The Night I Stopped Pretending

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Introduction

Have you ever felt trapped in a relationship that looked perfect on the outside but was suffocating behind closed doors? In this episode, Michelle shares her courageous journey from hiding abuse within the walls of the church to stepping into freedom, healing, and a mission to help other women recognize when difficult crosses into destructive. If you’ve ever questioned whether your struggles in marriage were just normal hardships or something more harmful, Michelle’s story will provide clarity, validation, and hope.

Key Takeaways

1. Recognizing Red Flags in Christian Courtship Michelle reflects on the early warning signs she overlooked during dating. While her relationship seemed like a picture-perfect Christian courtship, subtle yet significant issues surfaced: boundary-pushing, controlling tendencies, and an inability to respect her differing opinions. If a man says one thing but does another—especially when it comes to physical boundaries—that’s a serious character concern. A man’s integrity matters more than his words.

2. When Submission Becomes Oppression Michelle shares how scripture was twisted in her marriage, particularly regarding intimacy. Instead of mutual love and respect, biblical teachings were weaponized to demand compliance. She felt like an object rather than a cherished wife. This distortion of faith kept her stuck, believing she had to endure rather than address the toxic dynamic.

3. The Loneliness of an Unseen Battle Perhaps one of the most heartbreaking moments Michelle describes is standing alone in the kitchen late at night, feeling used and unseen, while her husband slept peacefully. She cried out to God, struggling to reconcile her suffering with the belief that divorce was not an option. Her prayers shifted over time—from asking ‘How long, O Lord?’ to pleading for rescue.

4. When Christian Marriage Advice Keeps You Trapped Books like Love and Respect made Michelle believe that if she just respected her husband enough, things would change. But no amount of respect can fix a heart unwilling to change. In a healthy marriage, both partners seek growth, repentance, and mutual love. The problem isn’t just about how a wife behaves—it’s about whether both people are truly honoring God in their marriage.

5. Isolation and Control: A Subtle Form of Abuse Michelle’s husband worked to isolate her from friends by criticizing their parenting or questioning their submission. She initially believed his concerns, but over time, she realized it was a tactic to keep her dependent. Meanwhile, he maintained his own friendships, often mentoring men and encouraging their wives to submit, reinforcing harmful dynamics.

6. The Breaking Point: When Abuse Turns Physical Michelle recounts the night her husband physically removed her from their car and abandoned her miles from home. Despite years of emotional and spiritual abuse, this moment shattered her sense of security. Yet, even then, she felt trapped, unsure of where to go or whom to tell. The shame of staying weighed on her, but she also feared the unknown.

7. A Divine Wake-Up Call In 2023, Michelle experienced a powerful moment with God—a dream, a whispered name, and a podcast episode that spoke directly to her situation. This was her turning point. She finally recognized that her marriage wasn’t just difficult; it was destructive. With courage, she sought help, setting boundaries and eventually moving out when it became clear her husband was unwilling to change.

8. Finding Strength and Support in Conquer As Michelle searched for answers, she discovered Leslie Vernick through a podcast with Lysa Terkeurst. She dove deep into Leslie’s teachings, and after joining the Conquer group, found