October 18, 2018 • 45 mins
An Indigenous man and a White debate the ritual, then What could go wrong in space, I ask you, followed by Shortly after Christ has risen from the fateful cave, those pesky tourists come a callin’.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:03):
Welcome back to alchemy. That's I'm your host, Kevin Polly.
Yes that Kevin Polling was that na no no. To
be honest, I'd rather not. Please don't try to stay
with me throughout my career. I've been fortunate enough to
see my fair share of true out me. By definition,
alchemy is when a person transforms or creates something through
a seemingly magical process. And my dear peas and poops,
(00:27):
like I said, I've been witnessed to the stuff on
several occasions. An example, Sure, if you're going to be
like that, let's see. Okay, here's one. The team of
young scamps who portrayed a hockey team in the film
The Mighty Ducks were so delightful together they spawned an
actual professional hockey franchise. But I digress the point, folks,
A wonderful idea hit me square in the old nogg,
(00:48):
and what if I brought together the right creative peeps,
forced them to make ship up based on my own twisted,
demented ideas, and then offer a podcast of this seemingly
magical process, and I could call it alchemy in your eye,
you bucket of smaller buckets. Well after a bit of
title tankering. I'm so very proud to welcome you, dear
friends to another episode of Alchemy. This let's meet our
(01:12):
gathered alchemists, shall we, in no particular order to say hello?
Mr Craig Atkowsky. Creig, tell the folks why you believe
the earth is flat? I don't see it round, do you?
I just think just keeps going straight. You're not wrong.
Next up is the fairly talented Vanessa Raglan Vanessa. What's
(01:32):
the truth about child rearing? Nobody's talking about? You know?
The truth? Isle is not that cross that is clean.
What would a super team like this be without Mr
Chris Oberto, Hey Chris, hey? Can you conversely teaching young
dog old tricks? No, they'll be crazy crazy, that's correct.
(01:59):
And then of course there's Mr Joey Greer Greer Stini.
What is four times seventeen? Four times seventeen? Uh la? Last,
but hope you're a coffee's tepp it if you think
him least? Mr James Heeney, can I call you Jimmy
the jew Lover? Well? I think if I said no,
(02:22):
it would send the wrong idea. I'm sure. All right.
Then let's get to our first scene. Shall we open
them up? Oh no, no, no no. Today's show great
moments in human history. We start with in the Plymouth
colonists and the Wampanong Indians shared an autumn harvest feast
(02:46):
that is acknowledged today as the first Thanksgiving celebration in
the colonies. We take you now to a few years
later for the third Thanksgiving. Yeah, it's still pretty much
the same maze we did two years ago. But uh,
I didn't mean it like it was pouring. I meant
like I'm getting used to it and I like it. Good. Good.
We've added more salt and butter for your for your taste,
(03:09):
for your limited taste. Well that's well, that's the little rude. Wow,
that's good. That's good. Well, you coming to our land
was pretty rude. Yeah, I mean we went over this
last year and the year before that. It's like, you know,
we're good now. And that's just tradition. Yes, it's just tradition.
Rule of threes. Once said, something happens, third dimonds tradition.
That's right, that's right. Uh. Speaking of which, Um, speaking
(03:32):
of traditions, I made you this. This is a hand turkey. Um.
I put my hand on a piece of paper and
then I outline the hand and it's turkey and you
can eat that or oh no, no, it's for you
to hang on your wherever you live. Why would I
I I live in a hut. I didn't want to
say it. It It seems weird because I live in a house. Yes,
well my hunt as a house with a that route. Yeah,
(03:56):
that seems weird. But you can hang this. Why would
I do that? Um? If it you know, it brings
the holidays about it, lets you know we're having some fun.
To be honest, it doesn't look like a turkey. It
looks like a hand. You drew some feathers on it.
But yeah, yeah, yeah, okay, well you know maybe this
one won't stick. Look, before our families get here, I
(04:18):
want to make sure you and I are good. Are
we we We're good? Right? Uh? Well you did bring
a smallpox which has wiped out at least half of
my tribe. So I mean you're welcome. I mean I
guess other than that, we're good. Great. Great. Also, I
was wondering and like, I don't know if this is
too much, But before the families get here, can I
(04:38):
call you Joe? Uh? My name is ku Koye. That's like,
it's hard for me to say, and my wife doesn't
love say anything very it's just very easy to say. Joe, Hey, Joe,
let's stick to kukoye or cool? All right, Joe? If
you yeah, yeah, yeah, yea yea ya yeah. I gave
you a one syllable option. Yeah, I know, I know.
(05:03):
This feels this feels tense, This feels tense. It's come on.
It's the day to be thankful. I'm thankful for I'm
thankful for you, Joe. I'm thankful for this land. I'm
thankful for this wonderful food that you've prepared. I'm also
thankful for this land which is been amongst my people
for thousands of years. Here here here, here, here, here,
(05:23):
and now it's out'tly you've been here for two years? Yeah,
I don't know if it's our land so much. Oh,
it's God's land. I you know what. I agree. I agree.
God gave us this land and we are just using it.
I agree. Well, let's say the great being in the sky, okay,
which you call God? Yeah? Well, that's his name, that's
his that's his name. His name is God. Yeah, all right,
(05:46):
that's kind of a known thing. And I know you
probably don't. You don't read as much as I do.
It's kind of like the known thing. It's his name
is God. I read the sky, I read the trees.
That's very that's funny. I know we talked about that
all the time. Or like, do you see Joe reading
the read you other day? Wait, everyone calls me, Joe. Yeah,
what's on page three? Joe? Yeah? So you were persecuted
(06:08):
in your home country. Yeah. Yeah, they didn't like you
there either, either. M Oh yeah, no they didn't, they didn't,
they didn't. Can't wait to watch the big game today?
Oh yeah, yeah, that that I'm excited at about who's
going to win? Uh? Probably probably it's Church versus Skins, right, Yes,
(06:30):
I know you're a big Skins fan, so yes, I'm
going for shirts. Okay, Yeah, you want to put a
little wager on that? Sure, okay, sure, Um some of
those beads? Great? Great, Okay, maybe if you win, I'll
give you some beads. If I win, uh take the
rest of the Yeah, sure, why not, I mean it's
(06:53):
gonna happen. Regard. That's as good a deal as we've
made so far. Okay, great, are you thankful today? Uh? Sure,
I have my health, I have my family. I have
this too. Sorry, I don't mean not sneezed right in
my face? Do you feel that um, that that ominous
(07:18):
tone and the virus that has just entered your body? Yes?
I do? You see. I don't know what great I
in the sky you talked to. But you better talk
to me quickly before my virus infects your entire body.
Why would you do this? You invited me to a
party and then gave me a virus. I don't like
(07:38):
you much, Joe Egg, I think, is what I said. Yeah, Egg,
The truth is you're making a virus, making crazy smooth
here a little tough. What's up a voice? There's a
voice in my head. That turkey didn't look like a
try didn't, No, it did. That Durkey was like just
(08:02):
exactly like a hand. Are you crazy? Or is the
dude with the hand with the dirkey crazy? Man? He's crazy.
He's the one that's crazy. His nose cho cho, Your
nose is bleeding by his nose. I got I got
your nose, I got your nose in my mouth. Parties,
(08:29):
that's funny, you crazy? Happy? Thanksgiving? Hey, money money. Come here,
come here, look what I found. This is Joe's pipe.
Wha you want to You want to smoke it with me? Yeah?
He cands dinners and tan. Thanks mom, we'll be right there.
Thanks mob. I wish I had a little help in
(08:53):
the hut. But let's smoke it. They're always smoking it, Bruce,
what's going on? You just want to detach from everything
all the time, Lenny. This is gonna make us smarter.
Look how good they are. They're fast, they can catch deer.
That's smart to you. Yeah, it's real smart, like that's
a physical attribute that necessarily fine, you don't get anything.
(09:16):
Come on, don't say that that's my Bruce. Please, Lenny,
you're not taking this seriously. I want to be a warrior. Okay, great,
I'm here to hell. What can I do? Bruce? I mean, well,
we need fire? All right? This is this is going
so fast. First we're gonna smoke something. Now you want
to just go? How do you think we're gonna light
(09:38):
this pipe? Letny? Oh? Yeah, I guess you're right. Maybe
I do need to get a little smarter. See we
need to get some fire, okay, yeah, easy, get some flints,
some tinder, go to town. Well, here's the thing. I'm
afraid that if we get tinder and flint, it's gonna
be a big fire and everybody's can see. We need
something portable. We need a miterature your mache in minimature, minimum, minimature, miniature, miniature,
(10:04):
miniature fire machines. Say that again. I'm you're making fun
of me. Just one miniature fire machine, because if we
have a big bonfire, I'm not gonna like this pipe. Bruce,
I'm a mom. Mom. Somebody get into the maze. I
can't find it. Snack on the maze, I did it, Mom,
(10:26):
Oh Jesus, Bruise. Sorry, Sometimes I get lost in the maze.
See what I said there? Yeah, that was great. Maybe
these travelers from another land, Maybe maybe that's the future
that we're looking for. Listening. I don't want to blow
your mind, Lenny, but we are the travelers from Netherlands.
(10:49):
You get huffed off of whatever's in that pipe, and
you go down the road that I don't know it
is already paved, paved. Were's pa Rome romehead paved? Of
course they did. But here here, of course, and you
see things that might not be the things you want
to see. Because the things you thought you'd see. Okay,
(11:12):
your father's Oh my goodness, it's gonna huff. Oh you're
just gonna huff. I don't know a little secret. Come here,
Oh scream when you're in pain right in your lip.
Listened to me. You think this would be fun. It
would be fun to smoke dad's pipe. It would be
(11:34):
like the big guys. Yeah, yeah, it's got cool. You
want to know a little something. Your dad had a brother,
try you had an uncle. Reminded me a lot of you.
That one. It was built like you. And when he
was your age or size, well, it's with difference. He
(11:59):
got a hold of his death. That's right crawling there,
and you know what happened to him. He lit it
with a little mimiature fire. And then he went on
a journey and he was not prepared for and he hasn't.
(12:22):
So if you think you're ready to funk around with that,
you go ahead. But one of y'all won't come back,
and I bet it's going to be the fat one. Meanwhile,
set anyone help me in the kitchen. Okay, Mom, Bruce,
I can't hear you. Of course you'll talk later. We
live in the same room, a man from distant land,
(12:45):
man seeking something, man alone? What is this prophecy? M hmm.
I've been sitting out here in the desert land, the
desert of message that's right, waiting for the one with
the message. Uh I was I was sent here. You're fat,
(13:12):
well that big bone. It was written at the fat
man across the desert to bring the message. And now
the prophecy is fulfilled. Well, you need to give us
that message. So I did my face. Sorry, I just
gotta get a little something. Sorry, Now I feel like
(13:35):
like I have a little something. Uh what my bad
on that? Uh so what is this great message? Um?
I'm listening. Sorry, I wasn't clearing my throat. I just
so I'm a little under the weather. I feel also
under the weather. I mean we're all, we're always under
(13:59):
the weather. Don't do that to me. I mean specifically,
I don't feel well. You don't feel well. I don't
feel great either. Perhaps this is the prophecy. Perhaps the
message you were bringing was germs. Is that a message?
I'm taking it as a message. My nose is running,
(14:23):
my throat is sore, I feel aky, and I have
the chills. My vision is blurring. Do you hear that?
Is it a voice in your head? Oh? Great one,
speak to me, yes, speak to me voice. Oh it's
(14:49):
a knock knock joke? What's that? Who? Is this something
I learned from the colonists. Who's there? Lose their flues there?
So then you say flus there? Who? Okay, lose there? Who? Yeah,
(15:15):
you have the flu. I don't know if I get
the joke, but it was not so much. We take
you now quite a bit into the future from that
third thanks Giving anyways, we'll take you aboard this maiden voyage,
(15:40):
joining this brave crew three months into the first mission
to Mars Falcon Heavy. This is data processing. You can
just say your name at this point, Hey, Dan, here
were what's up? Uh? We have oxygen levels at nominal,
(16:03):
we are processing carbon at four above flex. The magnesium
is coming in hot, and we're gonna need another profile
on the metallurgy. I'll pull up the metallergy profile. How's
it going yet? I can hear your fingers typing my nails. Hey,
(16:24):
what happened with you in stand? Did you guys work
that out? Yeah? We we We're gonna use separate bathrooms. Okay,
that's good. Maybe you know, these are the things that
we're learning as we go along, the rules we have
to have. But you can't know until there's a scuffle. Right.
Data point nine four increasing on water levels. Dump the
(16:45):
water out to get the ice in, because we were
to make sure it's cool. Yeah, no, done, I just
have to press Betton for that. When that one was
an easy one. I can hear your type. Yeah, I
know it's my name. Yeah. Uh. Going to the thing tonight, Yeah,
the hat party. Oh no, I was talking to one
on the second floor, second floor, they're doing a mixer.
(17:06):
Oh oh, I think you have to be Jewish? Are
you do? No? Oh, never mind, I don't believe in God.
Another one in space. Now that we're in space, you
don't believe in God. It's so funny. I had the
exact opposite journey. I was sort of more culturally religious
than personally spiritual. And now I have flipped the script.
(17:29):
Something is real. This is batship what we're seeing. I
got a data chip burning up, needed to process up
four points back to this. Okay, you can get new
data chips if you just go to front office. Yeah,
but I'm like talking to you. Hey, Rochelle, Hey, listen. Um,
(17:49):
we love what you're doing here in the ship. Oh,
thank you. I'm having fun. I'm having fun, and that's
part of it, certainly. Yeah, I think there's a balance.
I think maybe perhaps not so so much fun because
it's still a job. Oh, I'm treating it as a job.
I mean, I'm just bringing my personality. That's what I
want to talk to you about. Okay, Well, I can't
(18:10):
undo my personality, Dylon. I mean, can you can you
do to tone it down? Well? The flirting with Dan specifically,
the floating with Dan specifically, Rochelle, you know what, Dylan
are you? Are you listening on the line. Yeah, I'm
listening on the line. It's a job. I'm the line
listener here in the ship. Well, guess what's that we
keep We keep it professional enough. I've got all the
(18:31):
checklist done. You can go through the spreadsheets and then
we're talking because we're still humans. We may be an
outer space, but a little human connection is important, Dylan.
Not that was we're innu windows on the checklist. Jeremiah,
thank you for coming down to the infirmary. How are
you feeling? Not great? Ah? You you don't look I
(18:52):
got explosive diarrhea. Jeremiah, we really need you to seclude
yourself to your dorm. Well, you're sick because it's spreading.
I'm not a scientist, you know I am. All right,
go ahead, go on. I was hired because I'm a
bounty hunter and a good one, and I'm supposed to
look for those goddamn martians. I know you are, and
(19:12):
you get a hundred per per martian you find. That's right.
You know how many I found so far? How many? Zero?
That's what I found. Now, if you just take three
or four days to yourself and your torm, put the
VR headset on, and then when you're done, you'll be fine.
And played all the VR games at this point, you're
just gonna have to run through them again because Mr
Musk would have a larger library of VR Jeremia, I'm
(19:35):
gonna cut straight with you. If you don't seclude yourself
what we call quarantine, I'm gonna have to eject you
into space. You're gonna eject me into space? What choice
do you give me. I'm taking a pod down to
the goddamn surface. Don't. I'm gonna bag me some margins. Listen,
don't take a pod that we don't just please if
(19:55):
then we're gonna have to clean that pot out. It's
gonna take three days to make sure it's safe. I'm fine.
The diary is succumb. Welcome to pots. We're not just
taking you down to the surface of Mars. We're taking
you into the future of this. We're now the third
week of the first station on Mars. Do you think
(20:17):
I give a ship about that? Okay, I'm pumping water
from outer space into here. Okay, don't give a ship Okay.
Can you guys keep it down? Yeah, yeah we can.
Will you shut up? May you look? When things are important,
we're gonna raise our voices. I don't give a ship
about the body count you keep bringing it. Okay. Look
(20:40):
all I know is I got a hundred per margin. Okay, yeah, Jeremiah,
is that you Yeah it's me. I knew it. I
can tell I saw one of those things outside, you know,
the margins. Yeah, if you could take care of that,
that would be great. All right. They're gonna try to
(21:02):
be friendly to you, but don't fall for it. Let
me talk to him. Please, handshake. Handshake. That's what talking.
It's not gonna smash it. Just give me a damn
kiss on the cheeks. Kiss on the cheeks, and they
learned from watching us. You're welcome, Thank you, we bring
(21:24):
I've got handy. Okay, okay, eat the candy. Let's the candy. Candy, Okay,
eat the candy, Eat the candy. Want to smoke my pipe? Sure,
let's all smoke the Pipelets all hit the pipe. Don't
fall for that. God, damn margin trick. Jeremy, Jeremy, God, dammit,
(21:45):
just one hand. You know what I'll do? Do go?
We want to watch okay one? Oh my, he's fallen
(22:06):
into a margin trance by by they learned him in
with their peace quote unquote pipe, and now they've left
him to us. I feel really relaxed. God, snap out
of it. You probably want to sit down and have
a dinner with these folks, eat their margin candy and
(22:29):
make peace. I love both of you guys so much.
Stop stop. I feel like I was too strong and
understanding bother points of view on this, and um ask
for forgiveness. Well he's really meatowed everything, Like fine, I
(22:49):
forgive you, I forgive you. I want to marry you.
Oh my, God, don't know. I don't want to marry you.
I know you're under the influence right now. And jeremiad
it tell a few like what's happening or not? What
I see that what plays out? I just wanted to say, Um,
I got on that Jang spaceship because I'd had enough
(23:12):
of Earth, and I thought I'd had enough of people too.
But about your touch, I don't know. Maybe it's candy,
it's taking it feels good. Nobody's touched me in months.
(23:33):
We're not on Earth anymore. Maybe we don't have to
abide by those laws if we're not listening to gravity.
Who says we have to listen to anything? But our
bodies can create our own God Here goddamn margin drink.
(23:56):
Taking the tenth anniversary of that first day and on
Mars ten years, I commemorate this statue for all the
men and women who have lost their lives for elon
Musk City one. You know I'm a city monk. Whoop,
who whoo, whoop, whoo, who whoo, whoo, whoo, whoop whoop.
(24:20):
Now to speak on behalf of the military exercises that
are ongoing, I present you, Admiral Spinned, thank you, thank
you for bringing me up here. We've got some serious
military exercises to do. It's important that we still excuse me,
(24:42):
whoo whoo, I hear, who's a city one? That's good.
We need to stomp out these goddamn Margins. I don't
know if you know him around, but they were splitting
a god damned margin drugs. Say again, I can't hear you.
I said that they went goddamn margin drugs and we've
(25:02):
got to stomp him ount it's not excuse me? What right? Hi? Hi?
Just so, let's I'll give a whoop up for the
Margin delegation that has come to celebrate the statue honoring
the death that they had caused. Hi, okay, that's I
(25:29):
am not letting them speak at the podium. If that's
what's going on, I'm here to destroy them. When does
the earth plane leave the ship? Listen? I didn't think
anybody would want to go back. I'm a military guy.
I'm here to crush, kill, destroy, I'm not here to
ascend you on your aviation trips. Let the Margins talk him.
(25:54):
Talk with their ruthless, bloodthirsty little beings that have smaller
podium for the Margins, please please just give him a
step stool. Mm hmmm, here's a little party. We are
the Margins, and we have an offering for you. All right,
(26:24):
whatever it is, let's let's see it. Oh my god,
have fully automatic weapons from the middle. Leave one survivor
to tell the story. It is minutes after the massive
(26:52):
stone was removed and it was discovered that Jesus Christ
was gone. He's gone, He's gone. He's not in the cave. Jesus.
I'm pretty sure he was just here a little bit ago.
He was when we put him in there. And just look, Carl,
let's go. Let's maybe he's deeper in the cave. Come
(27:13):
in here and take a look. It's so hard to see.
It's so dark. You got like a some sort of
fire device. I have a candle with that word. Yeah, sure,
it's like a candle. Yep. See, there's nobody in there.
Turn the lights off. Turn the lights off. What are
you doing? Taking a knap, Steve, I'm taking na. What's
(27:34):
the hell would you let Jesus out? But who won?
Jesus Christ was in here. We closed the stone. He
was in here. I opened the stone. Taking now, Steve,
we don't know if he got out on his own,
then well, yeah, we put him in here, is dead. Gone,
go back where we killed the guy. I understand, But
(27:56):
he said and kept saying, I'm coming back, I'm coming back. Well,
I tell you things all the time. I don't do it.
That's Steve. Yeah, but Steve is unreliable. I don't reliable.
You're unreliable. But we rolled the Christ, Jesus Christ. We
rolled the whole here. I don't know to three hours ago.
You know, I got Jessica at home, you know, she's yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
(28:20):
I can't find a good place to take a nap.
I needed some me time. I needed some Steve, think
you so you went into the game where we put
the dead body in Jesus Christ. You thought that would
be all right? Yeah, because the guy's dead. What's he
gonna say. He's not gonna say nothing. I was Jesus
in here when you came in. That's the question. I
was tired. I don't know I was. I wouldn't even look.
(28:42):
I moved a big old boulder by myself. By the way,
it's pretty good. That was hard. And so I just
came in. I said, I took a nap. I think
the point here is that Jesus is gone. I don't
think we should tell anybody what. Hey, guys, just checking's what.
He's fine, were good. This is our number one lockdown area.
And when I see the boulders moved, I'm a little work.
(29:04):
We were just taking a look around to make sure
was good. Where's the body? I'm sorry, Oh, where's the body?
The body of Jesus? Oh that a body that seems weird. Yeah,
it's really weird. What's going on? If you I moved him?
I moved him. I moved him. Oh okay, yeah, hears me.
(29:27):
I don't know if I'm in the right place. I'm
looking for Jesus's too, you know it, don't panic high
I'm the site manager, and you know what, We've actually
just transferred him to a different location, to different locations.
I was told this was the location, right right, right, welcome,
Thank you for staying at an airbnb nearby? All right,
(29:47):
I bet I know the one cute donkey. Yes it's nice.
It's a little overpriced, but you know that they provide
breakfast and it's very nice. They don't intrude when you sleep.
Oh no, they're not in your face anything. It's a
little pricey, but the mush is delicious, isn't it. You
have the much I had, the much have the much. Um.
(30:07):
So we've just transferred the body. Your pilgrimage shouldn't be
too long, um Steve, here's one of our technicians. Clear,
I could take you over to Okay, Jessica, Jessica, I
want one second alone? Jessica? Can I have one second?
(30:27):
Jessica finished singing. Okay, everybody, I think it's see it's
going to be a minute. I'm gonna take you over
to where the place you move a body, the new
secure location, the new secure location, and the US on purpose. Yeah, okay,
I mean you could all come if you want. I
(30:50):
get stuck to do. We're gonna stay here right there.
What do you What do you do? Bobby Webb, we
gotta secure this. Yeah no, no, no, no, you don't
need to scary Martin, there's nothing. Doesn't care anyway. I
feel like it's still a pretty important spot. Yeah. There's
gonna be people pilgrimaging in here. Yeah, the next guy,
the next Jude that comes along. Do you mind if
I ask, are you guys romans, are you a little
(31:11):
bit about Okay? We mingle now, okay, yeah, we got
how about you? You all the way? All the way?
I am the angel Gabriel. Oh what a game. I'm
gonna dance for a little bit. Watch my moves, the
(31:33):
body of hold on, are you feeling this ship? We
banged this in heaven all the fucking time. What Jessica,
come here? No Genitalia, so grind on me. But yes,
between you and I, I don't really, I don't. I
(31:56):
don't really I don't. I don't. I don't really know where?
Jeez what? Yeah, they don't. Don't. Don't see anything, don't
make a scene or anything. The same manager said he
was moved to another location. Right, let's just take a walk.
I'm sure we'll run into him. Okay, you're not gonna
crucify me. So that over there, that's a that's a bush.
Did your boy men spending a little change on a leaper?
(32:19):
Here we go, Here we go, cheers. I'm sorry anything
a little change for a leper? Huh? I spent so
much money on this Airbnb. I don't have any spare change.
It's all right. Just give a kiss. Don't do that,
don't don't, don't don't is that the local customer? I
don't want to. I don't want to spend anyone, but
you're gonna lose body. My nose is on your face.
(32:42):
Oh boy, his nose. You got his nose? I do
got your nose? He hey, a little bit before you go.
Did you see Jesus is playing a chance? If you're
talking about old man dressed in white clown and that
that old with holes in his hand and his feet
that part, yeah around he walking? Now maybe if I
(33:02):
hid a little pool. I remember one second? Here take
my house. Okay, all right, you just give that left
for the keys to your house. Your legs. Oh, he'll
never get there. Now we now take you one year later, Yes,
(33:30):
one a d Let's return to the same spot. Here
we are, guys, um, this is what the chore is
all about. This is where you're going to get the
bank for your coin. This is the cave. Yes, that
cage the man himself. Oh, don't touch anything. You can
draw the joodles you like, but please don't touch the cave.
(33:52):
Does anyone have any questions? I have a question. Yes,
you in the road. Where was Jesus when you found
him in here? Great that we put him in here.
That's the that's the funny thing where we put him
in here, so we wear in the cave on the
big slab. So they never found him. They never did
find him, but rumor has it that he ascended and
(34:16):
to he and sit it at the right hand, got
the father almighty. What's to do with his shroud? Oh?
That was his shrouded. That was the shroud. That's like
his faces on that not currently they make these shrouds
and turns. It's just a blanket, you know, rough cloth
we shrouded the body with. That's the one though. That's yes,
(34:38):
that is not a replica. That's the one. Why do
you look suspicious? Sir? There's other tours around town, but
I can assure you those are not the real caves.
This is the cave. That is the shroud. Welcome to
the real cave, everybody. Now, this is the real caveaictures, pictures,
go ahead, go ahead. We do work on tips. He
(35:00):
we do work on tips. Thank you so much. Okay,
you know what makes such the cave the real one? Okay, alright,
so first of all, it's authentic. Look at that. Look
at that. You see that slab over there, the slab,
you see that shroud, the shroud. That's Jesus just face
there in the shroud. Yeah, oh yeah, yeah. It's a
(35:22):
matter of fact, a lot of things in this neighborhood
have Jesus's face on it because I spent two gold
pieces of another cave and his face wasn't on there.
So which which goal cave? I mean, which cave the
Larry's Larry's cave. Yeah yeah, no, no, no, no, no, no, yeah. Yeah.
Those guys are just lying to you. I'm telling you
the truth, God's honest truth. And I could say that
because Jesus was here. It seems like this big boulders
(35:44):
made of something. It's it's not heavy at all. We
did not because people don't know. We didn't. Actually, they
didn't want to keep Jesus in here. They wanted to
make it easy for him to get out. I just
want to be absolutely sure this is the cave is
I also have I have appointment scheduled that famous race cave,
famous original Raise cave, original race. Come on, just raise cave.
(36:08):
This is this is the real one. You're here to
the real cave. Jesus fucking Christ. Yeah, everyone gets a
complimentary schwarma. Alright for the sandals, Jesus faces at all
these things. You see him on the schwarm he's on
(36:31):
the sand. You got a fucking rock band behind his
fucking Jane. That's Jesus and the fuck use baby ha.
What do point for question? Yeah, gonna get no onions
on that schwarma. Come on, the pre made man, the
complimentary right. I mean, we'll do the best we can.
But you know, hard is batter, not with the garlic paste.
(36:51):
But you put it right, Yeah, you know, we just
try it. We don't have a budget. Oh my god, us,
who are what do you worship? Greek gods could be
coming peace hand? Oh give me a little pray to
(37:17):
Poseidon and Zeus on you. Those are Greek gods. Give
me a kid, everybody, take one. Jesus Christ. Oh, I've
returned on the one anniversary. That's hilarious. Is that a
(37:42):
weapon of some kind? Oh? Yes, I want to talk
to the inhabitants, those that were here one year ago.
I don't think any of this saw crucifixion of mice,
which one of you might have helped to put me. Steve, Steve,
(38:06):
I mean, I was, I was, I was, I was
in the area. But we all we we all were
we were in the area, right, We're a big fan.
I was just a sight man, nothing to do with it.
It was on my property, but I had nothing to
do with it. Candice, I don't see you on the list.
Oh God, is that good? It is? Which one of
(38:28):
you seen Judy's well? I mean, I mean, you know,
except for the except for the leapon you hang out,
you also hang out with Oh yeah, okay, why are
you gonna bought my spot? That same? What is your name?
I'm sorry mine Clinton, but I also go by your Rufalis.
(38:49):
He made it that name for himself, but his name
is Clint. He said. It's not gonna stick man like
you're you're breaking yourself up when you say that name. Yeah,
it's a it's a family joke. That's Ryan. Would you
be Roman orould you m m hmm? I see Jesus,
canna ask you something? Yes, you may the Schwarmer. Is
(39:10):
it a lamb beef blend or you can I get
just a lamb Schwarmer? Yes, and we can have it
to you without thank you, Thank you Jesus. He is
the one. He probably Schwarmer without onions. Now, each one
of you can ask one question Okay, you've already you've
(39:34):
already had yours. Yeah, well one can we pool names?
That was my question, but we get to hear the
answer before we ask God. So that was a good one.
Thank you, clinic. I'm going with this new name. You're
such a follower. I follow love. I don't have a
lot of time. Yeah, yeah, I guess Steve. Yeah, we're good.
(40:00):
Ha we Steve always the jokes to find good for me,
won't you? Uh you know, yeah, you're not gonna my
father the Lord. Yeah, we all tight. We're good in
what sense? You know? Like, I'm gonna you guys are
gonnavite me over? I hang out with you guys when
(40:22):
I'm dead and whatnot. That's a great question. Thank you.
Anyone else please can take a while. Oh mine's kind
of an easy one. Um, so where do I start?
He's not wrong? Okay, okay, So just gonna preface this
(40:43):
with babies go to heaven. What age is the baby
not a baby? It becomes an adult who is responsible
for the beliefs Jesus. So the question is what ages?
What a what age? Is the baby not a baby?
And you held them accountable for the beliefs? Well a
baby's taken as he's sweating with Look, this takes time
(41:10):
to define. I follow up. I know I don't have
any more questions, but I do have a two year
old that's so child likes. He seems like a baby,
but he's bad sometimes. But he's just a baby. He
seems like baby. Well, I'm just trying. I'm just trying
to feel it's good. No, no, no, no, you know
when is a baby an actual being in the mother's womb. No, Steve,
(41:32):
you're an adult. Are you trying to find it out
for you? He's infantile, but he's all This is fantastic.
Lamb is so tender. It's just the right amount of
taking you on. It's always better without onion. Okay, okay, okay, yeah, um,
you're just the baby, not a baby. Question. No, what
was gonna ask that? Goddamn it. You know it's so
(41:53):
funny you should say that because I brought I brought
the big Man with me, Oh Clarence Clemens, Ladies and Jews,
the Lord our father. Oh hello children, Hi, hi, Hi,
(42:21):
I am the one true God. Do you go by
a guy in the sky? Your skin so sparkly? Thank you?
So I'm dazzled, and you have a lady's breasts. I
have taken a human form because you can understand it,
and a tail. I threw in a tail of ships
and giggles. Uh, my son, Jesus is the true Messiah.
(42:48):
I just want to be sure that you all know them.
We figured, Yeah, we took us a minute, but yes,
you've been following false gods for many years. Zeus, yes, Zeus? Uh,
the Roman equivalent Jupiter, not a h Posidon, the god
of the sea. Yes. Do you think that's a real guy?
(43:11):
It's all you, it's all me. So what does Jesus
do exactly? If that's all you? What's his job? Why
do you need him? Why do I need him? It
is I beside. You want to get crazy, Let's get
(43:38):
just let's dank all our alchemists, youall in no particular order. Vanessa,
what's up? Oh, I've coughed a lot of mucus into
theseier tissues. That'll all be on even Dynasty Typewriter. Oh yeah,
we're having so many great shows. Kevin was just here recently.
The website. People should go Kyna see typewriter dot com.
Check it out, join the Dynasty. Amazing show truly. We've
(44:01):
even got a little one of these noodles at the
table coming soon. That right, which, Joey, what do you got?
Check out Bear Supply every second and fourth Wednesday at
nine o'clock at Westside Comedy Theater and Um bring kisses
fair enough Greig Hail Poseidon, Lord of the Sea, and
at Craigslist peacast on Twitter to find out about the
(44:24):
Craigslist podcast fantastic. Not much shows here and there? Sure, yeah,
that's that, thank you. Could you be more general? No? No? Uh?
Can people find you on the social media? Sure, that's right.
At Chris Alvarado for pictures of me doing improv video?
(44:50):
Is there a calendar coming out? It's just translates best
to still photo. That's right. That's right. Mr James Heeney,
bring us, bring us home you. If you want to
see more material starring me, you can go to the
real James Seney on YouTube or in live in person.
Second fourth Wednesdays at the west Side Comedy Theater. Supply.
(45:10):
Nicely done, Raphael, We gotta give you a Mike Doug
bomb in the booth right to us at your name
here at Alchemy. This we'd love to hear from you
(45:33):
right to us as many suggestions as you'd like us
to perform and mix up. Ah yeah, that's it. That's
it for this episode. I want to thank all the
participants and until next time, Alchemy. That's
Welcome back to alchemy. That's I'm your host, Kevin Polly.
Yes that Kevin Polling was that na no no. To
be honest, I'd rather not. Please don't try to stay
with me throughout my career. I've been fortunate enough to
see my fair share of true out me. By definition,
alchemy is when a person transforms or creates something through
a seemingly magical process. And my dear peas and poops,
(00:27):
like I said, I've been witnessed to the stuff on
several occasions. An example, Sure, if you're going to be
like that, let's see. Okay, here's one. The team of
young scamps who portrayed a hockey team in the film
The Mighty Ducks were so delightful together they spawned an
actual professional hockey franchise. But I digress the point, folks,
A wonderful idea hit me square in the old nogg,
(00:48):
and what if I brought together the right creative peeps,
forced them to make ship up based on my own twisted,
demented ideas, and then offer a podcast of this seemingly
magical process, and I could call it alchemy in your eye,
you bucket of smaller buckets. Well after a bit of
title tankering. I'm so very proud to welcome you, dear
friends to another episode of Alchemy. This let's meet our
(01:12):
gathered alchemists, shall we, in no particular order to say hello?
Mr Craig Atkowsky. Creig, tell the folks why you believe
the earth is flat? I don't see it round, do you?
I just think just keeps going straight. You're not wrong.
Next up is the fairly talented Vanessa Raglan Vanessa. What's
(01:32):
the truth about child rearing? Nobody's talking about? You know?
The truth? Isle is not that cross that is clean.
What would a super team like this be without Mr
Chris Oberto, Hey Chris, hey? Can you conversely teaching young
dog old tricks? No, they'll be crazy crazy, that's correct.
(01:59):
And then of course there's Mr Joey Greer Greer Stini.
What is four times seventeen? Four times seventeen? Uh la? Last,
but hope you're a coffee's tepp it if you think
him least? Mr James Heeney, can I call you Jimmy
the jew Lover? Well? I think if I said no,
(02:22):
it would send the wrong idea. I'm sure. All right.
Then let's get to our first scene. Shall we open
them up? Oh no, no, no no. Today's show great
moments in human history. We start with in the Plymouth
colonists and the Wampanong Indians shared an autumn harvest feast
(02:46):
that is acknowledged today as the first Thanksgiving celebration in
the colonies. We take you now to a few years
later for the third Thanksgiving. Yeah, it's still pretty much
the same maze we did two years ago. But uh,
I didn't mean it like it was pouring. I meant
like I'm getting used to it and I like it. Good. Good.
We've added more salt and butter for your for your taste,
(03:09):
for your limited taste. Well that's well, that's the little rude. Wow,
that's good. That's good. Well, you coming to our land
was pretty rude. Yeah, I mean we went over this
last year and the year before that. It's like, you know,
we're good now. And that's just tradition. Yes, it's just tradition.
Rule of threes. Once said, something happens, third dimonds tradition.
That's right, that's right. Uh. Speaking of which, Um, speaking
(03:32):
of traditions, I made you this. This is a hand turkey. Um.
I put my hand on a piece of paper and
then I outline the hand and it's turkey and you
can eat that or oh no, no, it's for you
to hang on your wherever you live. Why would I
I I live in a hut. I didn't want to
say it. It It seems weird because I live in a house. Yes,
well my hunt as a house with a that route. Yeah,
(03:56):
that seems weird. But you can hang this. Why would
I do that? Um? If it you know, it brings
the holidays about it, lets you know we're having some fun.
To be honest, it doesn't look like a turkey. It
looks like a hand. You drew some feathers on it.
But yeah, yeah, yeah, okay, well you know maybe this
one won't stick. Look, before our families get here, I
(04:18):
want to make sure you and I are good. Are
we we We're good? Right? Uh? Well you did bring
a smallpox which has wiped out at least half of
my tribe. So I mean you're welcome. I mean I
guess other than that, we're good. Great. Great. Also, I
was wondering and like, I don't know if this is
too much, But before the families get here, can I
(04:38):
call you Joe? Uh? My name is ku Koye. That's like,
it's hard for me to say, and my wife doesn't
love say anything very it's just very easy to say. Joe, Hey, Joe,
let's stick to kukoye or cool? All right, Joe? If
you yeah, yeah, yeah, yea yea ya yeah. I gave
you a one syllable option. Yeah, I know, I know.
(05:03):
This feels this feels tense, This feels tense. It's come on.
It's the day to be thankful. I'm thankful for I'm
thankful for you, Joe. I'm thankful for this land. I'm
thankful for this wonderful food that you've prepared. I'm also
thankful for this land which is been amongst my people
for thousands of years. Here here here, here, here, here,
(05:23):
and now it's out'tly you've been here for two years? Yeah,
I don't know if it's our land so much. Oh,
it's God's land. I you know what. I agree. I agree.
God gave us this land and we are just using it.
I agree. Well, let's say the great being in the sky, okay,
which you call God? Yeah? Well, that's his name, that's
his that's his name. His name is God. Yeah, all right,
(05:46):
that's kind of a known thing. And I know you
probably don't. You don't read as much as I do.
It's kind of like the known thing. It's his name
is God. I read the sky, I read the trees.
That's very that's funny. I know we talked about that
all the time. Or like, do you see Joe reading
the read you other day? Wait, everyone calls me, Joe. Yeah,
what's on page three? Joe? Yeah? So you were persecuted
(06:08):
in your home country. Yeah. Yeah, they didn't like you
there either, either. M Oh yeah, no they didn't, they didn't,
they didn't. Can't wait to watch the big game today?
Oh yeah, yeah, that that I'm excited at about who's
going to win? Uh? Probably probably it's Church versus Skins, right, Yes,
(06:30):
I know you're a big Skins fan, so yes, I'm
going for shirts. Okay, Yeah, you want to put a
little wager on that? Sure, okay, sure, Um some of
those beads? Great? Great, Okay, maybe if you win, I'll
give you some beads. If I win, uh take the
rest of the Yeah, sure, why not, I mean it's
(06:53):
gonna happen. Regard. That's as good a deal as we've
made so far. Okay, great, are you thankful today? Uh? Sure,
I have my health, I have my family. I have
this too. Sorry, I don't mean not sneezed right in
my face? Do you feel that um, that that ominous
(07:18):
tone and the virus that has just entered your body? Yes?
I do? You see. I don't know what great I
in the sky you talked to. But you better talk
to me quickly before my virus infects your entire body.
Why would you do this? You invited me to a
party and then gave me a virus. I don't like
(07:38):
you much, Joe Egg, I think, is what I said. Yeah, Egg,
The truth is you're making a virus, making crazy smooth
here a little tough. What's up a voice? There's a
voice in my head. That turkey didn't look like a
try didn't, No, it did. That Durkey was like just
(08:02):
exactly like a hand. Are you crazy? Or is the
dude with the hand with the dirkey crazy? Man? He's crazy.
He's the one that's crazy. His nose cho cho, Your
nose is bleeding by his nose. I got I got
your nose, I got your nose in my mouth. Parties,
(08:29):
that's funny, you crazy? Happy? Thanksgiving? Hey, money money. Come here,
come here, look what I found. This is Joe's pipe.
Wha you want to You want to smoke it with me? Yeah?
He cands dinners and tan. Thanks mom, we'll be right there.
Thanks mob. I wish I had a little help in
(08:53):
the hut. But let's smoke it. They're always smoking it, Bruce,
what's going on? You just want to detach from everything
all the time, Lenny. This is gonna make us smarter.
Look how good they are. They're fast, they can catch deer.
That's smart to you. Yeah, it's real smart, like that's
a physical attribute that necessarily fine, you don't get anything.
(09:16):
Come on, don't say that that's my Bruce. Please, Lenny,
you're not taking this seriously. I want to be a warrior. Okay, great,
I'm here to hell. What can I do? Bruce? I mean, well,
we need fire? All right? This is this is going
so fast. First we're gonna smoke something. Now you want
to just go? How do you think we're gonna light
(09:38):
this pipe? Letny? Oh? Yeah, I guess you're right. Maybe
I do need to get a little smarter. See we
need to get some fire, okay, yeah, easy, get some flints,
some tinder, go to town. Well, here's the thing. I'm
afraid that if we get tinder and flint, it's gonna
be a big fire and everybody's can see. We need
something portable. We need a miterature your mache in minimature, minimum, minimature, miniature, miniature,
(10:04):
miniature fire machines. Say that again. I'm you're making fun
of me. Just one miniature fire machine, because if we
have a big bonfire, I'm not gonna like this pipe. Bruce,
I'm a mom. Mom. Somebody get into the maze. I
can't find it. Snack on the maze, I did it, Mom,
(10:26):
Oh Jesus, Bruise. Sorry, Sometimes I get lost in the maze.
See what I said there? Yeah, that was great. Maybe
these travelers from another land, Maybe maybe that's the future
that we're looking for. Listening. I don't want to blow
your mind, Lenny, but we are the travelers from Netherlands.
(10:49):
You get huffed off of whatever's in that pipe, and
you go down the road that I don't know it
is already paved, paved. Were's pa Rome romehead paved? Of
course they did. But here here, of course, and you
see things that might not be the things you want
to see. Because the things you thought you'd see. Okay,
(11:12):
your father's Oh my goodness, it's gonna huff. Oh you're
just gonna huff. I don't know a little secret. Come here,
Oh scream when you're in pain right in your lip.
Listened to me. You think this would be fun. It
would be fun to smoke dad's pipe. It would be
(11:34):
like the big guys. Yeah, yeah, it's got cool. You
want to know a little something. Your dad had a brother,
try you had an uncle. Reminded me a lot of you.
That one. It was built like you. And when he
was your age or size, well, it's with difference. He
(11:59):
got a hold of his death. That's right crawling there,
and you know what happened to him. He lit it
with a little mimiature fire. And then he went on
a journey and he was not prepared for and he hasn't.
(12:22):
So if you think you're ready to funk around with that,
you go ahead. But one of y'all won't come back,
and I bet it's going to be the fat one. Meanwhile,
set anyone help me in the kitchen. Okay, Mom, Bruce,
I can't hear you. Of course you'll talk later. We
live in the same room, a man from distant land,
(12:45):
man seeking something, man alone? What is this prophecy? M hmm.
I've been sitting out here in the desert land, the
desert of message that's right, waiting for the one with
the message. Uh I was I was sent here. You're fat,
(13:12):
well that big bone. It was written at the fat
man across the desert to bring the message. And now
the prophecy is fulfilled. Well, you need to give us
that message. So I did my face. Sorry, I just
gotta get a little something. Sorry, Now I feel like
(13:35):
like I have a little something. Uh what my bad
on that? Uh so what is this great message? Um?
I'm listening. Sorry, I wasn't clearing my throat. I just
so I'm a little under the weather. I feel also
under the weather. I mean we're all, we're always under
(13:59):
the weather. Don't do that to me. I mean specifically,
I don't feel well. You don't feel well. I don't
feel great either. Perhaps this is the prophecy. Perhaps the
message you were bringing was germs. Is that a message?
I'm taking it as a message. My nose is running,
(14:23):
my throat is sore, I feel aky, and I have
the chills. My vision is blurring. Do you hear that?
Is it a voice in your head? Oh? Great one,
speak to me, yes, speak to me voice. Oh it's
(14:49):
a knock knock joke? What's that? Who? Is this something
I learned from the colonists. Who's there? Lose their flues there?
So then you say flus there? Who? Okay, lose there? Who? Yeah,
(15:15):
you have the flu. I don't know if I get
the joke, but it was not so much. We take
you now quite a bit into the future from that
third thanks Giving anyways, we'll take you aboard this maiden voyage,
(15:40):
joining this brave crew three months into the first mission
to Mars Falcon Heavy. This is data processing. You can
just say your name at this point, Hey, Dan, here
were what's up? Uh? We have oxygen levels at nominal,
(16:03):
we are processing carbon at four above flex. The magnesium
is coming in hot, and we're gonna need another profile
on the metallurgy. I'll pull up the metallergy profile. How's
it going yet? I can hear your fingers typing my nails. Hey,
(16:24):
what happened with you in stand? Did you guys work
that out? Yeah? We we We're gonna use separate bathrooms. Okay,
that's good. Maybe you know, these are the things that
we're learning as we go along, the rules we have
to have. But you can't know until there's a scuffle. Right.
Data point nine four increasing on water levels. Dump the
(16:45):
water out to get the ice in, because we were
to make sure it's cool. Yeah, no, done, I just
have to press Betton for that. When that one was
an easy one. I can hear your type. Yeah, I
know it's my name. Yeah. Uh. Going to the thing tonight, Yeah,
the hat party. Oh no, I was talking to one
on the second floor, second floor, they're doing a mixer.
(17:06):
Oh oh, I think you have to be Jewish? Are
you do? No? Oh, never mind, I don't believe in God.
Another one in space. Now that we're in space, you
don't believe in God. It's so funny. I had the
exact opposite journey. I was sort of more culturally religious
than personally spiritual. And now I have flipped the script.
(17:29):
Something is real. This is batship what we're seeing. I
got a data chip burning up, needed to process up
four points back to this. Okay, you can get new
data chips if you just go to front office. Yeah,
but I'm like talking to you. Hey, Rochelle, Hey, listen. Um,
(17:49):
we love what you're doing here in the ship. Oh,
thank you. I'm having fun. I'm having fun, and that's
part of it, certainly. Yeah, I think there's a balance.
I think maybe perhaps not so so much fun because
it's still a job. Oh, I'm treating it as a job.
I mean, I'm just bringing my personality. That's what I
want to talk to you about. Okay, Well, I can't
(18:10):
undo my personality, Dylon. I mean, can you can you
do to tone it down? Well? The flirting with Dan specifically,
the floating with Dan specifically, Rochelle, you know what, Dylan
are you? Are you listening on the line. Yeah, I'm
listening on the line. It's a job. I'm the line
listener here in the ship. Well, guess what's that we
keep We keep it professional enough. I've got all the
(18:31):
checklist done. You can go through the spreadsheets and then
we're talking because we're still humans. We may be an
outer space, but a little human connection is important, Dylan.
Not that was we're innu windows on the checklist. Jeremiah,
thank you for coming down to the infirmary. How are
you feeling? Not great? Ah? You you don't look I
(18:52):
got explosive diarrhea. Jeremiah, we really need you to seclude
yourself to your dorm. Well, you're sick because it's spreading.
I'm not a scientist, you know I am. All right,
go ahead, go on. I was hired because I'm a
bounty hunter and a good one, and I'm supposed to
look for those goddamn martians. I know you are, and
(19:12):
you get a hundred per per martian you find. That's right.
You know how many I found so far? How many? Zero?
That's what I found. Now, if you just take three
or four days to yourself and your torm, put the
VR headset on, and then when you're done, you'll be fine.
And played all the VR games at this point, you're
just gonna have to run through them again because Mr
Musk would have a larger library of VR Jeremia, I'm
(19:35):
gonna cut straight with you. If you don't seclude yourself
what we call quarantine, I'm gonna have to eject you
into space. You're gonna eject me into space? What choice
do you give me. I'm taking a pod down to
the goddamn surface. Don't. I'm gonna bag me some margins. Listen,
don't take a pod that we don't just please if
(19:55):
then we're gonna have to clean that pot out. It's
gonna take three days to make sure it's safe. I'm fine.
The diary is succumb. Welcome to pots. We're not just
taking you down to the surface of Mars. We're taking
you into the future of this. We're now the third
week of the first station on Mars. Do you think
(20:17):
I give a ship about that? Okay, I'm pumping water
from outer space into here. Okay, don't give a ship Okay.
Can you guys keep it down? Yeah, yeah we can.
Will you shut up? May you look? When things are important,
we're gonna raise our voices. I don't give a ship
about the body count you keep bringing it. Okay. Look
(20:40):
all I know is I got a hundred per margin. Okay, yeah, Jeremiah,
is that you Yeah it's me. I knew it. I
can tell I saw one of those things outside, you know,
the margins. Yeah, if you could take care of that,
that would be great. All right. They're gonna try to
(21:02):
be friendly to you, but don't fall for it. Let
me talk to him. Please, handshake. Handshake. That's what talking.
It's not gonna smash it. Just give me a damn
kiss on the cheeks. Kiss on the cheeks, and they
learned from watching us. You're welcome, Thank you, we bring
(21:24):
I've got handy. Okay, okay, eat the candy. Let's the candy. Candy, Okay,
eat the candy, Eat the candy. Want to smoke my pipe? Sure,
let's all smoke the Pipelets all hit the pipe. Don't
fall for that. God, damn margin trick. Jeremy, Jeremy, God, dammit,
(21:45):
just one hand. You know what I'll do? Do go?
We want to watch okay one? Oh my, he's fallen
(22:06):
into a margin trance by by they learned him in
with their peace quote unquote pipe, and now they've left
him to us. I feel really relaxed. God, snap out
of it. You probably want to sit down and have
a dinner with these folks, eat their margin candy and
(22:29):
make peace. I love both of you guys so much.
Stop stop. I feel like I was too strong and
understanding bother points of view on this, and um ask
for forgiveness. Well he's really meatowed everything, Like fine, I
(22:49):
forgive you, I forgive you. I want to marry you.
Oh my, God, don't know. I don't want to marry you.
I know you're under the influence right now. And jeremiad
it tell a few like what's happening or not? What
I see that what plays out? I just wanted to say, Um,
I got on that Jang spaceship because I'd had enough
(23:12):
of Earth, and I thought I'd had enough of people too.
But about your touch, I don't know. Maybe it's candy,
it's taking it feels good. Nobody's touched me in months.
(23:33):
We're not on Earth anymore. Maybe we don't have to
abide by those laws if we're not listening to gravity.
Who says we have to listen to anything? But our
bodies can create our own God Here goddamn margin drink.
(23:56):
Taking the tenth anniversary of that first day and on
Mars ten years, I commemorate this statue for all the
men and women who have lost their lives for elon
Musk City one. You know I'm a city monk. Whoop,
who whoo, whoop, whoo, who whoo, whoo, whoo, whoop whoop.
(24:20):
Now to speak on behalf of the military exercises that
are ongoing, I present you, Admiral Spinned, thank you, thank
you for bringing me up here. We've got some serious
military exercises to do. It's important that we still excuse me,
(24:42):
whoo whoo, I hear, who's a city one? That's good.
We need to stomp out these goddamn Margins. I don't
know if you know him around, but they were splitting
a god damned margin drugs. Say again, I can't hear you.
I said that they went goddamn margin drugs and we've
(25:02):
got to stomp him ount it's not excuse me? What right? Hi? Hi?
Just so, let's I'll give a whoop up for the
Margin delegation that has come to celebrate the statue honoring
the death that they had caused. Hi, okay, that's I
(25:29):
am not letting them speak at the podium. If that's
what's going on, I'm here to destroy them. When does
the earth plane leave the ship? Listen? I didn't think
anybody would want to go back. I'm a military guy.
I'm here to crush, kill, destroy, I'm not here to
ascend you on your aviation trips. Let the Margins talk him.
(25:54):
Talk with their ruthless, bloodthirsty little beings that have smaller
podium for the Margins, please please just give him a
step stool. Mm hmmm, here's a little party. We are
the Margins, and we have an offering for you. All right,
(26:24):
whatever it is, let's let's see it. Oh my god,
have fully automatic weapons from the middle. Leave one survivor
to tell the story. It is minutes after the massive
(26:52):
stone was removed and it was discovered that Jesus Christ
was gone. He's gone, He's gone. He's not in the cave. Jesus.
I'm pretty sure he was just here a little bit ago.
He was when we put him in there. And just look, Carl,
let's go. Let's maybe he's deeper in the cave. Come
(27:13):
in here and take a look. It's so hard to see.
It's so dark. You got like a some sort of
fire device. I have a candle with that word. Yeah, sure,
it's like a candle. Yep. See, there's nobody in there.
Turn the lights off. Turn the lights off. What are
you doing? Taking a knap, Steve, I'm taking na. What's
(27:34):
the hell would you let Jesus out? But who won?
Jesus Christ was in here. We closed the stone. He
was in here. I opened the stone. Taking now, Steve,
we don't know if he got out on his own,
then well, yeah, we put him in here, is dead. Gone,
go back where we killed the guy. I understand, But
(27:56):
he said and kept saying, I'm coming back, I'm coming back. Well,
I tell you things all the time. I don't do it.
That's Steve. Yeah, but Steve is unreliable. I don't reliable.
You're unreliable. But we rolled the Christ, Jesus Christ. We
rolled the whole here. I don't know to three hours ago.
You know, I got Jessica at home, you know, she's yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
(28:20):
I can't find a good place to take a nap.
I needed some me time. I needed some Steve, think
you so you went into the game where we put
the dead body in Jesus Christ. You thought that would
be all right? Yeah, because the guy's dead. What's he
gonna say. He's not gonna say nothing. I was Jesus
in here when you came in. That's the question. I
was tired. I don't know I was. I wouldn't even look.
(28:42):
I moved a big old boulder by myself. By the way,
it's pretty good. That was hard. And so I just
came in. I said, I took a nap. I think
the point here is that Jesus is gone. I don't
think we should tell anybody what. Hey, guys, just checking's what.
He's fine, were good. This is our number one lockdown area.
And when I see the boulders moved, I'm a little work.
(29:04):
We were just taking a look around to make sure
was good. Where's the body? I'm sorry, Oh, where's the body?
The body of Jesus? Oh that a body that seems weird. Yeah,
it's really weird. What's going on? If you I moved him?
I moved him. I moved him. Oh okay, yeah, hears me.
(29:27):
I don't know if I'm in the right place. I'm
looking for Jesus's too, you know it, don't panic high
I'm the site manager, and you know what, We've actually
just transferred him to a different location, to different locations.
I was told this was the location, right right, right, welcome,
Thank you for staying at an airbnb nearby? All right,
(29:47):
I bet I know the one cute donkey. Yes it's nice.
It's a little overpriced, but you know that they provide
breakfast and it's very nice. They don't intrude when you sleep.
Oh no, they're not in your face anything. It's a
little pricey, but the mush is delicious, isn't it. You
have the much I had, the much have the much. Um.
(30:07):
So we've just transferred the body. Your pilgrimage shouldn't be
too long, um Steve, here's one of our technicians. Clear,
I could take you over to Okay, Jessica, Jessica, I
want one second alone? Jessica? Can I have one second?
(30:27):
Jessica finished singing. Okay, everybody, I think it's see it's
going to be a minute. I'm gonna take you over
to where the place you move a body, the new
secure location, the new secure location, and the US on purpose. Yeah, okay,
I mean you could all come if you want. I
(30:50):
get stuck to do. We're gonna stay here right there.
What do you What do you do? Bobby Webb, we
gotta secure this. Yeah no, no, no, no, you don't
need to scary Martin, there's nothing. Doesn't care anyway. I
feel like it's still a pretty important spot. Yeah. There's
gonna be people pilgrimaging in here. Yeah, the next guy,
the next Jude that comes along. Do you mind if
I ask, are you guys romans, are you a little
(31:11):
bit about Okay? We mingle now, okay, yeah, we got
how about you? You all the way? All the way?
I am the angel Gabriel. Oh what a game. I'm
gonna dance for a little bit. Watch my moves, the
(31:33):
body of hold on, are you feeling this ship? We
banged this in heaven all the fucking time. What Jessica,
come here? No Genitalia, so grind on me. But yes,
between you and I, I don't really, I don't. I
(31:56):
don't really I don't. I don't. I don't really know where?
Jeez what? Yeah, they don't. Don't. Don't see anything, don't
make a scene or anything. The same manager said he
was moved to another location. Right, let's just take a walk.
I'm sure we'll run into him. Okay, you're not gonna
crucify me. So that over there, that's a that's a bush.
Did your boy men spending a little change on a leaper?
(32:19):
Here we go, Here we go, cheers. I'm sorry anything
a little change for a leper? Huh? I spent so
much money on this Airbnb. I don't have any spare change.
It's all right. Just give a kiss. Don't do that,
don't don't, don't don't is that the local customer? I
don't want to. I don't want to spend anyone, but
you're gonna lose body. My nose is on your face.
(32:42):
Oh boy, his nose. You got his nose? I do
got your nose? He hey, a little bit before you go.
Did you see Jesus is playing a chance? If you're
talking about old man dressed in white clown and that
that old with holes in his hand and his feet
that part, yeah around he walking? Now maybe if I
(33:02):
hid a little pool. I remember one second? Here take
my house. Okay, all right, you just give that left
for the keys to your house. Your legs. Oh, he'll
never get there. Now we now take you one year later, Yes,
(33:30):
one a d Let's return to the same spot. Here
we are, guys, um, this is what the chore is
all about. This is where you're going to get the
bank for your coin. This is the cave. Yes, that
cage the man himself. Oh, don't touch anything. You can
draw the joodles you like, but please don't touch the cave.
(33:52):
Does anyone have any questions? I have a question. Yes,
you in the road. Where was Jesus when you found
him in here? Great that we put him in here.
That's the that's the funny thing where we put him
in here, so we wear in the cave on the
big slab. So they never found him. They never did
find him, but rumor has it that he ascended and
(34:16):
to he and sit it at the right hand, got
the father almighty. What's to do with his shroud? Oh?
That was his shrouded. That was the shroud. That's like
his faces on that not currently they make these shrouds
and turns. It's just a blanket, you know, rough cloth
we shrouded the body with. That's the one though. That's yes,
(34:38):
that is not a replica. That's the one. Why do
you look suspicious? Sir? There's other tours around town, but
I can assure you those are not the real caves.
This is the cave. That is the shroud. Welcome to
the real cave, everybody. Now, this is the real caveaictures, pictures,
go ahead, go ahead. We do work on tips. He
(35:00):
we do work on tips. Thank you so much. Okay,
you know what makes such the cave the real one? Okay, alright,
so first of all, it's authentic. Look at that. Look
at that. You see that slab over there, the slab,
you see that shroud, the shroud. That's Jesus just face
there in the shroud. Yeah, oh yeah, yeah. It's a
(35:22):
matter of fact, a lot of things in this neighborhood
have Jesus's face on it because I spent two gold
pieces of another cave and his face wasn't on there.
So which which goal cave? I mean, which cave the
Larry's Larry's cave. Yeah yeah, no, no, no, no, no, no, yeah. Yeah.
Those guys are just lying to you. I'm telling you
the truth, God's honest truth. And I could say that
because Jesus was here. It seems like this big boulders
(35:44):
made of something. It's it's not heavy at all. We
did not because people don't know. We didn't. Actually, they
didn't want to keep Jesus in here. They wanted to
make it easy for him to get out. I just
want to be absolutely sure this is the cave is
I also have I have appointment scheduled that famous race cave,
famous original Raise cave, original race. Come on, just raise cave.
(36:08):
This is this is the real one. You're here to
the real cave. Jesus fucking Christ. Yeah, everyone gets a
complimentary schwarma. Alright for the sandals, Jesus faces at all
these things. You see him on the schwarm he's on
(36:31):
the sand. You got a fucking rock band behind his
fucking Jane. That's Jesus and the fuck use baby ha.
What do point for question? Yeah, gonna get no onions
on that schwarma. Come on, the pre made man, the
complimentary right. I mean, we'll do the best we can.
But you know, hard is batter, not with the garlic paste.
(36:51):
But you put it right, Yeah, you know, we just
try it. We don't have a budget. Oh my god, us,
who are what do you worship? Greek gods could be
coming peace hand? Oh give me a little pray to
(37:17):
Poseidon and Zeus on you. Those are Greek gods. Give
me a kid, everybody, take one. Jesus Christ. Oh, I've
returned on the one anniversary. That's hilarious. Is that a
(37:42):
weapon of some kind? Oh? Yes, I want to talk
to the inhabitants, those that were here one year ago.
I don't think any of this saw crucifixion of mice,
which one of you might have helped to put me. Steve, Steve,
(38:06):
I mean, I was, I was, I was, I was
in the area. But we all we we all were
we were in the area, right, We're a big fan.
I was just a sight man, nothing to do with it.
It was on my property, but I had nothing to
do with it. Candice, I don't see you on the list.
Oh God, is that good? It is? Which one of
(38:28):
you seen Judy's well? I mean, I mean, you know,
except for the except for the leapon you hang out,
you also hang out with Oh yeah, okay, why are
you gonna bought my spot? That same? What is your name?
I'm sorry mine Clinton, but I also go by your Rufalis.
(38:49):
He made it that name for himself, but his name
is Clint. He said. It's not gonna stick man like
you're you're breaking yourself up when you say that name. Yeah,
it's a it's a family joke. That's Ryan. Would you
be Roman orould you m m hmm? I see Jesus,
canna ask you something? Yes, you may the Schwarmer. Is
(39:10):
it a lamb beef blend or you can I get
just a lamb Schwarmer? Yes, and we can have it
to you without thank you, Thank you Jesus. He is
the one. He probably Schwarmer without onions. Now, each one
of you can ask one question Okay, you've already you've
(39:34):
already had yours. Yeah, well one can we pool names?
That was my question, but we get to hear the
answer before we ask God. So that was a good one.
Thank you, clinic. I'm going with this new name. You're
such a follower. I follow love. I don't have a
lot of time. Yeah, yeah, I guess Steve. Yeah, we're good.
(40:00):
Ha we Steve always the jokes to find good for me,
won't you? Uh you know, yeah, you're not gonna my
father the Lord. Yeah, we all tight. We're good in
what sense? You know? Like, I'm gonna you guys are
gonnavite me over? I hang out with you guys when
(40:22):
I'm dead and whatnot. That's a great question. Thank you.
Anyone else please can take a while. Oh mine's kind
of an easy one. Um, so where do I start?
He's not wrong? Okay, okay, So just gonna preface this
(40:43):
with babies go to heaven. What age is the baby
not a baby? It becomes an adult who is responsible
for the beliefs Jesus. So the question is what ages?
What a what age? Is the baby not a baby?
And you held them accountable for the beliefs? Well a
baby's taken as he's sweating with Look, this takes time
(41:10):
to define. I follow up. I know I don't have
any more questions, but I do have a two year
old that's so child likes. He seems like a baby,
but he's bad sometimes. But he's just a baby. He
seems like baby. Well, I'm just trying. I'm just trying
to feel it's good. No, no, no, no, you know
when is a baby an actual being in the mother's womb. No, Steve,
(41:32):
you're an adult. Are you trying to find it out
for you? He's infantile, but he's all This is fantastic.
Lamb is so tender. It's just the right amount of
taking you on. It's always better without onion. Okay, okay, okay, yeah, um,
you're just the baby, not a baby. Question. No, what
was gonna ask that? Goddamn it. You know it's so
(41:53):
funny you should say that because I brought I brought
the big Man with me, Oh Clarence Clemens, Ladies and Jews,
the Lord our father. Oh hello children, Hi, hi, Hi,
(42:21):
I am the one true God. Do you go by
a guy in the sky? Your skin so sparkly? Thank you?
So I'm dazzled, and you have a lady's breasts. I
have taken a human form because you can understand it,
and a tail. I threw in a tail of ships
and giggles. Uh, my son, Jesus is the true Messiah.
(42:48):
I just want to be sure that you all know them.
We figured, Yeah, we took us a minute, but yes,
you've been following false gods for many years. Zeus, yes, Zeus? Uh,
the Roman equivalent Jupiter, not a h Posidon, the god
of the sea. Yes. Do you think that's a real guy?
(43:11):
It's all you, it's all me. So what does Jesus
do exactly? If that's all you? What's his job? Why
do you need him? Why do I need him? It
is I beside. You want to get crazy, Let's get
(43:38):
just let's dank all our alchemists, youall in no particular order. Vanessa,
what's up? Oh, I've coughed a lot of mucus into
theseier tissues. That'll all be on even Dynasty Typewriter. Oh yeah,
we're having so many great shows. Kevin was just here recently.
The website. People should go Kyna see typewriter dot com.
Check it out, join the Dynasty. Amazing show truly. We've
(44:01):
even got a little one of these noodles at the
table coming soon. That right, which, Joey, what do you got?
Check out Bear Supply every second and fourth Wednesday at
nine o'clock at Westside Comedy Theater and Um bring kisses
fair enough Greig Hail Poseidon, Lord of the Sea, and
at Craigslist peacast on Twitter to find out about the
(44:24):
Craigslist podcast fantastic. Not much shows here and there? Sure, yeah,
that's that, thank you. Could you be more general? No? No? Uh?
Can people find you on the social media? Sure, that's right.
At Chris Alvarado for pictures of me doing improv video?
(44:50):
Is there a calendar coming out? It's just translates best
to still photo. That's right. That's right. Mr James Heeney,
bring us, bring us home you. If you want to
see more material starring me, you can go to the
real James Seney on YouTube or in live in person.
Second fourth Wednesdays at the west Side Comedy Theater. Supply.
(45:10):
Nicely done, Raphael, We gotta give you a Mike Doug
bomb in the booth right to us at your name
here at Alchemy. This we'd love to hear from you
(45:33):
right to us as many suggestions as you'd like us
to perform and mix up. Ah yeah, that's it. That's
it for this episode. I want to thank all the
participants and until next time, Alchemy. That's
Alchemy This News
Host
Kevin Pollak
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