September 11, 2023 • 29 mins
Today we're talking all about developing and maintaining healthy relationships! I'm diving deep into what a healthy vs unhealthy relationship is, both with others but also with yourself. I'll also be sharing a few exercises you can do to evaluate your circles and learn to create strong relationship boundaries.
It's a juicy one!
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
This show is brought to you by Female Alliance Media,
by Women for.
Speaker 2 (00:03):
Women.
Welcome to the Balance andBliss Podcast.
I'm your host, andrea Mondu, athree-time published author,
speaker and a lifestyletransformation coach who
believes everyone should begiven the gift of knowing how to
live their lives, feelinghealthy and empowered.
Things like moving your bodyregularly and feeling it well,
(00:24):
taking care of your mind,setting boundaries, practicing
self and body, acceptance,personal growth, manifestation
and everything in between.
Wellness is not linear and it'snot just one thing.
It expands into so many areasand on this show we're going to
talk about just that.
We're all striving to live alittle more healthy and a little
(00:46):
more well, but what does thateven mean?
My goal is to help you see thatyou can move from the mundane
to the magic when it comes toliving aligned and fulfilled,
and by tuning in each week youcan be assured you'll leave with
nuggets of wisdom that you canimplement into your day to day,
like right now, to help youmaximize your health, wellness
(01:09):
and your life.
Now let's dive in.
Hello, welcome back to anotherepisode.
Today is a solo episode, so I'mhere to have a conversation,
just me and you.
We're in September, hopefullyby now.
You are like feeling back intothe routines.
(01:29):
There's something really niceabout a routine.
I know I talked about this lastweek, but after the excitement
of summer, just kind of easingback into knowing what to expect
, like we are creatures of habit, right, and when there's
disruption, when there's chaos,we're like what the fuck is
happening, I'm just ready to getit.
It's like every single time yougo on well, I'm totally
(01:52):
generalizing here, but mosttimes when I go on vacation, you
get to the end of your vacationand most of us find ourselves
saying like we're ready to getback to it.
So we're back to it, we're backinto it.
I'm really excited for today'sepisode and I think that the
reason that I'm so excited forit is because it took me so long
(02:13):
to understand the value thatthis has on your overall health
and well-being.
Like I'm talking about, likedeep-rooted happiness, having
the ability to be present inyour life, having the ability to
be grateful and to take care ofyour wellness and eat well and
(02:36):
move your body well.
Like all of these things aredependent on this one pillar.
If you've ever been present forany of my wheel of health
workshops or maybe you listenedto the podcast episodes way long
time ago when Kim and I workedthrough each of these wheel of
health components.
I'll actually link them for youin the show notes.
(02:57):
In the wheel of health exercise,there are eight components that
I discussed that make up who weare as humans, and movement and
nutrition are a big part ofthat.
But there's actually six otherthings that make up who we are
as people, and one of the thingsthat's really, really important
(03:18):
is relationships andcommunication.
We are human beings havinghuman experiences in
relationships with other people,and sometimes those
relationships are great for us.
They are fulfilling, they arerespectful, they are kind.
They're really relationshipsand people that we seek out.
(03:40):
And also, whether it be mayberight now or maybe it's in the
past, if you're somebody like me, I have been in relationships
before, specifically friendships.
Actually, if I'm being honest,I'm thinking about a romantic
relationship that wasn't thegreatest either, but there are
also relationships that are notgreat for us, and so today we're
(04:03):
going to really break down likewhat is a healthy relationship,
what is not a healthyrelationship, and why is it so
important that we are in healthyromantic relationships and also
healthy friendships?
Because those two things aregoing to be the cornerstones of
(04:23):
what make us feel well.
Obviously, there's a lot ofimportance around the
relationship that we have withourselves and, quite frankly, we
can even include that in thiscategory as well, because the
way that we speak to ourself,the way that we treat ourselves,
the way that we respectourselves and our bodies, the
way that we support our dreamsand our wishes, like all of
(04:45):
those things are reallyimportant too.
Right, we need to be our ownbest friend.
So what I mean when I say ahealthy relationship and again,
we're talking about the one withyourself, the one with your
romantic partner, as well as thefriendship that you're in.
Let's think about things likecommunication or mutual respect.
(05:08):
Right, if you have somebodythat you're in a relationship
with that you feel like you cansay, hey, this really upset me,
or hey, that really bothered me,or hey, here's what I need,
here's what I am feeling rightnow.
Here's where.
I'm at today, if you feel likeyou can have that open dialogue
and that open communication,that's a really big thing.
(05:31):
And then with that really comesthat like that trust and that
respect.
Right, it's somebody who youknow that, no matter what you
say to them, no matter what youshare with them, they're going
to respect you, they're notgoing to judge you, they're
going to support you and youknow in that communication that
you're having, if it's a healthyrelationship, you're having it
(05:52):
in a way where you're notberating each other or where
you're not putting each otherdown.
You know, one of the thingsthat's really and I'm probably
going to use Mike and I as anexample a lot here, because we
have I mean, we've been togetherfor like 17 years.
We've spent a lot of time.
Well, I know I should, I wasgoing to say I spend a lot of
(06:13):
time.
I definitely bring a lot ofconversations to our partnership
, but he fully partakes in them.
So I can't I can't take fullcredit for that, but we've spent
a lot of time like craftingthis relationship that is really
built on mutual respect andcommunication.
And really, really early on wetalked about how important it
(06:34):
was for us to, you know, neverlike speak down to each other.
I can confidently say in those17 years that we've been
together, we've never had afight or an argument where we've
called each other names, wherewe have put each other down,
where we have trashed eachother's character.
(06:55):
Like listen, I've been fuckingpissed at him and he for sure
has been pissed at me, but evenwhen things are so heated and
emotions are so high, there'snever been a time where we have
put each other down and calledeach other names.
This is, you know I you want toknow why that's so important,
because I mean, you probablyknow this, every single time,
(07:18):
like every single thing thatleaves your mouth, you can never
take that back, like you cannever take that shit back, and
so once you've said it, it's outthere.
And you know other things thatare important in a healthy
relationship is, you know,forgiveness and releasing things
and moving forward.
And you know as much as youwant to release things, like you
(07:40):
know, if somebody has saidsomething really really deeply
hurtful, it is really hard tocome back from that.
It's not to say that you can'tcome back from that, but there's
definitely.
You know there are some thingsto kind of work through and it
might stay in the back of yourmind.
So, as a general rule, if youwant to have a healthy
partnership, even a healthyfriendship, right, we're not
(08:01):
going to be talking about ourfriends behind their back.
We're not going to be puttingthem down, you know, at certain
choices that they're making.
You know, maybe they're ourfriends, are making choices that
we don't necessarily agree with.
We're not going to be like,well, you're stupid.
You know what a dumb move orwhatever it is.
And again, that same thing goesfor ourselves.
(08:23):
There's a part in my first bookyou actually can do this,
achieving a healthy lifestyle inspite of yourself where I
actually talk about this.
Like we speak to ourselvesright in ways that we probably
would never speak to otherpeople, because if we did that,
(08:43):
we would have no friends or wewould have no partner or we
would maybe be in an unhealthyrelationship.
And so yet we and yet we are soquick to put ourselves down to,
you know convince ourselves ofthings that we're not capable of
.
You know I talk about this alot in coaching that I do with
(09:06):
clients.
You know, when people come tome and when people often want to
pursue a wellness journey.
It's rooted oftentimes inweight loss or not liking the
way that they look and, as aresult of that, a lot of the
internal dialogue that happensis also negative, and the things
that we're saying to ourselvesabout our ability to be
(09:27):
consistent or stay motivated or,you know, stay on that diet
like I suck, I can't do allthese things right, like the way
that we speak to ourselves isnot often great, and so when
we're thinking about havingrespect and supporting, that
also would include the way thatwe do that to ourselves too.
(09:50):
Now, on the flip side of that,if we're thinking about, okay,
that's what like a healthyrelationship looks like.
What might an unhealthyrelationship look like?
In a nutshell, it's everythingthat I said.
That's in the previousstatement.
That is not there.
But to break that down a littlebit more situations where
(10:12):
people are manipulating theother person to do things that
they want or manipulating themto not do things and to stay
with them, instead being reallycontrolling about who people are
seeing.
I mean, if we're thinking aboutcontrolling romantic
relationships, sometimes it cango right down to what people are
(10:36):
wearing, what they're doing,what their time, that sort of
thing.
You know name calling,belittling, really casting
judgment, saying things likewell, I told you so you
should've listened to my advicethe first time.
Don't come crying to me,because I already told you you
shouldn't be doing this thing.
You know, having something likethat in friendships can be
(10:56):
really, really damaging.
Or I'll give you an example.
I went away earlier this yearwith a group of girlfriends and
we were talking aboutfriendships and previous types
of friendships that we'd been inand that sort of thing, and
this person had a friend who,every single time they shared
good news with them or the nextthing that they were working on,
(11:19):
that person did one of twothings that person responded
with oh well, here you go again,maybe putting that new career
path or that new experience thatthey're participating and
putting it down or trying to.
You've ever heard of the oneupper right Trying to one up
what you said?
(11:39):
Oh well, you have this going on.
Well, here's what happened tome, right?
They're not honoring andholding space for you, but
instead they're trying to putthemselves in the forefront,
somebody who lacks boundaries.
So you're putting up a hardboundary about, maybe, what
you're willing to do, whatyou're not willing to do.
Maybe you have been asked to dosomething or go somewhere and
(12:05):
you're in a friendship where youfeel like you have to say yes
because if you say no thenyou're worried that that person
is gonna be upset with you.
You know all of these things,whether it be in a friendship,
whether it be in a romanticrelationship.
I'm gonna tell you right nowthat if that's the case, if, as
I'm listing off these red flagsor these qualities of an
(12:28):
unhealthy relationship, it mightbe time to consider gently
dismissing that person from yourlives.
This is something that I havehad to do with a couple
different friendships and ithappens in numerous ways.
Throughout the course of my 35years, you can likely imagine
(12:49):
that there have beeninteractions with people that I
have had that have not beengreat and as I've been growing
in my I guess we can really callit confidence as what I'm
willing to put up with frompeople and what I'm not willing
to put up with, and really thatkind of comes from the increase
(13:10):
of, like, my own innerconfidence and kind of a shift
in my mindset.
But as I've started to do that,I've started to notice things
in conversations that I'm havingor the way that people have
treated me in the past wherethey haven't acknowledged a way
that I've been hurt, orrelationships that are really
(13:32):
one sided If you have a friend,for example, that you are the
one who is always reaching outfor hangouts right.
Hey, do you wanna hang out?
I haven't seen you in a while.
Oh, no, I'm busy.
Or hey, I haven't seen you inforever, yeah, let's do
something.
And then all of a sudden,you're not doing something.
Something's always come up.
(13:53):
You just don't feel like you'rea priority in that person's
life.
I really firmly believe thatfriendships, also romantic
relationships, should be a twoway street.
I mean, obviously there arefluctuations in ebbs and flows
in those relationships,depending on what season of life
that you're in, depending on,for example, if somebody is a
(14:15):
new parent, chances are youaren't getting together every
single Friday like you used to.
Or maybe when you were in your20s, you spend a lot more time
together.
I remember I had this friendwhen I was in my 20s and her and
I we were literally attached atthe hip.
We would go out a couple timesa week and then we'd get up in
(14:36):
the morning and we would feellike shit, and so we would just
hang out together and bingewatch TV shows and we were
literally always together.
And maybe you had a friend likethis when you were in your late
high school college days, justthat friend that you always
spent a lot of time with.
And then, as you started tomaybe finish school and move on
in your career or change careers, or maybe you moved or whatever
(15:00):
it is you moved on really tolike a new season of life, a
shift in that friendship andthat relationship happens.
And then of course, that personeither is with you you guys are
kind of together through thatshift and you acknowledge the
ebb and flows, or that that hasthat can create some tension.
So in that particular situationthat definitely did create some
(15:22):
tension and that friend and Iended up parting ways for a
little bit and we've since thenkind of re rekindled and re come
back into each other's lives.
But you know there's ebbs andflows in in that two way street
and so acknowledging that thoseebbs and flows do happen.
But ultimately, you know, if youare feeling like you're in a
(15:44):
very one sided friendship oreven in a really one sided
relationship, you know these arethe kinds of situations where
you might start to evaluate likedoes this, does this feel right
for me anymore?
Is this fulfilling?
One of the techniques that Ilearned quite a while ago that I
actually use for a lot ofsituations and tasks that I'm
(16:07):
taking on is does this feellight or does this feel heavy?
And maybe you've heard me talkabout this before, but I feel
like this is really applicablein this situation when you're
thinking about a romanticpartnership, when you're
thinking about a specificfriendship and you want to
determine, like, whether it'shealthy or not, close your eyes
(16:30):
and think about that person.
And when you think about yourrelationship with that person,
does it feel light or does itfeel heavy?
And I don't want you tooverthink it, I don't want you
to start to justify orrationalize, but in this moment,
does it feel light or heavy?
And if it feels light, thenit's something that you want to
(16:52):
be continuing to put your timeand effort into.
If it's something that feelsheavy, then maybe it's a time to
reevaluate that relationshipand determine whether or not
it's something that it's.
That's something that you wantto continue to pursue and put
effort into.
One of the things that's poppinginto my head right now is a
(17:14):
book I read quite a few yearsago.
It's by Rachel Rogers.
It's called we Should All BeMillionaires.
It's definitely a book that'sfocused on entrepreneurship and
growing a business, but I alsofelt like there was a lot of
like really good life nuggets inthere.
Rachel Rogers is just also areally, really wonderful person.
But one of the things she talksabout in that book because she
(17:38):
talks about like, when she talksabout being a millionaire and
building and creating, like yourmillionaire identity that also
includes, like, how you show upin your personal life and the
relationships that you're in andthat you're part of in the
rooms that you're in so sheshares in this book a technique
that she actually learned fromsomebody else and now I'm going
to share it with you today.
(17:59):
But you know how we all makeNew Year's resolutions, or New
Year's intentions, as I like tocall them One of the things that
she learned to do and that islike she even says in the book.
She's like, I feel like thissounds really cutthroat and you
know what?
Maybe this is a cutthroat typeof activity, but she sits down
(18:20):
and she literally makes a listof all of the current friends
that she has and all of thecurrent people that she is in
consistent, continuous contactwith, and then she evaluates
what that friendship looks like.
It doesn't feel heavy, does itfeel light?
I don't know if she actuallyused that that term specifically
, but you know, what does thatrelationship look like?
(18:43):
What does that friendship looklike?
What sort of value is itproviding her as a person?
What sort of and and you knowmaybe that sounds a bit vain,
but what sort of value that it'sproviding you as a person?
You know you want to bespending your time and
surrounding yourself with peoplewho build you up and light you
up and make you feel great.
(19:03):
You know that treat you well,that really lend to your
self-esteem and really help tobuild you up.
So you know what sort of valueare you getting from it?
How much effort are you puttingin versus, again, what you're
getting from it?
And she really asks herselfsome of those questions for each
of those people.
If she identifies people thatare on that list, then they
(19:28):
don't get to move into the nextyear, right, they don't get to
move into the next year as shegrows and continues to evolve as
a human, and so that's a reallycool.
You know, maybe you don't do itat the beginning, maybe you do
it right now.
So when I read that book, I wasactually away at a cottage, but
(19:49):
and I did it right in thatmoment, I remember I pulled out
my journal sitting on the dockand I wrote down the, the key
people that I spend time with,and how I felt about those
relationships.
Because here's the thing andI'm going back to that wheel of
health one of the othercomponents on that wheel of
health is just like totalmindfulness or total awareness.
(20:10):
This relates to absolutelyanything in your life unless you
spend some time with it,thinking about how, how, what
kind of relationships do I have,how do the friendships that I
have make me feel, how does therelationship and partnership
that I'm in make me feel?
Unless we spend some timereally focusing on those, then
(20:35):
we don't know what sort ofimpact they could potentially be
having on our mental health, onour overall wellness, how much
energy we're spending on thesereally challenging and heavy
friendships that we could bespending elsewhere.
Quite frankly, like I, there'sno, there's no other way to put
(20:58):
it you are the priority in yourlife and if you are expending so
much energy and wasting so muchenergy in relationships that
have red flags or relationshipsthat feel toxic because you've
been friends forever, oh well,we've been friends since
(21:18):
childhood.
You know I don't want to letthat relationship go.
We have a lot of really goodmemories together.
Are those memories worth allthe heartache that you feel when
they're challenging you on thereally excited idea or the
really big idea that you'rereally excited about, like, is
it why?
Why, in that moment, all of asudden, are they worth more than
(21:40):
you?
You are the priority of yourown life and it's up to you to
curate and create that reality.
I feel like I'm kind of jumpingall over the place, but these
are the kinds of conversationsthat I have with my clients is,
like, sure, you come to mebecause you want to stop
snacking and you want to moveyour body more.
Those things were, for sure,going to work on those things
(22:03):
because they're really important.
But deeply rooted underneaththat, like, there's a lot of
other reasons of why you'resnacking at night.
Right, if you're snacking everysingle night and you have
really shitty friends, thoseshitty friends are probably the
reason that you're snacking atnight, because you're not
feeling joy and you're notfeeling fulfillment when it
(22:25):
comes to your life.
So I have shared a lot with youin this episode and, before we
wrap up today, I just want togive you a kind of a recap of
the things that I think thatwould be really helpful for you
when you're looking at thefriendships and the
relationships that you're havingwith other people, and also the
relationship that you're havingwith yourself.
(22:45):
So you know, taking a moment tothink about which friendships
and relationships feel light,which ones feel heavy, which
ones feel really fulfilling andsoul filling, like.
Which people do you spend timewith?
There are like faces flashingthrough my mind right now of
people that I spend time withthat just make me feel so
(23:07):
fulfilled, they make me feelseen, they make me feel accepted
, they make me feel valuable,and which people do you dread
spending time with?
Which people do you have tomentally prepare yourself to go
and spend time with?
Or maybe you're deciding okay,I'm going to spend two hours
here and then I'm going to saythat I have to go home and do
(23:30):
whatever it is right.
Which ones feel light and whichones feel heavy.
The other thing is is you cansit down and you can physically
make that list of which peoplebring you joy, which people can
you laugh with, which people doyou really feel like it's a two
way relationship?
You feel supported, you feelrespected, and which people do
(23:52):
you not feel that with and maybeyou can politely let them go?
I'm going to do one more thinghere before we wrap up, because
I realized when I said you canjust I'm doing this with my
hands you can just kindly showyourself out, dismiss that
relationship from your life.
It doesn't have to be a biglike we are no longer friends
(24:13):
because X, y and Z.
Maybe you just stop reachingout to that person to make plans
, maybe you just are busy whenthey message you to spend some
time together.
Or maybe you do have aconversation of hey, listen,
this is, I'm headed in thisdirection.
I feel like our paths aren'taligning anymore and that might
(24:37):
be a more challengingconversation to have.
So it depends on, obviously, howyou feel, how much explanation
that you feel like you need togive to somebody, because you
don't always need to give anexplanation to people.
That's kind of up to you,especially if you're putting up
a boundary.
You know I've talked before onthe boundaries episode.
(24:57):
Did I have a boundaries episode?
I did.
Oh, my gosh, listen, afterthree seasons they all blend
together.
But saying no is a completesentence, right?
No, this doesn't work for me.
No, I can't make that work.
No, I'm not free that night.
So making that list and thendeciding who you can kind of
(25:19):
kindly dismiss and see out fromyour life and your circle and,
ultimately, the most importantrelationship in your life is the
relationship that you have withyourself.
And if you are on this journeyof growth and on this journey of
transformation, I'm reallyhappy to be a part of it with
(25:39):
you and I want you to know thatyou, above anybody else in your
life, come first.
So thank you so much for beinghere today and until next time,
take care of you, make the list,tell me which friendships feel
light and heavy for you, tell mewhat you got from this episode,
and thanks so much for tuningin to the Balance and Bliss
(26:03):
podcast.
We will see you next week.
Speaker 1 (26:05):
Stay well, hi, I'm Christine Danard and I would
love for you to join me on theSay it Out Loud podcast so you
can be encouraged to live yourbest and most authentic life.
On the show, I share mypersonal stories and
conversations with others so youcan be empowered by their
strength and inspired to takeauthentic action in your own
life.
(26:25):
I look forward to seeing youthere.
Speaker 2 (26:31):
Thanks so much for being here.
I hope you're leaving with afull heart, some inspiration, or
you're feeling the kick in thebutt you felt like you needed.
If you really enjoyed thisepisode, be sure to share it
with a friend or let me knowRates, reviews, subscribing and
sharing are all great ways tosupport the show and if you want
to stay in touch, follow meover on Instagram at
(26:52):
thebalancebless.
Thanks for listening today andstay well.
This show is brought to you by Female Alliance Media,
by Women for.
Speaker 2 (00:03):
Women.
Welcome to the Balance andBliss Podcast.
I'm your host, andrea Mondu, athree-time published author,
speaker and a lifestyletransformation coach who
believes everyone should begiven the gift of knowing how to
live their lives, feelinghealthy and empowered.
Things like moving your bodyregularly and feeling it well,
(00:24):
taking care of your mind,setting boundaries, practicing
self and body, acceptance,personal growth, manifestation
and everything in between.
Wellness is not linear and it'snot just one thing.
It expands into so many areasand on this show we're going to
talk about just that.
We're all striving to live alittle more healthy and a little
(00:46):
more well, but what does thateven mean?
My goal is to help you see thatyou can move from the mundane
to the magic when it comes toliving aligned and fulfilled,
and by tuning in each week youcan be assured you'll leave with
nuggets of wisdom that you canimplement into your day to day,
like right now, to help youmaximize your health, wellness
(01:09):
and your life.
Now let's dive in.
Hello, welcome back to anotherepisode.
Today is a solo episode, so I'mhere to have a conversation,
just me and you.
We're in September, hopefullyby now.
You are like feeling back intothe routines.
(01:29):
There's something really niceabout a routine.
I know I talked about this lastweek, but after the excitement
of summer, just kind of easingback into knowing what to expect
, like we are creatures of habit, right, and when there's
disruption, when there's chaos,we're like what the fuck is
happening, I'm just ready to getit.
It's like every single time yougo on well, I'm totally
(01:52):
generalizing here, but mosttimes when I go on vacation, you
get to the end of your vacationand most of us find ourselves
saying like we're ready to getback to it.
So we're back to it, we're backinto it.
I'm really excited for today'sepisode and I think that the
reason that I'm so excited forit is because it took me so long
(02:13):
to understand the value thatthis has on your overall health
and well-being.
Like I'm talking about, likedeep-rooted happiness, having
the ability to be present inyour life, having the ability to
be grateful and to take care ofyour wellness and eat well and
(02:36):
move your body well.
Like all of these things aredependent on this one pillar.
If you've ever been present forany of my wheel of health
workshops or maybe you listenedto the podcast episodes way long
time ago when Kim and I workedthrough each of these wheel of
health components.
I'll actually link them for youin the show notes.
(02:57):
In the wheel of health exercise,there are eight components that
I discussed that make up who weare as humans, and movement and
nutrition are a big part ofthat.
But there's actually six otherthings that make up who we are
as people, and one of the thingsthat's really, really important
(03:18):
is relationships andcommunication.
We are human beings havinghuman experiences in
relationships with other people,and sometimes those
relationships are great for us.
They are fulfilling, they arerespectful, they are kind.
They're really relationshipsand people that we seek out.
(03:40):
And also, whether it be mayberight now or maybe it's in the
past, if you're somebody like me, I have been in relationships
before, specifically friendships.
Actually, if I'm being honest,I'm thinking about a romantic
relationship that wasn't thegreatest either, but there are
also relationships that are notgreat for us, and so today we're
(04:03):
going to really break down likewhat is a healthy relationship,
what is not a healthyrelationship, and why is it so
important that we are in healthyromantic relationships and also
healthy friendships?
Because those two things aregoing to be the cornerstones of
(04:23):
what make us feel well.
Obviously, there's a lot ofimportance around the
relationship that we have withourselves and, quite frankly, we
can even include that in thiscategory as well, because the
way that we speak to ourself,the way that we treat ourselves,
the way that we respectourselves and our bodies, the
way that we support our dreamsand our wishes, like all of
(04:45):
those things are reallyimportant too.
Right, we need to be our ownbest friend.
So what I mean when I say ahealthy relationship and again,
we're talking about the one withyourself, the one with your
romantic partner, as well as thefriendship that you're in.
Let's think about things likecommunication or mutual respect.
(05:08):
Right, if you have somebodythat you're in a relationship
with that you feel like you cansay, hey, this really upset me,
or hey, that really bothered me,or hey, here's what I need,
here's what I am feeling rightnow.
Here's where.
I'm at today, if you feel likeyou can have that open dialogue
and that open communication,that's a really big thing.
(05:31):
And then with that really comesthat like that trust and that
respect.
Right, it's somebody who youknow that, no matter what you
say to them, no matter what youshare with them, they're going
to respect you, they're notgoing to judge you, they're
going to support you and youknow in that communication that
you're having, if it's a healthyrelationship, you're having it
(05:52):
in a way where you're notberating each other or where
you're not putting each otherdown.
You know, one of the thingsthat's really and I'm probably
going to use Mike and I as anexample a lot here, because we
have I mean, we've been togetherfor like 17 years.
We've spent a lot of time.
Well, I know I should, I wasgoing to say I spend a lot of
(06:13):
time.
I definitely bring a lot ofconversations to our partnership
, but he fully partakes in them.
So I can't I can't take fullcredit for that, but we've spent
a lot of time like craftingthis relationship that is really
built on mutual respect andcommunication.
And really, really early on wetalked about how important it
(06:34):
was for us to, you know, neverlike speak down to each other.
I can confidently say in those17 years that we've been
together, we've never had afight or an argument where we've
called each other names, wherewe have put each other down,
where we have trashed eachother's character.
(06:55):
Like listen, I've been fuckingpissed at him and he for sure
has been pissed at me, but evenwhen things are so heated and
emotions are so high, there'snever been a time where we have
put each other down and calledeach other names.
This is, you know I you want toknow why that's so important,
because I mean, you probablyknow this, every single time,
(07:18):
like every single thing thatleaves your mouth, you can never
take that back, like you cannever take that shit back, and
so once you've said it, it's outthere.
And you know other things thatare important in a healthy
relationship is, you know,forgiveness and releasing things
and moving forward.
And you know as much as youwant to release things, like you
(07:40):
know, if somebody has saidsomething really really deeply
hurtful, it is really hard tocome back from that.
It's not to say that you can'tcome back from that, but there's
definitely.
You know there are some thingsto kind of work through and it
might stay in the back of yourmind.
So, as a general rule, if youwant to have a healthy
partnership, even a healthyfriendship, right, we're not
(08:01):
going to be talking about ourfriends behind their back.
We're not going to be puttingthem down, you know, at certain
choices that they're making.
You know, maybe they're ourfriends, are making choices that
we don't necessarily agree with.
We're not going to be like,well, you're stupid.
You know what a dumb move orwhatever it is.
And again, that same thing goesfor ourselves.
(08:23):
There's a part in my first bookyou actually can do this,
achieving a healthy lifestyle inspite of yourself where I
actually talk about this.
Like we speak to ourselvesright in ways that we probably
would never speak to otherpeople, because if we did that,
(08:43):
we would have no friends or wewould have no partner or we
would maybe be in an unhealthyrelationship.
And so yet we and yet we are soquick to put ourselves down to,
you know convince ourselves ofthings that we're not capable of
.
You know I talk about this alot in coaching that I do with
(09:06):
clients.
You know, when people come tome and when people often want to
pursue a wellness journey.
It's rooted oftentimes inweight loss or not liking the
way that they look and, as aresult of that, a lot of the
internal dialogue that happensis also negative, and the things
that we're saying to ourselvesabout our ability to be
(09:27):
consistent or stay motivated or,you know, stay on that diet
like I suck, I can't do allthese things right, like the way
that we speak to ourselves isnot often great, and so when
we're thinking about havingrespect and supporting, that
also would include the way thatwe do that to ourselves too.
(09:50):
Now, on the flip side of that,if we're thinking about, okay,
that's what like a healthyrelationship looks like.
What might an unhealthyrelationship look like?
In a nutshell, it's everythingthat I said.
That's in the previousstatement.
That is not there.
But to break that down a littlebit more situations where
(10:12):
people are manipulating theother person to do things that
they want or manipulating themto not do things and to stay
with them, instead being reallycontrolling about who people are
seeing.
I mean, if we're thinking aboutcontrolling romantic
relationships, sometimes it cango right down to what people are
(10:36):
wearing, what they're doing,what their time, that sort of
thing.
You know name calling,belittling, really casting
judgment, saying things likewell, I told you so you
should've listened to my advicethe first time.
Don't come crying to me,because I already told you you
shouldn't be doing this thing.
You know, having something likethat in friendships can be
(10:56):
really, really damaging.
Or I'll give you an example.
I went away earlier this yearwith a group of girlfriends and
we were talking aboutfriendships and previous types
of friendships that we'd been inand that sort of thing, and
this person had a friend who,every single time they shared
good news with them or the nextthing that they were working on,
(11:19):
that person did one of twothings that person responded
with oh well, here you go again,maybe putting that new career
path or that new experience thatthey're participating and
putting it down or trying to.
You've ever heard of the oneupper right Trying to one up
what you said?
(11:39):
Oh well, you have this going on.
Well, here's what happened tome, right?
They're not honoring andholding space for you, but
instead they're trying to putthemselves in the forefront,
somebody who lacks boundaries.
So you're putting up a hardboundary about, maybe, what
you're willing to do, whatyou're not willing to do.
Maybe you have been asked to dosomething or go somewhere and
(12:05):
you're in a friendship where youfeel like you have to say yes
because if you say no thenyou're worried that that person
is gonna be upset with you.
You know all of these things,whether it be in a friendship,
whether it be in a romanticrelationship.
I'm gonna tell you right nowthat if that's the case, if, as
I'm listing off these red flagsor these qualities of an
(12:28):
unhealthy relationship, it mightbe time to consider gently
dismissing that person from yourlives.
This is something that I havehad to do with a couple
different friendships and ithappens in numerous ways.
Throughout the course of my 35years, you can likely imagine
(12:49):
that there have beeninteractions with people that I
have had that have not beengreat and as I've been growing
in my I guess we can really callit confidence as what I'm
willing to put up with frompeople and what I'm not willing
to put up with, and really thatkind of comes from the increase
(13:10):
of, like, my own innerconfidence and kind of a shift
in my mindset.
But as I've started to do that,I've started to notice things
in conversations that I'm havingor the way that people have
treated me in the past wherethey haven't acknowledged a way
that I've been hurt, orrelationships that are really
(13:32):
one sided If you have a friend,for example, that you are the
one who is always reaching outfor hangouts right.
Hey, do you wanna hang out?
I haven't seen you in a while.
Oh, no, I'm busy.
Or hey, I haven't seen you inforever, yeah, let's do
something.
And then all of a sudden,you're not doing something.
Something's always come up.
(13:53):
You just don't feel like you'rea priority in that person's
life.
I really firmly believe thatfriendships, also romantic
relationships, should be a twoway street.
I mean, obviously there arefluctuations in ebbs and flows
in those relationships,depending on what season of life
that you're in, depending on,for example, if somebody is a
(14:15):
new parent, chances are youaren't getting together every
single Friday like you used to.
Or maybe when you were in your20s, you spend a lot more time
together.
I remember I had this friendwhen I was in my 20s and her and
I we were literally attached atthe hip.
We would go out a couple timesa week and then we'd get up in
(14:36):
the morning and we would feellike shit, and so we would just
hang out together and bingewatch TV shows and we were
literally always together.
And maybe you had a friend likethis when you were in your late
high school college days, justthat friend that you always
spent a lot of time with.
And then, as you started tomaybe finish school and move on
in your career or change careers, or maybe you moved or whatever
(15:00):
it is you moved on really tolike a new season of life, a
shift in that friendship andthat relationship happens.
And then of course, that personeither is with you you guys are
kind of together through thatshift and you acknowledge the
ebb and flows, or that that hasthat can create some tension.
So in that particular situationthat definitely did create some
(15:22):
tension and that friend and Iended up parting ways for a
little bit and we've since thenkind of re rekindled and re come
back into each other's lives.
But you know there's ebbs andflows in in that two way street
and so acknowledging that thoseebbs and flows do happen.
But ultimately, you know, if youare feeling like you're in a
(15:44):
very one sided friendship oreven in a really one sided
relationship, you know these arethe kinds of situations where
you might start to evaluate likedoes this, does this feel right
for me anymore?
Is this fulfilling?
One of the techniques that Ilearned quite a while ago that I
actually use for a lot ofsituations and tasks that I'm
(16:07):
taking on is does this feellight or does this feel heavy?
And maybe you've heard me talkabout this before, but I feel
like this is really applicablein this situation when you're
thinking about a romanticpartnership, when you're
thinking about a specificfriendship and you want to
determine, like, whether it'shealthy or not, close your eyes
(16:30):
and think about that person.
And when you think about yourrelationship with that person,
does it feel light or does itfeel heavy?
And I don't want you tooverthink it, I don't want you
to start to justify orrationalize, but in this moment,
does it feel light or heavy?
And if it feels light, thenit's something that you want to
(16:52):
be continuing to put your timeand effort into.
If it's something that feelsheavy, then maybe it's a time to
reevaluate that relationshipand determine whether or not
it's something that it's.
That's something that you wantto continue to pursue and put
effort into.
One of the things that's poppinginto my head right now is a
(17:14):
book I read quite a few yearsago.
It's by Rachel Rogers.
It's called we Should All BeMillionaires.
It's definitely a book that'sfocused on entrepreneurship and
growing a business, but I alsofelt like there was a lot of
like really good life nuggets inthere.
Rachel Rogers is just also areally, really wonderful person.
But one of the things she talksabout in that book because she
(17:38):
talks about like, when she talksabout being a millionaire and
building and creating, like yourmillionaire identity that also
includes, like, how you show upin your personal life and the
relationships that you're in andthat you're part of in the
rooms that you're in so sheshares in this book a technique
that she actually learned fromsomebody else and now I'm going
to share it with you today.
(17:59):
But you know how we all makeNew Year's resolutions, or New
Year's intentions, as I like tocall them One of the things that
she learned to do and that islike she even says in the book.
She's like, I feel like thissounds really cutthroat and you
know what?
Maybe this is a cutthroat typeof activity, but she sits down
(18:20):
and she literally makes a listof all of the current friends
that she has and all of thecurrent people that she is in
consistent, continuous contactwith, and then she evaluates
what that friendship looks like.
It doesn't feel heavy, does itfeel light?
I don't know if she actuallyused that that term specifically
, but you know, what does thatrelationship look like?
(18:43):
What does that friendship looklike?
What sort of value is itproviding her as a person?
What sort of and and you knowmaybe that sounds a bit vain,
but what sort of value that it'sproviding you as a person?
You know you want to bespending your time and
surrounding yourself with peoplewho build you up and light you
up and make you feel great.
(19:03):
You know that treat you well,that really lend to your
self-esteem and really help tobuild you up.
So you know what sort of valueare you getting from it?
How much effort are you puttingin versus, again, what you're
getting from it?
And she really asks herselfsome of those questions for each
of those people.
If she identifies people thatare on that list, then they
(19:28):
don't get to move into the nextyear, right, they don't get to
move into the next year as shegrows and continues to evolve as
a human, and so that's a reallycool.
You know, maybe you don't do itat the beginning, maybe you do
it right now.
So when I read that book, I wasactually away at a cottage, but
(19:49):
and I did it right in thatmoment, I remember I pulled out
my journal sitting on the dockand I wrote down the, the key
people that I spend time with,and how I felt about those
relationships.
Because here's the thing andI'm going back to that wheel of
health one of the othercomponents on that wheel of
health is just like totalmindfulness or total awareness.
(20:10):
This relates to absolutelyanything in your life unless you
spend some time with it,thinking about how, how, what
kind of relationships do I have,how do the friendships that I
have make me feel, how does therelationship and partnership
that I'm in make me feel?
Unless we spend some timereally focusing on those, then
(20:35):
we don't know what sort ofimpact they could potentially be
having on our mental health, onour overall wellness, how much
energy we're spending on thesereally challenging and heavy
friendships that we could bespending elsewhere.
Quite frankly, like I, there'sno, there's no other way to put
(20:58):
it you are the priority in yourlife and if you are expending so
much energy and wasting so muchenergy in relationships that
have red flags or relationshipsthat feel toxic because you've
been friends forever, oh well,we've been friends since
(21:18):
childhood.
You know I don't want to letthat relationship go.
We have a lot of really goodmemories together.
Are those memories worth allthe heartache that you feel when
they're challenging you on thereally excited idea or the
really big idea that you'rereally excited about, like, is
it why?
Why, in that moment, all of asudden, are they worth more than
(21:40):
you?
You are the priority of yourown life and it's up to you to
curate and create that reality.
I feel like I'm kind of jumpingall over the place, but these
are the kinds of conversationsthat I have with my clients is,
like, sure, you come to mebecause you want to stop
snacking and you want to moveyour body more.
Those things were, for sure,going to work on those things
(22:03):
because they're really important.
But deeply rooted underneaththat, like, there's a lot of
other reasons of why you'resnacking at night.
Right, if you're snacking everysingle night and you have
really shitty friends, thoseshitty friends are probably the
reason that you're snacking atnight, because you're not
feeling joy and you're notfeeling fulfillment when it
(22:25):
comes to your life.
So I have shared a lot with youin this episode and, before we
wrap up today, I just want togive you a kind of a recap of
the things that I think thatwould be really helpful for you
when you're looking at thefriendships and the
relationships that you're havingwith other people, and also the
relationship that you're havingwith yourself.
(22:45):
So you know, taking a moment tothink about which friendships
and relationships feel light,which ones feel heavy, which
ones feel really fulfilling andsoul filling, like.
Which people do you spend timewith?
There are like faces flashingthrough my mind right now of
people that I spend time withthat just make me feel so
(23:07):
fulfilled, they make me feelseen, they make me feel accepted
, they make me feel valuable,and which people do you dread
spending time with?
Which people do you have tomentally prepare yourself to go
and spend time with?
Or maybe you're deciding okay,I'm going to spend two hours
here and then I'm going to saythat I have to go home and do
(23:30):
whatever it is right.
Which ones feel light and whichones feel heavy.
The other thing is is you cansit down and you can physically
make that list of which peoplebring you joy, which people can
you laugh with, which people doyou really feel like it's a two
way relationship?
You feel supported, you feelrespected, and which people do
(23:52):
you not feel that with and maybeyou can politely let them go?
I'm going to do one more thinghere before we wrap up, because
I realized when I said you canjust I'm doing this with my
hands you can just kindly showyourself out, dismiss that
relationship from your life.
It doesn't have to be a biglike we are no longer friends
(24:13):
because X, y and Z.
Maybe you just stop reachingout to that person to make plans
, maybe you just are busy whenthey message you to spend some
time together.
Or maybe you do have aconversation of hey, listen,
this is, I'm headed in thisdirection.
I feel like our paths aren'taligning anymore and that might
(24:37):
be a more challengingconversation to have.
So it depends on, obviously, howyou feel, how much explanation
that you feel like you need togive to somebody, because you
don't always need to give anexplanation to people.
That's kind of up to you,especially if you're putting up
a boundary.
You know I've talked before onthe boundaries episode.
(24:57):
Did I have a boundaries episode?
I did.
Oh, my gosh, listen, afterthree seasons they all blend
together.
But saying no is a completesentence, right?
No, this doesn't work for me.
No, I can't make that work.
No, I'm not free that night.
So making that list and thendeciding who you can kind of
(25:19):
kindly dismiss and see out fromyour life and your circle and,
ultimately, the most importantrelationship in your life is the
relationship that you have withyourself.
And if you are on this journeyof growth and on this journey of
transformation, I'm reallyhappy to be a part of it with
(25:39):
you and I want you to know thatyou, above anybody else in your
life, come first.
So thank you so much for beinghere today and until next time,
take care of you, make the list,tell me which friendships feel
light and heavy for you, tell mewhat you got from this episode,
and thanks so much for tuningin to the Balance and Bliss
(26:03):
podcast.
We will see you next week.
Speaker 1 (26:05):
Stay well, hi, I'm Christine Danard and I would
love for you to join me on theSay it Out Loud podcast so you
can be encouraged to live yourbest and most authentic life.
On the show, I share mypersonal stories and
conversations with others so youcan be empowered by their
strength and inspired to takeauthentic action in your own
life.
(26:25):
I look forward to seeing youthere.
Speaker 2 (26:31):
Thanks so much for being here.
I hope you're leaving with afull heart, some inspiration, or
you're feeling the kick in thebutt you felt like you needed.
If you really enjoyed thisepisode, be sure to share it
with a friend or let me knowRates, reviews, subscribing and
sharing are all great ways tosupport the show and if you want
to stay in touch, follow meover on Instagram at
(26:52):
thebalancebless.
Thanks for listening today andstay well.
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