September 13, 2025 • 15 mins
Ever feel trapped in a toxic cycle with a parent where you lose yourself completely? After years of arguments and emotional exhaustion, I made the hardest decision of my life—going no contact with my dad.
This isn’t about not loving them or refusing to forgive. It’s about creating space to discover who you are when you’re not constantly adjusting to someone else’s needs and emotions.
In this vulnerable episode, I share the guilt, family pressure, and the one thing that completely surprised me after 6 years of no contact.
If you’re considering family estrangement or struggling with toxic family dynamics, this is for you.
What you’ll discover:
- Why guilt is actually a protective function
- How to handle family reactions while maintaining boundaries (including what we can say)
- The relationship metaphor that changed everything
- Signs you’ve lost yourself in a toxic family dynamic
Your mental health matters. Sometimes choosing yourself over toxic patterns is the most loving thing you can do.
👇 Share your experience with difficult family relationships below—you’re not alone in this journey.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
hey guys, welcome to this episodeof The Self-Development Collective.
In this episode, we're gonnabe talking about considering
going no contact with a parent.
So if you're feeling guilty oroverwhelmed by this decision,
then this video is for you.
This is a decision that I made myself,and I feel like this is a video that
I wish that I would've come acrosswhen I was making this decision.
I think it would've helped me alot just to hear someone else's
(00:22):
experience around it and to normalize,the guilt that can come with.
Making this choice.
So if this is you, and this is somethingwhether you've made this decision
or you're about to, or if you knowsomeone that's about to make this
decision or they might have a trickyrelationship, please send this to them.
This is something that Igenuinely wish that I had had.
I think it would've made the processfor me a lot easier, and I think it
would've supported me a lot in howmuch I struggled with the guilt.
(00:46):
Now in this episode, I'm gonna besharing the things that I've learned,
but also the one thing that I havebeen surprised with after six years
of going no contact with a parent.
just to give you a bit of backgroundaround no contact with a parent, the
reason that I made this decision wasa phone call that I had with my dad.
basically, my dad and I were having.
A lot of arguments.
(01:06):
We were really struggling.
I felt as though our relationshipwas making both of us really unhappy.
it was getting really toxic.
I felt like I was draggingeveryone else into the cycle of it.
We would have arguments where mybrother or my mom had to step in
between us, and it became a constantargument that would escalate many times.
Every time we saw each other.
So that was what prompted me togo down the path of no contact.
(01:30):
if I have to pinpoint it to onemoment where I thought this is really
necessary, it was when I was talkingto my dad We just had an argument.
I don't remember what about.
my dad got really distressed and eventhinking about it, I genuinely, feel
quite sad because I just think that thedistress that I remember the feeling,
and I think that's the thing, right?
In moments we tend to rememberfeelings more than anything else.
(01:52):
he was quite distressed.
He was saying how he felt like I'dbeen on his back for a couple of years.
I think there was truth to that becausewe were both arguing so much about.
So many things.
so I can understand why he felt that way.
I think that was the moment Irealized something had to change.
That it had to be different, thatwe couldn't keep going this way.
there were two main things, was thathow distressed he was, but also at
(02:12):
the fact that it really was becomingtoxic for everyone around me.
I just kept feeling like we keptgetting stuck in the same cycle.
So a metaphor that's really helped me,and I wanna bring to you before we get
into this, is seeing this concept, Asthe family member you're thinking of the
challenge or the reason we might decideto go no contact is when the relationship
(02:34):
has become more other orientated.
So it's other, it's orientatedtowards the other person.
It tends to become about theirneeds, their feelings, their
situations, what happens is,it's like a Venn diagram, right?
The two circles that overlapslowly, slowly as we get used to.
You know, trying to adjust totheir needs, what they want, and
it becomes more them orientated.
The circles overlap and then we no longerknow where we start and end because in
(02:59):
trying to maintain that relationship,we've adjusted to their wants, their
needs, we are used to doing that.
we lose sight of our needs, our wants,our boundaries, our responsibilities,
what we should and shouldn'tbe taking accountability for.
in Those tricky relationships.
It becomes like, it's almost like webecome the other person and then we no
longer can identify our sense of self.
So I think that's really importantto remember in this process because
(03:22):
that's where we're at and what we'retrying to achieve the overlap where
we know someone's wants, we knowsomeone's needs, we know ours and
the relationship has compromised.
But also we're aware ofwhere we start and end.
I think that's, the biggest thing.
when it comes to these types ofrelationships or considering no
contact, for me, it was a matterof the circles overlapping.
I could no longer see.
Where he finished and I started, I didn'teven know what my wants and needs were.
(03:45):
I had no real sense of self.
and I was really unhappy.
So I think that's the biggest thing.
when it comes to this, metaphor,the idea, I love to think about it.
That's really helped me let's gothrough some of the things that might
happen, or experiences we might have.
the first one is definitely guilt.
Guilt comes up, and I think it'snatural to feel guilty this is
something that I love about IFS,something that I've learned over time.
(04:06):
guilt is common because when weare other orientated, decisions
that become more self orientated.
So again, taking that space,deciding to go no contact.
We're so used to being other orientatedthat when we start to shift to more
self orientated thinking about ourself,considering ourself in decision making,
it can feel selfish because we've spent somuch time being selfless, and I think that
(04:28):
selfishness or that sense of selfishnesscan come up as a protective function,
Like signal, avoid, because that'swhat we've needed to maintain That
relationship within those two circlesare overlapping, and I think, again,
guilt is something to work with.
I think it's really easy forpeople to either say, you should
feel guilty or you shouldn't.
But the reality is that guiltcomes with this decision,
(04:50):
Function, I think is what saved me.
Knowing that it's, something protective.
It's coming in to try andget me to maintain connection
with someone important to me.
And over time, we wire ourselves andlearn how to function in relationships
that are the best for the relationship.
So they might not serve us, butthey serve the relationship.
that's something I realizedwhen I made this decision.
(05:11):
I was learning that.
I felt selfish because I was soused to living in the overlap,
looking at other people and theirneeds versus being mindful of what
I wanted in that relationship.
So it.
Made sense that I felt selfish.
It was something new to me.
But also I think that feeling ofselfishness is a protective function,
a feeling that comes in to stop usfrom doing it because I think it knows
(05:34):
the disconnection that it can causefrom previous things or experiences
Like for example, I knew that sometimesif I said no, I would get disconnection
So slowly over time you learn to comply.
You learn not to say no.
And then it's like the minute youstart to, it goes against what
we know to maintain connection.
the part of us that feels selfishwill come up and it will alert us and
(05:54):
be like, we shouldn't be doing this.
This is selfish and it'll say thatso that we can maintain connection.
And so I think understanding that, knowingthat this is a different way of going
about relationships and being aware that.
Feeling selfish will comeup, is part of the journey.
And I think just having understandingand context as to why it's doing that
has been really helpful for me as well.
Now let's talk about familybecause that is such a tricky one.
(06:17):
What happens if the concern wehave is what our family will say?
What our family will think,what our family might do?
And I've done so much reading infamily therapy and it was really
helpful to help me understand that.
Number one, when we make a decision,like no contact, it changes the
family system, it changes the way thefamily is used to operating and it
can throw people out, right again.
(06:39):
When my dad and I were not on thebest of terms, like if I didn't come
to a family function, it threw, theexpectations so let's talk about family.
Let's talk about the reaction that familywill have when we decide to go no contact.
And the thing is, so many familymembers are well intentioned, right?
They want us to maintain thatconnection within the family.
They want the family to stay together.
(06:59):
I know that was a value and isstill a value that my family
have, and they're so amazing.
You know, it's a great value, but Ithink we have to be mindful of when
we are choosing other people's valuesor values of the family because it's
a tradition or something we feel weshould, versus whether that value is
really working for us in the example.
Right.
So I think for me, I understood why myfamily were having issues with the choice.
(07:23):
I got a lot of feedback around.
You know, it's your parent.
I got a lot of feedback around,you know, don't you feel bad?
the biggest one I got was,you know, you should forgive.
and I think that the biggest thingthat I realized over time, right?
It doesn't mean that we don't love them.
It doesn't mean that wehaven't forgiven them.
I think it meant that I neededspace to figure out who I was,
that I had to work through a lotof anger, a lot of resentment.
(07:45):
figure out my choices.
And the thing is with family, they maynot always understand that, and I think
that is okay, that it's not something, andagain, this is about those circles, right?
Knowing what we need to fix versuswhat we need to just allow and sit
with and then set the boundaries.
So something that I wouldoften say to my family.
You know what?
I get it.
I completely get why you'reupset with his choice.
(08:06):
I completely get why you would wantus to go back to the way it was.
I completely get it.
But I feel like this is thebest decision for me right now.
And I think that the important part ofthis statement is you're acknowledging
your family's sadness, disappointment,frustration, anger, but then you're
still maintaining your boundary.
And I think that honestly.
That has been a really supportive phrasefor me and just a supportive formula
(08:29):
in and of itself, acknowledging theirfeelings whilst maintaining your boundary.
I feel like this is the best decisionfor me right now, It's not about over
justifying, I know I've done that as well.
But I think that knowing whatfamily are gonna say, knowing it
interrupts the family system, itinterrupts how the family runs, and
that makes sense, it's a change ofthe way the family is now running.
(08:50):
I know for me it didchange the vibe with family
I think two cultural factorscome into play right.
I think it's a thing of family first.
That can be a thing thatcomes into it as well.
So being mindful of what familyare going to say and prepping
something to say back is important.
it can be really helpful in momentswhere we start to get frustrated.
Knowing when to walk away.
I've had to walk away from someconversations because it just hasn't
(09:12):
landed, the biggest thing when it comes tofamily is knowing that even if they think
it's not the right decision, it doesn'tmean it's not the right decision for you.
Even though they struggle with it, itdoesn't mean your decision needs to
change if you feel it's right for you.
I am six in and I feel like thishas been a decision that supported
me in where I wanna go in life.
I keep reflecting on the fact like if Ihad listened, felt bad, done differently,
(09:36):
about it, or gone with those feelings of,maybe I shouldn't be doing this, then my
life would look a lot different right now.
I just wanted to say that in case you'reat a point where you have families saying
things and you wonder will I regret this?
honestly, I haven't.
So, yeah, that's something to considerand again, to know what to say when
your family come to you, and beingaware of what those conversations might
(09:57):
look like before you walk in as well.
can be helpful too.
Now something to consider is whynot try smaller boundaries first?
before going no contact, or, you know,really cutting those emotional ties, at
least for the time or making more space.
And to be honest with you.
Boundaries is something that I tried.
It was something that I reallygave, like, gave a go at, and I
found that the no was escalating.
(10:18):
The arguments that we had, you know, forexample, I remember once he asked me to
open his mail, and asked what somethingwas about I said it wasn't my mail and
I wasn't gonna open it, and there was.
Escalation.
And granted, I can reflectnow and say that my tone was
a bit defensive out of fear.
saying no was really new to me.
I did have a therapist then, but I didn'tsee her often, so I was still trying
to figure it out and work through that.
(10:39):
So something I will say is if youare here, there's a likelihood
that the boundaries you haveset haven't worked right.
When I haven't been listened to, it's beenreally hard to not get triggered by that.
now I can be in a space with my dad,and not be triggered by it because
I know my boundaries and that's it.
Whereas three years in, I probablywould not have been, I, there was no
way, there was no way I could do that.
(11:00):
Even at the beginning I couldn't.
with boundaries, it's reallyknowing where you are at.
Sometimes you can set boundaries,know that they might not be.
fully heard, but you can stillsort of maintain them and maintain
your reaction and work on that.
Other times you might feel likesetting boundaries is just not working.
it's not being heard,it's not being respected.
they might not be understood,so that's a tricky one.
(11:21):
But if you feel like theboundaries are still escalating.
The exact things that you're tryingto avoid in that relationship
then I think this is a reasonwhy we go no contact, right?
setting boundaries can help and Ithink it's definitely worth a try.
It's something that I did myself.
each individual situation isdifferent, but I know for me that the
boundaries were escalating We werestill getting stuck in that cycle.
(11:41):
So I made the decision to thenfurther it by choosing no contact.
So let's go to the final thing.
Six years in no contact.
What is the biggest thing that I have Iam surprised at how much this choice has
led to me growing, if we go back to theidea of the diagrams, Creating that space.
(12:02):
if you choose not to have someonein your life, like obviously
there's two separate circles, right?
Because you're not overlapping.
There's no relationship there.
I think that in the middle of thatspace has been me being able to
grow, to really get firm on where Istart and where others end in all my
relationships this has been one of thehardest, most challenging decisions
(12:23):
I've made, but so far, the most right.
Decision for me.
at the end of the day, makingthis choice is a difficult one.
And I think we choose it because we'restruggling to find our sense of self.
And if this is something that youneed and you feel like that space is
gonna find that for you, I think it'sa really important choice to make.
For yourself.
And that's something that I wish someonehad said to me early on, rather than,
(12:46):
again, I felt like I was surrounded bya lot of, but he's, but that's a parent.
don't you feel bad?
set some boundaries.
There was a lot of talkaround, What I was doing wrong.
but there wasn't a lot of understandingaround why I was making this choice.
And so another thing to remember withfamily as well is they might not ever get
to that level of understanding of why youchoose something, but you might know it.
And that is okay.
(13:07):
I wish someone had said that tome as well because I felt like a
really bad person for a long time.
I felt like the problem fora really long time, whereas
now six years in, I feel like.
Honestly, a little empowered, but inthe sense that I'm very clear on what
I will and won't allow in my life.
that's because of this choice.
That's because of everything my parenthas taught me as well from the experience
(13:28):
and what I've learned from the experience.
But without that space, without movingthose two circles, I don't know if I
would've ever gotten there found thatlevel of contentment in myself and
ever really know myself well enough.
Honestly, six years in, I still feellike I would make the same decision.
I wouldn't change it.
I would still go the same way as I have.
I am genuinely, proud of myselffor making a very difficult choice
(13:52):
with what felt like very littleunderstanding or support around it,
mainly when I first made the decision.
So I hope that this episodehas been helpful for you.
if you know someone that.
might find this helpful, pleasesend this to them because it's
not an easy choice to make.
I'm not saying that thischoice is for everybody.
I can only speak for my own experience.
it has been a choice that has served me.
(14:12):
the trickiest thing about distance, aboutno contact is it gets such a bad rap.
It sounds negative, but whathappens if, what comes from it?
Is your own growth, yourown learning, your own life.
I think that's what happened for me.
it also taught me that other people'sresponses to that are a reflection of
their wants, their needs, their values,.
This is just an understanding thatsometimes people's responses, come from
(14:35):
where other people are at, rather thana reflection of what we might need.
So the only person that can decidewhat you need in this moment if we
really listen to ourselves, is us.
this is my reflection fromsix years of this decision.
And I think that's.
So important to remember and Iwish someone had said that to me.
So thank you so much for listening.
I hope that you found this video helpful.
(14:56):
Comment below, what's something that youthought about that helped you to maintain
no contact or something that someone said.
Any great advice or supportive advicethat you got or anything that you
felt helpful from the video thatmight help you make your choice?
I'd love to know.
I still love to hear other people'sexperiences on this because I don't
have many people I know that have hadthese experiences or made this choice.
(15:18):
So hearing it is just, great.
thank you so much for listening andI'll catch you in the next episode.
hey guys, welcome to this episodeof The Self-Development Collective.
In this episode, we're gonnabe talking about considering
going no contact with a parent.
So if you're feeling guilty oroverwhelmed by this decision,
then this video is for you.
This is a decision that I made myself,and I feel like this is a video that
I wish that I would've come acrosswhen I was making this decision.
I think it would've helped me alot just to hear someone else's
(00:22):
experience around it and to normalize,the guilt that can come with.
Making this choice.
So if this is you, and this is somethingwhether you've made this decision
or you're about to, or if you knowsomeone that's about to make this
decision or they might have a trickyrelationship, please send this to them.
This is something that Igenuinely wish that I had had.
I think it would've made the processfor me a lot easier, and I think it
would've supported me a lot in howmuch I struggled with the guilt.
(00:46):
Now in this episode, I'm gonna besharing the things that I've learned,
but also the one thing that I havebeen surprised with after six years
of going no contact with a parent.
just to give you a bit of backgroundaround no contact with a parent, the
reason that I made this decision wasa phone call that I had with my dad.
basically, my dad and I were having.
A lot of arguments.
(01:06):
We were really struggling.
I felt as though our relationshipwas making both of us really unhappy.
it was getting really toxic.
I felt like I was draggingeveryone else into the cycle of it.
We would have arguments where mybrother or my mom had to step in
between us, and it became a constantargument that would escalate many times.
Every time we saw each other.
So that was what prompted me togo down the path of no contact.
(01:30):
if I have to pinpoint it to onemoment where I thought this is really
necessary, it was when I was talkingto my dad We just had an argument.
I don't remember what about.
my dad got really distressed and eventhinking about it, I genuinely, feel
quite sad because I just think that thedistress that I remember the feeling,
and I think that's the thing, right?
In moments we tend to rememberfeelings more than anything else.
(01:52):
he was quite distressed.
He was saying how he felt like I'dbeen on his back for a couple of years.
I think there was truth to that becausewe were both arguing so much about.
So many things.
so I can understand why he felt that way.
I think that was the moment Irealized something had to change.
That it had to be different, thatwe couldn't keep going this way.
there were two main things, was thathow distressed he was, but also at
(02:12):
the fact that it really was becomingtoxic for everyone around me.
I just kept feeling like we keptgetting stuck in the same cycle.
So a metaphor that's really helped me,and I wanna bring to you before we get
into this, is seeing this concept, Asthe family member you're thinking of the
challenge or the reason we might decideto go no contact is when the relationship
(02:34):
has become more other orientated.
So it's other, it's orientatedtowards the other person.
It tends to become about theirneeds, their feelings, their
situations, what happens is,it's like a Venn diagram, right?
The two circles that overlapslowly, slowly as we get used to.
You know, trying to adjust totheir needs, what they want, and
it becomes more them orientated.
The circles overlap and then we no longerknow where we start and end because in
(02:59):
trying to maintain that relationship,we've adjusted to their wants, their
needs, we are used to doing that.
we lose sight of our needs, our wants,our boundaries, our responsibilities,
what we should and shouldn'tbe taking accountability for.
in Those tricky relationships.
It becomes like, it's almost like webecome the other person and then we no
longer can identify our sense of self.
So I think that's really importantto remember in this process because
(03:22):
that's where we're at and what we'retrying to achieve the overlap where
we know someone's wants, we knowsomeone's needs, we know ours and
the relationship has compromised.
But also we're aware ofwhere we start and end.
I think that's, the biggest thing.
when it comes to these types ofrelationships or considering no
contact, for me, it was a matterof the circles overlapping.
I could no longer see.
Where he finished and I started, I didn'teven know what my wants and needs were.
(03:45):
I had no real sense of self.
and I was really unhappy.
So I think that's the biggest thing.
when it comes to this, metaphor,the idea, I love to think about it.
That's really helped me let's gothrough some of the things that might
happen, or experiences we might have.
the first one is definitely guilt.
Guilt comes up, and I think it'snatural to feel guilty this is
something that I love about IFS,something that I've learned over time.
(04:06):
guilt is common because when weare other orientated, decisions
that become more self orientated.
So again, taking that space,deciding to go no contact.
We're so used to being other orientatedthat when we start to shift to more
self orientated thinking about ourself,considering ourself in decision making,
it can feel selfish because we've spent somuch time being selfless, and I think that
(04:28):
selfishness or that sense of selfishnesscan come up as a protective function,
Like signal, avoid, because that'swhat we've needed to maintain That
relationship within those two circlesare overlapping, and I think, again,
guilt is something to work with.
I think it's really easy forpeople to either say, you should
feel guilty or you shouldn't.
But the reality is that guiltcomes with this decision,
(04:50):
Function, I think is what saved me.
Knowing that it's, something protective.
It's coming in to try andget me to maintain connection
with someone important to me.
And over time, we wire ourselves andlearn how to function in relationships
that are the best for the relationship.
So they might not serve us, butthey serve the relationship.
that's something I realizedwhen I made this decision.
(05:11):
I was learning that.
I felt selfish because I was soused to living in the overlap,
looking at other people and theirneeds versus being mindful of what
I wanted in that relationship.
So it.
Made sense that I felt selfish.
It was something new to me.
But also I think that feeling ofselfishness is a protective function,
a feeling that comes in to stop usfrom doing it because I think it knows
(05:34):
the disconnection that it can causefrom previous things or experiences
Like for example, I knew that sometimesif I said no, I would get disconnection
So slowly over time you learn to comply.
You learn not to say no.
And then it's like the minute youstart to, it goes against what
we know to maintain connection.
the part of us that feels selfishwill come up and it will alert us and
(05:54):
be like, we shouldn't be doing this.
This is selfish and it'll say thatso that we can maintain connection.
And so I think understanding that, knowingthat this is a different way of going
about relationships and being aware that.
Feeling selfish will comeup, is part of the journey.
And I think just having understandingand context as to why it's doing that
has been really helpful for me as well.
Now let's talk about familybecause that is such a tricky one.
(06:17):
What happens if the concern wehave is what our family will say?
What our family will think,what our family might do?
And I've done so much reading infamily therapy and it was really
helpful to help me understand that.
Number one, when we make a decision,like no contact, it changes the
family system, it changes the way thefamily is used to operating and it
can throw people out, right again.
(06:39):
When my dad and I were not on thebest of terms, like if I didn't come
to a family function, it threw, theexpectations so let's talk about family.
Let's talk about the reaction that familywill have when we decide to go no contact.
And the thing is, so many familymembers are well intentioned, right?
They want us to maintain thatconnection within the family.
They want the family to stay together.
(06:59):
I know that was a value and isstill a value that my family
have, and they're so amazing.
You know, it's a great value, but Ithink we have to be mindful of when
we are choosing other people's valuesor values of the family because it's
a tradition or something we feel weshould, versus whether that value is
really working for us in the example.
Right.
So I think for me, I understood why myfamily were having issues with the choice.
(07:23):
I got a lot of feedback around.
You know, it's your parent.
I got a lot of feedback around,you know, don't you feel bad?
the biggest one I got was,you know, you should forgive.
and I think that the biggest thingthat I realized over time, right?
It doesn't mean that we don't love them.
It doesn't mean that wehaven't forgiven them.
I think it meant that I neededspace to figure out who I was,
that I had to work through a lotof anger, a lot of resentment.
(07:45):
figure out my choices.
And the thing is with family, they maynot always understand that, and I think
that is okay, that it's not something, andagain, this is about those circles, right?
Knowing what we need to fix versuswhat we need to just allow and sit
with and then set the boundaries.
So something that I wouldoften say to my family.
You know what?
I get it.
I completely get why you'reupset with his choice.
(08:06):
I completely get why you would wantus to go back to the way it was.
I completely get it.
But I feel like this is thebest decision for me right now.
And I think that the important part ofthis statement is you're acknowledging
your family's sadness, disappointment,frustration, anger, but then you're
still maintaining your boundary.
And I think that honestly.
That has been a really supportive phrasefor me and just a supportive formula
(08:29):
in and of itself, acknowledging theirfeelings whilst maintaining your boundary.
I feel like this is the best decisionfor me right now, It's not about over
justifying, I know I've done that as well.
But I think that knowing whatfamily are gonna say, knowing it
interrupts the family system, itinterrupts how the family runs, and
that makes sense, it's a change ofthe way the family is now running.
(08:50):
I know for me it didchange the vibe with family
I think two cultural factorscome into play right.
I think it's a thing of family first.
That can be a thing thatcomes into it as well.
So being mindful of what familyare going to say and prepping
something to say back is important.
it can be really helpful in momentswhere we start to get frustrated.
Knowing when to walk away.
I've had to walk away from someconversations because it just hasn't
(09:12):
landed, the biggest thing when it comes tofamily is knowing that even if they think
it's not the right decision, it doesn'tmean it's not the right decision for you.
Even though they struggle with it, itdoesn't mean your decision needs to
change if you feel it's right for you.
I am six in and I feel like thishas been a decision that supported
me in where I wanna go in life.
I keep reflecting on the fact like if Ihad listened, felt bad, done differently,
(09:36):
about it, or gone with those feelings of,maybe I shouldn't be doing this, then my
life would look a lot different right now.
I just wanted to say that in case you'reat a point where you have families saying
things and you wonder will I regret this?
honestly, I haven't.
So, yeah, that's something to considerand again, to know what to say when
your family come to you, and beingaware of what those conversations might
(09:57):
look like before you walk in as well.
can be helpful too.
Now something to consider is whynot try smaller boundaries first?
before going no contact, or, you know,really cutting those emotional ties, at
least for the time or making more space.
And to be honest with you.
Boundaries is something that I tried.
It was something that I reallygave, like, gave a go at, and I
found that the no was escalating.
(10:18):
The arguments that we had, you know, forexample, I remember once he asked me to
open his mail, and asked what somethingwas about I said it wasn't my mail and
I wasn't gonna open it, and there was.
Escalation.
And granted, I can reflectnow and say that my tone was
a bit defensive out of fear.
saying no was really new to me.
I did have a therapist then, but I didn'tsee her often, so I was still trying
to figure it out and work through that.
(10:39):
So something I will say is if youare here, there's a likelihood
that the boundaries you haveset haven't worked right.
When I haven't been listened to, it's beenreally hard to not get triggered by that.
now I can be in a space with my dad,and not be triggered by it because
I know my boundaries and that's it.
Whereas three years in, I probablywould not have been, I, there was no
way, there was no way I could do that.
(11:00):
Even at the beginning I couldn't.
with boundaries, it's reallyknowing where you are at.
Sometimes you can set boundaries,know that they might not be.
fully heard, but you can stillsort of maintain them and maintain
your reaction and work on that.
Other times you might feel likesetting boundaries is just not working.
it's not being heard,it's not being respected.
they might not be understood,so that's a tricky one.
(11:21):
But if you feel like theboundaries are still escalating.
The exact things that you're tryingto avoid in that relationship
then I think this is a reasonwhy we go no contact, right?
setting boundaries can help and Ithink it's definitely worth a try.
It's something that I did myself.
each individual situation isdifferent, but I know for me that the
boundaries were escalating We werestill getting stuck in that cycle.
(11:41):
So I made the decision to thenfurther it by choosing no contact.
So let's go to the final thing.
Six years in no contact.
What is the biggest thing that I have Iam surprised at how much this choice has
led to me growing, if we go back to theidea of the diagrams, Creating that space.
(12:02):
if you choose not to have someonein your life, like obviously
there's two separate circles, right?
Because you're not overlapping.
There's no relationship there.
I think that in the middle of thatspace has been me being able to
grow, to really get firm on where Istart and where others end in all my
relationships this has been one of thehardest, most challenging decisions
(12:23):
I've made, but so far, the most right.
Decision for me.
at the end of the day, makingthis choice is a difficult one.
And I think we choose it because we'restruggling to find our sense of self.
And if this is something that youneed and you feel like that space is
gonna find that for you, I think it'sa really important choice to make.
For yourself.
And that's something that I wish someonehad said to me early on, rather than,
(12:46):
again, I felt like I was surrounded bya lot of, but he's, but that's a parent.
don't you feel bad?
set some boundaries.
There was a lot of talkaround, What I was doing wrong.
but there wasn't a lot of understandingaround why I was making this choice.
And so another thing to remember withfamily as well is they might not ever get
to that level of understanding of why youchoose something, but you might know it.
And that is okay.
(13:07):
I wish someone had said that tome as well because I felt like a
really bad person for a long time.
I felt like the problem fora really long time, whereas
now six years in, I feel like.
Honestly, a little empowered, but inthe sense that I'm very clear on what
I will and won't allow in my life.
that's because of this choice.
That's because of everything my parenthas taught me as well from the experience
(13:28):
and what I've learned from the experience.
But without that space, without movingthose two circles, I don't know if I
would've ever gotten there found thatlevel of contentment in myself and
ever really know myself well enough.
Honestly, six years in, I still feellike I would make the same decision.
I wouldn't change it.
I would still go the same way as I have.
I am genuinely, proud of myselffor making a very difficult choice
(13:52):
with what felt like very littleunderstanding or support around it,
mainly when I first made the decision.
So I hope that this episodehas been helpful for you.
if you know someone that.
might find this helpful, pleasesend this to them because it's
not an easy choice to make.
I'm not saying that thischoice is for everybody.
I can only speak for my own experience.
it has been a choice that has served me.
(14:12):
the trickiest thing about distance, aboutno contact is it gets such a bad rap.
It sounds negative, but whathappens if, what comes from it?
Is your own growth, yourown learning, your own life.
I think that's what happened for me.
it also taught me that other people'sresponses to that are a reflection of
their wants, their needs, their values,.
This is just an understanding thatsometimes people's responses, come from
(14:35):
where other people are at, rather thana reflection of what we might need.
So the only person that can decidewhat you need in this moment if we
really listen to ourselves, is us.
this is my reflection fromsix years of this decision.
And I think that's.
So important to remember and Iwish someone had said that to me.
So thank you so much for listening.
I hope that you found this video helpful.
(14:56):
Comment below, what's something that youthought about that helped you to maintain
no contact or something that someone said.
Any great advice or supportive advicethat you got or anything that you
felt helpful from the video thatmight help you make your choice?
I'd love to know.
I still love to hear other people'sexperiences on this because I don't
have many people I know that have hadthese experiences or made this choice.
(15:18):
So hearing it is just, great.
thank you so much for listening andI'll catch you in the next episode.
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