September 3, 2023 • 43 mins
In Episode 2, I deep dive into the realm of infidelity. What is cheating, what kind of forms of cheating are there? And why is cheating on the rise? In this episode you will learn why people cheat and which red flags to watch out for to assess if your partner is cheating on you or not.
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Episode Transcript
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(00:15):
Welcome back everyone to my podcast,Red Flags, Green Flags, modern
psychology for everyday drama.
In this second episode of dating andrelationships, I want to talk to you
about a behavioral phenomenon thathappens regularly across relationships,
across cultures and countries, andhas been around since antiquity.
So many people in relationshipshave experienced some sort of
(00:38):
cheating or adultery in their lives.
When we think about cheating oradultery, we often only think
about physical cheating, secretlysleeping with another person without
your partner knowing about it.
But cheating doesn't onlyhave to be physical, it can
also happen in different ways.
Also, many people don't think about theconsequences of cheating, especially
(00:58):
the impact it has on people surroundingyourself or other people, um, and that
10 minutes of pleasure can have lastingnegative effects, which can ruin not
only your relationship, but also thelives of others and people around them.
Now in today's podcast, I will share somepersonal stories from my followers from
social media that have shared them withme today to kind of have this discussion
(01:19):
about how cheating actually impacts you.
Why do certain peoplecheat on other people?
And I'm also here to answer questions thatyou've had, um, about cheating in itself.
What is cheating, for example, has beenone of the questions that has come up.
And also I'll try to cover someof the startling statistics about
how many people actually cheat.
And if time permits, I'll also sharewith you who cheats more, men or women.
(01:41):
And also I'll explain why.
Everything you need toknow about cheating.
So grab a coffee or some tea, getcomfy and enjoy today's episode.
So let's start with the basics.
What is cheating?
Well, um, according to Webster'sDictionary, um, cheating is defined
or infidelity is defined as theact of having a romantic or sexual
(02:01):
relationship with someone other thanone's husband, wife, or partner.
Now, this doesn't only have toinclude having sex with someone,
but it can also include kissingor cuddling very intimately with
someone else who is not your partner.
If you are in a monogamous relationship,And you're being intimate with
someone in a non consensual way,then this is considered cheating.
(02:23):
What's also very interesting todiscuss about cheating is that not
everyone chooses to be in a traditionalmonogamous relationship nowadays.
People choose to be friends withbenefits or non exclusive, as a
lot of people like to call it, orwant to be in an open relationship.
And this is becoming extremely popular.
And how does that impactwhat cheating means?
With the rise of the internet and changingnorms about love and monogamy, um,
(02:48):
are making people consider alternativeforms of relationships, where culturally
possible, that are not as strict interms of being just with one person.
Ethical cheating, for example, has becomea new trend in modern relationships
where partners are open about whothey sleep with while choosing to
remain with their actual partner.
What does cheating mean when youare in a non exclusive relationship?
(03:09):
I think this is a reallyinteresting thing to think about.
And do we still consider it cheating whenwe're not in an exclusive relationship?
Or, are there situations that could happento which we could consider cheating even
if we are in non exclusive relationships?
These are questions that I thinkwe all need to think about.
But I don't really think that wethink about this on a daily basis.
(03:30):
Now let's get back towhat is cheating, right?
Again, as I mentioned in theintroduction, often we think that
cheating is just physical cheating.
Physical cheating is notthe only form of infidelity.
One of the most common forms ofcheating is emotional cheating.
And for some, emotional cheatingcan also be the most painful form.
(03:50):
of cheating.
Um, and I think if we go back to thatWebster's dictionary description, it
fails to define that emotional infidelity.
So what is it?
Emotional infidelity can happen when yourpartner develops a close emotional bond
with someone outside of your relationshipto an extent which undermines the trust
and intimacy you have with each other.
(04:12):
Developing feelings for someone elseor sharing intimate or personal stuff
with someone where you could have apotential romantic interest in, that could
also be considered emotional cheating.
What's interesting about emotional affairsis that it's not something that most
courts would even consider adultery.
So having a divorce on the basis ofhaving an emotional affair is not
that easy to do in many countries.
(04:34):
So that's something totake into consideration.
More people cheat emotionally thanthey actually cheat physically.
Now, I want to share a story with youfrom an anonymous follower that I have.
Who said the following, as amarried person, I get attached
to other people emotionally.
I've cheated emotionally.
No further explanation was providedin the DM that was sent to me.
(05:00):
So what's very interesting here,this person did mention that they
were in a long term marriage.
And so it can happen, right, that whenwe are together with someone for a
long time that we We'll not physicallycheat with them, but we can develop
feelings for people that we comeacross or, or engage with and maybe
have an emotional affair with them.
(05:20):
Um, and, and that can happen maybemultiple times across a marriage
or a long term relationship.
And most partners willnot talk about that.
Why?
Because there's no physical intimacy.
It doesn't feel like a bad thing to do.
And sometimes it caneven feel like an escape.
Not saying that it's a good thing todo, but a lot of people could consider
that as an alternative, actuallyphysically cheat on another person.
(05:44):
And again, this person's voice representsvoices of many other people that have told
me that I've had emotional affairs withother people around me, and I've never
told my significant other about that.
And when I ask them, howdoes it make you feel?
And then one way they say, well, Ineeded this, or I felt that I was
missing out on something, or I wasn'tgetting that attention from my partner,
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and I, but because, you know, I wantto stay true to my vows, and I don't
want to hurt them, that I don't wantto physically cheat on them, and so
therefore, having that emotional affairwith that other person kind of made
me feel that I could change myself.
Fulfill that one need that Iwas missing out on, but at the
same time, not hurt my partner.
So what's very interesting aboutemotional infidelity is that it happens
(06:30):
more than we actually think it does.
And at the same time, we often justkind of discount it, but it can be
extremely painful for both men andwomen who experience emotional cheating.
Now, with the rise of the internet, sothis is another form of cheating as well,
with the rise of the internet and socialmedia, and of course, dating apps, now,
digital infidelity or cyber cheatinghas now become a big thing as well.
(06:54):
So, what is this?
Now, before I get into the detailsof what this is, I want to share
another story with you, uh, fromsomeone who, uh, shared their
personal perspective of this question.
asking themselves, isthis really cheating?
Yes or no?
This person said, good afternoon, I have aquestion for you, for your podcast today.
If your partner is messaging with otherfemales, like liking their posts or
(07:18):
social media and hiding it from you,when, and when you intrude the phone to
get the confirmation of your suspicions,he accuses you of being indecent.
All of it is consideredcheating, isn't it, Dr.
Fenech?
In this case, I would have to say yes.
But where are the, where are the lines?
When is it cheating?
And when is it not cheating, for example?
(07:39):
And I think when it comes to this kind ofcyber cheating, it becomes very unclear.
So let's dive first intowhat is cyber cheating.
This kind of digital infidelity iswhen your partner engages in a cyber
relationship with someone or sends,for example, romantic or sexual
text messages or DMs to someoneoften who they don't know online.
Nowadays, it's so easy tosend someone a message.
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30, 40 years ago, if you wantedto meet someone, well, I mean, we
didn't have a mobile phone back then.
You'd actually have to havea conversation with someone.
Now, when you're bored, you just flip outyour phone, you know, switch on your app
and you can actually speak to a randomperson that you've never spoken to.
Now, again, it's really hard to decipher,you know, liking someone's pictures.
Is that cheating?
Maybe it's just.
(08:23):
being friendly to another person.
And for one person, theirperception of cheating is so
much different than someone else.
But I have, I've got a rule that I useto decide if it's, if digital infidelity
is really cheating or not, or if yourpartner is really cheating online.
And this rule is if your partnerkeeps his contact or her contact
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with another person, a secret, forexample, doesn't tell you about that
specific contact or uses fake namesfor people or deletes messages.
from their text messages or their socialmedia, then I actually consider this
digital infidelity or, or cyber cheating.
Now I want to share a story with you.
Another story that was sent through todaywhen I asked people to give me stories or
(09:06):
questions around cheating and infidelity.
So a follow up question from thesame person who sent me the original
question around what is kind of digitalinfidelity, um, says the following.
I believe that if you are in arelationship, there must be trust
and there must be transparency.
If your partner likes picturesof other females or other people,
regularly comments on their posts,chats with them in their DMs while
(09:30):
they're sending semi naked picturesto them, um, and he's hiding that.
For me, that is pure cheating.
And based on my definition of what Isaid before as kind of like a guideline,
if you do hide it and you're not openabout things, even if you're disliking
and sending messages to other people,then definitely you can consider
that a form of digital infidelity.
(09:50):
or cyber cheating.
So again, it brings usback to this question.
What do you consider cheating, right?
If you like someone's pictureson Facebook, is that a big issue?
Um, if you send someone, you know,kind of text messages that you don't
know, is that considered cheating?
Again, everyone has a differentperspective to what that is.
And I think you need to sit down withyour partner and have a good conversation
(10:12):
on what you consider Is cheating andwhat you consider is normal behavior.
And where do you set the lines?
Because in this cyberspace, thingsjust become so unclear, right?
It's such a gray area.
And, and also it's so not clear whatpeople's intentions actually are.
Why do you like someone's pictures?
Why do you send someone a DM?
So have that conversation.
That's what I can say to you all today.
(10:33):
Have that conversation.
And know that once you do, youkind of set the lines clear.
You make the, you make kind of thatgray area much more clear so that you
know what to expect from each other.
If you don't have that conversationwith each other, then it's easily
maybe to perceive other people'sbehaviors as not acceptable.
But make sure that both parties know aboutthat because otherwise it remains unclear.
(10:55):
And that's the unfortunate truth.
That we have today with the digitalspace, with digital apps, social media,
but especially also dating sites.
I actually consider digital infidelityas a form of emotional cheating.
Um, and, and so nowadays also witherotic games and VR and, you know, the
rise of robots maybe in the future,this is only going to become more.
So, consider how you should deal withthis in the future if this is something
(11:18):
that you're dealing with right now.
I think it's time to kind of...
Talk about the impact of cheating, likewhat is the impact of cheating on people?
And I think this is a reallyimportant conversation.
Why?
Because not only should you considerhow it affects you as an individual,
I think you should also think aboutif you cheat on other people, what
kind of impact it would have on them.
(11:38):
We all know that being cheatedon is, is a terrible experience.
Let's be honest.
Like I've gone through that myself.
I've had that experience andit's not a great experience.
Luckily, it hasn't happened that oftenin my life, but I think we can all kind
of relate to that one way or another.
And if we haven't gone throughthat, we know someone around
us that has gone through that.
Now the fact that your partnerhas had sex with someone else is
(12:02):
a very uncomfortable realization.
For many, not for everyone, but for many.
Not only because it happened,but also because you are likely
to question yourself about it.
What's wrong with me?
Did I do something wrong?
Am I not good enough for you?
So when someone actually cheatson you, you might even question
yourself and that might have hugeconsequences about how you, you know,
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value yourself or even think aboutyourself moving forward and even how
willing are you to trust other people?
The repercussions of infidelitygo way beyond the deed itself.
It can negatively impact your selfworth, as I just mentioned, but it
can also destabilize your family,affect your desire to socialize with
others, and in some settings and evencultures, impact your reputation.
(12:48):
So, why do people cheat, and whatis to gain from being promiscuous?
So, the truth of the matter is,cheating is very common, and most
of us will cheat one day in ourlives, or actually be cheated on.
So let me share with you a storyby a person that wanted her name
to be mentioned, um, Vanella.
Vanella said, being cheated on broke me.
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In always possible.
I question myself every single day.
Why wasn't I enough?
Why did he have to choose someone over me?
Was it my fault?
And I keep on getting triggersrandomly out of nowhere, and I
can't even cry the shit out ofit, and it's just getting worse.
(13:30):
This is a very later statement.
The fact that being cheated on is not somuch that the deeded actually happened.
The impact that it can have on some peopleand certain people and on their self worth
and them questioning themselves Doesn'tgo on for 10 minutes or 30 minutes of
that pleasure that the person who cheatedon you actually had with that other
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person But those repercussions can goon for months and even years to follow
up another person Mary asked me How doyou trust again after being cheated on?
I have a friend going through thisright now and I'd like to ask for them.
I think that's also avery important thing.
After being cheated on yourself, howwilling are you to trust other people?
Especially if it has such a negativeimpact on your mental health, on your
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psychology, on the way you look atyourself, um, you might feel less...
Willing to trust other people downthe road, or you might even be more
vigilant and cautious about datingother people, even to the extent that
you don't trust other people, that youeven go out and check their phones and
question if they're actually reallybeing honest to you, which again, could
(14:34):
actually hurt your relationship evenmore or new relationships down the road.
So trusting is really, really hard.
Once the trust is broken, it'sreally hard to rebuild that trust.
So to answer this question, it takes time.
Right, and having a partner withyou that is supportive of you and
if you can tell your partner of yourexperiences that you had in the past
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and maybe the trust issues that youhave, or if that partner is supporting
to you, that they will be willing towork with you on your trust issues.
And I think that's the best way of how todeal with it because again, working with
trust issues could be extremely difficult.
So let's get into thereasons why people cheat.
Now, of course, you know, when I, whenI, when I make my, my TikToks and I talk
(15:18):
about cheating or I make reels and I talkabout cheating, or even when I'm writing
my book now on red flags, green flags,um, you know, a lot of the people that
I've spoken to, to do research, of course,my interactions with people, my one to
one sessions with people, I've, I'veheard so many reasons why people believe.
That they're being cheated on but what Iwanted to do in today's session and not
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often all of those reasons are correctThere are also many other reasons why
people cheat and that we just oftendon't think about So I want to dive
now into what are some of the reasonswhy people will consider to cheat on
another person One of the reasons thatoften comes up is, you know, people
say I, I've, I've lost the passion.
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I've lost this kind ofconnection or emotional or
sexual connection to my partner.
I still love them a lot, but I justdon't feel physically attracted to
them anymore, or I don't feel thatoomph when I'm together with them.
And so losing the passion...
Can be one reason why, you know,people decide to, to either cheat
emotionally or, or, or cheatphysically for that matter of fact.
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Another reason why, why, why peoplecheat is when they have a lot of
fights and a lot of arguments.
And again, I'm not saying that it's good.
I'm just giving you the reason.
Why people cheat, but when the peoplefight a lot and they have a lot of fights
People do tend to cheat on their partners.
I actually want to share a storywith you By one of my followers.
His name is Steve and Steve saidto me I started cheating because
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Sexually, I lost interest in mypartner after being verbally abused.
However, my feelings didn't allow me tolet that go I know I'm wrong By cheating,
but feelings are so powerful and manytimes complicated and inexplicable.
I just can't let go of it.
And so basically, what Steve is sayinghere is, again, this doesn't seem to
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like to be a one off situation, whichcould also lead to cheating, but in this
situation, it seems to be a repetitive...
behavior where the other personis feeling let down or hurt or
abused, as Steve was saying.
And so, retaliation or revenge, insome cases, can also be another reason
why people cheat on their partners.
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Again, not saying that it's agood thing, just explaining why.
People would cheat or the reasons thatthey give to their cheating behavior.
Another reason why people cheatis due to feelings of insecurity
and also low self esteem.
And therefore, cheating becomesa way for them to feel validated
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or even to boost their egos.
Now this is a very common thingfor narcissists because for
narcissists, having low selfesteem is one of the common
characteristics amongst narcissists.
And so trying to fulfill Um, orvalidate themselves by having sex
with other people as a way for thembasically to kind of feel their
ego and feel good about themselves.
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What they're doing is they'retrying to fill a void that is never
going to ever be filled enough.
So the moment that they feel triggered.
To eventually, um, um, when they want tofeel validated or they feel that they're
feeling insecure, that very often thenif cheating is the way that they can
help them overcome that feeling, that'swhat they will do and continuously do so.
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So another reason why people cheatis, um, because of one off situations.
Um, you know, sometimes peopletravel somewhere and they happen
to be in the lobby of a hotel and.
They bump into someone, they havea conversation, they start to get
drunk and maybe it happens again.
It's not good that it happens, but oneoff situations could also be another
reason why people cheat and it doesn'treflect their actual behavior, what
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they would do on a regular basis.
But because of this perfect stormhappening, that's also one of
the reasons why they've decidedthen to do it or the situation.
I don't want to say that the situationmade them do it, but it made it
easier for them to choose to do it.
Now, what's also very interesting,what a lot of people don't consider in
relationships, is that, especially inlong term relationships, where, um, people
(19:18):
have been together for many years, isthat for both men and women, their desires
or sexual desires over time can change.
Some people have different interestsor develop, uh, new sexual desires
that they previously did not have.
Or eventually feel that they'remore open and willing to explore
new things, um, with their partner.
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And, and that can also be a reasonwhy, if maybe the partner is not
interested in it, for them toactually decide to be promiscuous.
Or to try out those fantasies that theyhave or desires that have now developed,
which they previously did not have.
And so that's also a very common reasonwhy people would decide to, uh, to cheat.
So now this brings me to a veryinteresting question, a question
(20:02):
that I often get when I talkabout this topic with people.
Um, who cheat more?
Men or women?
So I promised to give you thejuice and um, here it comes.
So again, as I mentioned, this is avery popular question and a question
many studies are also trying to answer.
So it's not just on my own opinionabout this, but what also a lot of
(20:23):
studies and a lot of trade papers havewanted to investigate and see if they
could come up with an answer for this.
Um, especially in today's world with, youknow, this, this changing gender norms
and What, you know, one would expectshifts to take place and instinctively
you would say, yeah, come on.
It's so clear, right?
Men cheat more.
It's in our day.
It's in our DNA.
(20:44):
Um, however, there are, remember what wesaid, there are various forms of cheating.
And so cheating can happen at differentstages of your life and cheating
can be more frequent in certaincommunities or other cultures than
others, a more nuanced answer to this.
This question is required before Ican give you a really good question,
a really good answer to this one.
So when it comes to physicalcheating, let's start with that.
(21:06):
It seems that men cheat more, okay,and that's according to studies.
According to the U.
S.
General Social Survey, by theInstitute for Family Studies, uh,
investigating infidelity, uh, amongstheterosexual married couples in the U.
S.
found that on average, 20%of men cheat physically.
20%.
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That's 1 out of every 5 couples.
While for women, that number was 13%.
Still 13%, but for men it was 1 out of 5.
Two interesting findings in theirstudy are that married women in the
age of the category Um, so in theage of, in the age category of 18 to
29, cheat slightly more than men do.
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I thought that was very interesting.
So, uh, men in that age category,18 to 29, about 10%, but women 11%.
So that was very interesting.
That's the only category, the agecategory that women cheat more than men.
physically.
Um, and infidelity rates amongst menreaches its highest point between
the ages of 70 to 79 years old.
(22:10):
About 26% according to their survey,um, of that age category of older
men cheat frequently or cheat.
So another very interesting statistic,according to the same survey, when it
comes to emotional infidelity, the U.
S.
General Social Survey cites that women aremore likely than men to cheat emotionally.
(22:30):
Interestingly, women are morelikely to be negatively impacted
by emotional affairs than men.
The opposite is true for men.
So we already know that men, accordingto the statistics, cheat more physically
than women do, but they also find thatwhen women cheat physically, that they
find that more impactful or hurtful.
Then when they cheat emotionally,so it's interesting when the
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things that we do ourselves, wefind worse for the other person.
So I have a contribution from, um, fromone of my followers in terms of, you know,
being cheated on and, and how, what herperspective was, um, and how it affected
her, or also what some of the reasonswere why, uh, she was being cheated on.
(23:11):
Cheating.
My now ex husband cheated on me witha large group of Philippine women.
He was cheating with them, sendinginappropriate pictures and money.
Always online, as we live in Spain.
According to him, I was overreactingand there was nothing wrong with it.
Making me feel I was the crazyone and he was the good guy.
(23:34):
Helping these women with money.
Three years after our divorce, I'm stillin therapy, trying to figure out how to
ever trust anyone again, including myselffor my bad choice of husband and father.
We were married 25 years,and we have two sons.
So this is a very interesting case.
(23:54):
Um, they, they were marriedfor such a long time.
Um, and Matilda basically, uh, heavilyaffected by being cheated on and
apparently her, her ex husband, um,you know, was getting in contact with
people abroad, um, and, um, was sendingmoney and, um, and, you know, after
(24:15):
talking with her a bit, sending, youknow, naked pictures or half naked
pictures and, um, and engaging in thatway in a, in a non consensual way.
And then when she addressed it,um, you know, he was telling
her that she was the problem.
Uh, so again, this is, it's a very complexsituation because we don't know really.
What happened in this situation andwhy eventually he was doing that.
(24:38):
And, and when I spoke to Matilda, um,she was, she was telling me that, you
know, initially he was such a great guy.
Um, and, but eventually he just kindof became very insecure about his own
abilities and, and, and his abilities totake care of me and, and, and the family.
Um, and so what was very interesting here,he, she says he chose the easy way out
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and without going into the reasons whyhe did it or what, what he did, but more
in the sense of how he made her feel andthe impact of the fact of he telling her
like, you know, you're ridiculous, it'syour fault, uh, or completely ignoring
her and, and she having to go through thatexperience that has a huge impact on her.
(25:21):
Why is it so hard to trust?
And especially when.
You know, it happens to you on aregular basis and it's your partner
and, uh, he or she is gaslightingyou and making you to second guess or
doubt yourself in your own reality.
This can have tremendous impacts, right?
Can have a tremendous impact on how youfeel about yourself, but even afterwards,
(25:43):
like even if you want to even still bewith another person, and a lot of people
nowadays, are choosing not to be withanother person because of out of fear
that, you know, if my husband did this tome and I have kids with that person or my
wife did this to me or my girlfriend ormy boyfriend, whatever that you'd think
that more and more people would do that.
So again, this just shows youthat how impactful cheating can
(26:05):
be not just on the short term,but also, um, on the long term.
So let's, let's dive into what are someof the, the red flags and what are some
of the green flags, uh, in terms of.
You know, cheating and, and,and long term relationships.
And, and what are some of the thingsthat we have to watch out for, right?
So red flags are those warning signsand green flags are, you know, those
(26:29):
indicators that, you know, you've,your partner's doing the right thing
for you or showing you that they'rebeing the best person that they can
be and therefore also trust people.
And I think that that wasthe key takeaway from today.
How can we make surethat we can trust people?
So, and again, if we have thesebad experiences, if we've been
cheated on, we're probably lesslikely to trust other people.
(26:50):
Um, and so therefore we might only bewanting to look for the red flags or
only looking at red flags or when wesee red flags, you know, just, just.
Reacting to them in an irrationalway and then judging people for
that one thing that they've done andimmediately see them in a negative light.
So I guess what I want to talk abouttoday is what are those red flags
(27:10):
that we definitely have to watchout for and also what are some of
those green flags that are potentialindicators of good behaviors.
That we can latch on to, to help uskind of build that trust again, right?
Because I think trust was thekey theme from today's, from
today's, today's, uh, conversation.
So the, the, the first, um, red flagis I would say a change in routine.
(27:35):
Okay, change in routine.
So if you start to see a change in routinein someone's pattern, how someone works,
or maybe how especially if you've beenin a relationship for such a long time,
you will quickly notice if people changetheir styles, they, they work much more
later, much more longer, they stay awayfrom you much more longer, um, even
change of routines in the bedroom, right?
(27:57):
New, new movements in the bedroom,that's also a change of routine
could potentially indicate.
That, you know, your partnermight be cheating on you.
Now, of course, it's not a clearindicator, but it's definitely a
red flag to take into consideration.
And, and so being mindful of thatand, and, and then thinking about
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why is this change happening?
What's happening to the other person?
Um, I think that is, issomething to look out for.
Again, it doesn't have to mean thatthey're actually cheating on you, but
it's definitely an indicator of changein behavior because we're, we're.
We're, we're creatures of habits.
We, we like to do things routinelyand automatic and we, and how much
of our behaviors are very automatic.
So the moment that we intentionally makea change to our existing routines means
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that we're motivated to make that change.
So changes in behaviors, um, candefinitely be a potential indicator,
um, that something might be going on.
Think about it also in theperspective of interest.
Uh, is the, is your partner notpaying attention to you anymore?
Is over, is talking more loudly, isbeing ruder or getting more aggressive.
(29:03):
If you see specific changes in yourpartner's behaviors, that's definitely
an indicator that something is happening.
Again, doesn't have to mean thatyour partner's cheating on you.
There is something happening in yourrelationship and maybe it's time to kind
of take a step back and start, startreflecting another clear red flag is when.
Your partner is starting to become moresecretive, so, you know, they're having
(29:27):
conversations with someone that you,you know, you know, taking the phone
away, they're turning their phone upsidedown, they've changed their passwords
on their, on their phones, uh, or ontheir computers, um, when you start
to see that your partner is becomingmore secretive, I think that that is
also a red flag to watch out for andto see why they're behaving that way.
(29:48):
Are they not sharinginformation with you anymore?
Um, are they being secretiveabout who they spoke to?
Um, those are definitely indicators thatyou should definitely watch out for and
consider if, um, if something's going on.
Uh, and again, If we don't trust peopleand we have that natural inclination,
um, to not want to trust people, thenany slight behavior can be seemed as
(30:12):
secretive maybe if something's off.
So do try to be mindful, try toreflect, you know, as much as
possible on yourself and say, am Ireally being oversensitive right now?
Or is, is my partner's behaviorreally off at this stage, right?
So be reflective as muchas possible, especially.
If you've been hurt in the past,you might be much more sensitive
(30:34):
to changes in your partner.
But when people are being verysecretive, that is definitely a red
flag that you need to look into.
Another red flag, I guess, in, you know,um, to potentially indicate that someone
might be You know, losing interestin you or might be cheating on you
is when they become distant from you.
(30:57):
So, you know, you might have relationalproblems, you might be fighting,
and then eventually your partnerstarts to take distance from you.
And again, taking distanceis a very normal thing to do,
especially if you don't want toget into too many confrontations.
But really, when you feel that yourpartner is becoming emotionally
distant from you, again, that doesn'thave to mean immediately that You,
(31:17):
someone else is cheating, but it coulddefinitely mean that, you know, they're
not feeling attracted to you anymore.
They don't want to be close to you.
And if that continues, then cheatingor being with another person or
maybe falling in love with anotherperson could actually happen.
So those are this kind of, youknow, um, things that I would
definitely think of and consider.
(31:39):
When you see your partners or youevaluate your partner's behavior.
So taking distance is something thatI do definitely think is a red flag.
Again, it doesn't have tomean that they're cheating.
It could also mean that, you know,they're not happy with something with you.
And that should be a moment of reflectionagain to say, well, hey, let's sit down
together, let's have a conversation.
(31:59):
Let's try to figure out what'sgoing on here and don't try to
make the problem even bigger.
or assume stuff.
I guess communication is key in any kindof relationship, so communicate with each
other, you know, sit down and say, Hey,honey, or love, or whoever you speak to.
Um, I just kind of noticed thatwe've, you know, we've been a bit
(32:19):
distant with each other recently.
Um, I don't feel you like I used to.
I feel you're not interestedin what I have to say.
Um, I'm not really feelingthe passion in bed again.
Maybe it's me.
I don't know.
But I would really just love to sitdown with you and talk about it.
And anything that happens, it's okay.
Remember, we're partners.
We love each other.
We've been together so long.
(32:40):
Let's be open about this.
Let's talk.
Um, I think that's a good approach.
And again, it doesn't mean that...
Your partner might not want to talkabout it or might gaslight you and
say, no, you're, you know, it'srubbish what you're talking about.
That's just, you know,completely bullshit.
Um, you know, you're the personthat's, uh, that's the issue and
it's not me or, you know, you're justimagining stuff that is in that sense.
(33:04):
That's a red flag.
If a partner does not wantto sit with you and discuss.
Remember, problems can't always beresolved, not every single problem, but
at least we can learn from each other.
And if your partner does not wantto sit with you and learn from each
other, even though you can't solvea problem, then it is an indicator
that it's not a you problem, but morea them problem or a they problem.
(33:25):
So that's something that Idefinitely would say be mindful of.
Distance and paying attention to that.
So let's talk aboutsome of the green flags.
And again, you know, the stories that weheard today and, you know, trust being
a very big, very big thing for a lot ofpeople, not only for people that have
had great relationships, but just alsofor people that have had some bad past
experiences in today's dating world.
(33:46):
Let's be honest, right?
Toxicity seems to be the currencyof, uh, of the dating world.
Um, but so how do we, how do we moveon and how do we say, well, look,
I'm really to start dating someone.
Um, and I really want to like this person.
I really want to seethe good side of them.
What are some of the things thatwe can then start to evaluate and
say, Hey, that's a green flag.
(34:07):
That's something that weneed to pay attention to.
Well, one of the first green flags I thinkis, and this kind of brings us back to
what we said before, is, is communication.
Can we communicate with each other?
Can we have that conversation and sit downand be frank and open with each other?
And, you know, preferences anddesires, sexual desires change.
(34:27):
And maybe you want to explorethat option with your partner.
But are you able to communicatethat to your partner?
And even if your partner is not okaywith that, that's still okay, because
you have to have that conversation.
Cheating or going around your partner'sback is not the right thing to do.
But if your partner can come to youand say, look, um, you know, I've
(34:47):
been thinking about our relationshiprecently and I feel that, um, some
things inside of me have changed.
Uh, not my love for you, but personally,my interest in other people has developed
or evolved or, um, I've, you know, I,I've, I'm, I'm thinking about maybe
opening up our relationship becauseI'd love to explore this relationship
with you and I don't want to lose you.
(35:09):
You're better having that.
Then having someone who doesn't sayanything to you and cheats behind
your back, at least that gives you theopportunity to have that conversation
with your partner and say, Look, I reallyrespect the fact that you've told me
that and that you're open about that.
Um, and I'm not okay with it,but I'm going to tell you why
that I'm not okay with it.
(35:30):
And then you can find away to deal with that.
Maybe you take a break from each other.
That's also another solution.
But at least you have that conversationto find a potential resolution
that you both feel good with.
Maybe, you know what, you're thinking,I think that's pretty interesting.
I was also thinking aboutspicing up my life with you.
Um, I didn't think about havingthis conversation, but the fact
(35:52):
that you, you did, I'm happy tohave that conversation with you.
Um, and, and let's explore that.
But let me be honest.
I mean, if I don't like it, I'm goingto tell you that I don't like it.
So communication is key.
101.
Communication is so important.
Definitely a green flag.
Uh, in terms of longterm relational success.
(36:12):
Number two, um, your ability to resolveconflict, I think is extremely important.
And I think that's also a green flag.
And remember when we, when we fall in lovewith someone again, talking about dating,
we tend to see the great things aboutthem, you know, Oh, you're so beautiful.
You're so nice.
I love everything about you.
And, you know, everything is so rainbowcolorish or everything is so pink colorish
(36:37):
because life just looks so good to you.
But we also need to take intoconsideration when you actually fall in
love with someone, you also fall in lovewith those aspects of them that they still
need to further grow upon or develop,or their childhood trauma or other
experiences that they had in their lives.
And what, which makes themrespond and a not so great way.
So remember that with every person youbring on board that you actually commit
(37:01):
to or have a relationship with, youbring both the good side as well as the
bad side and, and you as you as well,you also bring that to the other person.
And so how do you.
How do you respond in a certain situationor, you know, how do you deal with
difficult situations and some, somecircumstances you might be really great,
but in some circumstances, your partneror a certain situation might trigger
(37:22):
you or trigger past traumas inside ofyou and your ability to deal with that.
In a relationship is extremely important.
And so if you can say to each other,we're here to be for each other,
we're here to grow together, butwe're also here to help us heal.
I think that's also a really,really healthy way to, to work with
(37:43):
each other in relationships andto know that the other person has
that ability to deal with conflict.
So what are some examples of howto deal with conflict effectively?
Um, being able to know, to identify whenyou get heated or when you get triggered.
And if you are, if you are someonewho is very emotional that you
(38:04):
can say, okay, you know what?
I think I need to walk away for a moment.
And I need to kind of give myself somespace and I'll come back and I'll and
we'll sit together and I'll explain thingsto you and let's diffuse the emotion
and let's get, you know, let's kind ofbring it to the level of assumptions
and discuss what's really going on here.
I think that's a really goodskill set of being able to do
(38:24):
effectively with, um, with conflict.
Another great.
Another example of good conflictmanagement resolution is your ability to,
you know, have an open discussion, tellthe other person what you don't agree
with, um, also be candid about what youwant and what you dislike and to also.
(38:46):
Say that to yourself that we're havingthis conflict because we don't want
to fight with each other, but wewant to find a way to grow together.
So conflict doesn't alwayshave to be a bad thing.
Actually, conflict can be an amazingopportunity to learn more about each
other and to get better with each other.
So if you see conflict as a learningopportunity, I think that's an amazing.
(39:09):
Green flag and is also anamazing skill set to have in
terms of conflict resolution.
So that's what I think thatsecond green flag is being able
to deal with conflict effectively.
The third green flag I wouldsay is being supportive, being
supportive and empathetic.
So being able to read yourpartner and if you see that
(39:31):
your partner has trust issues.
You can, as a partner, can say to theother person, Hey, I can see that,
you know, maybe you don't want to goout too much and you'd rather stay in
and spend more time together that way.
And, um, I've noticed that behaviorin you a couple of times and your
suggestions and what you've been askingfor and also what you don't like to do.
(39:53):
Can you maybe just tell me why that is?
And could you share withme why you feel that way?
So being able to read the other person,communicate to them what you see, what
you hear, what you feel, and that issomething that can show your partner,
wow, you're really listening to me.
You really feel me and youalso, you want to support me.
(40:14):
And part of building trust ishaving positive exchanges with
the other person and then themreciprocating to you and then saying,
wow, my partner really trusts me.
This person is definitely someonedifferent than I had in the past.
I need to give this person, I needto give my partner the chance.
Because I see that he or she isreally showing that empathetic
(40:36):
side and supportive side, Ineed to reciprocate, right?
And, and I think finding, seeing thatand also reciprocating to your partner
in that perspective, when you do seethat they are supportive and empathetic,
is definitely also a green flag.
It's good for relationships,but being able to find that in
your partner, super important.
Right.
So definitely a green flag.
So those were some greenflags and red flags.
(40:58):
I could go on for ages about green flagsand red flags, especially when it comes
to cheating and relationship and dating.
Um, so yeah, my book is coming out,uh, at the beginning of next year.
Um, and of course, these podcastsare here to kind of facilitate those
insights and, you know, bring more,um, voices of my, of my followers.
And more of my insights and experiencesinto the table to kind of discuss
(41:22):
these topics that are often just kindof taken for granted or, you know,
or very hard to kind of think ofwhen we're actually in that moment of
experiencing, in this case, cheating.
So hopefully this podcast today wasable to give you a perspective, a
broader perspective to what cheatingis and how, what different forms are
cheating and the impact that cheatingcan have on you, but hopefully today's
(41:44):
insights can help you to reflect.
Uh, on yourself and howyou evaluate other people.
Um, and also how you can start trustingother people more, even if you've
been in bad relationships in the past.
It's hard to trust, you know what theysay, it takes years to build trust
and it can take a second to break it.
But I hope that today's conversation,for those people who are listening
(42:06):
that have been cheated on, that youfeel slightly more confident today
to rethink about being with someoneand also to look at their good sides.
Try to look for their...
And for those people that cheat orhave cheated or plan to cheat, maybe
even after listening, not afterlistening this, but are planning
(42:27):
to cheat because they were planningto do something today or tomorrow.
Just think about the consequencesthat that cheating has.
10 minutes, 20 minutes,30 minutes of pleasure.
It goes, you know, might not be worththe pain that you will have, the pain
you will cause the other person andthe people surrounding them as well.
So thanks for listening and tuning intoday and definitely stay tuned for more
(42:51):
podcasts on relationships and datingand of course red flags and green flags.
And I also like to say to those peoplewho are not following me yet on Instagram
or on Tik TOK, uh, my, um, Instagramreel is modern day psychologists.
So modern day psychologist or Dr.
Ali Fennec and on Tik TOK, I amalso modern day psychologist or Dr.
(43:12):
Tik TOK.
And if you'd like to be featured in oneof my next episodes, um, uh, or please do
pay attention to the prompts that I sendout through my stories, because I'd love
to hear from you and embed your stories.
Into my podcast, so we canreflect more on your own personal
experiences, um, moving forward.
Thank you so much again and tunein for my next podcast coming soon.
Welcome back everyone to my podcast,Red Flags, Green Flags, modern
psychology for everyday drama.
In this second episode of dating andrelationships, I want to talk to you
about a behavioral phenomenon thathappens regularly across relationships,
across cultures and countries, andhas been around since antiquity.
So many people in relationshipshave experienced some sort of
(00:38):
cheating or adultery in their lives.
When we think about cheating oradultery, we often only think
about physical cheating, secretlysleeping with another person without
your partner knowing about it.
But cheating doesn't onlyhave to be physical, it can
also happen in different ways.
Also, many people don't think about theconsequences of cheating, especially
(00:58):
the impact it has on people surroundingyourself or other people, um, and that
10 minutes of pleasure can have lastingnegative effects, which can ruin not
only your relationship, but also thelives of others and people around them.
Now in today's podcast, I will share somepersonal stories from my followers from
social media that have shared them withme today to kind of have this discussion
(01:19):
about how cheating actually impacts you.
Why do certain peoplecheat on other people?
And I'm also here to answer questions thatyou've had, um, about cheating in itself.
What is cheating, for example, has beenone of the questions that has come up.
And also I'll try to cover someof the startling statistics about
how many people actually cheat.
And if time permits, I'll also sharewith you who cheats more, men or women.
(01:41):
And also I'll explain why.
Everything you need toknow about cheating.
So grab a coffee or some tea, getcomfy and enjoy today's episode.
So let's start with the basics.
What is cheating?
Well, um, according to Webster'sDictionary, um, cheating is defined
or infidelity is defined as theact of having a romantic or sexual
(02:01):
relationship with someone other thanone's husband, wife, or partner.
Now, this doesn't only have toinclude having sex with someone,
but it can also include kissingor cuddling very intimately with
someone else who is not your partner.
If you are in a monogamous relationship,And you're being intimate with
someone in a non consensual way,then this is considered cheating.
(02:23):
What's also very interesting todiscuss about cheating is that not
everyone chooses to be in a traditionalmonogamous relationship nowadays.
People choose to be friends withbenefits or non exclusive, as a
lot of people like to call it, orwant to be in an open relationship.
And this is becoming extremely popular.
And how does that impactwhat cheating means?
With the rise of the internet and changingnorms about love and monogamy, um,
(02:48):
are making people consider alternativeforms of relationships, where culturally
possible, that are not as strict interms of being just with one person.
Ethical cheating, for example, has becomea new trend in modern relationships
where partners are open about whothey sleep with while choosing to
remain with their actual partner.
What does cheating mean when youare in a non exclusive relationship?
(03:09):
I think this is a reallyinteresting thing to think about.
And do we still consider it cheating whenwe're not in an exclusive relationship?
Or, are there situations that could happento which we could consider cheating even
if we are in non exclusive relationships?
These are questions that I thinkwe all need to think about.
But I don't really think that wethink about this on a daily basis.
(03:30):
Now let's get back towhat is cheating, right?
Again, as I mentioned in theintroduction, often we think that
cheating is just physical cheating.
Physical cheating is notthe only form of infidelity.
One of the most common forms ofcheating is emotional cheating.
And for some, emotional cheatingcan also be the most painful form.
(03:50):
of cheating.
Um, and I think if we go back to thatWebster's dictionary description, it
fails to define that emotional infidelity.
So what is it?
Emotional infidelity can happen when yourpartner develops a close emotional bond
with someone outside of your relationshipto an extent which undermines the trust
and intimacy you have with each other.
(04:12):
Developing feelings for someone elseor sharing intimate or personal stuff
with someone where you could have apotential romantic interest in, that could
also be considered emotional cheating.
What's interesting about emotional affairsis that it's not something that most
courts would even consider adultery.
So having a divorce on the basis ofhaving an emotional affair is not
that easy to do in many countries.
(04:34):
So that's something totake into consideration.
More people cheat emotionally thanthey actually cheat physically.
Now, I want to share a story with youfrom an anonymous follower that I have.
Who said the following, as amarried person, I get attached
to other people emotionally.
I've cheated emotionally.
No further explanation was providedin the DM that was sent to me.
(05:00):
So what's very interesting here,this person did mention that they
were in a long term marriage.
And so it can happen, right, that whenwe are together with someone for a
long time that we We'll not physicallycheat with them, but we can develop
feelings for people that we comeacross or, or engage with and maybe
have an emotional affair with them.
(05:20):
Um, and, and that can happen maybemultiple times across a marriage
or a long term relationship.
And most partners willnot talk about that.
Why?
Because there's no physical intimacy.
It doesn't feel like a bad thing to do.
And sometimes it caneven feel like an escape.
Not saying that it's a good thing todo, but a lot of people could consider
that as an alternative, actuallyphysically cheat on another person.
(05:44):
And again, this person's voice representsvoices of many other people that have told
me that I've had emotional affairs withother people around me, and I've never
told my significant other about that.
And when I ask them, howdoes it make you feel?
And then one way they say, well, Ineeded this, or I felt that I was
missing out on something, or I wasn'tgetting that attention from my partner,
(06:07):
and I, but because, you know, I wantto stay true to my vows, and I don't
want to hurt them, that I don't wantto physically cheat on them, and so
therefore, having that emotional affairwith that other person kind of made
me feel that I could change myself.
Fulfill that one need that Iwas missing out on, but at the
same time, not hurt my partner.
So what's very interesting aboutemotional infidelity is that it happens
(06:30):
more than we actually think it does.
And at the same time, we often justkind of discount it, but it can be
extremely painful for both men andwomen who experience emotional cheating.
Now, with the rise of the internet, sothis is another form of cheating as well,
with the rise of the internet and socialmedia, and of course, dating apps, now,
digital infidelity or cyber cheatinghas now become a big thing as well.
(06:54):
So, what is this?
Now, before I get into the detailsof what this is, I want to share
another story with you, uh, fromsomeone who, uh, shared their
personal perspective of this question.
asking themselves, isthis really cheating?
Yes or no?
This person said, good afternoon, I have aquestion for you, for your podcast today.
If your partner is messaging with otherfemales, like liking their posts or
(07:18):
social media and hiding it from you,when, and when you intrude the phone to
get the confirmation of your suspicions,he accuses you of being indecent.
All of it is consideredcheating, isn't it, Dr.
Fenech?
In this case, I would have to say yes.
But where are the, where are the lines?
When is it cheating?
And when is it not cheating, for example?
(07:39):
And I think when it comes to this kind ofcyber cheating, it becomes very unclear.
So let's dive first intowhat is cyber cheating.
This kind of digital infidelity iswhen your partner engages in a cyber
relationship with someone or sends,for example, romantic or sexual
text messages or DMs to someoneoften who they don't know online.
Nowadays, it's so easy tosend someone a message.
(08:02):
30, 40 years ago, if you wantedto meet someone, well, I mean, we
didn't have a mobile phone back then.
You'd actually have to havea conversation with someone.
Now, when you're bored, you just flip outyour phone, you know, switch on your app
and you can actually speak to a randomperson that you've never spoken to.
Now, again, it's really hard to decipher,you know, liking someone's pictures.
Is that cheating?
Maybe it's just.
(08:23):
being friendly to another person.
And for one person, theirperception of cheating is so
much different than someone else.
But I have, I've got a rule that I useto decide if it's, if digital infidelity
is really cheating or not, or if yourpartner is really cheating online.
And this rule is if your partnerkeeps his contact or her contact
(08:43):
with another person, a secret, forexample, doesn't tell you about that
specific contact or uses fake namesfor people or deletes messages.
from their text messages or their socialmedia, then I actually consider this
digital infidelity or, or cyber cheating.
Now I want to share a story with you.
Another story that was sent through todaywhen I asked people to give me stories or
(09:06):
questions around cheating and infidelity.
So a follow up question from thesame person who sent me the original
question around what is kind of digitalinfidelity, um, says the following.
I believe that if you are in arelationship, there must be trust
and there must be transparency.
If your partner likes picturesof other females or other people,
regularly comments on their posts,chats with them in their DMs while
(09:30):
they're sending semi naked picturesto them, um, and he's hiding that.
For me, that is pure cheating.
And based on my definition of what Isaid before as kind of like a guideline,
if you do hide it and you're not openabout things, even if you're disliking
and sending messages to other people,then definitely you can consider
that a form of digital infidelity.
(09:50):
or cyber cheating.
So again, it brings usback to this question.
What do you consider cheating, right?
If you like someone's pictureson Facebook, is that a big issue?
Um, if you send someone, you know,kind of text messages that you don't
know, is that considered cheating?
Again, everyone has a differentperspective to what that is.
And I think you need to sit down withyour partner and have a good conversation
(10:12):
on what you consider Is cheating andwhat you consider is normal behavior.
And where do you set the lines?
Because in this cyberspace, thingsjust become so unclear, right?
It's such a gray area.
And, and also it's so not clear whatpeople's intentions actually are.
Why do you like someone's pictures?
Why do you send someone a DM?
So have that conversation.
That's what I can say to you all today.
(10:33):
Have that conversation.
And know that once you do, youkind of set the lines clear.
You make the, you make kind of thatgray area much more clear so that you
know what to expect from each other.
If you don't have that conversationwith each other, then it's easily
maybe to perceive other people'sbehaviors as not acceptable.
But make sure that both parties know aboutthat because otherwise it remains unclear.
(10:55):
And that's the unfortunate truth.
That we have today with the digitalspace, with digital apps, social media,
but especially also dating sites.
I actually consider digital infidelityas a form of emotional cheating.
Um, and, and so nowadays also witherotic games and VR and, you know, the
rise of robots maybe in the future,this is only going to become more.
So, consider how you should deal withthis in the future if this is something
(11:18):
that you're dealing with right now.
I think it's time to kind of...
Talk about the impact of cheating, likewhat is the impact of cheating on people?
And I think this is a reallyimportant conversation.
Why?
Because not only should you considerhow it affects you as an individual,
I think you should also think aboutif you cheat on other people, what
kind of impact it would have on them.
(11:38):
We all know that being cheatedon is, is a terrible experience.
Let's be honest.
Like I've gone through that myself.
I've had that experience andit's not a great experience.
Luckily, it hasn't happened that oftenin my life, but I think we can all kind
of relate to that one way or another.
And if we haven't gone throughthat, we know someone around
us that has gone through that.
Now the fact that your partnerhas had sex with someone else is
(12:02):
a very uncomfortable realization.
For many, not for everyone, but for many.
Not only because it happened,but also because you are likely
to question yourself about it.
What's wrong with me?
Did I do something wrong?
Am I not good enough for you?
So when someone actually cheatson you, you might even question
yourself and that might have hugeconsequences about how you, you know,
(12:25):
value yourself or even think aboutyourself moving forward and even how
willing are you to trust other people?
The repercussions of infidelitygo way beyond the deed itself.
It can negatively impact your selfworth, as I just mentioned, but it
can also destabilize your family,affect your desire to socialize with
others, and in some settings and evencultures, impact your reputation.
(12:48):
So, why do people cheat, and whatis to gain from being promiscuous?
So, the truth of the matter is,cheating is very common, and most
of us will cheat one day in ourlives, or actually be cheated on.
So let me share with you a storyby a person that wanted her name
to be mentioned, um, Vanella.
Vanella said, being cheated on broke me.
(13:09):
In always possible.
I question myself every single day.
Why wasn't I enough?
Why did he have to choose someone over me?
Was it my fault?
And I keep on getting triggersrandomly out of nowhere, and I
can't even cry the shit out ofit, and it's just getting worse.
(13:30):
This is a very later statement.
The fact that being cheated on is not somuch that the deeded actually happened.
The impact that it can have on some peopleand certain people and on their self worth
and them questioning themselves Doesn'tgo on for 10 minutes or 30 minutes of
that pleasure that the person who cheatedon you actually had with that other
(13:51):
person But those repercussions can goon for months and even years to follow
up another person Mary asked me How doyou trust again after being cheated on?
I have a friend going through thisright now and I'd like to ask for them.
I think that's also avery important thing.
After being cheated on yourself, howwilling are you to trust other people?
Especially if it has such a negativeimpact on your mental health, on your
(14:13):
psychology, on the way you look atyourself, um, you might feel less...
Willing to trust other people downthe road, or you might even be more
vigilant and cautious about datingother people, even to the extent that
you don't trust other people, that youeven go out and check their phones and
question if they're actually reallybeing honest to you, which again, could
(14:34):
actually hurt your relationship evenmore or new relationships down the road.
So trusting is really, really hard.
Once the trust is broken, it'sreally hard to rebuild that trust.
So to answer this question, it takes time.
Right, and having a partner withyou that is supportive of you and
if you can tell your partner of yourexperiences that you had in the past
(14:55):
and maybe the trust issues that youhave, or if that partner is supporting
to you, that they will be willing towork with you on your trust issues.
And I think that's the best way of how todeal with it because again, working with
trust issues could be extremely difficult.
So let's get into thereasons why people cheat.
Now, of course, you know, when I, whenI, when I make my, my TikToks and I talk
(15:18):
about cheating or I make reels and I talkabout cheating, or even when I'm writing
my book now on red flags, green flags,um, you know, a lot of the people that
I've spoken to, to do research, of course,my interactions with people, my one to
one sessions with people, I've, I'veheard so many reasons why people believe.
That they're being cheated on but what Iwanted to do in today's session and not
(15:40):
often all of those reasons are correctThere are also many other reasons why
people cheat and that we just oftendon't think about So I want to dive
now into what are some of the reasonswhy people will consider to cheat on
another person One of the reasons thatoften comes up is, you know, people
say I, I've, I've lost the passion.
(16:01):
I've lost this kind ofconnection or emotional or
sexual connection to my partner.
I still love them a lot, but I justdon't feel physically attracted to
them anymore, or I don't feel thatoomph when I'm together with them.
And so losing the passion...
Can be one reason why, you know,people decide to, to either cheat
emotionally or, or, or cheatphysically for that matter of fact.
(16:25):
Another reason why, why, why peoplecheat is when they have a lot of
fights and a lot of arguments.
And again, I'm not saying that it's good.
I'm just giving you the reason.
Why people cheat, but when the peoplefight a lot and they have a lot of fights
People do tend to cheat on their partners.
I actually want to share a storywith you By one of my followers.
His name is Steve and Steve saidto me I started cheating because
(16:49):
Sexually, I lost interest in mypartner after being verbally abused.
However, my feelings didn't allow me tolet that go I know I'm wrong By cheating,
but feelings are so powerful and manytimes complicated and inexplicable.
I just can't let go of it.
And so basically, what Steve is sayinghere is, again, this doesn't seem to
(17:12):
like to be a one off situation, whichcould also lead to cheating, but in this
situation, it seems to be a repetitive...
behavior where the other personis feeling let down or hurt or
abused, as Steve was saying.
And so, retaliation or revenge, insome cases, can also be another reason
why people cheat on their partners.
(17:32):
Again, not saying that it's agood thing, just explaining why.
People would cheat or the reasons thatthey give to their cheating behavior.
Another reason why people cheatis due to feelings of insecurity
and also low self esteem.
And therefore, cheating becomesa way for them to feel validated
(17:53):
or even to boost their egos.
Now this is a very common thingfor narcissists because for
narcissists, having low selfesteem is one of the common
characteristics amongst narcissists.
And so trying to fulfill Um, orvalidate themselves by having sex
with other people as a way for thembasically to kind of feel their
ego and feel good about themselves.
(18:13):
What they're doing is they'retrying to fill a void that is never
going to ever be filled enough.
So the moment that they feel triggered.
To eventually, um, um, when they want tofeel validated or they feel that they're
feeling insecure, that very often thenif cheating is the way that they can
help them overcome that feeling, that'swhat they will do and continuously do so.
(18:33):
So another reason why people cheatis, um, because of one off situations.
Um, you know, sometimes peopletravel somewhere and they happen
to be in the lobby of a hotel and.
They bump into someone, they havea conversation, they start to get
drunk and maybe it happens again.
It's not good that it happens, but oneoff situations could also be another
reason why people cheat and it doesn'treflect their actual behavior, what
(18:56):
they would do on a regular basis.
But because of this perfect stormhappening, that's also one of
the reasons why they've decidedthen to do it or the situation.
I don't want to say that the situationmade them do it, but it made it
easier for them to choose to do it.
Now, what's also very interesting,what a lot of people don't consider in
relationships, is that, especially inlong term relationships, where, um, people
(19:18):
have been together for many years, isthat for both men and women, their desires
or sexual desires over time can change.
Some people have different interestsor develop, uh, new sexual desires
that they previously did not have.
Or eventually feel that they'remore open and willing to explore
new things, um, with their partner.
(19:39):
And, and that can also be a reasonwhy, if maybe the partner is not
interested in it, for them toactually decide to be promiscuous.
Or to try out those fantasies that theyhave or desires that have now developed,
which they previously did not have.
And so that's also a very common reasonwhy people would decide to, uh, to cheat.
So now this brings me to a veryinteresting question, a question
(20:02):
that I often get when I talkabout this topic with people.
Um, who cheat more?
Men or women?
So I promised to give you thejuice and um, here it comes.
So again, as I mentioned, this is avery popular question and a question
many studies are also trying to answer.
So it's not just on my own opinionabout this, but what also a lot of
(20:23):
studies and a lot of trade papers havewanted to investigate and see if they
could come up with an answer for this.
Um, especially in today's world with, youknow, this, this changing gender norms
and What, you know, one would expectshifts to take place and instinctively
you would say, yeah, come on.
It's so clear, right?
Men cheat more.
It's in our day.
It's in our DNA.
(20:44):
Um, however, there are, remember what wesaid, there are various forms of cheating.
And so cheating can happen at differentstages of your life and cheating
can be more frequent in certaincommunities or other cultures than
others, a more nuanced answer to this.
This question is required before Ican give you a really good question,
a really good answer to this one.
So when it comes to physicalcheating, let's start with that.
(21:06):
It seems that men cheat more, okay,and that's according to studies.
According to the U.
S.
General Social Survey, by theInstitute for Family Studies, uh,
investigating infidelity, uh, amongstheterosexual married couples in the U.
S.
found that on average, 20%of men cheat physically.
20%.
(21:26):
That's 1 out of every 5 couples.
While for women, that number was 13%.
Still 13%, but for men it was 1 out of 5.
Two interesting findings in theirstudy are that married women in the
age of the category Um, so in theage of, in the age category of 18 to
29, cheat slightly more than men do.
(21:48):
I thought that was very interesting.
So, uh, men in that age category,18 to 29, about 10%, but women 11%.
So that was very interesting.
That's the only category, the agecategory that women cheat more than men.
physically.
Um, and infidelity rates amongst menreaches its highest point between
the ages of 70 to 79 years old.
(22:10):
About 26% according to their survey,um, of that age category of older
men cheat frequently or cheat.
So another very interesting statistic,according to the same survey, when it
comes to emotional infidelity, the U.
S.
General Social Survey cites that women aremore likely than men to cheat emotionally.
(22:30):
Interestingly, women are morelikely to be negatively impacted
by emotional affairs than men.
The opposite is true for men.
So we already know that men, accordingto the statistics, cheat more physically
than women do, but they also find thatwhen women cheat physically, that they
find that more impactful or hurtful.
Then when they cheat emotionally,so it's interesting when the
(22:50):
things that we do ourselves, wefind worse for the other person.
So I have a contribution from, um, fromone of my followers in terms of, you know,
being cheated on and, and how, what herperspective was, um, and how it affected
her, or also what some of the reasonswere why, uh, she was being cheated on.
(23:11):
Cheating.
My now ex husband cheated on me witha large group of Philippine women.
He was cheating with them, sendinginappropriate pictures and money.
Always online, as we live in Spain.
According to him, I was overreactingand there was nothing wrong with it.
Making me feel I was the crazyone and he was the good guy.
(23:34):
Helping these women with money.
Three years after our divorce, I'm stillin therapy, trying to figure out how to
ever trust anyone again, including myselffor my bad choice of husband and father.
We were married 25 years,and we have two sons.
So this is a very interesting case.
(23:54):
Um, they, they were marriedfor such a long time.
Um, and Matilda basically, uh, heavilyaffected by being cheated on and
apparently her, her ex husband, um,you know, was getting in contact with
people abroad, um, and, um, was sendingmoney and, um, and, you know, after
(24:15):
talking with her a bit, sending, youknow, naked pictures or half naked
pictures and, um, and engaging in thatway in a, in a non consensual way.
And then when she addressed it,um, you know, he was telling
her that she was the problem.
Uh, so again, this is, it's a very complexsituation because we don't know really.
What happened in this situation andwhy eventually he was doing that.
(24:38):
And, and when I spoke to Matilda, um,she was, she was telling me that, you
know, initially he was such a great guy.
Um, and, but eventually he just kindof became very insecure about his own
abilities and, and, and his abilities totake care of me and, and, and the family.
Um, and so what was very interesting here,he, she says he chose the easy way out
(25:01):
and without going into the reasons whyhe did it or what, what he did, but more
in the sense of how he made her feel andthe impact of the fact of he telling her
like, you know, you're ridiculous, it'syour fault, uh, or completely ignoring
her and, and she having to go through thatexperience that has a huge impact on her.
(25:21):
Why is it so hard to trust?
And especially when.
You know, it happens to you on aregular basis and it's your partner
and, uh, he or she is gaslightingyou and making you to second guess or
doubt yourself in your own reality.
This can have tremendous impacts, right?
Can have a tremendous impact on how youfeel about yourself, but even afterwards,
(25:43):
like even if you want to even still bewith another person, and a lot of people
nowadays, are choosing not to be withanother person because of out of fear
that, you know, if my husband did this tome and I have kids with that person or my
wife did this to me or my girlfriend ormy boyfriend, whatever that you'd think
that more and more people would do that.
So again, this just shows youthat how impactful cheating can
(26:05):
be not just on the short term,but also, um, on the long term.
So let's, let's dive into what are someof the, the red flags and what are some
of the green flags, uh, in terms of.
You know, cheating and, and,and long term relationships.
And, and what are some of the thingsthat we have to watch out for, right?
So red flags are those warning signsand green flags are, you know, those
(26:29):
indicators that, you know, you've,your partner's doing the right thing
for you or showing you that they'rebeing the best person that they can
be and therefore also trust people.
And I think that that wasthe key takeaway from today.
How can we make surethat we can trust people?
So, and again, if we have thesebad experiences, if we've been
cheated on, we're probably lesslikely to trust other people.
(26:50):
Um, and so therefore we might only bewanting to look for the red flags or
only looking at red flags or when wesee red flags, you know, just, just.
Reacting to them in an irrationalway and then judging people for
that one thing that they've done andimmediately see them in a negative light.
So I guess what I want to talk abouttoday is what are those red flags
(27:10):
that we definitely have to watchout for and also what are some of
those green flags that are potentialindicators of good behaviors.
That we can latch on to, to help uskind of build that trust again, right?
Because I think trust was thekey theme from today's, from
today's, today's, uh, conversation.
So the, the, the first, um, red flagis I would say a change in routine.
(27:35):
Okay, change in routine.
So if you start to see a change in routinein someone's pattern, how someone works,
or maybe how especially if you've beenin a relationship for such a long time,
you will quickly notice if people changetheir styles, they, they work much more
later, much more longer, they stay awayfrom you much more longer, um, even
change of routines in the bedroom, right?
(27:57):
New, new movements in the bedroom,that's also a change of routine
could potentially indicate.
That, you know, your partnermight be cheating on you.
Now, of course, it's not a clearindicator, but it's definitely a
red flag to take into consideration.
And, and so being mindful of thatand, and, and then thinking about
(28:17):
why is this change happening?
What's happening to the other person?
Um, I think that is, issomething to look out for.
Again, it doesn't have to mean thatthey're actually cheating on you, but
it's definitely an indicator of changein behavior because we're, we're.
We're, we're creatures of habits.
We, we like to do things routinelyand automatic and we, and how much
of our behaviors are very automatic.
So the moment that we intentionally makea change to our existing routines means
(28:42):
that we're motivated to make that change.
So changes in behaviors, um, candefinitely be a potential indicator,
um, that something might be going on.
Think about it also in theperspective of interest.
Uh, is the, is your partner notpaying attention to you anymore?
Is over, is talking more loudly, isbeing ruder or getting more aggressive.
(29:03):
If you see specific changes in yourpartner's behaviors, that's definitely
an indicator that something is happening.
Again, doesn't have to mean thatyour partner's cheating on you.
There is something happening in yourrelationship and maybe it's time to kind
of take a step back and start, startreflecting another clear red flag is when.
Your partner is starting to become moresecretive, so, you know, they're having
(29:27):
conversations with someone that you,you know, you know, taking the phone
away, they're turning their phone upsidedown, they've changed their passwords
on their, on their phones, uh, or ontheir computers, um, when you start
to see that your partner is becomingmore secretive, I think that that is
also a red flag to watch out for andto see why they're behaving that way.
(29:48):
Are they not sharinginformation with you anymore?
Um, are they being secretiveabout who they spoke to?
Um, those are definitely indicators thatyou should definitely watch out for and
consider if, um, if something's going on.
Uh, and again, If we don't trust peopleand we have that natural inclination,
um, to not want to trust people, thenany slight behavior can be seemed as
(30:12):
secretive maybe if something's off.
So do try to be mindful, try toreflect, you know, as much as
possible on yourself and say, am Ireally being oversensitive right now?
Or is, is my partner's behaviorreally off at this stage, right?
So be reflective as muchas possible, especially.
If you've been hurt in the past,you might be much more sensitive
(30:34):
to changes in your partner.
But when people are being verysecretive, that is definitely a red
flag that you need to look into.
Another red flag, I guess, in, you know,um, to potentially indicate that someone
might be You know, losing interestin you or might be cheating on you
is when they become distant from you.
(30:57):
So, you know, you might have relationalproblems, you might be fighting,
and then eventually your partnerstarts to take distance from you.
And again, taking distanceis a very normal thing to do,
especially if you don't want toget into too many confrontations.
But really, when you feel that yourpartner is becoming emotionally
distant from you, again, that doesn'thave to mean immediately that You,
(31:17):
someone else is cheating, but it coulddefinitely mean that, you know, they're
not feeling attracted to you anymore.
They don't want to be close to you.
And if that continues, then cheatingor being with another person or
maybe falling in love with anotherperson could actually happen.
So those are this kind of, youknow, um, things that I would
definitely think of and consider.
(31:39):
When you see your partners or youevaluate your partner's behavior.
So taking distance is something thatI do definitely think is a red flag.
Again, it doesn't have tomean that they're cheating.
It could also mean that, you know,they're not happy with something with you.
And that should be a moment of reflectionagain to say, well, hey, let's sit down
together, let's have a conversation.
(31:59):
Let's try to figure out what'sgoing on here and don't try to
make the problem even bigger.
or assume stuff.
I guess communication is key in any kindof relationship, so communicate with each
other, you know, sit down and say, Hey,honey, or love, or whoever you speak to.
Um, I just kind of noticed thatwe've, you know, we've been a bit
(32:19):
distant with each other recently.
Um, I don't feel you like I used to.
I feel you're not interestedin what I have to say.
Um, I'm not really feelingthe passion in bed again.
Maybe it's me.
I don't know.
But I would really just love to sitdown with you and talk about it.
And anything that happens, it's okay.
Remember, we're partners.
We love each other.
We've been together so long.
(32:40):
Let's be open about this.
Let's talk.
Um, I think that's a good approach.
And again, it doesn't mean that...
Your partner might not want to talkabout it or might gaslight you and
say, no, you're, you know, it'srubbish what you're talking about.
That's just, you know,completely bullshit.
Um, you know, you're the personthat's, uh, that's the issue and
it's not me or, you know, you're justimagining stuff that is in that sense.
(33:04):
That's a red flag.
If a partner does not wantto sit with you and discuss.
Remember, problems can't always beresolved, not every single problem, but
at least we can learn from each other.
And if your partner does not wantto sit with you and learn from each
other, even though you can't solvea problem, then it is an indicator
that it's not a you problem, but morea them problem or a they problem.
(33:25):
So that's something that Idefinitely would say be mindful of.
Distance and paying attention to that.
So let's talk aboutsome of the green flags.
And again, you know, the stories that weheard today and, you know, trust being
a very big, very big thing for a lot ofpeople, not only for people that have
had great relationships, but just alsofor people that have had some bad past
experiences in today's dating world.
(33:46):
Let's be honest, right?
Toxicity seems to be the currencyof, uh, of the dating world.
Um, but so how do we, how do we moveon and how do we say, well, look,
I'm really to start dating someone.
Um, and I really want to like this person.
I really want to seethe good side of them.
What are some of the things thatwe can then start to evaluate and
say, Hey, that's a green flag.
(34:07):
That's something that weneed to pay attention to.
Well, one of the first green flags I thinkis, and this kind of brings us back to
what we said before, is, is communication.
Can we communicate with each other?
Can we have that conversation and sit downand be frank and open with each other?
And, you know, preferences anddesires, sexual desires change.
(34:27):
And maybe you want to explorethat option with your partner.
But are you able to communicatethat to your partner?
And even if your partner is not okaywith that, that's still okay, because
you have to have that conversation.
Cheating or going around your partner'sback is not the right thing to do.
But if your partner can come to youand say, look, um, you know, I've
(34:47):
been thinking about our relationshiprecently and I feel that, um, some
things inside of me have changed.
Uh, not my love for you, but personally,my interest in other people has developed
or evolved or, um, I've, you know, I,I've, I'm, I'm thinking about maybe
opening up our relationship becauseI'd love to explore this relationship
with you and I don't want to lose you.
(35:09):
You're better having that.
Then having someone who doesn't sayanything to you and cheats behind
your back, at least that gives you theopportunity to have that conversation
with your partner and say, Look, I reallyrespect the fact that you've told me
that and that you're open about that.
Um, and I'm not okay with it,but I'm going to tell you why
that I'm not okay with it.
(35:30):
And then you can find away to deal with that.
Maybe you take a break from each other.
That's also another solution.
But at least you have that conversationto find a potential resolution
that you both feel good with.
Maybe, you know what, you're thinking,I think that's pretty interesting.
I was also thinking aboutspicing up my life with you.
Um, I didn't think about havingthis conversation, but the fact
(35:52):
that you, you did, I'm happy tohave that conversation with you.
Um, and, and let's explore that.
But let me be honest.
I mean, if I don't like it, I'm goingto tell you that I don't like it.
So communication is key.
101.
Communication is so important.
Definitely a green flag.
Uh, in terms of longterm relational success.
(36:12):
Number two, um, your ability to resolveconflict, I think is extremely important.
And I think that's also a green flag.
And remember when we, when we fall in lovewith someone again, talking about dating,
we tend to see the great things aboutthem, you know, Oh, you're so beautiful.
You're so nice.
I love everything about you.
And, you know, everything is so rainbowcolorish or everything is so pink colorish
(36:37):
because life just looks so good to you.
But we also need to take intoconsideration when you actually fall in
love with someone, you also fall in lovewith those aspects of them that they still
need to further grow upon or develop,or their childhood trauma or other
experiences that they had in their lives.
And what, which makes themrespond and a not so great way.
So remember that with every person youbring on board that you actually commit
(37:01):
to or have a relationship with, youbring both the good side as well as the
bad side and, and you as you as well,you also bring that to the other person.
And so how do you.
How do you respond in a certain situationor, you know, how do you deal with
difficult situations and some, somecircumstances you might be really great,
but in some circumstances, your partneror a certain situation might trigger
(37:22):
you or trigger past traumas inside ofyou and your ability to deal with that.
In a relationship is extremely important.
And so if you can say to each other,we're here to be for each other,
we're here to grow together, butwe're also here to help us heal.
I think that's also a really,really healthy way to, to work with
(37:43):
each other in relationships andto know that the other person has
that ability to deal with conflict.
So what are some examples of howto deal with conflict effectively?
Um, being able to know, to identify whenyou get heated or when you get triggered.
And if you are, if you are someonewho is very emotional that you
(38:04):
can say, okay, you know what?
I think I need to walk away for a moment.
And I need to kind of give myself somespace and I'll come back and I'll and
we'll sit together and I'll explain thingsto you and let's diffuse the emotion
and let's get, you know, let's kind ofbring it to the level of assumptions
and discuss what's really going on here.
I think that's a really goodskill set of being able to do
(38:24):
effectively with, um, with conflict.
Another great.
Another example of good conflictmanagement resolution is your ability to,
you know, have an open discussion, tellthe other person what you don't agree
with, um, also be candid about what youwant and what you dislike and to also.
(38:46):
Say that to yourself that we're havingthis conflict because we don't want
to fight with each other, but wewant to find a way to grow together.
So conflict doesn't alwayshave to be a bad thing.
Actually, conflict can be an amazingopportunity to learn more about each
other and to get better with each other.
So if you see conflict as a learningopportunity, I think that's an amazing.
(39:09):
Green flag and is also anamazing skill set to have in
terms of conflict resolution.
So that's what I think thatsecond green flag is being able
to deal with conflict effectively.
The third green flag I wouldsay is being supportive, being
supportive and empathetic.
So being able to read yourpartner and if you see that
(39:31):
your partner has trust issues.
You can, as a partner, can say to theother person, Hey, I can see that,
you know, maybe you don't want to goout too much and you'd rather stay in
and spend more time together that way.
And, um, I've noticed that behaviorin you a couple of times and your
suggestions and what you've been askingfor and also what you don't like to do.
(39:53):
Can you maybe just tell me why that is?
And could you share withme why you feel that way?
So being able to read the other person,communicate to them what you see, what
you hear, what you feel, and that issomething that can show your partner,
wow, you're really listening to me.
You really feel me and youalso, you want to support me.
(40:14):
And part of building trust ishaving positive exchanges with
the other person and then themreciprocating to you and then saying,
wow, my partner really trusts me.
This person is definitely someonedifferent than I had in the past.
I need to give this person, I needto give my partner the chance.
Because I see that he or she isreally showing that empathetic
(40:36):
side and supportive side, Ineed to reciprocate, right?
And, and I think finding, seeing thatand also reciprocating to your partner
in that perspective, when you do seethat they are supportive and empathetic,
is definitely also a green flag.
It's good for relationships,but being able to find that in
your partner, super important.
Right.
So definitely a green flag.
So those were some greenflags and red flags.
(40:58):
I could go on for ages about green flagsand red flags, especially when it comes
to cheating and relationship and dating.
Um, so yeah, my book is coming out,uh, at the beginning of next year.
Um, and of course, these podcastsare here to kind of facilitate those
insights and, you know, bring more,um, voices of my, of my followers.
And more of my insights and experiencesinto the table to kind of discuss
(41:22):
these topics that are often just kindof taken for granted or, you know,
or very hard to kind of think ofwhen we're actually in that moment of
experiencing, in this case, cheating.
So hopefully this podcast today wasable to give you a perspective, a
broader perspective to what cheatingis and how, what different forms are
cheating and the impact that cheatingcan have on you, but hopefully today's
(41:44):
insights can help you to reflect.
Uh, on yourself and howyou evaluate other people.
Um, and also how you can start trustingother people more, even if you've
been in bad relationships in the past.
It's hard to trust, you know what theysay, it takes years to build trust
and it can take a second to break it.
But I hope that today's conversation,for those people who are listening
(42:06):
that have been cheated on, that youfeel slightly more confident today
to rethink about being with someoneand also to look at their good sides.
Try to look for their...
And for those people that cheat orhave cheated or plan to cheat, maybe
even after listening, not afterlistening this, but are planning
(42:27):
to cheat because they were planningto do something today or tomorrow.
Just think about the consequencesthat that cheating has.
10 minutes, 20 minutes,30 minutes of pleasure.
It goes, you know, might not be worththe pain that you will have, the pain
you will cause the other person andthe people surrounding them as well.
So thanks for listening and tuning intoday and definitely stay tuned for more
(42:51):
podcasts on relationships and datingand of course red flags and green flags.
And I also like to say to those peoplewho are not following me yet on Instagram
or on Tik TOK, uh, my, um, Instagramreel is modern day psychologists.
So modern day psychologist or Dr.
Ali Fennec and on Tik TOK, I amalso modern day psychologist or Dr.
(43:12):
Tik TOK.
And if you'd like to be featured in oneof my next episodes, um, uh, or please do
pay attention to the prompts that I sendout through my stories, because I'd love
to hear from you and embed your stories.
Into my podcast, so we canreflect more on your own personal
experiences, um, moving forward.
Thank you so much again and tunein for my next podcast coming soon.
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