August 19, 2024 • 35 mins
Welcome to another episode of Geordie Lass and Doc Sass!
Join us as we dive into the vibrant lives of our hosts, Sara and Anna, who live the rural dream in picturesque Greece and navigate unpredictable weather back in the UK. There's never a dull moment, from the beauty of fresh figs to the quirks of rural neighbours.
Love Desk: The controversial trend of asking wedding guests to pay for their attendance. How would you feel receiving an RSVP with a credit card payment request? We explore the implications and share our thoughts on this modern-day problem.
Hot Topic: You can say I do, but it doesn't you can.
When you say I do, are you thinking about how to make your relationship last a lifetime? It's time to shift some thoughts from the big day to the rest of your life.
Question: "My partner and I have very different love languages - I prefer physical touch, while they value acts of service. How can we bridge this gap?" This week's query comes from a couple struggling to align their love languages—one prefers physical touch while the other values acts of service.
To identify your love language, take the test here.
Please listen to our expert tips on finding harmony and strengthening your relationship.
Don't miss this engaging episode filled with laughter, insights, and a dash of sass!
Visit us at geordielass.com or email us at info@geordielass.com with your thoughts and topic suggestions. Happy listening!
Till next time
Sara Liddle
Email: info@inflori.co.uk
Website: www.inflori.co.uk
Relationship Reset: www.inflori.co.uk/reset
Anna Stratis
Email: coachdocanna@gmail.com
Website: www.coachdocanna.com
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
Welcome to Geordie Lass and Doc Sass. One day a Geordie and a Canadian walk
into a bar and decide to start a podcast about relationships and what a topic.
Music.
That is. No subjects are off limits.
Get in touch today with us at geordielass.com or email info at geordielass.com
and let us know what you think and what we should talk about.
(00:24):
Welcome to the podcast. Hello. Hi Sarah. Hello. How's it going?
It's good. It's sundown, which
is very exciting. We're out in a rural area and living the rural life.
I have to say, you look like you are in a very, very gorgeous position right now. Yeah, yeah.
I'm only the tiniest, most gigantist bit jealous.
(00:47):
There is a pretty hot stone house in my background as we're recording,
so pretty excited about that.
Yeah, it looks gorgeous and I wish I was there. Oh, well, a lovely neighbor
just passed by and threw up some figs that he'd collected on his walk.
An elder gentleman, very saucy. So figs are in season.
(01:08):
This country, there's a lot of things that make you crazy about Greece,
but the figs kind of make up for it. So, yeah.
I've got to ask, is that a euphemism for anything?
Totally it's so funny isn't it as though the
as the listener is listening they're like what are we what are we talking about here
yeah no actual fruit figs yeah good
(01:30):
good you're getting your five a day and exactly i thought that only existed
in a glass but anyway you know it's funny i'd never had a fresh fig until last
year ever in my life yeah because they're so expensive in in canada so yeah
it's it's amazing and all the fruit and veg is expensive over there isn't it,
i can't believe people pay like five pounds for a pepper yeah like
(01:52):
that yeah that is crazy some of the things are i
mean you just can't yeah i mean right now we're eating peaches like what that
like the grow here it's insane it's insane yeah i had some nice nectarines the
other day i'm pretty sure they're not as nice as the ones you get that anyway
maybe they've come from here yeah you never know probably yeah how are things going for you,
(02:15):
How is summer? Yeah, what is summer?
Is that the rainy season? Is that what summer is? Are you serious?
Has the rain come back again?
Oh, it's just like completely unreliable, although it's supposed to be gorgeous
at the weekend. So yeah, I'm not going to complain about the weather.
Oh my gosh. I just hope that like your garden furniture, I don't know why I
(02:37):
just, I spend winters thinking about you in the garden.
It is wrecked. I do get out of there as often as I can. but
anyway oh wow so well
let's go to the garden and ask the relationship desk
of love miss correspondent what's going on
okay as we enter
(02:57):
the wedding season i came across a
bit of wedding news that may startle you
okay do tell all right okay
so how would you feel if you got a wedding invitation through
the post and you had to go online
to register to rsvp and along
with that rsvp came a little credit card box where you had to enter your details
(03:21):
to pay for your guest appearance oh wait a minute uh you're not talking about
like here's my registry go and spend
$300 you're talking about to pay for your meal yeah pay for your attendance
here oh no way tell me more yeah what well that was all it said so literally
(03:44):
had no more information than that other than clearly the guests were it did
say the guests were in uproar at being asked to.
Pay their contribution towards this person's wedding
oh my god i have to
say if i wasn't expecting it i'd be
really really surprised now i have
been to weddings in the past where you know the bride and groom
(04:07):
have been on a very tight budget they have said look
we'd really really love you to come to the wedding we are doing a really kind
of low-key event we have you know decided we're going to get married in a registry
office again to kind of keep costs low we're then just going to go to a local
restaurant we're going to have dinner like a kind of you know or lunch,
(04:27):
early dinner type thing.
And I'm sorry, but as funds are tight, you know, we would really appreciate
if you'd cover the cost of your meal.
Oh that one that's lovely yes so that's
different because you're kind of expecting it you have been
given the information up front you're still
told you know look you're really important i want you to come i think
part of this thing for me is the is the delivery mechanism
(04:51):
so if you get an rsvp go to type in
your things and you get presented with a payment box first of
all i'd be thinking is this a scam like totally have i gotten to the wrong no
have i somehow landed on some kind of dodgy website has their website page being
infiltrated I'd be emailing going or texting going oh look just to let you know
I think somebody's hacked your site here yeah yeah.
(05:15):
So I would probably genuinely think it was a mistake if
I wasn't aware that there was some kind of upfront communication
about what to expect right right well
I think it would come as a sharply no absolutely and i think i mean this is
pretty typical of i mean coach around this all the time where people are so
scared of communicating that they will slide things by people kind of like slide
(05:39):
it into their dms because they're terrified to have the conversation up front,
and so i i mean gosh it terrifies me
to think of how much a wedding costs these days like
i don't know but I mean yeah I mean the pricey like
okay and I get that but I also think you
get to choose your you get to
(06:00):
choose your budget and how you want to celebrate it and I think there's a
you know it's like anything there's a there's an occasion for all budgets and
in pockets you know you decide how many people don't want to go where do I want
the venue to be how low key do I want it to be you get to decide all of that
and if you're deciding that you want to go kind of I'm I'm going to go big,
(06:20):
but I'm going to kind of share this course with my guests, then like what control
do your guests have like over...
You know let's say the i don't know let's say the
fee is 200 200 pounds each and you
say well i can't afford that plus the dress
plus the present plus travel all the rest
of it oh my god yeah so then what do you do like do
(06:42):
you say well you know i'd love to celebrate
but i can't afford that budget either you're not in control of
how much the bride and groom are spending or how much
they're asking you to contribute i think that's the thing because
if you fundamentally mentally disagree with the budget of the wedding and
and I like I'm embarrassed to say that I kind
of thought per plate it would be like a hundred per plate I didn't
(07:03):
know it's up to 200 per plate now like that's just
oh I mean I don't know I'm just guessing right no but yeah I
think you're right like I can just see how costs kind
of add up you know it depends what are the bride and groom apportioning to
their guests is it the flowers is it
the rings is it you know the the the hire of the venue like what what is it
(07:24):
I'm paying for yeah that's not in your control as a guy yeah yeah yeah no I
mean I think oh gosh yeah that would come as a major values violation because
if somebody is paying for stuff I'm like I don't actually think that's important I wouldn't.
God yeah can you knock the flowers off for me love because i'm not bothered at all so,
i'll just pay like 50 pounds i was gonna say
(07:46):
oh totally i think johnny she loves flowers so she can probably pay a bit more
than me totally and you know what i love the music at the wedding so i will
pay for the wedding singers or at least a bunch of each of the wedding singing
uh but yeah flowers i don't care they're like an old checklist i like this this
this this and this so So, yeah, pick and mix menu.
Oh, my God. That'll be £80.50 for you. Oh, my God.
(08:09):
That is pick and mix. You could take it to the extreme, couldn't you?
I mean, it's true. And then, oh, my gosh. I think it's also a very,
I'm just thinking about sort of like another cultural context where no way would,
it's just, it is weird. Some of the weird stuff we're doing in the West.
Other cultures wouldn't dream of, you know, shirking their duties in terms of hospitality.
(08:32):
Hospitality like that's just frankly embarrassing thinking about where i
am in greece i don't think any self-respecting person here would
have a credit card number for their for their wedding or
their baptism or any number of celebrations i i
think don't they um pin money to you when you get married in greece oh
that's a very good question i don't know i've never been to a greek wedding i know
that sounds weird yeah i think it's in greece that i pin
(08:53):
money to you and it's a sizeable chunk of money because i
think the kind of history of it is that it's to help you set up your kind of
first family home and get the bride and groom kind of in a good footing for
their wedding together yeah i think you're right i don't know apologies if anybody
is greek and i've just completely fabricated all of that but i think some of it sounds familiar.
(09:16):
It's so funny because i'm like i don't actually know i haven't been to a greek
wedding but i say get on the mission is to find out yeah exactly exactly it's going to try to crash a.
Do is the gift like the bridal registry gift and I'm kind of like okay I guess
you know two or three hundred dollars is kind of the new kind of rate of how
(09:38):
much we're paying these days but I thought the registry was the thing to get,
the couple on their feet and was
kind of paying for my yeah yeah but maybe they don't do that in
greece i don't know oh no but i mean maybe it's
like a different yeah yeah in the west yeah you'd have kind of
like a yeah you'd have a wedding list and yeah yeah
yeah it's just you know what it is i i
(09:59):
think unfortunately and you know with all due respect to these people who
went and thought that that might have been a great idea to
embed a credit card link in their wedding rsvp website but
it is just tacky I'm sorry to say it's just
tacky and you know what no from
Anna yeah it's a hard no but the thing is it's not that I
mind it it's all in the communication it's the
(10:20):
avoidant communication absolutely yeah I mean if you are trying to keep costs
low you know there are options that may be like everyone brings a brings a dish
or and you just have a really lovely kind of you know potluck supper where everyone's
contributes and everyone kind of says He goes, look, I'll do this, I'll do that.
And you do all of that in lieu of getting a present and just make it a magical day.
(10:42):
You know, there are ways to achieve any result that you want to.
I'm not sure this was the right way.
I love it. Yes, correct.
It's so funny. As we're in the Olympics, just coming to the tail end of the
Olympics, I'm thinking, Sarah, I just thought about you.
Like if there were relationship Olympics and you were seeing like the gymnastic equivalent
(11:04):
of the dismount and and if you were a
commentator saying you know i think there
could be a blah blah but that just wasn't the right way i'm like i feel
like we're doing relationship you know gymnast commentator
in the spirit of the olympics we're
like no six out of ten yeah there's
(11:24):
no ring there for you i'm sorry love good god no may
not be quite literally after that what are you absolutely
not getting anywhere near the podium dear that's awesome anyway as fascinating
as that topic is and i could continue but i do feel like we've got another few
things to fit into the podcast today yes let's let's uh are we taking up a hot
(11:46):
topic we most certainly are all right let's go okay.
Music.
Today's hot topic which is bizarrely connected
to the relationship love desk cool okay so let's say that this couple do actually
(12:07):
manage to make it through this wedding and some guests do turn up to celebrate
it today's hot topic is you can say i do but it doesn't mean you can oh god God.
Actually, it's so funny because I actually thought it was going to be,
you can say I do, but it doesn't mean you should.
Ooh, let's do that another day. Oh my God, totally. So actually,
(12:29):
I have to say, for some reason, my brain is so in the rut of like that,
but it doesn't mean you can.
You can say I do, but it doesn't, I don't know if I understand.
It doesn't mean that you can say it,
but you may not be able to hold up to the
promises made in that vow i
would say so yeah so for me yeah
(12:52):
so for what for me what comes up is and we've
we've discussed this before in the podcast where couples who
get married a lot of the time and i think it
happens maybe more so when you're younger and you get married because you
get caught in the whirlwind and kind of instagram tiktok
phase of life you can tell my daughter's back from you totally it's
(13:12):
all about tiktok now oh yeah so yeah
the whole kind of social media spirit where it's all about the
ring the dress the decorations the tables the
place that ends the what else
does it have like the name board that tells you where you're sitting you know
all the little lovely fancy touches that we seem
to invent more and more ways of kind of
(13:34):
being elaborate at weddings yeah and the focus is 100% on getting to that day
and probably the honeymoon to some extent you know and that is 100% the focus
the focus isn't really on how do we
get through the next 60 70 80 90 years together I love 90 years together.
(13:55):
It's still possible with some weird life
suppressing jokes well there are bros in
in silicon valley who are trying to work on this very thing so i
know i know hey listen i'm sure it's
going to come our way whether in our lifetime i'm not too sure
absolutely absolutely and and truly like over
the last 50 60 years we are living together so
(14:17):
much longer and that's why our divorce rates are so much
higher so yeah i mean
gosh and it's something we talk about a lot we've we really
have experienced this like the relationship like
monogamous union with another
person is just a marathon like a long marathon or like an iron man or three
(14:37):
iron mans yeah but i'd really wonder like how many people if you asked them
on the day of your wedding what you know what's your kind of primary thought is it really truly about.
Spending the rest of your life with this person and really making it
work and digging deep at the times that you need to and
celebrating all the beautiful things that come with it so don't
(15:00):
you know it's not all kind of doom and gloom although we seem to focus
on the doom a little bit you know is it is
that at the forefront of your mind I am saying I
do and I am going to make this work come hell
or high water or is it
the kind of whimsical lovely kind of beautiful beautiful
romantic thoughts of oh this is just my best
(15:21):
person well the latter obviously yeah
yeah and you should feel
like that on your wedding day you should but I'm just
wondering at which point do you factor in this kind of how do I put plans in
place how do I deal with the tough times when they come my way how do I voice
(15:41):
my concerns when I'm kind of feeling like we're in a tricky situation instead
of doing some of the other self self-sabotaging behaviors that we can do.
How do I kind of be the best partner that I can be and how do I bring out the
best of my partner like at what point do we actually sit focus on that is it
pre-wedding is it six months after you've got married is it three months down
(16:07):
the line is it 10 years down the line like Like,
when do we factor that in and when do we kind of, I guess,
repeat that process to keep re-centering on what the goal is?
You know, if you think, I was reading something about kind of,
you know, in a corporate setting, a corporate culture, people will go and have
(16:27):
like quarterly planning sessions.
They will have annual reviews of how things are going.
They will set out their goals for the next two or three years.
They will look at strategies to help them implement them and help them actually achieve those goals and.
We don't do anywhere near as much thinking about relationship.
We just go, oh, yeah, there's some people who do lovely. We love each other.
(16:49):
And it's quite hot. Like, yeah, it seems like, you know, he's come from a good pedigree.
Let's go for it. Oh, my God, totally. And, you know, it's so funny.
There are certainly some companies overdoing it these days with their,
like, calibrations and mid-years.
So as much as a lot of folks are rightfully throwing shade on some of the crazy
(17:11):
calibration and performance evaluation processes, it's amazing how the process of hiring people,
keeping people and promoting people in a company is done with such scientific
rigor and also performance improvement plans and coaching plans and so forth.
So when there are folks who are having performance struggles,
(17:32):
and, you know, communication comes up in that too, that they're actively coached
to be able to perform at a, you know, to be able to increase their skills.
And like marriage, there's nothing.
Although, you know, shout out for the old, you know, a lot of the conventional
religious programs that have marriage preparation courses.
(17:53):
And that's like the best we get. and it
is actually pretty good although i'll say from the religion
i came from it's delivered by people who are
celibate don't get married but that's a whole other so that's
but that's the best tell you how to live your life the fountain of all knowledge
oh yeah i think it's just a really interesting parallel to draw isn't it in
(18:18):
terms of kind of what we do when we're at work and kind of how we form relationships,
how we bring people into our teams to work closely with and just how vastly
different that is from kind of, you know, the old days when you go down the
club, pull somebody for the night and, you know, six months later,
you're moving in with them. Oh my God.
(18:38):
Which I'm sure still happens today. Yeah. And sometimes those marriages actually
work out, but most of the time.
Yeah, yeah. So what would you recommend in this day and age of where people,
their biggest concerns are the table arrangements and some fancy kind of new
age Instagram theme or trend?
(18:58):
How do you bring it back to the basics? I think
you know it's great to have those things and I'm not kind of poopooing
them at all it's great to have lovely things to celebrate to
everyone loves a party right they love party planning the
part of the excitement and the anticipation is in
the kind of happiness that is brought about by the event comes from that
planning so we get greater joy often from the
(19:21):
anticipation of an event than we do from
the kind of overall event and then equally we get
you know happiness that is generated as we
look back on the event so that whole kind
of if we look at that in totality from the kind of pre-planning the
actual event itself and then the post um kind
of romantic review of it all we get a great experience
(19:42):
from that and it brings us great joy and happiness so i'm not saying
that we shouldn't do that we absolutely should be celebrating it and
it is you know we are entering into a marriage that
ideally we're going to enter into for life because that's what
we're signing up to and it's so it's important to
have kind of a start that you're happy with and you want to be able to celebrate
that moment because it's a momentous occasion so I'm
(20:03):
not saying we shouldn't do that what I am saying is that we should have something
alongside that that helps set us up for success in that marriage and I think
that's the bit that we're missing so if you go back to some of those kind of
premarital courses that you mentioned in there that's what they are aiming to
do is to make you think about some of the things that you haven't really thought about before.
You know, it's rumoured that Kate and Will did do the IPEC.
(20:31):
You're kidding what's it called a
code training program or the energy no no the
energy so it's rumored yeah so it's rumored that
kate and will actually took the energy assessment from
ipec our training school and they did
that before they got married now i don't know how true
it is it's something i heard on my training but that
(20:51):
kind of you know actually kind of says
to me they were really serious about kind of understanding
each other in more detail i don't know whether they
took any coaching around that as well to kind of set them up for
success but I do think you get out with anything
what you put into it and if we're not putting the right ingredients
in we're never going to bake the cake in the right way you've
(21:11):
got it and I'll add to that you know
there's a lot of people who ignore red flags and just hope they'll
go away and like if you were doing like
due diligence to on a merger or an acquisition
you would find red flags and probably convince the board
not to go ahead with the merger right but it's amazing
how we'll still march to the aisle even though
(21:32):
there's glaring red flags i will say not only have a conversation with your
spouse or do some collaborative assessments like the eli assessment but also
have a good conversation with yourself and i know it's scary you know call something
off but divorce is a lot scarier i I mean, listen,
both of us have done it. We're both standing.
(21:54):
But, you know, just be nice not to have to do that again. You know. Yes, indeed. Indeed.
So, yeah. Yeah. I think it's a fascinating topic, though, isn't it?
And I think just that phrase itself can make you think about,
actually, what am I doing?
And even if you're married already or you're in a relationship,
think about that kind of longevity.
(22:15):
What are you willing and able to put in to make sure that that relationship
is a success now and into the future yes and i think that's what the question
really kind of makes me think about okay that's a spicy one it is indeed we
are getting you there today,
(22:36):
so is it time for a question yeah let's go.
Music.
My partner and I have very different love languages. I prefer physical touch
while they value acts of service.
How can we bridge this?
(22:56):
Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh. It's funny when I coach couples and we tend to show
our love in our love language. Yeah.
And we don't often stop to think, wait a minute, am I speaking in my love language
or am I speaking in the language that somebody else understands?
Again, if I'm speaking English and somebody is speaking Greek,
(23:17):
I can speak English till the cows come home.
But the person speaking Greek will not receive my messages.
I've got to learn to speak Greek. So we know that it's speaking languages,
but it's the love languages.
And people will even do the five love languages test and they'll know what those are.
So that's my takeaway. It's like we just fundamentally don't understand.
(23:41):
All of us are very selfish. I'm very selfish, right? why
would i give gifts if i don't value gifts i would find
that very painful but the other person is
is feeling like the oxygen leaving the
room they're not feeling cared for if i don't if i'm
not speaking what really resonates with them so yeah
what's coming up for you well there's two things for me
(24:03):
the first thing that really stood out is the last
part of the question how do i I bridge the gap oh there
isn't a gap right you just like different things there's not
a gap to bridge in my opinion so so
for me it is about more how do
I learn to give something that my partner is
open to receiving when it isn't something that
(24:26):
comes naturally or isn't inherent in me
and I think that's a fundamental difference I think
the love language is kind of it links to
kind of the values it's what you like to experience
in life it's you know you wouldn't say you know
I need to well I guess it is a bit like values right how do I act in a way that's
(24:46):
in a in accordance with my partner's values when it's not something that's inherent
in me wow yes and I think the same exists for love languages so if your love
language is act of service and your partner's isn't.
They're not naturally going to think about just doing nice things for you that
are going to bring you joy and happiness.
(25:07):
Because it's just not ingrained in them. If their love language is physical touch,
they are naturally just going to come up at any available opportunity,
come for a hug, lean in, give you a kiss, stroke your hand, because that's just
how they show affection, because that's how they would like to receive it.
Correct. But they're not going to get bread from the bakery when really what
(25:28):
you're wanting is like, could you pick up the dry cleaning?
Could Could you, you know, empty the dishwasher or whatever that is.
Film a song with Rachel, please, because I hate doing it.
Oh, yeah, totally, totally. I did hear recently, and it's so true,
is the love languages will often be something, when we crave something,
we will often have had that neglected in our home of origin.
(25:50):
So, you know, there can be some, yeah, so
like if words of affirmation are really important
to us because we had a very cold parent who didn't
give us a lot of affirmation or tell us that we were great
you know so you know you could probably look at
your love languages and say maybe those were things that were missing and you
know it is what it is right but there still are our love language yeah yeah
(26:13):
yeah wow so there is no gap you're right and it's it's funny because very rarely
i've never met a couple where their love languages were matched yeah they're
often they They are often different, aren't they?
I think for me, it comes down to changing some habitual behavior.
And old habits are hard to break, even if they're good habits, right?
(26:34):
So, you know, a good habit might be I've kind of done these lovely things for
you. I've made you some lunch.
I've, you know, driven five miles out my way to get something that I know you
really like or whatever it is.
It's about kind of trying to break that habit, or maybe not fully break it.
Some of those things are nice to do, right?
But how do we introduce some new habits that actually do address the other person's love language?
(26:59):
So if it is physical touch, if it is words of affirmation, how do I bring that
in in a bit more habitual way until it just becomes an unconscious habit that I do more of?
But here's where again our sort of
weird renaissance romance expectations get
us in trouble because we think that somebody should just do
(27:20):
things because they just feel the urge or the love
drives them if it ain't your love language you're not
going to remember there's no love that's going to drive
you to words of affirmation so
schedule it like use your calendar and schedule
an event three times a week three times a
day two times a day whatever it is just a little reminder
(27:41):
of like do that thing until it starts
to become a bit more and you know hopefully some positive feedback
right when you see your person just light up
because they're finally understanding that you
love them then you're you know they're getting that message in the bottle that
you love them then you'll that will feel great and that will reinforce the giving
(28:03):
yeah and it creates new neural pathways in your brain so when you do some of
the nines for somebody else and you can start to do that on kind of repeat and
as you say you get that positive.
Reaction or affirmation back that creates
something in your brain that lights up it's like a
neural pathway and it kind of triggers something in your brain and your
(28:23):
brain goes oh i quite like that because the brain doesn't really understand
what's going it just knows whether it likes something or doesn't do i need to
protect you from this or do i celebrate it to you know is this giving me a dopamine
hit or is it not yeah and yeah and so you create that pathway so whilst in the
beginning it might seem quite kind of.
Diarized or kind of forced but it
(28:45):
will become a natural habit over time you will naturally become
better at saying I love you you will naturally
come better at saying could you look really nice today or do you know what I
was I was really kind of admired the way you handled such and such that will
just start to become like a natural thing because you will have practiced it
a little bit and you will have created this this neural pathway that says actually we'll both get joy
(29:10):
and pleasure from this so why would i not do it yeah no
i agree there is something it is hard
to because a lot of words of affirmation can go unspoken they're in our head
we think it and it's that thing of like when you feel something say something
when you think something say something and just bringing it out of your mouth
(29:33):
it can just do a world of difference with with your relationship.
So many people we coach where one partner feels really emotionally neglected.
They just don't get that emotional love from their partner, for example.
And again, others, physical touch, big one. So, yeah.
We did a great episode on feel it, think it, say it, which you can go back to and listen to.
(29:57):
Yes, good treasure. Thank you for the past history there. There are some good
gems on there for sure. Yes. Always worth a re-listen.
Yeah. So what would bring us out with a kind of a final comment on that, if you will?
So my final comment would be, you know, we talk a lot about kind of awareness, acceptance, choice.
So my final comment is you're aware of this now.
(30:19):
You, for whatever reason, this has become part of, you know,
it's coming to your psyche, you're thinking, actually, this is something I need to maybe consider.
I accept that we've got a different love language, you know, you know, accept that.
And then we move into action so then it's about saying okay what can i do about
this what choices do i make how do i change some of my behavior to get more
(30:44):
of this into our relationship that is going to strengthen our bond and connection nice.
This is mandatory preliminary reading, an action item, homework,
before you go to the aisle and say, I do.
This will give you a better chance of being able to say, I can.
(31:05):
Yeah, it's all in the mix, for sure. Right on.
So, well, what's on for the rest of the day, the rest of the week,
the weekend that's going to be more beautiful?
Well, I just have to applaud you and me for getting through that session because
nobody else will know by the time that this podcast is edited.
(31:25):
I am pretty good at editing.
Anna is an amazing editor and she's going to manage to edit out a guy with a
microphone talking to dogs. Loud speaking.
No, it was the guy with the loudspeakers attached to his car and the dogs were
barking and chasing the car.
I have to say we've recorded in some crazy times that has got to top the post
(31:48):
for me remember me recordings in the hostel and the doors i literally think it's on top of it.
I think just for fun i'm just gonna well i think
i don't think i'll be able to avoid it i think i'll have to be at least one loud
speaker of some guy announcing some party in
the next in the next town yeah don't worry
(32:09):
it wasn't announced in the shutdown of the podcast we will be
here next week oh we're going to be here next week totally i
mean there's so much need for all
those folks going to walk the aisle and make a
big commitment in this month ahead so to all those
folks we are in wedding season we are with you
i'm super excited i've got two weddings to go to next
(32:30):
year but I have been panicking for
the last six weeks because both brides
said oh your invitations are on the way but I
wasn't 100% what the dates were and I
was trying to manifest that they weren't on
the same date but equally inside dying just
in case they were and I've got confirmation they are
(32:53):
literally one week apart okay oh my
god and i was like thank the lord i
do not have to make that difficult right you know
there's some guests who will actually write to the bride and be like uh could
you switch your day because i have a schedule no oh yeah i've heard of it no
way oh serious oh serious it is crazy that and the credit card uh credit card
(33:18):
number on the rc we We need to do an episode on crazy wedding situations.
Oh my God, yes. I see Sarah writing that down. I am.
It will come your way don't you worry beautiful beautiful,
all righty so um what's next for you love well
(33:38):
i'm going to be we're going to be eating some good meat somewhere so that'll
be fun yeah and then go to ask again is that you i know there's pigs meat yeah
alissa would not forgive me if i didn't ask the question i love But you know,
I like to be the sassy one. You're like totally outpacing me today.
(33:58):
You're getting all the double entendres. Yeah. Well, I don't know.
We haven't seen the sassy side for a while.
So I thought I'd just, a little like the hare and the tortoise.
I was just taking the lead for a bit. I love it. I love it. Yes.
I'll be eating meat and figs.
Interpret that however you want. You know. Oh my word. I don't think I can do
any more than that. Good for your heart. It's good for your longevity.
(34:21):
It'll make me be able to commit to 90 years to somebody. Oh,
okay. I think you've lost me.
Well, I wish you all the best with your fake and me. Well, thank you.
Definitely fill me up. No question. And I hope you have a lovely evening.
Oh, thank you. I hope so too. And I hope the sun comes out this weekend. Yeah. Yeah.
(34:46):
Music.
Welcome to Geordie Lass and Doc Sass. One day a Geordie and a Canadian walk
into a bar and decide to start a podcast about relationships and what a topic.
Music.
That is. No subjects are off limits.
Get in touch today with us at geordielass.com or email info at geordielass.com
and let us know what you think and what we should talk about.
(00:24):
Welcome to the podcast. Hello. Hi Sarah. Hello. How's it going?
It's good. It's sundown, which
is very exciting. We're out in a rural area and living the rural life.
I have to say, you look like you are in a very, very gorgeous position right now. Yeah, yeah.
I'm only the tiniest, most gigantist bit jealous.
(00:47):
There is a pretty hot stone house in my background as we're recording,
so pretty excited about that.
Yeah, it looks gorgeous and I wish I was there. Oh, well, a lovely neighbor
just passed by and threw up some figs that he'd collected on his walk.
An elder gentleman, very saucy. So figs are in season.
(01:08):
This country, there's a lot of things that make you crazy about Greece,
but the figs kind of make up for it. So, yeah.
I've got to ask, is that a euphemism for anything?
Totally it's so funny isn't it as though the
as the listener is listening they're like what are we what are we talking about here
yeah no actual fruit figs yeah good
(01:30):
good you're getting your five a day and exactly i thought that only existed
in a glass but anyway you know it's funny i'd never had a fresh fig until last
year ever in my life yeah because they're so expensive in in canada so yeah
it's it's amazing and all the fruit and veg is expensive over there isn't it,
i can't believe people pay like five pounds for a pepper yeah like
(01:52):
that yeah that is crazy some of the things are i
mean you just can't yeah i mean right now we're eating peaches like what that
like the grow here it's insane it's insane yeah i had some nice nectarines the
other day i'm pretty sure they're not as nice as the ones you get that anyway
maybe they've come from here yeah you never know probably yeah how are things going for you,
(02:15):
How is summer? Yeah, what is summer?
Is that the rainy season? Is that what summer is? Are you serious?
Has the rain come back again?
Oh, it's just like completely unreliable, although it's supposed to be gorgeous
at the weekend. So yeah, I'm not going to complain about the weather.
Oh my gosh. I just hope that like your garden furniture, I don't know why I
(02:37):
just, I spend winters thinking about you in the garden.
It is wrecked. I do get out of there as often as I can. but
anyway oh wow so well
let's go to the garden and ask the relationship desk
of love miss correspondent what's going on
okay as we enter
(02:57):
the wedding season i came across a
bit of wedding news that may startle you
okay do tell all right okay
so how would you feel if you got a wedding invitation through
the post and you had to go online
to register to rsvp and along
with that rsvp came a little credit card box where you had to enter your details
(03:21):
to pay for your guest appearance oh wait a minute uh you're not talking about
like here's my registry go and spend
$300 you're talking about to pay for your meal yeah pay for your attendance
here oh no way tell me more yeah what well that was all it said so literally
(03:44):
had no more information than that other than clearly the guests were it did
say the guests were in uproar at being asked to.
Pay their contribution towards this person's wedding
oh my god i have to
say if i wasn't expecting it i'd be
really really surprised now i have
been to weddings in the past where you know the bride and groom
(04:07):
have been on a very tight budget they have said look
we'd really really love you to come to the wedding we are doing a really kind
of low-key event we have you know decided we're going to get married in a registry
office again to kind of keep costs low we're then just going to go to a local
restaurant we're going to have dinner like a kind of you know or lunch,
(04:27):
early dinner type thing.
And I'm sorry, but as funds are tight, you know, we would really appreciate
if you'd cover the cost of your meal.
Oh that one that's lovely yes so that's
different because you're kind of expecting it you have been
given the information up front you're still
told you know look you're really important i want you to come i think
part of this thing for me is the is the delivery mechanism
(04:51):
so if you get an rsvp go to type in
your things and you get presented with a payment box first of
all i'd be thinking is this a scam like totally have i gotten to the wrong no
have i somehow landed on some kind of dodgy website has their website page being
infiltrated I'd be emailing going or texting going oh look just to let you know
I think somebody's hacked your site here yeah yeah.
(05:15):
So I would probably genuinely think it was a mistake if
I wasn't aware that there was some kind of upfront communication
about what to expect right right well
I think it would come as a sharply no absolutely and i think i mean this is
pretty typical of i mean coach around this all the time where people are so
scared of communicating that they will slide things by people kind of like slide
(05:39):
it into their dms because they're terrified to have the conversation up front,
and so i i mean gosh it terrifies me
to think of how much a wedding costs these days like
i don't know but I mean yeah I mean the pricey like
okay and I get that but I also think you
get to choose your you get to
(06:00):
choose your budget and how you want to celebrate it and I think there's a
you know it's like anything there's a there's an occasion for all budgets and
in pockets you know you decide how many people don't want to go where do I want
the venue to be how low key do I want it to be you get to decide all of that
and if you're deciding that you want to go kind of I'm I'm going to go big,
(06:20):
but I'm going to kind of share this course with my guests, then like what control
do your guests have like over...
You know let's say the i don't know let's say the
fee is 200 200 pounds each and you
say well i can't afford that plus the dress
plus the present plus travel all the rest
of it oh my god yeah so then what do you do like do
(06:42):
you say well you know i'd love to celebrate
but i can't afford that budget either you're not in control of
how much the bride and groom are spending or how much
they're asking you to contribute i think that's the thing because
if you fundamentally mentally disagree with the budget of the wedding and
and I like I'm embarrassed to say that I kind
of thought per plate it would be like a hundred per plate I didn't
(07:03):
know it's up to 200 per plate now like that's just
oh I mean I don't know I'm just guessing right no but yeah I
think you're right like I can just see how costs kind
of add up you know it depends what are the bride and groom apportioning to
their guests is it the flowers is it
the rings is it you know the the the hire of the venue like what what is it
(07:24):
I'm paying for yeah that's not in your control as a guy yeah yeah yeah no I
mean I think oh gosh yeah that would come as a major values violation because
if somebody is paying for stuff I'm like I don't actually think that's important I wouldn't.
God yeah can you knock the flowers off for me love because i'm not bothered at all so,
i'll just pay like 50 pounds i was gonna say
(07:46):
oh totally i think johnny she loves flowers so she can probably pay a bit more
than me totally and you know what i love the music at the wedding so i will
pay for the wedding singers or at least a bunch of each of the wedding singing
uh but yeah flowers i don't care they're like an old checklist i like this this
this this and this so So, yeah, pick and mix menu.
Oh, my God. That'll be £80.50 for you. Oh, my God.
(08:09):
That is pick and mix. You could take it to the extreme, couldn't you?
I mean, it's true. And then, oh, my gosh. I think it's also a very,
I'm just thinking about sort of like another cultural context where no way would,
it's just, it is weird. Some of the weird stuff we're doing in the West.
Other cultures wouldn't dream of, you know, shirking their duties in terms of hospitality.
(08:32):
Hospitality like that's just frankly embarrassing thinking about where i
am in greece i don't think any self-respecting person here would
have a credit card number for their for their wedding or
their baptism or any number of celebrations i i
think don't they um pin money to you when you get married in greece oh
that's a very good question i don't know i've never been to a greek wedding i know
that sounds weird yeah i think it's in greece that i pin
(08:53):
money to you and it's a sizeable chunk of money because i
think the kind of history of it is that it's to help you set up your kind of
first family home and get the bride and groom kind of in a good footing for
their wedding together yeah i think you're right i don't know apologies if anybody
is greek and i've just completely fabricated all of that but i think some of it sounds familiar.
(09:16):
It's so funny because i'm like i don't actually know i haven't been to a greek
wedding but i say get on the mission is to find out yeah exactly exactly it's going to try to crash a.
Do is the gift like the bridal registry gift and I'm kind of like okay I guess
you know two or three hundred dollars is kind of the new kind of rate of how
(09:38):
much we're paying these days but I thought the registry was the thing to get,
the couple on their feet and was
kind of paying for my yeah yeah but maybe they don't do that in
greece i don't know oh no but i mean maybe it's
like a different yeah yeah in the west yeah you'd have kind of
like a yeah you'd have a wedding list and yeah yeah
yeah it's just you know what it is i i
(09:59):
think unfortunately and you know with all due respect to these people who
went and thought that that might have been a great idea to
embed a credit card link in their wedding rsvp website but
it is just tacky I'm sorry to say it's just
tacky and you know what no from
Anna yeah it's a hard no but the thing is it's not that I
mind it it's all in the communication it's the
(10:20):
avoidant communication absolutely yeah I mean if you are trying to keep costs
low you know there are options that may be like everyone brings a brings a dish
or and you just have a really lovely kind of you know potluck supper where everyone's
contributes and everyone kind of says He goes, look, I'll do this, I'll do that.
And you do all of that in lieu of getting a present and just make it a magical day.
(10:42):
You know, there are ways to achieve any result that you want to.
I'm not sure this was the right way.
I love it. Yes, correct.
It's so funny. As we're in the Olympics, just coming to the tail end of the
Olympics, I'm thinking, Sarah, I just thought about you.
Like if there were relationship Olympics and you were seeing like the gymnastic equivalent
(11:04):
of the dismount and and if you were a
commentator saying you know i think there
could be a blah blah but that just wasn't the right way i'm like i feel
like we're doing relationship you know gymnast commentator
in the spirit of the olympics we're
like no six out of ten yeah there's
(11:24):
no ring there for you i'm sorry love good god no may
not be quite literally after that what are you absolutely
not getting anywhere near the podium dear that's awesome anyway as fascinating
as that topic is and i could continue but i do feel like we've got another few
things to fit into the podcast today yes let's let's uh are we taking up a hot
(11:46):
topic we most certainly are all right let's go okay.
Music.
Today's hot topic which is bizarrely connected
to the relationship love desk cool okay so let's say that this couple do actually
(12:07):
manage to make it through this wedding and some guests do turn up to celebrate
it today's hot topic is you can say i do but it doesn't mean you can oh god God.
Actually, it's so funny because I actually thought it was going to be,
you can say I do, but it doesn't mean you should.
Ooh, let's do that another day. Oh my God, totally. So actually,
(12:29):
I have to say, for some reason, my brain is so in the rut of like that,
but it doesn't mean you can.
You can say I do, but it doesn't, I don't know if I understand.
It doesn't mean that you can say it,
but you may not be able to hold up to the
promises made in that vow i
would say so yeah so for me yeah
(12:52):
so for what for me what comes up is and we've
we've discussed this before in the podcast where couples who
get married a lot of the time and i think it
happens maybe more so when you're younger and you get married because you
get caught in the whirlwind and kind of instagram tiktok
phase of life you can tell my daughter's back from you totally it's
(13:12):
all about tiktok now oh yeah so yeah
the whole kind of social media spirit where it's all about the
ring the dress the decorations the tables the
place that ends the what else
does it have like the name board that tells you where you're sitting you know
all the little lovely fancy touches that we seem
to invent more and more ways of kind of
(13:34):
being elaborate at weddings yeah and the focus is 100% on getting to that day
and probably the honeymoon to some extent you know and that is 100% the focus
the focus isn't really on how do we
get through the next 60 70 80 90 years together I love 90 years together.
(13:55):
It's still possible with some weird life
suppressing jokes well there are bros in
in silicon valley who are trying to work on this very thing so i
know i know hey listen i'm sure it's
going to come our way whether in our lifetime i'm not too sure
absolutely absolutely and and truly like over
the last 50 60 years we are living together so
(14:17):
much longer and that's why our divorce rates are so much
higher so yeah i mean
gosh and it's something we talk about a lot we've we really
have experienced this like the relationship like
monogamous union with another
person is just a marathon like a long marathon or like an iron man or three
(14:37):
iron mans yeah but i'd really wonder like how many people if you asked them
on the day of your wedding what you know what's your kind of primary thought is it really truly about.
Spending the rest of your life with this person and really making it
work and digging deep at the times that you need to and
celebrating all the beautiful things that come with it so don't
(15:00):
you know it's not all kind of doom and gloom although we seem to focus
on the doom a little bit you know is it is
that at the forefront of your mind I am saying I
do and I am going to make this work come hell
or high water or is it
the kind of whimsical lovely kind of beautiful beautiful
romantic thoughts of oh this is just my best
(15:21):
person well the latter obviously yeah
yeah and you should feel
like that on your wedding day you should but I'm just
wondering at which point do you factor in this kind of how do I put plans in
place how do I deal with the tough times when they come my way how do I voice
(15:41):
my concerns when I'm kind of feeling like we're in a tricky situation instead
of doing some of the other self self-sabotaging behaviors that we can do.
How do I kind of be the best partner that I can be and how do I bring out the
best of my partner like at what point do we actually sit focus on that is it
pre-wedding is it six months after you've got married is it three months down
(16:07):
the line is it 10 years down the line like Like,
when do we factor that in and when do we kind of, I guess,
repeat that process to keep re-centering on what the goal is?
You know, if you think, I was reading something about kind of,
you know, in a corporate setting, a corporate culture, people will go and have
(16:27):
like quarterly planning sessions.
They will have annual reviews of how things are going.
They will set out their goals for the next two or three years.
They will look at strategies to help them implement them and help them actually achieve those goals and.
We don't do anywhere near as much thinking about relationship.
We just go, oh, yeah, there's some people who do lovely. We love each other.
(16:49):
And it's quite hot. Like, yeah, it seems like, you know, he's come from a good pedigree.
Let's go for it. Oh, my God, totally. And, you know, it's so funny.
There are certainly some companies overdoing it these days with their,
like, calibrations and mid-years.
So as much as a lot of folks are rightfully throwing shade on some of the crazy
(17:11):
calibration and performance evaluation processes, it's amazing how the process of hiring people,
keeping people and promoting people in a company is done with such scientific
rigor and also performance improvement plans and coaching plans and so forth.
So when there are folks who are having performance struggles,
(17:32):
and, you know, communication comes up in that too, that they're actively coached
to be able to perform at a, you know, to be able to increase their skills.
And like marriage, there's nothing.
Although, you know, shout out for the old, you know, a lot of the conventional
religious programs that have marriage preparation courses.
(17:53):
And that's like the best we get. and it
is actually pretty good although i'll say from the religion
i came from it's delivered by people who are
celibate don't get married but that's a whole other so that's
but that's the best tell you how to live your life the fountain of all knowledge
oh yeah i think it's just a really interesting parallel to draw isn't it in
(18:18):
terms of kind of what we do when we're at work and kind of how we form relationships,
how we bring people into our teams to work closely with and just how vastly
different that is from kind of, you know, the old days when you go down the
club, pull somebody for the night and, you know, six months later,
you're moving in with them. Oh my God.
(18:38):
Which I'm sure still happens today. Yeah. And sometimes those marriages actually
work out, but most of the time.
Yeah, yeah. So what would you recommend in this day and age of where people,
their biggest concerns are the table arrangements and some fancy kind of new
age Instagram theme or trend?
(18:58):
How do you bring it back to the basics? I think
you know it's great to have those things and I'm not kind of poopooing
them at all it's great to have lovely things to celebrate to
everyone loves a party right they love party planning the
part of the excitement and the anticipation is in
the kind of happiness that is brought about by the event comes from that
planning so we get greater joy often from the
(19:21):
anticipation of an event than we do from
the kind of overall event and then equally we get
you know happiness that is generated as we
look back on the event so that whole kind
of if we look at that in totality from the kind of pre-planning the
actual event itself and then the post um kind
of romantic review of it all we get a great experience
(19:42):
from that and it brings us great joy and happiness so i'm not saying
that we shouldn't do that we absolutely should be celebrating it and
it is you know we are entering into a marriage that
ideally we're going to enter into for life because that's what
we're signing up to and it's so it's important to
have kind of a start that you're happy with and you want to be able to celebrate
that moment because it's a momentous occasion so I'm
(20:03):
not saying we shouldn't do that what I am saying is that we should have something
alongside that that helps set us up for success in that marriage and I think
that's the bit that we're missing so if you go back to some of those kind of
premarital courses that you mentioned in there that's what they are aiming to
do is to make you think about some of the things that you haven't really thought about before.
You know, it's rumoured that Kate and Will did do the IPEC.
(20:31):
You're kidding what's it called a
code training program or the energy no no the
energy so it's rumored yeah so it's rumored that
kate and will actually took the energy assessment from
ipec our training school and they did
that before they got married now i don't know how true
it is it's something i heard on my training but that
(20:51):
kind of you know actually kind of says
to me they were really serious about kind of understanding
each other in more detail i don't know whether they
took any coaching around that as well to kind of set them up for
success but I do think you get out with anything
what you put into it and if we're not putting the right ingredients
in we're never going to bake the cake in the right way you've
(21:11):
got it and I'll add to that you know
there's a lot of people who ignore red flags and just hope they'll
go away and like if you were doing like
due diligence to on a merger or an acquisition
you would find red flags and probably convince the board
not to go ahead with the merger right but it's amazing
how we'll still march to the aisle even though
(21:32):
there's glaring red flags i will say not only have a conversation with your
spouse or do some collaborative assessments like the eli assessment but also
have a good conversation with yourself and i know it's scary you know call something
off but divorce is a lot scarier i I mean, listen,
both of us have done it. We're both standing.
(21:54):
But, you know, just be nice not to have to do that again. You know. Yes, indeed. Indeed.
So, yeah. Yeah. I think it's a fascinating topic, though, isn't it?
And I think just that phrase itself can make you think about,
actually, what am I doing?
And even if you're married already or you're in a relationship,
think about that kind of longevity.
(22:15):
What are you willing and able to put in to make sure that that relationship
is a success now and into the future yes and i think that's what the question
really kind of makes me think about okay that's a spicy one it is indeed we
are getting you there today,
(22:36):
so is it time for a question yeah let's go.
Music.
My partner and I have very different love languages. I prefer physical touch
while they value acts of service.
How can we bridge this?
(22:56):
Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh. It's funny when I coach couples and we tend to show
our love in our love language. Yeah.
And we don't often stop to think, wait a minute, am I speaking in my love language
or am I speaking in the language that somebody else understands?
Again, if I'm speaking English and somebody is speaking Greek,
(23:17):
I can speak English till the cows come home.
But the person speaking Greek will not receive my messages.
I've got to learn to speak Greek. So we know that it's speaking languages,
but it's the love languages.
And people will even do the five love languages test and they'll know what those are.
So that's my takeaway. It's like we just fundamentally don't understand.
(23:41):
All of us are very selfish. I'm very selfish, right? why
would i give gifts if i don't value gifts i would find
that very painful but the other person is
is feeling like the oxygen leaving the
room they're not feeling cared for if i don't if i'm
not speaking what really resonates with them so yeah
what's coming up for you well there's two things for me
(24:03):
the first thing that really stood out is the last
part of the question how do i I bridge the gap oh there
isn't a gap right you just like different things there's not
a gap to bridge in my opinion so so
for me it is about more how do
I learn to give something that my partner is
open to receiving when it isn't something that
(24:26):
comes naturally or isn't inherent in me
and I think that's a fundamental difference I think
the love language is kind of it links to
kind of the values it's what you like to experience
in life it's you know you wouldn't say you know
I need to well I guess it is a bit like values right how do I act in a way that's
(24:46):
in a in accordance with my partner's values when it's not something that's inherent
in me wow yes and I think the same exists for love languages so if your love
language is act of service and your partner's isn't.
They're not naturally going to think about just doing nice things for you that
are going to bring you joy and happiness.
(25:07):
Because it's just not ingrained in them. If their love language is physical touch,
they are naturally just going to come up at any available opportunity,
come for a hug, lean in, give you a kiss, stroke your hand, because that's just
how they show affection, because that's how they would like to receive it.
Correct. But they're not going to get bread from the bakery when really what
(25:28):
you're wanting is like, could you pick up the dry cleaning?
Could Could you, you know, empty the dishwasher or whatever that is.
Film a song with Rachel, please, because I hate doing it.
Oh, yeah, totally, totally. I did hear recently, and it's so true,
is the love languages will often be something, when we crave something,
we will often have had that neglected in our home of origin.
(25:50):
So, you know, there can be some, yeah, so
like if words of affirmation are really important
to us because we had a very cold parent who didn't
give us a lot of affirmation or tell us that we were great
you know so you know you could probably look at
your love languages and say maybe those were things that were missing and you
know it is what it is right but there still are our love language yeah yeah
(26:13):
yeah wow so there is no gap you're right and it's it's funny because very rarely
i've never met a couple where their love languages were matched yeah they're
often they They are often different, aren't they?
I think for me, it comes down to changing some habitual behavior.
And old habits are hard to break, even if they're good habits, right?
(26:34):
So, you know, a good habit might be I've kind of done these lovely things for
you. I've made you some lunch.
I've, you know, driven five miles out my way to get something that I know you
really like or whatever it is.
It's about kind of trying to break that habit, or maybe not fully break it.
Some of those things are nice to do, right?
But how do we introduce some new habits that actually do address the other person's love language?
(26:59):
So if it is physical touch, if it is words of affirmation, how do I bring that
in in a bit more habitual way until it just becomes an unconscious habit that I do more of?
But here's where again our sort of
weird renaissance romance expectations get
us in trouble because we think that somebody should just do
(27:20):
things because they just feel the urge or the love
drives them if it ain't your love language you're not
going to remember there's no love that's going to drive
you to words of affirmation so
schedule it like use your calendar and schedule
an event three times a week three times a
day two times a day whatever it is just a little reminder
(27:41):
of like do that thing until it starts
to become a bit more and you know hopefully some positive feedback
right when you see your person just light up
because they're finally understanding that you
love them then you're you know they're getting that message in the bottle that
you love them then you'll that will feel great and that will reinforce the giving
(28:03):
yeah and it creates new neural pathways in your brain so when you do some of
the nines for somebody else and you can start to do that on kind of repeat and
as you say you get that positive.
Reaction or affirmation back that creates
something in your brain that lights up it's like a
neural pathway and it kind of triggers something in your brain and your
(28:23):
brain goes oh i quite like that because the brain doesn't really understand
what's going it just knows whether it likes something or doesn't do i need to
protect you from this or do i celebrate it to you know is this giving me a dopamine
hit or is it not yeah and yeah and so you create that pathway so whilst in the
beginning it might seem quite kind of.
Diarized or kind of forced but it
(28:45):
will become a natural habit over time you will naturally become
better at saying I love you you will naturally
come better at saying could you look really nice today or do you know what I
was I was really kind of admired the way you handled such and such that will
just start to become like a natural thing because you will have practiced it
a little bit and you will have created this this neural pathway that says actually we'll both get joy
(29:10):
and pleasure from this so why would i not do it yeah no
i agree there is something it is hard
to because a lot of words of affirmation can go unspoken they're in our head
we think it and it's that thing of like when you feel something say something
when you think something say something and just bringing it out of your mouth
(29:33):
it can just do a world of difference with with your relationship.
So many people we coach where one partner feels really emotionally neglected.
They just don't get that emotional love from their partner, for example.
And again, others, physical touch, big one. So, yeah.
We did a great episode on feel it, think it, say it, which you can go back to and listen to.
(29:57):
Yes, good treasure. Thank you for the past history there. There are some good
gems on there for sure. Yes. Always worth a re-listen.
Yeah. So what would bring us out with a kind of a final comment on that, if you will?
So my final comment would be, you know, we talk a lot about kind of awareness, acceptance, choice.
So my final comment is you're aware of this now.
(30:19):
You, for whatever reason, this has become part of, you know,
it's coming to your psyche, you're thinking, actually, this is something I need to maybe consider.
I accept that we've got a different love language, you know, you know, accept that.
And then we move into action so then it's about saying okay what can i do about
this what choices do i make how do i change some of my behavior to get more
(30:44):
of this into our relationship that is going to strengthen our bond and connection nice.
This is mandatory preliminary reading, an action item, homework,
before you go to the aisle and say, I do.
This will give you a better chance of being able to say, I can.
(31:05):
Yeah, it's all in the mix, for sure. Right on.
So, well, what's on for the rest of the day, the rest of the week,
the weekend that's going to be more beautiful?
Well, I just have to applaud you and me for getting through that session because
nobody else will know by the time that this podcast is edited.
(31:25):
I am pretty good at editing.
Anna is an amazing editor and she's going to manage to edit out a guy with a
microphone talking to dogs. Loud speaking.
No, it was the guy with the loudspeakers attached to his car and the dogs were
barking and chasing the car.
I have to say we've recorded in some crazy times that has got to top the post
(31:48):
for me remember me recordings in the hostel and the doors i literally think it's on top of it.
I think just for fun i'm just gonna well i think
i don't think i'll be able to avoid it i think i'll have to be at least one loud
speaker of some guy announcing some party in
the next in the next town yeah don't worry
(32:09):
it wasn't announced in the shutdown of the podcast we will be
here next week oh we're going to be here next week totally i
mean there's so much need for all
those folks going to walk the aisle and make a
big commitment in this month ahead so to all those
folks we are in wedding season we are with you
i'm super excited i've got two weddings to go to next
(32:30):
year but I have been panicking for
the last six weeks because both brides
said oh your invitations are on the way but I
wasn't 100% what the dates were and I
was trying to manifest that they weren't on
the same date but equally inside dying just
in case they were and I've got confirmation they are
(32:53):
literally one week apart okay oh my
god and i was like thank the lord i
do not have to make that difficult right you know
there's some guests who will actually write to the bride and be like uh could
you switch your day because i have a schedule no oh yeah i've heard of it no
way oh serious oh serious it is crazy that and the credit card uh credit card
(33:18):
number on the rc we We need to do an episode on crazy wedding situations.
Oh my God, yes. I see Sarah writing that down. I am.
It will come your way don't you worry beautiful beautiful,
all righty so um what's next for you love well
(33:38):
i'm going to be we're going to be eating some good meat somewhere so that'll
be fun yeah and then go to ask again is that you i know there's pigs meat yeah
alissa would not forgive me if i didn't ask the question i love But you know,
I like to be the sassy one. You're like totally outpacing me today.
(33:58):
You're getting all the double entendres. Yeah. Well, I don't know.
We haven't seen the sassy side for a while.
So I thought I'd just, a little like the hare and the tortoise.
I was just taking the lead for a bit. I love it. I love it. Yes.
I'll be eating meat and figs.
Interpret that however you want. You know. Oh my word. I don't think I can do
any more than that. Good for your heart. It's good for your longevity.
(34:21):
It'll make me be able to commit to 90 years to somebody. Oh,
okay. I think you've lost me.
Well, I wish you all the best with your fake and me. Well, thank you.
Definitely fill me up. No question. And I hope you have a lovely evening.
Oh, thank you. I hope so too. And I hope the sun comes out this weekend. Yeah. Yeah.
(34:46):
Music.
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