August 16, 2025 • 16 mins
Grief & Milestones/Celebrations // How I Cope & What I’ve Learned
Grief can feel especially heavy during milestones and celebrations. Whether it’s a birthday, wedding, anniversary, or holiday, these moments often highlight our loved one and our grief even more.
In this episode, I share my own experience of navigating grief during my daughter’s first birthday and the insights I’ve found through The Grieving Brain by Mary-Frances O’Connor. Her research on how the brain processes grief helped me understand why milestones make grief feel so raw—and why it’s normal for these moments to trigger waves of sadness.
We’ll explore:
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Why milestones and celebrations intensify grief
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How the brain “maps” loved ones who are no longer here
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Why acceptance isn’t the goal—integration is
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What I’ve learned about coping with grief during milestones
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Gentle practices that help me care for myself in these tender moments
If you’ve ever wondered how to deal with grief and loss of a loved one during big life events, this episode offers compassion, clarity, and gentle reminders that you’re not alone.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:01):
Hi there.
My name is Giulia, and welcome tothe Self-Development Collective.
Here we explore personal developmentin a way that honors all parts of
ourselves, including the tricky parts.
I share genuine stories andreflections mixed with ideas from
psychotherapy and self-developmentto help us figure out how to live
more authentically and build deeperconnections with ourselves and others.
(00:21):
I am so excited to have you here.
Hey guys, and welcome to this episodeof The Self-Development Collective.
So in this episode, we're going to bebe talking about grief, milestones,
events, and why, or like an explanationI found really helpful in understanding.
Why milestones and events in griefwith grief can be so challenging?
(00:44):
the thought that comes to mindis my daughter's first birthday,
which was two years ago now.
and I remember it was likea very anxiety fueled day.
I felt off, I didn't feel right.
I felt very unsettled.
you know, when you're at that, vergeof breaking down, like breaking down
into tears and you just sort of keep.
At that edge.
(01:04):
I felt like that all day.
And then eventually I had a family membercoming to talk to me just in general,
and I burst into tears and eventuallywas just like, I miss him so much.
He's not here.
This is such a big milestone, and Ithink with milestone celebrations, things
where everybody's in the room, people arevisiting, you know, it's such a big thing.
(01:27):
Those times are so much harder, and Iwant to talk about a reason why that
is today that really helped me tounderstand how the brain works with grief.
Now, this is from the book, the GrievingBrain By Mary Francis O'Connor, and
she's a neuroscientist that actuallystudied what grief can do to the brain.
Now, I only read half of it becauseif I'm being completely honest with
(01:47):
you, sometimes I think reading griefbooks is a little bit too much.
I still tend to stay away from.
Things that are like overly heavywith grief, for example, like movies
where someone's brother's passedaway or a male character has cancer.
I tend to stay away from those justbecause I know that they can still
to this day, you know, six, sixand a half years in nearly seven
(02:09):
years, can be triggering for me.
So, okay,
so one of the key things that I learnedfrom this book is that, you know, our
brain tracks where our loved ones arein space and time, and the whole idea is
if someone's not right in front of us,our brain still knows where they are.
Sort of like, for example, right nowI know that my mom's at my house, my
son's there, my daughter's at kinder,my husband's at work, and I can sort
(02:33):
of gather where they are and map them.
And the tricky part with that iswhen someone is not right in front
of us, our brain maps, our brainthinks of where they could be and
just kind of goes off that assumption.
So I think the thing like learningthis for me was game changing because
I understood that when I was in aroom and it was like my daughter's
first birthday where everybody thatI knew was there, or when it's a
(02:54):
celebration or a milestone, and again,the people I love are in the same room.
Our brain again, is mappingwhere our loved ones are.
So when they're all in oneroom, imagine what that is and
I, I'm sure you understand.
My brain was mapping, okay,everybody's here, but my brother isn't.
And it's kind of like analert system that goes off.
And it's really interesting because itgoes to show sort of our primal brain
(03:18):
versus the front part of our brain thatcan really understand he's not here.
But then there's another part ofme that's just like going haywire,
trying to figure out where he is.
And I think that.
Understanding this and learning thisconcept was really helpful because
it just made me feel less crazy.
I think it helped me to understand whatmy brain was doing, and I think that when
we do that, it gives a bit of context,a bit of understanding, and again, it
(03:42):
just normalizes it, especially whenyou know the brain is doing its job.
And something that she said, whichwas really lovely in her book is
it's because your loved ones existedthat certain neurons fire together.
When the person is no longer in the outerworld, they still physically exist in
the wiring of the neurons of your brain.
So a key problem in grief is that thereis a mismatch between the virtual map
(04:06):
we always use to find our loved ones andthe reality that they can no longer be
found in the dimensions of space and time.
Learning is required to update thebrain's prediction that the loved
one will always be there to thereality that they're truly gone.
So it makes sense that during thesetimes, these milestones, these
(04:26):
celebrations, that the grief feels raw.
Because again, our brain is now fullymapping everyone that's in the room.
And we are faced with the reality thatthe person is not physically with us.
And it takes a while for our brainsto update that, to understand
that, to figure out ways around it.
Or the other part still updating is soamazing at the complexity of the brain,
(04:48):
but then again, also kind of amazingat its ability to understand so many
different things in different ways.
So going back to that, whydo milestones hurt so much?
She wrote, and it's such a beautiful wayto say it, grief is a heart wrenchingly
painful problem for the brain to solve.
And grieving necessitates learning tolive in the world with the absence of
(05:09):
someone you love deeply, who is ingrainedin your understanding of the world.
And I think that this makes so muchsense, especially if that person
is someone that you know is reallyclose in terms of attachment.
Someone, we rely on someonethat was always in the room.
I think that it's taken me such along time for my brain to sort of,
and update's an interesting word.
I think it's update in the senselike not, hey, they're gone.
(05:31):
It's more of an update in the sense thisis what it's going to be look like now.
When my husband's brother had a baby,that required my brain to be like, oh,
hey, we haven't had that experience.
Where's my brother?
What's he doing?
And then it kind of hits harderbecause I feel like those moments,
those events are things that I kindof, and again, expected to experience,
spoke about with my brother.
(05:52):
And that just goes back to show kindof the neurons at fire together,
fire together, wire together.
We had so many conversations abouthaving kids together living in the same
street and having all these experiences.
And I think that when we have toupdate that reality, when our brain
needs to sort of update and belike, okay, this is not happening.
Our expectations are not matchingthe reality that we were talking
about or looking forward to, or thereality of the person being there.
(06:15):
It does take a whileand it, it is painful.
And I think that giving context tothis, again, helping us to understand
what our brain is actually doing,the fact that it's trying to update
rewire shift, its thinking, shift, itsunderstanding of reality to match what's
happening outside is just amazing.
But also, again.
(06:36):
An extremely complex, nuancedprocess that can be really difficult
and I know for a fact milestonesare still tricky, especially big
birthdays with everybody there.
Events like that.
Okay, so I think the nextquestion would be, what does
that look like moving forward?
So we know that our brain is, youknow, learning to adapt to this new
(06:56):
reality that our brain is tryingto map someone that was there.
And I think that that's so well,like really explains, you know, when
you're like, you have that momentwhere you're like, they're not here.
It's kind of like those two experiences.
our brain is trying to map thatperson to where they were, and then
the reality is not matching, andthat gap is just where we fall.
(07:17):
And so for me, again, that just gave a bitof understanding of what's happening and
also a bit of understanding of what canhappen during events, during milestones.
So that.
You know, I can practice more self-careor express myself around those
times, but I'll get into that next.
So what does that look like?
You know, We know that the brain istrying to adjust to this experience
to really understand what's happening.
(07:39):
And this is what, Mary O'Connorsays both in her book, and
there's a Ted quote here as well.
So she says, when I say that griefis a kind of learning, I do not
mean learning something easy.
This type of learning is liketraveling to an alien planet.
Grief changes the rules of the gamerules that you thought you knew and
had been using up until this point.
And then this is from her TEDx.
(08:01):
Um, talk.
Our attachment neurobiology is actuallyset up to learn to transform our
relationships to our deceased loved one.
The human brain can create newpathways in order to learn what life
is like after we experience loss.
So I think the idea of adapting, right?
We have this concept that we'll adapt andeventually just be able to, and I hate, I
(08:23):
really don't like that term of acceptance.
I think integration is amuch better way for me.
I know for me, that's I'veused moving forward, how do we
integrate that loss because.
And again, I'm only six and a half,seven years in, If our brain is used
to living with someone, I grew up withmy brother, he died when I was 27.
That's 27 years of my brain learning,firing neurons, creating pathways,
(08:47):
having these experiences with mybrother, creating that connection,
you know, that neurobiology was firm.
It's set.
So I think, how does our brain even.
Begin to change, adjust to that.
How do we adjust to that?
And I think that when she says grief isa kind of learning, I know for me it's
about learning to sometimes sit in thatgap between, oh my gosh, they're not here.
(09:09):
there's moments where I sit in thatgap and go, oh my gosh, he's not here.
So I think learning to sit in thosemoments has been challenging, and I've
done a lot of therapy around that.
A lot of what I call havening, which I'veexplained and I will explain in another
episode, but a lot of work around and
living with that feeling and usingthat experience to drive my choices.
(09:32):
And I think this is a thing that.
I'm only speaking from my experience howour attachment neurobiology, sort of how
we learn those new pathways or what weare learning, what are we doing with that?
I think that comes through in the choicesthat we make, the values that we have,
the way we choose to live, to honor them,the things that we do to honor them.
So for example, I know peoplethat go to the cemetery a certain
(09:53):
day and replace the flowers.
I know for me it's like mentioning thingsto my husband, through this work that I
do is very much, Reminds me of my brother.
He was a big helper.
He was that type of person.
I think for me, the way I have integratedthe loss, the way I am carrying and
as she says, the brain can createnew pathways in order to learn what
(10:14):
life is like after we experience loss
And how we learn totransform our relationship.
This is it.
I think it's in the way that welive, the way that we carry them,
the way that we talk about them.
It's that relationship.
That's the way that we keepthat relationship alive.
That is the way that we adapt, andI think that I. It's kind of, again,
it's, it's impressive that our braincan do this thing where it can map.
(10:36):
And I think that for me, whatI've realized is that I still
even now will map him somewhere.
I don't know exactly where, butit's like the alarms aren't going
off until that milestone comes up.
And everyone that I love isin the room except for him.
And then it's like mybrain signals the alarm.
And I think the thing is that that alarm'salways there because they are wired.
(10:57):
They are our loved ones.
Like they don't go, we can still imaginethem in the room because that's what
our brain has done for so long, andthat's, part of how we maintain that too.
Imagining them in the room, what theywould say, what that would look like.
I do think that is part of how ourrelationship with transforms, but I
think that knowing this, knowing that.
(11:18):
The alarm will be stronger during thosemoments where everyone's in the room
or during those moments when we expectthem to reach out or expect them to be
there, or we expect to be there for them.
I think that that is somethingthat I'm recognizing.
I just need to know in my griefjourney, and so what I know around
times like birthdays and events,and I always say this to people.
(11:39):
I have to get through the bitterbefore I get through, get to the sweet.
So everything's always bittersweet.
You have those times where,especially before an event comes
up, sometimes during the day, you'llfeel that sadness, the melancholy.
The longing.
The yearning, and I think theyearning is such a big one.
You'll feel all of that.
You will have all ofthat, or I do, at least.
(12:00):
And then I know that that'ssomething I've gotta sift through.
So giving myself a bit more timebefore the event, talking about what's
happening to my husband or to mybest friend, or just explaining, even
just saying it and you know, it's notsomething that can be fixed, right?
But sometimes just giving words toit, having a cry, taking 10 minutes
out, whatever time you have out.
(12:21):
I use a lot of IFS techniques tohelp me to sit with it, the grief.
and I think for me, I knowreading poetry, Khalil Deran is a
fantastic poet that has helped me.
Immensely.
He has a great poem on joy andsorrow, and it's so lovely.
I quoted it in my wedding speechbecause my wedding was such a big one.
(12:42):
It was so difficult.
I remember how hard the day wasand I didn't have this knowledge
then, and I wasn't fully aware ofwhat was going on or how I could
cope with it and what I could do.
So that was what I wanted to do in thisepisode, to help you understand what's
happening in the brain, understandwhat's happening with us in our grief.
And I think the more knowledge we havearound what's happening, the better
(13:04):
we can work with ourselves to adapt towhat's going on, to sit with ourselves, to
learn, to really process and knowing this.
So for example, for my daughters,a fall, like birthdays or baptisms
or whatever's coming up, I willusually give myself a minute.
To process.
I will give myself a bit of space.
I'll talk to my husband about it.
(13:25):
I'll have a cry about it.
I'll take that time out because I knowthat I need to get through those feelings
and sit with them and really allow that.
And sometimes it's even just assimple as like putting my hands
on my heart and being like, Ireally wish he was here right now.
I really wish that hewas experiencing this.
I really wish that Igot to see it for him.
A part of me really, really,really wanted that for him.
(13:47):
And it's as simple as that.
Sitting with it, honoring it.
Owning it, allowing it in, becauseI know for a fact my wedding was
so difficult because I didn'thave the skills or the awareness
around what was actually happening.
And this is what I wanted this episodeto be about really giving us a heads up
on grief, milestones, brain mapping, whyit can be so hard for, for us, especially
(14:10):
those first couple of years I got married.
I want to say, so mybrother passed away in 2018.
I got married in 2021, and so itwasn't that long for such a big
event where I just wanted him there.
And yeah, so I think that that's justsomething to understand in our grief.
So in this episode, we were talkingabout milestones and how they can really.
(14:31):
Hurt because our brain is stillsearching and that grief is the brain
learning to carry them differently.
That's part of the process andunderstanding the mapping and what's
happening in our world, how thereality of what's happening versus,
you know, what we're used to doing
Again, mapping, imagining they're there.
That's why the grief doesn't feelas heavy for me, you know, through
the days every day because it'slike my brain automatically maps him
(14:53):
and says, yeah, yeah, he's there.
He's there, he'll be here, And then.
The milestones or these thingscome up and he is not there.
And then I feel that gap again,and I think I become more familiar
with that gap, understanding of it.
And then I'm able to work with it, sitwith it, have more self-care around it.
And so I think the most beautiful.
The thing that I want to leave you withor something that I think is really
(15:14):
lovely, and I always do my scripts withchat GPT, I want to confirm that, but
I do write all my own experiences, talkabout the readings I found and whatnot.
But, a reframe that it came up with, whichis lovely, is searching is not weakness.
It's love written into our neural wiring.
And I think that's so beautiful.
It's making me emotional, just thinkingabout it because it's also, yeah.
(15:35):
Again, lovely at the complex nature ofour brain and what it's trying to do,
both to find our loved ones and support,support us at the same time, even
though it doesn't always feel that way.
So when it comes to milestones, youknow, planning for the bitter, before the
sweet, finding ways to bring them withyou through, you know, talking, living
through their values, finding values,you know, that you can carry with you.
(15:55):
Having those routines, those rituals,anything that brings them closer.
I think it's understandingthat this is also our brain's
way of bringing them with us.
And again, that, you know.
That attachment, that way that wefind connection with them, when we
can't physically have them here.
So I hope that you foundthis episode helpful.
I have loved recording this.
(16:16):
This has been a tricky one, buta great one at the same time.
And I hope that you find it helpful.
I will catch you in the next episode.
And just a small shout out, ifyou're here, you've lost someone
and I want to send my love and justtell you that I'm thinking of you.
Hi there.
My name is Giulia, and welcome tothe Self-Development Collective.
Here we explore personal developmentin a way that honors all parts of
ourselves, including the tricky parts.
I share genuine stories andreflections mixed with ideas from
psychotherapy and self-developmentto help us figure out how to live
more authentically and build deeperconnections with ourselves and others.
(00:21):
I am so excited to have you here.
Hey guys, and welcome to this episodeof The Self-Development Collective.
So in this episode, we're going to bebe talking about grief, milestones,
events, and why, or like an explanationI found really helpful in understanding.
Why milestones and events in griefwith grief can be so challenging?
(00:44):
the thought that comes to mindis my daughter's first birthday,
which was two years ago now.
and I remember it was likea very anxiety fueled day.
I felt off, I didn't feel right.
I felt very unsettled.
you know, when you're at that, vergeof breaking down, like breaking down
into tears and you just sort of keep.
At that edge.
(01:04):
I felt like that all day.
And then eventually I had a family membercoming to talk to me just in general,
and I burst into tears and eventuallywas just like, I miss him so much.
He's not here.
This is such a big milestone, and Ithink with milestone celebrations, things
where everybody's in the room, people arevisiting, you know, it's such a big thing.
(01:27):
Those times are so much harder, and Iwant to talk about a reason why that
is today that really helped me tounderstand how the brain works with grief.
Now, this is from the book, the GrievingBrain By Mary Francis O'Connor, and
she's a neuroscientist that actuallystudied what grief can do to the brain.
Now, I only read half of it becauseif I'm being completely honest with
(01:47):
you, sometimes I think reading griefbooks is a little bit too much.
I still tend to stay away from.
Things that are like overly heavywith grief, for example, like movies
where someone's brother's passedaway or a male character has cancer.
I tend to stay away from those justbecause I know that they can still
to this day, you know, six, sixand a half years in nearly seven
(02:09):
years, can be triggering for me.
So, okay,
so one of the key things that I learnedfrom this book is that, you know, our
brain tracks where our loved ones arein space and time, and the whole idea is
if someone's not right in front of us,our brain still knows where they are.
Sort of like, for example, right nowI know that my mom's at my house, my
son's there, my daughter's at kinder,my husband's at work, and I can sort
(02:33):
of gather where they are and map them.
And the tricky part with that iswhen someone is not right in front
of us, our brain maps, our brainthinks of where they could be and
just kind of goes off that assumption.
So I think the thing like learningthis for me was game changing because
I understood that when I was in aroom and it was like my daughter's
first birthday where everybody thatI knew was there, or when it's a
(02:54):
celebration or a milestone, and again,the people I love are in the same room.
Our brain again, is mappingwhere our loved ones are.
So when they're all in oneroom, imagine what that is and
I, I'm sure you understand.
My brain was mapping, okay,everybody's here, but my brother isn't.
And it's kind of like analert system that goes off.
And it's really interesting because itgoes to show sort of our primal brain
(03:18):
versus the front part of our brain thatcan really understand he's not here.
But then there's another part ofme that's just like going haywire,
trying to figure out where he is.
And I think that.
Understanding this and learning thisconcept was really helpful because
it just made me feel less crazy.
I think it helped me to understand whatmy brain was doing, and I think that when
we do that, it gives a bit of context,a bit of understanding, and again, it
(03:42):
just normalizes it, especially whenyou know the brain is doing its job.
And something that she said, whichwas really lovely in her book is
it's because your loved ones existedthat certain neurons fire together.
When the person is no longer in the outerworld, they still physically exist in
the wiring of the neurons of your brain.
So a key problem in grief is that thereis a mismatch between the virtual map
(04:06):
we always use to find our loved ones andthe reality that they can no longer be
found in the dimensions of space and time.
Learning is required to update thebrain's prediction that the loved
one will always be there to thereality that they're truly gone.
So it makes sense that during thesetimes, these milestones, these
(04:26):
celebrations, that the grief feels raw.
Because again, our brain is now fullymapping everyone that's in the room.
And we are faced with the reality thatthe person is not physically with us.
And it takes a while for our brainsto update that, to understand
that, to figure out ways around it.
Or the other part still updating is soamazing at the complexity of the brain,
(04:48):
but then again, also kind of amazingat its ability to understand so many
different things in different ways.
So going back to that, whydo milestones hurt so much?
She wrote, and it's such a beautiful wayto say it, grief is a heart wrenchingly
painful problem for the brain to solve.
And grieving necessitates learning tolive in the world with the absence of
(05:09):
someone you love deeply, who is ingrainedin your understanding of the world.
And I think that this makes so muchsense, especially if that person
is someone that you know is reallyclose in terms of attachment.
Someone, we rely on someonethat was always in the room.
I think that it's taken me such along time for my brain to sort of,
and update's an interesting word.
I think it's update in the senselike not, hey, they're gone.
(05:31):
It's more of an update in the sense thisis what it's going to be look like now.
When my husband's brother had a baby,that required my brain to be like, oh,
hey, we haven't had that experience.
Where's my brother?
What's he doing?
And then it kind of hits harderbecause I feel like those moments,
those events are things that I kindof, and again, expected to experience,
spoke about with my brother.
(05:52):
And that just goes back to show kindof the neurons at fire together,
fire together, wire together.
We had so many conversations abouthaving kids together living in the same
street and having all these experiences.
And I think that when we have toupdate that reality, when our brain
needs to sort of update and belike, okay, this is not happening.
Our expectations are not matchingthe reality that we were talking
about or looking forward to, or thereality of the person being there.
(06:15):
It does take a whileand it, it is painful.
And I think that giving context tothis, again, helping us to understand
what our brain is actually doing,the fact that it's trying to update
rewire shift, its thinking, shift, itsunderstanding of reality to match what's
happening outside is just amazing.
But also, again.
(06:36):
An extremely complex, nuancedprocess that can be really difficult
and I know for a fact milestonesare still tricky, especially big
birthdays with everybody there.
Events like that.
Okay, so I think the nextquestion would be, what does
that look like moving forward?
So we know that our brain is, youknow, learning to adapt to this new
(06:56):
reality that our brain is tryingto map someone that was there.
And I think that that's so well,like really explains, you know, when
you're like, you have that momentwhere you're like, they're not here.
It's kind of like those two experiences.
our brain is trying to map thatperson to where they were, and then
the reality is not matching, andthat gap is just where we fall.
(07:17):
And so for me, again, that just gave a bitof understanding of what's happening and
also a bit of understanding of what canhappen during events, during milestones.
So that.
You know, I can practice more self-careor express myself around those
times, but I'll get into that next.
So what does that look like?
You know, We know that the brain istrying to adjust to this experience
to really understand what's happening.
(07:39):
And this is what, Mary O'Connorsays both in her book, and
there's a Ted quote here as well.
So she says, when I say that griefis a kind of learning, I do not
mean learning something easy.
This type of learning is liketraveling to an alien planet.
Grief changes the rules of the gamerules that you thought you knew and
had been using up until this point.
And then this is from her TEDx.
(08:01):
Um, talk.
Our attachment neurobiology is actuallyset up to learn to transform our
relationships to our deceased loved one.
The human brain can create newpathways in order to learn what life
is like after we experience loss.
So I think the idea of adapting, right?
We have this concept that we'll adapt andeventually just be able to, and I hate, I
(08:23):
really don't like that term of acceptance.
I think integration is amuch better way for me.
I know for me, that's I'veused moving forward, how do we
integrate that loss because.
And again, I'm only six and a half,seven years in, If our brain is used
to living with someone, I grew up withmy brother, he died when I was 27.
That's 27 years of my brain learning,firing neurons, creating pathways,
(08:47):
having these experiences with mybrother, creating that connection,
you know, that neurobiology was firm.
It's set.
So I think, how does our brain even.
Begin to change, adjust to that.
How do we adjust to that?
And I think that when she says grief isa kind of learning, I know for me it's
about learning to sometimes sit in thatgap between, oh my gosh, they're not here.
(09:09):
there's moments where I sit in thatgap and go, oh my gosh, he's not here.
So I think learning to sit in thosemoments has been challenging, and I've
done a lot of therapy around that.
A lot of what I call havening, which I'veexplained and I will explain in another
episode, but a lot of work around and
living with that feeling and usingthat experience to drive my choices.
(09:32):
And I think this is a thing that.
I'm only speaking from my experience howour attachment neurobiology, sort of how
we learn those new pathways or what weare learning, what are we doing with that?
I think that comes through in the choicesthat we make, the values that we have,
the way we choose to live, to honor them,the things that we do to honor them.
So for example, I know peoplethat go to the cemetery a certain
(09:53):
day and replace the flowers.
I know for me it's like mentioning thingsto my husband, through this work that I
do is very much, Reminds me of my brother.
He was a big helper.
He was that type of person.
I think for me, the way I have integratedthe loss, the way I am carrying and
as she says, the brain can createnew pathways in order to learn what
(10:14):
life is like after we experience loss
And how we learn totransform our relationship.
This is it.
I think it's in the way that welive, the way that we carry them,
the way that we talk about them.
It's that relationship.
That's the way that we keepthat relationship alive.
That is the way that we adapt, andI think that I. It's kind of, again,
it's, it's impressive that our braincan do this thing where it can map.
(10:36):
And I think that for me, whatI've realized is that I still
even now will map him somewhere.
I don't know exactly where, butit's like the alarms aren't going
off until that milestone comes up.
And everyone that I love isin the room except for him.
And then it's like mybrain signals the alarm.
And I think the thing is that that alarm'salways there because they are wired.
(10:57):
They are our loved ones.
Like they don't go, we can still imaginethem in the room because that's what
our brain has done for so long, andthat's, part of how we maintain that too.
Imagining them in the room, what theywould say, what that would look like.
I do think that is part of how ourrelationship with transforms, but I
think that knowing this, knowing that.
(11:18):
The alarm will be stronger during thosemoments where everyone's in the room
or during those moments when we expectthem to reach out or expect them to be
there, or we expect to be there for them.
I think that that is somethingthat I'm recognizing.
I just need to know in my griefjourney, and so what I know around
times like birthdays and events,and I always say this to people.
(11:39):
I have to get through the bitterbefore I get through, get to the sweet.
So everything's always bittersweet.
You have those times where,especially before an event comes
up, sometimes during the day, you'llfeel that sadness, the melancholy.
The longing.
The yearning, and I think theyearning is such a big one.
You'll feel all of that.
You will have all ofthat, or I do, at least.
(12:00):
And then I know that that'ssomething I've gotta sift through.
So giving myself a bit more timebefore the event, talking about what's
happening to my husband or to mybest friend, or just explaining, even
just saying it and you know, it's notsomething that can be fixed, right?
But sometimes just giving words toit, having a cry, taking 10 minutes
out, whatever time you have out.
(12:21):
I use a lot of IFS techniques tohelp me to sit with it, the grief.
and I think for me, I knowreading poetry, Khalil Deran is a
fantastic poet that has helped me.
Immensely.
He has a great poem on joy andsorrow, and it's so lovely.
I quoted it in my wedding speechbecause my wedding was such a big one.
(12:42):
It was so difficult.
I remember how hard the day wasand I didn't have this knowledge
then, and I wasn't fully aware ofwhat was going on or how I could
cope with it and what I could do.
So that was what I wanted to do in thisepisode, to help you understand what's
happening in the brain, understandwhat's happening with us in our grief.
And I think the more knowledge we havearound what's happening, the better
(13:04):
we can work with ourselves to adapt towhat's going on, to sit with ourselves, to
learn, to really process and knowing this.
So for example, for my daughters,a fall, like birthdays or baptisms
or whatever's coming up, I willusually give myself a minute.
To process.
I will give myself a bit of space.
I'll talk to my husband about it.
(13:25):
I'll have a cry about it.
I'll take that time out because I knowthat I need to get through those feelings
and sit with them and really allow that.
And sometimes it's even just assimple as like putting my hands
on my heart and being like, Ireally wish he was here right now.
I really wish that hewas experiencing this.
I really wish that Igot to see it for him.
A part of me really, really,really wanted that for him.
(13:47):
And it's as simple as that.
Sitting with it, honoring it.
Owning it, allowing it in, becauseI know for a fact my wedding was
so difficult because I didn'thave the skills or the awareness
around what was actually happening.
And this is what I wanted this episodeto be about really giving us a heads up
on grief, milestones, brain mapping, whyit can be so hard for, for us, especially
(14:10):
those first couple of years I got married.
I want to say, so mybrother passed away in 2018.
I got married in 2021, and so itwasn't that long for such a big
event where I just wanted him there.
And yeah, so I think that that's justsomething to understand in our grief.
So in this episode, we were talkingabout milestones and how they can really.
(14:31):
Hurt because our brain is stillsearching and that grief is the brain
learning to carry them differently.
That's part of the process andunderstanding the mapping and what's
happening in our world, how thereality of what's happening versus,
you know, what we're used to doing
Again, mapping, imagining they're there.
That's why the grief doesn't feelas heavy for me, you know, through
the days every day because it'slike my brain automatically maps him
(14:53):
and says, yeah, yeah, he's there.
He's there, he'll be here, And then.
The milestones or these thingscome up and he is not there.
And then I feel that gap again,and I think I become more familiar
with that gap, understanding of it.
And then I'm able to work with it, sitwith it, have more self-care around it.
And so I think the most beautiful.
The thing that I want to leave you withor something that I think is really
(15:14):
lovely, and I always do my scripts withchat GPT, I want to confirm that, but
I do write all my own experiences, talkabout the readings I found and whatnot.
But, a reframe that it came up with, whichis lovely, is searching is not weakness.
It's love written into our neural wiring.
And I think that's so beautiful.
It's making me emotional, just thinkingabout it because it's also, yeah.
(15:35):
Again, lovely at the complex nature ofour brain and what it's trying to do,
both to find our loved ones and support,support us at the same time, even
though it doesn't always feel that way.
So when it comes to milestones, youknow, planning for the bitter, before the
sweet, finding ways to bring them withyou through, you know, talking, living
through their values, finding values,you know, that you can carry with you.
(15:55):
Having those routines, those rituals,anything that brings them closer.
I think it's understandingthat this is also our brain's
way of bringing them with us.
And again, that, you know.
That attachment, that way that wefind connection with them, when we
can't physically have them here.
So I hope that you foundthis episode helpful.
I have loved recording this.
(16:16):
This has been a tricky one, buta great one at the same time.
And I hope that you find it helpful.
I will catch you in the next episode.
And just a small shout out, ifyou're here, you've lost someone
and I want to send my love and justtell you that I'm thinking of you.
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