February 27, 2023 • 33 mins
How do you learn to love who you were and are becoming at the same time? 🖤
If you’ve ever experienced a large gap in ‘who you are’ and ‘who you want to be’ - this episode is for you. We’re getting existential and meta around identity deaths, grieving, and making space for all we are supposed to be!
In episode 04 of I’m lost, so what? Cassandra shares her personal experience around ‘identity’ and realizing that who she was was no longer serving her.
DISCLAIMER: you may hear sniffles throughout the episode cause we’re getting emotional!
During this episode, you’ll hear about:
- What is an identity death?
- What happens when you need to move on from who you ‘were’ and learned to love?
- How do you welcome this next iteration of yourself?
- And the twilight zone where the magic happens
Connect with Cassandra elsewhere:
- Cassandra’s Personal Instagram - https://www.instagram.com/cassandratle/
- The Quirky Pineapple Studio Instagram - https://www.instagram.com/thequirkypineapplestudio/
Additional resources mentioned in the episode:
- Cassandra’s IG post on ‘identity death’: https://www.instagram.com/p/Cj9iRqljiMN/
- BetterHelp Link (get 1 week for free!): https://www.betterhelp.com/rpc/c097ae8efcccf713-1-01?utm_term=ref_v1_dd
- Jolinda Johnson: https://www.instagram.com/coachjolinda/
- Gieselle Allen Coaching: https://gieselleallen.com/
- Episode 3 “You’re the brand/niche” is toxic AF: https://imlostsowhat.podbean.com/e/you-re-the-brandniche-is-toxic-af/
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
In this podcast episode, I refer toBetter Help an online therapy platform.
I do realize that Better Help has hadand received a lot of mixed reviews, not
just for the platform itself, but forthe therapists that are on that platform.
I do want to share that my experiencewith Better Help has been really great,
and the therapists that I've beenworking with, I found them on Better
(00:21):
Help and have been with them for overa year before going on to Better Help.
Please do your due diligence.
I have referenced a referral link below,but of course, do what works best for you.
Because of my identities and experie.
Being in between.
I'm basically living in the TwilightZone of playing creativity and magic.
(00:48):
That is fucking cool.
Hello hello everyone.
I'm Cassandra Le and you'relistening to I'm Lost, so what?
The podcast exploring betweenbelonging and carving your own path
for all the peeps out there who kindof know what you're doing, but still
question what the fuck is going on?
Yeah, I'm with ya.
(01:11):
Hello, hello and welcome back to I'm Lost.
So what, so in today's episode, weare getting existential again and
honestly, a little bit of a disclaimerbecause this subject is a little a
little squishy for me and somethingthat I think may cause me to cry.
(01:34):
So if you hear a little sniffle snifflehere and there throughout the episode,
just pull out out a tissue for me.
Will you?
And if you are one of those people whocries, when other people cries, my bad.
Sorry about that.
I don't know whether you arelistening to this episode.
If it's in your car, if you're onthe metro and you're crying in.
My bad, y'all.
My bad.
So in today we're getting existentialbecause I want to talk about
(01:59):
identity, death and grieving.
So this episode is titled Rest inPeace to the Me I Learned To Love, and
that is already giving me goosebumpsand giving me a little teary eyed.
But let's, let's dive into this becausethis has been sitting on my heart for
a really long time and I feel like Ihaven't really been able to talk about it.
(02:23):
I've written a lot about it in my journalor, uh, to a previous newsletter I used
to have, and I've talked about it withlike, you know, my partner, but I've
never actually really shared about it.
And if you scrolled through my Instagram.
I've also shared bits and pieces ofit there, but not, not like this.
(02:44):
And today I really wanna diveinto grieving identity deaths.
And before we go into, you know, thiswhole grieving process and all of that, I
wanna dive into what is an identity death.
Uh, I've linked in these show notesa, an Instagram post that I shared
(03:05):
a while back that kind of exploredthis idea, and then one of my other
friends messaged me and they actuallyasked me, Hey, you know what?
I think in start, instead of, youknow, first defining identity, I think
you need to define what death is.
And that's what we'reabout to do right now.
Cause I've been thinking about itand I'm gonna answer two questions
(03:28):
next, which is, what is death?
And what is identity?
So to me, death is really scary totalk about because I don't think I've
actually ever talked about it openly.
I feel like this is atopic that is very taboo.
And for me, death is when, ofcourse you, you leave this planet.
(03:51):
Uh, but death can also bewhen something ends, right?
Like when a relationship ends.
When I don't know, a career ends.
Um, when a plant dies.
That's actually very sad.
Uh, and what happens after deathis we usually mourn and grieve
(04:12):
because it's kind of a large changeto something that we were used to.
And how I interpret death is that,you know, it doesn't necessarily,
like, I'm not talking about likewhen a person leaves us or you know,
when a person leaves the planet.
I'm talking more about like, changeand transition happens when, how I
(04:34):
interpret death is that, yes, it ends,but the moment or the experience stays
with you, so you kind of carry thatfor the rest of your life really, and
, you could call that experience now.
And you know, now you have experienceto live off of and you have lessons
(05:00):
and concepts that you've learnedbecause of this transition and change.
So that's how I interpret death,that we always kind of carry this
with us because we're still hereand these changes and transitions
basically shape how we do things.
(05:21):
Because that's what we experienced.
Now, what is identity andhow do I understand identity?
So I understand identityas a very fluid thing.
We can change identities, we can pickup identities, we can drop identities.
And our identities are made up ofour personal stories, our beliefs,
(05:43):
our actions, our experiences.
It could be based off of,you know, our cultures.
It could be based off of howwe, what we like, what we don't
like, and all of that is fluid.
Because as we grow and change andexperience different things in life,
(06:04):
it influences our identity becausewe can say, oh yeah, I hate pickles.
And then three months later you'llbe like, I fucking love pickles.
I actually love pickles.
Um, that could be part of your identity.
So that is first, what is it,what I believe to be a death and
what I believe to be identity.
(06:24):
Now, what is an identity death?
And I think an identity death is,this is from my Instagram post,
I'm just gonna read it to you.
That identity death is, are wereinventing ourselves or are we, she.
cultural or social programmingof what we thought we were.
(06:48):
And the question I pose is, arewe, were we always this person
or are we becoming this person?
And my definition of an identity death,this is for my Instagram post that I
shared, uh, back in October of 2022, isthat when you realize that in an identity
that you once used, Or identified with,doesn't fit or align with your current
(07:11):
beliefs, situation, stories, or values.
Identity deaths can happen when you moveinto a different season of your life.
You had a major milestone, you had amindset shift or something happened
that makes you question an identity thatyou had and , we can get more into this
because this Instagram post talks aboutlike reinvention versus shedding, being
(07:36):
and becoming, and you know, deconstructingtime, context, culture, and society.
that I think will have to be a wholeseparate episode, but that is what
I believe is an identity death.
That's how I define it.
Let me just share that one more time.
Um, it is when you realize that in anidentity that you once use doesn't fit
(07:56):
or align with your current beliefs,situations, stories for values, identity
deaths can happen when you move intoa different season of your life, you
had a major milestone mindset shiftor something happened that makes
you question an identity that you.
So in 2022 last year, uh, 2022, Ibasically spent the entire year grieving.
(08:22):
And let me just take a breath there.
That sounds really a tense.
I spent the entire year grieving myself.
Ooh, the tears are already coming, y'all. So I spent an entire year grieving.
Mainly because of this identityI had and this idea I had of this
(08:46):
person and this person was me.
Like the identity that I had and whoI believed I was, and it wasn't just
who I believed I was, it was all ofthe vision, like the vision and the,
all of the goals I had as this person,this person that I was grieving.
(09:07):
And what I realized was that who I was,how I was, my stories, my beliefs, my
actions, um, they were hurting me and Ididn't want to be that person anymore.
(09:28):
And that was so sad because like Isaid in the beginning of this episode,
this, this episode is called Rest inPeace To The Me I Learned to Love.
And when I realized that I wasn't thisperson anymore, this idea, all the goals
(09:52):
I had, the vision I had of attached tothis person I realized was hurting me.
As in me, myself, hurting myself.
I'm telling y'all like this isexistential meta, all of this stuff.
I felt immense love and attachmentto this person because I've been
working on this person for 10 years.
(10:15):
Ooh, tears.
This person, me, me, me 10 yearsago I've been working on myself.
Or working on like certain thingspersonally through life coaching,
through therapy, through justjournaling and like understanding
myself more, uh, from my junior yearof college when I was about 20, 21
(10:38):
up until last year when I turned 30.
And this person, with all of thethings that I was going through, I,
I learned, I really learned to love.
This person myself, I really learnedto love that version of myself.
I learned to love who I was.
I learned to, you know, lovemy ideas and really understand
(11:04):
what my beliefs and values were.
I learned I was worthy oflove and choosing myself,
uh, in those past 10 years.
And the biggest thing was who I was.
Or who I am really, because thisperson doesn't necessarily stop, right?
If we're going off of my definitionof death, like I carry this
(11:24):
person with me all the time.
Who I was, who I am, the pastthe me 10 years ago, or the me.
Within the age range of 20 to 30, um, thisperson got me to where I am today, where
I am today, which is sitting in my office.
It is currently 11:26 PM I am in Toledo,Spain, and I am by myself recording
(11:49):
in my office with like my watercolorpaintings, my 2023 vision board.
I've got my squish mellows and my oraclecards and all my fun funky colors and.
that me 10 years ago or the metimeframe, 10 years, uh, got me to here.
(12:14):
That person that I like, I had grit.
Not saying that I don't now, butlike this person, me, Cassandra
had grit, perseverance, resilience,patience, tenacity, strength, guts.
This person, me, worked so hardto get to where I am right now.
(12:41):
Like I loved this person.
I love this person.
I love that Cassandra cuzI am so proud of that.
Cassandra.
I am so proud of myself that Igot here, this was the dream.
This was my vision.
This was my goal for 10 years, thenfive years, and here I am sitting today
(13:06):
running the business that I wanted,having this fun, creative project,
living in a place that I really enjoy,having color and creative time, and.
I, I am really proud ofmyself and I am really like, I
(13:30):
really love this about myself.
And then I realized last year that.
That me was hurting me.
That this grit, perseverance, resilience,the tenacity, strength, guts and courage
I had, while all those things areamazing, they were hurting me and it
wasn't what I needed or wanted anymore,like I didn't like, in 2022, I realized
(13:57):
like the grit and perseverance andresilience that I relied on the strength
and guts and courage that brought to thetable these past five years, the past
10 years, showing up for myself likepushing, pushing, pushing, was hurting me.
And it, it wasn't what Iwanted or needed at the moment.
And I realized that I needed to let thatCassandra go, and that's when I realized
(14:22):
that I was having like an identity death.
And it, it was, and I mean, still goingthrough it, I believe, really painful.
Uh, I had a lot of fear.
Well, I'm talking about this likeit's past tense, like it happened.
Um, I would say it's still happening.
So still lots of fear and lots ofpain and worrying about if this
(14:47):
is right, is this what I want?
Uh, I feel like really sad and guiltyto let this version of myself go, this
pers- like this version of Cassandra thatbrought so much grit and perseverance.
So much resilience, so much courage,so much strength to the to the
table for something different.
(15:10):
Like I'm letting this person go, likethis person, me, the me I am/was -see
how this is kind of hard and existential.
I'm like, I'm choosing to let this persongo, this person that got me here, and
I feel guilty because it's like, dude,this person, this person's awesome.
(15:34):
This fucking person is fucking great.
This person like got usto where we are today.
How can you let this person go?
And I was not sure how fully honormy, like, fully honor that version
of myself and then welcome in a, anew identity, a different identity.
(15:55):
And I think what has happened around theend of last year and moving into this
year, so like still happening right now asI'm recording this, I, I'm realizing what
this new version of Cassandra is and whoI represent, what I want now, what I am,
(16:17):
where am I in my journey, and the visionand goals that this new version of me has.
And I don't know if it's necessarilya new version of me or if this
person has always been there.
I just needed to go through like differentstages of who I am and that's kind of
(16:37):
difficult because it's like, oh, I haveto let go of this Cassandra that like
brought so much to the table and now I'mmoving into, okay, well this Cassandra
doesn't really know what she wants.
Uh, this Cassandra's a little lost.
So what?
See what I did there?
Um, this Cassandra is kind of like,Hmm, can I be a different way?
(17:01):
Was I always this way?
Is this who I really am?
And now I'm going into likethis whole accepting period
of accepting this I this new.
I always say new and maybe new is notlike the the best word, but I don't
know what other word to use maybe.
Um, the Cassandra has always been there.
(17:23):
I guess my higher self, if you're intolike spirituality, maybe that's it?
Higher self, Cassandra?
Is that it?
I don't know.
New Cassandra?
This version of Cassandra today.
Cassandra, who knows?
But I'm, I'm relearning, I'm learningto ReLove myself in this process
(17:44):
because, you know, like I said before,10 years ago, within the past 10
years, I have learned to love myself.
I learned to love, you know, who?
Of course, it's always a work in progress.
You know, there are days, but,um, I have learned to love myself.
I've learned to accept myself.
I've learned to speak up for myself.
I've learned to ask for what I want.
(18:06):
I learned to understandwhat my beliefs were.
I learned to understandwhat my values were.
I learned to stand up for myvalues, and now this next iteration
of who I am, I have to relearn.
Well, I have to learn how to ReLovemyself cuz I have new beliefs, new
(18:28):
values, new ideas, new ways of showingup, new ways of being that I don't know
yet, but I have to learn what they are.
And that has been awhole work in progress.
Um, it's been requiring a lotof self-compassion, a lot of
gentleness with myself and a lotof care, like a lot, a lot of care.
(18:52):
I, I think I've become a lot moreaware and intentional of certain
things that I do in my life.
Certain habits, certain I guess,behaviors, and it's actually caused me
to run into a lot of growing pains likeI feel like there's this huge gap right
(19:19):
now because I, I learned to love myselfover the past 10 years, and then all
of a sudden in 2022, I realized, Hmm,that's, that's not what I want anymore.
That's not what I need anymore.
And.
I was acting like, youknow, this is who I am.
(19:42):
I picked up habits and patterns andbehaviors and ways of thinking and
being over the past 10 years, andthen all of a sudden decided, well,
this is not what I want anymore.
This is not what I need.
Uh, I need something else, and nowI have to relearn and ReLove me
(20:06):
because I'm not only relearning whoI am and reloving myself, gosh, I'm
like teary . I have, I'm learning.
It's not just relearningmyself and reloving myself.
It is learning not to fall backinto this old me that was, you know,
(20:29):
causing me pain in certain ways.
It is you know, having compassion andself-compassion, gentleness and care,
because this person got me to where I am,and that version of myself is like fucking
awesome because that Cassandra was,you know, I'm showing up and not taking
your shit and just doing the damn thing.
(20:50):
And now this Cassandra is like,Hmm, I need more softness.
I need more gentleness.
I need more care.
I need more compassion.
I need more grace.
And that has got me running into lotsof things like fear, mindset, blocks,
guilt, shame, uh, repeating old cyclesand patterns because it's default and
(21:15):
easy and got me thinking that I amworried because I think I'm gonna mess it.
And I'm not totally surewhere we're going from here.
I feel like this is totallyan episode that could just be
played in my therapy session.
But it's interesting because lastyear I had this like huge shock
(21:38):
of, Ooh, I am grieving, but Idon't know what I'm grieving.
And it took me a while to figureout what is exactly it is that I am
grieving cuz I was like, Hmm, I feelsad and I don't know why I feel sad.
And I was like bringing the, thisconcept to my therapist and she
was like, what is, what's going on?
And I was like, journaling a lot.
And I remember on my 30th birthday Idid a, a tarrot spread and an oracle
(22:02):
spread and all of a sudden I felt likethis huge energy of just, like my, I
guess my ancestors, like my grandma,um, and my great grandmama and my
great-uncle and a few people in mylife, like friends from college and, uh,
(22:24):
family, friends who passed really young.
They all started like calling me.
And I remember in one of my lifecoaching sessions with, uh, who was
my life coach, she mentioned somethingthat I thought was really interesting.
She was saying, you know, if you'rerunning into certain things that
they, and they don't feel like yours.
(22:44):
It honestly could be the, the generationalstuff, like it could be from your
ancestors that, you know, they're,they're worried and they're not sure,
and they're a little scared too, andthey're kind of pushing it onto you.
And I think that's what it.
Uh, I felt a lot of like, not just myown fear and, you know, realizations
(23:06):
of, Hey, you know, the way I'm showingup is hurting me and the way I'm
showing up is not what I need anymore.
It was a lot of, okay.
I realized that and then spirituallyI had other people's stuff from
generations ago that were showing upthat was you know, scared, worried,
(23:29):
not sure, eh, what are you doing?
Like, you're doing so well.
Why change now?
You know, this is not,this is not gonna work.
Maybe like, maybe you can justhang on and like push through.
It's okay.
And I remember after a coaching session,I, I journaled a little bit more and
(23:49):
I realized these are not my fears.
These are not my, my things.
It doesn't feel like mine.
It doesn't sit in my body in the same waywhen I know it's mine and that's come up.
I mean, so many things have come upsince I feel like this whole grieving
(24:10):
the me I learned to love and nowlearning, relearning to love this me is.
As a whole sh- shebang.
I have no idea.
Uh, what is actually helpingwith this transition?
Therapy.
Shout out to my therapist, uh, Janelle,and to better help for being awesome
(24:33):
and for supporting me and having a spacewhere I can go and talk about this.
I mean, not this specifically, but justlike other things that are coming up,
you know that's been really amazing.
And if you want a free week tobetter help into therapy, then I
have put a code in the show notesif you wanna check out better help.
(24:55):
Uh, something else that's also beenhelping with this transition is I've
just started working with Gisele Allen,who is a life and leadership coach
for black indigenous women of color.
And that's been really helpful to talkto somebody because, it's not just
like how I'm showing up personally.
I've noticed that like, and I'vementioned this on Instagram, if you
(25:18):
follow me, I started noticing a reallybig gap in my leadership and how I
wanted to be, and you know, how I wantedto show up not just as like a business
owner, but as like a literal human andthat this coaching has helped a lot.
Uh, something else that's beenhelping me with this transition
of, you know, grieving.
my identity, death and learning to ReLovemyself in the process is leaning into
(25:43):
my creativity and joy outside of work.
Yay to removing, well, notfully removing, but you know,
working to remove internalizedcapitalism and white supremacy.
It's an ongoing process here.
And if you listen to episode three ofthe, I'm Lost, so what podcast I talk
about, you know, it is to have a separatepersonal brand and a business brand.
(26:07):
And I think having my personal brandand my own vision that is not related
to work all the time is so helpful.
Uh, I'm not so tied into the businessanymore and I can remove myself from
the day-to-day, which gives me alot of space and time and creativity
(26:28):
for just expression and joy and fun.
And I don't have to like bethis thing because I'm not the
human embodiment of this thing.
I, I definitely recommend listening tothe episode if you are thinking about,
you know, personal branding creator orbusiness brand and all of that stuff.
(26:48):
Something else that's been reallyhelping with this transition has also
been, uh, creating my life in my home.
And when I say my home, it is Spain.
Ooh, that's a big one.
Ooh, let me say that again.
That felt like scary andnerve-wracking and good.
(27:09):
My home is Spain and really acceptingthat this is home has been awesome.
Uh, I know that I talk about beinglocation independent and I am
technically, uh, but I do love havinga home base, and my home base is
Spain and it's been amazing to bemore involved in the community here.
(27:31):
I get to network with othersmall business owners.
I've gotten to meet somereally awesome people.
restaurant owners and store ownerswho know me, like it's really cool to
be in a place, especially in like aforeign country, in a foreign language.
Like I go to the nail salon andthey're like, Hola Cassandra!
(27:56):
Que tal?
Como vas?
Que tal estaba en Estados Unidos?
Things like that where they like askme questions and I'm like, oh my gosh.
Like we know each other like you get me.
Like we're friends, maybe not friends,but like acquaintances, like that's cool.
Like this is home.
This is what I wanted.
Like I wanted people to know me.
I wanted to go to like my fruitstand and they're always like,
okay, I've got you the apples.
(28:16):
They're always here.
You know, things like that.
And that I think has been really awesome.
Building my network in Spain, specificallyin Toledo and meeting other small
business owners frequently, goingto restaurants and cafes and stuff.
Creating like a little routine formyself, creating a life outside of
work and business and meeting friends.
(28:39):
That's been really, really awesome andthat's like helped so much, especially
because like I feel like I belong becauseI've made and decided that home is here,
and I'm also allowing myself to belongand I think that's a big one because you
(29:01):
know, I don't always talk about belonging,but like this podcast is here to explore
people who are floaters, people whoare lost, people who are multicultural,
hyphenated, people who kind of like fit inhere, don't fit in on all of this stuff.
I feel like I've alwaysbeen on a journey to belong.
And then I've also been on a journeyto like not belong because I want
(29:22):
to carve my own path and I think meallowing myself to belong in this
community space and like in this new.
version of myself, this nextiteration of my identity.
It's been really nice and safe becauseinstead of always looking at how I don't
(29:44):
belong and you know, looking for, thingsthat kind of like always make me stick
out, which still happens, you know, cuzlike, well Spain is quite homogenous
and I live in a smaller city than Madriduh, but now I think I've accepted that
I will always be in the, in between.
(30:04):
Like, I will always be a, a floater.
And because of that, because ofmy identities and experiences.
Being in between.
I'm basically living in the twilightzone of playing creativity and magic.
That is fucking cool.
(30:27):
That's fucking amazing.
Like do you know how, what theopportunities look like because
I get to play in the twilight.
, like I'm over here tearing up like y'all.
This podcast is just mm,realizations for myself.
Like, if you're getting somethingout of this, awesome, but like
me, I'm like saying this stuffout loud and I'm like, wow.
(30:49):
I am allowing myself to belong.
I am grieving the person I wasover the past 5 to 10 years.
I am learning to relove myself now,and I am accepting that I will always
be in the in between because of myidentities and experiences, and I occupy
(31:17):
and live in the Twilight Zone where Iget to play, create, and have fun with
all of the magic that exists there.
Mm mm mm.
I'm just gonna end it there because.
I don't really have much elseto say, like still grieving my
identity, death, still trying tofigure out what the heck I'm doing.
(31:38):
I feel like it's a whole new adventureevery single day and I get to
learn how to love this part of me.
This next part of me, this next me inall of my weird quirks and wild things.
And if you're currently going throughsomething similar, if you feel like, whoa,
(32:01):
this episode was like existential metaand all the things you're currently going
through, an identity death, I feel you.
It's tough, it's intense.
Lot of emotions, lots of crying.
I'm holding space.
I always like to end with a questionI did not give y'all questions
to ponder or journal on in thisepisode, not like the all the other.
, but the question I have is (32:21):
what would life look like if you allowed
yourself to belong, and what couldyou create in your own Twilight zone?
(32:41):
Ooh, that felt good.
If you want to send me a message onInstagram @CassandraTLe and let's
talk about it if you're open toit, and if not, that's okay too.
But if you wanna chat more,then send me a message.
I love talking about this.
All right, y'all.
I will see you in the next episode.
(33:02):
Stay fierce fam..
If you're hearing this message, that meansyou made it to the end of this episode.
Yay.
Thanks for listening.
If you enjoyed this episode andthought to yourself, whoa, it me,
I'd love if you could share this withothers, post about it on social media
and or leave a rating and review.
Don't forget to subscribe.
(33:23):
Wanna hang out with me inother areas of the internet?
You can follow me on Instagram at@CassandraTLe for brand message and
content marketing tips and resources.
Check out my business@TheQuirkyPineappleStudio.
Thanks again and seeyou in the next episode.
Stay fierce fam.
In this podcast episode, I refer toBetter Help an online therapy platform.
I do realize that Better Help has hadand received a lot of mixed reviews, not
just for the platform itself, but forthe therapists that are on that platform.
I do want to share that my experiencewith Better Help has been really great,
and the therapists that I've beenworking with, I found them on Better
(00:21):
Help and have been with them for overa year before going on to Better Help.
Please do your due diligence.
I have referenced a referral link below,but of course, do what works best for you.
Because of my identities and experie.
Being in between.
I'm basically living in the TwilightZone of playing creativity and magic.
(00:48):
That is fucking cool.
Hello hello everyone.
I'm Cassandra Le and you'relistening to I'm Lost, so what?
The podcast exploring betweenbelonging and carving your own path
for all the peeps out there who kindof know what you're doing, but still
question what the fuck is going on?
Yeah, I'm with ya.
(01:11):
Hello, hello and welcome back to I'm Lost.
So what, so in today's episode, weare getting existential again and
honestly, a little bit of a disclaimerbecause this subject is a little a
little squishy for me and somethingthat I think may cause me to cry.
(01:34):
So if you hear a little sniffle snifflehere and there throughout the episode,
just pull out out a tissue for me.
Will you?
And if you are one of those people whocries, when other people cries, my bad.
Sorry about that.
I don't know whether you arelistening to this episode.
If it's in your car, if you're onthe metro and you're crying in.
My bad, y'all.
My bad.
So in today we're getting existentialbecause I want to talk about
(01:59):
identity, death and grieving.
So this episode is titled Rest inPeace to the Me I Learned To Love, and
that is already giving me goosebumpsand giving me a little teary eyed.
But let's, let's dive into this becausethis has been sitting on my heart for
a really long time and I feel like Ihaven't really been able to talk about it.
(02:23):
I've written a lot about it in my journalor, uh, to a previous newsletter I used
to have, and I've talked about it withlike, you know, my partner, but I've
never actually really shared about it.
And if you scrolled through my Instagram.
I've also shared bits and pieces ofit there, but not, not like this.
(02:44):
And today I really wanna diveinto grieving identity deaths.
And before we go into, you know, thiswhole grieving process and all of that, I
wanna dive into what is an identity death.
Uh, I've linked in these show notesa, an Instagram post that I shared
(03:05):
a while back that kind of exploredthis idea, and then one of my other
friends messaged me and they actuallyasked me, Hey, you know what?
I think in start, instead of, youknow, first defining identity, I think
you need to define what death is.
And that's what we'reabout to do right now.
Cause I've been thinking about itand I'm gonna answer two questions
(03:28):
next, which is, what is death?
And what is identity?
So to me, death is really scary totalk about because I don't think I've
actually ever talked about it openly.
I feel like this is atopic that is very taboo.
And for me, death is when, ofcourse you, you leave this planet.
(03:51):
Uh, but death can also bewhen something ends, right?
Like when a relationship ends.
When I don't know, a career ends.
Um, when a plant dies.
That's actually very sad.
Uh, and what happens after deathis we usually mourn and grieve
(04:12):
because it's kind of a large changeto something that we were used to.
And how I interpret death is that,you know, it doesn't necessarily,
like, I'm not talking about likewhen a person leaves us or you know,
when a person leaves the planet.
I'm talking more about like, changeand transition happens when, how I
(04:34):
interpret death is that, yes, it ends,but the moment or the experience stays
with you, so you kind of carry thatfor the rest of your life really, and
, you could call that experience now.
And you know, now you have experienceto live off of and you have lessons
(05:00):
and concepts that you've learnedbecause of this transition and change.
So that's how I interpret death,that we always kind of carry this
with us because we're still hereand these changes and transitions
basically shape how we do things.
(05:21):
Because that's what we experienced.
Now, what is identity andhow do I understand identity?
So I understand identityas a very fluid thing.
We can change identities, we can pickup identities, we can drop identities.
And our identities are made up ofour personal stories, our beliefs,
(05:43):
our actions, our experiences.
It could be based off of,you know, our cultures.
It could be based off of howwe, what we like, what we don't
like, and all of that is fluid.
Because as we grow and change andexperience different things in life,
(06:04):
it influences our identity becausewe can say, oh yeah, I hate pickles.
And then three months later you'llbe like, I fucking love pickles.
I actually love pickles.
Um, that could be part of your identity.
So that is first, what is it,what I believe to be a death and
what I believe to be identity.
(06:24):
Now, what is an identity death?
And I think an identity death is,this is from my Instagram post,
I'm just gonna read it to you.
That identity death is, are wereinventing ourselves or are we, she.
cultural or social programmingof what we thought we were.
(06:48):
And the question I pose is, arewe, were we always this person
or are we becoming this person?
And my definition of an identity death,this is for my Instagram post that I
shared, uh, back in October of 2022, isthat when you realize that in an identity
that you once used, Or identified with,doesn't fit or align with your current
(07:11):
beliefs, situation, stories, or values.
Identity deaths can happen when you moveinto a different season of your life.
You had a major milestone, you had amindset shift or something happened
that makes you question an identity thatyou had and , we can get more into this
because this Instagram post talks aboutlike reinvention versus shedding, being
(07:36):
and becoming, and you know, deconstructingtime, context, culture, and society.
that I think will have to be a wholeseparate episode, but that is what
I believe is an identity death.
That's how I define it.
Let me just share that one more time.
Um, it is when you realize that in anidentity that you once use doesn't fit
(07:56):
or align with your current beliefs,situations, stories for values, identity
deaths can happen when you move intoa different season of your life, you
had a major milestone mindset shiftor something happened that makes
you question an identity that you.
So in 2022 last year, uh, 2022, Ibasically spent the entire year grieving.
(08:22):
And let me just take a breath there.
That sounds really a tense.
I spent the entire year grieving myself.
Ooh, the tears are already coming, y'all. So I spent an entire year grieving.
Mainly because of this identityI had and this idea I had of this
(08:46):
person and this person was me.
Like the identity that I had and whoI believed I was, and it wasn't just
who I believed I was, it was all ofthe vision, like the vision and the,
all of the goals I had as this person,this person that I was grieving.
(09:07):
And what I realized was that who I was,how I was, my stories, my beliefs, my
actions, um, they were hurting me and Ididn't want to be that person anymore.
(09:28):
And that was so sad because like Isaid in the beginning of this episode,
this, this episode is called Rest inPeace To The Me I Learned to Love.
And when I realized that I wasn't thisperson anymore, this idea, all the goals
(09:52):
I had, the vision I had of attached tothis person I realized was hurting me.
As in me, myself, hurting myself.
I'm telling y'all like this isexistential meta, all of this stuff.
I felt immense love and attachmentto this person because I've been
working on this person for 10 years.
(10:15):
Ooh, tears.
This person, me, me, me 10 yearsago I've been working on myself.
Or working on like certain thingspersonally through life coaching,
through therapy, through justjournaling and like understanding
myself more, uh, from my junior yearof college when I was about 20, 21
(10:38):
up until last year when I turned 30.
And this person, with all of thethings that I was going through, I,
I learned, I really learned to love.
This person myself, I really learnedto love that version of myself.
I learned to love who I was.
I learned to, you know, lovemy ideas and really understand
(11:04):
what my beliefs and values were.
I learned I was worthy oflove and choosing myself,
uh, in those past 10 years.
And the biggest thing was who I was.
Or who I am really, because thisperson doesn't necessarily stop, right?
If we're going off of my definitionof death, like I carry this
(11:24):
person with me all the time.
Who I was, who I am, the pastthe me 10 years ago, or the me.
Within the age range of 20 to 30, um, thisperson got me to where I am today, where
I am today, which is sitting in my office.
It is currently 11:26 PM I am in Toledo,Spain, and I am by myself recording
(11:49):
in my office with like my watercolorpaintings, my 2023 vision board.
I've got my squish mellows and my oraclecards and all my fun funky colors and.
that me 10 years ago or the metimeframe, 10 years, uh, got me to here.
(12:14):
That person that I like, I had grit.
Not saying that I don't now, butlike this person, me, Cassandra
had grit, perseverance, resilience,patience, tenacity, strength, guts.
This person, me, worked so hardto get to where I am right now.
(12:41):
Like I loved this person.
I love this person.
I love that Cassandra cuzI am so proud of that.
Cassandra.
I am so proud of myself that Igot here, this was the dream.
This was my vision.
This was my goal for 10 years, thenfive years, and here I am sitting today
(13:06):
running the business that I wanted,having this fun, creative project,
living in a place that I really enjoy,having color and creative time, and.
I, I am really proud ofmyself and I am really like, I
(13:30):
really love this about myself.
And then I realized last year that.
That me was hurting me.
That this grit, perseverance, resilience,the tenacity, strength, guts and courage
I had, while all those things areamazing, they were hurting me and it
wasn't what I needed or wanted anymore,like I didn't like, in 2022, I realized
(13:57):
like the grit and perseverance andresilience that I relied on the strength
and guts and courage that brought to thetable these past five years, the past
10 years, showing up for myself likepushing, pushing, pushing, was hurting me.
And it, it wasn't what Iwanted or needed at the moment.
And I realized that I needed to let thatCassandra go, and that's when I realized
(14:22):
that I was having like an identity death.
And it, it was, and I mean, still goingthrough it, I believe, really painful.
Uh, I had a lot of fear.
Well, I'm talking about this likeit's past tense, like it happened.
Um, I would say it's still happening.
So still lots of fear and lots ofpain and worrying about if this
(14:47):
is right, is this what I want?
Uh, I feel like really sad and guiltyto let this version of myself go, this
pers- like this version of Cassandra thatbrought so much grit and perseverance.
So much resilience, so much courage,so much strength to the to the
table for something different.
(15:10):
Like I'm letting this person go, likethis person, me, the me I am/was -see
how this is kind of hard and existential.
I'm like, I'm choosing to let this persongo, this person that got me here, and
I feel guilty because it's like, dude,this person, this person's awesome.
(15:34):
This fucking person is fucking great.
This person like got usto where we are today.
How can you let this person go?
And I was not sure how fully honormy, like, fully honor that version
of myself and then welcome in a, anew identity, a different identity.
(15:55):
And I think what has happened around theend of last year and moving into this
year, so like still happening right now asI'm recording this, I, I'm realizing what
this new version of Cassandra is and whoI represent, what I want now, what I am,
(16:17):
where am I in my journey, and the visionand goals that this new version of me has.
And I don't know if it's necessarilya new version of me or if this
person has always been there.
I just needed to go through like differentstages of who I am and that's kind of
(16:37):
difficult because it's like, oh, I haveto let go of this Cassandra that like
brought so much to the table and now I'mmoving into, okay, well this Cassandra
doesn't really know what she wants.
Uh, this Cassandra's a little lost.
So what?
See what I did there?
Um, this Cassandra is kind of like,Hmm, can I be a different way?
(17:01):
Was I always this way?
Is this who I really am?
And now I'm going into likethis whole accepting period
of accepting this I this new.
I always say new and maybe new is notlike the the best word, but I don't
know what other word to use maybe.
Um, the Cassandra has always been there.
(17:23):
I guess my higher self, if you're intolike spirituality, maybe that's it?
Higher self, Cassandra?
Is that it?
I don't know.
New Cassandra?
This version of Cassandra today.
Cassandra, who knows?
But I'm, I'm relearning, I'm learningto ReLove myself in this process
(17:44):
because, you know, like I said before,10 years ago, within the past 10
years, I have learned to love myself.
I learned to love, you know, who?
Of course, it's always a work in progress.
You know, there are days, but,um, I have learned to love myself.
I've learned to accept myself.
I've learned to speak up for myself.
I've learned to ask for what I want.
(18:06):
I learned to understandwhat my beliefs were.
I learned to understandwhat my values were.
I learned to stand up for myvalues, and now this next iteration
of who I am, I have to relearn.
Well, I have to learn how to ReLovemyself cuz I have new beliefs, new
(18:28):
values, new ideas, new ways of showingup, new ways of being that I don't know
yet, but I have to learn what they are.
And that has been awhole work in progress.
Um, it's been requiring a lotof self-compassion, a lot of
gentleness with myself and a lotof care, like a lot, a lot of care.
(18:52):
I, I think I've become a lot moreaware and intentional of certain
things that I do in my life.
Certain habits, certain I guess,behaviors, and it's actually caused me
to run into a lot of growing pains likeI feel like there's this huge gap right
(19:19):
now because I, I learned to love myselfover the past 10 years, and then all
of a sudden in 2022, I realized, Hmm,that's, that's not what I want anymore.
That's not what I need anymore.
And.
I was acting like, youknow, this is who I am.
(19:42):
I picked up habits and patterns andbehaviors and ways of thinking and
being over the past 10 years, andthen all of a sudden decided, well,
this is not what I want anymore.
This is not what I need.
Uh, I need something else, and nowI have to relearn and ReLove me
(20:06):
because I'm not only relearning whoI am and reloving myself, gosh, I'm
like teary . I have, I'm learning.
It's not just relearningmyself and reloving myself.
It is learning not to fall backinto this old me that was, you know,
(20:29):
causing me pain in certain ways.
It is you know, having compassion andself-compassion, gentleness and care,
because this person got me to where I am,and that version of myself is like fucking
awesome because that Cassandra was,you know, I'm showing up and not taking
your shit and just doing the damn thing.
(20:50):
And now this Cassandra is like,Hmm, I need more softness.
I need more gentleness.
I need more care.
I need more compassion.
I need more grace.
And that has got me running into lotsof things like fear, mindset, blocks,
guilt, shame, uh, repeating old cyclesand patterns because it's default and
(21:15):
easy and got me thinking that I amworried because I think I'm gonna mess it.
And I'm not totally surewhere we're going from here.
I feel like this is totallyan episode that could just be
played in my therapy session.
But it's interesting because lastyear I had this like huge shock
(21:38):
of, Ooh, I am grieving, but Idon't know what I'm grieving.
And it took me a while to figureout what is exactly it is that I am
grieving cuz I was like, Hmm, I feelsad and I don't know why I feel sad.
And I was like bringing the, thisconcept to my therapist and she
was like, what is, what's going on?
And I was like, journaling a lot.
And I remember on my 30th birthday Idid a, a tarrot spread and an oracle
(22:02):
spread and all of a sudden I felt likethis huge energy of just, like my, I
guess my ancestors, like my grandma,um, and my great grandmama and my
great-uncle and a few people in mylife, like friends from college and, uh,
(22:24):
family, friends who passed really young.
They all started like calling me.
And I remember in one of my lifecoaching sessions with, uh, who was
my life coach, she mentioned somethingthat I thought was really interesting.
She was saying, you know, if you'rerunning into certain things that
they, and they don't feel like yours.
(22:44):
It honestly could be the, the generationalstuff, like it could be from your
ancestors that, you know, they're,they're worried and they're not sure,
and they're a little scared too, andthey're kind of pushing it onto you.
And I think that's what it.
Uh, I felt a lot of like, not just myown fear and, you know, realizations
(23:06):
of, Hey, you know, the way I'm showingup is hurting me and the way I'm
showing up is not what I need anymore.
It was a lot of, okay.
I realized that and then spirituallyI had other people's stuff from
generations ago that were showing upthat was you know, scared, worried,
(23:29):
not sure, eh, what are you doing?
Like, you're doing so well.
Why change now?
You know, this is not,this is not gonna work.
Maybe like, maybe you can justhang on and like push through.
It's okay.
And I remember after a coaching session,I, I journaled a little bit more and
(23:49):
I realized these are not my fears.
These are not my, my things.
It doesn't feel like mine.
It doesn't sit in my body in the same waywhen I know it's mine and that's come up.
I mean, so many things have come upsince I feel like this whole grieving
(24:10):
the me I learned to love and nowlearning, relearning to love this me is.
As a whole sh- shebang.
I have no idea.
Uh, what is actually helpingwith this transition?
Therapy.
Shout out to my therapist, uh, Janelle,and to better help for being awesome
(24:33):
and for supporting me and having a spacewhere I can go and talk about this.
I mean, not this specifically, but justlike other things that are coming up,
you know that's been really amazing.
And if you want a free week tobetter help into therapy, then I
have put a code in the show notesif you wanna check out better help.
(24:55):
Uh, something else that's also beenhelping with this transition is I've
just started working with Gisele Allen,who is a life and leadership coach
for black indigenous women of color.
And that's been really helpful to talkto somebody because, it's not just
like how I'm showing up personally.
I've noticed that like, and I'vementioned this on Instagram, if you
(25:18):
follow me, I started noticing a reallybig gap in my leadership and how I
wanted to be, and you know, how I wantedto show up not just as like a business
owner, but as like a literal human andthat this coaching has helped a lot.
Uh, something else that's beenhelping me with this transition
of, you know, grieving.
my identity, death and learning to ReLovemyself in the process is leaning into
(25:43):
my creativity and joy outside of work.
Yay to removing, well, notfully removing, but you know,
working to remove internalizedcapitalism and white supremacy.
It's an ongoing process here.
And if you listen to episode three ofthe, I'm Lost, so what podcast I talk
about, you know, it is to have a separatepersonal brand and a business brand.
(26:07):
And I think having my personal brandand my own vision that is not related
to work all the time is so helpful.
Uh, I'm not so tied into the businessanymore and I can remove myself from
the day-to-day, which gives me alot of space and time and creativity
(26:28):
for just expression and joy and fun.
And I don't have to like bethis thing because I'm not the
human embodiment of this thing.
I, I definitely recommend listening tothe episode if you are thinking about,
you know, personal branding creator orbusiness brand and all of that stuff.
(26:48):
Something else that's been reallyhelping with this transition has also
been, uh, creating my life in my home.
And when I say my home, it is Spain.
Ooh, that's a big one.
Ooh, let me say that again.
That felt like scary andnerve-wracking and good.
(27:09):
My home is Spain and really acceptingthat this is home has been awesome.
Uh, I know that I talk about beinglocation independent and I am
technically, uh, but I do love havinga home base, and my home base is
Spain and it's been amazing to bemore involved in the community here.
(27:31):
I get to network with othersmall business owners.
I've gotten to meet somereally awesome people.
restaurant owners and store ownerswho know me, like it's really cool to
be in a place, especially in like aforeign country, in a foreign language.
Like I go to the nail salon andthey're like, Hola Cassandra!
(27:56):
Que tal?
Como vas?
Que tal estaba en Estados Unidos?
Things like that where they like askme questions and I'm like, oh my gosh.
Like we know each other like you get me.
Like we're friends, maybe not friends,but like acquaintances, like that's cool.
Like this is home.
This is what I wanted.
Like I wanted people to know me.
I wanted to go to like my fruitstand and they're always like,
okay, I've got you the apples.
(28:16):
They're always here.
You know, things like that.
And that I think has been really awesome.
Building my network in Spain, specificallyin Toledo and meeting other small
business owners frequently, goingto restaurants and cafes and stuff.
Creating like a little routine formyself, creating a life outside of
work and business and meeting friends.
(28:39):
That's been really, really awesome andthat's like helped so much, especially
because like I feel like I belong becauseI've made and decided that home is here,
and I'm also allowing myself to belongand I think that's a big one because you
(29:01):
know, I don't always talk about belonging,but like this podcast is here to explore
people who are floaters, people whoare lost, people who are multicultural,
hyphenated, people who kind of like fit inhere, don't fit in on all of this stuff.
I feel like I've alwaysbeen on a journey to belong.
And then I've also been on a journeyto like not belong because I want
(29:22):
to carve my own path and I think meallowing myself to belong in this
community space and like in this new.
version of myself, this nextiteration of my identity.
It's been really nice and safe becauseinstead of always looking at how I don't
(29:44):
belong and you know, looking for, thingsthat kind of like always make me stick
out, which still happens, you know, cuzlike, well Spain is quite homogenous
and I live in a smaller city than Madriduh, but now I think I've accepted that
I will always be in the, in between.
(30:04):
Like, I will always be a, a floater.
And because of that, because ofmy identities and experiences.
Being in between.
I'm basically living in the twilightzone of playing creativity and magic.
That is fucking cool.
(30:27):
That's fucking amazing.
Like do you know how, what theopportunities look like because
I get to play in the twilight.
, like I'm over here tearing up like y'all.
This podcast is just mm,realizations for myself.
Like, if you're getting somethingout of this, awesome, but like
me, I'm like saying this stuffout loud and I'm like, wow.
(30:49):
I am allowing myself to belong.
I am grieving the person I wasover the past 5 to 10 years.
I am learning to relove myself now,and I am accepting that I will always
be in the in between because of myidentities and experiences, and I occupy
(31:17):
and live in the Twilight Zone where Iget to play, create, and have fun with
all of the magic that exists there.
Mm mm mm.
I'm just gonna end it there because.
I don't really have much elseto say, like still grieving my
identity, death, still trying tofigure out what the heck I'm doing.
(31:38):
I feel like it's a whole new adventureevery single day and I get to
learn how to love this part of me.
This next part of me, this next me inall of my weird quirks and wild things.
And if you're currently going throughsomething similar, if you feel like, whoa,
(32:01):
this episode was like existential metaand all the things you're currently going
through, an identity death, I feel you.
It's tough, it's intense.
Lot of emotions, lots of crying.
I'm holding space.
I always like to end with a questionI did not give y'all questions
to ponder or journal on in thisepisode, not like the all the other.
, but the question I have is (32:21):
what would life look like if you allowed
yourself to belong, and what couldyou create in your own Twilight zone?
(32:41):
Ooh, that felt good.
If you want to send me a message onInstagram @CassandraTLe and let's
talk about it if you're open toit, and if not, that's okay too.
But if you wanna chat more,then send me a message.
I love talking about this.
All right, y'all.
I will see you in the next episode.
(33:02):
Stay fierce fam..
If you're hearing this message, that meansyou made it to the end of this episode.
Yay.
Thanks for listening.
If you enjoyed this episode andthought to yourself, whoa, it me,
I'd love if you could share this withothers, post about it on social media
and or leave a rating and review.
Don't forget to subscribe.
(33:23):
Wanna hang out with me inother areas of the internet?
You can follow me on Instagram at@CassandraTLe for brand message and
content marketing tips and resources.
Check out my business@TheQuirkyPineappleStudio.
Thanks again and seeyou in the next episode.
Stay fierce fam.
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