August 2, 2024 • 37 mins
Welcome to another episode where we dive deep into relationships!
This week, we're recording from what feels like a sauna due to the heat, but it’s all worth it to bring you an exciting topic.
Love Desk: Ultimate compatibility test – eight essential questions to assess your relationship. From spiritual beliefs to sex drive, we cover it all.
Hot Topic: Companionship and partnership.
Can you have one without the other? We explore what it means to truly be in a partnership and the fear blocks that might prevent you from moving from companionship to partnership.
Question: I've been married for 6 years, my car is a 2007 model and needs alot of repair. Me and my husband keep our finances seperate and he earns three times as much as me. I contribute to the mortgage and the bills and then I'm only left with a few hundred dollors each month. He's very private about his money. He just went and bought a $50k car without discussing it with me. Am I wrong for beng resentful towwards him for not helping me with my car?
What happens when one partner earns significantly more but doesn't share the wealth? Tune in to hear our advice on how to address financial imbalances and ensure both partners feel valued and supported.
Get ready for a fruitful conversation that promises to enhance your relationship and deepen your connection with your partner!
Till next time!
Get in touch
Geordie Lass & Doc Sass
Email info@geordielass.com with hot topics or questions about your relationship. All questions are entirely confidential.
Sara Liddle
Email: info@inflori.co.uk
Website: www.inflori.co.uk
Relationship Reset: www.inflori.co.uk/reset
Anna Stratis
Email: coachdocanna@gmail.com
Website: www.coachdocanna.com
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:05):
Music.
(00:27):
Welcome everyone. Hello, hello. How's it going? Oh, it's good. It's good.
It's just fine. Beads of sweat are dripping down as we speak because we have
to turn all the fans off and everything in 35 degree heat, but it's all good.
So recording from the sauna.
Again, your temperature's all hot and bothered.
(00:49):
Oh my gosh. It's the perfect kind of environment for, yeah, I don't even need
the hot topic. I'll be hot way before we get there.
So all is good it's um really summertime
greece we escape the big city and
go to the rural areas for
the beach and just general lolling about so that is kind of on kicking off and
(01:12):
everything is good yeah yeah how about you yeah i'm good thank you i'm very
good yes very awesome looking forward to the week ahead ah okay very good crazy
things are going on in the world politically.
There's a lot of like crazy news dropping. So if you're bored of following what's
(01:32):
happening in the US presidential election, just tune in here and we'll ground
you with some good old love and sex. That's what we do. Yeah.
So what is happening at the relationship desk of love? Let me get my relationship
love desk ready for you today.
Fabulous. So today I'm going to share with
(01:52):
you a compatibility test so this is the ultimate eight questions to assess your
relationship oh okay do tell all right so the first question is how do you spend
your free time oh yes the second question is what is your attachment style oh my god.
(02:13):
Okay. It's opening a Pandora's box, but yeah. Very essential.
The third question is, what's the most interesting thing you've read lately? Does Instagram count?
Oh, I like that because it gets to the intellectual compatibility.
Okay. It's kind of that question of like, will we get along when we're 90?
(02:35):
Yeah. Yeah. I like it. Number four is, what are your spiritual beliefs?
Oh, see, that's getting to another core value, right? That we kind of skip over
when we're like, he's so handsome.
I like the fact that we both like to binge watch X TV show.
It's like, yeah, but what are your spiritual beliefs? Probably a little more important. Yeah.
(02:57):
Number five, you're going to like this one. What's your sex drive like?
Of course. Oh, my God. Why are we not?
Yes. Honestly, why isn't that question number one? I know. It's funny, right? Okay.
I'd like to qualify with that. Like, how do you generally find your sexual desire
at the beginning of a relationship and six months to a year to two years in?
(03:18):
What have you noticed happening?
I think that's really important. There are some folks who identify along the
asexual spectrum and I think it's really important to, in a very compassionate,
non-judgmental way, sort of give way to that.
But, you know, really our sexuality can be such a spectrum and it's important
to find somebody where we have compatibility in that vein.
(03:41):
So just saying, plug for that, yes.
Well, and question number six will absolutely verify that as well.
So what is your sexual style? Ooh.
Oh, vintage, kind of H&M, like fast fashion.
That's awesome. Awesome, awesome, awesome. Okay, I like that.
(04:02):
It's kind of a vague question. It's not like, what are your sexual preferences?
It's what's your style? Nice. I like it. Yeah.
Number seven, what will you do with your wages next month?
This is an amazing list. Every month, pay my bills. Right, right, right.
You remember that our episode a few episodes ago
where you know you get some inheritance money some 50
(04:23):
000 euro dollars and are we
going to pay down our mortgage are we going to get a little splurge item
and the way that you attack that says a
lot about your messaging around money financial wherewithal
etc yeah yeah we've all got a money story lurking there
somewhere oh and finally can
you depend on this person oh my
(04:45):
gosh trust and respect yeah gosh
this is no easy list i thought it was going to be like you know do you like
avocado toast for brunch or an omelet oh my gosh yeah okay good i love that
i love that if you're curious about whether you are compatible with your partner or
(05:06):
not then why not just try out one or
all of those questions you could try out one
a week like on a date night just say let's
take one out for a spin totally those intimacy cards i
think we've talked about like various little kits of intimacy cards if
you feel like you've if you feel like your conversation is trending to the transactional
(05:27):
the day-to-day to get deeper but those eight questions are fantastic nice all
right oh that god is going did indeed would you like to uh discuss a hot topic.
Music.
(05:54):
Companionship versus partnership? Yes.
All of the above.
It's funny, isn't it? Because we have had some questions, haven't we,
where people kind of say, look, I just want companionship. That's all I want.
I don't kind of want anything else. I just want somebody to hang out with,
(06:14):
somebody to spend my time with.
I think one of my questions around that would be if that is the case why not
just have a friend then why you know if you're in a,
normally you'd be in a heterosexual relationship if you're still seeking that
companionship with a man and you're a woman then kind of what's the reason that
(06:35):
kind of friendship isn't enough for you with anybody i think you're right and
i think that there there would probably a fear block,
standing in the way of moving companionship to
partnership like what is entailed for like
i would say like what does what do you discern as
the difference between companionship and partnership and what scares
(06:55):
you about moving to partnership yeah what
do you think might be some of the big fear blocks because i
mean to me a partnership includes companionship
and again this might be very controversial maybe others might not
see it that way i see partnership as a larger umbrella which
includes friendship but includes non-platonic companionship
(07:16):
also so what do you think are the big fear blocks there i
think it's that fear of rejection fear of being let down fear of kind of invest
in everything and then if it doesn't work out then what does that mean what
does that say so if i never dip my toe in the water then i can't get wet you
know if i stand on on the sidelines and I watch kind of everybody else.
(07:38):
Frolicking in the sea, then that's okay. They can do that.
But, you know, I'm never going to get wet if I don't put my dick, my toe in the water.
So I'm going to stay here on the sidelines because that feels safer because I'm not ready to get wet.
Oh, okay, okay. Yes. And I think, okay, so there's a few things in partnership
that to your point, like could feel very scary and permanent.
(08:00):
Like partnership probably requires investment in
property management ownership maybe children
maybe other big things taking care of elders
like that lifelong kind of we're in it to win
it for me also like the sexuality aspect
like not that everything involves sex but for me
most of it does but like companionship feels to be platonic partnership feels
(08:24):
like there's a sexual element and there's a lot of people with trauma and fear
blocks around that and the expectations around that feels a lot safer sometimes
to feel like oh we're just companions
we're just you know you're my best friend but there's a lot that,
might be missing in the other people in terms of the other person's expectations
of partnership being satisfied if one thinks that they're companions the other
(08:48):
feels that they're partners.
And I think that there's a lot of partners that are in crisis or conflict because
there's actually not a joint understanding of the definition of the relationship.
Yeah, I think so too. I think in terms of, you know, we kind of briefly touched
on this off-air around this, you know, what's your kind of life plans together?
(09:11):
What is it that you, you know, if you look to your vision, what is it that you
see in your kind of, you know, your future path?
What is it, what does your relationship stand for today?
Kind of who are you? What do you do? How do you,
you know, to that last question there on the compatibility test,
how do you support each other what is it that you
how do you demonstrate that you are going to be there and kind
(09:33):
of show up because for me in partnership you give kind
of you're given all of it you're given all of yourself your kind
of vulnerabilities have to just you know you have to be
at ease with those you have to let down those walls you
have to share the things that scare and excite
you in full measure and you have to have an
honest discussion and some level of
(09:54):
alignment whether that means compromise or not about what the future looks like
what is it that you are kind of striving together for that's what a partnership
is is this is me and you and we're going to join forces because we think that
we're the best match and this is where we're going to get to as a result of that oh wow yeah.
(10:15):
And actually, I mean, you know, sort of moving towards, well,
solution, like how do we even get on the same side is just like you say,
like even bringing up these discussions, I rarely hear us getting to this depth.
We're always kind of circling around and but just asking straight out,
like, what do you think we are for each other?
Like, what do you think I am for you? Who am I for you? And who are you for me?
(10:38):
Well, we see all times when we're in the start of a relationship,
that awkward bit where you don't know.
Are we going from kind of dating to kind of boyfriend and
girlfriend partners however you want to kind of describe your
kind of the next stage in that relationship but see
people kind of really dancing around it and it's kind of
we don't just come out and frankly say look you
(10:59):
know I would like us to describe ourselves as boyfriend
and girlfriend or you know in a partnership we don't kind of come to that weight
until kind of something happens that you know maybe somebody else describes
us in that way and then you kind of have that awkward discussion afterwards
oh well so are we then I don't know what do you think I know do you want to
(11:19):
be and that just kind of yeah.
I don't know the kind of dancing around the subject as opposed to just saying
kind of you know quite frankly look I would really like to be known as your
girlfriend and you know how do you feel about that as opposed to kind of waiting
for something to kind of almost present itself Yeah, I completely agree.
(11:40):
And there's, well, I'll go so far as to say, there's that awkward,
what are we? What's our definition?
And we both kind of cross that threshold if we're going to and we,
okay, yes, we're boyfriend or girlfriend, or yes, we're partners or whatever that is.
But the weird thing is, we think we're on the same page as to what that means.
And maybe the other big decision point is, are we going to be common law?
(12:02):
Are we going to get married?
All that sort of stuff. And once we decide, we think we're on the same page of what marriage is.
But there's people who probably enter marriage, I know this for a fact,
who feel themselves to be companions, not partners.
Again, it's okay if two people are sort of on that same side and they want to
hold a great deal of independence still while being sort of technically married or common law.
(12:24):
But so often I think that we lose
the real details or we
lose the sort of the granularity that is so important because
we are both under the same definition of spouses
okay well surely we must be on the same
page of what a spouse means we're absolutely not or even
if we think we're on the same page we're not behaving like it so
(12:46):
yeah and I think about that behavior piece
as well but I think you can start off a relationship and really
think yeah we're in a solid partnership like you get married you are kind of
you know you're there for each other you really do live up to and fill that
role but then something can happen over time and that you can start to kind
of take gentle steps backwards to the point where actually you become just companions.
(13:12):
Inside a relationship and that maybe wasn't what you
set out to do originally you know
you set out to have this great love and to always feel
that really strong kind of connection but you
can kind of shift time shifts and we
end up in this companionship we're not quite sure how we got there and neither
one of you want to address this the subject because that kind of you know rocks
(13:36):
the boat a little bit and we're not ready for that we don't want to take the
lid off Pandora's box just yet because actually it's not that bad you know so
I think we get into this situation where
we can explain life away and we can rationalize it and justify it to ourselves.
But deep down, are we really happy with that situation? Probably not.
(13:59):
Oh my gosh, yes. I think that's really important because I don't think a lot
of people call out, we can backtrack, we can backslide.
That happens absolutely, absolutely. Absolutely.
You see here all the time, don't you? Couples will come and they'll be like,
well, I feel like we're just friends. You know, like, what is it that's there?
But there was always something there in the beginning.
(14:21):
And, you know, it's trying to understand what has happened over that period of time.
When did you both stop trying to impress each other?
Absolutely. And I think intimacy comes so easy in the beginning.
We've talked long hours about that initial infatuation phase,
which drives a lot of intimacy.
(14:41):
But then when we lose that fuel source, I think that there's often these calls
or beckoning for intimacy that both people in their own way try to kind of put
out there for consideration and they end up getting hurt and rejected.
They feel like so the bids for intimacy start to become less frequent,
less frequent, and everybody retreats to themselves.
(15:02):
Ourselves you and i are very financially independent
where that's very important to us that actually
is more on the companionship versus the partnership
scales of things yeah yeah and a partner could
very easily misinterpret that and we could be
very sloppy in the way that we communicate how do
we maintain partnership which is intimacy trust and respect
(15:23):
and interdependence while still being
financially independent to some degree so whether
it's finances whether it's sexuality whether it's other
sort of beliefs around you know co-parenting
or sharing life we can very
easily create motions that if
not well communicated can drive us into this friend zone
(15:46):
which we can so easily find ourselves and say how did we get here yeah yeah
and that's the thing like often when you're in that situation people you know
generally will say like it's really not that bad like we are really good friends
we get on really really well but there's just that kind of missing.
Piece of the puzzle that just isn't there anymore they there's
(16:08):
an you know somebody's taken a few ingredients away and the
recipe no longer works absolutely yeah it's this is this is big and it can be
dissected out we often meet couples when they've arrived at a friend zone or
They've traveled very far away from each other and are kind of waking up and
realizing, wait, how did we get there?
(16:29):
So it's a long, long path to start to even point out sort of what's going on,
where the rifts in expectation and understanding are.
There are roads to get back to each other so long as there is this willingness,
like a deep desire and willingness.
Oftentimes, revisiting what brought you to be desirous of this person in the
(16:51):
first place, we often kind of revive some of those old feelings that you once
had as a fuel source. Yeah, take that trip down memory lane.
Totally. Seems silly, but absolutely.
Yeah. Oh, we could talk for hours on this one. This is very big.
It is such an interesting topic, isn't it? I mean kind of
what is enough for one person isn't necessarily
(17:12):
enough for somebody else so and if you're
not aligned in that in your relationship then you do need you know some help
to try and arrive at what the next step looks like for you because if one person
really is happy with companionship and that's all they're kind of interested
in or they've landed at that space because you know the relationship's traveled
over time and they've got to a position where they say, well,
(17:34):
actually, for me now, that's enough.
But the other party really wants that full partnership. I want that full connection.
I want full intimacy in our relationship. And it's not there.
That's when you need to kind of, I would say, get some support,
whether that's therapy, coaching, whichever route you want to go down.
But believing that things are just going to change or things will get better,
(17:57):
generally, kind of, it doesn't, not without some form of intervention.
You've got it. That's 5,000% true.
And if you're interested in prevention, like if you're listening to this and
you're fairly new in your relationship, let's say that you are now referring
to each other for kind of a new thing, saying it's my partner, etc.
Maybe you've just moved in or whatnot. It can be very helpful to get a bottle
(18:20):
of your favorite lemonade or wine and
sit with for an evening without any distractions, go out to dinner, etc.
And ask, so we're partners now. That's what we call each other.
What does partnership mean for you?
And keep an open mind for the answer of your partner and try not to lead the
witness, as it were, and just be really open.
And it could be sometimes very heartbreaking to hear.
(18:42):
You're probably not going to be aligned and maybe you're going to be quite misaligned.
That doesn't mean that there's no future for you.
It's really important, though, to find out from your other half,
like what does partnership mean for you?
Indeed. So you have your homework for this week, listeners.
Check in with your partner and
yeah have a little discussion around companionship partnership what those mean
(19:06):
yeah each of you and we have aligned you well totally a very fruitful conversation
for a long date night yep indeed yeah all righty shall we take a question oh yes let's do it.
Music.
(19:27):
Today's question i've been married for six years and my car is a 2007 model
and needs a lot of repair me and my husband keep our finances separately and
he earns three times as much as me i contribute to the mortgage and the bills
and then i'm only left with a few hundred dollars each month.
He's very private about his money and he's just gone and bought a £50,000 car
(19:53):
without discussing it with me.
Am I wrong for being resentful towards him for not helping me with my car?
Oh, wow. Okay. Yeah. That's a very expensive car.
It is an expensive car, isn't it? My gosh. Okay. We were talking about cars
at the weekend and kind of the price of them.
(20:14):
And it was in connection with a friend who was looking to get a car.
And I was like, I would never spend like those types of sums of money on a car.
Like, I'd like to have a nice car, but I wouldn't spend that much money on one. Yeah, yeah.
Yeah. So what do you think is going on here? well it's
complete well i would say they're not in a partnership i think
(20:35):
it's one thing keeping your money separate i think it's another
having a relationship where i can see
why she's feeling resentful because we feel resentment when we feel like we're
in an unfair disadvantaged position in relative to our partners so we kind of
feel like you know you see you come up with kind of of like chores and housework
(20:57):
and things we feel the resentment when I feel like there's an imbalance.
When I feel like I'm doing everything and you're doing nothing yeah
because we like to go to extremes then that feels
unfair but you know it's not a level playing
field we're in here and I think that's what's happening here
with this couple is you know
the person who's writing in is saying look I am feeling
(21:19):
resentment because I don't feel like we're a level playing
fields you've got everything and I've got nothing and that.
Obviously is going to make somebody feel upset right
would never want to be in a place where we
feel like we are you know so disadvantaged or so
badly done to when you know
in a relationship it is about being able to support each other and
(21:42):
it feels to me like the support isn't necessarily there now
whether the support what was being requested or not we don't know right
right right devil's advocate what might
if you were to bring this husband into the picture
and and sit him down what do you think might be
a pretty plausible side of his story
you might say look i didn't even know it was an issue so
(22:04):
that's why i'm saying if this person hasn't really raised
it and said look match your feeling a bit peeved that
you've gone out and you're able to spend like 50 grand on
a car and i'm contributing in literally every
penny that I've got to our house as well and paying the
same as you when I earn like a lot less than you this
feels really unfair to me unless she's kind of really sat
(22:24):
down and spelled that picture out the other person could say look I knew nothing
about this I didn't even know we kept our finances separate we both agreed that
at some stage you know whether we did or they didn't you know but clearly there's
been there's some sort of an assumption if not an actual full agreement on this.
So they kept their finances separate. He might not even know that there's something
(22:46):
going on with a kind of money level there.
And it's really funny because,
And this is where it spins out of control when you ask five of your best friends.
They're like, oh, he's such a dog, whatever, whatever.
And the problem is like a lot of it seems like pretty callous.
Like it seems like it would be very obvious to be like, that's a very large purchase.
(23:09):
Why didn't you run this by but
but really honestly like we as coaches we
see a lot of very surprising misunderstandings where
people genuinely have a certain point of
view and they are not meaning any malice by taking
what sounds like in retrospect a pretty
boneheaded independent decision so i
(23:32):
i think what's really important is to to first assume unless
there's other patterns of abuse or neglect in the
relationship right of course that's a deal breaker but assume
lack of malintent assume either good
intent or just complete like bozo i wasn't
aware you know ignorance because i think that's where it gets tripped up is
(23:54):
like well but how could you be so like it seems obvious that that purchase should
have been you should have thought of me like why are you being so careless that
seems like a pretty obvious careless move I just wanted to say it's actually
not obvious and you'd be surprised.
So if you assume good intent or lack of malintent, what might be possible?
(24:14):
And one can still salvage this situation in that, you know.
Speaking as somebody who's had independent finances before, like there's a,
it can seem like a really great idea.
And it can sound like, oh, yeah, we're just, we, different checkbooks,
different whatever, we don't have any conversations around you do your spending, I do mine.
But really like there's an
(24:36):
inherent problem with separate finances
does not mean no communication and for me i can
i put my hand up i've enjoyed separate finances
because it's gotten around what i thought was a need to communicate and it doesn't
that's the whole point so if you're anything like me and you're kind of waking
up to the fact like oh if we're independently we still have to have financial
(24:57):
conversations with each other because there's interpretations and expectations
that have not been expressly verbalized.
So this is a great opportunity to start to lay some of your expectations,
your unspoken expectations out on the table.
With this person writing in, what do you think are their baseline assumptions
(25:17):
about their financial model that are now being exposed?
Yeah, so I think there's a genuine feeling of unfairness.
And I could understand that I think in
order to have like true separate finances and for that
to work in your relationship I think yes you
do need to still have discussions about money that
doesn't avoid that discussion but I also and
(25:39):
this is just a personal view I think that you need to have relatively similar-ish
within sort of you know 10-20 grand salaries because then you are able to make
your own kind of independent decisions without there being significant impact on the other.
Or a feeling of significant impact and I think that's what's
(26:01):
happening in this situation is this person is feeling like
this is really unfair for me I'm still contributing the
exact same money as you but I earn like way less
you're able to then do whatever you want with your money and I've got very little
left over to be able to do anything with therefore I've got a whole lot less
freedom than you have and that doesn't feel fair to me so I would imagine that's
(26:25):
what's happening for this person
but again you know without a conversation around this and the impact.
I don't think you can really kind of you know there's no other way to raise
it than to say this is really distressing me and I you know they've been together
for six years if you want that relationship to continue resentment in any shape
or form needs to be dealt with because it will eventually turn to contempt and
(26:48):
that's it then game over for your relationship.
Mm hmm. Yep. No, absolutely true.
And remember, too, earning is not a steady state.
So there's many folks who take a step back because they are going to take a
primary parenting role or they're taking care of an elder or they're starting
a new business, whatever that might be.
So even if you might be the higher earner now or there might be parity in your
(27:09):
earning now, down the road, well, that's another thing about trust.
Like, do I trust my partner to not only pick up the slack financially if I'm
going to take a step back from my career, but also, I mean, that's the thing.
Like, if you're used to being financially independent and now you feel like
you're on a very limited allowance and you're at the mercy of your partner opening
(27:31):
up the purse strings, like, that is a horrible feeling.
So, you know, in advance of taking a step back.
Want to have a conversation with your partner to say okay you're going to be the main earner
but I don't want to feel like I'm coming to you for an allowance or
I want to feel to some degree the
same amount of financial freedom so what
(27:51):
might it look like to be able to still keep
a separate bank account or something like that and it sounds kind of weird but
like you're actually transferring money into my account so I don't have to keep
asking you but the other partner who
is the higher or earner might say well in their minds they're like
yeah but you have to somehow earn that well what's
the parody of i'm doing stuff for
(28:12):
the home or the family or for a venture or
a dream that doesn't have a a financial
remuneration right now but down the
road it could or perhaps one person is
working at home and is allowing the other person to in to
go out there into the world and make money but there has to
be an understanding also not only the fairness of expenditure
(28:34):
but also are we both contributing equally
and oftentimes you are in different
ways but the perception and the optics are very different
we will often be like yeah i feel
like i'm working over 50 percent my contribution is
more than my partner's my partner's slacking off a bit
and those can be and and when we.
(28:55):
Explore it it's often because the the weighting of
the the contribution is skewed in
our own minds yeah like how how easy is it to do the gardening that's so easy
the other person's like i'm out there for hours yeah making our home look good
from the outside it's actually really important yeah i think it's really really
easy to see the effort that we're putting in because we're fully aware of it
(29:17):
right it's happening inside of us and we are you know we're taking.
The action, we're doing it, we know how it makes us feel, we know how tired
we're feeling, exhausted when we've kind of done whatever the chores are,
or you know, I've been to the supermarket again for the fifth week in a row
and you've never been and I,
So we can kind of like see, we can feel ourselves, the impact that some of these things have.
(29:39):
What it is more difficult to do is to actually see the impact and see what others are doing.
And very often we don't see that until one of us goes away.
And then we're like, actually, maybe you do do more than I think you do.
It's so funny. I just read this recently. you know if
if one who is taking care of the home and the kids for example
(30:02):
is feeling undervalued and they are let's
say there's maybe a reunion that they have an opportunity to go to
for a few days they may choose to go away
and have their partner sort of take up the slack but don't cook
all the meals and put them in the fridge and do all the laundry in advance or
whatever just leave and leave everything unattended yeah not that you want to
(30:23):
be like punitive to your partner but just Just we really don't do ourselves
a service because we often will like pre-prepare the meals and get all the laundry done.
So your partner kind of has like the dream sort of best case scenario existence.
And they're like, oh, your job is not that hard. Yeah, because you pre-prepped all the meals.
And you've got all the doctor's appointments done outside of this sort of protected
(30:46):
reunion time. Yeah, I was never that person.
Cool. Yeah.
And that might be an essential thing is to say, well, why don't we swap roles?
You know, I'm just sort of spend a day or spend a week in the life of your shoes.
And let me come to a greater understanding of what your role actually looks like.
(31:07):
Yeah indeed wow let's finish
off this question and so in terms of this you
know listener who's raising the question
what is the kind of the next move
for them i think you know certain validated today why
they might feel that resentment and it's great
to get some validation isn't it of your feelings and to realize actually i'm
(31:29):
not going absolutely mad i there is
some basis there for the feelings that i have in but then
you know we need to kind of then move to a step forward how
do we get some sort of resolution like what what is
the next step it's the big girl pants and
it's inviting your partner to a conversation and
a series of conversations because the dust has been swept under the rug on this
(31:53):
issue for a very long time under the guise of financial independence but it's
hidden a lot of expectations that have not been cleared out so So this is a
beautiful gateway to a number of conversations around fairness, roles,
finances, how one supports the other.
Absolutely. I would say buckle in.
(32:15):
And I think, yeah, you absolutely have to address it now. Otherwise,
it's just going to rumble on and it will get to a position where you get to
the point of no return almost.
Oh, my gosh. I mean, we see it all the time, right? That $50,000 car.
It's going to be little snippy comments about like, oh, whatever.
Oh, your fancy car. Good for you, yeah.
And then you'll think all sorts of… I've got that lovely car to drive around
(32:36):
in and I'm driving around in it.
Right? Totally. Yeah. Are you having an affair?
You're wanting to like pick up like hot people in
that new fancy car of yours like horrible like if you
think it's not going to go into bad places it absolutely will so yeah
and that's not the way there was kind of you know the snide remarks the little
kind of jives that's not healthy communication so no we have all done it people
(33:00):
we are better than that i have been snippy snide and passive-aggressive and
it got me absolutely nowhere yeah and so and and but just be super
prepared for your partner to come out with stuff that is
surprising yeah he went you know blew 50 000 on
a car but like just open mind and hear
his side of the story hear his perception of how things stand and he's going
(33:23):
to say at least one thing that really surprises you try as much as possible
to not defensive get into your defensive lockdown mode and just really listen
yeah yeah they all want to take you ah always as hard as it is.
Oh god I've got to be an adult again today oh gosh
(33:44):
what was that thing that you said can you read that out you read it
out to us before oh my god it's awesome dear listener
yeah it just really just tickled me so it said it's just a posting on social
media it says I understand being a responsible adult but every day every single
day that seems a little bit excessive I know I'm like I can hear you on that one.
(34:07):
Oh, God. I know. Communication like an adult. What? Do I have to? Yeah.
Gosh. Oh, this is good stuff. I'm sorry. You do.
Sorry. And maybe not every day, but at least 360 plus days a year. Yeah.
Maybe got three days off a year. We'll give you a couple. I know. Sorry, guys.
(34:30):
Oh, okay. Well, that kicked my ass again. So I feel like I'm armed with a little
bit more adulting advice for the week ahead.
We all have our homework for the week to come. Exactly.
So is it full-on summer barbecue garden? Is it all kicking off? Oh, I bloody wish.
I swear to God, like, I can't even talk about the weather. It's so exciting right now.
(34:51):
So many else have posted on social media, why are we still wearing jumpers in
July? Like, what happened?
Oh. So, yeah. It's because Southern Europe stole all the heat and then some.
We're just kind of basically hoarding everyone's heat. Yeah, you are.
I sweat as a back. Thank you very much.
Yeah. And literally my wardrobe is jam-packed because I can't even take the
(35:12):
things out I normally take out of it. Oh, yeah.
The winter wardrobe. Yeah, the winter wardrobe, the summer wardrobe,
they're all merging into one because I don't know what weather we're going to get the next day.
So anyway, we did actually have some sunshine on Friday and managed to eat outside
in the garden. It was delicious.
Oh. Sorry.
(35:35):
The rest of the weekend was quite literally a washout. Oh, good.
There was almost a river kind of streaming down the road as we were driving
out on Saturday night. God.
We were trying to go down so the other cars could overtake us.
There just wasn't enough space on the road for two cars and all of the water. Oh, my God.
(35:55):
Anyway, you wish you'd never asked now. Oh, sorry.
Aside from that, everything's great.
When you go and enjoy yourself, Shane. Oh, my gosh. I'm going to turn the fan
on now because I'm totally drenched wet.
Oh, gosh. I tell you, feast or famine when it comes to this weather. I know.
(36:19):
All right. Well, you go and enjoy basking in your sunshine.
Staying away from the sunshine more like it, yeah? Yeah.
Music.
Music.
(00:27):
Welcome everyone. Hello, hello. How's it going? Oh, it's good. It's good.
It's just fine. Beads of sweat are dripping down as we speak because we have
to turn all the fans off and everything in 35 degree heat, but it's all good.
So recording from the sauna.
Again, your temperature's all hot and bothered.
(00:49):
Oh my gosh. It's the perfect kind of environment for, yeah, I don't even need
the hot topic. I'll be hot way before we get there.
So all is good it's um really summertime
greece we escape the big city and
go to the rural areas for
the beach and just general lolling about so that is kind of on kicking off and
(01:12):
everything is good yeah yeah how about you yeah i'm good thank you i'm very
good yes very awesome looking forward to the week ahead ah okay very good crazy
things are going on in the world politically.
There's a lot of like crazy news dropping. So if you're bored of following what's
(01:32):
happening in the US presidential election, just tune in here and we'll ground
you with some good old love and sex. That's what we do. Yeah.
So what is happening at the relationship desk of love? Let me get my relationship
love desk ready for you today.
Fabulous. So today I'm going to share with
(01:52):
you a compatibility test so this is the ultimate eight questions to assess your
relationship oh okay do tell all right so the first question is how do you spend
your free time oh yes the second question is what is your attachment style oh my god.
(02:13):
Okay. It's opening a Pandora's box, but yeah. Very essential.
The third question is, what's the most interesting thing you've read lately? Does Instagram count?
Oh, I like that because it gets to the intellectual compatibility.
Okay. It's kind of that question of like, will we get along when we're 90?
(02:35):
Yeah. Yeah. I like it. Number four is, what are your spiritual beliefs?
Oh, see, that's getting to another core value, right? That we kind of skip over
when we're like, he's so handsome.
I like the fact that we both like to binge watch X TV show.
It's like, yeah, but what are your spiritual beliefs? Probably a little more important. Yeah.
(02:57):
Number five, you're going to like this one. What's your sex drive like?
Of course. Oh, my God. Why are we not?
Yes. Honestly, why isn't that question number one? I know. It's funny, right? Okay.
I'd like to qualify with that. Like, how do you generally find your sexual desire
at the beginning of a relationship and six months to a year to two years in?
(03:18):
What have you noticed happening?
I think that's really important. There are some folks who identify along the
asexual spectrum and I think it's really important to, in a very compassionate,
non-judgmental way, sort of give way to that.
But, you know, really our sexuality can be such a spectrum and it's important
to find somebody where we have compatibility in that vein.
(03:41):
So just saying, plug for that, yes.
Well, and question number six will absolutely verify that as well.
So what is your sexual style? Ooh.
Oh, vintage, kind of H&M, like fast fashion.
That's awesome. Awesome, awesome, awesome. Okay, I like that.
(04:02):
It's kind of a vague question. It's not like, what are your sexual preferences?
It's what's your style? Nice. I like it. Yeah.
Number seven, what will you do with your wages next month?
This is an amazing list. Every month, pay my bills. Right, right, right.
You remember that our episode a few episodes ago
where you know you get some inheritance money some 50
(04:23):
000 euro dollars and are we
going to pay down our mortgage are we going to get a little splurge item
and the way that you attack that says a
lot about your messaging around money financial wherewithal
etc yeah yeah we've all got a money story lurking there
somewhere oh and finally can
you depend on this person oh my
(04:45):
gosh trust and respect yeah gosh
this is no easy list i thought it was going to be like you know do you like
avocado toast for brunch or an omelet oh my gosh yeah okay good i love that
i love that if you're curious about whether you are compatible with your partner or
(05:06):
not then why not just try out one or
all of those questions you could try out one
a week like on a date night just say let's
take one out for a spin totally those intimacy cards i
think we've talked about like various little kits of intimacy cards if
you feel like you've if you feel like your conversation is trending to the transactional
(05:27):
the day-to-day to get deeper but those eight questions are fantastic nice all
right oh that god is going did indeed would you like to uh discuss a hot topic.
Music.
(05:54):
Companionship versus partnership? Yes.
All of the above.
It's funny, isn't it? Because we have had some questions, haven't we,
where people kind of say, look, I just want companionship. That's all I want.
I don't kind of want anything else. I just want somebody to hang out with,
(06:14):
somebody to spend my time with.
I think one of my questions around that would be if that is the case why not
just have a friend then why you know if you're in a,
normally you'd be in a heterosexual relationship if you're still seeking that
companionship with a man and you're a woman then kind of what's the reason that
(06:35):
kind of friendship isn't enough for you with anybody i think you're right and
i think that there there would probably a fear block,
standing in the way of moving companionship to
partnership like what is entailed for like
i would say like what does what do you discern as
the difference between companionship and partnership and what scares
(06:55):
you about moving to partnership yeah what
do you think might be some of the big fear blocks because i
mean to me a partnership includes companionship
and again this might be very controversial maybe others might not
see it that way i see partnership as a larger umbrella which
includes friendship but includes non-platonic companionship
(07:16):
also so what do you think are the big fear blocks there i
think it's that fear of rejection fear of being let down fear of kind of invest
in everything and then if it doesn't work out then what does that mean what
does that say so if i never dip my toe in the water then i can't get wet you
know if i stand on on the sidelines and I watch kind of everybody else.
(07:38):
Frolicking in the sea, then that's okay. They can do that.
But, you know, I'm never going to get wet if I don't put my dick, my toe in the water.
So I'm going to stay here on the sidelines because that feels safer because I'm not ready to get wet.
Oh, okay, okay. Yes. And I think, okay, so there's a few things in partnership
that to your point, like could feel very scary and permanent.
(08:00):
Like partnership probably requires investment in
property management ownership maybe children
maybe other big things taking care of elders
like that lifelong kind of we're in it to win
it for me also like the sexuality aspect
like not that everything involves sex but for me
most of it does but like companionship feels to be platonic partnership feels
(08:24):
like there's a sexual element and there's a lot of people with trauma and fear
blocks around that and the expectations around that feels a lot safer sometimes
to feel like oh we're just companions
we're just you know you're my best friend but there's a lot that,
might be missing in the other people in terms of the other person's expectations
of partnership being satisfied if one thinks that they're companions the other
(08:48):
feels that they're partners.
And I think that there's a lot of partners that are in crisis or conflict because
there's actually not a joint understanding of the definition of the relationship.
Yeah, I think so too. I think in terms of, you know, we kind of briefly touched
on this off-air around this, you know, what's your kind of life plans together?
(09:11):
What is it that you, you know, if you look to your vision, what is it that you
see in your kind of, you know, your future path?
What is it, what does your relationship stand for today?
Kind of who are you? What do you do? How do you,
you know, to that last question there on the compatibility test,
how do you support each other what is it that you
how do you demonstrate that you are going to be there and kind
(09:33):
of show up because for me in partnership you give kind
of you're given all of it you're given all of yourself your kind
of vulnerabilities have to just you know you have to be
at ease with those you have to let down those walls you
have to share the things that scare and excite
you in full measure and you have to have an
honest discussion and some level of
(09:54):
alignment whether that means compromise or not about what the future looks like
what is it that you are kind of striving together for that's what a partnership
is is this is me and you and we're going to join forces because we think that
we're the best match and this is where we're going to get to as a result of that oh wow yeah.
(10:15):
And actually, I mean, you know, sort of moving towards, well,
solution, like how do we even get on the same side is just like you say,
like even bringing up these discussions, I rarely hear us getting to this depth.
We're always kind of circling around and but just asking straight out,
like, what do you think we are for each other?
Like, what do you think I am for you? Who am I for you? And who are you for me?
(10:38):
Well, we see all times when we're in the start of a relationship,
that awkward bit where you don't know.
Are we going from kind of dating to kind of boyfriend and
girlfriend partners however you want to kind of describe your
kind of the next stage in that relationship but see
people kind of really dancing around it and it's kind of
we don't just come out and frankly say look you
(10:59):
know I would like us to describe ourselves as boyfriend
and girlfriend or you know in a partnership we don't kind of come to that weight
until kind of something happens that you know maybe somebody else describes
us in that way and then you kind of have that awkward discussion afterwards
oh well so are we then I don't know what do you think I know do you want to
(11:19):
be and that just kind of yeah.
I don't know the kind of dancing around the subject as opposed to just saying
kind of you know quite frankly look I would really like to be known as your
girlfriend and you know how do you feel about that as opposed to kind of waiting
for something to kind of almost present itself Yeah, I completely agree.
(11:40):
And there's, well, I'll go so far as to say, there's that awkward,
what are we? What's our definition?
And we both kind of cross that threshold if we're going to and we,
okay, yes, we're boyfriend or girlfriend, or yes, we're partners or whatever that is.
But the weird thing is, we think we're on the same page as to what that means.
And maybe the other big decision point is, are we going to be common law?
(12:02):
Are we going to get married?
All that sort of stuff. And once we decide, we think we're on the same page of what marriage is.
But there's people who probably enter marriage, I know this for a fact,
who feel themselves to be companions, not partners.
Again, it's okay if two people are sort of on that same side and they want to
hold a great deal of independence still while being sort of technically married or common law.
(12:24):
But so often I think that we lose
the real details or we
lose the sort of the granularity that is so important because
we are both under the same definition of spouses
okay well surely we must be on the same
page of what a spouse means we're absolutely not or even
if we think we're on the same page we're not behaving like it so
(12:46):
yeah and I think about that behavior piece
as well but I think you can start off a relationship and really
think yeah we're in a solid partnership like you get married you are kind of
you know you're there for each other you really do live up to and fill that
role but then something can happen over time and that you can start to kind
of take gentle steps backwards to the point where actually you become just companions.
(13:12):
Inside a relationship and that maybe wasn't what you
set out to do originally you know
you set out to have this great love and to always feel
that really strong kind of connection but you
can kind of shift time shifts and we
end up in this companionship we're not quite sure how we got there and neither
one of you want to address this the subject because that kind of you know rocks
(13:36):
the boat a little bit and we're not ready for that we don't want to take the
lid off Pandora's box just yet because actually it's not that bad you know so
I think we get into this situation where
we can explain life away and we can rationalize it and justify it to ourselves.
But deep down, are we really happy with that situation? Probably not.
(13:59):
Oh my gosh, yes. I think that's really important because I don't think a lot
of people call out, we can backtrack, we can backslide.
That happens absolutely, absolutely. Absolutely.
You see here all the time, don't you? Couples will come and they'll be like,
well, I feel like we're just friends. You know, like, what is it that's there?
But there was always something there in the beginning.
(14:21):
And, you know, it's trying to understand what has happened over that period of time.
When did you both stop trying to impress each other?
Absolutely. And I think intimacy comes so easy in the beginning.
We've talked long hours about that initial infatuation phase,
which drives a lot of intimacy.
(14:41):
But then when we lose that fuel source, I think that there's often these calls
or beckoning for intimacy that both people in their own way try to kind of put
out there for consideration and they end up getting hurt and rejected.
They feel like so the bids for intimacy start to become less frequent,
less frequent, and everybody retreats to themselves.
(15:02):
Ourselves you and i are very financially independent
where that's very important to us that actually
is more on the companionship versus the partnership
scales of things yeah yeah and a partner could
very easily misinterpret that and we could be
very sloppy in the way that we communicate how do
we maintain partnership which is intimacy trust and respect
(15:23):
and interdependence while still being
financially independent to some degree so whether
it's finances whether it's sexuality whether it's other
sort of beliefs around you know co-parenting
or sharing life we can very
easily create motions that if
not well communicated can drive us into this friend zone
(15:46):
which we can so easily find ourselves and say how did we get here yeah yeah
and that's the thing like often when you're in that situation people you know
generally will say like it's really not that bad like we are really good friends
we get on really really well but there's just that kind of missing.
Piece of the puzzle that just isn't there anymore they there's
(16:08):
an you know somebody's taken a few ingredients away and the
recipe no longer works absolutely yeah it's this is this is big and it can be
dissected out we often meet couples when they've arrived at a friend zone or
They've traveled very far away from each other and are kind of waking up and
realizing, wait, how did we get there?
(16:29):
So it's a long, long path to start to even point out sort of what's going on,
where the rifts in expectation and understanding are.
There are roads to get back to each other so long as there is this willingness,
like a deep desire and willingness.
Oftentimes, revisiting what brought you to be desirous of this person in the
(16:51):
first place, we often kind of revive some of those old feelings that you once
had as a fuel source. Yeah, take that trip down memory lane.
Totally. Seems silly, but absolutely.
Yeah. Oh, we could talk for hours on this one. This is very big.
It is such an interesting topic, isn't it? I mean kind of
what is enough for one person isn't necessarily
(17:12):
enough for somebody else so and if you're
not aligned in that in your relationship then you do need you know some help
to try and arrive at what the next step looks like for you because if one person
really is happy with companionship and that's all they're kind of interested
in or they've landed at that space because you know the relationship's traveled
over time and they've got to a position where they say, well,
(17:34):
actually, for me now, that's enough.
But the other party really wants that full partnership. I want that full connection.
I want full intimacy in our relationship. And it's not there.
That's when you need to kind of, I would say, get some support,
whether that's therapy, coaching, whichever route you want to go down.
But believing that things are just going to change or things will get better,
(17:57):
generally, kind of, it doesn't, not without some form of intervention.
You've got it. That's 5,000% true.
And if you're interested in prevention, like if you're listening to this and
you're fairly new in your relationship, let's say that you are now referring
to each other for kind of a new thing, saying it's my partner, etc.
Maybe you've just moved in or whatnot. It can be very helpful to get a bottle
(18:20):
of your favorite lemonade or wine and
sit with for an evening without any distractions, go out to dinner, etc.
And ask, so we're partners now. That's what we call each other.
What does partnership mean for you?
And keep an open mind for the answer of your partner and try not to lead the
witness, as it were, and just be really open.
And it could be sometimes very heartbreaking to hear.
(18:42):
You're probably not going to be aligned and maybe you're going to be quite misaligned.
That doesn't mean that there's no future for you.
It's really important, though, to find out from your other half,
like what does partnership mean for you?
Indeed. So you have your homework for this week, listeners.
Check in with your partner and
yeah have a little discussion around companionship partnership what those mean
(19:06):
yeah each of you and we have aligned you well totally a very fruitful conversation
for a long date night yep indeed yeah all righty shall we take a question oh yes let's do it.
Music.
(19:27):
Today's question i've been married for six years and my car is a 2007 model
and needs a lot of repair me and my husband keep our finances separately and
he earns three times as much as me i contribute to the mortgage and the bills
and then i'm only left with a few hundred dollars each month.
He's very private about his money and he's just gone and bought a £50,000 car
(19:53):
without discussing it with me.
Am I wrong for being resentful towards him for not helping me with my car?
Oh, wow. Okay. Yeah. That's a very expensive car.
It is an expensive car, isn't it? My gosh. Okay. We were talking about cars
at the weekend and kind of the price of them.
(20:14):
And it was in connection with a friend who was looking to get a car.
And I was like, I would never spend like those types of sums of money on a car.
Like, I'd like to have a nice car, but I wouldn't spend that much money on one. Yeah, yeah.
Yeah. So what do you think is going on here? well it's
complete well i would say they're not in a partnership i think
(20:35):
it's one thing keeping your money separate i think it's another
having a relationship where i can see
why she's feeling resentful because we feel resentment when we feel like we're
in an unfair disadvantaged position in relative to our partners so we kind of
feel like you know you see you come up with kind of of like chores and housework
(20:57):
and things we feel the resentment when I feel like there's an imbalance.
When I feel like I'm doing everything and you're doing nothing yeah
because we like to go to extremes then that feels
unfair but you know it's not a level playing
field we're in here and I think that's what's happening here
with this couple is you know
the person who's writing in is saying look I am feeling
(21:19):
resentment because I don't feel like we're a level playing
fields you've got everything and I've got nothing and that.
Obviously is going to make somebody feel upset right
would never want to be in a place where we
feel like we are you know so disadvantaged or so
badly done to when you know
in a relationship it is about being able to support each other and
(21:42):
it feels to me like the support isn't necessarily there now
whether the support what was being requested or not we don't know right
right right devil's advocate what might
if you were to bring this husband into the picture
and and sit him down what do you think might be
a pretty plausible side of his story
you might say look i didn't even know it was an issue so
(22:04):
that's why i'm saying if this person hasn't really raised
it and said look match your feeling a bit peeved that
you've gone out and you're able to spend like 50 grand on
a car and i'm contributing in literally every
penny that I've got to our house as well and paying the
same as you when I earn like a lot less than you this
feels really unfair to me unless she's kind of really sat
(22:24):
down and spelled that picture out the other person could say look I knew nothing
about this I didn't even know we kept our finances separate we both agreed that
at some stage you know whether we did or they didn't you know but clearly there's
been there's some sort of an assumption if not an actual full agreement on this.
So they kept their finances separate. He might not even know that there's something
(22:46):
going on with a kind of money level there.
And it's really funny because,
And this is where it spins out of control when you ask five of your best friends.
They're like, oh, he's such a dog, whatever, whatever.
And the problem is like a lot of it seems like pretty callous.
Like it seems like it would be very obvious to be like, that's a very large purchase.
(23:09):
Why didn't you run this by but
but really honestly like we as coaches we
see a lot of very surprising misunderstandings where
people genuinely have a certain point of
view and they are not meaning any malice by taking
what sounds like in retrospect a pretty
boneheaded independent decision so i
(23:32):
i think what's really important is to to first assume unless
there's other patterns of abuse or neglect in the
relationship right of course that's a deal breaker but assume
lack of malintent assume either good
intent or just complete like bozo i wasn't
aware you know ignorance because i think that's where it gets tripped up is
(23:54):
like well but how could you be so like it seems obvious that that purchase should
have been you should have thought of me like why are you being so careless that
seems like a pretty obvious careless move I just wanted to say it's actually
not obvious and you'd be surprised.
So if you assume good intent or lack of malintent, what might be possible?
(24:14):
And one can still salvage this situation in that, you know.
Speaking as somebody who's had independent finances before, like there's a,
it can seem like a really great idea.
And it can sound like, oh, yeah, we're just, we, different checkbooks,
different whatever, we don't have any conversations around you do your spending, I do mine.
But really like there's an
(24:36):
inherent problem with separate finances
does not mean no communication and for me i can
i put my hand up i've enjoyed separate finances
because it's gotten around what i thought was a need to communicate and it doesn't
that's the whole point so if you're anything like me and you're kind of waking
up to the fact like oh if we're independently we still have to have financial
(24:57):
conversations with each other because there's interpretations and expectations
that have not been expressly verbalized.
So this is a great opportunity to start to lay some of your expectations,
your unspoken expectations out on the table.
With this person writing in, what do you think are their baseline assumptions
(25:17):
about their financial model that are now being exposed?
Yeah, so I think there's a genuine feeling of unfairness.
And I could understand that I think in
order to have like true separate finances and for that
to work in your relationship I think yes you
do need to still have discussions about money that
doesn't avoid that discussion but I also and
(25:39):
this is just a personal view I think that you need to have relatively similar-ish
within sort of you know 10-20 grand salaries because then you are able to make
your own kind of independent decisions without there being significant impact on the other.
Or a feeling of significant impact and I think that's what's
(26:01):
happening in this situation is this person is feeling like
this is really unfair for me I'm still contributing the
exact same money as you but I earn like way less
you're able to then do whatever you want with your money and I've got very little
left over to be able to do anything with therefore I've got a whole lot less
freedom than you have and that doesn't feel fair to me so I would imagine that's
(26:25):
what's happening for this person
but again you know without a conversation around this and the impact.
I don't think you can really kind of you know there's no other way to raise
it than to say this is really distressing me and I you know they've been together
for six years if you want that relationship to continue resentment in any shape
or form needs to be dealt with because it will eventually turn to contempt and
(26:48):
that's it then game over for your relationship.
Mm hmm. Yep. No, absolutely true.
And remember, too, earning is not a steady state.
So there's many folks who take a step back because they are going to take a
primary parenting role or they're taking care of an elder or they're starting
a new business, whatever that might be.
So even if you might be the higher earner now or there might be parity in your
(27:09):
earning now, down the road, well, that's another thing about trust.
Like, do I trust my partner to not only pick up the slack financially if I'm
going to take a step back from my career, but also, I mean, that's the thing.
Like, if you're used to being financially independent and now you feel like
you're on a very limited allowance and you're at the mercy of your partner opening
(27:31):
up the purse strings, like, that is a horrible feeling.
So, you know, in advance of taking a step back.
Want to have a conversation with your partner to say okay you're going to be the main earner
but I don't want to feel like I'm coming to you for an allowance or
I want to feel to some degree the
same amount of financial freedom so what
(27:51):
might it look like to be able to still keep
a separate bank account or something like that and it sounds kind of weird but
like you're actually transferring money into my account so I don't have to keep
asking you but the other partner who
is the higher or earner might say well in their minds they're like
yeah but you have to somehow earn that well what's
the parody of i'm doing stuff for
(28:12):
the home or the family or for a venture or
a dream that doesn't have a a financial
remuneration right now but down the
road it could or perhaps one person is
working at home and is allowing the other person to in to
go out there into the world and make money but there has to
be an understanding also not only the fairness of expenditure
(28:34):
but also are we both contributing equally
and oftentimes you are in different
ways but the perception and the optics are very different
we will often be like yeah i feel
like i'm working over 50 percent my contribution is
more than my partner's my partner's slacking off a bit
and those can be and and when we.
(28:55):
Explore it it's often because the the weighting of
the the contribution is skewed in
our own minds yeah like how how easy is it to do the gardening that's so easy
the other person's like i'm out there for hours yeah making our home look good
from the outside it's actually really important yeah i think it's really really
easy to see the effort that we're putting in because we're fully aware of it
(29:17):
right it's happening inside of us and we are you know we're taking.
The action, we're doing it, we know how it makes us feel, we know how tired
we're feeling, exhausted when we've kind of done whatever the chores are,
or you know, I've been to the supermarket again for the fifth week in a row
and you've never been and I,
So we can kind of like see, we can feel ourselves, the impact that some of these things have.
(29:39):
What it is more difficult to do is to actually see the impact and see what others are doing.
And very often we don't see that until one of us goes away.
And then we're like, actually, maybe you do do more than I think you do.
It's so funny. I just read this recently. you know if
if one who is taking care of the home and the kids for example
(30:02):
is feeling undervalued and they are let's
say there's maybe a reunion that they have an opportunity to go to
for a few days they may choose to go away
and have their partner sort of take up the slack but don't cook
all the meals and put them in the fridge and do all the laundry in advance or
whatever just leave and leave everything unattended yeah not that you want to
(30:23):
be like punitive to your partner but just Just we really don't do ourselves
a service because we often will like pre-prepare the meals and get all the laundry done.
So your partner kind of has like the dream sort of best case scenario existence.
And they're like, oh, your job is not that hard. Yeah, because you pre-prepped all the meals.
And you've got all the doctor's appointments done outside of this sort of protected
(30:46):
reunion time. Yeah, I was never that person.
Cool. Yeah.
And that might be an essential thing is to say, well, why don't we swap roles?
You know, I'm just sort of spend a day or spend a week in the life of your shoes.
And let me come to a greater understanding of what your role actually looks like.
(31:07):
Yeah indeed wow let's finish
off this question and so in terms of this you
know listener who's raising the question
what is the kind of the next move
for them i think you know certain validated today why
they might feel that resentment and it's great
to get some validation isn't it of your feelings and to realize actually i'm
(31:29):
not going absolutely mad i there is
some basis there for the feelings that i have in but then
you know we need to kind of then move to a step forward how
do we get some sort of resolution like what what is
the next step it's the big girl pants and
it's inviting your partner to a conversation and
a series of conversations because the dust has been swept under the rug on this
(31:53):
issue for a very long time under the guise of financial independence but it's
hidden a lot of expectations that have not been cleared out so So this is a
beautiful gateway to a number of conversations around fairness, roles,
finances, how one supports the other.
Absolutely. I would say buckle in.
(32:15):
And I think, yeah, you absolutely have to address it now. Otherwise,
it's just going to rumble on and it will get to a position where you get to
the point of no return almost.
Oh, my gosh. I mean, we see it all the time, right? That $50,000 car.
It's going to be little snippy comments about like, oh, whatever.
Oh, your fancy car. Good for you, yeah.
And then you'll think all sorts of… I've got that lovely car to drive around
(32:36):
in and I'm driving around in it.
Right? Totally. Yeah. Are you having an affair?
You're wanting to like pick up like hot people in
that new fancy car of yours like horrible like if you
think it's not going to go into bad places it absolutely will so yeah
and that's not the way there was kind of you know the snide remarks the little
kind of jives that's not healthy communication so no we have all done it people
(33:00):
we are better than that i have been snippy snide and passive-aggressive and
it got me absolutely nowhere yeah and so and and but just be super
prepared for your partner to come out with stuff that is
surprising yeah he went you know blew 50 000 on
a car but like just open mind and hear
his side of the story hear his perception of how things stand and he's going
(33:23):
to say at least one thing that really surprises you try as much as possible
to not defensive get into your defensive lockdown mode and just really listen
yeah yeah they all want to take you ah always as hard as it is.
Oh god I've got to be an adult again today oh gosh
(33:44):
what was that thing that you said can you read that out you read it
out to us before oh my god it's awesome dear listener
yeah it just really just tickled me so it said it's just a posting on social
media it says I understand being a responsible adult but every day every single
day that seems a little bit excessive I know I'm like I can hear you on that one.
(34:07):
Oh, God. I know. Communication like an adult. What? Do I have to? Yeah.
Gosh. Oh, this is good stuff. I'm sorry. You do.
Sorry. And maybe not every day, but at least 360 plus days a year. Yeah.
Maybe got three days off a year. We'll give you a couple. I know. Sorry, guys.
(34:30):
Oh, okay. Well, that kicked my ass again. So I feel like I'm armed with a little
bit more adulting advice for the week ahead.
We all have our homework for the week to come. Exactly.
So is it full-on summer barbecue garden? Is it all kicking off? Oh, I bloody wish.
I swear to God, like, I can't even talk about the weather. It's so exciting right now.
(34:51):
So many else have posted on social media, why are we still wearing jumpers in
July? Like, what happened?
Oh. So, yeah. It's because Southern Europe stole all the heat and then some.
We're just kind of basically hoarding everyone's heat. Yeah, you are.
I sweat as a back. Thank you very much.
Yeah. And literally my wardrobe is jam-packed because I can't even take the
(35:12):
things out I normally take out of it. Oh, yeah.
The winter wardrobe. Yeah, the winter wardrobe, the summer wardrobe,
they're all merging into one because I don't know what weather we're going to get the next day.
So anyway, we did actually have some sunshine on Friday and managed to eat outside
in the garden. It was delicious.
Oh. Sorry.
(35:35):
The rest of the weekend was quite literally a washout. Oh, good.
There was almost a river kind of streaming down the road as we were driving
out on Saturday night. God.
We were trying to go down so the other cars could overtake us.
There just wasn't enough space on the road for two cars and all of the water. Oh, my God.
(35:55):
Anyway, you wish you'd never asked now. Oh, sorry.
Aside from that, everything's great.
When you go and enjoy yourself, Shane. Oh, my gosh. I'm going to turn the fan
on now because I'm totally drenched wet.
Oh, gosh. I tell you, feast or famine when it comes to this weather. I know.
(36:19):
All right. Well, you go and enjoy basking in your sunshine.
Staying away from the sunshine more like it, yeah? Yeah.
Music.
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