“Hold Dis L” — The Codex of Sacred Boundaries

The modern cult of “holding space” has become a sanctuary for avoidance. We glorify tolerance while privately hemorrhaging self-respect. The phrase once meant presence; now it often means paralysis. Hold Dis L detonates the myth that unconditional compassion justifies self-erasure. Krishnamurti warned that conformity masquerades as kindness; Hawkins proved that guilt vibrates lower than anger. Together they whisper: love without discernment isn’t love—it’s spiritual codependency with better vocabulary.

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
Everybody swears they want respect, nobody is talking about the
same thing. Two people can be respectful and still offend
each other. To you, respect might means speaking with softness
and patience. To me, respect might means standing firm once
the decision is made.

Speaker 2 (00:13):
Now both of us.

Speaker 1 (00:14):
Think we're doing the right thing, but we still walk
away feeling unheard. Conflict never starts with attitude. It starts
with the definition that was never spoken, Which is why
you can have one person say you disrespected me, and
the other immediately responds, no, I did it. Both are
telling the truth from their own definition. One is reacting
to the meaning they attached to the moment. The other
is defending the intention they believed. They showed one word,

(00:35):
two different standards, and neither one was discussed. But let
me give you perspective. A lot of disrespect isn't intentional.
It's two people thinking their standard is the standard. If
you kill my dog, I'm gonna kill your cat. Think
about tip for tat. The logic is simple. You hurt me,
I hurt you. But the moment you try, you realize
the hurt you're trying to give back. Does it land
the same way it landed on you. The person who

(00:57):
hurt you won't feel it in the same way you
felt it. So now you're attempting to hurt something without
solving anything. The impact isn't equal, the message will not translate.
The real issue will always be there is no shared
baseline for respect, and everyone thinks their version is universal
and it isn't.

Speaker 3 (01:14):
Javon Cross here, don't get week on the weekends, Go
get them. Hey, that was Javan Cross. He was dropping
some jewels. You're listening to the Voice of Reason live
on KBLA Talk fifteen eighty. We are in the heart
of Lamert Park. You already know what it is. It
don't get no Blacker in La then Lamert Come on,

(01:35):
let's get it. Tonight's topic is gonna be deep. It's
gonna be fun because I brought in somebody. He's a legend.
We gotta give him his legendary status. A lot of
people don't want to do it, but I'm gonna do it.
Comedian Jay Lamont is in the building joining the Voice
of Reason.

Speaker 2 (01:55):
Oh man, I'm trying to find out who is he? Well, no, no,
I'm with so what you know fifteen eighty kb LA
My my ma is that Okay, I didn't mean to
go so far with that. What's the name of the station?

(02:19):
Kb L A fifty baby, my my mind, my my mind.
You showing look good tonight. That's what I've told the
ladies out there. Both of you better listening. Can I
get a window? Oh I hear it? Uh huh wow,
here's that one of these what you know, I'm hanging
with my man, So he's got a lot to talk
about tonight.

Speaker 3 (02:38):
Yes, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 (02:42):
Fifteen eighty KBLA Hey.

Speaker 3 (02:45):
Yeah, Jaylen com in the building.

Speaker 2 (02:48):
Doors of the churchill open.

Speaker 3 (02:49):
I'm say, but Jay, before we get started, mm hmm,
we have to acknowledge that Southern California Edison the CEO,
the big Dog. He's going to show up on Dominique
the Prima's show. He's calling in, he emailed Tavis and

(03:13):
Tavis I read the email. Yes, Tavis is going to
talk about their conversation. I read it.

Speaker 2 (03:21):
I just read it like I've heard about this situation here.

Speaker 3 (03:24):
Listen, they established a town hall meeting in Altadena.

Speaker 2 (03:29):
Uh huh. I should have known that's what that was about.

Speaker 3 (03:31):
And Pedro was supposed to show up, but he didn't.
You did not come at all and so what we've
done here, I mean, we just put the kbl A
delegation on him, right, so everybody's emailing and calling him.
So apparently he reached out to the big brother, tav

(03:54):
It's on now, so Tavis is going to show up
on Dominique the Prima Show tomorrow and talk about it,
talk about their discussion in the eight o'clock out.

Speaker 2 (04:07):
I need to hear this. I need to listen.

Speaker 3 (04:09):
Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I mean I'll put a little.

Speaker 2 (04:14):
I need to hear this.

Speaker 3 (04:15):
Speaking of disrespect. Oh no, but that's our topic tonight,
and I want to run it by you first before
I start to break it down and ask all of
these questions. I really want to know your thought on
this thought right here. I can hold space for when

(04:36):
you disappoint me, m. But I can't hold space for
when you disrespect me.

Speaker 2 (04:43):
Oh that's deep.

Speaker 3 (04:45):
How does that resonate with the Great Jay Lemon?

Speaker 2 (04:48):
I can understand that. That's very deep what you just said,
because I think we all can relate to that. I
know I can relate to that when I think of
you know, it's so funny when I when you say that,
I think about certain friends, certain friends who who you
thought were your friends, but they're really not your friends.
So that's to your point when you say they may
disappoint you, but it's like, Okay, I'm still your friend.
But then when they disrespect you, Okay, that's a different situation.

(05:12):
And I remember somebody saying a long time ago, there
may come a day that you think the people that
you knew who were your friends, you may have to
change your friends, you may have to change your circle.
Now I'm a living witness to this because I can
tell you though that there are many who I thought
with my friends at one time, I haven't talked to
them since. Really, that that tells you right there, you know,

(05:34):
so I can relate with that. I can relate to that.
You see that, oh very much so.

Speaker 3 (05:39):
And what about an intimate relationships do you feel like
sometimes well your.

Speaker 2 (05:44):
Celebrity that's a whole other conversation.

Speaker 3 (05:46):
Yeah, but that's what this, that's what the voice of
reason is about.

Speaker 2 (05:49):
Oh, there's a whole lot I'd like to say on that,
but I don't think I should say it here. But
but I'm.

Speaker 3 (05:54):
Saying, have you been with people who were with you
because of who you were in the world? As opposed
to who you are behind.

Speaker 2 (06:02):
I think I can say I have. I think I
can say that I have because you know, it's so
crazy about that, because I remember that one time my mother.
You know, as they say, sometimes your mother is your
biggest protector, you know, because even she's she's the kind
of person she can see through you. And I think
anybody that's listening who has a mother or even a father,
they can see through people who you associate with, even
in relationships. My mom was the kind of person, you know,

(06:24):
you know, she seems I don't know something unusual about her,
like do you think she's probably getting with you because
of who you are and everything. She would ask me
that sometimes you know, and that's the mother that's being protective,
you know. But you know, and you know, that's a
good question. That's a good question because I know of
some that I have met. I mean, I will admit
there's maybe I can think of one or two young
ladies that I actually dated at one time who I

(06:45):
actually met on the road. And mind you, they approached me.
I didn't approach them. They approached me. And I know
to some men that may be a little somewhat off
because of a woman being assertive to come up to
you instead of us coming up to them. But it
was cool at first, but then you realize the true
colors come out later on down the line. You know,
God forbid, if I get sick or don't want to
do this tomorrow, are they going to still be around?

(07:08):
You know? Now, thankfully that hasn't hasn't gone to that situation.
But you know, I can honestly understand that. Yeah, I
definitely can.

Speaker 3 (07:17):
Being with you for who you are in.

Speaker 2 (07:20):
The world, and they're out there too.

Speaker 3 (07:23):
As opposed to being with you for who you are behind.

Speaker 2 (07:26):
Clothes, whether in sports, entertainment. I mean, trust me. I've
even had this conversation with other friends of mine whose
names I won't mention, but I mean even they will
tell you. You know, it's crazy. When they see the chachain,
they figure, oh, okay, I made it.

Speaker 3 (07:40):
We made it.

Speaker 2 (07:41):
Now I care about you, and now.

Speaker 3 (07:42):
I care oh lord.

Speaker 2 (07:44):
Yes.

Speaker 3 (07:44):
And you know there's this new term floating around that
everybody is using. It's a holding space.

Speaker 2 (07:51):
Right.

Speaker 3 (07:52):
I'm a hold space, which means being present, right, which
means not judging holding space, being present. I'm not going
to judge. I'm not gonna criticize, I'm gonna support, I'm
gonna be there, yep. But do you think there are
people out there who see that as a weakness your kindness,
because it's a great, yeah, act of kindness, right, right

(08:14):
to hold space.

Speaker 2 (08:16):
And it goes to that saying that you know, don't
take my kindness from a weakness. You know you don't
want to do that. Never bite the hand that feeds you, right.
You know, it's so interesting because you think of, like
I said to my point about the friendship, those who
you thought were your friends. You know, I think of
people who I've helped out at times. I'm sure you've
had the same situation. Yes, there may come a day
hopefully you know you might need their help. As my

(08:38):
mother said one time, do you think they're going to
help you? Probably not, And I've seen it happen. You know,
that's one aspect of what you just said.

Speaker 3 (08:45):
So we don't want to hold space for people that
have no intention of reciprocating.

Speaker 2 (08:51):
No, if you can really see through a person, you
can really tell what that person's all about. What did
May Angelou say at one time? You know? You know,
when a person, a person shows you who they really are.
Believe them the first time, the first, which means don't
second guess. Once they show their true colors. That's when
you're gonna be like, do I really want to hang

(09:12):
with this person?

Speaker 3 (09:13):
Jay le Mona is in here cutting up right now?
Come on?

Speaker 2 (09:16):
Yeah, yeah, I just made up that tongue.

Speaker 3 (09:20):
I don't know what I just seen, but you know
I've also flipped Maya Angelou's term two. I said, when
a person shows you who you are, believe them right
the first time, because oftentimes we'll see them, but we
won't see us. And the cold part is we'll ignore

(09:41):
seeing them like we've been ignoring seeing ourselves.

Speaker 2 (09:47):
To the choir, now, come on, come on, what's you know?

Speaker 3 (09:53):
Yeah? The Voice of Reason is getting deep by the night.
Listen deep. I encourage people to call in because this
topic is going to be deep. I can hold space
for you when you disappoint me. You're you're a human.
To air is human, to forgive is divine, it's divine.

(10:14):
But I can't hold space for you disrespect.

Speaker 2 (10:18):
Boy, and that also you can apply that also when
when when somebody, when you know you're going somewhere in
your life, you're you've got you've got in you know,
you've got things that you want to try.

Speaker 3 (10:28):
To press the direction you got purpose, but.

Speaker 2 (10:31):
Then you've got those that don't have that same direction. Okay,
oh am, I going someplace and you're gonna love this.
And I learned this from a friend of mine. I
have an older gentleman who's you know, I think we
all can relate to that one person you can call
every now and then to get their advice. Yes, you
know what he said to me. Never allow anyone to
sabotage your success, friend or family.

Speaker 3 (10:55):
And sabotage and your success could be somebody just being
a burden, pulling your resources when you should be focused on.

Speaker 2 (11:04):
Oh yeah, yes, yeah, And that's just like what like
I said, you may have to change your friends, you
have to change your association. One time, Prince Prince, the
Great Prince who I really miss said one time on
a talk show. He said, it feels good to be
around somebody who's in the same type of endeavor that
you are, that you can speak the same language. Because
whatever language you're speaking, you know, you really can't go

(11:25):
somewhere with certain people. You've got to, you know, be
able to relate, be relatable, to somebody else that can
understand the same language.

Speaker 3 (11:31):
Oh I love it, I love it, I love it.

Speaker 2 (11:34):
Am I going too deep? I'm sory?

Speaker 3 (11:35):
No, no, no, you're doing the right thing. You're doing
the right Are you in a relationship with somebody who
refuses to stop being disrespectful because you're holding space? When
I come forward the voice of reason, we gonna keep

(11:55):
this fire. Let let's go.

Speaker 4 (11:59):
People disrespect you and I'm giving you permission. No, I'm
asking you to start.

Speaker 3 (12:04):
Calling it out.

Speaker 4 (12:05):
Number one, backhanded compliment, Wow, you're pretty smart for somebody
who didn't go to college. Excuse me, call it out.
Its disrespect. Number two someone pressuring you over and over
to do something that you've already said no to call
it out. Look, no is a complete sentence. Number three,

(12:28):
somebody who talks over you. That's a complete form of disrespect.
Call that stuff out. And number four, if you're talking
to somebody and they're scrolling on their phone, that's disrespectful
and you need to call it out.

Speaker 3 (12:48):
The modern cult of holding space has become a sanctuary
for avoidance. We glorify tolerance while privately hemorrhaging self respect.
The phrase once meant listen, it is now. The phrase
once meant right, holding space and presence and non judgmental

(13:13):
position in a conflict or in a disagreement. Now it
often means paralysis. Hold this l Tonight's topic detonates the
myth that unconditional compassion justifies self erasure. The great philosopher
Jay Krishnamurti warned that conformity masquerades as kindness. Doctor David R.

(13:37):
Hawkins proved that guilt vibrates lower than anger. Together, they whisper,
love without discernment isn't love. It's spiritual codependency with better vocabulary. Listen,
Every disappointment reveals your capacity for empathy. Every act of

(14:00):
respect reveals your price. The nervous system knows the difference
long before the intellect starts to rationalize it. Okay, disappointment tightens,
then releases, disrespect freezes. The body records what the ego edits.

(14:22):
Every time you excuse what contracts your chest, you train
your biology to normalize this violation, this infraction, the unmitigated
gall The fact is this is not enlightenment. That kind
of behavior of just sitting there and letting somebody push

(14:44):
you around. Somebody just be disrespectful, and you just let
it go. That's not enlightenment, it's learned helplessness with an incense. Listen,
my brother is here, deep, come on, jago it in here. Man.
It sounds like you've walked a mile in those shoes.

(15:04):
Somebody did it to you.

Speaker 2 (15:06):
I've seen a lot of that. I think we've all
seen a lot of that, you know, even the part
about talking to someone trying to have a conversation with
someone who probably who's probably not listening to you, looking
at their phone, checking messages or what have you. Now,
I am guilty of that as well. I'll just say
it straight up. I'm guilty of that, and a lot
of times I have to check myself, especially if you're
in a deep conversation with somebody. Even what's bad enough

(15:27):
is being on a date. Oh and I tell i'm
my brothers, be careful, be careful being on your phone
and you with a date and they're gonna look at
you like, okay, okay, why are you on your phone
and I'm trying to talk to you and everything like that.
You know, that's truly disrespectful right there, And you have
to watch that.

Speaker 3 (15:41):
That's interesting.

Speaker 2 (15:41):
Yeah, no, no, you know what I mean.

Speaker 3 (15:44):
Yeah, I agree, but I will say this, h we
live in a culture now where people are smarter right
in terms of they understand therapy speak yep, know, and
they weaponize these concepts so that they can remain like

(16:05):
this crazy man. Right, Wait a minute, you're talking to
me about my phone, but I see you on your phone.
You're being very very contradictory right now. Yeah, wait a minute,
I was doing business.

Speaker 2 (16:20):
Yeah, at the table exactly. And then that's that's where
they're going to say, does that matter what I'm what
I'm texting about, who I'm texting to? You know?

Speaker 5 (16:29):
What?

Speaker 3 (16:29):
What are we?

Speaker 2 (16:30):
What's the conversation about? You know?

Speaker 3 (16:33):
Then let me just right on.

Speaker 2 (16:35):
Point, right on point.

Speaker 3 (16:36):
From our generation, it's a little harder to tap in
and date because technology has kind of warped the minds
of the dating pool. Yeah, so I'm going to ask
you a very serious question because many people are kind
of lost on this. What is the purpose of intimate relationships?

(16:56):
I would like to know Jay Lemon's idea, Why did
God create relationships for us, for humans in.

Speaker 2 (17:06):
Particular intimate relationships? Now see, now you're really going there, now.

Speaker 3 (17:09):
What were we here for it? Then? JA, come on, because.

Speaker 2 (17:13):
Because think about this, just as you're asking me that
think it wasn't that long ago, though, it wasn't that
longer that we didn't have all this all this technology,
you know, think about it, you know. So, I mean,
I can remember the days. I'm gonna make you laugh.
I remember the days when I was in college. And
I'm sure many that's listening online can relate. Remember the
times you was in college you had to wait in
line to use the payphone, hoping somebody in line would

(17:33):
have a calling card number if you didn't have enough
coins to make a phone call, you know. And and
the purpose of me waiting in line to use the
payphone was to call a certain girl that I really liked.

Speaker 3 (17:42):
And that's when the payphone was done.

Speaker 2 (17:44):
That's when the intimate relationship kicked in because of hey,
what you're doing? How you doing whatever? You know, now
we have this this little object called a cell phone
that you can pick up, you know, so.

Speaker 3 (17:53):
You're saying it's create Technology is created a disconnect. Intimacy
used to be where we're fit to face.

Speaker 2 (18:01):
See, that's where we're going right there. You know, I
remember the times of having to be you know, it's
like you wish you could be up for, you know,
right in front of that person that you're really trying
to get to, know that you're interested in, you know,
me being the person that I am. You know, I'm
a vocalist too, so I can remember times if there
was a certain girl I liked, we went out. I
you know, instead of conversation, I'd sing her a song,
sing to her. That was my way of communicating with her,

(18:23):
let her know what I feel about her. I sing
a little Ezer Brother, sing a little Luther.

Speaker 3 (18:27):
Oh, I'll go there, go there, just shut.

Speaker 2 (18:30):
Us up with you. I should have said that, huh.

Speaker 3 (18:32):
Yeah, you're talking to a young lady and you want
to let her know this is old school. How we
coulnnect give it to her?

Speaker 2 (18:38):
Man?

Speaker 3 (18:38):
Oh yeah yeah? And so how meet you?

Speaker 2 (18:46):
Are you hungry? Are you hungry? Can we go somewhere?
I've done that to some girls. They be laughing and they.

Speaker 3 (18:52):
Say, you're so cude.

Speaker 2 (18:53):
I wish you stop stop doing that, you know. I
remember times a girl would call me up and put
her friend on the on the other to listen to
me singing. If the other friend will start screaming more
than the one that likely did she said, okay, girl,
you got to go because okay, you're gonna start liking
Jay and I don't want that, you know, And I go,
don't you remember you tell me I love me, baby?

(19:14):
You know? So I do it. I know some some
of the women are like, oh my god, so who
is that guy? I love you? I really do. And
hope the record on skill. I really, I really, I really,
I really do. Just like that. You know.

Speaker 3 (19:29):
Hey, y'all, Jaylen is in here.

Speaker 2 (19:32):
He back to the croon and I'm sorry, I know
I took it to another hold on.

Speaker 3 (19:40):
Hold on, that's Pasadena legend John D.

Speaker 2 (19:44):
Yeah, I remember this song.

Speaker 3 (19:45):
This was when he was sounding like Babyface.

Speaker 2 (19:50):
And that's Babyface's production. See, I know, hey, man, see.

Speaker 3 (19:54):
Let's let's give him his voice. Man, put what in
the world if we gonna play John B on his birthday?
Someone to let's play the John B music that John
Be loves singing.

Speaker 2 (20:10):
I see that. I can hear baby Face singing back
up to.

Speaker 3 (20:12):
See this is what John B was on. John B
likes sisters, Johnny want to sing to the system.

Speaker 2 (20:19):
And so where are you taking this to?

Speaker 3 (20:23):
Man? You better get a piece of this John B. Right, here.

Speaker 2 (20:31):
About to make me have my slow jam voice. Oh yeah,
so l.

Speaker 3 (20:37):
A I can.

Speaker 2 (20:38):
Did not.

Speaker 3 (20:40):
Spend the time with you losing my crazy Yeah, we
got late to night, getting caught him with you my phone.
I got love with you, but I'm have to fall.

Speaker 2 (20:59):
Back a job being smooth man.

Speaker 6 (21:14):
He had it going on real quick. Some people don't
want you to figure out what you're good at because
of how bad it makes them look. Some people don't
want you talking about problems or providing certain solutions because
it will reveal that they are problematic in your life,

(21:37):
they are problematic in other people's lives, or they are
just problematic in terms of how they move their life.
Guilty people are always generous with their truth and they
are always volunteering themselves. You just got to pay attention, Okay.
A person that is guilty of something will always raise
their hands and they will always help. Okay, So pay

(21:58):
attention to other person has always providing some kind of
cautionary tail or playing devil's advocate, or trying to just
critique you and call it constructive criticism, or I'm just
trying to look out for you, because a lot of
times that's a muzzle. Okay, I'm very passive. Fore, so
just pay attention to the source before you decide to

(22:20):
be their audience. Because misery does love company, and some
people are bad.

Speaker 3 (22:27):
For your business, the business of you.

Speaker 2 (22:30):
You are the CEO of your life.

Speaker 6 (22:34):
US Information.

Speaker 3 (22:35):
Hey, Isaiah Friselli on the clip out here cooking. Let
me let me tell you something I need y'all to
understand this. And of course, this is Zoe Williams live
from KBLA Talk fifteen eighty The Voice of Reason seven
to nine pm Pacific Standard time. I'm sitting in here
with the homie Jay Lemont.

Speaker 2 (22:56):
Yes, sir, I'm right here.

Speaker 3 (22:58):
And what's cold about what the brother is saying? Let
me just say, you can't love a person into being
a better person. You can't presence a person into being
a better person. The better person part is all self work.

(23:21):
They have to see you know what I take that
person for granted, you know what, I'm kind of disrespectful,
you know what I compete with my partner. That person
has to see that themselves. And no matter how much presence,
how much love, how much patience, how much pouring whatever

(23:42):
you on, all they're gonna do is continue to siphon
that right, and the fact that you stay there. Can
we just be honest, can we can we pull the
gloves on the fact that you stay there. That means
you are a co creator of a of a reality.

(24:04):
You say you don't want talk to me, Jay Man, Well.

Speaker 2 (24:07):
That goes back to what we were talking about. When
you really see the person, when you see the realness
of who they are, and you tolerated. See, you're part
of the situation. You're part of that situation. Get out
of it. Get out of it. You don't have to
deal with that.

Speaker 3 (24:20):
But sometimes getting out as hard.

Speaker 2 (24:21):
It can't be hard for a lot of folks, you know.

Speaker 3 (24:23):
Clinicians then came up with a new term called trauma bonded.
So I guess if you're trauma bonded, it's easier said
than done walking away.

Speaker 2 (24:33):
Oh yeah, oh yeah. Even in relationships, it's tough because
you know, you think of that person you really love,
knowing that you're having problems. He's like, I got to
leave this person, but I really don't. I know how
I feel about this person, just like you won't. You
can't let yourself let go of that person.

Speaker 3 (24:47):
Now now I'm really an actor.

Speaker 2 (24:49):
Yeah, come on, I want you to go there, unleash it.
Come on, now, do.

Speaker 3 (24:53):
You believe that unconditional love is a lie?

Speaker 2 (24:57):
Man? That's a good on, that's a good and and
for some that's that's hard. That's hard to be to
show that unconditional love. Think about it. I mean, you know,
here's here's what's so interesting about that. I'm about to
go there.

Speaker 3 (25:11):
Come on.

Speaker 2 (25:12):
You know, I'm one of those few people that I'm
a dog lover. Think about a dog. Animals such as
a dog that's always right there by your side no
matter where you go. They show that unconditional love. And
at times I tell myself I wish human beings could
be like that. Think about it. You can step outside
just to get the male come back. That dog is
right there like looking at you like like you've been
gone for twenty years.

Speaker 3 (25:33):
You saying, you're saying the dog pets love us. Yeah,
more than our partners.

Speaker 2 (25:42):
I'm gonna say it. I'm gonna say it. You know, wow,
I'm gonna tell you man. One of my my closest
friend was one of my German shepherds. I used to
have my German shepherd. He was right there by my side.
He was my road dog. And you have to ask himself.
It's not too many people as human beings that act
that way. And we're talking about an animal that can't talk,
but they can relate. They showed the behavior of how

(26:03):
they feel about you. Hey, I'm right here.

Speaker 3 (26:06):
I'm acting surprised, but trust me.

Speaker 2 (26:08):
You know what I'm saying.

Speaker 3 (26:08):
I believe you. No, I'm acting surprised, but I believe you.
The lie of unconditional love when compassion becomes self abandonment.
If you let someone spit on your dignity and call
it patience, you're not enlightened. You're addicted to approval. Let
me pull back, Come on, come on, let me play.

(26:31):
See what's being described here isn't unconditional love. It's attachment.
Wherever there is attachment, there is desire. Yep, DC. Now,
if we're looking at John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth and
an attachment theory, four attachment styles. Three of them are insecure,

(26:56):
born out of your childhood, how your mother connected to you. Right, So,
if we got three insecure attachment styles, the people that
are coming out into relationships have demands, they have expectations, right,
and they're hiding behind the term morals that I have

(27:16):
to do this for me. No, you're doing this for
your unhealed wounds. This is why you're demanding it of
someone else, somebody who has tapped into unconditional love. This
is where a lot of people get confused. I say,
what you're calling unconditional love or love period is really
attachment unconditional love. You how you gonna go to church

(27:39):
and believe in Jesus and God and the Father and
the Holy Ghost and all that. The dang books say
God is love? So if God is love, do you see? So?
Whatever y'all calling it, that, ain't it? Do you see? So?
We live in a society that's basically telling us something

(28:00):
is love, and then when we get disappointed in it,
will say love isn't enough?

Speaker 2 (28:05):
Right right?

Speaker 3 (28:06):
Well, you know you got to pay the bills now,
So which one is love enough? I e? God is
God enough? Talk to me?

Speaker 2 (28:15):
Like when you said attached, See that's not always That's
not always bad because I can you know, you think
about a certain person that like that loves to be
around you. They're attached. I'm attached to this person. It's
something about this person. But why are you attached to me?
Is it really about the love? Of me for me
or is it something that I that you feel that
I can do for you? So that's why you're attached.
So there's a whole lot of ways you could explain

(28:36):
that word.

Speaker 3 (28:37):
I'm attached to yousources.

Speaker 2 (28:39):
Come on, see exactly exactly.

Speaker 3 (28:42):
I'm attached to what you can do.

Speaker 2 (28:46):
I'm attached to your opinion.

Speaker 3 (28:47):
I'm not attached to your being. Yep, oh Lord, because
the moment you fail me, come on now, I'm gonna
act like I never knew you. Lord, And the name
of sweet Baby raised barbecue sauce. When we come forward,
me and jay Lemont, we're gonna keep cooking. We want
to talk to folks. If you want to get on
the line and talk to us. The number of dollars

(29:08):
one eight hundred nine twenty fifteen eighty. When we come forward,
we shall continue.

Speaker 2 (29:13):
Yeah, you know you want some more more.

Speaker 3 (29:17):
It's the voice of reason. When Sooe Williams on KBLA
Talk fifteen eighty. Wait, wait, hold on, hold on hold
the radio, jay le Mont is it here too, now,
hold on hold on now.

Speaker 2 (29:31):
You know Prince, that's my boy right there. Man on Prince.

Speaker 3 (29:34):
Prince was called I can't even from.

Speaker 2 (29:36):
Ever since the very first album for you, Prince often
wet was God, I want to be your lover.

Speaker 3 (29:43):
Real quick versus oh, let me do this real quick.
And it's just Prince songs.

Speaker 2 (29:48):
I miss Prince.

Speaker 3 (29:50):
It's just Prince songs. We're not going to do Prince
versus Michael or anything like that. No sexy dancer, international lover.
Don't to me tell us when I have to come
my wip lo Oh, may I have the stance lofty way?

(30:19):
What station? What station? Friends?

Speaker 6 (30:21):
Fifteen eighty KBL, it's.

Speaker 2 (30:37):
Yeah, it appeals to me.

Speaker 3 (30:40):
Kaby a lady, lady, you concuse the date tonight? Blood?
Is that?

Speaker 2 (30:50):
Are you qualified?

Speaker 3 (30:54):
Tell me? Tell me my okay?

Speaker 2 (31:01):
Wait, oh all right? Where has this song that's the
cut versus.

Speaker 3 (31:08):
The beautiful ones?

Speaker 2 (31:12):
I'm just what you know about that?

Speaker 3 (31:15):
What's it? Goind of beat? Which is I'm just saying
Prince is one of them ones? Now?

Speaker 2 (31:21):
Oh my goodness, No, we're not going on the Purple
Rain soundtrack. I remember when that movie first came out
nineteen eighty four.

Speaker 7 (31:41):
Sous sting up.

Speaker 3 (32:00):
Ladies and gentlemen. You're listening to the vo R with
jay Lemont we in here cutting up it's on fire tonight.

Speaker 2 (32:10):
Don't let me waste my time here, don't let me
wait time.

Speaker 3 (32:17):
When you've been disrespected?

Speaker 2 (32:19):
How do you deal with that?

Speaker 5 (32:20):
So the first I'm gonna do is I'm gonna flip
it back. What have you done to let people think
that they can do that to you? That's the first
thing I'm gonna say. What standards have you created or
what things have you set up to let people think
I don't have to deliver on time, I can be disrespectful,
I can't show up late for work. That's the first
thing I'm gonna say, in.

Speaker 2 (32:37):
Some way that I showed up.

Speaker 3 (32:38):
In the past.

Speaker 5 (32:39):
That's the first thing I'm gonna do. What is there
something I have done to create an environment where a
person thinks that it is okay to do these things?

Speaker 3 (32:47):
That's first?

Speaker 2 (32:47):
Why do you go to I?

Speaker 5 (32:49):
Because I'm the one who sets the tone. I just
interviewed a chief of station, former chief of station, John Francie.
He's former CIA and he managed a lot of people
and a very strong a lot of strong personalities because
you've got officers and all these different people. And he
said to me, you know what I learned, He said,
it is easier to be more have boundaries and be
a little bit more sturdy and more authoritative in the beginning,

(33:11):
and then pull back and to be everybody's friend and
then try to put those boundaries in place.

Speaker 3 (33:16):
M Wow, nah, that's deep. Let me ask you a
question too deep. Do you think the majority of people
if you know so, you remember Maslow's hierarchy, the bottom
rung of Maslow's hierarchy, it's basically just survive, you know,
the basic needs food, clothes, shelter. Do you feel when

(33:40):
people have those basic needs met in general? Some bean all,
some but not all. Do you feel that most people
will tolerate a disrespectful significant other?

Speaker 2 (33:55):
I know I wouldn't.

Speaker 3 (33:57):
I know you wouldn't.

Speaker 2 (33:58):
I wouldn't.

Speaker 3 (33:59):
But I'm asking do you think most people?

Speaker 2 (34:03):
There are some that will deal with it? And it's
it's kind of a it's kind of you have to
ask yourself why what is the situation? Because I've been there,
I mean, I know I've been there, Like I told
you earlier, you know, and but it's like, why would
you allow that? Why would you allow the disrespect allow
someone to just It's like it's like letting someone take
control of you. Take control of your life and you

(34:25):
just sit back content. Okay, well I'll just deal with it,
just put up with it.

Speaker 3 (34:29):
Are you talking about women who stay with high value men,
because yeah, DC walk right into that one. See.

Speaker 2 (34:39):
Some will, some will, some will yep, yep, huh yep.
Even just average friends who think they can just talk
to you any kind of way, talking down to you. See,
that's one thing I can't I can't deal with someone
who feels the need to talk down to me. You know,
if I don't do it to you, don't do it
to me.

Speaker 3 (34:56):
Yeah, but a lot of people like you just expec
A lot of people know the words to say.

Speaker 2 (35:05):
Yeah, now, just can't distribute it.

Speaker 3 (35:07):
I personally know a little bit about your history. Yeah,
but you're a comedian, you're an entertainer, and in a
lot of ways, you're an entrepreneur. You're self made, you're
making your own deals, doing it right. So you're self sufficient.
A lot of people aren't.

Speaker 2 (35:23):
No, they're not.

Speaker 3 (35:24):
And so if you're not self sufficient and you're not
creating your own reality, living in your purpose, would you
not then be subject to saying, oh, well, this is
the trade off, this is the opportunity cost for being
taken care of.

Speaker 2 (35:40):
Right, right, it has to be you have to be motivated.
There has to be some type of motivation. It's like
you want to do it, you got to have the
no to do it. And that goes back to what
I said earlier. Don't allow anyone to sabotage your success.
Don't allow anyone to take control of you, run you over.

Speaker 3 (35:56):
But see, we got to go back if we're not
going to allow anybody to do it right, to do
that to us, we also got to hold ourselves accountable.
Because we do that to us.

Speaker 2 (36:10):
You have to look at your own guilt as well.
If you do it, admit your guilt.

Speaker 3 (36:15):
Have you ever heard of the Ash conformity experiment.

Speaker 2 (36:19):
I don't think I have.

Speaker 3 (36:21):
It's an interesting experiment in psychology and the reason why
I bring it up right, the Ash experiment is very interesting.
It happened in the fifties and basically there's a couple
of people that are in on it. You know, the
people that are administering the test and a couple of

(36:43):
people in the group of people that are being tested.
And basically what they do is show you two lines
three lines that are not identical. Oh and if the
people who are in on the test, they will say, oh, yeah,

(37:05):
all three lines are identical. And because everybody else doesn't
want to look crazy, because everybody starts to agree, everyone
agrees even though it is clear, it is plain that look,
two lines are the same size and one line is shorter.
But when people start agreeing, that's why it's called the conformity.

(37:29):
The masses conform. So if we live Christian Amurty, I
talk about Christiana Murty all the time. Jay, Christian Murty,
what does he say? It is no measure of health
to be fully integrated, well adjusted into a toxic society.
So if society is toxic at large, whatever is happening,

(37:50):
that's toxic in those relationships. A lot of times we
normalize it. Stay there, don't go nowhere. When we come
forward the voice of reason go kick hey. Listen, man, listen,
you gotta stop gas lighting yourself in the name of grace. Yes,
we're supposed to extend grace to our partner, but not

(38:14):
at the opportunity cost of our self, respect of our integrity,
right of who we are. Every time you say it's
fine while your stomach is in knots, you are your
own abuser. Now you're abusing yourself at this point.

Speaker 2 (38:35):
You're dealing with it.

Speaker 3 (38:36):
And listen, I'm not talking about resilience. I'm talking about
if you're passing up moments right that are consistently reoccurring,
and you're passing them up in the name of grace
or I'm a whole space, maybe they'll maybe they'll see
the error of their ways at some time, at some point.

(38:58):
Here's the point. If you're in a relationship, I think
by default we're now accountability partners. Your thought.

Speaker 2 (39:05):
Man, that's it's so deep, because I mean, that's how
it is in the relationships. You know, you know what's
so strange, what's so crazy. It's funny when people find
out that I've never been married. Never have I been married. Really,
I've been in many relationships, but I've never been married.
And know people say, well, why why come up? What's
wrong with you? I always hear that.

Speaker 3 (39:24):
Question, what's wrong with you? You?

Speaker 2 (39:26):
Yeah, what's wrong? I said, well, I don't think there's
anything wrong with me just because I'm not married. It's
just that, you know, sometimes you think yourself, did I
find the right person? Did I meet the right one?
That I know that I can go home to that,
I can take home to meet my parents and my
family and stuff like that. But just like that, that
that that was explained, you know, dealing with situations like that,
I mean, yeah, you have to take control of the narrative.
You have to take control of the situation, you know,

(39:48):
or at least stand up, Yeah, say something, you know,
let's compromise, Let's make it. Let's have a compromise, let's
work this.

Speaker 3 (39:54):
Out right now. I had a friend he passed a
couple of years ago. I mentioned him often, Doctor David R. No,
Doctor Mark Gulston. Mark Gulston was great, he said as
a significant other, he said, you should be able to
stand by me in a crisis, right, stand with me

(40:20):
in a fight, and stand up to me behind closed doors.
That's where it is, right And I think that's what
the clip was saying. That was a diary of CEO.
I think that is what he was trying to explain.
Sometimes there is a high cost for being the understanding

(40:45):
one or the overly understanding one. How do you broach that, Like,
how do you even pull your partner to the side
and say this is for your own good. I gotta
say this to you before you walk out into the world,
talk to me.

Speaker 2 (41:00):
It's a matter of understanding each other. It's a matter
of understanding, as I said, compromise. You know, if you
care so much for me and you love me, I
need to know that you have my back, that you
have my well being, just as I do for you.
You know, I've dealt with that in the relationship at
one time. It's like when you're just sitting in the
corner quiet, it's almost as if you don't really you
don't have my protection, you don't understand what I'm dealing with.

(41:22):
I'm listening to you, so listen to my situation, and
then we can go from there and discuss it, work
it out. You know, that's where the love and the
trust and understanding has to come in. But see, not everybody,
but everybody's not gonna do that.

Speaker 3 (41:32):
I know that's what. Yeah, exactly, they're not gonna do it.
But not everything. See, you have a gift.

Speaker 2 (41:38):
Well I appreciate that coming from you. I appreciate it.

Speaker 3 (41:40):
No, seriously, you could sing to your woman. You remember
that Eddie Murphy clip when he said sang yeah, yeah,
that's it. All you gotta do is if you start singing.
I'm sure she'll be more palatable.

Speaker 2 (41:55):
You know what's funny about that?

Speaker 3 (41:56):
Though?

Speaker 2 (41:56):
There was a young young sister that I went to
school with I love. Her name is Sonya I love
to death. The other day we were on the phone
call that she said, I remember we used to sing
to me when we were in school with Jay, and
so I started singing something to her and she said, okay,
now all right, now, see you're gonna make want to
do something, you see, yeah, laughing and yeah, but but yeah,
I mean I kind of you know, people have said

(42:16):
to me, you know what, You've had that advantage, Jay,
you can just sing to them. Of course. Now I've
had some who say, would you shut up with all
of that?

Speaker 3 (42:22):
I'm tired of it.

Speaker 2 (42:22):
Oh yeah, I've had that too. I'm like, why am I?
Why do you want me to shut up? And just
I don't want to hear that now. I don't want
to hear that now really. But but but overall those
that I did, you know, when I did get a
chance to serenade them and sing to them, Oh, it
did something to them.

Speaker 3 (42:37):
Now do you leave messy or do you leave clean?

Speaker 2 (42:40):
I try not to leave MESSI let me I'm gonna
answer that way. I try not to leave me.

Speaker 3 (42:45):
Miss wait a minute, because you can.

Speaker 2 (42:47):
Be real upset about that situation, that relationship. Oh well,
you know we've all done it. Oh I can't stand up.
But I love her, you know. I don't know how
should I How should I end this? You know? But
I don't want to do that. No, I never want
to do that.

Speaker 3 (42:57):
Three point thirteen What is that vation? Three thirteen vation apparel?
On my TikTok they're saying you can't fix selfishness.

Speaker 2 (43:11):
Hm hmmm, you can't fix anybody if that Yeah, if
that's the case, I was just gonna say, if that's
the case, yeah, you cannot fix anything or anybody.

Speaker 3 (43:22):
Oh it's elevation. Well, because there is, there's no e
you got three thirteen vation apparel.

Speaker 2 (43:29):
I know a selfish I know a selfish person when
I see one. I mean I see it out there.
You can see the selfishness in some people. They're spoiled.

Speaker 3 (43:38):
But do you just walk away when you notice it?

Speaker 2 (43:41):
There are times I have why is it so difficult?

Speaker 3 (43:44):
We we we really like people that are toxic?

Speaker 2 (43:47):
I think, yeah, yeah, because if I have to deal
with someone that's so selfish, which I have it, you know,
it can it just it just messes with your train
to thought. It can mess with your psyche. You know.
It's like, I don't know if I want to deal
with this person, male or female. I can't deal with
this person.

Speaker 3 (43:59):
You know what? You will second guess yourself. Yeah, because
you'll sit and you'll go, wow, it's this beautiful woman,
she's she's cool. I've been there, everything is right, yeah,
but I'm not connected.

Speaker 2 (44:10):
Yeah.

Speaker 3 (44:11):
And then there's this unavailable, toxic, mean woman. Yeah, oh,
let me go run after her.

Speaker 2 (44:17):
Why do we do that? I have seen my share
of Craig Cray. I know that's a whole other conversation. Yeah,
I have seen some Cray Cray. Yeah. They say it
says they say it's us, but I see it in
the women too.

Speaker 3 (44:29):
Can you name three aspects of your character that you
could say, Wow, that's me disrespecting myself. Mmmm. Yeah, that's
a good one right there, Especially in relationship, that's a
good one. Yeah, as it pertains the relationship, right right.
Can you like do a little self reflection and go, wow,
I disrespected myself here? Yeah here here.

Speaker 2 (44:53):
That's hard, man, that's hard. And you know something my
mother told me one time. She's she's always tell me.
She said, I know you've always seen the times of
me and your dad because I remember times they would
always go at each other about this and that they'd
get into a spat about this, fight about this or whatever.
And she said one thing that her mom, my grandmother
told her. You know, whatever situations you go through in
life and your relationships, there's a way to work it out.

(45:13):
Because the last thing you want to do is go
to bed angry. And you know that's when you make up,
you make up and everything.

Speaker 3 (45:19):
And like you know, so she you know a lot
of those makeups were fake up.

Speaker 2 (45:24):
It can't be that is true. I'm laughing, be about
to laugh because that's that's deep right there.

Speaker 3 (45:29):
A lot of those makeups was fake. Makeups were a fake.
That's all it was.

Speaker 2 (45:36):
It didn't mean.

Speaker 3 (45:37):
Nothing, even though it fell good.

Speaker 2 (45:39):
Let's go away.

Speaker 3 (45:41):
Oh yeah, you know I love it.

Speaker 2 (45:46):
No, seriously, no, I feel you on that.

Speaker 3 (45:49):
You know, our parents back in the day were kind
of toxic m because really the family was all they
really had. So we got a hold on this no
matter how toxic we are. That's even if we got
to sleep in two separate bedrooms on those singles.

Speaker 2 (46:03):
I've seen it with my parents. I've seen it, That's
what I'm saying.

Speaker 3 (46:07):
So a lot of times they were toxic and they
just lived through the toxicity and didn't really address it,
didn't heal it, didn't work on it. Right, So maybe
you know, going like, we can't go to bed, you know, angry.
I think we have to recontextualize that. I think exactly, yes,
we can go to bed angry, but let's try to

(46:28):
work on some things, you know, in our separate little corners,
and then reconvene and try to heal that later on.

Speaker 2 (46:34):
But think about this though, those when you say those
who do go to bed angry, nine times out of ten,
they're going to have their backs facing each other. Yeah,
good night, good night. Yeah, So that's what that's what
go to bed angry means.

Speaker 3 (46:45):
Yeah. But disappointment is human, Yeah, disrespect is spiritual theft.

Speaker 2 (46:53):
Right, that's the worst feeling right there.

Speaker 3 (46:55):
Disappointment bruises your hopes, but disrespect robs your worth, especially
if it's coming from a person that you thought right right,
you know, respected you. Now, my question now is are
we too hard on disrespect? Do you get one strike
or three strikes to disrespect?

Speaker 2 (47:18):
I have to give them. I want to say one strike,
you know, because you know, I know I've had my
share of situations too. But it's like, Okay, I'm gonna
let you. I'm gonna let you have that one. But
the next time, that's it, you out, you out. That's
when I'm blow the whistle. You out, blow the whistle,
blow whistle, blow to whistle. Come on that.

Speaker 3 (47:38):
So you're telling me, Okay, well, that's because you've been
through a lot.

Speaker 2 (47:43):
I've been I've been disrespected. Man, you'd be surprised. I
could write a book about the situations I've been in.

Speaker 3 (47:47):
Do you think we judge the new people based off
of what happened with the old folk, and we'll say, oh,
this is just lessons I've learned. I learned, you know,
people are disrespectful, blahah blah blah. But then we kind
of we kind of mislabeled the new people if they
even think to appear like.

Speaker 2 (48:09):
The I don't think we have to, because everybody's gonna
do their own situation. They're going to handle the situation
the way they do in their own relationship. Whatever I
might have dealt with in my relationship is what I
dealt with. But that doesn't mean that they're gonna do it.
They're gonna do it in a different manner. Now, all
I can do is just say, hey, this is what
you should do or whatever. Just as my mother said
at the time. You know, whoever you decide to get

(48:29):
with in life, son, she said, just pattern from our mistakes.
Pattern from our mistakes. She says, I don't want you
to go through what we went through or whatever. And
she said, all the little stuff that you've seen me
and your dad go at it, I don't. I hope
you never have to do that with your wife or
whoever you get with.

Speaker 3 (48:43):
You know. Was Yeah, that's that's wise advice because children
model the environment they were raised.

Speaker 2 (48:56):
And some of the women I will tell you this,
being in the business that I'm in, my mother could
tell I think for her, you know, as most mothers,
they can see through certain people. She could see through
some of the females that I was dating at the time,
and she would always wonder, why, Okay, do they really
like you for who you are, like we were talking
about earlier, or what what what is the situation of
them being with you, and she said, I always say,
don't let them take advantage of you. Don't like, don't

(49:16):
let them try to treat you some kind of way,
because they may be out for something. You know, so
I've seen it all.

Speaker 3 (49:24):
Pray for me.

Speaker 2 (49:24):
That's right, we need a praise.

Speaker 3 (49:28):
No, I'm just wondering. Yeah, okay, celebrity comedian. Of course
people are going to come after you.

Speaker 2 (49:35):
For But what about you? Though you deal you've had
your share. I'm sure you've got stories to tell. I
like the way it wasn't it wonderful? But I feel
what you're saying.

Speaker 3 (49:48):
There are some core qualities in your character that women enjoy, right, Yeah,
I would think so clearly your sense of humor keep going.

Speaker 2 (49:57):
I try to make him laugh. I try to sing
to them one I can. I try to. You know,
I feel like I'm a romantic person because I think
that's the one thing I feel most people feel that
that's missing some of the women that I've spoken to,
even by women friends, that's one of the things they
desire more in a relationship is romance. Romance, affection. You know.
I can remember time there was a young lady that
I had dated one time who at times I wanted

(50:18):
to hold hands. You know, I was that type of
guy that I'm gonna grab your hand, hold your hand
or whatever. She kind of would flip her hand away.
She didn't like all of that. She wasn't used to
that was this in public, not so much in public.
It was between us and I will I'll put it
this way. We might have been at an event where
we were at the movies. You know, it's a little dark.
I wanted to hold her hand or whatever. Obviously she didn't,
you know, and that kind of I kind of, you know,

(50:38):
I was like, Okay, what's going on here now? Now
flip it to another young lady I was with. That's
what she wanted. She wanted to be cuddled, she wanted
to be held. Let's hold hands, you know. But then
you have those who weren't used to that. Maybe maybe
that's something that they dealt with in their you know,
in growing up or whatever. They didn't like holding hands.
I don't touch me like that. Don't do this.

Speaker 3 (50:56):
This all sounds like attachment theory to me. Yeah, you
have some Hey, I need distance. Yeah, I have seen that,
you know, PDA, maybe a little too much. If we
lay together and do something or whatever. You know, So okay,
you lay over that, go sit over there. I don't,
I don't, don't. Don't be too close to me, you
know really? Oh my god, I may have to write
a movie script about that. You should?

Speaker 2 (51:16):
I should should.

Speaker 3 (51:17):
Ladies and gentlemen, you're listening to the j Lemon.

Speaker 2 (51:22):
See how he's segued right into the break, going, Hey.

Speaker 3 (51:24):
Jay Lemont's up in here acting a complete fool. The
voice of reason is a fine tonight, kb l A
Talk fifteen eighty. When we come forward more from Zoe and.

Speaker 8 (51:34):
J Why do we so often feel disappointed in those
we love the most? That quiet ache inside, a feeling
of not being heard, seen, or met, seems to grow
louder the closer we become. According to Judu Christian Morty,
frustration and relationships is not boring out the other person's
flaws or actions, but from within our own minds, an

(51:54):
inner conflict between what is and what we wanted to be.
We create an image of the perfect relationlationship, shaped by
past wounds, childhood hopes, and social ideas, and then when
the real person does not live up to that image,
the storm begins, not out there but inside. We often
don't see the person in front of us as they are. Instead,

(52:15):
we see them to the fog of our expectations of
who they were yesterday or who we wish they would
become tomorrow. This mismatch between reality and our imagined version
breeds restlessness, disappointment, and a subtle sense of distance, even
in moments of physical closeness. Christian Morty points to this
as a rule of frustration. Our clinging to images, our
resistance to change, our desire controlled the emotional outcome. We

(52:40):
look for security, permanence, and constant happiness in a space
where everything is moving, shifting, and alive. When the relationship
no longer gives us the pleasure or certainty it once did,
we tighten our grip, which only pushes the other way.
This grasping is not love. It is fear disguised as longing.
But in the quiet space of honor, observation, without judgment

(53:01):
or demand, something beautiful happens. When we watch our frustration
without naming it, without trying to fix it or blame anyone,
we begin to see its root, and in that deep
seeing it.

Speaker 2 (53:12):
Starts to dissolve.

Speaker 8 (53:14):
In this freedom, true love can finally breathe fresh present
and unchained from the past.

Speaker 3 (53:22):
Hm Ay, listen, I love Kristiana Murty's work man. And
you know, yes, the technical way of saying it is morety.
That is yes, that is the Hindu way, Krishna morete.
But I like Krishna Murty, Krishna Murty because we call

(53:44):
him Uncle Hurty, the uncle that will hurt you with
the truth. But the technical pronunciation is morety hilarious.

Speaker 2 (53:55):
True.

Speaker 3 (53:56):
But that clip was explaining something quite profound when you
are in a relationship with a fragmented human being hmm,
internally broken. This is why I was trying to frame
earlier in the conversation. This is where our expectations and
desires are coming from. I'm telling people all the time.

(54:20):
Love is a game you don't even know the rules to.
It's a game that doesn't have any rules, but attachment,
that's where all the rules are. Because you're in constant
survival mode and you're trying to procure whatever internal resources
you think will heal that wound. And that's not how

(54:42):
relationships work. So saying no to a fragmented person or
two fragmented people trying to establish a boundary is damn
near impossible. We have to elevate saying no to a
sacred space so that our partner can understand, like, oh,

(55:04):
this means something to you. This is a boundary that
has significance in your life. Is if I love you,
I have to respect the boundaries you have for you.
Do you see? So no is not rejection. It's the
birth cry of integrity, the sacred Know how refusal becomes

(55:29):
self respect. Now what happens with most folks? You know this, Jay,
Most folks will hear that and weaponize it without healing.
I've given them the language, so I go, oh, it's
sacred now, just like oh, it's my truth. No, no, no,
hold on, hold on, Pam, you gotta heal first. You

(55:53):
gotta get into that healing process. Because healing looks like
no effort. Let me stop hold on, no effort meaning
meaning I don't have to try to love you. You
feel it. It's emanating from me. I don't have to perform,
I don't have to tap dance. I'm vibrating at a

(56:16):
level that you can perceive, like the doing is in
the brokenness, the being is in the wholeness. Wholeness is
where we get our word heal. Healing actually means, come on, DC.

Speaker 2 (56:32):
You have to go at your own pace.

Speaker 3 (56:34):
So this is what I need you to do for me.
I need you to sing in R Kelly's voice. Can
you do R Kelly? But you gotta sing the song
telling her.

Speaker 2 (56:49):
No, I hear you calling here. I come baby to
say no, no matter what you telling me, I refuse.

Speaker 3 (57:05):
News.

Speaker 2 (57:06):
But now that you come around and trying to bother me,
you know that I said no and you no no want.

Speaker 3 (57:15):
Me to say yes.

Speaker 2 (57:16):
It's unbelievable how you're always trying to make me.

Speaker 3 (57:22):
Can you just hear me call and.

Speaker 2 (57:24):
Call and saying to you no, no, no, no, no no.

Speaker 3 (57:29):
Stevie wonder.

Speaker 2 (57:36):
Looking back on when I when I told you not
to bother me. Okay, listen at you.

Speaker 3 (57:47):
Hey hey, Jay Leman is in the building. Hey Jay,
where are you performing next? You're going somewhere tomorrow.

Speaker 2 (57:53):
I'm going to Phoenix, Arizona tomorrow night, doing a special
event because I love man. If you have been to Phoenix, man,
it's a beautiful city. About that's probably twenty Grease Warmer.
There's still hot there. Can you believe it? It's like
ninety almost there. But yeah, I'm going to Phoenix, and
then I'm going to be performing at the us CAN
I mention the name of the place. I'm gonna be here,
of course, back in La this Saturday in Commerce in
the City of Commerce stephen Steakhouse a special Thanksgiving holiday event.

(58:16):
It's gonna be an assortment of different comedians performing along myself.
And then I will be at the Stand Up Comedy
Club in Bellflower with my good friend comedian Larry la
La for his special Christmas shows. That's going to be
happening December thirteenth. So I've got a lot of other
shows coming up. I'll be in Palm Springs coming up soon.
I'll be up in the Bay Area, Oakland, California. So
I've got a lot of things going on. They can

(58:37):
go to my social media to get all the dates. Facebook, Twitter, Instagram,
fan base, Jamming Jay Lamont, I love it.

Speaker 3 (58:42):
I love it when we come forward, come so in,
Jay Gon Keith guck it.

Speaker 2 (58:46):
We'll be right back.

Speaker 9 (58:48):
Caprice and disorder, and I want to try and explain
what that is. I mean, wouldn't it be great if
we could live absolutely on the spur of the moment,
not make any particular plans, not feel that well you
might make plans, because you can make plans spontaneously.

Speaker 5 (59:09):
But.

Speaker 9 (59:11):
Not to worry about whether you had made the right decision,
whether you're being good or bad, selfish or unselfish, and
not to hesitate in anything you see in One of
the great applications of zen was to the art of fencing.

Speaker 3 (59:27):
And when.

Speaker 9 (59:29):
You learn fencing, you see you have to learn to
be spontaneous, because here, of all places, it is true
that he who hesitates is lost. If you're engaged in combat,
you see, and you stop to think what sort of
a defense or attack you ought to make. The enemy's
got you. So the way they teach people spontaneity and

(59:52):
fencing is very interesting. When you start in to fencing school,
you of course live with the teacher. He has a
kind of ash run, but you're given a janitorial job.
You clean up, you wash dishes, you put bedding away,
and things like that. While you're going about your daily business,

(01:00:12):
the master surprises you with a practice sword, which is
made of four strips of bamboo rather loosely tied together,
and he hits you with this surprisingly and suddenly from nowhere,
and you are expected to defend yourself with anything available

(01:00:33):
with the bedding, with the broom, with the pots and pans,
just anything defend. But the worst student never knows when
the attack is coming or what direction it's coming from.
And he begins to get tense, and he begins to
go around everywhere on the sort of alert, watching which
direction is coming from. And as he goes down a

(01:00:55):
certain passage, feeling that the master is probably lurking around
that corner, and he's all set to go for him
with that, he gets that practice thought, he suddenly gets
hit from behind. So eventually he gives up. There's absolutely
no way of preparing for the attack, and so he
just wanders around and feeling, well, if it hits, it's
going to hit. And then he is ready to begin fencing.

(01:01:22):
Because if you prepare for an attack from a specific
direction and it comes from some other direction, you have
to withdraw from the direction in which you had expected
it and sends your energy in another direction, and that
takes time. So what you do is you go around
with a mind of no expectation. That is called mushin

(01:01:46):
or munnen. This is a very important Zen expression. It
all most means an empty mind.

Speaker 3 (01:01:54):
You could also nah nadang gonna work and relate. Wow,
right right, No, but the way the way we're conditioned,
that's not going to work there, right because people people,
people don't like that.

Speaker 2 (01:02:06):
No, no, do you see in a way, but it
But what he's.

Speaker 3 (01:02:11):
Talking about is actually true. This is the kind of
mind you need in order to tap into what we
call love.

Speaker 2 (01:02:24):
Yeah, but the question is are they going to do it?
Are people going to do that type of situation? They
will not.

Speaker 3 (01:02:30):
No, they will not no, because their wounds are in control.

Speaker 2 (01:02:33):
Yeah.

Speaker 3 (01:02:34):
See that's where all of the expectation is coming from.
We just did a show yep. Maybe I think it
was last week. We did a show last week and
we were talking about the love languages. Yeah, love languages
versus less languages. Right yep. And great sister who has

(01:02:56):
a show here on kb LA Talk fifteen eighty doctor
Joshana Johnson. She came on this show a year ago
and we're going to gotta have her back. But she
came on this show and she says something that just
broke my mind. She said, I believe that the love
languages come from the insecure attachment styles.

Speaker 2 (01:03:18):
Why, yeah, I need gifts.

Speaker 3 (01:03:20):
Maybe you didn't get them when you were a child.
I need to be touched.

Speaker 2 (01:03:23):
That's deep.

Speaker 3 (01:03:24):
Maybe you didn't get you know, that affection with you know,
so you get what I'm saying. Yeah, And I'm listening
to Alan Watts here basically say you have to have
a clear mind, clear of the past, clear of what
you modeled in childhood. And this is why people would
rather say love is not enough instead of saying I

(01:03:48):
don't have enough resources to cultivate it within myself because
I've merged with the wound. Does that make sense?

Speaker 2 (01:03:56):
Yeah, oh yeah, most definitely your thoughts, most definitely. It's
it's it's one thing to say it. It's easy to
say it, but you know, can it be done? Some people,
you know, no matter what they might have dealt with
throughout their livelihood of grown up and stuff, it's tough.
It's hard, you know. It's like saying, you know, just
let it go. It's hard to let certain things go.
It's hard to let things slide by. But why you
know it will exactly exactly. It's it's you know, your

(01:04:21):
mind won't let it, You won't allow it to go.
You won't allow it.

Speaker 3 (01:04:25):
Yes, Because if you sit with a clinician and you
talk to them for a while and say oh you're
you're fearful avoidant, or you're dismissive avoidant, or you're anxious preoccupied.
You might think that that's a death sentence.

Speaker 2 (01:04:39):
And I'm talking to myself too, because I've been there
as well. I'm guilty of that. Because you have to
learn just let go. You know, as old as you get,
as old as we all get, you gotta let things
go because you're not gonna do nothing but just you're
gonna destroy yourself.

Speaker 3 (01:04:51):
But how to do it? Yeah, that's why I was
making a point about the insecure attachment styles. If they
tell you what you are, that's not a badge of
honor that you go get a tattoo and say, oh,
I'm a scorpio and dismissive avoidant. No, what you do
is you go, oh, I'm a dismissive avoidant. This is
how I show up in relationship. Right, learn this in childhood.

(01:05:13):
Now I can rewrite that narrative. I don't have to
stay right, I'll deal with that. You can. You can
grow out of being whatever insecure attachment.

Speaker 2 (01:05:23):
You are, exactly and exactly there's.

Speaker 3 (01:05:26):
A secure attachment that can also lose its footing and
get pulled insecure by insecurely attached people.

Speaker 2 (01:05:34):
Come on, do you see very deep when when.

Speaker 3 (01:05:38):
Forgiveness turns into self gaslighting? Forgiveness without accountability is just
spiritual denial oftentimes because we quote unquote want to hold
and maintain a safe space, we're handing out forgiveness, but
we still don't realize that we're increased seeing the inflation

(01:06:02):
in the relationship by flooding the relationship market with forgiveness.
Forgiveness should be rare, well, I shouldn't have to pull
that out, right, and then when I pull it out,
you know the street rule. If you pull out a gun, yep,
you better use it. That's the street rule, right. If
you pull out forgiveness, yep, it better count right, right,

(01:06:26):
So it shouldn't be thrown around all. Yeah, you're forgiven.
It's all good. But a lot of times people do
that just to maintain the peace. Oh, because they're in
the relationship for different reasons.

Speaker 2 (01:06:37):
And may and may not want to forgive. And even
that right there, for some people is hard. It's hard
to forgive. You think about certain people that have done
things to you, how you were treated a certain way,
how you were done. I'm so sorry, man, can you
forgive me? Can you forgive me? It may be easy
for them to say, yeah, I forgive you, I'll let
it go, But then maybe, deep down the side, I'm
still bothered about what you did or what you might
have done to me. That kind of thing. I think

(01:06:58):
we've all dealt with that.

Speaker 3 (01:06:59):
Yeah, what about the pornography of positivity? We musa say
that again, the poornography of positivity? Why fake peace keeps
us sick?

Speaker 4 (01:07:11):
Oh?

Speaker 1 (01:07:13):
Right?

Speaker 3 (01:07:13):
You can't heal in a room that demands you smile
while you're bleeding internally, man, look at you? So what
about it? There's some toxic positivity that's in our relationships, right, yeah,
all under the god listen, this is the new fancy buzzword.
Let's make a safe space and let's keep the peace

(01:07:36):
and hold space.

Speaker 2 (01:07:37):
People don't know how to hold anybody keeping no peace. Again,
it's easy to say it. It's easy to say certain things, Hey,
let's do this, we should do this, or whatever is
it going to be done? The people that you're around,
are they going to act on that?

Speaker 6 (01:07:53):
You know?

Speaker 2 (01:07:55):
That's where motivation kicks in, and you have to be
motivated to do better to correct yourself to correct the
wrong you know, so you went there, you went there
with how they going to.

Speaker 3 (01:08:05):
Be motivated if they don't even see their blind spots,
they're not looking at themselves. I often tell people when
you're first getting into a relationship, don't look at how
the person shows up. H you got two eyes, keep
one of them on you. Yeah, how are you gonna
show up?

Speaker 2 (01:08:22):
Right?

Speaker 3 (01:08:22):
Right? Are you still manipulative? Are you still in survival
mode and.

Speaker 2 (01:08:28):
You can't distinguish everything to the next person you get
with based upon the last person you were with? Oh, okay,
I'm not that last person you were with.

Speaker 3 (01:08:36):
You know.

Speaker 2 (01:08:36):
I had to deal with that one time with a
young lady I was dating. You know, it was always
a situation of, well, you know, the last guy was
with the songs and I'm I'm almost to the point
where I had to ask her, I said, why, why
is everything about the last person you were with? I'm
I'm not that person.

Speaker 3 (01:08:48):
I'm not him.

Speaker 2 (01:08:49):
I'm not him, I'm not him. That's like we're telling her.
I told her, I can't distinguish you with the other
women I've been with. I know you're not them. You know,
That's why I'm not with them anymore.

Speaker 3 (01:09:00):
But I tell you what is the same.

Speaker 2 (01:09:03):
That behavior, because they still may remain being that way.

Speaker 3 (01:09:09):
What I'm saying is, when you don't heal, oh yeah,
of course, you can get a new person, but that
behavior might be the same.

Speaker 2 (01:09:17):
That person still be the way they are.

Speaker 3 (01:09:19):
See. I always tell people you attract what you are
and you can keep restarting. M M you okay, okay,
I recognize now you're a problem. Get out of here, right,
I'm gonna start over and get somebody else, and then
they behave the same way.

Speaker 2 (01:09:35):
Oh yeah, of course.

Speaker 3 (01:09:36):
See, when you don't heal, when you're a fragment, you're
destined to date reenactments.

Speaker 2 (01:09:45):
You may wind up having to be with someone that
acts the same way that you act. Come on, be
the same type, and then somebody will say, you know
what they were meant for each other? You can tell
you can just see how they act.

Speaker 3 (01:09:56):
Listen, hold tight, me and hey, me and my boy,
we've been on fire. Hold on when we come forward,
more heat from me and Jay.

Speaker 10 (01:10:08):
You know, we want this perfect spouse or this perfect
politician or this perfect minister or the perfect whatever. And
it's like, I don't know that human if that exists interesting,
and yet we put people, we expect human beings innocently
not to be human. And I think like, there's there's
there's something there. And so think of when you ask

(01:10:31):
me how it's recognizing if if somebody's treating me, you
know whatever, they're having a poor day or they're saying whatever.
If if you have acceptance, acceptance that we're all human,
acceptance that we all began. I look at our daughter
and I see her uh innocence, and you know, you
think of think of the cruelest individual that you could

(01:10:53):
possibly imagine. They started out as an infant in that
innocence and that awe and that wonder, and so that
makes me wonder in a different way. Speaking of wonder,
you know, we want this perfect spouse or this perfect politician.

Speaker 3 (01:11:09):
That was Tony Robbins's wife, Sage, and she was dropping
some jewels that name. Yeah, we don't really want a
perfect spouse. We want a consistent source.

Speaker 2 (01:11:24):
Hmmm, that is that's it.

Speaker 3 (01:11:27):
You remind me of my mama. Keep keep keep the
chair of biscuits.

Speaker 2 (01:11:32):
Ye, keep them coming. We've all heard that.

Speaker 3 (01:11:34):
Yeah, right, you remind me you get what I'm saying.

Speaker 2 (01:11:36):
Yeah, yeah, oh, you remind me of my father, right,
because you can't expect them all to be perfect, even
though you say you want a perfect.

Speaker 3 (01:11:44):
No, they want a pipeline, not perfection. Pipeline give me
what I didn't get because, like I said, through the
lens of attachment theory, yep, right through that lens, people
who were born in insecure environments learned how to manipulate
to get what they want, and they carry it into

(01:12:07):
adult relationships.

Speaker 9 (01:12:09):
Man.

Speaker 3 (01:12:10):
Yeah, so that's why I said, listen, you're a human being.
You're gonna disappoint me, and I gotta make space and
offer grace for when that happens.

Speaker 2 (01:12:21):
Mistakes will be made, yes, no matter what it is,
you're gonna do something.

Speaker 3 (01:12:25):
But the same is not true for disrespect.

Speaker 2 (01:12:27):
Right right? Oh, no, doubt that stings right that that
disrespect is like a stinger.

Speaker 3 (01:12:34):
How how does honesty and I mean radical honesty hold
up in intimate relationships? Because I'm we say what we
need to say to make sure everything is okay. But
how does radical honesty tell the truth, vomit the poison
and clean the wound before it becomes your personality? That

(01:12:58):
kind of truth? How often do we do that?

Speaker 2 (01:13:00):
It's one thing to be honest. But the thing about
it being honest is that whatever it is you're going
to say, even though it may be true, it could
cause a problem.

Speaker 3 (01:13:07):
Is keeping the peace? Being in love?

Speaker 2 (01:13:10):
Why would you think like that? Why would you say
that to me?

Speaker 3 (01:13:12):
Why you know?

Speaker 2 (01:13:13):
What do you mean by that?

Speaker 3 (01:13:14):
You know?

Speaker 2 (01:13:15):
See, it's it's all. It's all forms of being honest.
But it could be something honestly that maybe I shouldn't
say this, but I'm just being honest. See I have
to say, I have to say it, but I'm being honest.
You may not like what I said, you.

Speaker 3 (01:13:30):
Know, Listen, you could tell the truth so long as
the tone and the delivery is.

Speaker 2 (01:13:34):
Correct how you say it.

Speaker 3 (01:13:35):
Yeah, yeah, But even if you get the tone in
the delivery right, a wound that has no ears.

Speaker 2 (01:13:41):
Right right, the tone can do a lot in person.
Psyche No, I love it, brother, indeed, I love it.

Speaker 3 (01:13:49):
I love it. I love it. Hey tell them where
they can find you, man, tell them where they can
find you.

Speaker 2 (01:13:53):
Follow me on all social media jamming, Jay Lamont, Facebook, Twitter, Instagram,
fan base, all of the above. A lot of folks
were saying, man, get on TikTok okay, I'm gonna get
on TikTok. I'm gonna get on TikTok. Yes, indeed, Jam
and Jayla, But I also can I let them know
to I want to let you know too, Zo, I
have my I have music out. People don't know that
I'm a vocalist.

Speaker 3 (01:14:10):
Go get your music.

Speaker 2 (01:14:10):
I'm a professional singer. They can go to SoundCloud, iTunes, Spotify,
all music platforms. Just type in my name, jay Ja
y Lamont. And my latest song is called Celebrate, which
went up to number twelve on the R and B
charts in the UK. Come on song, So I'm doing
that as well. And I've got a couple of things
I'm working on. Got I'm working on something unique. So
just stay tuned, don't.

Speaker 3 (01:14:30):
Worry about it. Bro, we'll bring you back and have
you active.

Speaker 2 (01:14:33):
And shout out to Zoe Man, thank you for having
me on the show. Man. You didn't have to bring
me up here. Shout out to KBLA, shout out to
Tavis Smiley Man. I love that brother as well.

Speaker 3 (01:14:41):
Yes, yes, yes, yes yes, And don't forget tune in
to Dominique the Prima Show in the eight o'clock hour
tomorrow because Tavis is going to discuss. I got to
hear his conversation with Pedro. We've been calling him out
all week long, man, and he responded to Tavis, so
this is gonna be really good. Appreciate everybody for tapping in.
I'm so Williams the voice of reason. I'll see you

(01:15:03):
tomorrow with another slapper