September 12, 2024 • 43 mins
Welcome to another episode of Geordie Lass and Doc Sass!
Join us as we start with tales of an unforgettable Adele concert in Munich, complete with custom-built stages and magical moments that left us in awe.
Love Desk: Do opposites really attract
We debunk the myth that opposites attract and explore how shared values and interests are crucial for long-term romance. Find out why aligning on the big ticket items can make all the difference in a relationship.
Hot Topic - Why Love Isn't Enough
We discuss how love, while essential, needs to be paired with grit, determination, and shared goals to sustain a long-term relationship. Learn why being the best partner you can be is the secret to successful relationships.
Question - "My partner of 2 years wants to move in together, but I'm not sure I'm ready. We spend most nights together anyway. How do I approach this conversation?"
Moving in together after two years of dating. How do you approach the conversation when you're not sure you're ready? Tune in for our advice on balancing independence and commitment, and the importance of open communication.
Visit us at geordielass.com or email us at info@geordielass.com with your thoughts and topic suggestions. Happy listening!
Till next time
Sara Liddle
Email: info@inflori.co.uk
Website: www.inflori.co.uk
Relationship Reset: www.inflori.co.uk/reset
Anna Stratis
Email: coachdocanna@gmail.com
Website: www.coachdocanna.com
Website: www.inflori.co.uk
Relationship Reset: www.inflori.co.uk/reset
Anna Stratis
Email: coachdocanna@gmail.com
Website: www.coachdocanna.com
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
Welcome to Geordie Lass and Doc Sass. One day a Geordie and a Canadian walk
into a bar and decide to start a podcast about relationships and what a topic that is.
Music.
No subjects are off limits, get in touch today with us at geordielass.com or
email info at geordielass.com and let us know what you think and what we should talk about.
(00:24):
Oh welcome to the podcast. Welcome. Oh
yeah slightly croaky intro there i'm not sure
what's happening getting the frogs out of the throat i know i
know absolutely yes need to warm up my vocal cords
this morning well we were talking about warming up
vocal cords and whose vocal cords were like amazingly on
point well yes adele's vocal cords were very much on point this weekend when
(00:50):
we went to see her in munich oh my gosh oh my gosh she's just unreal unreal
and the stadium like this whole stadium was custom built for her.
And it was just phenomenal serious kind
of like a curvy sort of stage and then
on either side of the stage it had these kind of
(01:11):
pillars there weren't real pillows pillars even can't
speak very well but that's where all the kind
of the movies the images and stuff were all projected it
there's one song right at the very end where it turned
those pillars into two lighthouses oh
my gosh like oh my god that is just unreal
really like real life lighthouses oh
(01:33):
my gosh oh that's incredible just the whole
thing like every song she sang was just note
perfect just lovely she had a good little chat
in between it was just great wow and
some people got engaged there there was one particular song
apparently it's kind of i can't remember which one it was now actually
that a lot of people get engaged to apparently really she
(01:54):
said if anybody in the audience gets engaged during this song just get your
kind of torches on the light and just kind of and then we'll know that you have
you know popped the question oh my gosh oh yeah oh that's awesome yeah it was
so good so good really really enjoyed it was great weekend actually from start to finish,
other than the kind of early starts that we needed to do to the joys of living
(02:17):
on an island where you have to have an island to then fly somewhere else.
Yeah, yeah, absolutely.
Yeah, no, it was well worth it. It was great. Oh, beautiful, beautiful.
What an incredible voice. And oh, she just, yes, it was. It was just beautiful, magical.
I'm very lucky. I'm feeling very blessed and grateful that I was able to have that opportunity to go.
(02:39):
Oh, I love it. But we should have her on our podcast.
She sings about. I would love her to come on. Oh, my gosh. The range of emotions
that we experience in relationships.
She sings about it. Oh, my God. Yes. Yeah.
And you feel it like in a music, like it's just, yeah.
Oh, the anthems of love and loss. Yes, indeed.
(03:01):
I may have shed a tear or two during that. Oh, I would have been bawling. Yeah. Gosh.
Wow. But yeah, no, it was really, really good. Wow.
Wow. So did the Relationship Desk of Love have their international correspondent from Munich?
Anything that you're reporting on today?
Well, the Relationship Desk of Love was panicking slightly before we came on
(03:24):
air, but I've got one for you. Nice. Awesome. Awesome.
Okay. So today's Love Desk news.
Studies have confirmed that love is more likely to flourish with similarities
in values and interests, challenging the myth that opposites attract in long-term romance.
This is so true. This is so true.
(03:46):
Tell us more. yeah so it goes on so it
says why don't opposites attract in the long run this study
suggests that while differences may spark initial intrigue
they often lead to challenges in understanding values and life goals over time
in contrast couples with aligned interests values and attitudes navigate life
(04:07):
with a shared vision experiencing deeper satisfaction and a stronger more resistant connection.
So it says this isn't just about liking the same movies or hobbies,
it's about how similar world views and mutual respect for each other's core
beliefs create room for love to grow and thrive.
So it says it's the shared laughter, the common goals and the mutual support
(04:31):
in times of challenge that truly define the essence of lasting love.
Yeah oh my gosh yes yes yeah I
read it and I was like oh my god this is so true like
so true it describes my like me in
my 40s as opposed to me in my 20s like right there
right like in our 20s or whatever we're like oh my
(04:51):
god opposites attract the same car as me oh my
god and then and that's my favorite band no
totally we both love I love sushi too
oh my god I no totally now
i'm like let's have a deeper meaningful about everything that's
great about our relationship yeah let's talk
(05:11):
about how we can support each other better let's kind of
financially plan for the future and get our goals sorted
yeah totally yeah yep where do
you stand on the big things the money children parenting
taking care of our parents did i
say finances did i say sex important yeah
totally all the things yeah where are
(05:33):
you just down on the big ticker items for sure it's so
true and so many people don't even kind of think about
it or discuss it when i was away i had kind of a bit of a thought about a kind
of extension to kind of some of the work that we do in terms of coaching like
one-on-one coaching and i thought it would be really really cool to do is kind
of run workshops for couples around goal setting for their relationship like
(05:57):
Like how cool would that be?
And it is so hard to do it alone as a couple. It would be so great to have an
art, like a moderator there.
Yes. Oh, wow. Yeah, that was my new little brainwave at the weekend.
Yes, please. Because I haven't got enough to do.
Sounds a little busy on your plate, but you know what? They say when you want
something done, give it to a busy person. So well, yes, yes.
(06:20):
Ain't that the truth? This sounds great.
Awesome. So yes. Yes. So you have it here from good authority and this study,
get clear on your big ticket items,
understand your values, share some of those deep and meaningful conversations
if you want your relationship to flourish in the long term.
Yeah, I agree with you. And I'd say learn from your lessons of the past because
(06:43):
we generally have maybe a serious relationship, maybe a marriage where we maybe
had to learn those lessons the hard way.
And it's a great idea or it's a great opportunity to have a reinvention and
may your next relationship incorporate all these learnings and you're like deep
dive to the values asap yeah definitely definitely nice good right now we're
(07:06):
warmed up should we take a hot topic.
Music.
Okay, so today's hot topic, why love isn't enough. Oh my god, yes.
(07:29):
Well, for all the reasons we just mentioned in the love desk.
Oh, again, 20s, love is all you need. Oh my gosh, you know, I miss that person who believed that.
And I don't want to rain on any parades. If there's somebody who's in their
20s who's listening, or if they're in their first serious relationship,
I do not want to take away the first blush of love.
(07:50):
But for those people who have been through a serious relationship or two,
love is a beautiful thing. Love remains a beautiful thing.
It is a necessary but not sufficient part of a long term relationship, though.
So tell me what comes up for you when you hear this.
So I think, you know, like you say, when we're young, we kind of thought love
(08:12):
was just about the kind of that gushy kind of feeling,
the butterflies in the stomach and that kind of, you know, rush of adrenaline
and excitement when you're about to kind of, you know, meet your partner or,
you know, hang out with them and stuff.
I think we kind of that's what we associate
love with is that kind of feeling of of kind
(08:32):
of being in love and feeling loved for me
I think it is it is deeper than that the connection needs to be deeper than
that if you are going to have a long-term relationship and you know not all
relationships are built to last some are built for the moment and that's okay
too you can have that experience and then say actually you know it's maybe not
right for us to continue and that's it's okay.
(08:54):
But if we are actively wanting to cultivate and create a long lasting love with
our partner, for me, I think it really comes down to how do you form that connection and that bond?
How do you trust each other enough to, I guess, kind of hold each other's hearts?
Oh, I like that. Because you are, you're putting your trust in somebody else to actually take care of
(09:19):
your heart and your feelings and not to
kind of like you know trample all over that because in order
to have a long lasting love we need to be able to
be kind of vulnerable we need to be able to say things like you know today's
just not a good day for me you know I'd really like some support or things like
I'm really worried about the future you know can we have a discussion about
(09:41):
that or having kind of more deep and meaningful conversations about kind of you know the the
whys and wherefores of the world and kind of, you know, how do we interpret
some of the things that are going on and be able to have some of those discussions.
It's about being able to say, yeah,
I don't really understand that you've kind of shared something,
but I don't kind of understand what that means.
(10:03):
Or maybe you see something on the news and you're not quite up to date with
that kind of, you know, part of, you know, the kind of world or whatever.
And you, it's been vulnerable enough to say, I don't really understand this.
Can you explain it? Or, you know, maybe your finances or anything.
It's about being able to be a hundred percent
kind of authentic and feel safe
(10:24):
and the knowledge that that person isn't going to kind of use any
of that against you oh no it's
about supporting each other it's i could go on and on it's
really hard to describe and i think this is the problem that we have with love isn't
it if you ask kind of 100 people what their version of love is and what it means
to them they'll probably all come up with slightly different answers and it's
(10:47):
quite people really struggle to articulate what love actually is But I really
feel like it's in the everyday actions.
It's in the things that we do to support each other and to really feel connected
and bonded to another person. Yeah, absolutely.
Wow. It's not as, you know, the thing that comes to me is we can't make a 90 minute film on this.
(11:11):
No no it's i know it's
just not possible is it i mean yeah god we've been
writing about love for years we've been singing about love
been creating movies about love it's something that is so in it's part of our
kind of everyday fabric it's part of who we are as human beings we were designed
to connect and to be loved and and to love each other that's that's just in
(11:35):
our genetic makeup isn't it.
Yeah, and I think that there's, I mean, it's not all boring and values and mission statements.
I think that love, if I think about, I think it is fed from this well that remains
from those early days, this well of excitement to be around each other, that adoration. Yeah.
(11:58):
And when that well completely dries out, then it's a real, then the chances
are looking pretty slim that you can kind of get through a lot of the hard times.
I feel like there's, if you can keep access to this well that can kind of bring
up a little bit of that fresh water that can infuse a difficult day,
a difficult period, a challenging situation,
(12:20):
that always inspires you to step around yourself and actually give something
that the other person is needing,
even if you don't feel like it.
But yeah, there's a lot of this, like, you know, you got to do it even if you don't feel like it.
It's, you know, it's the adulting of going to work. It's the adulting of keeping a relationship fresh.
(12:44):
Sometimes you just have to dig deeper. I do think kind of nowadays it's too
easy just to give up on things and to, you know, live in this kind of moment
and things are kind of easy come, easy go.
We live in a you know a world the majority of us where we're full of abundance there's so much.
Kind of chance to get kind of access to almost
(13:06):
anything you want really because of that
we almost kind of treat relationships in the same
vein you know yeah you know i can pick up an app
and i can kind of find somebody else i can find a replacement i
think there's not enough of really kind of digging deep
of really kind of you know getting into that kind
of grit and determination you know comes back to i talk
(13:27):
a lot about commitment you know if we are 100 committed
to each other and to our relationship we will
do whatever it takes to make this relationship work
oh wow yeah yeah i couldn't agree with you more kind of speechless here there's
so much going through my head yeah so i mean when we say love is not enough
love is still necessary but there needs to be grit and determination the other
(13:51):
thing too and i was just speaking about this yesterday,
is it can be hard for those of us who did not have healthy relationship modeled
to us in our home of origin.
A lot of this we kind of have to invent on the fly or find other mentors and
other teachers to teach us how to dig deep and how to do the hard work when you don't feel like it.
So some of it is things like love languages, speaking to each other in the way
(14:14):
that we can actually hear and receive love.
But no, definitely beyond the the surface. It's shared values,
shared mission, having something or a suite of things that you're working towards together.
Something that I've been kind of mulling over and thinking about kind of recently
is around this thought that if we, you know, a lot of the time we're kind of
(14:34):
worried, aren't we, about kind of, you know, what's going to happen in the future,
how things are, will, you know, will we work, will we not work?
When we're going through kind of turbulent times in a relationship,
we have all of these kind of, you know, the story train is kind of running at
full steam and it seems impossible to stop it.
But I think a bit of a kind of counter to
(14:54):
that is rather than kind of worrying about what might
happen tomorrow or six months or 12 months time if
we solely focus on being the
best possible partner that we can be regardless of
what our partners do if we can focus on being the
best possible partner that we can be and show up kind of you
know I don't want to say daily because it's just not possible we're not
(15:16):
always kind of there but the majority of the
time fully show up for our partners and think
and actively think about what can I do to make this life better for my partner
and if we focus just on that instead of all the other shenanigans that go on
or well he or she hasn't done that why should I do it you know we'll take away all of that and just say.
(15:40):
If I'm it's a bit like you know when you're a parent you say I'm going to be
the best mother that I can possibly be what would I be doing what would that look like you know if we
do the same thing in relationships and say you know I want to be the best wife
I want to be the best partner I want to be the best husband that I can be what
does that look like for me how do I do that and how do I then kind of demonstrate
the love that I want to give to my partner wow yeah
(16:04):
like wouldn't the world be a such a better place if everybody did that it would
it would and some may say yeah but that's unfair if I'm not receiving if I'm
if my cup is not full how am I expected to
fill somebody else's cup and I get it like yeah you know there's any days if
you were to tell me that on Sundays I'm like oh my god serious do I have to
get out I'm like no I refuse I'm gonna throw a tantrum yeah and and I get it
(16:30):
and and you're right it's simple but it's not easy so.
And I'm yeah you know I'm not saying you can do it 100% of you know all day
every day but if we do it in the majority of cases and I do believe that if
it's the right relationship and it's meant to
kind of, you know, if it's meant to be and your partner kind of sees you showing
up differently, even if they're not initially.
And we know because of the kind of negative dance, it can take a little while
(16:52):
to kind of work through some of those patterns and start to eradicate them from
your relationship. But it is possible.
And then the more you just say, right, okay, I'm just going to do it.
I'm going to commit to, whether you say, look, I'm going to commit for three
months, six months, 12 months, and I'm just going to show up as the best person
that I can be, more supportive partner and see what happens.
(17:12):
And at the end of the day, like, what have you got to lose in that situation?
Because you'll be a happier person because of it.
Yep. Yeah. I mean, all you have to lose is perhaps some pride.
And again, we value that far too much.
Maybe some effort, you know, maybe some energy. Sure. You know what?
Energy is expensive and energy is a limited resource. So I get that too.
(17:32):
But truly speaking, it's a really interesting thing to venture
out and give your partner
or what the relationship is needing at that moment and just see their
reaction it's it is hard though you know sometimes when
resentment has set in it takes a while to thaw the ice and
there's no question I get it I do really
get that but I think that the energy that's needed for resentment is way more
(17:58):
than the energy that's needed for love yes you know how they say like you take
takes more muscles to muscles to frown there there's to smile it is to smile
yeah and and And it's true.
But, you know, human beings, we are used to, we are programmed to look at the negative. It is true.
Yeah. But, you know, at some stage, you have to try and override that.
Yeah, that's true. Because we're also designed to, I don't know,
(18:22):
do a bunch of other caveman stuff and doesn't serve us in the modern civilized world.
So we might as well look at other patterns that may need a refresh. Very true.
Indeed. do it oh okay more adulting i'm
in for it i'm here for it i was just having
a conversation this morning about adulting and how yeah how
(18:42):
it's it's difficult sometimes just not fair people it's just not fair i you
know again wouldn't it be nice if we had tremendous regard or reward from serial
monogamous relationships if that's our thing it would be nice like if it were so
rewarding I think all of us would be doing that but there is something about
(19:02):
us that for many of us I'll say we desire and probably the people who are listening to our podcast.
I'm hearing you and I think that you are here because
you want to unlock the secret of being able to do
the marathon of a long-term relationship there is a certain reward
so all right might as
well stick in and I think take things one step at
(19:24):
a time as well like I think we do get kind of quite
overwhelmed don't we by all the things that need to be done or kind of all consumed
with worry and things like that and really is just one day at a time that's
all we've got yeah you've got it yeah all right should we take a question yeah
let's go and take a question.
(19:45):
Music.
Partner of two years wants to move in together but i'm
not sure i'm ready we spend most nights together anyway
how do i approach this conversation aha good
i'm like how do you approach the conversation it's interesting because
(20:07):
i think what i there's a lot going through my
head and i am stuck behind the and
i admit to the stereotypical
two years and you haven't sorted your stuff
out what's wrong with you i just find myself that's where i go
i'm a coach but i still i'm like it's two
years you know what what other
(20:28):
information are you needing but but no
let's take a little broader step out and and you know there's people who live
together don't live together or in a relationship without formalities like marriage
or cohabitation for many many years and and so long as it's okay with both people
and there's open communication it can be wonderful i don't know about you.
(20:48):
I actually love having my own apartment.
It feels really great. It feels great to have the freedom to have one's own place to retreat to.
So I love the fact that this person has been approached by their partner who's
asking, hey, what are we waiting for?
And they are interested in how do I approach this conversation?
So I love this. I'm here for it. What are you thinking?
(21:10):
Well, as somebody who took seven years to move in with a boy,
I can definitely say,
I liked my own space yeah but when
I kind of you know what we're actually two years
in gosh in 10 days we'll have lived together
for two years wow is it that are you
serious it literally feels like oh my god you just
(21:32):
looked at the day there I'm like oh yeah oh wow wow
I was surrounded by boxes this time two years ago oh wow
amazing okay yeah so yeah
it's like you know we took a long time as as we kind of know and
then there was definitely a bit of kind of hesitation even when
we were moving in together and then when we did move in
together there was still kind of some you know ups and
(21:53):
downs have we made the right decision all of those things that
kind of happen I would say now kind of you know
approaching our two-year moving in anniversary we are just so much more settled
and we are delighted that we moved in together and think it was the you know
the best decision and the right move for us but that said you know we did take
(22:13):
seven years to get there so I think two years you know you're a bit of an amateur really.
You've got a much longer probation period to go than that. How do you think
it if you have done this before versus you've never done it before do you think that,
we might be inclined to slow things down because we've been there before and
(22:34):
we know the perils of rushing in too quickly?
Possibly. I mean, for us, it was very much connected to children and,
you know, wanting to make sure that it was the right time and the right move
and those sorts of things.
So we, that, you know, was kind of one of our biggest challenges.
Had we have been in our 20s, say, then
with no other kind of commitments and then I
(22:57):
dare say it might have happened quicker I don't know you know who
knows it's impossible isn't it to kind of to recreate
or understand and I guess
that's what I would say as well maybe for the person writing in kind
of like what is their situation I'd want to kind of explore that a
little bit more as you say have they lived with somebody
before and it didn't work out or have they always had
(23:18):
their own space and therefore they're feeling kind of a little
bit hesitant about how that would work about whether they kind
of you know can live together kind of quite happily
I think it's one thing kind of having you know
sleepovers pretty much every night versus actually
I've still got my space and kind of
you've got yours and you know we do kind of
(23:39):
spend the majority of time together but that kind
of step to actually say we want to move in together is
is different I think it is a big step and I think it does need
careful consideration the more
practical side of me would say well
what's the point of wasting kind of two rents two mortgages whatever
it is like why would you kind of spend all of
(24:00):
that but you know again it is just kind of like a it's a life choice isn't it
and some people might say you're more than happy to carry on paying for two
different properties and an expense app because the having my own kind of space
and freedom is more important to me than the money side of it.
Yep, and it's a very valid, very valid balance for sure.
(24:22):
One of the things that as you, if you find yourself hesitating and again,
always ask yourself the same question multiple times so that you don't sort
of come up with the most easy answer that you've been trying to tell yourself.
I have encountered people on the waiting side. And by that, I mean the side
that's waiting for their partner to make a decision.
(24:42):
And when they've asked their partner, okay, what's the holdup?
Why aren't we moving in? Why aren't we taking our relationship to the next level?
There's often kind of, well, I need to see this from you, or I need to see this
from our relationship first.
And there's often a moving goalpost situation where it's like today it's one
thing and then then it's another.
What I will say is, reluctance to move in can often be, or reluctance to get
(25:06):
married, for example, if that's the choice that is to be made,
it can be red flags coming up that are not well articulated,
or certain expectations that have not been well communicated.
Like, there's this hope that you're going to change somebody or that somebody is going to change.
And, you know, perhaps your partner is waiting for you to do the housework better,
(25:28):
be a cleaner person, demonstrate that you have more responsibility,
demonstrate that you may be a very responsible partner, whatever it is.
And that's not fair for there to be moving goalposts and for you to be in a
relationship where your partner's like, yeah, you haven't crossed the line of acceptability yet.
(25:48):
Like you don't yet, you know, you don't yet, you're not yet eligible
for approval of of this relationship that does
happen and I think it's if
somebody is waiting for certain things to be fulfilled you
know I think it's time to have a serious talk about this relationship that's
very conditional yeah and that's you know we talked before about kind of you
(26:10):
know why love isn't enough like and you know kind of we describe kind of what
love really is love really is that kind of unconditional kind of no no judgment it is about saying,
look, I accept that you're floored, we're all floored.
You know, you might not load the dishwasher the same way as me.
You might not keep the kitchen tidy when I like it tidy.
Like, but that's all part of kind of how do we, how do we create a life that
(26:35):
we're both kind of happy to live?
And, you know, so that when you make that step towards kind of living together,
you can do it in a way that, you know, makes you both happy and you aren't kind
of pulling in your hair though.
Yep yep big thing is whatever are
the inherent traits of your person when you make a big step of commitment like
(26:55):
moving in together or getting married to some extent you have to say I accept
this person for who they are and I don't have to accept them we could also part
ways amicably and say you know what we tried we're just not coming into the
same orbits of necessary.
Agreement on certain things right but to to form commitment means that you are
agreeing to accept certain things. So that's a big step.
(27:18):
As I really commend this person who's writing in, who's interested in having
a constructive conversation or series of conversations with their partner.
It's really important for them to, I think the biggest thing is,
if you are going to move in with somebody, what are the necessary conditions to be in place?
Both what do you, what, what things do you need to personally have in place?
(27:41):
What do you need your partner to be doing or contributing to?
What stage of the relationship is mature enough for you to feel like moving
in is, is, or do you have certain traditional requirements that are very acceptable?
Like you want to get married first. Absolutely.
You know, in many parts of the world, cohabitation is as good as getting married
(28:01):
in the legal view of things.
And that opens people up to a lot of financial vulnerability.
And so maybe there's certain financial things you need to have in order.
If you have children, co-parenting, etc.
These are all big things. So I think a big question would be,
what do you need to have in place in order for you to feel like you're ready
(28:22):
to move in with somebody?
Yeah, I think there's definitely some self-exploration around kind of,
you know, what it is, what is
it that's holding you back? That's something else I would kind of explore.
Oh, yeah. As well as the kind of...
You know what would good look like and if we were going to kind of go ahead.
I would also look at kind of what is it that's holding me back where
(28:42):
is the resistance coming from so there's
because they're clearly on kind of two different views the other
thing I would explore with your partner is kind of
what makes them so sure what's their
motivation what's the driver to try
and understand you know is it is that something that I'm
happy with it might be the other person's sole driver for
(29:03):
moving in together is financial and you know
that would probably raise a bit of a red
flag to me if that was the kind of sole driver because that
you know whilst i'm saying yes it's quite a practical thing why
would you pay for two houses blah blah blah that isn't a kind of
that shouldn't be a you know the one and only reason that
you're moving in together well it could
(29:24):
be financial but it could also be equally as red
flaggy as insecure anxious attachment if we
don't keep the goalposts or
sort of the milestones moving quickly on this relationship then i'm
scared i'll be rejected what's taking so long we were
supposed to be married all my other friends have
this that and the other what why are we behind so yeah
(29:45):
okay another red flag is i have to keep up with all
my social media friends or influencers
yeah but i think you know
in terms of the question like how do you have conversation about this you
know definitely don't avoid it and kind of bury your head in the sand because
it's not going to go away you know if it's being raised and it hasn't been addressed
or discussed or looked at it is going to come back again yes and it'll keep.
(30:08):
Coming back until there's some sort of outcome and that may or may not be positive
if you haven't actively kind of managed the conversation.
So I really would start with as you've kind of suggested Anna is to you know
start with that exploration let's kind of understand a bit about kind of you
know what would the measures look like if we were going to move in together
(30:29):
and what's kind of what is it that's holding me back.
Really get some of that kind of clear in your mind if if
it's a case of kind of time scales you know because
that can often come up one person thinks two years is acceptable
somebody else might say well no it's more like five in my book or
seven in our case it wasn't an intentional number I have to say but anyway that's
(30:49):
how it worked so yeah really kind of think about that and then say look you
know I know you brought up kind of living together I can see that it's something
that's important to you can we just have a you know an open discussion about that,
and I would start with the curiosity side like really explore kind of their
thoughts and views and really hear from them and ask them you know questions
(31:12):
like you know what is it about moving in together that really appeals to you
what is it how would you kind of see that working out what What would it look like?
Would we really kind of work through those kind of motions and try and get just
more information from your partner?
Because there could be something happening or some kind of internal discussion.
(31:35):
Actually, when you hear that, then makes perfect sense. And you go,
yes, I hadn't thought about it like that.
Yes, I'd love to move in. You know, it might actually remove all the resistance
and the blocks and the barriers that you've put in place right now by kind of
understanding where your partner's coming from.
Might have a different effect as well. But, you know, that is one potential outcome.
Nice. Yeah. I think the other thing that as I'm hearing this also,
(31:59):
as you're sort of exploring with each other widen
the lens to see who are the other stakeholders that might
be weighing in this could be parents this could
be religious figures in your life this could be influential friends
yeah yeah yeah that's the big one isn't it
I think a lot of the time kind of friends and parents really
do kind of you know it's that you can almost hear the
(32:21):
comments can't you it's oh well you know Johnny can't be
serious if you've been together for two years and he's not talking about
kind of moving in together like what sort of relationship is that like
why are you even still all together you can just you
can hear the dialogue for sure that or other
side you've maybe got a family member or a
parent who's had a troublesome experience
(32:42):
with marriage or or and they they have been solo parenting and they think understandably
very poorly about marriage and they're like don't ever don't ever commit to
anybody don't get burned like i did yeah yeah yeah so yeah the independence
yeah yeah absolutely yeah yeah this is so interesting because it's so
common that we're just not on the same timeline and it can be really anxiety
(33:05):
provoking one feeling like they're being pressured to make a decision about
giving up their independence.
Which it should never be you should never be giving up your
independence there should be a degree of both
union collaboration as well as freedom that you continue to
enjoy yeah but then the other fear of this
person won't commit to me and i don't know what's going on and I don't
(33:26):
know how to define our relationship and those are both really valid you
know fears on both sides of the coin yeah I
mean it brings us back to that kind of philosophy doesn't
it nothing has meaning until you give it meaning like I really love that from
our coach training days and it is that's what it's all about and in this situation
it perfect it's a perfect example isn't it I'm placing one meaning on it and
(33:48):
you're probably placing a different meaning on it and And we're just not aligned in that space.
Yeah. If it's a shared decision that taking more time living independently is
what you guys opt to do, for the person who feels ready like yesterday to move in,
what's really, really hard is to redefine for yourself,
(34:11):
why do I want to move in together so badly?
Dudley, what is that itch that
I want to scratch or that restlessness or boredom that I'm hoping to fill?
And how can I fill it in another way that over the long term of our relationship
is going to be helpful? Because...
We can be driven by boredom. And what is the antidote, temporary antidote to boredom? A plot twist.
(34:34):
And that's why we move in, we get married, we have a child, we buy a house.
We do things that are absolutely clearly regrettable because we're kind of bored
and we're like, well, I guess there's no going back, so might as well just drive forward. Yeah.
Yeah. It's always good to just kind of stop, take a moment,
really understand kind of what, what is it that
(34:55):
I want to do next and not be pressurized by kind
of society or you know those closest to
you that may be kind of putting that extra pressure on or feeling
like you're doing something because it's just
the next kind of logical step or stage I think
often we don't kind of question things and kind of stop and think.
Is this really the right person for me is it
(35:16):
the right move to move in together what is
what do I feel in my heart is the right thing for
me to do right now because we're not very good.
At being we're selfish to some degree as human
beings but i think when it comes to stuff like that and putting ourselves first.
I think we're not always that great at that yeah yeah
absolutely i think it takes a certain type
(35:37):
of character doesn't it to be able to do that and you
know this is why you get people that end up walking down
the aisle literally get married and 12 months later they're divorced
oh my god they've just made you know they've kind
of gone well i can't really got caught up in
the whole wedding discussions and the and now it's it
almost feels like it's too late to back out like yeah
(35:59):
i think you get kind of a lot of that happens it's it's
terrifying it really really is terrifying yeah yeah
one thing i would say is if you are in that situation like the
sooner you just kind of be honest the better
and i'm not a big advocate for
leaving somebody on the altar and jelting them on the wedding in because
that must be the most humiliating thing to have to
(36:21):
go through i mean yeah if
you know even a few days beforehand yeah that this
is not a go yeah you know and i have spoken
to people whose friends were always
like man i don't like your partner i'm just you
know and then they will look back on you know so i'm
not saying i'm not saying listen to everybody and not listen to yourself but
(36:44):
if your very quiet gut is raising red flags and the people who love you around
you are like i really you know you're right even days before heck you know what even at the all again.
There's always yeah there's always an opportunity i literally like i don't know
i couldn't think of any words like yeah.
(37:05):
This can be heartbreaking and it's not easy stuff, but it is your gut. So, yeah.
And I love the fact that this person writing in, which is, how do I have a conversation
around moving in together?
Isn't that amazing to be able to have these measured and mature conversations?
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And not just kind of take steps because we feel like we should do. Yeah.
(37:28):
Building intentionality at every stage if we can. Absolutely. Yes. Yeah.
Yeah. God, if you'd asked me when I was 20, though, am I going to live an intentional
life? I'd be like, I haven't got a fucking clue what you're talking about.
That means absolutely nothing to me. Like, go away now. I'm going to go and
do something else. Oh, my gosh. I tell you.
And it's so funny. And actually, I've been reminded of sort of like what the
(37:49):
kids are doing these days. I've got back on TikTok.
I'm reviving some of my content regarding mismatched desire and having a great
time of it. Oh, I saw you on.
I didn't see you on TikTok, actually, because I'm not really on there.
But I think I might have seen you on Instagram.
I did post. Yeah, I did cross post one or two. Yeah, absolutely.
Once on you. I know, getting on in there.
So as a result, I've been scrolling, you know, there's this fantastic teacher
(38:12):
from Arizona and he is just passion driven and he is bringing together all the
slang that he's hearing from the Gen Alpha middle schoolers. It is just insane.
It's like Alpha this, Sigma this, Ohio, Skibity, like Rizzy, like all sorts of stuff.
So when I think back on our 20s, right, and we think about sort of taking these,
(38:35):
maybe a lot of the people that are, you know, listening to our podcast have
kids that are these, like, they're speaking another language.
Oh, tell me about it. Listen, I've got to with it.
Are they, like, doing that whole thing? Are they, like, half their language
you don't even understand?
Yeah, so, like, they'll say things like, oh, mum, I think you're deep in it.
I'm like, what does that even mean?
(38:55):
Like, what is that? but yeah it's
just not a thing so they have to explain it and then the
other day was that did make me laugh was having dinner and
the kids started we're talking about food and then both
of them just started to have this conversation about what
was it of rice cake and fish or something
yeah it was some meme that they'd seen and I was like what are
(39:17):
you two on about but they instantly knew what we're talking about
yeah they're chuckling away and I'm like I don't get this like
and then they showed me the meme I mean it was funny but it's just this way
that they have a whole different set of communication or they'll kind of just
say kind of one or two words that then the other one just instantly knows what
(39:38):
they're on about I clearly have not got a scooby doo about it totally.
It's so cool I don't know if we're like in the midst of a massive language shift
like as we're speaking so I yeah,
I tell you what we were talking about, we're digressing slightly,
we will have to close up this podcast soon.
People are just tuning into our chitter-chatter. Bear with us.
(39:59):
Yeah, but the other day I was thinking about talking about kind of how things
are just kind of changing and digressing.
When we were away, so I went to Munich obviously last weekend,
I was very lucky the weekend before we were in London, me and my partner had a great time.
And I was just kind of observing kind of what people were wearing and how people are dressed.
And I said, you know, if you think about it kind
(40:19):
of back in kind of Victorian days everybody was very
very formal we're all kind of trussed up in corsets and
a very kind of defined way of dressing and then
gradually over the years things have just got more and more and more casual
yeah to the point now where we're practically all wearing pajamas to go out
in have you noticed totally totally except they're like designer pajamas that
(40:42):
are like three hundred dollars well yes they're yeah that yeah that's so funny and I And I wonder,
you know, what's really funny is that I did not know until I got back on TikTok
that wearing ankle socks,
you know how like my generation, we love wearing like socks that barely cover our feet, bare ankles.
Apparently, the new generation, God love you guys, are horrified because they're
(41:03):
all wearing high socks again. Crew socks.
I know. So like if you want to, and to my eye, I'm like, that's a little like
mismatched fashion wise, but like the clunky stuff with long socks, it's insane.
And so I know we're casual, but like if our ankles were bare and now they're
being unbare, are we going back to the dark ages?
(41:23):
That's my question. Are we just going to start covering up again?
I wonder. I don't think so. We're all just going to be wearing pajamas that all look the same.
We'll end up just with a uniform, I reckon. There will be no clothes.
There will be no clothes. You heard it from Sarah first.
Awesome. Awesome. I'll see you back in, I'll see you in 50 years time.
(41:46):
Let's see where the trends are wouldn't that be awesome the uh fashion soothsayer
i love it i love it new york fashion week tune right in gotta hear first indeed
oh man well we have given you a total mix today i have to say more than you
came on for more than you paid for,
(42:07):
absolutely oh my gosh i was bringing it absolutely yeah oh nice okay well i feel like a chat forever
to you today but I think we probably do need to close up this podcast so that
the listeners don't get extremely bored yes I agree I know we gotta leave something
in the tank for the next time we do indeed.
Music.
Welcome to Geordie Lass and Doc Sass. One day a Geordie and a Canadian walk
into a bar and decide to start a podcast about relationships and what a topic that is.
Music.
No subjects are off limits, get in touch today with us at geordielass.com or
email info at geordielass.com and let us know what you think and what we should talk about.
(00:24):
Oh welcome to the podcast. Welcome. Oh
yeah slightly croaky intro there i'm not sure
what's happening getting the frogs out of the throat i know i
know absolutely yes need to warm up my vocal cords
this morning well we were talking about warming up
vocal cords and whose vocal cords were like amazingly on
point well yes adele's vocal cords were very much on point this weekend when
(00:50):
we went to see her in munich oh my gosh oh my gosh she's just unreal unreal
and the stadium like this whole stadium was custom built for her.
And it was just phenomenal serious kind
of like a curvy sort of stage and then
on either side of the stage it had these kind of
(01:11):
pillars there weren't real pillows pillars even can't
speak very well but that's where all the kind
of the movies the images and stuff were all projected it
there's one song right at the very end where it turned
those pillars into two lighthouses oh
my gosh like oh my god that is just unreal
really like real life lighthouses oh
(01:33):
my gosh oh that's incredible just the whole
thing like every song she sang was just note
perfect just lovely she had a good little chat
in between it was just great wow and
some people got engaged there there was one particular song
apparently it's kind of i can't remember which one it was now actually
that a lot of people get engaged to apparently really she
(01:54):
said if anybody in the audience gets engaged during this song just get your
kind of torches on the light and just kind of and then we'll know that you have
you know popped the question oh my gosh oh yeah oh that's awesome yeah it was
so good so good really really enjoyed it was great weekend actually from start to finish,
other than the kind of early starts that we needed to do to the joys of living
(02:17):
on an island where you have to have an island to then fly somewhere else.
Yeah, yeah, absolutely.
Yeah, no, it was well worth it. It was great. Oh, beautiful, beautiful.
What an incredible voice. And oh, she just, yes, it was. It was just beautiful, magical.
I'm very lucky. I'm feeling very blessed and grateful that I was able to have that opportunity to go.
(02:39):
Oh, I love it. But we should have her on our podcast.
She sings about. I would love her to come on. Oh, my gosh. The range of emotions
that we experience in relationships.
She sings about it. Oh, my God. Yes. Yeah.
And you feel it like in a music, like it's just, yeah.
Oh, the anthems of love and loss. Yes, indeed.
(03:01):
I may have shed a tear or two during that. Oh, I would have been bawling. Yeah. Gosh.
Wow. But yeah, no, it was really, really good. Wow.
Wow. So did the Relationship Desk of Love have their international correspondent from Munich?
Anything that you're reporting on today?
Well, the Relationship Desk of Love was panicking slightly before we came on
(03:24):
air, but I've got one for you. Nice. Awesome. Awesome.
Okay. So today's Love Desk news.
Studies have confirmed that love is more likely to flourish with similarities
in values and interests, challenging the myth that opposites attract in long-term romance.
This is so true. This is so true.
(03:46):
Tell us more. yeah so it goes on so it
says why don't opposites attract in the long run this study
suggests that while differences may spark initial intrigue
they often lead to challenges in understanding values and life goals over time
in contrast couples with aligned interests values and attitudes navigate life
(04:07):
with a shared vision experiencing deeper satisfaction and a stronger more resistant connection.
So it says this isn't just about liking the same movies or hobbies,
it's about how similar world views and mutual respect for each other's core
beliefs create room for love to grow and thrive.
So it says it's the shared laughter, the common goals and the mutual support
(04:31):
in times of challenge that truly define the essence of lasting love.
Yeah oh my gosh yes yes yeah I
read it and I was like oh my god this is so true like
so true it describes my like me in
my 40s as opposed to me in my 20s like right there
right like in our 20s or whatever we're like oh my
(04:51):
god opposites attract the same car as me oh my
god and then and that's my favorite band no
totally we both love I love sushi too
oh my god I no totally now
i'm like let's have a deeper meaningful about everything that's
great about our relationship yeah let's talk
(05:11):
about how we can support each other better let's kind of
financially plan for the future and get our goals sorted
yeah totally yeah yep where do
you stand on the big things the money children parenting
taking care of our parents did i
say finances did i say sex important yeah
totally all the things yeah where are
(05:33):
you just down on the big ticker items for sure it's so
true and so many people don't even kind of think about
it or discuss it when i was away i had kind of a bit of a thought about a kind
of extension to kind of some of the work that we do in terms of coaching like
one-on-one coaching and i thought it would be really really cool to do is kind
of run workshops for couples around goal setting for their relationship like
(05:57):
Like how cool would that be?
And it is so hard to do it alone as a couple. It would be so great to have an
art, like a moderator there.
Yes. Oh, wow. Yeah, that was my new little brainwave at the weekend.
Yes, please. Because I haven't got enough to do.
Sounds a little busy on your plate, but you know what? They say when you want
something done, give it to a busy person. So well, yes, yes.
(06:20):
Ain't that the truth? This sounds great.
Awesome. So yes. Yes. So you have it here from good authority and this study,
get clear on your big ticket items,
understand your values, share some of those deep and meaningful conversations
if you want your relationship to flourish in the long term.
Yeah, I agree with you. And I'd say learn from your lessons of the past because
(06:43):
we generally have maybe a serious relationship, maybe a marriage where we maybe
had to learn those lessons the hard way.
And it's a great idea or it's a great opportunity to have a reinvention and
may your next relationship incorporate all these learnings and you're like deep
dive to the values asap yeah definitely definitely nice good right now we're
(07:06):
warmed up should we take a hot topic.
Music.
Okay, so today's hot topic, why love isn't enough. Oh my god, yes.
(07:29):
Well, for all the reasons we just mentioned in the love desk.
Oh, again, 20s, love is all you need. Oh my gosh, you know, I miss that person who believed that.
And I don't want to rain on any parades. If there's somebody who's in their
20s who's listening, or if they're in their first serious relationship,
I do not want to take away the first blush of love.
(07:50):
But for those people who have been through a serious relationship or two,
love is a beautiful thing. Love remains a beautiful thing.
It is a necessary but not sufficient part of a long term relationship, though.
So tell me what comes up for you when you hear this.
So I think, you know, like you say, when we're young, we kind of thought love
(08:12):
was just about the kind of that gushy kind of feeling,
the butterflies in the stomach and that kind of, you know, rush of adrenaline
and excitement when you're about to kind of, you know, meet your partner or,
you know, hang out with them and stuff.
I think we kind of that's what we associate
love with is that kind of feeling of of kind
(08:32):
of being in love and feeling loved for me
I think it is it is deeper than that the connection needs to be deeper than
that if you are going to have a long-term relationship and you know not all
relationships are built to last some are built for the moment and that's okay
too you can have that experience and then say actually you know it's maybe not
right for us to continue and that's it's okay.
(08:54):
But if we are actively wanting to cultivate and create a long lasting love with
our partner, for me, I think it really comes down to how do you form that connection and that bond?
How do you trust each other enough to, I guess, kind of hold each other's hearts?
Oh, I like that. Because you are, you're putting your trust in somebody else to actually take care of
(09:19):
your heart and your feelings and not to
kind of like you know trample all over that because in order
to have a long lasting love we need to be able to
be kind of vulnerable we need to be able to say things like you know today's
just not a good day for me you know I'd really like some support or things like
I'm really worried about the future you know can we have a discussion about
(09:41):
that or having kind of more deep and meaningful conversations about kind of you know the the
whys and wherefores of the world and kind of, you know, how do we interpret
some of the things that are going on and be able to have some of those discussions.
It's about being able to say, yeah,
I don't really understand that you've kind of shared something,
but I don't kind of understand what that means.
(10:03):
Or maybe you see something on the news and you're not quite up to date with
that kind of, you know, part of, you know, the kind of world or whatever.
And you, it's been vulnerable enough to say, I don't really understand this.
Can you explain it? Or, you know, maybe your finances or anything.
It's about being able to be a hundred percent
kind of authentic and feel safe
(10:24):
and the knowledge that that person isn't going to kind of use any
of that against you oh no it's
about supporting each other it's i could go on and on it's
really hard to describe and i think this is the problem that we have with love isn't
it if you ask kind of 100 people what their version of love is and what it means
to them they'll probably all come up with slightly different answers and it's
(10:47):
quite people really struggle to articulate what love actually is But I really
feel like it's in the everyday actions.
It's in the things that we do to support each other and to really feel connected
and bonded to another person. Yeah, absolutely.
Wow. It's not as, you know, the thing that comes to me is we can't make a 90 minute film on this.
(11:11):
No no it's i know it's
just not possible is it i mean yeah god we've been
writing about love for years we've been singing about love
been creating movies about love it's something that is so in it's part of our
kind of everyday fabric it's part of who we are as human beings we were designed
to connect and to be loved and and to love each other that's that's just in
(11:35):
our genetic makeup isn't it.
Yeah, and I think that there's, I mean, it's not all boring and values and mission statements.
I think that love, if I think about, I think it is fed from this well that remains
from those early days, this well of excitement to be around each other, that adoration. Yeah.
(11:58):
And when that well completely dries out, then it's a real, then the chances
are looking pretty slim that you can kind of get through a lot of the hard times.
I feel like there's, if you can keep access to this well that can kind of bring
up a little bit of that fresh water that can infuse a difficult day,
a difficult period, a challenging situation,
(12:20):
that always inspires you to step around yourself and actually give something
that the other person is needing,
even if you don't feel like it.
But yeah, there's a lot of this, like, you know, you got to do it even if you don't feel like it.
It's, you know, it's the adulting of going to work. It's the adulting of keeping a relationship fresh.
(12:44):
Sometimes you just have to dig deeper. I do think kind of nowadays it's too
easy just to give up on things and to, you know, live in this kind of moment
and things are kind of easy come, easy go.
We live in a you know a world the majority of us where we're full of abundance there's so much.
Kind of chance to get kind of access to almost
(13:06):
anything you want really because of that
we almost kind of treat relationships in the same
vein you know yeah you know i can pick up an app
and i can kind of find somebody else i can find a replacement i
think there's not enough of really kind of digging deep
of really kind of you know getting into that kind
of grit and determination you know comes back to i talk
(13:27):
a lot about commitment you know if we are 100 committed
to each other and to our relationship we will
do whatever it takes to make this relationship work
oh wow yeah yeah i couldn't agree with you more kind of speechless here there's
so much going through my head yeah so i mean when we say love is not enough
love is still necessary but there needs to be grit and determination the other
(13:51):
thing too and i was just speaking about this yesterday,
is it can be hard for those of us who did not have healthy relationship modeled
to us in our home of origin.
A lot of this we kind of have to invent on the fly or find other mentors and
other teachers to teach us how to dig deep and how to do the hard work when you don't feel like it.
So some of it is things like love languages, speaking to each other in the way
(14:14):
that we can actually hear and receive love.
But no, definitely beyond the the surface. It's shared values,
shared mission, having something or a suite of things that you're working towards together.
Something that I've been kind of mulling over and thinking about kind of recently
is around this thought that if we, you know, a lot of the time we're kind of
(14:34):
worried, aren't we, about kind of, you know, what's going to happen in the future,
how things are, will, you know, will we work, will we not work?
When we're going through kind of turbulent times in a relationship,
we have all of these kind of, you know, the story train is kind of running at
full steam and it seems impossible to stop it.
But I think a bit of a kind of counter to
(14:54):
that is rather than kind of worrying about what might
happen tomorrow or six months or 12 months time if
we solely focus on being the
best possible partner that we can be regardless of
what our partners do if we can focus on being the
best possible partner that we can be and show up kind of you
know I don't want to say daily because it's just not possible we're not
(15:16):
always kind of there but the majority of the
time fully show up for our partners and think
and actively think about what can I do to make this life better for my partner
and if we focus just on that instead of all the other shenanigans that go on
or well he or she hasn't done that why should I do it you know we'll take away all of that and just say.
(15:40):
If I'm it's a bit like you know when you're a parent you say I'm going to be
the best mother that I can possibly be what would I be doing what would that look like you know if we
do the same thing in relationships and say you know I want to be the best wife
I want to be the best partner I want to be the best husband that I can be what
does that look like for me how do I do that and how do I then kind of demonstrate
the love that I want to give to my partner wow yeah
(16:04):
like wouldn't the world be a such a better place if everybody did that it would
it would and some may say yeah but that's unfair if I'm not receiving if I'm
if my cup is not full how am I expected to
fill somebody else's cup and I get it like yeah you know there's any days if
you were to tell me that on Sundays I'm like oh my god serious do I have to
get out I'm like no I refuse I'm gonna throw a tantrum yeah and and I get it
(16:30):
and and you're right it's simple but it's not easy so.
And I'm yeah you know I'm not saying you can do it 100% of you know all day
every day but if we do it in the majority of cases and I do believe that if
it's the right relationship and it's meant to
kind of, you know, if it's meant to be and your partner kind of sees you showing
up differently, even if they're not initially.
And we know because of the kind of negative dance, it can take a little while
(16:52):
to kind of work through some of those patterns and start to eradicate them from
your relationship. But it is possible.
And then the more you just say, right, okay, I'm just going to do it.
I'm going to commit to, whether you say, look, I'm going to commit for three
months, six months, 12 months, and I'm just going to show up as the best person
that I can be, more supportive partner and see what happens.
(17:12):
And at the end of the day, like, what have you got to lose in that situation?
Because you'll be a happier person because of it.
Yep. Yeah. I mean, all you have to lose is perhaps some pride.
And again, we value that far too much.
Maybe some effort, you know, maybe some energy. Sure. You know what?
Energy is expensive and energy is a limited resource. So I get that too.
(17:32):
But truly speaking, it's a really interesting thing to venture
out and give your partner
or what the relationship is needing at that moment and just see their
reaction it's it is hard though you know sometimes when
resentment has set in it takes a while to thaw the ice and
there's no question I get it I do really
get that but I think that the energy that's needed for resentment is way more
(17:58):
than the energy that's needed for love yes you know how they say like you take
takes more muscles to muscles to frown there there's to smile it is to smile
yeah and and And it's true.
But, you know, human beings, we are used to, we are programmed to look at the negative. It is true.
Yeah. But, you know, at some stage, you have to try and override that.
Yeah, that's true. Because we're also designed to, I don't know,
(18:22):
do a bunch of other caveman stuff and doesn't serve us in the modern civilized world.
So we might as well look at other patterns that may need a refresh. Very true.
Indeed. do it oh okay more adulting i'm
in for it i'm here for it i was just having
a conversation this morning about adulting and how yeah how
(18:42):
it's it's difficult sometimes just not fair people it's just not fair i you
know again wouldn't it be nice if we had tremendous regard or reward from serial
monogamous relationships if that's our thing it would be nice like if it were so
rewarding I think all of us would be doing that but there is something about
(19:02):
us that for many of us I'll say we desire and probably the people who are listening to our podcast.
I'm hearing you and I think that you are here because
you want to unlock the secret of being able to do
the marathon of a long-term relationship there is a certain reward
so all right might as
well stick in and I think take things one step at
(19:24):
a time as well like I think we do get kind of quite
overwhelmed don't we by all the things that need to be done or kind of all consumed
with worry and things like that and really is just one day at a time that's
all we've got yeah you've got it yeah all right should we take a question yeah
let's go and take a question.
(19:45):
Music.
Partner of two years wants to move in together but i'm
not sure i'm ready we spend most nights together anyway
how do i approach this conversation aha good
i'm like how do you approach the conversation it's interesting because
(20:07):
i think what i there's a lot going through my
head and i am stuck behind the and
i admit to the stereotypical
two years and you haven't sorted your stuff
out what's wrong with you i just find myself that's where i go
i'm a coach but i still i'm like it's two
years you know what what other
(20:28):
information are you needing but but no
let's take a little broader step out and and you know there's people who live
together don't live together or in a relationship without formalities like marriage
or cohabitation for many many years and and so long as it's okay with both people
and there's open communication it can be wonderful i don't know about you.
(20:48):
I actually love having my own apartment.
It feels really great. It feels great to have the freedom to have one's own place to retreat to.
So I love the fact that this person has been approached by their partner who's
asking, hey, what are we waiting for?
And they are interested in how do I approach this conversation?
So I love this. I'm here for it. What are you thinking?
(21:10):
Well, as somebody who took seven years to move in with a boy,
I can definitely say,
I liked my own space yeah but when
I kind of you know what we're actually two years
in gosh in 10 days we'll have lived together
for two years wow is it that are you
serious it literally feels like oh my god you just
(21:32):
looked at the day there I'm like oh yeah oh wow wow
I was surrounded by boxes this time two years ago oh wow
amazing okay yeah so yeah
it's like you know we took a long time as as we kind of know and
then there was definitely a bit of kind of hesitation even when
we were moving in together and then when we did move in
together there was still kind of some you know ups and
(21:53):
downs have we made the right decision all of those things that
kind of happen I would say now kind of you know
approaching our two-year moving in anniversary we are just so much more settled
and we are delighted that we moved in together and think it was the you know
the best decision and the right move for us but that said you know we did take
(22:13):
seven years to get there so I think two years you know you're a bit of an amateur really.
You've got a much longer probation period to go than that. How do you think
it if you have done this before versus you've never done it before do you think that,
we might be inclined to slow things down because we've been there before and
(22:34):
we know the perils of rushing in too quickly?
Possibly. I mean, for us, it was very much connected to children and,
you know, wanting to make sure that it was the right time and the right move
and those sorts of things.
So we, that, you know, was kind of one of our biggest challenges.
Had we have been in our 20s, say, then
with no other kind of commitments and then I
(22:57):
dare say it might have happened quicker I don't know you know who
knows it's impossible isn't it to kind of to recreate
or understand and I guess
that's what I would say as well maybe for the person writing in kind
of like what is their situation I'd want to kind of explore that a
little bit more as you say have they lived with somebody
before and it didn't work out or have they always had
(23:18):
their own space and therefore they're feeling kind of a little
bit hesitant about how that would work about whether they kind
of you know can live together kind of quite happily
I think it's one thing kind of having you know
sleepovers pretty much every night versus actually
I've still got my space and kind of
you've got yours and you know we do kind of
(23:39):
spend the majority of time together but that kind
of step to actually say we want to move in together is
is different I think it is a big step and I think it does need
careful consideration the more
practical side of me would say well
what's the point of wasting kind of two rents two mortgages whatever
it is like why would you kind of spend all of
(24:00):
that but you know again it is just kind of like a it's a life choice isn't it
and some people might say you're more than happy to carry on paying for two
different properties and an expense app because the having my own kind of space
and freedom is more important to me than the money side of it.
Yep, and it's a very valid, very valid balance for sure.
(24:22):
One of the things that as you, if you find yourself hesitating and again,
always ask yourself the same question multiple times so that you don't sort
of come up with the most easy answer that you've been trying to tell yourself.
I have encountered people on the waiting side. And by that, I mean the side
that's waiting for their partner to make a decision.
(24:42):
And when they've asked their partner, okay, what's the holdup?
Why aren't we moving in? Why aren't we taking our relationship to the next level?
There's often kind of, well, I need to see this from you, or I need to see this
from our relationship first.
And there's often a moving goalpost situation where it's like today it's one
thing and then then it's another.
What I will say is, reluctance to move in can often be, or reluctance to get
(25:06):
married, for example, if that's the choice that is to be made,
it can be red flags coming up that are not well articulated,
or certain expectations that have not been well communicated.
Like, there's this hope that you're going to change somebody or that somebody is going to change.
And, you know, perhaps your partner is waiting for you to do the housework better,
(25:28):
be a cleaner person, demonstrate that you have more responsibility,
demonstrate that you may be a very responsible partner, whatever it is.
And that's not fair for there to be moving goalposts and for you to be in a
relationship where your partner's like, yeah, you haven't crossed the line of acceptability yet.
(25:48):
Like you don't yet, you know, you don't yet, you're not yet eligible
for approval of of this relationship that does
happen and I think it's if
somebody is waiting for certain things to be fulfilled you
know I think it's time to have a serious talk about this relationship that's
very conditional yeah and that's you know we talked before about kind of you
(26:10):
know why love isn't enough like and you know kind of we describe kind of what
love really is love really is that kind of unconditional kind of no no judgment it is about saying,
look, I accept that you're floored, we're all floored.
You know, you might not load the dishwasher the same way as me.
You might not keep the kitchen tidy when I like it tidy.
Like, but that's all part of kind of how do we, how do we create a life that
(26:35):
we're both kind of happy to live?
And, you know, so that when you make that step towards kind of living together,
you can do it in a way that, you know, makes you both happy and you aren't kind
of pulling in your hair though.
Yep yep big thing is whatever are
the inherent traits of your person when you make a big step of commitment like
(26:55):
moving in together or getting married to some extent you have to say I accept
this person for who they are and I don't have to accept them we could also part
ways amicably and say you know what we tried we're just not coming into the
same orbits of necessary.
Agreement on certain things right but to to form commitment means that you are
agreeing to accept certain things. So that's a big step.
(27:18):
As I really commend this person who's writing in, who's interested in having
a constructive conversation or series of conversations with their partner.
It's really important for them to, I think the biggest thing is,
if you are going to move in with somebody, what are the necessary conditions to be in place?
Both what do you, what, what things do you need to personally have in place?
(27:41):
What do you need your partner to be doing or contributing to?
What stage of the relationship is mature enough for you to feel like moving
in is, is, or do you have certain traditional requirements that are very acceptable?
Like you want to get married first. Absolutely.
You know, in many parts of the world, cohabitation is as good as getting married
(28:01):
in the legal view of things.
And that opens people up to a lot of financial vulnerability.
And so maybe there's certain financial things you need to have in order.
If you have children, co-parenting, etc.
These are all big things. So I think a big question would be,
what do you need to have in place in order for you to feel like you're ready
(28:22):
to move in with somebody?
Yeah, I think there's definitely some self-exploration around kind of,
you know, what it is, what is
it that's holding you back? That's something else I would kind of explore.
Oh, yeah. As well as the kind of...
You know what would good look like and if we were going to kind of go ahead.
I would also look at kind of what is it that's holding me back where
(28:42):
is the resistance coming from so there's
because they're clearly on kind of two different views the other
thing I would explore with your partner is kind of
what makes them so sure what's their
motivation what's the driver to try
and understand you know is it is that something that I'm
happy with it might be the other person's sole driver for
(29:03):
moving in together is financial and you know
that would probably raise a bit of a red
flag to me if that was the kind of sole driver because that
you know whilst i'm saying yes it's quite a practical thing why
would you pay for two houses blah blah blah that isn't a kind of
that shouldn't be a you know the one and only reason that
you're moving in together well it could
(29:24):
be financial but it could also be equally as red
flaggy as insecure anxious attachment if we
don't keep the goalposts or
sort of the milestones moving quickly on this relationship then i'm
scared i'll be rejected what's taking so long we were
supposed to be married all my other friends have
this that and the other what why are we behind so yeah
(29:45):
okay another red flag is i have to keep up with all
my social media friends or influencers
yeah but i think you know
in terms of the question like how do you have conversation about this you
know definitely don't avoid it and kind of bury your head in the sand because
it's not going to go away you know if it's being raised and it hasn't been addressed
or discussed or looked at it is going to come back again yes and it'll keep.
(30:08):
Coming back until there's some sort of outcome and that may or may not be positive
if you haven't actively kind of managed the conversation.
So I really would start with as you've kind of suggested Anna is to you know
start with that exploration let's kind of understand a bit about kind of you
know what would the measures look like if we were going to move in together
(30:29):
and what's kind of what is it that's holding me back.
Really get some of that kind of clear in your mind if if
it's a case of kind of time scales you know because
that can often come up one person thinks two years is acceptable
somebody else might say well no it's more like five in my book or
seven in our case it wasn't an intentional number I have to say but anyway that's
(30:49):
how it worked so yeah really kind of think about that and then say look you
know I know you brought up kind of living together I can see that it's something
that's important to you can we just have a you know an open discussion about that,
and I would start with the curiosity side like really explore kind of their
thoughts and views and really hear from them and ask them you know questions
(31:12):
like you know what is it about moving in together that really appeals to you
what is it how would you kind of see that working out what What would it look like?
Would we really kind of work through those kind of motions and try and get just
more information from your partner?
Because there could be something happening or some kind of internal discussion.
(31:35):
Actually, when you hear that, then makes perfect sense. And you go,
yes, I hadn't thought about it like that.
Yes, I'd love to move in. You know, it might actually remove all the resistance
and the blocks and the barriers that you've put in place right now by kind of
understanding where your partner's coming from.
Might have a different effect as well. But, you know, that is one potential outcome.
Nice. Yeah. I think the other thing that as I'm hearing this also,
(31:59):
as you're sort of exploring with each other widen
the lens to see who are the other stakeholders that might
be weighing in this could be parents this could
be religious figures in your life this could be influential friends
yeah yeah yeah that's the big one isn't it
I think a lot of the time kind of friends and parents really
do kind of you know it's that you can almost hear the
(32:21):
comments can't you it's oh well you know Johnny can't be
serious if you've been together for two years and he's not talking about
kind of moving in together like what sort of relationship is that like
why are you even still all together you can just you
can hear the dialogue for sure that or other
side you've maybe got a family member or a
parent who's had a troublesome experience
(32:42):
with marriage or or and they they have been solo parenting and they think understandably
very poorly about marriage and they're like don't ever don't ever commit to
anybody don't get burned like i did yeah yeah yeah so yeah the independence
yeah yeah absolutely yeah yeah this is so interesting because it's so
common that we're just not on the same timeline and it can be really anxiety
(33:05):
provoking one feeling like they're being pressured to make a decision about
giving up their independence.
Which it should never be you should never be giving up your
independence there should be a degree of both
union collaboration as well as freedom that you continue to
enjoy yeah but then the other fear of this
person won't commit to me and i don't know what's going on and I don't
(33:26):
know how to define our relationship and those are both really valid you
know fears on both sides of the coin yeah I
mean it brings us back to that kind of philosophy doesn't
it nothing has meaning until you give it meaning like I really love that from
our coach training days and it is that's what it's all about and in this situation
it perfect it's a perfect example isn't it I'm placing one meaning on it and
(33:48):
you're probably placing a different meaning on it and And we're just not aligned in that space.
Yeah. If it's a shared decision that taking more time living independently is
what you guys opt to do, for the person who feels ready like yesterday to move in,
what's really, really hard is to redefine for yourself,
(34:11):
why do I want to move in together so badly?
Dudley, what is that itch that
I want to scratch or that restlessness or boredom that I'm hoping to fill?
And how can I fill it in another way that over the long term of our relationship
is going to be helpful? Because...
We can be driven by boredom. And what is the antidote, temporary antidote to boredom? A plot twist.
(34:34):
And that's why we move in, we get married, we have a child, we buy a house.
We do things that are absolutely clearly regrettable because we're kind of bored
and we're like, well, I guess there's no going back, so might as well just drive forward. Yeah.
Yeah. It's always good to just kind of stop, take a moment,
really understand kind of what, what is it that
(34:55):
I want to do next and not be pressurized by kind
of society or you know those closest to
you that may be kind of putting that extra pressure on or feeling
like you're doing something because it's just
the next kind of logical step or stage I think
often we don't kind of question things and kind of stop and think.
Is this really the right person for me is it
(35:16):
the right move to move in together what is
what do I feel in my heart is the right thing for
me to do right now because we're not very good.
At being we're selfish to some degree as human
beings but i think when it comes to stuff like that and putting ourselves first.
I think we're not always that great at that yeah yeah
absolutely i think it takes a certain type
(35:37):
of character doesn't it to be able to do that and you
know this is why you get people that end up walking down
the aisle literally get married and 12 months later they're divorced
oh my god they've just made you know they've kind
of gone well i can't really got caught up in
the whole wedding discussions and the and now it's it
almost feels like it's too late to back out like yeah
(35:59):
i think you get kind of a lot of that happens it's it's
terrifying it really really is terrifying yeah yeah
one thing i would say is if you are in that situation like the
sooner you just kind of be honest the better
and i'm not a big advocate for
leaving somebody on the altar and jelting them on the wedding in because
that must be the most humiliating thing to have to
(36:21):
go through i mean yeah if
you know even a few days beforehand yeah that this
is not a go yeah you know and i have spoken
to people whose friends were always
like man i don't like your partner i'm just you
know and then they will look back on you know so i'm
not saying i'm not saying listen to everybody and not listen to yourself but
(36:44):
if your very quiet gut is raising red flags and the people who love you around
you are like i really you know you're right even days before heck you know what even at the all again.
There's always yeah there's always an opportunity i literally like i don't know
i couldn't think of any words like yeah.
(37:05):
This can be heartbreaking and it's not easy stuff, but it is your gut. So, yeah.
And I love the fact that this person writing in, which is, how do I have a conversation
around moving in together?
Isn't that amazing to be able to have these measured and mature conversations?
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And not just kind of take steps because we feel like we should do. Yeah.
(37:28):
Building intentionality at every stage if we can. Absolutely. Yes. Yeah.
Yeah. God, if you'd asked me when I was 20, though, am I going to live an intentional
life? I'd be like, I haven't got a fucking clue what you're talking about.
That means absolutely nothing to me. Like, go away now. I'm going to go and
do something else. Oh, my gosh. I tell you.
And it's so funny. And actually, I've been reminded of sort of like what the
(37:49):
kids are doing these days. I've got back on TikTok.
I'm reviving some of my content regarding mismatched desire and having a great
time of it. Oh, I saw you on.
I didn't see you on TikTok, actually, because I'm not really on there.
But I think I might have seen you on Instagram.
I did post. Yeah, I did cross post one or two. Yeah, absolutely.
Once on you. I know, getting on in there.
So as a result, I've been scrolling, you know, there's this fantastic teacher
(38:12):
from Arizona and he is just passion driven and he is bringing together all the
slang that he's hearing from the Gen Alpha middle schoolers. It is just insane.
It's like Alpha this, Sigma this, Ohio, Skibity, like Rizzy, like all sorts of stuff.
So when I think back on our 20s, right, and we think about sort of taking these,
(38:35):
maybe a lot of the people that are, you know, listening to our podcast have
kids that are these, like, they're speaking another language.
Oh, tell me about it. Listen, I've got to with it.
Are they, like, doing that whole thing? Are they, like, half their language
you don't even understand?
Yeah, so, like, they'll say things like, oh, mum, I think you're deep in it.
I'm like, what does that even mean?
(38:55):
Like, what is that? but yeah it's
just not a thing so they have to explain it and then the
other day was that did make me laugh was having dinner and
the kids started we're talking about food and then both
of them just started to have this conversation about what
was it of rice cake and fish or something
yeah it was some meme that they'd seen and I was like what are
(39:17):
you two on about but they instantly knew what we're talking about
yeah they're chuckling away and I'm like I don't get this like
and then they showed me the meme I mean it was funny but it's just this way
that they have a whole different set of communication or they'll kind of just
say kind of one or two words that then the other one just instantly knows what
(39:38):
they're on about I clearly have not got a scooby doo about it totally.
It's so cool I don't know if we're like in the midst of a massive language shift
like as we're speaking so I yeah,
I tell you what we were talking about, we're digressing slightly,
we will have to close up this podcast soon.
People are just tuning into our chitter-chatter. Bear with us.
(39:59):
Yeah, but the other day I was thinking about talking about kind of how things
are just kind of changing and digressing.
When we were away, so I went to Munich obviously last weekend,
I was very lucky the weekend before we were in London, me and my partner had a great time.
And I was just kind of observing kind of what people were wearing and how people are dressed.
And I said, you know, if you think about it kind
(40:19):
of back in kind of Victorian days everybody was very
very formal we're all kind of trussed up in corsets and
a very kind of defined way of dressing and then
gradually over the years things have just got more and more and more casual
yeah to the point now where we're practically all wearing pajamas to go out
in have you noticed totally totally except they're like designer pajamas that
(40:42):
are like three hundred dollars well yes they're yeah that yeah that's so funny and I And I wonder,
you know, what's really funny is that I did not know until I got back on TikTok
that wearing ankle socks,
you know how like my generation, we love wearing like socks that barely cover our feet, bare ankles.
Apparently, the new generation, God love you guys, are horrified because they're
(41:03):
all wearing high socks again. Crew socks.
I know. So like if you want to, and to my eye, I'm like, that's a little like
mismatched fashion wise, but like the clunky stuff with long socks, it's insane.
And so I know we're casual, but like if our ankles were bare and now they're
being unbare, are we going back to the dark ages?
(41:23):
That's my question. Are we just going to start covering up again?
I wonder. I don't think so. We're all just going to be wearing pajamas that all look the same.
We'll end up just with a uniform, I reckon. There will be no clothes.
There will be no clothes. You heard it from Sarah first.
Awesome. Awesome. I'll see you back in, I'll see you in 50 years time.
(41:46):
Let's see where the trends are wouldn't that be awesome the uh fashion soothsayer
i love it i love it new york fashion week tune right in gotta hear first indeed
oh man well we have given you a total mix today i have to say more than you
came on for more than you paid for,
(42:07):
absolutely oh my gosh i was bringing it absolutely yeah oh nice okay well i feel like a chat forever
to you today but I think we probably do need to close up this podcast so that
the listeners don't get extremely bored yes I agree I know we gotta leave something
in the tank for the next time we do indeed.
Music.
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