September 13, 2024 • 52 mins
Welcome back to A Slice of Empathy podcast. Today we have a very special guest, Pete Cruz, who shares his deeply personal journey of healing and recovery through his powerful memoir, No Tears for Dad, My Path to Forgiveness. This book takes readers through Pete's experiences with childhood trauma and how he found solace and strength through his faith.
Raised in Milpitas, California, Pete holds a bachelor's degree in English from California State University, Sacramento. He has made significant contributions to adult education as a trainer and consultant for the state of California, and is also an award-winning short story writer, editor, and speaker.
In this episode, Pete opens up about his struggles with depression, PTSD, anger management, and chronic pain, challenges that many survivors of trauma will relate to. He discusses the impact of his father's abusive behavior, his journey to forgiveness, and how his faith helped him find a path to peace. Pete's story offers hope and inspiration to those on their own journey of recovery.
Join us as we dive into Pete's story, discuss his journey, and learn valuable insights about forgiveness, healing, and the power of faith. Don't miss this heartfelt and inspiring conversation.
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/PeteCruzAuthor
Instagram: @petecruzauthor
Email: pete@petecruz.com
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Episode Transcript
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(00:04):
Welcome back to A Slice of Empathy podcast. Today we have a very special guest
who is Pete Cruz, and he'll be sharing his deeply personal journey of healing
and recovery through his powerful memoir,
No Tears for Dad, My Path to Forgiveness.
This book will take readers through Pete's experiences with childhood trauma
and how he found solace and strength through his heavenly father.
(00:28):
His story of perseverance and resilience, navigating the complexities of adult
life while battling depression, PTSD,
anger management, chronic pain, fears of failure and abandonment,
challenges that many survivors of trauma and our listeners will relate to.
But Pete's path to forgiveness and healing will offer hope to those who are
(00:52):
just starting their own recovery or have already walked down that path.
Raised in Milpitas, California, Pete holds a bachelor's degree in English from
the California State University, Sacramento, and has made significant contributions
to adult education as a trainer and consultant for the state of California.
He's also an award-winning short story writer, editor, and speaker who has participated
(01:16):
in numerous writers' panels, talks, and workshops.
I'm so excited to dive into Pete's story, discuss his journey,
and learn how his faith helped him find a path to forgiveness.
Let's welcome Pete Cruz to the show. So I'm super excited to have you join me today.
I had the privilege of, of course, reading your book before it officially came out.
(01:39):
But let's start off. If you could tell us a little a bit about your book,
what motivated you to write it. We can start from there.
My book is basically a memoir of my life,
and it details a difficult childhood and how I basically survived and came out
of it and turned out to be an all right person in the end.
(02:02):
So what motivated me to write it was basically my daughter. I come from an abusive,
severely abusive, physically, mentally abusive background.
And my daughter had to grow up with someone like me who was depressed and angry.
(02:24):
And I knew someday I had to write it because I wanted her to understand that
despite everything that happened, I tried my best to be a good father.
And it didn't mean, it tried not
to be the way I was, but it was the only thing I knew from how I grew up.
(02:49):
Because my own father was an angry man and that's all I knew.
And that's how my daughter grew up with me. And so I wrote it for my daughter. I love that.
Can you describe maybe some of the impact of your father's abusive behavior
and maybe one of the earliest memories that you included in your book and maybe
(03:10):
how it kind of set that tone for your childhood?
One of the early scenes in my book was I was maybe four or five years old and we lived on a farm.
And one of my daily duties was to feed the chickens.
And we had a chicken coop and my dad would escort me out to the chicken coop.
(03:33):
And he'd open the door to the coop and pose it in after me. and the smell of
chicken poop was strong and the chickens were in a frenzy.
So it was really noisy.
But in the back of the coop was a rooster and he was the king of the roost.
(03:58):
And every day I'd walk in, he would just stare at me.
And then I would try to make my way around the coop and feed.
And at some point, the chicken, and I'm only five years old,
and the rooster seemed like he was half my size.
And at some point, he would attack me and fly through the air.
(04:23):
And I'd turn my back to him and feel his talons in my back.
And this happened literally every day. And my dad would see it.
And he had to know how terrified I
was and yet he he did nothing
and I think what set
(04:45):
the tone for me was I couldn't
cry out because I was afraid of what
my dad would do if I didn't want to do the job so I never cried out and I think
it occurred to me that despite the pain of feeling feeling the rooster's talons
(05:06):
in my back and being attacked daily,
I was more afraid of my dad than the rooster.
Yeah, that is so profound. And I think that it's just such a memory,
especially when we think about writing and writing these experiences.
Was there anything that you found specifically challenging as you were writing your memoir?
(05:32):
Did you feel like it was maybe reopening old wounds or did you maybe find it
like more therapeutic when going through especially these more detailed and traumatic events?
Yeah, you know, my book, especially the first part of my book, is a difficult read.
I mean, I've been told that many times because someone will read it and they'll
(05:54):
just say to themselves, how could this happen to a child?
It was difficult writing it, too, because I had to relive the experience.
And even in that rooster scene, smelling the sulfuric smell of chicken poop
(06:16):
and remembering just walking in silence with my dad,
there were times when tears were streaming down my face as I'm just trying to ride it.
And myself thinking, how could this happen to me?
(06:37):
And what got me through, frankly, was God, because I would write it practically every day.
I'd write, and I'd feel Jesus Christ at my shoulder and get the impression that
he was saying, I'm right here with you.
(06:57):
And somehow each day that made me want to write more because I got to feel the
presence of God next to me.
And he meant it for me to have a catharsis in the writing just to get it all
out because basically my body and mind was just storing trauma trauma,
(07:22):
and people have told me that I seemed to change after I wrote the book,
and it got it all out,
and that was another purpose God had for me, just to get it all out.
So powerful. I love that you mentioned that because I think,
(07:43):
and you mentioned something very important of feeling like an outsider looking in.
And I think many of our listeners, myself included, have maybe had similar experiences
where we've looked back, like some years have maybe separated us from the event.
And we look back and we're just like, wow, I can't believe that happened.
And it's almost like this belief that in a way you're thinking that I can't
(08:06):
believe this happened to me.
It's almost like it's another person. And so I really appreciate that you mentioned
that because I think so many folks can relate to that, especially when we're
thinking about trauma, especially when there's so much time that's separated from it.
And in a way, I think we can become numb to it and it can take some years to really process it.
(08:29):
And I like that you mentioned that in a way, having those emotions as you're
writing and also having kind of like that, not necessarily just reliving it,
but also like having some therapy in a way and writing it.
And I know for like so many different writers, myself included,
writing for me has been therapeutic.
I've been writing for a long time as well. And it's been something that like.
(08:53):
Has helped me get through some difficult times.
So I really, I really appreciate you mentioning that.
And another detail I really want to touch on is that in your book,
it's highlighted the three belts that are hanging in your dad's closet as a
symbol of fear and control.
Can you maybe elaborate on a specific incident involving those belts that you described in your book?
(09:14):
Yeah, there was a incident where I can't remember how old I was. I was still a teenager.
I'm thinking maybe I was 15, 14, 15.
A friend of mine invited me to his house after school to play.
(09:34):
We were going to play baseball with his brothers, and I was so looking forward to it.
Yet, I lived the kind of life where I wasn't supposed to do anything after school
except stay home and do chores.
And in this particular case, we didn't have a dryer, so we hung our laundry indoors on a line.
(09:59):
And, you know, I'm hanging up the laundry, and I asked my dad if I could go
afterward to my friend's house.
And he said, no. And I couldn't hide the disappointment in my face.
And, you know, by then I'd already learned not to show emotion on my face.
(10:24):
Otherwise, it'd get me in trouble.
But I was so disappointed that I knew that I couldn't hide it.
And my dad looked at me and said, and he yelled at me and said,
what? what, you don't like that?
And then he literally sprinted to his closet and got one of his belts.
(10:48):
And there were three of them.
One was thick, one was medium, and one was thin.
And I'd usually think, please don't get the thin one because that one hurts.
It's like a whip and it would tear at my skin. And yet that was the one he got.
(11:10):
And he just started whipping me.
And, you know, I'm fending myself off with my arms and it's still getting through
like on my neck and stuff like that.
And those are some, sometimes in writing the book, it's not that hard to remember
(11:31):
what happened because things like that are so vivid that they remain in your head,
as if it was just last week or something.
So that's one of the belt stories.
Yeah, absolutely. And I appreciate you sharing that with us.
And I wanted to touch on something you mentioned, which was the need to show
(11:53):
lack of emotion, because I think that so many trauma survivors experience this.
And I know for me personally, I remember when I was younger,
I had learned some things that learned to not really show how I was feeling
because it would inconvenience my parents.
And I didn't want to inconvenience them because I didn't know what was going to happen.
(12:14):
So for me, I remember one personal time when I was in middle school and there
was a homicide with a family that was at my school and the girl had passed away.
And they had this kind of memorial set up for her.
And I remember one of my classmates asking me why I wasn't showing any sort
(12:36):
of emotion. Why wasn't I crying?
And that was something that really stuck with me. I was just like,
I didn't show emotion at all from a pretty early age.
And then I remember not too long ago, probably within the last 10 years,
I had a manager who told me, he's like, I literally do not know what you're
thinking because you don't show anything.
(12:57):
And that was another thing that stuck with me because he's like,
are you struggling with anything?
What are you feeling because you're not showing it? And so I think it's a natural
reaction to so many different trauma survivors and something that you might
not even realize until maybe someone brings it to your attention.
(13:17):
And I think a lot of our listeners might be able to relate to that.
And something else I kind of wanted to touch on a little bit is the struggle
that you had with acute depression, PTSD.
And I think a lot of these things end up manifesting physically,
especially as we navigate life, get older.
(13:38):
And a lot of us don't think about it. We think about it's the mental component
that we're struggling with, our mental health, but it really translates a lot
into our physical health as well.
Can you tell about how that impacted you later on physically as you got older?
(13:58):
Yeah, I had come to realize that I had suffered depression all my life, even as a child.
I mean, you look at my grade school pictures and you could see that is just
not a happy kid. It is interesting that you talk about that we couldn't express our emotions.
(14:20):
Well, I came to know that that energy, that sadness, frustration,
even anger that you have to hold inside of yourself will manifest itself somewhere else.
I mean, it's in the same way people get ulcers from stress. Well, mine showed in my feet.
(14:43):
I'm 67 years old, so it's been over 40 years that I've had pain in both feet.
And doctors, podiatrists, every sort of healer you can imagine.
I've been to pain clinics that could not find anything physically wrong.
So that did lead me to believe, you know, In some circles, they say a lot of
(15:09):
your pain is in your mind.
And I remember working with one therapist.
She said, your feet are literally telling you, I can't stand it anymore.
Or I don't want to go forward. Or I don't want to go on.
So my pain of childhood was literally translating, I can't stand it.
(15:37):
Because otherwise, physically, doctors couldn't find anything and still can't.
Yeah. And that can be really, really frustrating. And I know for me,
I had something similar about five or six years ago.
I kept going to the doctor because I was having these stomach issues and I was
so convinced there was something wrong.
(15:58):
And then when they couldn't find anything, it just got really, really frustrating.
And ultimately, it was concluded that I have IBS, or otherwise known as irritable
bowel syndrome, which I guess has been linked to anxiety.
And it's like when we're young, especially we feel like we're just so resilient.
I know, like, I think for me, this kind of onset when I was in my mid twenties
(16:21):
or so, and we just don't really think about that physical component until it happens to us.
And more recently for me, it's, I've had to be like more in tune with managing
my stress because of that,
because I'll notice some physical effects and I'm like, okay,
I got to slow down because Because if I have a certain gut reaction to something,
(16:44):
or if I have a certain flare-up,
it's generally linked to some sort of stressor.
So I feel like it requires us to be more consciously aware of some of these
things that we might be these stimuli that we're going through.
Thinking about that, you mentioned also that anger mismanagement is a recurring
(17:04):
theme in your book. Can you share a part of your memoir that highlights your
journey in dealing with anger?
I think at that time, I remember my daughter Natalia was in junior high.
And I don't even remember what I was mad about.
(17:26):
I know it was probably maybe she didn't even hear what I said.
Or I really don't know. But it was...
Nighttime and she went to bed and I was so angry that I threw shoes at the adjoining wall,
to her bedroom and I would throw them as hard as I could like I was a major
(17:50):
league pitcher and then I would go pick up the shoes walk back throw them again
and it was like I did it until I was dead tired.
I had so much anger. And to this day, I don't even know what that was about. I was just angry.
And of course, the effect it had on my daughter.
(18:12):
Here's this dad throwing shoes at the wall for who knows why.
Oh man, I was just basically out of my mind. So, yeah, that's just one of them.
Even when I was married, my wife had to hold me back from just getting into people's faces.
(18:34):
And she would just start shoving me and say, leave him alone.
And I was so angry at the world that I was looking for fights.
And so anything I interpreted as a slight, I wanted to fight.
So, yeah, thank God that's over. her. Yeah, I appreciate that you shared that.
(18:55):
And I love that the relationship between you and your daughter Natalia is such
a significant part of every memoir.
And it really brought actually me to tears as I read throughout your book.
And it's just such a profound message.
And I love that both of you are able to connect.
(19:15):
Can you describe the moment that you might have realized that your behavior
was affecting her and what changes did you document making afterwards?
I remember, again, she was in junior high and she'd go to school and after school and,
We'd make a meal and sit down for dinner, and I remember her just sitting there
(19:40):
while she was eating, just looking at her plate, not making eye contact with me.
And I said to her, why aren't you talking?
And I was irritated because it was like totally ignoring me.
And then she looked at me when I said, why aren't you talking?
(20:00):
And I could see fear in her eyes and on her face.
And it made me think, why is she so afraid of talking to me?
Well, it made me remember that I hated when my dad talked to me.
He'd ask me questions and I was afraid too.
Too, because I knew whatever I said, he'd criticize me or get mad,
(20:26):
and it felt like an interrogation every time he talked to me.
And I thought, oh, man, this is just like me and my dad, and I'm doing to my
daughter what was done to me.
And it reminded me of when I was a teenager, when I get the emotional brunt
(20:52):
of my dad and his physicality.
And even as a teenager, I remember saying to myself, if I ever have kids,
I will not do to them what was done to me.
And yet here it was happening with my daughter.
Yeah, I appreciate you sharing that with us. And it's interesting because I'll
(21:16):
share a quick similar story because I remember before my brother and I were
born, my mom had mentioned something similar.
And to an extent, she made different choices than her own parents.
Her dad, which my grandfather was abusive towards her more so than my aunt.
But I think she also had kids pretty young too.
(21:38):
And so I think that was a factor. and even though there were some choices that
were made for the better, there were still like a lot of issues that were still
kind of like projected onto my brother and I.
And so I think it's like not until actually more recently, like now,
because my mom and I still kind of talk about it, like we're still trying to
improve our relationship.
(22:00):
And I think that's what touched me so much about reading your book,
because I feel like it's something that actually I'm in the process of going
through like myself with my own parents And so I really love kind of reading
that story of success and redemption
and kind of knowing there's that light at the end of the tunnel.
And so in your book, you talk about your determination to give Natalia a better life.
(22:24):
Can you maybe recount a specific event
where you really felt like you made significant progress as a father?
Yeah, she attended Biola University in Orange County,
and I had visited her down in Southern Cal during a Father's Day weekend.
(22:47):
And on our way to breakfast in the car, she turns to me and says,
she says, a lot of my friends don't even talk to their dads.
They don't have good relationships with their fathers. They don't even get together on Father's Day.
(23:08):
And that to me was like, oh my, she realizes that we have a good relationship.
And that I've tried hard to save our relationship.
And that Father's Day meant something to her, especially compared to her friends.
(23:29):
And that just made it all worth it because I tried so hard just to have a relationship
with my daughter that I ruined it for us during her upbringing.
And i did everything
i could to save it so that was
very encouraging very satisfying
(23:53):
and it made it all worth it i absolutely love that and that it gives like for
me and so many others hope that there is possibility for change because especially
for navigating any difficult relationships with with our fathers or with our parents.
And for so many folks, it is a very difficult, like Mother's Day,
(24:13):
Father's Day can be very difficult.
And I love that you reached such a turning point for the better.
And it's just so inspiring for so many people, including myself.
You talk about the path to forgiveness being central to your story and being one of faith.
How did you narrate the process of forgiving your father within your memoir?
(24:33):
And what are some of, maybe the key moments of realization?
I think the key moment in my story was when I had gotten mad at my daughter
and she called her mom and her mom came over and she cried to her mom and said,
(24:57):
whatever I do is not good enough.
And they left after that.
And I don't ever remember crying so hard in my life because it was echoing what
I felt about my dad, that whatever I did was not good enough.
(25:17):
And despite all my efforts not to do to my daughter what was done to me,
it was happening. and I couldn't deal with it, that I had failed.
Not only myself, but I failed my daughter and I had become my dad.
(25:39):
I still remember the tears just streaming from my eyes.
It was like a water faucet was partially on. and I sank to my knees and pleaded
to God, and I said, I can't do this anymore.
(26:00):
I said to God, my own will is not enough. I can't do it anymore.
And all I said was, please help me. That was probably my rock bottom moment
in my life, realizing I'd become my father.
Yeah, absolutely. And can you tell us a little bit about how you may have started
(26:26):
to overcome this dark time in your life?
And I love that throughout your memoir, it really illustrates how faith is really
core to your path to forgiveness.
Can you tell us a little bit about that time where you were able to kind of
move forward after that?
(26:48):
Yeah, after that particular incident, I was at my lowest and I was making a plan to commit suicide.
I remember it was the next week at work and it was common for me just to be
by myself and I would go to a park and just sit by myself at lunchtime thinking about killing myself.
(27:13):
And then I felt this warmth kind of overcome me.
It was like a spring day and it was already warm, but it was a different kind
of warmth that descended on me.
And it felt like, I'm sure it was in my head, but it felt like audibly I heard
someone say, you're going to be all right.
(27:37):
And then I'm like looking around like, who said that?
And I worked downtown in Sacramento,
and there were a few churches I was aware of,
and I would go to these churches, and there was never a service there,
and the doors were open, and I would just sit in a pew at a few of them.
(28:02):
Because I was like, was that you, God, that said that?
And I don't know, it was a day or two later after that, I'm at home.
And my daughter was living with her mom then.
And because I was too, I don't know, I was just not in a good place for her to be with me.
(28:28):
And I noticed something different and I couldn't put my finger on it and I had
realized that my depression was gone.
And me, like I said, I'd been depressed since childhood and actually here I
am in my 50s and you realize with depression, it's with you all the time.
(28:54):
Yeah. And that's what I couldn't put my finger on.
It's like something's missing. And it was depression.
And I remember even like looking around and checking my pockets,
like I'm looking for my keys, like what?
And there was like a burden had been lifted or even a lightness about me.
(29:20):
And, you know, I'd always felt like if depression were going to be taken from
me, it would be yanked forcibly from me because it was such a part of me.
But it was so gentle that I hadn't realized that was what happened.
And I felt like now that I look back on it,
(29:41):
it was like God realized that I couldn't function with depression because really
all I was doing was getting by in my life.
I mean, I would try to go to work and I would use the weekends trying to get
myself in the proper frame of mind to go to work the next week.
(30:03):
And sometimes unsuccessful and I'd exhausted all my sick leave and all my vacation leave.
And I was now getting dark hours for missing time because I was too depressed to get out of bed. it.
And yet now I look at it, God knew that.
And he knew that if I was going to write a book, I couldn't do it with depression.
(30:30):
Interesting that you mentioned that because I know for so many different writers,
and I like that you mentioned that because I know for me, being
able to write depends on what kind
of mood I'm in it's going to dictate like what kind of
story I'm going to write and
I feel like for so many writers it might it might
(30:53):
differ because like for me it's interesting because
in some of my darkest times I would actually would
be some of the time where I'm like inspired to write but
I think also as a method of therapy but it
would also dictate like what type of story I'm
going to the right it might be like dark or in
some instances it might be
(31:15):
like a type of story that is something that i'm gonna
want to immerse myself in to feel better so in a way that that was kind of like
therapy but i feel like the mood that i'm in has sometimes dictated the type
of story i'm going to write so i i really appreciate that that you shared that
with us because it just shows that it really is going to depend on the right.
(31:38):
And in your case, you were able to be able to share your story with us.
And you also mentioned the path to forgiveness being central to your story.
And I know for so many folks, especially who have been dealt at the hand of
trauma from their parents really might struggle with this relationship with their parents.
(31:58):
How did you narrate the process of forgiving your father in your memoir?
Or what kind of moments of realization did you have?
And do you have any maybe words of advice for anyone who might be going through something similar?
Yeah, for me, the key was realizing that I could no more help doing what I did
(32:24):
to my daughter than I believe my dad couldn't help himself either.
I mean, I behaved terribly around my daughter, and it was difficult for her
to grow up with someone like me.
And I didn't want to do that, what I was doing.
I couldn't help it, yet that was how I grew up.
(32:48):
It was the only thing I knew was the only emotion we had when I grew up was
anger, and that was all I knew.
I had never said any encouraging words to her, never complimented her,
never hugged her, because that's what happened to me.
(33:10):
And I didn't want that for my daughter yet.
I couldn't help it. And I think I had to realize, I don't think my dad could help it either.
It made me think 99% he had a worse childhood than even I had.
(33:31):
And maybe that's all he knew. And maybe he tried the best he could.
And that was the path to forgiveness for me in realizing that he couldn't help
it like I couldn't help it.
And realizing that in this life, it's hard.
I mean, he came from the Philippines, and I know what a hard life that has been there.
(33:57):
And when he came here, he worked in the fields.
And yet I'd already known that he seemed to be an educated man, prideful man.
But to come to America and work in the fields where we'd work for,
back then, 10 cents a box.
(34:18):
That allowed me to start forgiving him. Yeah, I love that.
And I love your messaging is so powerful there because I feel like when we humanize
our parents in a way and have those like kind of like the sympathetic lens on and understanding,
(34:39):
I think as children, sometimes as we grow older,
when we realize our parents are inherently flawed,
sometimes it could be very difficult,
but it is something that is very necessary on a humanistic level.
And I think it's also important to realize is when we're, when we're thinking
about this and I like how you mentioned, you know, thinking about our parents,
(35:03):
like they're, you know, they're doing the best that they can with what they know.
And that's something that actually I personally have been trying to put into practice as well.
But also of course, keeping in mind that thinking that that doesn't necessarily
mean that their actions were right.
But I love that you mentioned that when we think about our parents,
it's like, in their mind, they're doing the best they can with what they know.
(35:27):
And being able to use that as a practical application to make different choices.
And I think that's something that is really helpful for folks,
especially if they're on a journey, a similar journey to forgiveness or maybe
trying to repair or reconcile a relationship with their parents.
(35:47):
And so kind of thinking about that and writing your book, were there any specific
insights that you might have learned or gained about yourself that maybe you
hadn't realized before writing it?
People have given me feedback about my book, and some of the comments I received was,
despite everything that I went through, I didn't seem to write about it out
(36:13):
of bitterness or resentment or anger.
And it was only, I wrote it like, this is what happened. And I think I had realized
from those comments that the circumstances at that time made me angry.
But I'm not an angry person.
(36:35):
And I think by nature, I try to be kind to people.
And sometimes when I think about it, I think God kept my heart good.
I mean, some people have said, people like you, you find them in prison because
they've lashed out in anger at the world or at someone.
(36:58):
But all I did was just write my story.
This is a story of what happens to people from that background.
And I was able to keep my self, my sense of self, my belief that I was a good
person, I was able to keep that intact.
(37:19):
I love that you mentioned kind of separating out feeling angry due to your circumstances
versus being an angry person.
And I think a lot of times we can get caught up in what's called like a victim mentality.
And sometimes we carry that with us as feeling like we're a perpetual victim
of this thing and we're not able to overcome it.
(37:42):
And I think sometimes we can also feel different types of shame.
I know for me personally, like, for example, like many like young people,
maybe we might make bad choices in one area or another.
And so oftentimes, we associate like these specific decisions.
Well, I made this bad decision.
(38:02):
That means I'm a bad person. And so I love that you how you kind of separated
like the behavior from yourself and thinking about the anger in terms of the
circumstances and not you as a person. And so I think that's really important.
Something that our listeners really should take away that this thing,
this thing that we're feeling isn't something that's going to define us.
(38:26):
And it may have impacted us, may have shaped us along the way,
but it shouldn't define us. And so I love that you shared that with us.
And kind of thinking back about your memoir, I actually was looking on Amazon,
looking at some of the reviews that you have.
Was there any feedback or reviews that you've received from readers since the
(38:47):
publication that really stands out? Yeah.
Speaking of Amazon, and I don't know how profound it was for me,
but I remember reading one of my Amazon reviews early on,
and in bold it said, one of the best books I've ever read.
(39:08):
I had tears in my eyes when reading this, and although I'm a female and not Filipino,
I'm Irish-American, I could relate to so many things that he wrote in his book,
and she said I brought her to tears. Yeah.
(39:30):
And I think what got to me was, I have no idea who this person is or where she
lives, how old she is or anything about her.
Yet my book touched her to the point where she said it was one of the best she'd ever read.
And I thought, wow, this book does that to people?
(39:53):
It just made me think, I don't know, it just made me shake my head like,
I had no idea my writing could be that powerful or even my life experiences
could affect people in a certain way.
Yeah, that's something that I actually really love about your book,
(40:13):
because I feel like it has that impact to touch, as you're mentioning,
a variety of different audiences and kind of bring some unity in a way to where
these traumatic experiences can really bring us together and bring really brings that.
I want to say, of course, that sympathy and empathy towards one another.
(40:38):
But I think having a lot of these core elements, such as I love the father-daughter
relationship within your story.
There's so many different elements that I think there's something that pretty
much anyone can relate to.
And that's what I really love about it. Is there any particular message that
you might hope readers will take away from some of the final chapters of your book?
(41:00):
Yeah, I think simply, you know, I didn't think my life transformed until God changed it.
And I was in my mid-50s. And so I guess to me, despite past traumas,
you can still have a happy life.
(41:23):
And also, I think one of the messages is forgiveness may not look like what
you expect it to look like, but it is still forgiveness.
And I think in the end, I think I tried to show that God redeems your life.
(41:44):
He turned mine around.
Those might be some simple things one could get from the book.
I love that. And I also love how you mentioned forgiveness, because I think
there are so many different layers in so many different ways people can perceive how to forgive.
Your commonality is forgive but not forget.
(42:05):
And I think for me, and I've heard this one quite a bit, and I think.
It makes sense, especially how you presented it in your memoir is that forgiveness
is not necessarily for that other person in question, but it's really like for ourselves,
for our own peace, for our own ability to let go, being able to move forward
(42:29):
with our lives. And I think that's so crucial.
And depending on the person in question, and in your case, if they're no longer
around or maybe it's someone that is still around that even if we forgive them,
if that's not necessarily going to change our relationship,
it at least can help us be able to move forward and let go and for our own mental health.
(42:54):
So I really appreciate that you mentioned that. And I think so many people oftentimes
get stuck and I don't want to forgive this person. What they did was horrible to me.
And I think it's valid, but I think it is true that forgiveness is really for us.
What that other person does or doesn't do with it is something that I guess
(43:15):
is within our control. So I love that you mentioned that.
And at this point in time, I know your book came out back in 2022.
Do you have any plans to write a follow-up or are there any other writing projects
that you might be considering?
I'm asked that all the time because people really liked my book and they feel I'm a talented writer.
(43:43):
But frankly, I'm retired.
When you read my book, I think people realize what a difficult life I led to survive.
And when I look at it now at 67 years old, it's like, I don't need to work anymore.
(44:05):
I just want to enjoy the rest of my life.
I like to write, but I don't find it enjoyable. I find it satisfying.
But it's not anything I really like to do, because a lot of it can be hard work.
And it's a very solitary endeavor.
(44:27):
And the new me is not a solitary person. I enjoy being out among people,
which is a complete 180 from how I grew up from being a loner and wanting to be left alone.
And now I just want to have fun the rest of my life. So that's what I'm doing.
(44:51):
That's so touching. And it's interesting because I know for me,
I've been writing a long time and I know this deviates from our rubric a little bit.
And I know for me, most of my writing has been short stories, very fiction-based.
And I've had this plot in mind for actually a couple of different stories.
(45:12):
And some of it I've put on paper.
I'm wondering if you have any words of advice or wisdom for anyone who might
be trying to start a book.
And maybe if you're getting that dreaded writer's block and you're hoping to
eventually be published.
I've heard a variety of different advice from so many different authors.
(45:32):
And I think one thing that kind of really stuck with me was you just have to
just sit down and do it, whether you're kind of feeling in the mood for it or
not, in order to get it done.
Because that motivation is kind of going to ebb and flow.
But I'm curious to hear what your take on that is.
I like that you said sometimes you just have to sit there and do it because it is a discipline.
(46:00):
And it's funny, my daughter would go with me and I'd go to a coffee shop and write.
She'd look at me and she commented like, you don't look like you're writing.
All you're doing is daring. Yeah.
But my mind was trying to piece things together. And I had told myself,
(46:25):
if nothing comes, sit here for an hour.
Type words until things start to pop.
And eventually it'll come. Not every day is going to be inspired writing.
Yeah. Sometimes it's just going to be hard work. work but
if you develop the discipline to do
(46:47):
it every day or at least an hour it'll get done and for me the the other advice
whether you're writing fiction or non-fiction is write what you know otherwise
i guess you can spend a lot of time researching and stuff like Like that might be fun,
but it's a lot of work.
(47:09):
But for me, yeah, it's my memoir.
So I know myself. I know what I went through. So I wrote what I knew.
Wow, that's so true. And it's interesting. Not too long ago,
I had another interviewee who's also retired and had published a book.
And I'd asked him if he was planning on another book. and he actually said something
(47:32):
very similar along similar lines saying that he wanted to enjoy his retirement,
which is totally, totally bad.
But I really appreciate your wisdom and words of advice because I know like
for me, I think it's just like sitting down and getting past that procrastination is half that battle.
Because again, like, yeah, as you mentioned, if we're writing about something
(47:54):
that requires a lot of research, it could kind of seem daunting.
And And it's been really inspiring to me to come across authors who have become
published later on in life.
Because I remember when I was younger, when I was first writing,
I was in middle school, high school.
And I just, at the time, I didn't have any sort of ideas as far as writing a book.
(48:17):
And at that time, I'm like, I'm probably never going to publish anything.
But now I'm in my mid-30s. And I'm like, for a little bit, I'm like,
I don't know if that ship has sailed. field, hearing so many people's success
stories later, publishing later on life is just so inspiring to me.
It just kind of further proves the point of it's really like never too late to do anything.
(48:38):
Even if like, I've had this idea in my head for the last five years.
And even if it takes me another five years to finally get that whole thing on
paper, it's still possible.
So I really, I really appreciate it. And kind of reflecting on your journey,
the completion of of your book, is there any way, any differences into how you
(48:58):
might view your past and present self differently?
Yeah, like I mentioned, the best part of my life started when God rescued me
around the age of 55 and he transformed my life.
And I think he's given me the opportunity to be the person I was meant to be.
(49:22):
I live in a senior community and I have a lot of friends.
I've commonly heard people say
Pete knows everyone and I enjoy
a lot of activities like water volleyball
and pickleball and I've seen karaoke and do all kinds of activities but my therapist
(49:44):
even suggested that I may actually be an extrovert which is hard to wrap my
head around So this is a complete turnaround from who I used to be.
Unhappy, by myself, angry. And my daughter and I get along famously now.
(50:05):
So I know I'm probably not going to write much of anything at all,
but I think my end-of-life chapter will read,
he lived happily ever after.
I love that so much. That is so powerfully profound.
(50:26):
And I think that is such a great way to conclude.
And I want to add a few final things because I have really enjoyed reading your book.
And it's, again, touched me and so many others from what you're mentioning.
And I appreciate you sharing that with us and sharing your story with our listeners,
(50:50):
because I feel like there's something for anyone to be able to kind of take away from it.
Anything that someone might be struggling with or going through and your success
story is just inspires so many of us.
And again, I appreciate your words of wisdom in terms of writing and it's been
(51:15):
such a pleasure having you on
this podcast and I know our listeners are going to be so excited for it.
But before we close out, would you be able to share with us where our listeners
can maybe connect with you, learn more about your book, where they can purchase it?
I have a Facebook page and it's Pete Cruz Author and also an Instagram page, Pete Cruz Author.
(51:43):
If anyone would like to purchase my book,
I'll sign it out and I can be reached at, I guess through my Facebook or email
is pete at petecruz.com.
So I'll make sure I get those all included
down in our show notes below but it was amazing having you on here so thank
(52:06):
you so much for this wonderful conversation it's been so inspiring for me I
appreciate the opportunity Valerie and it was very much a pleasure for me also so thank you.
Music.
Welcome back to A Slice of Empathy podcast. Today we have a very special guest
who is Pete Cruz, and he'll be sharing his deeply personal journey of healing
and recovery through his powerful memoir,
No Tears for Dad, My Path to Forgiveness.
This book will take readers through Pete's experiences with childhood trauma
and how he found solace and strength through his heavenly father.
(00:28):
His story of perseverance and resilience, navigating the complexities of adult
life while battling depression, PTSD,
anger management, chronic pain, fears of failure and abandonment,
challenges that many survivors of trauma and our listeners will relate to.
But Pete's path to forgiveness and healing will offer hope to those who are
(00:52):
just starting their own recovery or have already walked down that path.
Raised in Milpitas, California, Pete holds a bachelor's degree in English from
the California State University, Sacramento, and has made significant contributions
to adult education as a trainer and consultant for the state of California.
He's also an award-winning short story writer, editor, and speaker who has participated
(01:16):
in numerous writers' panels, talks, and workshops.
I'm so excited to dive into Pete's story, discuss his journey,
and learn how his faith helped him find a path to forgiveness.
Let's welcome Pete Cruz to the show. So I'm super excited to have you join me today.
I had the privilege of, of course, reading your book before it officially came out.
(01:39):
But let's start off. If you could tell us a little a bit about your book,
what motivated you to write it. We can start from there.
My book is basically a memoir of my life,
and it details a difficult childhood and how I basically survived and came out
of it and turned out to be an all right person in the end.
(02:02):
So what motivated me to write it was basically my daughter. I come from an abusive,
severely abusive, physically, mentally abusive background.
And my daughter had to grow up with someone like me who was depressed and angry.
(02:24):
And I knew someday I had to write it because I wanted her to understand that
despite everything that happened, I tried my best to be a good father.
And it didn't mean, it tried not
to be the way I was, but it was the only thing I knew from how I grew up.
(02:49):
Because my own father was an angry man and that's all I knew.
And that's how my daughter grew up with me. And so I wrote it for my daughter. I love that.
Can you describe maybe some of the impact of your father's abusive behavior
and maybe one of the earliest memories that you included in your book and maybe
(03:10):
how it kind of set that tone for your childhood?
One of the early scenes in my book was I was maybe four or five years old and we lived on a farm.
And one of my daily duties was to feed the chickens.
And we had a chicken coop and my dad would escort me out to the chicken coop.
(03:33):
And he'd open the door to the coop and pose it in after me. and the smell of
chicken poop was strong and the chickens were in a frenzy.
So it was really noisy.
But in the back of the coop was a rooster and he was the king of the roost.
(03:58):
And every day I'd walk in, he would just stare at me.
And then I would try to make my way around the coop and feed.
And at some point, the chicken, and I'm only five years old,
and the rooster seemed like he was half my size.
And at some point, he would attack me and fly through the air.
(04:23):
And I'd turn my back to him and feel his talons in my back.
And this happened literally every day. And my dad would see it.
And he had to know how terrified I
was and yet he he did nothing
and I think what set
(04:45):
the tone for me was I couldn't
cry out because I was afraid of what
my dad would do if I didn't want to do the job so I never cried out and I think
it occurred to me that despite the pain of feeling feeling the rooster's talons
(05:06):
in my back and being attacked daily,
I was more afraid of my dad than the rooster.
Yeah, that is so profound. And I think that it's just such a memory,
especially when we think about writing and writing these experiences.
Was there anything that you found specifically challenging as you were writing your memoir?
(05:32):
Did you feel like it was maybe reopening old wounds or did you maybe find it
like more therapeutic when going through especially these more detailed and traumatic events?
Yeah, you know, my book, especially the first part of my book, is a difficult read.
I mean, I've been told that many times because someone will read it and they'll
(05:54):
just say to themselves, how could this happen to a child?
It was difficult writing it, too, because I had to relive the experience.
And even in that rooster scene, smelling the sulfuric smell of chicken poop
(06:16):
and remembering just walking in silence with my dad,
there were times when tears were streaming down my face as I'm just trying to ride it.
And myself thinking, how could this happen to me?
(06:37):
And what got me through, frankly, was God, because I would write it practically every day.
I'd write, and I'd feel Jesus Christ at my shoulder and get the impression that
he was saying, I'm right here with you.
(06:57):
And somehow each day that made me want to write more because I got to feel the
presence of God next to me.
And he meant it for me to have a catharsis in the writing just to get it all
out because basically my body and mind was just storing trauma trauma,
(07:22):
and people have told me that I seemed to change after I wrote the book,
and it got it all out,
and that was another purpose God had for me, just to get it all out.
So powerful. I love that you mentioned that because I think,
(07:43):
and you mentioned something very important of feeling like an outsider looking in.
And I think many of our listeners, myself included, have maybe had similar experiences
where we've looked back, like some years have maybe separated us from the event.
And we look back and we're just like, wow, I can't believe that happened.
And it's almost like this belief that in a way you're thinking that I can't
(08:06):
believe this happened to me.
It's almost like it's another person. And so I really appreciate that you mentioned
that because I think so many folks can relate to that, especially when we're
thinking about trauma, especially when there's so much time that's separated from it.
And in a way, I think we can become numb to it and it can take some years to really process it.
(08:29):
And I like that you mentioned that in a way, having those emotions as you're
writing and also having kind of like that, not necessarily just reliving it,
but also like having some therapy in a way and writing it.
And I know for like so many different writers, myself included,
writing for me has been therapeutic.
I've been writing for a long time as well. And it's been something that like.
(08:53):
Has helped me get through some difficult times.
So I really, I really appreciate you mentioning that.
And another detail I really want to touch on is that in your book,
it's highlighted the three belts that are hanging in your dad's closet as a
symbol of fear and control.
Can you maybe elaborate on a specific incident involving those belts that you described in your book?
(09:14):
Yeah, there was a incident where I can't remember how old I was. I was still a teenager.
I'm thinking maybe I was 15, 14, 15.
A friend of mine invited me to his house after school to play.
(09:34):
We were going to play baseball with his brothers, and I was so looking forward to it.
Yet, I lived the kind of life where I wasn't supposed to do anything after school
except stay home and do chores.
And in this particular case, we didn't have a dryer, so we hung our laundry indoors on a line.
(09:59):
And, you know, I'm hanging up the laundry, and I asked my dad if I could go
afterward to my friend's house.
And he said, no. And I couldn't hide the disappointment in my face.
And, you know, by then I'd already learned not to show emotion on my face.
(10:24):
Otherwise, it'd get me in trouble.
But I was so disappointed that I knew that I couldn't hide it.
And my dad looked at me and said, and he yelled at me and said,
what? what, you don't like that?
And then he literally sprinted to his closet and got one of his belts.
(10:48):
And there were three of them.
One was thick, one was medium, and one was thin.
And I'd usually think, please don't get the thin one because that one hurts.
It's like a whip and it would tear at my skin. And yet that was the one he got.
(11:10):
And he just started whipping me.
And, you know, I'm fending myself off with my arms and it's still getting through
like on my neck and stuff like that.
And those are some, sometimes in writing the book, it's not that hard to remember
(11:31):
what happened because things like that are so vivid that they remain in your head,
as if it was just last week or something.
So that's one of the belt stories.
Yeah, absolutely. And I appreciate you sharing that with us.
And I wanted to touch on something you mentioned, which was the need to show
(11:53):
lack of emotion, because I think that so many trauma survivors experience this.
And I know for me personally, I remember when I was younger,
I had learned some things that learned to not really show how I was feeling
because it would inconvenience my parents.
And I didn't want to inconvenience them because I didn't know what was going to happen.
(12:14):
So for me, I remember one personal time when I was in middle school and there
was a homicide with a family that was at my school and the girl had passed away.
And they had this kind of memorial set up for her.
And I remember one of my classmates asking me why I wasn't showing any sort
(12:36):
of emotion. Why wasn't I crying?
And that was something that really stuck with me. I was just like,
I didn't show emotion at all from a pretty early age.
And then I remember not too long ago, probably within the last 10 years,
I had a manager who told me, he's like, I literally do not know what you're
thinking because you don't show anything.
(12:57):
And that was another thing that stuck with me because he's like,
are you struggling with anything?
What are you feeling because you're not showing it? And so I think it's a natural
reaction to so many different trauma survivors and something that you might
not even realize until maybe someone brings it to your attention.
(13:17):
And I think a lot of our listeners might be able to relate to that.
And something else I kind of wanted to touch on a little bit is the struggle
that you had with acute depression, PTSD.
And I think a lot of these things end up manifesting physically,
especially as we navigate life, get older.
(13:38):
And a lot of us don't think about it. We think about it's the mental component
that we're struggling with, our mental health, but it really translates a lot
into our physical health as well.
Can you tell about how that impacted you later on physically as you got older?
(13:58):
Yeah, I had come to realize that I had suffered depression all my life, even as a child.
I mean, you look at my grade school pictures and you could see that is just
not a happy kid. It is interesting that you talk about that we couldn't express our emotions.
(14:20):
Well, I came to know that that energy, that sadness, frustration,
even anger that you have to hold inside of yourself will manifest itself somewhere else.
I mean, it's in the same way people get ulcers from stress. Well, mine showed in my feet.
(14:43):
I'm 67 years old, so it's been over 40 years that I've had pain in both feet.
And doctors, podiatrists, every sort of healer you can imagine.
I've been to pain clinics that could not find anything physically wrong.
So that did lead me to believe, you know, In some circles, they say a lot of
(15:09):
your pain is in your mind.
And I remember working with one therapist.
She said, your feet are literally telling you, I can't stand it anymore.
Or I don't want to go forward. Or I don't want to go on.
So my pain of childhood was literally translating, I can't stand it.
(15:37):
Because otherwise, physically, doctors couldn't find anything and still can't.
Yeah. And that can be really, really frustrating. And I know for me,
I had something similar about five or six years ago.
I kept going to the doctor because I was having these stomach issues and I was
so convinced there was something wrong.
(15:58):
And then when they couldn't find anything, it just got really, really frustrating.
And ultimately, it was concluded that I have IBS, or otherwise known as irritable
bowel syndrome, which I guess has been linked to anxiety.
And it's like when we're young, especially we feel like we're just so resilient.
I know, like, I think for me, this kind of onset when I was in my mid twenties
(16:21):
or so, and we just don't really think about that physical component until it happens to us.
And more recently for me, it's, I've had to be like more in tune with managing
my stress because of that,
because I'll notice some physical effects and I'm like, okay,
I got to slow down because Because if I have a certain gut reaction to something,
(16:44):
or if I have a certain flare-up,
it's generally linked to some sort of stressor.
So I feel like it requires us to be more consciously aware of some of these
things that we might be these stimuli that we're going through.
Thinking about that, you mentioned also that anger mismanagement is a recurring
(17:04):
theme in your book. Can you share a part of your memoir that highlights your
journey in dealing with anger?
I think at that time, I remember my daughter Natalia was in junior high.
And I don't even remember what I was mad about.
(17:26):
I know it was probably maybe she didn't even hear what I said.
Or I really don't know. But it was...
Nighttime and she went to bed and I was so angry that I threw shoes at the adjoining wall,
to her bedroom and I would throw them as hard as I could like I was a major
(17:50):
league pitcher and then I would go pick up the shoes walk back throw them again
and it was like I did it until I was dead tired.
I had so much anger. And to this day, I don't even know what that was about. I was just angry.
And of course, the effect it had on my daughter.
(18:12):
Here's this dad throwing shoes at the wall for who knows why.
Oh man, I was just basically out of my mind. So, yeah, that's just one of them.
Even when I was married, my wife had to hold me back from just getting into people's faces.
(18:34):
And she would just start shoving me and say, leave him alone.
And I was so angry at the world that I was looking for fights.
And so anything I interpreted as a slight, I wanted to fight.
So, yeah, thank God that's over. her. Yeah, I appreciate that you shared that.
(18:55):
And I love that the relationship between you and your daughter Natalia is such
a significant part of every memoir.
And it really brought actually me to tears as I read throughout your book.
And it's just such a profound message.
And I love that both of you are able to connect.
(19:15):
Can you describe the moment that you might have realized that your behavior
was affecting her and what changes did you document making afterwards?
I remember, again, she was in junior high and she'd go to school and after school and,
We'd make a meal and sit down for dinner, and I remember her just sitting there
(19:40):
while she was eating, just looking at her plate, not making eye contact with me.
And I said to her, why aren't you talking?
And I was irritated because it was like totally ignoring me.
And then she looked at me when I said, why aren't you talking?
(20:00):
And I could see fear in her eyes and on her face.
And it made me think, why is she so afraid of talking to me?
Well, it made me remember that I hated when my dad talked to me.
He'd ask me questions and I was afraid too.
Too, because I knew whatever I said, he'd criticize me or get mad,
(20:26):
and it felt like an interrogation every time he talked to me.
And I thought, oh, man, this is just like me and my dad, and I'm doing to my
daughter what was done to me.
And it reminded me of when I was a teenager, when I get the emotional brunt
(20:52):
of my dad and his physicality.
And even as a teenager, I remember saying to myself, if I ever have kids,
I will not do to them what was done to me.
And yet here it was happening with my daughter.
Yeah, I appreciate you sharing that with us. And it's interesting because I'll
(21:16):
share a quick similar story because I remember before my brother and I were
born, my mom had mentioned something similar.
And to an extent, she made different choices than her own parents.
Her dad, which my grandfather was abusive towards her more so than my aunt.
But I think she also had kids pretty young too.
(21:38):
And so I think that was a factor. and even though there were some choices that
were made for the better, there were still like a lot of issues that were still
kind of like projected onto my brother and I.
And so I think it's like not until actually more recently, like now,
because my mom and I still kind of talk about it, like we're still trying to
improve our relationship.
(22:00):
And I think that's what touched me so much about reading your book,
because I feel like it's something that actually I'm in the process of going
through like myself with my own parents And so I really love kind of reading
that story of success and redemption
and kind of knowing there's that light at the end of the tunnel.
And so in your book, you talk about your determination to give Natalia a better life.
(22:24):
Can you maybe recount a specific event
where you really felt like you made significant progress as a father?
Yeah, she attended Biola University in Orange County,
and I had visited her down in Southern Cal during a Father's Day weekend.
(22:47):
And on our way to breakfast in the car, she turns to me and says,
she says, a lot of my friends don't even talk to their dads.
They don't have good relationships with their fathers. They don't even get together on Father's Day.
(23:08):
And that to me was like, oh my, she realizes that we have a good relationship.
And that I've tried hard to save our relationship.
And that Father's Day meant something to her, especially compared to her friends.
(23:29):
And that just made it all worth it because I tried so hard just to have a relationship
with my daughter that I ruined it for us during her upbringing.
And i did everything
i could to save it so that was
very encouraging very satisfying
(23:53):
and it made it all worth it i absolutely love that and that it gives like for
me and so many others hope that there is possibility for change because especially
for navigating any difficult relationships with with our fathers or with our parents.
And for so many folks, it is a very difficult, like Mother's Day,
(24:13):
Father's Day can be very difficult.
And I love that you reached such a turning point for the better.
And it's just so inspiring for so many people, including myself.
You talk about the path to forgiveness being central to your story and being one of faith.
How did you narrate the process of forgiving your father within your memoir?
(24:33):
And what are some of, maybe the key moments of realization?
I think the key moment in my story was when I had gotten mad at my daughter
and she called her mom and her mom came over and she cried to her mom and said,
(24:57):
whatever I do is not good enough.
And they left after that.
And I don't ever remember crying so hard in my life because it was echoing what
I felt about my dad, that whatever I did was not good enough.
(25:17):
And despite all my efforts not to do to my daughter what was done to me,
it was happening. and I couldn't deal with it, that I had failed.
Not only myself, but I failed my daughter and I had become my dad.
(25:39):
I still remember the tears just streaming from my eyes.
It was like a water faucet was partially on. and I sank to my knees and pleaded
to God, and I said, I can't do this anymore.
(26:00):
I said to God, my own will is not enough. I can't do it anymore.
And all I said was, please help me. That was probably my rock bottom moment
in my life, realizing I'd become my father.
Yeah, absolutely. And can you tell us a little bit about how you may have started
(26:26):
to overcome this dark time in your life?
And I love that throughout your memoir, it really illustrates how faith is really
core to your path to forgiveness.
Can you tell us a little bit about that time where you were able to kind of
move forward after that?
(26:48):
Yeah, after that particular incident, I was at my lowest and I was making a plan to commit suicide.
I remember it was the next week at work and it was common for me just to be
by myself and I would go to a park and just sit by myself at lunchtime thinking about killing myself.
(27:13):
And then I felt this warmth kind of overcome me.
It was like a spring day and it was already warm, but it was a different kind
of warmth that descended on me.
And it felt like, I'm sure it was in my head, but it felt like audibly I heard
someone say, you're going to be all right.
(27:37):
And then I'm like looking around like, who said that?
And I worked downtown in Sacramento,
and there were a few churches I was aware of,
and I would go to these churches, and there was never a service there,
and the doors were open, and I would just sit in a pew at a few of them.
(28:02):
Because I was like, was that you, God, that said that?
And I don't know, it was a day or two later after that, I'm at home.
And my daughter was living with her mom then.
And because I was too, I don't know, I was just not in a good place for her to be with me.
(28:28):
And I noticed something different and I couldn't put my finger on it and I had
realized that my depression was gone.
And me, like I said, I'd been depressed since childhood and actually here I
am in my 50s and you realize with depression, it's with you all the time.
(28:54):
Yeah. And that's what I couldn't put my finger on.
It's like something's missing. And it was depression.
And I remember even like looking around and checking my pockets,
like I'm looking for my keys, like what?
And there was like a burden had been lifted or even a lightness about me.
(29:20):
And, you know, I'd always felt like if depression were going to be taken from
me, it would be yanked forcibly from me because it was such a part of me.
But it was so gentle that I hadn't realized that was what happened.
And I felt like now that I look back on it,
(29:41):
it was like God realized that I couldn't function with depression because really
all I was doing was getting by in my life.
I mean, I would try to go to work and I would use the weekends trying to get
myself in the proper frame of mind to go to work the next week.
(30:03):
And sometimes unsuccessful and I'd exhausted all my sick leave and all my vacation leave.
And I was now getting dark hours for missing time because I was too depressed to get out of bed. it.
And yet now I look at it, God knew that.
And he knew that if I was going to write a book, I couldn't do it with depression.
(30:30):
Interesting that you mentioned that because I know for so many different writers,
and I like that you mentioned that because I know for me, being
able to write depends on what kind
of mood I'm in it's going to dictate like what kind of
story I'm going to write and
I feel like for so many writers it might it might
(30:53):
differ because like for me it's interesting because
in some of my darkest times I would actually would
be some of the time where I'm like inspired to write but
I think also as a method of therapy but it
would also dictate like what type of story I'm
going to the right it might be like dark or in
some instances it might be
(31:15):
like a type of story that is something that i'm gonna
want to immerse myself in to feel better so in a way that that was kind of like
therapy but i feel like the mood that i'm in has sometimes dictated the type
of story i'm going to write so i i really appreciate that that you shared that
with us because it just shows that it really is going to depend on the right.
(31:38):
And in your case, you were able to be able to share your story with us.
And you also mentioned the path to forgiveness being central to your story.
And I know for so many folks, especially who have been dealt at the hand of
trauma from their parents really might struggle with this relationship with their parents.
(31:58):
How did you narrate the process of forgiving your father in your memoir?
Or what kind of moments of realization did you have?
And do you have any maybe words of advice for anyone who might be going through something similar?
Yeah, for me, the key was realizing that I could no more help doing what I did
(32:24):
to my daughter than I believe my dad couldn't help himself either.
I mean, I behaved terribly around my daughter, and it was difficult for her
to grow up with someone like me.
And I didn't want to do that, what I was doing.
I couldn't help it, yet that was how I grew up.
(32:48):
It was the only thing I knew was the only emotion we had when I grew up was
anger, and that was all I knew.
I had never said any encouraging words to her, never complimented her,
never hugged her, because that's what happened to me.
(33:10):
And I didn't want that for my daughter yet.
I couldn't help it. And I think I had to realize, I don't think my dad could help it either.
It made me think 99% he had a worse childhood than even I had.
(33:31):
And maybe that's all he knew. And maybe he tried the best he could.
And that was the path to forgiveness for me in realizing that he couldn't help
it like I couldn't help it.
And realizing that in this life, it's hard.
I mean, he came from the Philippines, and I know what a hard life that has been there.
(33:57):
And when he came here, he worked in the fields.
And yet I'd already known that he seemed to be an educated man, prideful man.
But to come to America and work in the fields where we'd work for,
back then, 10 cents a box.
(34:18):
That allowed me to start forgiving him. Yeah, I love that.
And I love your messaging is so powerful there because I feel like when we humanize
our parents in a way and have those like kind of like the sympathetic lens on and understanding,
(34:39):
I think as children, sometimes as we grow older,
when we realize our parents are inherently flawed,
sometimes it could be very difficult,
but it is something that is very necessary on a humanistic level.
And I think it's also important to realize is when we're, when we're thinking
about this and I like how you mentioned, you know, thinking about our parents,
(35:03):
like they're, you know, they're doing the best that they can with what they know.
And that's something that actually I personally have been trying to put into practice as well.
But also of course, keeping in mind that thinking that that doesn't necessarily
mean that their actions were right.
But I love that you mentioned that when we think about our parents,
it's like, in their mind, they're doing the best they can with what they know.
(35:27):
And being able to use that as a practical application to make different choices.
And I think that's something that is really helpful for folks,
especially if they're on a journey, a similar journey to forgiveness or maybe
trying to repair or reconcile a relationship with their parents.
(35:47):
And so kind of thinking about that and writing your book, were there any specific
insights that you might have learned or gained about yourself that maybe you
hadn't realized before writing it?
People have given me feedback about my book, and some of the comments I received was,
despite everything that I went through, I didn't seem to write about it out
(36:13):
of bitterness or resentment or anger.
And it was only, I wrote it like, this is what happened. And I think I had realized
from those comments that the circumstances at that time made me angry.
But I'm not an angry person.
(36:35):
And I think by nature, I try to be kind to people.
And sometimes when I think about it, I think God kept my heart good.
I mean, some people have said, people like you, you find them in prison because
they've lashed out in anger at the world or at someone.
(36:58):
But all I did was just write my story.
This is a story of what happens to people from that background.
And I was able to keep my self, my sense of self, my belief that I was a good
person, I was able to keep that intact.
(37:19):
I love that you mentioned kind of separating out feeling angry due to your circumstances
versus being an angry person.
And I think a lot of times we can get caught up in what's called like a victim mentality.
And sometimes we carry that with us as feeling like we're a perpetual victim
of this thing and we're not able to overcome it.
(37:42):
And I think sometimes we can also feel different types of shame.
I know for me personally, like, for example, like many like young people,
maybe we might make bad choices in one area or another.
And so oftentimes, we associate like these specific decisions.
Well, I made this bad decision.
(38:02):
That means I'm a bad person. And so I love that you how you kind of separated
like the behavior from yourself and thinking about the anger in terms of the
circumstances and not you as a person. And so I think that's really important.
Something that our listeners really should take away that this thing,
this thing that we're feeling isn't something that's going to define us.
(38:26):
And it may have impacted us, may have shaped us along the way,
but it shouldn't define us. And so I love that you shared that with us.
And kind of thinking back about your memoir, I actually was looking on Amazon,
looking at some of the reviews that you have.
Was there any feedback or reviews that you've received from readers since the
(38:47):
publication that really stands out? Yeah.
Speaking of Amazon, and I don't know how profound it was for me,
but I remember reading one of my Amazon reviews early on,
and in bold it said, one of the best books I've ever read.
(39:08):
I had tears in my eyes when reading this, and although I'm a female and not Filipino,
I'm Irish-American, I could relate to so many things that he wrote in his book,
and she said I brought her to tears. Yeah.
(39:30):
And I think what got to me was, I have no idea who this person is or where she
lives, how old she is or anything about her.
Yet my book touched her to the point where she said it was one of the best she'd ever read.
And I thought, wow, this book does that to people?
(39:53):
It just made me think, I don't know, it just made me shake my head like,
I had no idea my writing could be that powerful or even my life experiences
could affect people in a certain way.
Yeah, that's something that I actually really love about your book,
(40:13):
because I feel like it has that impact to touch, as you're mentioning,
a variety of different audiences and kind of bring some unity in a way to where
these traumatic experiences can really bring us together and bring really brings that.
I want to say, of course, that sympathy and empathy towards one another.
(40:38):
But I think having a lot of these core elements, such as I love the father-daughter
relationship within your story.
There's so many different elements that I think there's something that pretty
much anyone can relate to.
And that's what I really love about it. Is there any particular message that
you might hope readers will take away from some of the final chapters of your book?
(41:00):
Yeah, I think simply, you know, I didn't think my life transformed until God changed it.
And I was in my mid-50s. And so I guess to me, despite past traumas,
you can still have a happy life.
(41:23):
And also, I think one of the messages is forgiveness may not look like what
you expect it to look like, but it is still forgiveness.
And I think in the end, I think I tried to show that God redeems your life.
(41:44):
He turned mine around.
Those might be some simple things one could get from the book.
I love that. And I also love how you mentioned forgiveness, because I think
there are so many different layers in so many different ways people can perceive how to forgive.
Your commonality is forgive but not forget.
(42:05):
And I think for me, and I've heard this one quite a bit, and I think.
It makes sense, especially how you presented it in your memoir is that forgiveness
is not necessarily for that other person in question, but it's really like for ourselves,
for our own peace, for our own ability to let go, being able to move forward
(42:29):
with our lives. And I think that's so crucial.
And depending on the person in question, and in your case, if they're no longer
around or maybe it's someone that is still around that even if we forgive them,
if that's not necessarily going to change our relationship,
it at least can help us be able to move forward and let go and for our own mental health.
(42:54):
So I really appreciate that you mentioned that. And I think so many people oftentimes
get stuck and I don't want to forgive this person. What they did was horrible to me.
And I think it's valid, but I think it is true that forgiveness is really for us.
What that other person does or doesn't do with it is something that I guess
(43:15):
is within our control. So I love that you mentioned that.
And at this point in time, I know your book came out back in 2022.
Do you have any plans to write a follow-up or are there any other writing projects
that you might be considering?
I'm asked that all the time because people really liked my book and they feel I'm a talented writer.
(43:43):
But frankly, I'm retired.
When you read my book, I think people realize what a difficult life I led to survive.
And when I look at it now at 67 years old, it's like, I don't need to work anymore.
(44:05):
I just want to enjoy the rest of my life.
I like to write, but I don't find it enjoyable. I find it satisfying.
But it's not anything I really like to do, because a lot of it can be hard work.
And it's a very solitary endeavor.
(44:27):
And the new me is not a solitary person. I enjoy being out among people,
which is a complete 180 from how I grew up from being a loner and wanting to be left alone.
And now I just want to have fun the rest of my life. So that's what I'm doing.
(44:51):
That's so touching. And it's interesting because I know for me,
I've been writing a long time and I know this deviates from our rubric a little bit.
And I know for me, most of my writing has been short stories, very fiction-based.
And I've had this plot in mind for actually a couple of different stories.
(45:12):
And some of it I've put on paper.
I'm wondering if you have any words of advice or wisdom for anyone who might
be trying to start a book.
And maybe if you're getting that dreaded writer's block and you're hoping to
eventually be published.
I've heard a variety of different advice from so many different authors.
(45:32):
And I think one thing that kind of really stuck with me was you just have to
just sit down and do it, whether you're kind of feeling in the mood for it or
not, in order to get it done.
Because that motivation is kind of going to ebb and flow.
But I'm curious to hear what your take on that is.
I like that you said sometimes you just have to sit there and do it because it is a discipline.
(46:00):
And it's funny, my daughter would go with me and I'd go to a coffee shop and write.
She'd look at me and she commented like, you don't look like you're writing.
All you're doing is daring. Yeah.
But my mind was trying to piece things together. And I had told myself,
(46:25):
if nothing comes, sit here for an hour.
Type words until things start to pop.
And eventually it'll come. Not every day is going to be inspired writing.
Yeah. Sometimes it's just going to be hard work. work but
if you develop the discipline to do
(46:47):
it every day or at least an hour it'll get done and for me the the other advice
whether you're writing fiction or non-fiction is write what you know otherwise
i guess you can spend a lot of time researching and stuff like Like that might be fun,
but it's a lot of work.
(47:09):
But for me, yeah, it's my memoir.
So I know myself. I know what I went through. So I wrote what I knew.
Wow, that's so true. And it's interesting. Not too long ago,
I had another interviewee who's also retired and had published a book.
And I'd asked him if he was planning on another book. and he actually said something
(47:32):
very similar along similar lines saying that he wanted to enjoy his retirement,
which is totally, totally bad.
But I really appreciate your wisdom and words of advice because I know like
for me, I think it's just like sitting down and getting past that procrastination is half that battle.
Because again, like, yeah, as you mentioned, if we're writing about something
(47:54):
that requires a lot of research, it could kind of seem daunting.
And And it's been really inspiring to me to come across authors who have become
published later on in life.
Because I remember when I was younger, when I was first writing,
I was in middle school, high school.
And I just, at the time, I didn't have any sort of ideas as far as writing a book.
(48:17):
And at that time, I'm like, I'm probably never going to publish anything.
But now I'm in my mid-30s. And I'm like, for a little bit, I'm like,
I don't know if that ship has sailed. field, hearing so many people's success
stories later, publishing later on life is just so inspiring to me.
It just kind of further proves the point of it's really like never too late to do anything.
(48:38):
Even if like, I've had this idea in my head for the last five years.
And even if it takes me another five years to finally get that whole thing on
paper, it's still possible.
So I really, I really appreciate it. And kind of reflecting on your journey,
the completion of of your book, is there any way, any differences into how you
(48:58):
might view your past and present self differently?
Yeah, like I mentioned, the best part of my life started when God rescued me
around the age of 55 and he transformed my life.
And I think he's given me the opportunity to be the person I was meant to be.
(49:22):
I live in a senior community and I have a lot of friends.
I've commonly heard people say
Pete knows everyone and I enjoy
a lot of activities like water volleyball
and pickleball and I've seen karaoke and do all kinds of activities but my therapist
(49:44):
even suggested that I may actually be an extrovert which is hard to wrap my
head around So this is a complete turnaround from who I used to be.
Unhappy, by myself, angry. And my daughter and I get along famously now.
(50:05):
So I know I'm probably not going to write much of anything at all,
but I think my end-of-life chapter will read,
he lived happily ever after.
I love that so much. That is so powerfully profound.
(50:26):
And I think that is such a great way to conclude.
And I want to add a few final things because I have really enjoyed reading your book.
And it's, again, touched me and so many others from what you're mentioning.
And I appreciate you sharing that with us and sharing your story with our listeners,
(50:50):
because I feel like there's something for anyone to be able to kind of take away from it.
Anything that someone might be struggling with or going through and your success
story is just inspires so many of us.
And again, I appreciate your words of wisdom in terms of writing and it's been
(51:15):
such a pleasure having you on
this podcast and I know our listeners are going to be so excited for it.
But before we close out, would you be able to share with us where our listeners
can maybe connect with you, learn more about your book, where they can purchase it?
I have a Facebook page and it's Pete Cruz Author and also an Instagram page, Pete Cruz Author.
(51:43):
If anyone would like to purchase my book,
I'll sign it out and I can be reached at, I guess through my Facebook or email
is pete at petecruz.com.
So I'll make sure I get those all included
down in our show notes below but it was amazing having you on here so thank
(52:06):
you so much for this wonderful conversation it's been so inspiring for me I
appreciate the opportunity Valerie and it was very much a pleasure for me also so thank you.
Music.
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