102 | 7 Brutal Truths No One Tells You About Choosing Your Life Partner

Hi beautiful! ♥️

Ever thought “I’m ready to settle down” only to get married and realize it’s way more complicated than you ever imagined? Maybe your spouse suddenly reflects every insecurity you thought you’d left behind, or you find yourself re-choosing love on the hardest days. Perhaps you’ve felt lonely even when you’re lying next to the person you promised forever to.

Listen, I get it—marriage shines a spotlight on every part of you, and it can feel like stepping into uncharted territory. But here’s the thing: knowing what really happens behind the “happily ever after” doesn’t ruin your marriage—it equips you to build the deep, unshakeable love you crave. In today’s episode, we’re unpacking 7 truths nobody warns you about when choosing your life partner, so you can walk into forever with eyes wide open and a heart anchored in Christ.

So grab your journal and let’s dive in. We’re tackling the ROOT of what makes marriage thrive (and what trips us up), so you can step into the partnership God designed for you.

See you on the inside! Xo,
 Dani JOIN THE COMMUNITY: https://bit.ly/healtoxicrelationshipsgroup 

Episode Transcript

(00:00):
Hello, beautiful.

(00:02):
Welcome back.
I hope you had a beautiful week last week.
We have a juicy topic today, and the reason I believe it's gonna be juicy is because this was my most viral post in Instagram and it created a lot of conversation, and so I really wanted to dive more into it through the podcast and bring it to you guys.

(00:25):
And it's this.
This, these truths, this, this conversation around what nobody tells you when choosing your life partner.
And I have witnessed multiple relationships and marriages that where people just like really rush into it and before really understanding what marriage is and how, what conversations need to be had beforehand and what your expectations need to be.

(00:58):
And so if I was in the dating poll, like right now, today, these are seven things that I would.
Want and hope somebody would tell me as I'm looking for my life partner.
So this is definitely a note taker.
One, something you want to reference back to, um, and even listen.

(01:21):
Again and again, because this is going to help you prepare how to be a, a good partner for your future partner and also what to look for and just setting that, that level of, of expectation from the very beginning.
All right, let's dive in. 14 00:01:38,68.276733228 --> 00:01:39,268.276733228 Hey, beautiful. 15 00:01:39,388.276733228 --> 00:01:43,168.27673323 Welcome to the Heal From Toxic Relationships podcast. 16 00:01:43,228.27673323 --> 00:02:07,528.27673323 Are you ready to break free from toxic relationship patterns and fully embrace a life filled with confidence, joy, and purpose? Do you find yourself questioning yourself worth and wondering what God's plan for your life is? Or maybe you deeply fear being alone and struggle with the lack of boundaries? Due to your people pleasing tendencies, well sis, you're not alone. 17 00:02:07,558.27673323 --> 00:02:08,698.27673323 I've been there too. 18 00:02:08,818.27673323 --> 00:02:16,48.27673323 Hey, I'm Danny, a Christian life coach wife, recovering people pleaser, and a total girl's girl. 19 00:02:16,138.27673323 --> 00:02:32,848.27673323 For 10 years I was stuck in a cycle of toxic, non-committed relationships and searching for my worth in men, my accomplishments, and the praise of other people until I found out how to heal my past emotional wounds with Christ at the center. 20 00:02:33,8.27673323 --> 00:02:48,128.27673323 In this podcast, you will find faith-based healing tools, confidence building tips, and healthy relationship skills so that you become a God-fearing, confident woman who attracts your husband while walking in your purpose with God. 21 00:02:48,368.27673323 --> 00:02:51,338.27673323 Grab your favorite mocktail and pop in the AirPods. 22 00:02:51,428.27673323 --> 00:02:55,568.27673323 It's time to overshare and overcome these obstacles together. 23 00:02:55,688.27673323 --> 00:02:57,458.27673323 One step at a time. 24 00:02:58,4.1292478 --> 00:03:05,834.1292478 Now before we dive into the seven truths that I, I wanna unpack today, I wanted to invite you over to our Facebook community. 25 00:03:06,134.1292478 --> 00:03:10,964.1292478 So this is where you can come in and we can dive more into the topic of the week. 26 00:03:10,964.1292478 --> 00:03:25,64.1292478 You can ask questions and then just be around other women of God who are in a very similar season of life as you and my heart for the community is just to hang out, girls coming together and just supporting one another. 27 00:03:25,544.1292478 --> 00:03:28,754.1292478 Praying for one another and just walking alongside you. 28 00:03:28,754.1292478 --> 00:03:37,424.1292478 This is really how Jesus would prefer us to walk, is together in community. 29 00:03:37,424.1292478 --> 00:03:40,514.1292478 We are not meant to walk the faith walk alone. 30 00:03:40,754.1292478 --> 00:03:48,914.1292478 So if you wanna come join us, you can join at BLY slash Heal Toxic Relationships Group. 31 00:03:49,154.1292478 --> 00:03:53,939.1292478 That's BT LY slash Heal Toxic Relationships Group. 32 00:03:56,429.1292478 --> 00:04:00,629.1292478 Now being married for, it's gonna be four years. 33 00:04:00,974.1292478 --> 00:04:26,414.1292478 In November of this year, and I've have definitely experienced all seven of these things within the last four years of marriage and some things I had to really learn to embrace and to understand to then really build on top of that and strengthen mine and jamar's marriage Now. 34 00:04:26,674.1292478 --> 00:04:33,124.1292478 One thing that I love that we did that really laid a beautiful foundation for us is premarital counseling. 35 00:04:33,184.1292478 --> 00:04:39,34.1292478 And so I highly recommend it for absolutely anybody whether you are single right now. 36 00:04:39,64.1292478 --> 00:04:52,414.1292478 And this is just something that I, if I, if I could give you any advice on marriage before you get married, it is to go through a really solid Christian based premarital counseling. 37 00:04:52,414.1292478 --> 00:04:54,964.1292478 If your faith is, is Christian. 38 00:04:55,664.1292478 --> 00:04:57,374.1292478 Um, our path. 39 00:04:57,524.1292478 --> 00:05:00,644.1292478 We weren't even thinking about marriage like. 40 00:05:00,989.1292478 --> 00:05:03,59.1292478 We were already living together at this point. 41 00:05:03,59.1292478 --> 00:05:12,209.1292478 We had, just like after we got married, we were just starting to find God and things we were, I was being starting to be convicted of certain things that we were doing. 42 00:05:12,209.1292478 --> 00:05:22,109.1292478 And this led us to going into the little let's talk room that our church had at the time, and it plopped us into premarital counseling and it was. 43 00:05:22,364.1292478 --> 00:05:23,144.1292478 Absolutely amazing. 44 00:05:23,144.1292478 --> 00:05:27,734.1292478 It was seven weeks at the very beginning of the seven weeks, me and Jamar weren't even thinking about marriage. 45 00:05:27,734.1292478 --> 00:05:29,564.1292478 We were just really growth minded. 46 00:05:29,564.1292478 --> 00:05:33,464.1292478 We were like, oh yeah, this is totally gonna benefit our relationship and help us grow. 47 00:05:33,494.1292478 --> 00:05:40,364.1292478 And then at the end of the seven weeks, we ended up deciding, okay, well let's get married and got married with within the next couple weeks. 48 00:05:40,574.1292478 --> 00:05:41,84.1292478 So. 49 00:05:41,684.1292478 --> 00:05:52,724.1292478 It was super cool, but the, the, the main, the reason I share that is because that laid such a beautiful foundation for us to understand what we were about to enter into. 50 00:05:53,294.1292478 --> 00:06:03,464.1292478 And one of the biggest questions I, I know there's this question around like, okay, how do you know if you're ready for marriage? Like, how do you know if they're the one. 51 00:06:04,109.1292478 --> 00:06:09,29.1292478 Of course, I can't tell you if that is the person for you. 52 00:06:09,29.1292478 --> 00:06:14,249.1292478 Only God can, and you can get confirmation through really important people in your life. 53 00:06:14,249.1292478 --> 00:06:16,19.1292478 But first off, it is the Lord. 54 00:06:16,439.1292478 --> 00:06:19,469.1292478 But our pastor asked me a very specific question. 55 00:06:19,469.1292478 --> 00:06:23,309.1292478 This was towards the end because me and Jamar both had our own fears around marriage. 56 00:06:23,314.1292478 --> 00:06:25,769.1292478 Both different but very present. 57 00:06:26,69.1292478 --> 00:06:31,439.1292478 And he asked us, he said, is you, you wanna ask yourself? 'cause I asked him the same question. 58 00:06:31,439.1292478 --> 00:06:33,29.1292478 He said, you're never really. 59 00:06:33,329.1292478 --> 00:06:34,49.1292478 Ready. 60 00:06:34,649.1292478 --> 00:06:46,589.1292478 But ask yourself, is this the person that you wanna fight with for the rest of your life? And I don't know why, but for me, that question was all that he needed to ask me. 61 00:06:46,589.1292478 --> 00:06:53,669.1292478 I mean, this was after, this was towards the end of of everything, and I was like, just light bulb came off for me. 62 00:06:53,669.1292478 --> 00:06:56,189.1292478 I was like, you know what? Yep, it is. 63 00:06:56,684.1292478 --> 00:06:56,904.1292478 And. 64 00:06:57,644.1292478 --> 00:07:00,14.1292478 That's what made me be like, all right, like, Jamar, I'm ready. 65 00:07:00,284.1292478 --> 00:07:01,724.1292478 And if you're not, then I'm gonna move out. 66 00:07:01,724.1292478 --> 00:07:04,154.1292478 And we like that, that's gonna be it. 67 00:07:04,574.1292478 --> 00:07:14,504.1292478 Um, so I, I, I, I, I, I say that because it, it's, why do I say that? Hold on, let me move into this first one. 68 00:07:16,724.1292478 --> 00:07:17,84.1292478 Um. 69 00:07:22,589.1292478 --> 00:07:31,319.1292478 And that's gonna be one of the points that we talk about today is um, and that's. 70 00:07:32,924.1292478 --> 00:07:42,14.1292478 And now being on the other side, I understand why that was a prevalent question that he, he told me to reflect on. 71 00:07:42,224.1292478 --> 00:07:50,474.1292478 And so I, I really hope that this is a episode that is, I really believe it's gonna bless you and I just wanna dive into it. 72 00:07:50,474.1292478 --> 00:07:55,569.1292478 So this first truth, hold on, hold on. 73 00:07:55,604.1292478 --> 00:07:55,724.1292478 Wait. 74 00:07:55,934.1292478 --> 00:07:56,174.1292478 Okay. 75 00:08:01,259.1292478 --> 00:08:09,449.1292478 And fast forward, you know, four years later almost, I now understand the prevalence of that. 76 00:08:09,449.1292478 --> 00:08:10,529.1292478 No, not the prevalence. 77 00:08:12,299.1292478 --> 00:08:19,619.1292478 And now fast forward four years, almost later, I understand the importance of that question. 78 00:08:19,619.1292478 --> 00:08:24,389.1292478 It's so much depth to it and it's because. 79 00:08:24,899.1292478 --> 00:08:31,829.1292478 You choosing to be, this is the, the, the most important decision of your life, right after giving your life to Christ. 80 00:08:32,789.1292478 --> 00:08:40,139.1292478 Because the person that you marry is going to determine if you fulfill God's calling over your life. 81 00:08:40,379.1292478 --> 00:08:47,9.1292478 I mean, it's, it has a huge impact on you mentally, spiritually, emotionally, physically, financially, everything. 82 00:08:47,99.1292478 --> 00:08:50,264.1292478 And so you definitely don't wanna take it lightly and. 83 00:08:50,809.1292478 --> 00:09:06,619.1292478 You wanna set yourself up for success and, and understand what's going to happen when you, when you place two imperfect people together and on this journey of living together, of loving one another, of choosing one another, of serving one another. 84 00:09:07,39.1292478 --> 00:09:11,299.1292478 And so lemme just dive into the, to our seven points 'cause they're just so good. 85 00:09:11,929.1292478 --> 00:09:19,519.1292478 So this first, this first truth that people don't tell you when you get married and choosing your life partner is. 86 00:09:19,829.1292478 --> 00:09:23,909.1292478 Your childhood wounds are going to resurface. 87 00:09:24,179.1292478 --> 00:09:38,159.1292478 Your partner is going to unintentionally mirror the unhealed places of your heart, so old hurts, things from past relationships, your insecurities, and also your false beliefs that you thought. 88 00:09:38,699.1292478 --> 00:09:45,359.1292478 You have rewired your, your mind around, they're all going to resurface and you're gonna be faced with them. 89 00:09:45,959.1292478 --> 00:09:55,139.1292478 Marriage, and I'm sure you, maybe you've heard this from your married friends, but marriage is the ultimate mirror relationship. 90 00:09:55,934.1292478 --> 00:10:05,384.1292478 Because this is a person that you spend most of your time with more than likely, right? And on all levels, right? They see the ugly parts of you. 91 00:10:05,384.1292478 --> 00:10:10,34.1292478 They see when you, uh, make a decision to do something, and then you fall short of it. 92 00:10:10,34.1292478 --> 00:10:15,794.1292478 They see everything and they're going to mirror unintentionally. 93 00:10:15,794.1292478 --> 00:10:17,114.1292478 They're going to mirror. 94 00:10:17,714.1292478 --> 00:10:20,444.1292478 The, the parts of you, they're gonna mirror you. 95 00:10:21,44.1292478 --> 00:10:26,504.1292478 And it's, it's, it's truly a, you can look at it as a negative, but. 96 00:10:27,479.1292478 --> 00:10:34,559.1292478 I encourage you like, this is, this is a good thing, and a it places a even more importance of the person that you marry. 97 00:10:34,589.1292478 --> 00:10:41,909.1292478 Okay? Are they a safe person? Are they a secure person? That's a whole nother conversation, but this mirror being held up to you. 98 00:10:42,239.1292478 --> 00:10:51,680.17860715 It helps you refine yourself and go on this journey of surrendering your heart and the un inhaled parts of you over to God. 99 00:10:51,931.30113502 --> 00:11:00,931.30113502 So how you make this a good thing is when your partner, when you experience these triggers, because that's what's gonna happen when these childhood wounds resurface. 100 00:11:01,231.30113502 --> 00:11:02,671.30113502 You feel this triggering. 101 00:11:02,671.30113502 --> 00:11:12,241.30113502 You feel anger or deep sadness or angst or some type of emotion coming up out of you when your partner does something that. 102 00:11:13,411.30113502 --> 00:11:16,291.30113502 That triggers an old child unhealed childhood wound. 103 00:11:16,681.30113502 --> 00:11:30,121.30113502 So when this happens, what you can do, this is for you to reflect on in your own time and then come back and have that conversation with your partner around what it was that triggered you and why you think so, or just letting them know, Hey. 104 00:11:30,406.30113502 --> 00:11:31,906.30113502 I am working through this. 105 00:11:31,906.30113502 --> 00:11:44,986.30113502 I don't know why I'm feeling this way, but I just wanted to bring you in and let you know as I am working on healing this area, and then you can identify what needs you, you need from him, from, from her, from your partner. 106 00:11:45,271.30113502 --> 00:12:02,701.30113502 And then this is, this is why it's so important to have a true partner, somebody who is not going to tug and continue to target and trigger you on purpose, make you angry on purpose, and provoke you, but somebody that is truly going to walk alongside you as you are healing on your own with the Lord. 107 00:12:03,451.30113502 --> 00:12:10,201.30113502 Okay? The second truth is love is a choice. 108 00:12:10,351.30113502 --> 00:12:12,241.30113502 It is not a feeling. 109 00:12:13,111.30113502 --> 00:12:24,211.30113502 And I'm glad that I, or for me, I am seeing this being brought more to light, but I don't know in your realm and your world and your reality of, if you're hearing this a lot. 110 00:12:24,481.30113502 --> 00:12:27,931.30113502 Um, I do also know that whenever I was younger I. 111 00:12:28,151.30113502 --> 00:12:32,381.30113502 Before this, I just believe this love was a feeling. 112 00:12:32,381.30113502 --> 00:12:33,791.30113502 It's the way that you felt. 113 00:12:34,91.30113502 --> 00:12:43,121.30113502 And if I didn't feel good on one day about, about the relationship or you know, he did something that made me upset. 114 00:12:43,121.30113502 --> 00:12:47,201.30113502 That was a huge like downfall I had looking for any out. 115 00:12:47,551.30113502 --> 00:12:54,1.30113502 But I had to, and this happened whenever I really gave my life to Christ and, and understood God's love. 116 00:12:54,481.30113502 --> 00:12:56,881.30113502 But love is truly a choice. 117 00:12:57,241.30113502 --> 00:13:03,631.30113502 Some days you're gonna wake up feeling like you are head over heels in love over this guy. 118 00:13:04,306.30113502 --> 00:13:10,576.30113502 And then other days you'll have to discipline yourself to love anyway. 119 00:13:10,996.30113502 --> 00:13:13,126.30113502 And love is an action. 120 00:13:13,126.30113502 --> 00:13:17,956.30113502 When we look at our example, Jesus, he didn't just say, God didn't even God the father. 121 00:13:18,16.30113502 --> 00:13:20,26.30113502 He didn't just say, oh, I love you guys. 122 00:13:20,56.30113502 --> 00:13:25,456.30113502 No, he sent his one and only son to die on the cross for our sins for once and for all that. 123 00:13:25,706.30113502 --> 00:13:28,316.30113502 Was him putting love into action. 124 00:13:28,496.30113502 --> 00:13:33,236.30113502 Why does God tell us to forgive? That is putting love into action. 125 00:13:33,236.30113502 --> 00:13:39,836.30113502 Why does God tell us to serve? That is putting love into action because we love him, or actually because he first loved us. 126 00:13:39,836.30113502 --> 00:13:46,976.30113502 We love him and then therefore we choose to do the things that He's called us to do, to be a true disciple of his. 127 00:13:47,36.30113502 --> 00:13:54,266.30113502 And so if God is, is, is showing us what love is, why would we. 128 00:13:56,341.30113502 --> 00:14:01,651.30113502 Water down love into something that is just a fleeting feeling. 129 00:14:02,281.30113502 --> 00:14:08,11.30113502 This is one of the, probably the biggest reasons why mar half marriages end up in divorce. 130 00:14:08,41.30113502 --> 00:14:18,301.30113502 There's so many reasons, but this is, it is because these people don't understand that love is a choice and it's a choice that you make daily. 131 00:14:18,886.30113502 --> 00:14:19,846.30113502 It's a commitment. 132 00:14:19,846.30113502 --> 00:14:23,416.30113502 It is a covenant to one another. 133 00:14:23,806.30113502 --> 00:14:30,436.30113502 Real marriage is built on decisions that you make daily and not on emotion. 134 00:14:31,484.92856689 --> 00:14:32,654.92856689 It's a huge one. 135 00:14:33,764.92856689 --> 00:14:55,994.92856689 So how you do this is you truly, I I think one of the biggest, uh, pieces of, of advice that, that I still remember within the premarital counseling was whoever serves the other per whoever outs, serves, or no, how did he put it? He said, if you both make it your goal to OutServe the other person, you will both have a great marriage. 136 00:14:57,539.92856689 --> 00:15:06,599.92856689 Making it your goal to how can I OutServe my partner when b, when that's both of y'all's focuses, the marriage is going to flourish. 137 00:15:07,529.92856689 --> 00:15:20,579.92856689 The greatest among you is the greatest is the servant From those are Jesus' words is the servant, and this mar marriage is a reflection of Jesus and his church, his bride. 138 00:15:21,719.92856689 --> 00:15:23,459.92856689 So it's a choice, not a feeling. 139 00:15:24,704.92856689 --> 00:15:25,574.92856689 Number three. 140 00:15:25,574.92856689 --> 00:15:35,414.92856689 This one is so big and very, very prevalent in mine and jamar's marriage because we came from two completely different backgrounds. 141 00:15:35,654.92856689 --> 00:15:41,54.92856689 We had similar mothers, but we had a completely different upbringing. 142 00:15:41,54.92856689 --> 00:15:51,524.92856689 I mean, he's experienced things in whenever he was a young child that I will probably never experience in my life or prayerfully that I'll never experience in my life, but. 143 00:15:51,714.92856689 --> 00:15:53,964.92856689 I truly don't think I'll ever experience it in my life. 144 00:15:54,54.92856689 --> 00:16:04,674.92856689 And so this, this truth number three is when you marry somebody, you're not just marrying them, you're marrying into their family story. 145 00:16:05,694.92856689 --> 00:16:06,564.92856689 And what I mean by this. 146 00:16:07,499.92856689 --> 00:16:29,9.92856689 Their family culture, their family's love language, the way that your partner has experienced love or has not experienced love, and how they, and how, how he, he grew up in, in his childhood with, with pain, with handling conflict, you're marrying a whole ecosystem of. 147 00:16:29,349.92856689 --> 00:16:38,649.92856689 Of, of generational trauma, um, how everything that your partner has experienced, you're marrying into that. 148 00:16:38,829.92856689 --> 00:16:42,819.9285669 Okay? And so how this helps you is. 149 00:16:43,964.9285669 --> 00:16:58,664.9285669 Whenever you guys do end up having conflict or you guys are not seeing eye to eye on something, you have to understand that not everybody is going to think the same way that you do because they have different upbringings and experiences. 150 00:16:58,694.9285669 --> 00:17:11,804.9285669 And with me and Jamar having grown up to completely on, so opposite sides, excuse me, opposite sides of the spectrum, I have to understand that where he's coming from, lemme give you an example. 151 00:17:11,804.9285669 --> 00:17:12,164.9285669 So. 152 00:17:12,644.9285669 --> 00:17:18,854.9285669 Two ways that we have been polar opposites is he is very, um. 153 00:17:19,754.9285669 --> 00:17:31,604.9285669 What's the word he like? He's very on top of things when it comes to like being protective and like overly so, because he grew up where he always, he didn't know if he was gonna get in a fight that day or get jumped that day. 154 00:17:31,604.9285669 --> 00:17:35,114.9285669 Like that was that, that was his life. 155 00:17:35,384.9285669 --> 00:17:36,794.9285669 I've never had a worry about that. 156 00:17:36,794.9285669 --> 00:17:38,594.9285669 I've never seen anybody get shot before. 157 00:17:38,594.9285669 --> 00:17:40,304.9285669 I've never seen any of that happening. 158 00:17:40,304.9285669 --> 00:17:41,384.9285669 And that was his daily life. 159 00:17:41,384.9285669 --> 00:17:43,814.9285669 That was his environment for all of his childhood. 160 00:17:44,114.9285669 --> 00:17:46,874.9285669 And so he is on alert. 161 00:17:47,269.9285669 --> 00:17:51,529.9285669 All the time, and I'm on the complete opposite side of the spectrum. 162 00:17:51,529.9285669 --> 00:17:52,879.9285669 I trust everybody. 163 00:17:53,149.9285669 --> 00:17:59,929.9285669 I am, am just, I'm, I'm, you can kind of say I'm borderline gullible and, and naive in a way when it comes to that. 164 00:17:59,929.9285669 --> 00:18:04,609.9285669 Just because I believe the best in people and when people do evil things, it doesn't make sense to me. 165 00:18:04,939.9285669 --> 00:18:05,269.9285669 Um. 166 00:18:05,909.9285669 --> 00:18:07,979.9285669 But for him, he's, that was what he grew up with. 167 00:18:08,9.9285669 --> 00:18:17,819.9285669 And so instead of making fun of him or him making fun of me, we see our opposites in this both as strengths. 168 00:18:17,819.9285669 --> 00:18:28,859.9285669 And now because of him, I have also become more alert and aware, um, knowing how to protect myself, knowing what to look around for, taking, um, inventory of my environments. 169 00:18:29,39.9285669 --> 00:18:31,199.9285669 And he has become. 170 00:18:31,979.9285669 --> 00:18:33,809.9285669 I don't really, I wouldn't say less alert. 171 00:18:33,809.9285669 --> 00:18:37,679.9285669 He is, he is on, on P for sure, if that's the way that you say it. 172 00:18:37,679.9285669 --> 00:18:38,309.9285669 I think it is. 173 00:18:38,639.9285669 --> 00:18:48,239.9285669 Um, but he's become less anxious when it comes to that and a little bit more peaceful, um, in knowing that, okay, the Lord is with us. 174 00:18:48,839.9285669 --> 00:18:50,909.9285669 So that's just an exam example. 175 00:18:51,149.9285669 --> 00:18:53,789.9285669 You're not, you're not just marrying the individual. 176 00:18:53,789.9285669 --> 00:19:00,239.9285669 You're marrying into how they grew up, their upbringing and into their family story. 177 00:19:00,531.0381381 --> 00:19:14,406.22582 And knowing this is going to help you guys just appreciate one another more and look at the other person with more compassion and grace when you guys do have conflicting ideas or opinions. 178 00:19:15,169.0903174 --> 00:19:15,619.0903174 Okay. 179 00:19:15,739.0903174 --> 00:19:16,879.0903174 Truth number four. 180 00:19:17,40.5192503 --> 00:19:23,190.5192503 This is a big one, especially for my women who have abandonment wounds. 181 00:19:23,550.5192503 --> 00:19:37,200.5192503 Um, and you feel like anxious when your partner doesn't answer you, or, um, you wanna have all your partner's time understand that loneliness is your. 182 00:19:37,300.5192503 --> 00:19:45,10.5192503 Work and being married and having your life partner is not going to make you feel less alone. 183 00:19:45,10.5192503 --> 00:19:54,760.5192503 It's not gonna cure your loneliness, and it's not up to your partner to, to cure the loneliness either. 184 00:19:55,570.5192503 --> 00:19:58,780.5192503 This, this feeling of loneliness is your work. 185 00:19:59,200.5192503 --> 00:20:01,240.5192503 Okay? Your spouse cannot feel. 186 00:20:01,980.5192503 --> 00:20:04,860.5192503 Cannot fill every loneliness void. 187 00:20:05,100.5192503 --> 00:20:10,770.5192503 It's only by God and your own healthy self relationship with yourself that can. 188 00:20:11,610.5192503 --> 00:20:19,110.5192503 So expecting them to feel these void voids that you have sets you both up for burnout and resentment. 189 00:20:19,140.5192503 --> 00:20:21,450.5192503 Okay? It's going to tear you guys apart. 190 00:20:22,245.5192503 --> 00:20:30,915.5192503 And so what you need to do is you need to ask yourself, okay, do I sometimes feel lonely? This was something that I experienced and I still do. 191 00:20:30,945.5192503 --> 00:20:38,175.5192503 Depending on, honestly, depending on my cycle and where I'm at within my cycle on my period days and coming out of it. 192 00:20:38,205.5192503 --> 00:20:38,835.5192503 Oh my gosh. 193 00:20:38,835.5192503 --> 00:20:40,695.5192503 I'm like, yeah, I'm lonely. 194 00:20:41,325.5192503 --> 00:20:41,925.5192503 Um. 195 00:20:42,155.5192503 --> 00:20:44,225.5192503 But that's pretty natural. 196 00:20:44,555.5192503 --> 00:20:47,435.5192503 But you wanna cultivate your sacred alone time. 197 00:20:47,435.5192503 --> 00:21:08,475.5192503 So is it like a beautiful morning routine or a great night routine? How can you pour into yourself? How can you enjoy your own company? Is it just simply taking a walk, implementing something fun that you can look forward to that's just you and yourself, or you and the Lord, and learn to delight in the company of God and you? Right. 198 00:21:08,865.5192503 --> 00:21:13,125.5192503 Start doing things on your own to build up that muscle. 199 00:21:13,442.9776967 --> 00:21:19,373.7824966 and also having women's groups and joining small groups is a great way to, to do this too. 200 00:21:20,693.7824966 --> 00:21:20,933.7824966 All right. 201 00:21:20,933.7824966 --> 00:21:33,923.7824966 The fifth truth, and this is gonna be hard for a lot of, a lot of people, but you have to know and understand that your partner is not always going to get you. 202 00:21:34,898.7824966 --> 00:21:46,868.7824966 And, you know, being understood is a basic human desire and for some people a need, right? Needing to feel understood. 203 00:21:47,288.7824966 --> 00:21:55,568.7824966 Um, probably because you didn't feel that way as a child and you felt neglected in that way, like nobody understood you or heard you out. 204 00:21:55,628.7824966 --> 00:21:57,668.7824966 And so that's a trigger point for you. 205 00:21:58,291.3069419 --> 00:22:03,241.3069419 But know that misunderstanding and disappointment is going to happen. 206 00:22:03,616.3069419 --> 00:22:17,26.3069419 Again, you're bringing in two imperfect people into this relationship, into this marriage, and so of course this person is not ever not going to disappoint you, and y'all are never not going to have a misunderstanding. 207 00:22:17,566.3069419 --> 00:22:24,796.3069419 This is something me and whenever we're, we have a misunder, we have misunderstandings, and we also have, we don't have many. 208 00:22:24,796.3069419 --> 00:22:29,686.3069419 I think we might have had like two times where we had to like agree to disagree. 209 00:22:30,346.3069419 --> 00:22:33,526.3069419 You know, you're, you and your partner are not gonna agree on absolutely everything. 210 00:22:33,526.3069419 --> 00:22:34,816.3069419 You're not gonna have the same opinions. 211 00:22:34,816.3069419 --> 00:22:46,96.3069419 And again, this goes back to um, point number three, right? We are two completely different people and we're not always going to fully understand the other person. 212 00:22:46,158.4703647 --> 00:22:58,638.4703647 And expecting them to always get you is just gonna lead to arguments and you feeling like your partner is, is distant or, or, or you sitting in that, ugh, I'm just, they don't get me. 213 00:22:58,638.4703647 --> 00:22:59,988.4703647 They don't understand me. 214 00:22:59,988.4703647 --> 00:23:02,628.4703647 And it just makes you sit there and loath in that. 215 00:23:03,228.4703647 --> 00:23:09,663.4703647 But when you can change your perspective and understand that growth happens in the gaps between. 216 00:23:10,458.4703647 --> 00:23:23,268.4703647 Your intentions and their perceptions, and so in conversation when you guys aren't seeing eye, eye or you know they're misunderstanding something that you did, or vice versa, practice. 217 00:23:23,628.4703647 --> 00:23:25,998.4703647 Okay? Just so I, I can hear you. 218 00:23:26,118.4703647 --> 00:23:27,888.4703647 Help me understand what you're feeling right now. 219 00:23:27,888.4703647 --> 00:23:29,328.4703647 Help me understand that. 220 00:23:29,718.4703647 --> 00:23:35,748.4703647 And this is how you guys come together and learn more about your partner. 221 00:23:36,48.4703647 --> 00:23:36,678.4703647 And so. 222 00:23:37,443.4703647 --> 00:23:39,423.4703647 Saying, grab this line. 223 00:23:39,423.4703647 --> 00:23:42,123.4703647 Like I, I see, and I see why that hurt you. 224 00:23:42,338.4703647 --> 00:23:46,893.4703647 I, I see why you thought that. 225 00:23:47,463.4703647 --> 00:23:49,323.4703647 Okay, I see why you fell that way. 226 00:23:49,713.4703647 --> 00:23:52,593.4703647 And then you got, this creates beautiful open conversation. 227 00:23:52,593.4703647 --> 00:23:55,623.4703647 These are just simple things that not a lot of couples have. 228 00:23:55,788.4703647 --> 00:23:59,253.4703647 Okay? We just wanna throw it under the rug and act like it didn't happen. 229 00:23:59,283.4703647 --> 00:24:02,43.4703647 And then that's just gonna build up resentment. 230 00:24:02,463.4703647 --> 00:24:02,883.4703647 So. 231 00:24:03,213.4703647 --> 00:24:09,273.4703647 Those are just some practical things that you can implement whenever you find yourself being misunderstood in your relationship. 232 00:24:10,83.4703647 --> 00:24:29,823.4703647 And now moving to six, the sixth truth, and this is, this honestly, probably should have been number one, this is the most important, and this is spiritual Maturity matters the most and hear me when I say it doesn't matter if they go to church and they read their Bible. 233 00:24:30,588.4703647 --> 00:24:33,258.4703647 Or they believe in God. 234 00:24:33,768.4703647 --> 00:24:35,988.4703647 Okay? Believing in God is not enough. 235 00:24:36,198.4703647 --> 00:24:43,548.4703647 Even the fricking, even the demons believe in God, believe that, believe in God. 236 00:24:43,578.4703647 --> 00:24:44,808.4703647 They know that there's a God. 237 00:24:45,183.4703647 --> 00:24:46,803.4703647 No, believing in God is not enough. 238 00:24:46,803.4703647 --> 00:24:56,673.4703647 You need a partner whose identity is rooted in Jesus, not in a religion, just claiming that they're a Christian because they grew up in church or their family's a Christian, and that's just what they've adopted. 239 00:24:56,703.4703647 --> 00:24:57,33.4703647 No. 240 00:24:57,33.4703647 --> 00:25:06,63.4703647 Do they have a real relationship with Jesus? Do, do they fear the Lord and love the Lord? This is a non-negotiable. 241 00:25:06,738.4703647 --> 00:25:10,638.4703647 God tells us, do not be unequally yoked with a non-believer. 242 00:25:10,638.4703647 --> 00:25:17,718.4703647 This goes for marriage and trust me, this is going to save you so much heartache and a headache later down the line. 243 00:25:17,988.4703647 --> 00:25:23,868.4703647 You, I do not, do not settle with this one. 244 00:25:24,348.4703647 --> 00:25:35,58.4703647 There's don't think to yourself, oh, well, all the good men are taken or all like, the good believers are taken, or, you know, I, I, I just, I just really believe like. 245 00:25:35,643.4703647 --> 00:25:37,683.4703647 Like this is an exception. 246 00:25:38,283.4703647 --> 00:25:43,83.4703647 The reason why God gives us commands and gives us his word, yeah. 247 00:25:43,83.4703647 --> 00:25:45,393.4703647 His commands is to protect us. 248 00:25:45,393.4703647 --> 00:25:53,673.4703647 So if, just understand that our understanding and God's understanding are completely two different things and. 249 00:25:54,303.4703647 --> 00:25:59,313.4703647 The his reasoning and the why, he gives us certain commands. 250 00:25:59,313.4703647 --> 00:26:12,573.4703647 Even if we don't understand it or don't agree with it, it's fine if we don't agree with it, but we, we must choose our, our, our belief and faith in God is gonna triumph our opinions. 251 00:26:12,723.4703647 --> 00:26:18,202.4295153 When our opinions go against the word of God, only a Christ-centered spouse. 252 00:26:18,703.7016963 --> 00:26:25,333.7016963 One who loves and fears, the Lord is going to look to the cross as the model for how to love you. 253 00:26:25,903.7016963 --> 00:26:30,763.7016963 They're going to look at Jesus as their example, and this is what you want. 254 00:26:31,33.7016963 --> 00:26:36,193.7016963 You do not want somebody who does not, who is not looking to Jesus. 255 00:26:36,547.0775865 --> 00:26:46,514.4904076 a practical thing here is look for the fruit and date somebody long enough to see if they're faking or to see if they're real. 256 00:26:46,514.4904076 --> 00:27:00,254.3107287 And asking questions like, you know, what does your quiet time look like? How do you fight temptation when nobody's looking? asking them what their relationship with the Lord is like, and you're gonna have discernment and seeing their heart and how much they love Jesus. 257 00:27:00,254.3107287 --> 00:27:02,264.3107287 Like it really should be out there. 258 00:27:02,684.3107287 --> 00:27:11,594.3107287 Okay? Um, but definitely looking for the fruits of the spirit, like love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, um, self-control. 259 00:27:11,594.3107287 --> 00:27:12,584.3107287 I'm missing one. 260 00:27:13,34.3107287 --> 00:27:19,4.3107287 Joy that are going, that's gonna be the byproduct of them spending time with the Lord. 261 00:27:19,4.3107287 --> 00:27:25,4.3107287 And you already know, you can tell when somebody's been sitting with God for a minute, like they just exude Christ. 262 00:27:25,814.3107287 --> 00:27:27,254.3107287 And I can stay on that one. 263 00:27:27,314.3107287 --> 00:27:29,144.3107287 That can be a whole nother episode in itself. 264 00:27:29,294.3107287 --> 00:27:32,804.3107287 But I do wanna wrap up here with the final point, the seventh one. 265 00:27:33,194.3107287 --> 00:27:40,694.3107287 And this is gonna be a skill that is so important and it's a skill of learning how to fight fair. 266 00:27:41,384.3107287 --> 00:27:49,724.3107287 This is something that you must learn when you choose your life partner when you move into marriage, is learning how to fight fair. 267 00:27:50,114.3107287 --> 00:28:01,672.6757994 Because if you don't, if you don't learn how to fight fair, you're gonna start calling your other, your partner names, and you're gonna create so many more wounds that can be completely avoided. 268 00:28:01,852.6757994 --> 00:28:04,42.6757994 You cannot take words back. 269 00:28:04,822.6757994 --> 00:28:13,912.6757994 So when anytime you say something that you don't mean, or you act out of anger, you are cutting into their heart and those are things that you cannot take back. 270 00:28:14,332.6757994 --> 00:28:24,292.6757994 And no, again, back to what my, my pastor asked, he said, is this the person that you wanna fight with for the rest of your life? How did I know? How is it in easy? Yes for me, because I. 271 00:28:24,862.6757994 --> 00:28:27,82.6757994 Saw how Jamar loved me. 272 00:28:27,382.6757994 --> 00:28:32,2.6757994 He, he, he, he, he didn't act out of, out of anger. 273 00:28:32,152.6757994 --> 00:28:41,362.6757994 He knew his capacity and he would make wise decisions of, okay, I need to exit this conversation and cool off before coming back. 274 00:28:41,422.6757994 --> 00:28:47,452.6757994 And he was the first man that I had experienced. 275 00:28:47,827.6757994 --> 00:28:56,287.6757994 Apologizing, like just apologizing and owning up to the way that I felt or what he did that made me feel a certain way. 276 00:28:56,287.6757994 --> 00:29:09,757.6757994 Even if he didn't understand and he had to actually teach me, this was something he had to teach me that you know what I, I would, I would appreciate for you to not have to understand before apologizing to me. 277 00:29:10,582.6757994 --> 00:29:14,932.6757994 Just the fact that what you did made me feel a certain way, I would appreciate an apology. 278 00:29:14,932.6757994 --> 00:29:16,132.6757994 That's what I'm looking for. 279 00:29:16,372.6757994 --> 00:29:29,812.6757994 And for me, I used to like really need to understand why what I did affected him and yada yada yada, and have him explain everything when he was just looking for an apology, even without me understanding. 280 00:29:30,292.6757994 --> 00:29:31,822.6757994 And so that was something he taught me. 281 00:29:32,482.6757994 --> 00:29:36,172.6757994 And so don't believe this myth that this perfect husband. 282 00:29:36,517.6757994 --> 00:29:37,747.6757994 We'll never argue with you. 283 00:29:37,747.6757994 --> 00:29:39,67.6757994 They'll never be conflict. 284 00:29:39,67.6757994 --> 00:29:40,897.6757994 You guys will never clash. 285 00:29:41,737.6757994 --> 00:29:53,287.6757994 Conflict can be a gift when handled with respect and curiosity because it draws boundaries and it deepens intimacy with your partner. 286 00:29:53,287.6757994 --> 00:29:55,507.6757994 It brings you guys closer together. 287 00:29:56,107.6757994 --> 00:30:01,27.6757994 And so some of these fighting fair rules is, is you guys both set ground rules. 288 00:30:01,717.6757994 --> 00:30:05,467.6757994 So what are those ground rules gonna be? It's definitely no name calling. 289 00:30:05,467.6757994 --> 00:30:06,787.6757994 That should be for everybody. 290 00:30:07,267.6757994 --> 00:30:17,677.6757994 It's no stonewalling, no leaving, um, without having a set time where we're gonna come back, no walking away without expressing that you're about to walk away. 291 00:30:17,677.6757994 --> 00:30:23,557.6757994 Like what are gonna be the ground rules? Um, using timeouts if things are getting heated. 292 00:30:23,887.6757994 --> 00:30:24,157.6757994 Alright. 293 00:30:24,157.6757994 --> 00:30:26,707.6757994 Agree to pause and pray together. 294 00:30:27,367.6757994 --> 00:30:32,707.6757994 And, and walk away and cool off before words start to just spew out. 295 00:30:32,707.6757994 --> 00:30:34,147.6757994 Right? We gotta tame that tongue. 296 00:30:35,482.6757994 --> 00:30:44,182.6757994 Um, and I've, I've seen some like fun ones where people will, like, if they wanna talk about something, they'll argue in like an accent or something. 297 00:30:44,242.6757994 --> 00:30:46,732.6757994 That's something that I actually said the next time that we're gonna try. 298 00:30:46,732.6757994 --> 00:30:48,412.6757994 I thought that was such a fun idea. 299 00:30:48,712.6757994 --> 00:30:52,882.6757994 My pastor said one time that they did was they were. 300 00:30:53,207.6757994 --> 00:30:59,807.6757994 Discussing something, and it was up until three in the morning, so they just decided to strip naked and finish the conversation. 301 00:30:59,807.6757994 --> 00:31:07,757.6757994 And he said it, it, that quickened the, the argument and allowed them to get to a, um, a compromise. 302 00:31:07,817.6757994 --> 00:31:15,47.6757994 And so just having, having fun with it and laying out these ground rules and just know that conflict's going to arise, so don't. 303 00:31:15,382.6757994 --> 00:31:24,322.6757994 Don't deem it as, as something that is a reason for a sign for the relationship not being a good a, a good one. 304 00:31:24,817.6757994 --> 00:31:29,197.6757994 Okay, this is not talking about like abuse and, and, and any of that. 305 00:31:29,197.6757994 --> 00:31:32,557.6757994 No abuse is a red flag, period. 306 00:31:32,557.6757994 --> 00:31:33,457.6757994 Point blank. 307 00:31:33,517.6757994 --> 00:31:37,177.6757994 That is definitely indication somebody that you do not wanna be with. 308 00:31:37,507.6757994 --> 00:31:39,817.6757994 Um, but fighting is. 309 00:31:40,107.6757994 --> 00:31:43,377.6757994 Is, is having just healthy conversation and communication. 310 00:31:43,407.6757994 --> 00:31:43,677.6757994 Okay. 311 00:31:43,677.6757994 --> 00:31:51,867.6757994 It just, it just happens when something happened that the other person perceived in a, in a different way or you guys will go through really hard times. 312 00:31:52,107.6757994 --> 00:31:58,587.6757994 Um, and so just really learning how to fight fair is gonna be so beneficial necessary for your marriage. 313 00:31:59,187.6757994 --> 00:31:59,487.6757994 Okay. 314 00:31:59,727.6757994 --> 00:32:02,847.6757994 I know this is kind of a lengthy one, just to do a quick recap. 315 00:32:03,237.6757994 --> 00:32:07,227.6757994 Number one, your childhood wounds will resurface. 316 00:32:07,257.6757994 --> 00:32:19,47.6757994 Your relationship is going to be a mirror into the unhealed parts of yourself, and you can use it to actually help heal your soul in partnership with the Lord. 317 00:32:19,272.6757994 --> 00:32:20,652.6757994 And your partner. 318 00:32:21,102.6757994 --> 00:32:23,712.6757994 Number two, love is a choice. 319 00:32:23,862.6757994 --> 00:32:25,632.6757994 It is not a feeling. 320 00:32:25,812.6757994 --> 00:32:36,312.6757994 God demonstrated love through action, and this is how we are to love our spouse, our partners, is through servanthood and through action. 321 00:32:36,672.6757994 --> 00:32:45,822.6757994 You're not going to feel like loving your partner every single day, so don't look for you to feel like you need to be in this honeymoon stage all the time. 322 00:32:46,122.6757994 --> 00:32:49,242.6757994 Even though you really can, you can be in a honeymoon stage. 323 00:32:49,572.6757994 --> 00:32:55,242.6757994 Me and Jamar, I feel like we're still in a honeymoon stage, but we have had off days, we've had bad days. 324 00:32:55,482.6757994 --> 00:33:00,12.6757994 And you choosing just understanding that love is a choice. 325 00:33:00,12.6757994 --> 00:33:04,122.6757994 It is not a feeling is gonna save you a lot of heartache. 326 00:33:04,887.6757994 --> 00:33:19,617.6757994 Number three, you marry not just the individual, but you marry into their entire family story, generational traumas, cultures, the way that they saw conflict, um, the way that they were loved or not loved. 327 00:33:19,617.6757994 --> 00:33:22,407.6757994 You're marrying into that number four. 328 00:33:22,627.6757994 --> 00:33:24,877.6757994 Loneliness is your work. 329 00:33:25,57.6757994 --> 00:33:26,227.6757994 It is not theirs. 330 00:33:26,227.6757994 --> 00:33:30,187.6757994 This is, this is not for them to to fill any void. 331 00:33:30,187.6757994 --> 00:33:34,567.6757994 Expecting them to complete you is gonna set both of you guys up for burnout and resentment. 332 00:33:34,957.6757994 --> 00:33:40,477.6757994 Loneliness is your work that you handle with God and in the relationship with yourself. 333 00:33:41,17.6757994 --> 00:33:45,187.6757994 Number five, your partner is not always going to get you. 334 00:33:45,427.6757994 --> 00:33:47,947.6757994 Misunderstanding and disappointment will happen. 335 00:33:47,947.6757994 --> 00:33:48,817.6757994 It is normal. 336 00:33:49,527.6757994 --> 00:33:54,477.6757994 Number six, spiritual maturity matters the most in the relationship. 337 00:33:54,687.6757994 --> 00:33:55,977.6757994 Believing in God is not enough. 338 00:33:55,977.6757994 --> 00:33:59,157.6757994 You need a partner who fears the Lord and loves the Lord Jesus. 339 00:33:59,187.6757994 --> 00:34:00,597.6757994 And number seven. 340 00:34:01,2.6757994 --> 00:34:04,62.6757994 You've got to learn how to learn how to fight fair. 341 00:34:04,62.6757994 --> 00:34:10,932.6757994 This is a skillset that is going to benefit your marriage, and it is a huge necessity in having a healthy marriage. 342 00:34:11,338.3204606 --> 00:34:14,43.0721247 This was definitely a, a very, packed episode. 343 00:34:14,43.0721247 --> 00:34:15,603.0721247 I pray that it blesses you. 344 00:34:15,603.0721247 --> 00:34:16,863.0721247 Share it with a friend. 345 00:34:17,133.0721247 --> 00:34:29,793.0721247 If someone came up for you, as I'm going through these points, and again, you can join our online community at B ly slash Heal Toxic Relationships Group. 346 00:34:29,983.0721247 --> 00:34:35,863.0721247 If you're needing a little more, if you would like an online community just to sisterhood, to bond with. 347 00:34:36,68.0721247 --> 00:34:40,454.573768 To have, somebody to pray over you and just to walk with you in this journey. 348 00:34:40,814.573768 --> 00:34:43,814.573768 I love you, and I'll see you back here same day. 349 00:34:43,844.573768 --> 00:34:45,134.573768 Same place next week. 350 00:34:45,404.573768 --> 00:34:45,524.573768 Bye. 351 00:34:45,948.0100798 --> 00:34:46,878.0100798 Hey, beautiful. 352 00:34:46,878.0100798 --> 00:34:50,478.0100798 I hope you loved hanging with me today and enjoyed the episode. 353 00:34:50,748.0100798 --> 00:35:05,148.0100798 If so, would you take just 30 seconds and share it with someone you love who may also want to heal from past relationships and love themselves again? Also, please scroll down and leave a quick written review for the show on Apple Podcasts. 354 00:35:05,238.0100798 --> 00:35:10,308.0100798 This is the main way we can get this message out to our girlfriends all around the world. 355 00:35:10,553.0100798 --> 00:35:15,953.0100798 And it also just really blesses me to know and hear how this podcast is helping you. 356 00:35:16,13.0100798 --> 00:35:19,103.0100798 Okay, I need to get outta my sweats and get ready for date night. 357 00:35:19,253.0100798 --> 00:35:22,313.0100798 I'll meet you back here on Monday for another episode. 358 00:35:22,433.0100798 --> 00:35:24,53.0100798 Sending you all the love. 359 00:35:24,113.0100798 --> 00:35:25,253.0100798 Until next time.