Francesca Rudkin: Why I'm okay with my son leaving the nest for university

This weekend, emotional parents will be dropping off and farewelling their offspring off at universities around the country. Some first-year students will be heading into Halls of Residence and some into flats as they begin this new phase of navigating their lives with the kind of independence they’ve dreamt of, but now it’s here in a strange mix of nerves, excitement, and the unknown.  

It’s hard to say who will be more emotional about this rite of passage - the students, or their parents.  

My first born, my gorgeous, smart, fun-loving Oscar left home on Friday with his father on his way to the University of Canterbury. UC  was the dream, to follow in his parents’ footsteps. Yeah, nah. The dream was to leave home, study, and have an adventure at the same university most of his mates were going to!  

After 18 years of being the parent dealing with the more day to day aspects of our son’s life, you’d think I would be an emotional wreck as my baby left home. Strangely I am not.  

But seriously, he is so excited and happy with his flat at the Halls, it’s hard not to be excited for him. I will miss him terribly. But I know he’s ready to go, and needs to go, and I believe our mother-son relationship will go to a new level when he does.  

I am sure a dip will come in time - it's that old parenting chestnut - when the kid is happy, you’re happy - when they struggle, you struggle. I’m sure there will be tough moments ahead.

A lot of my friends and colleagues are going through the same experience this month and everyone is dealing with it differently. But don’t let that make you think you’re alone in your grief.  

It is derailing to have the family dynamic change, it’s natural to miss those random incidental conversations with your kid and having everyone around the dinner table and being part of their lives.  

Yesterday on Jack Tame’s show, I reviewed a new documentary about 2 talented Northland brothers, Henry and Lewis de Jong, who became world famous at age 16 and 18 with their thrash metal band Alien Weaponry. Their parents have been incredible supportive of their boys - and at one of the boys 21sts - their mum gives a speech, and she says something like this - As a parent it’s important to give your kids roots, and then give them wings.  

That’s exactly it. The love doesn’t stop, the support doesn’t stop, we're always going to be there for our kids who are well grounded in who they are - but we've also got to encourage them to fly.

I, for one, am also looking forward to a whole lot less washing.  

I think another reason why I am not too emotional about it all, is because I feel like I have been preparing for this for a while. Not just since finishing school and doing all the prep to head away.  

But I think I struggled with the loss of my gorgeous young boy when puberty hit. That stage when they go from cuddly, overly enthusiastic and communicative to grunters who can’t remember why they crossed the room?  

As the parent dealing with the more day to day aspects of our kids’ lives, I grieved for the loss of my little boy. I knew he’d be back, and he is - he’s a gorgeous, smart, kind and happy young man, but I wonder whether that grief mothers experience when their sons are around 13 is an opportunity for them to slowly start preparing to let their boys go at 18. 

When he leaves, I will miss him terribly. But I know he’s ready to go, and needs to go, and I believe our mother-son relationship will be going to a new level when he does.

And is it bad to say that at this point, it’s a bit of a relief to have one guest check out from the hotel I feel like I run at times? It’s not for long either, he will be back in 8 weeks.

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:06):
You're listening to the Sunday Session podcast with Francesca Rudkin
from News Talks A'B.

Speaker 2 (00:12):
This weekend, emotional parents will be dropping off and fairwelling
their offspring universities around the country. Some first year students
will be heading into halls of residents, some into flats
as they begin this new phase of their lives with
the kind of independence they've dreamt about. It's hard to
say he will be more emotional about this rite of passage,
the student or the parent. Both generations will be doing

(00:36):
it with a mix of nerves, excitement, and a sense
of the unknown. My firstborn, my gorgeous, smart, kind, fun
loving Oscar, headed off with his father on Friday to
the University of Canterbury. You see, is the dream to
follow in his parents and grandparents' footsteps. Yeah?

Speaker 1 (00:52):
Nah.

Speaker 2 (00:53):
The dream is to leave home, study, have an adventure
and at the same time and go to the same
university most of his mates were going to. After eighteen
years of being the parent dealing with the more days
today machinations of our son's life, you'd think that I
would be an emotional wreck as my baby left home.
Strangely I'm not. Instead of moping around the house. I'm

(01:16):
buying a new duvet for his bed and redecorating his
room just a little. The thing is, he is excited
and happy with his flat at the Halls. It's hard
not to be excited for him. Don't get me wrong.
I will miss him terribly, but I know that he
is ready to go, needs to go, and I believe
our relationship will now go to a whole new level. Look,

(01:39):
I am sure a dip will come in time. It's
that old parenting chestnut, isn't it. When your kid's happy,
you're happy. When they struggle, you struggle. There will be
tough moments ahead for both of us. A lot of
my friends and colleagues are going through the same experience
this month. It's nice to know you're not alone, even
though everyone is dealing with it differently. It is a
jolt to have the family dynamic change. It's natural to

(02:02):
miss those random daily conversations with your kid, having everyone
around the dinner table and being part of their every day. Yesterday,
on Jack Tame's show, I reviewed a new documentary about
two talented Northland brothers, Henry and Lewis DeYoung, who became
world famous at age sixteen and eighteen with their thrash
metal band Alien Weaponry. Now their parents have been incredibly

(02:24):
supportive of their boys, and at one of the boys
twenty first, the mom gives a speech and she says
something like that. She says, as a parent, it's important
to give your kids roots and then give them wings.
And that's exactly it. The love doesn't stop, the support
doesn't stop. We're always going to be there for our kids.
And because of that, where now they're now brave enough

(02:45):
to fly. I love this message and it's timing was perfect.
So if you're dropping off a kid a child this
weekend or on the weeks ahead, celebrate the milestone and
their looming independence. It means you've done something right as
a parent. Keep yourself busy so you don't have the
chance to miss them too much, and be grateful for
less visits to the washing mashine and less confrontations over

(03:08):
whose turn it is to unload the dishwasher.

Speaker 1 (03:11):
For more from the Sunday Session with Francesca Rudkin, listen
live to News Talks a B from nine am Sunday,
or follow the podcast on iHeartRadio.