October 30, 2023 • 76 mins
I am joined once again by the incredible King Cas Ajani. Together, we dive deep into the importance of self-love, personal growth, and effective communication.
3 topics covered are: 1: The Power of Self-Love 2: Living with Purpose and Personal Growth 3: Effective Communication and Emotional Articulation
This insightful conversation with King Cas Ajani went in unexpected directions, but it was an enriching and refreshing change of pace. As you reflect on your own journey, I encourage you to cultivate self-love, embrace personal growth, and communicate effectively. Remember, every "L" you encounter can be an opportunity for growth and transformation
Follow me on Instagram: @EveryLPodcast for exclusive content and please RATE and review on the platform you are listening on
More about King Cas:
In this episode, King shares his story of growing up in a large and often opinionated household that didn't always allow him to freely express himself. Hear him tell us about his childhood traumas and how he now views those around him who may have contributed towards them. Join us in this very personal and eye-opening conversation to challenge your thoughts on how we treat those that we say we love.
I hope you enjoy the conversation and are encouraged to know you are not alone in your struggles and even though it may seem like a setback at the moment it doesn't mean this can't be a setup for something greater.
Follow me IG and Twitter: @everyLpodcast
Email: everylpod@gmail.com for enquiries and feedback
Please rate and leave a review :-)
A bit more about King:
King Cas Ajani is an artist, producer, author, director, songwriter, youth mentor and advocate for young people's emotional well-being. He was raised in South London and the Zimbabwean-born creative has been keeping busy over the past couple of years! After keeping his head down during what he dubbed his "cocoon years", in 2020 he released a powerful short film called "What Happened to Karen?" Which hit 100k views on YouTube after just 7 days and has been nominated in the "Best Short Film Category by the UK Entertainment Awards 2021. King Cas' journey through entertainment is only getting more interesting as he continues to produce music, write films and hit the stage as a host and performer again.
Twitter and IG@Ajanikingdom
Podcast: Zero to Zen
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
if somebody does something to me close or noand I express that hey I don't like that thing
that you do and if they decide to do or saywhatever to try and turn things around on me
when all I did was set a boundary then you thatperson can be loved from a distance I'm not
going to develop disrespect towards them I'mnot going to talk ill of them I'm not going
(00:24):
to tell the whole world what they did becauseI also understand that when people do dumb
stuff like that, they usually tend to be goingthrough something that other people don't know
about. It's not a justification, but you know,people when they act out, sometimes there are
symptoms of something that you probably don'teven understand.
(00:58):
Welcome ladies and gentlemen, I'm your host,Mack Brown and you're listening to the Every
L Podcast. Each episode we'll have a differentguest come on and talk about when life hangs
you in L, is it really a loss or is it somethingelse? Because not every L's a loss. So sit
back, relax or do what every guy do to get comfortableas we get into this. Let's go!
(01:30):
Welcome everyone to another episode of EveryL Podcast where every episode we have a different
guest come on, sharing what they consider theL at the point of time and then navigate it
and tell us, ultimately was it actually an Lor was it something else? And an L for those
that don't quite understand what it means, considera game of sports where you either win, lose
(01:54):
or draw. But in life, it's a bit more binarythan that. You rarely ever draw. It's either
a win or it's a loss because you plan thingsto go a certain way. You might invest time,
energy, effort, a whole heap of money into acertain thing that will hopefully give you
a return of X. But instead of getting X, you'regetting some random algebra equation that's
(02:16):
not X. So you're feeling some sort of way becauseif you went to university and you spent 70
grand, on going to university to be whateverprofession it is that's gonna pull you in six
figures, but all of a sudden you're workingfor the local fast food joint. Some would consider
that hell. It's because you could have got thatjob without going into debt like that. But
(02:43):
that is some people's reality. And some peoplemight have learned something or gained something
from that situation. And it's. I think it'sonly right that we talk about these things
and share these stories because this is a realityfor many people and this could be the reality
many people are walking into. And for them tonot feel alone, to make them feel like they've
done something wrong, they can hopefully gethope from the stories that are being shared
(03:08):
through the real people that are telling theirreal stories and being open and honest to allow
people to witness what can happen from a situationthat could have been considered L. But I have
a guest and it is cliche, but it is what itis. I have a fantastic guest. Now he has been
on previously and it's only why I had to gethim a second time because he is so eloquent,
(03:33):
he is so knowledgeable. He's been through hisown. He's been through a few situations, but
he has such tenacity, he has such determination.He is... Kind to himself, despite anything
and everything people may say, but he is kindto himself. He respects himself that much that
(03:58):
he affords himself the grace needed to justtake it easy. Don't beat yourself up, especially
when other people are doing that as well. Andthat is such a rare quality for someone to
exhibit. And I just Honestly, I'm grateful tobe in the presence of someone who's able to
(04:20):
do that which helps me to understand when thereis a storm Going on sometimes you need to just
calm down To be able to process what you needto do first check yourself Make sure there's
no cuts or bruises that's on you that you can'tmaybe feel because you're high in adrenaline
Just calm down and then you can assess the situationand you can proceed as you need to safely and
(04:43):
that's in a roundabout way of what he does.He doesn't know this, but that's a way I paint
a picture of how he is as an individual. AndI'm so honored to have him on. Before I get
him to introduce himself and the way he seesfear, I'm doing something that's somewhat fairly
new and it's for people who may be visuallyimpaired, who may not be able to see us. And
(05:05):
I like to just sort of do a bit of intro todescribe who we are, where we're from and things
like that, just so they have an idea of whatwe look like. So, For instance, I am a black
male who's six, three. My parents are from Jamaica,although many people say they think I'm African
descent, which could be the case. I don't know.I'll ask my mom about who my real daddy is
soon. But yeah, that's me. That's what I looklike. Yeah, I have King Cass here. Please describe
(05:33):
yourself as you feel appropriate to do so, andgive a little bit of an intro about yourself
before we go into your first L. Hello, everyone.Matt, thank you so much for having me again.
It's a pleasure and indeed an honor equallyto have you invite me back. And I can't wait
to get into the conversation. So I am King KastAjani. I am a man with many, many hats. So
(06:01):
we'll go with emotional wellbeing, practitioner,film director, also stage director. We'll get
into that a bit later.
I work in the community, music, and I'm a bigfan of mentoring, and I'm a big fan of these
(06:23):
types of conversations. I am a stocky blackman standing at 5'7", and I have a bald head,
and I love to wear baseball caps, African hats,and berets. He's not wrong, but he rocks them
(06:44):
well. Thank you, I really do. And he's modesttoo. So as we do, we talk about L's and this
one, he did disclose what it was to me. I'llbe frank, I can't remember it, but let's go
back and see what it is. So he said he wouldlike to talk about redirection through rejection.
(07:08):
I don't know, I may know the story, I don'tthink I do. but please go back to where you
feel it's appropriate to start and tell us howit led up to that L and what happened going
forward from there. I think an appropriate momentto go back to, it's January 2017. Yeah. I mean,
(07:32):
stuff was already kind of hot by then, but itwasn't scorching, you know. January 2017 was
the first time that I felt somewhat lost. Itwas the first time that I felt really deep
grief, but it wasn't from a bereavement. Itwas from a series of rejections that took place
(08:03):
in very quick succession. and they all heldvery strong positions in my life at the time.
And I remember November 2016, I just had a sensecome over me that things were going to change
and things were going to change quite drastically.And so I remember just... sticking to my routine
(08:29):
and I'd go downstairs to the pool and swim,you know, come up and then I have my morning
calls and do what I have to do. But then I couldfeel all of it coming to an abrupt end. And
there were several forces at play that broughtall that was going on to an end. So abruptly.
(08:51):
When I found myself, probably say March, April,2017, I felt like the bigger plumes of dust
began to settle. But then everything was verymisty, it was very unclear. The one thing that
I did do is I did talk about it, but not withso many people. But I really spiraled at that
(09:18):
time. I really spiraled, man. And it was calculatedspiraling. Because I can't forget that I actually
have a destiny. I might be pissed off at a point.But I have to remember I've got some stuff
to achieve. When I used to do my nonsense,
(09:43):
I literally would ask myself, do I have energyto waste this weekend? I would actually have
that conversation in my head. And that's howmuch I just didn't care anymore. I was like,
nah. Like I didn't care about like upholdinga certain image or demeanor or just I just
(10:05):
didn't care. I was like, I'm gonna do what Ifeel like doing. And all I cared about was
making sure that I stayed with it mentally.I've never suffered from things like voices
or like, you know, trigger warning, like suicidalthoughts or anything like that. That's not
(10:36):
a part of my journey or my story. And I'm verygrateful because I can't imagine. how anyone
copes with that, you know what I mean? Especiallythose who succeed, you know, to live long lives,
you know? But the challenges I felt were strongenough that I was like, whoa, I can't spill
(10:59):
over here. And then if I fast forward a bitmore time, because I'm not gonna do play for
play like of all the events, but if we fastforward a little bit to 2019, I remember like
that, but that year it just felt like a grilling,but I didn't even know that it was just me
being marinated for the fire that was comingto cook my backside in the next couple of years
(11:23):
that followed. I had no idea. I thought I wasgetting cooked already. I thought this is hard.
You know, I was, I was... renting a room inmy friend's house and I was sleeping on a sofa
bed. It was so uncomfortable. It was so uncomfortable.And I remember... being grateful and just trying
(11:47):
to think of, to think the best of the situationand to make the best of the situation. And
then I started having these spiritual encounters.It was so mad. And I remember like I was in
my room for a couple of days, I kid you not,and I didn't leave and I just had this notepad
and I just kept on writing these notes. Andthen shortly after that, I had a situation
(12:13):
where I was really stressed out. and I was meantto be going to do some community work just
outside of London and had actually spent mylast money on that waste of card and I got
there and I wasn't allowed in because the check-intime had passed, but it's also a prison. So,
(12:33):
you know, once the people have gone through,they've gone through, whatever. And so I was
really gutted that I didn't get to do the workwith the guys in the prison, but I decided
let me just go back home. And as I'm walkingup my road, at the time I lived in London Bridge,
and so I'm walking up my road, and then I sawthe yoga place where I used to go and do hot
(12:55):
yoga. And I was like, the way I'm feeling rightnow, the best thing I can do for myself is
to go into the house, get my gym clothes, andgo and do the 12.30 hot yoga session. And so
I did. Because I had a thought, something...profound hit me that day. I felt like my brain
(13:21):
was getting hot and I realized and I said, youcan't uncooked meat.
So I'm turning all of the stove off. We're notcooking this. And so I took a sabbatical. And
this is a good six months before COVID hit therest of the world. So I took a sabbatical.
(13:49):
I had my own lockdown months before it happenedfor everybody else.
And then fast forward to when lockdown did happen,March 2020, I was working in a primary school.
I was working with the key worker kids, youknow, so because I couldn't bear to be in the
house, especially like with other people. SoI worked and so I was a key worker doing work
(14:13):
for key worker kids. And I did that for thewhole duration. And that took my mind away
from some of the mess that was going on. Butthen it fast forward to the year after that,
when my dad passed away, that's when everythingjust hit the fan like. everything just completely
hit the fan. And all these situations, all theselittle milestones that I'm just touching on,
(14:34):
all of those things in a lot of their, in theirown ways, feel so much like rejection. They
feel so dejective. You know, just when you finda little bit of peace in this area, then something
else has to go. And then just when you finda little bit of peace in this area, then something
else has to go. And it can get, it can get somedisheveling. You know, you can kind of have
(15:00):
a mistrust for life itself, because you're justlike, I don't know. There's no point hoping
sometimes some people might feel because ofhow tough things can get. But I like to be
an optimist. I mean, but when things were ugly,I will say they were ugly. You and I spoke
and you were like, how's things? I was like,they're ugly. So I don't have a problem with
(15:25):
saying that. I'm not gonna like be fake cheerful.It doesn't work. It doesn't work. I sit in
it and I feel it. And I'm like, OK, what doI do with it? OK, and then here's how I'm going
to move forward. And that's just, personally,how I do with things. And then next time I
can recognize when something is around the corneror something's happening to me in that moment,
(15:45):
I can be like, ah, wait, hold on. It's actuallythat thing. But then what I did long for, apart
from being optimistic, and what I genuinelydid long for was just to feel peaceful. I just
longed to feel peaceful and I didn't want tofeel dejected and rejected. It just felt horrible.
But then, summer 2022, this is when things reallystarted to turn around because my relationships
(16:12):
in life started shifting because of the interestthat I developed in understanding my own psyche
a lot more. So I found that with certain individuals,I would explain and be like, yo, I read this
thing. And these things were opening my eyes.Like I was like now getting these, the scientific
(16:34):
backup, like on audible, like I'll be on mywalks listening to this stuff. And this is
not fairy tales and poems. This is like science,it's hard core science. And I'm just like listening
and I'm like, ah, I so get it, I so get it.Because apart from... the L that took place
in January 2017, the reason why it hurt so badwas because it resembled an L that took place
(16:58):
20 years prior and so an unhealed wound gotexposed. So I've had to go back, right? I'm
learning about attachment theory and I'm learningabout developmental trauma. I'm learning about
self- and talk and internal conversations. Andthen I'm also like reflecting on the work that
(17:24):
I do with the young men that I work with. AndI'm just like, okay, I'm gonna take a moment.
So August, 2022, after just getting into allof the study and stuff, I got overwhelmed with
work and everything else. So I quit everything.I quit everything. And after about four months,
(17:45):
I started messing about with some ideas. talkingto some people, rekindling certain lines of
communication. And it really did set pace for2023, you know, and it's been that learning
about myself. Like even, even if someone, somethingas simple as someone said, they'll call me
(18:05):
at, at nine tonight. And really truly, I'm notreally trying to be on the phone at nine o'clock.
When I was younger, yeah, cool, no problem.But now it's like, I want to watch Disney Plus.
BBC I play off I want to watch that so Ravenlike that's what I want to do. I don't want
to talk on the phone at night It's your time.It's my time. I want to do what I want to do
(18:27):
you know and I just find that like what I'vebeen learning has been teaching me to really
take better care of myself, really put myselffirst. And like, what does that look like in
practice? So now I have to have that conversation.What does that look like in practice? So now
(18:49):
I have to answer. Taking good care of myselfmeans I'm going to go down to the market and
buy the fruit fresh and the veg fresh, right?Because that's me looking after my pocket.
I'm not going to be lazy and go to breaks. Iwent to breaks yesterday morning. I don't get,
so no, but like, I'll be like, let me go tothe market. I'll go get my fruit, my veg or
(19:15):
whatever. And then I'll make my vegetable stew.And even the process, like the chopping and
like the peeling and just putting all the differentingredients in there. And I'm making it myself.
Like it feels good. It's alchemy, it's science.Like I'm being creative. And because I don't
cook meals the same way every single time, Ilike to switch this up and just have fun with
(19:35):
it. So I'm excited to taste the dish. That'san example for me what it looks like to take
the care of myself to make a thoughtful dishfor myself and not just dash it on the plate
like I'm some struggling university student.Actually take some care. Like present it properly.
Garnish the thing. Put some cream rings in thesoup. You know, that's what I decided I'm going
(20:02):
to do. So, you know, it's, it spreads onto evenhow I allow people to treat me. And I'm not
talking about this whole, like, I'm going tocut people off and whatever. I'm not, I'm not,
I'm not going to push all of that speech becausethat's not really, that's not really gracious.
And I'm a big, I'm a big, I'm a big person ofgrace. It doesn't mean that I'm going to keep
(20:23):
people close if they do me wrong over and overagain. an instance is that if somebody does
something to me, close or no. And I expressthat, hey, I don't like that thing that you
do. And if they decide to do or say whateverto try and turn things around on me when all
(20:48):
I did was set a boundary, then that person canbe loved from a distance. I'm not going to
develop disrespect towards them. I'm not goingto talk ill of them. I'm not going to tell
the whole world what they did. Because I alsounderstand that when people do dumb stuff like
(21:11):
that, they usually tend to be going throughsomething that other people don't know about.
It's not a justification, but you know, people,when they act out, sometimes they're symptoms
of something that you probably don't even understand.
(21:43):
And you don't want to understand it and youdon't need to understand it. So just for me,
I just drop, I just drop it and then I keepit moving. If somebody tries to approach me
and this has happened at a later date, likeas if nothing happened, I'm like, no, come
on now, let's talk about it. Cause I can't,I can't do it. I can't do it. Like, you know,
(22:06):
so that's how I would put it. It's like, wewill talk. We can be cordial. But let's not
act like everything is cool when we haven'taddressed what needs to be addressed, especially
if you call yourself my friend, if you callyourself a close relative or whatever. You
know, if you call yourself those things, thenbe that. For me, when I do wrong, I make it
(22:29):
a point that I put my hands up. I know thisabout myself. I put my hands up and I say,
I am sorry for what I did. If I have a reasonfor it, I'll explain the reason. If I don't
have a reason, I will tell them. I'll be like,I have no stories for you. I didn't have a
reason. I was being dumb. That's fair. Althoughhe was late for the recording and he didn't
(22:52):
hold his hands up for that. So just throwingthat one out there. I said sorry eventually
for like one of the things you were complainingabout. Plus also at the same time, you were
only half serious about your moaning. So I didn'tthink- One of the things. Folks, just throw
it out there. I'm holding accountable. So I'vegot a question for you then. So going back
(23:14):
to 2017 and just having the rejections, wouldyou mind sharing a few of the things that you
felt were rejections? Because I'm very consciousthat when we talk about L's on this podcast,
it's literally just people dealing with griefin its many different forms. And rejection
(23:37):
for me, can be silly things. It doesn't haveto be, oh, I got rejected for a job I applied
for. It could be me reaching out to someoneand they're just giving me air. Like I'm Jordan,
I just want to reach out, check on you, andyou're just not reciprocating the energy I'm
(23:58):
putting out there. That's a form of rejection.There could be times where, because you're
very much a creative and you have been as longas I've known you, it could be you're trying
to pitch an idea. and people just not catchingthe vibe that you're putting out. That's a
full rejection and many other things, but Ijust, I don't know. So I just didn't know if
(24:18):
you was happy to share just a couple of thingsof what was the rejection that you felt at
the time or you experienced at the time, whichled you to go on the path that you went on.
So I'll begin by saying some of the examplesyou gave, particularly, pitching and trying
(24:40):
to connect with certain individuals, industry-wise,and that sort of example, that's like sprinkles
of that within the story. But then nothing thatreally stands out, but there's lots of little
sprinkles of it because that's just the natureof it, right? That doesn't really do well on
(25:01):
oneself. It's not great. But then somethingyou can learn to live with is kind of like
white noise. is to stab. more particularly January2017. And I say January because January is
when everything had been done, but basicallyin the space of six weeks.
(25:28):
My relationships with my then girlfriend andmy two best friends were completely obliterated
irreparably and In none of those lanes was thereany closer.
(25:48):
So that, you know, it changed everything. Like,it changed where I lived, it changed where
I went. My friend group changed, like that.And I was the person who brought everybody
(26:08):
together. And then now, you know, for a timeI had to see them be together without me. very
publicly, might I add. So therefore, becauseit's public, I can't really say much because
it'll only look bad on me because everyone elseseems to be fine. So trying to navigate such
(26:31):
an explosive moment in life with no closurefrom anybody. Yeah, it dashed me into the mist.
dealing with things that, that sounds hard becausenaturally, well I don't even know. Tell me
(26:58):
if you agree with this or not. Do you thinkit's a natural thing to want to keep things
that hurt you private? Or do you think that'ssomething society has created?
I think it's, I would say depending on who theperson is, it could be either or, because for
(27:20):
some people, regardless of what society saysabout, you know, upper tight lip, like, you
know, the UK, some people still defy that, right?And they go ahead and speak how they're feeling.
And then, you know, for some people, you know,they'll repress and repress and repress, but
they grow up in families that encourage conversation.So... It depends on the type of person. I think
(27:42):
I do think that a lot of times for us men, it'sa matter of pride, and it's a matter of not
wanting to be vulnerable. Not even I think that,that is what it is. Even though like for me,
I don't mind being vulnerable when I can doit almost anywhere, it doesn't mean that I
don't feel the sensations of like that nakedness.It doesn't mean that I don't feel that rumble
(28:05):
in my tummy. I feel everything. I just can'tallow. those feelings to stop me saying what
I need to say because I am aware that for thoseears that are tuned into my voice and my message,
I'm here to be my authentic self so that theycan have permission, give themselves permission
(28:27):
to be their authentic selves, to speak on whateveris going on and call it what it is. That's
so important. And for me, that's what that'sliterally what lets me sleep at night. because
I call a thing a thing. And if I'm strugglingwith something, I have to say, hey, I'm struggling.
When I felt abandoned back in 2017, like I didtell a couple of my close friends who remained.
(28:48):
And I was like, I feel abandoned. It felt really,it felt really, really like shameful to say
that. But that's how I felt. That's interesting,because I asked a question because I know through
speaking on here and obviously people in general,I know that there is a sense of pride in there
and I'm conflicted. I haven't explored. my thoughtson the matter. And I think it might be societal
(29:15):
in terms of keep those things to yourself becauseit could be the parents, it could be the family
network that are used to saying, hmm, you know,someone's feeling some way. We'll talk about
when we get home and you just never have theconversation. Right. And things like that,
that then escalate. or not even escalate, thingslike that just continue in your life. It's
(29:41):
just like, I love me some peeking duck, butthe sauce just cakes on me. And then if I have
like maybe three or four, I can't have any moresauce because it's just making me feel sick
at this point. It's a lot. It's a lot. So if,for instance, I've been told once, we'll talk
about when we get home twice. We'll talk aboutit. By the time I get to the third or fourth
time, I'm sick of it. So I'm just going to I'mjust not going to bother anymore. I'm just
(30:05):
assuming. that's what it is I don't talk aboutit so I'm in a place where I don't talk about
how I feel but if my in quotation marks dirtylaundry is now made public without my consent
that's gonna make me be confronted with feelingsin a public forum I'm not prepared for. I I've
(30:35):
struggled with that. There's times where I haveto be mindful. I like to be the funny person.
I like to make people smile. It's what I do.But I know that I've been guilty of. undermining
people's feelings for the sake of a joke. Ohdear. And that's why I will refrain from trying
(30:58):
to be too comical in a larger group becauseI know that the majority of folks will be okay
with it and find it hilarious or comical. Buteven if it's that one individual that feels
out of place, I feel sick. I feel sick for doingit. So that's something I work on. but it's
(31:19):
just a matter of how many people are self awareand if they are self aware, are they willing
enough to challenge that mentality or not? Yousound like you are a place where you can and
have challenged it successfully. How did youget to that point?
(31:40):
Well, like I said, a big part of it was monitoringwhat conversation is happening in my head.
Like we all have a running tape in our brain,like it's going. And a lot of people drown
it out, whether it's by scrolling or streamingor smoking or whatever. Right. Whereas I hear
(32:08):
things and when it resonates with me, even ifit's a little bit uncomfortable, I'm like,
okay, cool, just wait there, let's wait on that.And then I'll look at it later when I'm by
myself. and I explore what it makes me feel.And then I start calling stuff by its name.
(32:33):
I'm like, oof, this felt really bad. This feltlike deep rejection. This felt really like,
oof, I got dashed. That's what, you know. AndI'm not talking about January 2017. I'm talking
about any moment that rejection tries to knockat my door. It's a very intense feeling. Because
(32:57):
the roots of that particular trauma are verydeep. you see. But because I've been going
down there and trying to pluck as much as Ican, you know, so that it doesn't take hold
or keep hold of my life, I'm finding that I'mlearning so much stuff, I'm able to let go
(33:20):
of a lot of stuff, and I'm able to be more awareof what's happening right now. So right now,
if I say something that's out of line, I'm mostlikely going to catch it very soon after I've
said it. I'm like, that was not the right thingto say. Because I'm very present in the conversation
and I know what we're talking about, what we'resupposed to be talking about, you know. So
(33:45):
I just find that like spending real time sittingwith myself even in the uncomfortable times
and this transformation for me which continuesto happen. It really started just over two
years ago, where I began to live completelyby myself. I don't share my kitchen, I don't
(34:08):
share my bathroom. I live completely by myself.And I have done so for just over two years.
I
don't have people up in my house. I'm not afan of having a whole bunch of people in my
house all the time. I have four main visitorsand they don't come that frequently. I have
a lot of time alone. So I've had time to addressthat rejection and be like, so what does it
(34:33):
mean? What does this mean? Why do I feel thisway? And then I'll replay some stuff that might've
happened whenever it happened at whatever stagebecause there's various things. And then I'm
like, okay, and then is this really consequential?And I asked myself, I'm like, come on dude,
(34:54):
is this consequential? And I'm like, it's notconsequential. So we dash it and we go to the
next thing. Is it consequential? Yeah, thishurt me. Yeah, but did that person cause you
hurt or do you just feel hurt because you don'tlike what they said? And then I'm like, they
didn't say anything offensive. I just don'tlike what they said. I don't like the shape
of their head either. Yes, I just judged. Hmm,I'm human. Is it consequential? No, it's not
(35:19):
consequential. So we dash it.
That's really interesting. I really like, well,that was a very important question where you
(35:41):
had to differentiate between the two there.Did anyone model that to you? No. It's just
because it just feels like such a, such a eurekamoment for you to suddenly be that way because,
and I don't care who feels any which way whenthey hear this, but. When it came to people
(36:02):
saying, oh, you're woke and stuff, I never fullyunderstood what woke was, if I'm honest with
you. It took me a while to fully understandthat term itself and what it meant. But when
you really think about it, or at least I did,and it's like, we're all growing, evolving,
changing, and stuff like that. I'm having todeal with my children who are mentally and
physically developing each and every day. Sowhy is it that one day they don't understand
(36:31):
or understand time or understand distance andwhatnot, but then one day the penny finally
drops. Why is it then unusual for us as adultsto suddenly understand empathy, to understand
that actions have consequences? People thinkit's a bad thing to be woke, but I think that
(36:55):
by being woke, that is just part of your naturaldevelopment. And if you... Go out of your way
to stop yourself from being in quotation, bark,woke. You're stunting your own growth and you're
purposefully hurting others through your ignorance.Hmm. So I'll tell you what, I don't, I understand
(37:22):
that by the definition of the word, some peoplemight refer to me as work, yeah, I get it.
But it's most definitely one of those labelsthat I just really don't care for. So even
the conversation surrounding it, is being worka good thing, is it a bad thing? I don't actually
care, like at all. You know, the way I don'tcare. is so enormous that like it doesn't even
(37:51):
exist to me because for me I desire growth rightand I'm under no illusion of what growth entails
there's pressure yeah that means being crushedthere's refinement that means getting burned
there's being broken and that's what happensfive miles down the road where you've been
(38:15):
rejected by what you thought was an opportunitythat was made for you, right? sometimes growth
involves some of, if not all of, those sensations.But for me, it's like if I stay where I'm at.
(38:37):
That is actually my single greatest fear toeven to be in the same place I was 365 days
ago. Oof. And I set my mind on this when I wasstill a child. I set my mind on this when I
(38:57):
was still a child, I was about 13 years old.And it's a conversation in my own head and
I just said, I cannot be here this time nextyear. So for me, that's how I take it, that's
how I take growth, except I'm no longer lookingat year to year, I'm looking at moment to moment,
(39:20):
not the grand moments, the little moments. Focuson the step in front of you rather than the
whole staircase. That's right. What supportdid you have going through those times from
2017 onwards? So. One of my dear friends, Robert,that man is an angel. That man is an angel
(39:47):
because he was there for all the tears, thesleepless nights. He would come and visit to
my new place where I'd moved to, an amazing,amazing friend, a spiritual confidant, someone
who I can pray with, someone who I can reasonwith so, so honestly. He's a no-nonsense person.
(40:14):
He's an absolutely no-nonsense person, and Ilove that. Says what he means and means what
he says. Man's got integrity. The man's gotkindness. The man's got compassion, but he's
also stern. He's smart. So, when you've gotsomeone like that who's lent a hand of kindness,
(40:37):
you treat them well, you show them love, youshow them respect. And I tell him countless
times, he came to visit not that long ago. AndI've said this to many, many times and I'll
keep on saying it. The thing that I admire aboutRob the most is his unique ability to foster
relationships with others. And the reason whythat gift of his is so remarkable to me is
(41:03):
because I'm very good at fostering relationshipswith others. But his way is so unique and so
dope. We're not even in the same book. And Ijust admire it so much. And I'm always telling
him, like, I'm like, do you understand? Do youunderstand? Like, because I've seen some of
(41:25):
the people that he has to relationship manage,some of them they're difficult, but the grace
with which he does it, I'm like, oh, I see,I see. He has a sour side though. It's really
funny. I have to, oh God, it's so funny. LikeI don't even mind telling people like he's
got a sour side. So so for me, it's like, justbe good to Robin, be good to his people, because
(41:49):
the sour side is sour. Wow. You got to haveyou got to have some soldiers in your camp.
But no, Rob is one of them. And then I've hada couple of I've got a couple of cousins who
are really, really great. They're really good.And I had, I've got a friend of mine who I
(42:10):
also work with. And she, she's been, particularlyover the last three years, she's been a rock,
none like I've ever seen. And she does thiswhile raising her whole brood of children,
she has plenty. And while being a hero for thecommunity and while raising my nine-year-old
(42:33):
godson. She's an absolute godsend, an absolutehero. So it's, you know, it's, they're the
people who I refer to as my village. And thevillage is very rich and wealthy and full of
love and warmth and appreciation. And everyonein there is authentic and they are straight
talkers. And there is not one yes man in thatvillage. And that is important. It's lovely
(42:58):
to hear that you have that level of supportaround you. Are you able? within your circle
of villagers, are you able to just, if you'rehaving a day where you're just not on it and
you have to be around people, are you able tobe around them and still carry that same energy
(43:21):
when you feel low? Or are they, or do you feelthat you have to pick up your spirits just
because you're around them? No. I forewarn peopleif I'm not in the mood. So I'll still do what
I said I'll do. I'll do the commitment. Butif I'm grumpy, I'll be like, I'm grumpy today,
(43:44):
guys. And if someone doesn't listen to
me, and then I end up snapping at them, I'mlike, look, I warned you. Just let me be. And
I've had to do this. On my 27th birthday, I'mlike, I'm There was a party, you know, Rob,
(44:04):
again, God love this guy. He organized a lunchfor me. There was a whole bunch of guests and
whatever in London Bridge. And then we all wentback to my house and I had this lovely terrace
house at the time with the garden. So, you know,he ordered in pieces. More people came to the
house. There was a whole Michael Jackson competitionhappening in the dining room. People were posting
(44:28):
on their Instagram and their Snapchat. I wasn'ta little bit watching the big bad theory.
And people kept asking me what's wrong. AndI said, nothing is wrong. This is the mood
I'm in. I want to watch Big Bang. So I let themparty. I'm glad they got to party. People left
on the Reggie. One of my boys locked himselfin the bathroom. So he just slipped on the
(44:50):
rug. It was big enough. So, you know. Um, butlike I remember waking up in the living room
with the TV still on. And then I remember justlike going upstairs to my room. And I was content.
I was fine. I forewarn people, it's like, thisis how I'm feeling. So if I'm not really feeling
up to it, if it's a complete no, I'll just sayit's a nothing day. And if I say it's a nothing
(45:16):
day, there's no convincing me, there's no tryingto get me to come in. Like, yeah, it's happened
a few times in the last few months where, youknow, a day just wasn't doing for me what I
felt like it needed to do. And also I wasn'tgoing to be effective. in the space that I
was required to be in. So I was honest withthe people that I had to speak to and say,
(45:37):
it's not happening. Why? Because I don't feellike it's appropriate for me to show up feeling
how I'm feeling. I don't think it's appropriatefor the job. I love that you have that ability
to, or have that ability if you don't stillhave it, to just show up as you are. And that's
something I've... gone out of my way to sortof deal with my eldest. I say my eldest because
(45:59):
my youngest is still too young to sort of havethat conversation with as such, but I just
kind of allow him that grace because I can'texpect my son to wake up being happy, clapping
and sing song all the rest of it. He's not thatguy. I'm not that guy. So I can't expect him
to show up 100% of the time that way becauseI don't show up 100% of the time that way.
(46:19):
I just need to allow him to feel what he's feelingand not. be angry with him because he's showing
up in a different way. Yes, there might be timeswhere he reacts in a way that doesn't need
to happen. And we have a conversation aboutit saying, why are you carrying on like that?
If you start doing that, are you more likelyto get what you want or not get what you want?
(46:43):
And he understands he won't get what he wantsif he acts a certain way. And that's because
I'm not trying to be. someone that tells himoff repeatedly, I'm trying to help him adopt
habits that let him know that he can talk whenhe needs to communicate and also At the bare
minimum, these are the things you need to doregardless of how you feel just to keep things
(47:09):
moving along because I think Especially in thesociety that we're in at the moment and I'd
imagine will continue for a while where mentalhealth is so important, if I don't help him
to be emotionally articulate, don't allow himtime to express himself, he's gonna be overwhelmed
(47:30):
with a series of emotions and feelings thatmany people may not afford him time to express
or to try and understand of him. But if I canhelp him to just say, son, this is what you
gotta do at the bare minimum, and these arethe reasons why it will help him. And when
I had depression a number of years ago, partof the frustration I had from being depressed
(47:52):
is the fact that because things got to me thatI ended up putting a hand break up and just
not progressing, I was then upset when I wasready to integrate that I was that much further
behind everyone else that it required more energyfor me to catch up. So if at the bare minimum,
regardless of how I felt, I could do certainactivities, it wouldn't be such a hard slog
(48:13):
to keep up because I was doing those things.But... In a day, I'm willing to accept that
how I'm doing things may not be the right wayof doing it, especially with him or any of
the other two, but I do it with the best intentionand I'm open-minded to receive it. But again,
I really love the fact you're able to be whoyou are and be that way because I think many
(48:36):
of us show up because we feel I have a dutyto show up and just be that. that version of
us that everyone expects us to be and not showthe other side. And that's part of the reason
again, why I love this podcast because it showspeople that, yes, for the outside looking in,
you might be super successful with their eyesand you might always be a super amazing person
(48:58):
that always cops a W and never gets an L. Andthe reality is that's not the case. And I guess
I would ask you, if you could go back to a timewhen things were really bad for you during
that time, when would it be and what would yousay to your younger self to try and don't give
(49:26):
up, don't, this is what you need to do. Whenwould it be and what would you say to yourself?
So the darkest time.
Amongst a few, the darkest time I would saywas December slash January. So December 2021,
(49:48):
January 2022. Horrible, horrible, horrible.And interesting you should ask the question,
what would I say to my younger self? Becauseactually what did happen is that I was reading
about inner child healing therapy. and
(50:14):
I actually decided to start having conversationswith that little kid.
First of all, to let him know that I'm here,you know, the big me, I'm here. And I told
him that you're not delusional about what youthink happened, because it did happen. The
(50:40):
conversation was stigmatized. Don't worry, you'vegot this. and I'll go back to the point where
I actually have a poem somewhere that I wroteto the younger me. You happy to share it?
No. Fair enough. Because it's not fair to him.One of the things that screwed him over is
(51:03):
that he got overexposed too young. And thatfor me as a developing adult that really warped
my idea around relationships in general. SoI developed quite late when it comes to how
to have quote unquote, normal relationshipswithout my brain doing 10,000 miles an hour.
(51:26):
Because everything was so Topsy Turvy growingup. But yeah, from last year, I just started
having regular conversations with my other self.And one particular time, a friend of mine disclosed
to me something that had happened to someonethat she knows. And that thing really resonated
with me, like in terms of something that I'veexperienced growing up. I remember it really
(51:52):
struck me and the normal instinct would havebeen, okay, so let's just put that in the chest
over there and then we'll see about it later.But what I did was I held onto it, like almost
like in front of me for the duration of my visitsat that time. And I said, I'm gonna walk home,
(52:13):
an hour walk. I could have just got the bus.But I said, I'm gonna walk home and I'm gonna
walk home with this thing that I just caught.right, this piece of information that resonates
with me quite painfully actually, I'm goingto carry this thing with me. And I walked as
I listened to classical music in the dark, Brixtonthrough Hearn Hill and so on and so forth.
(52:36):
And then when I got home, I put this thing tothe side. And I decided that I was going to
have a conversation with my young self aboutthat very thing that took place. That thing
that I was never, ever given the opportunityto speak of freely without being judged, without
(52:59):
being persecuted, without being made fun of.Right? I was able to have a conversation with
that little boy. I cried my eyes out. The typesof things I say to him is stuff like you were
right all along, cause I was. I saw things forwhat they were and that's what pissed people
(53:20):
off. Ha ha
(53:41):
which basically says there's a level of intelligence,there's a level of anything that you should
not be able to surpass. And if you do, you needto rein it in when that is a very crab in bucket
mentality. We should be supporting one anotherand try and elevate one another. But with you're
saying you're too clever, you're too this, that'svery much the opposite. And I discourage that
(54:07):
every possible avenue. because I don't wantanyone putting out my babies. I don't want
anyone putting in themselves. You can't be toosmart. You are what you are and God bless you.
You know what I mean? Just embrace it. It'slike even with my godson, because he loves
to negotiate. The boy loves the negotiation.He's actually ridiculous. And I'm proud of
(54:29):
that, right? I am. I just don't like it whenhe negotiates with me. So instead of fobbing
him off and lying to him. or whatever, right?When he tries to negotiate with me and I don't
feel like it, I just tell him straight, I amnot negotiating with you. And so he sometimes
thinks it's a challenge and I'm like, no, yourtenacity is beautiful, okay? And I mean that,
(54:53):
I'm not being sarcastic. And I'm so glad thatyou can express what you're feeling and what
you want from me. But now what I need you toalso practice successfully is your ability
to comprehend that I said no. And as much asit's okay for you to fight your cause, it's
also okay for me to say no, now may you pleaseleave me be. It's a no-brainer. Like it's a
(55:19):
no-brainer. Yeah, that is important. And yeah,I've got a conversation that's coming out that
will talk about that in a little bit more detail.So it's interesting these segments are overlapping.
So you said that to your younger self. I tellmy younger self you were right the whole time
(55:39):
and I tell my younger self this was not yourfault and I tell my younger self you're right,
you were not protected So if you're not callingthat an L and I know you've said it
Not rejection, it's redirection. Redirectionthrough rejection, yeah. Are you still holding
on to that? Or is there anything else? No. There'ssome stuff that, like I've really dropped a
(56:06):
lot of stuff. And me sharing this, man, similarto the last time we spoke. Anyone who feels
a way, feels a way. I don't really care. It'smy story. And... no one's getting chucked under
the bus. I'm talking about what I'm learningand what I'm developing and how it's manifesting
(56:28):
in my life all around, you know, and I'm really,I'm really proud of that. I'm really proud
of who I am. I've let go of a lot of things.I've let go of a lot of things and I just feel
so much lighter for it. Interestingly, I hostedmy mother's husband's Birthday party some time
(56:51):
ago and it was such a nice affair. It was reallynice event And we had fun and the next day
I spoke with one of my cousins and we hadn'tseen each other since last summer and She she
said to me all you know It's good to see youlooking good and so on and so forth and I was
like, thank you very much And then she saidsomething interesting completely out of a good
(57:15):
heart. No, no malice whatsoever completely outof a good hardship, because I'm just so glad
that you finally met someone who makes you sohappy. I was like, huh? I was like, no, sis,
I'm single. What? I thought he was all lovedup. I was like, no, not at all. Like, I mean,
(57:36):
I'm loved up with me. I said, what you're seeingis that I've dug a well of love within myself.
Because when I start thinking about how I getwhen I have a romantic interest in somebody,
oh man, I'm ready to fly from here to the moon.But when have I flown to the moon for myself?
(57:57):
I have to, I've had to, I told you internalconversation, I've had to sort out that internal
dialogue as well. There I go, typing a loveletter on my phone, takataka, and I'm like,
wait, stop, stop. When have you said these wordsto yourself? legit, not wearing it as a mask
(58:20):
on the road for people so that, you know, theydon't mess with you. No, like, when have you
actually worn these words as your own cloak?When have you done that? And I had to be honest
with myself at the times and be like, I haven't.But then in the name of avoidance, I didn't
(58:40):
actually answer straight away. I just went aheadand started writing poetry to myself and started
writing love letters to myself. And then I waslike, yeah, I wasn't doing this, but I am now.
Okay, I am.
(59:04):
That's nice, because I do promote acknowledgingwho you are in your reflections. When you're
looking in the mirror, just acknowledging whoyou are and feeling what you're feeling and
acknowledging those feelings. Writing wordsof affection and being loved up with yourself.
I guess I've stopped shy of that. Don't knowwhy, just never explored it, but it's something
(59:27):
I'll probably try and adopt into what I do.Be able to... say positive things about myself
and encourage other people to say more positivestuff about themselves because it's something
we need. And I think that is missing in a lotof our lives. Let me tell you what actually
(59:47):
brought me to the place where I began actuallywriting these things to myself, right? I recently
started asking some friends a very importantquestion. Okay. And when I thought of this,
I don't know why I hadn't done it before. Butit came to me one day and I said, I need to
(01:00:12):
ask this question. The first person I did askthe is a love interest, but I didn't, I didn't
take it there. Right. But I did ask this question.And the reaction I got was, was very, very
appropriate actually, because well, you'll understand.I asked the question, how do you want me to
love you? And so I asked this question to myfriends and said love interest, wink, wink.
(01:00:38):
Right. And then when we answered each otherwith each respective person, because it was
different times, different places. Then I hadto now ask myself the way that these lot said
that they want to be loved. Can I love themlike that? Then I had to ask another question.
Hold on. Do I love me like that? Because peopleanswered things like, I want to be loved honestly.
(01:01:05):
I want to be loved openly. I want to be lovedtruthfully. I want to be loved honorably, you
know? I want to be loved wildly, I said thatone. You know, just all these different, I
want to be loved so and so. And it was nice.But I was like, okay, this is a lot of hats.
(01:01:28):
for people to wear. How much of that have Igot even going on for myself? Because some
of it sounds really nice. Oh, I want to be lovedwildly, yes. But do I have the capacity to
love someone wildly? Like if they wanna be lovedwildly all the time, I don't know, I have to
assess that. But then do I love myself wildlyenough? And so for me, I'm really looking at
(01:01:49):
how do I, like how do I fan these flames andjust make them as big as possible and, you
know. Because now I'm also clocking as a grownup that, wow, when I was growing up, there
were people who were the age that I am now,who would see me at like 10 years old, 11 years
old, and be so intimidated by the flame thatI was, that they did and said things to make
(01:02:13):
me try and minimize myself. So now I'm like,ah, minimize for who? Minimize where? So I
am like, I'm just so grateful that 2017 to like2020. tuish saga did not douse my flames. And
the reason why I was saying, you know, redirectionto rejection is because every one of these
(01:02:39):
lessons, right, have all pointed me back tome, the good and the bad. The good things I've
said, the ugly things I've said, the amazingthings I've achieved, the stupid decisions
I've made. It's all come back to me, the characterthat I possess. What is it made up of? Is it
(01:03:05):
fruit or is it weeds? Flowers or thorns, likewhat are you growing in your garden? Which
wolf are you feeding? We can go to any analogy,right? What am I doing? It came back to me.
And I guess it's not only just what. are yougrowing? It's what are you allowing to grow?
(01:03:29):
That's right. That's right. And by having toreally like face myself, and to face yourself
in the good can also be just as difficult asseeing yourself in a bad light. You might not
want to see the bad in you because you know,it makes you feel shame, right? But sometimes
you might not want to believe the good in youbecause perhaps the environment you grew up
(01:03:53):
in just as a random one. wasn't really supportive,right? But I'm in such a place now where, like
I said, the last two years have been completelyalone. And there's been lots of loneliness
involved in there. There's been lots of sillydecisions made. There's been lots of great
decisions made. There've been lots of momentswhen I've been really super proud of what I
will have done in a moment. And there's momentswhen I haven't been so proud of what I would
(01:04:16):
have done in a moment. But what I've realisedis that by actually braving it and facing back
to me and looking back to me and understanding,OK, so what is my purpose? in this? Like how
or how does this moment concur with my purpose?If it doesn't then I have to let it go. If
I don't let it go there's going to be a consequenceand I've seen the consequences enough times
(01:04:40):
Matt. I've seen the consequences enough andlike I've seen them. So like I'm like no. So
for instance this year ah I called it the yearof the monk for me because I have not shared
myself with anybody whatsoever. nor have I wantedto because the stakes this year were too high
(01:05:02):
to lose focus in the physical pleasure of anotherhuman being like that just carelessly it just
couldn't fit could not fit this year's agendait couldn't in the short answer how would you
or how do you prevent yourself from loving yourselftoo much before you become self-absorbed. A
(01:05:28):
narcissist is another word for it. You haveto stay grounded with community. You have to
stay grounded with lots of different types ofpeople genuinely. Like you have to be connected
to as many different walks of life as possible.But there's what you don't want to do is to
lose touch with reality. You can love yourselfand adore yourself, but still have compassion
(01:05:51):
for the mother whose son just got murdered attheir doorstep a couple of weeks ago. and be
there without ego, without fashion or flair,to deliver tissue paper and juice boxes, to
get me, you know, to be able to show up anddeliver a compassionate listening training
course for people who've experienced the tragedycommunity and be able to understand that, just
(01:06:16):
because I feel fabulous and I feel amazing,doesn't mean that there isn't hurt in the world.
And particularly because I know what that hurtfeels like. Man. I'm the first one in the queue
to try and see what I can do to help withinmy capacity, right? To see what I can help
because I can empathize. So empathy and beinggrounded. That is how. Appreciate it. So it
(01:06:39):
wasn't an L. It was rejection flipped into redirection.That's right. For those that don't know, for
the next two minutes, please unapologeticallyplug anything and everything you got going
on and how people can connect with you. Sure,so I'll be bringing back my Black Butter by
(01:07:03):
Organic Glow line very, very soon. So you canget that through my Instagram, which is Ajani
Kingdom, A-J-A-K-I-N-G-D-O-M. You can see everythingto do with my new play, which is coming to
you very, very soon. We actually have a scratchnight, but that would have passed by the time
(01:07:24):
this episode goes out. However, We are on theway, so the play is happening. My EQ learning,
which is my emotional wellbeing organization,we now have four courses running. We've got
the GLP, we've got Brunch Brothers, we've gotthe Compassionate Listening course, and we've
got the I Am course. So this is all stuff that'sgoing on. It's all, you can, all the links
(01:07:46):
are there in the bio on my Instagram. And yeah,this has been great, and I always enjoy these
conversations. And thank you so much for havingme back a second time. Much appreciated. I
feel a different style of conversation, butI think it was timely for the things I've experienced.
(01:08:07):
In my day job, I deal with people that are notin the best place. And two days in a row, I've
had different people come up to me and ask tospeak to me because I've really helped them.
And that's just wild to me because Even thoughthey're not my responsibility in terms of that's
(01:08:27):
not my person. I just stepped in and helpedcover I just treat people I can't tell you
who they are as in I don't remember them likethat But I know that whoever I'm dealing with
I'll give you the best of me that I've got availableto give to you and it's nice that it was able
to help a person and One of them I'll shareand I can't remember if I said it on a previous,
(01:08:51):
actually I did say it on a previous episodeactually But I'll share it again anyway There
was this guy who had this Twitch and he gotvexed with himself and he was shouting himself
going Why did you do that? Just stop it Andthen it was the first time I met the brother
and I was like okay out of curiosity Is shoutingthe best form of communication to get you to
(01:09:14):
do what you need to do? What do you mean? Isaid if you was at work and your manager shouted
at you, what would you say? Or would that bethe best and most effective way to communicate
to you? And he said, well, depends on the situation,but yeah, I'll probably have a word with him
and sort of pull him over and say like, yougot an issue. What's it, you know what I mean?
Why are you shouting at me? And I said, well,if you're talking to yourself in the third
(01:09:37):
person and just saying that shouting is notthe most effective or productive way to talk
to you, why do you shout at yourself? to stopyourself from doing something like that. Right.
And for him, that was a eureka moment. For me,that was the eureka moment because when I'm
(01:09:58):
in a situation, I don't always appreciate thingsor understand it. It's not until I'm outside
of it that I can see it for what it is. Andhe still came and he was just like, yo, that
just meant a lot to me. And he's now talkingkinder to himself. So he said, I'll sit there
and also, and I was like, Twishy is like saying,oh, come on, why are you doing this for? you
know, you don't have to. And I said, I loveit, I like how far you've come. And it's nothing
(01:10:23):
to do with me as such, I just talk, I just share,you're the one accepting it. And that's great.
And it's not just my help, it's the help ofmy colleagues as well. But I said, I'll actually
do one thing further. I said, why don't youtalk to that person like it was a younger version
of yourself? And instead of just saying, whyare you doing that for? Why don't you try,
no, sorry, instead of asking, saying to him,you can do better, you don't have to do this.
(01:10:47):
Why not ask them what caused it? Because youwere sitting there calmly without an issue.
Where did your mind go for what triggered thatto happen? And I'm sure you'd be kinder to
yourself. And you just kind of understood nothing.A lot of ourselves, like I said, we don't talk
to ourselves in a kind enough manner. We'realways just da, da. And we think we get a positive
(01:11:11):
result out of it. And the reality is it's just.It's demoralizing. It is, and we're not kind
to our, we won't accept it from someone else,but we'll talk to ourselves like that in the
mirror. You're this, you're fat, you're stupid,you're silly, you're all of this stuff, but
we never, and we come with it, we say thosethings with energy. Mm-hmm. Pure energy, but
(01:11:35):
when it comes to complimenting ourselves, we'requieter than a mouse when we say anything positive
about ourselves, because we feel that. is inappropriate,but I challenge us to change our mindset. And
I appreciate the conversation, because it'shelped me to feel better about what I do, feel
more confident in that way. And my son who startedschool recently, he had someone that pushed
(01:11:59):
him and stuff like that. And he's like, oh,daddy, I didn't cry. You know, I'm all right.
And I was like, it's all right. You can cryif you need to cry. And, you know, but I just
feel, I'm just upset that you had to go throughthis. And by weekend, I actually said to him,
I'm really proud of how you handled the situationbecause it was a very difficult one and something
(01:12:20):
you haven't been through before. But I loveyou for being you, being unapologetic about
it and handling it the way you did. And I feltit was very important to acknowledge and praise
him for him being himself and not, well donefor listening to daddy, well done for listening
to mommy. I wanted him to take ownership andappreciate himself. So hopefully the words
(01:12:44):
of encouragement I give him, he instills himselfand will talk life into himself on a regular
basis to make sure the flowers, the differentfruits in his garden that he allows to grow
will be ones that other people want to partakefrom because it fills them with richness, with
joy, with happiness, and it won't strangle thegoodness that's growing there. But yeah. Guys,
(01:13:08):
girls, how have you identified? That's the episodethat I'm gonna conclude. I can't wrap it up
in any eloquent way because this conversationjust gone left. Let's say it's gone right,
let's say it's gone right. But it's very differentto how I intended it to go. The format is very
different, but I think it's always nice to freshenthings up. But this is the type of conversations
(01:13:28):
that me and Cass will have from time to time.And if I'm honest with you, these are kind
of tame. So I'm gonna conversation we have avery, very intense. And maybe we'll have a
raw and uncut version where we'll just haveit recording. But I think it's important to
(01:13:51):
have something different. Honestly, I can'ttell you what the overarching theme of this
episode is, but I'm hoping, I'm having faith,I'm trusting that there is people out there
that's gonna get sighted from this conversation.And I ask you. to please reach out to Cass
and just engage with him because he's got somuch that he's doing for the local community
(01:14:15):
and the wider community if they reach out tohim. And he's just a tremendous guy. He's doing
fantastic things. He's- Thank you, dude. Yes,he looks after himself, but he looks after
himself so that he can help others. He's justthat way inclined. And when you meet people
that are like-minded like yourself and got goodenergy. your full not to stay around people
(01:14:36):
like that and to perpetuate that energy backand forth and help a wider community rather
than just your own. So do what you gotta do,folks. Be kind to each other, be kind to yourself.
Look in the mirror and just love on yourself.You are beautiful. You are amazing. You are
incredible. Look at all the things you've overcomein life. Look how you didn't understand how
(01:14:58):
you was gonna get your own property, how youweren't gonna. You didn't know how he was gonna
rent. You didn't know how he was gonna drive.You didn't know he was gonna get a job. You
didn't know he was gonna have kids. You didn'tknow how he was gonna be here in 2023 going
forward. But here you are, because you put onefoot in front of the other, you was focused
on the step rather than the staircase. You'redoing amazing things. Be proud of yourself.
(01:15:21):
Give yourself a massive pat on the back. Yes,there's a whole bunch of stuff going on outside,
but don't worry about that for the minute. loveon yourself, appreciate who you are and know
that the same way your parents loved on youwhen you graced this earth with your presence,
there's people that still love you and if youdon't believe that, make sure you love yourself.
(01:15:41):
I'm going, please leave a review on this ifyou're on Apple podcast or Spotify. just so
that more people can hear these conversations.And if you want exclusive content, feel free
to follow me over at every podcast on Instagram.And yeah, just remember, regardless of what
you're going through, there's nothing abouta caterpillar that tastes gonna be a butterfly.
(01:16:04):
Look after yourself and speak to you next episode.
We now call it close
if somebody does something to me close or noand I express that hey I don't like that thing
that you do and if they decide to do or saywhatever to try and turn things around on me
when all I did was set a boundary then you thatperson can be loved from a distance I'm not
going to develop disrespect towards them I'mnot going to talk ill of them I'm not going
(00:24):
to tell the whole world what they did becauseI also understand that when people do dumb
stuff like that, they usually tend to be goingthrough something that other people don't know
about. It's not a justification, but you know,people when they act out, sometimes there are
symptoms of something that you probably don'teven understand.
(00:58):
Welcome ladies and gentlemen, I'm your host,Mack Brown and you're listening to the Every
L Podcast. Each episode we'll have a differentguest come on and talk about when life hangs
you in L, is it really a loss or is it somethingelse? Because not every L's a loss. So sit
back, relax or do what every guy do to get comfortableas we get into this. Let's go!
(01:30):
Welcome everyone to another episode of EveryL Podcast where every episode we have a different
guest come on, sharing what they consider theL at the point of time and then navigate it
and tell us, ultimately was it actually an Lor was it something else? And an L for those
that don't quite understand what it means, considera game of sports where you either win, lose
(01:54):
or draw. But in life, it's a bit more binarythan that. You rarely ever draw. It's either
a win or it's a loss because you plan thingsto go a certain way. You might invest time,
energy, effort, a whole heap of money into acertain thing that will hopefully give you
a return of X. But instead of getting X, you'regetting some random algebra equation that's
(02:16):
not X. So you're feeling some sort of way becauseif you went to university and you spent 70
grand, on going to university to be whateverprofession it is that's gonna pull you in six
figures, but all of a sudden you're workingfor the local fast food joint. Some would consider
that hell. It's because you could have got thatjob without going into debt like that. But
(02:43):
that is some people's reality. And some peoplemight have learned something or gained something
from that situation. And it's. I think it'sonly right that we talk about these things
and share these stories because this is a realityfor many people and this could be the reality
many people are walking into. And for them tonot feel alone, to make them feel like they've
done something wrong, they can hopefully gethope from the stories that are being shared
(03:08):
through the real people that are telling theirreal stories and being open and honest to allow
people to witness what can happen from a situationthat could have been considered L. But I have
a guest and it is cliche, but it is what itis. I have a fantastic guest. Now he has been
on previously and it's only why I had to gethim a second time because he is so eloquent,
(03:33):
he is so knowledgeable. He's been through hisown. He's been through a few situations, but
he has such tenacity, he has such determination.He is... Kind to himself, despite anything
and everything people may say, but he is kindto himself. He respects himself that much that
(03:58):
he affords himself the grace needed to justtake it easy. Don't beat yourself up, especially
when other people are doing that as well. Andthat is such a rare quality for someone to
exhibit. And I just Honestly, I'm grateful tobe in the presence of someone who's able to
(04:20):
do that which helps me to understand when thereis a storm Going on sometimes you need to just
calm down To be able to process what you needto do first check yourself Make sure there's
no cuts or bruises that's on you that you can'tmaybe feel because you're high in adrenaline
Just calm down and then you can assess the situationand you can proceed as you need to safely and
(04:43):
that's in a roundabout way of what he does.He doesn't know this, but that's a way I paint
a picture of how he is as an individual. AndI'm so honored to have him on. Before I get
him to introduce himself and the way he seesfear, I'm doing something that's somewhat fairly
new and it's for people who may be visuallyimpaired, who may not be able to see us. And
(05:05):
I like to just sort of do a bit of intro todescribe who we are, where we're from and things
like that, just so they have an idea of whatwe look like. So, For instance, I am a black
male who's six, three. My parents are from Jamaica,although many people say they think I'm African
descent, which could be the case. I don't know.I'll ask my mom about who my real daddy is
soon. But yeah, that's me. That's what I looklike. Yeah, I have King Cass here. Please describe
(05:33):
yourself as you feel appropriate to do so, andgive a little bit of an intro about yourself
before we go into your first L. Hello, everyone.Matt, thank you so much for having me again.
It's a pleasure and indeed an honor equallyto have you invite me back. And I can't wait
to get into the conversation. So I am King KastAjani. I am a man with many, many hats. So
(06:01):
we'll go with emotional wellbeing, practitioner,film director, also stage director. We'll get
into that a bit later.
I work in the community, music, and I'm a bigfan of mentoring, and I'm a big fan of these
(06:23):
types of conversations. I am a stocky blackman standing at 5'7", and I have a bald head,
and I love to wear baseball caps, African hats,and berets. He's not wrong, but he rocks them
(06:44):
well. Thank you, I really do. And he's modesttoo. So as we do, we talk about L's and this
one, he did disclose what it was to me. I'llbe frank, I can't remember it, but let's go
back and see what it is. So he said he wouldlike to talk about redirection through rejection.
(07:08):
I don't know, I may know the story, I don'tthink I do. but please go back to where you
feel it's appropriate to start and tell us howit led up to that L and what happened going
forward from there. I think an appropriate momentto go back to, it's January 2017. Yeah. I mean,
(07:32):
stuff was already kind of hot by then, but itwasn't scorching, you know. January 2017 was
the first time that I felt somewhat lost. Itwas the first time that I felt really deep
grief, but it wasn't from a bereavement. Itwas from a series of rejections that took place
(08:03):
in very quick succession. and they all heldvery strong positions in my life at the time.
And I remember November 2016, I just had a sensecome over me that things were going to change
and things were going to change quite drastically.And so I remember just... sticking to my routine
(08:29):
and I'd go downstairs to the pool and swim,you know, come up and then I have my morning
calls and do what I have to do. But then I couldfeel all of it coming to an abrupt end. And
there were several forces at play that broughtall that was going on to an end. So abruptly.
(08:51):
When I found myself, probably say March, April,2017, I felt like the bigger plumes of dust
began to settle. But then everything was verymisty, it was very unclear. The one thing that
I did do is I did talk about it, but not withso many people. But I really spiraled at that
(09:18):
time. I really spiraled, man. And it was calculatedspiraling. Because I can't forget that I actually
have a destiny. I might be pissed off at a point.But I have to remember I've got some stuff
to achieve. When I used to do my nonsense,
(09:43):
I literally would ask myself, do I have energyto waste this weekend? I would actually have
that conversation in my head. And that's howmuch I just didn't care anymore. I was like,
nah. Like I didn't care about like upholdinga certain image or demeanor or just I just
(10:05):
didn't care. I was like, I'm gonna do what Ifeel like doing. And all I cared about was
making sure that I stayed with it mentally.I've never suffered from things like voices
or like, you know, trigger warning, like suicidalthoughts or anything like that. That's not
(10:36):
a part of my journey or my story. And I'm verygrateful because I can't imagine. how anyone
copes with that, you know what I mean? Especiallythose who succeed, you know, to live long lives,
you know? But the challenges I felt were strongenough that I was like, whoa, I can't spill
(10:59):
over here. And then if I fast forward a bitmore time, because I'm not gonna do play for
play like of all the events, but if we fastforward a little bit to 2019, I remember like
that, but that year it just felt like a grilling,but I didn't even know that it was just me
being marinated for the fire that was comingto cook my backside in the next couple of years
(11:23):
that followed. I had no idea. I thought I wasgetting cooked already. I thought this is hard.
You know, I was, I was... renting a room inmy friend's house and I was sleeping on a sofa
bed. It was so uncomfortable. It was so uncomfortable.And I remember... being grateful and just trying
(11:47):
to think of, to think the best of the situationand to make the best of the situation. And
then I started having these spiritual encounters.It was so mad. And I remember like I was in
my room for a couple of days, I kid you not,and I didn't leave and I just had this notepad
and I just kept on writing these notes. Andthen shortly after that, I had a situation
(12:13):
where I was really stressed out. and I was meantto be going to do some community work just
outside of London and had actually spent mylast money on that waste of card and I got
there and I wasn't allowed in because the check-intime had passed, but it's also a prison. So,
(12:33):
you know, once the people have gone through,they've gone through, whatever. And so I was
really gutted that I didn't get to do the workwith the guys in the prison, but I decided
let me just go back home. And as I'm walkingup my road, at the time I lived in London Bridge,
and so I'm walking up my road, and then I sawthe yoga place where I used to go and do hot
(12:55):
yoga. And I was like, the way I'm feeling rightnow, the best thing I can do for myself is
to go into the house, get my gym clothes, andgo and do the 12.30 hot yoga session. And so
I did. Because I had a thought, something...profound hit me that day. I felt like my brain
(13:21):
was getting hot and I realized and I said, youcan't uncooked meat.
So I'm turning all of the stove off. We're notcooking this. And so I took a sabbatical. And
this is a good six months before COVID hit therest of the world. So I took a sabbatical.
(13:49):
I had my own lockdown months before it happenedfor everybody else.
And then fast forward to when lockdown did happen,March 2020, I was working in a primary school.
I was working with the key worker kids, youknow, so because I couldn't bear to be in the
house, especially like with other people. SoI worked and so I was a key worker doing work
(14:13):
for key worker kids. And I did that for thewhole duration. And that took my mind away
from some of the mess that was going on. Butthen it fast forward to the year after that,
when my dad passed away, that's when everythingjust hit the fan like. everything just completely
hit the fan. And all these situations, all theselittle milestones that I'm just touching on,
(14:34):
all of those things in a lot of their, in theirown ways, feel so much like rejection. They
feel so dejective. You know, just when you finda little bit of peace in this area, then something
else has to go. And then just when you finda little bit of peace in this area, then something
else has to go. And it can get, it can get somedisheveling. You know, you can kind of have
(15:00):
a mistrust for life itself, because you're justlike, I don't know. There's no point hoping
sometimes some people might feel because ofhow tough things can get. But I like to be
an optimist. I mean, but when things were ugly,I will say they were ugly. You and I spoke
and you were like, how's things? I was like,they're ugly. So I don't have a problem with
(15:25):
saying that. I'm not gonna like be fake cheerful.It doesn't work. It doesn't work. I sit in
it and I feel it. And I'm like, OK, what doI do with it? OK, and then here's how I'm going
to move forward. And that's just, personally,how I do with things. And then next time I
can recognize when something is around the corneror something's happening to me in that moment,
(15:45):
I can be like, ah, wait, hold on. It's actuallythat thing. But then what I did long for, apart
from being optimistic, and what I genuinelydid long for was just to feel peaceful. I just
longed to feel peaceful and I didn't want tofeel dejected and rejected. It just felt horrible.
But then, summer 2022, this is when things reallystarted to turn around because my relationships
(16:12):
in life started shifting because of the interestthat I developed in understanding my own psyche
a lot more. So I found that with certain individuals,I would explain and be like, yo, I read this
thing. And these things were opening my eyes.Like I was like now getting these, the scientific
(16:34):
backup, like on audible, like I'll be on mywalks listening to this stuff. And this is
not fairy tales and poems. This is like science,it's hard core science. And I'm just like listening
and I'm like, ah, I so get it, I so get it.Because apart from... the L that took place
in January 2017, the reason why it hurt so badwas because it resembled an L that took place
(16:58):
20 years prior and so an unhealed wound gotexposed. So I've had to go back, right? I'm
learning about attachment theory and I'm learningabout developmental trauma. I'm learning about
self- and talk and internal conversations. Andthen I'm also like reflecting on the work that
(17:24):
I do with the young men that I work with. AndI'm just like, okay, I'm gonna take a moment.
So August, 2022, after just getting into allof the study and stuff, I got overwhelmed with
work and everything else. So I quit everything.I quit everything. And after about four months,
(17:45):
I started messing about with some ideas. talkingto some people, rekindling certain lines of
communication. And it really did set pace for2023, you know, and it's been that learning
about myself. Like even, even if someone, somethingas simple as someone said, they'll call me
(18:05):
at, at nine tonight. And really truly, I'm notreally trying to be on the phone at nine o'clock.
When I was younger, yeah, cool, no problem.But now it's like, I want to watch Disney Plus.
BBC I play off I want to watch that so Ravenlike that's what I want to do. I don't want
to talk on the phone at night It's your time.It's my time. I want to do what I want to do
(18:27):
you know and I just find that like what I'vebeen learning has been teaching me to really
take better care of myself, really put myselffirst. And like, what does that look like in
practice? So now I have to have that conversation.What does that look like in practice? So now
(18:49):
I have to answer. Taking good care of myselfmeans I'm going to go down to the market and
buy the fruit fresh and the veg fresh, right?Because that's me looking after my pocket.
I'm not going to be lazy and go to breaks. Iwent to breaks yesterday morning. I don't get,
so no, but like, I'll be like, let me go tothe market. I'll go get my fruit, my veg or
(19:15):
whatever. And then I'll make my vegetable stew.And even the process, like the chopping and
like the peeling and just putting all the differentingredients in there. And I'm making it myself.
Like it feels good. It's alchemy, it's science.Like I'm being creative. And because I don't
cook meals the same way every single time, Ilike to switch this up and just have fun with
(19:35):
it. So I'm excited to taste the dish. That'san example for me what it looks like to take
the care of myself to make a thoughtful dishfor myself and not just dash it on the plate
like I'm some struggling university student.Actually take some care. Like present it properly.
Garnish the thing. Put some cream rings in thesoup. You know, that's what I decided I'm going
(20:02):
to do. So, you know, it's, it spreads onto evenhow I allow people to treat me. And I'm not
talking about this whole, like, I'm going tocut people off and whatever. I'm not, I'm not,
I'm not going to push all of that speech becausethat's not really, that's not really gracious.
And I'm a big, I'm a big, I'm a big person ofgrace. It doesn't mean that I'm going to keep
(20:23):
people close if they do me wrong over and overagain. an instance is that if somebody does
something to me, close or no. And I expressthat, hey, I don't like that thing that you
do. And if they decide to do or say whateverto try and turn things around on me when all
(20:48):
I did was set a boundary, then that person canbe loved from a distance. I'm not going to
develop disrespect towards them. I'm not goingto talk ill of them. I'm not going to tell
the whole world what they did. Because I alsounderstand that when people do dumb stuff like
(21:11):
that, they usually tend to be going throughsomething that other people don't know about.
It's not a justification, but you know, people,when they act out, sometimes they're symptoms
of something that you probably don't even understand.
(21:43):
And you don't want to understand it and youdon't need to understand it. So just for me,
I just drop, I just drop it and then I keepit moving. If somebody tries to approach me
and this has happened at a later date, likeas if nothing happened, I'm like, no, come
on now, let's talk about it. Cause I can't,I can't do it. I can't do it. Like, you know,
(22:06):
so that's how I would put it. It's like, wewill talk. We can be cordial. But let's not
act like everything is cool when we haven'taddressed what needs to be addressed, especially
if you call yourself my friend, if you callyourself a close relative or whatever. You
know, if you call yourself those things, thenbe that. For me, when I do wrong, I make it
(22:29):
a point that I put my hands up. I know thisabout myself. I put my hands up and I say,
I am sorry for what I did. If I have a reasonfor it, I'll explain the reason. If I don't
have a reason, I will tell them. I'll be like,I have no stories for you. I didn't have a
reason. I was being dumb. That's fair. Althoughhe was late for the recording and he didn't
(22:52):
hold his hands up for that. So just throwingthat one out there. I said sorry eventually
for like one of the things you were complainingabout. Plus also at the same time, you were
only half serious about your moaning. So I didn'tthink- One of the things. Folks, just throw
it out there. I'm holding accountable. So I'vegot a question for you then. So going back
(23:14):
to 2017 and just having the rejections, wouldyou mind sharing a few of the things that you
felt were rejections? Because I'm very consciousthat when we talk about L's on this podcast,
it's literally just people dealing with griefin its many different forms. And rejection
(23:37):
for me, can be silly things. It doesn't haveto be, oh, I got rejected for a job I applied
for. It could be me reaching out to someoneand they're just giving me air. Like I'm Jordan,
I just want to reach out, check on you, andyou're just not reciprocating the energy I'm
(23:58):
putting out there. That's a form of rejection.There could be times where, because you're
very much a creative and you have been as longas I've known you, it could be you're trying
to pitch an idea. and people just not catchingthe vibe that you're putting out. That's a
full rejection and many other things, but Ijust, I don't know. So I just didn't know if
(24:18):
you was happy to share just a couple of thingsof what was the rejection that you felt at
the time or you experienced at the time, whichled you to go on the path that you went on.
So I'll begin by saying some of the examplesyou gave, particularly, pitching and trying
(24:40):
to connect with certain individuals, industry-wise,and that sort of example, that's like sprinkles
of that within the story. But then nothing thatreally stands out, but there's lots of little
sprinkles of it because that's just the natureof it, right? That doesn't really do well on
(25:01):
oneself. It's not great. But then somethingyou can learn to live with is kind of like
white noise. is to stab. more particularly January2017. And I say January because January is
when everything had been done, but basicallyin the space of six weeks.
(25:28):
My relationships with my then girlfriend andmy two best friends were completely obliterated
irreparably and In none of those lanes was thereany closer.
(25:48):
So that, you know, it changed everything. Like,it changed where I lived, it changed where
I went. My friend group changed, like that.And I was the person who brought everybody
(26:08):
together. And then now, you know, for a timeI had to see them be together without me. very
publicly, might I add. So therefore, becauseit's public, I can't really say much because
it'll only look bad on me because everyone elseseems to be fine. So trying to navigate such
(26:31):
an explosive moment in life with no closurefrom anybody. Yeah, it dashed me into the mist.
dealing with things that, that sounds hard becausenaturally, well I don't even know. Tell me
(26:58):
if you agree with this or not. Do you thinkit's a natural thing to want to keep things
that hurt you private? Or do you think that'ssomething society has created?
I think it's, I would say depending on who theperson is, it could be either or, because for
(27:20):
some people, regardless of what society saysabout, you know, upper tight lip, like, you
know, the UK, some people still defy that, right?And they go ahead and speak how they're feeling.
And then, you know, for some people, you know,they'll repress and repress and repress, but
they grow up in families that encourage conversation.So... It depends on the type of person. I think
(27:42):
I do think that a lot of times for us men, it'sa matter of pride, and it's a matter of not
wanting to be vulnerable. Not even I think that,that is what it is. Even though like for me,
I don't mind being vulnerable when I can doit almost anywhere, it doesn't mean that I
don't feel the sensations of like that nakedness.It doesn't mean that I don't feel that rumble
(28:05):
in my tummy. I feel everything. I just can'tallow. those feelings to stop me saying what
I need to say because I am aware that for thoseears that are tuned into my voice and my message,
I'm here to be my authentic self so that theycan have permission, give themselves permission
(28:27):
to be their authentic selves, to speak on whateveris going on and call it what it is. That's
so important. And for me, that's what that'sliterally what lets me sleep at night. because
I call a thing a thing. And if I'm strugglingwith something, I have to say, hey, I'm struggling.
When I felt abandoned back in 2017, like I didtell a couple of my close friends who remained.
(28:48):
And I was like, I feel abandoned. It felt really,it felt really, really like shameful to say
that. But that's how I felt. That's interesting,because I asked a question because I know through
speaking on here and obviously people in general,I know that there is a sense of pride in there
and I'm conflicted. I haven't explored. my thoughtson the matter. And I think it might be societal
(29:15):
in terms of keep those things to yourself becauseit could be the parents, it could be the family
network that are used to saying, hmm, you know,someone's feeling some way. We'll talk about
when we get home and you just never have theconversation. Right. And things like that,
that then escalate. or not even escalate, thingslike that just continue in your life. It's
(29:41):
just like, I love me some peeking duck, butthe sauce just cakes on me. And then if I have
like maybe three or four, I can't have any moresauce because it's just making me feel sick
at this point. It's a lot. It's a lot. So if,for instance, I've been told once, we'll talk
about when we get home twice. We'll talk aboutit. By the time I get to the third or fourth
time, I'm sick of it. So I'm just going to I'mjust not going to bother anymore. I'm just
(30:05):
assuming. that's what it is I don't talk aboutit so I'm in a place where I don't talk about
how I feel but if my in quotation marks dirtylaundry is now made public without my consent
that's gonna make me be confronted with feelingsin a public forum I'm not prepared for. I I've
(30:35):
struggled with that. There's times where I haveto be mindful. I like to be the funny person.
I like to make people smile. It's what I do.But I know that I've been guilty of. undermining
people's feelings for the sake of a joke. Ohdear. And that's why I will refrain from trying
(30:58):
to be too comical in a larger group becauseI know that the majority of folks will be okay
with it and find it hilarious or comical. Buteven if it's that one individual that feels
out of place, I feel sick. I feel sick for doingit. So that's something I work on. but it's
(31:19):
just a matter of how many people are self awareand if they are self aware, are they willing
enough to challenge that mentality or not? Yousound like you are a place where you can and
have challenged it successfully. How did youget to that point?
(31:40):
Well, like I said, a big part of it was monitoringwhat conversation is happening in my head.
Like we all have a running tape in our brain,like it's going. And a lot of people drown
it out, whether it's by scrolling or streamingor smoking or whatever. Right. Whereas I hear
(32:08):
things and when it resonates with me, even ifit's a little bit uncomfortable, I'm like,
okay, cool, just wait there, let's wait on that.And then I'll look at it later when I'm by
myself. and I explore what it makes me feel.And then I start calling stuff by its name.
(32:33):
I'm like, oof, this felt really bad. This feltlike deep rejection. This felt really like,
oof, I got dashed. That's what, you know. AndI'm not talking about January 2017. I'm talking
about any moment that rejection tries to knockat my door. It's a very intense feeling. Because
(32:57):
the roots of that particular trauma are verydeep. you see. But because I've been going
down there and trying to pluck as much as Ican, you know, so that it doesn't take hold
or keep hold of my life, I'm finding that I'mlearning so much stuff, I'm able to let go
(33:20):
of a lot of stuff, and I'm able to be more awareof what's happening right now. So right now,
if I say something that's out of line, I'm mostlikely going to catch it very soon after I've
said it. I'm like, that was not the right thingto say. Because I'm very present in the conversation
and I know what we're talking about, what we'resupposed to be talking about, you know. So
(33:45):
I just find that like spending real time sittingwith myself even in the uncomfortable times
and this transformation for me which continuesto happen. It really started just over two
years ago, where I began to live completelyby myself. I don't share my kitchen, I don't
(34:08):
share my bathroom. I live completely by myself.And I have done so for just over two years.
I
don't have people up in my house. I'm not afan of having a whole bunch of people in my
house all the time. I have four main visitorsand they don't come that frequently. I have
a lot of time alone. So I've had time to addressthat rejection and be like, so what does it
(34:33):
mean? What does this mean? Why do I feel thisway? And then I'll replay some stuff that might've
happened whenever it happened at whatever stagebecause there's various things. And then I'm
like, okay, and then is this really consequential?And I asked myself, I'm like, come on dude,
(34:54):
is this consequential? And I'm like, it's notconsequential. So we dash it and we go to the
next thing. Is it consequential? Yeah, thishurt me. Yeah, but did that person cause you
hurt or do you just feel hurt because you don'tlike what they said? And then I'm like, they
didn't say anything offensive. I just don'tlike what they said. I don't like the shape
of their head either. Yes, I just judged. Hmm,I'm human. Is it consequential? No, it's not
(35:19):
consequential. So we dash it.
That's really interesting. I really like, well,that was a very important question where you
(35:41):
had to differentiate between the two there.Did anyone model that to you? No. It's just
because it just feels like such a, such a eurekamoment for you to suddenly be that way because,
and I don't care who feels any which way whenthey hear this, but. When it came to people
(36:02):
saying, oh, you're woke and stuff, I never fullyunderstood what woke was, if I'm honest with
you. It took me a while to fully understandthat term itself and what it meant. But when
you really think about it, or at least I did,and it's like, we're all growing, evolving,
changing, and stuff like that. I'm having todeal with my children who are mentally and
physically developing each and every day. Sowhy is it that one day they don't understand
(36:31):
or understand time or understand distance andwhatnot, but then one day the penny finally
drops. Why is it then unusual for us as adultsto suddenly understand empathy, to understand
that actions have consequences? People thinkit's a bad thing to be woke, but I think that
(36:55):
by being woke, that is just part of your naturaldevelopment. And if you... Go out of your way
to stop yourself from being in quotation, bark,woke. You're stunting your own growth and you're
purposefully hurting others through your ignorance.Hmm. So I'll tell you what, I don't, I understand
(37:22):
that by the definition of the word, some peoplemight refer to me as work, yeah, I get it.
But it's most definitely one of those labelsthat I just really don't care for. So even
the conversation surrounding it, is being worka good thing, is it a bad thing? I don't actually
care, like at all. You know, the way I don'tcare. is so enormous that like it doesn't even
(37:51):
exist to me because for me I desire growth rightand I'm under no illusion of what growth entails
there's pressure yeah that means being crushedthere's refinement that means getting burned
there's being broken and that's what happensfive miles down the road where you've been
(38:15):
rejected by what you thought was an opportunitythat was made for you, right? sometimes growth
involves some of, if not all of, those sensations.But for me, it's like if I stay where I'm at.
(38:37):
That is actually my single greatest fear toeven to be in the same place I was 365 days
ago. Oof. And I set my mind on this when I wasstill a child. I set my mind on this when I
(38:57):
was still a child, I was about 13 years old.And it's a conversation in my own head and
I just said, I cannot be here this time nextyear. So for me, that's how I take it, that's
how I take growth, except I'm no longer lookingat year to year, I'm looking at moment to moment,
(39:20):
not the grand moments, the little moments. Focuson the step in front of you rather than the
whole staircase. That's right. What supportdid you have going through those times from
2017 onwards? So. One of my dear friends, Robert,that man is an angel. That man is an angel
(39:47):
because he was there for all the tears, thesleepless nights. He would come and visit to
my new place where I'd moved to, an amazing,amazing friend, a spiritual confidant, someone
who I can pray with, someone who I can reasonwith so, so honestly. He's a no-nonsense person.
(40:14):
He's an absolutely no-nonsense person, and Ilove that. Says what he means and means what
he says. Man's got integrity. The man's gotkindness. The man's got compassion, but he's
also stern. He's smart. So, when you've gotsomeone like that who's lent a hand of kindness,
(40:37):
you treat them well, you show them love, youshow them respect. And I tell him countless
times, he came to visit not that long ago. AndI've said this to many, many times and I'll
keep on saying it. The thing that I admire aboutRob the most is his unique ability to foster
relationships with others. And the reason whythat gift of his is so remarkable to me is
(41:03):
because I'm very good at fostering relationshipswith others. But his way is so unique and so
dope. We're not even in the same book. And Ijust admire it so much. And I'm always telling
him, like, I'm like, do you understand? Do youunderstand? Like, because I've seen some of
(41:25):
the people that he has to relationship manage,some of them they're difficult, but the grace
with which he does it, I'm like, oh, I see,I see. He has a sour side though. It's really
funny. I have to, oh God, it's so funny. LikeI don't even mind telling people like he's
got a sour side. So so for me, it's like, justbe good to Robin, be good to his people, because
(41:49):
the sour side is sour. Wow. You got to haveyou got to have some soldiers in your camp.
But no, Rob is one of them. And then I've hada couple of I've got a couple of cousins who
are really, really great. They're really good.And I had, I've got a friend of mine who I
(42:10):
also work with. And she, she's been, particularlyover the last three years, she's been a rock,
none like I've ever seen. And she does thiswhile raising her whole brood of children,
she has plenty. And while being a hero for thecommunity and while raising my nine-year-old
(42:33):
godson. She's an absolute godsend, an absolutehero. So it's, you know, it's, they're the
people who I refer to as my village. And thevillage is very rich and wealthy and full of
love and warmth and appreciation. And everyonein there is authentic and they are straight
talkers. And there is not one yes man in thatvillage. And that is important. It's lovely
(42:58):
to hear that you have that level of supportaround you. Are you able? within your circle
of villagers, are you able to just, if you'rehaving a day where you're just not on it and
you have to be around people, are you able tobe around them and still carry that same energy
(43:21):
when you feel low? Or are they, or do you feelthat you have to pick up your spirits just
because you're around them? No. I forewarn peopleif I'm not in the mood. So I'll still do what
I said I'll do. I'll do the commitment. Butif I'm grumpy, I'll be like, I'm grumpy today,
(43:44):
guys. And if someone doesn't listen to
me, and then I end up snapping at them, I'mlike, look, I warned you. Just let me be. And
I've had to do this. On my 27th birthday, I'mlike, I'm There was a party, you know, Rob,
(44:04):
again, God love this guy. He organized a lunchfor me. There was a whole bunch of guests and
whatever in London Bridge. And then we all wentback to my house and I had this lovely terrace
house at the time with the garden. So, you know,he ordered in pieces. More people came to the
house. There was a whole Michael Jackson competitionhappening in the dining room. People were posting
(44:28):
on their Instagram and their Snapchat. I wasn'ta little bit watching the big bad theory.
And people kept asking me what's wrong. AndI said, nothing is wrong. This is the mood
I'm in. I want to watch Big Bang. So I let themparty. I'm glad they got to party. People left
on the Reggie. One of my boys locked himselfin the bathroom. So he just slipped on the
(44:50):
rug. It was big enough. So, you know. Um, butlike I remember waking up in the living room
with the TV still on. And then I remember justlike going upstairs to my room. And I was content.
I was fine. I forewarn people, it's like, thisis how I'm feeling. So if I'm not really feeling
up to it, if it's a complete no, I'll just sayit's a nothing day. And if I say it's a nothing
(45:16):
day, there's no convincing me, there's no tryingto get me to come in. Like, yeah, it's happened
a few times in the last few months where, youknow, a day just wasn't doing for me what I
felt like it needed to do. And also I wasn'tgoing to be effective. in the space that I
was required to be in. So I was honest withthe people that I had to speak to and say,
(45:37):
it's not happening. Why? Because I don't feellike it's appropriate for me to show up feeling
how I'm feeling. I don't think it's appropriatefor the job. I love that you have that ability
to, or have that ability if you don't stillhave it, to just show up as you are. And that's
something I've... gone out of my way to sortof deal with my eldest. I say my eldest because
(45:59):
my youngest is still too young to sort of havethat conversation with as such, but I just
kind of allow him that grace because I can'texpect my son to wake up being happy, clapping
and sing song all the rest of it. He's not thatguy. I'm not that guy. So I can't expect him
to show up 100% of the time that way becauseI don't show up 100% of the time that way.
(46:19):
I just need to allow him to feel what he's feelingand not. be angry with him because he's showing
up in a different way. Yes, there might be timeswhere he reacts in a way that doesn't need
to happen. And we have a conversation aboutit saying, why are you carrying on like that?
If you start doing that, are you more likelyto get what you want or not get what you want?
(46:43):
And he understands he won't get what he wantsif he acts a certain way. And that's because
I'm not trying to be. someone that tells himoff repeatedly, I'm trying to help him adopt
habits that let him know that he can talk whenhe needs to communicate and also At the bare
minimum, these are the things you need to doregardless of how you feel just to keep things
(47:09):
moving along because I think Especially in thesociety that we're in at the moment and I'd
imagine will continue for a while where mentalhealth is so important, if I don't help him
to be emotionally articulate, don't allow himtime to express himself, he's gonna be overwhelmed
(47:30):
with a series of emotions and feelings thatmany people may not afford him time to express
or to try and understand of him. But if I canhelp him to just say, son, this is what you
gotta do at the bare minimum, and these arethe reasons why it will help him. And when
I had depression a number of years ago, partof the frustration I had from being depressed
(47:52):
is the fact that because things got to me thatI ended up putting a hand break up and just
not progressing, I was then upset when I wasready to integrate that I was that much further
behind everyone else that it required more energyfor me to catch up. So if at the bare minimum,
regardless of how I felt, I could do certainactivities, it wouldn't be such a hard slog
(48:13):
to keep up because I was doing those things.But... In a day, I'm willing to accept that
how I'm doing things may not be the right wayof doing it, especially with him or any of
the other two, but I do it with the best intentionand I'm open-minded to receive it. But again,
I really love the fact you're able to be whoyou are and be that way because I think many
(48:36):
of us show up because we feel I have a dutyto show up and just be that. that version of
us that everyone expects us to be and not showthe other side. And that's part of the reason
again, why I love this podcast because it showspeople that, yes, for the outside looking in,
you might be super successful with their eyesand you might always be a super amazing person
(48:58):
that always cops a W and never gets an L. Andthe reality is that's not the case. And I guess
I would ask you, if you could go back to a timewhen things were really bad for you during
that time, when would it be and what would yousay to your younger self to try and don't give
(49:26):
up, don't, this is what you need to do. Whenwould it be and what would you say to yourself?
So the darkest time.
Amongst a few, the darkest time I would saywas December slash January. So December 2021,
(49:48):
January 2022. Horrible, horrible, horrible.And interesting you should ask the question,
what would I say to my younger self? Becauseactually what did happen is that I was reading
about inner child healing therapy. and
(50:14):
I actually decided to start having conversationswith that little kid.
First of all, to let him know that I'm here,you know, the big me, I'm here. And I told
him that you're not delusional about what youthink happened, because it did happen. The
(50:40):
conversation was stigmatized. Don't worry, you'vegot this. and I'll go back to the point where
I actually have a poem somewhere that I wroteto the younger me. You happy to share it?
No. Fair enough. Because it's not fair to him.One of the things that screwed him over is
(51:03):
that he got overexposed too young. And thatfor me as a developing adult that really warped
my idea around relationships in general. SoI developed quite late when it comes to how
to have quote unquote, normal relationshipswithout my brain doing 10,000 miles an hour.
(51:26):
Because everything was so Topsy Turvy growingup. But yeah, from last year, I just started
having regular conversations with my other self.And one particular time, a friend of mine disclosed
to me something that had happened to someonethat she knows. And that thing really resonated
with me, like in terms of something that I'veexperienced growing up. I remember it really
(51:52):
struck me and the normal instinct would havebeen, okay, so let's just put that in the chest
over there and then we'll see about it later.But what I did was I held onto it, like almost
like in front of me for the duration of my visitsat that time. And I said, I'm gonna walk home,
(52:13):
an hour walk. I could have just got the bus.But I said, I'm gonna walk home and I'm gonna
walk home with this thing that I just caught.right, this piece of information that resonates
with me quite painfully actually, I'm goingto carry this thing with me. And I walked as
I listened to classical music in the dark, Brixtonthrough Hearn Hill and so on and so forth.
(52:36):
And then when I got home, I put this thing tothe side. And I decided that I was going to
have a conversation with my young self aboutthat very thing that took place. That thing
that I was never, ever given the opportunityto speak of freely without being judged, without
(52:59):
being persecuted, without being made fun of.Right? I was able to have a conversation with
that little boy. I cried my eyes out. The typesof things I say to him is stuff like you were
right all along, cause I was. I saw things forwhat they were and that's what pissed people
(53:20):
off. Ha ha
(53:41):
which basically says there's a level of intelligence,there's a level of anything that you should
not be able to surpass. And if you do, you needto rein it in when that is a very crab in bucket
mentality. We should be supporting one anotherand try and elevate one another. But with you're
saying you're too clever, you're too this, that'svery much the opposite. And I discourage that
(54:07):
every possible avenue. because I don't wantanyone putting out my babies. I don't want
anyone putting in themselves. You can't be toosmart. You are what you are and God bless you.
You know what I mean? Just embrace it. It'slike even with my godson, because he loves
to negotiate. The boy loves the negotiation.He's actually ridiculous. And I'm proud of
(54:29):
that, right? I am. I just don't like it whenhe negotiates with me. So instead of fobbing
him off and lying to him. or whatever, right?When he tries to negotiate with me and I don't
feel like it, I just tell him straight, I amnot negotiating with you. And so he sometimes
thinks it's a challenge and I'm like, no, yourtenacity is beautiful, okay? And I mean that,
(54:53):
I'm not being sarcastic. And I'm so glad thatyou can express what you're feeling and what
you want from me. But now what I need you toalso practice successfully is your ability
to comprehend that I said no. And as much asit's okay for you to fight your cause, it's
also okay for me to say no, now may you pleaseleave me be. It's a no-brainer. Like it's a
(55:19):
no-brainer. Yeah, that is important. And yeah,I've got a conversation that's coming out that
will talk about that in a little bit more detail.So it's interesting these segments are overlapping.
So you said that to your younger self. I tellmy younger self you were right the whole time
(55:39):
and I tell my younger self this was not yourfault and I tell my younger self you're right,
you were not protected So if you're not callingthat an L and I know you've said it
Not rejection, it's redirection. Redirectionthrough rejection, yeah. Are you still holding
on to that? Or is there anything else? No. There'ssome stuff that, like I've really dropped a
(56:06):
lot of stuff. And me sharing this, man, similarto the last time we spoke. Anyone who feels
a way, feels a way. I don't really care. It'smy story. And... no one's getting chucked under
the bus. I'm talking about what I'm learningand what I'm developing and how it's manifesting
(56:28):
in my life all around, you know, and I'm really,I'm really proud of that. I'm really proud
of who I am. I've let go of a lot of things.I've let go of a lot of things and I just feel
so much lighter for it. Interestingly, I hostedmy mother's husband's Birthday party some time
(56:51):
ago and it was such a nice affair. It was reallynice event And we had fun and the next day
I spoke with one of my cousins and we hadn'tseen each other since last summer and She she
said to me all you know It's good to see youlooking good and so on and so forth and I was
like, thank you very much And then she saidsomething interesting completely out of a good
(57:15):
heart. No, no malice whatsoever completely outof a good hardship, because I'm just so glad
that you finally met someone who makes you sohappy. I was like, huh? I was like, no, sis,
I'm single. What? I thought he was all lovedup. I was like, no, not at all. Like, I mean,
(57:36):
I'm loved up with me. I said, what you're seeingis that I've dug a well of love within myself.
Because when I start thinking about how I getwhen I have a romantic interest in somebody,
oh man, I'm ready to fly from here to the moon.But when have I flown to the moon for myself?
(57:57):
I have to, I've had to, I told you internalconversation, I've had to sort out that internal
dialogue as well. There I go, typing a loveletter on my phone, takataka, and I'm like,
wait, stop, stop. When have you said these wordsto yourself? legit, not wearing it as a mask
(58:20):
on the road for people so that, you know, theydon't mess with you. No, like, when have you
actually worn these words as your own cloak?When have you done that? And I had to be honest
with myself at the times and be like, I haven't.But then in the name of avoidance, I didn't
(58:40):
actually answer straight away. I just went aheadand started writing poetry to myself and started
writing love letters to myself. And then I waslike, yeah, I wasn't doing this, but I am now.
Okay, I am.
(59:04):
That's nice, because I do promote acknowledgingwho you are in your reflections. When you're
looking in the mirror, just acknowledging whoyou are and feeling what you're feeling and
acknowledging those feelings. Writing wordsof affection and being loved up with yourself.
I guess I've stopped shy of that. Don't knowwhy, just never explored it, but it's something
(59:27):
I'll probably try and adopt into what I do.Be able to... say positive things about myself
and encourage other people to say more positivestuff about themselves because it's something
we need. And I think that is missing in a lotof our lives. Let me tell you what actually
(59:47):
brought me to the place where I began actuallywriting these things to myself, right? I recently
started asking some friends a very importantquestion. Okay. And when I thought of this,
I don't know why I hadn't done it before. Butit came to me one day and I said, I need to
(01:00:12):
ask this question. The first person I did askthe is a love interest, but I didn't, I didn't
take it there. Right. But I did ask this question.And the reaction I got was, was very, very
appropriate actually, because well, you'll understand.I asked the question, how do you want me to
love you? And so I asked this question to myfriends and said love interest, wink, wink.
(01:00:38):
Right. And then when we answered each otherwith each respective person, because it was
different times, different places. Then I hadto now ask myself the way that these lot said
that they want to be loved. Can I love themlike that? Then I had to ask another question.
Hold on. Do I love me like that? Because peopleanswered things like, I want to be loved honestly.
(01:01:05):
I want to be loved openly. I want to be lovedtruthfully. I want to be loved honorably, you
know? I want to be loved wildly, I said thatone. You know, just all these different, I
want to be loved so and so. And it was nice.But I was like, okay, this is a lot of hats.
(01:01:28):
for people to wear. How much of that have Igot even going on for myself? Because some
of it sounds really nice. Oh, I want to be lovedwildly, yes. But do I have the capacity to
love someone wildly? Like if they wanna be lovedwildly all the time, I don't know, I have to
assess that. But then do I love myself wildlyenough? And so for me, I'm really looking at
(01:01:49):
how do I, like how do I fan these flames andjust make them as big as possible and, you
know. Because now I'm also clocking as a grownup that, wow, when I was growing up, there
were people who were the age that I am now,who would see me at like 10 years old, 11 years
old, and be so intimidated by the flame thatI was, that they did and said things to make
(01:02:13):
me try and minimize myself. So now I'm like,ah, minimize for who? Minimize where? So I
am like, I'm just so grateful that 2017 to like2020. tuish saga did not douse my flames. And
the reason why I was saying, you know, redirectionto rejection is because every one of these
(01:02:39):
lessons, right, have all pointed me back tome, the good and the bad. The good things I've
said, the ugly things I've said, the amazingthings I've achieved, the stupid decisions
I've made. It's all come back to me, the characterthat I possess. What is it made up of? Is it
(01:03:05):
fruit or is it weeds? Flowers or thorns, likewhat are you growing in your garden? Which
wolf are you feeding? We can go to any analogy,right? What am I doing? It came back to me.
And I guess it's not only just what. are yougrowing? It's what are you allowing to grow?
(01:03:29):
That's right. That's right. And by having toreally like face myself, and to face yourself
in the good can also be just as difficult asseeing yourself in a bad light. You might not
want to see the bad in you because you know,it makes you feel shame, right? But sometimes
you might not want to believe the good in youbecause perhaps the environment you grew up
(01:03:53):
in just as a random one. wasn't really supportive,right? But I'm in such a place now where, like
I said, the last two years have been completelyalone. And there's been lots of loneliness
involved in there. There's been lots of sillydecisions made. There's been lots of great
decisions made. There've been lots of momentswhen I've been really super proud of what I
will have done in a moment. And there's momentswhen I haven't been so proud of what I would
(01:04:16):
have done in a moment. But what I've realisedis that by actually braving it and facing back
to me and looking back to me and understanding,OK, so what is my purpose? in this? Like how
or how does this moment concur with my purpose?If it doesn't then I have to let it go. If
I don't let it go there's going to be a consequenceand I've seen the consequences enough times
(01:04:40):
Matt. I've seen the consequences enough andlike I've seen them. So like I'm like no. So
for instance this year ah I called it the yearof the monk for me because I have not shared
myself with anybody whatsoever. nor have I wantedto because the stakes this year were too high
(01:05:02):
to lose focus in the physical pleasure of anotherhuman being like that just carelessly it just
couldn't fit could not fit this year's agendait couldn't in the short answer how would you
or how do you prevent yourself from loving yourselftoo much before you become self-absorbed. A
(01:05:28):
narcissist is another word for it. You haveto stay grounded with community. You have to
stay grounded with lots of different types ofpeople genuinely. Like you have to be connected
to as many different walks of life as possible.But there's what you don't want to do is to
lose touch with reality. You can love yourselfand adore yourself, but still have compassion
(01:05:51):
for the mother whose son just got murdered attheir doorstep a couple of weeks ago. and be
there without ego, without fashion or flair,to deliver tissue paper and juice boxes, to
get me, you know, to be able to show up anddeliver a compassionate listening training
course for people who've experienced the tragedycommunity and be able to understand that, just
(01:06:16):
because I feel fabulous and I feel amazing,doesn't mean that there isn't hurt in the world.
And particularly because I know what that hurtfeels like. Man. I'm the first one in the queue
to try and see what I can do to help withinmy capacity, right? To see what I can help
because I can empathize. So empathy and beinggrounded. That is how. Appreciate it. So it
(01:06:39):
wasn't an L. It was rejection flipped into redirection.That's right. For those that don't know, for
the next two minutes, please unapologeticallyplug anything and everything you got going
on and how people can connect with you. Sure,so I'll be bringing back my Black Butter by
(01:07:03):
Organic Glow line very, very soon. So you canget that through my Instagram, which is Ajani
Kingdom, A-J-A-K-I-N-G-D-O-M. You can see everythingto do with my new play, which is coming to
you very, very soon. We actually have a scratchnight, but that would have passed by the time
(01:07:24):
this episode goes out. However, We are on theway, so the play is happening. My EQ learning,
which is my emotional wellbeing organization,we now have four courses running. We've got
the GLP, we've got Brunch Brothers, we've gotthe Compassionate Listening course, and we've
got the I Am course. So this is all stuff that'sgoing on. It's all, you can, all the links
(01:07:46):
are there in the bio on my Instagram. And yeah,this has been great, and I always enjoy these
conversations. And thank you so much for havingme back a second time. Much appreciated. I
feel a different style of conversation, butI think it was timely for the things I've experienced.
(01:08:07):
In my day job, I deal with people that are notin the best place. And two days in a row, I've
had different people come up to me and ask tospeak to me because I've really helped them.
And that's just wild to me because Even thoughthey're not my responsibility in terms of that's
(01:08:27):
not my person. I just stepped in and helpedcover I just treat people I can't tell you
who they are as in I don't remember them likethat But I know that whoever I'm dealing with
I'll give you the best of me that I've got availableto give to you and it's nice that it was able
to help a person and One of them I'll shareand I can't remember if I said it on a previous,
(01:08:51):
actually I did say it on a previous episodeactually But I'll share it again anyway There
was this guy who had this Twitch and he gotvexed with himself and he was shouting himself
going Why did you do that? Just stop it Andthen it was the first time I met the brother
and I was like okay out of curiosity Is shoutingthe best form of communication to get you to
(01:09:14):
do what you need to do? What do you mean? Isaid if you was at work and your manager shouted
at you, what would you say? Or would that bethe best and most effective way to communicate
to you? And he said, well, depends on the situation,but yeah, I'll probably have a word with him
and sort of pull him over and say like, yougot an issue. What's it, you know what I mean?
Why are you shouting at me? And I said, well,if you're talking to yourself in the third
(01:09:37):
person and just saying that shouting is notthe most effective or productive way to talk
to you, why do you shout at yourself? to stopyourself from doing something like that. Right.
And for him, that was a eureka moment. For me,that was the eureka moment because when I'm
(01:09:58):
in a situation, I don't always appreciate thingsor understand it. It's not until I'm outside
of it that I can see it for what it is. Andhe still came and he was just like, yo, that
just meant a lot to me. And he's now talkingkinder to himself. So he said, I'll sit there
and also, and I was like, Twishy is like saying,oh, come on, why are you doing this for? you
know, you don't have to. And I said, I loveit, I like how far you've come. And it's nothing
(01:10:23):
to do with me as such, I just talk, I just share,you're the one accepting it. And that's great.
And it's not just my help, it's the help ofmy colleagues as well. But I said, I'll actually
do one thing further. I said, why don't youtalk to that person like it was a younger version
of yourself? And instead of just saying, whyare you doing that for? Why don't you try,
no, sorry, instead of asking, saying to him,you can do better, you don't have to do this.
(01:10:47):
Why not ask them what caused it? Because youwere sitting there calmly without an issue.
Where did your mind go for what triggered thatto happen? And I'm sure you'd be kinder to
yourself. And you just kind of understood nothing.A lot of ourselves, like I said, we don't talk
to ourselves in a kind enough manner. We'realways just da, da. And we think we get a positive
(01:11:11):
result out of it. And the reality is it's just.It's demoralizing. It is, and we're not kind
to our, we won't accept it from someone else,but we'll talk to ourselves like that in the
mirror. You're this, you're fat, you're stupid,you're silly, you're all of this stuff, but
we never, and we come with it, we say thosethings with energy. Mm-hmm. Pure energy, but
(01:11:35):
when it comes to complimenting ourselves, we'requieter than a mouse when we say anything positive
about ourselves, because we feel that. is inappropriate,but I challenge us to change our mindset. And
I appreciate the conversation, because it'shelped me to feel better about what I do, feel
more confident in that way. And my son who startedschool recently, he had someone that pushed
(01:11:59):
him and stuff like that. And he's like, oh,daddy, I didn't cry. You know, I'm all right.
And I was like, it's all right. You can cryif you need to cry. And, you know, but I just
feel, I'm just upset that you had to go throughthis. And by weekend, I actually said to him,
I'm really proud of how you handled the situationbecause it was a very difficult one and something
(01:12:20):
you haven't been through before. But I loveyou for being you, being unapologetic about
it and handling it the way you did. And I feltit was very important to acknowledge and praise
him for him being himself and not, well donefor listening to daddy, well done for listening
to mommy. I wanted him to take ownership andappreciate himself. So hopefully the words
(01:12:44):
of encouragement I give him, he instills himselfand will talk life into himself on a regular
basis to make sure the flowers, the differentfruits in his garden that he allows to grow
will be ones that other people want to partakefrom because it fills them with richness, with
joy, with happiness, and it won't strangle thegoodness that's growing there. But yeah. Guys,
(01:13:08):
girls, how have you identified? That's the episodethat I'm gonna conclude. I can't wrap it up
in any eloquent way because this conversationjust gone left. Let's say it's gone right,
let's say it's gone right. But it's very differentto how I intended it to go. The format is very
different, but I think it's always nice to freshenthings up. But this is the type of conversations
(01:13:28):
that me and Cass will have from time to time.And if I'm honest with you, these are kind
of tame. So I'm gonna conversation we have avery, very intense. And maybe we'll have a
raw and uncut version where we'll just haveit recording. But I think it's important to
(01:13:51):
have something different. Honestly, I can'ttell you what the overarching theme of this
episode is, but I'm hoping, I'm having faith,I'm trusting that there is people out there
that's gonna get sighted from this conversation.And I ask you. to please reach out to Cass
and just engage with him because he's got somuch that he's doing for the local community
(01:14:15):
and the wider community if they reach out tohim. And he's just a tremendous guy. He's doing
fantastic things. He's- Thank you, dude. Yes,he looks after himself, but he looks after
himself so that he can help others. He's justthat way inclined. And when you meet people
that are like-minded like yourself and got goodenergy. your full not to stay around people
(01:14:36):
like that and to perpetuate that energy backand forth and help a wider community rather
than just your own. So do what you gotta do,folks. Be kind to each other, be kind to yourself.
Look in the mirror and just love on yourself.You are beautiful. You are amazing. You are
incredible. Look at all the things you've overcomein life. Look how you didn't understand how
(01:14:58):
you was gonna get your own property, how youweren't gonna. You didn't know how he was gonna
rent. You didn't know how he was gonna drive.You didn't know he was gonna get a job. You
didn't know he was gonna have kids. You didn'tknow how he was gonna be here in 2023 going
forward. But here you are, because you put onefoot in front of the other, you was focused
on the step rather than the staircase. You'redoing amazing things. Be proud of yourself.
(01:15:21):
Give yourself a massive pat on the back. Yes,there's a whole bunch of stuff going on outside,
but don't worry about that for the minute. loveon yourself, appreciate who you are and know
that the same way your parents loved on youwhen you graced this earth with your presence,
there's people that still love you and if youdon't believe that, make sure you love yourself.
(01:15:41):
I'm going, please leave a review on this ifyou're on Apple podcast or Spotify. just so
that more people can hear these conversations.And if you want exclusive content, feel free
to follow me over at every podcast on Instagram.And yeah, just remember, regardless of what
you're going through, there's nothing abouta caterpillar that tastes gonna be a butterfly.
(01:16:04):
Look after yourself and speak to you next episode.
We now call it close
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