October 16, 2024 • 23 mins
Hi beautiful! ♥️
Feeling torn between giving your relationship another shot or walking away? I get it—it’s tough to know if those issues are fixable or if you’re dealing with serious red flags. Are you asking yourself, "Am I giving up too early?" or "Is this something I should be worried about?" Don’t worry, sis, I’ve got you covered!
In this episode, we’re diving deep into those confusing red flags and how to tell the difference between what’s workable and what’s a clear sign to step away. Not every red flag means it's time to leave, but there are some that definitely should make you reconsider.
I’ll be sharing personal stories (spoiler: even I had red flags before marriage!) and helping you recognize when there’s hope for your relationship and when it's time to protect your heart and move on.
If you’re in a relationship or want to be in a healthy one someday, buckle up—this episode is for YOU.
Let’s get into it!
Xo, Dani
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
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(00:00):
Listen, I know when you are invested in a relationship, it's really hard to spot what the red flags are and to know when to walk away. 2 00:00:10,353.333333333 --> 00:00:17,244.755444444 A conversation with a girlfriend last night talking about she just finalized her divorce. 3 00:00:17,476.200484584 --> 00:00:29,696.200484584 And I was asking her, well, what had happened in the relationship? Like, did things change once you guys got married? And she said, I mean, there were signs before getting married, but I had just been with him for 8 years. 4 00:00:30,16.200484584 --> 00:00:37,116.200484584 So, it was, I was so invested at that point that I just decided to ignore them and just get married anyways. 5 00:00:37,496.200484584 --> 00:00:37,946.100484584 And, yeah. 6 00:00:38,246.200484584 --> 00:00:40,416.200484584 unfortunately still ending in a divorce. 7 00:00:40,426.200484584 --> 00:00:53,426.200484584 So I know this topic right here is so important to touch on because I know when you're in the relationship, it's hard to see the red flags, especially when you've already given this man, you know, all of you. 8 00:00:53,946.200484584 --> 00:01:20,543.556890834 And then on the flip side, it's like, okay, well, if these signs are present, how do I know if it's like a blaring red flag for me to completely leave? Or how do I know if it's a fixable issue, like something that we can work through? And I want to really give you clarity on this today because the last thing that I want for you is to end the relationship prematurely when it is a fixable issue and there's signs of it being fixable. 9 00:01:20,919.156890834 --> 00:01:29,795.954685915 Or end up marrying this man when the red flags will become super blaring and affect you even worse once you guys are married. 10 00:01:29,999.255473316 --> 00:01:37,819.256473316 so whether you're in a relationship or you desire to be in a healthy relationship one day, buckle up, this is gonna be a good one for you. 11 00:01:37,969.256473316 --> 00:01:43,9.25647332 Hey beautiful! Welcome to the Heal from Toxic Relationships podcast. 12 00:01:43,129.25647332 --> 00:02:05,829.25647332 Are you ready to break free from toxic relationship patterns and fully embrace a life filled with confidence, joy, and purpose? Do you find yourself questioning your self worth and wondering what God's plan for your life is? Or maybe you deeply fear being alone and struggle with the lack of boundaries due to your people pleasing tendencies. 13 00:02:05,879.25547332 --> 00:02:07,419.25547332 Well, sis, you're not alone. 14 00:02:07,489.25647332 --> 00:02:08,619.25647332 I've been there, too. 15 00:02:08,729.25647332 --> 00:02:15,899.25647332 Hey, I'm Dani, a Christian life coach, wife, recovering people pleaser, And a total girl's girl. 16 00:02:16,19.25647332 --> 00:02:27,159.25647332 For 10 years, I was stuck in a cycle of toxic, non committed relationships, and searching for my worth in men, my accomplishments, and the praise of other people. 17 00:02:27,199.25647332 --> 00:02:32,729.25647332 Until I found out how to heal my past emotional wounds with Christ at the center. 18 00:02:32,894.25647332 --> 00:02:48,74.25647332 In this podcast, you will find faith based healing tools, confidence building tips, and healthy relationship skills so that you become a God fearing, confident woman who attracts your husband while walking in your purpose with God. 19 00:02:48,214.25547332 --> 00:02:51,184.25647332 Grab your favorite mocktail and pop in the AirPods. 20 00:02:51,314.25647332 --> 00:02:57,334.25647332 It's time to overshare and overcome these obstacles together, one step at a time. 21 00:02:57,594.25647332 --> 00:03:12,147.93589316 Hey, my girl, listen, if you are feeling stuck in your relationship, either with yourself in your romantic relationships or even with God, I still have slots available for my one on one unstuck coaching session. 22 00:03:12,238.19483077 --> 00:03:17,258.19483077 This is your chance to work with me one on one where you have my undivided attention. 23 00:03:17,428.19483077 --> 00:03:19,308.19383077 This is a thing that I love to do. 24 00:03:19,308.19483077 --> 00:03:28,988.13787616 I love to sit with women one on one and truly break off what the enemy has been speaking over your life so you can move away from the call feeling so free. 25 00:03:29,434.69584137 --> 00:03:33,524.69584137 And that push of momentum forward that you've been desiring to have. 26 00:03:33,706.79361915 --> 00:03:41,726.79361915 Tracy booked her unstuck session and said she had been putting herself on the back burner for so long and she didn't even realize how stuck that she actually was leaving the session. 27 00:03:41,736.79361915 --> 00:03:49,665.93735001 She said, I'm ready to find my voice and confidence again, and she was grateful for the nudge and advice that she got from the steps that we built out together. 28 00:03:49,723.97500668 --> 00:03:52,423.97500668 So there's only three more spots left for the month of October. 29 00:03:52,443.97500668 --> 00:03:56,834.82722022 And so if you feel like you need that accountability, you need a personalized plan. 30 00:03:56,844.82722022 --> 00:04:04,79.9559598 You feel like you have just been so drained, low on energy and stuck with where you are in your career or relationships. 31 00:04:04,79.9569598 --> 00:04:07,29.9569598 Like this is a session for you. 32 00:04:07,240.06807091 --> 00:04:17,212.13938341 So if you're ready to break free from the self doubt, the lack of confidence, the indecision and truly start experiencing breakthrough in your life and relationships, head lovedanny. 33 00:04:17,242.13938341 --> 00:04:19,472.13938341 org slash unstuck session. 34 00:04:19,611.33897741 --> 00:04:22,211.23897741 That's lovedanny. 35 00:04:22,211.33897741 --> 00:04:25,898.34172948 org slash unstuck session to grab your seat before they're all gone. 36 00:04:26,375.10098874 --> 00:04:33,865.10098874 So, uh, I don't mind being the first to say that not every red flag is a sign for you to exit the relationship. 37 00:04:34,205.10098874 --> 00:04:39,465.09998874 I know nowadays, it's like, okay, any sign of this, it's time to leave. 38 00:04:39,895.10098874 --> 00:04:58,650.10098874 I mean, you can have that, you know, mindset and perspective if you want, but, It's hard when you're actually in it and also like I want to share the reason that I have this perspective of red flags and not having to completely leave the person if you have a sign of them. 39 00:04:59,50.10098874 --> 00:05:06,481.79369708 I think we all have parts of us that have been unhealed, maybe not all of us, but a lot of us do. 40 00:05:06,811.79369708 --> 00:05:25,606.93692624 And when you're in a relationship with somebody, it can trigger things and make things come to surface that you didn't even realize you were still being affected by? And you know, before Jamar and I got married, we both had red flags, and I will speak on my own red flags. 41 00:05:25,876.93692624 --> 00:05:32,626.93692624 I had a lot of pride, selfishness, and fear around being vulnerable and committing. 42 00:05:33,312.43171791 --> 00:05:40,192.43171791 I was emotionally standoffish, um, and I wanted to protect my heart from falling in love again. 43 00:05:40,522.43171791 --> 00:05:44,232.43171791 And so it made me what we call emotionally unavailable. 44 00:05:44,792.43171791 --> 00:05:48,392.43171791 And I really wasn't, I wasn't, I wasn't ready for that next level of commitment. 45 00:05:48,972.43171791 --> 00:05:55,12.43171791 And that would be a red flag for a lot of people, especially if you're wanting a committed relationship. 46 00:05:55,22.43171791 --> 00:05:59,402.43071791 You need to have the security and sense of safety in a relationship with somebody. 47 00:05:59,822.43071791 --> 00:06:01,552.43171791 And I wasn't giving that to Jamar. 48 00:06:01,805.36934635 --> 00:06:05,695.36934635 And in spite of that, he still decided to pursue me. 49 00:06:05,735.36934635 --> 00:06:22,935.36934635 I don't know if you've heard of this or I've shared this story before, but he literally reached out to Delaney, my sister, uh, and asked, okay, I really, what do I need to do to get your sister and to win her over? And Delaney told him, whatever you do, don't ever leave her, no matter what she does to you. 50 00:06:23,445.36934635 --> 00:06:35,483.09070051 And when they told me, I'm like, dang, is I really that bad? Like, You know? but he took her advice and man, it spoke levels to me being on this end. 51 00:06:35,493.09070051 --> 00:06:38,753.09070051 Like, being somebody that all I knew was toxic relationships. 52 00:06:38,753.09070051 --> 00:06:46,120.40790885 I didn't know what a healthy relationship was and I never had to really face like those inner demons and the negative parts of myself. 53 00:06:46,120.40790885 --> 00:06:53,920.40840885 I always deflected and pushed it off on it being the other person's responsibility for the way that they made me feel. 54 00:06:54,175.30840885 --> 00:07:12,952.45684635 and because that was something that I was so used to doing, it made Jamar not feel safe to enter into constructive conversations with me and to express his feelings, which isn't also another red flag that you would tell your girlfriend, like, okay, you can't even express your feelings to this person without him, like turning it back on you. 55 00:07:12,962.45684635 --> 00:07:14,672.45684635 Like that's narcissism right there. 56 00:07:15,142.45684635 --> 00:07:17,442.45684635 And I was that person acting that way. 57 00:07:17,620.38091504 --> 00:07:48,807.91630264 And i'm so grateful I literally thank god all the time For my husband for Jamar and I tell Jamar all the time like I'm so grateful that you pursued me despite My actions and the parts of myself that wasn't the best and easiest to deal with The key in this though because this doesn't give people an excuse to hold on to their red flags Like My heart posture behind this was I actually wanted to change and man when I was seeking the Lord It softened my heart so much. 58 00:07:48,807.91630264 --> 00:07:57,917.95536514 Like when I surrendered to God, actually wanted to be a good partner and I Wanted to when he told me that I was being selfish. 59 00:07:58,217.95536514 --> 00:08:18,643.76285474 That's not what I wanted because that did that was an equality trait that represented the Lord Jesus and so this leads me to my very first point, okay? How do you know if this is a red flag to cause you to walk away or a fixable issue? if they aren't open to change or growth to be a better partner for you, that is a red flag. 60 00:08:19,121.12152087 --> 00:08:21,351.12152087 Because a relationship literally takes two ways. 61 00:08:21,371.12152087 --> 00:08:32,971.12052087 If you are constantly having the same conversations with this person and there's no sign of like a repentance or like a desire to turn away or any change, even after they say, okay, I want to change. 62 00:08:33,221.12152087 --> 00:08:34,751.12152087 And yet you don't see it. 63 00:08:34,751.12252087 --> 00:08:36,711.12152087 And you've been giving them chance after chance. 64 00:08:37,151.12152087 --> 00:08:40,111.12152087 And you can tell if there's a heart change or if they're being sincere. 65 00:08:40,121.12152087 --> 00:08:42,421.12152087 And then when they're actually not, right. 66 00:08:42,651.12152087 --> 00:08:47,41.12152087 So They actually have to have a heart change because it's, it's a heart issue. 67 00:08:47,51.12052087 --> 00:08:48,881.12152087 Like mine, it was a heart issue. 68 00:08:49,201.12152087 --> 00:08:53,501.12152087 And if neither one of us were open to change, like we wouldn't be married today. 69 00:08:53,808.84287504 --> 00:09:20,707.97301637 And so if your partner or future partner is closed off, you're To having constructive conversations and to take feedback and you're not seeing any effort to put in change This may be a sign that it's time to move on and to let the relationship go Because you don't want to look up five years from now and look back and say oh my gosh I gave this man chance after chance and I There was no sign of any change. 70 00:09:20,727.97301637 --> 00:09:23,97.97301637 Our conversations weren't constructive. 71 00:09:23,147.97301637 --> 00:09:25,637.97301637 He didn't receive feedback well at all. 72 00:09:25,637.97301637 --> 00:09:30,297.97301637 He was always defensive and like, I just wasted all this time. 73 00:09:30,724.04033786 --> 00:09:40,219.59703354 And so how you can move towards knowing if this person is open to the change is simply having conversations about the need for change. 74 00:09:40,523.85374815 --> 00:09:52,983.85374815 And if they refuse to try, or they refuse to listen to you, or they don't believe they need to change anything, or they say they'll change, but yet they don't change over and over and over again. 75 00:09:53,305.94045615 --> 00:09:56,55.94045615 And their words are starting to not hold any weight. 76 00:09:56,418.2070814 --> 00:09:56,938.2070814 This. 77 00:09:57,129.05976086 --> 00:09:58,289.05976086 Maybe a time to move on. 78 00:09:58,494.94263381 --> 00:10:07,154.94263381 And don't shy away from having this conversation, like these are the uncomfortable conversations that you have to have in your relationship for there to be growth, for there to be some sort of breakthrough. 79 00:10:07,414.94263381 --> 00:10:18,664.94263381 If Jamar did not sit me down and tell me that I was prideful, that I had pride, and that I was being selfish, and the relationship was not going to work, I would never have like woken up and been like, Oh snap, okay. 80 00:10:19,64.94263381 --> 00:10:21,274.94263381 Like, let me actually listen. 81 00:10:21,494.94263381 --> 00:10:27,54.94263381 And so maybe this conversation looks like, Hey babe, I really need to talk to you about something that's been heavy on my heart. 82 00:10:27,364.94263381 --> 00:10:31,484.94163381 You know, this is what I've been noticing that's been going on in our relationship. 83 00:10:31,514.94263381 --> 00:10:39,704.06459531 And I'm honestly at the point where like, I have to see change from you for this to actually work out, be very direct. 84 00:10:39,954.19902013 --> 00:10:43,353.335604 You can be loving and speak the truth simultaneously. 85 00:10:43,577.97563197 --> 00:11:00,857.97563197 And so this may take multiple iterations and also if this person is receptive and you're seeing them make some sort of effort, but maybe not get it right every time, I say it's okay to give them some grace because it's hard to change to do heart work and to do a heart change. 86 00:11:01,247.97563197 --> 00:11:04,307.97563197 Um, it's hard to break habits that you've done in the past. 87 00:11:04,307.97563197 --> 00:11:10,849.32684079 It's hard to help somebody decide to make different choices, you know, once they are being triggered. 88 00:11:10,869.32684079 --> 00:11:20,579.32784079 So you'll be able to tell if they're making an effort and then sometimes they just may not get it all right versus just X aying all that you said and not making any effort at all. 89 00:11:20,750.32784079 --> 00:11:32,940.32784079 Now the second sign of whether or not you can tell this is a red flag or a fixable issue is if they are constantly tearing you down with their words, they're judging you, and they're nitpicking everything that you do. 90 00:11:33,169.07256994 --> 00:11:37,269.07256994 This is very, like, harmful behavior for you mentally. 91 00:11:37,319.07256994 --> 00:11:41,269.07156994 Okay, this is, this makes the relationship unsafe and unfruitful. 92 00:11:41,739.07256994 --> 00:11:48,625.94037196 Like, the word tells us that the husband's role is to wash his wife with his words. 93 00:11:48,965.94137196 --> 00:12:05,194.47838292 And if in this courting stage, He's not able to do that and he's like dogging you, he's criti criticizing you, and ladies know that there is a difference between criticizing and judging and then being constructive and giving somebody feedback out of love. 94 00:12:05,414.51744542 --> 00:12:13,904.58973061 Proverbs always be convicting me to be open to receiving critique because fools are the ones who refuse critique rebuke. 95 00:12:14,354.5032672 --> 00:12:24,200.72560154 So how you can tell is if this, is this person speaking with love or are they speaking with condemnation? Similar like how Jesus would speak to you versus how Satan speaks to you. 96 00:12:24,502.73744224 --> 00:12:39,539.5865938 Okay, so if this person is constantly tearing you down, like saying you're never going to amount to anything, or you suck at that, or you're really not special, or no other man's going to love you, bringing up your past and using it against you. 97 00:12:39,677.70560258 --> 00:12:44,937.70660258 Um, this is them projecting their insecurities onto you, and they see. 98 00:12:45,124.20346274 --> 00:12:57,934.60967761 the woman that you are because if they're doing this you're probably a very powerful woman and they are scared for you to realize your worth and to leave them to find a man that would treat you so much better than they ever could. 99 00:12:58,288.08826078 --> 00:13:06,136.5318955 And this is also an indication that they are probably not walking with Jesus because they do not portray the love and the grace of Jesus. 100 00:13:06,526.5318955 --> 00:13:13,410.14359623 And that right there is one of the biggest red flags, especially if you are a believer and you consider yourself a disciple of Jesus. 101 00:13:13,460.14359623 --> 00:13:17,591.02515529 The word tells us to not be unequally yoked in our relationships. 102 00:13:17,651.15848048 --> 00:13:24,750.20749094 And so you can't expect a wolf to act like a sheep, just like you can't expect a nonbeliever to act. 103 00:13:24,865.8975951 --> 00:13:25,765.8975951 Like a believer. 104 00:13:26,75.8975951 --> 00:13:38,565.8975951 That right there is the main thing, but how you can start to gauge whether or not this is something that could change that needs to change ASAP and will versus there's no heart posture to change. 105 00:13:38,565.8975951 --> 00:13:41,185.8975951 It is you set firm boundaries in. 106 00:13:41,540.8975951 --> 00:13:44,420.8975951 This relationship about how you expect to be treated. 107 00:13:44,840.8975951 --> 00:13:50,620.8975951 And if the behavior continues, this is where you're going to reevaluate the relationship and be strong enough to leave. 108 00:13:50,970.8975951 --> 00:13:59,160.8965951 So what an example of one boundary can be, Hey, if these types of words continue to be spoken to me by you, they're very hurtful. 109 00:13:59,294.8765951 --> 00:14:08,444.8765951 And I know that what I need in a relationship is my man, the person that I'm deciding to be with and build a life with, is going to speak life over me. 110 00:14:08,484.8765951 --> 00:14:12,54.8765951 And so if you can't give that to me, then I'm going to leave the relationship. 111 00:14:12,476.99209384 --> 00:14:18,116.99209384 If they are unrepentant at that point, with that boundary, that's a huge red flag girlfriend. 112 00:14:18,116.99209384 --> 00:14:18,336.99209384 Like. 113 00:14:18,871.99209384 --> 00:14:22,535.32542717 It's just time he's safe to say he's just not it. 114 00:14:22,555.32542717 --> 00:14:25,845.32542717 And there's going to be a man out there that's going to treat you 10 times better. 115 00:14:25,865.32542717 --> 00:14:26,605.32542717 Trust me. 116 00:14:26,791.99209384 --> 00:14:31,201.99209384 Now I can stay on that topic for a whole another two hours just because that really works me up. 117 00:14:31,531.99209384 --> 00:14:43,516.40994285 But let me move on to the third point and this one is are you noticing anger outbursts and I mean, of course abuse like both of these things are very Telling that okay. 118 00:14:43,516.40994285 --> 00:15:05,629.84766045 This is a major red flag Abuse is definitely non negotiable and dangerous to your emotional and physical well being Like period the no man should ever lay hands on you And if he does he's It's time to walk away because a man that can lay his hands on you has no respect for you and Who knows what he can? He can do he can end up doing to you. 119 00:15:05,869.84766045 --> 00:15:10,633.95894872 So that is non negotiable walk the freak away Now these anger outbursts. 120 00:15:11,593.95994872 --> 00:15:17,993.95994872 I know every scenario will be different But this is definitely a sign that this man needs some therapy. 121 00:15:17,993.95994872 --> 00:15:40,877.95675975 He needs some sort of You some help and you were not to take his place of being a therapist and you don't have to sit around and wait for him to heal those parts of himself because you don't have to be the punching bag for for him it's not fair to you And anger outbursts can, I've seen it happen over and over again, it can lead to abuse. 122 00:15:40,927.95675975 --> 00:15:50,457.95575975 Like, it's very scary when a man is angry and angry at his woman and has these like random anger outbursts. 123 00:15:50,547.95675975 --> 00:15:52,587.95575975 Um, it's just not a good sign. 124 00:15:52,597.95675975 --> 00:15:57,467.95675975 So if they display any type of abusive behavior, you want to seek support immediately. 125 00:15:57,687.95675975 --> 00:16:00,27.95675975 Like there's no fixing abuse. 126 00:16:00,67.95675975 --> 00:16:04,17.95675975 There's no you being the woman to help him heal. 127 00:16:04,227.95675975 --> 00:16:04,777.95675975 Okay. 128 00:16:05,7.95675975 --> 00:16:06,747.95575975 They have to decide to heal and to change. 129 00:16:06,887.95675975 --> 00:16:08,817.95575975 That's not up to you and you can't control that. 130 00:16:09,37.95575975 --> 00:16:11,694.83075975 And so this is a for sure walk away situation. 131 00:16:12,102.64557456 --> 00:16:17,352.64657456 Now my fourth point is if you're noticing consistent dishonesty. 132 00:16:17,492.73261185 --> 00:16:33,300.35145018 even in the small ways and matters, repeated dishonesty is very much a red flag, especially, I mean, as a woman, I mean, people in general, like it's going to be very hard for you to build a very foundational, healthy relationship when there's no trust. 133 00:16:33,610.35145018 --> 00:16:45,939.8937979 And how can you actually have and build trust with a person when they're consistently lying to you? It's like, why are they lying? What are they lying about? I mean, this is definitely going to be on a case by case basis. 134 00:16:45,939.8937979 --> 00:16:50,209.8937979 And of course, again, you go through and have these conversations with this person about what you're noticing. 135 00:16:50,368.9823395 --> 00:16:54,402.0812979 Um, and what you would, like, what your expectations are, what you would like to see change. 136 00:16:54,606.1177562 --> 00:16:56,376.1177562 Giving them that standard. 137 00:16:56,465.375799 --> 00:17:00,385.375799 and being also a mirror for them to see, Hey, this may be a blind spot for you. 138 00:17:00,385.375799 --> 00:17:05,705.375799 I don't know if you notice this, but this is what's happening and see what their heart and response is at. 139 00:17:05,975.375799 --> 00:17:10,485.374799 But this definitely needs to be addressed when you notice that it's coming up. 140 00:17:10,795.375799 --> 00:17:15,65.375799 And if it continues and not changing, it's most likely a pattern now. 141 00:17:15,475.375799 --> 00:17:20,495.375799 And it may be because they're hiding other things and not being honest with you. 142 00:17:20,525.375799 --> 00:17:26,895.375799 And at that point, like, how can you have an open and transparent and vulnerable relationship, which is so important in a marriage. 143 00:17:26,895.375799 --> 00:17:32,655.374799 Like, it has to be completely naked with both people for it to be a healthy marriage. 144 00:17:32,906.1016926 --> 00:17:43,877.5760025 So this would, I would say is an indication of, hey, look, this could be a fixable issue, but it could very much be a red flag if there's no sign of wanting to change. 145 00:17:44,297.9953707 --> 00:18:21,490.3712948 and then my final point of is this a red flag or a fixable issue is if there's just incompatibility in core values, okay? So if you've got conflicts in major life values like faith family future goals This can definitely become long term issues and strain the relationship especially if there's not like a mutual respect because You have to really think long term In your relationship and you have to think 25 years down the line if you guys don't have a relationship a similar vision or there's no support in the other person's vision. 146 00:18:21,760.3712948 --> 00:19:17,765.5453029 Like for example, if you are very outgoing, very ambitious, but your man is more on the lazy side and he doesn't really have goals and he's not goal oriented, like you have to ask yourself, is this actually the man that you can see yourself with leading your family 25 years down the line? Is this a man that you believe can instill the values that you want your children to have? As like your future son, do you, would you want your future son to be like this man in front of you? This is a really hard realization to come to but man core values like you can not have any of the same hobbies, but have Similar core values and the relationship can work on the flip side if you have a lot of similarities, but You guys don't align with your core values or the vision of where you guys want to go You In the future like how can that work because you guys are ultimately on different paths it's not so much like you have to be on the same path. 147 00:19:17,775.5453029 --> 00:19:21,655.5453029 Like you both have to be in ministry or you both have to be in the same type of career field. 148 00:19:21,655.5453029 --> 00:19:22,805.5453029 You both have to be in corporate. 149 00:19:23,105.5453029 --> 00:19:30,287.5366519 It's just, is this person supportive of my goals and can we build a life together? Because that is what you guys are doing. 150 00:19:30,297.5366519 --> 00:19:31,427.5366519 You guys are becoming one. 151 00:19:31,687.5366519 --> 00:19:47,974.4673081 Well, this mesh and can this person, you know, Support me onto where I'm going and can I support this man into where he wants to go? So how you discover this, like if you guys are kind of on different paths right now, like have serious conversations about your future together. 152 00:19:47,974.4683081 --> 00:20:02,614.4683081 And I would say do this very early in your dating life when you're dating somebody, like what are their goals? What, where do you guys align? Like what's the vision? Where are you guys similar? Where are you guys different? And if you can't align, then it may be best to just part. 153 00:20:02,919.4683081 --> 00:20:07,843.4882112 Ways because again, the last thing that you want to do is just to say, Oh, I can overlook this. 154 00:20:07,883.4882112 --> 00:20:09,163.4882112 Like, we'll figure it out. 155 00:20:09,443.4882112 --> 00:20:10,173.4872112 It'll be great. 156 00:20:10,173.4882112 --> 00:20:17,631.3103733 Whenever, you know, we start a family and have kids like, no, no, that's the worst thing that you can do is just overlook these things. 157 00:20:17,651.3093733 --> 00:20:24,981.0974352 They need to be talked about, flushed out and come to a place of mutual respect and alignment. 158 00:20:25,454.8630304 --> 00:20:32,204.8620304 So just wrapping up, you know, not every single red flag is a deal breaker, but some absolutely are. 159 00:20:32,499.3995355 --> 00:20:42,662.2987078 And so the main thing I believe through all of this is if you or your partner are willing to work through those issues and grow and you see changes, that. 160 00:20:42,995.6868141 --> 00:20:52,198.0917575 But if there's no sign of change or willingness to improve, or never saying sorry, and never admitting wrong, like, it may be time to walk away. 161 00:20:52,474.1300252 --> 00:21:15,643.2651676 so going over those points again, point A, if they aren't open to change or grow to be a better partner to you, this is a clear sign that, A serious conversation needs to happen and then potentially exiting the relationship if you don't see change The second thing are they constantly tear you down with their words judging you and nitpicking everything you do You don't feel like you can be yourself around them. 162 00:21:15,643.2651676 --> 00:21:36,294.1296924 You don't feel like you're safe around them You feel less than when you are with them This is a huge sign that it's time to walk away Number three, are there anger outbursts and abuse? This is definitely a non negotiable and you need to see change immediately and if not, it's time to get support and exit the relationship. 163 00:21:36,834.1296924 --> 00:21:53,725.9786507 Point four, is there consistent dishonesty? And when they, and when you bring this up to them, are they deflective? Are they not taking responsibility? Uh, do they continue to, to lie? Can't build a foundation of a healthy, honest relationship with a dishonest partner, maybe time to leave. 164 00:21:54,127.2510828 --> 00:22:01,802.5160695 And then the final point, is there an incompatibility in core values? Are you guys aligned with what you want out of life? This is your life partner. 165 00:22:02,105.598966 --> 00:22:09,844.9749835 The person you decide to marry is going to be the person that's either going to pull you away from the purpose that God has for you, or they're going to help push you forward into it. 166 00:22:10,150.8164013 --> 00:22:11,600.8164013 Make that decision wisely. 167 00:22:11,855.3028733 --> 00:22:23,19.881522 And again, if you need support in this, if you need to really flush this out and have conversation and kind of get out of your own head and have an outside perspective, unstacked coaching session with me. 168 00:22:23,239.6857616 --> 00:22:45,749.0041017 This Is definitely a topic we can touch on and I would love to truly help you through this because Again Who you decide to marry the second most important decision of your life And i'd be so honored to be that person to help support you in this especially if you don't have any other outside support So again, you can find that link at org slash unstuck session. 169 00:22:45,947.5841306 --> 00:22:53,57.5841306 Alright, I pray that this episode blesses you and I'll see you back here, same time, same place, next week. 170 00:22:53,263.2053675 --> 00:22:54,233.2053675 Bye friends. 171 00:22:54,524.5198144 --> 00:22:55,414.5198144 Hey, beautiful. 172 00:22:55,454.5198144 --> 00:22:59,24.5198144 I hope you loved hanging with me today and enjoyed the episode. 173 00:22:59,324.5198144 --> 00:23:13,454.5198144 If so, would you take just 30 seconds and share it with someone you love who may also want to heal from past relationships and love themselves again? Also, please scroll down and leave a quick written review for the show on Apple podcasts. 174 00:23:13,454.5198144 --> 00:23:18,854.5198144 This is the main way we can get this message out to our girlfriends all around the world. 175 00:23:19,129.5198144 --> 00:23:24,509.5198144 And it also just really blesses me to know and hear how this podcast is helping you. 176 00:23:24,579.5198144 --> 00:23:24,999.5198144 Okay. 177 00:23:25,99.5198144 --> 00:23:27,669.5198144 I need to get out of my sleds and get ready for date night. 178 00:23:27,829.5198144 --> 00:23:33,799.5198144 I'll meet you back here on Monday for another episode, sending you all the love until next time.
Listen, I know when you are invested in a relationship, it's really hard to spot what the red flags are and to know when to walk away. 2 00:00:10,353.333333333 --> 00:00:17,244.755444444 A conversation with a girlfriend last night talking about she just finalized her divorce. 3 00:00:17,476.200484584 --> 00:00:29,696.200484584 And I was asking her, well, what had happened in the relationship? Like, did things change once you guys got married? And she said, I mean, there were signs before getting married, but I had just been with him for 8 years. 4 00:00:30,16.200484584 --> 00:00:37,116.200484584 So, it was, I was so invested at that point that I just decided to ignore them and just get married anyways. 5 00:00:37,496.200484584 --> 00:00:37,946.100484584 And, yeah. 6 00:00:38,246.200484584 --> 00:00:40,416.200484584 unfortunately still ending in a divorce. 7 00:00:40,426.200484584 --> 00:00:53,426.200484584 So I know this topic right here is so important to touch on because I know when you're in the relationship, it's hard to see the red flags, especially when you've already given this man, you know, all of you. 8 00:00:53,946.200484584 --> 00:01:20,543.556890834 And then on the flip side, it's like, okay, well, if these signs are present, how do I know if it's like a blaring red flag for me to completely leave? Or how do I know if it's a fixable issue, like something that we can work through? And I want to really give you clarity on this today because the last thing that I want for you is to end the relationship prematurely when it is a fixable issue and there's signs of it being fixable. 9 00:01:20,919.156890834 --> 00:01:29,795.954685915 Or end up marrying this man when the red flags will become super blaring and affect you even worse once you guys are married. 10 00:01:29,999.255473316 --> 00:01:37,819.256473316 so whether you're in a relationship or you desire to be in a healthy relationship one day, buckle up, this is gonna be a good one for you. 11 00:01:37,969.256473316 --> 00:01:43,9.25647332 Hey beautiful! Welcome to the Heal from Toxic Relationships podcast. 12 00:01:43,129.25647332 --> 00:02:05,829.25647332 Are you ready to break free from toxic relationship patterns and fully embrace a life filled with confidence, joy, and purpose? Do you find yourself questioning your self worth and wondering what God's plan for your life is? Or maybe you deeply fear being alone and struggle with the lack of boundaries due to your people pleasing tendencies. 13 00:02:05,879.25547332 --> 00:02:07,419.25547332 Well, sis, you're not alone. 14 00:02:07,489.25647332 --> 00:02:08,619.25647332 I've been there, too. 15 00:02:08,729.25647332 --> 00:02:15,899.25647332 Hey, I'm Dani, a Christian life coach, wife, recovering people pleaser, And a total girl's girl. 16 00:02:16,19.25647332 --> 00:02:27,159.25647332 For 10 years, I was stuck in a cycle of toxic, non committed relationships, and searching for my worth in men, my accomplishments, and the praise of other people. 17 00:02:27,199.25647332 --> 00:02:32,729.25647332 Until I found out how to heal my past emotional wounds with Christ at the center. 18 00:02:32,894.25647332 --> 00:02:48,74.25647332 In this podcast, you will find faith based healing tools, confidence building tips, and healthy relationship skills so that you become a God fearing, confident woman who attracts your husband while walking in your purpose with God. 19 00:02:48,214.25547332 --> 00:02:51,184.25647332 Grab your favorite mocktail and pop in the AirPods. 20 00:02:51,314.25647332 --> 00:02:57,334.25647332 It's time to overshare and overcome these obstacles together, one step at a time. 21 00:02:57,594.25647332 --> 00:03:12,147.93589316 Hey, my girl, listen, if you are feeling stuck in your relationship, either with yourself in your romantic relationships or even with God, I still have slots available for my one on one unstuck coaching session. 22 00:03:12,238.19483077 --> 00:03:17,258.19483077 This is your chance to work with me one on one where you have my undivided attention. 23 00:03:17,428.19483077 --> 00:03:19,308.19383077 This is a thing that I love to do. 24 00:03:19,308.19483077 --> 00:03:28,988.13787616 I love to sit with women one on one and truly break off what the enemy has been speaking over your life so you can move away from the call feeling so free. 25 00:03:29,434.69584137 --> 00:03:33,524.69584137 And that push of momentum forward that you've been desiring to have. 26 00:03:33,706.79361915 --> 00:03:41,726.79361915 Tracy booked her unstuck session and said she had been putting herself on the back burner for so long and she didn't even realize how stuck that she actually was leaving the session. 27 00:03:41,736.79361915 --> 00:03:49,665.93735001 She said, I'm ready to find my voice and confidence again, and she was grateful for the nudge and advice that she got from the steps that we built out together. 28 00:03:49,723.97500668 --> 00:03:52,423.97500668 So there's only three more spots left for the month of October. 29 00:03:52,443.97500668 --> 00:03:56,834.82722022 And so if you feel like you need that accountability, you need a personalized plan. 30 00:03:56,844.82722022 --> 00:04:04,79.9559598 You feel like you have just been so drained, low on energy and stuck with where you are in your career or relationships. 31 00:04:04,79.9569598 --> 00:04:07,29.9569598 Like this is a session for you. 32 00:04:07,240.06807091 --> 00:04:17,212.13938341 So if you're ready to break free from the self doubt, the lack of confidence, the indecision and truly start experiencing breakthrough in your life and relationships, head lovedanny. 33 00:04:17,242.13938341 --> 00:04:19,472.13938341 org slash unstuck session. 34 00:04:19,611.33897741 --> 00:04:22,211.23897741 That's lovedanny. 35 00:04:22,211.33897741 --> 00:04:25,898.34172948 org slash unstuck session to grab your seat before they're all gone. 36 00:04:26,375.10098874 --> 00:04:33,865.10098874 So, uh, I don't mind being the first to say that not every red flag is a sign for you to exit the relationship. 37 00:04:34,205.10098874 --> 00:04:39,465.09998874 I know nowadays, it's like, okay, any sign of this, it's time to leave. 38 00:04:39,895.10098874 --> 00:04:58,650.10098874 I mean, you can have that, you know, mindset and perspective if you want, but, It's hard when you're actually in it and also like I want to share the reason that I have this perspective of red flags and not having to completely leave the person if you have a sign of them. 39 00:04:59,50.10098874 --> 00:05:06,481.79369708 I think we all have parts of us that have been unhealed, maybe not all of us, but a lot of us do. 40 00:05:06,811.79369708 --> 00:05:25,606.93692624 And when you're in a relationship with somebody, it can trigger things and make things come to surface that you didn't even realize you were still being affected by? And you know, before Jamar and I got married, we both had red flags, and I will speak on my own red flags. 41 00:05:25,876.93692624 --> 00:05:32,626.93692624 I had a lot of pride, selfishness, and fear around being vulnerable and committing. 42 00:05:33,312.43171791 --> 00:05:40,192.43171791 I was emotionally standoffish, um, and I wanted to protect my heart from falling in love again. 43 00:05:40,522.43171791 --> 00:05:44,232.43171791 And so it made me what we call emotionally unavailable. 44 00:05:44,792.43171791 --> 00:05:48,392.43171791 And I really wasn't, I wasn't, I wasn't ready for that next level of commitment. 45 00:05:48,972.43171791 --> 00:05:55,12.43171791 And that would be a red flag for a lot of people, especially if you're wanting a committed relationship. 46 00:05:55,22.43171791 --> 00:05:59,402.43071791 You need to have the security and sense of safety in a relationship with somebody. 47 00:05:59,822.43071791 --> 00:06:01,552.43171791 And I wasn't giving that to Jamar. 48 00:06:01,805.36934635 --> 00:06:05,695.36934635 And in spite of that, he still decided to pursue me. 49 00:06:05,735.36934635 --> 00:06:22,935.36934635 I don't know if you've heard of this or I've shared this story before, but he literally reached out to Delaney, my sister, uh, and asked, okay, I really, what do I need to do to get your sister and to win her over? And Delaney told him, whatever you do, don't ever leave her, no matter what she does to you. 50 00:06:23,445.36934635 --> 00:06:35,483.09070051 And when they told me, I'm like, dang, is I really that bad? Like, You know? but he took her advice and man, it spoke levels to me being on this end. 51 00:06:35,493.09070051 --> 00:06:38,753.09070051 Like, being somebody that all I knew was toxic relationships. 52 00:06:38,753.09070051 --> 00:06:46,120.40790885 I didn't know what a healthy relationship was and I never had to really face like those inner demons and the negative parts of myself. 53 00:06:46,120.40790885 --> 00:06:53,920.40840885 I always deflected and pushed it off on it being the other person's responsibility for the way that they made me feel. 54 00:06:54,175.30840885 --> 00:07:12,952.45684635 and because that was something that I was so used to doing, it made Jamar not feel safe to enter into constructive conversations with me and to express his feelings, which isn't also another red flag that you would tell your girlfriend, like, okay, you can't even express your feelings to this person without him, like turning it back on you. 55 00:07:12,962.45684635 --> 00:07:14,672.45684635 Like that's narcissism right there. 56 00:07:15,142.45684635 --> 00:07:17,442.45684635 And I was that person acting that way. 57 00:07:17,620.38091504 --> 00:07:48,807.91630264 And i'm so grateful I literally thank god all the time For my husband for Jamar and I tell Jamar all the time like I'm so grateful that you pursued me despite My actions and the parts of myself that wasn't the best and easiest to deal with The key in this though because this doesn't give people an excuse to hold on to their red flags Like My heart posture behind this was I actually wanted to change and man when I was seeking the Lord It softened my heart so much. 58 00:07:48,807.91630264 --> 00:07:57,917.95536514 Like when I surrendered to God, actually wanted to be a good partner and I Wanted to when he told me that I was being selfish. 59 00:07:58,217.95536514 --> 00:08:18,643.76285474 That's not what I wanted because that did that was an equality trait that represented the Lord Jesus and so this leads me to my very first point, okay? How do you know if this is a red flag to cause you to walk away or a fixable issue? if they aren't open to change or growth to be a better partner for you, that is a red flag. 60 00:08:19,121.12152087 --> 00:08:21,351.12152087 Because a relationship literally takes two ways. 61 00:08:21,371.12152087 --> 00:08:32,971.12052087 If you are constantly having the same conversations with this person and there's no sign of like a repentance or like a desire to turn away or any change, even after they say, okay, I want to change. 62 00:08:33,221.12152087 --> 00:08:34,751.12152087 And yet you don't see it. 63 00:08:34,751.12252087 --> 00:08:36,711.12152087 And you've been giving them chance after chance. 64 00:08:37,151.12152087 --> 00:08:40,111.12152087 And you can tell if there's a heart change or if they're being sincere. 65 00:08:40,121.12152087 --> 00:08:42,421.12152087 And then when they're actually not, right. 66 00:08:42,651.12152087 --> 00:08:47,41.12152087 So They actually have to have a heart change because it's, it's a heart issue. 67 00:08:47,51.12052087 --> 00:08:48,881.12152087 Like mine, it was a heart issue. 68 00:08:49,201.12152087 --> 00:08:53,501.12152087 And if neither one of us were open to change, like we wouldn't be married today. 69 00:08:53,808.84287504 --> 00:09:20,707.97301637 And so if your partner or future partner is closed off, you're To having constructive conversations and to take feedback and you're not seeing any effort to put in change This may be a sign that it's time to move on and to let the relationship go Because you don't want to look up five years from now and look back and say oh my gosh I gave this man chance after chance and I There was no sign of any change. 70 00:09:20,727.97301637 --> 00:09:23,97.97301637 Our conversations weren't constructive. 71 00:09:23,147.97301637 --> 00:09:25,637.97301637 He didn't receive feedback well at all. 72 00:09:25,637.97301637 --> 00:09:30,297.97301637 He was always defensive and like, I just wasted all this time. 73 00:09:30,724.04033786 --> 00:09:40,219.59703354 And so how you can move towards knowing if this person is open to the change is simply having conversations about the need for change. 74 00:09:40,523.85374815 --> 00:09:52,983.85374815 And if they refuse to try, or they refuse to listen to you, or they don't believe they need to change anything, or they say they'll change, but yet they don't change over and over and over again. 75 00:09:53,305.94045615 --> 00:09:56,55.94045615 And their words are starting to not hold any weight. 76 00:09:56,418.2070814 --> 00:09:56,938.2070814 This. 77 00:09:57,129.05976086 --> 00:09:58,289.05976086 Maybe a time to move on. 78 00:09:58,494.94263381 --> 00:10:07,154.94263381 And don't shy away from having this conversation, like these are the uncomfortable conversations that you have to have in your relationship for there to be growth, for there to be some sort of breakthrough. 79 00:10:07,414.94263381 --> 00:10:18,664.94263381 If Jamar did not sit me down and tell me that I was prideful, that I had pride, and that I was being selfish, and the relationship was not going to work, I would never have like woken up and been like, Oh snap, okay. 80 00:10:19,64.94263381 --> 00:10:21,274.94263381 Like, let me actually listen. 81 00:10:21,494.94263381 --> 00:10:27,54.94263381 And so maybe this conversation looks like, Hey babe, I really need to talk to you about something that's been heavy on my heart. 82 00:10:27,364.94263381 --> 00:10:31,484.94163381 You know, this is what I've been noticing that's been going on in our relationship. 83 00:10:31,514.94263381 --> 00:10:39,704.06459531 And I'm honestly at the point where like, I have to see change from you for this to actually work out, be very direct. 84 00:10:39,954.19902013 --> 00:10:43,353.335604 You can be loving and speak the truth simultaneously. 85 00:10:43,577.97563197 --> 00:11:00,857.97563197 And so this may take multiple iterations and also if this person is receptive and you're seeing them make some sort of effort, but maybe not get it right every time, I say it's okay to give them some grace because it's hard to change to do heart work and to do a heart change. 86 00:11:01,247.97563197 --> 00:11:04,307.97563197 Um, it's hard to break habits that you've done in the past. 87 00:11:04,307.97563197 --> 00:11:10,849.32684079 It's hard to help somebody decide to make different choices, you know, once they are being triggered. 88 00:11:10,869.32684079 --> 00:11:20,579.32784079 So you'll be able to tell if they're making an effort and then sometimes they just may not get it all right versus just X aying all that you said and not making any effort at all. 89 00:11:20,750.32784079 --> 00:11:32,940.32784079 Now the second sign of whether or not you can tell this is a red flag or a fixable issue is if they are constantly tearing you down with their words, they're judging you, and they're nitpicking everything that you do. 90 00:11:33,169.07256994 --> 00:11:37,269.07256994 This is very, like, harmful behavior for you mentally. 91 00:11:37,319.07256994 --> 00:11:41,269.07156994 Okay, this is, this makes the relationship unsafe and unfruitful. 92 00:11:41,739.07256994 --> 00:11:48,625.94037196 Like, the word tells us that the husband's role is to wash his wife with his words. 93 00:11:48,965.94137196 --> 00:12:05,194.47838292 And if in this courting stage, He's not able to do that and he's like dogging you, he's criti criticizing you, and ladies know that there is a difference between criticizing and judging and then being constructive and giving somebody feedback out of love. 94 00:12:05,414.51744542 --> 00:12:13,904.58973061 Proverbs always be convicting me to be open to receiving critique because fools are the ones who refuse critique rebuke. 95 00:12:14,354.5032672 --> 00:12:24,200.72560154 So how you can tell is if this, is this person speaking with love or are they speaking with condemnation? Similar like how Jesus would speak to you versus how Satan speaks to you. 96 00:12:24,502.73744224 --> 00:12:39,539.5865938 Okay, so if this person is constantly tearing you down, like saying you're never going to amount to anything, or you suck at that, or you're really not special, or no other man's going to love you, bringing up your past and using it against you. 97 00:12:39,677.70560258 --> 00:12:44,937.70660258 Um, this is them projecting their insecurities onto you, and they see. 98 00:12:45,124.20346274 --> 00:12:57,934.60967761 the woman that you are because if they're doing this you're probably a very powerful woman and they are scared for you to realize your worth and to leave them to find a man that would treat you so much better than they ever could. 99 00:12:58,288.08826078 --> 00:13:06,136.5318955 And this is also an indication that they are probably not walking with Jesus because they do not portray the love and the grace of Jesus. 100 00:13:06,526.5318955 --> 00:13:13,410.14359623 And that right there is one of the biggest red flags, especially if you are a believer and you consider yourself a disciple of Jesus. 101 00:13:13,460.14359623 --> 00:13:17,591.02515529 The word tells us to not be unequally yoked in our relationships. 102 00:13:17,651.15848048 --> 00:13:24,750.20749094 And so you can't expect a wolf to act like a sheep, just like you can't expect a nonbeliever to act. 103 00:13:24,865.8975951 --> 00:13:25,765.8975951 Like a believer. 104 00:13:26,75.8975951 --> 00:13:38,565.8975951 That right there is the main thing, but how you can start to gauge whether or not this is something that could change that needs to change ASAP and will versus there's no heart posture to change. 105 00:13:38,565.8975951 --> 00:13:41,185.8975951 It is you set firm boundaries in. 106 00:13:41,540.8975951 --> 00:13:44,420.8975951 This relationship about how you expect to be treated. 107 00:13:44,840.8975951 --> 00:13:50,620.8975951 And if the behavior continues, this is where you're going to reevaluate the relationship and be strong enough to leave. 108 00:13:50,970.8975951 --> 00:13:59,160.8965951 So what an example of one boundary can be, Hey, if these types of words continue to be spoken to me by you, they're very hurtful. 109 00:13:59,294.8765951 --> 00:14:08,444.8765951 And I know that what I need in a relationship is my man, the person that I'm deciding to be with and build a life with, is going to speak life over me. 110 00:14:08,484.8765951 --> 00:14:12,54.8765951 And so if you can't give that to me, then I'm going to leave the relationship. 111 00:14:12,476.99209384 --> 00:14:18,116.99209384 If they are unrepentant at that point, with that boundary, that's a huge red flag girlfriend. 112 00:14:18,116.99209384 --> 00:14:18,336.99209384 Like. 113 00:14:18,871.99209384 --> 00:14:22,535.32542717 It's just time he's safe to say he's just not it. 114 00:14:22,555.32542717 --> 00:14:25,845.32542717 And there's going to be a man out there that's going to treat you 10 times better. 115 00:14:25,865.32542717 --> 00:14:26,605.32542717 Trust me. 116 00:14:26,791.99209384 --> 00:14:31,201.99209384 Now I can stay on that topic for a whole another two hours just because that really works me up. 117 00:14:31,531.99209384 --> 00:14:43,516.40994285 But let me move on to the third point and this one is are you noticing anger outbursts and I mean, of course abuse like both of these things are very Telling that okay. 118 00:14:43,516.40994285 --> 00:15:05,629.84766045 This is a major red flag Abuse is definitely non negotiable and dangerous to your emotional and physical well being Like period the no man should ever lay hands on you And if he does he's It's time to walk away because a man that can lay his hands on you has no respect for you and Who knows what he can? He can do he can end up doing to you. 119 00:15:05,869.84766045 --> 00:15:10,633.95894872 So that is non negotiable walk the freak away Now these anger outbursts. 120 00:15:11,593.95994872 --> 00:15:17,993.95994872 I know every scenario will be different But this is definitely a sign that this man needs some therapy. 121 00:15:17,993.95994872 --> 00:15:40,877.95675975 He needs some sort of You some help and you were not to take his place of being a therapist and you don't have to sit around and wait for him to heal those parts of himself because you don't have to be the punching bag for for him it's not fair to you And anger outbursts can, I've seen it happen over and over again, it can lead to abuse. 122 00:15:40,927.95675975 --> 00:15:50,457.95575975 Like, it's very scary when a man is angry and angry at his woman and has these like random anger outbursts. 123 00:15:50,547.95675975 --> 00:15:52,587.95575975 Um, it's just not a good sign. 124 00:15:52,597.95675975 --> 00:15:57,467.95675975 So if they display any type of abusive behavior, you want to seek support immediately. 125 00:15:57,687.95675975 --> 00:16:00,27.95675975 Like there's no fixing abuse. 126 00:16:00,67.95675975 --> 00:16:04,17.95675975 There's no you being the woman to help him heal. 127 00:16:04,227.95675975 --> 00:16:04,777.95675975 Okay. 128 00:16:05,7.95675975 --> 00:16:06,747.95575975 They have to decide to heal and to change. 129 00:16:06,887.95675975 --> 00:16:08,817.95575975 That's not up to you and you can't control that. 130 00:16:09,37.95575975 --> 00:16:11,694.83075975 And so this is a for sure walk away situation. 131 00:16:12,102.64557456 --> 00:16:17,352.64657456 Now my fourth point is if you're noticing consistent dishonesty. 132 00:16:17,492.73261185 --> 00:16:33,300.35145018 even in the small ways and matters, repeated dishonesty is very much a red flag, especially, I mean, as a woman, I mean, people in general, like it's going to be very hard for you to build a very foundational, healthy relationship when there's no trust. 133 00:16:33,610.35145018 --> 00:16:45,939.8937979 And how can you actually have and build trust with a person when they're consistently lying to you? It's like, why are they lying? What are they lying about? I mean, this is definitely going to be on a case by case basis. 134 00:16:45,939.8937979 --> 00:16:50,209.8937979 And of course, again, you go through and have these conversations with this person about what you're noticing. 135 00:16:50,368.9823395 --> 00:16:54,402.0812979 Um, and what you would, like, what your expectations are, what you would like to see change. 136 00:16:54,606.1177562 --> 00:16:56,376.1177562 Giving them that standard. 137 00:16:56,465.375799 --> 00:17:00,385.375799 and being also a mirror for them to see, Hey, this may be a blind spot for you. 138 00:17:00,385.375799 --> 00:17:05,705.375799 I don't know if you notice this, but this is what's happening and see what their heart and response is at. 139 00:17:05,975.375799 --> 00:17:10,485.374799 But this definitely needs to be addressed when you notice that it's coming up. 140 00:17:10,795.375799 --> 00:17:15,65.375799 And if it continues and not changing, it's most likely a pattern now. 141 00:17:15,475.375799 --> 00:17:20,495.375799 And it may be because they're hiding other things and not being honest with you. 142 00:17:20,525.375799 --> 00:17:26,895.375799 And at that point, like, how can you have an open and transparent and vulnerable relationship, which is so important in a marriage. 143 00:17:26,895.375799 --> 00:17:32,655.374799 Like, it has to be completely naked with both people for it to be a healthy marriage. 144 00:17:32,906.1016926 --> 00:17:43,877.5760025 So this would, I would say is an indication of, hey, look, this could be a fixable issue, but it could very much be a red flag if there's no sign of wanting to change. 145 00:17:44,297.9953707 --> 00:18:21,490.3712948 and then my final point of is this a red flag or a fixable issue is if there's just incompatibility in core values, okay? So if you've got conflicts in major life values like faith family future goals This can definitely become long term issues and strain the relationship especially if there's not like a mutual respect because You have to really think long term In your relationship and you have to think 25 years down the line if you guys don't have a relationship a similar vision or there's no support in the other person's vision. 146 00:18:21,760.3712948 --> 00:19:17,765.5453029 Like for example, if you are very outgoing, very ambitious, but your man is more on the lazy side and he doesn't really have goals and he's not goal oriented, like you have to ask yourself, is this actually the man that you can see yourself with leading your family 25 years down the line? Is this a man that you believe can instill the values that you want your children to have? As like your future son, do you, would you want your future son to be like this man in front of you? This is a really hard realization to come to but man core values like you can not have any of the same hobbies, but have Similar core values and the relationship can work on the flip side if you have a lot of similarities, but You guys don't align with your core values or the vision of where you guys want to go You In the future like how can that work because you guys are ultimately on different paths it's not so much like you have to be on the same path. 147 00:19:17,775.5453029 --> 00:19:21,655.5453029 Like you both have to be in ministry or you both have to be in the same type of career field. 148 00:19:21,655.5453029 --> 00:19:22,805.5453029 You both have to be in corporate. 149 00:19:23,105.5453029 --> 00:19:30,287.5366519 It's just, is this person supportive of my goals and can we build a life together? Because that is what you guys are doing. 150 00:19:30,297.5366519 --> 00:19:31,427.5366519 You guys are becoming one. 151 00:19:31,687.5366519 --> 00:19:47,974.4673081 Well, this mesh and can this person, you know, Support me onto where I'm going and can I support this man into where he wants to go? So how you discover this, like if you guys are kind of on different paths right now, like have serious conversations about your future together. 152 00:19:47,974.4683081 --> 00:20:02,614.4683081 And I would say do this very early in your dating life when you're dating somebody, like what are their goals? What, where do you guys align? Like what's the vision? Where are you guys similar? Where are you guys different? And if you can't align, then it may be best to just part. 153 00:20:02,919.4683081 --> 00:20:07,843.4882112 Ways because again, the last thing that you want to do is just to say, Oh, I can overlook this. 154 00:20:07,883.4882112 --> 00:20:09,163.4882112 Like, we'll figure it out. 155 00:20:09,443.4882112 --> 00:20:10,173.4872112 It'll be great. 156 00:20:10,173.4882112 --> 00:20:17,631.3103733 Whenever, you know, we start a family and have kids like, no, no, that's the worst thing that you can do is just overlook these things. 157 00:20:17,651.3093733 --> 00:20:24,981.0974352 They need to be talked about, flushed out and come to a place of mutual respect and alignment. 158 00:20:25,454.8630304 --> 00:20:32,204.8620304 So just wrapping up, you know, not every single red flag is a deal breaker, but some absolutely are. 159 00:20:32,499.3995355 --> 00:20:42,662.2987078 And so the main thing I believe through all of this is if you or your partner are willing to work through those issues and grow and you see changes, that. 160 00:20:42,995.6868141 --> 00:20:52,198.0917575 But if there's no sign of change or willingness to improve, or never saying sorry, and never admitting wrong, like, it may be time to walk away. 161 00:20:52,474.1300252 --> 00:21:15,643.2651676 so going over those points again, point A, if they aren't open to change or grow to be a better partner to you, this is a clear sign that, A serious conversation needs to happen and then potentially exiting the relationship if you don't see change The second thing are they constantly tear you down with their words judging you and nitpicking everything you do You don't feel like you can be yourself around them. 162 00:21:15,643.2651676 --> 00:21:36,294.1296924 You don't feel like you're safe around them You feel less than when you are with them This is a huge sign that it's time to walk away Number three, are there anger outbursts and abuse? This is definitely a non negotiable and you need to see change immediately and if not, it's time to get support and exit the relationship. 163 00:21:36,834.1296924 --> 00:21:53,725.9786507 Point four, is there consistent dishonesty? And when they, and when you bring this up to them, are they deflective? Are they not taking responsibility? Uh, do they continue to, to lie? Can't build a foundation of a healthy, honest relationship with a dishonest partner, maybe time to leave. 164 00:21:54,127.2510828 --> 00:22:01,802.5160695 And then the final point, is there an incompatibility in core values? Are you guys aligned with what you want out of life? This is your life partner. 165 00:22:02,105.598966 --> 00:22:09,844.9749835 The person you decide to marry is going to be the person that's either going to pull you away from the purpose that God has for you, or they're going to help push you forward into it. 166 00:22:10,150.8164013 --> 00:22:11,600.8164013 Make that decision wisely. 167 00:22:11,855.3028733 --> 00:22:23,19.881522 And again, if you need support in this, if you need to really flush this out and have conversation and kind of get out of your own head and have an outside perspective, unstacked coaching session with me. 168 00:22:23,239.6857616 --> 00:22:45,749.0041017 This Is definitely a topic we can touch on and I would love to truly help you through this because Again Who you decide to marry the second most important decision of your life And i'd be so honored to be that person to help support you in this especially if you don't have any other outside support So again, you can find that link at org slash unstuck session. 169 00:22:45,947.5841306 --> 00:22:53,57.5841306 Alright, I pray that this episode blesses you and I'll see you back here, same time, same place, next week. 170 00:22:53,263.2053675 --> 00:22:54,233.2053675 Bye friends. 171 00:22:54,524.5198144 --> 00:22:55,414.5198144 Hey, beautiful. 172 00:22:55,454.5198144 --> 00:22:59,24.5198144 I hope you loved hanging with me today and enjoyed the episode. 173 00:22:59,324.5198144 --> 00:23:13,454.5198144 If so, would you take just 30 seconds and share it with someone you love who may also want to heal from past relationships and love themselves again? Also, please scroll down and leave a quick written review for the show on Apple podcasts. 174 00:23:13,454.5198144 --> 00:23:18,854.5198144 This is the main way we can get this message out to our girlfriends all around the world. 175 00:23:19,129.5198144 --> 00:23:24,509.5198144 And it also just really blesses me to know and hear how this podcast is helping you. 176 00:23:24,579.5198144 --> 00:23:24,999.5198144 Okay. 177 00:23:25,99.5198144 --> 00:23:27,669.5198144 I need to get out of my sleds and get ready for date night. 178 00:23:27,829.5198144 --> 00:23:33,799.5198144 I'll meet you back here on Monday for another episode, sending you all the love until next time.
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