The Misuse Escrow Clause within Intimate Relationships

An Intimacy Escrow Account functions as a relational treasury that holds emotional capital—empathy, accountability, forgiveness, and grace—in reserve to safeguard the relationship against the volatility of human imperfection.

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
I'ma hold your pretty little hand when I say that's okay,
I get it. Licking your heart away feels safe and
letting it be exposed openly.

Speaker 2 (00:09):
You see.

Speaker 1 (00:09):
You think that if you build the wall tall enough,
the pain won't climb over, the hurt won't find its
way inside.

Speaker 2 (00:15):
But the truth is a heart wrapped.

Speaker 1 (00:17):
In stone won't stretch, It can't pump joy back through
your chest, and the herder it gets, the tougher the outcome,
because anything empty serves nothing and purpose. Baby, people turn
their heart into armor, only to realize armor keeps out
more than the arrows. It keeps out the love, the laughter,
the chance to have something without fear, and they spirit

(00:39):
and every person is not the person who hurts you.
Not everybody's reflection is betrayal. Sometimes the hand and reaching
towards you ain't trying to take nothing. My baby is
just trying to hold you so you don't fall again.
But you wouldn't know that if you keep your hands
clutching your heart so cage, if you treat every knock
at your chest like a threat, you'll miss the moments

(01:01):
that could have carried you when you couldn't even carry yourself.
And pain would teach you caution, But caution can't be
the only teacher, because if all that you learn is
how to guard, you'll graduate into a lonely life with
a degree in the hapsis and a.

Speaker 2 (01:17):
Diploma and regret and love.

Speaker 1 (01:19):
True love, real love will never be found behind closed gates.
Opening up is messy, it's risky, and the chance that
somebody might drop you, but also the chance that somebody
might stay and be the answers to your prayers that
slowly takes the pain and the fear away.

Speaker 2 (01:36):
So yeah, I locked that cage.

Speaker 1 (01:38):
Let the door swing a little wider than your fear says.
It's wise because healing doesn't happen in hiding. It happens
when you choose.

Speaker 2 (01:46):
The risk again.

Speaker 1 (01:47):
Your story ain't finished, my baby, and no matter what's
been broken, you still got chapters left to write with
a pen that only.

Speaker 2 (01:55):
Bleeds when you allow it to.

Speaker 1 (01:57):
So you can love with some fear, but allow here
to be the reason that you don't ever open up
your pretty little heart again. Because you deserved the love
that you prayed for, and you happen to buy an
appointment with the person who was just waiting for you
to just open up a little bit, my baby.

Speaker 3 (02:13):
Now you you be well, Hey man, she sounds like
a warm bowl of cream, a wheat, you understand me,
butter nut man brown sugar. She sounds delicious. That was

(02:36):
Lisa Marie. Love it. I love it. She sounds great
before I get into it what she was talking about,
because she was talking about hurt, and you know how
we deal with her process hurt and identify it. I'm
always thinking ahead. We have another topic that we're going.

Speaker 4 (02:55):
To, uh.

Speaker 3 (02:58):
You know, peel back next week, and I'm a kind
of preview just a bit of it. We live in
a psychologically or I would say, ideologically segregated society, and
I'm speaking to black men and women. When black women

(03:19):
are hurt by black men. A lot of Black women
can't listen to a black man unless he's placating to
her wounds, like he's repeating the lyrics from Mary J.
Blige's catalog or something. They can only hear truth from
a sisterhood, from a sister circle. Right, I'm just listen,

(03:45):
don't shoot the messenger. This is my observation, And as
with all of my observations, I don't come from a
space where I think I'm always right. This is just
what I'm seeing, right, and my experience is a limited,
narrow experience, but I'm seeing enough of it to be concerned,

(04:09):
and I think we need to discuss it, right. I
think it's very important. I'm sorry, but tonight's topic, you
know what I'm saying. Let me let's get into tonight's
topic too, because there's there's this crossroad, this intersection where
they kind of meet. Relationship is part of the human condition,

(04:36):
not women are always victims in relationships or men are
always the villain. Relationships are part of the human condition.
And what has happened is because of this segregated way
of talking about relationships. Girl, you knew he was a doll.

(04:59):
Girl you knew he wasn't nothing. Don't date him, girl,
ain't no good min Do you understand this narrative that
makes the relational experience kind of like by default, women
are great, men are problematic. I'm sorry, We're gonna discuss

(05:21):
it on Monday. I just wanted to preview. But how
it intersects into tonight's topic is crazy. Tonight's topic was
inspired by yesterday's show. You know, my mind is operating
on four different galaxies and universes at the same time.

(05:43):
So I'm listening and being blown away by my sister, Precious, right, Precious, Yeah,
we love Precious man. She came in here and she
cooked with the rarest grease. And as she's talking, I'm

(06:09):
developing tonight's topic. I'm literally she's saying, I'm like, ooh,
what in the world? And so what was very interesting
because you know, about maybe two or three months ago,
we did a conversation or we had an episode where
I talked about how difficult it is to be in

(06:30):
a relationship with a human being. And you've heard us
play clips from Rockquell Hopkins, who is the capacity expert,
the clinician. She is a capacity expert, and she talks
about how capacity is on the decline, and you know,

(06:52):
all of these things and all of these narratives. I
had a soft life and all this stuff, Disney, all
of it, and I thought about it while Precious was talking,
and I came up with the topic we need a
misuse escrow clause with an intimate relationship, a deeper look

(07:18):
at why it's necessary to make space for the misuse, mishandling, misleading. Right,
people don't want to hear this I know, a deeper
look at why it's necessary to make space for the misuse, mishandling, misleading,
or mishandling of each other. Because we're all human beings,

(07:43):
We're gonna do that the intimacy aka mishandling escrow account.
So what in the hell is an escrow account and
how does that work? Here's your definition. An intimacy escrow

(08:05):
account functions as a relational treasury that holds emotional capital, empathy, accountability, forgiveness,
and grace in reserve to safeguard the relationship against the
volatility of human imperfection. Ooh, Like a mortgage escrow account

(08:27):
that protects a property from lapses in taxes or insurance payments,
this emotional escrow protects the partnership from lapses in into
empathy or atonement, or lies or cheating or even disrespect.

(08:54):
I know y'all don't want to hear this. Do you
know how many people I'm sitting with that's constantly say well,
just leave, easier thing to do is leave. Leaving is
not conflict management or resolution. In some cases, it is
if somebody is putting the hands on you, if somebody

(09:17):
is constantly diminishing you to Listen, I'm gonna go even deeper.
Each partner contributes monthly deposits through conscious acts of care,
emotional regulation, and self awareness. Listen to what I'm asking
you to make monthly contributions. This is consciousness. Are y'all listening?

(09:43):
Each partner contributes monthly deposits through conscious acts of care, regulation,
and self awareness. These deposits accumulate interests through consistency and integrity.
When one partner experiences a moment of relational default, hurt, neglect, misunderstanding, mishandling,

(10:08):
the account releases emotional liquidity to cover the temporary deficit.
You don't want to be right with another human being
because you don't see them as human. You see them
as savior. You see them as intimate messiahs. That's gonna
take you away from self work. This is not how

(10:28):
it works. However, the system operates under relational checks and
balances that prevent abuse of grace and ensure that compassion
never substitutes for accountability. Listen. The purpose of the escrow

(10:51):
The Intimacy Escrow account exists to stabilize emotional equity through
predictable deposits of goodwill towards each other. It will provide
liquidity of grace when one partner falters, or when both
partners falter. It can prevent foreclosure of the bond through

(11:18):
cumulative resentment. Oh, we ain't got nothing in our intimacy
escrow account. It can maintain the ethical solvency of love
by linking forgiveness to responsibility. Grace in this context functions

(11:41):
as an insured empathy Listen as insured empathy. It covers
accidents of the heart, not accidents of intentional harm. What
wait hold on? It covers accidents of the heart, not
acts of intentional harm. In other words, you can't intentionally disrespect,

(12:06):
you can't intentionally marginalize, minimize, neglect, You can't intentionally do
anything to harm the bond. But if harm comes right
from you, it must come from your human frailty, right
your human nature. Woo the principle of intention the eligibility clause.

(12:35):
Just as a mortgage lender releases escrow funds only for
legitimate obligations, the intimacy escrow clause releases grace only for
acts born of unintentional hurt, misunderstandings, emotional fatigue, or trauma

(12:56):
conditioned reflexes. What are trauma condition reflexes attachment styles right,
insecure attachment styles right. Maybe maybe the person is neurodivergent,
Maybe the person has ADHD. Maybe maybe the person is

(13:16):
fearful avoidant with an ADHD combination. Maybe they're dismissive avoidant,
you know, with codependency. Do you see?

Speaker 2 (13:27):
Do you see?

Speaker 3 (13:28):
Deliberate harm does not qualify, does not automatically qualify for coverage. However,
a constitutional amendment within this model allows for a probationary
restoration of grace when the partner who caused intentional harm

(13:50):
demonstrates a couple of things, immediate acknowledgment of wrongdoing, genuine
author authentic remorse, validated by consistent inner work, shadow work,
and behavioral change. The tangible piece restitution emotional, communicative or practical.

(14:23):
Repeated intentional harm without repair triggers account suspension until both
partners engage in formal repair practices if they so choose,
and that could be counseling, meditation, or structured dialogue. Are

(14:44):
you listening to this? An escrow account and an emotional
empathetic forgiveness based escrow account for the relationship. Why haven't
they taught this? See we deal with the problem when
it pop up. We have no reserves. We're running on

(15:05):
fumes because we're running from ourselves. We haven't developed anything internally.
Everything is dependent on each other to show up for
the wound. Oh my goodness, what if we had a
mishandling scroll account for relationships? When we come forward, the

(15:30):
voice of reason is on fire. I need y'all to
call in. Let's get it.

Speaker 5 (15:34):
If speaking up makes you the problem, you just expose
the real one. Because healthy relationships do not punish honesty,
they repair around it. In couple's work, there's this concept
that's called secondary injury. The first injury is what hurt you,
being dismissed, betrayed, abandoned, or unseen. The second injury is

(15:54):
what happens when you finally speak up about that pain
and the person that you love reacts with defense, minimization blame,
where they then choose that opportunity to bring up something
that they don't like about you, or that their problem
with you. Most couples don't realize that they are re
enacting childhood attachment wounds. One partner finally shares their truth,

(16:17):
the other partner unknowingly react in ways that mirror that
original injury, not from that person, but from wherever it
was back there in the timeline. That then creates a
trauma loop where the wound deepens, trust erodes, and both
people feel unseen. Object relations theory, we project old attachment

(16:39):
patterns onto our partners unconsciously. We expect them to get
it right without telling them how. Second injuries are usually unintentional,
but they can be just as damaging. You don't have
to scream, you don't have to cheat, you don't have
to shut down in order to cause secondary injuries. Sometime
that second injury, the harm that comes from it is

(17:02):
in not knowing how to hold someone else's pain.

Speaker 3 (17:07):
Do you see that was sav on Instagram? She was
dropping jewels? In my opinion, do you see why it
is necessary that relationships have this proverbial metaphorical account, right.

Speaker 4 (17:31):
This.

Speaker 3 (17:33):
Empathy or intimacy account. We are still human beings, We
are still imperfect. So got here and said we are
whips when on the first show I said we are whips?
What is a whip wip? Work in progress? We are
a human being. Human beings are flawed by nature. We

(18:00):
learn from our flaws. Our flaws make us incredible, It
makes us great. But where it is the most unforgived
unforgiven is in our relationships. Isn't it ironic that our
relationships is kind of like the one place you really

(18:23):
can't be human in. You got to show up for
that person. You can't be flawed. Flaws are not welcome here.
I got my own flaws that I'm ignoring. I don't
have time or the space for yours. This is why
this intimacy empathy escro account makes sense the system of

(18:46):
checks and balances. Within this system, the escrow operates like
a relational economy, governed by three regulatory branches that balance
power between emotion, intellect, and integrity. The executive function the
heart compassion right. This proposes grace, responds with empathy, but

(19:11):
cannot unilaterally pardon somebody in this relationship that hurt another.
There's emotional instinct. It initiates repair but remains subject to review.
Then there's the legislative function, the mind boundaries. This branch

(19:33):
defines the terms of use, adjusting behavioral agreements after each misstep.
This branch rights the relational policy document right that is
aimed to prevent emotional inflation. Then there's the judicial function

(19:55):
right the consequence, which is awareness Right, This reviews the act,
the intent, and the sincerity of the repair. It determines
whether grace may be dispersed or withheld until reform occurs.

(20:16):
What an actual empathy and intimacy escrow account that we're
constantly pouring in in good times? How many of you
guys the relationship just went away because you didn't have
a capacity lined up, You didn't have an account lined

(20:39):
up with something in it. Oh my god, listen, when
we come forward, we go into the phone lines. People
are on the lines from all over the country. They
want to talk about it. I want to hear from
Los Angeles as well. Let's get it.

Speaker 6 (20:54):
One of the things that life done taught me is
that if you get in a relationship with somebody that
ain't really ready to heal and grow and work on
they self, and you the type of person that's did
a bunch of inner work, and you don't gain a
certain level of self awareness and the type of awareness
that can actually help somebody else elevate and heal and
grow and evolve it in body who it is they
really can become when you come around and you able
to point out stuff to them that they don't realize

(21:15):
they're doing because they got subconscious patterns and behaviors that sabotaging.
They gonna feel like you're picking them apart, you shattering
illusions that they had around their identity. Most of the time,
if they got a victim mentality, they gonna view everything
that's coming up as a weapon. They gonna feel personally
attacked by everything that you're trying to tell them, even
if you ain't doing it out of malice, even if

(21:36):
you ain't doing it to put them down. These challenges
that come up between y'all, you gonna be the problem.
And what people like this fail to realize is that
you don't come in contact with somebody who's able to
do that for nothing. That means it's time to deal
with it. That means it's time to confront it. That
means it's time to go deeper. So many people mistake
being comfortable for being in love. So many people think
that when a connection challenged them to heal and grow,

(21:57):
because it's so uncomfortable, that it ain't really love, which
really we just speak to the fact that they don't
know what love is, because love do challenge you.

Speaker 3 (22:03):
Hey, look, madam og on Instagram is cooking. She's cooking.
I love what she said. Let me again making the
case for this metaphorical, metaphysical philosophical concept of grace, escrow forgiveness,

(22:26):
escrow empathy, a scrow that I believe relationships need. There
are there tools and skills that must be developed within oneself, first,
the relationship with themselves in order for them to be
able to pour into somebody else. People say they pouring
into you because they paying attention to you. Your attention

(22:51):
is one type of poor. Your sex is one type
of poor. Your presence is one type of poor. Let
me tell you something. Skills need to be developed on
the battlefield of the self. That's what you really bring
into the table. So Zoe gets creative and creates this

(23:14):
philosophical concept right and then endows it imbuse it with
a system of checks and balances. Right, the executive function,
the heart right, the legislative function, the mind and boundaries right,
the judicial function, the consciousness right, the awareness right. Together,

(23:38):
these functions form a dynamic checks and balances system that
guards against the tyranny of unchecked wounds pride, ego, fear,
or entitlement. Do you understand That's why this is important?

(24:00):
And I have to use this metaphysical metaphorical sense and
be creative to say, this is why relationships suffer. Because
if we're having a real conversation and you sit down,
how many times somebody went to therapy and it became
a competition. The therapists chose your side. That's not why

(24:22):
why you're there. They listened to you more. They made
me look like the villain. And it's both men and women.
They missed the whole point of the process, right, so
the therapist becomes babysitter trying to you know, feed you
little tools to get you just to listen without judgment. Right,

(24:48):
do you understand what these are the tools that are lacking.
We got calls on the line, let's get them in here.
Adonnis from Detroit, this is your first time on the
Oh our brother man? Please no profanity, brother, that is
terrestrial radio. No profanity. What are your thoughts on tonight's topic?

Speaker 7 (25:12):
I got you boss with us.

Speaker 8 (25:13):
Don't know how you doing.

Speaker 3 (25:14):
I'm good, brother, I am good.

Speaker 7 (25:18):
That's awesome man. Yeah, really, what you just stated about
the therapy situation. You know, it's tricky when somebody you
don't know what's telling you about yourself and unless you
have some level of I would say, internal understanding of

(25:40):
how you truly feel when somebody's telling you doing something wrong.
It's really hard to stand up and own that. I've
done a couple of stererapy before with an extra mind,
and I remember that was my first time under experience
in therapy and the overwhelmingness of it all, you know,

(26:05):
hearing his words, hear her words, and you not having
any experience in therapy, you never asking myself he's internal questions.
It was an ego shop. It was like a punch
in the face. And it took me doing my own
personal therapy to be able to take a step back
within myself and be like, Okay, are.

Speaker 3 (26:26):
The area right, I.

Speaker 7 (26:31):
Need to step my game up. I'm messing around, and yeah,
it's it's it's trick, especially when you know me personally,
I have a you know, I run a business here
and I have you know, a little bit of cloud.
A couple of people don't me whatnot. So it's hard
to care areas where you're not doing well when you're

(26:57):
used to doing well in the areas that you're very
proficient at. So with relationships with me personally, I know
that it takes me a little extra effort to.

Speaker 8 (27:09):
Be fully engaged and.

Speaker 7 (27:11):
Not necessarily just listening, not necessarily just being there, but
really engaging in a way to where I can set
my ego aside.

Speaker 3 (27:20):
Adonis, I have a question, yes, sir, outside of work,
how engaged are you with your feelings, your wounds, your upbringing,
any hurts that may have happened to you in the past.
Outside of work, how engaged are you hold that thought?

(27:41):
Don't answer yet. When we come forward, we're going back
to Detroit to get the truth. Let's go.

Speaker 9 (27:48):
Even though there are some people that never show it,
even though there are some people who are completely shut
off from them, even though there are narcissistic people that
block their feelings, we have to take in the idea
that everybody has feelings. And as you go up the
self help ladder, it can be very easy to connect
to the people that you perceive have a very open heart,
that are very transparent about what they feel, that are

(28:10):
constantly vulnerable. But your spiritual growth starts to be when
you can feel the feelings that people have, the true soul, innocent,
loving feelings that people have that they never show. That
doesn't mean give your power away. That doesn't mean become
a big people pleaser and over the line impath that
lets someone control you. That means stay connected to the
higher you and start to feel the compassion that the

(28:31):
now has for all of humanity, Start to just be,
start to connect, start to see love in every person,
and you won't believe how amazing life starts to be
for you.

Speaker 3 (28:43):
Man Kyle Cees never ceases to amaze me. I love
his perspective, I love his POV. And again, the essence
of this conversation is about being in a relationship with
a human being who is inherently flawed. No one is
advocating you stay with a physically abusive person, a psychologically

(29:05):
abusive person, a verbally abusive person. This is not what
this is advocating for. This is advocating for what it
means to fight for the humanity of each other. That's
real love. This is what Precious was talking about yesterday
when she said, that's real love when you have the

(29:26):
desire to fight for the imperfection of your partner, to
fight for the flaw that is them. Yeah, you love
that part of them too. Sure, you encourage them to
work on themself. You encourage them to take responsibility, accountability,
You encourage them to look at themselves, be reflective and

(29:48):
all of that. But you know, it's love when you're
fighting for the whole person. Now, you can't wage a
war to fight for the whole person of your part
unless you've won that war or at least beiggun that
war within yourself. Do you see? This is why something

(30:12):
like this matters. Yes, we're talking metaphorically philosophically, yeah, sure,
but think about it. The necessity of it and a forgiveness, empathy, intimacy,
escrow account for your relationship that you pour into in

(30:36):
good times. Hmm, very interesting, Adonis Detroit, I asked you
a question before we went forward. Now we've come full circle,
I need to know the answer to that.

Speaker 7 (30:54):
Yes, Just so I'm not a rambling, repeat that question
for me.

Speaker 3 (30:59):
I was askedking you if you were self reflective. That's
what I was. That's the gist of it, right.

Speaker 7 (31:07):
So yes, yes, So I'll tell you. What has allowed
me to be a lot more self reflective is the
relationship I have with my daughter. It has allowed me
to slow down, to be able to see where I'm
messing up by how I reactive respond to things.

Speaker 10 (31:36):
I've been able to be a little bit more I
would say engaged with her as opposed to more intimate relationships,
just because of.

Speaker 7 (31:48):
A I can think of divine connection.

Speaker 3 (31:50):
So you want to you want me to keep it,
You want me to keep it real with you.

Speaker 7 (31:55):
I want you to keep it real.

Speaker 3 (31:56):
Your daughter is a safe place.

Speaker 4 (31:59):
Mm hmm.

Speaker 3 (31:59):
That's it's a low stakes relationship because that's your daughter,
that's your baby. So that's an easy relationship to engage in. Clearly,
you want to be your father. You love being her father,
and you love her. But let me tell you what
your daughter is modeling while you're loving on her. She's

(32:21):
modeling what you're also neglecting within yourself, which shows up
in intimate relationships. Intimate relationships, brother are about self knowledge.
I tell people, instead of walking into the relationship expect
or expecting the person to show up a certain kind

(32:43):
of way, we take we put both eyes on them.
We don't put one of those eyes on ourself. How
we're gonna show up I was triggered the last time.
Or we'll cultivate expectations for them to act a certain
way around own parts, that parts of ourself that we've
disowned that we don't want to look at. What about

(33:08):
emotional regulation? What about your temper? What about anger? What
about do you understand what I'm saying like, how do
you resolve conflict within yourself? Do you ignore it? Do
you sweep it under the what's your attachment style? Are
you insecurely attached? Why is it that intimate relationships are
such a problem. Are they triggering different parts of you

(33:29):
that you don't want to deal with within yourself?

Speaker 4 (33:34):
Yeah, that's deep.

Speaker 7 (33:38):
I would say I'm more.

Speaker 4 (33:41):
Avoided when it comes Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 7 (33:44):
Intimate relationships because you know that's safe place. Comment you
made that is a very true and I've recognized that
as well with other you know, inter relationship something into it.
It's hard for me to feel comfortable, I would say

(34:04):
opening up or being a little bit more. I don't
want to say relaxed. That's not the word I'm looking for.

Speaker 3 (34:12):
But you said it. You said it's open, vulnerable.

Speaker 9 (34:19):
M hm.

Speaker 3 (34:19):
So does intimacy scare you?

Speaker 7 (34:24):
I think what's scared me is not necessarily intimacy. But
I'm trying to put it into the correct words. The
representative that that person's presenting to myself. I'm not sure
that that is that person's true set.

Speaker 3 (34:45):
Stay right there. No, no, no, stay right there. That's fear.
I don't know if you really you and I can't
trust it. Stay right there, don't go nowhere?

Speaker 8 (34:57):
Brother?

Speaker 2 (34:57):
You cooking?

Speaker 3 (34:58):
We all fire tonight with Can we come forward? The
phone line's are fool, Let's get it.

Speaker 11 (35:04):
Hey, guys, she's doing that thing again where she brings
up her feelings. I was just wondering what I should do. Okay,
I think we can all agree that it's important for
us to remember that we love this woman. No reason
to overreact. Prepare for battle, gentlemen, Sorry, what it's a
full scale assault? Bet in the hatches. No, we're not
going to prepare for battle. She wasn't attacking us, she
was just sharing something that hurt her. Defend, dismiss, invalidate,

(35:24):
going with the classics. If it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Hold on, let's talk about this like adults. Don't listen
to prefontal pansy over here. She's calling you a bad partner.
You're gonna let that stand reminder of how hard you
work for this family?

Speaker 8 (35:33):
Good idea.

Speaker 11 (35:34):
No, that's not gonna work. That's never worked. You know
his suggestions are terrible, right, fight flight freezer, fun pick one. Now, Hey,
I've got a great idea. How about we think about
this rationally for just a second. Aren't you just fight?
Why are we fighting? All she did was share a
feeling with us. She triggered my shame, that's on her. Okay,
So what am I supposed to say?

Speaker 12 (35:48):
Say?

Speaker 11 (35:48):
Thank you for telling me what's on your heart? Ask
questions to better understand what she's feeling. Say nothing I
do is good enough. Please don't start this again. Why
are you always making a big deal about nothing?

Speaker 4 (35:57):
Stop?

Speaker 11 (35:57):
She's just staring at me. I need an answer. Guy,
you do the same thing to me, and you don't
hear me complaining. Listen, you gotta hear me out. She
just wants to feel heard and understood. She just wants
her feelings validated as real. We can still set healthy
boundaries around accusations or yelling or blame, right, but let's
try to be a safe place for her. Too many words,
everybody stopped listening. Let's do this all right. I think
I'll start with why were you ruining the good day
that we were having? And that'll probably snap proud of it.

Speaker 3 (36:18):
Morons listen. Do you see how aligned these clips are?
My niece is genius with the clips. Do you see
how aligned? This is the conversation we're having. This is
why you need an empathy escrow account, a mishandle escrow.

(36:44):
I'm going to mishandle you sometime. Do you understand what
I'm saying? This is crazy, We're gonna fall out sometimes.
We need an escrow account that can cover the deficit. Ah, man,

(37:05):
this is heavy. A donna's get back in here, bro, Yes,
sir man, I really let me just say this. I
appreciate you for just your honesty, man, and your openness.
You talked about avoidant, you know, being, you know, avoiding

(37:27):
you know, feeling and closeness, and then you have this
connection with your daughter that's a low stakes relationship, but
you're going to realize that that relationship is going to
become a high stake relationship as she gets more. But
as she develops and she becomes how does she.

Speaker 7 (37:45):
Know she's spiled?

Speaker 13 (37:48):
Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, you already see. She's about to shift.
She's gonna grow up. She gets her own opinion or
her own sense of self.

Speaker 4 (38:00):
Heal.

Speaker 3 (38:00):
And I'm just trying to tell you how you are
translates to her children model their environment, they model their parents.
So if there's parts of yourself that are disowned, you're
actually passing it down as a psycho spiritual heirloom that
she might have to deal with later. And she's going

(38:21):
to mirror that stuff that you haven't dealt with back
to you. As she gets older, you'll see.

Speaker 7 (38:30):
No, I'm already seeing. That's why I'm trying to fix it.

Speaker 3 (38:33):
Not so. Number one, I would suggest this go to
therapy once again, and this time commit yourself to the process. Sure,
just look at a therapist like this. They are they
don't have a side except for the side of the
relationship right now. If you go in there and it's

(38:58):
personal therapy, it's you, then they're on the side of
you kind of dealing with yourself. Now. I don't always
agree with the relationship first. Sometimes it's you first. I
think it's you first all the time. But oftentimes when
couples go in there, it's like, let's save the relationship.

(39:19):
What's the problem with the relationship. Let's create a plan
and let's organize around that. So we could say the relationship.
But I think the problems in the relationships are the
macro of the internal micro whatever's going on internally, right,
So I think the first relationship to try to heal
is the relationship with self. So you've already described kind

(39:42):
of like this avoidant kind of tendency. Go to therapy
and commit yourself to the process. I would suggest you
get a sister that is not only a clinician clinical psychologist,
but one that is spiritually rooted too, not in say religious,
but I mean spiritually rooted. You understand what I'm saying,

(40:04):
and I think that'll be the beginning of your journey.
These attachment styles, especially the insecure ones, can wreak havoc
in your adult relationships. You get them in childhood from
your primary caregiver however they raised you, and whatever issues
they were going through, it transfers to you. You take

(40:27):
it into your adult relationships and it becomes conflictual. And
now you got a baby five years old who looking
at daddy, and Dad's gonna have to reconcile some things
within himself if he wants to raise her in a healthy,
psycho spiritual way where she understands, Okay, you know, I

(40:49):
can't be afraid of intimacy. I can't be afraid of
she's gonna see that in you. Do you understand what
I'm saying. She's going to see that at some time?
All right, yes, sir, all right, good brother.

Speaker 7 (41:04):
I appreciate the advice.

Speaker 9 (41:05):
As always.

Speaker 7 (41:06):
I've been following me for years. Thank you, brother, so
much good game over the years. So I definitely take
your your words seriously.

Speaker 3 (41:13):
So thank you again, Thank you, brother. Appreciate you man,
Thank you. You brought Detroit in the building. If you
want to bring your city in the building. Now you
got to do is call me A one nine twenty
fifteen eighty. Let's move quickly through these callers. John Mountain View, Hawaii,
what are your thoughts on tonight's topic?

Speaker 8 (41:31):
Like I said earlier, you should have just continued.

Speaker 4 (41:34):
With the brother.

Speaker 3 (41:35):
Nah, man, come on, we're good, don't you on the
line now, don't complain about being on the line. You here, now,
come on, brother, let's go.

Speaker 8 (41:44):
I don't want to complain, but I also want to
choose violence. But let me be quick. If at the
grace that's given to everyone through spirituality, the one we
fail to choose when it comes to everything going on
in a relationship. Yet it's the hat that you could

(42:07):
hang your life on if you would just choose to
use it. But you also know the.

Speaker 7 (42:15):
Price that it costs.

Speaker 8 (42:20):
I bring to you the thoughts that are in my
mind and the words he who is without sining, cast
the first on. Sure again, you can stand in the
midst of a process that you just found unworthy of
you to present to your Savior, who is standing in

(42:42):
the midst of the process drawing in the sand, giving
you enough grace to shut up. At the same time
the grace been given to you and you being the
person who's supposed to represent him fully. Lessons learned from

(43:04):
the human being who stood next to a pastor looking
at the church, and it's finally understanding something as simple
as women. You know you're the most protected in that church.
So why are you just letting one man ruin your life? Okay,

(43:29):
the one man mean not your husband, because you forgot
him a long time ago. That's the reason why you
chose the other man who absolutely is ruining your life,
and you cook chicken for him in your own household,
telling your husband he's not worth it. So again, as

(43:51):
I continue to ask the people who are ready to
throw stones, or the person who's laying on the ground,
who's been present to the grace of life that again
you could hang your hat on. But the price for
you to get into that sanctuary that you know you
need to get into, which is yourself, the one who's

(44:14):
guiding you along the way and been waiting on you.
Draw drawing in the sand, Shut up, get spiritual about
your entire life, and I guarantee you you will find
the way out and the way in. Man, I'm done.

Speaker 3 (44:34):
I love it, I love it, I love it. Guess
what you just did?

Speaker 8 (44:36):
Good brother, Mountain View is pissed right now.

Speaker 3 (44:40):
Oh, Mountain View is in the house. If you want
to bring your city in the building, now you got
to do is call me one eight hundred nine fifteen eighty.
We got callers. We go into the callers. Let's go,
let's go. Let's go. Nikki from the Zip, Nikki from
the Zip?

Speaker 2 (44:54):
What of Nikki?

Speaker 3 (44:56):
What are your thoughts on tonight's topic?

Speaker 12 (45:00):
Brothers, go in the fawm.

Speaker 3 (45:02):
I'm so happy to have you here.

Speaker 12 (45:06):
I've been lurking.

Speaker 3 (45:07):
I've been watching you lurk.

Speaker 12 (45:13):
Misuse of an escrow account.

Speaker 3 (45:17):
You like that, well, food for the heart, give it
to us.

Speaker 12 (45:22):
Come on, I think sometimes because how our environments are designed,
we don't build positive money within ourselves before we start
thinking about escrow in a relationship. By the time we

(45:47):
decide we want a relationship long lasting, there hasn't been
enough inner work yet with the positives in it. So
there is we might have a down payment, but we
don't have enough for an ESCRO account.

Speaker 3 (46:07):
Oh, come on, come on, she cooking, she's summarine. Come on.

Speaker 12 (46:13):
When you are a first time home buyer and they
explain to you what the ESCO account is and its
purpose the day you get your keys, you think you understand.
What they don't sometimes tell you to a full understanding,

(46:35):
is that there will be increases in things like millage,
which is taxed well if you're not at a point
internally individually, whether you're buying a house by yourself or
with another person where you are prepared. You use up

(46:57):
all your deposit money to get in the house, but
you don't know yet that you're gonna need some more
deposits because millage goes up Texas change and that monthly
draw called a mortgage payment will require a higher portion

(47:21):
three five years later than it did in the beginning.
How can we have use, but let's misuse if we
have not properly built a foundation love being in the
first position, love of self first, so that we have

(47:46):
something more than just the three percent, five percent or
the zero down if the credit score is hippened.

Speaker 3 (47:54):
If the credit score is right, come on.

Speaker 12 (47:58):
So when we don't address love in the first position,
I I've been saying that for a while, because love
in the first position, individual or with will allow you
the opportunity to have more than just a deposit, because

(48:19):
you're learning as you go. When you're a first time
home buyer, you're learning as you go. When you're in
a relationship that you want to last, you hope and
you don't know yet. I told you before it two
people standing there, but it's at least four spirits in
the relationship. So when you start to see the other

(48:42):
one in the other one, the one you don't know,
cause that's the one that gets you. That's where that
deposit money that's now in a deficit is going to
affect you. And you will get a bill at the
end of the year or the start of the new
year if the escrow has been in a deficit. Right,

(49:06):
same thing happens in your relationship exactly. Start with love
in the first position. Begin to do the work before
you decide to be with, so that you'll have more
than the down payment.

Speaker 3 (49:22):
Oo, NICKI, we missed you, Nikki. I missed you. Me
and my twin we missed you, Nikki. I love it,
I love it, I love it. Guess what you just did.

Speaker 12 (49:37):
I about to sit in the building and I still
love everybody.

Speaker 3 (49:40):
We love you. We love you Nikki from Missississippi. If
you want to bring your city in the building, all
you gotta do is call me at fifteen eighty when
we come forward. We still got callers to get to
and we're going to do just that.

Speaker 14 (49:55):
What is a responsibility to ourselves toward the others? What
is responsibility to ourselves and to others? Don't quite do
don't quite understand the question. Let's look at the question responsibility.

(50:27):
What do you mean responsibility? The word responsibility, which means respond.
It comes from that word respond. Respond means it's retrospective, right,

(50:57):
look at it carefully. I don't know. I just we
are just in investigating the world. Have a responsibility towards
my wife, That's what we say. We are looking at
the bold responsibility I respond to her in a certain way,

(51:23):
which I don't respond to others in the same way.

Speaker 15 (51:29):
Right, I respond.

Speaker 14 (51:32):
According to my background of what I have learned about her,
and she responds what she's learned about me. If that response,
which is retrospecting.

Speaker 3 (51:48):
Way way, way, way, way, I respond according to my background.
How you were raised. It doesn't surprise me your conditioning, Right,
it doesn't surprise me. Then when you do a little

(52:09):
research on the great Jay Krishnamurty, that Carl Jung Einstein,
I'ldis Huxley, all these cats were sitting at the feet
of Jay Krishnamurty, And it doesn't surprise me that his
concept Alan Watts doesn't surprise me. That his concepts of

(52:35):
relationships seeped into their work just doesn't surprise me one bit. Right,
we as black folks, we don't care. We just want comfort.
I'm talking about relationships, modern day relationships. We don't really
care about the work. I'm sorry, it's time to call

(52:57):
folk out. We want the Hollywood Bowl. Oh yeah, Rikabad
is at the Hollywood Bawl. Let's go chick. We want
the picnic. We want the vacation, the vacation, We want
the distraction over the actual work. And I'm calling us out.

(53:20):
How you're gonna have unity? And you're of two spirits
within yourself, a shadow and a mask. You got a
shadow spirit and a mass spirit. Right, then you're in
a relationship with somebody exactly like you. Y'all tolerate each other,

(53:41):
y'all deal with each other. Sometimes it's cheaper to keep
each other right, and if not, you run jumping to
another fragment interaction? Am I lying? But yet we want

(54:01):
political unity? How's that possible? You got some factions of
our people who think they're better than other factions based
on socioeconomic positioning. You got some factions who think they're
better spiritually because they're spiritual narcissists, fragmented across the board.

(54:29):
Doctor David Baum talked about it in his book Wholeness
and the Implicate Order, and he talked about the problem
of fragmentation in human perception. Krishnamurti talked about it. Right,
we live in an anti intellectual society. Every time we

(54:54):
have deep conversations, you know how many people, it's always
at least two or three people that'll be like, well,
that's deep. You know.

Speaker 13 (55:05):
Why I gotta be that deep because it is, because
it is.

Speaker 3 (55:12):
Nobody's talking about the spiritual purpose of relating and why
it's important. But yet we want to listen. If you
are not self integrated, you can't trust you, so how
can anybody else trust you? You don't even trust your shadow.

(55:37):
You don't trust the disowned parts of yourself, which is
why you make trust one of the core tenants of relating.
I gotta be able to trust you. Deeck. Come on,
do you see the incongruence. You gotta be loyal, loyal

(55:59):
to the fraction, do you Okay? Listen, When I come forward,
we're going to go to the phone lines. I think
we're going to go to JW South Central, and then
we're going to go to my niece. She's in Houston, Texas.
We got more callers, Let's get to them on the

(56:19):
other side.

Speaker 16 (56:20):
So often when things get tough and we look for support,
our supporters rush in to fix things. But sometimes what
we need most isn't a solution, it's just someone who
truly gets us. How do you get someone you hold
space for them. That's what I'm talking about today. I'm
doctor Tracy Marks, a psychiatrist, and they make mental health
education videos. The concept of holding space has gained popularity recently,

(56:45):
and it sounds like cool therapy speak, But what does
it even mean. Well, actually, it's a pretty deep concept.
Let's break this down. Here's what holding space is. Not
fixing things. It's not about offering solutions or trying to
cheer the person up or even minimize their feelings. There's
no judgment. It's not analyzing the situation, giving advice, or

(57:09):
saying things like you don't need to feel that way.
And it's not distraction. It's not trying to divert someone's
focus or ignore difficult emotions, or pushing someone to move
on before they're ready. Here's what holding space is, whether
it's for you or for someone else. First, being an
active presence. It means being fully present for yourself and

(57:33):
setting aside other distractions and simply sitting with your emotions,
even those that feel uncomfortable. Validation. It's about acknowledging the
legitimacy of your feelings or the person you're supporting without
trying to change those feelings. And this might involve internal phrases.

Speaker 8 (57:51):
Like this makes sense given what I'm going through, or
it's okay to feel sad right now.

Speaker 16 (57:57):
Next is curiosity and acceptance. Instead of fighting against your emotions,
explore them with curiosity. What does the sadness feel like
in my body? What thoughts accompany this anger? Notice without judgment,
and then embrace the impermanence. Remind yourself that emotions are

(58:17):
fluid and while they feel intense in the moment, they
will naturally shift and change over time. And this is
not easy to implement for a few reasons. One is
that we naturally want to avoid discomfort. We're wired to
avoid pain and sitting with difficult emotions feels counterintuitive. And

(58:39):
then there's the fear of being overwhelmed. If your emotions
have been bottled up, you may worry that allowing yourself
to feel them will overwhelm you and lead to a breakdown.

Speaker 3 (58:49):
Ay Man, I love doctor Tracy Marx. Her work is great.
It's great work, and it fits into our topic. Man.
But before I go even further into breaking it down
and the different principles and concepts within it, we still
have callers on the line. I want to get to them.

(59:09):
J W from South central Los Angeles. What are your
thoughts on tonight's topic?

Speaker 4 (59:17):
J W. J W.

Speaker 3 (59:23):
Hey brother how you going, man, I'm good brother. How
are you?

Speaker 4 (59:28):
Uh? I'm doing there? Man? Uh yeah. First of all,
I would like uh you say your concept is uh
ingenious apparently curful. Thank you for singing outside the box.
Second of all, thank you brother. I want you all home. Uh,

(59:53):
I will see you in personal. Surrey argue more details
in person about some things that are going through. First
of all, I was going to Panda Express uh two
nights in a row when they would call in. I
wanted to talk to your cinition. I know you used

(01:00:18):
my name as well as someone else, but I won't
bring her up anyway, so that's you won't call it now,
Just letting you know that I really wanted to be
engaged with that conversation to night you go. And the
last time I mentioned Orlanda's playing is. I learned a

(01:00:42):
lot from you, and I.

Speaker 17 (01:00:44):
Was able to just give my mother before she passed
and just accept her for who she was. You know,
I know you know people, people and human nature and
just don't hope against people because you know they are
who they are. And that made me realize that when

(01:01:07):
I had the abilities and that the whole genty towards.

Speaker 4 (01:01:11):
Most people, including her. I found myself having some resentance
crop up, and then I'm learning about you and tempered
it down because it's logical, and I'm being in the
farm and I'm like, what's going on with me? So
I do want to have a clinician to deal with me.
And you already know my cousin and all that. And

(01:01:32):
now I brought my cousin up, has the doctors to
do her darter, makeing her cervilfice before her UH as
narcissistic and he's really dreamed of me. And I'm gonna
feel a lot. Man. I'm waiting to see if I
have cancer came back again. I lost some material things.
My mom died other things. I lost our weight. I

(01:01:56):
have multiple things dealing with me and really know if
I want to try to face that. But I have
to be man enough to face that. And I have
to stand only warn God and as well my comfort
and who she is in spite of the problems I
gonna have to go through to try to reach her
once again over the years. Well, it's not the first sign.

Speaker 3 (01:02:21):
Brother, Listen, man, you can call here anytime you con vent.
You can let it all hang out. Man, It's all good. Uh,
we're gonna pray for you, and and I encourage the
listeners to pray for our brother J W from South
Central Los Angeles. He's got a lot on his heart,
he's got a lot on his spirit. There's people in

(01:02:43):
the chat who are wishing you well right now. And
if there's anything I could do, let me know, brother,
let me know.

Speaker 12 (01:02:55):
Now.

Speaker 3 (01:02:55):
You're gonna make me come down there? Where? What what's
the event? Tell me?

Speaker 8 (01:03:00):
Boy, gonna be here?

Speaker 4 (01:03:02):
Wait? I heard the whole delegation from the radio station
posted bed here gonna be there. I'll talk about when
I first mentioned it.

Speaker 3 (01:03:10):
J Doubb. I'm gonna be there now because I gotta
see your face. I'm gonna be there, bro.

Speaker 4 (01:03:15):
Well yeah, okay, cool, cool the gang?

Speaker 3 (01:03:17):
All right, all right, J Dubb, guess what you just did? Brother?

Speaker 4 (01:03:21):
Hey, I'll South LA and house man.

Speaker 3 (01:03:24):
Yes, sir, South Central Los Angeles is in the building.
When we come forward, we going to Houston, Texas. Let's
get it.

Speaker 16 (01:03:31):
I want to ask you the question, Dre.

Speaker 18 (01:03:32):
Like we do every time.

Speaker 15 (01:03:37):
I love that question. Today I'm feeling grateful there's sense
of peace, a sense of trust, because that meets my
need for certainty. Yeah, again, I didn't feel this way

(01:03:58):
last night and then that evening, but how quickly things shift.

Speaker 4 (01:04:01):
Right.

Speaker 15 (01:04:01):
So that's my current state right now is what's alive
in me and what's alive in you?

Speaker 18 (01:04:08):
Right now, I am intensely grateful and excited because I
have a good friend of mine that just joined what
I call the Soul to the Academy for the year,
and I'm just amazing.

Speaker 2 (01:04:23):
So excited.

Speaker 3 (01:04:26):
I want to listen to more of Summer Andre. But
my niece is on the line. We've come full circle
here on KBLA talk fifteen to eighty. We've got to
get her in here. She's got thoughts. What are your
thoughts on tonight's topic? Niece? Yo, what up? What up?

(01:04:48):
What up? What upp ers? What are your thoughts? I
know you have thoughts you I'm.

Speaker 19 (01:04:54):
Always thinking I'll be thinking too much. I need to
calm down.

Speaker 4 (01:04:58):
Here we go.

Speaker 19 (01:05:00):
So the first, the first thing though that came to
my mind is that perfection is not a standard. It's
a compulsion. So when you're talking about like making space
for grace or rather like making space for people, I
think it's important that we acknowledge like our condition perspectives
because a lot of that is what kind of builds

(01:05:21):
up and scaffolds our projections that we, you know, put
on the people. And so I did a little bit
of research and I was thinking about what grace means,
and the thing that came up was that it means
courteous goodwill. So that kind of made me think, like,
if I replace grace with the word good will, right,
is there space for good will? Well, how do you
determine if your will is good without objectivity? When you

(01:05:45):
think about Rosenberg when he says observe, don't observe, observe,
don't absorb, excuse me to me like, if you're wounded,
your will is going to be wounded in your ego, right,
And so that leaves it up to interpretation and of
your wounds and your perception as well as the perception

(01:06:05):
as those who are impacted by your choices.

Speaker 9 (01:06:07):
Right.

Speaker 19 (01:06:07):
So I can't really make space for that which I'm rejecting, deflecting,
or ignoring. I can only make space for the things
that I'm allowing, Right, So it made me think of
a conversation we had, like I don't know, year ago
or so, when you were like telling me about the
situation You're only just allow it.

Speaker 11 (01:06:22):
And I'm like, what does that mean?

Speaker 19 (01:06:24):
And it dawned on me like it could be a year.
But it's like, if I'm not comfortable being in my
own skin and more importantly, being without doing all the time,
then grace is not gonna be sufficient for me, right,
Like I'm always gonna be looking for something to do,
something to analyze, right, And so I think in this

(01:06:47):
wounded space, we trying of treat grace as like a
foreign entity because we're focused on presentation perfection, you know,
that perception thing. And so my hurt is always gone
trump the alchemy as long as my words are carrying
like a stortin level of pain. And that pain can
belong to me or it can belong to other people.

(01:07:08):
But that's kind of just what I thought about with
this topic.

Speaker 3 (01:07:11):
I love it. I love it. I love it. Nice.
You already know you be cooking with the rarest grease.
So guess what it is that you've just done?

Speaker 19 (01:07:21):
My right in the building.

Speaker 3 (01:07:23):
Houston, Texas is on the board. We loved it. Listen,
I'm gonna land the plane. Intimate Liberty, the freedom within
limits claus Okay, my Escrow model honors Intimate liberty the

(01:07:44):
right to emotional authenticity within defined ethical boundaries. Freedom and
love resembles freedom of speech, nearly absolute, yet limited when
it endangers the safety yourself or your partner. One may
express anger or frustration, but not weaponize it. One may

(01:08:09):
voice truth, but not use truth to humiliate their partner. Therefore,
expression without regulation equals emotional anarchy. Control without compassion equals
relational authoritarianism. The escrow sustains equilibrium between the two, guarding

(01:08:32):
liberty through responsibility DC The intimacy Escrow account, a model
of conscious grace and ethical accountability, come on practical auditing
and maintenance. Monthly deposits. Each partner identifies one act of

(01:08:57):
gratitude and one behavior adjustment to deposit into the escrow account.
There's a quarterly audit evaluate whether emotional withdrawals exceed deposits,
ask do we remain solvent in compassion or are we

(01:09:19):
accruing debt through avoidance. Then there's an annual review reflect
on whether both partners maintain intimate liberty right without infringing
upon one another's psychological safety right. There's an ethical interest
review observe how intention and accountability affect the interest rate

(01:09:45):
of trust right repeated integrity increases intimate credit, deception lowers
it DC And I'm using this metaphor. Of course, then,
of course there's hermetic parallels. Drawing from the Kabalians seven

(01:10:06):
hermetic principles, you have mentalism. Awareness creates the account's currency.
Conscious thought governs emotional flow correspondence. The microeconomy of the
couple reflects the macro economy of self as within so

(01:10:27):
without then there's vibration. Regulation stabilizes the frequency of grace.
Disregulation devalues it. Of course you have polarity. Every harm
contains the potential for repair. Each forgiveness, risks relapse. Balance

(01:10:50):
is key. Are y'all listening? Rhythm? Emotional seasons, oscillate deposits,
prepare for winter, relational intimate winter, the hard times, the
difficult times. And then of course there's cause and effect.
Every act carries relational consequence. Grace adjusts karma, not cancels it.

Speaker 2 (01:11:15):
Do you see?

Speaker 3 (01:11:17):
Then there's gender active giving and receptive allowing keep emotional
currency in circulation. Thus the escrow becomes a living application
of hermetic equilibrium, where energy, ethics and empathy right transact consciously.

(01:11:39):
Do you see where I'm going with this. These are
some tools that can be applied to relationship. It's not
just about hooking up. It's not just about vacations, it's
not just about chilling, it's not just about sex. It's
not just about obligation and responsibility. How do we maintain
and escrow account? How do we maintain a forgiveness escrow account?

(01:12:05):
How do we maintain a compassion escrow account? In the
face of our own humanity, where we're flawed, where we're
broken to some degree, And if that's the case, chances
are our humanity might spill over into our partner and
hurt them. How do we repair the relationship from that?
This was a metaphysical, spiritual, psychological delve, deep dive into

(01:12:31):
this right, but again, I'm the voice of reason. You
don't have to agree I started the conversation. Is really
up to you to finish shit. Guess what. I'll be
back next week with a whole new slew of fire topics.
We appreciate you, I hope you appreciate me. Ahalla