioritize emotional continuity over logical correction. Think about
the person who stays in a relationship after betrayal. Think

(21:30):
about the person who stays in friendships that lack consistency.
These relationships are not sustained by love or loyalty. They
are sustained by the fear of emotional disruption.

Speaker 8 (21:39):
We would rather.

Speaker 3 (21:40):
Preserve a familiar pain than risk and unfamiliar peace, because
it's easier to maintain what could break us than rebuilding
what could possibly free us.

Speaker 8 (21:49):
Javon Cross here, don't get weak on the weekends, Go get.

Speaker 4 (21:51):
Them true man. That was Javan Cross boy. He had
a crossbow, shooting arrows, darts, poisoned darts. He was on
fire and I loved everything he said. We would rather
date regulation than liberation. Oh I know one nine twenty

(22:18):
fifteen eighty. Who's ready for this discussion? Andy got his
headphones on. Andy got when Andy? When I see Andy
unraveling the court, I got all Andy upset. I'm abody
triggered Andy. He slowly and Andy unravels it slow. He'd
be like, okay, see they didn't started. Come on in, Andy,

(22:38):
what are your thoughts?

Speaker 9 (22:39):
So you know, I have the honor and privilege of,
you know, being behind the scenes seeing you do your
thut this will you know what I'm saying? Craik Magic
every weekday, Monday through Friday, seven pm to nine pm
Pacific Standard time. Woo, And I can say that I've
learned a lot behind the scenes. And you know there
are a lot of stuff that I do take home

(23:01):
with me. Fortunately enough, my lady is studying to do
the whole social work thing. So a lot of the
stuff that you're talking about, a lot of the clips
that we be playing, it's already being played at home.

Speaker 4 (23:13):
You know what I'm saying. Yep, yep, yep.

Speaker 9 (23:15):
But I have to ask this question because the whole
idea of the mirror right and being told about yourself right,
And you know a lot of the times when you're
being told about yourself there's.

Speaker 4 (23:30):
This act of defensiveness.

Speaker 9 (23:32):
How much of sometimes being told about yourself is actual projection?

Speaker 4 (23:39):
Though a lot of it. So now because of.

Speaker 9 (23:42):
Your projection, I have to quote unquote acquiesce to your submation,
your assessment of me that I might not necessarily believe.
And because I don't believe it, now I'm acting like
I'm defensive, and that's negative.

Speaker 4 (23:59):
So Who's right? This is a This is a great
You don't understand how good of a question this is.
This is a powerful question. Number one, The mirror of
relationship does not work through projection, right, So we have
to discern the difference between somebody giving us direction and projection.

(24:23):
Projection is coming from them. This is you talking about,
and you're trying to make me you the part of
you that you disown, the part of you that you devalue.
You're trying to project that on to me. That's not
me but the mirror of relationship. And especially when you're

(24:45):
dealing with a healthy relationship, your partner should be able
to come to you in a respectful way and outline
their observations of how you show up. And they shouldn't
do it disrespectfully. And it shouldn't be I language, you language,
You always do this, and it should be more I.

(25:07):
This is what I've observed and from my perspective, which
is limited, and I could be wrong. And I'm coming
to you to ask you for clarity from for what
I'm perceiving. Do our perceptions match here? Please give me

(25:30):
context from your perspective, because I can't know it, because
I can't experience it from your perspective. That's a whole
different way to do it, right. But most folks be like,
you know what's wrong with you?

Speaker 5 (25:47):
See?

Speaker 4 (25:47):
Your problem is you'd be like, huh, you know me
better than I know me? And you still broken?

Speaker 10 (25:58):
You?

Speaker 4 (25:58):
Wait, you looking through some broken lenses and you can
see me clearer then I can see me. Do you
see what I say? So again, projection is not the
same as the mirrored reflection. Let me tell you something
about the mirror reflection of relationship. You ain't even got

(26:19):
to really articulate it. It shows up in the environment
of the relationship just by experiencing it. If you just
sit quietly and watch how people show up and try
to be objective, you will see them cheat in the
way they show up. Right, this is what the body

(26:40):
language and the behavioralist peep they'd be like. So when
you look up to the left while you're talking, you're lying.
Do you see what I'm saying? Or when you fold
your arms You're really not receptive of what I'm saying?
Do you get what I'm That's the thing, right, I'm

(27:00):
just saying a lot of times we're not skilled in that,
but we think because we were married, we have a
better understanding of relationship is than somebody who studied behavior
a behavioralist or somebody who studied clinical psychology. And I mean, like,
I ain't listen to nobody that ain't been married. You
don't know nothing about this, but they know about it

(27:22):
from a different perspective, and they see things and are
trained to see things that you have no idea to
look for. Man, listen, listen, that's good brother. I love
that question. Listen. Andy jumped in and now we got
to move forward. But I'm gonna come back because the
callers are on the line and they need to express themselves.

(27:46):
Let's get it.

Speaker 11 (27:47):
Reactive abuse weaponizes your breaking points as proof you're the issue.
They poke in prod and gaslight and push your boundaries
until you finally lose your so they can say, see,
you're unhinged, Look how crazy you're acting, and you believe
it because normal peace don't completely lose control and say
cruel demeanings like that. So it's got to be you, right. Look,
if you're calm with friends, reasonable at work, regulated with family,

(28:08):
and don't get triggered by people in the comments, but
turn into a rabbit dog with your partner, chances are
it's not who you are, it's what's being done to you.
Emotional volatility shows up everywhere. Reactive abuse shows up in
one relationship. Carl Jung called it a nantiodromia, when something
pushed to its extreme becomes its opposite. They'll push you
so far past your limits, that the kindest person can

(28:30):
become cruel, the calmest person can become volatile. Then they'll
point their finger at the monster they created as proof.
My suggestion, remove yourself. Once you're out of the situation,
you'll stabilize like magic, because it was never about you
being broken. It was about being broken down by someone
who needed to control and manipulate you into being the villain.

Speaker 4 (28:50):
Wo dog Man is on the loose. He's his own
dog catcher man. He's cooking with the rarest grease. I
love that love, love love. If you want to follow him,
it's Lenny no filter philosophy, Lenny l I N N
I E no filter philosophy. Love his work. We got

(29:12):
callers on the line. I want to get to him
right now. J W from South central Los Angeles. What
are your thoughts on tonight's topic, My friend?

Speaker 7 (29:20):
Uh, First of all, I want I'm sorry I missed you.
I got to l A. I asked about you, heard
you are. There's sorry I missed you.

Speaker 4 (29:29):
I definitely came to see you, my brother. But it's
all love. We'll get another opportunity in the very near future.
I'm sure your thoughts on tonight's topic.

Speaker 7 (29:40):
Well, yeah, it just made me think about a relative
mind style. You can trigger me at I'll try to
say something more than four or five times in the
Tom manner, and then when I raise my voice, then
I'm the problem. And then I know how back up
out of it and you know, walk away things of

(30:01):
that nature, and I leave it at that.

Speaker 4 (30:04):
No, it's okay, man. And guess what, You're a part
of the problem when you raise your voice. But that's okay,
you know what I'm saying. That's something you can take,
you know, accountability for for sure.

Speaker 7 (30:17):
Yeah, because I bet I know better.

Speaker 4 (30:19):
Yes, yes, man, I love you brother, and and and again.
I hope to see you soon and I hope to
see you at one of these events that comes up
in the very near future. Okay, yes, sir, how we
go with YouTube? Brother Jay dub brought South Central in
the building. If you want to bring your city in
the building. That you got to do is call me
A one twenty fifteen eighty John Mountain View, Hawaii. What

(30:41):
are your thoughts on tonight's topic.

Speaker 12 (30:45):
Greetings and blessings to those within the sound of my voice.
You keep bringing these triggers. That's gonna make me rip
out my beard, but let's go.

Speaker 4 (30:56):
Come on.

Speaker 12 (30:57):
Okay, Just to add knew us to this conversation, because again,
if we're talking about weak people being with weak people,
don't we volunteer for the things that are comfortable to us?
So how is it manipulation when basically we're volunteering for
the war we ain't supposed to be.

Speaker 4 (31:20):
Keep going, I'm listening, keep going on. I need you
in here. Come on.

Speaker 12 (31:25):
I'm just saying because again as the old words and
the old guidance from the old people who told me
the wisdom that they had when it came to relationships,
I still fail at a relationship being exactly what they told.

Speaker 5 (31:36):
Me to be nice?

Speaker 4 (31:39):
Did they tell you to embody kindness?

Speaker 12 (31:43):
Well? If I embodied kindness, then why did it still
have me volunteering to be on the cross.

Speaker 5 (31:50):
That I wasn't laid the bear on and actually be.

Speaker 12 (31:55):
The human being taking the abuse that somebody was just
gonna give to me? Did you have because I freely
gave them the right to do it?

Speaker 4 (32:04):
No, this is good stuff. Did you have any expectation
of recompense for doing nice?

Speaker 12 (32:13):
Well, let's not talk about the recompense We're still talking
about the abuse that I had to deal with in
trying to understand what nice was, following.

Speaker 4 (32:22):
I get it, and following yeah, I get it. But
when we embody something, see listen what I'm saying. Many
of us think with an economic mind. We think true opportunity, cost,
we think labor, we think scarcity of resources. If I

(32:45):
give this, I spent seven years. I wasted seven years
of my life. We think economically when it comes to relationship, right,
but when you embody something, it can never diminish. You
wasted my love? How I am love? I had a
woman ask me a couple months ago, do you still

(33:09):
love me? And I was like, yeah, ma'am?

Speaker 5 (33:15):
Do you still need attention?

Speaker 12 (33:17):
Is that the reason why you call it thump?

Speaker 4 (33:19):
But do you see what I'm saying? Though, it can't
be lost if you are the thing. Many of us
truly follow me here. Many of us perform nice because
we're looking for the payoff, the ROI, the return of investment.

Speaker 5 (33:40):
Exactly DC.

Speaker 4 (33:41):
So we're not really nice, We're not really kind or caring.
We are making an investment, am I lion or all?

Speaker 12 (33:51):
When it begins true, like I said, nuanced because there's
a whole lot to this that can be explained.

Speaker 5 (33:58):
Let's try and get to the the little bit of it.

Speaker 4 (34:01):
I'm coming to you.

Speaker 5 (34:02):
Other people want to get a lot.

Speaker 4 (34:03):
No, brother, you cooking, don't worry about that. I got you.
Are we manipulators when we seek to invest in others?
Do we ultimately want a payout?

Speaker 12 (34:16):
Well, as we have been guided, yes, as we have
been instructed. Yes, as we come to the knowledge after
we went through the cross or the crucifixion that needed
to take place for your soul, we understand the choice
that we have in it. And now we know where
the love is. Now we know what love is supposed

(34:40):
to be. We know how much of abundance we got
of it. That's why we continue to choose to do it.

Speaker 4 (34:47):
Or not or all. We got to get what we
want out of this thing, right, is that true?

Speaker 5 (34:54):
Well?

Speaker 12 (34:54):
Actually we gotta, actually we gotta we got to give in.
How about that? Because we got to give in to Yeah.
I may have to learn this lesson the hard way,
but it'll get me to the right results. I hear you,
because I may have volunteered for this situation, but it
still blessed me along the way. If I saw the

(35:15):
blessing in it.

Speaker 4 (35:17):
If I saw the blessing, man, I love you, brother,
I love If I saw the blessing in it. And
if I didn't see the blessing in it, I have
to reenact, then you'll repeat it. That's right, that's right,
that's right.

Speaker 12 (35:31):
John. Guess what you just did, brother, Mountain Views and
the house blessing.

Speaker 4 (35:36):
So all Mountview, Hawaii is in the building. If you
want to bring your city in the building, all you
gotta do is call me one eight hundred nine twenty
fifteen eighty. When affection becomes performance, does love die in
the applause or the exhaustion? Skinner? B. F. Skinner, nineteen

(35:57):
fifty three, Breaker, two thousand and four. When affection becomes performance,
does love die in the applause or the exhaustion? You
know how many people out here tired of love because
they haven't built up their internal spiritual fortitude. They haven't

(36:19):
embodied anything. They've just been performing the whole show. Let
me just say this, My playlist is crazy. Right now,
we played that Chucky Booker right, why you want to
play games? Or well you want to then we played
I'm Not Gaming by Troup Chucky Booker produced. All I
do is think of you and spread my wings for

(36:42):
true we're out here cooking with the rarest grease. When
we come forward, we're going to Denver, Colorado. Let's get it.

Speaker 13 (36:50):
Ignorance is manipulation. Consciously choosing to be ignorant of a
subject rather than learn about it destroys relationships, whether they
be familial, platonic, or romantic. You'll come across people who
are so convinced that their pattern of thinking about situations
is right that they'll disregard any opposing thought process. But

(37:11):
that's not how relationships work. That makes people feel unheard, unseen, ignored,
and undervalued. You should always hear the other person out.
That shows respect for their intellect and how they feel.
It shows awareness about the opinions of others, and it
shows you're teachable and willing to learn the ways in
which the other person breaks down situations and how they think. Now,

(37:35):
after the conversation, a decision has to be made. But
take note if every conversation goes your way or goes theirs,
because then one of you will begin to feel well,
why say anything? You'll hear me, and then do you anyway?
You know, like I come across too many people who
have normalized being in relationship with someone who was unbendable

(37:57):
and unteachable. And when that becomes enough of an issue,
now we have separation and distance creeping in, and then
it becomes about who you become in a relationship when
you're dissatisfied, unhappy and things aren't going your way, which
is a whole another war in it of itself.

Speaker 4 (38:14):
Are you in a manipulationship? First and foremost, you need
to understand this very simply. You just need to understand.
Relationships are difficult. Oh no, they're not. Healthy relationships make
space for the difficulty that happens that ebb and flow

(38:36):
in life. They make space. Okay, this is all right.
We're in a bad space right now. Healthy folks be like, Okay,
we just don't like each other right now. That don't
mean we don't love each other still, That don't mean,
you know, you know, the relationship is over. We're just
in a bad place and we just need a little time,

(39:00):
you know, to kind of think it through and reapproach
one another in a respectful way. See, healthy relationships are pliable,
they're scalable. Who I was yesterday might not be who
I am next week. But because I love you, I'm
going to keep you abreast of my progress and you're

(39:23):
gonna do the same. And we're going to talk it through.
We're gonna sit down, we're gonna make space for each
other's feelings. You know all of that. That's a healthy relationship.
Your voice matters. When was the last time your lover said,
you know, I haven't heard your story? How has it changed?

(39:45):
How's it evolved? You know, your story has space in
my heart, your story has space in my reality. Your
story is re veered here. Your story is respected. And
I'm not talking about the victim story. I'm talking about

(40:08):
the story of you, your evolution. That's a heavy relation
or a healthy relationship. When you feel like you can't
tell your real story to your partner, you are a
manipulator because you're gonna perform around the lack of voice
you have. Did what? What did he say? Yeah? You're

(40:31):
doing that to you. You're going to perform around the
lack of voice you have. They didn't take your voice? Well,
yes they did, because they might judge me. They may not,
they may not, or why not create the infrastructure so

(40:54):
the judgment can be removed. Hey, we need to start
having relationship devotion. After church, we go to church spiritual devotion,
let's get it devotion with God. But now let's have
intimate devotion where it's a safe space where you can
say anything that's on your heart about us, about your

(41:18):
You know, you growing in us or you feeling stagnant
in us. Otherwise we're manipulating. If we can't be totally truthful,
we're manipulating. Are you in a manipulation ship? Manipulation as
an attachment, as an insecure attachment reflex the insecure architecture

(41:44):
of love. Healthy love is not innate. It is learned
in the nervous system of infancy. When the parents gaze
is inconsistent, the child's psyche begins its apprenticeship in illusion,
learning to perform for connection and retreat for safety. Thus,

(42:10):
what we later label manipulation may not be pathology, but adaptation,
the body's last defense against emotional starvation. So manipulation is
an extension of survival mode one eight hundred nine twenty
fifteen eighty. Are you in survival mode but you're calling

(42:30):
it a relationship? Are you in survival mode but you're
calling it a relationship? Somebody call me and talk to me.
The manipulator is not born. They are conditioned in the
echo chamber of neglect, the birthplace of strategy. Attachment as

(42:53):
the nervous system's theology. John Bowlby nineteen sixty nine described
attachment as a biological imperative, the infant's instinct to stay
near a caregiver for survival. You dating your daddy who
was absent, so the absentee spirit of your man fits

(43:18):
who he was. Oh no, don't do that.

Speaker 5 (43:23):
Though.

Speaker 4 (43:27):
We love comfort, even if it's born out of toxicity.
We love the known.

Speaker 14 (43:37):
Right.

Speaker 4 (43:38):
The no on will regulate me. You ain't with a soulmate.
You're with Let's keep going. We on it tonight. Who
wants to talk? But when caregiving is erratic or emotionally misattuned,
the child learns that love is not reliable, only negotiable. Listen.

(44:05):
That's Mary Ainsworth nineteen seventy eight her Strange situation studies. Listen.
But when caregiving is a erradic or emotionally misattuned, the
child learns that love is not reliable, only negotiable. Mary Ainsworth,

(44:25):
nineteen seventy eight. Strained situation studies revealed three insecure patterns anxious, avoidant,
and disorganized that become the nervous systems operating systems for
adult intimacy. People be trying to talk their way around this.

(44:46):
It's okay for people to be avoidant. No, that's your curriculum.
You're not supposed to stay avoidant. Avoidant is not like
I'm Capricorn's not a sign you know I'm a virgo. No, no, no.
If you have an insecure attachment sign a style, it's

(45:08):
not for you to identify with. It's for you to
deconstruct then reconstruct as secure. That's what it's for. The
anxious child amplifies distress so they can be seen. The
avoidant child suppresses need to preserve dignity. They think they're dignified.

(45:34):
Listen by suppressing. Listen to the thought process. You dating
somebody like this, you're married to somebody on eight hundred
and nine, twenty fifteen eighty. The disorganized child oscillates between
the two, craving comfort from the very figure that frightens them.

(45:54):
Mama scared me, but I know Mama is the source
of love. Is today a good day to approach Mama?
Each learns an implicit algorithm. If I cannot evoke love
by being. I must evoke it by strategy. Are you
in a manipulation ship? Are you strategizing to get what

(46:19):
you love strategized with me? See what happened? Boy, I'm
gonna call you out. Oh lord, I'm gonna call you out. Y'all,
say you know, I see you. Right to manipulate is
to anticipate rejection before it arrives, and to choreograph behavior
to preempt that rejection. Insecure attachment transforms emotional need into

(46:44):
psychological theater. The anxious manipulator uses guilt, hypervigilance, or overfunctioning
to secure proximity closeness. The avoidant manipulator uses silence, detachment,
or intellectualization to control role, the terms of the agreement.
The disorganized manipulator weaponizes unpredictability, oscillating between tenderness and withdrawal

(47:08):
to maintain power through confusion. Do they even like me?
Is it real? What we own?

Speaker 5 (47:16):
Is?

Speaker 4 (47:17):
What do we as? Tatkin twenty twelve notes insecure partners
are not seeking dominance, but rather regulation. You think you're
in a soulmate relationship because you're regulated. No, you're in stasis.

(47:41):
You're not growing because you're addicted to the opiate called safety.
Oh what holozo, holon. I know I'm triggering some who
wants this work this evening. I got work for y'all.

(48:01):
One ain't under nine twenty fifteen eighty. Let's get it.
We got phone callers. I want to get the phone
callers on the line. I already know I want. I
want to get the people on the line. We have
people all over the country. Cali Soul, Denver, Colorado. What

(48:22):
are your thoughts on tonight's topic?

Speaker 10 (48:27):
MM?

Speaker 4 (48:30):
Was I talking to you? Was I because you and
you give me this attitude that means out? You feel
like I ain't calling you out. I promise you.

Speaker 15 (48:43):
It's all good. It's all good. This topic takes me
to the love languages, and I remember a few years
ago one of my teachers was telling me that the
love languages is actually birthed out of fear, and I

(49:03):
didn't understand it then. But with this topic, I see
where the love languages can absolutely be utilized for manipulation. Yeah,

(49:25):
and I think there's been times that I have not
been aware of my manipulative behavior. So now that I know.

Speaker 16 (49:41):
That, I'm that I've been dismissive avoiding. I'm able to
like nip things in the blood when I see them
come up, you know, and push myself to be outside
of my comfort zone. And when I want to retract,
go ahead and extend, unless I don't have no business extending, right,

(50:04):
Why Because we have the power of choice, So like
we're always attracting, We're never not attracting, you know.

Speaker 15 (50:17):
But if if someone comes up in your space and
you can see, like like I've recently experienced someone who
is the attachment style, that's the mix of the both
of them.

Speaker 4 (50:31):
Fearful, disorganized, Yeah, fearful avoiding disorganized.

Speaker 15 (50:35):
Yeah yeah, And I was like, yeah, no, I'm not
about to I'm not about to do that.

Speaker 4 (50:41):
But wo wo wo woll you do have the power
of choice, but ask yeah, why am I attracting a
fearful avoiding.

Speaker 15 (50:54):
I know why to see myself?

Speaker 4 (50:56):
Yes, but what in you is disorganized, lot, incongruent, contradictory, chaotic.

Speaker 15 (51:12):
But again, though, does that mean that I'm like no,
like I should.

Speaker 14 (51:15):
I have the power of choice like you do.

Speaker 4 (51:18):
You can say yeah, but but I get it. I
get it. But that's because of the old way we
see relationship. The old way is if it ain't good,
if it ain't for my highest good. You know how
people use spiritual language. If this ain't for my highest good? No, no, no,

(51:40):
we need to stop for a moment and say, what
in me attracted chaos? That's what the disorganized. They're literally
called disorganized because they're a mixture of avoidant and anxious.
Why did I attract that? What about them resonates with me?

Speaker 15 (52:08):
I think for me it was the shiny carrot. It
was just the exterior.

Speaker 4 (52:16):
But more is more is involved than just the physical, right.

Speaker 15 (52:23):
Absolutely, But like if you like, if you know somebody
has allowed consciousness, if they if they approach and lead
with a loud consciousness, you can choose not to engage
in connect that. And it's not a judgment, but it's
just like I feel like in the past, it would

(52:46):
be like, oh, I don't care, you're cute, or you're handso,
or you got money, whatever it is, let's give it
a try. And it's like yeah, and you can drive
yourself insane. So like, my choice now is the no,
thank you.

Speaker 4 (53:00):
I'm not trying to take that choice away from you
or diminish it. What I'm saying is, if relationship is
a school, and that relates you attracted a fearful avoidance
and you chose not never mind, I'm not going through that.

(53:23):
Mm hmm. No, no, ma'am, I'm not gonna do that.
You choose not to do it. Are you skipping a
course that you may later have to take again?

Speaker 15 (53:38):
I don't think so.

Speaker 4 (53:39):
You think you can skip to the better course later.
Let's go up. Let you know what, Let me go
to the peaceful course, you know.

Speaker 15 (53:52):
And sometimes I have to go back and listen to
the shows to really, you know, catch it.

Speaker 4 (53:57):
No, stay right here, don't go nowhere. CALLI so my sister.
I love her to death. Man, don't leave, don't leave.
I got more for Calli's soul in Denver, let's get it.

Speaker 17 (54:09):
One of the toughest places for me too was it
was relationships, and it still is. You know, it still
is a really tough space for me. That also goes
to on realistic expectations. You know, I don't if things
get tough, I'll leave. Yeah, you know, you know, I

(54:33):
you know, I heard you talking about fake intimacy once.
Do you know what I'm talking about? What were you
talking about about?

Speaker 18 (54:39):
It?

Speaker 19 (54:39):
I resonated with that, so every child longs for connection. Yeah,
just built. But if you can't get it. You try
to connect with dad, but he's always too busy, Mom's
always depressed or angry. You can't connect, so you assume
it's my fault. I must be something wrong with me.
But I'm still driven f for connection. But I don't

(55:02):
want deep, genuine connection now because that's always led to rejection.
So let's try bar room intimacy. Let's try fake intimacy.
Let's just have fun all the time and sport.

Speaker 17 (55:15):
Pervert, yes, set, Yeah, pornography, that sort of thing.

Speaker 19 (55:18):
Yeah, because it gives the feelings of connection without the
true intimacy. Yeah, but it doesn't.

Speaker 4 (55:25):
Hey, that's the Avonne and Tim Letcher Fletcher, and they
are cooking fake intimacy. If you can't be the real
you with the person you claim you love, you're in
a manipulationship. Calli's all get in here, I'm here. What

(55:49):
is relationship for?

Speaker 8 (55:54):
To grow the fold right to.

Speaker 4 (55:58):
See oneself as they are? Are? Yes, yes, Judu. Christian
Emerti wrote a book called Relationship to Oneself, to Others,
to the world. Relationship is a mirror in which I
see myself as I am, But as most of us

(56:19):
do not like what we are, we begin to discipline,
either positively or negatively, what we perceive in the mirror
of relationship. If you recognize the illusion, then you can,
by putting it aside, give your attention to the understanding

(56:41):
of relationship. But if you seek security in relationship, it
becomes an investment in comfort and illusion and the greatness
of relationship it's very insecurity. Oh listen, I don't you

(57:02):
want to skip lessons? Sweetheart? You have the right to
do so. Yes, you have the right to do so.

Speaker 15 (57:13):
Yeah, I still just need to lead the process this
because I know I don't get it.

Speaker 4 (57:19):
I don't. You're you too smart? I know you. I
know you you too smart. You get it. You just
it's uncomfortable. I get it. And the greatness of relationship
is it's very insecurity. What does he mean by the
greatness of relationship? Is its very insecurity? What does he mean? Whytch,

(57:40):
you tell me what it means? Spiritual self, tell me
what that means. And the greatness of relationship is it's
very insecurity. What does that mean? Cally?

Speaker 15 (57:53):
Because it pills you back, It pills all of your
layers back and exposes you.

Speaker 4 (57:57):
Look at you already know and the greatness of relationship
is very insecurity and other words, unconditionally free. Is insecurity
to be caged, to be protected on all four sides
and the floor and the roof of the relationship through
these psychological scaffolding we use JC that's security. We call

(58:25):
a prison security. Okay, she said, Okay, that's not I
love you CALLI Guess what you just did, sweetheart. Building, Denver,
Colorado is in the house. If you want to bring

(58:46):
your city in the building. Now you got to do
is call me one eight hundred nine twenty fifteen eighty.
When we come forward, you already know what it is.
We got Rishard from Saint Petersburg, Florida. We got Lulu
from North Carolina Charlotte, North Carolina. And we got a Tella,
my niece from Houston, Texas. When we come forward, we're
gonna get to it.

Speaker 20 (59:05):
So here's some simple math. If it's required, expected, or
demanded of you to lower your expectations, then there's also
a requirement of you to lower the person's position in
your life. A lot of times, resentment builds when we
keep people in significant spaces with us being expected to
not have expectations while they're in that space, okay, And

(59:29):
a lot of times that's where the friction comes from.
But if somebody knows how to tell you what you
should tolerate, but they can't coach themselves into being better,
and that's something to be mindful of, okay. And it's
the difference between a person having a season. You know
they're going through some things and you have to support
them in whatever way is possible. But if that's the
contingency of the whole relationship, then you might want to

(59:52):
take a look at that. I saw this quote that
said breadcrumbs are not.

Speaker 5 (59:56):
Food, their clues.

Speaker 20 (59:58):
Oh so only doing the bare minimum to get your maximhumm.
And it's about time you decide where am I keeping people?

Speaker 5 (01:00:07):
Okay?

Speaker 20 (01:00:07):
How is that effecting me?

Speaker 18 (01:00:09):
Uh?

Speaker 4 (01:00:09):
Isaiah? For Zelli, I like some of what he said.
I would just add a caveat conversation and communion In
conversation is important. We get to have a conversation about

(01:00:31):
your expectations and if they're unrealistic or not for yourself
and for your partner. Are you asking your partner to
show up in ways that you yourself don't show This
is why I say, people can take what he said
and weaponize it in the opposite right, if people aren't

(01:00:53):
showing up for your expectations, then you need to lower it. Hey, hey,
what if the expectation is asinine? What if they're not
congruent with what they expect of you? This is real, listen,
This is a relationship with a real human being. Can

(01:01:14):
we sit down and talk about your thought process in
coming up with such an expectation? Listen. I had a
conversation with a psychologist. I asked her directly, are you individuated?

(01:01:35):
The first answer was yes, I said, what fully? Then
later on, let me come back, No, I'm not fully individual.
Of course you're not. You're a whole doctor. I get
to ask that, right, did you get on the path
of individuation? Are you fully individual?

Speaker 2 (01:02:00):
Oh?

Speaker 4 (01:02:00):
You're not? Okay? Do you see what I'm saying? This
bare minimum stuff? People are taking it way out of context.
The bare minimum for me is a certain type of restaurant.
The bare minimum for me is a you hold hold tight.

(01:02:23):
What internal wars have you conquered? And if you've conquered them,
you ain't got to ask it's it's you're magnetizing your
success to you. Listen, I don't I don't want to
give away all the jewels. Let's get back to the callers.
We got callers on the line. We got two of
them that's been on the exact same time. We're going
to go to Reshad Saint Petersburg, Florida. What are your

(01:02:47):
thoughts on tonight's conversation?

Speaker 5 (01:02:53):
Well, mister Williams, is finally good to talk to you.

Speaker 4 (01:02:55):
Oh yes, brother, welcome into the show. And your thoughts,
my friend.

Speaker 5 (01:03:01):
Well, one of the biggest things for me was, like
you say, kind of winning that internal war and standing
in shallow waters. But I actually got manipulated by the
mermaid that pretended that she couldn't swim.

Speaker 4 (01:03:19):
How did that happen? Wait? What happened? Share this with me?
The mermaid who pretended that she couldn't swim? What is
that scenario? Please explain?

Speaker 5 (01:03:30):
Well, this is what I was younger. I had got
over my first my first heartbreak, and I was maturing
into solving my own problems as a man. But like
you say, I was anxious to move past the other
problems I hadn't fixed, and she was older.

Speaker 4 (01:03:59):
I just Callie the soul is my friend. I love
Galley's over. Galley said, I'm not signing up for none
of that, no more, I'm.

Speaker 5 (01:04:06):
Not with that. So she was more experienced in swimming
in that current that I wasn't ready for. So when
she got to a certain part of the ocean, she
just let me go. And then now, guess what. Now

(01:04:27):
I'm back rebuilding. Now, like you say, I'm looking at
this cracked mirror where the reflection isn't what I want
to see. A lot of reflection is walking away from me.
So that was my biggest manipulation moment.

Speaker 4 (01:04:42):
And did you learn about the subtle ways you manipulate
yourself in those scenarios? What tell me? Give me an example.

Speaker 5 (01:04:57):
So my biggest growth was understanding and this is that's
what I got from you, that it's never too bad
not to change right. And the biggest lesson that also
learned from you was if if you can look in

(01:05:17):
the mirror and your reflection doesn't walk away from you,
the next day is a bit is a better fight.

Speaker 4 (01:05:24):
Love it, love it, love it. So you're learning from
this whole process. You're up leveling absolutely as you're learning.
I love to hear it. I love to hear it. Rashad,
guess what you just did? Brother?

Speaker 5 (01:05:39):
Talk to me.

Speaker 4 (01:05:40):
Oh, he don't know the rules. Okay. When I say
guess what you just did, you say, I brought Saint Petersburg, Florida,
and all right in the building. Yes, sir, you ready
guess what you just did, Rashod, I.

Speaker 5 (01:05:59):
Just brought Peter's Burg, Florida in the building.

Speaker 4 (01:06:02):
Whoo whoo. That's what I'm talking about. If you want
to bring your city in the building, all you got
to do is call me one hundred nine twenty fifteen
to eighty when we come forward. Were going to Charlotte,
North Carolina. Lulu is on the line. Let's get it,
ladies and gentlemen. You're listening to the vo R and
his playlist. Playlist's been on a complete fire tonight. Man,

(01:06:24):
I love Aliah. I can only imagine how big of
a star she would have been. Man, probably it's harder.
It's harder when you have that counterpoint. It's harder. But

(01:06:45):
Aliyah was magical, man, she really was. It was something
about her horror. As a former an R like you,
you look for something more than just the ability to
do something like the ability to sing or it's just
she had like some extra little sprinkled magic dust on

(01:07:05):
her something. I don't know what it was. They say, oh,
just got the D factor. She was amazing. Well let
me wrap this up. We got callers. Let's get their
final thoughts in here. Lulu from North Carolina, what are
your thoughts on tonight's topic?

Speaker 10 (01:07:20):
So thank you for speaking with me.

Speaker 4 (01:07:23):
Absolutely, absolutely, Lulu your thoughts.

Speaker 10 (01:07:28):
I'm staying up past my bedtime because this is the
conversation that made me realize that I'm the one avoiding
conversations out of fear in my relationship.

Speaker 4 (01:07:40):
Ooh, okay, that's fair. I love that. I love that
the fact that you, you know, can say that, but go.

Speaker 10 (01:07:47):
Ahead, Oh it's wild because I thought I was very
secure in the relationship and my partner is great. My
partner really values honesty and communication. But I'm realizing I
really struggle with bringing up when I have an issue

(01:08:09):
in the relationship, or I disagree with something because I
don't have the solution to it, or because I don't
want to make his day harder. He has a lot
on his play, and I'm realizing these are all excuses,

(01:08:30):
like I'm judging, And you mentioned creating a safe space
judgment free, and I'm like, I don't even know where
to start with that. And the more you're talking, the
more I thought I had met someone completely opposite to
my father. And I'm slowly starting to reconnect with my father.

(01:08:53):
And as I'm reconnecting with my father, I'm realizing the
parts I miss the most about my father are also
in my partner, which is also trippy.

Speaker 4 (01:09:07):
Reenactments, right, what is unfinished will be reenacted. In the
adult relationship, what is ruptured will be reenacted. This is
why the ancient said relationship works as a mirror. This
is why I tell folks you I deserve better. You know,

(01:09:30):
you deserve what you are, what you haven't completed, and
what you have completed, that's what you deserve. You're getting
what you are. But I would say this, I would
say this if there's love in the relationship, if there's
respect in the relationship and mutually going back and forth.

(01:09:51):
Number one, have you tried therapy? No for you, just
for you?

Speaker 10 (01:10:00):
I actually did. I am in therapy, and I think
I wasn't even being honest in my therapy. Sysn't enough.

Speaker 4 (01:10:11):
A lot of people be in their line.

Speaker 18 (01:10:13):
I was the one and the problem.

Speaker 4 (01:10:15):
Yeah, a lot of people be in their line, trust me.
But the point is you got to find your voice right,
and you have to find your voice in a respectful
way to be able to come to your partner and
simply say, hey, let's set up this space where we
can talk about things that only you know, kind of
build our relationship in a better way. Now, I might

(01:10:38):
have to say something that you might not agree with.
I might say something that you know may trigger you,
but the intent is not to disrespect or trigger. The
intent is to get us to look at certain things
that might need an upgrade, some improvement. Right. But you
got to create the safety in yourself first. Right now,

(01:11:00):
when you say I feel like it'll be judged, or
it might get shut down, or I don't want to
bring any negative stuff to him, you already have this
judgment that you're afraid of receiving from him in you
d see. Does that make sense?

Speaker 10 (01:11:18):
Yeah?

Speaker 4 (01:11:20):
So I would suggest singles therapy just for you to
work out where you know your voice lost its strength
and how to communicate what you need and how to
you know, respectfully bring it to your partner and then
now build a system around it. How can we create
this safe space where we both can say, hey, this

(01:11:43):
is this feels strange to me, or this is off
and I would like for you to work on this.
This might be a projection from me. I'm not trying
to put it on you, but what's your perspective on it?
I'd like to know, like to create this kind of
environment where we can kind of play around an experiment
on things that don't like without the fear of being
judged and shut down. Does that make sense?

Speaker 10 (01:12:05):
Yeah?

Speaker 18 (01:12:06):
It does?

Speaker 4 (01:12:07):
All right? All right, Lulu, guess what you just did.

Speaker 10 (01:12:11):
Brought Charlotte in the building.

Speaker 4 (01:12:13):
Lou Lizy, you brought Charlotte in the building. We appreciate
the call. Nothing but love. Let me get my niece
in here right now an tell her what are your thoughts?

Speaker 18 (01:12:25):
Hey, yo, what else to you? Okay? So real QUI
because I know I don't have that much time run
for you if you run through a few things.

Speaker 5 (01:12:32):
Yes.

Speaker 18 (01:12:33):
So, something that Auntie Cally was saying made me think
when you were asking her about the like what's disorganizing you?
And being that I'm a recovering esa, then Jesus h
in Jesus name to me. Yes, something that came to
me though, like, while listening to her talk, if you
have shaloonness in your pursuit and meaning in your desire,
that's your disorganization right there, full stop. Like if I

(01:12:58):
am searching for meaning, I'm wanting a full relationship, but
I'm pursuing things in a shallow way, that is your disorganization. Period.
Planes to the last thing I want to say in
this response to or correlates with the three insecure attachment
syleles for APS, They're always gonna ask that question of worthiness,
right like am I enough? And to me, that question

(01:13:19):
alone is going to explain the need that you have
within As a fearful avoidance, I think our thing that
we do with is like a mission. So can I
be honest and accepted at the same time? And to me,
that's the duality of the relationships. That's it makes things
real rocky. Right for the dismiss the dismissive avoidant, they're
always going to be tackling rebellion. So if I leave,

(01:13:41):
will they follow me? And that's your fear?

Speaker 14 (01:13:45):
Nope, I'm sorry a period, but.

Speaker 18 (01:13:56):
I feel like, what what's the commonality though here with
all of this is just honesty was tough? Like if
I'm not being honest and transparent and real with me,
like it is gonna be real hard for me.

Speaker 11 (01:14:06):
To do that with you.

Speaker 18 (01:14:08):
And I think the less honest you are with yourself,
the more you expect it from your partner. So you know,
we create our own catastrophes in this way.

Speaker 4 (01:14:16):
But that's all I have to saying, niece, guess what
you just did?

Speaker 15 (01:14:22):
All right?

Speaker 18 (01:14:22):
You sent in the building.

Speaker 4 (01:14:23):
Houston, Texas is on the board. Listen. We start the conversations,
it's up to you to finish them. As Tatkin notes
in twenty twelve, insecure partners are not seeking dominance but regulation.

(01:14:45):
They use control as a prosthetic for cold regulation. The
anxious partner clings not because they desire power, but because
they fear annihilation. The avoidant partner distances not because as
they reject love, but because intimacy triggers psychological threat. Manipulation, then,

(01:15:08):
is the nervous systems dialect for please don't leave me
the way love once did. We started, It's up to
you to finish it. I try to make it entertaining
for you. I know it's deep. We peel layers, we

(01:15:28):
pierce the veil. But if we want to love better.
We have to become better. It's not about expectations, it's
about embodying what you want someone to bring to you.
You want somebody to bring it to you because it
wasn't given to you in childhood. So now you're on

(01:15:52):
this endless journey for what wasn't given. But nobody ever
told you that what given is actually something you can
cultivate with. Then I love y'all, I appreciate y'all. I'll
be back tomorrow with another slapper. The vo R is

(01:16:13):
on fire tonight