The Chronicles of Camille: A Vibrant Mosaic of Race, Gender, and Faith

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This week we're blessed with the presence of Camille Hernandez, a Black-Filipino, gender expansive woman who navigates her life as an author, poet, abolitionist, and mother. Camille bares her soul as she shares her journey from her upbringing in Orange County, encountering the dominant narrative of queerness through the eyes of a queer white male, to her eventual self-acceptance and her consequent return to her true self.

Our conversation spirals around the complexities of faith, gender identity, and race, and the transformative role of influential queer activists like Angela Davis in shaping her understanding of queerness. We navigate with her through her college years and her quarter-life crisis, all the way to her redemption and personal growth as she confronts her past prejudices. The story of Camille is a shining beacon of courage, honesty, and the beauty of individuality. You can also get Camille's book: The Hero and The Whore  here.

Tune in to this stirring episode of Life After Leaven as we explore the essence of finding our true selves and embracing the healing that comes along the journey.

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
From the other side of toxic Christianity.
I found myself faced with onequestion Now what this podcast
is about that question?
We have conversations withfolks who are asking, in
themselves, the same things.
We're picking up the pieces ofa fractured and fragmented faith
.
We're finding treasure in whatthe church called trash, beauty

(00:21):
and solidarity in people andplaces we were told to fear,
reject and dismiss.
I'm Tamee Spencer Helms andthis is Life After Leaven.
What's up everybody?
Welcome back to this episode ofLife After Leaven.
I'm your host, tamee SpencerHelms, and I'm joined this week
by my brand new friend, camilleHernandez.
I have Camille introduceherself to y'all and then we'll

(00:43):
jump into the episode.
So welcome, camille.

Speaker 2 (00:46):
Thank you so much.
Hi everyone, my name is CamilleHernandez.
I am a black in Filipino,gender expansive woman, author,
poet, abolitionist, mom, spouseall the things, all the things.

Speaker 1 (01:06):
Yeah, I'm excited to have you.
So we had a.
I had a DM from my friend,Sandy, who said that I should
definitely get you on becausethe season's getting ready to
wrap up and was like Idefinitely got to get you on for
the season in particular.
So tell me a little bit aboutyour experience with queerness,
gender expansiveness and kind ofwhat your story has been like.

Speaker 2 (01:28):
Yeah, there's different levels to it.
So, first and foremost, I grewup in Orange County, california,
so I am a black girl from thesuburbs which is very very same
and my first introduction toqueerness was very much like the

(01:48):
, what we would say is like thedominant narrative of like queer
, queer white male and I.
I don't know about you, but myexperience with queer white male
is that like there is this veryodd dependency on having like a
black woman to be thecornerstone of their identity.

Speaker 1 (02:12):
Say a little bit more .
Say a little bit more aboutthat, because a lot of people
are familiar with that.

Speaker 2 (02:16):
Yeah, like queer white males really meet, like in
their minds they either need tohave a sassy black woman friend
which is very much likesingular archetype, you know,
like there is it is like almostlike the queer version of a
mammy, I would say or they would, they like, adopt their
perception of what a black womanis, and then we'll take on

(02:41):
those traits whilesimultaneously being fun of
those traits.
And so I like it's veryinteresting to me because I
played into it- and.
I'm your sassy black friend.
Blah, blah blah, I'm gonna goopen the suburbs.
And then that was like, andthat introduction into queerness

(03:07):
was in high school.
I went to college at UC SantaCruz, which is like one of the
at the time was like one of thetop three safe spaces for
queerness.
On top of that, you know, I'mstudying under amazing queer
activists right, like you know,apricot Angela Davis.

Speaker 1 (03:28):
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait,
wait.
You took classes with AngelaDavis.

Speaker 2 (03:33):
Yes.

Speaker 1 (03:34):
She's amazing True.

Speaker 2 (03:36):
What's more important is to serve her coffee.
Because I worked at a coffeeshop and she knew my name.
But I was like I don't care ifI fail your class, I care that
you know my name.
And you looked at my name.

Speaker 1 (03:45):
Yo, I literally had a dream about Angela Davis this
morning.
That is so funny.

Speaker 2 (03:53):
I wish I could say I can share that with you, but I
don't have relationship with her, Of course, Definitely for a
faster intellectual.
And yeah, so my understandingof queerness expanded in college
beyond white male queerness,which is still like a dominant
narrative.
That's what I was used to, thatI floated towards.

(04:13):
But then I had my professorswho really challenged me and I
had friends who reallychallenged me.
I was in an African-Americantheater arch troupe and one of
the assistant directors is aqueer black feminist and she did

(04:33):
so much in helping meunderstand that there is so much
more depth and brevity toqueerness and at that time I was
suffocating so much of my ownracial identity and she was
helping me come in at forefrontand so I'm really grateful for

(04:54):
it.
And it was also the time when Iwas introduced to people who
were trans, specifically in theprocess of them transitioning
their gender, to becoming more,to becoming themselves really is
the journey of health and Iwish I could say that I was
totally open and I was an ally.

(05:17):
But at that time I was stuck inthe Black Missionary Baptist
Church, which is veryinteresting, and I do regret how
I acted with people who weretrans at that time and there
were we all.
So we all and yeah, so that waslike that's something that I a

(05:40):
journey that I've been workingtowards redeeming and have
really dived deeper into myselfto forgive myself for how I was
and also celebrate who I'mbecoming.
Yeah, and after college, I hadwhat we like to call a

(06:02):
quarter-life crisis Didn'treally know you.
So I went back to my suburb ofwhiteness and attended the White
Evangelical Church with myfriend who had spent almost a
decade there I think actually adecade there and there was this
push and pull of like, hey, Iactually don't think that

(06:24):
queerness is wrong, but I'maround people who say that it's
demon, demonic and something ofmy own belief.
Until, finally, I look like Ican't do this.
I can't be in this community ofpeople who have these very

(06:48):
harmful beliefs, and I wasn'teven pretending to be like them,
but I was suppressing myself,and that silence that I had was
still violence, mm.

Speaker 1 (06:58):
Ooh, the violence of silence.

Speaker 2 (07:01):
Yeah, damn.

Speaker 1 (07:03):
Yeah.

Speaker 2 (07:06):
I decided to do like an underground Bible study, like
folks who were also on theirjourney, their own current
history.
But it didn't last very longand then 2020 happened and I was
just like I can't these people.

(07:28):
I was a church and then Istarted returning back to my
true self, who was the womanthat I was in college, who was
more accepting, more loving,more kind.
But on top of returning to thattrue self, there was all of
this healing work that I wasdoing layered on top of it.

(07:51):
So it was like a returning back, but also like a bringing
forward.
And then the bringing forward.
I started growing into my ownjourney of queerness and then I
was like, oh, hey, yeah, this isreally important to me because
this is me.

Speaker 1 (08:09):
Yeah.

Speaker 2 (08:10):
I'm not like I don't have a magical coming out story.

Speaker 1 (08:14):
Thank, you for listening To pick your money and
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path for black students today.