GLD 532 - No Idea What You're Thinking

Is clear (and timely) communication the key to everything? What happens when you combine that with increased confidence? Brian breaks down why we need to speak up, how body language can let you down, learning how to read a room, why silence isn't always golden, and much, much more!

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
This is Pod Popular Podcast for the People, The Great
Love Debate. It's the Great Love Debate, the Great Love Debate.
It's a great Love to bab Hi again. Everyone, It's
Brian Howie. Welcome to the Great Love Debate, the world's

(00:22):
number one dating and relationship podcast since twenty fifteen. I
am back here in the very fine studios of Pod
Popular Podcast for the People. I am at the one
in Scottsdale, Arizona. It is getting to be the full
Scott's Dazzle season out here. So if you got the time,
head on out to the desert, and it is the

(00:44):
time pretty soon where we are doing once again, probably
are our two most popular episodes we do any year,
Our best and worst cities in America in which to
find love. We do this every year. We've done this.
I was gonna say, since twenty fifteen, nine eight years
in a row, We're about to do both, just to

(01:05):
be fair and to be honest about it. For most
of the first eight years of every time we did it,
I did the show. I did those shows based on
my own information from traveling around and visiting so many
cities because of our tour, so I felt I really
spent some time. I got a lot of input from
people in the city. I did a lot of research,
we got a lot of feedback from you guys. So

(01:26):
before we came up with the top ten best of
the ten ten worst, I really immersed myself in the muck.
And I was able to do that because I was
on the road doing so many shows in so many
cities around the country and around the world as part
of our tour. To be fair, I did not do
as many live shows in twenty twenty three as I
normally have done, or even a couple of years before that,

(01:48):
because the world shut down and blah blah blah. So
we are going to open it up once again to suggestions, recommendations,
and nominations from you guys. So, if you feel the
city you live in, or have moved from, or have
visited is a candidate for either the best or the
worst city in America to find love, shoot us an

(02:11):
email Great Loved Debate at gmail dot com. Put in
the subject line best city or worst city. We should
be able to tell by what you're writing, but we
will be surprised because some people send some them like wait,
is that a good thing or is that a bad? Thing.
We will take all your nominees and we will get
the lists out in the weeks ahead. We're always excited
about do that. To do that, we always get a
ton of buzz. The media always picks it up and

(02:31):
runs with it, like the Great Love Debate says Pittsburgh's
the best, and it is. But I'm not going to
influence you. I'm not going to influence the jury. So
give me your candidates, your nominations, your submissions for the
best or the worst cities to fine love, and we
will be rolling out that list shortly. I wanted to
talk a little bit today about communication, which I know

(02:54):
we always talk about that on this podcast. We've said
since since the day we started that the keys to
everything when it comes to love dating relationships are confidence
and communication. And some of you are like, wait, you
said a few weeks ago that the keys were passionate
and curiosity. Yes, I stand by those, but in order
to find those and get results from them, confidence and

(03:17):
communication are what really drives the engine and what really
needs to be worked on. So confidence, the lack thereof,
or building upon that, I think we've dealt with quite
a bit this year. We've had specialists on to talk
about mental health and physical fitness and emotional growth, all

(03:39):
of that, and I think they're all great episodes and
it's great information. But the communication part, we all struggle
with that, and I am and have been one of
the worst people you can possibly imagine when it comes
to that, as a boss and as a boyfriend and
as a member of society at communicating anything but mostly

(04:04):
the right thing in the right way at the right time.
I'm always surprised that I can pump out these episodes
of this podcast relatively eloquently and clearly, considering how often
I have such trouble one on one. But that's a
different show for a different day. And people have said
that to me that I probably communicate better on my

(04:26):
show than I do in real life. So if you
want to have a quality, a meaningful interaction with me,
listen to the show, come on the podcast, or shoot
me an email about it, and I'm great. I think
I'm great relatively now. On the basics, the please, thank you,
you're welcome, I'm sorry, I love you, things all very important,

(04:50):
extremely so. But the layers of my thoughts and the
nuance of what I'm trying to express and the poetry
between lines that is often missing either in what I
say or how I say it, or how we say it.

(05:10):
So why do I bring this up today? So somebody
emailed me Tara from Arlington, Texas. Was the name, thank
you Tara, a thingy, a picture with a meme, a
little picture with the words on it, and she said
do you agree with this? And it said shutting down
instead of communicating is just as toxic as arguing. Shutting

(05:34):
down instead of communicating is just as toxic as arguing.
And you're probably like, no shit, simple concept. Of course
it's bad. But but I think why that resonated with
me so much and why I wanted to talk about
it today is the word toxic, Because who would have
thought not saying something adds toxicity? And toxicity in a

(05:55):
relationship is such an important element and such a destructive one.
So getting back to the shutting down part, that was
my go to technique. I think that was the technique
I used way, way, way too often. I was like,
if they can see that I'm mad, then they will

(06:17):
try and figure out why, and then they'll realize that
they made me mad, and either they'll fix it or
apologize for it, and then I will be right. So
the shutting down and the going silent was about being right,
which never should be the point in any conversation or
any relationship. It's not a game show. So a couple

(06:41):
episodes ago I talked about the importance of being heard
and hearing the other person. But you can't do that
if you aren't saying anything and there's no dialogue, or
if you're making them guess, or you're just completely shutting
off the communication beyond just having angerbody language and scows

(07:02):
silent treatment. So that's what I want to talk about.
How we do that, why we do it, and well
we can do about all of it. So I got
to take a quick break so our sponsors can communicate
to you, and we will be right back right after this,
and we are back. So, as I have said ad

(07:25):
infinitum on this show, I'm not giving you advice. I'm
giving you my opinion. And my opinion is just my
own on what has or hasn't worked for me. But
it is what we have heard over and over and
over from so many people. And just by that very
fact that we have done so many shows live around

(07:45):
the world and have heard from the largest pool of
people on this stuff then honestly, anybody ever. I think
that this opinion is rooted in some things that you
pretty much bank is accurate. Like, I think I know
what I'm talking about on this, and some of these
things are pretty much common sense. If you don't say anything,
how are they to know? But knowing when matters too.

(08:13):
I know there's two schools of thoughts on never go
to bed mad, which I didn't know before I started
doing the show. I'm like, oh, there's two schools of thought.
I thought the old adage never go to bed mad
was a real thing. But there are those who feel
that you should work things out in a moment so
it doesn't carry over to the next day. And I
see the point of that, And those who say, when
you are tired and upset and emotional, maybe a good

(08:35):
night's sleep is what you need most to calm and
reflect and hopefully resolve. And I think that second school
of thought is gaining more traction. Maybe you should go
to bed mad. It's how you wake up, because it
only has purpose and value if you get up the
next morning and say, can we talk, and not in

(08:56):
a way that it picks right back up at that
angry point you left off at. It's more like I've
had some time to think and there are a few
things that I want to share to see if we
can come together on this thing that has brought us apart.
And I know it's not easy to say it like
that in a moment when you're pissed or whatever, but
that word share is in that sentence. Share to see

(09:17):
if we can come together shares a key to all
of this communication when done right and with a positive purpose.
Communication is all about sharing thoughts, words, ideas, opinions, and yeah, emotions,
share emotions. So shutting all those things down tells the

(09:40):
other person I do not care enough about you to
try to get to the other side of this issue.
Our conflict, our conflict both of us, disagreement, our breakdown.
So you have to get to a place emotionally, maybe

(10:00):
after a night's sleep where you can speak calmly. But
if you get past that night's sleep and you're not
speaking calmly, you can let a night turn into a day,
turn into a week, turn into the end. Do you
have to at some point summon the strength and the

(10:22):
words and the calmness to address the eulephant in the room,
because it is there, it's not going to go away.
You have to say something. Can we talk? Those are
some of the scariest three words another person can hear
because they're almost never followed by anything good. But if

(10:43):
you you softened it a little, or if you said
something like, hey, I'd love an opportunity to hear each
other out about what we were talking about last night or
about what happened. I think that's a little gentler. And
no matter how furious you are at the other person,
if you can to talk and it means enough to
you that you want to say something about it, you

(11:04):
must care about something some elements of it, and hopefully
them and what you guys have. But this isn't just
to use for bad things, because it's not just about that.
Sometimes silence comes from a place of positivity, but that
can also bring in toxic elements like doubt and fear

(11:29):
and resentment, because the silence is about what is not
being said and what is not being heard. So what
do I mean by that? Well, of course they know
I appreciate them, do they We've been together seven years.
Why would I be doing this with you if I
didn't love you? You know, lots of people think the

(11:49):
actions speak louder than the words, another old adage, and
I'm like, well, not always. Sometimes we absolutely need to
say and hear the words, lots of words, because you know,
communicating with positivity and with purpose, they need to hear it.

(12:11):
You need to say it, and you need to feel it,
both of you. So somebody says, what do you want
to do today? That's a normal question that you know
two people ask, probably when they're in a relationships. Certainly
a nice thing to ask because it means you want
to respect their their wishes and their opinion on the

(12:31):
subject matter what do you want to do today? But
their answer is way more effective if the answer isn't
I don't know, Maybe see a movie, I don't know,
you want to get some food. I think the answer
is way better if it's I don't care. I just
want to be with you. I mean, how many times

(12:53):
have any of us heard that? Not that many, right,
But it's awesome if you do, because then and the
two of you together, through this question and this answer,
you've established a desire to be together, to share time
and moments and whatever you are doing. The act is
secondary to the fact that you are doing it with them,

(13:16):
then you can get into the war what how Sometimes
and hopefully you're just sitting next somebody in a movie
theater and you're just like, I love the fact that
I'm just sitting here with them. I can't even pay
attention to the movie. I like the time we're spending together,
or a meal that you're sharing. You don't even remember
what you're eating or why this is it that matters?

(13:37):
I want to do it with you. And isn't that
great use of words and communication and something that will
never come out of silence? They won't you think they know?
They don't know because you don't have to be extraordinarily
eloquent or a master of language to express that by

(13:59):
saying that the person is more important than the activity,
saying it out loud, often clearly, honestly, passionately, I can
tell you that all the fancy dinner menus in the
world they can't replace the effect that it will have
on you and them and the relationship. And when you

(14:21):
know a lot of people are going to counter when
I bring this stuff up and say I shouldn't have
to say it. They should know if they are paying
attention and to that, I say what, like, what are
they paying attention to? If people quote unquote knew what
you were thinking and feeling in silence, probably seventy percent
of our conflicts wouldn't even exist. We never know, especially

(14:42):
the guys. A lot of times the women, even when
they are communicating, they're communicating at a level that only
dogs can hear. So communicating in silence it is probably
never going to be effective. We always need to hear it,
We always need to say it, and I think it

(15:03):
always has value and I don't want to hear that. Well.
If he says it every day, it becomes white noise
and gets deluded and it has no value. I want
him to say I love you when he really means it.
Trust me, if he says it every day, he means
it every day because you remembered to say it and
he felt to say it and he thought to say it.
Not a quick love you I hear a lot one.

(15:23):
I think couples are in trouble when somebody says love
you before hanging up the phone and they leave out
the eye. It's always a red flag to me, Okay,
love you. I want to hear I love you. I
want to hear the eye me totally means something, and
it totally matters. You should never get tired of hearing

(15:44):
him say you are beautiful, and you should never get
tired of her saying you're special or important, or the
there are grateful or happy, or that they matter, because
if you don't say things, then they don't matter enough.
That's what you not saying something really says. And we

(16:09):
all at the end of the day, absolutely want to
matter in the world to that person and in the relationship,
because trust me, the easiest part of the relationship should
be saying the basic things that support the most difficult conversations.
It's a lot easier to have a conversation with your
wife about refinancing the house or switching jobs, or figuring

(16:34):
out what to do with your kid who's not doing
well in school. It's a lot easier to say this,
to have those conversations if there's a foundation of communicating
the daily basics. I'm sorry I acted that way. I'm
sorry I didn't see your perspective. Thank you for picking
up the package for me. I love the way you
looked last night. If we can't see those things, we're

(16:58):
in big trouble. But if we can say these things,
and we make a point to do things and not
only just remember to say it, but becomes a part
of your routine. Everything becomes easier and anything can be better.
So what do you think? That's my opinion. Now, there's

(17:18):
always a caveat to that turning point. Sometimes things are
better left unsaid. You should dial back one more. Fuck you,
just dial that back, Just throw that one a Sometimes
you're better off not sending that email or that text
or trying to get the next word because you want
to be the last word. Like there is some value

(17:39):
in that. Sometimes silence is golden and there's an adage
that has a purpose, and I get all of that,
but that is for a moment, but after a breath,
once you calm down, not for weeks and not forever,
just until you take a mental inventory for a second
to think, does this person or this situation merit any

(18:04):
ounce of my time or feelings to try to just
not just work it out, but just work through it
our differences, this situation, these issues. I'm not sure I
do enough of that in professional situations, not people who

(18:24):
work with me or work for me, and certainly not
on this podcast. Somebody came up to me, not just somebody.
Her name is Nicole, and I should honor that, and
I need to say that out loud. Nicole recently in
person and said she has listened to the show for
five years. And I was flattered. But there was this

(18:45):
part of me embarrassed to hear that. But no part
of me is anything but grateful, extremely grateful, and I
probably didn't express that in the moment well enough, you know,
I let like, oh what do I do with this information?
Overwhelm the fact that I extremely grateful. And there are
there are tens of thousands of podcasts that people could

(19:05):
listen to, and there's millions of ways to get you
guys information and that you could get stimulized. So in somebody,
any of you, and there's a lot of you, take
the time and listen each week or most weeks, or
even just a week or two out of the year.
Shame on you catch up. I do need to communicate
two words and two things, thank you, and keep listening,

(19:31):
like share, follow, and review this podcast. You reviews still
after all this time, four hundred and something something shows
your reviews mean a lot in the podcasting ecosystem, and
to me, so thank you very much. Shoot me an
email Great Love Debate at gmail dot com, not just
to give me your submissions on the best and the worst,
but also on your thoughts on how you communicate, why
you communicate, and the value that you find in communicating.

(19:56):
As always at the Great Love Debate, we never stop
making love. To see you next time. The Great Love Debates.
It's the Great Love Debates, The Great Love Debates, It's
the Great Love to be