December 23, 2024 • 28 mins
Hi beautiful! ♥️
Have you ever paused to wonder if the struggles you’re facing in relationships today might trace back to your childhood? If you grew up with a narcissistic parent, it’s possible you’ve unconsciously absorbed toxic traits that are still showing up in your life.
In this episode, we’re exposing the sneaky ways these traits manifest in your daily life, the fears keeping you stuck in unhealthy patterns and your next step to start breaking free and rewriting your story.
This isn’t about blame—it’s about awareness and healing. You’ll walk away with the tools to understand your past, break free from its hold, and step into a future defined by confidence and self-love.
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “Why do I keep acting like this?”—this episode is for you!
See you on the inside!
Xo, Dani
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
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All right, I need to ask you something.
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Something that's kind of uncomfortable and hard to come to terms with. 3 00:00:07,682.4138936189 --> 00:00:33,382.413893619 Have you ever stopped and wondered if some of the struggles that you're facing in your relationships today might actually be coming from your childhood? Now stay with me here, you know, if you grew up with a narcissistic parent, which if you clicked on this episode, my guess is that you have, chances are that you've picked up some toxic traits without even realizing it. 4 00:00:34,132.413893619 --> 00:00:41,962.414893619 Things like needing to be right, things like people pleasing, or avoiding conflict at all costs. 5 00:00:42,660.19135373 --> 00:00:55,855.025241591 Do any of these sound familiar? Are they hitting a chord with you? In this episode, we're gonna be digging into the sneaky ways that these traits show up in your life today because you may not know what they are. 6 00:00:56,455.026241591 --> 00:01:00,65.026241591 The fears underneath them that are keeping you stuck. 7 00:01:00,95.026241591 --> 00:01:02,45.026241591 So getting to the root of them. 8 00:01:02,545.026241591 --> 00:01:06,295.026241591 And then we're gonna kind of do this a little differently than other episodes. 9 00:01:06,295.026241591 --> 00:01:12,625.027241591 Instead of giving you an action step at each point, I'm gonna give you the traits first. 10 00:01:12,655.025241591 --> 00:01:21,95.026241591 And then at the end I'm gonna give you one key step that you can work towards to finally start breaking free. 11 00:01:21,425.026241591 --> 00:01:26,185.026241591 And rewriting your freaking story so you can have healthy relationships. 12 00:01:26,755.026241591 --> 00:01:29,775.026241591 You know, this is not about blaming your parents. 13 00:01:30,85.026241591 --> 00:01:35,205.026241591 It's about finding freedom from the things that are keeping you stuck unconsciously. 14 00:01:35,900.026241591 --> 00:01:49,280.02624159 If you've ever wondered, why do I keep acting like this? Why can't I stop responding out of a place of anger or being triggered? Like, how do I, how do I quit this? This is an episode for you. 15 00:01:49,590.02624159 --> 00:01:50,840.02624159 Grab your journal girl. 16 00:01:50,850.02624159 --> 00:01:51,880.02624159 Let's heal together. 17 00:01:52,191.1516586 --> 00:01:57,231.1516586 Hey beautiful! Welcome to the Heal from Toxic Relationships podcast. 18 00:01:57,351.1516586 --> 00:02:20,51.1516586 Are you ready to break free from toxic relationship patterns and fully embrace a life filled with confidence, joy, and purpose? Do you find yourself questioning your self worth and wondering what God's plan for your life is? Or maybe you deeply fear being alone and struggle with the lack of boundaries due to your people pleasing tendencies. 19 00:02:20,101.1506586 --> 00:02:21,641.1506586 Well, sis, you're not alone. 20 00:02:21,711.1516586 --> 00:02:22,841.1516586 I've been there, too. 21 00:02:22,951.1516586 --> 00:02:30,121.1516586 Hey, I'm Dani, a Christian life coach, wife, recovering people pleaser, And a total girl's girl. 22 00:02:30,241.1516586 --> 00:02:41,381.1516586 For 10 years, I was stuck in a cycle of toxic, non committed relationships, and searching for my worth in men, my accomplishments, and the praise of other people. 23 00:02:41,421.1516586 --> 00:02:46,951.1516586 Until I found out how to heal my past emotional wounds with Christ at the center. 24 00:02:47,116.1516586 --> 00:03:02,296.1516586 In this podcast, you will find faith based healing tools, confidence building tips, and healthy relationship skills so that you become a God fearing, confident woman who attracts your husband while walking in your purpose with God. 25 00:03:02,436.1506586 --> 00:03:05,406.1516586 Grab your favorite mocktail and pop in the AirPods. 26 00:03:05,536.1516586 --> 00:03:11,556.1516586 It's time to overshare and overcome these obstacles together, one step at a time. 27 00:03:12,91.55203558 --> 00:03:32,571.55203558 Now, does the thought of fixing your relationships feel overwhelming, or fixing the damage that's taken place because of the relationships in your life? Maybe you've tried therapy, self help books, different small groups at your church, or even just powering through trying to handle it all alone. 28 00:03:32,921.55203558 --> 00:03:40,731.55203558 But nothing seems to stick or actually help you better your relationship with yourself, your partner, or with God. 29 00:03:41,261.55203558 --> 00:03:56,344.22525482 This is why I've created the unstuck relationship coaching session to make it so simple for you In just one one on one session, we're going to get to the heart of what's holding you back and create a personalized plan to help you move forward. 30 00:03:56,554.22525482 --> 00:04:01,914.22425482 No more guessing, no more wasted time, and no endless sessions that go nowhere. 31 00:04:02,604.22425482 --> 00:04:13,694.22425482 This isn't about doing it all at once, but it's about taking that first powerful step toward healing, building confidence, and lasting growth in your relationships. 32 00:04:13,919.31516391 --> 00:04:20,539.31516391 Let's make it easy to get unstuck and not to mention that I'm pretty much giving these away for free. 33 00:04:20,589.31516391 --> 00:04:25,799.31516391 For just 47, you can book your session at lovedanny. 34 00:04:26,299.31416391 --> 00:04:28,749.31416391 org forward slash unstuck session. 35 00:04:28,979.31616391 --> 00:04:34,549.31516391 That's lovedanny, D A N I, dot org forward slash unstuck session. 36 00:04:34,706.21516391 --> 00:04:38,466.21516391 I can't wait to see the word and the transformation that God has for you. 37 00:04:38,919.92809072 --> 00:04:50,729.92809071 Alright, let's dive into the training, You know, growing up with a narcissistic parent, it actually made me embody all seven of these toxic traits that we're about to talk about. 38 00:04:51,159.92809071 --> 00:04:51,859.92709071 All seven. 39 00:04:52,309.92809072 --> 00:04:56,559.92809072 So, if you resonate with some of them, don't feel bad because I've been in your shoes. 40 00:04:57,219.92809072 --> 00:05:18,159.92809071 All right, and I have just recently have been connecting the dots to you know one in particular this belief that love is conditional And I realized, you know, it was because I was only praised when I would accomplish something like get all these or keep up with my chores. 41 00:05:18,529.92809071 --> 00:05:22,139.92809071 And then I would get punished when I didn't meet expectations. 42 00:05:22,499.92809071 --> 00:05:31,530.98364627 And the punishment that I would get would be very, um, like attacking my identity every single time. 43 00:05:31,530.98364627 --> 00:05:39,359.92809072 And, uh, I just realized that I had a linked people's love for me to what I could do for them. 44 00:05:40,229.92809072 --> 00:05:54,779.92809071 And this led me to becoming such a massive people pleaser and a worrier At a very young age where I had to actually go to therapy for it And since then, you know, I found the lord and I've grown so much. 45 00:05:54,809.92709071 --> 00:06:01,23.2019626 Thank god And I actually still have to be aware when these beliefs try to come back in. 46 00:06:01,23.2019626 --> 00:06:09,533.2019626 They knock on my brain door and I have to really protect myself from it and talk to myself through it. 47 00:06:09,913.2009626 --> 00:06:15,833.2019626 And so I can't wait to share, you know, these seven toxic traits with you and then how to overcome them at the end. 48 00:06:16,85.53832624 --> 00:06:20,525.53832624 So the first toxic trait is this desire to control. 49 00:06:20,826.24718632 --> 00:06:31,914.05376205 And where this can come from is if you were living in a very chaotic, unpredictable environment, and I'm not just talking about physically unpredictable, but very emotionally unpredictable. 50 00:06:32,134.05276205 --> 00:06:46,334.05376205 If you had to walk on eggshells, or if you were in situations where you felt powerless, like you couldn't use your voice, you would get condemned for it, you'd be afraid to speak up, um, and you lack this autonomy. 51 00:06:46,674.05376205 --> 00:06:50,274.05376205 And it just ultimately made you feel like you lacked power. 52 00:06:50,544.05376205 --> 00:06:54,324.05376205 So control actually became like your goal. 53 00:06:54,514.05376205 --> 00:07:01,604.05376205 The thing that you felt like you lacked so much that now you need it so bad for you to feel safe. 54 00:07:02,624.05276205 --> 00:07:11,732.29269693 So how you know that you have this is if you find yourself micromanaging situations or people, I did this one a lot with my husband. 55 00:07:11,902.29269693 --> 00:07:14,272.29269693 I would micromanage all the things that he would do. 56 00:07:14,852.29269693 --> 00:07:21,510.61096968 Um, if you have anxiety when things don't go as planned, you like freak out, you go freak out mode. 57 00:07:22,210.61096968 --> 00:07:24,210.61096968 Um, and the third is struggle. 58 00:07:24,210.61096968 --> 00:07:27,420.60996968 If you struggle to trust others to handle things right. 59 00:07:27,759.47090267 --> 00:07:41,439.47090267 Um, and the interesting thing about the underlying fear in this is that you actually have this fear of vulnerability and feeling powerless again. 60 00:07:41,974.18796518 --> 00:07:46,444.18796518 So it may be hard for you to ask for help because you don't want to seem like you don't have it all together. 61 00:07:46,914.18796518 --> 00:07:48,214.18796518 Like, you're vulnerable. 62 00:07:48,659.60216791 --> 00:07:51,939.60216791 and you don't want to move into feeling powerless. 63 00:07:51,959.60216791 --> 00:08:03,369.60216791 Like, you've adopted this, like, I can do it, like, I don't need anybody else type of energy because of the narcissistic parent that you had and living in a chaotic environment. 64 00:08:04,5.53506952 --> 00:08:09,35.53606952 The second toxic trait is the need to be right and or perfectionism. 65 00:08:10,885.53606952 --> 00:08:23,447.21035179 The root cause of this is if you have a narcissistic parent, they often will equate mistakes with failure and then with unworthiness. 66 00:08:24,122.57374584 --> 00:08:27,822.57374584 Like I kind of said before, when I would get punished, it would be linked. 67 00:08:27,852.57374584 --> 00:08:30,292.57374584 The words would be linked to my identity. 68 00:08:30,892.57374584 --> 00:08:40,82.57274584 And so you have now learned to avoid mistakes and to gain approval or avoid criticism. 69 00:08:40,82.57274584 --> 00:08:42,772.57374584 Like this becomes your motivator, this internal drive. 70 00:08:42,772.57374584 --> 00:08:44,382.57374584 This is something that you've picked up. 71 00:08:44,382.57374584 --> 00:08:46,792.57374584 You feel like this is something that is part of you. 72 00:08:46,802.57374584 --> 00:08:48,672.57374584 Like you have to be perfect. 73 00:08:48,982.57374584 --> 00:08:52,22.57374584 And if you're right, I mean, and if you're not right. 74 00:08:52,342.57374584 --> 00:08:53,182.57374584 You're a failure. 75 00:08:53,780.06134692 --> 00:09:13,605.06234692 and how, how you know if you're being affected by this is if you have this overachieving or obsession with over perfection in tasks and maybe it actually keeps you from moving forward and starting things because you have this fear of, of, um, not being perfect when you start. 76 00:09:13,895.06234692 --> 00:09:15,585.06134692 also, This is a huge one. 77 00:09:15,815.06234692 --> 00:09:28,345.06234692 If you become defensive when you are criticized and if you read Proverbs, Proverbs tells us that the wise man is going to love critique and the fool hates critique. 78 00:09:29,230.06234692 --> 00:09:37,279.07115806 And so, if you find yourself being defensive when you're criticized, this is linked to the effects that that narcissistic parent had on you. 79 00:09:37,684.24032128 --> 00:09:42,734.24032128 You have this deep fear of making the wrong decision and it's keeping you stagnant. 80 00:09:43,354.94903727 --> 00:09:49,374.94903727 So the underlying fear of all of this is a fear of rejection. 81 00:09:49,894.94903727 --> 00:09:55,387.58790988 So you probably have a rejection wound or an abandonment wound from a parent. 82 00:09:56,182.440644 --> 00:10:00,345.73018127 And you actually have this deep belief that you're unworthy. 83 00:10:00,755.73018127 --> 00:10:01,775.73018127 You're not enough. 84 00:10:02,115.73018127 --> 00:10:04,345.73018127 And to be enough, you have to be perfect. 85 00:10:04,855.21986805 --> 00:10:07,165.21986805 I know, I already know that's a big one for a lot of you women. 86 00:10:08,355.21986805 --> 00:10:13,345.21986805 Now the third toxic trait is this toxic independence. 87 00:10:14,85.21986805 --> 00:10:16,429.73666943 Misindependent! That was me. 88 00:10:16,719.73666943 --> 00:10:18,59.73566943 I needed to be independent. 89 00:10:18,529.73566943 --> 00:10:31,189.73666943 And the root cause of this is when your emotional needs are unmet in childhood, you learn that relying on others led to disappointment or rejection. 90 00:10:31,717.30691963 --> 00:10:32,767.30691963 That's a possibility. 91 00:10:33,148.63131806 --> 00:10:38,347.87780618 it could also be just the way that your parent taught you, like, raised you. 92 00:10:38,417.87880618 --> 00:10:41,347.87880618 This comes a lot of times from single moms. 93 00:10:41,607.87880618 --> 00:10:52,442.87880618 Like, if they've been hurt by, you know, a man, they can really instill this belief, like, you have to be independent, don't rely on a man, which I'm not saying, like, You know, don't a hundred percent rely on a man. 94 00:10:52,452.87880618 --> 00:11:02,972.87780618 Like there's an interdependence that I have with my husband, but it was hard for us to get there because I had this toxic independent mentality where I wouldn't let him in all the way. 95 00:11:03,375.55904575 --> 00:11:08,295.55904575 So this independence has actually become your armor against vulnerability. 96 00:11:08,295.55904575 --> 00:11:09,785.46004575 So it, it actually, okay. 97 00:11:10,65.56004575 --> 00:11:21,629.18425094 Keeps you, um, from opening up, from letting down your guard, to receive love and help the way that a man, the right man, wants to give you. 98 00:11:22,739.18425094 --> 00:11:37,784.18525094 And how you know that you're living in this, right, how it manifests, is if you refuse help, even when it's necessary, If you feel overly burdened because you can't rely on anyone else, like you like feel like it has to be me. 99 00:11:37,834.18525094 --> 00:11:38,904.18525094 I have to get it done. 100 00:11:39,184.18525094 --> 00:11:40,894.18525094 No, I don't want anyone else's help. 101 00:11:41,363.07083231 --> 00:12:01,130.72155585 And also if you find yourself avoiding close relationships out of this fear of dependency or letting them in right to see the real you and underlying fear under this, is actually the fear of vulnerability, of being let down. 102 00:12:01,320.72155585 --> 00:12:03,0.72155585 You're afraid of getting hurt again. 103 00:12:03,0.72155585 --> 00:12:10,380.72155585 You're afraid of letting someone in and then taking everything from you, taking time from you, taking your energy, um, your love. 104 00:12:10,926.34125408 --> 00:12:20,335.98887795 and so you're masking that with this hyper independence because you're, you have a fear of being let down And rejected or abandoned, ultimately. 105 00:12:21,160.34630289 --> 00:12:26,250.34630289 Now, the fourth fear is a fear of conflict or rejection. 106 00:12:26,677.52054564 --> 00:12:28,307.52054564 so we've talked about rejection a lot. 107 00:12:28,307.52054564 --> 00:12:38,317.52154564 Rejection is a huge wound that causes a lot of after, um, aftermath and, um, like trauma responses. 108 00:12:38,812.52154564 --> 00:12:51,79.55388935 So the root cause of having this sort of conflict or rejection is a narcissistic parent or parents that you had, they often punished you, when you disagreed with them. 109 00:12:51,219.55388935 --> 00:12:57,389.55388935 Like you couldn't have an opinion, and so anytime you would express that, you would get punished for it. 110 00:12:58,39.55388935 --> 00:13:02,649.55388935 Um, or they withdrew love from you during conflict. 111 00:13:02,679.55388935 --> 00:13:04,569.55388935 They didn't, you know, address. 112 00:13:05,59.55388935 --> 00:13:12,122.20845733 It would give you consequences out of love, but it was out of anger, um, or hate, and you could feel that energy. 113 00:13:12,618.97922332 --> 00:13:19,348.97922332 And so you learn subconsciously that avoiding confrontation was safer than asserting your needs. 114 00:13:19,388.97922332 --> 00:13:22,818.97922332 So this leads you into like the people pleasing category as well. 115 00:13:23,158.97922332 --> 00:13:28,778.97922332 And also either escaping conflict, fleeing from it, not wanting to face it. 116 00:13:29,118.97822332 --> 00:13:32,8.97922332 Um, these are my fall off the face of the earth people. 117 00:13:32,8.97922332 --> 00:13:42,601.21054439 If there's any sign of conflict, um, other ways that you can know that you're being affected by this is if you avoid difficult conversations or disagreements. 118 00:13:42,601.21054439 --> 00:13:46,521.21104439 Like, again, Bye bye, you're, you're not there to face it. 119 00:13:47,191.21104439 --> 00:14:07,271.21104439 Um, also if you overanalyze interactions for signs of disapproval, like you get into your overthinking head, man, like you overanalyze every word you said, interaction, do they like me? Do they not? Was it, was it something that I said weird? Of course, you know, this is the enemy playing into this rejection wound. 120 00:14:07,641.21104439 --> 00:14:11,201.21104439 Um, but this is a sign that you actually have that rejection wound. 121 00:14:11,886.33339936 --> 00:14:28,226.33239936 Also, if you have a habit of bottling up resentment due to these unexpressed feelings, because again, you don't want conflict, you don't want to anger somebody, you want to avoid it at all costs, because this has become your safety mechanism. 122 00:14:28,556.33339936 --> 00:14:30,766.33239936 It's how you've protected yourself for so long. 123 00:14:31,716.33239936 --> 00:14:41,721.33339936 And so this underlying fear, Because of this, where this fear of conflict or injection comes from, is that you just have that abandonment wound. 124 00:14:41,961.33339936 --> 00:14:46,621.33339936 You have a fear of being abandoned again, or losing connection to someone. 125 00:14:47,37.78272562 --> 00:14:49,887.78372562 Like, that is that ultimate fear for you. 126 00:14:50,446.58208742 --> 00:14:52,731.50591542 Now, toxic trait number five. 127 00:14:53,143.30124673 --> 00:14:57,353.30224673 We've talked about this one a little bit, but it deserves its own, because it's so huge. 128 00:14:57,938.30224673 --> 00:15:01,548.30224673 You have these people pleasing tendencies. 129 00:15:01,668.30224673 --> 00:15:07,438.30124673 This is a total toxic trait, right? And a lot of times it takes years for people to break out of. 130 00:15:07,468.30224673 --> 00:15:09,588.30224673 I'm still working through this. 131 00:15:09,668.30224673 --> 00:15:09,918.30224673 Okay. 132 00:15:09,918.30224673 --> 00:15:10,968.30124673 This one is a hard one. 133 00:15:11,598.30224673 --> 00:15:23,438.30224673 The root cause of this is when you have narcissistic parents that has conditioned you to seek approval to gain affection or to avoid punishment. 134 00:15:23,923.30224673 --> 00:15:35,483.30124673 So, you have to be approved to then be loved, or you have to, you will, you will have approval if you don't get punished. 135 00:15:36,423.30224673 --> 00:15:41,923.30224673 And so, pleasing your parent, because that's what you want to do when you're a child. 136 00:15:41,923.30224673 --> 00:15:45,93.30224673 You want your, your parent to be proud of you, to be happy. 137 00:15:45,183.30224673 --> 00:15:47,243.30224673 They're your safe space, they're your person. 138 00:15:47,728.30224673 --> 00:15:50,338.30224673 They're your source of truth when you're a child. 139 00:15:50,858.30224673 --> 00:15:57,948.30224673 And so these pleasing others now, it's, it's come into all areas of your life and has become a part of your identity now. 140 00:15:58,748.30224673 --> 00:16:02,338.30124673 It has become a survival mechanism for you to feel valued. 141 00:16:02,678.30224673 --> 00:16:06,378.30224673 Oh, I will be valued as long as this person likes me. 142 00:16:06,478.30224673 --> 00:16:22,799.16168008 So you get your value and your worth based off of The level that you're liked by other people, how many people like you, how many people, uh, how many enemies do you have? If you have no enemies, you feel like you are, you are a value and you have worth. 143 00:16:23,150.62704426 --> 00:16:24,868.08563495 other ways that you know, you're a people pleaser. 144 00:16:24,868.08563495 --> 00:16:31,388.08563495 And I feel like I don't have to list these because you probably already know, but you're constantly prioritizing other people's needs over your own. 145 00:16:31,748.08563495 --> 00:16:36,248.08563495 Now I'm not saying because the Bible tells us, uh, we must love others. 146 00:16:36,438.98561148 --> 00:16:37,948.98561148 As much as ourselves. 147 00:16:38,228.98561148 --> 00:16:46,438.9856115 So loving others and caring for their needs is, above our own, is not a bad, um, way to live. 148 00:16:46,748.9846115 --> 00:16:49,418.9856115 As long as it doesn't get to a toxic place. 149 00:16:49,796.7819678 --> 00:17:02,526.7819678 For example, if like, you have people walking all over your boundaries and you're not able to take care of yourself, you're not operating at the level that, um, a health, like the healthy you would, then it's time for you to start saying no. 150 00:17:02,766.7809678 --> 00:17:14,856.7819678 So that's also a sign if you struggle with setting boundaries, you struggle with saying no, because you don't want this person to get angry or to not like you, this is a sign you're a bit of a people pleaser. 151 00:17:15,394.2936618 --> 00:17:30,177.3575103 Also, find yourself burning out from overextending yourself, from saying yes all the time to everyone, to everything, this is a total sign, sis, that you are living as a people pleaser and we gotta work through it. 152 00:17:31,17.3575103 --> 00:17:38,507.3575103 The underlying fear here, which, it's not a surprise, you have this fear of rejection. 153 00:17:39,117.3575103 --> 00:17:43,677.3575103 You don't want to be rejected and you don't want to be seen as unworthy. 154 00:17:43,677.3575103 --> 00:17:50,169.9224696 You have a fear of loss, Now, the sixth toxic trait is is codependency. 155 00:17:50,389.9224696 --> 00:17:54,439.9224696 This is such a big one for so many of you that I already know. 156 00:17:54,729.9224696 --> 00:18:02,349.9224696 And the root cause of this is if your narcissistic parent ever made you feel responsible for their emotions and their well being. 157 00:18:02,659.9224696 --> 00:18:05,709.9214696 This looks like, I can't believe you did this to me. 158 00:18:06,90.3493041 --> 00:18:28,161.8495131 I can't believe you acted this way, you made me look like a fool, you made me look like XYZ, if you do this it'll make me really happy, all these words, and there's so many other examples, but all those makes you feel like you're responsible for your parents emotions and their happiness and if they are doing well in life. 159 00:18:28,751.5141495 --> 00:19:01,163.9074058 This is such a deep wound and a toxic thing to be affected by and so if you've gone through that and any of these like i'm truly I want to work with you I want us to to really heal from this because you can be set free from these things And I know it's affecting all areas of your life So because of this, because you felt like you were that emotional support system for your parent and it was all on you, you have internalized this belief that your value actually comes from taking care of other people. 160 00:19:01,443.9084058 --> 00:19:08,663.9084058 I was actually talking to a girl, it was part of a therapy session and she said that she took care of her mom's for so long. 161 00:19:08,663.9084058 --> 00:19:10,803.9084058 She's 60 years old. 162 00:19:11,548.9084058 --> 00:19:12,428.9084058 Six years old. 163 00:19:12,918.9084058 --> 00:19:19,888.9074058 She just started therapy because her mom passed, and once her mom passed, she felt like she was worthless. 164 00:19:20,368.9084058 --> 00:19:21,748.9084058 That she had no value. 165 00:19:21,938.9084058 --> 00:19:23,248.9079058 She didn't know what to do with her life. 166 00:19:23,248.9079058 --> 00:19:24,528.9084058 She had no purpose. 167 00:19:24,748.9074058 --> 00:19:32,958.9084058 And that, my friends, is an example of a grown woman feeling like her purpose was in her mother. 168 00:19:33,908.9084058 --> 00:19:35,458.9084058 Co dependency. 169 00:19:35,968.8031161 --> 00:19:44,802.3931829 how this shows up in your life, how you know, like, Daniel, how do I know if I'm codependent? If you struggle to make decisions without other people's input. 170 00:19:45,570.1382657 --> 00:19:50,30.1382657 I struggle with that for so long, and you have to actually practice making decisions on your own. 171 00:19:50,630.1382657 --> 00:19:58,560.1392657 Um, also, if you over identify with other people's emotions, and you feel responsible for fixing them. 172 00:19:59,910.1392657 --> 00:20:09,570.1392657 Talking to me! Also, if you lose your sense of self in relationships, these are all signs of codependency. 173 00:20:10,70.1392657 --> 00:20:21,800.1392657 Okay? If you're like saying yes to everything that your partner wants and it's denying your needs, you're suppressing your own needs because you feel like, okay, this is the only way they'll be happy. 174 00:20:21,800.1392657 --> 00:20:23,180.1392657 And if they're happy, then I'm happy. 175 00:20:23,595.1392657 --> 00:20:25,75.1392657 Sister, codependency. 176 00:20:25,75.2392657 --> 00:20:25,545.1392657 Uh uh. 177 00:20:25,555.1392657 --> 00:20:29,455.1392657 We've got to fix that before you move into another relationship, like period, point blank. 178 00:20:29,655.1392657 --> 00:20:33,845.1382657 If you're in a relationship and you notice yourself being codependent, we got to fix that ASAP. 179 00:20:34,215.1392657 --> 00:20:34,565.1392657 All right. 180 00:20:34,565.1392657 --> 00:20:39,405.1382657 It's only going to send you down to a, a, a, a bad downward spiral and it's not going to end well. 181 00:20:40,210.8442804 --> 00:20:47,90.8442804 The underlying fear here is again, this fear of being abandoned or not being needed. 182 00:20:48,10.8442804 --> 00:20:50,820.8442804 And when you feel like you're not needed, you lose all value. 183 00:20:51,277.6504132 --> 00:20:59,327.6504132 Right? So your sense of self, like the confidence in you, the purpose that you seek between you and God, is very low. 184 00:21:00,77.6504132 --> 00:21:03,917.6504132 Your identity is, is, is, is rooted in the wrong thing. 185 00:21:04,883.0574212 --> 00:21:11,593.0584212 And then, finally, the seventh toxic trait is if you have difficulty setting boundaries. 186 00:21:12,83.0584212 --> 00:21:17,93.0584212 And the root cause of this is because your boundaries weren't respected in your childhood. 187 00:21:17,593.0584212 --> 00:21:24,178.0584212 And asserting them Led to punishment or manipulation, making you feel bad. 188 00:21:24,638.0584212 --> 00:21:24,978.0584212 Okay. 189 00:21:24,978.0584212 --> 00:21:29,625.9928443 Making you feel like you are, less than or that you didn't care about them. 190 00:21:29,936.7587185 --> 00:21:39,816.6678094 List goes on and on and so because of that, you have learned, it's a belief in you that setting boundaries jeopardize your relationships or your safety. 191 00:21:40,396.6678094 --> 00:21:42,281.2128062 So now, you're afraid. 192 00:21:42,311.2128062 --> 00:21:43,671.2128062 You're afraid to set a boundary. 193 00:21:43,681.2128062 --> 00:21:47,191.2128062 You're afraid and you struggle with saying no, even when it's necessary. 194 00:21:47,211.2128062 --> 00:21:48,831.2128062 So you just say yes. 195 00:21:49,301.2118062 --> 00:21:53,911.2118062 This leads you to feeling drained or resentful and you're unsure how to stop it. 196 00:21:54,338.4318512 --> 00:22:00,338.4308512 And you constantly allow other people to overstep your limits without consequences. 197 00:22:00,858.4308512 --> 00:22:04,508.4308512 Guys, God gives us consequences for our actions. 198 00:22:04,888.4318512 --> 00:22:12,708.4318512 We can't be everyone's hero and it's not up to us to kid when you cancel people's consequences It actually does them more harm. 199 00:22:12,978.4318512 --> 00:22:38,223.5505641 What if god canceled our consequences? For our sins and our bad decisions We wouldn't learn right He disciplines us and call it discipline or he encourages parents to discipline their children because that's how you build character That's how you teach God always does it in truth and in love But you're stripping this other person from the natural consequence that happens when they overstep a boundary. 200 00:22:38,476.6091548 --> 00:22:41,528.5870723 you're not ever going to build a boundary with that person if you continue to do that. 201 00:22:41,841.0111054 --> 00:22:48,87.3278271 and the underlying fear of this is you just have this fear of conflict or losing love. 202 00:22:48,366.398501 --> 00:22:52,496.398501 Which we talked about earlier, it goes deeper to this fear of abandonment. 203 00:22:53,176.398501 --> 00:22:57,586.398501 So many of these either end in like a fear of abandonment or a fear of rejection. 204 00:22:57,766.397501 --> 00:23:07,66.398501 Which are both wounds, abandonment is a wound of abuse, like you've been abandoned, it's a form of abuse. 205 00:23:07,486.398501 --> 00:23:15,96.398501 And then rejection is its own thing, like rejection wound is so huge and the enemy uses that, like, he goes ham. 206 00:23:15,96.398501 --> 00:23:17,551.398501 It's when you have this rejection wound. 207 00:23:17,937.6506029 --> 00:23:22,86.6645944 So I want to give you like a way out, right? I want to set you free from this. 208 00:23:22,285.4827762 --> 00:23:26,485.4827762 So first I want you to know that these behaviors do not define your identity. 209 00:23:26,805.4827762 --> 00:23:37,535.4817762 If you are struggling with one of these, you recognize, man, I'm 7 out of 7, okay, like I was, then I don't want you to get down on yourself, it's just an awareness, this is an awareness episode. 210 00:23:38,5.4817762 --> 00:23:41,385.4827762 This is for you, the first starting point to setting you free. 211 00:23:41,655.4827762 --> 00:23:43,975.4827762 These things are not who you are. 212 00:23:44,345.4827762 --> 00:23:48,915.4827762 They're just conditioned responses that can be unlearned. 213 00:23:49,93.2996974 --> 00:23:49,433.2996974 Okay. 214 00:23:49,706.1680745 --> 00:24:06,325.0438735 So the one solution for all of these, right, we could do, I could go into every single one, but we don't have time on this, but this one solution that will really help you no matter which one you struggle with as you want to practice self awareness and reparenting yourself. 215 00:24:06,801.7194417 --> 00:24:40,637.0203593 So what self awareness is, and how you cultivate this, is you just begin noticing when these traits show up in your behavior, and you want to journal and reflect on what sparked that, how did it make you feel, what did you do in response to that feeling, and And what do you want to do differently? Where does that come from? What can I, can I draw that back to, and then what do I want to do differently? This can help you identify patterns and then give you a way and plan forward. 216 00:24:40,839.2759047 --> 00:24:45,369.2759047 And then you want to link that with reparenting yourself. 217 00:24:45,514.9207911 --> 00:24:56,705.6871598 So instead of just relying on, like, surviving these things, you want to give yourself what your parent couldn't give you at that time. 218 00:24:57,192.0282623 --> 00:25:00,212.0292623 So, number one, we have the Lord. 219 00:25:00,312.0292623 --> 00:25:03,372.0292623 We're allowing God to reparent us. 220 00:25:03,912.0292623 --> 00:25:08,892.0292623 We're allowing God to sit at that role of good, good father. 221 00:25:09,189.011883 --> 00:25:21,479.011883 And he's our source of unconditional love, of patience, and acceptance, and you just need to come into a relationship with him to receive that, and then also give that to yourself. 222 00:25:21,668.7225108 --> 00:25:29,148.7225108 And this just looks like, you know, when you feel the need to control, remind yourself that you are in God's right hand. 223 00:25:29,658.7225108 --> 00:25:38,358.7235108 That you are, that he is your safety net and that you are safe even when you're not in control because the God of the universe is in control. 224 00:25:38,610.4162192 --> 00:25:48,542.9054488 When perfectionism arises, you want to affirm yourself that your worth isn't tied to your achievements, but it's already defined by the living God. 225 00:25:48,872.1476529 --> 00:25:49,652.1476529 And he's got you. 226 00:25:49,652.1476529 --> 00:25:51,132.1476529 He's going to pick you up when you fall. 227 00:25:51,372.1476529 --> 00:25:56,542.1476529 And he wants you to move forward and not get stuck in perfectionism. 228 00:25:56,805.1777959 --> 00:26:14,804.091469 and a really cool exercise that I did before is, like if you want to isolate any of these, you can choose one, whichever one stands out to you the most, and you can ask yourself, okay, when did I first feel abandoned or rejected? Right? Whatever the underlying fear is. 229 00:26:15,104.091469 --> 00:26:20,284.2072938 When did I first have a fear of conflict? Route that back to the first time you felt that way. 230 00:26:20,543.9290322 --> 00:26:25,185.7957237 And then write yourself a letter to that version of you. 231 00:26:25,185.7957237 --> 00:26:29,22.6284327 Whether you were 6 years old, 12, 15. 232 00:26:29,411.5955649 --> 00:26:34,66.6095185 Write yourself a letter and tell yourself exactly what you needed to hear at that point. 233 00:26:34,430.8590483 --> 00:26:36,770.8590483 And then I want you to read it out loud to yourself. 234 00:26:37,9.6130758 --> 00:26:38,439.6120758 And give yourself that love. 235 00:26:38,893.5101629 --> 00:26:47,977.9977778 Now again, if you want some support in this, Go ahead, book that freakin 47 Unstuck Relationship Coaching Session. 236 00:26:48,17.9977778 --> 00:26:57,307.9977778 I would be so honored and overjoyed to help you through this or something else in terms of your relationship with yourself, within your relationship, or even your relationship with God. 237 00:26:57,737.9977778 --> 00:27:00,427.9967778 Like, I would love to walk through this with you. 238 00:27:00,517.9977778 --> 00:27:03,287.9987778 You can book that at lovedanny. 239 00:27:03,327.9977778 --> 00:27:06,67.9977778 org forward slash unstuck session. 240 00:27:06,216.0159596 --> 00:27:10,911.0337863 And of course, if you want to hang out with me in between episodes, come on over to our free community. 241 00:27:10,947.2188716 --> 00:27:13,387.2188716 You can find that at the link in the show notes below. 242 00:27:13,501.1166834 --> 00:27:16,291.1166834 I would love for you to share your takeaways from this episode. 243 00:27:16,341.1166834 --> 00:27:18,811.1166834 Which one that you resonated with the most. 244 00:27:19,101.1166834 --> 00:27:26,620.4296397 And of course I can offer you some support and reflection questions that are specific to the thing that you're, that's kind of coming up for you over in that community. 245 00:27:26,866.8801788 --> 00:27:36,88.0664521 I love you so much and God loves you even more And I can't wait to see you back here again Same time same place next week Big hugs. 246 00:27:36,268.0674521 --> 00:27:37,767.4276035 Bye Hey, beautiful. 247 00:27:37,807.4276035 --> 00:27:41,377.4276035 I hope you loved hanging with me today and enjoyed the episode. 248 00:27:41,677.4276035 --> 00:27:55,807.4276035 If so, would you take just 30 seconds and share it with someone you love who may also want to heal from past relationships and love themselves again? Also, please scroll down and leave a quick written review for the show on Apple podcasts. 249 00:27:55,807.4276035 --> 00:28:01,207.4276035 This is the main way we can get this message out to our girlfriends all around the world. 250 00:28:01,482.4276035 --> 00:28:06,862.4276035 And it also just really blesses me to know and hear how this podcast is helping you. 251 00:28:06,932.4276035 --> 00:28:07,352.4276035 Okay. 252 00:28:07,452.4276035 --> 00:28:10,22.4276035 I need to get out of my sleds and get ready for date night. 253 00:28:10,182.4276035 --> 00:28:16,152.4276035 I'll meet you back here on Monday for another episode, sending you all the love until next time.
All right, I need to ask you something.
(00:02):
Something that's kind of uncomfortable and hard to come to terms with. 3 00:00:07,682.4138936189 --> 00:00:33,382.413893619 Have you ever stopped and wondered if some of the struggles that you're facing in your relationships today might actually be coming from your childhood? Now stay with me here, you know, if you grew up with a narcissistic parent, which if you clicked on this episode, my guess is that you have, chances are that you've picked up some toxic traits without even realizing it. 4 00:00:34,132.413893619 --> 00:00:41,962.414893619 Things like needing to be right, things like people pleasing, or avoiding conflict at all costs. 5 00:00:42,660.19135373 --> 00:00:55,855.025241591 Do any of these sound familiar? Are they hitting a chord with you? In this episode, we're gonna be digging into the sneaky ways that these traits show up in your life today because you may not know what they are. 6 00:00:56,455.026241591 --> 00:01:00,65.026241591 The fears underneath them that are keeping you stuck. 7 00:01:00,95.026241591 --> 00:01:02,45.026241591 So getting to the root of them. 8 00:01:02,545.026241591 --> 00:01:06,295.026241591 And then we're gonna kind of do this a little differently than other episodes. 9 00:01:06,295.026241591 --> 00:01:12,625.027241591 Instead of giving you an action step at each point, I'm gonna give you the traits first. 10 00:01:12,655.025241591 --> 00:01:21,95.026241591 And then at the end I'm gonna give you one key step that you can work towards to finally start breaking free. 11 00:01:21,425.026241591 --> 00:01:26,185.026241591 And rewriting your freaking story so you can have healthy relationships. 12 00:01:26,755.026241591 --> 00:01:29,775.026241591 You know, this is not about blaming your parents. 13 00:01:30,85.026241591 --> 00:01:35,205.026241591 It's about finding freedom from the things that are keeping you stuck unconsciously. 14 00:01:35,900.026241591 --> 00:01:49,280.02624159 If you've ever wondered, why do I keep acting like this? Why can't I stop responding out of a place of anger or being triggered? Like, how do I, how do I quit this? This is an episode for you. 15 00:01:49,590.02624159 --> 00:01:50,840.02624159 Grab your journal girl. 16 00:01:50,850.02624159 --> 00:01:51,880.02624159 Let's heal together. 17 00:01:52,191.1516586 --> 00:01:57,231.1516586 Hey beautiful! Welcome to the Heal from Toxic Relationships podcast. 18 00:01:57,351.1516586 --> 00:02:20,51.1516586 Are you ready to break free from toxic relationship patterns and fully embrace a life filled with confidence, joy, and purpose? Do you find yourself questioning your self worth and wondering what God's plan for your life is? Or maybe you deeply fear being alone and struggle with the lack of boundaries due to your people pleasing tendencies. 19 00:02:20,101.1506586 --> 00:02:21,641.1506586 Well, sis, you're not alone. 20 00:02:21,711.1516586 --> 00:02:22,841.1516586 I've been there, too. 21 00:02:22,951.1516586 --> 00:02:30,121.1516586 Hey, I'm Dani, a Christian life coach, wife, recovering people pleaser, And a total girl's girl. 22 00:02:30,241.1516586 --> 00:02:41,381.1516586 For 10 years, I was stuck in a cycle of toxic, non committed relationships, and searching for my worth in men, my accomplishments, and the praise of other people. 23 00:02:41,421.1516586 --> 00:02:46,951.1516586 Until I found out how to heal my past emotional wounds with Christ at the center. 24 00:02:47,116.1516586 --> 00:03:02,296.1516586 In this podcast, you will find faith based healing tools, confidence building tips, and healthy relationship skills so that you become a God fearing, confident woman who attracts your husband while walking in your purpose with God. 25 00:03:02,436.1506586 --> 00:03:05,406.1516586 Grab your favorite mocktail and pop in the AirPods. 26 00:03:05,536.1516586 --> 00:03:11,556.1516586 It's time to overshare and overcome these obstacles together, one step at a time. 27 00:03:12,91.55203558 --> 00:03:32,571.55203558 Now, does the thought of fixing your relationships feel overwhelming, or fixing the damage that's taken place because of the relationships in your life? Maybe you've tried therapy, self help books, different small groups at your church, or even just powering through trying to handle it all alone. 28 00:03:32,921.55203558 --> 00:03:40,731.55203558 But nothing seems to stick or actually help you better your relationship with yourself, your partner, or with God. 29 00:03:41,261.55203558 --> 00:03:56,344.22525482 This is why I've created the unstuck relationship coaching session to make it so simple for you In just one one on one session, we're going to get to the heart of what's holding you back and create a personalized plan to help you move forward. 30 00:03:56,554.22525482 --> 00:04:01,914.22425482 No more guessing, no more wasted time, and no endless sessions that go nowhere. 31 00:04:02,604.22425482 --> 00:04:13,694.22425482 This isn't about doing it all at once, but it's about taking that first powerful step toward healing, building confidence, and lasting growth in your relationships. 32 00:04:13,919.31516391 --> 00:04:20,539.31516391 Let's make it easy to get unstuck and not to mention that I'm pretty much giving these away for free. 33 00:04:20,589.31516391 --> 00:04:25,799.31516391 For just 47, you can book your session at lovedanny. 34 00:04:26,299.31416391 --> 00:04:28,749.31416391 org forward slash unstuck session. 35 00:04:28,979.31616391 --> 00:04:34,549.31516391 That's lovedanny, D A N I, dot org forward slash unstuck session. 36 00:04:34,706.21516391 --> 00:04:38,466.21516391 I can't wait to see the word and the transformation that God has for you. 37 00:04:38,919.92809072 --> 00:04:50,729.92809071 Alright, let's dive into the training, You know, growing up with a narcissistic parent, it actually made me embody all seven of these toxic traits that we're about to talk about. 38 00:04:51,159.92809071 --> 00:04:51,859.92709071 All seven. 39 00:04:52,309.92809072 --> 00:04:56,559.92809072 So, if you resonate with some of them, don't feel bad because I've been in your shoes. 40 00:04:57,219.92809072 --> 00:05:18,159.92809071 All right, and I have just recently have been connecting the dots to you know one in particular this belief that love is conditional And I realized, you know, it was because I was only praised when I would accomplish something like get all these or keep up with my chores. 41 00:05:18,529.92809071 --> 00:05:22,139.92809071 And then I would get punished when I didn't meet expectations. 42 00:05:22,499.92809071 --> 00:05:31,530.98364627 And the punishment that I would get would be very, um, like attacking my identity every single time. 43 00:05:31,530.98364627 --> 00:05:39,359.92809072 And, uh, I just realized that I had a linked people's love for me to what I could do for them. 44 00:05:40,229.92809072 --> 00:05:54,779.92809071 And this led me to becoming such a massive people pleaser and a worrier At a very young age where I had to actually go to therapy for it And since then, you know, I found the lord and I've grown so much. 45 00:05:54,809.92709071 --> 00:06:01,23.2019626 Thank god And I actually still have to be aware when these beliefs try to come back in. 46 00:06:01,23.2019626 --> 00:06:09,533.2019626 They knock on my brain door and I have to really protect myself from it and talk to myself through it. 47 00:06:09,913.2009626 --> 00:06:15,833.2019626 And so I can't wait to share, you know, these seven toxic traits with you and then how to overcome them at the end. 48 00:06:16,85.53832624 --> 00:06:20,525.53832624 So the first toxic trait is this desire to control. 49 00:06:20,826.24718632 --> 00:06:31,914.05376205 And where this can come from is if you were living in a very chaotic, unpredictable environment, and I'm not just talking about physically unpredictable, but very emotionally unpredictable. 50 00:06:32,134.05276205 --> 00:06:46,334.05376205 If you had to walk on eggshells, or if you were in situations where you felt powerless, like you couldn't use your voice, you would get condemned for it, you'd be afraid to speak up, um, and you lack this autonomy. 51 00:06:46,674.05376205 --> 00:06:50,274.05376205 And it just ultimately made you feel like you lacked power. 52 00:06:50,544.05376205 --> 00:06:54,324.05376205 So control actually became like your goal. 53 00:06:54,514.05376205 --> 00:07:01,604.05376205 The thing that you felt like you lacked so much that now you need it so bad for you to feel safe. 54 00:07:02,624.05276205 --> 00:07:11,732.29269693 So how you know that you have this is if you find yourself micromanaging situations or people, I did this one a lot with my husband. 55 00:07:11,902.29269693 --> 00:07:14,272.29269693 I would micromanage all the things that he would do. 56 00:07:14,852.29269693 --> 00:07:21,510.61096968 Um, if you have anxiety when things don't go as planned, you like freak out, you go freak out mode. 57 00:07:22,210.61096968 --> 00:07:24,210.61096968 Um, and the third is struggle. 58 00:07:24,210.61096968 --> 00:07:27,420.60996968 If you struggle to trust others to handle things right. 59 00:07:27,759.47090267 --> 00:07:41,439.47090267 Um, and the interesting thing about the underlying fear in this is that you actually have this fear of vulnerability and feeling powerless again. 60 00:07:41,974.18796518 --> 00:07:46,444.18796518 So it may be hard for you to ask for help because you don't want to seem like you don't have it all together. 61 00:07:46,914.18796518 --> 00:07:48,214.18796518 Like, you're vulnerable. 62 00:07:48,659.60216791 --> 00:07:51,939.60216791 and you don't want to move into feeling powerless. 63 00:07:51,959.60216791 --> 00:08:03,369.60216791 Like, you've adopted this, like, I can do it, like, I don't need anybody else type of energy because of the narcissistic parent that you had and living in a chaotic environment. 64 00:08:04,5.53506952 --> 00:08:09,35.53606952 The second toxic trait is the need to be right and or perfectionism. 65 00:08:10,885.53606952 --> 00:08:23,447.21035179 The root cause of this is if you have a narcissistic parent, they often will equate mistakes with failure and then with unworthiness. 66 00:08:24,122.57374584 --> 00:08:27,822.57374584 Like I kind of said before, when I would get punished, it would be linked. 67 00:08:27,852.57374584 --> 00:08:30,292.57374584 The words would be linked to my identity. 68 00:08:30,892.57374584 --> 00:08:40,82.57274584 And so you have now learned to avoid mistakes and to gain approval or avoid criticism. 69 00:08:40,82.57274584 --> 00:08:42,772.57374584 Like this becomes your motivator, this internal drive. 70 00:08:42,772.57374584 --> 00:08:44,382.57374584 This is something that you've picked up. 71 00:08:44,382.57374584 --> 00:08:46,792.57374584 You feel like this is something that is part of you. 72 00:08:46,802.57374584 --> 00:08:48,672.57374584 Like you have to be perfect. 73 00:08:48,982.57374584 --> 00:08:52,22.57374584 And if you're right, I mean, and if you're not right. 74 00:08:52,342.57374584 --> 00:08:53,182.57374584 You're a failure. 75 00:08:53,780.06134692 --> 00:09:13,605.06234692 and how, how you know if you're being affected by this is if you have this overachieving or obsession with over perfection in tasks and maybe it actually keeps you from moving forward and starting things because you have this fear of, of, um, not being perfect when you start. 76 00:09:13,895.06234692 --> 00:09:15,585.06134692 also, This is a huge one. 77 00:09:15,815.06234692 --> 00:09:28,345.06234692 If you become defensive when you are criticized and if you read Proverbs, Proverbs tells us that the wise man is going to love critique and the fool hates critique. 78 00:09:29,230.06234692 --> 00:09:37,279.07115806 And so, if you find yourself being defensive when you're criticized, this is linked to the effects that that narcissistic parent had on you. 79 00:09:37,684.24032128 --> 00:09:42,734.24032128 You have this deep fear of making the wrong decision and it's keeping you stagnant. 80 00:09:43,354.94903727 --> 00:09:49,374.94903727 So the underlying fear of all of this is a fear of rejection. 81 00:09:49,894.94903727 --> 00:09:55,387.58790988 So you probably have a rejection wound or an abandonment wound from a parent. 82 00:09:56,182.440644 --> 00:10:00,345.73018127 And you actually have this deep belief that you're unworthy. 83 00:10:00,755.73018127 --> 00:10:01,775.73018127 You're not enough. 84 00:10:02,115.73018127 --> 00:10:04,345.73018127 And to be enough, you have to be perfect. 85 00:10:04,855.21986805 --> 00:10:07,165.21986805 I know, I already know that's a big one for a lot of you women. 86 00:10:08,355.21986805 --> 00:10:13,345.21986805 Now the third toxic trait is this toxic independence. 87 00:10:14,85.21986805 --> 00:10:16,429.73666943 Misindependent! That was me. 88 00:10:16,719.73666943 --> 00:10:18,59.73566943 I needed to be independent. 89 00:10:18,529.73566943 --> 00:10:31,189.73666943 And the root cause of this is when your emotional needs are unmet in childhood, you learn that relying on others led to disappointment or rejection. 90 00:10:31,717.30691963 --> 00:10:32,767.30691963 That's a possibility. 91 00:10:33,148.63131806 --> 00:10:38,347.87780618 it could also be just the way that your parent taught you, like, raised you. 92 00:10:38,417.87880618 --> 00:10:41,347.87880618 This comes a lot of times from single moms. 93 00:10:41,607.87880618 --> 00:10:52,442.87880618 Like, if they've been hurt by, you know, a man, they can really instill this belief, like, you have to be independent, don't rely on a man, which I'm not saying, like, You know, don't a hundred percent rely on a man. 94 00:10:52,452.87880618 --> 00:11:02,972.87780618 Like there's an interdependence that I have with my husband, but it was hard for us to get there because I had this toxic independent mentality where I wouldn't let him in all the way. 95 00:11:03,375.55904575 --> 00:11:08,295.55904575 So this independence has actually become your armor against vulnerability. 96 00:11:08,295.55904575 --> 00:11:09,785.46004575 So it, it actually, okay. 97 00:11:10,65.56004575 --> 00:11:21,629.18425094 Keeps you, um, from opening up, from letting down your guard, to receive love and help the way that a man, the right man, wants to give you. 98 00:11:22,739.18425094 --> 00:11:37,784.18525094 And how you know that you're living in this, right, how it manifests, is if you refuse help, even when it's necessary, If you feel overly burdened because you can't rely on anyone else, like you like feel like it has to be me. 99 00:11:37,834.18525094 --> 00:11:38,904.18525094 I have to get it done. 100 00:11:39,184.18525094 --> 00:11:40,894.18525094 No, I don't want anyone else's help. 101 00:11:41,363.07083231 --> 00:12:01,130.72155585 And also if you find yourself avoiding close relationships out of this fear of dependency or letting them in right to see the real you and underlying fear under this, is actually the fear of vulnerability, of being let down. 102 00:12:01,320.72155585 --> 00:12:03,0.72155585 You're afraid of getting hurt again. 103 00:12:03,0.72155585 --> 00:12:10,380.72155585 You're afraid of letting someone in and then taking everything from you, taking time from you, taking your energy, um, your love. 104 00:12:10,926.34125408 --> 00:12:20,335.98887795 and so you're masking that with this hyper independence because you're, you have a fear of being let down And rejected or abandoned, ultimately. 105 00:12:21,160.34630289 --> 00:12:26,250.34630289 Now, the fourth fear is a fear of conflict or rejection. 106 00:12:26,677.52054564 --> 00:12:28,307.52054564 so we've talked about rejection a lot. 107 00:12:28,307.52054564 --> 00:12:38,317.52154564 Rejection is a huge wound that causes a lot of after, um, aftermath and, um, like trauma responses. 108 00:12:38,812.52154564 --> 00:12:51,79.55388935 So the root cause of having this sort of conflict or rejection is a narcissistic parent or parents that you had, they often punished you, when you disagreed with them. 109 00:12:51,219.55388935 --> 00:12:57,389.55388935 Like you couldn't have an opinion, and so anytime you would express that, you would get punished for it. 110 00:12:58,39.55388935 --> 00:13:02,649.55388935 Um, or they withdrew love from you during conflict. 111 00:13:02,679.55388935 --> 00:13:04,569.55388935 They didn't, you know, address. 112 00:13:05,59.55388935 --> 00:13:12,122.20845733 It would give you consequences out of love, but it was out of anger, um, or hate, and you could feel that energy. 113 00:13:12,618.97922332 --> 00:13:19,348.97922332 And so you learn subconsciously that avoiding confrontation was safer than asserting your needs. 114 00:13:19,388.97922332 --> 00:13:22,818.97922332 So this leads you into like the people pleasing category as well. 115 00:13:23,158.97922332 --> 00:13:28,778.97922332 And also either escaping conflict, fleeing from it, not wanting to face it. 116 00:13:29,118.97822332 --> 00:13:32,8.97922332 Um, these are my fall off the face of the earth people. 117 00:13:32,8.97922332 --> 00:13:42,601.21054439 If there's any sign of conflict, um, other ways that you can know that you're being affected by this is if you avoid difficult conversations or disagreements. 118 00:13:42,601.21054439 --> 00:13:46,521.21104439 Like, again, Bye bye, you're, you're not there to face it. 119 00:13:47,191.21104439 --> 00:14:07,271.21104439 Um, also if you overanalyze interactions for signs of disapproval, like you get into your overthinking head, man, like you overanalyze every word you said, interaction, do they like me? Do they not? Was it, was it something that I said weird? Of course, you know, this is the enemy playing into this rejection wound. 120 00:14:07,641.21104439 --> 00:14:11,201.21104439 Um, but this is a sign that you actually have that rejection wound. 121 00:14:11,886.33339936 --> 00:14:28,226.33239936 Also, if you have a habit of bottling up resentment due to these unexpressed feelings, because again, you don't want conflict, you don't want to anger somebody, you want to avoid it at all costs, because this has become your safety mechanism. 122 00:14:28,556.33339936 --> 00:14:30,766.33239936 It's how you've protected yourself for so long. 123 00:14:31,716.33239936 --> 00:14:41,721.33339936 And so this underlying fear, Because of this, where this fear of conflict or injection comes from, is that you just have that abandonment wound. 124 00:14:41,961.33339936 --> 00:14:46,621.33339936 You have a fear of being abandoned again, or losing connection to someone. 125 00:14:47,37.78272562 --> 00:14:49,887.78372562 Like, that is that ultimate fear for you. 126 00:14:50,446.58208742 --> 00:14:52,731.50591542 Now, toxic trait number five. 127 00:14:53,143.30124673 --> 00:14:57,353.30224673 We've talked about this one a little bit, but it deserves its own, because it's so huge. 128 00:14:57,938.30224673 --> 00:15:01,548.30224673 You have these people pleasing tendencies. 129 00:15:01,668.30224673 --> 00:15:07,438.30124673 This is a total toxic trait, right? And a lot of times it takes years for people to break out of. 130 00:15:07,468.30224673 --> 00:15:09,588.30224673 I'm still working through this. 131 00:15:09,668.30224673 --> 00:15:09,918.30224673 Okay. 132 00:15:09,918.30224673 --> 00:15:10,968.30124673 This one is a hard one. 133 00:15:11,598.30224673 --> 00:15:23,438.30224673 The root cause of this is when you have narcissistic parents that has conditioned you to seek approval to gain affection or to avoid punishment. 134 00:15:23,923.30224673 --> 00:15:35,483.30124673 So, you have to be approved to then be loved, or you have to, you will, you will have approval if you don't get punished. 135 00:15:36,423.30224673 --> 00:15:41,923.30224673 And so, pleasing your parent, because that's what you want to do when you're a child. 136 00:15:41,923.30224673 --> 00:15:45,93.30224673 You want your, your parent to be proud of you, to be happy. 137 00:15:45,183.30224673 --> 00:15:47,243.30224673 They're your safe space, they're your person. 138 00:15:47,728.30224673 --> 00:15:50,338.30224673 They're your source of truth when you're a child. 139 00:15:50,858.30224673 --> 00:15:57,948.30224673 And so these pleasing others now, it's, it's come into all areas of your life and has become a part of your identity now. 140 00:15:58,748.30224673 --> 00:16:02,338.30124673 It has become a survival mechanism for you to feel valued. 141 00:16:02,678.30224673 --> 00:16:06,378.30224673 Oh, I will be valued as long as this person likes me. 142 00:16:06,478.30224673 --> 00:16:22,799.16168008 So you get your value and your worth based off of The level that you're liked by other people, how many people like you, how many people, uh, how many enemies do you have? If you have no enemies, you feel like you are, you are a value and you have worth. 143 00:16:23,150.62704426 --> 00:16:24,868.08563495 other ways that you know, you're a people pleaser. 144 00:16:24,868.08563495 --> 00:16:31,388.08563495 And I feel like I don't have to list these because you probably already know, but you're constantly prioritizing other people's needs over your own. 145 00:16:31,748.08563495 --> 00:16:36,248.08563495 Now I'm not saying because the Bible tells us, uh, we must love others. 146 00:16:36,438.98561148 --> 00:16:37,948.98561148 As much as ourselves. 147 00:16:38,228.98561148 --> 00:16:46,438.9856115 So loving others and caring for their needs is, above our own, is not a bad, um, way to live. 148 00:16:46,748.9846115 --> 00:16:49,418.9856115 As long as it doesn't get to a toxic place. 149 00:16:49,796.7819678 --> 00:17:02,526.7819678 For example, if like, you have people walking all over your boundaries and you're not able to take care of yourself, you're not operating at the level that, um, a health, like the healthy you would, then it's time for you to start saying no. 150 00:17:02,766.7809678 --> 00:17:14,856.7819678 So that's also a sign if you struggle with setting boundaries, you struggle with saying no, because you don't want this person to get angry or to not like you, this is a sign you're a bit of a people pleaser. 151 00:17:15,394.2936618 --> 00:17:30,177.3575103 Also, find yourself burning out from overextending yourself, from saying yes all the time to everyone, to everything, this is a total sign, sis, that you are living as a people pleaser and we gotta work through it. 152 00:17:31,17.3575103 --> 00:17:38,507.3575103 The underlying fear here, which, it's not a surprise, you have this fear of rejection. 153 00:17:39,117.3575103 --> 00:17:43,677.3575103 You don't want to be rejected and you don't want to be seen as unworthy. 154 00:17:43,677.3575103 --> 00:17:50,169.9224696 You have a fear of loss, Now, the sixth toxic trait is is codependency. 155 00:17:50,389.9224696 --> 00:17:54,439.9224696 This is such a big one for so many of you that I already know. 156 00:17:54,729.9224696 --> 00:18:02,349.9224696 And the root cause of this is if your narcissistic parent ever made you feel responsible for their emotions and their well being. 157 00:18:02,659.9224696 --> 00:18:05,709.9214696 This looks like, I can't believe you did this to me. 158 00:18:06,90.3493041 --> 00:18:28,161.8495131 I can't believe you acted this way, you made me look like a fool, you made me look like XYZ, if you do this it'll make me really happy, all these words, and there's so many other examples, but all those makes you feel like you're responsible for your parents emotions and their happiness and if they are doing well in life. 159 00:18:28,751.5141495 --> 00:19:01,163.9074058 This is such a deep wound and a toxic thing to be affected by and so if you've gone through that and any of these like i'm truly I want to work with you I want us to to really heal from this because you can be set free from these things And I know it's affecting all areas of your life So because of this, because you felt like you were that emotional support system for your parent and it was all on you, you have internalized this belief that your value actually comes from taking care of other people. 160 00:19:01,443.9084058 --> 00:19:08,663.9084058 I was actually talking to a girl, it was part of a therapy session and she said that she took care of her mom's for so long. 161 00:19:08,663.9084058 --> 00:19:10,803.9084058 She's 60 years old. 162 00:19:11,548.9084058 --> 00:19:12,428.9084058 Six years old. 163 00:19:12,918.9084058 --> 00:19:19,888.9074058 She just started therapy because her mom passed, and once her mom passed, she felt like she was worthless. 164 00:19:20,368.9084058 --> 00:19:21,748.9084058 That she had no value. 165 00:19:21,938.9084058 --> 00:19:23,248.9079058 She didn't know what to do with her life. 166 00:19:23,248.9079058 --> 00:19:24,528.9084058 She had no purpose. 167 00:19:24,748.9074058 --> 00:19:32,958.9084058 And that, my friends, is an example of a grown woman feeling like her purpose was in her mother. 168 00:19:33,908.9084058 --> 00:19:35,458.9084058 Co dependency. 169 00:19:35,968.8031161 --> 00:19:44,802.3931829 how this shows up in your life, how you know, like, Daniel, how do I know if I'm codependent? If you struggle to make decisions without other people's input. 170 00:19:45,570.1382657 --> 00:19:50,30.1382657 I struggle with that for so long, and you have to actually practice making decisions on your own. 171 00:19:50,630.1382657 --> 00:19:58,560.1392657 Um, also, if you over identify with other people's emotions, and you feel responsible for fixing them. 172 00:19:59,910.1392657 --> 00:20:09,570.1392657 Talking to me! Also, if you lose your sense of self in relationships, these are all signs of codependency. 173 00:20:10,70.1392657 --> 00:20:21,800.1392657 Okay? If you're like saying yes to everything that your partner wants and it's denying your needs, you're suppressing your own needs because you feel like, okay, this is the only way they'll be happy. 174 00:20:21,800.1392657 --> 00:20:23,180.1392657 And if they're happy, then I'm happy. 175 00:20:23,595.1392657 --> 00:20:25,75.1392657 Sister, codependency. 176 00:20:25,75.2392657 --> 00:20:25,545.1392657 Uh uh. 177 00:20:25,555.1392657 --> 00:20:29,455.1392657 We've got to fix that before you move into another relationship, like period, point blank. 178 00:20:29,655.1392657 --> 00:20:33,845.1382657 If you're in a relationship and you notice yourself being codependent, we got to fix that ASAP. 179 00:20:34,215.1392657 --> 00:20:34,565.1392657 All right. 180 00:20:34,565.1392657 --> 00:20:39,405.1382657 It's only going to send you down to a, a, a, a bad downward spiral and it's not going to end well. 181 00:20:40,210.8442804 --> 00:20:47,90.8442804 The underlying fear here is again, this fear of being abandoned or not being needed. 182 00:20:48,10.8442804 --> 00:20:50,820.8442804 And when you feel like you're not needed, you lose all value. 183 00:20:51,277.6504132 --> 00:20:59,327.6504132 Right? So your sense of self, like the confidence in you, the purpose that you seek between you and God, is very low. 184 00:21:00,77.6504132 --> 00:21:03,917.6504132 Your identity is, is, is, is rooted in the wrong thing. 185 00:21:04,883.0574212 --> 00:21:11,593.0584212 And then, finally, the seventh toxic trait is if you have difficulty setting boundaries. 186 00:21:12,83.0584212 --> 00:21:17,93.0584212 And the root cause of this is because your boundaries weren't respected in your childhood. 187 00:21:17,593.0584212 --> 00:21:24,178.0584212 And asserting them Led to punishment or manipulation, making you feel bad. 188 00:21:24,638.0584212 --> 00:21:24,978.0584212 Okay. 189 00:21:24,978.0584212 --> 00:21:29,625.9928443 Making you feel like you are, less than or that you didn't care about them. 190 00:21:29,936.7587185 --> 00:21:39,816.6678094 List goes on and on and so because of that, you have learned, it's a belief in you that setting boundaries jeopardize your relationships or your safety. 191 00:21:40,396.6678094 --> 00:21:42,281.2128062 So now, you're afraid. 192 00:21:42,311.2128062 --> 00:21:43,671.2128062 You're afraid to set a boundary. 193 00:21:43,681.2128062 --> 00:21:47,191.2128062 You're afraid and you struggle with saying no, even when it's necessary. 194 00:21:47,211.2128062 --> 00:21:48,831.2128062 So you just say yes. 195 00:21:49,301.2118062 --> 00:21:53,911.2118062 This leads you to feeling drained or resentful and you're unsure how to stop it. 196 00:21:54,338.4318512 --> 00:22:00,338.4308512 And you constantly allow other people to overstep your limits without consequences. 197 00:22:00,858.4308512 --> 00:22:04,508.4308512 Guys, God gives us consequences for our actions. 198 00:22:04,888.4318512 --> 00:22:12,708.4318512 We can't be everyone's hero and it's not up to us to kid when you cancel people's consequences It actually does them more harm. 199 00:22:12,978.4318512 --> 00:22:38,223.5505641 What if god canceled our consequences? For our sins and our bad decisions We wouldn't learn right He disciplines us and call it discipline or he encourages parents to discipline their children because that's how you build character That's how you teach God always does it in truth and in love But you're stripping this other person from the natural consequence that happens when they overstep a boundary. 200 00:22:38,476.6091548 --> 00:22:41,528.5870723 you're not ever going to build a boundary with that person if you continue to do that. 201 00:22:41,841.0111054 --> 00:22:48,87.3278271 and the underlying fear of this is you just have this fear of conflict or losing love. 202 00:22:48,366.398501 --> 00:22:52,496.398501 Which we talked about earlier, it goes deeper to this fear of abandonment. 203 00:22:53,176.398501 --> 00:22:57,586.398501 So many of these either end in like a fear of abandonment or a fear of rejection. 204 00:22:57,766.397501 --> 00:23:07,66.398501 Which are both wounds, abandonment is a wound of abuse, like you've been abandoned, it's a form of abuse. 205 00:23:07,486.398501 --> 00:23:15,96.398501 And then rejection is its own thing, like rejection wound is so huge and the enemy uses that, like, he goes ham. 206 00:23:15,96.398501 --> 00:23:17,551.398501 It's when you have this rejection wound. 207 00:23:17,937.6506029 --> 00:23:22,86.6645944 So I want to give you like a way out, right? I want to set you free from this. 208 00:23:22,285.4827762 --> 00:23:26,485.4827762 So first I want you to know that these behaviors do not define your identity. 209 00:23:26,805.4827762 --> 00:23:37,535.4817762 If you are struggling with one of these, you recognize, man, I'm 7 out of 7, okay, like I was, then I don't want you to get down on yourself, it's just an awareness, this is an awareness episode. 210 00:23:38,5.4817762 --> 00:23:41,385.4827762 This is for you, the first starting point to setting you free. 211 00:23:41,655.4827762 --> 00:23:43,975.4827762 These things are not who you are. 212 00:23:44,345.4827762 --> 00:23:48,915.4827762 They're just conditioned responses that can be unlearned. 213 00:23:49,93.2996974 --> 00:23:49,433.2996974 Okay. 214 00:23:49,706.1680745 --> 00:24:06,325.0438735 So the one solution for all of these, right, we could do, I could go into every single one, but we don't have time on this, but this one solution that will really help you no matter which one you struggle with as you want to practice self awareness and reparenting yourself. 215 00:24:06,801.7194417 --> 00:24:40,637.0203593 So what self awareness is, and how you cultivate this, is you just begin noticing when these traits show up in your behavior, and you want to journal and reflect on what sparked that, how did it make you feel, what did you do in response to that feeling, and And what do you want to do differently? Where does that come from? What can I, can I draw that back to, and then what do I want to do differently? This can help you identify patterns and then give you a way and plan forward. 216 00:24:40,839.2759047 --> 00:24:45,369.2759047 And then you want to link that with reparenting yourself. 217 00:24:45,514.9207911 --> 00:24:56,705.6871598 So instead of just relying on, like, surviving these things, you want to give yourself what your parent couldn't give you at that time. 218 00:24:57,192.0282623 --> 00:25:00,212.0292623 So, number one, we have the Lord. 219 00:25:00,312.0292623 --> 00:25:03,372.0292623 We're allowing God to reparent us. 220 00:25:03,912.0292623 --> 00:25:08,892.0292623 We're allowing God to sit at that role of good, good father. 221 00:25:09,189.011883 --> 00:25:21,479.011883 And he's our source of unconditional love, of patience, and acceptance, and you just need to come into a relationship with him to receive that, and then also give that to yourself. 222 00:25:21,668.7225108 --> 00:25:29,148.7225108 And this just looks like, you know, when you feel the need to control, remind yourself that you are in God's right hand. 223 00:25:29,658.7225108 --> 00:25:38,358.7235108 That you are, that he is your safety net and that you are safe even when you're not in control because the God of the universe is in control. 224 00:25:38,610.4162192 --> 00:25:48,542.9054488 When perfectionism arises, you want to affirm yourself that your worth isn't tied to your achievements, but it's already defined by the living God. 225 00:25:48,872.1476529 --> 00:25:49,652.1476529 And he's got you. 226 00:25:49,652.1476529 --> 00:25:51,132.1476529 He's going to pick you up when you fall. 227 00:25:51,372.1476529 --> 00:25:56,542.1476529 And he wants you to move forward and not get stuck in perfectionism. 228 00:25:56,805.1777959 --> 00:26:14,804.091469 and a really cool exercise that I did before is, like if you want to isolate any of these, you can choose one, whichever one stands out to you the most, and you can ask yourself, okay, when did I first feel abandoned or rejected? Right? Whatever the underlying fear is. 229 00:26:15,104.091469 --> 00:26:20,284.2072938 When did I first have a fear of conflict? Route that back to the first time you felt that way. 230 00:26:20,543.9290322 --> 00:26:25,185.7957237 And then write yourself a letter to that version of you. 231 00:26:25,185.7957237 --> 00:26:29,22.6284327 Whether you were 6 years old, 12, 15. 232 00:26:29,411.5955649 --> 00:26:34,66.6095185 Write yourself a letter and tell yourself exactly what you needed to hear at that point. 233 00:26:34,430.8590483 --> 00:26:36,770.8590483 And then I want you to read it out loud to yourself. 234 00:26:37,9.6130758 --> 00:26:38,439.6120758 And give yourself that love. 235 00:26:38,893.5101629 --> 00:26:47,977.9977778 Now again, if you want some support in this, Go ahead, book that freakin 47 Unstuck Relationship Coaching Session. 236 00:26:48,17.9977778 --> 00:26:57,307.9977778 I would be so honored and overjoyed to help you through this or something else in terms of your relationship with yourself, within your relationship, or even your relationship with God. 237 00:26:57,737.9977778 --> 00:27:00,427.9967778 Like, I would love to walk through this with you. 238 00:27:00,517.9977778 --> 00:27:03,287.9987778 You can book that at lovedanny. 239 00:27:03,327.9977778 --> 00:27:06,67.9977778 org forward slash unstuck session. 240 00:27:06,216.0159596 --> 00:27:10,911.0337863 And of course, if you want to hang out with me in between episodes, come on over to our free community. 241 00:27:10,947.2188716 --> 00:27:13,387.2188716 You can find that at the link in the show notes below. 242 00:27:13,501.1166834 --> 00:27:16,291.1166834 I would love for you to share your takeaways from this episode. 243 00:27:16,341.1166834 --> 00:27:18,811.1166834 Which one that you resonated with the most. 244 00:27:19,101.1166834 --> 00:27:26,620.4296397 And of course I can offer you some support and reflection questions that are specific to the thing that you're, that's kind of coming up for you over in that community. 245 00:27:26,866.8801788 --> 00:27:36,88.0664521 I love you so much and God loves you even more And I can't wait to see you back here again Same time same place next week Big hugs. 246 00:27:36,268.0674521 --> 00:27:37,767.4276035 Bye Hey, beautiful. 247 00:27:37,807.4276035 --> 00:27:41,377.4276035 I hope you loved hanging with me today and enjoyed the episode. 248 00:27:41,677.4276035 --> 00:27:55,807.4276035 If so, would you take just 30 seconds and share it with someone you love who may also want to heal from past relationships and love themselves again? Also, please scroll down and leave a quick written review for the show on Apple podcasts. 249 00:27:55,807.4276035 --> 00:28:01,207.4276035 This is the main way we can get this message out to our girlfriends all around the world. 250 00:28:01,482.4276035 --> 00:28:06,862.4276035 And it also just really blesses me to know and hear how this podcast is helping you. 251 00:28:06,932.4276035 --> 00:28:07,352.4276035 Okay. 252 00:28:07,452.4276035 --> 00:28:10,22.4276035 I need to get out of my sleds and get ready for date night. 253 00:28:10,182.4276035 --> 00:28:16,152.4276035 I'll meet you back here on Monday for another episode, sending you all the love until next time.
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