April 23, 2023 • 37 mins
For all the people who don’t have ‘one core friend group’, and instead float between multiple friend groups - THIS EPISODE IS FOR YOU (aka US!) 👯♀️
In episode 08 of I’m lost, so what? Cassandra dives into the evolution of friendships as an adult living abroad and what it’s been like being a “floater”.
If you’ve ever dealt with the difficulty of:
- Making friends as an adult
- Making friends while living abroad
- Feeling like you’re extremely ‘alone’ even though you have multiple friend groups
- Friendship break-ups
THIS podcast episode is for you. This conversation probably won’t tell you HOW to make friends as an adult, but maybe it’ll give you a different perspective on friendships and deepening the ones that you already do have.
Connect with Cassandra elsewhere:
- Cassandra’s Personal Instagram - https://www.instagram.com/cassandratle/
- The Quirky Pineapple Studio Instagram - https://www.instagram.com/thequirkypineapplestudio/
Additional resources mentioned in the episode:
- Bumble BFF - https://bumble.com/bff
- Ep 04 “RIP to the me I learned to love” - https://imlostsowhat.podbean.com/e/rip-to-the-me-i-learned-to-love/
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
And know that it's the territory thatcomes with the lifestyle that I've
chosen to live, and that has beenreally, really actually kind of like,
hmm, I don't wanna say sad, but thisrealization acceptance of like, oh, okay.
That's just how it is.
It's not good or bad, but it's justone of the feelings that come with.
(00:22):
The lifestyle that I have chosen to live.
Hello?
Hello everyone.
I'm Cassandra Le and you'relistening to I'm Lost.
So what the podcast exploring betweenbelonging and carving your own path
for all the peeps out there who kindof know what you're doing, but still
question what the fuck is going on?
Yeah, I'm with ya.
(00:42):
Hello.
Hello and welcome back to the I'm Lost.
So what podcast?
This is your host, Cassandra Le, andtoday we are talking all about making
friends as an adult and not just as anadult, but this is for all my people out
there who are also adults living abroad.
(01:04):
So whether that means that you arean expat, whether that means you
are an immigrant, whether that meanslike you decided to move abroad for
a little bit, if you are locationindependent or a digital nomad.
Hello, hello you're my people.
This episode is for us really.
And even if you haven't moved arounda lot, this episode is for you too.
(01:27):
Of course.
But I'm gonna be talking specificallyabout what it's like to make friends
abroad and also what it's like tomake friends abroad as an adult,
which is like a whole other thing.
Honestly, like if somebody had told mehow difficult it would be to make friends
as an adult and then add on the layer.
Of making friends as anadult while living abroad.
(01:50):
Like, damn y'all.
Damn.
Anyways, let's just get intoit because honestly I am.
Oh my gosh, I was about to say I'm 30.
That's a lie.
I'm 31 now.
Um, but nobody told me how difficult itis to actually make friends as an adult.
It's hard.
I don't know if it's like, hard isthe correct word, but I honestly
(02:11):
feel like it is more complicatedthan I realized because literally
everybody has like their own lives.
I mean, yeah.
You know, I just said that out loudand I'm like, well, duh of course
everybody has their own lives.
Um, But yeah, but it waslike a realization that I
didn't, that I did not know.
So making friends as an adult isreally not like high school or college
(02:33):
because I feel like when I was in highschool, when I was in college, we had
like this bubble that it, where itwas like easy to connect with people
because we joined clubs, we joinedactivities, we had things to do and like
it was an environment to make friends.
And now that I am an adult, I feel likemy priorities and values have changed
and that has caused me to one reestablishrelationships that I've had with
(02:56):
connections and current people in my life.
And then also, To decide andreevaluate, oh, do I want to have
this relationship in my life?
And it's also given me kind of likethis new perspective to be more
intentional with the time and connectionsthat I do have to make sure that
like the people that I'm building arelationship actually understand me
(03:17):
and then I actually understand them.
And aside from that, I honestly feellike on a logistical standpoint,
making friends as an adult just becomesmore complicated because everybody,
like I said before, has their ownlives so everybody has like their own
schedule and finding time is hard.
I have found that finding timehere in Spain with my Spanish
(03:39):
friends is a little bit easier.
I don't know why.
And then finding time with friendsin the United States is a little bit
different because I come home and youknow, I tell people ahead of time,
but it's like I have to plan two tothree weeks ahead of time to hang
out with people in the United States.
So I don't know ifthat's a cultural thing.
But anyways, going into this, I didwanna talk about something, this
concept that I have been brewing onin my brain about being a floater.
(04:03):
So I keep saying that I am a floater,and this is funny because I'm
actually laughing at my own joke.
Um, because I had a, I gave a speechin Montreal, Canada at the seven and
seven Digital Nomad Conference whereI talked about being a multicultural
human and who am I as a multiculturalhuman, as well as not just being a
(04:26):
multicultural human, but being a floater.
So what is a floater.
Sounds like a piece of poop.
But let me, before I get ahead ofmyself in talking about floating pieces
of poop, that is very, very visceral.
Being a floater in my terms, is somebodywho kind of like, I don't wanna use the
word float to describe the word floaters.
Let me, let me backtrack that.
Okay.
(04:46):
Being a floater, For me is somebody whooccupies and lives in the in-between.
Back to this podcast.
I'm lost, so what?
So it is a person who has multiple friendgroups and they are people who don't
just have like one core friend group.
They have multiple that theyhang out with, and the different
(05:07):
friend groups that they hang outwith might not know each other.
So they're the ones thatare kind of floating.
Like let's say for example, me, Iconsider myself a floater because
I have multiple friend groups.
The multiple friend groups that Ihave can be people from high school,
people from college, multiple groups incollege, multiple groups here in Spain.
(05:27):
Multiple groups from like myfriends who are digital nomads
or location independent.
They don't actually know eachother and they wouldn't necessarily
hang out with each other.
So what happens is I am the floater and Ikind of like bounce from group to group.
That's what I consider being afloater in this term, in like
the friendship realm that we'retalking about in the podcast today.
(05:48):
So if you are a floater too, holla,well, you can't because it's a
podcast though, like you're listening.
So send me a message onInstagram at @CassandraTLe.
Let me know if you are also a floater.
And something about being a floateris that it's really cool because I get
to hang out with like all of my otherdifferent friends and I can like kind
of do different activities based on thefriend group that I decide to hang out.
(06:09):
But I've always envied the people whohave had one group that they always
hang out with, and I always feel likethat, like this, envy when I think to
myself, oh, who can I text today tobe like, Hey, you wanna grab a pizza?
But I can't because then I'm like, whoa,do I wanna hang out with this group?
Or do I wanna hang out with this group?
Like what's the vibethat I'm going for today?
(06:31):
And then I always felt like,Ugh, this is sad because like
I want one core friend group.
I don't know if my sisterlistens to my podcast, but.
One of my sisters actually haslike a core group of friends
that she always hangs out with.
And you know, they do girls' nights, theydo trips together, they hang out and do
brunch, and then they have like anothergroup that they always hang out with too.
(06:54):
And yeah, some people have comein and out of that group, but it's
usually just like this core groupand I'm like, oh, I want that.
Like I want one group to hang out withhim and be like, Hey, I'm downstairs, come
outside when I have like multiple groups.
And yeah, the grass is alwaysgreen on the other side.
Right?
But I also feel like, yay.
(07:15):
I am really grateful to have othergroups because I do feel like when I
have multiple groups of friends to hangout with, it taps into different parts
of my identity and different partsof the experiences that I have had.
So I get to be the multicultural,multi-layered person that I am, depending
(07:36):
on the group that I'm hanging out with.
So for example, in college I hungout with friends on my dance team.
I hung out with dance friends in general.
Then I hung out with friendsthat were in my major, my
hospitality management friends.
Then I had just like myregular good friends.
Then I had food friends, et cetera.
And all of those different groups,like didn't really know each other.
(07:59):
Maybe they like knew of each other.
But of course I was the floater andthe, I was the one like going around,
hanging out with each group on my own.
And yes, I still envy like having acore group, but I think what's really
cool is that all of those groupsrepresented different parts of me and
it really allowed like different partsof my personality, different parts
(08:19):
of my identity to develop becauseI was able to have conversations
about lots of different things.
So yay to being a floater.
If you are also a floater,Hey, hey, if you are not a
floater, Well, that's okay too.
I envy your core group of friends.
So I, I do think that it is kind ofcool to not have one group of friends
(08:40):
and I, I've always been like this,like since I was really young, but it
really manifested itself to look likenow that I am living abroad in Spain.
It manifested itself to look likehaving friends all over the world,
spanning all age ranges, andbuilding like a huge community.
So yay to being a floater andhaving friends all over the world.
(09:03):
And now I can visit peopleand run to people all over.
I've run into people or visitedpeople around Europe, around the USA
in Canada, south America, et cetera.
And.
It's kind of cool.
Side note, funny story.
When I was in college, I alwayswanted to have a kindness army, like
a kindness army all over the world todo random acts of kindness together
(09:23):
and also to like, if I wanted totravel there, they could host me.
If they wanted to come here, Icould host them, and I kind of did.
Built that by being a floater.
So yay to being a floater, uh,and just making friends all over.
So why is it so difficult to makefriends as an adult and living abroad?
So I feel like there are layers to this.
(09:47):
So I'm gonna go through this and talkmore about like my experience and the
different layers, but then also kind oftalk about the shift that I had within
my own identity and how that impactedmy friendships and relationships.
And then also how I ended up reallybuilding community and being okay with not
necessarily having one core friend group.
(10:09):
So I really feel like there are.
Layers to having friends abroad and alsolayers to just making friends as an adult.
One being an adult, everybody's busy.
They, we all have our own lives.
And then living abroad of course,again, adds another layer to it because
now I have friends from home and thenfriends abroad, and then friends when
I've traveled and all of this stuff.
(10:29):
I feel like culture also adds to itbecause like now that I live in a
different country, I feel like my.
Perception, my priorities, my ideasof what friendship is has changed.
And also like the, howwould I say this in Spanish?
It's like intimacy, I guessis maybe not the best word.
(10:50):
Um, but the idea of, okay, how, whatdoes that like relationship look like?
How close are we?
And then of course, uh, because Ilive in a Spanish speaking country,
language is also another layer to it.
And now that my Spanish has improved, Ithink I've had a lot more opportunity to
make friends who are Spanish or Spanishspeaking because we now share a language,
(11:13):
and that has definitely made it easier.
I feel like when I wasn't reallyfluent in Spanish, it ended up
being really difficult because Icouldn't really express myself.
They couldn't really understand me,and it was just like this whole barrier
literally that we couldn't get acrossbecause nobody understood each other.
And then just as well, not just because ofthese layers, I think things also shifted.
(11:38):
When I turned 30, I realizedthat I didn't wanna have shallow
conversations with people anymore.
And I feel like this also ended upbeing because of Covid and the pandemic.
And of course when, you know, we wereall locked inside and like we were.
Keeping up with people and justlike messaging people and kind
of like checking in on them.
I realized like, huh, my prioritieshave shifted, not just about like
(12:00):
life in general and work identityand all of those things -health.
I'd also shifted relating to therelationships that I want to you have,
like, I didn't wanna have shallowconversations with people anymore.
I felt like, you know, I wanna,I wanna just get into it.
I wanna, I, I'm tiredof being surface level.
I want deeper conversationsand connections.
(12:21):
So basically I decided I'm gonnaput in the work to maintain
relationships and feel closer topeople and have like real intention.
Which is kind of scary because you knowwhen you are friends with somebody, if
you've known them for a long time, I feellike, you know, you've fall into this.
Yeah.
We're friends, like we, of coursewe talk about like, everything.
I, I tell them about this and I tellthem about that and like, we come
(12:41):
to each other when we have problems.
But I was like, no, no.
I wanna, I really wanna get to like,know you, you, I wanna get to know
what scares you and like have thesereally difficult conversations.
I really feel like it's because of thepriorities around one entering like a new
decade in my life, and then also becauseof covid and pandemic and like not being
(13:03):
around people for a while and for a while.
I mean like literallytwo-ish, three years.
It really made me think about,hmm, you know, I don't wanna
just talk about the weather.
Or catch up about whathas happened in your life.
I would love to have deeperconversations about like, well, what
shifted for you during the pandemic?
What shifted for you during Covid?
(13:24):
Like what were some ofyour own realizations?
So because of this shift, I feel likesome of my friendships kind of just
disappeared and it's a little bitdisappointing cuz I don't know if you've
ever had like a friendship breakup andy'all, I mean, breakups, relationship
breakups are difficult and like, youknow, breakups in general are difficult,
but like friendship breakups, my gosh.
(13:45):
Like they really, oh, theymake me feel some type of way.
I feel like my heart and like souljust drops because it is so painful.
And that's kind of what happened.
Not necessarily full on breakups, but Ihad a couple of friendship just kind of
disappear within the past couple years.
And I feel like it's becausepriorities and values have changed.
I was okay with lettinggo of the friendship.
(14:07):
They were probably okay with lettinggo of the friendship because you
know, we just kind of lost touch and.
I feel like as an adult now,uh, Ooh., Saying that's funny.
As an adult now, I, Istill think about them.
I feel like there aren't any hardfeelings, but I also realize like, oh,
it's just not going the same place andwe're just not making time for each other.
(14:30):
And this reminds me of somethingthat my mom told me when I was 14,
maybe 15 when I was in high school.
And I wanted like lots of friendsand to be super popular, as does one
want in the United States becauseof course popularity in high school
is very, very, very important.
My mom always told me, you really want asmaller inner circle of friends instead
of like a huge group of people becausethose are the ones that are gonna stick
(14:51):
by you, and those are the ones that arereally gonna be there when you need them.
And to be there foryour support, of course.
At 13 or 14, 15, whatever, I probablylike agreed and said, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Mom, uh, didn't reallytake it into account.
And now I'm like, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Mom, I don't know if mom, mamaLe listens to this podcast,
but you were right, mother.
(15:12):
You were right.
So, how do you actuallymake friends as an adult?
Like if you're listening to this podcastand you're like, oh, she's gonna about,
like, Cassandra's gonna about to tellme how to make friends as an adult.
Um, I'm sorry.
I don't actually know how to do that yet.
I am experimenting with how to dothat and here is what I am finding.
So I'm finding different activitiesto partake in here in Spain, and then
(15:36):
also finding different interests.
So I'm kind of exploring new hobbiesand then I am also understanding that,
okay, because I live abroad, I don'tnecessarily always fit into the culture
and I'm kind of just being, findingacceptance basically, and acknowledging
that there will always be some sortof friction there, but I don't have
(15:57):
to kind of like make it a big deal.
I can kind of push through and stillfind different ways to connect.
So the rest of this, if you're like,oh, she's not gonna tell me how
to make friends as an adult, um,you can turn off this podcast now.
I'm sorry I'm not, cuzI don't really know.
I'm still figuring it out.
But if you are interested in kind oflearning about how I kind of made a
(16:22):
couple friends built community and allof that stuff, and keep on listening.
So some of the adult friendships thatI have here's the thing, because one,
being a floater, like I mentionedbefore, I have friend groups all over.
So that means that most of the time,like my closest friends, that inner
circle that I had talked about orthat my mom told me about, and now
(16:45):
that I have, they're not always here.
Like I am not always around them,which makes it really difficult
because sometimes I'm like, oh, Idon't have anybody to grab a pizza
with and like talk about stuff.
And sometimes I want to talkto this friend group about
it, but they don't live here.
Now we have like a time zone differenceand that has been kind of like this
(17:07):
friction that I've been feeling.
But I also understand that, you know,my, my friends are all over and.
How do I go into this?
My friends are all over.
Uh, we have like our past circumstancesand situations that have brought us here,
(17:28):
but I feel like over the past coupleyears, and I really do think like Covid
and the pandemic kind of influenced this,we've been learning to accept and support
one another on totally different levels.
Cuz I feel like because of the pandemic,because of Covid, I certainly have been
like reevaluating a lot of my prioritiesand values and then I've also gotten a lot
(17:51):
more vocal about my priorities and values.
So I'm like I mentioned before in thebeginning of this podcast, I am I learning
how to reestablish relationships andfriendships with people and not just
reestablish them as in like reconnecting.
It's also like building a deeperfoundation because you know, when I, what
(18:14):
I talked about in the beginning of thepodcast, like, oh, when you make friends
in college or when you make friendsat school, or maybe your neighborhood
friends, they are our friends, notbecause we've also known them for a long
time, but I feel like they are friends.
And like that friendship relationshipdeveloped because of circumstance, right?
(18:34):
Like they, it was developed out ofcircumstance because we were close to
each other or we were in the same class aseach other, or we played the same sport.
And now, and as a, as an adult,Where I have my own opinions,
ideas, values, perspectives, goalsin life, that circumstance doesn't
necessarily always apply anymore.
(18:55):
So I am reestablishing alot of these relationships.
Maybe my friends knowthis, maybe they don't.
So if you are listening to this, friendsnow, you know, but I, I'm learning
to reestablish this relationship andbuild more trust and openness with my
friends, which is really scary to me.
Because it's not just likecircumstantial friendships anymore.
(19:18):
These are now like, oh, I care about you.
I want you in my life.
I appreciate your opinions and you knowthe, the memories from the time that
we've shared, and I want to grow with you.
And that saying that to a friend is,I find more difficult than saying
(19:40):
that to a relationship partner.
And maybe it's because of the way thatsociety focuses on heterosexuality.
It doesn't allow for these typesof friendships and relationships to
build, because in a heteronormativesociety, everything has to lead to.
Relationships that are tobe married or to whatever.
(20:04):
And now I'm trying to expand it, atleast in my world, to something else.
So I'm really learning to accept andsupport my friends in, in new ways.
So a lot of the friendships thatI, I've realized that I still
maintain, have been built over time.
So I wanna share about the.
The Spanish friends that I've kind ofconnected with here, and specifically with
(20:30):
my partner Mario and his friend group.
So Mario and I have been together nowfor eight years, and actually one of
the, uh, first arguments that we hadwas in broken Spanish, broken English.
Ooh.
I don't even know how we had thisargument, to be honest, cuz it's like
we didn't really understand each other.
It was a, about friendsand like cultural norms.
(20:54):
So what happened was, uh, in our firstyear of dating, I didn't really speak
Spanish and every time that we hungout with his friends it was really
hard for me because I always feltexcluded from every conversation.
Cuz I just, like, I spoke Spanish enough,but I didn't speak Spanish enough to like
fully get into conversation with people.
What happened though was that I alwaysfelt like they were talking about like
(21:16):
their own things and you know, theywere kind of just talking about their
lies without really including me.
And finally, after eight years,I really feel like I am able to
build a relationship with them.
It took eight years, y'alllike, and of course like my,
my level of Spanish improved.
(21:37):
They got more comfortable with me.
We just kind of started growingit together and, I do feel like
because of those eight years,finally, like we're starting to make
progress in like our friendship.
Of course, they'll always be Mario'sfriends, but like, wow, I can
actually have conversations with them.
I can ask them questionsto get to know them better.
(21:58):
I have to understand also that there'sa part of me that they'll never know
because you know of language and cultureand just not like growing up with me
and what it's like, but there's also apart of them that I'll never know, but
we still have mutual respect, growth,and understanding for one another.
I feel like that is really coolbecause I, I honestly think back
(22:20):
to like the first year that Imet them, it was so hard for me.
I felt like so excluded and now like,I can hang out with them by myself.
Like we, we invite each other to stuff.
They ask me about like, how's life,how's work, how's things I ask them?
And like, we're just slowly,very slowly building this
(22:44):
new intentional relationship.
They probably have no idea aboutthis, but to me, I feel like this
is really significant to justmy, my network here in Spain.
Another one is not havingmany friends in Madrid.
So if you listened to episodefour of the I'm lost, so what?
(23:05):
Podcast, I talk about rest inpeace to the me I learned to love.
If you've ever lived abroad before andlike kind of lived in a metropolitan
city, You might have dealt withsomething similar where, you know, you
move into the city and then you meetlots of people, which is super fun.
But then when you start making likecloser relationships with people or
(23:27):
you know, getting to know somebodya little bit more, you feel like you
found like your bestie in this newcity, what happens is that, It becomes
almost like a, I don't know if transientis the correct word, but it becomes
a city where people come and go.
So sometimes people live for three tofive years, sometimes people live for two.
You meet people and then, and thenthey leave because they're either
(23:50):
going back home, they're going backto, they're a different country.
They are, you know, deciding, oh, youknow, I don't wanna stay here anymore.
And it's really sad because like,You just kind of stay in the city
and then all of your friends leave.
So if you've ever lived abroad, youmight know this feeling of like, is
(24:12):
it worth it to put all this effortinto this friendship and then half
of them leave and then you get sadbecause now you're alone again.
That's kind of what happened in Madrid.
I do have like some really closefriends, uh, who live in Madrid who
are also immigrants like me and we'vebeen able to maintain like different,
like our friendship over the years.
(24:34):
But gosh, it is hard when youmeet people when you're abroad.
You like put in time and effort tomake this friendship work and then.
You know, some people, they don'twanna stay in the city or they decide
to move somewhere else because of workor, you know, they are just kind of
coming and going and, and they leave.
And it is sad.
So sad.
(24:55):
Now living in Toledo, I feel like thisis where I feel I've really, really
been able to make, make friends and ithas really brought a sense of belonging
for me because I really feel proudof the relationships that I've built.
(25:16):
I've put in intentional work and.
It is a group of women all,not all Spanish women, some of
them are from Latin America.
We hang out, we talk about differentthings like we all come from,
of course, different cultures.
We come from differentexperiences and stuff.
But what I found really cool isthat we can come together and
(25:38):
like we just listen to each other.
We listen to each other and likewe try and understand each other
and we are there to support.
And that to me has been justamazing because I didn't have
that when I was living in Madrid.
I didn't have that when I was living inthe small towns in Spain and now here in
(25:59):
Toledo I do have that and some, somethingthat, um, a couple of my other friends
who also live abroad have told me is likewhen you find like, your friend group
abroad, it really makes a differencebecause like it really, wherever
you are living, it feels like home.
And I'm sure this applies to justif you move around or anything like
(26:19):
that, like when you find friends, itreally, really makes a difference.
And of course, I, you know, Marioand I are here together, but, you
know, can't always be with yourpartner and that's also not healthy.
We can talk about that in a, in adifferent episode about how Mario
and I figured out that we werecodependent on each other during Covid.
But I'll have to say that foranother episode cuz that gets
(26:40):
into a whole other thing.
But really having friends abroad, uh,really has helped me feel like home.
So how did I actually build this?
If you are moving abroad, if you liveabroad already, some places that I've.
F been able to make friends and buildcommunity is in Facebook groups.
I've actually played for a couple,uh, memberships, but you don't
(27:03):
have to pay for a membership.
There are, of course,other free memberships.
Facebook groups are reallyone of the best places.
Um, I've also found people on Instagram.
I love finding people on Instagramand kind of like connecting with them.
And then I've also used Bumble bff.
So most people might knowBumble for dating, but they also
have like a function for bff.
And I've used that and that's actually howI met all of my friends here in Toledo.
(27:24):
So how do I actually makefriends around the world?
It takes a lot of work, to be honest,and I actually spend a lot of money
and time to maintain the relationship.
So this means like I check in with peopleI send WhatsApps, I have phone calls,
and sometimes we compromise certainthings to make their friendship work.
(27:45):
Like something that Mario and Iactually talked about is we love
traveling to meet friends aroundthe world because it's so much fun.
Last summer, actually, we went toLondon to visit two of Mario's friends
from the small town that he's fromand that to me was like so much fun.
And then when I traveled with work,The Quirky Pineapple Studio, we
hosted a Stay Quirky west coast tourin February, 2023 and I was able to
(28:10):
meet up with like some of our friendsand like community members there.
So I do spend quite a bit of moneyand time to intentionally maintain
these relationships, not just forwork, but just because I love to, and
I feel like that has helped me have aglobal and international friend group.
(28:32):
Again, being a floater, multiplefriend groups and on the professional
side, it has helped The QuirkyPineapple Studio grow our network
to be global and international.
So we have, you know, communitymembers all over the world.
We have, uh, clients all over the world,and we work with people in English,
(28:52):
Spanish, Spanglish, and we work withpeople in the USA, in Canada, um, in
Europe, in Latin America, in Asia,in Australia and all of that stuff.
So, I do want to share that, a lot ofthese realizations that I've had about
adult friendships, I had conversa a lot ofconversations actually with my therapist.
(29:12):
I- my therapist, basically,how do I approach this?
Um, I, I was having some troubleand figuring, uh, with figuring out
like, okay, how do I make friends?
Like why do I feel so alone?
And if you listen to episode four of theRest in Peace to the Me I Learned to Love.
I talk a lot about how I onlywanted to have friends that were
(29:33):
in business because I was like,Small business owner all the way.
And then I realized, oh, uh, I need tolike develop other personal relationships
outside of just business stuff.
And my therapist actually helped meunderstand that as we get older, the
differentiation between acquaintances,friends, community, close friends, et
cetera, is actually bigger, and I don'tknow if this applies to everybody,
(29:56):
but this clearly helped me understandlike, oh, who are my acquaintances?
Who are my friends?
Who am I in community with?
Who is my inner circle close friend?
And how can I, you know,maintain that relationship?
And then also decide do I want todeepen that relationship intentionally?
And of course, my therapist, me beinga people pleaser, recovering one,
(30:18):
mind you, recovering people, pleaserover here- helped me figure out, oh,
I don't always need to deepen everyrela, every relationship that I have,
of course, people are in your lifefor certain reasons is what I believe.
And not everybody will move fromacquaintance, a friend to community
member to close friend, or a vice versa.
Or maybe people will go backwards,close, friend, community, friend,
(30:39):
acquaintance, and that's okay.
So something that she actuallyhelped me figure out was like, how
can I, in my mind, Ooh, in Spanishit's calificar but in English,
Ooh, I don't remember the word.
But how do I decide who is anacquaintance, friend, community,
or a close friend, I guess is likethe best way to describe this.
(30:59):
And I had to really definewhat friendship meant to me.
And I feel like if you are thinking,oh, a friend is like somebody that
you've always known for forever.
Like I actually had to sit down and likere- configure, redefine what friendship
is, and I feel like this is superimportant from a culturally competent
lens defining what friendship means,so then everybody's on the same page.
(31:21):
So this is my definition.
I think I still need to workon it a little bit, but.
For me, friendship is someone thatyou share a relationship with,
trust, companionship, joy, support,celebration, and being able to go
more deep than just surface level.
A friend to me is someone that youknow can be a trusted confidant,
and I'd love to know whatfriendship actually means to you.
So if you want to send me a message onInstagram @CassandraTLe and share your
(31:45):
friendship definition, that would beawesome because I would love to know if
there are things that I could includein my definition or maybe, you know, we
have different definitions of friendship.
I don't know.
But basically from defining whatfriendship means to me, I have now
reevaluated my friendships and howI'm making friends as an adult.
(32:05):
Um, I'm okay now with nothaving so many people.
Even though sometimes I feel lonely,but I'm okay with not having so many
people and I, I know that the peoplethat are within my network are people
I have to support me and vice versa.
And something that I've had tokind of sit with actually is
specifically because I live abroad.
(32:27):
And if you have moved away from yourhome, state, home, city, home, whatever.
I've had to sit with feeling okay withfeeling lonely and know that it's the
territory that comes with the lifestylethat I've chosen to live, and that has
been really, really actually kind oflike, hmm, I don't wanna say sad, but this
(32:48):
realization acceptance of like, oh, okay.
That's just how it is.
It's not good or bad, but it's justone of the feelings that come with.
The lifestyle that I have chosento live, that sometimes I will
feel lonely because I've decidedto move and because of that I.
Am able to float from friendgroup to friend group and it's
(33:12):
not necessarily bad or good.
Like I mentioned before,it's not actually sad.
It's actually pretty cool, uh, to realizethat I am a floater and I have lots of
people to connect with, which is amazing.
So all of that to say that I justwanna take a moment to shout out
and share gratitude to my friends.
(33:33):
I don't even know if they listen to thispodcast, uh, to be honest, if you are
listening to this podcast, though, Ireally hope that you know who you are.
I just wanna say thank you for,well, I might get teary eyed, oh, no.
Um, thank you.
Thank you for watching me grow,calling me in, supporting me,
and sharing moments with me.
(33:54):
Thank you for being there.
Thanks for being open and sharing,and thanks for also allowing me to
be part of your life to support,celebrate, and grow with you.
Um, I have friends all over the worldin various languages, and I just
wanna say thank you for choosingto maintain and like reestablish
and grow this relationship.
(34:17):
It's like, you know, somethingthat we talked about in the
beginning of the podcast.
It's hard making friends as anadult, and it's hard maintaining
those friendships as an adult andalso deepening those friendships.
Like, I don't want shallow stuff anymore.
I want like, real, real good, deepfriendships, relationships, and, maybe my
(34:40):
friends might not realize or have knownthat we're going through this thing, but
I'm certainly going through this thing.
I just wanna say thank you, uh,for, for going on this adventure
with me, floating with me.
So here are.
Three questions to wrap up thisepisode and maybe some action steps
for you if you want to have deeperrelationships with your friends.
(35:02):
I feel like I need to do thisepisode again with a friend so
that there's like some dialogue andconversation around here and not just
me sharing about my relationship.
I don't know if they feel the sameway, but that's okay if they don't.
I, I appreciate their friendship andrelationship and what we've gone through.
So anyways, three questions and someaction steps for you if you want to
consider deepening friendships or maybeexploring this concept a little bit more.
(35:26):
Uh, number one, define whatfriendship means to you.
Number two, if you have someonethat you want to reconnect with,
I challenge you to write to them.
I know it sounds like super lazyor it's not super lazy, but like
I sometimes feel lazy to even dothis, but I challenge you to do it.
And number three, here are some funprompts for deeper conversations if you
want to take it there with your friends:
(35:48):
number one, some of the fun prompts.
I have three of them.
So first prompt, what were some of thebiggest challenges you faced last year?
Number two, what is one thingyou wish I knew about you?
Number three.
What is one thing we cancelebrate together either for us?
Or for you.
So let me repeat the three questionsand action steps in general and
(36:08):
then some of the fun prompts if youwant to ask them with your friends.
Number one, define whatfriendship means to you.
Number two, uh, if there's someoneyou want to reconnect with, I
challenge you to write to them.
And number three, some fun promptsfor a deeper conversation if you
wanna take it there with your friends.
Is, what were some of the biggestchallenges you faced last year?
What is one thing you wish Iknew about you and what is one
(36:30):
thing we can celebrate together?
Either for us both or for you?
You wanna take this with yourpartner if you have a, if you're
in a relationship, feel free.
Uh, Mario and I just actually didthis exercise and it was really nice.
We got to talk about things that like wedon't normally talk about and actually
make space for this, which I thoughtwas like really, really heartening.
So that's all I've got for this episode.
(36:52):
Y'all like, Making friends as an adultstill don't really know how to do it.
If you know the secret, let me know.
Send me a message on Instagram@CassandraTLe, but for all the other
floaters out there, I feel you.
I see you.
Maybe we will meet one day.
In another country, in your country,in your city, or wherever else.
I will catch you in the next episode.
(37:13):
Stay fierce, fam.
If you're hearing this message, that meansyou made it to the end of this episode.
Yay.
Thanks for listening.
If you enjoyed this episode and thoughtto yourself, whoa, it to me, I'd love
if you could share this with others.
Post about it on social media,and or leave a rating in review.
Don't forget to subscribe to.
(37:33):
Wanna hang out with me inother areas of the internet?
You can follow me on Instagram@CassandraTLe for brand message and
content marketing tips and resources.
Check out my business@TheQuirkyPineappleStudio.
Thanks again and seeyou in the next episode.
Stay fierce, fam.
And know that it's the territory thatcomes with the lifestyle that I've
chosen to live, and that has beenreally, really actually kind of like,
hmm, I don't wanna say sad, but thisrealization acceptance of like, oh, okay.
That's just how it is.
It's not good or bad, but it's justone of the feelings that come with.
(00:22):
The lifestyle that I have chosen to live.
Hello?
Hello everyone.
I'm Cassandra Le and you'relistening to I'm Lost.
So what the podcast exploring betweenbelonging and carving your own path
for all the peeps out there who kindof know what you're doing, but still
question what the fuck is going on?
Yeah, I'm with ya.
(00:42):
Hello.
Hello and welcome back to the I'm Lost.
So what podcast?
This is your host, Cassandra Le, andtoday we are talking all about making
friends as an adult and not just as anadult, but this is for all my people out
there who are also adults living abroad.
(01:04):
So whether that means that you arean expat, whether that means you
are an immigrant, whether that meanslike you decided to move abroad for
a little bit, if you are locationindependent or a digital nomad.
Hello, hello you're my people.
This episode is for us really.
And even if you haven't moved arounda lot, this episode is for you too.
(01:27):
Of course.
But I'm gonna be talking specificallyabout what it's like to make friends
abroad and also what it's like tomake friends abroad as an adult,
which is like a whole other thing.
Honestly, like if somebody had told mehow difficult it would be to make friends
as an adult and then add on the layer.
Of making friends as anadult while living abroad.
(01:50):
Like, damn y'all.
Damn.
Anyways, let's just get intoit because honestly I am.
Oh my gosh, I was about to say I'm 30.
That's a lie.
I'm 31 now.
Um, but nobody told me how difficult itis to actually make friends as an adult.
It's hard.
I don't know if it's like, hard isthe correct word, but I honestly
(02:11):
feel like it is more complicatedthan I realized because literally
everybody has like their own lives.
I mean, yeah.
You know, I just said that out loudand I'm like, well, duh of course
everybody has their own lives.
Um, But yeah, but it waslike a realization that I
didn't, that I did not know.
So making friends as an adult isreally not like high school or college
(02:33):
because I feel like when I was in highschool, when I was in college, we had
like this bubble that it, where itwas like easy to connect with people
because we joined clubs, we joinedactivities, we had things to do and like
it was an environment to make friends.
And now that I am an adult, I feel likemy priorities and values have changed
and that has caused me to one reestablishrelationships that I've had with
(02:56):
connections and current people in my life.
And then also, To decide andreevaluate, oh, do I want to have
this relationship in my life?
And it's also given me kind of likethis new perspective to be more
intentional with the time and connectionsthat I do have to make sure that
like the people that I'm building arelationship actually understand me
(03:17):
and then I actually understand them.
And aside from that, I honestly feellike on a logistical standpoint,
making friends as an adult just becomesmore complicated because everybody,
like I said before, has their ownlives so everybody has like their own
schedule and finding time is hard.
I have found that finding timehere in Spain with my Spanish
(03:39):
friends is a little bit easier.
I don't know why.
And then finding time with friendsin the United States is a little bit
different because I come home and youknow, I tell people ahead of time,
but it's like I have to plan two tothree weeks ahead of time to hang
out with people in the United States.
So I don't know ifthat's a cultural thing.
But anyways, going into this, I didwanna talk about something, this
concept that I have been brewing onin my brain about being a floater.
(04:03):
So I keep saying that I am a floater,and this is funny because I'm
actually laughing at my own joke.
Um, because I had a, I gave a speechin Montreal, Canada at the seven and
seven Digital Nomad Conference whereI talked about being a multicultural
human and who am I as a multiculturalhuman, as well as not just being a
(04:26):
multicultural human, but being a floater.
So what is a floater.
Sounds like a piece of poop.
But let me, before I get ahead ofmyself in talking about floating pieces
of poop, that is very, very visceral.
Being a floater in my terms, is somebodywho kind of like, I don't wanna use the
word float to describe the word floaters.
Let me, let me backtrack that.
Okay.
(04:46):
Being a floater, For me is somebody whooccupies and lives in the in-between.
Back to this podcast.
I'm lost, so what?
So it is a person who has multiple friendgroups and they are people who don't
just have like one core friend group.
They have multiple that theyhang out with, and the different
(05:07):
friend groups that they hang outwith might not know each other.
So they're the ones thatare kind of floating.
Like let's say for example, me, Iconsider myself a floater because
I have multiple friend groups.
The multiple friend groups that Ihave can be people from high school,
people from college, multiple groups incollege, multiple groups here in Spain.
(05:27):
Multiple groups from like myfriends who are digital nomads
or location independent.
They don't actually know eachother and they wouldn't necessarily
hang out with each other.
So what happens is I am the floater and Ikind of like bounce from group to group.
That's what I consider being afloater in this term, in like
the friendship realm that we'retalking about in the podcast today.
(05:48):
So if you are a floater too, holla,well, you can't because it's a
podcast though, like you're listening.
So send me a message onInstagram at @CassandraTLe.
Let me know if you are also a floater.
And something about being a floateris that it's really cool because I get
to hang out with like all of my otherdifferent friends and I can like kind
of do different activities based on thefriend group that I decide to hang out.
(06:09):
But I've always envied the people whohave had one group that they always
hang out with, and I always feel likethat, like this, envy when I think to
myself, oh, who can I text today tobe like, Hey, you wanna grab a pizza?
But I can't because then I'm like, whoa,do I wanna hang out with this group?
Or do I wanna hang out with this group?
Like what's the vibethat I'm going for today?
(06:31):
And then I always felt like,Ugh, this is sad because like
I want one core friend group.
I don't know if my sisterlistens to my podcast, but.
One of my sisters actually haslike a core group of friends
that she always hangs out with.
And you know, they do girls' nights, theydo trips together, they hang out and do
brunch, and then they have like anothergroup that they always hang out with too.
(06:54):
And yeah, some people have comein and out of that group, but it's
usually just like this core groupand I'm like, oh, I want that.
Like I want one group to hang out withhim and be like, Hey, I'm downstairs, come
outside when I have like multiple groups.
And yeah, the grass is alwaysgreen on the other side.
Right?
But I also feel like, yay.
(07:15):
I am really grateful to have othergroups because I do feel like when I
have multiple groups of friends to hangout with, it taps into different parts
of my identity and different partsof the experiences that I have had.
So I get to be the multicultural,multi-layered person that I am, depending
(07:36):
on the group that I'm hanging out with.
So for example, in college I hungout with friends on my dance team.
I hung out with dance friends in general.
Then I hung out with friendsthat were in my major, my
hospitality management friends.
Then I had just like myregular good friends.
Then I had food friends, et cetera.
And all of those different groups,like didn't really know each other.
(07:59):
Maybe they like knew of each other.
But of course I was the floater andthe, I was the one like going around,
hanging out with each group on my own.
And yes, I still envy like having acore group, but I think what's really
cool is that all of those groupsrepresented different parts of me and
it really allowed like different partsof my personality, different parts
(08:19):
of my identity to develop becauseI was able to have conversations
about lots of different things.
So yay to being a floater.
If you are also a floater,Hey, hey, if you are not a
floater, Well, that's okay too.
I envy your core group of friends.
So I, I do think that it is kind ofcool to not have one group of friends
(08:40):
and I, I've always been like this,like since I was really young, but it
really manifested itself to look likenow that I am living abroad in Spain.
It manifested itself to look likehaving friends all over the world,
spanning all age ranges, andbuilding like a huge community.
So yay to being a floater andhaving friends all over the world.
(09:03):
And now I can visit peopleand run to people all over.
I've run into people or visitedpeople around Europe, around the USA
in Canada, south America, et cetera.
And.
It's kind of cool.
Side note, funny story.
When I was in college, I alwayswanted to have a kindness army, like
a kindness army all over the world todo random acts of kindness together
(09:23):
and also to like, if I wanted totravel there, they could host me.
If they wanted to come here, Icould host them, and I kind of did.
Built that by being a floater.
So yay to being a floater, uh,and just making friends all over.
So why is it so difficult to makefriends as an adult and living abroad?
So I feel like there are layers to this.
(09:47):
So I'm gonna go through this and talkmore about like my experience and the
different layers, but then also kind oftalk about the shift that I had within
my own identity and how that impactedmy friendships and relationships.
And then also how I ended up reallybuilding community and being okay with not
necessarily having one core friend group.
(10:09):
So I really feel like there are.
Layers to having friends abroad and alsolayers to just making friends as an adult.
One being an adult, everybody's busy.
They, we all have our own lives.
And then living abroad of course,again, adds another layer to it because
now I have friends from home and thenfriends abroad, and then friends when
I've traveled and all of this stuff.
(10:29):
I feel like culture also adds to itbecause like now that I live in a
different country, I feel like my.
Perception, my priorities, my ideasof what friendship is has changed.
And also like the, howwould I say this in Spanish?
It's like intimacy, I guessis maybe not the best word.
(10:50):
Um, but the idea of, okay, how, whatdoes that like relationship look like?
How close are we?
And then of course, uh, because Ilive in a Spanish speaking country,
language is also another layer to it.
And now that my Spanish has improved, Ithink I've had a lot more opportunity to
make friends who are Spanish or Spanishspeaking because we now share a language,
(11:13):
and that has definitely made it easier.
I feel like when I wasn't reallyfluent in Spanish, it ended up
being really difficult because Icouldn't really express myself.
They couldn't really understand me,and it was just like this whole barrier
literally that we couldn't get acrossbecause nobody understood each other.
And then just as well, not just because ofthese layers, I think things also shifted.
(11:38):
When I turned 30, I realizedthat I didn't wanna have shallow
conversations with people anymore.
And I feel like this also ended upbeing because of Covid and the pandemic.
And of course when, you know, we wereall locked inside and like we were.
Keeping up with people and justlike messaging people and kind
of like checking in on them.
I realized like, huh, my prioritieshave shifted, not just about like
(12:00):
life in general and work identityand all of those things -health.
I'd also shifted relating to therelationships that I want to you have,
like, I didn't wanna have shallowconversations with people anymore.
I felt like, you know, I wanna,I wanna just get into it.
I wanna, I, I'm tiredof being surface level.
I want deeper conversationsand connections.
(12:21):
So basically I decided I'm gonnaput in the work to maintain
relationships and feel closer topeople and have like real intention.
Which is kind of scary because you knowwhen you are friends with somebody, if
you've known them for a long time, I feellike, you know, you've fall into this.
Yeah.
We're friends, like we, of coursewe talk about like, everything.
I, I tell them about this and I tellthem about that and like, we come
(12:41):
to each other when we have problems.
But I was like, no, no.
I wanna, I really wanna get to like,know you, you, I wanna get to know
what scares you and like have thesereally difficult conversations.
I really feel like it's because of thepriorities around one entering like a new
decade in my life, and then also becauseof covid and pandemic and like not being
(13:03):
around people for a while and for a while.
I mean like literallytwo-ish, three years.
It really made me think about,hmm, you know, I don't wanna
just talk about the weather.
Or catch up about whathas happened in your life.
I would love to have deeperconversations about like, well, what
shifted for you during the pandemic?
What shifted for you during Covid?
(13:24):
Like what were some ofyour own realizations?
So because of this shift, I feel likesome of my friendships kind of just
disappeared and it's a little bitdisappointing cuz I don't know if you've
ever had like a friendship breakup andy'all, I mean, breakups, relationship
breakups are difficult and like, youknow, breakups in general are difficult,
but like friendship breakups, my gosh.
(13:45):
Like they really, oh, theymake me feel some type of way.
I feel like my heart and like souljust drops because it is so painful.
And that's kind of what happened.
Not necessarily full on breakups, but Ihad a couple of friendship just kind of
disappear within the past couple years.
And I feel like it's becausepriorities and values have changed.
I was okay with lettinggo of the friendship.
(14:07):
They were probably okay with lettinggo of the friendship because you
know, we just kind of lost touch and.
I feel like as an adult now,uh, Ooh., Saying that's funny.
As an adult now, I, Istill think about them.
I feel like there aren't any hardfeelings, but I also realize like, oh,
it's just not going the same place andwe're just not making time for each other.
(14:30):
And this reminds me of somethingthat my mom told me when I was 14,
maybe 15 when I was in high school.
And I wanted like lots of friendsand to be super popular, as does one
want in the United States becauseof course popularity in high school
is very, very, very important.
My mom always told me, you really want asmaller inner circle of friends instead
of like a huge group of people becausethose are the ones that are gonna stick
(14:51):
by you, and those are the ones that arereally gonna be there when you need them.
And to be there foryour support, of course.
At 13 or 14, 15, whatever, I probablylike agreed and said, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Mom, uh, didn't reallytake it into account.
And now I'm like, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Mom, I don't know if mom, mamaLe listens to this podcast,
but you were right, mother.
(15:12):
You were right.
So, how do you actuallymake friends as an adult?
Like if you're listening to this podcastand you're like, oh, she's gonna about,
like, Cassandra's gonna about to tellme how to make friends as an adult.
Um, I'm sorry.
I don't actually know how to do that yet.
I am experimenting with how to dothat and here is what I am finding.
So I'm finding different activitiesto partake in here in Spain, and then
(15:36):
also finding different interests.
So I'm kind of exploring new hobbiesand then I am also understanding that,
okay, because I live abroad, I don'tnecessarily always fit into the culture
and I'm kind of just being, findingacceptance basically, and acknowledging
that there will always be some sortof friction there, but I don't have
(15:57):
to kind of like make it a big deal.
I can kind of push through and stillfind different ways to connect.
So the rest of this, if you're like,oh, she's not gonna tell me how
to make friends as an adult, um,you can turn off this podcast now.
I'm sorry I'm not, cuzI don't really know.
I'm still figuring it out.
But if you are interested in kind oflearning about how I kind of made a
(16:22):
couple friends built community and allof that stuff, and keep on listening.
So some of the adult friendships thatI have here's the thing, because one,
being a floater, like I mentionedbefore, I have friend groups all over.
So that means that most of the time,like my closest friends, that inner
circle that I had talked about orthat my mom told me about, and now
(16:45):
that I have, they're not always here.
Like I am not always around them,which makes it really difficult
because sometimes I'm like, oh, Idon't have anybody to grab a pizza
with and like talk about stuff.
And sometimes I want to talkto this friend group about
it, but they don't live here.
Now we have like a time zone differenceand that has been kind of like this
(17:07):
friction that I've been feeling.
But I also understand that, you know,my, my friends are all over and.
How do I go into this?
My friends are all over.
Uh, we have like our past circumstancesand situations that have brought us here,
(17:28):
but I feel like over the past coupleyears, and I really do think like Covid
and the pandemic kind of influenced this,we've been learning to accept and support
one another on totally different levels.
Cuz I feel like because of the pandemic,because of Covid, I certainly have been
like reevaluating a lot of my prioritiesand values and then I've also gotten a lot
(17:51):
more vocal about my priorities and values.
So I'm like I mentioned before in thebeginning of this podcast, I am I learning
how to reestablish relationships andfriendships with people and not just
reestablish them as in like reconnecting.
It's also like building a deeperfoundation because you know, when I, what
(18:14):
I talked about in the beginning of thepodcast, like, oh, when you make friends
in college or when you make friendsat school, or maybe your neighborhood
friends, they are our friends, notbecause we've also known them for a long
time, but I feel like they are friends.
And like that friendship relationshipdeveloped because of circumstance, right?
(18:34):
Like they, it was developed out ofcircumstance because we were close to
each other or we were in the same class aseach other, or we played the same sport.
And now, and as a, as an adult,Where I have my own opinions,
ideas, values, perspectives, goalsin life, that circumstance doesn't
necessarily always apply anymore.
(18:55):
So I am reestablishing alot of these relationships.
Maybe my friends knowthis, maybe they don't.
So if you are listening to this, friendsnow, you know, but I, I'm learning
to reestablish this relationship andbuild more trust and openness with my
friends, which is really scary to me.
Because it's not just likecircumstantial friendships anymore.
(19:18):
These are now like, oh, I care about you.
I want you in my life.
I appreciate your opinions and you knowthe, the memories from the time that
we've shared, and I want to grow with you.
And that saying that to a friend is,I find more difficult than saying
(19:40):
that to a relationship partner.
And maybe it's because of the way thatsociety focuses on heterosexuality.
It doesn't allow for these typesof friendships and relationships to
build, because in a heteronormativesociety, everything has to lead to.
Relationships that are tobe married or to whatever.
(20:04):
And now I'm trying to expand it, atleast in my world, to something else.
So I'm really learning to accept andsupport my friends in, in new ways.
So a lot of the friendships thatI, I've realized that I still
maintain, have been built over time.
So I wanna share about the.
The Spanish friends that I've kind ofconnected with here, and specifically with
(20:30):
my partner Mario and his friend group.
So Mario and I have been together nowfor eight years, and actually one of
the, uh, first arguments that we hadwas in broken Spanish, broken English.
Ooh.
I don't even know how we had thisargument, to be honest, cuz it's like
we didn't really understand each other.
It was a, about friendsand like cultural norms.
(20:54):
So what happened was, uh, in our firstyear of dating, I didn't really speak
Spanish and every time that we hungout with his friends it was really
hard for me because I always feltexcluded from every conversation.
Cuz I just, like, I spoke Spanish enough,but I didn't speak Spanish enough to like
fully get into conversation with people.
What happened though was that I alwaysfelt like they were talking about like
(21:16):
their own things and you know, theywere kind of just talking about their
lies without really including me.
And finally, after eight years,I really feel like I am able to
build a relationship with them.
It took eight years, y'alllike, and of course like my,
my level of Spanish improved.
(21:37):
They got more comfortable with me.
We just kind of started growingit together and, I do feel like
because of those eight years,finally, like we're starting to make
progress in like our friendship.
Of course, they'll always be Mario'sfriends, but like, wow, I can
actually have conversations with them.
I can ask them questionsto get to know them better.
(21:58):
I have to understand also that there'sa part of me that they'll never know
because you know of language and cultureand just not like growing up with me
and what it's like, but there's also apart of them that I'll never know, but
we still have mutual respect, growth,and understanding for one another.
I feel like that is really coolbecause I, I honestly think back
(22:20):
to like the first year that Imet them, it was so hard for me.
I felt like so excluded and now like,I can hang out with them by myself.
Like we, we invite each other to stuff.
They ask me about like, how's life,how's work, how's things I ask them?
And like, we're just slowly,very slowly building this
(22:44):
new intentional relationship.
They probably have no idea aboutthis, but to me, I feel like this
is really significant to justmy, my network here in Spain.
Another one is not havingmany friends in Madrid.
So if you listened to episodefour of the I'm lost, so what?
(23:05):
Podcast, I talk about rest inpeace to the me I learned to love.
If you've ever lived abroad before andlike kind of lived in a metropolitan
city, You might have dealt withsomething similar where, you know, you
move into the city and then you meetlots of people, which is super fun.
But then when you start making likecloser relationships with people or
(23:27):
you know, getting to know somebodya little bit more, you feel like you
found like your bestie in this newcity, what happens is that, It becomes
almost like a, I don't know if transientis the correct word, but it becomes
a city where people come and go.
So sometimes people live for three tofive years, sometimes people live for two.
You meet people and then, and thenthey leave because they're either
(23:50):
going back home, they're going backto, they're a different country.
They are, you know, deciding, oh, youknow, I don't wanna stay here anymore.
And it's really sad because like,You just kind of stay in the city
and then all of your friends leave.
So if you've ever lived abroad, youmight know this feeling of like, is
(24:12):
it worth it to put all this effortinto this friendship and then half
of them leave and then you get sadbecause now you're alone again.
That's kind of what happened in Madrid.
I do have like some really closefriends, uh, who live in Madrid who
are also immigrants like me and we'vebeen able to maintain like different,
like our friendship over the years.
(24:34):
But gosh, it is hard when youmeet people when you're abroad.
You like put in time and effort tomake this friendship work and then.
You know, some people, they don'twanna stay in the city or they decide
to move somewhere else because of workor, you know, they are just kind of
coming and going and, and they leave.
And it is sad.
So sad.
(24:55):
Now living in Toledo, I feel like thisis where I feel I've really, really
been able to make, make friends and ithas really brought a sense of belonging
for me because I really feel proudof the relationships that I've built.
(25:16):
I've put in intentional work and.
It is a group of women all,not all Spanish women, some of
them are from Latin America.
We hang out, we talk about differentthings like we all come from,
of course, different cultures.
We come from differentexperiences and stuff.
But what I found really cool isthat we can come together and
(25:38):
like we just listen to each other.
We listen to each other and likewe try and understand each other
and we are there to support.
And that to me has been justamazing because I didn't have
that when I was living in Madrid.
I didn't have that when I was living inthe small towns in Spain and now here in
(25:59):
Toledo I do have that and some, somethingthat, um, a couple of my other friends
who also live abroad have told me is likewhen you find like, your friend group
abroad, it really makes a differencebecause like it really, wherever
you are living, it feels like home.
And I'm sure this applies to justif you move around or anything like
(26:19):
that, like when you find friends, itreally, really makes a difference.
And of course, I, you know, Marioand I are here together, but, you
know, can't always be with yourpartner and that's also not healthy.
We can talk about that in a, in adifferent episode about how Mario
and I figured out that we werecodependent on each other during Covid.
But I'll have to say that foranother episode cuz that gets
(26:40):
into a whole other thing.
But really having friends abroad, uh,really has helped me feel like home.
So how did I actually build this?
If you are moving abroad, if you liveabroad already, some places that I've.
F been able to make friends and buildcommunity is in Facebook groups.
I've actually played for a couple,uh, memberships, but you don't
(27:03):
have to pay for a membership.
There are, of course,other free memberships.
Facebook groups are reallyone of the best places.
Um, I've also found people on Instagram.
I love finding people on Instagramand kind of like connecting with them.
And then I've also used Bumble bff.
So most people might knowBumble for dating, but they also
have like a function for bff.
And I've used that and that's actually howI met all of my friends here in Toledo.
(27:24):
So how do I actually makefriends around the world?
It takes a lot of work, to be honest,and I actually spend a lot of money
and time to maintain the relationship.
So this means like I check in with peopleI send WhatsApps, I have phone calls,
and sometimes we compromise certainthings to make their friendship work.
(27:45):
Like something that Mario and Iactually talked about is we love
traveling to meet friends aroundthe world because it's so much fun.
Last summer, actually, we went toLondon to visit two of Mario's friends
from the small town that he's fromand that to me was like so much fun.
And then when I traveled with work,The Quirky Pineapple Studio, we
hosted a Stay Quirky west coast tourin February, 2023 and I was able to
(28:10):
meet up with like some of our friendsand like community members there.
So I do spend quite a bit of moneyand time to intentionally maintain
these relationships, not just forwork, but just because I love to, and
I feel like that has helped me have aglobal and international friend group.
(28:32):
Again, being a floater, multiplefriend groups and on the professional
side, it has helped The QuirkyPineapple Studio grow our network
to be global and international.
So we have, you know, communitymembers all over the world.
We have, uh, clients all over the world,and we work with people in English,
(28:52):
Spanish, Spanglish, and we work withpeople in the USA, in Canada, um, in
Europe, in Latin America, in Asia,in Australia and all of that stuff.
So, I do want to share that, a lot ofthese realizations that I've had about
adult friendships, I had conversa a lot ofconversations actually with my therapist.
(29:12):
I- my therapist, basically,how do I approach this?
Um, I, I was having some troubleand figuring, uh, with figuring out
like, okay, how do I make friends?
Like why do I feel so alone?
And if you listen to episode four of theRest in Peace to the Me I Learned to Love.
I talk a lot about how I onlywanted to have friends that were
(29:33):
in business because I was like,Small business owner all the way.
And then I realized, oh, uh, I need tolike develop other personal relationships
outside of just business stuff.
And my therapist actually helped meunderstand that as we get older, the
differentiation between acquaintances,friends, community, close friends, et
cetera, is actually bigger, and I don'tknow if this applies to everybody,
(29:56):
but this clearly helped me understandlike, oh, who are my acquaintances?
Who are my friends?
Who am I in community with?
Who is my inner circle close friend?
And how can I, you know,maintain that relationship?
And then also decide do I want todeepen that relationship intentionally?
And of course, my therapist, me beinga people pleaser, recovering one,
(30:18):
mind you, recovering people, pleaserover here- helped me figure out, oh,
I don't always need to deepen everyrela, every relationship that I have,
of course, people are in your lifefor certain reasons is what I believe.
And not everybody will move fromacquaintance, a friend to community
member to close friend, or a vice versa.
Or maybe people will go backwards,close, friend, community, friend,
(30:39):
acquaintance, and that's okay.
So something that she actuallyhelped me figure out was like, how
can I, in my mind, Ooh, in Spanishit's calificar but in English,
Ooh, I don't remember the word.
But how do I decide who is anacquaintance, friend, community,
or a close friend, I guess is likethe best way to describe this.
(30:59):
And I had to really definewhat friendship meant to me.
And I feel like if you are thinking,oh, a friend is like somebody that
you've always known for forever.
Like I actually had to sit down and likere- configure, redefine what friendship
is, and I feel like this is superimportant from a culturally competent
lens defining what friendship means,so then everybody's on the same page.
(31:21):
So this is my definition.
I think I still need to workon it a little bit, but.
For me, friendship is someone thatyou share a relationship with,
trust, companionship, joy, support,celebration, and being able to go
more deep than just surface level.
A friend to me is someone that youknow can be a trusted confidant,
and I'd love to know whatfriendship actually means to you.
So if you want to send me a message onInstagram @CassandraTLe and share your
(31:45):
friendship definition, that would beawesome because I would love to know if
there are things that I could includein my definition or maybe, you know, we
have different definitions of friendship.
I don't know.
But basically from defining whatfriendship means to me, I have now
reevaluated my friendships and howI'm making friends as an adult.
(32:05):
Um, I'm okay now with nothaving so many people.
Even though sometimes I feel lonely,but I'm okay with not having so many
people and I, I know that the peoplethat are within my network are people
I have to support me and vice versa.
And something that I've had tokind of sit with actually is
specifically because I live abroad.
(32:27):
And if you have moved away from yourhome, state, home, city, home, whatever.
I've had to sit with feeling okay withfeeling lonely and know that it's the
territory that comes with the lifestylethat I've chosen to live, and that has
been really, really actually kind oflike, hmm, I don't wanna say sad, but this
(32:48):
realization acceptance of like, oh, okay.
That's just how it is.
It's not good or bad, but it's justone of the feelings that come with.
The lifestyle that I have chosento live, that sometimes I will
feel lonely because I've decidedto move and because of that I.
Am able to float from friendgroup to friend group and it's
(33:12):
not necessarily bad or good.
Like I mentioned before,it's not actually sad.
It's actually pretty cool, uh, to realizethat I am a floater and I have lots of
people to connect with, which is amazing.
So all of that to say that I justwanna take a moment to shout out
and share gratitude to my friends.
(33:33):
I don't even know if they listen to thispodcast, uh, to be honest, if you are
listening to this podcast, though, Ireally hope that you know who you are.
I just wanna say thank you for,well, I might get teary eyed, oh, no.
Um, thank you.
Thank you for watching me grow,calling me in, supporting me,
and sharing moments with me.
(33:54):
Thank you for being there.
Thanks for being open and sharing,and thanks for also allowing me to
be part of your life to support,celebrate, and grow with you.
Um, I have friends all over the worldin various languages, and I just
wanna say thank you for choosingto maintain and like reestablish
and grow this relationship.
(34:17):
It's like, you know, somethingthat we talked about in the
beginning of the podcast.
It's hard making friends as anadult, and it's hard maintaining
those friendships as an adult andalso deepening those friendships.
Like, I don't want shallow stuff anymore.
I want like, real, real good, deepfriendships, relationships, and, maybe my
(34:40):
friends might not realize or have knownthat we're going through this thing, but
I'm certainly going through this thing.
I just wanna say thank you, uh,for, for going on this adventure
with me, floating with me.
So here are.
Three questions to wrap up thisepisode and maybe some action steps
for you if you want to have deeperrelationships with your friends.
(35:02):
I feel like I need to do thisepisode again with a friend so
that there's like some dialogue andconversation around here and not just
me sharing about my relationship.
I don't know if they feel the sameway, but that's okay if they don't.
I, I appreciate their friendship andrelationship and what we've gone through.
So anyways, three questions and someaction steps for you if you want to
consider deepening friendships or maybeexploring this concept a little bit more.
(35:26):
Uh, number one, define whatfriendship means to you.
Number two, if you have someonethat you want to reconnect with,
I challenge you to write to them.
I know it sounds like super lazyor it's not super lazy, but like
I sometimes feel lazy to even dothis, but I challenge you to do it.
And number three, here are some funprompts for deeper conversations if you
want to take it there with your friends:
(35:48):
number one, some of the fun prompts.
I have three of them.
So first prompt, what were some of thebiggest challenges you faced last year?
Number two, what is one thingyou wish I knew about you?
Number three.
What is one thing we cancelebrate together either for us?
Or for you.
So let me repeat the three questionsand action steps in general and
(36:08):
then some of the fun prompts if youwant to ask them with your friends.
Number one, define whatfriendship means to you.
Number two, uh, if there's someoneyou want to reconnect with, I
challenge you to write to them.
And number three, some fun promptsfor a deeper conversation if you
wanna take it there with your friends.
Is, what were some of the biggestchallenges you faced last year?
What is one thing you wish Iknew about you and what is one
(36:30):
thing we can celebrate together?
Either for us both or for you?
You wanna take this with yourpartner if you have a, if you're
in a relationship, feel free.
Uh, Mario and I just actually didthis exercise and it was really nice.
We got to talk about things that like wedon't normally talk about and actually
make space for this, which I thoughtwas like really, really heartening.
So that's all I've got for this episode.
(36:52):
Y'all like, Making friends as an adultstill don't really know how to do it.
If you know the secret, let me know.
Send me a message on Instagram@CassandraTLe, but for all the other
floaters out there, I feel you.
I see you.
Maybe we will meet one day.
In another country, in your country,in your city, or wherever else.
I will catch you in the next episode.
(37:13):
Stay fierce, fam.
If you're hearing this message, that meansyou made it to the end of this episode.
Yay.
Thanks for listening.
If you enjoyed this episode and thoughtto yourself, whoa, it to me, I'd love
if you could share this with others.
Post about it on social media,and or leave a rating in review.
Don't forget to subscribe to.
(37:33):
Wanna hang out with me inother areas of the internet?
You can follow me on Instagram@CassandraTLe for brand message and
content marketing tips and resources.
Check out my business@TheQuirkyPineappleStudio.
Thanks again and seeyou in the next episode.
Stay fierce, fam.
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